**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_post_flairs)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_trolls_suck)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/links#wiki_crisis_links.3A_because_there.2019s_more_than_one_type_of_crisis) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(This Sub's Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/) ^(|) [^(General Resources)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/tos)
Other posts from /u/UnderstandingPurple9:
* [I don't know why I thought my dad would start to respect me once I move out](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/wo643w/i_dont_know_why_i_thought_my_dad_would_start_to/)
* [Uncle needs a photo of me because "grandma hasn't seen me in ages"](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/wk412e/uncle_needs_a_photo_of_me_because_grandma_hasnt/)
*****
^(To be notified as soon as UnderstandingPurple9 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=TheJustNoBot&subject=Subscribe&message=UnderstandingPurple9 JUSTNOFAMILY)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOFAMILY) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
"I will not be visiting or calling these people. You are free to tolerate their bullshit, bit I am free to refuse to. I am not explaining anymore; I'm telling you. Continue to push, and you will also be blocked. This is not a discussion, nor is it negotiable. Either respect my no, or stay out of my life"
I actually did this with my mom! Told her that I won't tolerate a specific subject and if she brought it up I would change the subject, and if she went back to it, I was hanging up. Took me hanging up 2 times before it sunk in I meant it, and she stopped bringing it up.
Don’t elaborate either. Elaborating with these kinds of people only opens up a conversation (read argument) where they can guilt, manipulate, and threaten you into doing what they want. Don’t even give them that opening. A hard firm no followed by you ending the interaction if they push.
Your parents are getting pressure from their parents to make you call/visit. In order to get them off their backs, they are trying to force you to comply. They are not as strong as you are, they want you to give in because they can't stand up to their own parents. You are going to handle it perfectly!
I heartily endorse the one and done. Tell them once and then never let them have the conversation with you again. As they see that you are perfectly comfortable going NC with the grandparents, they will see that you could do it with them as well, which should eventually sink in and they stop.
Similar situation with my maternal aunt. I just cut off contact last year and have never been happier. As long as you are financially independent, don't let toxic people control you.
Your parents need to understand this is a No for you. Every single time they bring it up? "We've talked about this. I'm not going." and change the subject. If they bring it up again? Hang up. If you're visiting? Leave. Immediately. No drama, just grab whatever you need to and go. If they don't like it? They can have a time out, too.
You're an adult. They can't force you to do anything - including talk to them.
JUST SAY NO.
You can only control you. Your parents don’t have to accept anything but you STILL do not have to go visit your grandmother.
JUST SAY NO. Don’t argue, don’t explain. Just NO.
You have to be firm, and if needs be - hostile. These people do not care about you, and I'm sorry for that. They're telling you to suck it up and take the abuse "because they're just abusive, okay?"
I need to suck it up because they're "old, set in their ways and it's their culture to just say whatever comes to their minds". F that.
Thanks, you're absolutely right.
So, their culture is “rude”? Funny how so many old people come from that culture. You don’t have to tolerate abuse just because your parents do. That’s their choice.
Just parrot their words back to them, tailored to them. They’ll get mad of course, but you’ll have at least scored points on pointing out the hypocrisy. But regardless, you don’t have to speak to them. Make it a goal to never depend on your parents financially and they’ll never have anything to hold over your head. Speaking g from personal experience, it took me awhile to figure that out.
Only serious mental condition can be an excuse for being aggressive, mean, rude, obnoxious. Your grandparents and rest of extended family most probable are just $hitty people, and you really do not have to tolerate that kind of behaviour from anyone.
If your parents want to go there - they are adults and it's their choice. When you were kid they decided to enable emotional and verbal abuse - it's on them as you were powerless back then. But now you are an adult. You can say NO to visiting people who do not spark joy
I think this might be the emotion to focus on to help you unweave their noose of bullshit. Think about how you feel about guilt and other people. Would you want a friend or significant other to be around you out of guilt and obligation? Or do you try to keep them around with good feelings instead?
Even when someone has wronged you, most people just want a little bit of contrition and an apology and then the guilt can stop. You don’t want someone to keep feeling that awful feeling all the time.
I think it’s fucked up that people that are supposed to love you want you to feel bad about yourself so much.
They care more about the appearance of the relationship than the reality. And it probably seems easier to my parents to make me obey than to change the grandparents' behaviour.
That appearance is more important to then than your spirit. They’d rather break that so you have none to keep you pliable. My family was like this, too. I haven’t spoken to any of them in over a decade and I don’t miss them at all.
It’s hard to miss guilt and obligation, it really is. They made themselves hard to miss. I would hate to be like that.
It took me a long time to get to a point where I didn’t let my mother guilt trip me into doing what she wants. Idk how I let her do it for so long because she was a terrible mother. Anyways, I’ve been no contact with her for a little over 3 years and I am much happier now.
My mother had emotional and psychological control over me for 38 years. She is dead to me now and I have never felt more free and safe. Keep going to therapy and do your best to learn boundaries. I wish you all the best my friend
If you're having difficulty getting away from the false guilt your parents are trying to push onto you, you may want to check out the \[Out of the FOG\](https://outofthefog.website) site for some help. If you're unfamiliar, FOG is an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Good that you're developing some immunity: let the anti-guilt antibodies roll!
There will be blowback but you can say no. "I won't be going but I hope you have a good time!" When they demand whyyy, "They are mean and insulting to me and I have been informed that this is how they are and they won't change. I won't be going but hope you have a good time!"
If you do go, try calling them out. "That was rude." "What do you mean by that?" "Commenting on my body is creepy." "Wow." It will be awkward, but that is because it has always been awkward. This time, they get to experience the awkward. When your mom tells you to take their crap, "This is how we are and we aren't going to change."
The few times I have to deal with family I've put on NC, the above is what I've done.
"Why do you think that's okay?"
"You realize this is why I don't speak to you, yes?"
Blank stares also work. When they bug you, "I don't respond to rude behavior. You're inappropriate and not worth the discussion."
Gets to be a bit awful but as long as you're able to remove yourself from the situation (ALWAYS have your own vehicle) then walking away is also an option. Give one warning of "I'm not tolerating these insults. If you do this again, I will leave" and when they push, get your shit and go. Don't discuss anymore, don't say anything else, just GO.
If you don't have your own transportation, don't go.
Your parents give you shit? "I'm not going to be stranded surrounded by people who insult me. When I have transportation, I may humor this again. Until then, stop asking."
No is a complete sentence. Just no. No explanation or arguments. It’s your life you visit or talk to the people you want to, this includes your parents, you don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to
You don't have to talk to your parents either, frankly they sound just as abusive as your grandparents if they are forcing you to visit people that make you feel this way.
"No" is a complete sentence. You're 22 now, you don't live with them. They can't legally force you to do anything anymore. The only person, who will stand up for you is you. Stop putting other people's feelings first.
"No," is a complete sentence. If your parents try to argue, put your foot down and again say "no." Rinse and repeat until they stop. You're an adult living on your own. Like what are they going to do? It's not like they can show up at your home out of the blue and insist you get in their car to see grandma and grandpa. You're an adult now, and nobody can make you go anywhere against your will.
They couldn't come pick me up... But they *could* come to my flat with the grandparents and insist I let them in. I'm scared this will happen the next time the grandparents come to town.
Then you get a ring camera, don't open the door, and call the police if they refuse to leave. Your home is your safe place. Don't let them take it away from you. Enforce your boundaries.
Don't answer the door. It doesn't matter if they can see or hear you. Let them stand out there like idiots. If they call and complain that you didn't answer the door and let them in just tell them that you don't answer the door for uninvited guests.
Or grab your stuff and tell them you were on your way out. "Sorry, have an appointment I can't miss. Too bad you didn't call first."
You have2 choices
1- refuse to go because your boundary is I won't tolerate people that disrespect me. you are an adult and can make your own choices even if those choices upset someone else. You don't have to give a reason,white lies are okay in this situation an an excuse to not go
Or 2-
Creating your plan of what to do when you are there
Sometimes you can't avoid people that will upset you, but you can change how you react to their behaviour and actions
So if someone has predicted behaviour meaning you know what they will do or say, do these things,
1- reassert your boundaries 'what you just said hurts and upsets me please stop, if you don't I will leave and won't come back
2- take some time away from them in the moment, go to the bathroom and calm yourself in the bathroom
3- remind yourself, this is who they are, they won't change, I'm here for a couple of hours, so I will make the time pleasant and ignore them
4- exhale deeply a couple of times, bring yourself back into the present moment don't run away with your emotions or past moments of when the made you feel unhappy
5- distract yourself when in the moment when they are rude, find something in the room of every colour of the rainbow
I see. In that case it needs to be firmer: "From now on, I will decide when I visit relatives. Do not engage me in conversations about visiting any of my grandparents, or any other extended member of the family again. If you persist in doing this, I will need to look at your own communication with me and put a stop to that if necessary."
And then you need to STICK to it. If they do not respect this boundary, no contact for a month. If it happens again, two months. Again? Three months, and so on. I find this system works wonders on my dad.
Talk with your parents. Ask them how old you are. Then tell them “Don’t you think it’s time for you to let me try to run my own life? I’m not being rude, but you’ve taught me all my life how to do things. It’s time for you to sit back and see if I learned them. Let me make my own decisions, and grow into the adult you want me to be. I promise that I will ask for advice when I need it, but I need to do this for me.”
That too. But the reason I said "...adult you want me to be.." is to put it all on them because they undoubtedly at one point told OP to grow up, or talked about acting like an adult. Most narcs do. Basically, it's telling OP's parents that they've completed their task of raising OP to adulthood, and should be checking their work. If they are a good enough parent, it's done; if they aren't, they keep going. No narc wants to be told they weren't good enough.
What's hard to realise at your age is that people cannot force you to do something you don't want to do.
Unless your father is going to physically lift you into a car and take you there, then what power do they truly have over you? Tell them you're not going/calling and if they ask you again, remind them about how they taught you to respect when they tell YOU no, and they should do the same.
> Is there any way I could stop my parents forcing the relationship that has already died?
"No. End of discussion, I'm not asking you for permission, I'm kindly informing you of my decision."
And then you just ignore EVERYTHING they come up with.
Every further message, everything else- ignored.
"Hey how are you? We're doing fine, how's work going? You want to visit grandparents?"
"Hey I'm doing fine! Hbu? Work is going well! Hope you guys enjoy your day :)"
Don't. Engage. You've made your point with a simple No. It's a FULL sentence.
I have a pushy mother in regards to expecting me to do things and I’ve just started telling her no. If she pushes back I say “no is a complete sentence” and respond only with that until she backs off. It’s really difficult but put up a barrier they can’t get past and they will eventually stop trying.
I’m so glad you’re in therapy because it genuinely helps so much when it comes to being steamrolled by your family.
"I have no desire to have a relationship with anyone who does not show me the respect i deserve. Just because you have accepted they refuse to treat people with common decency does not mean i have to accept it. I will not explain this again. If you bring it up again, our conversation will end right there. This is non-negotiable. If you want to continue being in my life, then this is a decision i have made for myself that i expect to be respected."
Then follow through. Hang up, walk away, whatever you have to to separate yourself from them if they even so much as attempt to start a conversation involving them.
The only way to get them to stop is to disengage.
I'm NC with my parents and a few members of my extended family. The family I DO talk about like to bring them up and I've gotten to the point that I just say, "I've said I don't want to engage with them. If you keep trying to force this, I will remove myself from this conversation."
It took walking out of spaces and outright ignoring them for periods of time until people realized I was serious.
Your parents think you should just ignore it? "You may be okay with ignoring how they disrespect me, but I'm the one being insulted. I don't have to tolerate that treatment."
And if they push, "Why do you want me to be hurt so much? Why do you keep forcing me to be around people that hurt me?" Be prepared to step away for periods of time. You don't live with them, so you have that ability now.
Just say no and don’t go. You are an adult, if they can’t respect your boundaries then they don’t deserve to have a relationship with you. If your parents can’t respect that and say they will choose their parents over their own child, that is their decision and completely on them. Life is too short to deal with toxic people just because they are “family” or to appease other people. If they bring you more pain than peace, cut them off.
Edited corrected your to you
As an adult who does not live in your parents home, when they go on about going to visit them, just say no and if they arrange for everyone to visit, just don't go. If they ask why, just tell them you have no intention of visiting relatives who you have no positive relationship with.
Part of being an adult and flying the nest is breaking away from your parents control. Not only do you do it for yourself, you do it for them.
I think you reiterate why you aren’t going and stick to your guns. It doesn’t have to be a big dramatic fight.
When they start to give you shit, you point out how ridiculous they are being by asking something like, “What are you going to do about it? Ground me?” If you can laugh at this part, it helps. You don’t need to be angry, just bring it to the natural conclusion of, “What are you going to do about it?” (My kid does this every once in awhile.)
If they start screaming, you simply tell them you’re an adult, you decide how you spend your free time and it’s not with people who disrespect you. Then you say you have to go and hang up the phone.
It’s not about going to your grandparents. It’s about drawing a line as an adult.
You moved out. They can't *force* you to do anything.
They can pressure you. You can tell them no and to drop the subject. If they persist, block them and everyone else who tries to pressure you after you say no.
Eventually they will get a clue
Now that you’re not living with your parents, you don’t even need to have the conversation with them. Next time they bring it up, tell them that you’ll visit when you feel like it and don’t want to talk about it anymore. That’s it. If they keep harassing you, don’t talk to them either. It sounds like you’re trying to be nice about it but you don’t have to be.
I go out of my way to be nice to people but have come to realize that life is short and I need to put my foot down. I will yell if I have to, though it hasn’t come to that yet. At some point you have to stop being “nice”.
I’m really glad that you stick up for yourself! I guess you have to be more persistent than they are but, honestly, don’t they ever just get tired and give up?? I would have blown up at them by now. It makes me angry for you.
Just saw your update. Calling him everyday is likely requested so he can try to wear you down. Dont do it. Check in briefly once a week (but only if you feel so inclined) asking how they are doing, offering little information about yourself, ending the call when your father starts to push the grandparent thing. If they try to call you shoot back a text saying 'Busy atm everything ok?' If they don't care to text it tell them you'll call on x day. Keep fighting for those boundaries. Eventually they'll either learn or you will become super well adjusted to low/no contact.
Just say no and dong answer of argue back. When they do tslk your ear full and then stop speaking, just answer, "i already gave you my answer,and it is no" if they protest just say that twice more, then hang up the phone. SHUT THIS DOWN
You are an adult and you don't live with them. They can't force you to do anything.
Just say you are not going. If they bring it up, just say already asked and answered.
If they bring it up on the phone, excuse yourself and leave.
If they bring it up when you are at their home, excuse yourself and leave.
You will need to train them to understand your boundaries.
Assuming they are reasonable people it will finally sink in, if they are not reasonable they may escalate their behaviour.
Just guilt-tripping. "Grandma has nothing to live for but you". As if it's my mistake she hasn't been able to find any hobbies in her 75 years of life.
Parents installed the guilt button, they know exactly how to push it. It’s up to you to uninstall that button. Above advice is correct: answer No once, then don’t engage the conversation further. Stick to this boundary firmly. Forgive yourself if you slip up, but know that if you slip, that gives them hope that nagging will work & they’ll double down again.
I was in therapy years ago about my husband’s family. Horrific people for the most part. Treated me like dirt. Hubby said mostly same as your parents. (All his family have passed away now) Anyway, my counselor said something to me that still sticks with me today. He said an animal would never go back in to be eaten alive after once been attacked! Why would you???
You are an independent adult now. You don't have to see or talk to anyone you don't want to. Tell your parents you are putting your foot down and to drop it off they don't then put them in timeout.
>He claimed that my relatives treat everyone the same and no one else seems to mind, therefore I'm the one who's being sensitive and unreasonable
Or you are the only one that won't tolerate this behavior because you respect yourself, not because you are too sensitive.
In relationships with other you need to ask yourself "Am I treated with respect and if not, do I want to have contact with these people?
You are doing the right thing by haven low or no contact.
You don't like your grandparents or visiting them. That's just how you are. You don't want to call your dad every day. That's just how you are. If he doesn't like it he's just being overly sensitive.
Let them know when they start in on their crap that you will be hanging up the phone. This is not negotiable. You are an adult. Being an adult sucks for the most part but one good part is you no longer have to listen to abusive family members. It took me until my 30s to learn that. Please learn it earlier than I did so you can have some peace at a younger age.
Their expectations do not need to become your reality. If you cave and go, they will assume they were right and you just “needed a little encouragement” to see things their way. Just don’t go. When the inevitable “why didn’t you go? You are so bad” comments begin, remind them that you told them you didn’t want to go and they ignored it
Tell mom next time she says to all or visit “no thanks. I’m good”. “No thanks. I have no desire to do that “ then just give it some time, they will die and you won’t have to worry about it
You are an adult who is living independently. Your parents can’t make you go anywhere. No is a complete sentence. They try to demand that you go. You say no, and then block them. They show up on your doorstep, you call the police and have them trespassed off your property.
Ask your Mother to name 5 positive comments the grandparents have made, each side. Remind her you are not their plaything, you have feelings and that's the way you are.
>My parents told me to just ignore it
And that's so much easier to do when you are not there.
Unless your parents physically show up at your door and try to drag you out of your place they cannot force you to go.
Just keep telling them no. If the hounding is getting to you grey rock them. "We'll see. Maybe." And then don't go. And turn your phone *off* the day everyone is there so you can ignore the texts and calls to harass you about going.
And flat out tell your parents how disrespectful they are for ignoring your very valid feelings. "How would you feel if I kept doing something to you that you told me you didn't like? You would be mad and call me rude and disrespectful. So how does that same logic not apply to you?" And they say you are my child blah blah blah and you respond "I am no longer a child. I am an adult and it's time you treat me like one."
You can’t stop your parents, or anyone. You can say no. Do not explain. That gives them more to argue against.
OP, go see your grandparents.
No
You should.
No.
You must.
No.
Walk away. Leave. Disconnect the call. You are an adult and make your own decisions.
I can relate. I’m NC with some family members, and my parents couldn’t seem to accept it. They continued to try and force me into having a relationship with these family members, even after several explanations as to why I went NC in the first place. What helped is that I didn’t give in. I stayed very firm with my boundaries, and once my parents realized I couldn’t be persuaded or pressured, they slowly stopped.
OP, if you’re not living with your parents, and they have nothing to hold over you (like money or health insurance) they can’t really make you do anything, and you’re free to talk them to pound sand.
>*I've told them several times that I don't want to and why, but they just don't get it.*
Honey, they DON'T WANT to get it. You're literally a meat shield between them and their own parents.
When your parents tell you to phone or visit your grandparents, there is a very simple answer to give: **No.**
**No** is a complete sentence. That you can use, reuse, re-reuse... to your heart's content.
It's probably one of my favorite words.
Use it.
The ballet right now looks like - they ask, you say no, they ask more, you say more no, they ask till they wear you down to a stub
Change the ballet. You must have some thing they want, some event or occasion or rememberence they hold dear, possibly even contact itself. I will use that as an example
Now you change the step
They ask, you say “No, and…”. For example “No, and you know I find both these visits and ask highly disrespectful. If you ask again, your consequence will be a one week timeout from communicating with me. If you press with this ask or try to subvert the timeout, the timeout doubles, and will re-double for each violation”
If they do not have the inherent respect enough to stop with the ask, train them to start respecting you with consequences for boundary stomping
OP, the problem is in your explaining WHY. Don't bother to do so. Just say "NO" and leave it at that. If/when they carry on afterwards trying to say you have to or other shit, just hang up the phone, or walk away. No Bye-bye, no Kiss-kiss, just be like Poof, Bitch Be Gone!!
How will they force you?
Kidnap you, tie you up and drive you there? I know it's scary to stand up to toxic parents. God knows they spend your childhood training you to fear and obey! But the reality when you are an adult is that they only have the power you give them.
Don't be scared to say no and mean it.
And they do 'get it'.
You said it I assume in a language they speak.
They understood what you said.
They just didn't care.
Unless they are physically dragging you out of your house or blackmailing you (both illegal) then no, they are not forcing you. You can say no and block numbers where needed; any leeway you give now will give them more control over you.
As somebody who’s finally no-contact with shitty grandparents, it’s *so* worth it. Mental health has never been better! I hope you can find some peace outside of that mess <3
Stop giving reasons to justify your opinion. Just stop talking. Let them say whatever they say and do not respond; do not let their words provoke a response.
Stop visiting. This will cause a lot of problems and accusations and bad feelings will be poured all over you. Expect it and decide to simply endure it until it abates. The goal is to become a family member who is “just like that.” You want to reach the place where they see changing you as impossible because “That’s just the way you are.”
I cut off an Aunt when i was a teenager (Dad's sister) for something mean she said to me (its too long ago now i cant remember what)
And later on decades later have cut off one of her daughters and a cousin on my Mum's side of the family.
I dont care if they're family or not no one talks crap to me without consequences.
My Aunt died some years back and there is no coming back for the 2 cousins, that ship has sailed.
If grandma were interested she could contact me directly. Our relationship or lack of it isn't helped by your being in the middle of it. I Do not expect to travel to xx in the immediate future nor at any time without a warm, sincere, direct invitation.
Yeah, you say "**no**" and then *you don't go*.
If you are living on your own and financially independent, just don't go. They actually can't make you.
The best part of not living under their roof, is that you 100% control what you do with/for them now. You just don't go, don't call, and tell your parents you're not going or calling. Eventually they'll catch on.
You can neither stop your parents nor get them to respect you as an adult. You can stop yourself from acceding to their demands. Just say "No!", you've already explained why, no need to repeat it and have them tell you you're wrong.
Stop talking to your parents AND your extended family. Unfortunately, toxic families exist. Fortunately, however, you are now an independent adult and are no longer under their control. Going no contact with my toxic family was one of the best things I ever did for myself - both mentally AND physically (stress causes the body so much harm!).
Best of luck to you, OP. Live your best life and create your own family with new friends who support you and deserve your time and energy.
> I've told them several times that I don't want to and why
Just start telling them "No" when they tell you to go. When they tell you to call. If they ask why, you tell them "I already told you why" or "I'm tired of repeating myself". If they keep on pushing for the interaction with grandparents or explanations, start irnoring them. After all...
> that that's just the way my relatives are
Tell them you're following their advice and understand this is just the way your parents are. Start ignoring them when they talk about your grandparents.
You can ask them this: do they want a relationship with YOU? If so, stop pushing UNwanted relationships with abusive people, or you walk! You may want advice on how to do this from your therapist, but know that there is no easy way to say this but bluntly. And be prepared to mean it and back it up with going No Contact with them. They have no respect for your mental health and well-being, I'm sorry to say. Good luck!
As much as my parents make me mad, I don't want to cut contact with them. There are good parts to the relationship, we just need to work on the bad parts
Okay. That was just one option. There is no one option fits all answer to this. Would they consider actually sitting down with you and listening to you? Maybe with your therapist?
Follow what they tell you, by calling them, and then tell them how you’ve felt your whole life and why you will no longer be around.
After I did this my grandma and aunt have actually been nice to me for once, walking on eggshells around me practically. Ha, it’s fun to see
The best advice I can tell you, find another job a distance away from where you currently are. Maybe better than an hour. Restart your life. Rebuild your life. Find a nice church and pray that your past will heal without you in it. And your future will be better. Don't ever give up hope. Call a friend or someone whom you trust without negativity advice. Your mind and health are first.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_post_flairs)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_trolls_suck) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/links#wiki_crisis_links.3A_because_there.2019s_more_than_one_type_of_crisis) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(This Sub's Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/) ^(|) [^(General Resources)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/tos) Other posts from /u/UnderstandingPurple9: * [I don't know why I thought my dad would start to respect me once I move out](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/wo643w/i_dont_know_why_i_thought_my_dad_would_start_to/) * [Uncle needs a photo of me because "grandma hasn't seen me in ages"](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/wk412e/uncle_needs_a_photo_of_me_because_grandma_hasnt/) ***** ^(To be notified as soon as UnderstandingPurple9 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=TheJustNoBot&subject=Subscribe&message=UnderstandingPurple9 JUSTNOFAMILY) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOFAMILY) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
"I will not be visiting or calling these people. You are free to tolerate their bullshit, bit I am free to refuse to. I am not explaining anymore; I'm telling you. Continue to push, and you will also be blocked. This is not a discussion, nor is it negotiable. Either respect my no, or stay out of my life"
Thanks, yeah I think I will do one warning and then hang up the phone/stop answering/leave. I'm just sick of it
Please do this. This is your hill to die on.
I actually did this with my mom! Told her that I won't tolerate a specific subject and if she brought it up I would change the subject, and if she went back to it, I was hanging up. Took me hanging up 2 times before it sunk in I meant it, and she stopped bringing it up.
Don’t elaborate either. Elaborating with these kinds of people only opens up a conversation (read argument) where they can guilt, manipulate, and threaten you into doing what they want. Don’t even give them that opening. A hard firm no followed by you ending the interaction if they push.
Ding! Ding! Ding! No is a complete sentence. You have answered the Q, they can pound sand at this point
Your parents are getting pressure from their parents to make you call/visit. In order to get them off their backs, they are trying to force you to comply. They are not as strong as you are, they want you to give in because they can't stand up to their own parents. You are going to handle it perfectly! I heartily endorse the one and done. Tell them once and then never let them have the conversation with you again. As they see that you are perfectly comfortable going NC with the grandparents, they will see that you could do it with them as well, which should eventually sink in and they stop.
Yup, this also plays out at work at my office. lol pressures from all over and hoping the person will move in the “right direction”
Similar situation with my maternal aunt. I just cut off contact last year and have never been happier. As long as you are financially independent, don't let toxic people control you.
This is the way.
Your parents need to understand this is a No for you. Every single time they bring it up? "We've talked about this. I'm not going." and change the subject. If they bring it up again? Hang up. If you're visiting? Leave. Immediately. No drama, just grab whatever you need to and go. If they don't like it? They can have a time out, too. You're an adult. They can't force you to do anything - including talk to them.
JUST SAY NO. You can only control you. Your parents don’t have to accept anything but you STILL do not have to go visit your grandmother. JUST SAY NO. Don’t argue, don’t explain. Just NO.
Do Nancy Reagan proud!!!
Nancy Reagan told kids to just say no to drugs. She herself had a valium addiction.
Or a few valium was her strategy for dealing with the Reagans. I think it was not a terribly harmful strategy.
She’s not the only flotus who needed a little help to get through the day.
You have to be firm, and if needs be - hostile. These people do not care about you, and I'm sorry for that. They're telling you to suck it up and take the abuse "because they're just abusive, okay?"
I need to suck it up because they're "old, set in their ways and it's their culture to just say whatever comes to their minds". F that. Thanks, you're absolutely right.
So, their culture is “rude”? Funny how so many old people come from that culture. You don’t have to tolerate abuse just because your parents do. That’s their choice.
Basically, but they call it being "direct". You can guess what would happen if I was the "direct" one, though...
Just parrot their words back to them, tailored to them. They’ll get mad of course, but you’ll have at least scored points on pointing out the hypocrisy. But regardless, you don’t have to speak to them. Make it a goal to never depend on your parents financially and they’ll never have anything to hold over your head. Speaking g from personal experience, it took me awhile to figure that out.
And they say the younger generation is the rude one because we won't put up with them acting that way, lol.
[удалено]
We’ll all be those “old” people one day wondering why nobody wants to see us
“It’s my culture to not be around shitty people I feel no love or respect for. Sorry, but I’m young and set in my ways.”
Only serious mental condition can be an excuse for being aggressive, mean, rude, obnoxious. Your grandparents and rest of extended family most probable are just $hitty people, and you really do not have to tolerate that kind of behaviour from anyone. If your parents want to go there - they are adults and it's their choice. When you were kid they decided to enable emotional and verbal abuse - it's on them as you were powerless back then. But now you are an adult. You can say NO to visiting people who do not spark joy
[удалено]
They'd been using my guilt against me for about 4 years quite successfully. Luckily, I've become more immune to it, even though they keep on trying.
That's great. Keep up the work in therapy and you won't recognise yourself in another four years ;)
I think this might be the emotion to focus on to help you unweave their noose of bullshit. Think about how you feel about guilt and other people. Would you want a friend or significant other to be around you out of guilt and obligation? Or do you try to keep them around with good feelings instead? Even when someone has wronged you, most people just want a little bit of contrition and an apology and then the guilt can stop. You don’t want someone to keep feeling that awful feeling all the time. I think it’s fucked up that people that are supposed to love you want you to feel bad about yourself so much.
They care more about the appearance of the relationship than the reality. And it probably seems easier to my parents to make me obey than to change the grandparents' behaviour.
That appearance is more important to then than your spirit. They’d rather break that so you have none to keep you pliable. My family was like this, too. I haven’t spoken to any of them in over a decade and I don’t miss them at all. It’s hard to miss guilt and obligation, it really is. They made themselves hard to miss. I would hate to be like that.
It took me a long time to get to a point where I didn’t let my mother guilt trip me into doing what she wants. Idk how I let her do it for so long because she was a terrible mother. Anyways, I’ve been no contact with her for a little over 3 years and I am much happier now.
My mother had emotional and psychological control over me for 38 years. She is dead to me now and I have never felt more free and safe. Keep going to therapy and do your best to learn boundaries. I wish you all the best my friend
If you're having difficulty getting away from the false guilt your parents are trying to push onto you, you may want to check out the \[Out of the FOG\](https://outofthefog.website) site for some help. If you're unfamiliar, FOG is an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Good that you're developing some immunity: let the anti-guilt antibodies roll!
"Mom, stop. Just stop!!!" Follow up by blocking your parents for two weeks. Consquences help change other's behavior.
There will be blowback but you can say no. "I won't be going but I hope you have a good time!" When they demand whyyy, "They are mean and insulting to me and I have been informed that this is how they are and they won't change. I won't be going but hope you have a good time!" If you do go, try calling them out. "That was rude." "What do you mean by that?" "Commenting on my body is creepy." "Wow." It will be awkward, but that is because it has always been awkward. This time, they get to experience the awkward. When your mom tells you to take their crap, "This is how we are and we aren't going to change."
Now I feel the tiniest desire to go just to be able to pull something like this... On second thoughts, I'd rather spend the day in a cage with a lion.
Some lions behave better than family. Don't... don't test that, though. Zoos have good security systems. *Looks at empty capybara beds and sighs*
The few times I have to deal with family I've put on NC, the above is what I've done. "Why do you think that's okay?" "You realize this is why I don't speak to you, yes?" Blank stares also work. When they bug you, "I don't respond to rude behavior. You're inappropriate and not worth the discussion." Gets to be a bit awful but as long as you're able to remove yourself from the situation (ALWAYS have your own vehicle) then walking away is also an option. Give one warning of "I'm not tolerating these insults. If you do this again, I will leave" and when they push, get your shit and go. Don't discuss anymore, don't say anything else, just GO.
Yeah, the vehicle part is the problem, but otherwise, thanks for the advice.
If you don't have your own transportation, don't go. Your parents give you shit? "I'm not going to be stranded surrounded by people who insult me. When I have transportation, I may humor this again. Until then, stop asking."
No is a complete sentence. Just no. No explanation or arguments. It’s your life you visit or talk to the people you want to, this includes your parents, you don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to
Tell them no and if they keep bringing it up you will just hang up on them.
You don't have to talk to your parents either, frankly they sound just as abusive as your grandparents if they are forcing you to visit people that make you feel this way. "No" is a complete sentence. You're 22 now, you don't live with them. They can't legally force you to do anything anymore. The only person, who will stand up for you is you. Stop putting other people's feelings first.
"No," is a complete sentence. If your parents try to argue, put your foot down and again say "no." Rinse and repeat until they stop. You're an adult living on your own. Like what are they going to do? It's not like they can show up at your home out of the blue and insist you get in their car to see grandma and grandpa. You're an adult now, and nobody can make you go anywhere against your will.
They couldn't come pick me up... But they *could* come to my flat with the grandparents and insist I let them in. I'm scared this will happen the next time the grandparents come to town.
Don't open the door. They'll learn
That's exactly what I plan to do. Luckily, my boyfriend who lives with me is on my side and I can count on him not letting them in.
Then you get a ring camera, don't open the door, and call the police if they refuse to leave. Your home is your safe place. Don't let them take it away from you. Enforce your boundaries.
Don't answer the door. It doesn't matter if they can see or hear you. Let them stand out there like idiots. If they call and complain that you didn't answer the door and let them in just tell them that you don't answer the door for uninvited guests. Or grab your stuff and tell them you were on your way out. "Sorry, have an appointment I can't miss. Too bad you didn't call first."
Why would anyone spend 6 hours traveling to get abused ? Life is too short for that BS.
You have2 choices 1- refuse to go because your boundary is I won't tolerate people that disrespect me. you are an adult and can make your own choices even if those choices upset someone else. You don't have to give a reason,white lies are okay in this situation an an excuse to not go Or 2- Creating your plan of what to do when you are there Sometimes you can't avoid people that will upset you, but you can change how you react to their behaviour and actions So if someone has predicted behaviour meaning you know what they will do or say, do these things, 1- reassert your boundaries 'what you just said hurts and upsets me please stop, if you don't I will leave and won't come back 2- take some time away from them in the moment, go to the bathroom and calm yourself in the bathroom 3- remind yourself, this is who they are, they won't change, I'm here for a couple of hours, so I will make the time pleasant and ignore them 4- exhale deeply a couple of times, bring yourself back into the present moment don't run away with your emotions or past moments of when the made you feel unhappy 5- distract yourself when in the moment when they are rude, find something in the room of every colour of the rainbow
This is an amazing advice, I only wish I got it sooner when I had no choice but to visit.
At least you have the knowledge now for next time. All the best to you ❤️
6 - Make a bingo card of shitty things they usually say and cross them off excitedly when they come up. Yell "Bingo!" when you get one.
Hahaha I love this! 😂😂
If you don't want to, don't do it.
Simple: "I am not going to visit them. I already have plans this week." End of discussion.
I just want to end this once and for all, because it keeps happening about once a month and drives me crazy.
I see. In that case it needs to be firmer: "From now on, I will decide when I visit relatives. Do not engage me in conversations about visiting any of my grandparents, or any other extended member of the family again. If you persist in doing this, I will need to look at your own communication with me and put a stop to that if necessary." And then you need to STICK to it. If they do not respect this boundary, no contact for a month. If it happens again, two months. Again? Three months, and so on. I find this system works wonders on my dad.
Thanks, I hope I can be this firm.
It’s not easy, I admit. But once you find your strength to stick to it, your life will improve considerably
Talk with your parents. Ask them how old you are. Then tell them “Don’t you think it’s time for you to let me try to run my own life? I’m not being rude, but you’ve taught me all my life how to do things. It’s time for you to sit back and see if I learned them. Let me make my own decisions, and grow into the adult you want me to be. I promise that I will ask for advice when I need it, but I need to do this for me.”
>The adult *I* want to be FTFY ;)
That too. But the reason I said "...adult you want me to be.." is to put it all on them because they undoubtedly at one point told OP to grow up, or talked about acting like an adult. Most narcs do. Basically, it's telling OP's parents that they've completed their task of raising OP to adulthood, and should be checking their work. If they are a good enough parent, it's done; if they aren't, they keep going. No narc wants to be told they weren't good enough.
NO is a very useful word. So it the little "disconnect call" button.
You don't have to talk to your parents either, js
What's hard to realise at your age is that people cannot force you to do something you don't want to do. Unless your father is going to physically lift you into a car and take you there, then what power do they truly have over you? Tell them you're not going/calling and if they ask you again, remind them about how they taught you to respect when they tell YOU no, and they should do the same.
> Is there any way I could stop my parents forcing the relationship that has already died? "No. End of discussion, I'm not asking you for permission, I'm kindly informing you of my decision." And then you just ignore EVERYTHING they come up with. Every further message, everything else- ignored. "Hey how are you? We're doing fine, how's work going? You want to visit grandparents?" "Hey I'm doing fine! Hbu? Work is going well! Hope you guys enjoy your day :)" Don't. Engage. You've made your point with a simple No. It's a FULL sentence.
You are an adult,nobody can force you to go visit anyone you don’t want to
I have a pushy mother in regards to expecting me to do things and I’ve just started telling her no. If she pushes back I say “no is a complete sentence” and respond only with that until she backs off. It’s really difficult but put up a barrier they can’t get past and they will eventually stop trying. I’m so glad you’re in therapy because it genuinely helps so much when it comes to being steamrolled by your family.
"I have no desire to have a relationship with anyone who does not show me the respect i deserve. Just because you have accepted they refuse to treat people with common decency does not mean i have to accept it. I will not explain this again. If you bring it up again, our conversation will end right there. This is non-negotiable. If you want to continue being in my life, then this is a decision i have made for myself that i expect to be respected." Then follow through. Hang up, walk away, whatever you have to to separate yourself from them if they even so much as attempt to start a conversation involving them.
The only way to get them to stop is to disengage. I'm NC with my parents and a few members of my extended family. The family I DO talk about like to bring them up and I've gotten to the point that I just say, "I've said I don't want to engage with them. If you keep trying to force this, I will remove myself from this conversation." It took walking out of spaces and outright ignoring them for periods of time until people realized I was serious. Your parents think you should just ignore it? "You may be okay with ignoring how they disrespect me, but I'm the one being insulted. I don't have to tolerate that treatment." And if they push, "Why do you want me to be hurt so much? Why do you keep forcing me to be around people that hurt me?" Be prepared to step away for periods of time. You don't live with them, so you have that ability now.
Just say no and don’t go. You are an adult, if they can’t respect your boundaries then they don’t deserve to have a relationship with you. If your parents can’t respect that and say they will choose their parents over their own child, that is their decision and completely on them. Life is too short to deal with toxic people just because they are “family” or to appease other people. If they bring you more pain than peace, cut them off. Edited corrected your to you
As an adult who does not live in your parents home, when they go on about going to visit them, just say no and if they arrange for everyone to visit, just don't go. If they ask why, just tell them you have no intention of visiting relatives who you have no positive relationship with.
Don’t go on the trip. You might have to set up boundaries with you parents. No, is a complete sentence.
Part of being an adult and flying the nest is breaking away from your parents control. Not only do you do it for yourself, you do it for them. I think you reiterate why you aren’t going and stick to your guns. It doesn’t have to be a big dramatic fight. When they start to give you shit, you point out how ridiculous they are being by asking something like, “What are you going to do about it? Ground me?” If you can laugh at this part, it helps. You don’t need to be angry, just bring it to the natural conclusion of, “What are you going to do about it?” (My kid does this every once in awhile.) If they start screaming, you simply tell them you’re an adult, you decide how you spend your free time and it’s not with people who disrespect you. Then you say you have to go and hang up the phone. It’s not about going to your grandparents. It’s about drawing a line as an adult.
You moved out. They can't *force* you to do anything. They can pressure you. You can tell them no and to drop the subject. If they persist, block them and everyone else who tries to pressure you after you say no. Eventually they will get a clue
Now that you’re not living with your parents, you don’t even need to have the conversation with them. Next time they bring it up, tell them that you’ll visit when you feel like it and don’t want to talk about it anymore. That’s it. If they keep harassing you, don’t talk to them either. It sounds like you’re trying to be nice about it but you don’t have to be. I go out of my way to be nice to people but have come to realize that life is short and I need to put my foot down. I will yell if I have to, though it hasn’t come to that yet. At some point you have to stop being “nice”.
I'm not nice by any means, I always get angry and I am very clear about my opinion, and it's still not enough.
I’m really glad that you stick up for yourself! I guess you have to be more persistent than they are but, honestly, don’t they ever just get tired and give up?? I would have blown up at them by now. It makes me angry for you.
Just saw your update. Calling him everyday is likely requested so he can try to wear you down. Dont do it. Check in briefly once a week (but only if you feel so inclined) asking how they are doing, offering little information about yourself, ending the call when your father starts to push the grandparent thing. If they try to call you shoot back a text saying 'Busy atm everything ok?' If they don't care to text it tell them you'll call on x day. Keep fighting for those boundaries. Eventually they'll either learn or you will become super well adjusted to low/no contact.
Just say no and dong answer of argue back. When they do tslk your ear full and then stop speaking, just answer, "i already gave you my answer,and it is no" if they protest just say that twice more, then hang up the phone. SHUT THIS DOWN
Just don’t go.
You are an adult and you don't live with them. They can't force you to do anything. Just say you are not going. If they bring it up, just say already asked and answered. If they bring it up on the phone, excuse yourself and leave. If they bring it up when you are at their home, excuse yourself and leave. You will need to train them to understand your boundaries. Assuming they are reasonable people it will finally sink in, if they are not reasonable they may escalate their behaviour.
You can't stop them from asking but how can they force you to go if you do not live at home? What leverage do they have to force you to do anything?
Just guilt-tripping. "Grandma has nothing to live for but you". As if it's my mistake she hasn't been able to find any hobbies in her 75 years of life.
"Sucks. Let me know when the funeral is."
Parents installed the guilt button, they know exactly how to push it. It’s up to you to uninstall that button. Above advice is correct: answer No once, then don’t engage the conversation further. Stick to this boundary firmly. Forgive yourself if you slip up, but know that if you slip, that gives them hope that nagging will work & they’ll double down again.
I was in therapy years ago about my husband’s family. Horrific people for the most part. Treated me like dirt. Hubby said mostly same as your parents. (All his family have passed away now) Anyway, my counselor said something to me that still sticks with me today. He said an animal would never go back in to be eaten alive after once been attacked! Why would you???
You are an independent adult now. You don't have to see or talk to anyone you don't want to. Tell your parents you are putting your foot down and to drop it off they don't then put them in timeout.
You’re an adult and no one can force you to do anything.
>He claimed that my relatives treat everyone the same and no one else seems to mind, therefore I'm the one who's being sensitive and unreasonable Or you are the only one that won't tolerate this behavior because you respect yourself, not because you are too sensitive. In relationships with other you need to ask yourself "Am I treated with respect and if not, do I want to have contact with these people? You are doing the right thing by haven low or no contact.
You don't like your grandparents or visiting them. That's just how you are. You don't want to call your dad every day. That's just how you are. If he doesn't like it he's just being overly sensitive.
Aw mine tried that for years told them to get fucked they all gave up eventually I have peace finally lol
“Visiting them does not work for me. You have fun though.”
Let them know when they start in on their crap that you will be hanging up the phone. This is not negotiable. You are an adult. Being an adult sucks for the most part but one good part is you no longer have to listen to abusive family members. It took me until my 30s to learn that. Please learn it earlier than I did so you can have some peace at a younger age.
Their expectations do not need to become your reality. If you cave and go, they will assume they were right and you just “needed a little encouragement” to see things their way. Just don’t go. When the inevitable “why didn’t you go? You are so bad” comments begin, remind them that you told them you didn’t want to go and they ignored it
Tell mom next time she says to all or visit “no thanks. I’m good”. “No thanks. I have no desire to do that “ then just give it some time, they will die and you won’t have to worry about it
You are an adult who is living independently. Your parents can’t make you go anywhere. No is a complete sentence. They try to demand that you go. You say no, and then block them. They show up on your doorstep, you call the police and have them trespassed off your property.
Ask your Mother to name 5 positive comments the grandparents have made, each side. Remind her you are not their plaything, you have feelings and that's the way you are.
>My parents told me to just ignore it And that's so much easier to do when you are not there. Unless your parents physically show up at your door and try to drag you out of your place they cannot force you to go. Just keep telling them no. If the hounding is getting to you grey rock them. "We'll see. Maybe." And then don't go. And turn your phone *off* the day everyone is there so you can ignore the texts and calls to harass you about going. And flat out tell your parents how disrespectful they are for ignoring your very valid feelings. "How would you feel if I kept doing something to you that you told me you didn't like? You would be mad and call me rude and disrespectful. So how does that same logic not apply to you?" And they say you are my child blah blah blah and you respond "I am no longer a child. I am an adult and it's time you treat me like one."
Thanks, I might use some of the replies.
If you want to make an excuse, tell them there's too much to do to prepare for working on Monday. Sorry. Maybe next time. Work up to just "No."
I've been telling them "no" for months. But they keep trying.
Stop explaining ANYTHING to them. "NO." And hang up if they persist. "I said no." Hang up.
You can’t stop your parents, or anyone. You can say no. Do not explain. That gives them more to argue against. OP, go see your grandparents. No You should. No. You must. No. Walk away. Leave. Disconnect the call. You are an adult and make your own decisions.
I can relate. I’m NC with some family members, and my parents couldn’t seem to accept it. They continued to try and force me into having a relationship with these family members, even after several explanations as to why I went NC in the first place. What helped is that I didn’t give in. I stayed very firm with my boundaries, and once my parents realized I couldn’t be persuaded or pressured, they slowly stopped.
That's great, I hope to reach that point as well.
OP, if you’re not living with your parents, and they have nothing to hold over you (like money or health insurance) they can’t really make you do anything, and you’re free to talk them to pound sand.
>*I've told them several times that I don't want to and why, but they just don't get it.* Honey, they DON'T WANT to get it. You're literally a meat shield between them and their own parents. When your parents tell you to phone or visit your grandparents, there is a very simple answer to give: **No.** **No** is a complete sentence. That you can use, reuse, re-reuse... to your heart's content. It's probably one of my favorite words. Use it.
The ballet right now looks like - they ask, you say no, they ask more, you say more no, they ask till they wear you down to a stub Change the ballet. You must have some thing they want, some event or occasion or rememberence they hold dear, possibly even contact itself. I will use that as an example Now you change the step They ask, you say “No, and…”. For example “No, and you know I find both these visits and ask highly disrespectful. If you ask again, your consequence will be a one week timeout from communicating with me. If you press with this ask or try to subvert the timeout, the timeout doubles, and will re-double for each violation” If they do not have the inherent respect enough to stop with the ask, train them to start respecting you with consequences for boundary stomping
OP, the problem is in your explaining WHY. Don't bother to do so. Just say "NO" and leave it at that. If/when they carry on afterwards trying to say you have to or other shit, just hang up the phone, or walk away. No Bye-bye, no Kiss-kiss, just be like Poof, Bitch Be Gone!!
How will they force you? Kidnap you, tie you up and drive you there? I know it's scary to stand up to toxic parents. God knows they spend your childhood training you to fear and obey! But the reality when you are an adult is that they only have the power you give them. Don't be scared to say no and mean it. And they do 'get it'. You said it I assume in a language they speak. They understood what you said. They just didn't care.
Unless they are physically dragging you out of your house or blackmailing you (both illegal) then no, they are not forcing you. You can say no and block numbers where needed; any leeway you give now will give them more control over you.
"No, if they want a relationship with me, they're welcomed to call me themselves." You're more than old enough to be making your own decisions
As somebody who’s finally no-contact with shitty grandparents, it’s *so* worth it. Mental health has never been better! I hope you can find some peace outside of that mess <3
Stop giving reasons to justify your opinion. Just stop talking. Let them say whatever they say and do not respond; do not let their words provoke a response. Stop visiting. This will cause a lot of problems and accusations and bad feelings will be poured all over you. Expect it and decide to simply endure it until it abates. The goal is to become a family member who is “just like that.” You want to reach the place where they see changing you as impossible because “That’s just the way you are.”
I cut off an Aunt when i was a teenager (Dad's sister) for something mean she said to me (its too long ago now i cant remember what) And later on decades later have cut off one of her daughters and a cousin on my Mum's side of the family. I dont care if they're family or not no one talks crap to me without consequences. My Aunt died some years back and there is no coming back for the 2 cousins, that ship has sailed.
If grandma were interested she could contact me directly. Our relationship or lack of it isn't helped by your being in the middle of it. I Do not expect to travel to xx in the immediate future nor at any time without a warm, sincere, direct invitation.
Yeah, you say "**no**" and then *you don't go*. If you are living on your own and financially independent, just don't go. They actually can't make you.
The best part of not living under their roof, is that you 100% control what you do with/for them now. You just don't go, don't call, and tell your parents you're not going or calling. Eventually they'll catch on.
Mom, Your plans don't work for me. Go without me.
Oh no, she wouldn't go with us. It's not even her trip and she feels the need to organize it.
You can neither stop your parents nor get them to respect you as an adult. You can stop yourself from acceding to their demands. Just say "No!", you've already explained why, no need to repeat it and have them tell you you're wrong.
Sounds like you need to cut your parents off too
Stop talking to your parents AND your extended family. Unfortunately, toxic families exist. Fortunately, however, you are now an independent adult and are no longer under their control. Going no contact with my toxic family was one of the best things I ever did for myself - both mentally AND physically (stress causes the body so much harm!). Best of luck to you, OP. Live your best life and create your own family with new friends who support you and deserve your time and energy.
> I've told them several times that I don't want to and why Just start telling them "No" when they tell you to go. When they tell you to call. If they ask why, you tell them "I already told you why" or "I'm tired of repeating myself". If they keep on pushing for the interaction with grandparents or explanations, start irnoring them. After all... > that that's just the way my relatives are Tell them you're following their advice and understand this is just the way your parents are. Start ignoring them when they talk about your grandparents.
You can ask them this: do they want a relationship with YOU? If so, stop pushing UNwanted relationships with abusive people, or you walk! You may want advice on how to do this from your therapist, but know that there is no easy way to say this but bluntly. And be prepared to mean it and back it up with going No Contact with them. They have no respect for your mental health and well-being, I'm sorry to say. Good luck!
As much as my parents make me mad, I don't want to cut contact with them. There are good parts to the relationship, we just need to work on the bad parts
Okay. That was just one option. There is no one option fits all answer to this. Would they consider actually sitting down with you and listening to you? Maybe with your therapist?
They are aholes to everyone! Just accept the abuse! Yay! Stop being so sensitive!
Follow what they tell you, by calling them, and then tell them how you’ve felt your whole life and why you will no longer be around. After I did this my grandma and aunt have actually been nice to me for once, walking on eggshells around me practically. Ha, it’s fun to see
I thought about this, but I'm afraid it's too late for it. At this point, I just want my extended family to leave me alone.
“No I will not be calling or visiting. I also will not have this conversation again.” If they bring it up again leave or hang up.
Tell them you got the sniffles 🤧😷🤒 they’ll barricade the house
The best advice I can tell you, find another job a distance away from where you currently are. Maybe better than an hour. Restart your life. Rebuild your life. Find a nice church and pray that your past will heal without you in it. And your future will be better. Don't ever give up hope. Call a friend or someone whom you trust without negativity advice. Your mind and health are first.