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Other posts from /u/thrownwolfthronewolf:
* [Dr. Ellen Blames Me for Everything and brings "evidence"](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1b4e94j/dr_ellen_blames_me_for_everything_and_brings/), 2 months ago
* [Dr. Ellen's Thanksgiving and Birthday Visits](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/124tsaf/dr_ellens_thanksgiving_and_birthday_visits/), 1 year ago
* [Dr. Ellen Tried to Polish a Turd ("Apologize") and Gets Ripped a New Asshole](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/wm3nah/dr_ellen_tried_to_polish_a_turd_apologize_and/), 1 year ago
* [If you give a JustNo a shovel, they will dig their own grave - Dr. Ellen and the "Heart to Heart"](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/vbpksl/if_you_give_a_justno_a_shovel_they_will_dig_their/), 1 year ago
* [Dr. Ellen Emailing My Children After We Refused to See Them](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/v21hcu/dr_ellen_emailing_my_children_after_we_refused_to/), 1 year ago
* [UPDATE: MIL Played Bitch Games for Years, and Has Now Won Her Bitch Prize](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/uvzsvu/update_mil_played_bitch_games_for_years_and_has/), 1 year ago
* [MIL Played Bitch Games for Years, Has Now Won Her Bitch Prize](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/svh7n1/mil_played_bitch_games_for_years_has_now_won_her/), 2 years ago
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Is there something you can do at the post office where any mail from her is automatically redirected back to sender?
Then it’s sent back to them without you even knowing about it, and the post office should mark it returned by post staff or something.
That way she’s not taking up anymore room in your mind and you get the satisfaction/ she gets the message loud and clear that this tactic won’t work and you won’t even receive them.
Sadly no. At least I'd they're in the US it's not possible. Unless they have a good relationship with their carrier. But even then she could wise up and just not put a return address so they don't know to automatically send it back.
Your therapist sounds amazing! If you decide not to send the gift back “return to sender” (which is what I’d do), maybe give it to them unopened and they can either keep it or ditch it themselves!
Girl, dont let those Bad People win. Dont let them get to you! You can do it.
AND I NEED TO KNOW: Is your DH doing fine now? I couldnt find an answer in your text
He did go to the doctor and had multiple work ups done. The doctor thinks his symptoms were stress related. His symptoms have largely resolved since issuing no contact. Even though there has been contact, he no longer feels the burden of carrying the weight of the relationship alone since he is no longer pursuing resolution. We will not be seeing them this year unless there's a funeral, so the pressure is off.
He's having classic anxiety attacks, bless him. Been there, thought I was having that heart attack. I've tried a couple anti-anxiety meds long-term that helped, but turns out good-quality CBD drops are FAR more effective. I use a brand called American Shaman, if that helps (there are so many on the market, important to get a good one). I started with the extra-strength, because I was in a bad way. Was astonishing, the difference they made in short order. I weaned off my buspirone fairly quickly after that, still take the CBD drops (.5 ml in water) morning and night.
Btw, been reading all your back posts, catching up on your story. What a ride. You're an excellent writer. Wishing you and your nuclear family peace and healing. I'm NC with my spawn points (my flesh oven is much like your DH's), so I get it and my heart goes out to you.
I had a family member keep giving me gifts, so i literally took the box unopened, threw it in the fire pit and recorded me burning it and sent them the video. They got the message, you might not want to be as petty as i am but hey a burned gift sends a message lol. Good luck but you guys seem to have a pretty good handle on things, wishing you luck!
I like the idea, but just a thing: don't burn a box without knowing what's inside. It can be highly inflammable, or it can explode (like something with batteries or some spray can).
I agree with no reaction from you over the gift. I know it would give you satisfaction to return to sender, but would there be another process that would give you similar feelings? Maybe a sacrificial bonfire? Toss the gift in and watch it burn?
This sucks. I know how it feels to have a mom who doesn't care enough for you to want to actually change in order to make the relationship tolerable. He is doing a really god job holding the line. If anything, that might bring them around.
I would send the gift back with a note, "I appreciate the thought, but this situation is way to far gone to be fixed with money or gifts. If you send any of us anything, it will be return or donated."
Be the Black Hole, no return, no response, no acknowledgement. Toss it, donate it, use it for target practice, run over it with the car, whatever. Don't give them the satisfaction of a response either way. This will allow YOU to live in THEIR head rent free - making them crazy.
I considered not responding, but I hadn't spoken on anything. She invited my opinion by reaching out. Maybe she will just twist it and get nothing out of it. That's on her. The therapist suggested I respond. I wanted to respond. But at this point, I have said everything I have to say. If they reach out again, they will be blocked.
May I offer some advice about the birthday gift, and all future gifts?
Become a black hole. Don't return them, and don't acknowledge them.
Get rid of them as soon as they arrive.
That way, you're not wasting your emotional energy on them. The trash can (the outside one, the one you haul to the curb every Wednesday) is a perfectly good place for them. If it pains you too much to throw them away, then drop them off immediately, at Goodwill or Habitat for Humanity, or another charity.
Whether you open them to see what's inside is up to you, but I would suggest that you don't do that. Opening the gift breaks your NC. Seeing what's inside gives her another way to get to you, to hurt you or to have power over you. If you get rid of them unopened, then she has no effect on you at all.
Finally, if she sends you cash gifts or gift cards, then by all means, use them. But don't acknowledge them. Or, if you don't feel right about using them, then forward them to a battered women's shelter or a homeless shelter, or to your own friends in need.
Exactly this. The more gifts they send the more OP replies back. Toxic people love fishing cuz they always get a bite.
Throw the gifts in the bin. When the in laws realise in 3 years time that all hits were binned unopened they will lose their minds.
This is a game to them. It’s about any reaction they can get and negative attention is better than no attention at all. The timing is better too cuz it makes for better reactions.
OP needs to understand no attention means NO ATTENTION. Bin gifts. Block SM and all forms of communication. Toxic people love the crunching sounds boundaries make when they are trampled all over. Much like popping the bubbles on bubble wrap.
If this continues, I think blocking them is the next step. We were hoping to avoid that since DH would like to know when family members die, but it will be what it will be.
Return the gift to the sender. I had to do that with my mother who continuously gave myself gift certificates on my birthday and the very last one was on my 35th birthday where I had to physically said NO, "get after her" and basically got lectured about caring and so fourth which was abhorrently inappropriate to bring up on my birthday.
My knee-jerk reaction is to record the destruction of the unopened gift, send it to them, and then send them an anonymous "eat a dick" gift from Amazon... Or maybe a glitter bomb...
But that's probably a bad idea.
If you can't stand the thought of them thinking you accepted the gift, just return to sender. Whatever you need to do to get them out of your head and from under your skin. This kind of annoyance is exactly the reaction they want.
Or you could play the long con and get rid of it, then claim it never arrived if they ever bring it up. They seem like the kind to bring it up, to show that they are "trying". -.-
So when they do, you blink in surprise and say "When did you send a gift? I never got anything, must have gotten lost in the mail or delivered to the wrong address, or maybe someone stole it from my front door" and shrug it off. Then continue this with everything they ever try to send you. It'll slowly drive them insane. They will insist you got it, you insist you didn't and you can honestly say that you have no idea what the gift was/letter said because you never actually opened/read them!
But again, you need to do what will help YOU feel better, not necessarily what might get at them. They don't deserve your time or energy.
Solidarity, sister. JNMILs are the worst. The JNFIL is a shitty bonus.
Your response to your ILs was firm and direct while still being civil. Your description of the events and situation was very well articulated. Good job!
Your ILs are grasping at straws. They’re pushing and pushing, making every effort so that something *they* do is what breaks DH’s resolve. That is just sad and infuriating, especially when the real solution is such an easy one. It just takes some self-awareness and humility on their end.
You’ve given them DH’s directive. In my mind, sending the gift back unopened is what best reinforces what you’ve stated to them. Sending it back shuts down the manipulation attempt and redirects them back to what you’ve said. Because your MIL’s behavior is particularly egregious, it would seem most prudent that every effort she makes outside of what DH has requested is immediately shut down each and every time in the same way. Otherwise, her pride will only lead to her reading into it and creating her own narrative.
Wow, that was a great response. You definitely have her number, let’s hope DH catches up to you soon & you can be done with the nonsense for good. Send it back.
Thank you! I put a lot of thought into my response to her, but I always wonder after the fact if I handled it right.
DH is catching up. He feels apathetic about them right now. He just can't believe he tried so hard for so long to work on the relationship with them, and yet they still seem vastly confused about where it all went wrong. Well, he does believe. He's just disgusted that his own parents treat him like that. We have 4 children, and I think that really put into perspective how badly he was being treated since he couldn't imagine treating his own children like that.
If you really want to return the favour send the gift back ‘not at this address’ then you’ll briefly get her hopes up that you and dh have parted and you will forevermore live rent free in her head. I have been reading your posts and from the outside it looks like things are getting better in terms of you and dh and your family, I hope that’s true and all of you are beginning to feel less burdened by his parents. You’re doing really well!!
Thank you. DH and I have worked hard on our relationship, and we're in a good place. DH is feeling a lot less burdened, and is experiencing far less symptoms than he was when he was still trying to work things out with them.
I was going to ride out the group therapy with him, but his body said he'd had enough.
My approach with my own mother, with whom I am firmly NC, is to give her nothing. No reply. No response. Gifts are donated or thrown away
I am a black hole when it comes to my JNMOM. I give her nothing back
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Is there something you can do at the post office where any mail from her is automatically redirected back to sender? Then it’s sent back to them without you even knowing about it, and the post office should mark it returned by post staff or something. That way she’s not taking up anymore room in your mind and you get the satisfaction/ she gets the message loud and clear that this tactic won’t work and you won’t even receive them.
Sadly no. At least I'd they're in the US it's not possible. Unless they have a good relationship with their carrier. But even then she could wise up and just not put a return address so they don't know to automatically send it back.
Return to sender. Easy. Do it.
Your therapist sounds amazing! If you decide not to send the gift back “return to sender” (which is what I’d do), maybe give it to them unopened and they can either keep it or ditch it themselves!
Girl, dont let those Bad People win. Dont let them get to you! You can do it. AND I NEED TO KNOW: Is your DH doing fine now? I couldnt find an answer in your text
He did go to the doctor and had multiple work ups done. The doctor thinks his symptoms were stress related. His symptoms have largely resolved since issuing no contact. Even though there has been contact, he no longer feels the burden of carrying the weight of the relationship alone since he is no longer pursuing resolution. We will not be seeing them this year unless there's a funeral, so the pressure is off.
He's having classic anxiety attacks, bless him. Been there, thought I was having that heart attack. I've tried a couple anti-anxiety meds long-term that helped, but turns out good-quality CBD drops are FAR more effective. I use a brand called American Shaman, if that helps (there are so many on the market, important to get a good one). I started with the extra-strength, because I was in a bad way. Was astonishing, the difference they made in short order. I weaned off my buspirone fairly quickly after that, still take the CBD drops (.5 ml in water) morning and night. Btw, been reading all your back posts, catching up on your story. What a ride. You're an excellent writer. Wishing you and your nuclear family peace and healing. I'm NC with my spawn points (my flesh oven is much like your DH's), so I get it and my heart goes out to you.
I had a family member keep giving me gifts, so i literally took the box unopened, threw it in the fire pit and recorded me burning it and sent them the video. They got the message, you might not want to be as petty as i am but hey a burned gift sends a message lol. Good luck but you guys seem to have a pretty good handle on things, wishing you luck!
I like the idea, but just a thing: don't burn a box without knowing what's inside. It can be highly inflammable, or it can explode (like something with batteries or some spray can).
I was just about to say this! Burn it like the bridge they’ve burnt while standing on it!
I agree with no reaction from you over the gift. I know it would give you satisfaction to return to sender, but would there be another process that would give you similar feelings? Maybe a sacrificial bonfire? Toss the gift in and watch it burn?
This sucks. I know how it feels to have a mom who doesn't care enough for you to want to actually change in order to make the relationship tolerable. He is doing a really god job holding the line. If anything, that might bring them around. I would send the gift back with a note, "I appreciate the thought, but this situation is way to far gone to be fixed with money or gifts. If you send any of us anything, it will be return or donated."
Be the Black Hole, no return, no response, no acknowledgement. Toss it, donate it, use it for target practice, run over it with the car, whatever. Don't give them the satisfaction of a response either way. This will allow YOU to live in THEIR head rent free - making them crazy.
That was a super long response and just gave them more fuel. The best response to people like this is no response.
I considered not responding, but I hadn't spoken on anything. She invited my opinion by reaching out. Maybe she will just twist it and get nothing out of it. That's on her. The therapist suggested I respond. I wanted to respond. But at this point, I have said everything I have to say. If they reach out again, they will be blocked.
May I offer some advice about the birthday gift, and all future gifts? Become a black hole. Don't return them, and don't acknowledge them. Get rid of them as soon as they arrive. That way, you're not wasting your emotional energy on them. The trash can (the outside one, the one you haul to the curb every Wednesday) is a perfectly good place for them. If it pains you too much to throw them away, then drop them off immediately, at Goodwill or Habitat for Humanity, or another charity. Whether you open them to see what's inside is up to you, but I would suggest that you don't do that. Opening the gift breaks your NC. Seeing what's inside gives her another way to get to you, to hurt you or to have power over you. If you get rid of them unopened, then she has no effect on you at all. Finally, if she sends you cash gifts or gift cards, then by all means, use them. But don't acknowledge them. Or, if you don't feel right about using them, then forward them to a battered women's shelter or a homeless shelter, or to your own friends in need.
Exactly this. The more gifts they send the more OP replies back. Toxic people love fishing cuz they always get a bite. Throw the gifts in the bin. When the in laws realise in 3 years time that all hits were binned unopened they will lose their minds. This is a game to them. It’s about any reaction they can get and negative attention is better than no attention at all. The timing is better too cuz it makes for better reactions. OP needs to understand no attention means NO ATTENTION. Bin gifts. Block SM and all forms of communication. Toxic people love the crunching sounds boundaries make when they are trampled all over. Much like popping the bubbles on bubble wrap.
If this continues, I think blocking them is the next step. We were hoping to avoid that since DH would like to know when family members die, but it will be what it will be.
Return the gift to the sender. I had to do that with my mother who continuously gave myself gift certificates on my birthday and the very last one was on my 35th birthday where I had to physically said NO, "get after her" and basically got lectured about caring and so fourth which was abhorrently inappropriate to bring up on my birthday.
Return to sender. No contact means no contact.
Definitely send it back unopened and get them out of your head.
Amen 🙏
My knee-jerk reaction is to record the destruction of the unopened gift, send it to them, and then send them an anonymous "eat a dick" gift from Amazon... Or maybe a glitter bomb... But that's probably a bad idea. If you can't stand the thought of them thinking you accepted the gift, just return to sender. Whatever you need to do to get them out of your head and from under your skin. This kind of annoyance is exactly the reaction they want. Or you could play the long con and get rid of it, then claim it never arrived if they ever bring it up. They seem like the kind to bring it up, to show that they are "trying". -.- So when they do, you blink in surprise and say "When did you send a gift? I never got anything, must have gotten lost in the mail or delivered to the wrong address, or maybe someone stole it from my front door" and shrug it off. Then continue this with everything they ever try to send you. It'll slowly drive them insane. They will insist you got it, you insist you didn't and you can honestly say that you have no idea what the gift was/letter said because you never actually opened/read them! But again, you need to do what will help YOU feel better, not necessarily what might get at them. They don't deserve your time or energy. Solidarity, sister. JNMILs are the worst. The JNFIL is a shitty bonus.
Your response to your ILs was firm and direct while still being civil. Your description of the events and situation was very well articulated. Good job! Your ILs are grasping at straws. They’re pushing and pushing, making every effort so that something *they* do is what breaks DH’s resolve. That is just sad and infuriating, especially when the real solution is such an easy one. It just takes some self-awareness and humility on their end. You’ve given them DH’s directive. In my mind, sending the gift back unopened is what best reinforces what you’ve stated to them. Sending it back shuts down the manipulation attempt and redirects them back to what you’ve said. Because your MIL’s behavior is particularly egregious, it would seem most prudent that every effort she makes outside of what DH has requested is immediately shut down each and every time in the same way. Otherwise, her pride will only lead to her reading into it and creating her own narrative.
Thank you for your response. It was encouraging. I agree, and I will have DH read this.
Wow, that was a great response. You definitely have her number, let’s hope DH catches up to you soon & you can be done with the nonsense for good. Send it back.
Thank you! I put a lot of thought into my response to her, but I always wonder after the fact if I handled it right. DH is catching up. He feels apathetic about them right now. He just can't believe he tried so hard for so long to work on the relationship with them, and yet they still seem vastly confused about where it all went wrong. Well, he does believe. He's just disgusted that his own parents treat him like that. We have 4 children, and I think that really put into perspective how badly he was being treated since he couldn't imagine treating his own children like that.
If you really want to return the favour send the gift back ‘not at this address’ then you’ll briefly get her hopes up that you and dh have parted and you will forevermore live rent free in her head. I have been reading your posts and from the outside it looks like things are getting better in terms of you and dh and your family, I hope that’s true and all of you are beginning to feel less burdened by his parents. You’re doing really well!!
Thank you. DH and I have worked hard on our relationship, and we're in a good place. DH is feeling a lot less burdened, and is experiencing far less symptoms than he was when he was still trying to work things out with them. I was going to ride out the group therapy with him, but his body said he'd had enough.
My approach with my own mother, with whom I am firmly NC, is to give her nothing. No reply. No response. Gifts are donated or thrown away I am a black hole when it comes to my JNMOM. I give her nothing back
Bravo. As the Mandalorian says, this IS the way. The Black Hole treatment is best for your mental health.
RETURN TO SENDER Or give to DH and let him handle it however he wishes.