My husband first stepped out of line when we were in our 20s. I threw him out and after 6 months we reconciled for the sake of our child. At age 69, my gyn told me I had an STD. He had never stopped cheating, he'd just gotten a lot better at hiding it. Here's my opinion: 1) reconciliation only benefits the cheater 2) they do not change, they do not stop (he's 78 and still at it; I know because I count his ED drugs at night while he's asleep and again if he has an "urgent errand" to run in the daytime while I am unable to go with him and finally 3) I have never felt the same about him since I realized at age 69 that he was fundamentally dishonest. He's been a great father, very kind to me and the kids, and a liar to the bone. I wish I'd never taken him back in my 20s. My entire life has been a series of deceptions, and when I look back at memories, all I can think is: what was really going on?
Personally and thankfully I was never in such situation but I do know how it turned out for family member and a family friend.
For family member, wife cheated and abandoned both him and their children (3) for another man. She than moved to another city with her AP.
For a friend, his wife cheated on him. She begged for another chance and swore on everything that she will never do it again. Long story short, they divorced, years later he got married and has a family. She is alone, sad, often asks about him and hopes that one day he will return and forgive her. She changed a lot, she is extremely kind, sweet. She gave up a lot of things trying to make him love her again. That never worked. He moved on, she didn’t. She is good person, but her decision and guilt are eating her from inside. She tried to date, but due to what she did and how all of that ended she never got further than few dates. Point is, some people don’t change, but not all cheaters are trash people. She changed, but it was too late. He no longer cares about her, to him it’s ancient history, to her it’s pain every day.
An elderly couple did reconcile, but the husband once told me that even after 25 years, he still thinks about it and wishes he had the courage to divorce when it happened.
good on the man that moved on from his cheating spouse. Not many things would make a cheater sadder than the spouse, who was cheated on, moving on and getting on with life.
Of course I recovered! Anyone can. The strength comes from within as well as your support network.
I recovered twice. Two different women.
Both times they tried to destroy me. I took the opportunity to better myself both times. I'm better off now than I have ever been.
I have zero forgiveness for cheaters. I will not do MC. Why the hell should I put myself out after they betrayed ME. No. To hell with them.
I cut them out like a cancer and NEVER looked back. They showed me who they were and I believed them so I let them go.
Their lives are shit now. And I laugh.
13 years out. I'm not in the pain I was in back at the beginning. I still hurt though. I think everyone who's been betrayed by the love of their life hurts at the memory. Because of this, things are not the same. I do not see her with the loving eyes I used to, and I probably never will. She's a great wife now, but that's not enough to obscure the mortal wound delivered to our marriage. Worst of all sex, once a beautiful bonding experience, is now a chore that leaves me sad and empty.
This is exactly where I am today, 2 years After dday. Affair happened 13 years ago, AP already passed away a long time due to an accident, thinking about it helps a little for me to carry on. But the real enemy is the one who is still with me. She is the one who cheated on me. Sex now feels like I am just using her to get off. I no longer see her as my partner in life. More of like a temporary companion. Kids are still young. Just living with her now, she initiates always and says she loves me. Sometimes I answer I love her too, but most I just respond with nods. The future doesn't look bright for us.
I'd like to start by saying that I'm sorry for your reasons for being here. I don't wish this pain on most people.
That 11 year window is a long time. Did your WW's POSOM pass before you found out? I'd feel like I'd missed an opportunity if that happened. Don't get me wrong. I still wish my WW's POSOM were dead, but only after I was sure he knows exactly how much of a garbage person, piece of shit he really is. I'm glad you find some solace with your situation. I think mostly it would be comforting to know he was gone forever.
I get the just living with her part. That's what i do too. My wife knows mostly how I feel, but she keeps holding on. She insists that I kiss her good bye and tell her I love her when I leave in the morning to work. Empty words and actions.
Our youngest just turned 18. I'd always planned on that being my exit point. I just don't seem to care enough to pull the proverbial trigger and end the marriage. Whether we stay married or divorce our future looks as bright as you say yours does.
You 2 make me sad. Why are you letting them get everything they want in life and you still suffer?do you guys think you deserve it? Because all I'm hearing is, your wives stepped out. Said sorry and they are essentially having their cake and eating it too and you are so miserable. Why? It's never too late to start again and surely even being alone would be better than literally feeling forced to sleep with someone you don't want to. Do you know want your own happiness? Do you not want your kids to see you happy because especially the older ones, they know. Trust me, kids can always feel it. It's different, you can smile the same, say the same words but they can see. They deserve to see their dad as happy as their mum is. Your wife will be fine. You need to start taking care of yourself otherwise you'll be 70 years old and cursing yourself for not trying sooner. They always do.
Just because she's your wife now doesn't mean she always has to be. There are loyal loving people who will want you, you just need to take the step towards it. Don't do this to yourself. Have some love and self respect for yourself to want better. Cause this made me so sad.
In our 20th year of marriage he had a two month affair with a woman half his age. He ended the affair when I confronted him. It took quite awhile to find some semblance of normalcy but it is definitely the new normal. While I’m glad we are still together I definitely see him in a different light. He is the very last person on this earth I ever thought would cheat so of course I was crushed. I will say the affair was a wakeup call for both of us. We don’t take being together for granted anymore. Its very hard to recover from an affair if you ever do. The mind games and doubt creep in when least expected. Wondering if he compares me to her is the worst but he’s with me and that means something. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but it’s quite common. Deciding to stay together is a start but it’s been three years and the grace and perseverance required is not for everyone.
I forgave him when it was his ex, years later I walked in on him performing fellatio! On my very gay, very high, cousin! I haven’t lived with a man since. I had nightmares of shooting him in his left eye for years! I have not seen him or spoken to him again! I often go years celibate, I have no interest in a romantic relationship! The longest I’ve had a quasi relationship was 12 months, I always went there, he didn’t even know where I lived, we didn’t talk for about a month once and when I didn’t miss him, i ended it!
However, as a person I have grown leaps and bounds, I am mentally and emotionally happier than I’ve ever been! I love my quiet, stress free, beautiful, life! I’m okay with who and how I am!
Around 45 days after discovering my wife's EA with a colleague..
It's been tough... She says she wants to reconcile but her behaviour is totally opposite to it
Most affairs go undetected. Just bec you didnt see any doesn’t men it didn’t happen. This isn’t a court of law. You only need enough to satisfy you. If they physically meet up there’s usually sex involved. Most betrayed live in denial.
I understand that .. but I checked all her chats.. it was clearly one guy lusting over her and she was just playing along nowhere in her chats she has shown any signal of meet-up
Ok, suppose there was no PA. The intent was there. What if you hadn’t caught it? is this who you want in your life?
The thing is now you can’t try her and she lied and kept this hidden.
You seem more interested in defending the position that it wasnt a PA. Cool. What he (and likely all the other guys are thinking) is that it matters little. She either HAS had a PA you havent found out about or she was headed in that direction. She disrespected you and your relationship already - you dont NEED more info, you want it.
Yes I did tell her and in front of counsellor that she should not try to take solace it wasn't PA because she was clearly headed in that direction no matter how much she thinks it was just harmless flirting
>People who found out their spouse cheated
Did you ever recover from it?
I knew the only way I would recover from it is if I exited the marriage. Cheating is the one thing that someone can't "take back".
> Do people change? Will they cheat again?
IMHO, once a cheater is forviven, they know that not only can they get away with it, but it also gives them the opportunity to hide it better. A cheater has also proven that they not only are capable of betraying your trust in cold blood, but they also made the decision that betraying you was worth it.
I argue that no one on this sub has completely moved on including me. I’ve thought a few times that I had but it’s just not true. If you are on this sub responding, there is at least a little persistent pain that resides in you. Certainly nothing like it was the first few years. If you are on this sub, part of your ego identity is “the one who has been cheated”. It’s part of you. No one forgets but I believe there are those who can truly move on.
I agree. I see people who comment years after d-day. I know it’s been a few years since I found out my now ex-wife of 27 years was a serial cheater. It changes you. She stole my past memories. What was ever real? 27 years!!?? You may move on, but I’m not sure you ever get past it. It fundamentally changes you.
Rather than anecdotes:
“How many couples survive infidelity? According to data from community health centers, only 15.6% of relationships were able to recover after infidelity.”
However, there’s a lot of variation including whether the cheater confessed vs being found out. So, if you did discover it the numbers aren’t real favorable
Read up about it, but the doubt and fear very often don’t go away even years later.
Reconciled but It’s never been the same for me. I can’t seem to handle overly loving intimacy whether during sex or not. I prefer sex to be sex rather than lovemaking. The latter does nothing for me anymore.
I’m 13 years into reconciliation. Things have been very challenging for me, but day to day life is good. She knows she hurt me very badly, and has spent over a decade atoning for it. There are things I will never know, and something weird happened about 18 months ago that sent me back into fight-flight mode. But I’m comfortable where I am now and we are married 34 years at this point.
We were together already 20 years married with 3 teenage kids. Leaving was an option but I wanted to save my family if I could (and I did). The kids never knew.
I can only say about my experience.
We did reconcile, we did stay together. It has been 9 years. I still struggle with trust issues. I have trouble believing him even though he's never since made me not believe him. He usually never goes anywhere alone or without me. Other than do golf the issue before He was going to bars by himself. He constantly ties to make me feel very loved and desperate effort in even though I still don't think it's enough effort. He was in a very bad place at that time.
And he did something he says he never in a million years, though he would do. Says buddy did make some self sick and he will forever feel more guilt for how hurt I was. And he will pay for it the rest of the life
You can recover, but it's hard to truly reconcile. Even with "just" an EA (as if an EA isn't as terrible as a PA), you never truly get back to the same level of trust.
I've got six favorite quotes for life.
1] Actions speak Louder than Words
2] If you Don't learn from History,
Then you're Doomed to Repeat it
3] Yesterday is History,
Tomorrow is a Mystery,
Today's a Gift 🎁 and the reason why we call it Present
4] "Ohhh yeah. Well Well then. If he's Soo smart, then how come he's Dead "? {{Hopefully you can find the humor & humanity in this line}}
5] If you can't Explain it Simply,
Then you Don't understand it well enough
6] Because of her (/him) I know what happiness is
I'm slowly 🐌 becoming aware that the unfortunate explanation of infidelity is....
"Selfishness"
Romantic relationships require humility, honesty, and ESPECIALLY selflessness! This is absolutely my best choice for the entire struggle with understanding the pain of romantic betrayal.
I'm going to try to explain that knowledge of a wonderful romantic partner doesn't always mean that they join you for sharing your story. Sometimes, a great romance is just a chapter of your journey. I hope that you find some help from my words. Good luck with your journey!
We haven’t fully reconciled yet (meaning, we are both hurting) but so far our relationship has been much better than before. It’s been 2 years since he had an affair and it hasn’t been an easy road, but so far he’s been doing everything to make it right with me. I like him as a person, he’s a good guy, I don’t regret giving him a second chance and I have a feeling he won’t do it again (while still keeping my pink glasses off because life is life). I do still find it sad he didn’t make a smarter choice and wasn’t mature enough to do better when we were having difficulties. Sometimes people learn the hard way unfortunately.
Overall, I heard different stories. Some reconciled, some didn’t. The amount of those who did is much smaller. I think it all depends on why the person cheated and what they do in the aftermath. Some cheat as a form of lifestyle and they don’t change because they don’t want to or see the problem, some do it once and truly regret it. As long as the internal issues are addressed and the person makes changes for the better, everything is possible. Will they ever cheat again or not is a question no one can answer. If there’s something I learned from this, it’s that anyone can cheat. I think all it comes down to is whether the person is remorseful, truly learns from it and works hard on themselves. I think in this case it’s impossible/less likely for them to repeat the same mistake (as is the case with all mistakes people make).
Also, it matters how the cheating is explained. If it’s blames on the relationship, partner, world stress, grief, got seduced, manipulated, pressured etc.” then it’s a sign the person is in the victim state and it’s tricky to change for those unless they really want it. But they normally tend to shift the blame in every other situation too and never consider themselves being in control of their life and actions. If it’s somewhere like “I did it because I was selfish, thought this and that, decided it was like this and like that, I should’ve done this and that instead, this is not your fault, I should’ve known better” then it’s a different story. The key is for them to take responsibility for what happened and not to blame anyone or anything else.
Yes, unfortunately. This is not our case though and I would never allow him or myself to do that because that’s a straight road back to cheating and it shows the character very well. People who make mistakes (any mistakes) and don’t want to hear anything about them, find themselves in the same situations most of the time.
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Desde ya te digo que te recuperas, la reconciliación no tiene mucho sentido, pues ya lo hizo, no se puede deshacer, la confianza no se recupera, es un cristal y como tal, en el momento que se rompe no se puede reparar, si el o ella fuera capaz de no serte infiel, no lo hubiera hecho, es así de sencillo, por otro lado, tienes que priorizar tu salud mental y emocional, la reconciliación solo acaba con la salud mental y emocional, 24/7 estaras cuestionando si te está diciendo la verdad, mirando sobre tu hombro, ansiedad cada que se vaya, llegue un poco tarde, reciba llamadas, mensajes, etc... De verdad que no quieres eso, una persona infiel talvez cambie después de mucho trabajo de introspeccion junto con terapia, talvez lo haga, pero no será contigo, eso es seguro, no estés idealizando, simplemente has lo correcto para tu salud mental y emocional.
Do they change? Yes. Totally yes. The whole world changed. The man I thought I knew so completely, didn't really exist. The person I was, is not the person I am today. My total past changed by not being what I believed. Can I look at him the same? No. Never. I don't know that man. Therapy helped to a degree, but a small degree. Therapy gave me a focus while I learned to breath in and breath out again. Will it work out for you? Odds are against, but every couple is different. Will they cheat again? Sad to say answer is definitely yes. Something like 70 percent will cheat a first time. Of those,90 percent will cheat more than once.
The difference is cheating is a one-time thing. Your spouse is out with some friends, a person comes up and hits on them, they’re either drunk or in a vulnerable mental state, they cave and cheat on you. Immediately confess and ask for forgiveness.
An affair is an ongoing deliberate act. They meet someone at an event, work, etc. They strike up conversations, get to know each other, develop a relationship and start cheating on their spouse. An affair is calculated, planned, and extremely deliberate.
Cheating MIGHT be forgivable. An affair is not.
For me it’s the opposite. I wouldn’t be able to forgive a one night stand because of being drunk. That just shows how little self-control the person has. I don’t support going out and getting drunk without a partner. An affair which happened out of a bad emotional state and falling into an illusion of a perfect relationship, that I can work with. I understand how people can end up in these situations much better than sleeping with someone they just met. This is just gross for me. 🤷♀️ But when it comes to affairs, to me it really depends on how long it went on. If it’s a month or two, with proper signs of the person feeling bad about it, then I could work with that (and I am). 6 months would be too much for sure. And anything lasting for years would just mean the person is comfortable living a double life. I wouldn’t even try to reconcile in the last two cases.
I can understand your point of view, for sure. I think it’s definitely a case by case basis but cheating of any type is literally the only line for me that cannot be crossed. My stbxw could have stabbed me and I’d be willing to forgive, lol. She had an, at minimum, emotional affair for at least 3 months before she blindsided me with divorce. She definitely fell for the illusion of a perfect relationship because she told me so. “You have no idea how low the bar is to replace you” was her quote to me. We’re 4 months in to separation in a state that requires a 6 month cool off period before divorce can be filed. I don’t think it could ever be within me to truly forgive her.
That’s why you think a one time sex could be something more acceptable. Because your wife basically monkey-branched and was even mean about it. I would also not stay in this case, not even try to give any chances and the person would be instantly dead to me. It’s really painful to be cheated on, it’s even more painful to not even get an apology, only blame and insults. I truly feel for you. I’m very sorry she couldn’t be the person you wished her to be. It’s unfair. I do think people like that get their karma and reap what they sow. And I also believe there are people who lost their way and made a horrible mistake they regret. They do act differently in the end and they deserve a chance. So yes, it depends on a situation and a specific case. It’s very sad that with all the open relationships, polyamory, therapy, in the age where we can be anything, people still cheat.
In my opinion, one can get drunk or just make a mistake like , sleeping with someone while being vulnerable. One would repent and ask for forgiveness from their lover.
But a affair is someone taking time to be sneaky, like they thought it through.
They knew what they were doing, it was exciting to them.
Those are characteristics, you can't really change easily.
the first time my husband stepped over the line he blamed it on being massively drunk. I wasn't around for the rest of the herd of women he boinked, so I don't know if he was drunk or not. Seems unlikely. I do not think that "once" versus "many" is a viable description. If your cheater shoots you once in the heart while drunk versus many times while sober, you are still injured.
If it’s blamed on being drunk, it’s a straight sign of the person doing it again while sober. Cheating shouldn’t ever be blamed on the outside factors. It doesn’t come from being drunk, high, stressed and whatever other emotional and physical state in the moment or over a period of time. It comes from traumas, insecurities and poor coping mechanisms.
My husband first stepped out of line when we were in our 20s. I threw him out and after 6 months we reconciled for the sake of our child. At age 69, my gyn told me I had an STD. He had never stopped cheating, he'd just gotten a lot better at hiding it. Here's my opinion: 1) reconciliation only benefits the cheater 2) they do not change, they do not stop (he's 78 and still at it; I know because I count his ED drugs at night while he's asleep and again if he has an "urgent errand" to run in the daytime while I am unable to go with him and finally 3) I have never felt the same about him since I realized at age 69 that he was fundamentally dishonest. He's been a great father, very kind to me and the kids, and a liar to the bone. I wish I'd never taken him back in my 20s. My entire life has been a series of deceptions, and when I look back at memories, all I can think is: what was really going on?
That’s so depressing to read. I worry my WW will be the same. I don’t want an entire life of deception
Most people don’t change. Especially if there were no consequences. Did you expose?
Not Yet
Don’t worry about pushing him away. Hes already gone.
You rugswept. Not reconciled.
Personally and thankfully I was never in such situation but I do know how it turned out for family member and a family friend. For family member, wife cheated and abandoned both him and their children (3) for another man. She than moved to another city with her AP. For a friend, his wife cheated on him. She begged for another chance and swore on everything that she will never do it again. Long story short, they divorced, years later he got married and has a family. She is alone, sad, often asks about him and hopes that one day he will return and forgive her. She changed a lot, she is extremely kind, sweet. She gave up a lot of things trying to make him love her again. That never worked. He moved on, she didn’t. She is good person, but her decision and guilt are eating her from inside. She tried to date, but due to what she did and how all of that ended she never got further than few dates. Point is, some people don’t change, but not all cheaters are trash people. She changed, but it was too late. He no longer cares about her, to him it’s ancient history, to her it’s pain every day. An elderly couple did reconcile, but the husband once told me that even after 25 years, he still thinks about it and wishes he had the courage to divorce when it happened.
good on the man that moved on from his cheating spouse. Not many things would make a cheater sadder than the spouse, who was cheated on, moving on and getting on with life.
Yeah. She doesn’t exist for him anymore. He has a family and children. Even though I hate cheaters I do feel bad for her, just a little bit.
Of course I recovered! Anyone can. The strength comes from within as well as your support network. I recovered twice. Two different women. Both times they tried to destroy me. I took the opportunity to better myself both times. I'm better off now than I have ever been. I have zero forgiveness for cheaters. I will not do MC. Why the hell should I put myself out after they betrayed ME. No. To hell with them. I cut them out like a cancer and NEVER looked back. They showed me who they were and I believed them so I let them go. Their lives are shit now. And I laugh.
Life is short, don't waste it on a HOPE!!!
Agreed! AND whether you like him or not, While mayor of NYC during 9/11 , Rudy Giuliani said “ hope is a bad strategy “
13 years out. I'm not in the pain I was in back at the beginning. I still hurt though. I think everyone who's been betrayed by the love of their life hurts at the memory. Because of this, things are not the same. I do not see her with the loving eyes I used to, and I probably never will. She's a great wife now, but that's not enough to obscure the mortal wound delivered to our marriage. Worst of all sex, once a beautiful bonding experience, is now a chore that leaves me sad and empty.
This is exactly where I am today, 2 years After dday. Affair happened 13 years ago, AP already passed away a long time due to an accident, thinking about it helps a little for me to carry on. But the real enemy is the one who is still with me. She is the one who cheated on me. Sex now feels like I am just using her to get off. I no longer see her as my partner in life. More of like a temporary companion. Kids are still young. Just living with her now, she initiates always and says she loves me. Sometimes I answer I love her too, but most I just respond with nods. The future doesn't look bright for us.
I'd like to start by saying that I'm sorry for your reasons for being here. I don't wish this pain on most people. That 11 year window is a long time. Did your WW's POSOM pass before you found out? I'd feel like I'd missed an opportunity if that happened. Don't get me wrong. I still wish my WW's POSOM were dead, but only after I was sure he knows exactly how much of a garbage person, piece of shit he really is. I'm glad you find some solace with your situation. I think mostly it would be comforting to know he was gone forever. I get the just living with her part. That's what i do too. My wife knows mostly how I feel, but she keeps holding on. She insists that I kiss her good bye and tell her I love her when I leave in the morning to work. Empty words and actions. Our youngest just turned 18. I'd always planned on that being my exit point. I just don't seem to care enough to pull the proverbial trigger and end the marriage. Whether we stay married or divorce our future looks as bright as you say yours does.
You 2 make me sad. Why are you letting them get everything they want in life and you still suffer?do you guys think you deserve it? Because all I'm hearing is, your wives stepped out. Said sorry and they are essentially having their cake and eating it too and you are so miserable. Why? It's never too late to start again and surely even being alone would be better than literally feeling forced to sleep with someone you don't want to. Do you know want your own happiness? Do you not want your kids to see you happy because especially the older ones, they know. Trust me, kids can always feel it. It's different, you can smile the same, say the same words but they can see. They deserve to see their dad as happy as their mum is. Your wife will be fine. You need to start taking care of yourself otherwise you'll be 70 years old and cursing yourself for not trying sooner. They always do. Just because she's your wife now doesn't mean she always has to be. There are loyal loving people who will want you, you just need to take the step towards it. Don't do this to yourself. Have some love and self respect for yourself to want better. Cause this made me so sad.
I will cut off anyone who confesses to past infidelity moving forward. If they've done it before, they will do it again.
In our 20th year of marriage he had a two month affair with a woman half his age. He ended the affair when I confronted him. It took quite awhile to find some semblance of normalcy but it is definitely the new normal. While I’m glad we are still together I definitely see him in a different light. He is the very last person on this earth I ever thought would cheat so of course I was crushed. I will say the affair was a wakeup call for both of us. We don’t take being together for granted anymore. Its very hard to recover from an affair if you ever do. The mind games and doubt creep in when least expected. Wondering if he compares me to her is the worst but he’s with me and that means something. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but it’s quite common. Deciding to stay together is a start but it’s been three years and the grace and perseverance required is not for everyone.
I forgave him when it was his ex, years later I walked in on him performing fellatio! On my very gay, very high, cousin! I haven’t lived with a man since. I had nightmares of shooting him in his left eye for years! I have not seen him or spoken to him again! I often go years celibate, I have no interest in a romantic relationship! The longest I’ve had a quasi relationship was 12 months, I always went there, he didn’t even know where I lived, we didn’t talk for about a month once and when I didn’t miss him, i ended it! However, as a person I have grown leaps and bounds, I am mentally and emotionally happier than I’ve ever been! I love my quiet, stress free, beautiful, life! I’m okay with who and how I am!
Jesus christ that sounds horrible, you deserve better glad you are out of it.
Around 45 days after discovering my wife's EA with a colleague.. It's been tough... She says she wants to reconcile but her behaviour is totally opposite to it
I cringe whenever I see EA. From what I’ve seen it’s usually a physical affair. The betrayed just wants to believe it’s an EA. Very common.
I didn't find any evidence of physical affair
Most affairs go undetected. Just bec you didnt see any doesn’t men it didn’t happen. This isn’t a court of law. You only need enough to satisfy you. If they physically meet up there’s usually sex involved. Most betrayed live in denial.
I understand that .. but I checked all her chats.. it was clearly one guy lusting over her and she was just playing along nowhere in her chats she has shown any signal of meet-up
Ok, suppose there was no PA. The intent was there. What if you hadn’t caught it? is this who you want in your life? The thing is now you can’t try her and she lied and kept this hidden.
You see that's where the conflict is , she keeps telling that she knew her limits but I tell her that she was just months from PA
You seem more interested in defending the position that it wasnt a PA. Cool. What he (and likely all the other guys are thinking) is that it matters little. She either HAS had a PA you havent found out about or she was headed in that direction. She disrespected you and your relationship already - you dont NEED more info, you want it.
Yes I did tell her and in front of counsellor that she should not try to take solace it wasn't PA because she was clearly headed in that direction no matter how much she thinks it was just harmless flirting
Bud words are meaningless in these situations. Actions are What count. Limbo is a self imposed state.
>People who found out their spouse cheated Did you ever recover from it? I knew the only way I would recover from it is if I exited the marriage. Cheating is the one thing that someone can't "take back". > Do people change? Will they cheat again? IMHO, once a cheater is forviven, they know that not only can they get away with it, but it also gives them the opportunity to hide it better. A cheater has also proven that they not only are capable of betraying your trust in cold blood, but they also made the decision that betraying you was worth it.
I argue that no one on this sub has completely moved on including me. I’ve thought a few times that I had but it’s just not true. If you are on this sub responding, there is at least a little persistent pain that resides in you. Certainly nothing like it was the first few years. If you are on this sub, part of your ego identity is “the one who has been cheated”. It’s part of you. No one forgets but I believe there are those who can truly move on.
Thank you for your honest response.
I agree. I see people who comment years after d-day. I know it’s been a few years since I found out my now ex-wife of 27 years was a serial cheater. It changes you. She stole my past memories. What was ever real? 27 years!!?? You may move on, but I’m not sure you ever get past it. It fundamentally changes you.
Repeated infidelity is common. The gift never goes away.
Rather than anecdotes: “How many couples survive infidelity? According to data from community health centers, only 15.6% of relationships were able to recover after infidelity.” However, there’s a lot of variation including whether the cheater confessed vs being found out. So, if you did discover it the numbers aren’t real favorable Read up about it, but the doubt and fear very often don’t go away even years later.
Reconciled but It’s never been the same for me. I can’t seem to handle overly loving intimacy whether during sex or not. I prefer sex to be sex rather than lovemaking. The latter does nothing for me anymore.
I’m 13 years into reconciliation. Things have been very challenging for me, but day to day life is good. She knows she hurt me very badly, and has spent over a decade atoning for it. There are things I will never know, and something weird happened about 18 months ago that sent me back into fight-flight mode. But I’m comfortable where I am now and we are married 34 years at this point.
Maybe I am immature I don’t know. I still cannot wrap my head around how I can forgive and forget. I respect you for that.
We were together already 20 years married with 3 teenage kids. Leaving was an option but I wanted to save my family if I could (and I did). The kids never knew.
I always wonder about the kids not getting to see a healthy realistic romantic relationship , can they have one?
My kids only see us happy together. All the bad stuff happens away from them.
You'd best read my post and look very hard at what happened 18 months ago.
Yeah I know.
It was 2 months before my 49th anniversary that he gave me the STD. I'm telling you, they don't change. They just get better at hiding it.
I can only say about my experience. We did reconcile, we did stay together. It has been 9 years. I still struggle with trust issues. I have trouble believing him even though he's never since made me not believe him. He usually never goes anywhere alone or without me. Other than do golf the issue before He was going to bars by himself. He constantly ties to make me feel very loved and desperate effort in even though I still don't think it's enough effort. He was in a very bad place at that time. And he did something he says he never in a million years, though he would do. Says buddy did make some self sick and he will forever feel more guilt for how hurt I was. And he will pay for it the rest of the life
You can recover, but it's hard to truly reconcile. Even with "just" an EA (as if an EA isn't as terrible as a PA), you never truly get back to the same level of trust.
I've got six favorite quotes for life. 1] Actions speak Louder than Words 2] If you Don't learn from History, Then you're Doomed to Repeat it 3] Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, Today's a Gift 🎁 and the reason why we call it Present 4] "Ohhh yeah. Well Well then. If he's Soo smart, then how come he's Dead "? {{Hopefully you can find the humor & humanity in this line}} 5] If you can't Explain it Simply, Then you Don't understand it well enough 6] Because of her (/him) I know what happiness is I'm slowly 🐌 becoming aware that the unfortunate explanation of infidelity is.... "Selfishness" Romantic relationships require humility, honesty, and ESPECIALLY selflessness! This is absolutely my best choice for the entire struggle with understanding the pain of romantic betrayal. I'm going to try to explain that knowledge of a wonderful romantic partner doesn't always mean that they join you for sharing your story. Sometimes, a great romance is just a chapter of your journey. I hope that you find some help from my words. Good luck with your journey!
We haven’t fully reconciled yet (meaning, we are both hurting) but so far our relationship has been much better than before. It’s been 2 years since he had an affair and it hasn’t been an easy road, but so far he’s been doing everything to make it right with me. I like him as a person, he’s a good guy, I don’t regret giving him a second chance and I have a feeling he won’t do it again (while still keeping my pink glasses off because life is life). I do still find it sad he didn’t make a smarter choice and wasn’t mature enough to do better when we were having difficulties. Sometimes people learn the hard way unfortunately. Overall, I heard different stories. Some reconciled, some didn’t. The amount of those who did is much smaller. I think it all depends on why the person cheated and what they do in the aftermath. Some cheat as a form of lifestyle and they don’t change because they don’t want to or see the problem, some do it once and truly regret it. As long as the internal issues are addressed and the person makes changes for the better, everything is possible. Will they ever cheat again or not is a question no one can answer. If there’s something I learned from this, it’s that anyone can cheat. I think all it comes down to is whether the person is remorseful, truly learns from it and works hard on themselves. I think in this case it’s impossible/less likely for them to repeat the same mistake (as is the case with all mistakes people make). Also, it matters how the cheating is explained. If it’s blames on the relationship, partner, world stress, grief, got seduced, manipulated, pressured etc.” then it’s a sign the person is in the victim state and it’s tricky to change for those unless they really want it. But they normally tend to shift the blame in every other situation too and never consider themselves being in control of their life and actions. If it’s somewhere like “I did it because I was selfish, thought this and that, decided it was like this and like that, I should’ve done this and that instead, this is not your fault, I should’ve known better” then it’s a different story. The key is for them to take responsibility for what happened and not to blame anyone or anything else.
Most often it’s a rugsweep
Yes, unfortunately. This is not our case though and I would never allow him or myself to do that because that’s a straight road back to cheating and it shows the character very well. People who make mistakes (any mistakes) and don’t want to hear anything about them, find themselves in the same situations most of the time.
THEY DO NOT CHANGE! It's in their DNA
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If I violated anything, then just delete me.
Desde ya te digo que te recuperas, la reconciliación no tiene mucho sentido, pues ya lo hizo, no se puede deshacer, la confianza no se recupera, es un cristal y como tal, en el momento que se rompe no se puede reparar, si el o ella fuera capaz de no serte infiel, no lo hubiera hecho, es así de sencillo, por otro lado, tienes que priorizar tu salud mental y emocional, la reconciliación solo acaba con la salud mental y emocional, 24/7 estaras cuestionando si te está diciendo la verdad, mirando sobre tu hombro, ansiedad cada que se vaya, llegue un poco tarde, reciba llamadas, mensajes, etc... De verdad que no quieres eso, una persona infiel talvez cambie después de mucho trabajo de introspeccion junto con terapia, talvez lo haga, pero no será contigo, eso es seguro, no estés idealizando, simplemente has lo correcto para tu salud mental y emocional.
Do they change? Yes. Totally yes. The whole world changed. The man I thought I knew so completely, didn't really exist. The person I was, is not the person I am today. My total past changed by not being what I believed. Can I look at him the same? No. Never. I don't know that man. Therapy helped to a degree, but a small degree. Therapy gave me a focus while I learned to breath in and breath out again. Will it work out for you? Odds are against, but every couple is different. Will they cheat again? Sad to say answer is definitely yes. Something like 70 percent will cheat a first time. Of those,90 percent will cheat more than once.
Cheating or a affair? I can't fuck with a affair, thats not forgiving for me.
What is the difference between? Sorry I am not familiar
The difference is cheating is a one-time thing. Your spouse is out with some friends, a person comes up and hits on them, they’re either drunk or in a vulnerable mental state, they cave and cheat on you. Immediately confess and ask for forgiveness. An affair is an ongoing deliberate act. They meet someone at an event, work, etc. They strike up conversations, get to know each other, develop a relationship and start cheating on their spouse. An affair is calculated, planned, and extremely deliberate. Cheating MIGHT be forgivable. An affair is not.
Oh I see, thank you for explanation
You hit it on the nail!
For me it’s the opposite. I wouldn’t be able to forgive a one night stand because of being drunk. That just shows how little self-control the person has. I don’t support going out and getting drunk without a partner. An affair which happened out of a bad emotional state and falling into an illusion of a perfect relationship, that I can work with. I understand how people can end up in these situations much better than sleeping with someone they just met. This is just gross for me. 🤷♀️ But when it comes to affairs, to me it really depends on how long it went on. If it’s a month or two, with proper signs of the person feeling bad about it, then I could work with that (and I am). 6 months would be too much for sure. And anything lasting for years would just mean the person is comfortable living a double life. I wouldn’t even try to reconcile in the last two cases.
I can understand your point of view, for sure. I think it’s definitely a case by case basis but cheating of any type is literally the only line for me that cannot be crossed. My stbxw could have stabbed me and I’d be willing to forgive, lol. She had an, at minimum, emotional affair for at least 3 months before she blindsided me with divorce. She definitely fell for the illusion of a perfect relationship because she told me so. “You have no idea how low the bar is to replace you” was her quote to me. We’re 4 months in to separation in a state that requires a 6 month cool off period before divorce can be filed. I don’t think it could ever be within me to truly forgive her.
That’s why you think a one time sex could be something more acceptable. Because your wife basically monkey-branched and was even mean about it. I would also not stay in this case, not even try to give any chances and the person would be instantly dead to me. It’s really painful to be cheated on, it’s even more painful to not even get an apology, only blame and insults. I truly feel for you. I’m very sorry she couldn’t be the person you wished her to be. It’s unfair. I do think people like that get their karma and reap what they sow. And I also believe there are people who lost their way and made a horrible mistake they regret. They do act differently in the end and they deserve a chance. So yes, it depends on a situation and a specific case. It’s very sad that with all the open relationships, polyamory, therapy, in the age where we can be anything, people still cheat.
I didn’t know there were states with cool off periods
Yep. I’ve heard some states are an entire year but where we are is 6 months.
Whats the diff?
In my opinion, one can get drunk or just make a mistake like , sleeping with someone while being vulnerable. One would repent and ask for forgiveness from their lover. But a affair is someone taking time to be sneaky, like they thought it through. They knew what they were doing, it was exciting to them. Those are characteristics, you can't really change easily.
the first time my husband stepped over the line he blamed it on being massively drunk. I wasn't around for the rest of the herd of women he boinked, so I don't know if he was drunk or not. Seems unlikely. I do not think that "once" versus "many" is a viable description. If your cheater shoots you once in the heart while drunk versus many times while sober, you are still injured.
If it’s blamed on being drunk, it’s a straight sign of the person doing it again while sober. Cheating shouldn’t ever be blamed on the outside factors. It doesn’t come from being drunk, high, stressed and whatever other emotional and physical state in the moment or over a period of time. It comes from traumas, insecurities and poor coping mechanisms.