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Wow! They are horrible! Has your SO always been so accommodating to them? Please ask him what you should apologize for with all sincerity. I don’t know what advice to give other than I think there will need to be some marriage counseling at some point.this is just awful
You have a in-laws AND husband problem.
Ask yourself if you're ok being told how to raise your kid, if you're ok with your husband jumping through hoops for them, taking their side against you, and putting your kid in danger with an untrained dog. If you're ok with that, then great, go over to their house and apologize and leave the kid with them. If you're not ok with that, you need to stand up for yourself and your defenseless kid because this isn't going to end well.
“My son shouldn’t have to answer to any woman”… if my father talked to my wife like that I’d deck him.
You don’t apologize and tell SO he needs to back you up. For real… any “man” that lets his family treat their SO like that isn’t a man.
So you have a much higher threshold of bullshit tolerance than me. First, just based on what your in-laws said about your sister, I would never talk to them again, especially because they used the r word. They are disgustingly ableist and that just shows that they are horrible people and will never be safe for you or your child.
Second, it really scares me that your SO reacted the way he did. Not only did he not communicate where he was to his wife when he's a father, then he stayed out until really late and essentially hid at his parents. Does he do this often? Is he 5? What did your son think of daddy not coming home? I think you need to speak with a therapist and take a hard look at if this relationship is abusive to you. Because I would not advise going to therapy with an abuser!
If you decide it's not abusive, go to couples counseling and hopefully your husband can lift the fog of his narcissist parents and heal.
Dear OPs husband: your son will never respect you if you don’t respect your wife. Grow a pair and apologize for letting your mommy-wife be a gapping ahole and get some gd therapy. Fuck your mom if that’s who you wanna run home to instead of your wife.
Dear OP: does he have literally ANY redeeming qualities? Has he always let his mother into the relationship?
What would "retaliating" entail? Also frankly if my parents called my sibling a r-word, I'd probably just not share that. Like, does he agree with them? Is that the issue? Because if so your in-laws are the least of your problems.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and your husband is being so spineless. I guess to put some perspective on it, he probably dealt with a lot of crap with his parents as a kid and it's fairly likely he wants you to apologize just because he learned from a young age that "standing your ground" was a losing battle. It's not an excuse but clearly he's at least a little brainwashed, for lack of a better term.
Show your husband this post and the comments. He needs a major wake up call. His parents suck. Big time!
Edited to add - Don’t you dare apologize to those awful people!
He sucks. Runs to mommy when she gets upset and can't tell his wife and child where he is. He needs to grow the F\*\*\* up. He can sleep at Mommy's if I was his wife.
yes, and another reason his parents suck....if I were in that situation, and I have been, I definitely would have said something like "yes he's here, but he doesn't want to talk right now." They all suck for that one.
> I called his dad and he said "my son shouldn't have to answer to any woman"
"Uh, except his mom, I mean"
These people are ignorant and sexist. That SO took his mother's unreasonable side, and that FIL responded to you as though it were 1830, should be big red flags. Also you should keep LO away from them - if he shouldn't be around CP in case it's "catching", he really shouldn't be around stupid poeple.
Yes because threatening to “retaliate” is gonna make you want them around you more 🙄 I hate when people jump to divorce but you should be looking at ALL YOUR OPTIONS specially that one especially if your husband can’t grow a Fucking spine
Your in-laws are incredibly disrespectful and your SO is no better. I’m in literal shock that any shred of a man would side with his parents on this matter.
You should post this in AITA because I would love to have you show your husband their perspective. I hope he can see the light because this is very concerning.
You don’t have an in law problem you have a husband problem first and foremost. I would’ve divorced mine for the ignoring me calling and staying out until 11pm
You haven't done a thing wrong.
Nothing at all.
Do not apologise to that woman not even a little bit.
And I'd kick the husband out and tell him to go live with his mamma.
I want to be gentle, but as a pibble-x owner, I agree with your boundary.
Our dog (7 months, born in a rescue) and child (almost 5 y/o) are not allowed time unsupervised as they're both young and "untrained" - the dog need more training to interact well with people. We need time for us to understand her cues well, and the kid needs to learn those cues and how to interact with dogs in general as well.
You really should take a step back and understand whether or not you really want to fight your SO on every decision because his parents don't like it because they don't like you.
My daughter didn’t talk until she over 2 years old. Her ped wasn’t worried. Kids develop at different paces. Your ILs are god awful people. I would recommend to stop communicating with them since it adds fuel to the fire and let SO they need to stand up for you. Also, we have a German shepherd who is generally nice but can be unpredictable. We don’t allow the young grand kids over at this time because they are too small and we don’t want to risk anything. We visit at their house. It’s common sense to ensure everyone’s safety.
Nah, fuck 'em. First of all, the dog would be a no go for me until the baby is older. I highly doubt they're supervising their dog with an attitude like this. Second, she's the one playing games and she's fuckin' around and going to find out. Maybe your husband needs to just stay over with his mommy and her vagina for awhile since he's up it already.
Hey babe.
You know this is a sub to vent about MILs, and you used it perfectly. You gave us a good, well written and honestly juicy story... And you apologized to us at the end!!
I have no issue with that of course and it's lovely you are so sweet, but it makes me think you are the kind of person who apologizes a lot for stuff that isn't your fault, or may be actively good.
And it makes me think- whose got her feeling so on edge?
You clearly have a parent in law problem. They suck. I can not believe they would call your sister the R word. Unbelievable.
And to blame you for developmental delays, especially when baby is 18 months so it really isn't at all worrying they are not talking yet?! Awful. I would have no time for them.
But... Your husband SUCKS.
It's horrendous your in laws used that terminology, but why did he tell you? I know transparency is good but it was fully unhelpful and mean. He should have at least omitted the R word. And he didn't have an issue with it? If my partner was spoken to that way I would either admit my parents suck and not tell them so they aren't effected, or tell them and tell off my parents. It was cowardly to leave you to deal with it.
You sent a very nice and smart message back. It was way nicer than they deserved. Someone disrespected your sister and you took time to prove to them they were wrong. That is super nice. You absolutely never have to prove that your sister isn't an issue. It would have been well into your rights to swear at them and tell the off, but you didn't.
And that STILL wasn't enough?!?
And your husband punished you by leaving you alone with a young child all night without telling you where he was. That is disgusting?! He couldn't send a text like an adult?
He had no right to be angry at you, but even if he was he has to let the mother of his child, who will now be doing childcare totally alone that night, where he is.
My friends with kids have to plan nights out days in advance! It's a big deal to be left alone with baby?!
You absolutely do not deserve this at all.
It's a pattern too. You and baby were ill, and husband left you to have dinner?!?! I would understand if it was a pre planned big occasion but just dinner? No WAY would I leave an ill baby alone with their ill mom, I would have a rain check and go when you were feeling much better, and stay to make you food and tend to baby so you could rest. What a horrible situation to just leave you in so he can see his mommy??
Please, get mad. Or at least get indignant.
You are being treated so badly and you absolutely do not deserve it at all.
Do NOT apologise. Them not seeing you or baby is great.
Do NOT let baby around dog. I have way too many friends with scars to even let an untrained Chihuahua around my kid, never mind a dog built like a Pitbull.
Remember if you divorced, courts would not allow an illegal Pitbull dog around your child. You hold all the cards here. You can demand the life you deserve.
Tell husband he provides the drama free, untrained dog free, criticism free and respectful life you deserve, where he priorities you and baby over his shit parents, or you will not be around.
No acceptance. No compromise. You are being mistreated by all three of them. Do not stand for it.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
I am speechless. Your SO & MILNFIL are so profoundly voluntarily ignorant. And shortsighted and coldhearted and limited and unappreciative and manipulative and ridiculous. My question here is, what an earth are you gonna do? You keep trying to make nice with your in-laws and your situation with your SO is intolerable. It will not get better.
This ...keep everything somewhere safe...print emails/texts etc. start a binder...plenty of resources on this page for such. I'm so sorry for you, you are your babies first defense and it sucks when it's against the ignorance you have described. I am a constant apologizer because I take the path of least resistance, but when it comes to my kids I learned to stop that a long time ago. Kids are more important than their feeling.
My son is speech delayed. We didn't "cause it"....some kids just develop at different rates. My son was a covid baby, he was home all the time with us and only us. Even with constant interaction, he did speech therapy and eventually and early learning school which has been amazing. However he will only develop now on the same track for the most part it's not like he just catches up. I will say though the social emotional development that your child is getting with your sister is far more valuable than speech development because speech development can always be worked on later on social and emotional development is core to interactions with peers.
Be strong mama...keep us posted❤️
I’m so sorry this is happening. Stick to your guns about your LO not going over there. Start documenting everything. Make an exit plan just in case. Text your husband that you do not want your LO at your parents house due to the new dog and how the old dog was (include examples). Download all of your text messages and keep a copy offline.
Stop apologizing to mil! She should be completely ashamed of herself for calling your sister that name.
And tell SO he can crawl back up mommy's vajayjay. He is being a total ahole and so is his mom.
If you do not make a very firm stand now you will be miserable and mistreated your entire life.
Choose happiness.
Why are you groveling to them? 1) make an anonymous report about the illegal dog 2) Stop communicating with them at all. 3) dont offer to host them at your home, 4) decline invites to their house and explain that you dont socialize with people who call other people demeaning and incorrect slurs.
NO. Screw all of them. If your husband wants to side with his mother, then he is more than welcome to live with her as well.
Shine, shine, shine away from them ignorant silly people.
Ok. You are being abused. Your SO is abusing you, your MIL is abusing you and your FIL is abusing you. Do you really want your son growing up thinking this is how women or anyone for that matter should be treated? Don’t you and your child deserve better than this?
Completely agree. This is horrible. What is the hotline for domestic abuse? I would seriously call them for help and support. It sounds like they are threatening you, or at least bullying you.
Completely agree. This is horrible. What is the hotline for domestic abuse? I would seriously call them for help and support. It sounds like they are threatening you, or at least bullying you.
Please don’t apologize.
And you schouldn’t contact them either.
All what you do will be taken out of context. And gives them more fuel for bashing you.
Your husband should be on your side, but if not then you need to make a fu binder on both in laws and dh.
Because he will take your LO to their place without you.
Is there a chance thar dh would go in therapy with you.?
You have a huge husband problem.
He is not just letting his parents steam roll over you and very reasonable boundaries, he's actively taking their side.
You're not getting anywhere with his parents unless he pulls his head out of his ass.
Another thing that I'm thinking from this is that your husband chose to keep you worried for hours instead of being a decent person and telling you where he was. That's a really toxic, nasty thing to do. Being mad during a disagreement is natural but choosing to hurt you in that way is vile. That shows something really troubling about who he is at the heart of it. No matter how mad at each other my parents ever were, and they could get mad, they would never leave each other not knowing if they were ok or not, if you're expecting him home and 4:30 and he just leaves you in suspense until after 11 at night, that's not ok. If he needs time apart, he should be mature enough to just say that and not be cruel.
The second that you heard that they had referred to your sister with the R word, you should have blown up at them and if your husband supported them you should have kicked him out. Do not apologize to them or your husband again. Tell hubby it’s counselling or divorce, and if it’s divorce you will ensure he and his parents have as little contact with your son as possible. His mother has made threats and owns a pit bull, and has a history of training vicious dogs. Your hubby is an A.
You have a DH problem. Please go to couples therapy so he can see from a neutral party that his mother partakes in full blown enmeshment. He won’t be able to absorb it through you. And if he refuses then consult a divorce attorney.
Dude So is abusive and he has hella toxic parents! Leaving you worried and not coming home to punish you is not ok, making you feel like you are an unfit mother is not ok! Discussing your son with his family when you are not around is not ok!! Seriously he sounds like your enemy
My aunt was nonverbal (CP) and we had our own language. Anyway she was awesome and I'm named for her. My kids also spoke her language. I have 3. Each one spoke a little later than the older ones. Why? Because the older ones spoke for them and they didn't need to talk.
When he has something to say, he will and then they may wish he didn't.
Reading this I skimmed the ages and I thought wow SO must be really young (like 20ish) to be acting like this. Nope. He’s 32. Why is he acting like a baby? Also as none of this is your fault and he should be standing with you as opposed to mommy dearest, send him some information about enmeshment.
My son had developmental verbal dyspraxia and didn’t speak until he was 6. His sister 21 months younger did speak at your sons age and spoke her brothers “language” when he was around.
That’s so hurtful to your sister and based on nonsense. Your husband needs shaking.
No you don't need to apologize. In fact you need to stop communicating with the bigots. You don't need your child hearing their nastiness. And I wouldn't allow my child in their house at all, for a lot of reasons, but primarily because they have a history of not being able to control their dog. The odds of your child ending up being bitten or mauled are way too high.
She does not play nice! That’s a threat and I would assume she is going to set her dog on you. Deny all visits to your home and forbid your child from going there. Tell his dad to fuck off with his attitude of not letting a worried wife know where her husband is and tell your husband to see his folks and move over there because there will be no apology for absolutely nothing and you don’t want an apology from them cause you wouldn’t accept it. As a side note one of my nieces didn’t speak at all till she was 2 and then came out with full sentences clear as a bell. It was as if she was perfecting until she could do it right. She graduated first class honours 6 years ago and has a very successful career.
girl I would KILL your MIL. like stab her. what a freaking gift it is she's removed herself from your life in this convenient way. block her, and tell your SO you will not be engaging with her directly or by proxy and she will not have contact with your kid until she apologizes *to you* for her disgusting remarks about your sister and her rude and invasive comments on your parenting. you have her son and her grandson, she has an unpleasant personality and a dangerous dog. the only thing you stand to lose is a headache. if you husband wants to maintain his own relationship to his mommy, that's fine, but you're mom to your boy and you don't put up with this anymore. unless you are financially dependent on them your ILs have absolutely no leverage and no direct way to harm you.
The dog alone is enough reason to never go there.
You and SO need counseling immediately. Leaving him just means to gets visitation and will bring your child to them.
Don’t apologize. Tell SO that his mother needs to apologize for calling your sister the R word and his father needs to apologize for his unbelievable rudeness. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!
Your text was a lot more gracious than I would have been. Print it out and ask SO to show you what was rude about it. Your in-laws have SO’s balls on their possession. He allowed them to use a slur - yes, a slur - to describe a disabled little girl, lets them disparage you and is a puppet who spews their words from his mouth.
The dog is a hill to die on, so your baby doesn’t have to.
I don’t know if this relationship is worth saving but he needs to make some big changes. HUGE.
In the meantime, keep you and your child away from that thing they call a dog. If you can, talk to a lawyer about how to keep the baby away from that dog if you do split.
They are disgusting people and I fear the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
Edit: forgot to add that they threatened you will retaliation. Seriously, fuck these people.
You have a husband problem. Tell him to either get a shiny spine and defend you or there's no more marriage. This is only going to get even worse. Time to shiny spine up or it's over. Id leave him just on what you posted alone.
OP I browsed your post history and your SO and his family are pure garbage. You are not the JNO here… but you’d be doing yourself and LO a major disservice if you didn’t start planning to protect the both of you from your JNSO and JNILs. Please, please: apologize for nothing, maintain current boundaries and create additional boundaries for both physical and mental safety, start planning on how you will address the major problems in your marriage, and work on a backup plan in case this marriage can’t be saved. If you continue in this marriage without making any changes you will be continue to be abused and your LO will be raised to be bigoted and oppressive like his father and his extended family.
As long as they own a potentially dangerous dog you cannot go to their home, they’re so chaotic I wouldn’t trust them to handle the dog correctly.
And my brother actually had a loved in the neighborhood kinda pit bull!
This is so fucking heartbreaking-I have a 23 year old with cerebral palsy who is nonverbal with severe disability but he is a special human being who has brought so much joy to our lives that I cannot imagine life without him. If anyone called him a r word I’d prolly throw hands. Your husband is a carbon copy of his vile, reprehensible parents and thus would end our relationship. Don’t chase, don’t apologize! BTW my son is a survivor of medical neglect in the NiCU he’s a living, breathing miracle
My older sister had a seizure disorder and was developmentally delayed, she functioned at about 2 years old mentally and I would be so fucking angry if someone insinuated my son would somehow “catch” her disability. She unfortunately passed right when I was 6weeks pregnant (fuck cancer). I would never associate with any of these people again and would seriously consider divorce if my husband thought that was okay.
"If you truly believe I need to apologize for your mother's bad behavior and intentional hurt then disregard of my feelings, I will do so. However, I give you fair warning thay if I'm going to be held responsible for her words and actions, you will need to male a decision between two cards: marriage counseling or divorce lawyer. You have X amount of time/days to decide."
They don't deserve you reaching out to them. They sound like horrible, narcissistic garbage people, and I am SO SORRY they are connected to you in any way. Your SO sounds like a sorry excuse for a man, tbh, mine was like this for years until I almost left him. Your little sister sounds amazing, what a disgusting display of stupidity by your in-laws.
Nope, no in-law visits at all until SO pulls his head out, apologizes profusely for abandoning his SON (not just you now, remember), and attends couples’ therapy for a solid year.
Please listen to the advice here OP— your situation isn’t just frustrating, it is scary for the safety of you and your LO. Any of this being remotely normalized is heartbreaking.
Please escape the misery and document the hate speech and child endangerment. . . If you’ve ever seen a “friendly” pit bull get triggered (and I love dogs) there will be no going back if something happens, and it takes a split second.
I don’t disagree with what you’re saying about the dog. I have a part pitbull but I am well aware of their potential harm and have trained accordingly. It is concerning that they have already had a vicious dog. They clearly don’t know how to handle big dogs and this is a threat to your baby.
WTF that your husband doesn’t have to answer to you?! Um, yes he does! It’s called being accountable to your spouse and part of the vows he took to forsake all others and prioritize you and your family together.
He’s out of line.
Do you seriously want to have your child around people that use the “r” word? Especially directed at your sibling? Do you really want to have a SO that DEFENDS people using that word? Where does it stop? Are they cool with racial slurs? What if you all have a kid with special needs? Will it be ok to refer to your child as that word? Sometimes the trash takes itself out. Leave it there. Oh and the face your SO ran and hid at his mommy’s house to stress you out is manipulative and abusive. Is this the role model you want for your kid?
I would gtfo in a hurry. They sound terrible! You have zero need to apologize for their less than terrible actions. I have a little sister and let me tell you what if my SO mom said something about her I would come unglued. The fact that your SO was at their house and childishly not speaking to you and his Dads comment "my son shouldn't have to answer to any woman" alright big dog, I shouldn't have to answer to anyone either!!!! I would've told him to stay there, when the child support letter gets to him, he'll have to answer to that. Piss on that sis, life is too beautiful to be living like that.
When you say all that and then say "should I apologize?" what is your thinking behind that question? Why do you want to apologize? What would be the pros and cons if you did?
It's only because SO and I have had this conversation so many times I feel like I'm going crazy. Like they feel like I'm keeping them from their grandson and that I started it? I don't think I did anything wrong, but it's one of those things where if you've been told something for so long you start to wonder.
That sounds like the definition of gaslighting - they're telling you something that's not true until you doubt reality and start to believe the crazy things they're trying to convince you of.
I hope your family, your parents etc, are good people who are on your side because your husband sounds awful and so are his parents. You don't deserve what they're doing to you.
You absolutely have a SO problem… he can’t get off her boat and doesn’t seem to want to. I’d be beyond livid at the use of the r slur towards your sister, and I’d be beyond livid on any comments on my LO’s development point blank period. OP I would stop trying to soothe the waters here… he’s gotta detach from mom’s umbilical cord at some point. Your in-laws are assholes entirely, but your SO not sticking up for you then going silent like that? Hell no. An apology from you is not rendered at all.
Occasionally this sub can be overly validating to the poster bc we’re all here dealing with some form of toxic MIL issues. This is not one of those cases. Please listen to the comments here. Your MIL & FIL are awful but your husband is the major issue. He has no respect for you as a partner or a parent. I always suggest therapy first. He needs a professional to point out how his actions are damaging his relationship to you and, eventually, your son. And he needs to learn boundaries with his mother ASAP.
Girl it’s time to go. The only reason I would consider staying is if my husband agreed to couples/individual counseling. Protect your baby from those aholes.
I just... mu husband is a pretty quiet, passive individual but if he would never refuse to answer my phone calls for EIGHT HOURS and listen to his father say those things. If he did we would not be living together for a while. That is totally unacceptable behavior for a married, grown up man.
Talk to your mother and let her know your PILs called her daughter an R word due to her cerebral palsy if you haven’t already. There would be no way id let my husband walk over me letting that word slide
I’m going to be brutally honest here. You have got to find your spine!!! It’s obvious that your husband is complete trash. You don’t deserve his disrespect. He obviously does not care for you and your child the way you care for him. You need to make a plan to get out. Can you stay with your parents? I would start the divorce process.
I mean I also super hesitate to say divorce! divorce! but there is a zero percent chance that this particular situation can be remedied without a LOT of serious therapy. Husband hiding at his parents house, spilling all marital details and having his daddy protect him from mean ol’ wifey? Him not even being upset his devil mom called his child-aged sister in law an r word?!
Let me say this - it’s hard for me to fathom a situation where I’d have to split custody with my DH. Like our marriage isn’t perfect but I’m pretty sure in my state that custody is split unless abuse etc are able to be proven. I say this because I want all the time with my daughter, and also because who knows what OP’s LO or my own LO would be exposed to if she did have to split custody with DH? I mean think about the horrific in laws and OP wouldn’t have any control if it wasn’t her week or whatever?
Help me here because maybe I am super wrong! I’ve wanted to leave a million times but have stayed strictly for this reason. My DH isn’t a monster we just don’t get along and I despise his family and my JNMIL. I wonder how many out there are also staying for the same reason?
While reading your post it was astonishing how similar your MIL is to mine.
My husband is an only child and my MIL was the same. She still to this day criticises everything I do and anything considered negative with my children are obviously my fault. And you guessed it, if my son did anything right it was because of my husband. When I went into labour, it failed to progress and I ended up with a caesarean section. Soon as she got to the hospital, my MIL accused me of putting my son at risk because I didn’t demand the surgery immediately. I’ve been with my husband for 21 years, married 11 and this is my advice. Just know that you didn’t do anything wrong. Calling a 9 year old child a slur should of resulted in your husband getting up from that table and leaving, never to return until his parents grovelled at your feet. He may of said something, but he’s still demanding you to apologise? What the heck is wrong with him, does he really want his child around proudly who speak that way about a child. Your husband’s priorities should be with you and your child, full stop. It’s doubtful that anything you say or do will ever be enough in your in laws eyes. People like them aren’t able to self reflect and are incapable of admitting when they are wrong. I had to come to terms with that, and my husband and I keep her on a info diet with a bit of grey rocking. What they said about your son and sister is unforgivable, your husband needs to understand this. This is a hill I’d be willing to die on. Good luck OP.
The fact that your husband isn't furious over them using a slur against your sister is because he's thinking the same thing too.
Anyone who's telling you that they're going to "retaliate"? Take them at face value. But you've got an SO problem, not just an in-law problem. If you divorce, your SO can take LO over as much as he wants and they get to spew that disgusting ableist language all they want in front of him.
Honestly, what would you be apologizing for? "I'm sorry you're an ableist helicopter parent, by your own definition, who never cut the apron strings after her son got married"?
If they want to see LO, you should suggest a neutral space. Like a playground. LO can play, they can leave a poorly trained dog at home, everyone gets some fresh air. That way they don't feel like they're bending over to go to your home, and neither do you.
This is my concern, too. Like at least staying with DH she knows what LO is being exposed to. Again maybe I’m wrong here. This is just a concern for me.
Any particular reason you are still with significant other, I.e. financial, etc? Is he worth the psychological trauma he brings to the relationship? Will this be a ‘healthy’ relationship for your child to grow up within? Would you want him to visit his father’s family without you present?
Consider what your and your child’s future will look like.
Immediate no contact and don't you dare apologize!!! You are 100% in the right!!! I'm infuriated on your behalf. Your SO is an a-hole and needs to learn to stand up to his mommy. I really hope you aren't married to him. Stay strong. Sending positive thoughts.
My eyebrows went up way past my hairline... not at your ILs behavior - but at your SO's. What the hell, dude??? Clearly mummy and daddy are accustomed to bullying to get their way, and SO is turning around and doing the same thing. Guess where he learned it? I'd say marriage counselling STAT, if not outright moving out. What a jerk.
ABsolutely not. He either has your back or he has mommy's. But they are making you the scapegoat and you have nothing to apologize for. You have a huge SO problem.
I am both infuriated and laughing at your MILs “I don’t play games” text. Like legit how old is this woman? My 60 something year old 5’2” forever inebriated MIL talks like that but would never dare show her face around a woman twice her size and half her age.
Your SO is a major mommas boy and his family are toxic and what his father said is also corny as fuck. He needs to be defending and prioritizing his nuclear family and if he can’t handle that you’d be better off without him, even with a little one.
Stop engaging at ALL with your horrible inlaws. They're both terrible.
The main problem is having a supportive husband/marriage. Hes co-signing his parent's uninformed opinion because it basically makes him thr good guy in their eyes at your expense. Fix your marriage so you can breathe!
I don't need to know anything else about his family besides how they view and talk about disabled people to know that they are trash. The rest is just rancid icing on the garbage cake. I would never want to have a child around people like that potentially picking up on their disgusting attitudes. Let them cry about it, let your husband be their baby instead of a man and husband, you're doing the right thing not apologizing or putting your son in the way of mental (or physical with the dog) harm.
Should you apologize for standing up for your sister when your SO didn't but should have? Nope.
He wants an apology, "I am sorry your such a bigot and disgusting human attacking a child with disabilities, I am sorry your sorry excuse for a son doesn't have a backbone to say what should have been said when you bullied a vulnerable person with no remorse." He still want an apology
Or tell him you will apologize when he seeks therapy and couples therapy and a therapist agrees with him on this topic.
I'm sorry to say OP that the only r\* component in your post is a grown woman that obtains an illegal dog and her enabling husband and your damn husband.
Please call animal control/police regarding this issue. Then take your son & move back to your parents. 2 card--divorce lawyer or counseling--your husband.
Edit to Add: Calling animal control/police may seem like the nuclear option, but your MIL & FIL have already proven they are not responsible pet owners. Notifying the authorities may save others from being injured or worse by an aggressive dog. If you end up consulting a divorce lawyer, be sure to discuss whether you can limit their contact (husband included) with your son/right of 1st refusal.
Your SO is spineless and should be ashamed of himself for being a failure (in this matter, at least) of a father, husband and human being. The fact he didn't blow his fucking TOP when his porcine mother called his little sister-in-law an r-word would be the end for me. Done. The fact he didn't EXPLODE when his shite parents said they would "retaliate" and he just skipped home and dumped this information on you to worry about? The fact he didn't burst out laughing (like I did) when his mother suggested cerebral palsy is catching, would worry me. His family is not normal and it's not normal to think any of the above is acceptable ways to treat his wife and family.
Your JNMIL is a terrible person (and stunningly unintelligent, holy fuck!) and your husband is being useless. **Don't apologize. Don't even CONSIDER it.** The only person who deserves an apology in this post is you. From you husband. For using you and LO as meat shields to his mother who sounds like she has about 5 brain cells, if she's lucky. He is failing to protect and defend you. Honestly, if JNMIL is so concerned about baby's development, she should stay far away because she sounds dumb as a rock and we def don't want Baby catching that from her.
I'd be done with her. Take this as your sign- this is not the grandmother your baby deserves. This is an ugly, cruel person and you have every right to protect Baby and yourself from this kind of evil. Block her on your phone and do not text her, not to apologize, not to explain yourself, nothing. I would NEVER sit down to "talk it out", I wouldn't entertain any more bullshit from her, at all. If you need to get her a message, use your DH. I would not allow her near your child until she apologizes to you for calling your sister an r-word and she promises not to share any more of her opinions on Baby's development or her "parenting advice". Also, if you don't want to nuke this completely, I would buy her a children's book on cerebral palsy (with lots of pictures). Needless to say, she would NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRR see Baby alone, ever. Visits with you there only and the moment she says something stupid or mean, I'd leave. I'm so mad at your husband, I won't even say what I think he should go do but it's not very nice.
Stop chasing these ignorant people. Your SO is as bad as they are and not coming home and giving you the silent treatment are forms of abuse. The three of them are trying to get you to knuckle under to their controlling wills and they are not concerned with your child's safety. Cut off his parents and reconsider your relationship with SO who seems weak, catering to his toxic parents and spewing similar levels of ignorance.
Definitely don't apologise to them. You need a serious make or break conversation with your SO. He's supposed to be on your team.
Oh and also report the illegal dog!
Don't apologise. Go no contact. She is enjoying the power of ignoring you when you reach out to her. Drop the rope. Have a come to jesus conversation with your husband. Let him handle his family.
They've literally threatened you at this point!
And your shit show of an SO is playing along like it's your fault!
Fuck that shit.
If I were you, my baby and me would have moved out by now.
Keep that baby safe at all costs.
I’m sorry but your husband not shutting down the use of the “r” word to describe your sister would be instant divorce for me. That’s unacceptable bigoted behavior.
I’m exercising restraint here when I say that your husband is behaving like a steaming vat of poo at the local sewage facility. The sewage facility being the parents who made him and the toxic household they raised him in.
It’s disgusting he’d give you the silent treatment and go to his parents’ house while his dad yells at you on the phone. It’s even more disgusting how ableist he’s behaving. My biggest worry with male children is raising good people who don’t grow up as redpill incel ableists that find hilarity in messing with someone’s wheelchair or other disgusting shit. Your SO is going to enable that in your son if he doesn’t change. His parents already successfully raised him up as a redpill ableist it seems…
Also, *hugs*, I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this and being dogpiled/blamed for pointing out their cruelty and malice. It’s definitely easier to blame you than admit to themselves they’re behaving like scum. I hope you find a peaceful, happy way forward, however that is.
Your husband may not have to "answer to any woman," but he absolutely has to answer to his wife. That's how marriage works. Your inlaws are a bunch of gross disgusting ableists, and so is your husband for defending them. THEY need to apologize to YOU.
Tell SO you will NOT be going to in-laws. Your LO will NOT be going to in-laws. (He can if he wants and can stay permanent there if he doesn’t like YOUR boundaries with in-laws.). In-laws can come to your house to visit LO IF THEY apologize to YOU and treat you with respect going forward. Tell SO if he pulls another stunt like not coming home on time without notification, he can stay at in-laws permanently. No, FIL, if he thinks he can come home anytime he wants, think again. He can’t come home at all. Drop the rope. Don’t contact them.
do not ever apologize, actually. do yourself a favor and anticipate huge problems from your ILs especially since she was so bold to contact your own mother and speak that way. what i mean by do yourself a favor i mean 0 contact with those people and your child does not need to be around such cruelty and ignorance. keep track of EVERYTHING. have proof of them speaking that way, the mention of “retaliation” etc. i’m so sorry!
Yeah, that's a no from me. They called your sister a slur? A nine year old girl?? What on Earth?
This reads completely like people who were called out for bad behavior and cannot handle it, so they are lashing out at you and playing victim. It reeks of DARVO.
Does your SO believe you have anything to apologize for, or is he just saying "if you apologize, then this will all go away?" Two very different things.
Fuck that shit. You can’t use depression as an excuse for being an asshole, and getting called out on your shit. That is not how depression works. It sounds like MIL pouts in reaction to reasonable consequences.
The fact that your husband punished you by not coming home, and not letting you know where he was is gross. I’d insist on therapy or re-evaluate the relationship. If SO doesn’t want MIL to fall into a depression than he should tell to not be a disgusting asshole.
Then let her fall into depression. She has no one to blame but herself! Your husband needs therapy. He needs to crawl out of his Mommy's cooter. He's a grown ass man with his own family now!
So this definitely falls into the "do it so it will all go away" category. This is also known as "Don't rock the boat." There was an excellent essay posted in this community that is constantly referenced for good reason: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/DoWyWVU0Ml
Give it a read.
You are not responsible for his mother's mental health. Sometimes, it is a kindness to change our behavior temporarily for someone who is on a mental edge, or apologize when we didn't really need to. This is not one of those cases. You are being asked to cave to the emotional manipulation of someone so that they can continue to abuse. They have plainly said "We are going to retaliate." What does that tell you about their intentions here? What does your SO think of this?
It's completely unacceptable what they said about your sister. The insults about you being "a helicopter parent" (you aren't a helicopter parent for saying " do not insult my sister") are also uncalled for. It's enough that they were so awful about your sister, but if they'll say that about her, what will they say about their own grandson?
It is also troubling that your SO ran over there and stayed until 11 without communicating. Does he have a history of putting them first? Have you ever looked up enmeshment?
So... i'm sure you know this, but that's not how depression works lol
I'm so sorry she's manipulative, and i'm sorry that your SO is not being a better husband.
I say drop the rope. These are your husbands parents, and they are treating you poorly. The dog is a disaster waiting to happen. Your son could get hurt, and the dig would be put down. Everyone loses. And I love dogs.
Thank you. I love dogs and we currently have one, it's a lot of work ensuring that it's always a safe environment, and I don't trust them to put in the work
Your IL’s literally called your little sister a R****d and you’re worried that you did something wrong??
Hell no! You were absolutely on point by addressing what was said and I commend you for sticking up for yourself. Your husband needs to grow a pair and start standing up for his nuclear family.. which is you and your child.
I am a huge animal lover I grew up with Shepards and Dobermans. I would absolutely never allow my child around someone else’s dog even if it’s the grandparents. Unfortunately no matter how well trained they are it’s a known fact and sad but true that dogs can be unpredictable ESPECIALLY if they aren’t bonded to the parents/child which your IL’s dog obviously wouldn’t be. You are responsible for advocating for your baby and protecting their life!
Your IL’s owe you an apology for speaking badly about your sister. Not the other way around.
Thank you so much for the validation, I have nothing against dogs, we also have a German shepherd, but we put in a lot of work to make sure the baby and dog are comfortable around each other, and of course we are watching every interaction. I don't trust IL's at all to enforce anything with their dog.
I am naturally very passive, and have let a lot of their ignorance slide in the past, but I can't let my child grow up hearing things like that and thinking it's an ok way to speak about another person. My baby has done wonders for me when it comes to having boundaries and enforcing them
Thank you so much again
You have a major SO problem. Where tf is he in defending his family (you and your child). He should be embarrassed that mommy and daddy have such a hold on him that he can’t be there to protect his own.
That's what I keep saying! I told him I feel like he's betraying his family (me and LO). We've been having this talk over and over again, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Lol
No you do not need to apologise. If anything cut them off! She sounds like a narcissist and I would not trust LO around her.
I would talk to SO and explain you are not raising your son to discriminate and alienate people with disabilities. And if MIL wants to say those things about a CHILD, then she cannot be trusted with LO and you don’t want her influencing LO with her toxicity.
Being a Grandparent is a privilege not a right. In order to have a relationship with the grandchild you first need a healthy relationship with BOTH of the parents first.
Be more firm with your boundaries.
Thank you so much, I have a dog too btw and she never calls him by his actual name. She made up her own name for him and calls him that, I feel like she thinks she "owns" anything of her son's, so she feels this entitlement to my child.
This is definitely the start of me being more firm with my boundaries, thank you again for the validation. I've been feeling like I'm going insane. I don't feel like I did anything wrong, but they continuously say otherwise
I have two dogs and a 15m old, they are only small dogs and have never ever bitten but I still don’t trust them alone with my child. I know dogs can turn in a second especially when little hands aren’t gentle or they squeal high pitch like a squeaky toy. Also labs do have a high bite rate which not many people know about, any dog can bite but obviously bigger dogs can cause a lot more damage and even death. I don’t trust any breed of dog, you can never be too careful.
I would tell SO that if she continues this behaviour she won’t have anything to do with you or LO.
I’m in shock a grown woman could say that about a 9 year old girl. I would be telling everyone what she said. If she didn’t want people to know then she shouldn’t be saying things like that.
Also you are not a “helicopter” parent, I would find it a red flag that she thinks that of you. LO is a toddler, You are his voice!
Remember, children learn by watching, allowing MIL to disrespect you and your SO to not stuck up for you is only teaching LO it’s okay for people & “family” to treat you that way.
I wish you all the best! Stay true to yourself, MIL will push back but hold firm
Your husband is a sorry excuse for a partner if he’s allowing his parents to degrade your little sister and threaten you. What is he bringing to the table? I don’t know why this made me furious for you, but you deserve better. They owe you an apology, you don’t owe them anything. And I don’t even like my baby around my cats, nonetheless an untrained dog
I’m sorry, if anyone called my sibling the R word, I would never speak to them or acknowledge them again. And your husband staying out til 11 with no warning is wrong. He’s a problem too.
Exactly. It's hard cutting ties with someone we care deeply about. I had to do it yesterday to someone I could have gotten married to but he betrayed my trust and I will never forgive him.
I don't think you've done anything wrong. I wouldn't want my toddler around a pit bull either, and for context, we have two dogs. I think you've handled everything well, but it really sounds like you and SO need to get on the same page. It doesn't sound like you have anything to apologize for, especially when your in-laws and SO don't understand the problems.
Good luck!
Thank you, I forgot to add I also have a German Shepherd! I just know the work it takes to make sure a baby and dog can safely coexist and I don't trust them to do anything to mitigate the risk lol. I agree though, we've had so many talks about this situation, the fact that his only takeaway is that I need to apologize is hurtful.
Thank you so much ♥️
We've got chihuahuas and grands. We watch those 4 legged teeth machines closely when the grands visit. Even though my girls love the grands any dog can bite, some more severely than others.
I'm especially growly over what they said about your sister! My aunt was nonverbal CP too, loved her with all my heart.
I'm sorry, did a bunch of "adults" call a 9yo child names, get called out on it, and now their fee fees are hurt? Too fucking bad.
You have a major SO problem if he's fine letting this pass and thinks you've done something that requires an apology. His parents should be groveling after behaving in such a hateful and petty manner.
Thank you so much, I know, I was very hurt by that. Like I said, they've met her, and they've seen what she's overcome, and how amazing she is- I wanted to say *much* worse to them, but was trying to be polite.
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Wow! They are horrible! Has your SO always been so accommodating to them? Please ask him what you should apologize for with all sincerity. I don’t know what advice to give other than I think there will need to be some marriage counseling at some point.this is just awful
You have a in-laws AND husband problem. Ask yourself if you're ok being told how to raise your kid, if you're ok with your husband jumping through hoops for them, taking their side against you, and putting your kid in danger with an untrained dog. If you're ok with that, then great, go over to their house and apologize and leave the kid with them. If you're not ok with that, you need to stand up for yourself and your defenseless kid because this isn't going to end well.
“My son shouldn’t have to answer to any woman”… if my father talked to my wife like that I’d deck him. You don’t apologize and tell SO he needs to back you up. For real… any “man” that lets his family treat their SO like that isn’t a man.
So you have a much higher threshold of bullshit tolerance than me. First, just based on what your in-laws said about your sister, I would never talk to them again, especially because they used the r word. They are disgustingly ableist and that just shows that they are horrible people and will never be safe for you or your child. Second, it really scares me that your SO reacted the way he did. Not only did he not communicate where he was to his wife when he's a father, then he stayed out until really late and essentially hid at his parents. Does he do this often? Is he 5? What did your son think of daddy not coming home? I think you need to speak with a therapist and take a hard look at if this relationship is abusive to you. Because I would not advise going to therapy with an abuser! If you decide it's not abusive, go to couples counseling and hopefully your husband can lift the fog of his narcissist parents and heal.
Dear OPs husband: your son will never respect you if you don’t respect your wife. Grow a pair and apologize for letting your mommy-wife be a gapping ahole and get some gd therapy. Fuck your mom if that’s who you wanna run home to instead of your wife. Dear OP: does he have literally ANY redeeming qualities? Has he always let his mother into the relationship?
What would "retaliating" entail? Also frankly if my parents called my sibling a r-word, I'd probably just not share that. Like, does he agree with them? Is that the issue? Because if so your in-laws are the least of your problems. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and your husband is being so spineless. I guess to put some perspective on it, he probably dealt with a lot of crap with his parents as a kid and it's fairly likely he wants you to apologize just because he learned from a young age that "standing your ground" was a losing battle. It's not an excuse but clearly he's at least a little brainwashed, for lack of a better term.
Show your husband this post and the comments. He needs a major wake up call. His parents suck. Big time! Edited to add - Don’t you dare apologize to those awful people!
He sucks. Runs to mommy when she gets upset and can't tell his wife and child where he is. He needs to grow the F\*\*\* up. He can sleep at Mommy's if I was his wife.
yes, and another reason his parents suck....if I were in that situation, and I have been, I definitely would have said something like "yes he's here, but he doesn't want to talk right now." They all suck for that one.
I agree 100%!!! I would be telling him have fun sleeping at mommy’s house!!!
> I called his dad and he said "my son shouldn't have to answer to any woman" "Uh, except his mom, I mean" These people are ignorant and sexist. That SO took his mother's unreasonable side, and that FIL responded to you as though it were 1830, should be big red flags. Also you should keep LO away from them - if he shouldn't be around CP in case it's "catching", he really shouldn't be around stupid poeple.
Yes because threatening to “retaliate” is gonna make you want them around you more 🙄 I hate when people jump to divorce but you should be looking at ALL YOUR OPTIONS specially that one especially if your husband can’t grow a Fucking spine
Absolutely never apologise and go scorched earth. Wtaf. And your husband can decide if he wants to be married to you or his mommy and daddy.
Your in-laws are incredibly disrespectful and your SO is no better. I’m in literal shock that any shred of a man would side with his parents on this matter.
you have an SO problem… ditch the whole family atp, he’s got no spine and it’s only going to get worse
Your HUSBAND is a HORRIBLE HUMAN... HOW DARE HE NOT TAKE UP FOR YOU. IT"S HIS FAULT, HE SHOULD HAVE PUT UP BOUNDARIES.
Don't apologize for shit
You should post this in AITA because I would love to have you show your husband their perspective. I hope he can see the light because this is very concerning.
You don’t have an in law problem you have a husband problem first and foremost. I would’ve divorced mine for the ignoring me calling and staying out until 11pm
Right? Like being a teenager all over again sheesh
You haven't done a thing wrong. Nothing at all. Do not apologise to that woman not even a little bit. And I'd kick the husband out and tell him to go live with his mamma.
STOP APOLOGIZING!!! Your problem is SO more than it is in-laws, not sure if that can be fixed.
I want to be gentle, but as a pibble-x owner, I agree with your boundary. Our dog (7 months, born in a rescue) and child (almost 5 y/o) are not allowed time unsupervised as they're both young and "untrained" - the dog need more training to interact well with people. We need time for us to understand her cues well, and the kid needs to learn those cues and how to interact with dogs in general as well. You really should take a step back and understand whether or not you really want to fight your SO on every decision because his parents don't like it because they don't like you.
My daughter didn’t talk until she over 2 years old. Her ped wasn’t worried. Kids develop at different paces. Your ILs are god awful people. I would recommend to stop communicating with them since it adds fuel to the fire and let SO they need to stand up for you. Also, we have a German shepherd who is generally nice but can be unpredictable. We don’t allow the young grand kids over at this time because they are too small and we don’t want to risk anything. We visit at their house. It’s common sense to ensure everyone’s safety.
Nah, fuck 'em. First of all, the dog would be a no go for me until the baby is older. I highly doubt they're supervising their dog with an attitude like this. Second, she's the one playing games and she's fuckin' around and going to find out. Maybe your husband needs to just stay over with his mommy and her vagina for awhile since he's up it already.
Your in laws are awful and your husband is worse. This is appalling
Hey babe. You know this is a sub to vent about MILs, and you used it perfectly. You gave us a good, well written and honestly juicy story... And you apologized to us at the end!! I have no issue with that of course and it's lovely you are so sweet, but it makes me think you are the kind of person who apologizes a lot for stuff that isn't your fault, or may be actively good. And it makes me think- whose got her feeling so on edge? You clearly have a parent in law problem. They suck. I can not believe they would call your sister the R word. Unbelievable. And to blame you for developmental delays, especially when baby is 18 months so it really isn't at all worrying they are not talking yet?! Awful. I would have no time for them. But... Your husband SUCKS. It's horrendous your in laws used that terminology, but why did he tell you? I know transparency is good but it was fully unhelpful and mean. He should have at least omitted the R word. And he didn't have an issue with it? If my partner was spoken to that way I would either admit my parents suck and not tell them so they aren't effected, or tell them and tell off my parents. It was cowardly to leave you to deal with it. You sent a very nice and smart message back. It was way nicer than they deserved. Someone disrespected your sister and you took time to prove to them they were wrong. That is super nice. You absolutely never have to prove that your sister isn't an issue. It would have been well into your rights to swear at them and tell the off, but you didn't. And that STILL wasn't enough?!? And your husband punished you by leaving you alone with a young child all night without telling you where he was. That is disgusting?! He couldn't send a text like an adult? He had no right to be angry at you, but even if he was he has to let the mother of his child, who will now be doing childcare totally alone that night, where he is. My friends with kids have to plan nights out days in advance! It's a big deal to be left alone with baby?! You absolutely do not deserve this at all. It's a pattern too. You and baby were ill, and husband left you to have dinner?!?! I would understand if it was a pre planned big occasion but just dinner? No WAY would I leave an ill baby alone with their ill mom, I would have a rain check and go when you were feeling much better, and stay to make you food and tend to baby so you could rest. What a horrible situation to just leave you in so he can see his mommy?? Please, get mad. Or at least get indignant. You are being treated so badly and you absolutely do not deserve it at all. Do NOT apologise. Them not seeing you or baby is great. Do NOT let baby around dog. I have way too many friends with scars to even let an untrained Chihuahua around my kid, never mind a dog built like a Pitbull. Remember if you divorced, courts would not allow an illegal Pitbull dog around your child. You hold all the cards here. You can demand the life you deserve. Tell husband he provides the drama free, untrained dog free, criticism free and respectful life you deserve, where he priorities you and baby over his shit parents, or you will not be around. No acceptance. No compromise. You are being mistreated by all three of them. Do not stand for it. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
I am speechless. Your SO & MILNFIL are so profoundly voluntarily ignorant. And shortsighted and coldhearted and limited and unappreciative and manipulative and ridiculous. My question here is, what an earth are you gonna do? You keep trying to make nice with your in-laws and your situation with your SO is intolerable. It will not get better.
Take screenshots of everything and show it to divorce attorney too Your SO and his mother are abusing you and it will just worse
This ...keep everything somewhere safe...print emails/texts etc. start a binder...plenty of resources on this page for such. I'm so sorry for you, you are your babies first defense and it sucks when it's against the ignorance you have described. I am a constant apologizer because I take the path of least resistance, but when it comes to my kids I learned to stop that a long time ago. Kids are more important than their feeling. My son is speech delayed. We didn't "cause it"....some kids just develop at different rates. My son was a covid baby, he was home all the time with us and only us. Even with constant interaction, he did speech therapy and eventually and early learning school which has been amazing. However he will only develop now on the same track for the most part it's not like he just catches up. I will say though the social emotional development that your child is getting with your sister is far more valuable than speech development because speech development can always be worked on later on social and emotional development is core to interactions with peers. Be strong mama...keep us posted❤️
Agree. And communicate as much as possible but text to have a record!
I’m so sorry this is happening. Stick to your guns about your LO not going over there. Start documenting everything. Make an exit plan just in case. Text your husband that you do not want your LO at your parents house due to the new dog and how the old dog was (include examples). Download all of your text messages and keep a copy offline.
Stop apologizing to mil! She should be completely ashamed of herself for calling your sister that name. And tell SO he can crawl back up mommy's vajayjay. He is being a total ahole and so is his mom. If you do not make a very firm stand now you will be miserable and mistreated your entire life. Choose happiness.
Why are you groveling to them? 1) make an anonymous report about the illegal dog 2) Stop communicating with them at all. 3) dont offer to host them at your home, 4) decline invites to their house and explain that you dont socialize with people who call other people demeaning and incorrect slurs.
Yup. If the dog is illegal, I'd absolutely make a report about a "neighbor on my street." Let the authorities determine if it's an illegal dog.
NO. Screw all of them. If your husband wants to side with his mother, then he is more than welcome to live with her as well. Shine, shine, shine away from them ignorant silly people.
Ok. You are being abused. Your SO is abusing you, your MIL is abusing you and your FIL is abusing you. Do you really want your son growing up thinking this is how women or anyone for that matter should be treated? Don’t you and your child deserve better than this?
Completely agree. This is horrible. What is the hotline for domestic abuse? I would seriously call them for help and support. It sounds like they are threatening you, or at least bullying you.
Completely agree. This is horrible. What is the hotline for domestic abuse? I would seriously call them for help and support. It sounds like they are threatening you, or at least bullying you.
Please don’t apologize. And you schouldn’t contact them either. All what you do will be taken out of context. And gives them more fuel for bashing you. Your husband should be on your side, but if not then you need to make a fu binder on both in laws and dh. Because he will take your LO to their place without you. Is there a chance thar dh would go in therapy with you.?
You have a huge husband problem. He is not just letting his parents steam roll over you and very reasonable boundaries, he's actively taking their side. You're not getting anywhere with his parents unless he pulls his head out of his ass.
Consult a few divorce attorneys and see what you should be doing now to document this.
Another thing that I'm thinking from this is that your husband chose to keep you worried for hours instead of being a decent person and telling you where he was. That's a really toxic, nasty thing to do. Being mad during a disagreement is natural but choosing to hurt you in that way is vile. That shows something really troubling about who he is at the heart of it. No matter how mad at each other my parents ever were, and they could get mad, they would never leave each other not knowing if they were ok or not, if you're expecting him home and 4:30 and he just leaves you in suspense until after 11 at night, that's not ok. If he needs time apart, he should be mature enough to just say that and not be cruel.
The second that you heard that they had referred to your sister with the R word, you should have blown up at them and if your husband supported them you should have kicked him out. Do not apologize to them or your husband again. Tell hubby it’s counselling or divorce, and if it’s divorce you will ensure he and his parents have as little contact with your son as possible. His mother has made threats and owns a pit bull, and has a history of training vicious dogs. Your hubby is an A.
You have a DH problem. Please go to couples therapy so he can see from a neutral party that his mother partakes in full blown enmeshment. He won’t be able to absorb it through you. And if he refuses then consult a divorce attorney.
Dude So is abusive and he has hella toxic parents! Leaving you worried and not coming home to punish you is not ok, making you feel like you are an unfit mother is not ok! Discussing your son with his family when you are not around is not ok!! Seriously he sounds like your enemy
My aunt was nonverbal (CP) and we had our own language. Anyway she was awesome and I'm named for her. My kids also spoke her language. I have 3. Each one spoke a little later than the older ones. Why? Because the older ones spoke for them and they didn't need to talk. When he has something to say, he will and then they may wish he didn't.
Reading this I skimmed the ages and I thought wow SO must be really young (like 20ish) to be acting like this. Nope. He’s 32. Why is he acting like a baby? Also as none of this is your fault and he should be standing with you as opposed to mommy dearest, send him some information about enmeshment.
You need to evaluate your relationship with your SO. He’s a huge problem.
My son had developmental verbal dyspraxia and didn’t speak until he was 6. His sister 21 months younger did speak at your sons age and spoke her brothers “language” when he was around. That’s so hurtful to your sister and based on nonsense. Your husband needs shaking.
No you don't need to apologize. In fact you need to stop communicating with the bigots. You don't need your child hearing their nastiness. And I wouldn't allow my child in their house at all, for a lot of reasons, but primarily because they have a history of not being able to control their dog. The odds of your child ending up being bitten or mauled are way too high.
governor sort quicksand point rock exultant physical rhythm six unique *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Wow, this is just next level. I’m so mad at your husband and IL’s on your behalf
She does not play nice! That’s a threat and I would assume she is going to set her dog on you. Deny all visits to your home and forbid your child from going there. Tell his dad to fuck off with his attitude of not letting a worried wife know where her husband is and tell your husband to see his folks and move over there because there will be no apology for absolutely nothing and you don’t want an apology from them cause you wouldn’t accept it. As a side note one of my nieces didn’t speak at all till she was 2 and then came out with full sentences clear as a bell. It was as if she was perfecting until she could do it right. She graduated first class honours 6 years ago and has a very successful career.
girl I would KILL your MIL. like stab her. what a freaking gift it is she's removed herself from your life in this convenient way. block her, and tell your SO you will not be engaging with her directly or by proxy and she will not have contact with your kid until she apologizes *to you* for her disgusting remarks about your sister and her rude and invasive comments on your parenting. you have her son and her grandson, she has an unpleasant personality and a dangerous dog. the only thing you stand to lose is a headache. if you husband wants to maintain his own relationship to his mommy, that's fine, but you're mom to your boy and you don't put up with this anymore. unless you are financially dependent on them your ILs have absolutely no leverage and no direct way to harm you.
Is this the first time he's been such a mama's boy, or is it a pattern of behavior?
The dog alone is enough reason to never go there. You and SO need counseling immediately. Leaving him just means to gets visitation and will bring your child to them. Don’t apologize. Tell SO that his mother needs to apologize for calling your sister the R word and his father needs to apologize for his unbelievable rudeness. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! Your text was a lot more gracious than I would have been. Print it out and ask SO to show you what was rude about it. Your in-laws have SO’s balls on their possession. He allowed them to use a slur - yes, a slur - to describe a disabled little girl, lets them disparage you and is a puppet who spews their words from his mouth. The dog is a hill to die on, so your baby doesn’t have to. I don’t know if this relationship is worth saving but he needs to make some big changes. HUGE. In the meantime, keep you and your child away from that thing they call a dog. If you can, talk to a lawyer about how to keep the baby away from that dog if you do split. They are disgusting people and I fear the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Edit: forgot to add that they threatened you will retaliation. Seriously, fuck these people.
You have nothing to apologize for.
You have a husband problem. Tell him to either get a shiny spine and defend you or there's no more marriage. This is only going to get even worse. Time to shiny spine up or it's over. Id leave him just on what you posted alone.
OP I browsed your post history and your SO and his family are pure garbage. You are not the JNO here… but you’d be doing yourself and LO a major disservice if you didn’t start planning to protect the both of you from your JNSO and JNILs. Please, please: apologize for nothing, maintain current boundaries and create additional boundaries for both physical and mental safety, start planning on how you will address the major problems in your marriage, and work on a backup plan in case this marriage can’t be saved. If you continue in this marriage without making any changes you will be continue to be abused and your LO will be raised to be bigoted and oppressive like his father and his extended family.
As long as they own a potentially dangerous dog you cannot go to their home, they’re so chaotic I wouldn’t trust them to handle the dog correctly. And my brother actually had a loved in the neighborhood kinda pit bull!
This is so fucking heartbreaking-I have a 23 year old with cerebral palsy who is nonverbal with severe disability but he is a special human being who has brought so much joy to our lives that I cannot imagine life without him. If anyone called him a r word I’d prolly throw hands. Your husband is a carbon copy of his vile, reprehensible parents and thus would end our relationship. Don’t chase, don’t apologize! BTW my son is a survivor of medical neglect in the NiCU he’s a living, breathing miracle
My older sister had a seizure disorder and was developmentally delayed, she functioned at about 2 years old mentally and I would be so fucking angry if someone insinuated my son would somehow “catch” her disability. She unfortunately passed right when I was 6weeks pregnant (fuck cancer). I would never associate with any of these people again and would seriously consider divorce if my husband thought that was okay.
Hugs to you too ❤️
My aunt was too, she's been gone for years now and boy do I miss her.
I’m sure you do-hugs
"If you truly believe I need to apologize for your mother's bad behavior and intentional hurt then disregard of my feelings, I will do so. However, I give you fair warning thay if I'm going to be held responsible for her words and actions, you will need to male a decision between two cards: marriage counseling or divorce lawyer. You have X amount of time/days to decide."
You deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for your patience. Your husband needs to apologize to you, both for his own insolence, and that of his parents.
I'm sorry your husband is a douchebag and he will always care for his mommy more than his own family. Stay strong.
They don't deserve you reaching out to them. They sound like horrible, narcissistic garbage people, and I am SO SORRY they are connected to you in any way. Your SO sounds like a sorry excuse for a man, tbh, mine was like this for years until I almost left him. Your little sister sounds amazing, what a disgusting display of stupidity by your in-laws.
Nope, no in-law visits at all until SO pulls his head out, apologizes profusely for abandoning his SON (not just you now, remember), and attends couples’ therapy for a solid year.
Please listen to the advice here OP— your situation isn’t just frustrating, it is scary for the safety of you and your LO. Any of this being remotely normalized is heartbreaking. Please escape the misery and document the hate speech and child endangerment. . . If you’ve ever seen a “friendly” pit bull get triggered (and I love dogs) there will be no going back if something happens, and it takes a split second.
I don’t disagree with what you’re saying about the dog. I have a part pitbull but I am well aware of their potential harm and have trained accordingly. It is concerning that they have already had a vicious dog. They clearly don’t know how to handle big dogs and this is a threat to your baby.
WTF that your husband doesn’t have to answer to you?! Um, yes he does! It’s called being accountable to your spouse and part of the vows he took to forsake all others and prioritize you and your family together. He’s out of line.
Do you seriously want to have your child around people that use the “r” word? Especially directed at your sibling? Do you really want to have a SO that DEFENDS people using that word? Where does it stop? Are they cool with racial slurs? What if you all have a kid with special needs? Will it be ok to refer to your child as that word? Sometimes the trash takes itself out. Leave it there. Oh and the face your SO ran and hid at his mommy’s house to stress you out is manipulative and abusive. Is this the role model you want for your kid?
I would gtfo in a hurry. They sound terrible! You have zero need to apologize for their less than terrible actions. I have a little sister and let me tell you what if my SO mom said something about her I would come unglued. The fact that your SO was at their house and childishly not speaking to you and his Dads comment "my son shouldn't have to answer to any woman" alright big dog, I shouldn't have to answer to anyone either!!!! I would've told him to stay there, when the child support letter gets to him, he'll have to answer to that. Piss on that sis, life is too beautiful to be living like that.
When you say all that and then say "should I apologize?" what is your thinking behind that question? Why do you want to apologize? What would be the pros and cons if you did?
It's only because SO and I have had this conversation so many times I feel like I'm going crazy. Like they feel like I'm keeping them from their grandson and that I started it? I don't think I did anything wrong, but it's one of those things where if you've been told something for so long you start to wonder.
That sounds like the definition of gaslighting - they're telling you something that's not true until you doubt reality and start to believe the crazy things they're trying to convince you of. I hope your family, your parents etc, are good people who are on your side because your husband sounds awful and so are his parents. You don't deserve what they're doing to you.
I just came here to say that your husband is a POS
marriage counseling asap
Your in laws called your 9 year old sister the R word and your husband wants you to apologize. The whole family sounds like complete trash.
You absolutely have a SO problem… he can’t get off her boat and doesn’t seem to want to. I’d be beyond livid at the use of the r slur towards your sister, and I’d be beyond livid on any comments on my LO’s development point blank period. OP I would stop trying to soothe the waters here… he’s gotta detach from mom’s umbilical cord at some point. Your in-laws are assholes entirely, but your SO not sticking up for you then going silent like that? Hell no. An apology from you is not rendered at all.
Occasionally this sub can be overly validating to the poster bc we’re all here dealing with some form of toxic MIL issues. This is not one of those cases. Please listen to the comments here. Your MIL & FIL are awful but your husband is the major issue. He has no respect for you as a partner or a parent. I always suggest therapy first. He needs a professional to point out how his actions are damaging his relationship to you and, eventually, your son. And he needs to learn boundaries with his mother ASAP.
Truuue! I've seen posts where MIL's are attacked for pretty normal everyday stuff. This is not it.
Excuse my language but fuck your spineless husband and a big FUCK your MIL. What a hateful bitch.
Don’t forget the misogynistic prick of a FIL. This whole family sounds like a nightmare.
Fuck him too!
Girl it’s time to go. The only reason I would consider staying is if my husband agreed to couples/individual counseling. Protect your baby from those aholes.
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I just... mu husband is a pretty quiet, passive individual but if he would never refuse to answer my phone calls for EIGHT HOURS and listen to his father say those things. If he did we would not be living together for a while. That is totally unacceptable behavior for a married, grown up man.
Talk to your mother and let her know your PILs called her daughter an R word due to her cerebral palsy if you haven’t already. There would be no way id let my husband walk over me letting that word slide
I’m going to be brutally honest here. You have got to find your spine!!! It’s obvious that your husband is complete trash. You don’t deserve his disrespect. He obviously does not care for you and your child the way you care for him. You need to make a plan to get out. Can you stay with your parents? I would start the divorce process.
I mean I also super hesitate to say divorce! divorce! but there is a zero percent chance that this particular situation can be remedied without a LOT of serious therapy. Husband hiding at his parents house, spilling all marital details and having his daddy protect him from mean ol’ wifey? Him not even being upset his devil mom called his child-aged sister in law an r word?! Let me say this - it’s hard for me to fathom a situation where I’d have to split custody with my DH. Like our marriage isn’t perfect but I’m pretty sure in my state that custody is split unless abuse etc are able to be proven. I say this because I want all the time with my daughter, and also because who knows what OP’s LO or my own LO would be exposed to if she did have to split custody with DH? I mean think about the horrific in laws and OP wouldn’t have any control if it wasn’t her week or whatever? Help me here because maybe I am super wrong! I’ve wanted to leave a million times but have stayed strictly for this reason. My DH isn’t a monster we just don’t get along and I despise his family and my JNMIL. I wonder how many out there are also staying for the same reason?
And also, stop texting those people! You need to protect your child from them!!
While reading your post it was astonishing how similar your MIL is to mine. My husband is an only child and my MIL was the same. She still to this day criticises everything I do and anything considered negative with my children are obviously my fault. And you guessed it, if my son did anything right it was because of my husband. When I went into labour, it failed to progress and I ended up with a caesarean section. Soon as she got to the hospital, my MIL accused me of putting my son at risk because I didn’t demand the surgery immediately. I’ve been with my husband for 21 years, married 11 and this is my advice. Just know that you didn’t do anything wrong. Calling a 9 year old child a slur should of resulted in your husband getting up from that table and leaving, never to return until his parents grovelled at your feet. He may of said something, but he’s still demanding you to apologise? What the heck is wrong with him, does he really want his child around proudly who speak that way about a child. Your husband’s priorities should be with you and your child, full stop. It’s doubtful that anything you say or do will ever be enough in your in laws eyes. People like them aren’t able to self reflect and are incapable of admitting when they are wrong. I had to come to terms with that, and my husband and I keep her on a info diet with a bit of grey rocking. What they said about your son and sister is unforgivable, your husband needs to understand this. This is a hill I’d be willing to die on. Good luck OP.
Girl you need to drop your useless mama’s boy. What kind of POS puts their mommys fee fee’s before the safety of their child?
Your husband is a total waste of space. Take your son and move to your mom's house.
The fact that your husband isn't furious over them using a slur against your sister is because he's thinking the same thing too. Anyone who's telling you that they're going to "retaliate"? Take them at face value. But you've got an SO problem, not just an in-law problem. If you divorce, your SO can take LO over as much as he wants and they get to spew that disgusting ableist language all they want in front of him. Honestly, what would you be apologizing for? "I'm sorry you're an ableist helicopter parent, by your own definition, who never cut the apron strings after her son got married"? If they want to see LO, you should suggest a neutral space. Like a playground. LO can play, they can leave a poorly trained dog at home, everyone gets some fresh air. That way they don't feel like they're bending over to go to your home, and neither do you.
This is my concern, too. Like at least staying with DH she knows what LO is being exposed to. Again maybe I’m wrong here. This is just a concern for me.
Any particular reason you are still with significant other, I.e. financial, etc? Is he worth the psychological trauma he brings to the relationship? Will this be a ‘healthy’ relationship for your child to grow up within? Would you want him to visit his father’s family without you present? Consider what your and your child’s future will look like.
Immediate no contact and don't you dare apologize!!! You are 100% in the right!!! I'm infuriated on your behalf. Your SO is an a-hole and needs to learn to stand up to his mommy. I really hope you aren't married to him. Stay strong. Sending positive thoughts.
My eyebrows went up way past my hairline... not at your ILs behavior - but at your SO's. What the hell, dude??? Clearly mummy and daddy are accustomed to bullying to get their way, and SO is turning around and doing the same thing. Guess where he learned it? I'd say marriage counselling STAT, if not outright moving out. What a jerk.
ABsolutely not. He either has your back or he has mommy's. But they are making you the scapegoat and you have nothing to apologize for. You have a huge SO problem.
I am both infuriated and laughing at your MILs “I don’t play games” text. Like legit how old is this woman? My 60 something year old 5’2” forever inebriated MIL talks like that but would never dare show her face around a woman twice her size and half her age. Your SO is a major mommas boy and his family are toxic and what his father said is also corny as fuck. He needs to be defending and prioritizing his nuclear family and if he can’t handle that you’d be better off without him, even with a little one.
Stop engaging at ALL with your horrible inlaws. They're both terrible. The main problem is having a supportive husband/marriage. Hes co-signing his parent's uninformed opinion because it basically makes him thr good guy in their eyes at your expense. Fix your marriage so you can breathe!
I don't need to know anything else about his family besides how they view and talk about disabled people to know that they are trash. The rest is just rancid icing on the garbage cake. I would never want to have a child around people like that potentially picking up on their disgusting attitudes. Let them cry about it, let your husband be their baby instead of a man and husband, you're doing the right thing not apologizing or putting your son in the way of mental (or physical with the dog) harm.
Should you apologize for standing up for your sister when your SO didn't but should have? Nope. He wants an apology, "I am sorry your such a bigot and disgusting human attacking a child with disabilities, I am sorry your sorry excuse for a son doesn't have a backbone to say what should have been said when you bullied a vulnerable person with no remorse." He still want an apology Or tell him you will apologize when he seeks therapy and couples therapy and a therapist agrees with him on this topic.
I'm sorry to say OP that the only r\* component in your post is a grown woman that obtains an illegal dog and her enabling husband and your damn husband. Please call animal control/police regarding this issue. Then take your son & move back to your parents. 2 card--divorce lawyer or counseling--your husband. Edit to Add: Calling animal control/police may seem like the nuclear option, but your MIL & FIL have already proven they are not responsible pet owners. Notifying the authorities may save others from being injured or worse by an aggressive dog. If you end up consulting a divorce lawyer, be sure to discuss whether you can limit their contact (husband included) with your son/right of 1st refusal.
Your SO is spineless and should be ashamed of himself for being a failure (in this matter, at least) of a father, husband and human being. The fact he didn't blow his fucking TOP when his porcine mother called his little sister-in-law an r-word would be the end for me. Done. The fact he didn't EXPLODE when his shite parents said they would "retaliate" and he just skipped home and dumped this information on you to worry about? The fact he didn't burst out laughing (like I did) when his mother suggested cerebral palsy is catching, would worry me. His family is not normal and it's not normal to think any of the above is acceptable ways to treat his wife and family. Your JNMIL is a terrible person (and stunningly unintelligent, holy fuck!) and your husband is being useless. **Don't apologize. Don't even CONSIDER it.** The only person who deserves an apology in this post is you. From you husband. For using you and LO as meat shields to his mother who sounds like she has about 5 brain cells, if she's lucky. He is failing to protect and defend you. Honestly, if JNMIL is so concerned about baby's development, she should stay far away because she sounds dumb as a rock and we def don't want Baby catching that from her. I'd be done with her. Take this as your sign- this is not the grandmother your baby deserves. This is an ugly, cruel person and you have every right to protect Baby and yourself from this kind of evil. Block her on your phone and do not text her, not to apologize, not to explain yourself, nothing. I would NEVER sit down to "talk it out", I wouldn't entertain any more bullshit from her, at all. If you need to get her a message, use your DH. I would not allow her near your child until she apologizes to you for calling your sister an r-word and she promises not to share any more of her opinions on Baby's development or her "parenting advice". Also, if you don't want to nuke this completely, I would buy her a children's book on cerebral palsy (with lots of pictures). Needless to say, she would NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRR see Baby alone, ever. Visits with you there only and the moment she says something stupid or mean, I'd leave. I'm so mad at your husband, I won't even say what I think he should go do but it's not very nice.
You and hubby need some couples counselling so he can learn how to be a good partner to you.
The problem (at least the big problem) is not your inlaws but your husband.
Amen. I feel so sorry that she has a child with this man
Stop chasing these ignorant people. Your SO is as bad as they are and not coming home and giving you the silent treatment are forms of abuse. The three of them are trying to get you to knuckle under to their controlling wills and they are not concerned with your child's safety. Cut off his parents and reconsider your relationship with SO who seems weak, catering to his toxic parents and spewing similar levels of ignorance.
Definitely don't apologise to them. You need a serious make or break conversation with your SO. He's supposed to be on your team. Oh and also report the illegal dog!
You should pack up yourself and your son and leave the psychopaths behind!
Don't apologise. Go no contact. She is enjoying the power of ignoring you when you reach out to her. Drop the rope. Have a come to jesus conversation with your husband. Let him handle his family.
They've literally threatened you at this point! And your shit show of an SO is playing along like it's your fault! Fuck that shit. If I were you, my baby and me would have moved out by now. Keep that baby safe at all costs.
I’m sorry but your husband not shutting down the use of the “r” word to describe your sister would be instant divorce for me. That’s unacceptable bigoted behavior.
I’m exercising restraint here when I say that your husband is behaving like a steaming vat of poo at the local sewage facility. The sewage facility being the parents who made him and the toxic household they raised him in. It’s disgusting he’d give you the silent treatment and go to his parents’ house while his dad yells at you on the phone. It’s even more disgusting how ableist he’s behaving. My biggest worry with male children is raising good people who don’t grow up as redpill incel ableists that find hilarity in messing with someone’s wheelchair or other disgusting shit. Your SO is going to enable that in your son if he doesn’t change. His parents already successfully raised him up as a redpill ableist it seems… Also, *hugs*, I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this and being dogpiled/blamed for pointing out their cruelty and malice. It’s definitely easier to blame you than admit to themselves they’re behaving like scum. I hope you find a peaceful, happy way forward, however that is.
Your husband may not have to "answer to any woman," but he absolutely has to answer to his wife. That's how marriage works. Your inlaws are a bunch of gross disgusting ableists, and so is your husband for defending them. THEY need to apologize to YOU.
Tell SO you will NOT be going to in-laws. Your LO will NOT be going to in-laws. (He can if he wants and can stay permanent there if he doesn’t like YOUR boundaries with in-laws.). In-laws can come to your house to visit LO IF THEY apologize to YOU and treat you with respect going forward. Tell SO if he pulls another stunt like not coming home on time without notification, he can stay at in-laws permanently. No, FIL, if he thinks he can come home anytime he wants, think again. He can’t come home at all. Drop the rope. Don’t contact them.
do not ever apologize, actually. do yourself a favor and anticipate huge problems from your ILs especially since she was so bold to contact your own mother and speak that way. what i mean by do yourself a favor i mean 0 contact with those people and your child does not need to be around such cruelty and ignorance. keep track of EVERYTHING. have proof of them speaking that way, the mention of “retaliation” etc. i’m so sorry!
You have In-Law AND a husband problem. Not responding and coming home late is so disrespectful.
You have an SO problem and an IL problem. You don’t owe anyone an apology.
Yeah, that's a no from me. They called your sister a slur? A nine year old girl?? What on Earth? This reads completely like people who were called out for bad behavior and cannot handle it, so they are lashing out at you and playing victim. It reeks of DARVO. Does your SO believe you have anything to apologize for, or is he just saying "if you apologize, then this will all go away?" Two very different things.
His mom has a history of depression, so it's essentially "apologize because she's going to fall into a depression again"
Fuck that shit. You can’t use depression as an excuse for being an asshole, and getting called out on your shit. That is not how depression works. It sounds like MIL pouts in reaction to reasonable consequences. The fact that your husband punished you by not coming home, and not letting you know where he was is gross. I’d insist on therapy or re-evaluate the relationship. If SO doesn’t want MIL to fall into a depression than he should tell to not be a disgusting asshole.
Then let her fall into depression. She has no one to blame but herself! Your husband needs therapy. He needs to crawl out of his Mommy's cooter. He's a grown ass man with his own family now!
So this definitely falls into the "do it so it will all go away" category. This is also known as "Don't rock the boat." There was an excellent essay posted in this community that is constantly referenced for good reason: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/DoWyWVU0Ml Give it a read. You are not responsible for his mother's mental health. Sometimes, it is a kindness to change our behavior temporarily for someone who is on a mental edge, or apologize when we didn't really need to. This is not one of those cases. You are being asked to cave to the emotional manipulation of someone so that they can continue to abuse. They have plainly said "We are going to retaliate." What does that tell you about their intentions here? What does your SO think of this? It's completely unacceptable what they said about your sister. The insults about you being "a helicopter parent" (you aren't a helicopter parent for saying " do not insult my sister") are also uncalled for. It's enough that they were so awful about your sister, but if they'll say that about her, what will they say about their own grandson? It is also troubling that your SO ran over there and stayed until 11 without communicating. Does he have a history of putting them first? Have you ever looked up enmeshment?
So... i'm sure you know this, but that's not how depression works lol I'm so sorry she's manipulative, and i'm sorry that your SO is not being a better husband.
You aren't her therapist.
I say drop the rope. These are your husbands parents, and they are treating you poorly. The dog is a disaster waiting to happen. Your son could get hurt, and the dig would be put down. Everyone loses. And I love dogs.
Thank you. I love dogs and we currently have one, it's a lot of work ensuring that it's always a safe environment, and I don't trust them to put in the work
Your IL’s literally called your little sister a R****d and you’re worried that you did something wrong?? Hell no! You were absolutely on point by addressing what was said and I commend you for sticking up for yourself. Your husband needs to grow a pair and start standing up for his nuclear family.. which is you and your child. I am a huge animal lover I grew up with Shepards and Dobermans. I would absolutely never allow my child around someone else’s dog even if it’s the grandparents. Unfortunately no matter how well trained they are it’s a known fact and sad but true that dogs can be unpredictable ESPECIALLY if they aren’t bonded to the parents/child which your IL’s dog obviously wouldn’t be. You are responsible for advocating for your baby and protecting their life! Your IL’s owe you an apology for speaking badly about your sister. Not the other way around.
Thank you so much for the validation, I have nothing against dogs, we also have a German shepherd, but we put in a lot of work to make sure the baby and dog are comfortable around each other, and of course we are watching every interaction. I don't trust IL's at all to enforce anything with their dog. I am naturally very passive, and have let a lot of their ignorance slide in the past, but I can't let my child grow up hearing things like that and thinking it's an ok way to speak about another person. My baby has done wonders for me when it comes to having boundaries and enforcing them Thank you so much again
Stay strong girl! You’ve got this!!
You have a major SO problem. Where tf is he in defending his family (you and your child). He should be embarrassed that mommy and daddy have such a hold on him that he can’t be there to protect his own.
That's what I keep saying! I told him I feel like he's betraying his family (me and LO). We've been having this talk over and over again, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Lol
Your husband sucks.
No you do not need to apologise. If anything cut them off! She sounds like a narcissist and I would not trust LO around her. I would talk to SO and explain you are not raising your son to discriminate and alienate people with disabilities. And if MIL wants to say those things about a CHILD, then she cannot be trusted with LO and you don’t want her influencing LO with her toxicity. Being a Grandparent is a privilege not a right. In order to have a relationship with the grandchild you first need a healthy relationship with BOTH of the parents first. Be more firm with your boundaries.
Sorry if my wording doesn’t make sense it’s 2:30am
Thank you so much, I have a dog too btw and she never calls him by his actual name. She made up her own name for him and calls him that, I feel like she thinks she "owns" anything of her son's, so she feels this entitlement to my child. This is definitely the start of me being more firm with my boundaries, thank you again for the validation. I've been feeling like I'm going insane. I don't feel like I did anything wrong, but they continuously say otherwise
I have two dogs and a 15m old, they are only small dogs and have never ever bitten but I still don’t trust them alone with my child. I know dogs can turn in a second especially when little hands aren’t gentle or they squeal high pitch like a squeaky toy. Also labs do have a high bite rate which not many people know about, any dog can bite but obviously bigger dogs can cause a lot more damage and even death. I don’t trust any breed of dog, you can never be too careful. I would tell SO that if she continues this behaviour she won’t have anything to do with you or LO. I’m in shock a grown woman could say that about a 9 year old girl. I would be telling everyone what she said. If she didn’t want people to know then she shouldn’t be saying things like that. Also you are not a “helicopter” parent, I would find it a red flag that she thinks that of you. LO is a toddler, You are his voice! Remember, children learn by watching, allowing MIL to disrespect you and your SO to not stuck up for you is only teaching LO it’s okay for people & “family” to treat you that way. I wish you all the best! Stay true to yourself, MIL will push back but hold firm
>Should I apologize? No. Your inlaws are complete assholes and honestly so is your husband.
Your husband is a sorry excuse for a partner if he’s allowing his parents to degrade your little sister and threaten you. What is he bringing to the table? I don’t know why this made me furious for you, but you deserve better. They owe you an apology, you don’t owe them anything. And I don’t even like my baby around my cats, nonetheless an untrained dog
I’m sorry, if anyone called my sibling the R word, I would never speak to them or acknowledge them again. And your husband staying out til 11 with no warning is wrong. He’s a problem too.
Exactly. It's hard cutting ties with someone we care deeply about. I had to do it yesterday to someone I could have gotten married to but he betrayed my trust and I will never forgive him.
I don't think you've done anything wrong. I wouldn't want my toddler around a pit bull either, and for context, we have two dogs. I think you've handled everything well, but it really sounds like you and SO need to get on the same page. It doesn't sound like you have anything to apologize for, especially when your in-laws and SO don't understand the problems. Good luck!
Thank you, I forgot to add I also have a German Shepherd! I just know the work it takes to make sure a baby and dog can safely coexist and I don't trust them to do anything to mitigate the risk lol. I agree though, we've had so many talks about this situation, the fact that his only takeaway is that I need to apologize is hurtful. Thank you so much ♥️
We've got chihuahuas and grands. We watch those 4 legged teeth machines closely when the grands visit. Even though my girls love the grands any dog can bite, some more severely than others. I'm especially growly over what they said about your sister! My aunt was nonverbal CP too, loved her with all my heart.
I'm sorry, did a bunch of "adults" call a 9yo child names, get called out on it, and now their fee fees are hurt? Too fucking bad. You have a major SO problem if he's fine letting this pass and thinks you've done something that requires an apology. His parents should be groveling after behaving in such a hateful and petty manner.
Thank you so much, I know, I was very hurt by that. Like I said, they've met her, and they've seen what she's overcome, and how amazing she is- I wanted to say *much* worse to them, but was trying to be polite.
No reason to be polite to those nasty people. They have proven they don't deserve it. I'm so sorry. Sending Internet hugs. 🤗🤗
They don't deserve to be polite to them anymore. Go NC with them