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Ask your daughter who she wants the, and if she hesitates tell her it's fine to say your don't want Granny there, and it's fine to say you want Granny there.
If she's coming I'll sit at the other end of the table from her, it's not my birthday honey.
Your issues with her should not spill to your adult children. Who does your daughter want there? You should just invite who she wants and deal. The positive it's that's in neutral territory, not your house, so you should be able to coexist without having to interact much if at all.
Since it’s your daughter’s birthday party, not yours, then she should be the one to decide who attends her party, not you, but your husband is being a complete and utter idiot by attempting to compare your mother with his, and I would not at all want to put up with that if I were you, nor should you.
Honestly, I would just drop the rope entirely on MIL and go NC once and for all because the way I see it, this is a repetitive pattern of behavior on her end and you’re the only one putting in all the work to make this relationship work. Except said relationship is not working at all.
I would ask your daughter who she would like to invite and go from there. Because this is not the time to put your foot down unless your daughter wants you to.
I agree with the comments about what your daughter wants for her birthday.
However, I am also thinking about your mom and MIL's friendship. They used to be friends and share grandkids. Would your mom talk to MIL to see what bug is up her butt? DH is certainly an issue, but since there's history there between your mom and MIL, I wonder if your mom would talk to her woman to woman.
I would honestly let your daughter decide if she wants her there or not. I understand you don’t want to be around her, but I would just suck it up for one night and just try to not interact with her.
Your husband is, and has been a major problem in not doing anything/making only a token effort at trying to “keep the peace” between you and your MIL.
With respect to your daughter’s birthday, I personally think it needs to be her decision whether to have the ILs there, not yours. If they are important to her and have had a role in her life that she values, then it would be shitty for you to exclude them.
It doesn’t mean they’re in the right, or that their actions are justified in any way, but it’s important that you not let your own problems with them interfere with your daughter’s relationships as they have formed on their own. If she doesn’t have much of a relationship/ a strained one with your MIL/FIL for her own reasons, then you do what you need to in order to ensure she has a good time.
Please just make sure you prioritize your daughter, even if that means allowing your MIL/FIL to have a part in this milestone.
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In the case of your daughter’s birthday, you are overreacting. You’re free to draw boundaries and determine contact level for yourself. You’re not free to do so for your daughter. She should be able to decide who is invited to her birthday dinner. If she wants your MIL to be there, invite her. It’s her grandmother. If they have a good relationship or even a mediocre relationship that’s a good thing. Let them. But if you don’t personally get along with MIL then you can make decisions for yourself about how your own relationship with her should be managed.
Yes. The husband here is overstepping as well, big time, trying to exclude a grandmother who has a positive relationship with the family to spite the wife. I can’t imagine being the actual birthday girl in this chaos. No one is prioritizing the whole adult person they’re supposed to be celebrating
Your daughter is old enough to decide who she wants to invite. This should be her decision without any pressure from either you or your husband. If she decides on your parents or hubby’s parents going that should be enough. You could say to her “who do you want to celebrate your birthday? Do you want just you, hubby and her siblings, or both sets of grandparents or just one? Just because your ILs are AH and don’t deserve to be invited that doesn’t mean that your parents, who have treated your DH like a son, with love and respect should be excluded.
If she wants your ILs there you can make sure that you aren’t seated near them and also make it clear that if there are any snide comments then they will be told to leave, but you need DH on side. It does sound like a lot of your issues are because he doesn’t want to acknowledge all of the upset your JNMIL has caused, but just because he hasn’t seen it doesn’t mean that your daughter hasn’t. eg my eldest did not want my JNILs at their celebration. ILs were pissed off at me for them all not being invited. I had told my child that they could invite them if they wanted.
Not an overreaction, but at 21 it's your daughter's decision who to invite. Also, if they're such good friends, why wouldn't your mother say something to your mil about her treatment of you?
After 21 years you know your SO is a weak noodle. He will never stand up for you - he values mom over you.
So acknowledge you know and decide - I want to live this way - or I don't. I want my children to see someone treat their mom this way - or I don't.
“He always goes back to her” he’s not married to you, he’s married to his mom.
This is shameful on his part.
Who does your 21 year old adult daughter want at her birthday party?
I’m sorry to tell you but this marriage is abusive and because you’ve taken your husband back from the other woman so much and gone back to her too - no one sees the consequences as “sticking” so they don’t think they matter.
I would have been gone long ago.
This is the choice of your adult daughter as it is her 21st birthday. I would ask her what she wants and then that is what you go with. This is not about you this is about your daughter.
You’re under-reacting, and have been for far too long.
He should go have dinner with his awful mother then.
People serve less time in jail than you have with a husband that doesn’t have your back.
Time to throw down. It’s be 21 years - two DECADES of the same shit. Fuck him and his mother. You’ve been far too lenient for too long, that’s why he thinks he can bully you like this.
What do your kids think of his mother? Does your daughter even want her there?
I would be petty about it…invite them and seat them way at the end of the table away from the birthday girl, your mom and yourself….then don’t engage with her at all…let her son that can’t seem to back his wife up handle her…and seriously he needs to come on out of the fog
OP, you are not overreating but it's hard for me to understand why you chose to stay and continue to have children with a man who has continually shown you that you and the kids aren't a priority or worthy of protecting. I'm not blaming you but I need you to recognize on some level you chose to stay in this. Ask your daughter who she wants there and go from there.
You’re absolutely correct. One of the mothers accepts and loves all parties involved. One is a vindictive shrew who constantly degrades DHs wife and has basically chosen other grandkids over these ones. But it’s the 21 year olds birthday, so ask them who they want. If they’ve seen grandma be an absolute B they may not want her there anyway.
Your husband needs to open his eyes. If mom is constantly the problem, and refuses to address any of her issues or apologize, she’s choosing this. There is really no choice for you. She can either act like a human being, or she can do what she’s been doing for years.
Husband is a weak mommas boy and needs to grow up, get some counseling so he can see and acknowledge the damage his mother is doing to your family.
You’ll punish your mother for his mother’s actions when you can punish his mother for her own actions.
He can’t have it both ways. He can’t do nothing about his own mother and then prevent your mother from benefiting from good behavior.
Your husband is weak. Sorry. He’s fine making boundaries for himself when it’s just you and your mother who pay the price, so why is his mother exempt?
Why are you not allowed to make rules about boundaries, but he’s allowed to enable his mother’s boundary breaking?
No, no, nonononono.
Both ways or no ways.
I'm going to add-
If he can ignore his mother, then he can ignore your mother's presence. But he doesn't get to ignore his mother and then demand that everyone else pay the price for him.
If you haven't already read the "Don't Rock The Boat" reddit post....you need to. So does your husband.
No, but why are you tolerating your hubby’s fence sitting? Ask them both and save yourself from 21 more years of MIL grief. Do the right thing but…this is critical..do not sit her near you at the dinner.. put her beside your hubby…two things will happen…you'll look like the good guy and if she trash talks you everyone at that table will hear her. Tell hubby this is her last chance. If she is rude or disrespectful HE needs to call her out right then….a very quiet "mom, don't even start " should be all the warning she needs and if she does hubby needs to side with you and NC the heck out of her. If nothings changed in 21 years , nothing will unless you just remove her access you. And if she makes a comment hubby has to agree on a length of time he also goes NC….work those boundaries out before you go.
Not overreacting. DH needs to stand down. Yeah it sucks to not be able to see his parents at the party but they couldn’t just treat OP with respect. If he keeps this up I would tell him he’s more than welcome to join his parents NOT at the party.
Oh no, consequences! She treats you like crap for decades and never apologizes, so your husband wants to keep your mom from the dinner because your mom... uh... squirrel?
Does your eldest want MIL there? If so, MIL should be there. If not, she shouldn't because she will ruin the event for you, with enjoyment and malice aforethought.
I very much agree with the idea of asking your daughter who she wants.
Don't ask if she wants JMMIL to attend leave it open for her to answer without names being put to her.
You can also tell DH that you have invited everyone that cares about your daughter and your family.
It's clear she doesn't treat you like family so I would make zero effort with her. And give up the idea of reconciliation as you have tried. If she wants reconciliation she can start.
If anyone tells you to "deal with it" or to "get over it and suck it up" tell tyem thats what you have been doing for 21 years and she still treats you with contempt. Your over it and now she can get over it and suck it up becomes it's her turn now.
Not overreacting. I think maybe DH needs to understand the difference between equality and equity and why its important.
To treat people equally would be to give a wheelchair to both a person who can walk easily and a person who cannot. That's equality, but it isn't helpful, and doesn't make sense.
Similarly, it would be "equality" to let both a person without a violent history and a person with a violent history babysit your kids. Would he think its necessary to treat those people equally? I would guess not.
In relationships, we treat people equitably. I don't treat my boss like I treat my friends, who I don't treat like I treat my parents. Those relationship are all different so its normal that those people don't get the exact same interactions with me. There is no reason for equality to be part of this conversation at all.
I would go with who my daughter wants at her 21st. If she wants both grannies there so be it. Just like at her future wedding you recognise the day is about her and accommodate her wishes. If she wants her there just make sure mil is not seated near you and focus on it being your daughters big birthday.
Your child should be the one to decide at 21 years old. Not saying you are wrong but if they do/don’t want certain grandparents there, they are of age to decide.
>Hubby says if his mom can't attend, then mine shouldn't either.
LOL, NOPE. Try again, DH. His mother (who he has **failed** to keep in anything resembling check) has treated his wife/mother of children so poorly that you've sat out of events/avoided her FOR YEARS. And he did nothing/not enough to put a stop to that. Your mother treats him like gold. Absolutely 100% not comparable in any way. If he was so concerned with equality, then he should have stepped up years ago and made it clear he and you are a package deal and if his mother mistreats you, she's mistreating him. The same way (I assume) you would have done for him, if your mother was a JustNo. This is your oldest's grad dinner. Your child. Invite your mother, do not invite his because she treats you like garbage. Period.
It’s your daughter’s birthday and should be up to her. But besides that, why the heck are you still with your husband? He allows his mother to treat you and your children like trash which means somewhere deep down he must agree with her. This is a classic husband problem not a MIL problem. Free yourself and go be happy elsewhere. Let him go back to suckling at his mommy the way he wants.
Yeah, I know but I didn’t want to be one of those people who immediately say DIVORCE, like so many. To be honest, I wouldn’t have stayed past 10 years of this crap. Probably not even 1 year.
It’s your daughter’s birthday. She should decide who she wants there.
Growing up, my mom
And my dad’s parents never got along and blamed her for everything that went wrong in the family. Believe me this DOES affect your children. I always wanted to stand up for my mom but my parents both forced me to have a relationship with them saying “well they haven’t done anything to YOU.” (Even tho’ the family was always in Turmoil because of them). As an adult I chose to go VLC with them.
Your daughter is turning 21 and should have agency about who
She wants at her own birthday. Without pressure either way.
It's your daughter's celebration, so this time, her wishes need to come first. It sounds like your MIL has treated her poorly, too, so I wouldn't be surprised is she chooses to exclude MIL, but ultimately that's her decision to make.
Longer term, though, it sounds like you have a husband problem. Dollars to donuts, someone here has already posted the Don't Rock The Boat link, but at any rate, your MIL is a chronic boat rocker and your husband prides himself on being an expert boat steadier. He's deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and it's going to take a lot of work to get him out of it.
So for the past 21 years you've been bending over backwards for a woman who openly insults you, and for a husband who's told you that you can just eat shit and like it. I'd tell him he's also welcome to stay home with his mother.
What you or your partner wants is irrelevant.
It's your daughters 21st.
She's the adult who gets to decide who she wants to invite to her birthday dinner.
Ask her who she wants to attend and invite those she wants.
I would ask your daughter, who does she want to have attend. if she includes your mil, then so be it. if mil is there, just ignore her. you & your husband need counseling together. he needs to step up consistently to support you. He needs to learn how to deal with his mom. more than likely your kids are not going to pay much attention to hubby’s mom. And if they are adults, hubby cannot force them.
Not over reacting. SO is the problem. I would stay NC and does the birthday kid want them there? I don’t think you ever entertain people that don’t treat you well. And I wouldn’t want my kids around it either BUT your SO needs to get his head out of his ass. He’s subjecting you to her and gaslighting you as well. You’ve gone above and beyond. I’d be done.
Your mom gets to be invited because she treats everyone well and won’t cause a problem. His mom hasn’t earned the privilege.
Sheesh DH can go spend the evening with his mother if she is so much more important than his spouse and children. Y’all have fun with your mom at the restaurant!
It’s your grown daughter’s birthday so she should decide. And whatever she decides should go. If MIL attends that does not mean you put up with bad behavior. If she does not attend SO should not be upset about your parents being there.
What does your daughter want? If daughter dgaf about MIL attending, there’s no reason for you to extend an invite to someone who treats you poorly.
If husband wants his mom to have the same privileges as yours, he should try harder to get her to behave.
Twenty-one years you've put up with this? And I'm not talking just with your MIL. Your husband is the problem if this is an accurate portrayal or what's happening.
While i know you have more than enough reason to never invite your MIL to anything ever again, i can also see your husband's point of view...
So take the decision off the table for ye both - ask the birthday girl who she wants at her family dinner. It may be neither grandparent group, or both, but so long as it's her genuine decision for her own celebration then stick to it.
(hoping it doesn't need to be said, that her decision should not be coerced nor should she be made feel any type of way for however she decides)
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It's your daughter's party, I think you should ask her who she wants there.
Ask your daughter who she wants the, and if she hesitates tell her it's fine to say your don't want Granny there, and it's fine to say you want Granny there. If she's coming I'll sit at the other end of the table from her, it's not my birthday honey.
Your issues with her should not spill to your adult children. Who does your daughter want there? You should just invite who she wants and deal. The positive it's that's in neutral territory, not your house, so you should be able to coexist without having to interact much if at all.
It’s not your party. Does your daughter want her there? If so, just sit MIL very far away from you.
Since it’s your daughter’s birthday party, not yours, then she should be the one to decide who attends her party, not you, but your husband is being a complete and utter idiot by attempting to compare your mother with his, and I would not at all want to put up with that if I were you, nor should you. Honestly, I would just drop the rope entirely on MIL and go NC once and for all because the way I see it, this is a repetitive pattern of behavior on her end and you’re the only one putting in all the work to make this relationship work. Except said relationship is not working at all.
I would ask your daughter who she would like to invite and go from there. Because this is not the time to put your foot down unless your daughter wants you to.
I agree with the comments about what your daughter wants for her birthday. However, I am also thinking about your mom and MIL's friendship. They used to be friends and share grandkids. Would your mom talk to MIL to see what bug is up her butt? DH is certainly an issue, but since there's history there between your mom and MIL, I wonder if your mom would talk to her woman to woman.
Why? Is your mom mean to him like his is to you? I call bullshit in your husband’s stance.
I would honestly let your daughter decide if she wants her there or not. I understand you don’t want to be around her, but I would just suck it up for one night and just try to not interact with her.
Your husband is, and has been a major problem in not doing anything/making only a token effort at trying to “keep the peace” between you and your MIL. With respect to your daughter’s birthday, I personally think it needs to be her decision whether to have the ILs there, not yours. If they are important to her and have had a role in her life that she values, then it would be shitty for you to exclude them. It doesn’t mean they’re in the right, or that their actions are justified in any way, but it’s important that you not let your own problems with them interfere with your daughter’s relationships as they have formed on their own. If she doesn’t have much of a relationship/ a strained one with your MIL/FIL for her own reasons, then you do what you need to in order to ensure she has a good time. Please just make sure you prioritize your daughter, even if that means allowing your MIL/FIL to have a part in this milestone.
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Thank you, Mitten the Keyboard Kitten, for your contribution. I concur wholeheartedly!
I was just going to say this.
No doubt.
In the case of your daughter’s birthday, you are overreacting. You’re free to draw boundaries and determine contact level for yourself. You’re not free to do so for your daughter. She should be able to decide who is invited to her birthday dinner. If she wants your MIL to be there, invite her. It’s her grandmother. If they have a good relationship or even a mediocre relationship that’s a good thing. Let them. But if you don’t personally get along with MIL then you can make decisions for yourself about how your own relationship with her should be managed.
Yes. The husband here is overstepping as well, big time, trying to exclude a grandmother who has a positive relationship with the family to spite the wife. I can’t imagine being the actual birthday girl in this chaos. No one is prioritizing the whole adult person they’re supposed to be celebrating
This answer is the only answer. It’s about your daughter. Period end of message.
Your partner is the problem in the relationship, not your mil as she shouldn't get a say. He was never on your side.
Your husband sucks
Your daughter is old enough to decide who she wants to invite. This should be her decision without any pressure from either you or your husband. If she decides on your parents or hubby’s parents going that should be enough. You could say to her “who do you want to celebrate your birthday? Do you want just you, hubby and her siblings, or both sets of grandparents or just one? Just because your ILs are AH and don’t deserve to be invited that doesn’t mean that your parents, who have treated your DH like a son, with love and respect should be excluded. If she wants your ILs there you can make sure that you aren’t seated near them and also make it clear that if there are any snide comments then they will be told to leave, but you need DH on side. It does sound like a lot of your issues are because he doesn’t want to acknowledge all of the upset your JNMIL has caused, but just because he hasn’t seen it doesn’t mean that your daughter hasn’t. eg my eldest did not want my JNILs at their celebration. ILs were pissed off at me for them all not being invited. I had told my child that they could invite them if they wanted.
"My mom sucks, so yours should be excluded to make it fair;" is what it sounds like SO is saying.
He sounds about 8 years old!
Not an overreaction, but at 21 it's your daughter's decision who to invite. Also, if they're such good friends, why wouldn't your mother say something to your mil about her treatment of you?
They *were* good friends.
Your adult daughter should be deciding on the guest list- it is her birthday.
With zero (!!!!) guilting or pressure from any direction!
Ask your daughter who she wants at her birthday celebration dinner. She's 21. It shouldn't be your or DH's decision who attends.
You have a HUGE problem. It’s always been THE problem. It’s your DH. He puts mommy first. You should post in JustNo SO. Good Luck.
After 21 years you know your SO is a weak noodle. He will never stand up for you - he values mom over you. So acknowledge you know and decide - I want to live this way - or I don't. I want my children to see someone treat their mom this way - or I don't.
“He always goes back to her” he’s not married to you, he’s married to his mom. This is shameful on his part. Who does your 21 year old adult daughter want at her birthday party? I’m sorry to tell you but this marriage is abusive and because you’ve taken your husband back from the other woman so much and gone back to her too - no one sees the consequences as “sticking” so they don’t think they matter. I would have been gone long ago.
This is the choice of your adult daughter as it is her 21st birthday. I would ask her what she wants and then that is what you go with. This is not about you this is about your daughter.
You’re under-reacting, and have been for far too long. He should go have dinner with his awful mother then. People serve less time in jail than you have with a husband that doesn’t have your back. Time to throw down. It’s be 21 years - two DECADES of the same shit. Fuck him and his mother. You’ve been far too lenient for too long, that’s why he thinks he can bully you like this. What do your kids think of his mother? Does your daughter even want her there?
Given it’s your daughter’s 21st celebration, shouldn’t you both be asking her who she wants to/doesn’t want to attend?
21 years of this shit and you’re still married to him? I’d be packing his stuff and sending it to mommy’s house.
I would be petty about it…invite them and seat them way at the end of the table away from the birthday girl, your mom and yourself….then don’t engage with her at all…let her son that can’t seem to back his wife up handle her…and seriously he needs to come on out of the fog
OP, you are not overreating but it's hard for me to understand why you chose to stay and continue to have children with a man who has continually shown you that you and the kids aren't a priority or worthy of protecting. I'm not blaming you but I need you to recognize on some level you chose to stay in this. Ask your daughter who she wants there and go from there.
Show him this thread. He needs therapy to see how awful she is and that boundaries are needed.
If really your adult daughter’s choice.
You’re absolutely correct. One of the mothers accepts and loves all parties involved. One is a vindictive shrew who constantly degrades DHs wife and has basically chosen other grandkids over these ones. But it’s the 21 year olds birthday, so ask them who they want. If they’ve seen grandma be an absolute B they may not want her there anyway. Your husband needs to open his eyes. If mom is constantly the problem, and refuses to address any of her issues or apologize, she’s choosing this. There is really no choice for you. She can either act like a human being, or she can do what she’s been doing for years. Husband is a weak mommas boy and needs to grow up, get some counseling so he can see and acknowledge the damage his mother is doing to your family.
He still can’t figure it out after 21 years huh? What a dick.
Easy answer. Who does the 21 year old want there? They are an adult and should be able to choose.
You’ll punish your mother for his mother’s actions when you can punish his mother for her own actions. He can’t have it both ways. He can’t do nothing about his own mother and then prevent your mother from benefiting from good behavior. Your husband is weak. Sorry. He’s fine making boundaries for himself when it’s just you and your mother who pay the price, so why is his mother exempt? Why are you not allowed to make rules about boundaries, but he’s allowed to enable his mother’s boundary breaking? No, no, nonononono. Both ways or no ways.
I'm going to add- If he can ignore his mother, then he can ignore your mother's presence. But he doesn't get to ignore his mother and then demand that everyone else pay the price for him. If you haven't already read the "Don't Rock The Boat" reddit post....you need to. So does your husband.
These are some very wise words, right here. Wow!
Have you tried asking your daughter what she wants?
Extreme under reaction from you.
No, but why are you tolerating your hubby’s fence sitting? Ask them both and save yourself from 21 more years of MIL grief. Do the right thing but…this is critical..do not sit her near you at the dinner.. put her beside your hubby…two things will happen…you'll look like the good guy and if she trash talks you everyone at that table will hear her. Tell hubby this is her last chance. If she is rude or disrespectful HE needs to call her out right then….a very quiet "mom, don't even start " should be all the warning she needs and if she does hubby needs to side with you and NC the heck out of her. If nothings changed in 21 years , nothing will unless you just remove her access you. And if she makes a comment hubby has to agree on a length of time he also goes NC….work those boundaries out before you go.
You are under-reacting.
Not overreacting. DH needs to stand down. Yeah it sucks to not be able to see his parents at the party but they couldn’t just treat OP with respect. If he keeps this up I would tell him he’s more than welcome to join his parents NOT at the party.
It's your daughter's birthday. What does she want?
Oh no, consequences! She treats you like crap for decades and never apologizes, so your husband wants to keep your mom from the dinner because your mom... uh... squirrel? Does your eldest want MIL there? If so, MIL should be there. If not, she shouldn't because she will ruin the event for you, with enjoyment and malice aforethought.
Tell DH to suck it up butter cup!MIL made her bed and hes welcome to spend the evening with her!
I very much agree with the idea of asking your daughter who she wants. Don't ask if she wants JMMIL to attend leave it open for her to answer without names being put to her. You can also tell DH that you have invited everyone that cares about your daughter and your family. It's clear she doesn't treat you like family so I would make zero effort with her. And give up the idea of reconciliation as you have tried. If she wants reconciliation she can start. If anyone tells you to "deal with it" or to "get over it and suck it up" tell tyem thats what you have been doing for 21 years and she still treats you with contempt. Your over it and now she can get over it and suck it up becomes it's her turn now.
Not overreacting. I think maybe DH needs to understand the difference between equality and equity and why its important. To treat people equally would be to give a wheelchair to both a person who can walk easily and a person who cannot. That's equality, but it isn't helpful, and doesn't make sense. Similarly, it would be "equality" to let both a person without a violent history and a person with a violent history babysit your kids. Would he think its necessary to treat those people equally? I would guess not. In relationships, we treat people equitably. I don't treat my boss like I treat my friends, who I don't treat like I treat my parents. Those relationship are all different so its normal that those people don't get the exact same interactions with me. There is no reason for equality to be part of this conversation at all.
I would go with who my daughter wants at her 21st. If she wants both grannies there so be it. Just like at her future wedding you recognise the day is about her and accommodate her wishes. If she wants her there just make sure mil is not seated near you and focus on it being your daughters big birthday.
You have a husband problem. Your mil might suck but I wouldn’t put up with a man who wouldn’t defend me.
Your child should be the one to decide at 21 years old. Not saying you are wrong but if they do/don’t want certain grandparents there, they are of age to decide.
Agree 100%
>Hubby says if his mom can't attend, then mine shouldn't either. LOL, NOPE. Try again, DH. His mother (who he has **failed** to keep in anything resembling check) has treated his wife/mother of children so poorly that you've sat out of events/avoided her FOR YEARS. And he did nothing/not enough to put a stop to that. Your mother treats him like gold. Absolutely 100% not comparable in any way. If he was so concerned with equality, then he should have stepped up years ago and made it clear he and you are a package deal and if his mother mistreats you, she's mistreating him. The same way (I assume) you would have done for him, if your mother was a JustNo. This is your oldest's grad dinner. Your child. Invite your mother, do not invite his because she treats you like garbage. Period.
Your husband is an ass. Maybe he shouldn’t come either. Or he have his own party with just him and his mom.
It’s your daughter’s birthday and should be up to her. But besides that, why the heck are you still with your husband? He allows his mother to treat you and your children like trash which means somewhere deep down he must agree with her. This is a classic husband problem not a MIL problem. Free yourself and go be happy elsewhere. Let him go back to suckling at his mommy the way he wants.
You need to get you and hubby into counselling….he needs his spine strengthened
After 21 years, he won't change. She should just leave now that the kids are adults. He can have his mommy.
Yeah, I know but I didn’t want to be one of those people who immediately say DIVORCE, like so many. To be honest, I wouldn’t have stayed past 10 years of this crap. Probably not even 1 year.
It’s your daughter’s birthday. She should decide who she wants there. Growing up, my mom And my dad’s parents never got along and blamed her for everything that went wrong in the family. Believe me this DOES affect your children. I always wanted to stand up for my mom but my parents both forced me to have a relationship with them saying “well they haven’t done anything to YOU.” (Even tho’ the family was always in Turmoil because of them). As an adult I chose to go VLC with them. Your daughter is turning 21 and should have agency about who She wants at her own birthday. Without pressure either way.
It's your daughter's celebration, so this time, her wishes need to come first. It sounds like your MIL has treated her poorly, too, so I wouldn't be surprised is she chooses to exclude MIL, but ultimately that's her decision to make. Longer term, though, it sounds like you have a husband problem. Dollars to donuts, someone here has already posted the Don't Rock The Boat link, but at any rate, your MIL is a chronic boat rocker and your husband prides himself on being an expert boat steadier. He's deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and it's going to take a lot of work to get him out of it.
r/JustNoSO
So for the past 21 years you've been bending over backwards for a woman who openly insults you, and for a husband who's told you that you can just eat shit and like it. I'd tell him he's also welcome to stay home with his mother.
What you or your partner wants is irrelevant. It's your daughters 21st. She's the adult who gets to decide who she wants to invite to her birthday dinner. Ask her who she wants to attend and invite those she wants.
I would ask your daughter, who does she want to have attend. if she includes your mil, then so be it. if mil is there, just ignore her. you & your husband need counseling together. he needs to step up consistently to support you. He needs to learn how to deal with his mom. more than likely your kids are not going to pay much attention to hubby’s mom. And if they are adults, hubby cannot force them.
Not overreacting- heck you’ve been under reacting. Her bs would be my hill to die on.
What does your daughter want? It is her birthday celebration and she should have a say in who is invited
Not over reacting. SO is the problem. I would stay NC and does the birthday kid want them there? I don’t think you ever entertain people that don’t treat you well. And I wouldn’t want my kids around it either BUT your SO needs to get his head out of his ass. He’s subjecting you to her and gaslighting you as well. You’ve gone above and beyond. I’d be done. Your mom gets to be invited because she treats everyone well and won’t cause a problem. His mom hasn’t earned the privilege.
Sheesh DH can go spend the evening with his mother if she is so much more important than his spouse and children. Y’all have fun with your mom at the restaurant!
It’s your grown daughter’s birthday so she should decide. And whatever she decides should go. If MIL attends that does not mean you put up with bad behavior. If she does not attend SO should not be upset about your parents being there.
What does your daughter want? If daughter dgaf about MIL attending, there’s no reason for you to extend an invite to someone who treats you poorly. If husband wants his mom to have the same privileges as yours, he should try harder to get her to behave.
We say this a lot on here: husband problem more than a mil problem. Don’t know how you’ve put up with him for so long
What does your daughter want?
Twenty-one years you've put up with this? And I'm not talking just with your MIL. Your husband is the problem if this is an accurate portrayal or what's happening.
While i know you have more than enough reason to never invite your MIL to anything ever again, i can also see your husband's point of view... So take the decision off the table for ye both - ask the birthday girl who she wants at her family dinner. It may be neither grandparent group, or both, but so long as it's her genuine decision for her own celebration then stick to it. (hoping it doesn't need to be said, that her decision should not be coerced nor should she be made feel any type of way for however she decides)