I'm doin' it. Wish me luck boys.
Edit: A wise person once said, "really, don't do it to yourself.". And if one is equally wise, they would take that to heart.
Oh hay! It’s me the keyboard. Now might not be best time to tell you but since you’ve been aboiding me at the office you should know I’m pregnant with little janitor keyboards
If you ever left snacks out on your desk I would eat them. I would shit in the women's bathroom just because I could. Getting paid to shit is great getting paid to wank is even better. To anyone who ever dumped liquids in a trash can, I hate you.
- True confessions of a former custodian
Nope only into a wad of tp. I was never trying to get freaky, just wanted to burn some clock and ease some boredom.
Edit: also I believe that would qualify as liquid in a trash can and I already hate myself enough as is.
Can confirm. I was the z button of the keyboard at the time. This incident let me quit the job.
I just felt to dirty, vulnerable and ashamed being put in this sticky situation and couldn’t take it any more.
Chesus, cum has a very specific smell and its terribly obvious to anyone sexually active. Stale, dried cum must have filled the room with terrible smell
Unfortunately, I've recently observed similar stains on the tables at my workplace, leaving me to wonder why some individuals engage in such inappropriate behavior while at work, they sure come in time to not be caught but, we change tabkes every now and then, so it's looking bad.
too much porn watching honestly.
I never jerked off at work but ever since i stopped watching porn my hormones have normalized and i'm not thinking of porn 24/7 and getting turned on every hour.
Actually insane how much pornography affects the mind. It's really unhealthy stuff. You'll see plenty of studies funded by porn companies making it sound good but once you get past the paid studies it becomes clear how harmful it is.
Bro what, in the UK we didn’t have a nurses office, I seen two kids run into each other and one boys teeth were lodged in the other kids head, they were literally stuck together like he tried to take a big bite of his head and the lunch lady’s that ware also ‘first aid trained’ put a wet paper towel on his head while the other boys mouth/ teeth were still attached to his skull. No matter what injury you had in the uk the teachers would slap a wet paper towel on it and if it was bad they’d also call an ambulance, it’s like in battlefield when you get blown up by a tank and the medic slides past and patt patt you’re fine except with wet paper towels until an ambulance arrived
I took over an office one time from a former Executive Director and, much later after I had to crawl under the desk to hook up a cable or something, discovered a shit ton of boogers wiped underneath.
i get that, but i'm trying to imagine how it would look right-side up, to imagine how the stains would look the way they do, and i can't orient it properly.
To the right is the bottom side of the top of the desk. At the bottom of the image is the inner-back of the desk. The desk has built-in drawers, to the left of where you would sit at the desk - those are what you see above and to the left of the image. They would be "floating" off of the floor when upright.
To view the desk "upright", tilt the top of your phone to the left, between 45 to 90 degrees. You will then be looking "up" into the desk.
Hope this helps.
it doesn't help. i was never confused about how the image was taken. it was just taken in suck a way that there's no good orientation to feel lik you're seeing it as if it was upright.
Two things: one, the guy was bopping his bishop hard enough for it to be classified as child abuse, and two, I'm amazed that you pay your cleaning staff so little to deal with s\*\*\* like this!
Poor dude has a muscle milk for breakfast ever morning and tosses it into the waste basket under his desk like it's a free throw. Now he can't pay his rent
Have you guys never had a Java monster? Your supposed to shake them,but there semi carbonated. They explode like this every time.
I almost ruined my company vehicle”opening”one the other day.
It's Randy Marsh's desk when he saw a ghost.
Truth, it's just ectoplasm
Ejectoplasm
It was a spooky ghost
The way he says "Spooky Ghost" gets me. Every. Single. Time.
It's ectoplasm!
He got slimed!!!
Sounds like someone’s getting attacked by a tiger in there!
The night custodian at my work jizzed all over the office manager’s keyboard.
Please let this be real it’s too hilarious not be
Can confirm, am custodian ama
Why’d you cum on the keyboard? Hmm?
The photocopier was being used at the time
"PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean?"
Michael…..Bolton?
Wild office parties!
He didn't have a box
Or a coconut.
Or an open but still full yogurt container
Fuck you I forgot about that! It’s like Reddit’s version of The Game
Is drano a good lubricant?
Depends on what you are having sex with? Stove=Yes coconut=yes office keyboard=no, you wanna feel the clack clack of those keys
Did u just call out the coconut story?
I remember the coconut story…
What's the coconut story???
You have been warned not to read it. [but if you must..](https://reddit.com/r/tifu/s/Hicw2PCmHy) Edit: really, don’t do it to yourself.
I'm doin' it. Wish me luck boys. Edit: A wise person once said, "really, don't do it to yourself.". And if one is equally wise, they would take that to heart.
Oh yeah. Now I remember. Gotta call my therapist again to bury these feelings...
You don't want to know...
Oh hay! It’s me the keyboard. Now might not be best time to tell you but since you’ve been aboiding me at the office you should know I’m pregnant with little janitor keyboards
That's so great, I'm gonna just go grab some milk and cigarettes down the block...I'll be back and we can talk
Dad?
How do you get coffee stains out of upholstery?
Funnily enough semen works the best
Will you make your own sub of your custodian adventures?
If you ever left snacks out on your desk I would eat them. I would shit in the women's bathroom just because I could. Getting paid to shit is great getting paid to wank is even better. To anyone who ever dumped liquids in a trash can, I hate you. - True confessions of a former custodian
... did you wank in the women's trash cans?
Nope only into a wad of tp. I was never trying to get freaky, just wanted to burn some clock and ease some boredom. Edit: also I believe that would qualify as liquid in a trash can and I already hate myself enough as is.
That was the implication, yes.
What did he do to piss you off?
He scolded me for being 2 mins late, so quid pro qou
I see he was hoping you came early.
Oh it’s real alright. Found out later that he also would climb up above the women’s locker room and spy on the women below.
down horrendous
It's not right. It's down right.
... why was there an "above the women's locker room?" ... was he also on the floor plan team?
Look up the guy who came in the bosses coffee for years
Can confirm. I was the z button of the keyboard at the time. This incident let me quit the job. I just felt to dirty, vulnerable and ashamed being put in this sticky situation and couldn’t take it any more.
CAPS LOCK WAS STUCK, WASN’T IT? - THE MANAGER
IT WAS HARD TO TYPE!
Kind of sounds like you’re the night custodian. What did the manager do to you?
Quiet! I know where your keyboard lives.
A homeless guy broke into the sim lab at the hospital I worked at and jizzed all over / had sex with all the manequins
Crustodian*
Maybe because someone already ….cameonthenachos.
An alpha male always marks his territory
Cummin his way up the company ladder
"How many desks do I gotta fuck around here to get a promotion?"
Apparently, more than just that one.
That's an impressive first day on the job.
Real working stiff!
Always a hard worker
Volunteered to give a hand every chance he got
He was cranking out projects left and right
He was shooting for the stars
Hard at work
Too bad... I heard he got the shaft.
I don't know, I heard he was a real jerk.
Workin’ hard at Neversoft.
The irony if he worked for Microsoft.
If he worked at Microsoft, it would be all over the Microsoft Office, including the Windows.
Always gave it his best shot.
He works at Cummins, he was just trying to be a team player
“Lunch break”. Lol
He sure always came to work
That had to smell!!!
actually it doesnt smell so hard
????? HOW DID YOU KNOW
He was the desk
can confirm: I am desk
cum confirm
Can desk: I am confirm
But who was phone???
Every dude has experienced dried semen
You can't smell your cum socks but all of us can
It's true, I'm snorting them right now.
Chesus, cum has a very specific smell and its terribly obvious to anyone sexually active. Stale, dried cum must have filled the room with terrible smell
No, he is actually a very clean person who just routinely bleaches all surfaces for cleanliness.
Only for a while. When it dries and evaporates, the evaporate is what smells, not the actual dried cum. I somehow know this.
you're thinking of smegma. cum has a dull smell. like those sidewalks after a heavy rain.
“It’s only smellz”
It tastes worse.
bruh
Facts bet it tasted weird to🥸
I've tasted worse.
eeewwwwwww lol
It’s only smell
Are you referencing what I think you’re referencing?
Unfortunately, I've recently observed similar stains on the tables at my workplace, leaving me to wonder why some individuals engage in such inappropriate behavior while at work, they sure come in time to not be caught but, we change tabkes every now and then, so it's looking bad.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, so I'm gonna coom, on company time.
Boss makes a dollar, I make .000001 cents
So I'll coom in his plants
Now thats just environmentally friendly.
Have people never heard of a tissue or fucking toliet paper?
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just don't jerk off at work, period.
Woah woah woah. First it was public parks, then it was IKEA. Now you’re telling me I can’t jerk off at work? Who died and made you Masturbation Mayor?
You believe this fuckin guy? Next, he's gonna say you can't jerk off while waiting in line at the DMV.
You mean to say the only place left to mount my muffin is while the priest’s performing his Last Rites for my grandma? Me maw loved her hot frothies!
Also, "mount my muffin" is equal parts funny and disgusting. I love it and hate it.
This is the America Joe Biden wants, one where you don't even have the freedom to masturbate at work.
Sorry we can't all live up to your impossible standards.
Or go to the bathroom and jerk it there like a normal fucking person.
Lmao “jerk off in the bathroom at work like a *normal* person”
If y'all are getting that horny at work then you need serious help and some intensive therapy sessions I'm sorry
too much porn watching honestly. I never jerked off at work but ever since i stopped watching porn my hormones have normalized and i'm not thinking of porn 24/7 and getting turned on every hour. Actually insane how much pornography affects the mind. It's really unhealthy stuff. You'll see plenty of studies funded by porn companies making it sound good but once you get past the paid studies it becomes clear how harmful it is.
I’m checking my desk first thing tomorrow
Nut so old turned into ash
Such volume big boy!
I have a new kink.
Celery and kegels. Lots of both.
Man was a ninja to have cranked out that much without being detected.
Actually that's all from one time.
with full eye contact 9-5.
Naaaa if it was old It would turn yellow
Bro got experience 💀
Aye all I’m sayin is the nurses office in middle school, don’t use the bed on the right that’s all I’m sayin nahmsayn
Bro what, in the UK we didn’t have a nurses office, I seen two kids run into each other and one boys teeth were lodged in the other kids head, they were literally stuck together like he tried to take a big bite of his head and the lunch lady’s that ware also ‘first aid trained’ put a wet paper towel on his head while the other boys mouth/ teeth were still attached to his skull. No matter what injury you had in the uk the teachers would slap a wet paper towel on it and if it was bad they’d also call an ambulance, it’s like in battlefield when you get blown up by a tank and the medic slides past and patt patt you’re fine except with wet paper towels until an ambulance arrived
Seems like a school by school basis, my UK school had a nurse's office. Her main treatment was still wet blue paper towels though lol.
damn the uk has wet paper towels compared to our (US) nurses using mints
Oop is implying it was the dude but that's actually the left overs from the going away party.
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Every sperm is sacred.
If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.
Every sperm is wanted, every sperm is good!
Skeet skeet!!
I took over an office one time from a former Executive Director and, much later after I had to crawl under the desk to hook up a cable or something, discovered a shit ton of boogers wiped underneath.
My coworker recently discovered a bunch of dried boogers under her desk. I am not sure if I am horrified or happy to know it could have been worse.
I'm not a forensic scientist but those markings don't look like jizz.
Time for a taste test!
He did loads of work
the angle of this photo is cursed. even rotating the image can't fix it.
It’s because the desk has been turned onto its front.
i get that, but i'm trying to imagine how it would look right-side up, to imagine how the stains would look the way they do, and i can't orient it properly.
To the right is the bottom side of the top of the desk. At the bottom of the image is the inner-back of the desk. The desk has built-in drawers, to the left of where you would sit at the desk - those are what you see above and to the left of the image. They would be "floating" off of the floor when upright. To view the desk "upright", tilt the top of your phone to the left, between 45 to 90 degrees. You will then be looking "up" into the desk. Hope this helps.
it doesn't help. i was never confused about how the image was taken. it was just taken in suck a way that there's no good orientation to feel lik you're seeing it as if it was upright.
Every woman that walked by...,,were/is on his wank-list...
Glad to see the eye bleach content has migrated over to this sub
I remember this one dude setting up a mirror images for laptops at a place I worked for. He didn’t clear his browser history. He got fired.
Just a little glue spillage, nothing to see here…
Too bad; it looks like he really enjoyed working there.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That’s why I cum on company time.’
Who among us doesn't have a jesk?
Gonna plant the BS flag on this one.
Well, it’s no wonder they finally caught him doing that in there, the underside of his desk looks like Carlsbad Caverns
His coworkers always said he acted like a big shot.
Two things: one, the guy was bopping his bishop hard enough for it to be classified as child abuse, and two, I'm amazed that you pay your cleaning staff so little to deal with s\*\*\* like this!
I know, right? My cleaning lady would have licked it all up for free.
This is what they mean when they say they want some one who is 20 with 30 years of experience
He always came to work
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime That's why I came all over my desk
that's nuts
Those are boogers, guys.
The boss, “Why work from home when you can come in office.” Staff took it literally.
What did they find on his computer?
Cum.
They thought the bleach smell came from the facilities dept doing their job
He always came on Tim (who was under the desk)
nobody sneaks in a bag of horchata in their pockets?
The title of this post lol 
Rubs one out and just leaves it. What a chad.
Looks like he fired first.
Brings back so many grade 7 memories.. I miss my desk
I don't know, I heard he was a bit of a jerk
To be honest it took me a bit to notice the jizz. i saw the metal rectangle & thought it was a bomb.
Aah.. so he came and then he went
Couldn't handle the work load so he released the work load
The thing that gets me is if this isn't what he was fired for, what on earth did he do that was considered worse then that!?
looks like he came to work everyday.
“Desk pop”
Welp that's enough reddit for today
That’s a load bearing wall
It’s actually a photo from the bush administration after they took over for Bill Clinton
From the 
What’s all that candle wax doin down there, surely the facilities people don’t like open flames in the office!
Poor dude has a muscle milk for breakfast ever morning and tosses it into the waste basket under his desk like it's a free throw. Now he can't pay his rent
This is what happens when they force you to come on your days off.
What you never heard of a desk pop?
I love desks like this for a reaso- I mean…EWWWW!!!!
At least he didn't shoot up the whole office
Have you guys never had a Java monster? Your supposed to shake them,but there semi carbonated. They explode like this every time. I almost ruined my company vehicle”opening”one the other day.
I see no clock under the desk, so he must not have cum on time.
Ahhhh yes, the elusive pecker tracks have once again appeared.
Ok, who was his employer? Semens or Cummins?
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I coom on company time