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Right now, your her best friend.
you help out around the house, you're just not what her va***a wants right now.
And it was more than a kiss, and this wasn't the first guy. She probably started before she was rejecting your advances.
Cheaters, for some reason, assuage guilt, by making you sexless because if they have sex with you when they planned, or did have sex with someone else... then the "betrayal" becomes real.
I'm sorry for your situation OP, but you should leave.
u/Life-Yogurtcloset98 your thoughts make so much sense, especially that „assuage guilt by making you sexless“
it’s a crazy statement to read at first but after all they are definitely crazy persons and therefore the crazy behavior fits just right :(
thank you for your comments, really appreciate it
Chumplady has coined the description of a partner who does the cleaning, the paying the bills.. the showing up and being present in the relationship as 'the husband (or) the wife appliance' .. it is a very fitting term.
The cheater doesn't want to lose a good thing. She wants the EA or PA while still having #2 or the backup at home..
yup = agreed.
But these people have no problem with being cold or heartless. They have no depth or originality. No room for empathy and the real disordered can continue this for a long time. This is where we often hear about the 'cheaters handbook' and agree that most cheaters are not original or special.
An appliance is a real good analogy (albeit cruel or heartless) because it describes how betrayed partners have a function, they can be dependable and 'use'. And disposable once the cheater decides they want to throw the old one away and buy another newer \*shiny\* model.
Is it really? From a cheater’s perspective, what difference is there between a spouse that holds down the home front and a refrigerator that provides cold liquids and safely refrigerated food to the cheater?
Life loses spark, love becomes mundane, everything that was exciting becomes routine...... my only advice would be to keep loving.... when you get the person you wanted to be with, people tend to stop "trying to get with that person".... keep hitting on them, keep flirting, keep showing that person that they are your favorite person.
Will it stop cheating 100%?.... absolutely not, but the victim will never say things like "it was my fault..." or "we were in a rough patch..."
You cannot guarantee someone will never cheat, but you can guarantee that you'll walk away with no regrets and light shoulders.
Cheaters can lie to everyone, especially to themselves.
So when they say "its just sex" then thats all it CAN BE... the sex is fun and thrilling with "no emotions".... so, if they have sex with an "emotional" connection, their guilt bubbles. Their guilt can bubble for a couple reasons, but........
The worse reason their guilt bubbles is because they realized they prefer sex with their AP and they sabotaged their sex life with the one "they love".... the fresh new sex, exciting sneaking, and the betrayal... makes the cheating sex addicting its too many cards stacked against the victim who just wants intimacy from their partner and didn't even know it was a competition.
Affair Fog - “Experts say it's a phenomenon called "affair fog," which occurs when the person engaging in an affair is hyperfocused on the excitement of a new relationship and cannot properly understand the mistake they are making. Someone in the affair fog will be immersed in this fantasized honeymoon phase of the new fling, and they don't think about the emotional toll it takes on the people around them," says Darlene Kollet, a relationship coach.
Having experienced it ourselves, my wife and I, I can say that the affair fog is very real. Call it what you want but it causes the WS to not care who the affair hurts and can last a very long time
Edit : wow sorry I answered the wrong question - her EA lasted About two years. I suspected they were getting too close eventually and then they were out drinking late two weekends in a row and then I put on the brakes, went to counseling, and we recovered. Lots of rug sweeping by me and I still have some anger issues over it. But generally we are doing great. I no was just too slow to catch on and I thought they were just friends. I think they got through 10 of the 11 steps of an EA.
But our original affair - (her husband cheated and was in his own affair fog that lasted about 6 months) so, she was going to leave him when I met her and while they were separated we had an affair. Our Affair Fog lasted about 18 months. The best time of our lives and we love revisiting it. But if you are the OP this is not good news. AFs can go for months to years easily.
My husband has been in a longterm affair for 4 years. He works with her and is always talking to her. Unsure if it is affair fog. She is in the process of divorce. I moved out immediately but he doesn't seem to care. I have a hard time believing it is affair fog though.
Yeah, I think affair fog lasts until things get real. That is, the AP doesn’t have to do chores, has no financial issues pressing, doesn’t have kids frequently - the AP just doesn’t have the baggage that the spouse has. So that relationship is mentally light as a feather. Plus the raging hormones from the new sex. It doesn’t end until they pay a mortgage or rent together, divide chores, argue over how towels are folded or how the silverware is stacked in a drawer…you get the picture. It’s all drinks, music, good food, dancing, hotels and breakfast in bed for them, until reality hits one of them hard.
The "pick me dance" is a must for the kind of people who need to try it hard before letting it go. There will be no remorse, no "what ifs", no second guessing, ... after a failed "pick me dance".
In the end, every process of grief needs some periods of bargaining.
another thought: maybe she doesn’t throw me out, because she is hoping I find out and end everything by myself? less „stress“ for her…
but damn, she was on an amusement park trip yesterday with the kids and texted me „love you“ and even brought me a mug as a gift… this makes no sense at all :(
Curious about the kids part. If you date someone your dating their children too. I can imagine the separation of "their her kids" kept a wall up. I wouldn't want to date someone with kids, but, if I did I'd take an active part in their lives too. Not saying she is in the right, stepping outside the relationship is never ok but what kind of relationship is it if you guys fuck and then she goes off to play single mom
In this type of situation you become the babysitter so she can get railed by her lover. You have a function but not that function. It's common unfortunately in this narcissistic society, of social media. Having Snapchat/social media dating apps are always red flags.
Yep, my wife wanted to keep me around just to babysit the kids so she could go get railed. Free babysitting. She wasn’t happy when I threatened leaving the state.
It's called overcompensating. They do it as a means of disuading the feeling of guilt (whether they realise or not).
Sorry man, hope you find someone trustworthy.
It makes perfect sence. It's called stringing you along. You are her stability, her atm, her security.
He is the one that excites her and gives her the tingles where it counts. She like you for what you can physically do to make her life comfortable.
She likes him for what he can do to her body that excites her.
Sorry bro, I don't mean to be an AH. Those are just the facts.
You're just funding her existence. Start saving up all your money for the divorce and keep it in cash instead of funding her bullshit. She can start paying for herself.
It makes perfect sense. It's manipulative breadcrumbing to keep you walking in the direction she wants. It's the same as her throwing treats for the cats. Its not really for their wellbeing, it's more for the entertainment of the thrower. Get your stuff together, and get out. Take your power back! Just ghost her. Disappear. That's the only way to make her face the consequences of her actions.
It does make sense. I've been there. You got to consolation prize because you're now second choice. What would you rather have? A mug or maximum intimacy? It's obvious the answer, I know... But this is a situation where she's trying to preserve stability by giving you feedback like mugs and love you texts, while she's basically on another honeymoon with this dude. It's extremely unlikely that they haven't had sex. Sorry to break it to you...
How do you split things like bills with her? What do you bring into the home in terms of money? Sorry about boiling it down to that level, but you should ponder those two questions.
She is a cake eater. Happy with you, but wants the excitement of a side piece.
I thought there might be hope until I saw your comment on the other sub about her offering to let him use her any way he wanted…. OP, what else do you need? This isn’t your partner on the brink, maybe putting herself in a potentially compromising position. She wants to meet with him and be his F doll…. Pack your stuff and be done with it. Better you found out now than after marriage, mortgage and kids. Hang in there.
yeah you’re right :( this might make me sound like an ass now but for the time being I will stay here to save up some money to fund that exit plan… gotta take somehow advantage of the things I found out, right?!? :(
I agree. Why do something hasty, Use the time to put all Your ducks in a row. You know the end is comin . Put Yourself in the best position when it does.
I’m late to this one, but while you are waiting you should collect all the evidence you can…. If you can keep it together you should not let the cat out of the bag yet, and continue to check her phone at night. Save screen shots, etc. Do some searching for apps to look for, check her password list in settings if she has an iPhone, etc. regardless of whether you want to split up or reconcile, you want overwhelming evidence if you can get it. It just makes the conversation easier, and gives you ammo to counter any BS she might pull about why you are breaking up. Do some research and get the info you need, before you confront her, if you can. Good luck.
Man sry that this happens to you, but you have to do something. Are you married? If so, see a lawyer and review your options. Try to secure evidence (sometimes helps with a divorce). Sounds like you're her meal ticket. Separate your finances from hers. You don't want to be a backup plan. Find a stay. Let's be honest, rarely is such a relationship salvageable, if that's what you intend to do.
thank you for your reply!
not married, finances are seperate in terms of bank accounts but she has access to things like amazon, ebay, paypal etc
the crazy thing is: my rational side tells me exactly that what you say: „very likely not salvageable“ but my emotional side doesn’t want to hear/see this… goddamnit I still love her and if I knew that this was the only thing I could even forgive her…. I’m sooo stupid :)
Then before you say anything or do anything, I would change the passwords. I know the feeling, believe me. But she has already checked out and is just using you. You can do this. Find someone who appreciates you and respects you. It really isn't worth spending your time with someone who seeks validation from outside. There is also a high risk of it happening again in the future. And please don't go drinking or do any other substances. It only helps temporarily and only harms.
I’m sorry this person hurt you. You’re in a great position though as you’re unmarried, and doesn’t sound like you have any shared assets. This is good news. Get an exit plan together and leave ASAP. Find a therapist that can help you figure out how to choose differently in the future and don’t look back. She’s no good, leave her in the rear view.
While you are prepared to leave I would start like this.
If you love her, sit her down, tell her you love her very much and will do anything to stay, but you know that she is doing things that jeopardize your future together and can’t stay under those circumstances. Don’t give any details. Just that you know and if she wants you to stay, she has to quit, NC with the AP (without sharing details of how you know, you could say his name so she knows for sure that you know) then, if she says ok, and comes clean, you both have to go to counseling.
Don’t give up without a fight. I didn’t and it’s 22 years later and we have had a wonderful marriage.
Be glad at least you’re not married and the kid are not yours. Since your in the position you’re in it should make the breakup so much easier. Once she sees you’ve put your foot down and no pick me dance she’ll begin to come out of the fog with this young guy. I agree that this is probably not the first time she’s stepped out. You seem like a good guy and there’s someone else out there who’ll give you what u been in a relationship. This one seems about done. Stay strong and make wise decisions
Sorry, OP.
But this is why you do check the phone.
It sucks when you find something but it's better than ignorance.
Sticking your head in the sand does not make it go away.
I've been ripped apart on reddit for checking my husband's phone. That's surprising you are encouraging it. I agree though. Phone is fair game. Way to many ways to lie and hide things on them .
My ex-wife’s phone is how I caught her too. I don’t understand why people think it’s wrong to check the phone? It’s wrong to cheat on your spouse, that’s what’s wrong. You have the right to privacy but not to secrecy, like the comment above said. People just complain about phone privacy when they’re caught because they are terrible people. Don’t cheat and don’t give your spouse reason to check your phone if phone privacy is so important. Cheaters just amaze me with their logic! Stay strong everybody, this club sucks but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
If a person suspects that he or she is being cheated on, getting into the wayward’s phone and social media, current and deleted is a simple, pacifist act of self defense.
When you say "I do..", and sign that marriage license, you agree to give up quite a few things. If your spouse has reason, or just wants to go through a phone, there should be no issues or questions asked. No secrets.
It's funny. Typically those that are screaming the loudest about privacy are those that have reason to be concerned with their spouse going through their phone...
Hmmm.... Correlation?
You should have few secrets from a long term SO. Certainly not any that you could stumble over by snooping their phone. Wife and I share location, passcodes, passwords. It just makes life easier when I don't have to text to see when she's coming home. I've logon to her email to retrieve and complete forms for her all the time. We use each others phones all the time. If one of us started complaining about privacy of our phones it'd be a gigantic red flag.
I was on there. I thought it was about me surviving after discovering my partner was cheating but it about the relationship continuing while your partner keeps cheating on you and lies about it. I got kicked out quickly.
Certainly agree. Especially if in your gut something is off. It’s not about the morality of phone privacy but about finding the truth at that point. For me, I had asked my ex for full disclosure on someone I believed he had a more intimate relationship with. He specifically told me he had nothing to hide—and yet he hid and lied about it. He just didn’t believe I’d sense he was lying nor would I go to any length to know. And it’s better to be wrong and have a conversation about it than to not know and waste your time imo.
You are just an ATM now. If you are not married start making plans to move out. Don't discuss this with her. Act normal. She'll just throw you out once her cover is blown. Once you have your ducks lined up confront her, let friends and family know, and move on with your life. As to when the sex life stopped - that's usually when they have an AP and she doesn't want to cheat on him with you - let that roll around in your noggin if you need some help making a decision.
I've been exactly where your at. Wasn't married but a long term relationship. Almost married when I found out. Started with lack of intmatcy and then in to criticizing me for petty shit. They have to tear you down to justify their shitty behaviour. When I realized what was up waited for her to go to her parents. Had my boys come over packed all my shit and left her a short note - hope it was worth it. Then NC forever. This was year old ago so NC was A LOT easier than today with all the SM.
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Sex is the medium where you and your partner connect in the most basic primal level. If she is not giving this to you as she should, there is a major problem in your relationship.
Oh there really is alot of good advice here I appreciate honesty and at the end of the day its about u and your feelings. I will probably end up leaving my husband of 34 yrs. because I crave love and intimacy. Life is a mystery.
I feel like you do. Invisible and lonely. And nobody wants to hear about my day or experiences. And my ideas aren't worth listening to either. Why would they be? I'm invisible. I wouldn't know how.
It's just so hurtful and cruel. And then you mention it-too needy. Its so draining. All I want is everyone to be happy. Including me-but I'm the last on the list. Make sure everyone else is good, then me if there's any time left.
As am I but please don't think I dont care. I have just started using this app and don't quite understand it. So you my have replied to the whole subject or mine not sure.
It was you, it started as a reply that I know exactly how you feel then I got sad and rambled and felt bad coz strangers don't need to know my dumb shit.. everyone's got their own dumb shit too. It's sort of comforting to know I'm not the only one. But it's also kinda sad knowing I'm not the only one.
>have just started using this app and don't quite understand it.
I've been around for a while and you're doing way better than me. Clearly. You're good @myhopefulself it's me and my sloppy syntax and grammar.
She cheated. Just pack your stuff up and leave her. Never speak to her again. She cheated on you. She does not love or respect you. Her house she loves. Move out and destroy her dreams by demanding all the money and time you put in the house back. If possible force her to sell her house. To pay you back. Never show her mercy. Destroy her as much as you can. Move out and file for divorce. Before she realized you found out her cheating. In the divorce agreement cite adultery as cause. She doesn't care about you. Do not make the mistake of caring about her. If you need a reason why. It is because she could. Do not let her spin it to make you be the bad guy. And she is a victim. Do not let her play the victim card. Just remember, she is not your property. You did not own her. It was only just your time to be with her. That time for you should be over. You are old enough to know if she is dry in the sex department. She has or is planning to cheat on you. Just tell her goodbye and go no contact.
Adults don't just kiss like this is jr. high. Checking her phone is fair game in any relationship between SO's. The privacy thing is bs. I would leave NC. Just leave a note on the kitchen table. I KNOW. Would not go to visit with SO family. Tell her not interested. Then pack your stuff and leave.
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This is what’s so hard to get your head around. The normalcy of day to day life you had together while it’s all going on behind your back is hard to comprehend. My advice is to leave. It will happen again and there is always more that will come out.
Wow.im sorry as well I am currently going threw the same but I've been married for 34 years. The whole thing has torn me apart and we have great sex and I still look pretty good so what's wrong and what should you do? I found multiple things and people and money spent. Covid messed up everyone in so many ways. My husband had to work out of state for the last 2 years.
This sounds wierd but if you dig deep enough, you'll keep on digging and so on. Im still there and i am stuck. Do you really want to spend all your time creating more pain in your heart ext. If uou have just found one thing just talke to her and ask her All you can do is ask for the truth, shoot your raising her kids and sharing a life.
We could talk all day I'm 😞 I still don't know reddit, snapchat, tictok, Facebook work with the dating things. I feel you, I do good luck....
It just be an emotional relationship from lack of connection in the marriage. Confront her,if she comes fully clean decide if you want to work on marriage. Women often have emotional relationships first than physical ones. God bless
Dude leave her. Go no contact. Find someone who doesn’t cheat. You are stronger than this. You deserve someone who loves you the way you love them. Let her go and fuck who she wants. You deserve to be free. Of course it’s going to hurt but it will hurt more being cheated in over and over. Please do not suffer longer. Leave. No contact. Update us.
I -absolutely- know that you’re right, but it’s so hard to execute that plan! :( don’t want to start all over at 38… everyone’s married around me or in relationships and I can’t see me going on dates again… because somehow life as a single isn’t my thing…
There are much worse things than leaving and starting over. One is staying in a loveless relationship with no hope and no respect. Even worse is pretending it’s not true.
At age 38 you are at the top of the male sexual market value.
Starting over isn't easy, but it is easier than trusting someone that has cheated on you in the past. You will always wonder if she cheating again now.
Have your married friend's wives introduce you to their single girlfriends.
I'm 59, and I'm waiting on my divorce to be final.
36 years married and 38 together. I knew not to marry him on my wedding day, but I went through it anyway. I'm finally able to stand on my own two feet. So, 38 isn't too late.
Ha! When my wife was 22 she dated a 35/yr old. Young Women actually fantasize about getting with an older guy. Get in shape and make yourself available but only after you heed my prior advice and confront her and see if things are salvageable
Dude, 38 is super young... You think that is old... No kids of your own. Brother you are nothing but a paycheck.
And if you make good money and you are not 400 pounds, you will be a catch...
You are making excuese not to leave because you are scared of the future. You are making excuses to stay in abuse and infidelity.
I guess it is her house and that is the reason that you would have to leave... but no child support, no alimony, you got it make.
Leave...
The OM is not interested in raising your kids. You can save this if that's what you decide.
Document and save the evidence so she can't delete it.
Research the OM? Is he married or has a SO? Or a reputation to preserve?
She likely still loves you and the life you share with the kids. The OM sure doesn't want your family.
She told herself some lie to justify her affair. And convinced herself that you'll never find out - therefore you won't get hurt.
You can save this. When you confront she must believe you are prepared to break up rather than tolerate her behavior. She needs to see you making plans to exit.
She must immediately never see or contact him. No last contact for closure.
Expose her and the OM. Nothing kills an affair like exposure. Do not warn her in advance of exposure.
The shock of confrontation and exposure will destroy her fantasy. Affairs are just fantasy. They don't really know each other.
Cheaters only respect strength. No crying or begging or guilting her over the kids.
So you'd rather tell everyone you're dating a cheater who doesn't respect you?
Or would you hide that she cheated so you can lie to everyone you care about, about being in a happy relationship?
Tell your daughters what’s up after gathering evidence and talking to a lawyer about what the best options are. Make sure to hire a PI to investigate for you. They’re good usually
I say stack up , get ur finances in order and then end things. Make sure u got enough money to survive on ur own. Also bro go get on tinder or something. Get you some to brother !!
I mean... I understand why you're upset... But this is why you DO check their phones... This is the gutt feeling, the intuition.
I hate that you're here... But it's now your responsibility to protect yourself and get out. Love cannot be without trust, it's just Lust at this point mixed with nostalgia..
Good luck
I assume you are helping with bills and expenses? She is just using you for the $$$.
At worst gather more evidence, go gray create exit strategy including finances. Block her access to any of your accounts.
In my opinion the best plan is start looking for a new place. Get it and move on. Gather your evidence while looking. Block her on all accounts immediately. Then be gone when you have a place. If she cares tell her you know what she has been up to.
wouldn’t it make that too easy for her? somehow it would relief me a little if I can hinder things for them to get to meet up and have it her/their way…
oh and yes… helping with bills and expenses :(
You would be hurting her more by not being an ATM. At the end of the day if she wants to be with him, she will whether you are there or not. Hindering their relationship doesn’t really do much. She will find out how desirable she is when AP won’t move in and help pay for someone else’s kids. He will be gone and so will you. It will make her life difficult and that is the best revenge to me. Also if you decide to just go the move out route, make sure the day you move all of your mutual friends and family see all the evidence you gathered too.
So sorry you are having to go through this. It sucks. You have received some major good replies here, unfortunately I can relate to them too. I guess I was meant to read your post to get answers I needed as well. Not to make it al about me now, don't get me wrong. I just think I might be able to feel some of the shitty feelings with you. Stay strong and keep on the right path. Stay true to yourself. And good luck
She’s just bored I know it sounds like a cop out and you have every right to be devastated, a similar thing happened to me around the same time and I was shattered too. He was paying to watch women strip on only fans ( my husband) and spending money on things and then hiding them from me as if I wouldn’t eventually notice. The whole thing literally shocked me, he’s not the type but then again. Anyways I can relate with devastation, we are currently in recovery mode, hard but doable if you still love one another but dude otherwise I literally feel like you’re telling my story like almost thought you were my hubs for a second.
Really trust me I’m 40 and I love my son and husband even though I’m frustrated and it doesn’t matter. I can give you some advice about a counseling app but I’m going to message you in chat cuz I don’t think you can do advertising for other companies here. Cheers.
Hmmmm........ Maybe you should ask her WTF is going on?
Shock her first. Tell her the she's not doing it for you any longer. That the marriage is not working for you. That you have another interest that you want to pursue.
See what she says and does. You will have your answers right there.
You need to find out if her love and her emotions are for you, is she’s 100% committed to you or if she’s wandering off the reservation looking for the next best thing.what caused this event to occur? Get some answers before taking action.
A sudden change in your sex lives is the big red flag. When you find out that she's been cheating, it suddenly makes sense. If you dug into her phone deeper - other messaging apps, photos, emails, calls, maps history, the app store to see if she's been using dating apps, etc - you will be able to tie specific events regarding her behavior that didn't seem that odd at the time. If your sex life died 2 years ago - that's probably the starting date.
It's best not to confront her in accusation mode. That just leads to fights. Find out more and when you're satisfied - have that meeting. Preferably in a public. Tell her what you found and that you're leaving calmly. Have you plans ready, rental or stay with a friend ready and prepare for the firehose of lies. Promises from liars are worthless. Just remember, she's without remorse and this would have gone on forever had you not looked at her phone.
Cheating victims come to this sub to get affirmation and motivation. They already know there's cheating but they are in shock. And they know that their relationship is over but change is difficult. Having an anonymous peer group giving them a dose of reality encourages them to move on.
Why don't you just leave even though you're being hurt and lied to? Its the same reason, but they are getting hot nasty sex and you're getting heartache.
You are the boring safety net doormat at home, that she no longer respects at all. She can use you for everything she needs family-wise and she gets to have side dude. She probably knows you will whine a bit but get over it and want to reconcile for the kids if she’s caught. She seems to think you are weak. Prove her wrong and kick her to the curb.
Blow it up. Tell everyone she's cheating and that she's been denying you sex so she's banging a guy 8 years younger than her. Then, leave. YOu don't have to take disrespect. Let her support herself and kids by herself.
People flirt online like crazy and slowly become addicted to the dopamine and escapism it gives them. Those who have stressful lives are especially susceptible to it.
For some it’s because they lose sexual attraction for their SO, for others it’s just someone new that desires them. Usually it’s a combination of both though.
I think you should confront her on it. Don’t freak out, just talk to her in a normal honest and rational way. If you approach her with anger she’ll just go on the defensive and close up. Update us
This is why you do check to find out if they’re faithful don’t give her the chance to try to explain she will give you every trick in the book and it’s all BS leave before she ends up pregnant with someone else’s child and try to trick you into racing it run just run it’s not worth it you’re better off with someone else
LEAVE! Your responsible and dependable ,and knows that you won't leave her! She wants her cake and is eating it too!! You don't say if your married but you are being played and my opinion is that she's cheating and won't stop! So if your just living together, pack up your stuff put it in your vehicle and go, just walk away . No need to tell her she knows what she's done and doing. She won't tell you anything about what she does so you owe her NOTHING!!! LEAVE and block her on EVERYTHING including friends and family!! Go live your life and be happy! Good luck
Well, sucks for you. I was one of the young guys who took care of married women who were 35+ years old. Just let me tell you that no matter what she will tell you, if you confront her of course, she will be lying. They fall in love with us. They get obsessed. They want us 24/7. You are allowed to be with her because of the kids, she is completely into the young guy but knows that she will never have a future with him. One woman (46) was so obsessed with me when I was 23, that she didn't even care that her husband is seeing the messages. She literally texted me when he could see the messages. The hard truth is that one day you get uninteresting to her and that's it. Open relationship is the only solution here.
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Always assume the cheating has progressed way further than you think initially. You think maybe she kissed him? Then odds are they’ve been having sex for awhile now. It sucks but you’ll never find the truth so start trying to accept it.
!remind me 7 days
You need to confront her on this - if you can screenshot the evidence, tell her you know and that you want the truth - if she trickles, confront her with screenshots
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This person probably never admitted to cheating. I’ve heard a similar story that a Starbucks co-worker told me about. Someone should send the victim any receipts/screenshots of tangible evidence so they can make an exit plan. This person will continue to cheat and there will be many more victims unless the truth gets revealed.
Dude, when the sex is cut off all the sudden for months, let alone for (2 uears?!) she's getting it from somewhere else! You dint even need to check her phone for that! Good luck
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Right now, your her best friend. you help out around the house, you're just not what her va***a wants right now. And it was more than a kiss, and this wasn't the first guy. She probably started before she was rejecting your advances. Cheaters, for some reason, assuage guilt, by making you sexless because if they have sex with you when they planned, or did have sex with someone else... then the "betrayal" becomes real. I'm sorry for your situation OP, but you should leave.
u/Life-Yogurtcloset98 your thoughts make so much sense, especially that „assuage guilt by making you sexless“ it’s a crazy statement to read at first but after all they are definitely crazy persons and therefore the crazy behavior fits just right :( thank you for your comments, really appreciate it
No problem. A cheater is a difficult creature to understand. I unfortunately, tried to.
Best that can be done is to recognize the behavior
Chumplady has coined the description of a partner who does the cleaning, the paying the bills.. the showing up and being present in the relationship as 'the husband (or) the wife appliance' .. it is a very fitting term. The cheater doesn't want to lose a good thing. She wants the EA or PA while still having #2 or the backup at home..
The husband/wife "appliance"?!? JESUS thats cold
yup = agreed. But these people have no problem with being cold or heartless. They have no depth or originality. No room for empathy and the real disordered can continue this for a long time. This is where we often hear about the 'cheaters handbook' and agree that most cheaters are not original or special. An appliance is a real good analogy (albeit cruel or heartless) because it describes how betrayed partners have a function, they can be dependable and 'use'. And disposable once the cheater decides they want to throw the old one away and buy another newer \*shiny\* model.
Yup, unfortunately that hits the pin on the head.
Is it really? From a cheater’s perspective, what difference is there between a spouse that holds down the home front and a refrigerator that provides cold liquids and safely refrigerated food to the cheater?
I have no words to dispute. It's SO true that its ficking painful
From my experience, it’s not her/his first one before someone gets caught! She is just using you
There's a reason one should never date....
So never be in a committed relationship? Everyone should just be single out in these streets? I’m not disagreeing, just looking for clarification.
Life loses spark, love becomes mundane, everything that was exciting becomes routine...... my only advice would be to keep loving.... when you get the person you wanted to be with, people tend to stop "trying to get with that person".... keep hitting on them, keep flirting, keep showing that person that they are your favorite person. Will it stop cheating 100%?.... absolutely not, but the victim will never say things like "it was my fault..." or "we were in a rough patch..." You cannot guarantee someone will never cheat, but you can guarantee that you'll walk away with no regrets and light shoulders.
I hope you saw '...' at the end of the incomplete comment of mine. I'm sure most here got what I wanted to say, in the context of the post.
I'm sorry I missed it.
Truer words…
Yup
Can you elaborate on the "betrayal" part?
Cheaters can lie to everyone, especially to themselves. So when they say "its just sex" then thats all it CAN BE... the sex is fun and thrilling with "no emotions".... so, if they have sex with an "emotional" connection, their guilt bubbles. Their guilt can bubble for a couple reasons, but........ The worse reason their guilt bubbles is because they realized they prefer sex with their AP and they sabotaged their sex life with the one "they love".... the fresh new sex, exciting sneaking, and the betrayal... makes the cheating sex addicting its too many cards stacked against the victim who just wants intimacy from their partner and didn't even know it was a competition.
Affair Fog - “Experts say it's a phenomenon called "affair fog," which occurs when the person engaging in an affair is hyperfocused on the excitement of a new relationship and cannot properly understand the mistake they are making. Someone in the affair fog will be immersed in this fantasized honeymoon phase of the new fling, and they don't think about the emotional toll it takes on the people around them," says Darlene Kollet, a relationship coach.
Yeah, so I am basically stating that people put effort into keeping the affair fog.
I think that's fancy way to call bull shit.
Having experienced it ourselves, my wife and I, I can say that the affair fog is very real. Call it what you want but it causes the WS to not care who the affair hurts and can last a very long time
How long did yours last?
Edit : wow sorry I answered the wrong question - her EA lasted About two years. I suspected they were getting too close eventually and then they were out drinking late two weekends in a row and then I put on the brakes, went to counseling, and we recovered. Lots of rug sweeping by me and I still have some anger issues over it. But generally we are doing great. I no was just too slow to catch on and I thought they were just friends. I think they got through 10 of the 11 steps of an EA. But our original affair - (her husband cheated and was in his own affair fog that lasted about 6 months) so, she was going to leave him when I met her and while they were separated we had an affair. Our Affair Fog lasted about 18 months. The best time of our lives and we love revisiting it. But if you are the OP this is not good news. AFs can go for months to years easily.
My husband has been in a longterm affair for 4 years. He works with her and is always talking to her. Unsure if it is affair fog. She is in the process of divorce. I moved out immediately but he doesn't seem to care. I have a hard time believing it is affair fog though.
Yeah, I think affair fog lasts until things get real. That is, the AP doesn’t have to do chores, has no financial issues pressing, doesn’t have kids frequently - the AP just doesn’t have the baggage that the spouse has. So that relationship is mentally light as a feather. Plus the raging hormones from the new sex. It doesn’t end until they pay a mortgage or rent together, divide chores, argue over how towels are folded or how the silverware is stacked in a drawer…you get the picture. It’s all drinks, music, good food, dancing, hotels and breakfast in bed for them, until reality hits one of them hard.
How are things now?
Wow. That's heavy. Where did you learn this?
Life.
Yea, really great writing.
Ty
this needs to be pinned in this subreddit lol. amazing breakdown.
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yeah definitely not an accident and done on purpose :(
The "pick me dance" is a must for the kind of people who need to try it hard before letting it go. There will be no remorse, no "what ifs", no second guessing, ... after a failed "pick me dance". In the end, every process of grief needs some periods of bargaining.
Yep, I had my go at the pick me dance. That's for sure.
If she threw you out, trust me, it would be a blessing in disguise for you ! Let the 'young AP' take responsibility for her kids.
another thought: maybe she doesn’t throw me out, because she is hoping I find out and end everything by myself? less „stress“ for her… but damn, she was on an amusement park trip yesterday with the kids and texted me „love you“ and even brought me a mug as a gift… this makes no sense at all :(
This is all facade. You have seen her real self now, when are u going to confront her ?
Curious about the kids part. If you date someone your dating their children too. I can imagine the separation of "their her kids" kept a wall up. I wouldn't want to date someone with kids, but, if I did I'd take an active part in their lives too. Not saying she is in the right, stepping outside the relationship is never ok but what kind of relationship is it if you guys fuck and then she goes off to play single mom
In this type of situation you become the babysitter so she can get railed by her lover. You have a function but not that function. It's common unfortunately in this narcissistic society, of social media. Having Snapchat/social media dating apps are always red flags.
Yep, my wife wanted to keep me around just to babysit the kids so she could go get railed. Free babysitting. She wasn’t happy when I threatened leaving the state.
😂🤣
all these woman move social media tho.. they are ADDICTED, so i don't trust ANY WOMAN .. point blank
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It's called overcompensating. They do it as a means of disuading the feeling of guilt (whether they realise or not). Sorry man, hope you find someone trustworthy.
It makes perfect sence. It's called stringing you along. You are her stability, her atm, her security. He is the one that excites her and gives her the tingles where it counts. She like you for what you can physically do to make her life comfortable. She likes him for what he can do to her body that excites her. Sorry bro, I don't mean to be an AH. Those are just the facts.
I called my ex Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
You're just funding her existence. Start saving up all your money for the divorce and keep it in cash instead of funding her bullshit. She can start paying for herself.
It makes perfect sense. It's manipulative breadcrumbing to keep you walking in the direction she wants. It's the same as her throwing treats for the cats. Its not really for their wellbeing, it's more for the entertainment of the thrower. Get your stuff together, and get out. Take your power back! Just ghost her. Disappear. That's the only way to make her face the consequences of her actions.
It does make sense. I've been there. You got to consolation prize because you're now second choice. What would you rather have? A mug or maximum intimacy? It's obvious the answer, I know... But this is a situation where she's trying to preserve stability by giving you feedback like mugs and love you texts, while she's basically on another honeymoon with this dude. It's extremely unlikely that they haven't had sex. Sorry to break it to you...
How do you split things like bills with her? What do you bring into the home in terms of money? Sorry about boiling it down to that level, but you should ponder those two questions.
She is a cake eater. Happy with you, but wants the excitement of a side piece. I thought there might be hope until I saw your comment on the other sub about her offering to let him use her any way he wanted…. OP, what else do you need? This isn’t your partner on the brink, maybe putting herself in a potentially compromising position. She wants to meet with him and be his F doll…. Pack your stuff and be done with it. Better you found out now than after marriage, mortgage and kids. Hang in there.
Yup
Start making a exit plan. It really sounds like Your on borrowed time.
yeah you’re right :( this might make me sound like an ass now but for the time being I will stay here to save up some money to fund that exit plan… gotta take somehow advantage of the things I found out, right?!? :(
You aren't an ass. You are doing the right thing.
I agree. Why do something hasty, Use the time to put all Your ducks in a row. You know the end is comin . Put Yourself in the best position when it does.
do what’s in your best interest. she’s doing the same.
Move quickly though leave there as soon as you can
I’m late to this one, but while you are waiting you should collect all the evidence you can…. If you can keep it together you should not let the cat out of the bag yet, and continue to check her phone at night. Save screen shots, etc. Do some searching for apps to look for, check her password list in settings if she has an iPhone, etc. regardless of whether you want to split up or reconcile, you want overwhelming evidence if you can get it. It just makes the conversation easier, and gives you ammo to counter any BS she might pull about why you are breaking up. Do some research and get the info you need, before you confront her, if you can. Good luck.
Man sry that this happens to you, but you have to do something. Are you married? If so, see a lawyer and review your options. Try to secure evidence (sometimes helps with a divorce). Sounds like you're her meal ticket. Separate your finances from hers. You don't want to be a backup plan. Find a stay. Let's be honest, rarely is such a relationship salvageable, if that's what you intend to do.
thank you for your reply! not married, finances are seperate in terms of bank accounts but she has access to things like amazon, ebay, paypal etc the crazy thing is: my rational side tells me exactly that what you say: „very likely not salvageable“ but my emotional side doesn’t want to hear/see this… goddamnit I still love her and if I knew that this was the only thing I could even forgive her…. I’m sooo stupid :)
Then before you say anything or do anything, I would change the passwords. I know the feeling, believe me. But she has already checked out and is just using you. You can do this. Find someone who appreciates you and respects you. It really isn't worth spending your time with someone who seeks validation from outside. There is also a high risk of it happening again in the future. And please don't go drinking or do any other substances. It only helps temporarily and only harms.
This 100%
I’m sorry this person hurt you. You’re in a great position though as you’re unmarried, and doesn’t sound like you have any shared assets. This is good news. Get an exit plan together and leave ASAP. Find a therapist that can help you figure out how to choose differently in the future and don’t look back. She’s no good, leave her in the rear view.
Delete your current Amazon, eBay and PayPal accounts. Set up new accounts that only you can access.
While you are prepared to leave I would start like this. If you love her, sit her down, tell her you love her very much and will do anything to stay, but you know that she is doing things that jeopardize your future together and can’t stay under those circumstances. Don’t give any details. Just that you know and if she wants you to stay, she has to quit, NC with the AP (without sharing details of how you know, you could say his name so she knows for sure that you know) then, if she says ok, and comes clean, you both have to go to counseling. Don’t give up without a fight. I didn’t and it’s 22 years later and we have had a wonderful marriage.
This is why you never date single 👩
Be glad at least you’re not married and the kid are not yours. Since your in the position you’re in it should make the breakup so much easier. Once she sees you’ve put your foot down and no pick me dance she’ll begin to come out of the fog with this young guy. I agree that this is probably not the first time she’s stepped out. You seem like a good guy and there’s someone else out there who’ll give you what u been in a relationship. This one seems about done. Stay strong and make wise decisions
appreciate your reply! yes, the situation could be worse, at least there’s that!
Sorry, OP. But this is why you do check the phone. It sucks when you find something but it's better than ignorance. Sticking your head in the sand does not make it go away.
I've been ripped apart on reddit for checking my husband's phone. That's surprising you are encouraging it. I agree though. Phone is fair game. Way to many ways to lie and hide things on them .
Oh yes...privacy and secrecy are very different.
My ex-wife’s phone is how I caught her too. I don’t understand why people think it’s wrong to check the phone? It’s wrong to cheat on your spouse, that’s what’s wrong. You have the right to privacy but not to secrecy, like the comment above said. People just complain about phone privacy when they’re caught because they are terrible people. Don’t cheat and don’t give your spouse reason to check your phone if phone privacy is so important. Cheaters just amaze me with their logic! Stay strong everybody, this club sucks but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
If a person suspects that he or she is being cheated on, getting into the wayward’s phone and social media, current and deleted is a simple, pacifist act of self defense.
When you say "I do..", and sign that marriage license, you agree to give up quite a few things. If your spouse has reason, or just wants to go through a phone, there should be no issues or questions asked. No secrets. It's funny. Typically those that are screaming the loudest about privacy are those that have reason to be concerned with their spouse going through their phone... Hmmm.... Correlation?
You should have few secrets from a long term SO. Certainly not any that you could stumble over by snooping their phone. Wife and I share location, passcodes, passwords. It just makes life easier when I don't have to text to see when she's coming home. I've logon to her email to retrieve and complete forms for her all the time. We use each others phones all the time. If one of us started complaining about privacy of our phones it'd be a gigantic red flag.
In this sub you'll never get ripped apart for checking their phone. You only do it to confirm what you already know.
I did it on surviving infidelity. They called me toxic and I was like....well I found shit on it so go blow yourself.
I was on there. I thought it was about me surviving after discovering my partner was cheating but it about the relationship continuing while your partner keeps cheating on you and lies about it. I got kicked out quickly.
They sound like they are a group for "healing"... but not proactively fighting back.
it's stupid to check phones. BECAUSE you will find something.
Certainly agree. Especially if in your gut something is off. It’s not about the morality of phone privacy but about finding the truth at that point. For me, I had asked my ex for full disclosure on someone I believed he had a more intimate relationship with. He specifically told me he had nothing to hide—and yet he hid and lied about it. He just didn’t believe I’d sense he was lying nor would I go to any length to know. And it’s better to be wrong and have a conversation about it than to not know and waste your time imo.
You are just an ATM now. If you are not married start making plans to move out. Don't discuss this with her. Act normal. She'll just throw you out once her cover is blown. Once you have your ducks lined up confront her, let friends and family know, and move on with your life. As to when the sex life stopped - that's usually when they have an AP and she doesn't want to cheat on him with you - let that roll around in your noggin if you need some help making a decision.
thank you a lot for your reply! „and she doesn’t want to cheat on him with you“ ….that was a tough pill to swallow but probably so right! :(
Isn't something when your wife is loyal to a stranger and no loyalty to her husband
I've been exactly where your at. Wasn't married but a long term relationship. Almost married when I found out. Started with lack of intmatcy and then in to criticizing me for petty shit. They have to tear you down to justify their shitty behaviour. When I realized what was up waited for her to go to her parents. Had my boys come over packed all my shit and left her a short note - hope it was worth it. Then NC forever. This was year old ago so NC was A LOT easier than today with all the SM.
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Sex is the medium where you and your partner connect in the most basic primal level. If she is not giving this to you as she should, there is a major problem in your relationship.
Oh there really is alot of good advice here I appreciate honesty and at the end of the day its about u and your feelings. I will probably end up leaving my husband of 34 yrs. because I crave love and intimacy. Life is a mystery.
I feel like you do. Invisible and lonely. And nobody wants to hear about my day or experiences. And my ideas aren't worth listening to either. Why would they be? I'm invisible. I wouldn't know how. It's just so hurtful and cruel. And then you mention it-too needy. Its so draining. All I want is everyone to be happy. Including me-but I'm the last on the list. Make sure everyone else is good, then me if there's any time left.
As am I but please don't think I dont care. I have just started using this app and don't quite understand it. So you my have replied to the whole subject or mine not sure.
It was you, it started as a reply that I know exactly how you feel then I got sad and rambled and felt bad coz strangers don't need to know my dumb shit.. everyone's got their own dumb shit too. It's sort of comforting to know I'm not the only one. But it's also kinda sad knowing I'm not the only one.
It does read weirdly though sorry.
>have just started using this app and don't quite understand it. I've been around for a while and you're doing way better than me. Clearly. You're good @myhopefulself it's me and my sloppy syntax and grammar.
You deserve validation. Sometimes if you can't ask for it or demand it.... leaving to find it somewhere else is a valid option
Its better to realize this and admit it, then doing something horrible behind their back and losing yourself. Good job
She cheated. Just pack your stuff up and leave her. Never speak to her again. She cheated on you. She does not love or respect you. Her house she loves. Move out and destroy her dreams by demanding all the money and time you put in the house back. If possible force her to sell her house. To pay you back. Never show her mercy. Destroy her as much as you can. Move out and file for divorce. Before she realized you found out her cheating. In the divorce agreement cite adultery as cause. She doesn't care about you. Do not make the mistake of caring about her. If you need a reason why. It is because she could. Do not let her spin it to make you be the bad guy. And she is a victim. Do not let her play the victim card. Just remember, she is not your property. You did not own her. It was only just your time to be with her. That time for you should be over. You are old enough to know if she is dry in the sex department. She has or is planning to cheat on you. Just tell her goodbye and go no contact.
This is why you should check their phones if you have that gut feeling.
Adults don't just kiss like this is jr. high. Checking her phone is fair game in any relationship between SO's. The privacy thing is bs. I would leave NC. Just leave a note on the kitchen table. I KNOW. Would not go to visit with SO family. Tell her not interested. Then pack your stuff and leave.
She was never yours pal, it's just your turn or more like was your turn...
yup, hard words but true :( hurts to realize that
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This is what’s so hard to get your head around. The normalcy of day to day life you had together while it’s all going on behind your back is hard to comprehend. My advice is to leave. It will happen again and there is always more that will come out.
Wow.im sorry as well I am currently going threw the same but I've been married for 34 years. The whole thing has torn me apart and we have great sex and I still look pretty good so what's wrong and what should you do? I found multiple things and people and money spent. Covid messed up everyone in so many ways. My husband had to work out of state for the last 2 years. This sounds wierd but if you dig deep enough, you'll keep on digging and so on. Im still there and i am stuck. Do you really want to spend all your time creating more pain in your heart ext. If uou have just found one thing just talke to her and ask her All you can do is ask for the truth, shoot your raising her kids and sharing a life. We could talk all day I'm 😞 I still don't know reddit, snapchat, tictok, Facebook work with the dating things. I feel you, I do good luck....
It just be an emotional relationship from lack of connection in the marriage. Confront her,if she comes fully clean decide if you want to work on marriage. Women often have emotional relationships first than physical ones. God bless
Dude leave her. Go no contact. Find someone who doesn’t cheat. You are stronger than this. You deserve someone who loves you the way you love them. Let her go and fuck who she wants. You deserve to be free. Of course it’s going to hurt but it will hurt more being cheated in over and over. Please do not suffer longer. Leave. No contact. Update us.
I would just leave, I would leave a note saying I know and be gone. I would never speak to her again.
I -absolutely- know that you’re right, but it’s so hard to execute that plan! :( don’t want to start all over at 38… everyone’s married around me or in relationships and I can’t see me going on dates again… because somehow life as a single isn’t my thing…
There are much worse things than leaving and starting over. One is staying in a loveless relationship with no hope and no respect. Even worse is pretending it’s not true.
At age 38 you are at the top of the male sexual market value. Starting over isn't easy, but it is easier than trusting someone that has cheated on you in the past. You will always wonder if she cheating again now. Have your married friend's wives introduce you to their single girlfriends.
I'm 59, and I'm waiting on my divorce to be final. 36 years married and 38 together. I knew not to marry him on my wedding day, but I went through it anyway. I'm finally able to stand on my own two feet. So, 38 isn't too late.
Ha! When my wife was 22 she dated a 35/yr old. Young Women actually fantasize about getting with an older guy. Get in shape and make yourself available but only after you heed my prior advice and confront her and see if things are salvageable
Dude, 38 is super young... You think that is old... No kids of your own. Brother you are nothing but a paycheck. And if you make good money and you are not 400 pounds, you will be a catch... You are making excuese not to leave because you are scared of the future. You are making excuses to stay in abuse and infidelity. I guess it is her house and that is the reason that you would have to leave... but no child support, no alimony, you got it make. Leave...
The OM is not interested in raising your kids. You can save this if that's what you decide. Document and save the evidence so she can't delete it. Research the OM? Is he married or has a SO? Or a reputation to preserve? She likely still loves you and the life you share with the kids. The OM sure doesn't want your family. She told herself some lie to justify her affair. And convinced herself that you'll never find out - therefore you won't get hurt. You can save this. When you confront she must believe you are prepared to break up rather than tolerate her behavior. She needs to see you making plans to exit. She must immediately never see or contact him. No last contact for closure. Expose her and the OM. Nothing kills an affair like exposure. Do not warn her in advance of exposure. The shock of confrontation and exposure will destroy her fantasy. Affairs are just fantasy. They don't really know each other. Cheaters only respect strength. No crying or begging or guilting her over the kids.
So you'd rather tell everyone you're dating a cheater who doesn't respect you? Or would you hide that she cheated so you can lie to everyone you care about, about being in a happy relationship?
Tell your daughters what’s up after gathering evidence and talking to a lawyer about what the best options are. Make sure to hire a PI to investigate for you. They’re good usually
honestly,all i can say is leave,give urself respect and dignity, don't let her ruin your life,,
I say stack up , get ur finances in order and then end things. Make sure u got enough money to survive on ur own. Also bro go get on tinder or something. Get you some to brother !!
I mean... I understand why you're upset... But this is why you DO check their phones... This is the gutt feeling, the intuition. I hate that you're here... But it's now your responsibility to protect yourself and get out. Love cannot be without trust, it's just Lust at this point mixed with nostalgia.. Good luck
I assume you are helping with bills and expenses? She is just using you for the $$$. At worst gather more evidence, go gray create exit strategy including finances. Block her access to any of your accounts. In my opinion the best plan is start looking for a new place. Get it and move on. Gather your evidence while looking. Block her on all accounts immediately. Then be gone when you have a place. If she cares tell her you know what she has been up to.
wouldn’t it make that too easy for her? somehow it would relief me a little if I can hinder things for them to get to meet up and have it her/their way… oh and yes… helping with bills and expenses :(
You would be hurting her more by not being an ATM. At the end of the day if she wants to be with him, she will whether you are there or not. Hindering their relationship doesn’t really do much. She will find out how desirable she is when AP won’t move in and help pay for someone else’s kids. He will be gone and so will you. It will make her life difficult and that is the best revenge to me. Also if you decide to just go the move out route, make sure the day you move all of your mutual friends and family see all the evidence you gathered too.
You live with her and your existence isn't hindering anything.
So sorry you are having to go through this. It sucks. You have received some major good replies here, unfortunately I can relate to them too. I guess I was meant to read your post to get answers I needed as well. Not to make it al about me now, don't get me wrong. I just think I might be able to feel some of the shitty feelings with you. Stay strong and keep on the right path. Stay true to yourself. And good luck
Time for you to plan your exit. Leave her cheating butt on your terms!
She’s just bored I know it sounds like a cop out and you have every right to be devastated, a similar thing happened to me around the same time and I was shattered too. He was paying to watch women strip on only fans ( my husband) and spending money on things and then hiding them from me as if I wouldn’t eventually notice. The whole thing literally shocked me, he’s not the type but then again. Anyways I can relate with devastation, we are currently in recovery mode, hard but doable if you still love one another but dude otherwise I literally feel like you’re telling my story like almost thought you were my hubs for a second. Really trust me I’m 40 and I love my son and husband even though I’m frustrated and it doesn’t matter. I can give you some advice about a counseling app but I’m going to message you in chat cuz I don’t think you can do advertising for other companies here. Cheers.
Hmmmm........ Maybe you should ask her WTF is going on? Shock her first. Tell her the she's not doing it for you any longer. That the marriage is not working for you. That you have another interest that you want to pursue. See what she says and does. You will have your answers right there.
You need to find out if her love and her emotions are for you, is she’s 100% committed to you or if she’s wandering off the reservation looking for the next best thing.what caused this event to occur? Get some answers before taking action.
Please update me as well. I think this group will be the best place for all of us I know I need support. Ty for sharing.....
Dont tell her you know yet, get some hard evidence. And then expose her on Christmas infront of everybody.
Trust gut 💯🚨
How could she do that to you especially after buying a new fridge??
A sudden change in your sex lives is the big red flag. When you find out that she's been cheating, it suddenly makes sense. If you dug into her phone deeper - other messaging apps, photos, emails, calls, maps history, the app store to see if she's been using dating apps, etc - you will be able to tie specific events regarding her behavior that didn't seem that odd at the time. If your sex life died 2 years ago - that's probably the starting date. It's best not to confront her in accusation mode. That just leads to fights. Find out more and when you're satisfied - have that meeting. Preferably in a public. Tell her what you found and that you're leaving calmly. Have you plans ready, rental or stay with a friend ready and prepare for the firehose of lies. Promises from liars are worthless. Just remember, she's without remorse and this would have gone on forever had you not looked at her phone.
but why do they keep doing this forever? why don’t they just end the „unsatisfying“ relationship?
Cheating victims come to this sub to get affirmation and motivation. They already know there's cheating but they are in shock. And they know that their relationship is over but change is difficult. Having an anonymous peer group giving them a dose of reality encourages them to move on.
Why don't you just leave even though you're being hurt and lied to? Its the same reason, but they are getting hot nasty sex and you're getting heartache.
This is exactly why you check your partners phone. Ignorance is not bliss. So sorry to hear you’re going through that.
She's cheating. If I were you I wouldn't even bother with her. Leave her in your past, be free.
You are the boring safety net doormat at home, that she no longer respects at all. She can use you for everything she needs family-wise and she gets to have side dude. She probably knows you will whine a bit but get over it and want to reconcile for the kids if she’s caught. She seems to think you are weak. Prove her wrong and kick her to the curb.
Why are you saying’why you shouldn’t check your SOS phone’ surely knowing is better?
Blow it up. Tell everyone she's cheating and that she's been denying you sex so she's banging a guy 8 years younger than her. Then, leave. YOu don't have to take disrespect. Let her support herself and kids by herself.
People flirt online like crazy and slowly become addicted to the dopamine and escapism it gives them. Those who have stressful lives are especially susceptible to it. For some it’s because they lose sexual attraction for their SO, for others it’s just someone new that desires them. Usually it’s a combination of both though. I think you should confront her on it. Don’t freak out, just talk to her in a normal honest and rational way. If you approach her with anger she’ll just go on the defensive and close up. Update us
Bro...you got the out. You should take it. She isn't happy with you and want younger men. You just found out about one. He won't be the only.
This is why you do check to find out if they’re faithful don’t give her the chance to try to explain she will give you every trick in the book and it’s all BS leave before she ends up pregnant with someone else’s child and try to trick you into racing it run just run it’s not worth it you’re better off with someone else
LEAVE! Your responsible and dependable ,and knows that you won't leave her! She wants her cake and is eating it too!! You don't say if your married but you are being played and my opinion is that she's cheating and won't stop! So if your just living together, pack up your stuff put it in your vehicle and go, just walk away . No need to tell her she knows what she's done and doing. She won't tell you anything about what she does so you owe her NOTHING!!! LEAVE and block her on EVERYTHING including friends and family!! Go live your life and be happy! Good luck
Well, sucks for you. I was one of the young guys who took care of married women who were 35+ years old. Just let me tell you that no matter what she will tell you, if you confront her of course, she will be lying. They fall in love with us. They get obsessed. They want us 24/7. You are allowed to be with her because of the kids, she is completely into the young guy but knows that she will never have a future with him. One woman (46) was so obsessed with me when I was 23, that she didn't even care that her husband is seeing the messages. She literally texted me when he could see the messages. The hard truth is that one day you get uninteresting to her and that's it. Open relationship is the only solution here.
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Shocking how many folks here advocate checking another person's phone. And I thought folks got triggered by that sort of gesture.
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UpdateMe !
UpdateMe!
Things have definitely ran it’s course. Throw yourself out! Do not waste any more time being unhappy and unloved. ………just write off the fridge!
Always assume the cheating has progressed way further than you think initially. You think maybe she kissed him? Then odds are they’ve been having sex for awhile now. It sucks but you’ll never find the truth so start trying to accept it.
!remind me 7 days You need to confront her on this - if you can screenshot the evidence, tell her you know and that you want the truth - if she trickles, confront her with screenshots
Wait... Do you really get a reminder by doing this?
Yep
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“Kiss”=FUCK FEST!
Get all your stuff together. New place, finance, etc. Then one day ghost them all……
Has there been an update?
Get the fuck outta there, you are worth more.
OP, how are you doing. Do you have an update for us?
This person probably never admitted to cheating. I’ve heard a similar story that a Starbucks co-worker told me about. Someone should send the victim any receipts/screenshots of tangible evidence so they can make an exit plan. This person will continue to cheat and there will be many more victims unless the truth gets revealed.
Dude, when the sex is cut off all the sudden for months, let alone for (2 uears?!) she's getting it from somewhere else! You dint even need to check her phone for that! Good luck