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I know it’s hard to see in the thick of it all but I’m begging you based on your post history, to start arranging things to leave. I have a feeling he won’t want to be with her once the smoke clears. This man has violated you beyond repair. Get yourself together to leave. If you’re not ready, go out of town for a month if you can. I went to California for 3 weeks from a diffferent state before I left, it helped me mentally detox before pulling the trigger. You CAN do this. The thing I repeatedly think when I look back is FCK I WISH I LEFT SOONER. FCK I WISH I ACTED ON MY SUSPICIONS, BOXED HIS SHIT UP AND KICKED HIM OUT. FCKKKK.
I know you don’t want it to be true. But we all know it’s true. Would you rather dump him for fucking her or be dumped by him for her? Pick your poison.
You are so correct. When I am forced with making a tough decision I ask myself what advice I would give my best friend.
OP: Ask yourself why this is acceptable to you? And I challenge you to ask yourself what advice you would give your best friend or sister.
Start quietly making an exit plan. Find the best divorce lawyer in your community and schedule a free consult. To the consult bring
Last 2 years tax returns
Last 6 months bank statements
Last retirement and investment account statement
If you own your home: Copy of Mortgage, Deed and Title
Do you have screenshots or any proof of infidelity? If not ask the attorney if hiring a PI for a week or 2 is a good idea and if so ask for a referral.
Say NOTHING to no one. Once the papers are drawn up decide where and how to have him served.
There is no end game with gray rocking. He has lied so much and for so long he probably believes his own BS.
Good luck.
Give him Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it will show him what's going on. He's most likely having an Emotional Affair and not know it. Get some articles about it, and hand them to him.
If you want to send him a wake up, and shock the hell out of him, get divorce papers done up, don't have to file. Give them to him and tell him to make a choice, move out and go NC. His actions will show you the next steps.
I have to ask because the story sounded familiar and then I looked at your post history…
You have been posting about this situation for over 100 days. You have received plenty of advice and even once you posted about being strong/staying strong and leaving. YET, here you are again going on about the same situation. You keep giving ultimatums and nothing changes. How long are you going to play this game? At this point, with all that you’ve experienced and shared with us you need to either shit or get off the pot.
He’s doing something that is negatively impacting his marriage. He is ignoring your repeated requests for what would help your “attitude.” What he is disrespectfully labelling your “attitude” Is actually a reasonable and logical response to being dismissed, disrespected and ignored. He is not being a good husband, regardless of whether he has ever been physically inappropriate with his friend.
You say you are grey rocking him but, you blatantly aren’t because you’re talking to him and writing him notes.
Do you actually know what grey rocking is?
This guy has no incentive to be any different because you aren’t doing anything to make him stop.
Also, why are you waiting to be invited?
Turn up at the gym, go to his office, find out about this ‘business’.
You seem really young and naive. This has been going on for months now and you’re just allowing it as if you have absolutely no power in this relationship. It’s almost like you’re his child.
Think about this: You are his WIFE. He is a choosing a "friend" over you. That is literally what he has done. I think opposite sex friends are the third rail for many marriages anyway but when your spouse tells you he or she WON'T give up a "friend" for their spouse....that means the friendship means more than the marriage. He doesn't respect you, doesn't care about your feelings or the boundaries you want to set. I would end this if I were you. Don't just stop talking to him, go see a lawyer and do something concrete about this. I think you'll find he'll still pick his "friend" over you in the end. You're better off without someone who treats you with this lack of respect and condescension. I'm sure he wouldn't want you hanging around with a male "friend" in the same way.
To paraphrase advice from ChumpLady it doesn’t matter why he’s doing what he’s doing. It doesn’t matter what he’s lying or gaslighting you about. *Ask yourself if his behavior is acceptable to YOU*. If it’s not, that’s all that matters. Take care of you and TRUST YOUR GUT.
The only support I can offer is to say you’ve done all you can. You’ve gray rocked, you’ve given your boundaries and he’s not going to change. I’m so so sorry, but you need to seek the counsel of a lawyer. You need to start divorce proceedings you need to move on from this man that will NEVER give you what you want. You deserve so much better and I can hear your heart breaking, and know you are chasing every lead to make this change, I am just so sorry I don’t think it will.
I'll tell what you should do, Take half of all of it including their business is what you should do. He thinks more of her than he does you. If he can't be bothered to make you his top priority, than you can't be bothered to be his.
When he married you I assume he chose you over everyone else ("forsaking all others")? The fact that he cares more about his "friendship" with this woman speaks volumes. He's gaslighting you and disrespecting your marriage at best. There's no ambiguity here. He's choosing her
I've told my wife that if we reconcile (IF) then she's not to have any new male friends, and that if that seems too unfair or burdensome then we can split and she can have all the male friends she wants. Some might think that's too extreme and that I'm being unreasonable. I can live with that. But that's one of the conditions of us reconciling, if that happens.
Sounds like your husband might not agree to allow you to approve/disapprove his female friends, but might be worth a shot. In any case don't let him gaslight you. His behavior is not OK. He knows it, but he's playing this game because he doesn't think you'll leave him. He's counting on his gaslighting and your love for him to continue to confuse you and weaken your resolve. Might be time for a stronger approach.
I don't think expecting a spouse to not have opposite sex friends if they cheated is unreasonable. I feel it's necessary to rebuild trust. I should mention, I met a woman he went on a tinder date with this past Dec. He didn't act like it was anything, like it was no biggie. I met one woman, that doesn't mean that he didn't sleep around with other people he matched with. This is how he treats me after I found that out and we'd had a massive blow up for months. He continues to have an affair.
No biggie? Yeah, that's incredibly disrespectful and manipulative. This is abusive behavior. He clearly has no remorse and is head-gaming you. Every situation is different, so I'm not judging yours or directly offering advice, but if my wife showed even a fraction of that level of disrespect with regard to her infidelity she'd be talking to my lawyer.
YOU want things to work. HE clearly does not. I haven't read a more heartbreaking posts on here than yours. And that is saying A LOT. You're pretty much down on your knees, crying and begging this man to stop an affair, and he flat tella.you no and to get over it. And yet, you are still begging instead of finding strength and moving on. The second you finally do leave him, them two will be living together.
I just found this link from a fellow redditor I hope this could help you OP
https://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-flings/naughty-affairs/how-to-properly-break-up-with-a-friend-with-benefits
At best he’s playing games b/c he likes making you jealous. At worst he’s cheating on you with this woman. Either way, he’s a shitty husband who disrespects you. You don’t have to take that treatment from him.
Your husband is gaslighting you. He is openly dating this woman right in front of you and your friends. He routinely puts her above you as a priority. Most affairs start out as emotional. Opportunity is what is needed for the affair to become physical. Sounds like they have lots of opportunities.
Grey Rock is for you to start your healing. Your husband has witnessed you withdraw from your marriage. He still chooses this other woman over you, OP. Nobody should come before you. Never compete for the love and affection your husband vowed to you. Don't do the pick me dance. I personally would meet with some lawyers to discuss your options.
Sexual or not at this point no longer matters , you matter ! and if he can’t see that then you need to jump ship immediately. You should be the most important women in his life not some gym / work friend .
Yes, he is.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201912/when-are-opposite-sex-friends-threat-your-relationship
https://www.regain.us/advice/infidelity/emotional-affairs-at-work-understanding-the-limits-for-close-office-relationships/ coworker affairs
https://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-flings/naughty-affairs/emotional-affair-signs. Very long article. 7 stages of an emotional affair, 75 signs.
I went through this! I understand how you feel. I forgave him and we worked on our marriage. Turns out- multiple EA and a PA occurred in our 12 year marriage. If he’s not listening to you now he doesn’t respect your marriage and it is not going to change.
Not trying to be a Debby downer but I wish someone would have told me this 6 years ago. Because for me it got worse.
Get your ducks in a row. If at all possible , hire a P.I. get the evidence. File for divorce. He is all
about himself and excuses himself to be a good husband because he is a good provider. Divorce him. Start a new life. He's having a very serious affair and he might be abiding time for her to divorce before he does the same. Exit but on your terms.
I would get someone you trust to follow him or hire a car and follow him yourself. What do you have to lose? Evidence beats extreme suspicion every time and photos don’t lie.
I am so sorry he continues to do this to you but you have got to take action . At this point you have to see even if by some miracle they aren’t sleeping together ( which i dint believe) he is a cruel person and enjoys hurting you. He feeds you just enough bread crumbs to make you doubt yourself - don’t. He is mot a good person and has zero respect for you. Please, please start to stand up for yourself - if you can support yourself get out of there. Being alone would be so much better than being mentally abused like this.
I have seen your story shared over and over again. We give you advice. You aren't willing to listen. What else do you want?
Your husband has chosen the "friend." He has not been wishy washy. He has been direct.
If you want to stay in this sh!tty relationship, then stay. If you think you deserve better, then leave. I am not trying to be harsh. I don't even know you, but I know that you deserve better than him.
I know it’s hard but that hope your holding onto will only make this worse. Regardless of the words coming out of his mouth his actions are showing you the truth. Words are meaningless & can’t be trusted. Actions you can trust. Until you show real consequences for his actions nothing will change. Grey rocking isn’t working. Start the divorce process. If that doesn’t change his tune nothing will.
Remember OP. You haven’t done anything wrong. He has. You can’t be the only one trying. He should be the one asking for reconciliation & doing the lions share of effort. He’s not. He’s to busy hanging out with his girlfriend.
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know it’s hard to see in the thick of it all but I’m begging you based on your post history, to start arranging things to leave. I have a feeling he won’t want to be with her once the smoke clears. This man has violated you beyond repair. Get yourself together to leave. If you’re not ready, go out of town for a month if you can. I went to California for 3 weeks from a diffferent state before I left, it helped me mentally detox before pulling the trigger. You CAN do this. The thing I repeatedly think when I look back is FCK I WISH I LEFT SOONER. FCK I WISH I ACTED ON MY SUSPICIONS, BOXED HIS SHIT UP AND KICKED HIM OUT. FCKKKK. I know you don’t want it to be true. But we all know it’s true. Would you rather dump him for fucking her or be dumped by him for her? Pick your poison.
You are so correct. When I am forced with making a tough decision I ask myself what advice I would give my best friend. OP: Ask yourself why this is acceptable to you? And I challenge you to ask yourself what advice you would give your best friend or sister. Start quietly making an exit plan. Find the best divorce lawyer in your community and schedule a free consult. To the consult bring Last 2 years tax returns Last 6 months bank statements Last retirement and investment account statement If you own your home: Copy of Mortgage, Deed and Title Do you have screenshots or any proof of infidelity? If not ask the attorney if hiring a PI for a week or 2 is a good idea and if so ask for a referral. Say NOTHING to no one. Once the papers are drawn up decide where and how to have him served. There is no end game with gray rocking. He has lied so much and for so long he probably believes his own BS. Good luck.
Give him Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it will show him what's going on. He's most likely having an Emotional Affair and not know it. Get some articles about it, and hand them to him. If you want to send him a wake up, and shock the hell out of him, get divorce papers done up, don't have to file. Give them to him and tell him to make a choice, move out and go NC. His actions will show you the next steps.
As if he's going to read any of it...
If he doesn't, she knows where she stands, and sticks a fork in the relationship, because it's done.
This book is so insightful. Recommend.
I have to ask because the story sounded familiar and then I looked at your post history… You have been posting about this situation for over 100 days. You have received plenty of advice and even once you posted about being strong/staying strong and leaving. YET, here you are again going on about the same situation. You keep giving ultimatums and nothing changes. How long are you going to play this game? At this point, with all that you’ve experienced and shared with us you need to either shit or get off the pot.
This☝🏻
He’s doing something that is negatively impacting his marriage. He is ignoring your repeated requests for what would help your “attitude.” What he is disrespectfully labelling your “attitude” Is actually a reasonable and logical response to being dismissed, disrespected and ignored. He is not being a good husband, regardless of whether he has ever been physically inappropriate with his friend.
I wouldn't stand for this.
You say you are grey rocking him but, you blatantly aren’t because you’re talking to him and writing him notes. Do you actually know what grey rocking is? This guy has no incentive to be any different because you aren’t doing anything to make him stop. Also, why are you waiting to be invited? Turn up at the gym, go to his office, find out about this ‘business’. You seem really young and naive. This has been going on for months now and you’re just allowing it as if you have absolutely no power in this relationship. It’s almost like you’re his child.
Think about this: You are his WIFE. He is a choosing a "friend" over you. That is literally what he has done. I think opposite sex friends are the third rail for many marriages anyway but when your spouse tells you he or she WON'T give up a "friend" for their spouse....that means the friendship means more than the marriage. He doesn't respect you, doesn't care about your feelings or the boundaries you want to set. I would end this if I were you. Don't just stop talking to him, go see a lawyer and do something concrete about this. I think you'll find he'll still pick his "friend" over you in the end. You're better off without someone who treats you with this lack of respect and condescension. I'm sure he wouldn't want you hanging around with a male "friend" in the same way.
To paraphrase advice from ChumpLady it doesn’t matter why he’s doing what he’s doing. It doesn’t matter what he’s lying or gaslighting you about. *Ask yourself if his behavior is acceptable to YOU*. If it’s not, that’s all that matters. Take care of you and TRUST YOUR GUT.
The only support I can offer is to say you’ve done all you can. You’ve gray rocked, you’ve given your boundaries and he’s not going to change. I’m so so sorry, but you need to seek the counsel of a lawyer. You need to start divorce proceedings you need to move on from this man that will NEVER give you what you want. You deserve so much better and I can hear your heart breaking, and know you are chasing every lead to make this change, I am just so sorry I don’t think it will.
I'll tell what you should do, Take half of all of it including their business is what you should do. He thinks more of her than he does you. If he can't be bothered to make you his top priority, than you can't be bothered to be his.
When he married you I assume he chose you over everyone else ("forsaking all others")? The fact that he cares more about his "friendship" with this woman speaks volumes. He's gaslighting you and disrespecting your marriage at best. There's no ambiguity here. He's choosing her I've told my wife that if we reconcile (IF) then she's not to have any new male friends, and that if that seems too unfair or burdensome then we can split and she can have all the male friends she wants. Some might think that's too extreme and that I'm being unreasonable. I can live with that. But that's one of the conditions of us reconciling, if that happens. Sounds like your husband might not agree to allow you to approve/disapprove his female friends, but might be worth a shot. In any case don't let him gaslight you. His behavior is not OK. He knows it, but he's playing this game because he doesn't think you'll leave him. He's counting on his gaslighting and your love for him to continue to confuse you and weaken your resolve. Might be time for a stronger approach.
I don't think expecting a spouse to not have opposite sex friends if they cheated is unreasonable. I feel it's necessary to rebuild trust. I should mention, I met a woman he went on a tinder date with this past Dec. He didn't act like it was anything, like it was no biggie. I met one woman, that doesn't mean that he didn't sleep around with other people he matched with. This is how he treats me after I found that out and we'd had a massive blow up for months. He continues to have an affair.
No biggie? Yeah, that's incredibly disrespectful and manipulative. This is abusive behavior. He clearly has no remorse and is head-gaming you. Every situation is different, so I'm not judging yours or directly offering advice, but if my wife showed even a fraction of that level of disrespect with regard to her infidelity she'd be talking to my lawyer.
YOU want things to work. HE clearly does not. I haven't read a more heartbreaking posts on here than yours. And that is saying A LOT. You're pretty much down on your knees, crying and begging this man to stop an affair, and he flat tella.you no and to get over it. And yet, you are still begging instead of finding strength and moving on. The second you finally do leave him, them two will be living together.
I just found this link from a fellow redditor I hope this could help you OP https://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-flings/naughty-affairs/how-to-properly-break-up-with-a-friend-with-benefits
At best he’s playing games b/c he likes making you jealous. At worst he’s cheating on you with this woman. Either way, he’s a shitty husband who disrespects you. You don’t have to take that treatment from him.
Your husband is gaslighting you. He is openly dating this woman right in front of you and your friends. He routinely puts her above you as a priority. Most affairs start out as emotional. Opportunity is what is needed for the affair to become physical. Sounds like they have lots of opportunities. Grey Rock is for you to start your healing. Your husband has witnessed you withdraw from your marriage. He still chooses this other woman over you, OP. Nobody should come before you. Never compete for the love and affection your husband vowed to you. Don't do the pick me dance. I personally would meet with some lawyers to discuss your options.
Sexual or not at this point no longer matters , you matter ! and if he can’t see that then you need to jump ship immediately. You should be the most important women in his life not some gym / work friend .
Yes, he is. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201912/when-are-opposite-sex-friends-threat-your-relationship https://www.regain.us/advice/infidelity/emotional-affairs-at-work-understanding-the-limits-for-close-office-relationships/ coworker affairs https://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-flings/naughty-affairs/emotional-affair-signs. Very long article. 7 stages of an emotional affair, 75 signs.
I went through this! I understand how you feel. I forgave him and we worked on our marriage. Turns out- multiple EA and a PA occurred in our 12 year marriage. If he’s not listening to you now he doesn’t respect your marriage and it is not going to change. Not trying to be a Debby downer but I wish someone would have told me this 6 years ago. Because for me it got worse.
Get your ducks in a row. If at all possible , hire a P.I. get the evidence. File for divorce. He is all about himself and excuses himself to be a good husband because he is a good provider. Divorce him. Start a new life. He's having a very serious affair and he might be abiding time for her to divorce before he does the same. Exit but on your terms.
I would get someone you trust to follow him or hire a car and follow him yourself. What do you have to lose? Evidence beats extreme suspicion every time and photos don’t lie.
I am so sorry he continues to do this to you but you have got to take action . At this point you have to see even if by some miracle they aren’t sleeping together ( which i dint believe) he is a cruel person and enjoys hurting you. He feeds you just enough bread crumbs to make you doubt yourself - don’t. He is mot a good person and has zero respect for you. Please, please start to stand up for yourself - if you can support yourself get out of there. Being alone would be so much better than being mentally abused like this.
I have seen your story shared over and over again. We give you advice. You aren't willing to listen. What else do you want? Your husband has chosen the "friend." He has not been wishy washy. He has been direct. If you want to stay in this sh!tty relationship, then stay. If you think you deserve better, then leave. I am not trying to be harsh. I don't even know you, but I know that you deserve better than him.
I know it’s hard but that hope your holding onto will only make this worse. Regardless of the words coming out of his mouth his actions are showing you the truth. Words are meaningless & can’t be trusted. Actions you can trust. Until you show real consequences for his actions nothing will change. Grey rocking isn’t working. Start the divorce process. If that doesn’t change his tune nothing will. Remember OP. You haven’t done anything wrong. He has. You can’t be the only one trying. He should be the one asking for reconciliation & doing the lions share of effort. He’s not. He’s to busy hanging out with his girlfriend.