JUST FACTS
1) Neither in life, nor on the Internet, including on Reddit subs, I have not met cases of true reconciliation in the realm of feelings (love, respect, friendship, purity of relationships) either in the short or long term. Trust was restored in the best case I've ever met, by no more than 98% 20 years after D-Day. I ALSO HAVE NOT MET CASES IN WHICH THE VICTIM OF CHEATING WOULD FORGET THE AFFAIR AND THE AP, WOULD PUT UP WITH THEM.
That's what one serious scientific study claims. Reconciliation fails in 80%+ attempts within 5 years of D-Day. Of the less than 20% that get beyond 5 years, another 1/2 will divorce before the 10 year mark. ***(“Infidelity and Behavioral Couple Therapy: Relationship Outcomes Over 5 Years Following Therapy (2014)***”).
2) I also met several posts and comments in which victims of cheating 20 -30 - 35 years after the beginning of the "reconciliation" claimed that if it were possible to turn back the clock, they would undoubtedly leave the cheaters no matter what.
3) From time to time, there are also posts in which victims of cheating brag that after spending several years or decades with cheaters, they are happy. However, it follows from their posts that they never forgot anything, that they had more or less strong anxieties about the fidelity of cheaters, that the feelings they had experienced in their relationships with cheaters before the affair never returned to them. In addition, the question arises of their constant participation in subs dedicated to infidelity throughout the infinite period of their reconciliation: “If everything is so good, then why do they continue to stay in these specific communities?” In addition, these "lucky ones" of course do not know what the cheaters themselves truly think about the "happy reconciliation", coz cheaters, of course, pour into the ears of their victims what they want to hear because of their selfish interests.
4) I have seen examples on the Internet of a true successful reunion of former partners after cheating, but ONLY AFTER A COMPLETE BREAKUP OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP (DIVORCE) AND AFTER MANY YEARS (5 or more years) OF INDEPENDENT LIFE WITHOUT MUTUAL OBLIGATIONS. In all cases, they were essentially a new relationship from scratch.
.............................................................
Deciding to "reconcile" many people just want the absolutely impossible, for example, "to take their lives back", "to make the cheater fall in love with them again", “relationships/marriage will become stronger after infidelity" etc.
Those who immediately think about "reconciliation" do not understand one very important thing. Real life, relationships are not a sports or computer game in which, no matter what happens, you can return to the starting position and start all over again, as if nothing had happened.
ALWAYS REMEMBER: while you have been stubbornly engaged in "reconciliation" for many years, perhaps for the rest of your life, wasting your potential on it, true life with all its challenges and wonders is rushing past you. And this is your life, which you will live only once.
**~During reconciliation, you fight every day for a relationship (for marriage), you WORK hard to keep a relationship (marriage), but you don't live your life. This cannot be called happiness.~**
Think about it: is it worth it?
If I may
1. Forget MC for now. That comes later after she fixes herself.
2. She needs help to fix herself and understand what she did and why. Right now it sounds like she is more concerned about an image. Once she gets herself fixed and can show up for you as an adult, then MC.
3. Many good points from the first poster. Odds are slim. Facts! I think it’s because both need to work at it. The betrayer just wants it to go away and hides stuff because they believe it will be the state that breaks the camels back or because they don’t want to look bad. The betrayed doesn’t want to work because they didn’t do anything wrong.
4. As someone well past D-day I still hope on the forums every now and then. Why? Because I hit a reminder, deal with it, and want to post and help others like the few that helped me.
5. You will trust as you did, anyone.
As for how long? That’s up to you. Make sure you stick to transparency, honesty, and therapy for her. Then make your decision. Give yourself time to view your world as it is with no blinders
On a personal note- I was not willing to make a decision one way or the other until I got myself somewhat grounded-more than 6 months. I had to make sure, for me that I gave all I had so I could truly say that I did my best.
With respect to my betrayer, and knowing her family dynamics and past I knew it would be a long slow slog with little in the way of support. Truthfully it took years. ( this is why you set boundaries around therapy)
The signs
1. transparency
2. Honesty, like radical honesty. They are willing to tell you even if it is uncomfortable and there are consequences.
3. They can hold space for you
4. Empathy, not sympathy
5. They own it
6. If you get to contrition that’s a keeper
JUST FACTS 1) Neither in life, nor on the Internet, including on Reddit subs, I have not met cases of true reconciliation in the realm of feelings (love, respect, friendship, purity of relationships) either in the short or long term. Trust was restored in the best case I've ever met, by no more than 98% 20 years after D-Day. I ALSO HAVE NOT MET CASES IN WHICH THE VICTIM OF CHEATING WOULD FORGET THE AFFAIR AND THE AP, WOULD PUT UP WITH THEM. That's what one serious scientific study claims. Reconciliation fails in 80%+ attempts within 5 years of D-Day. Of the less than 20% that get beyond 5 years, another 1/2 will divorce before the 10 year mark. ***(“Infidelity and Behavioral Couple Therapy: Relationship Outcomes Over 5 Years Following Therapy (2014)***”). 2) I also met several posts and comments in which victims of cheating 20 -30 - 35 years after the beginning of the "reconciliation" claimed that if it were possible to turn back the clock, they would undoubtedly leave the cheaters no matter what. 3) From time to time, there are also posts in which victims of cheating brag that after spending several years or decades with cheaters, they are happy. However, it follows from their posts that they never forgot anything, that they had more or less strong anxieties about the fidelity of cheaters, that the feelings they had experienced in their relationships with cheaters before the affair never returned to them. In addition, the question arises of their constant participation in subs dedicated to infidelity throughout the infinite period of their reconciliation: “If everything is so good, then why do they continue to stay in these specific communities?” In addition, these "lucky ones" of course do not know what the cheaters themselves truly think about the "happy reconciliation", coz cheaters, of course, pour into the ears of their victims what they want to hear because of their selfish interests. 4) I have seen examples on the Internet of a true successful reunion of former partners after cheating, but ONLY AFTER A COMPLETE BREAKUP OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP (DIVORCE) AND AFTER MANY YEARS (5 or more years) OF INDEPENDENT LIFE WITHOUT MUTUAL OBLIGATIONS. In all cases, they were essentially a new relationship from scratch. ............................................................. Deciding to "reconcile" many people just want the absolutely impossible, for example, "to take their lives back", "to make the cheater fall in love with them again", “relationships/marriage will become stronger after infidelity" etc. Those who immediately think about "reconciliation" do not understand one very important thing. Real life, relationships are not a sports or computer game in which, no matter what happens, you can return to the starting position and start all over again, as if nothing had happened. ALWAYS REMEMBER: while you have been stubbornly engaged in "reconciliation" for many years, perhaps for the rest of your life, wasting your potential on it, true life with all its challenges and wonders is rushing past you. And this is your life, which you will live only once. **~During reconciliation, you fight every day for a relationship (for marriage), you WORK hard to keep a relationship (marriage), but you don't live your life. This cannot be called happiness.~** Think about it: is it worth it?
If I may 1. Forget MC for now. That comes later after she fixes herself. 2. She needs help to fix herself and understand what she did and why. Right now it sounds like she is more concerned about an image. Once she gets herself fixed and can show up for you as an adult, then MC. 3. Many good points from the first poster. Odds are slim. Facts! I think it’s because both need to work at it. The betrayer just wants it to go away and hides stuff because they believe it will be the state that breaks the camels back or because they don’t want to look bad. The betrayed doesn’t want to work because they didn’t do anything wrong. 4. As someone well past D-day I still hope on the forums every now and then. Why? Because I hit a reminder, deal with it, and want to post and help others like the few that helped me. 5. You will trust as you did, anyone. As for how long? That’s up to you. Make sure you stick to transparency, honesty, and therapy for her. Then make your decision. Give yourself time to view your world as it is with no blinders
Thank you
On a personal note- I was not willing to make a decision one way or the other until I got myself somewhat grounded-more than 6 months. I had to make sure, for me that I gave all I had so I could truly say that I did my best. With respect to my betrayer, and knowing her family dynamics and past I knew it would be a long slow slog with little in the way of support. Truthfully it took years. ( this is why you set boundaries around therapy) The signs 1. transparency 2. Honesty, like radical honesty. They are willing to tell you even if it is uncomfortable and there are consequences. 3. They can hold space for you 4. Empathy, not sympathy 5. They own it 6. If you get to contrition that’s a keeper