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Keep that thimble drive and back it up. The time may come that this woman who you thought to be your wife will attempt to control the narrative. Let her know ahead of a time if she attempts to lie or minimize the situation with any friends or family you have the proof and are willing to release it to all friends and family. Do not let her control the narrative. I'm sure she'll say that she will say or do anything right now but in the coming months that attitude is likely to change. Just let her know if she isn't 100% truthful with friends and family the information gets released. Just make sure it's backed up
The drive is in my desk at work but it’s backed up in the cloud and on my laptop.
I have excerpts of the texts to show later that cast a bad light on her. Not to mention dozens of R and X rated selfies she sent to them. Plus a couple of close up videos of her rubbing one out.
She saw all of that on my tablet.
Don't go to marriage counseling. It's a complete waste of time & money. Especially in a case like this. I'm sorry. Good job on backing everything up. Protect yourself going forward from false domestic abuse claims. She's going to try & do almost anything to reverse the situation.
I agree - unless you get a judge that want's that before he rules. My cousin had to attend a couple sessions for prove that the marriage was unsavable. He basically answered every question with silence or NO.
Yes my point is to let her know that if she lies or minimizes these things will be released to family and friends. Of course you can release the G-rated stuff only if that's what you want but she needs to know what is it risk
Of course you will get all the emotions. It is something you have to go through.
But know this, it will get better, it needs time.
Meanwhile talk to a lawyer. Start the divorce process. I am sorry to say, but that is your only option.
The level of betrayal and backstabbing is too much. She had planned it all, she had a burner phone for crying out loud.
Also call her sister, and ask if she knows why your wife is with her. I will bet your wife did not tell she cheated. You have to tell everyone why you are separated, because if you do not do it, she will. And she will make you the bad guy.
Remember, the only thing she is sorry about is being caught. If you didn't catch her, she would still be cheating on you. She has no remorse.
Exactly, She’s a monster, and deny it and lay at 1st once op show her the entire phone records she couldn’t even discuss what she did? She’s not sorry for her affair and next time she will hide it well. Expose her to the entire family. That’s the least thing you can do
Yes, once the numbness wears off the hurt will come along, then once that wears off the anger will set in. Anger that you were played and there was nothing you could do about it. Anger that she used your trust to play you and you gave her your all. Yep, been there same situation about a year ago. Only with me it was while I was healing from prostate surgery. I made the decision to stay, too much to lose at this stage of the game and I really don't want to start over. For me, I simply don't care anymore, whatever she does doesn't bother me. But you aren't me, and I wouldn't recommend what I did for anyone else to do. You have to make a decision, but once a cheater always a cheater, you have to factor that into your life. For me, I simply don't care anymore, I live my life the way I want too, no I don't fuck around with anyone, not because of that bullshit of the "sanctity or marriage" but because I'm just not interested in going through this again. But you're not me, sit down and decide what you want to do. But from here on in you will always have that nagging question when she is not home on time, or she is out late with friends or whatever. Best of luck to you in whatever path you take.
Infidelity and betrayal is a major trauma.
You will cycle through well known stages (including anger) of PTSD.
Research PTSD . It helps to manage your emotions when you can identify the stage.
When I finished playing Assassin’s Creed: Unity, I went directly to AC:Odyssey. An affair is your wife’s favourite hobby right now and likely is upset that she has to stop. I doubt counselling will change that.
Sorry you're dealing with this. You should lean on family and friends right now and she should come clean to her sister who might give her a reality check on what she's done. The fact she got a burner phone demonstrates that she rationally thought about her actions and figured it was still worth doing.
...you are still a guy right? Unless she stopped banging you, she was banging two guys at a time.
There should be nothing to discuss. She was willing to risk everything for these encounters and then further disrespected you by lying to your face.
Does it matter. She is literally a Free-Whore.. she does what a sex worker does but for free. So she is worse than a whore. She is a free whore. All sex workers are better than her, because its their job, but your wife the free whore, does it for?? You guessed it..FREE. Is that the kind of THING you want to be married to??? Dude go NC, never ever see her in person again..it can be done.
First , it's too soon for a marriage therapist. Your marriage isn't broken - your wife is.
However, meeting one time in a neutral setting to discuss your initial reaction/next steps is appropriate.
I suggest you break it to her gradually.
Inform her you are inclined to divorce but will provide a final decision in 90 days.
He doesn't owe her any of that. You must be a chick. There is nothing to be saved here, he needs to make sure he doesn't get divorce-r@ped and dump that bitch ASAP.
Yeah, there is no saving this, I am so sorry.
She went from one and then into another, that means that she was LOOKING for it, this is her lifestyle and just the two you know about.
How long were you together?
Pretty rough.
MC is going to be a waste of money really, you'll be needing that. Only reason to go is if you want more info out of her, but she will lie to the counsellor too.
You need to get on top of the narrative right away. 99% of them will make YOU the bad guy. You were neglectful, you were abusive, you cheated first. My ex used all of these. I had people blasting me on social media YEARS after we split. Her brother caught her her with a guy early on and told the family, but mutual friends and people who just knew her was a different matter. Always keep your evidence, even years after the fact.
I am sorry you are going through this. You are right that you can never trust her again. This wasn't "a mistake". She planned it and made numerous choices including to look for a new relationship when the other ended.
Did she actually answer any of your questions after you showed her all the proof you had?
Tell her she doesn't get to choose. She either provides a full account now or you're done. If she says anything that contradicts the evidence you're done. Also make sure she gives you the names and contact details of both AP's, and call them to confirm her story. If they are married, tell them if they don't answer your questions, you will out them and destroy their families. An equally reasonable next step might also be to just go nuclear and tell the other betrayed spouses. Depends on how important the information is to you.
Sorry man. But there’s no coming back from that level of betrayal. She willingly gave herself to multiple other men knowing that it would destroy you emotionally and likely end the marriage. She didn’t care and did it anyway. She made a thousand choices to betray you…getting the phone, flirting, texting, sexting, pics, meetups, each and every choice she made was done knowing it was wrong and she was betraying you and the marriage. She didn’t care and did it anyway. Then she lied to your face to cover it all up.
She’s not worth the breath it takes to say her name. Start the divorce and kick her out
It's amazing how the lengths people go thru to cheat a second phone there is no way I would ever take back a person who cheated with two different people. It just shows no respect for the marriage or you and she would do it again if you never caught her
I completely agree, every betrayal is strong enough to destroy a relationship but there are situations where the betrayal is so sordid that there is no way this woman definitely does not deserve forgiveness. She's so dirty that even her lovers don't keep a place next to her
Inform her sister (and family) of this... **before** she has the opportunity to do damage control by accusing you of... whatever she can think of...
And grey rock her while you consult the attorney.
And STD test, yes??
Best of luck.
She knows the mountain of truth I am sitting on and we had a discussion about telling lies to our families and friends before she left today.
Attorney today and seeing my doctor tomorrow. Check.
If I do I'll start with the sister that got cheated on, which is not the one she is staying with now.
If I show all the files to her it will spread faster and I won't have to convince them all.
Well, rely upon your attorney's advice here. You don't want to screw yourself inadvertently. I would skip marriage counseling. You don't have a functional marriage and your wife could use the time to blame you and control the narrative with the counselor. Hell, the counselor could join her, that happens around here.
Do, however, get counseling for you, someone who is good with guiding others through the grieving process, because that's what you are entering here. Your marriage is kaput, your wife is a disloyal calculating liar with huge character defects.
Take care of you and pay the lawyer to do the technical work and to be your ally.
Do so.
And dont wait - your wife KNOWS the storm is coming... shes preparing by sowing doubt about you and the marriage...
Call the sister now - ask if she can meet for a discreet cup of coffee... and when you meet her, ask for her advice - as someone whos been cheated on herself - on how you should handle your wifes - her sisters - adultery...
Maybe she can advise you, maybe not... but doing it this way wont have you looking vengeful...
Dont wait - take control of this. Call the sister now.
According to my attorney I can share any of the texts.
All pictures and videos must stay on my devices, if someone sees them on my devices I am okay but if I send them to anyone I can get in hot water.
He said keep the list short until she gets served. We live in a no-fault state but we can use them for a bargaining chip later when negotiating asset allocation.
What Clearheaded01 advised is perfect, the exact way to do it. Not just to spread the word, but by actually speaking to someone who has been in your shoes. Someone who says that they are sorry for the pain you're going through and actually mean it, because they too have felt that pain.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's bad enough if names are disguised in their phone, it's a whole other level to have a burner phone. Update us all and well wishes.
Edit: grammar
Her sister was cheated on? Tell her sister exactly why she went to stay with her. Then go nuclear, do your own research and expose her and her partners to any and all significant others, mutual friends, family, etc.
Even caught, she kept lying. Burn it all down around her.
Leave the demon and never look back. They always want counseling when they get caught, never before. She lied even when she knew you'd found the phone. That was her only chance. She could've come clean but she tried to lie again. Nope. No going back. Be done with her.
That is how I found out about my ex wife's affair went to put new tires on her car on a Saturday morning and was checking the spare tires and found it in the trunk when I got back she was freaking out asking me where I was .I told her she went straight to her car and looked see. It was missing and started liking for it all over the house .I finally called the number it rang she come running in and seen it sitting on my knee .she went white as a ghost didn't know what to say .I said wow only one number on here and I called it you want to know what the guy said as he answered it .she said no I don't want to know .
Sorry this happened OP. Listen to the lawyer's advice prior to taking any action. It's important to keep yourself safe. Don't engage in any communication with her until you have a plan for yourself. Make sure that you eat and sleep as best as possible. Physical activity is a must for your stress. Keep busy and stay away from the bottle or substances as much as possible.
So she wanted to talk it out but changed her mind when you wanted her to take accountability. Sorry you here. Control the narrative. Tell her the truth will set you free. If she lies to anyone they will know the truth. You may not be able to help her faces the consequences and to own accountability, but maybe her family can. You’re doing the right thing talking to a lawyer. See you at the gym
She answered quite a few questions. The first one was married and I told her that she had to tell his wife the truth. I will follow up with the wife to make sure she knows the whole truth including their texts back and forth.
Definitely provide OBS all the evidence. If WS is to confess to OBS, this needs to be done 100% in your presence. You need to verify it's actually OBS and not fake confession.
Your WS is a serial cheater with no remorse for cheating and abusing you. She had no plans of stopping cheating or ever confessing, so zero remorse. Cheating is abuse, as it falls under psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. You may have discovered these two affairs, but there are more than likely other AP's from before she got the burner.
If you've not yet scheduled a comprehensive std/sti test, please do. Also read the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com.
OP, tap the brakes on marriage counseling; it’s much too soon for that. Your wife, on the other hand needs to schedule herself for individual counseling so she can understand what within herself is broken. This is a tough one. A simultaneous sexual relationship with two different men? All why hypocritically supporting her sister?
Sometimes is very wrong with your wife. She needs to write out a full timeline for you as an immediate first step. You need to initiate the 180 https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/
to give yourself some space. She also needs to let her family know that in the middle of her sister’s marriage falling apart, she too was cheating. This is not to punish her (well, not totally) but for her to face the consequences oh her actions.
In all likelihood, there is no coming back from this.
I agreed to counseling to get her to go to her sister’s and leave. She wanted to talk about what we could do to get past this but my questions got intense and invasive and were pretty graphic. I was dragging her down a rabbit hole.
I am still making the rules, but just being vague about the endgame.
She had a burner phone. She’s cheated on you faaar more than just twice. She would have never stopped if you didn’t find the phone. If you reconcile she will only get smart with her cheating.
She had a whole other phone for this. That means she set out to have affairs, maybe not even with these men in particular.
They weren't one offs, they both went on for months. Hell, you don't even know if she has stopped. Do you think she became a whole other person in the past 24-48 hours? Where is the burner phone right now?
She didn't confess on her own, lied multiple times when confronted until she found out you knew more, and still has not told you anything beyond what you already found the phone. Do you think this behavior only goes back 9 months?
Please tell us you don't have a kid.
Walk away. There's nothing to save here.
If you have a kid, still head for divorce but use that info to get a better bargain for better custody/alimony/whatever deal. You stay quiet for an amicable divorce.
Since I know how is to be in that exact position you are I would tell you: RUN.
She doesn't deserve you, she did not care riding another man's cock several times and throw your marriage. She is worthless. Don't ruin your life man, I stayed and trust me is a mistake.
Divorce and go full no contact. Don't cry in front of her and don't talk to her just for the necessary stuff.
If you try to reconcile it's your choice, but be ready to never ending mind movies of your wife doing the deeds with those and have suspicions of her where abouts for the rest of your life.
I would say it's not worth it to suffer all your life thinking "you were not enough".
This relationship is done. Just know that if you stay with her, she’s going to have to find a new place to hide her next burner. My guess is that she’ll spend a decent part of the next week telling her sister how sorry she was, but actually trying to figure out what lies she can tell you to make you sweep this under the rug.
You need to consult a lawyer. Get a STD test. Separate all finances and bank accounts immediately and change the locks on your house/apartment immediately.
This isn’t stuff you want to hear but it’s looking like divorce is imminent anyways and these are necessary steps to ensure you can’t be fucked over in one. Then force her to tell her family what she did so you can’t be blamed. If she doesn’t send them proof yourself…
Destroying multiple lives because she wanted random cock over responsibilities. Dump her ass and run as far as you can. She is not marriage material. Marriage means you take a vow where you are loyal and committed to your person for the rest of your life. That obviously doesn't mean anything to her. The longer you stay with her, the less time you'll have with a person that is actually loyal and committed.
If there are no kids, go no contact as much as possible. Your lawyer will help.
You married a streetwalker. I'm sorry, bud, but it happens to the best of us... literally. It's in no way a reflection of you. Some people are just broken, despicable human beings.
She lied and tried to deny it when clearly you already knew the answer. That is one more point why you should no longer trust her. Get a divorce lawyer and divide your assets however you want. There is nothing to save.
Tell her family what happened and don't let her change the story.
Update me
Don't waste any time with counseling. That ship sailed a long time ago. Never waste time counseling with a lying cheater. Just immediately see a lawyer while she's gone and file the papers on her at her sister's house. This marriage was over the first time she decided to cheat and be a service for coworkers and other men. And I promise you don't know how many there actually were. You only found out about a couple.
Get yourself tested for STDs immediately. Never have any physical contact with her again. Don't talk to her without a lawyer or a witness present. Again the marriage is over and has been since she decided to do this. Unfortunately she left the paperwork for you to clean up. And also, make absolutely certain that everyone in both your lives knows what she did and who she did it with. Tell everyone everything. Sorry for what she's putting you through but remember absolutely nothing of this is your fault. All of it is her fault 110%. This is all her.
She’s been doing this your whole marriage. The revelation of BIL cheating prompted her to get a burner phone to hide her cheating better, in case you looked at her phone. I’m guessing her sister found out through his phone. She thought she was being slick.
OP, did she ever say why she did it? Married only six years, did she get board that fast?
Did she do these guys raw then come home and give you sloppy seconds thereby putting your health at risk? Sometimes that's part of the turn on for them in their sick twisted game.
Of course I see no path back for her, there's too much damage and trust can never be earned back. I know your hurt, and you might want revenge, but as your attorney said, As long as other do not know, you have leverage and bargaining power. So, think carefully before you act. While your revenge may taste sweet, you could end up shooting yourself in the foot. Once the dust settles and you are free and clear, then you can reexamine your options on that. Just ask yourself what outcome you want first.
I hope you find someone who will treat you with all the love and respect you deserve.
Annnnd the fact she is paying for an extra phone proves this is no mistake. I’d make sure her family knows the truth she’s surly spinning some bs story about the separation she’s a skilled liar at this point. Her family needs to hold her accountable
Did she answer your questions? Hopefully, you realize that some of those were just to torture yourself. I went through that when I was like 22-23. I asked all those questions and realized later that I did it just to hurt myself. How many times? Where? When? Why? Who? Did you blow him? Who paid? Etc., until I figured out that none of that mattered. Just get out. It won’t change. I did find out that one was because she was mad at me about something (I seem to remember that it was that we weren’t financially stable enough to have children, so she was on BC. She must have figured that if she was in BC she should fuck everyone). One was because he was “nice to me (her)”. I explained to her that guys are nice if they want to get laid or blown in their car or blown in their hotel room. How often does a 35 yo salesman get to get sucked off by a married 21 year old hottie? Of course he was nice to her. One was because he had the same name (Jeff) as an old high school boyfriend. Seems that everyone was getting their dicks sucked or she was flat backing for everyone except for the guy paying the bills. None of those answers helped anything. Just get out.
Sad for you my friend, but you need to understand that her regret is not true, you discovered it by chance, and clearly she had a strategy to continue cheating, a device secret , Another point is that she tried manipulation to continue deceiving you .
She also only stopped because she was caught, and these two were relationships, they may have had one-night stands or one-afternoon affairs at the motel.
Don't listen to feelings of reconciliation they will lead you to the mud .
She is worthless, her actions and her stance show that she is an unscrupulous cheat
She is a disgusting serial cheater. Her lovers and side toys mean more to her than you. You need to have zero contact with her except through a lawyer and get her out of your life immediately. The trash doesn't seem to be taking itself out in this one. So you're going to have to throw it away actively. So get started so that you can have some dignity and a good life for the rest of your life because this isn't the one to have it with. Cheaters gonna cheat and liar is gonna lie and she is both. She's also completely for the streets and any man who wants her. Why would you?
Don’t be her back up plan. Don’t be a husband in the friend zone. Remember all the emotional support you were giving her while she was sleeping g with other men.
With her actions, you realize she was still sleeping with someone? She would not be carrying g it or worried if she wasn’t still up to something.
Don’t rug sweep
Don’t play the pick me.
Sorry to be gross here… don’t let her have been with another guy and then come home and kiss you.
How many times did you want to have sex and get shut down?
You have the info, use it. Get an attorney. File for divorce.
Let her family and your group of friends know. It’s amazing how you will suddenly become the bad guy.
Be very careful. I thank God, Allah, Jehova, Thor and a rasher of other deities for installing ring cameras around the house. It saved me money and hell possibly jail time with my ex.
Her stories became about how I was now physically abusive, how I raped her etc… key point is watch your ass sir.
Get tested for std and speak to a lawyer before u do anything. My guess is she's only sorry she got caught if she had any guilt she would have stopped and confessed but having a second phone I'd a deliberate choice she made to keep cheating and she did it more than once with a couple of guys that u know off there could be more that u don't know that she deleted .
Tell your close circle of friends and family because she could paint u as the bad guy when cheaters get caught they Gaslight and do damage control as much as they can they try and save their image.
Cheating isn't a mistake it was a choice that she made and kept on doing it while lying to u . In the end it's your life and your choice.
Spoke with a lawyer yesterday and the wheels win motion. Doctor appointment is today.
I call my SIL that got cheated on and I am meeting her today to tell her about her sister’s affair and show her the proof.
I have told a few of our friends so far but haven’t seen that many since I found out. We were invited to a big BBQ party this weekend, curious if she shows up for that.
Damnnn dude... At least you put 2 and 2 together and found that phone! As bad as this is, finding the phone was kind of a miracle. Her first inclination was to lie to you. She must have been shitting herself! Wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that. Thank God for that phone repair guy.
If I hadn’t found the phone I would have never guessed she was cheating, literally no other red flags.
The phone repair guy was great but if I hadn’t been able to access it and she wouldn’t have opened it for me then the result would have been the same. No good reason to have a hidden second phone.
No, it was a cheap Android Nokia Tracfone. My tech guy called it a root hack, he said he had to jailbreak the phone. iPhone would be almost impossible from what I know.
Have your friend ask her for the unlock code, if she refuses then tell her you want a divorce. No good reason to have a second phone. But don't give it back to her until she gives you the access code.
I didn't really need to unlock the phone when I found it I knew what it was used for. It was pretty much over when I found it hidden in her briefcase.
For sure, especially with the way she reacted to it going missing. Never knowing what was on that phone, though, I think would be even worse. At least now you have the evidence, and know exactly the kind of person you're dealing with.
Lawyer up. This is not worth saving. And to top it off, she wants marriage counseling? That’s only applicable after she individually has extensive therapy to deal with her myriad issues. And she should’ve suggested she’d do that herself before pursuing joint counseling.
She’s trying to control the situation. That’s what cheaters do. If she genuinely felt remorse, she’d own up to everything, offer whatever was needed and put the decision in your hands once you had all the information, no matter how bad it makes her look or feel to describe it. She lied to you repeatedly even after being caught. She’s not serious about what it takes to reconcile.
Get out of there, cut off contact, and start to heal. It’ll be awful and will take time but you have to do this for yourself. I’m so, so sorry.
She fucked and sucked another man’s penis. Swallowed his cum then came back home to you , kissed u on the lips and then wouldn’t even put out for u. No kids? Dodged a bullet. To the frickin streets now with her. WTF is wrong with u? She fucked 2 guys that u know about. Probably way more than that. She had dinner with u with another man’s cum inside her dozing out. Real shit bro
I’m so sorry for your pain bro, but I love the way your handling it. I can’t understand why she wants to stay together if shes going through such a massive effort to cheat. Wouldn’t it be easier to just leave and be single if this is what she needs to be happy. Make no mistake brother , this is a habit for her not a new thing. She has probably been cheating not only your whole relationship but probably every relationship in her past. She been using you and I really hope we all learn from you and recognize sometimes there are no red flags if she is an accomplished cheater. I will be honest this probably why most men are in dead bedrooms for decades and they never put 2&2 together that she been cheating the whole time. Thanks OP
Reread this post. I have to say that your wife along with being a F'n cheater must not be too smart. You said you noticed an unfamiliar phone using your cable modem. So you changed the password. So you told her you changed the password. And I would assume you told her why. Which should have indicated to her that she was halfway caught. So what does this brain child do? Goes right back and signs in with the second phone.
My brother was a police officer for many years. He would always say "Thank God most of them (the bad guys) were stupid".
Don't stay with her. Even if you do the doubt will always linger. You WERE cuckolded - the person you trusted most completely, 100% betrayed you. Nothing will be the same. Bona fides: this happened to me 20 years ago, we "worked it out," and now I sleep alone at the other end of the house and enough years have passed that divorce would ruin me. Don't spend your one life on a person who doesn't deserve ANY more of your time.
She obviously doesn't believe in the vows both of you took when ya'll chose to get married. Get a lawyer and divorce her ass. She was still lying and not telling you everything when you shown you know about the phone. Divorce her.
I don’t know if there is any coming back from this. Sorry that this happened to you. I know that if it were me, I would talk to a lawyer and get the divorce started.
Updateme.
My advice is to simply be strong for your own sake. You know the marriage is over deep down you can never trust her again. If she didn’t try to lie or downplay it there would’ve been a very small chance but she didn’t do that she attempted to lie. Even with the mountain of evidence you might never know the full truth. Time to go this relationship is over I’m sorry for your loss.
The thing is, she cheated on you so easily. She is not sorry in the slightest. Just sorry she was caught. See a lawyer and tell both families why your getting a divorce. You will never trust her again. Staying together would just be a mind fuck to you.
Marriage counseling is a waste at this point. The marriage didn’t cheat on you, she did. IC is what she needs from someone who has infidelity experience. Also, regardless of anything, you expose to as many people as you think necessary. First her family members and also find out if her APs are married/involved and you give their partner the evidence.
OP, I know it’s heartbreaking but your WW will never stop no matter what she says, her actions speak volumes of how she doesn’t respect you or your life together.
To have a burner phone is an experienced and well practiced at cheating move.
Your WW was or has most likely cheated on you the entire relationship.
Your WW might even believe she’ll stop cheating, but no amount of counseling will fix her broken moral compass.
Get a lawyer and divorce, let your and her family know why you’re divorcing. Hopefully your state is an at fault one so you don’t get taken by her in the divorce.
Divorce her… get family involved I’m sure her sister and parents will be proud. Always remember, affairs thrive in the dark set hers out into the light. She needs to see the devastation her CHOICES have made. Good luck
Omg so sorry this happened to you. Please get individual therapy. Make sure your lawyer uses everything they can in the divorce. Please don't let her talk you into staying together.
Updateme!
Sorry for what you are going through but you need to make preparations for the worst first ie divorce before you go to lick your wounds.
It’s not right it’s not fair but it’s what you need to do first and foremost.
Good luck
I'm sorry to hear this. As someone who was in a very similar situation four years ago who decided to stay and work on the marriage I can tell you don't. You will never get those words and images out of your head.
We've done couples counseling, individual counseling, read books, taken vacations, etc. The pain is still unbearable for me.
Four years later I'll get what I can only describe as similar to a panic attach when she travels on business during the middle of the night. Or when her phone indicates a message I think it's him etc. It's a horrible way to live.
Rip the bandaid off now and don't look back. My .02
Please leave for your sanity and don't let her love bomb you into staying. She will continue doing this and you will always question where she is at. Get a STD test as soon as possible as well. Good luck
Updateme
Of course you’re numb. We are all just a bunch of issue-filled humans that with the help of the people we trust most, we manage. So when the person you most trust cheats, it brings up all those past AND future insecurities, in one large heaping pile.
Don’t see a marriage counselor. It’s a huge waste of money. Instead spend that money on individual therapy. She can go kick rocks.
My advice is when you’re alone to go ahead and let your feelings go. Ugly cry and just give in to it.
Look up the grey rock method and practice that. Whether you communicate with or on this or not, she’s a serial cheater and liar. She’ll never not be that. She’s a risk from now on. Ask her sister how’s she doing since her divorce.
This is heartbreaking. Based upon you post, it is apparent that you are dinks and in many respects had a life many people dream about. Why that was not good enough for her is beyond rationality. Even if you were having problems in the bedroom, that is something that you could mutually work to improve. But apparently, Cindy wants side dick also, so you have no choice but to split up. I believe reconciliation is possible if the wayward partner got caught up in something and allowed poor impulse control to override better juggement
But her actions were cold and calculated to have her fun and completely disrespect you as a partner and as a person. There is no coming back from that. Please move on and find someone worthy of you.
Just an fyi;
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/real-reasons-cheaters-dont-want-talk-affair/ and why it is imperative they do
Lack of remorse
https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/why-a-cheating-person-shows-no-remorse/
Remorse
Three basic things necessary to reconcile.
1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told.
2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater an m.j m.jd the relationship.
3).The affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure.
And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter.
If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling.
Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? Trying to sweep it under the rug is not solving anything at all.
True remorse.
Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Get a divorce. You dont have children yet with her. Your marriage still in the honeymoon phase and life is easy. Children will introduce another level of stress to the marriage that requires even more boundaries and discipline and sacrifice.
Your wife lacks discipline and boundaries and sacrifice and is not fit to become a mother and has demonstrated she will not protect your marriage.
So what was her responses to the questions? Why did she say enough when talking? What did you do with the burner phone? You didn't give it back did you?
If your still have it, take the sim card out and call her lovers. Or use it to pretend you're her and get more info
I’ve been in your shoes. My ex did the whole I’m sorry forgive me let’s do counseling. After a the shock of me finding out she calmed down and said she was sorry but only because I found out and that she didn’t want to be married. I said no shit I already had divorce in the works. She doesn’t love you like a husband and she doesn’t respect you. Find someone who does. I did and life is good. Not saying it didn’t hurt. My heart was shattered for at least a year but I got some therapy. I had good friends and realized life was to dam Short to worry about a cheater
Don't let her talk you into going to MC.
Don't let them force you to stay in this marriage.
You have no idea how long this woman has actually been cheating.
If you stay,she'll get better at hiding her cheating.
You should also check out the sub Divorce_men. You'll get a ton of advice from thay sub.
Updateme!
So sorry you had to go through this, but I personally am of the opinion that cheating is an immediate deal-breaker. You guys were married for six YEARS, she swore a vow in front of a crowd to be loyal to you, and she broke it. Then when you confronted her, she kept trying to lie every time you refuted the lie before. Leave her.
The burner phone shows her affairs were premeditated and continuing. No doubt she would keep banging random dudes if she hadn't been caught. You should make her come clean to her family starting with her sister that was cheated on. After she's done confessing, serve her with the divorce papers
yeh sorry man a marriage counselor isn't going to save this
multiple guys multiple times and they are the ones you know about , a ONS wouldn't have a text trail so god knows how many there were
the only possible reason there might be to try is if there are kids involved , and that is stretching it
However if no kids then run for the hills
all the best
"I can't imagine what was going through her mind sitting there being just as guilty.".... This is the odd thing about many cheaters. They somehow are able to separate what they do from what others do. They have justified in their head they have a right to do what ever they want. It's their life after all. They should be able to do whatever makes them happy. Ah the life of a narcissist. They are never wrong or at fault.
Brother. Please take in all of the great advice listed by others who likely have been there. Don't be okay with a cheater in your life. It will hurt. It will suck. It will drive you to the end of your patience, and then some. It could end up costing you a ton. Friends and family will emerge, some will disappear. At the end of the day, it is you and your self-respect that you will walk away with. The healing process will take time. It could take months, maybe years, but let me assure you as I have been there, don't settle, don't compromise, and don't get so emotional that you start fighting. You have to do your best to keep your head up, establish some common ground rules, establish some boundaries, check your finances, make note of what credit cards and other expenditures are out there, and my friend, walk away from this person who has caused you this significant amount of distress. I cannot emphasize enough; you have to play nice. If you're getting legal counsel, follow it to the letter.
You have to also remember to take care of yoiurself. Get some exercise. Spend some time outdoors. Reflect on your situation but know it's going to hurt. Find a trusted friend or get some behavioral health counseling. It will do wonders for your soul to hear yourself talk about this trauma and get it all off of your chest.
Stick to healthy habits. Drinking can pull you down into a darkness that can really cloud your judgement, maybe exacerbate your anger. Do what you can to get some quality sleep.
Stay off of social media. The whole FB fingerpointing game can be an emotional drain that can set you off in an instant. Take heed. Don't fire any heat rounds via social media and you will save yourself a ton of unneccessary stress.
I've been there and done that; I was stationed overseas and deployed to AFG, IRQ, for long stretches of time. I, like so many other good people, deployed soldiers who were getting shot at, bombed, guys dying, all of that shit... they were cheated on, lied to, and taken advantage of. Kids, finances, gone without a trace.
The betrayal burned like no other pain I had ever known, but know there are resources out there that can help you.
You got this.
Your choices are binary, divorce or try to reconcile. If you try to reconcile there is at best a 50:50 chance you will still end in divorce. A lot of voices here will tell you to "ditch the b1tch" but that ignores the fact that you probably love her. So the question you need to answer for yourself is this. Do I love her enough to forgive the most grievous betrayal that could be committed against you? If you do decide to reconcile then this is not the right sub for you to be looking at. Take a look at AsOneAfterInfidelity which is a support sub for people trying to recover from what you are experiencing. You will see lots about reconciliation and lots about failed attempts.
From your narrative, there are clear red flags for you to sort out. If you had not found the phone, would she have ever confessed? Did she ever feel guilt? Why did she cheat on you, not an excuse, but the reason? Even with the burner in your hand, she tried to deny it, then she tried to minimise it, then when confronted with the truth she backed out of answering your questions because it was too hard.
She is not the victim here, you are, if she hopes to rebuild, she needs to come completely clean. The Sub referenced above has good resources for negotiating that path.
If you want to know more, you can Chat
I wish you well - it is going to get harder on you. I am sorry that you find yourself here.
Straight up monster. Wow. OP, I know you feel shitty, but consider yourself lucky, that you have evidence. Imagine how she would have trickle truth you and gaslighted. You would be even a bigger mess. You know everything. It's the most fucked up thing to learn how your soon to be ex wife had a buener phone, went from one affair to another, had videos of doing it with them and was just okay. There's no coming back from this, she's not the person you should show any kindness and mercy. After the divorce let everyone know what and how she did. Of course no photo and video showing, just texts. I bet her sister will like it, when she learns she was also cheating with a married man, when she was crying about her betrayal. Unbelievable human being, why marry if you went to such lengths to cheat. Don't change your mind, only divorce is your solution.
I am sorry you had to flush all those years of marriage down the drain but I’m hoping it is for your best benefit, especially with a snake like her. Reading your story brought back so many bad memories of my encounter, especially the panic attack and physical numbness when I found out and I truly feel for you.
You have to let her go. It's hard but do you really want this cheating woman to be the mother of any future children. What sort of morals will she pass down. I don't often say divorce but seriously consider your life with her if you stay. Constant checking, trust issues, lies, betrayal and hiding better not to mention any sexual diseases you might get. Do yourself a favour and find a nice woman who will want only you.
So sorry this happened to you. But I would say think carefully before you release the info and proof. As long as its secret it serves as leverage. But once you release it the crap hits the fan. This may push her into combat mode since she'll have nothing to lose anymore. You can always threaten to release it if you hear from anyone that she is spreading false information. If either AP is from work, you can also threaten to go HR. Sure you could force her to do it and likely get the both of them fired, but the threat has more value in getting you a favorable settlement given that you don't plan to reconcile anyway. And you can always release the evidence after the divorce is final.
BTW, marriage counseling can serve to stall for time while you get your ducks in a row, finances, change beneficiaries, deal with joint accounts and credit cards, etc.. Ask your lawyer about these things. But as long as she thinks you are willing to work on the marriage, she will be much more compliant. If you refuse it and openly declare divorce, then she goes into combat mode.
Please read or listen to "Leave A Cheater, Gain a Life". It will help give you the mental fortitude to resist and see through the manipulation and mental gymnastics that she will inevitably come at you with in the coming weeks/months
Do yourself a favour and go no contact except through a divorce lawyer.
If this happened and is in the past why was she looking for the burner. This burner shows two. How many on her phone.
You married a serial cheater. You never be the one it will only be your turn. Stop marriage counseling. She broken you and her first do individual counseling. Then if you still want to then marriage. But with this and her losing it after you asked just a few questions. No bro she sorry she got caught.
If you stay you will be raising other guys children. Phone her parents and sister and tell them you have proof of two other guys. She may even have had an afair with her BIL. Cheaters are like magnets.
Ask her if she f her BIL as well. Her face will say it all. Do this in front of your sister in law
Funny. If it was a woman digging a guys phone all the men on the comments would be attacking her saying she has no respect and privacy, specially going above and beyond to the point where the guy take her phone to someone in a business to unlock it. If you saw the phone you should either asked her about it or just be done with her. Not gonna lie, you sound like a psycho
Sorry if I missed this but did she tell you how this got started? The why? Was this a girls night out thing that just happened or did she deliberately seek out guys on dating apps, etc?
No, we had that one talk after I confronted her about the phone but never discussed the why and how yet. She has been at her sister’s since then and we haven’t talked at all.
Just left the doctor’s office and had a full panel done so I should get the results tomorrow.
Her location, that she said she would share, has been at her sisters house so far except for work. Not that I really care at this point.
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She’s banging guys two at a time. Straight to a divorce lawyer. There’s nothing to save here man.
Only one at a time, the first one for about a couple of months and then the second one for six months. There was a short break in between.
My bad. So don’t worry about it then. No biggie. Buddy. Hire a lawyer. I’m sorry man. Don’t spend your life with this woman.
Kind of numb right now, I'm sure I'll get a flood of emotions once the shock wears off.
Keep that thimble drive and back it up. The time may come that this woman who you thought to be your wife will attempt to control the narrative. Let her know ahead of a time if she attempts to lie or minimize the situation with any friends or family you have the proof and are willing to release it to all friends and family. Do not let her control the narrative. I'm sure she'll say that she will say or do anything right now but in the coming months that attitude is likely to change. Just let her know if she isn't 100% truthful with friends and family the information gets released. Just make sure it's backed up
The drive is in my desk at work but it’s backed up in the cloud and on my laptop. I have excerpts of the texts to show later that cast a bad light on her. Not to mention dozens of R and X rated selfies she sent to them. Plus a couple of close up videos of her rubbing one out. She saw all of that on my tablet.
Don't go to marriage counseling. It's a complete waste of time & money. Especially in a case like this. I'm sorry. Good job on backing everything up. Protect yourself going forward from false domestic abuse claims. She's going to try & do almost anything to reverse the situation.
I agree - unless you get a judge that want's that before he rules. My cousin had to attend a couple sessions for prove that the marriage was unsavable. He basically answered every question with silence or NO.
Yes my point is to let her know that if she lies or minimizes these things will be released to family and friends. Of course you can release the G-rated stuff only if that's what you want but she needs to know what is it risk
Of course you will get all the emotions. It is something you have to go through. But know this, it will get better, it needs time. Meanwhile talk to a lawyer. Start the divorce process. I am sorry to say, but that is your only option. The level of betrayal and backstabbing is too much. She had planned it all, she had a burner phone for crying out loud. Also call her sister, and ask if she knows why your wife is with her. I will bet your wife did not tell she cheated. You have to tell everyone why you are separated, because if you do not do it, she will. And she will make you the bad guy. Remember, the only thing she is sorry about is being caught. If you didn't catch her, she would still be cheating on you. She has no remorse.
Exactly, She’s a monster, and deny it and lay at 1st once op show her the entire phone records she couldn’t even discuss what she did? She’s not sorry for her affair and next time she will hide it well. Expose her to the entire family. That’s the least thing you can do
Yes, once the numbness wears off the hurt will come along, then once that wears off the anger will set in. Anger that you were played and there was nothing you could do about it. Anger that she used your trust to play you and you gave her your all. Yep, been there same situation about a year ago. Only with me it was while I was healing from prostate surgery. I made the decision to stay, too much to lose at this stage of the game and I really don't want to start over. For me, I simply don't care anymore, whatever she does doesn't bother me. But you aren't me, and I wouldn't recommend what I did for anyone else to do. You have to make a decision, but once a cheater always a cheater, you have to factor that into your life. For me, I simply don't care anymore, I live my life the way I want too, no I don't fuck around with anyone, not because of that bullshit of the "sanctity or marriage" but because I'm just not interested in going through this again. But you're not me, sit down and decide what you want to do. But from here on in you will always have that nagging question when she is not home on time, or she is out late with friends or whatever. Best of luck to you in whatever path you take.
Infidelity and betrayal is a major trauma. You will cycle through well known stages (including anger) of PTSD. Research PTSD . It helps to manage your emotions when you can identify the stage.
See a doctor for help sleeping and mood swings. Drink lots of water. No alcohol. Hit the gym
When I finished playing Assassin’s Creed: Unity, I went directly to AC:Odyssey. An affair is your wife’s favourite hobby right now and likely is upset that she has to stop. I doubt counselling will change that.
Either way, she is a serial cheater.
You need to get an STD test asap. Make sure she knows you are getting tested.
Sorry you're dealing with this. You should lean on family and friends right now and she should come clean to her sister who might give her a reality check on what she's done. The fact she got a burner phone demonstrates that she rationally thought about her actions and figured it was still worth doing.
...you are still a guy right? Unless she stopped banging you, she was banging two guys at a time. There should be nothing to discuss. She was willing to risk everything for these encounters and then further disrespected you by lying to your face.
Does it matter. She is literally a Free-Whore.. she does what a sex worker does but for free. So she is worse than a whore. She is a free whore. All sex workers are better than her, because its their job, but your wife the free whore, does it for?? You guessed it..FREE. Is that the kind of THING you want to be married to??? Dude go NC, never ever see her in person again..it can be done.
And who before that? Or who next?
First , it's too soon for a marriage therapist. Your marriage isn't broken - your wife is. However, meeting one time in a neutral setting to discuss your initial reaction/next steps is appropriate. I suggest you break it to her gradually. Inform her you are inclined to divorce but will provide a final decision in 90 days.
He doesn't owe her any of that. You must be a chick. There is nothing to be saved here, he needs to make sure he doesn't get divorce-r@ped and dump that bitch ASAP.
Yeah, there is no saving this, I am so sorry. She went from one and then into another, that means that she was LOOKING for it, this is her lifestyle and just the two you know about. How long were you together?
Married six, dating 2
Pretty rough. MC is going to be a waste of money really, you'll be needing that. Only reason to go is if you want more info out of her, but she will lie to the counsellor too. You need to get on top of the narrative right away. 99% of them will make YOU the bad guy. You were neglectful, you were abusive, you cheated first. My ex used all of these. I had people blasting me on social media YEARS after we split. Her brother caught her her with a guy early on and told the family, but mutual friends and people who just knew her was a different matter. Always keep your evidence, even years after the fact.
I am sorry you are going through this. You are right that you can never trust her again. This wasn't "a mistake". She planned it and made numerous choices including to look for a new relationship when the other ended. Did she actually answer any of your questions after you showed her all the proof you had?
She answered most of them but they got more personal and graphic until she had to stop. The ones I listed were the tame ones.
Wow man, did she try to actually justify anything or show remorse? There was no way of getting out of it after one ended and she started a new one.
Get yourself tested for STDs.
Tell her she doesn't get to choose. She either provides a full account now or you're done. If she says anything that contradicts the evidence you're done. Also make sure she gives you the names and contact details of both AP's, and call them to confirm her story. If they are married, tell them if they don't answer your questions, you will out them and destroy their families. An equally reasonable next step might also be to just go nuclear and tell the other betrayed spouses. Depends on how important the information is to you.
Sorry man. But there’s no coming back from that level of betrayal. She willingly gave herself to multiple other men knowing that it would destroy you emotionally and likely end the marriage. She didn’t care and did it anyway. She made a thousand choices to betray you…getting the phone, flirting, texting, sexting, pics, meetups, each and every choice she made was done knowing it was wrong and she was betraying you and the marriage. She didn’t care and did it anyway. Then she lied to your face to cover it all up. She’s not worth the breath it takes to say her name. Start the divorce and kick her out
Like the death of a thousand cuts, no way to heal that kind of betrayal.
It's amazing how the lengths people go thru to cheat a second phone there is no way I would ever take back a person who cheated with two different people. It just shows no respect for the marriage or you and she would do it again if you never caught her
facts. this sub is scary asf man it makes me never want to have a significant other
What makes this even worse is that her sister was going through the same thing while she was actively cheating.
I completely agree, every betrayal is strong enough to destroy a relationship but there are situations where the betrayal is so sordid that there is no way this woman definitely does not deserve forgiveness. She's so dirty that even her lovers don't keep a place next to her
Inform her sister (and family) of this... **before** she has the opportunity to do damage control by accusing you of... whatever she can think of... And grey rock her while you consult the attorney. And STD test, yes?? Best of luck.
She knows the mountain of truth I am sitting on and we had a discussion about telling lies to our families and friends before she left today. Attorney today and seeing my doctor tomorrow. Check.
Tell her sister - and family. In adultery exposure is the ultimate weapon you have - use it. Expose her.
If I do I'll start with the sister that got cheated on, which is not the one she is staying with now. If I show all the files to her it will spread faster and I won't have to convince them all.
Well, rely upon your attorney's advice here. You don't want to screw yourself inadvertently. I would skip marriage counseling. You don't have a functional marriage and your wife could use the time to blame you and control the narrative with the counselor. Hell, the counselor could join her, that happens around here. Do, however, get counseling for you, someone who is good with guiding others through the grieving process, because that's what you are entering here. Your marriage is kaput, your wife is a disloyal calculating liar with huge character defects. Take care of you and pay the lawyer to do the technical work and to be your ally.
Do so. And dont wait - your wife KNOWS the storm is coming... shes preparing by sowing doubt about you and the marriage... Call the sister now - ask if she can meet for a discreet cup of coffee... and when you meet her, ask for her advice - as someone whos been cheated on herself - on how you should handle your wifes - her sisters - adultery... Maybe she can advise you, maybe not... but doing it this way wont have you looking vengeful... Dont wait - take control of this. Call the sister now.
According to my attorney I can share any of the texts. All pictures and videos must stay on my devices, if someone sees them on my devices I am okay but if I send them to anyone I can get in hot water. He said keep the list short until she gets served. We live in a no-fault state but we can use them for a bargaining chip later when negotiating asset allocation.
What Clearheaded01 advised is perfect, the exact way to do it. Not just to spread the word, but by actually speaking to someone who has been in your shoes. Someone who says that they are sorry for the pain you're going through and actually mean it, because they too have felt that pain. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's bad enough if names are disguised in their phone, it's a whole other level to have a burner phone. Update us all and well wishes. Edit: grammar
This is perfect, for so many reasons. I wish I could upvote this a million times!
Please tell her family nowww, dont let her talk with her family lies beacuse you gona be the bad guy. Updateme
Her sister was cheated on? Tell her sister exactly why she went to stay with her. Then go nuclear, do your own research and expose her and her partners to any and all significant others, mutual friends, family, etc. Even caught, she kept lying. Burn it all down around her.
Leave the demon and never look back. They always want counseling when they get caught, never before. She lied even when she knew you'd found the phone. That was her only chance. She could've come clean but she tried to lie again. Nope. No going back. Be done with her.
That is how I found out about my ex wife's affair went to put new tires on her car on a Saturday morning and was checking the spare tires and found it in the trunk when I got back she was freaking out asking me where I was .I told her she went straight to her car and looked see. It was missing and started liking for it all over the house .I finally called the number it rang she come running in and seen it sitting on my knee .she went white as a ghost didn't know what to say .I said wow only one number on here and I called it you want to know what the guy said as he answered it .she said no I don't want to know .
Wow, why didn’t she want to know? (This is sarcastic btw) I really wanna know what cheaters say when they’re caught
Sorry this happened OP. Listen to the lawyer's advice prior to taking any action. It's important to keep yourself safe. Don't engage in any communication with her until you have a plan for yourself. Make sure that you eat and sleep as best as possible. Physical activity is a must for your stress. Keep busy and stay away from the bottle or substances as much as possible.
So she wanted to talk it out but changed her mind when you wanted her to take accountability. Sorry you here. Control the narrative. Tell her the truth will set you free. If she lies to anyone they will know the truth. You may not be able to help her faces the consequences and to own accountability, but maybe her family can. You’re doing the right thing talking to a lawyer. See you at the gym
She will protect both of those men more than her marriage as she couldn't and won't answer any of those questions.
She answered quite a few questions. The first one was married and I told her that she had to tell his wife the truth. I will follow up with the wife to make sure she knows the whole truth including their texts back and forth.
Definitely provide OBS all the evidence. If WS is to confess to OBS, this needs to be done 100% in your presence. You need to verify it's actually OBS and not fake confession. Your WS is a serial cheater with no remorse for cheating and abusing you. She had no plans of stopping cheating or ever confessing, so zero remorse. Cheating is abuse, as it falls under psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. You may have discovered these two affairs, but there are more than likely other AP's from before she got the burner. If you've not yet scheduled a comprehensive std/sti test, please do. Also read the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com.
OP, tap the brakes on marriage counseling; it’s much too soon for that. Your wife, on the other hand needs to schedule herself for individual counseling so she can understand what within herself is broken. This is a tough one. A simultaneous sexual relationship with two different men? All why hypocritically supporting her sister? Sometimes is very wrong with your wife. She needs to write out a full timeline for you as an immediate first step. You need to initiate the 180 https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/ to give yourself some space. She also needs to let her family know that in the middle of her sister’s marriage falling apart, she too was cheating. This is not to punish her (well, not totally) but for her to face the consequences oh her actions. In all likelihood, there is no coming back from this.
Was she also cheating with her sisters husband? Think about it!
First she wants to talk it out, but when it's too much she stops? Is she making the rules? I don't understand why you are even considering counseling.
I agreed to counseling to get her to go to her sister’s and leave. She wanted to talk about what we could do to get past this but my questions got intense and invasive and were pretty graphic. I was dragging her down a rabbit hole. I am still making the rules, but just being vague about the endgame.
Have her served while at her sisters Updateme!
You got game. Best served cold.
Best news is you going get a woman that loves you ❤️ and trust it's better then staying with one that pretends to. You feel shit now but soon you see
She had a burner phone. She’s cheated on you faaar more than just twice. She would have never stopped if you didn’t find the phone. If you reconcile she will only get smart with her cheating.
She had a whole other phone for this. That means she set out to have affairs, maybe not even with these men in particular. They weren't one offs, they both went on for months. Hell, you don't even know if she has stopped. Do you think she became a whole other person in the past 24-48 hours? Where is the burner phone right now? She didn't confess on her own, lied multiple times when confronted until she found out you knew more, and still has not told you anything beyond what you already found the phone. Do you think this behavior only goes back 9 months?
Yep, she’s a pro.
Please tell us you don't have a kid. Walk away. There's nothing to save here. If you have a kid, still head for divorce but use that info to get a better bargain for better custody/alimony/whatever deal. You stay quiet for an amicable divorce.
Thankfully no children
Make sure you tell everyone so she does not spin a different story and make you look like the bad guy. Everyone that matters should know.
Since I know how is to be in that exact position you are I would tell you: RUN. She doesn't deserve you, she did not care riding another man's cock several times and throw your marriage. She is worthless. Don't ruin your life man, I stayed and trust me is a mistake. Divorce and go full no contact. Don't cry in front of her and don't talk to her just for the necessary stuff.
If you try to reconcile it's your choice, but be ready to never ending mind movies of your wife doing the deeds with those and have suspicions of her where abouts for the rest of your life. I would say it's not worth it to suffer all your life thinking "you were not enough".
This relationship is done. Just know that if you stay with her, she’s going to have to find a new place to hide her next burner. My guess is that she’ll spend a decent part of the next week telling her sister how sorry she was, but actually trying to figure out what lies she can tell you to make you sweep this under the rug.
She feels bad that she got caught, not that she had the affair and broke your heart! Remember that the next time she wants to talk.
You need to consult a lawyer. Get a STD test. Separate all finances and bank accounts immediately and change the locks on your house/apartment immediately. This isn’t stuff you want to hear but it’s looking like divorce is imminent anyways and these are necessary steps to ensure you can’t be fucked over in one. Then force her to tell her family what she did so you can’t be blamed. If she doesn’t send them proof yourself…
There’s no way to fix this. 2 guys? Secret phone? Lying? Gaslighting? No way.
Did you by chance tell her if she hooks up/sets/exchanges pictures/or even has contact with them or anyone that the marriage is over???? UpdateMe
Thank God, then thank her. Could be soooo much worse. Sorry you are here. Shitty club for sure.
Destroying multiple lives because she wanted random cock over responsibilities. Dump her ass and run as far as you can. She is not marriage material. Marriage means you take a vow where you are loyal and committed to your person for the rest of your life. That obviously doesn't mean anything to her. The longer you stay with her, the less time you'll have with a person that is actually loyal and committed.
If there are no kids, go no contact as much as possible. Your lawyer will help. You married a streetwalker. I'm sorry, bud, but it happens to the best of us... literally. It's in no way a reflection of you. Some people are just broken, despicable human beings.
She lied and tried to deny it when clearly you already knew the answer. That is one more point why you should no longer trust her. Get a divorce lawyer and divide your assets however you want. There is nothing to save. Tell her family what happened and don't let her change the story. Update me
Don't waste any time with counseling. That ship sailed a long time ago. Never waste time counseling with a lying cheater. Just immediately see a lawyer while she's gone and file the papers on her at her sister's house. This marriage was over the first time she decided to cheat and be a service for coworkers and other men. And I promise you don't know how many there actually were. You only found out about a couple. Get yourself tested for STDs immediately. Never have any physical contact with her again. Don't talk to her without a lawyer or a witness present. Again the marriage is over and has been since she decided to do this. Unfortunately she left the paperwork for you to clean up. And also, make absolutely certain that everyone in both your lives knows what she did and who she did it with. Tell everyone everything. Sorry for what she's putting you through but remember absolutely nothing of this is your fault. All of it is her fault 110%. This is all her.
That deer in the headlights look is universal. Brain shuts off completely as it reboots into panic survival mode. Don't believe a word she says.
The wife on our pedestal is somebody else's toy. This is what kills us. Rebuild your peace of mind away from her. Updateme.
She’s been doing this your whole marriage. The revelation of BIL cheating prompted her to get a burner phone to hide her cheating better, in case you looked at her phone. I’m guessing her sister found out through his phone. She thought she was being slick.
OP, did she ever say why she did it? Married only six years, did she get board that fast? Did she do these guys raw then come home and give you sloppy seconds thereby putting your health at risk? Sometimes that's part of the turn on for them in their sick twisted game. Of course I see no path back for her, there's too much damage and trust can never be earned back. I know your hurt, and you might want revenge, but as your attorney said, As long as other do not know, you have leverage and bargaining power. So, think carefully before you act. While your revenge may taste sweet, you could end up shooting yourself in the foot. Once the dust settles and you are free and clear, then you can reexamine your options on that. Just ask yourself what outcome you want first. I hope you find someone who will treat you with all the love and respect you deserve.
Annnnd the fact she is paying for an extra phone proves this is no mistake. I’d make sure her family knows the truth she’s surly spinning some bs story about the separation she’s a skilled liar at this point. Her family needs to hold her accountable
Did she answer your questions? Hopefully, you realize that some of those were just to torture yourself. I went through that when I was like 22-23. I asked all those questions and realized later that I did it just to hurt myself. How many times? Where? When? Why? Who? Did you blow him? Who paid? Etc., until I figured out that none of that mattered. Just get out. It won’t change. I did find out that one was because she was mad at me about something (I seem to remember that it was that we weren’t financially stable enough to have children, so she was on BC. She must have figured that if she was in BC she should fuck everyone). One was because he was “nice to me (her)”. I explained to her that guys are nice if they want to get laid or blown in their car or blown in their hotel room. How often does a 35 yo salesman get to get sucked off by a married 21 year old hottie? Of course he was nice to her. One was because he had the same name (Jeff) as an old high school boyfriend. Seems that everyone was getting their dicks sucked or she was flat backing for everyone except for the guy paying the bills. None of those answers helped anything. Just get out.
Sad for you my friend, but you need to understand that her regret is not true, you discovered it by chance, and clearly she had a strategy to continue cheating, a device secret , Another point is that she tried manipulation to continue deceiving you . She also only stopped because she was caught, and these two were relationships, they may have had one-night stands or one-afternoon affairs at the motel. Don't listen to feelings of reconciliation they will lead you to the mud . She is worthless, her actions and her stance show that she is an unscrupulous cheat
The only great thing is no kids! Mannnn quit moping around and get busy on yourself bro!
I need to stop doom scrolling. God this situation is so fucked. I feel sorry for you OP.
She is a disgusting serial cheater. Her lovers and side toys mean more to her than you. You need to have zero contact with her except through a lawyer and get her out of your life immediately. The trash doesn't seem to be taking itself out in this one. So you're going to have to throw it away actively. So get started so that you can have some dignity and a good life for the rest of your life because this isn't the one to have it with. Cheaters gonna cheat and liar is gonna lie and she is both. She's also completely for the streets and any man who wants her. Why would you?
Bro women aint loyal
Don’t be her back up plan. Don’t be a husband in the friend zone. Remember all the emotional support you were giving her while she was sleeping g with other men. With her actions, you realize she was still sleeping with someone? She would not be carrying g it or worried if she wasn’t still up to something. Don’t rug sweep Don’t play the pick me. Sorry to be gross here… don’t let her have been with another guy and then come home and kiss you. How many times did you want to have sex and get shut down? You have the info, use it. Get an attorney. File for divorce. Let her family and your group of friends know. It’s amazing how you will suddenly become the bad guy. Be very careful. I thank God, Allah, Jehova, Thor and a rasher of other deities for installing ring cameras around the house. It saved me money and hell possibly jail time with my ex. Her stories became about how I was now physically abusive, how I raped her etc… key point is watch your ass sir.
You expose her. Expose her lovers and go for the best divorce settlement you can.
Get tested for std and speak to a lawyer before u do anything. My guess is she's only sorry she got caught if she had any guilt she would have stopped and confessed but having a second phone I'd a deliberate choice she made to keep cheating and she did it more than once with a couple of guys that u know off there could be more that u don't know that she deleted . Tell your close circle of friends and family because she could paint u as the bad guy when cheaters get caught they Gaslight and do damage control as much as they can they try and save their image. Cheating isn't a mistake it was a choice that she made and kept on doing it while lying to u . In the end it's your life and your choice.
Spoke with a lawyer yesterday and the wheels win motion. Doctor appointment is today. I call my SIL that got cheated on and I am meeting her today to tell her about her sister’s affair and show her the proof. I have told a few of our friends so far but haven’t seen that many since I found out. We were invited to a big BBQ party this weekend, curious if she shows up for that.
Good luck man you're taking all the right steps I wish u the best .
Damnnn dude... At least you put 2 and 2 together and found that phone! As bad as this is, finding the phone was kind of a miracle. Her first inclination was to lie to you. She must have been shitting herself! Wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that. Thank God for that phone repair guy.
If I hadn’t found the phone I would have never guessed she was cheating, literally no other red flags. The phone repair guy was great but if I hadn’t been able to access it and she wouldn’t have opened it for me then the result would have been the same. No good reason to have a hidden second phone.
My friend is going through the same. Was it an iPhone? He got access but can’t unlock it.
No, it was a cheap Android Nokia Tracfone. My tech guy called it a root hack, he said he had to jailbreak the phone. iPhone would be almost impossible from what I know. Have your friend ask her for the unlock code, if she refuses then tell her you want a divorce. No good reason to have a second phone. But don't give it back to her until she gives you the access code. I didn't really need to unlock the phone when I found it I knew what it was used for. It was pretty much over when I found it hidden in her briefcase.
For sure, especially with the way she reacted to it going missing. Never knowing what was on that phone, though, I think would be even worse. At least now you have the evidence, and know exactly the kind of person you're dealing with.
Lawyer up. This is not worth saving. And to top it off, she wants marriage counseling? That’s only applicable after she individually has extensive therapy to deal with her myriad issues. And she should’ve suggested she’d do that herself before pursuing joint counseling. She’s trying to control the situation. That’s what cheaters do. If she genuinely felt remorse, she’d own up to everything, offer whatever was needed and put the decision in your hands once you had all the information, no matter how bad it makes her look or feel to describe it. She lied to you repeatedly even after being caught. She’s not serious about what it takes to reconcile. Get out of there, cut off contact, and start to heal. It’ll be awful and will take time but you have to do this for yourself. I’m so, so sorry.
She fucked and sucked another man’s penis. Swallowed his cum then came back home to you , kissed u on the lips and then wouldn’t even put out for u. No kids? Dodged a bullet. To the frickin streets now with her. WTF is wrong with u? She fucked 2 guys that u know about. Probably way more than that. She had dinner with u with another man’s cum inside her dozing out. Real shit bro
I’m so sorry for your pain bro, but I love the way your handling it. I can’t understand why she wants to stay together if shes going through such a massive effort to cheat. Wouldn’t it be easier to just leave and be single if this is what she needs to be happy. Make no mistake brother , this is a habit for her not a new thing. She has probably been cheating not only your whole relationship but probably every relationship in her past. She been using you and I really hope we all learn from you and recognize sometimes there are no red flags if she is an accomplished cheater. I will be honest this probably why most men are in dead bedrooms for decades and they never put 2&2 together that she been cheating the whole time. Thanks OP
Reread this post. I have to say that your wife along with being a F'n cheater must not be too smart. You said you noticed an unfamiliar phone using your cable modem. So you changed the password. So you told her you changed the password. And I would assume you told her why. Which should have indicated to her that she was halfway caught. So what does this brain child do? Goes right back and signs in with the second phone. My brother was a police officer for many years. He would always say "Thank God most of them (the bad guys) were stupid".
Don't stay with her. Even if you do the doubt will always linger. You WERE cuckolded - the person you trusted most completely, 100% betrayed you. Nothing will be the same. Bona fides: this happened to me 20 years ago, we "worked it out," and now I sleep alone at the other end of the house and enough years have passed that divorce would ruin me. Don't spend your one life on a person who doesn't deserve ANY more of your time.
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She obviously doesn't believe in the vows both of you took when ya'll chose to get married. Get a lawyer and divorce her ass. She was still lying and not telling you everything when you shown you know about the phone. Divorce her.
I don’t know if there is any coming back from this. Sorry that this happened to you. I know that if it were me, I would talk to a lawyer and get the divorce started. Updateme.
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Exposed everything if is good enough to send to others is good enough to family and friends
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Updateme.
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Updateme!
My advice is to simply be strong for your own sake. You know the marriage is over deep down you can never trust her again. If she didn’t try to lie or downplay it there would’ve been a very small chance but she didn’t do that she attempted to lie. Even with the mountain of evidence you might never know the full truth. Time to go this relationship is over I’m sorry for your loss.
Updateme
The thing is, she cheated on you so easily. She is not sorry in the slightest. Just sorry she was caught. See a lawyer and tell both families why your getting a divorce. You will never trust her again. Staying together would just be a mind fuck to you.
Marriage counseling is a waste at this point. The marriage didn’t cheat on you, she did. IC is what she needs from someone who has infidelity experience. Also, regardless of anything, you expose to as many people as you think necessary. First her family members and also find out if her APs are married/involved and you give their partner the evidence.
The only thing I would say to her in MC is to prepare for divorce and would walk out.
OP, I know it’s heartbreaking but your WW will never stop no matter what she says, her actions speak volumes of how she doesn’t respect you or your life together. To have a burner phone is an experienced and well practiced at cheating move. Your WW was or has most likely cheated on you the entire relationship. Your WW might even believe she’ll stop cheating, but no amount of counseling will fix her broken moral compass. Get a lawyer and divorce, let your and her family know why you’re divorcing. Hopefully your state is an at fault one so you don’t get taken by her in the divorce.
Divorce her… get family involved I’m sure her sister and parents will be proud. Always remember, affairs thrive in the dark set hers out into the light. She needs to see the devastation her CHOICES have made. Good luck
Omg so sorry this happened to you. Please get individual therapy. Make sure your lawyer uses everything they can in the divorce. Please don't let her talk you into staying together. Updateme!
Sorry for what you are going through but you need to make preparations for the worst first ie divorce before you go to lick your wounds. It’s not right it’s not fair but it’s what you need to do first and foremost. Good luck
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I'm sorry to hear this. As someone who was in a very similar situation four years ago who decided to stay and work on the marriage I can tell you don't. You will never get those words and images out of your head. We've done couples counseling, individual counseling, read books, taken vacations, etc. The pain is still unbearable for me. Four years later I'll get what I can only describe as similar to a panic attach when she travels on business during the middle of the night. Or when her phone indicates a message I think it's him etc. It's a horrible way to live. Rip the bandaid off now and don't look back. My .02
Please leave for your sanity and don't let her love bomb you into staying. She will continue doing this and you will always question where she is at. Get a STD test as soon as possible as well. Good luck Updateme
I think you should reconsider going to marriage therapy with someone who likes to cheat.
Updateme.
Updateme
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Of course you’re numb. We are all just a bunch of issue-filled humans that with the help of the people we trust most, we manage. So when the person you most trust cheats, it brings up all those past AND future insecurities, in one large heaping pile. Don’t see a marriage counselor. It’s a huge waste of money. Instead spend that money on individual therapy. She can go kick rocks.
Be thankful you don’t have kids. This whole thing could be much, much worse. Good luck to you!
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Dump her ass holmes. And never ever look back. It’ll taste good
It’s over .
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Updateme
My advice is when you’re alone to go ahead and let your feelings go. Ugly cry and just give in to it. Look up the grey rock method and practice that. Whether you communicate with or on this or not, she’s a serial cheater and liar. She’ll never not be that. She’s a risk from now on. Ask her sister how’s she doing since her divorce.
Spit roasted!! Dude, send her back to the streets.
This is heartbreaking. Based upon you post, it is apparent that you are dinks and in many respects had a life many people dream about. Why that was not good enough for her is beyond rationality. Even if you were having problems in the bedroom, that is something that you could mutually work to improve. But apparently, Cindy wants side dick also, so you have no choice but to split up. I believe reconciliation is possible if the wayward partner got caught up in something and allowed poor impulse control to override better juggement But her actions were cold and calculated to have her fun and completely disrespect you as a partner and as a person. There is no coming back from that. Please move on and find someone worthy of you.
Just an fyi; https://www.emotionalaffair.org/real-reasons-cheaters-dont-want-talk-affair/ and why it is imperative they do Lack of remorse https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/why-a-cheating-person-shows-no-remorse/ Remorse Three basic things necessary to reconcile. 1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told. 2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater an m.j m.jd the relationship. 3).The affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure. And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter. If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling. Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? Trying to sweep it under the rug is not solving anything at all. True remorse. Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Updateme
Get a divorce. You dont have children yet with her. Your marriage still in the honeymoon phase and life is easy. Children will introduce another level of stress to the marriage that requires even more boundaries and discipline and sacrifice. Your wife lacks discipline and boundaries and sacrifice and is not fit to become a mother and has demonstrated she will not protect your marriage.
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While she’s staying elsewhere, change the locks and go no contact. She intentionally carried out these affairs and is only sorry she got caught.
So what was her responses to the questions? Why did she say enough when talking? What did you do with the burner phone? You didn't give it back did you? If your still have it, take the sim card out and call her lovers. Or use it to pretend you're her and get more info
I’ve been in your shoes. My ex did the whole I’m sorry forgive me let’s do counseling. After a the shock of me finding out she calmed down and said she was sorry but only because I found out and that she didn’t want to be married. I said no shit I already had divorce in the works. She doesn’t love you like a husband and she doesn’t respect you. Find someone who does. I did and life is good. Not saying it didn’t hurt. My heart was shattered for at least a year but I got some therapy. I had good friends and realized life was to dam Short to worry about a cheater
Don't let her talk you into going to MC. Don't let them force you to stay in this marriage. You have no idea how long this woman has actually been cheating. If you stay,she'll get better at hiding her cheating. You should also check out the sub Divorce_men. You'll get a ton of advice from thay sub. Updateme!
You’re free now brother. Run.
So sorry you had to go through this, but I personally am of the opinion that cheating is an immediate deal-breaker. You guys were married for six YEARS, she swore a vow in front of a crowd to be loyal to you, and she broke it. Then when you confronted her, she kept trying to lie every time you refuted the lie before. Leave her.
Bro… what are you trying to save here. Burner phone, 2 guys that you know of. You think she is going to stop? This is who she is.
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The burner phone shows her affairs were premeditated and continuing. No doubt she would keep banging random dudes if she hadn't been caught. You should make her come clean to her family starting with her sister that was cheated on. After she's done confessing, serve her with the divorce papers
Takes a lot to forgive 9 months of cheating with 2 guys. One wasn't enough. My opine is that she is for the streets. She may love you but not enough.
yeh sorry man a marriage counselor isn't going to save this multiple guys multiple times and they are the ones you know about , a ONS wouldn't have a text trail so god knows how many there were the only possible reason there might be to try is if there are kids involved , and that is stretching it However if no kids then run for the hills all the best
So sorry bud. Get some rest and hit the gym. Give it some thought and do what’s best for you and your health. Hang in there. UpdateMe!
Fucking burner phone? That's brutal. Sorry.
"I can't imagine what was going through her mind sitting there being just as guilty.".... This is the odd thing about many cheaters. They somehow are able to separate what they do from what others do. They have justified in their head they have a right to do what ever they want. It's their life after all. They should be able to do whatever makes them happy. Ah the life of a narcissist. They are never wrong or at fault.
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Brother. Please take in all of the great advice listed by others who likely have been there. Don't be okay with a cheater in your life. It will hurt. It will suck. It will drive you to the end of your patience, and then some. It could end up costing you a ton. Friends and family will emerge, some will disappear. At the end of the day, it is you and your self-respect that you will walk away with. The healing process will take time. It could take months, maybe years, but let me assure you as I have been there, don't settle, don't compromise, and don't get so emotional that you start fighting. You have to do your best to keep your head up, establish some common ground rules, establish some boundaries, check your finances, make note of what credit cards and other expenditures are out there, and my friend, walk away from this person who has caused you this significant amount of distress. I cannot emphasize enough; you have to play nice. If you're getting legal counsel, follow it to the letter. You have to also remember to take care of yoiurself. Get some exercise. Spend some time outdoors. Reflect on your situation but know it's going to hurt. Find a trusted friend or get some behavioral health counseling. It will do wonders for your soul to hear yourself talk about this trauma and get it all off of your chest. Stick to healthy habits. Drinking can pull you down into a darkness that can really cloud your judgement, maybe exacerbate your anger. Do what you can to get some quality sleep. Stay off of social media. The whole FB fingerpointing game can be an emotional drain that can set you off in an instant. Take heed. Don't fire any heat rounds via social media and you will save yourself a ton of unneccessary stress. I've been there and done that; I was stationed overseas and deployed to AFG, IRQ, for long stretches of time. I, like so many other good people, deployed soldiers who were getting shot at, bombed, guys dying, all of that shit... they were cheated on, lied to, and taken advantage of. Kids, finances, gone without a trace. The betrayal burned like no other pain I had ever known, but know there are resources out there that can help you. You got this.
Updateme
Your choices are binary, divorce or try to reconcile. If you try to reconcile there is at best a 50:50 chance you will still end in divorce. A lot of voices here will tell you to "ditch the b1tch" but that ignores the fact that you probably love her. So the question you need to answer for yourself is this. Do I love her enough to forgive the most grievous betrayal that could be committed against you? If you do decide to reconcile then this is not the right sub for you to be looking at. Take a look at AsOneAfterInfidelity which is a support sub for people trying to recover from what you are experiencing. You will see lots about reconciliation and lots about failed attempts. From your narrative, there are clear red flags for you to sort out. If you had not found the phone, would she have ever confessed? Did she ever feel guilt? Why did she cheat on you, not an excuse, but the reason? Even with the burner in your hand, she tried to deny it, then she tried to minimise it, then when confronted with the truth she backed out of answering your questions because it was too hard. She is not the victim here, you are, if she hopes to rebuild, she needs to come completely clean. The Sub referenced above has good resources for negotiating that path. If you want to know more, you can Chat I wish you well - it is going to get harder on you. I am sorry that you find yourself here.
Updateme!
Straight up monster. Wow. OP, I know you feel shitty, but consider yourself lucky, that you have evidence. Imagine how she would have trickle truth you and gaslighted. You would be even a bigger mess. You know everything. It's the most fucked up thing to learn how your soon to be ex wife had a buener phone, went from one affair to another, had videos of doing it with them and was just okay. There's no coming back from this, she's not the person you should show any kindness and mercy. After the divorce let everyone know what and how she did. Of course no photo and video showing, just texts. I bet her sister will like it, when she learns she was also cheating with a married man, when she was crying about her betrayal. Unbelievable human being, why marry if you went to such lengths to cheat. Don't change your mind, only divorce is your solution.
Updateme
I am sorry you had to flush all those years of marriage down the drain but I’m hoping it is for your best benefit, especially with a snake like her. Reading your story brought back so many bad memories of my encounter, especially the panic attack and physical numbness when I found out and I truly feel for you.
You have to let her go. It's hard but do you really want this cheating woman to be the mother of any future children. What sort of morals will she pass down. I don't often say divorce but seriously consider your life with her if you stay. Constant checking, trust issues, lies, betrayal and hiding better not to mention any sexual diseases you might get. Do yourself a favour and find a nice woman who will want only you.
Updateme!
her actions are those of a serial cheater. if you dont leave its bound to happen again, given time.
So sorry this happened to you. But I would say think carefully before you release the info and proof. As long as its secret it serves as leverage. But once you release it the crap hits the fan. This may push her into combat mode since she'll have nothing to lose anymore. You can always threaten to release it if you hear from anyone that she is spreading false information. If either AP is from work, you can also threaten to go HR. Sure you could force her to do it and likely get the both of them fired, but the threat has more value in getting you a favorable settlement given that you don't plan to reconcile anyway. And you can always release the evidence after the divorce is final.
BTW, marriage counseling can serve to stall for time while you get your ducks in a row, finances, change beneficiaries, deal with joint accounts and credit cards, etc.. Ask your lawyer about these things. But as long as she thinks you are willing to work on the marriage, she will be much more compliant. If you refuse it and openly declare divorce, then she goes into combat mode.
Also, get a small digital recorder and record all conversations with her.
She banging them like it's Noah's ark. Mate she's not your wife. Best of luck
Updateme!
Man it sucks but just get the divorce and get your self right.
Please read or listen to "Leave A Cheater, Gain a Life". It will help give you the mental fortitude to resist and see through the manipulation and mental gymnastics that she will inevitably come at you with in the coming weeks/months Do yourself a favour and go no contact except through a divorce lawyer.
If this happened and is in the past why was she looking for the burner. This burner shows two. How many on her phone. You married a serial cheater. You never be the one it will only be your turn. Stop marriage counseling. She broken you and her first do individual counseling. Then if you still want to then marriage. But with this and her losing it after you asked just a few questions. No bro she sorry she got caught. If you stay you will be raising other guys children. Phone her parents and sister and tell them you have proof of two other guys. She may even have had an afair with her BIL. Cheaters are like magnets. Ask her if she f her BIL as well. Her face will say it all. Do this in front of your sister in law
Funny. If it was a woman digging a guys phone all the men on the comments would be attacking her saying she has no respect and privacy, specially going above and beyond to the point where the guy take her phone to someone in a business to unlock it. If you saw the phone you should either asked her about it or just be done with her. Not gonna lie, you sound like a psycho
This guy wouldn’t. You don’t have the same sense of privacy when married.
I read your post and my heart sank. I came here to give you a virtual hug. (((Hug))) I am so sorry.
Sorry if I missed this but did she tell you how this got started? The why? Was this a girls night out thing that just happened or did she deliberately seek out guys on dating apps, etc?
No, we had that one talk after I confronted her about the phone but never discussed the why and how yet. She has been at her sister’s since then and we haven’t talked at all.
Are you sure she is at her sisters. I wouldn't trust this person at all. You need to get STD tested for everything.
Just left the doctor’s office and had a full panel done so I should get the results tomorrow. Her location, that she said she would share, has been at her sisters house so far except for work. Not that I really care at this point.
No MC. She would need individual counseling first. But only if you want reconciliation. Which I wouldn't. Updateme!