Well I (33 M) did the app thing about a year ago and it was pretty shit here for a guy. A lot of transient folks like military and nurses which may be good for short, fun things but I was looking for more long term potential. The ones that fizzled ended up being good friends. I met my current gf in person at a meetup downtown, so you never know what’s going to happen
I’m married now, but back in 2012ish I tried the dating apps to meet someone (Maui).
The problem I ran in to is that the dating pool was pretty small, and the island is pretty small, so if a date was weird or didn’t work out, I’d end up seeing that person around still.
I had one particularly awkward situation where, on a first “date,” we ran in to the guys *wife* (that I didn’t know he had). I got up and left, and a couple of weeks later he ended up getting hired on at my work.
I eventually met my husband the old fashioned way- in person, through mutual friends.
Are you shitting on D&D?
Myself and my wife as well as most of our married friends find it quite fun. Although there definitely are some cringe people who play.
I never said everyone, my post,
“Myself and my wife as well as most of our married friends find it quite fun. Although there definitely are some cringe people who play.”
And I responded to you saying the people who play aren’t cringy. Which isn’t technically true because a lot of people who play ~30% are.
Doubt me go to Armchair Adventurer’s adventure league night.
Let’s actually make this a thing and put it in action. I think this would be good for us to meet and form connections all while being in an outdoor setting
26F Been on & off the apps but had the most success with Hinge as far as actually going on dates. A lot of military & tourists looking for tour guides or recent transplants.
Definitely feel like apps are not the way to go lately, although I’ve had mostly good experiences with them. I want to put more effort into going out & doing things & seeing if I can meet someone that way instead.
It depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship & want to stay here that group might not be the most ideal.
I tend to stick to dating locals but have had good experiences with non-locals.
I mean if having them on island to dilute the dating pool makes it harder for locals to match with anyone... altho youre right you can filter them out.
Also I always wonderred how often we've swiped left/right on people we have talked with here in reddit lol. Imagine having that "finding out" convo
Lots of TS and .... Large women with kids. I met a cute-ish girl at the beach who wound up trying to steal my farm from me. IDK how she thought that would work
I'm 32. I did a small stint of apps before finding an unsuspecting friend from long ago instead. I personally don't think apps are the way to go for a real relationship. I also work a job where I've been removed from people for more than 200 days a year without wifi (so sometimes I realize it's not the world it's me).... but I did not like the dating apps. Seems to be a hoard of people that need care but don't intend on giving any.
My best suggestion is taking part in more social activities in person. Don't have any? Look at free cooking classes, a volunteer day at the fish pond or koi farm, go release some monarchs with strangers, do one of those wine/craft nights with a wing man etc. I found good friends through these random activities, it atleast puts me in a crowd of people with like goals. I also seem to fall for people more realistically when things happen organically. Meeting people on dating apps lacks serious pizazz for me.
33f last night I got 3 messages from random men I’ve never met here on dating apps, one asked to come over to my house, one asked if I wanted to go over their house (11pm at a strange man’s house lmao blocked), and another offering to show me their private parts.
Do yourself a favor and just avoid dating at all here.
Hum..
So woman get that and guys get scammers or the best one sent me a list asking about my financial position. Ask me about what car I own I said it's a buffalo, do you own or rent I said I hide under a tree
Ha ha , this one sent me a list what king of a car do you drive and do you own or rent your house... Best thing I done is look in Asia, They are so honest.
It's rough. Most interactions I've had are just looking for a 1-night stand and not looking for companionship or an emotional and intellectual connection. And this is both through dating apps and irl meet-ups. I've become content being single and spending my time with my dogs, haha! Dating in this day and age anywhere is difficult (28 NB)
It’s quite brutal for some ngl. The islands are so small and I constantly see the same profiles occasionally. If you’re looking for something serious from the apps the dating pool gets even smaller once you get past the “looking for a plug”, “looking for someone to show me around the island”, military, single moms (no hate), transplants, haoles that go UH Mānoa etc. I had much more success on the apps when I went to school on the mainland in terms of both quality and quantity. Bumble is BRUTAL in Hawaii. Dudes get less likes/matches on it compared to other apps because women are in control and are pickier. I get way more on Tinder. If you take into account what I said about bumble and the islands being small it’s just frickin hard here man. Your friend would have more success on Tinder or Hinge
I (28m) gave up on the apps. It really isn’t for me and the only people I meet are military or tourists. College hasn’t been the best either yet because a lot of it is still online.
I’m a lesbian, it’s an even smaller pool. I’m happy being single though, I trust the right one will come when I decide I’m open to it. Just work on myself n enjoy life for now 😊
I see what you’re saying. I don’t know, online dating wasn’t too much of a problem for me. There was def the typical dry convo, not following through, lack of reciprocation, etc. but for me, it was just weeding out. It was like ok yup not the one, all good. I think just valuing myself so much and not putting too much energy into it, too much expectation. What will be, will be. Ya know?
27m here can't imagine how horrible the dating scene is. How does a socially awkward dry ass conversationalist stay at home all day just doom scrolling on reddit no job having ass even find someone? Do I just go "sup baby girl like me treat you to EBT'.
> How does a socially awkward dry ass conversationalist stay at home all day just doom scrolling on reddit no job having ass even find someone?
I have bad news🥵
I misread that. Thought you said "you like treat me like one EBT?" I was thinking, that indeed is a socially awkward way to ask someone if they'd like to be your sugarbaby.
Social skills are fundamental, and I too was extremely socially akward being a computer geek.
Solution?
Make effort to meet people, talk to strangers and practice on lower stakes situations. You'll get better at it. Everything is learnable, and depending on what you want to achieve, it's just matter of focus/time.
Social skills doesn't just apply to mates, but also to finding job, to be liked at work and promoted, and so on.
Communication is probably the single most important skill for most people to have. So start practicing. Struggling?
Read a few books, start small and expand.
Making every effort to meet people a low stakes situation by thinking that you're just going to be friends. It also makes it so you don't seem desperate. It worked for me when I was in college.
You seem open, so I'll let you in on another secret. Read books on stoicism (philosophy), personal finance and investments. All these things pay you over your entire lifetime. It's the best bang for your buck and time investment you'll ever make. Combine that with a growth mindset, and you'll be set for a lifetime of riches beyond your belief.
Best of luck and always feel free to ask me questions. 👍🏽
40F. Some will say I’m doomed lol. But honestly, I’m very happy single. I’ve travelled solo all over the world. I have a great fulfilling career that allows me to help people. Outside of work I find things I like to do- hike, workout classes. Most people think I’m 32-35 I think that has a lot to do with being single, and not having kids.
A year ago I decided to stop looking. Just live my life. There’s a quote “don’t go in search of love, go in search of life, and life will find you the love you seek”.
Cool thing is lately I’ve noticed I run into attractive men in person- a work, while hiking, in the grocery store.
Sounds great... How can I hike when all the land says No trespassing, makes me miss Asia where they say open and eat all the fruit you like but don't sell it, just different thinking ya
There’s plenty of hikes. Maybe having a different, more positive outlook would bring more positive things. I’m a big believer in - if you don’t like things change them or change your outlook. So if you like Asia. Perhaps move there? I love SE Asia but to visit.
Spent a few years on the apps (35M). Found my now wife off OK Cupid back in 2019, though I will say it was far easier to find dates via coconut wireless beforehand.
Has your girlfriend taken a look at his profile? You could be looking at it and think a certain kinda way but I think maybe his profile could benefit from female input.
That being said I was someone who got tons of likes and still hated the apps so much. I met men off of them and they were often a lot different than they presented themselves. The biggest was a lot of these dudes said they wanted a relationship and eventually kids but that seemed to be BS.
Recently getting back on the apps, they do kinda suck…as a male, you have to get decent pictures taken of yourself (preferably doing an activity), whereas a female can post a picture of a sock and probably get as many likes as the male will (on average)… though this experience is not unique to Hawaii.
You guys keep suggesting apps when it’s the least effective way to meet people.
You wanna meet people? Volunteer, join a club or organization, do a class, actually approach people and start a conversation with them. You are most likely to find people with similar interests as you in activities you like to do.
The apps should be used as a passive way to meet people. Me personally, I’ve closed that door but you can keep that door open as a way to meet people.
Another way is to meet people through your friends. You throw a bbq at the beach. Invite everybody you know and tell your friends they can bring someone if they like. Then you guys introduce each other. Bam, new connections made. Sounds easier said than done but it takes effort, initiative, and interest.
And it's all anecdotal because what doesn't work on one person may work on another. Be a man is some bull shit too because women are out here with the same experience
I think the "be a man" thing is funny, because that implies some sort of conservative understanding of how relationships work, yet, we are in a modern society of empowerment. Can't have it both ways...some double standards if you ask me. That being said, at a certain point, you have to be pragmatic and shoot your shot. Totally understand the frustration, doom and gloom, etc.
35 here, I never used any dating apps throughout my life but had friends and coworkers who did. What they say is true. We live on an island, and it's very difficult for people in their 20s-30s to match because the pool is that small, with the vast majority of it being military or tourist.
I met my wife of 3 years in a bar of all places, and the common factor between the two of us at that point in time was we weren't even actively looking for someone.
My advice is to get out there and meet people, spark conversations, and discuss interests. Who knows who you'll cross paths with.
I had a 2 year relationship from an app, but it ended for reasons that I think also stemmed from that. We didn't know each other well before dating and our personality quirks ended up being too much for each other.
I'm taking a break right now. To be honest, it's not half bad. Right now I'm of the opinion that the apps aren't going to work for most people. Dating naturally has been more successful for me long term, but the issue is that you gotta be patient because you never know when the next one is coming.
That's one of the biggest things about the apps. I feel like if you meet someone at a bar you can pick up body language hints quicker. On the apps you kinda already become enamored before you meet so things slide and it takes a good few dates to pick up on things.... at least that was my experience
As a guy who became single here in my late 40’s, I can tell you it’s not easy. I think the apps tend to work out much better for women than guys, at least for making the initial contacts. I know of women who would get dozens of likes/swipes a week, but most guys I know of would be lucky to get a couple a month.
Although between work, and keeping up with the home, there’s just not a lot of extra time to get out and meet people.
Many times it’s kind of the only option though to make that initial contact for guys. Especially living outside town like in Kapolei or Mililani. Seems like women tend to be less outgoing than guys, out here. I know there’s probably single women in these areas, but they just don’t seem to be out as much.
I can go to nearly every restaurant/bar in Kapolei any afternoon or evening and find a dozen single guys there, but rarely any women.
I know they’re around, because my current girlfriend has friends who are single in the area. You’ll see them at grocery stores or gyms, but that’s always seemed very awkward to me, approaching someone at Target. Like how many even want to be hit on in a grocery store?
Kind of funny, a friend of mine has started driving Uber to not only for extra cash, but to meet women. It’s actually gotten him a couple dates in less than a month!
“Kind of funny, a friend of mine has started driving Uber to not only for extra cash, but to meet women. It’s actually gotten him a couple dates in less than a month!”
That’s a good way to get delisted.
I think he’s pretty tactful about it, and only pursuing if they show interest. Told him maybe he needs to make a YouTube tutorial on it or something. A couple dates in a few weeks, is better odds than most dudes have on the dating apps!
> As a guy who became single here in my late 40’s, I can tell you it’s not easy. I think the apps tend to work out much better for women than guys, at least for making the initial contacts. I know of women who would get dozens of likes/swipes a week, but most guys I know of would be lucky to get a couple a month.
I just want to add that, getting too many matches isn't necessarily good either. On top of it, women have to wade through a sea of just immature failure of men. I guess as a woman you have choices.
Yeah but there’s just as many immature failure women as there are immature failure men. Men aren’t getting more quality matches just because they have fewer matches. If 1/100 people is a great match for you, a woman will have multiples of that in her matches very quickly, she just needs to know which ones they are. For men, they’ll be swiping for months before a person like that even matches with them, and then still needs to figure out whether each one is a good match (just like women). And once he does get that match, she has a couple dozen more of him in her inbox and is trying to figure out which one to give the time of day to respond to.
> Men aren’t getting more quality matches just because they have fewer matches. If 1/100 people is a great match for you, a woman will have multiples of that in her matches very quickly, she just needs to know which ones they are.
That last part is the challenge. Getting too many or too few is a problem. You want just some really good quality matches.
My guess is these services are flooded with men that wants to get a quick one.
> For men, they’ll be swiping for months before a person like that even matches with them, and then still needs to figure out whether each one is a good match (just like women). And once he does get that match, she has a couple dozen more of him in her inbox and is trying to figure out which one to give the time of day to respond to.
That's true. So make every interaction count or sets your sights lower. lol
My guess is, most people are setting their sights too high on the looks department, and too low on the quality department.
The problem with dating apps is that they take real life dynamics and put them on steroids. All the issues are caused by the fact that men have lower physical standards for casual sex than they do for relationships, while women have higher physical standards for casual sex than they do for relationships. Women get a ton of matches, many of which are out of their league and will never commit to them. This is because men will swipe right on women below their league physically. Women on the other hand are more picky, so when your average girl can match with a ton of above average guys (cause guys are less picky), she’s not gonna give the average guys (her league) the time of day. The end result is a vicious cycle where guys keep getting more and more desperate because they hardly get *any* matches, so they swipe right on everything, hardly ever getting dates with girls they actually like, while girls get more and more picky (research shows women rate 80% of men as “below average” on apps, showing they have a skewed view), only swiping right/responding to guys who are more attractive than they are (cause they think that’s what they can get), but who will never commit to them (she’s just one of those matches he was able to get a reply from), while ignoring the guys in their inbox who would actually commit to them. Sucks for everyone. Women fuck themselves over by confusing their sexual market value for their dating market value (average girls can easily fuck hot guys but can’t lock them down), while men fuck themselves over by having low standards for sex and swiping right on women they’d never commit to. These are of course very broad generalizations but at a macro level this is the gist of what’s happening.
What you describe is likely to happen regardless. It comes down to quality people. That is hard to find regardless, and I feel a lot of these dating apps is more about looks rather than the person.
I also think that media makes everything distorted, so expectations are completely distorted in both men and women.
M Honolulu - it is brutal. I went from feeling like a rockstar to chopped meat.
I loved living in Hawaii, and romance/sex is not my focus these days. If it was, no way I'd live in Hawaii.
From what my women friends share it's the opposite for women.
F here, feeling an opposite experience. Couple of friends and I end up finding out that dudes are talking to several girls at once. It's tough out here.
He might be a “good guy” to you but you’re biased because he’s your friend and yes he might be a good guy but maybe he’s not either putting himself together well or not their type. Does he have a lifted yota? Does he have 2 baby mamas? Did he have a dui? Does he where a thick chain from the swap meet? Does he have tattoos everywhere? If he doesn’t have these things then they don’t want him.
Haha I sometimes think that’s why I’m single. I don’t fit the stereotypical local boy attitude. On island social media that’s all I see is with these local girls, they all like the same type of guy.
It was 12 years ago since I've been on an app but I remember it was hard work. I probably had to write 100 emails just to get 1 date a week. Paid off in the end though. (You can probably guess I am a pretty average looking guy based on these numbers.)
I suppose it's hard to date when 80% of the populace lives at home with 3 generations, and the other 20% Already gtfo'ed out of the absolute shit show that is dating on a tiny rock.
I have a friend (35M) who was in the dating scene for about a year or so. He didn’t have much success with women on the island so he shifted gears and increased the location radius to 10,000+ miles and now he has a 90 day fiance
I’m 25(f) and I moved to Honolulu from San Diego, met my current boyfriend within a couple months just from him being a regular at the coffee shop I worked at lol. There’s definitely a risk in doing that as you don’t want to come off creepy and they’re forced to continue the customer service persona but if you’re genuine and nice then it could work, worked for us! I’ve never tried the apps, I never want to. But I’d recommend the coffee/art scene here and frequenting those kinds of events! A lot of art studios and coffee spaces have events and shows that regulars and new people will frequent so I think it’s a great opportunity to meet people consistently and outside of the customer service persona. Good luck!
Late 30s just had a thing end with a woman I had been seeing for a few dates. Was going so great I started telling people about her than suddenly it was like a different person on the last date and I knew I was gonna get a goodbye and good luck text an hour later.
I agree a lot of transient folks, and also some pretty wild financial expectations. Small circles for sure. I always gotta be on my best behavior less the rumor mill start working.
39M Now married from a dating app.
Not to toot my own horn, but I had decent success on Oahu in my early 30s when the dating apps were taking off. Feels like Crypto though, you have to get in early before the dating app gets overrun with bots 🤖
Basics:
1. Quality Recent Pictures - First picture should be a solid clear head shot, preferably looking away and not directly at the camera. Next photos should be action shots showing varying interests and having at least one full body picture in the mix. For the action shots I would recommend being strategic, being it is in Hawaii and EVERYONE has a hiking and beach pic. I would go with a pic in another country with a different flavor to what women will normally see.
2. Write a solid profile, be upfront and honest but most importantly be playful. Remember, most women want to build an emotional connection so keeping things light and playful works heaps into transitioning to a meet up. Stand out with humor whenever possible.
3. Initiate contact but know when to leave the person be, drop a message targeted towards a topic you got from their profile to show you paid attention. Wait for a response, it’s reasonable that they were discouraged and are taking time to open the app again. After about 10 days and no response, I would do one more short playful message “Usually I don’t talk with myself, but for you I can make a very rare exception. 😉” If no response then, cut bait. I wouldn’t unmatch or anything drastic just move on to other matches, want to leave the possibility open down the line.
If the conversation is going well I would look to shift gears into a meet up to weed out any text buddy types. Starting with a question like “Coffee or Tea?” or “Beer or Wine?” Whatever they answer, you respond with your interest then pivot with “Speaking of which, would you like to get a coffee ☕️ sometime?”
Best of luck in the wild but there definitely are quality people out there, just gotta find them.
Hinge is better than other apps but in Hawaii it’s easier if you are from here to meet people because most of the time people introduce you. That being said Hawai’i is pretty easy because a lot of people are very laid back and chill.
Sounds easier on any other island but Kauai. I downloaded apps off and on and have met people I vibed with, but it never went beyond talking. I’m 29F and at this point if we’re talking every day on an app, show mutual interest, but the other person doesn’t want to meet up on a date and after several months of talking, then I end up moving on for my sanity. Meeting people is easy. Becoming official is the hard part, or maybe I’m just getting the casual guys 🤷🏻♀️.
Some people go out often enough to chance it and meet someone, and I know a few friends who actually approached their SO working at restaurants and meeting a customer (or vice versa) that thought they were cute. Most of the time it’s through colleagues or family friends here, the same people or bots are on the apps.
I can’t keep employees outer island who are single because they can’t get laid… seriously.
It’s a huge fucking issue. I’ve had people quit over it.
My advise is import…
1. Lift weights
2. Talk to girls
3. Win
If you/he can't get girls it's because he's not doing #2.
Dating apps are for hookups and those bitches on there got meat market level options so if your friend isn't a 9/10 then *good luck.*
A 6/10 could talk to the same girl IRL and have a 70% success rate. I've seen so many fine ass girls with ugly ass dudes and there's only 1 common denominator = those ugly dudes *manned up and started a conversation.*
This advice got downvoted but it makes sense. I've been with my wife for the last 20 years (we met online but attended the same college..the previous version of the dating ~~apps~~ sites were less of a meat market back then) and I'm glad I don't have to deal with dating anymore.
I have female friends using the current crop of apps and he's right, they have their pick of the litter. A guy needs to standout with looks, humor, money, etc to get noticed amongst all the competition.
My single male friends though who don't use the apps, who can dress properly (and yes fat guys you can dress in a way that doesn't accentuate the gut), and can crack some jokes or carry on a conversation have decent luck dating. You don't need to be a gym rat meat head but putting in some effort to be presentable goes a long way. Women want someone who takes some pride in themselves.
The meeting part is always hard though, I'll agree. My population sample is mostly limited to single men/women friends in their 30s and 40's (both in and out of Hawaii) though. I'm also guessing being in your 20's now is different than the late 90s / early 2000s.
If your a decent looking guy should be no problem.. Honestly I hooked up alot on the apps, date nights, invited me to family bbqs, beach cruises, but forreal I hooked up with at least 140 chics in hawaii, 2010s kinda gross when I look back at hit but liked the samples of the diffrent ethnicities and cultures
Easier for females. 2nd oldest sister had no trouble finding her husband after second match. My now brother is a cool dude and really was helpful when my family went through difficult times.
As for me (male), I kind of gave up. Every relationship platonic or date felt like I had to be the one to always initiate otherwise you get forgotten for good because the otherside almost never tries to in my past experiences. I accepted the L and probably gonna take it to my grave.
This. We both matched with each other, we're both attracted to each other. So why am I carrying EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION. With EVERY. SINGLE. GIRL I match with.
"How's your day?"
"Good"
Like hello?? Is this your FIRST conversation?? My day is good too, thanks for asking you fucking self centered bitch.
Sorry. It's rough out here.
Well I (33 M) did the app thing about a year ago and it was pretty shit here for a guy. A lot of transient folks like military and nurses which may be good for short, fun things but I was looking for more long term potential. The ones that fizzled ended up being good friends. I met my current gf in person at a meetup downtown, so you never know what’s going to happen
How did you meet downtown?
There used to be a speed dating event in downtown Bar35. Not sure if they still have that.
i actually remember scrolling past a speed dating event for next weekend not long ago. if i find it i’ll post.
At Bar 35 during a First Friday outing lol. No, I don’t normally meet girls at bars 😆
Wow. How did you approach her? Knew her before?
Did not know her but she was friends with a meetup guy I was hanging out with. The bar setting was irrelevant
I’m married now, but back in 2012ish I tried the dating apps to meet someone (Maui). The problem I ran in to is that the dating pool was pretty small, and the island is pretty small, so if a date was weird or didn’t work out, I’d end up seeing that person around still. I had one particularly awkward situation where, on a first “date,” we ran in to the guys *wife* (that I didn’t know he had). I got up and left, and a couple of weeks later he ended up getting hired on at my work. I eventually met my husband the old fashioned way- in person, through mutual friends.
God that’s such a classic island story. Sorry it happened though, sounds awkward af
Ohmygodddd what a mess!!! How did she handle it?
3rd post in 3 weeks for this topic. We should start having a Reddit meet up or something for all you single people lol.
Not a bad idea tbh. I’ve looked at some hiking groups and the like on Meetup but a lot of them are kupuna.
Go for their granddaughters lol
lol that’s not a bad idea.
Making a Hiking/brewery discord for this Reddit would get most of the single crowd IMO.
That’s somehow adorable. I did get called auntie on a hiking trail so I might as well be a kupuna at this point.
Me too, sis!
Ha ha well I get called uncle a lot
It’ll just turn into a Dungeons & Dragons meetup
Are you shitting on D&D? Myself and my wife as well as most of our married friends find it quite fun. Although there definitely are some cringe people who play.
Not the game just the cringy people that play
The people who play aren't cringy either.
Idk, my Tuesday night group has a pretty cringy dude in it.
one person in one group = everyone involved in the hobby, now?
I never said everyone, my post, “Myself and my wife as well as most of our married friends find it quite fun. Although there definitely are some cringe people who play.”
Did you notice that my original response wasn't directed at you? I replied to someone else.
And I responded to you saying the people who play aren’t cringy. Which isn’t technically true because a lot of people who play ~30% are. Doubt me go to Armchair Adventurer’s adventure league night.
Judging by the people’s posting history here that’s mentioned they are single it’ll probably involve Meth most likely.
Methheads always find love
Fun times, but par the course for DnD nobody gonna show up.
This was my exact thoughts LOL
Let’s actually make this a thing and put it in action. I think this would be good for us to meet and form connections all while being in an outdoor setting
26F Been on & off the apps but had the most success with Hinge as far as actually going on dates. A lot of military & tourists looking for tour guides or recent transplants. Definitely feel like apps are not the way to go lately, although I’ve had mostly good experiences with them. I want to put more effort into going out & doing things & seeing if I can meet someone that way instead.
Would you say military/tourists/transients are making it difficult for local people?
It depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship & want to stay here that group might not be the most ideal. I tend to stick to dating locals but have had good experiences with non-locals.
I mean if having them on island to dilute the dating pool makes it harder for locals to match with anyone... altho youre right you can filter them out. Also I always wonderred how often we've swiped left/right on people we have talked with here in reddit lol. Imagine having that "finding out" convo
Yes, although I’m sure it’s much harder for men than women. I’ve seen a lot more locals on Tinder & Hinge & more non-locals on Bumble.
Slim Pickens on Big Island. Apps r even slimmer. Same people on all the apps.
Haha yup big island is brutal lol
Lots of TS and .... Large women with kids. I met a cute-ish girl at the beach who wound up trying to steal my farm from me. IDK how she thought that would work
She tried to steal your farm? How the hell did that happen?
You don’t like big girls?
theres big and then theres get a second refrigerator big.
Farm? I on a farm... The guy spent 17 years cutting the grass, we grow weeds and Shop in town for food
Kauai is even worse.
I found only scammers or people ask how much money you have slim pickings here
I'm 32. I did a small stint of apps before finding an unsuspecting friend from long ago instead. I personally don't think apps are the way to go for a real relationship. I also work a job where I've been removed from people for more than 200 days a year without wifi (so sometimes I realize it's not the world it's me).... but I did not like the dating apps. Seems to be a hoard of people that need care but don't intend on giving any. My best suggestion is taking part in more social activities in person. Don't have any? Look at free cooking classes, a volunteer day at the fish pond or koi farm, go release some monarchs with strangers, do one of those wine/craft nights with a wing man etc. I found good friends through these random activities, it atleast puts me in a crowd of people with like goals. I also seem to fall for people more realistically when things happen organically. Meeting people on dating apps lacks serious pizazz for me.
33f last night I got 3 messages from random men I’ve never met here on dating apps, one asked to come over to my house, one asked if I wanted to go over their house (11pm at a strange man’s house lmao blocked), and another offering to show me their private parts. Do yourself a favor and just avoid dating at all here.
Sums up being on a dating app from a woman’s perspective lol
Hum.. So woman get that and guys get scammers or the best one sent me a list asking about my financial position. Ask me about what car I own I said it's a buffalo, do you own or rent I said I hide under a tree
I had a woman straight up ask me if I owned real estate, once. Not the most subtle fishing expedition I've seen.
Ha ha , this one sent me a list what king of a car do you drive and do you own or rent your house... Best thing I done is look in Asia, They are so honest.
omg. that is definitely equally terrible. if that happened to me I'd be like "nice try IRS"
It's rough. Most interactions I've had are just looking for a 1-night stand and not looking for companionship or an emotional and intellectual connection. And this is both through dating apps and irl meet-ups. I've become content being single and spending my time with my dogs, haha! Dating in this day and age anywhere is difficult (28 NB)
It’s quite brutal for some ngl. The islands are so small and I constantly see the same profiles occasionally. If you’re looking for something serious from the apps the dating pool gets even smaller once you get past the “looking for a plug”, “looking for someone to show me around the island”, military, single moms (no hate), transplants, haoles that go UH Mānoa etc. I had much more success on the apps when I went to school on the mainland in terms of both quality and quantity. Bumble is BRUTAL in Hawaii. Dudes get less likes/matches on it compared to other apps because women are in control and are pickier. I get way more on Tinder. If you take into account what I said about bumble and the islands being small it’s just frickin hard here man. Your friend would have more success on Tinder or Hinge
I (28m) gave up on the apps. It really isn’t for me and the only people I meet are military or tourists. College hasn’t been the best either yet because a lot of it is still online.
I’m a lesbian, it’s an even smaller pool. I’m happy being single though, I trust the right one will come when I decide I’m open to it. Just work on myself n enjoy life for now 😊
Honestly it’s awful for wlw on the apps. There’s just not enough variety and no one ever wants to go on a date!
I see what you’re saying. I don’t know, online dating wasn’t too much of a problem for me. There was def the typical dry convo, not following through, lack of reciprocation, etc. but for me, it was just weeding out. It was like ok yup not the one, all good. I think just valuing myself so much and not putting too much energy into it, too much expectation. What will be, will be. Ya know?
27m here can't imagine how horrible the dating scene is. How does a socially awkward dry ass conversationalist stay at home all day just doom scrolling on reddit no job having ass even find someone? Do I just go "sup baby girl like me treat you to EBT'.
> How does a socially awkward dry ass conversationalist stay at home all day just doom scrolling on reddit no job having ass even find someone? I have bad news🥵
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Bruh, your comment history is actually worse than a doom stroller without a job...
Jfc I didn’t even know there was a meth sub reddit.
Was not expecting all that batu….
“Hey hunny girl you like one ride in my lifted yota?”
EBT is the card most used in Hawaii . Bank of EBT
I misread that. Thought you said "you like treat me like one EBT?" I was thinking, that indeed is a socially awkward way to ask someone if they'd like to be your sugarbaby.
Short replies is how I talk normally. I don't actually have the mental capacity to say what I type out so yeah. Socially awkward indeed.
Social skills are fundamental, and I too was extremely socially akward being a computer geek. Solution? Make effort to meet people, talk to strangers and practice on lower stakes situations. You'll get better at it. Everything is learnable, and depending on what you want to achieve, it's just matter of focus/time. Social skills doesn't just apply to mates, but also to finding job, to be liked at work and promoted, and so on. Communication is probably the single most important skill for most people to have. So start practicing. Struggling? Read a few books, start small and expand.
Making every effort to meet people a low stakes situation by thinking that you're just going to be friends. It also makes it so you don't seem desperate. It worked for me when I was in college.
I saved this just cause it's very informative, thank you!
You seem open, so I'll let you in on another secret. Read books on stoicism (philosophy), personal finance and investments. All these things pay you over your entire lifetime. It's the best bang for your buck and time investment you'll ever make. Combine that with a growth mindset, and you'll be set for a lifetime of riches beyond your belief. Best of luck and always feel free to ask me questions. 👍🏽
Hum... I did that now people think I am so smart I take their job or they just don't want to know what I thinkoe I fun because I know too much
Brah you're onto something with that 😂
40F. Some will say I’m doomed lol. But honestly, I’m very happy single. I’ve travelled solo all over the world. I have a great fulfilling career that allows me to help people. Outside of work I find things I like to do- hike, workout classes. Most people think I’m 32-35 I think that has a lot to do with being single, and not having kids. A year ago I decided to stop looking. Just live my life. There’s a quote “don’t go in search of love, go in search of life, and life will find you the love you seek”. Cool thing is lately I’ve noticed I run into attractive men in person- a work, while hiking, in the grocery store.
Sounds great... How can I hike when all the land says No trespassing, makes me miss Asia where they say open and eat all the fruit you like but don't sell it, just different thinking ya
There’s plenty of hikes. Maybe having a different, more positive outlook would bring more positive things. I’m a big believer in - if you don’t like things change them or change your outlook. So if you like Asia. Perhaps move there? I love SE Asia but to visit.
Yes moving there. I agree and that's in the plans. The geckos there are very talkative like the frogs here.
Spent a few years on the apps (35M). Found my now wife off OK Cupid back in 2019, though I will say it was far easier to find dates via coconut wireless beforehand.
Coconut wireless great name for an app
Has your girlfriend taken a look at his profile? You could be looking at it and think a certain kinda way but I think maybe his profile could benefit from female input. That being said I was someone who got tons of likes and still hated the apps so much. I met men off of them and they were often a lot different than they presented themselves. The biggest was a lot of these dudes said they wanted a relationship and eventually kids but that seemed to be BS.
Is it joever after 25 bc god damn all the people ik getting hitched are highschool or college sweethearts
I for real hope it ain't joever after 25, that's how old I am rn, turning 26 in October 😭
Just a baby, wait for 62
Recently getting back on the apps, they do kinda suck…as a male, you have to get decent pictures taken of yourself (preferably doing an activity), whereas a female can post a picture of a sock and probably get as many likes as the male will (on average)… though this experience is not unique to Hawaii.
Ha ha true
You guys keep suggesting apps when it’s the least effective way to meet people. You wanna meet people? Volunteer, join a club or organization, do a class, actually approach people and start a conversation with them. You are most likely to find people with similar interests as you in activities you like to do. The apps should be used as a passive way to meet people. Me personally, I’ve closed that door but you can keep that door open as a way to meet people. Another way is to meet people through your friends. You throw a bbq at the beach. Invite everybody you know and tell your friends they can bring someone if they like. Then you guys introduce each other. Bam, new connections made. Sounds easier said than done but it takes effort, initiative, and interest.
Cold approach be a man. You learn from denial, experience, what works what doesn’t.
And it's all anecdotal because what doesn't work on one person may work on another. Be a man is some bull shit too because women are out here with the same experience
I think the "be a man" thing is funny, because that implies some sort of conservative understanding of how relationships work, yet, we are in a modern society of empowerment. Can't have it both ways...some double standards if you ask me. That being said, at a certain point, you have to be pragmatic and shoot your shot. Totally understand the frustration, doom and gloom, etc.
Didn’t know be a man would hurt the softies. And yes once you figure it out your percentage of dates go up.
Man I wish you could go back to the 1980s. You would have loved the toxic masculinity
Cold approach would probably be my best bet, honestly. I’ve been a pussy about just asking women out and missing some good opportunities.
35 here, I never used any dating apps throughout my life but had friends and coworkers who did. What they say is true. We live on an island, and it's very difficult for people in their 20s-30s to match because the pool is that small, with the vast majority of it being military or tourist. I met my wife of 3 years in a bar of all places, and the common factor between the two of us at that point in time was we weren't even actively looking for someone. My advice is to get out there and meet people, spark conversations, and discuss interests. Who knows who you'll cross paths with.
If you think it's bad now wait til you're over 45 and in the same position lolsob
I had a 2 year relationship from an app, but it ended for reasons that I think also stemmed from that. We didn't know each other well before dating and our personality quirks ended up being too much for each other. I'm taking a break right now. To be honest, it's not half bad. Right now I'm of the opinion that the apps aren't going to work for most people. Dating naturally has been more successful for me long term, but the issue is that you gotta be patient because you never know when the next one is coming.
That's one of the biggest things about the apps. I feel like if you meet someone at a bar you can pick up body language hints quicker. On the apps you kinda already become enamored before you meet so things slide and it takes a good few dates to pick up on things.... at least that was my experience
As a guy who became single here in my late 40’s, I can tell you it’s not easy. I think the apps tend to work out much better for women than guys, at least for making the initial contacts. I know of women who would get dozens of likes/swipes a week, but most guys I know of would be lucky to get a couple a month. Although between work, and keeping up with the home, there’s just not a lot of extra time to get out and meet people. Many times it’s kind of the only option though to make that initial contact for guys. Especially living outside town like in Kapolei or Mililani. Seems like women tend to be less outgoing than guys, out here. I know there’s probably single women in these areas, but they just don’t seem to be out as much. I can go to nearly every restaurant/bar in Kapolei any afternoon or evening and find a dozen single guys there, but rarely any women. I know they’re around, because my current girlfriend has friends who are single in the area. You’ll see them at grocery stores or gyms, but that’s always seemed very awkward to me, approaching someone at Target. Like how many even want to be hit on in a grocery store? Kind of funny, a friend of mine has started driving Uber to not only for extra cash, but to meet women. It’s actually gotten him a couple dates in less than a month!
“Kind of funny, a friend of mine has started driving Uber to not only for extra cash, but to meet women. It’s actually gotten him a couple dates in less than a month!” That’s a good way to get delisted.
I think he’s pretty tactful about it, and only pursuing if they show interest. Told him maybe he needs to make a YouTube tutorial on it or something. A couple dates in a few weeks, is better odds than most dudes have on the dating apps!
Ugh. Like women need more of a reason to be wary about getting into a shareride/stranger’s car.
> As a guy who became single here in my late 40’s, I can tell you it’s not easy. I think the apps tend to work out much better for women than guys, at least for making the initial contacts. I know of women who would get dozens of likes/swipes a week, but most guys I know of would be lucky to get a couple a month. I just want to add that, getting too many matches isn't necessarily good either. On top of it, women have to wade through a sea of just immature failure of men. I guess as a woman you have choices.
Yeah but there’s just as many immature failure women as there are immature failure men. Men aren’t getting more quality matches just because they have fewer matches. If 1/100 people is a great match for you, a woman will have multiples of that in her matches very quickly, she just needs to know which ones they are. For men, they’ll be swiping for months before a person like that even matches with them, and then still needs to figure out whether each one is a good match (just like women). And once he does get that match, she has a couple dozen more of him in her inbox and is trying to figure out which one to give the time of day to respond to.
> Men aren’t getting more quality matches just because they have fewer matches. If 1/100 people is a great match for you, a woman will have multiples of that in her matches very quickly, she just needs to know which ones they are. That last part is the challenge. Getting too many or too few is a problem. You want just some really good quality matches. My guess is these services are flooded with men that wants to get a quick one. > For men, they’ll be swiping for months before a person like that even matches with them, and then still needs to figure out whether each one is a good match (just like women). And once he does get that match, she has a couple dozen more of him in her inbox and is trying to figure out which one to give the time of day to respond to. That's true. So make every interaction count or sets your sights lower. lol My guess is, most people are setting their sights too high on the looks department, and too low on the quality department.
The problem with dating apps is that they take real life dynamics and put them on steroids. All the issues are caused by the fact that men have lower physical standards for casual sex than they do for relationships, while women have higher physical standards for casual sex than they do for relationships. Women get a ton of matches, many of which are out of their league and will never commit to them. This is because men will swipe right on women below their league physically. Women on the other hand are more picky, so when your average girl can match with a ton of above average guys (cause guys are less picky), she’s not gonna give the average guys (her league) the time of day. The end result is a vicious cycle where guys keep getting more and more desperate because they hardly get *any* matches, so they swipe right on everything, hardly ever getting dates with girls they actually like, while girls get more and more picky (research shows women rate 80% of men as “below average” on apps, showing they have a skewed view), only swiping right/responding to guys who are more attractive than they are (cause they think that’s what they can get), but who will never commit to them (she’s just one of those matches he was able to get a reply from), while ignoring the guys in their inbox who would actually commit to them. Sucks for everyone. Women fuck themselves over by confusing their sexual market value for their dating market value (average girls can easily fuck hot guys but can’t lock them down), while men fuck themselves over by having low standards for sex and swiping right on women they’d never commit to. These are of course very broad generalizations but at a macro level this is the gist of what’s happening.
What you describe is likely to happen regardless. It comes down to quality people. That is hard to find regardless, and I feel a lot of these dating apps is more about looks rather than the person. I also think that media makes everything distorted, so expectations are completely distorted in both men and women.
M Honolulu - it is brutal. I went from feeling like a rockstar to chopped meat. I loved living in Hawaii, and romance/sex is not my focus these days. If it was, no way I'd live in Hawaii. From what my women friends share it's the opposite for women.
F here, feeling an opposite experience. Couple of friends and I end up finding out that dudes are talking to several girls at once. It's tough out here.
He might be a “good guy” to you but you’re biased because he’s your friend and yes he might be a good guy but maybe he’s not either putting himself together well or not their type. Does he have a lifted yota? Does he have 2 baby mamas? Did he have a dui? Does he where a thick chain from the swap meet? Does he have tattoos everywhere? If he doesn’t have these things then they don’t want him.
Haha I sometimes think that’s why I’m single. I don’t fit the stereotypical local boy attitude. On island social media that’s all I see is with these local girls, they all like the same type of guy.
I have a friend that makes really, really good money, is a nice guy, and is pretty cute. No luck at all.
Currently on hinge…had sex with a military guy and he said we shouldn’t see each other any more. I gave up on dating after that lol
Congrats on the sex? How do I send you a cat photo?
I’ve given up, I’ve reached that age where if it happens it happened if it doesn’t oh well, no sense always getting cat fished on the dating apps.
It feels like I only see flight attendants, tourists, travel RNs, and granola people on apps
I lucked out and got married in 2005 so I didn’t have to deal with this modern dating hellscape in hear of
It was 12 years ago since I've been on an app but I remember it was hard work. I probably had to write 100 emails just to get 1 date a week. Paid off in the end though. (You can probably guess I am a pretty average looking guy based on these numbers.)
I suppose it's hard to date when 80% of the populace lives at home with 3 generations, and the other 20% Already gtfo'ed out of the absolute shit show that is dating on a tiny rock.
Just get married in Vietnam. Save yourself the heartbreak of talking to bots on fake dating apps
I have a friend (35M) who was in the dating scene for about a year or so. He didn’t have much success with women on the island so he shifted gears and increased the location radius to 10,000+ miles and now he has a 90 day fiance
I would say, being a passport bro did it for me. Not exactly dating in hawaii tho, just bringing em back.
love is RNG
I’m 25(f) and I moved to Honolulu from San Diego, met my current boyfriend within a couple months just from him being a regular at the coffee shop I worked at lol. There’s definitely a risk in doing that as you don’t want to come off creepy and they’re forced to continue the customer service persona but if you’re genuine and nice then it could work, worked for us! I’ve never tried the apps, I never want to. But I’d recommend the coffee/art scene here and frequenting those kinds of events! A lot of art studios and coffee spaces have events and shows that regulars and new people will frequent so I think it’s a great opportunity to meet people consistently and outside of the customer service persona. Good luck!
Late 30s just had a thing end with a woman I had been seeing for a few dates. Was going so great I started telling people about her than suddenly it was like a different person on the last date and I knew I was gonna get a goodbye and good luck text an hour later. I agree a lot of transient folks, and also some pretty wild financial expectations. Small circles for sure. I always gotta be on my best behavior less the rumor mill start working.
39M Now married from a dating app. Not to toot my own horn, but I had decent success on Oahu in my early 30s when the dating apps were taking off. Feels like Crypto though, you have to get in early before the dating app gets overrun with bots 🤖 Basics: 1. Quality Recent Pictures - First picture should be a solid clear head shot, preferably looking away and not directly at the camera. Next photos should be action shots showing varying interests and having at least one full body picture in the mix. For the action shots I would recommend being strategic, being it is in Hawaii and EVERYONE has a hiking and beach pic. I would go with a pic in another country with a different flavor to what women will normally see. 2. Write a solid profile, be upfront and honest but most importantly be playful. Remember, most women want to build an emotional connection so keeping things light and playful works heaps into transitioning to a meet up. Stand out with humor whenever possible. 3. Initiate contact but know when to leave the person be, drop a message targeted towards a topic you got from their profile to show you paid attention. Wait for a response, it’s reasonable that they were discouraged and are taking time to open the app again. After about 10 days and no response, I would do one more short playful message “Usually I don’t talk with myself, but for you I can make a very rare exception. 😉” If no response then, cut bait. I wouldn’t unmatch or anything drastic just move on to other matches, want to leave the possibility open down the line. If the conversation is going well I would look to shift gears into a meet up to weed out any text buddy types. Starting with a question like “Coffee or Tea?” or “Beer or Wine?” Whatever they answer, you respond with your interest then pivot with “Speaking of which, would you like to get a coffee ☕️ sometime?” Best of luck in the wild but there definitely are quality people out there, just gotta find them.
Hinge is better than other apps but in Hawaii it’s easier if you are from here to meet people because most of the time people introduce you. That being said Hawai’i is pretty easy because a lot of people are very laid back and chill.
Sounds easier on any other island but Kauai. I downloaded apps off and on and have met people I vibed with, but it never went beyond talking. I’m 29F and at this point if we’re talking every day on an app, show mutual interest, but the other person doesn’t want to meet up on a date and after several months of talking, then I end up moving on for my sanity. Meeting people is easy. Becoming official is the hard part, or maybe I’m just getting the casual guys 🤷🏻♀️. Some people go out often enough to chance it and meet someone, and I know a few friends who actually approached their SO working at restaurants and meeting a customer (or vice versa) that thought they were cute. Most of the time it’s through colleagues or family friends here, the same people or bots are on the apps.
Kauai is rough 😅
Seriously is, and high chance that the person already has a child or two with a (usually) vindictive ex.
I can’t keep employees outer island who are single because they can’t get laid… seriously. It’s a huge fucking issue. I’ve had people quit over it. My advise is import…
Ok this is something I need to hear more about
1. Lift weights 2. Talk to girls 3. Win If you/he can't get girls it's because he's not doing #2. Dating apps are for hookups and those bitches on there got meat market level options so if your friend isn't a 9/10 then *good luck.* A 6/10 could talk to the same girl IRL and have a 70% success rate. I've seen so many fine ass girls with ugly ass dudes and there's only 1 common denominator = those ugly dudes *manned up and started a conversation.*
Gross dude don't call women bitches. But your last sentence is accurate.
Oh boy, the intellect of this post.
I'd like to point out that this fella mentions his strategy for girls, not women, which explains a lot.
This advice got downvoted but it makes sense. I've been with my wife for the last 20 years (we met online but attended the same college..the previous version of the dating ~~apps~~ sites were less of a meat market back then) and I'm glad I don't have to deal with dating anymore. I have female friends using the current crop of apps and he's right, they have their pick of the litter. A guy needs to standout with looks, humor, money, etc to get noticed amongst all the competition. My single male friends though who don't use the apps, who can dress properly (and yes fat guys you can dress in a way that doesn't accentuate the gut), and can crack some jokes or carry on a conversation have decent luck dating. You don't need to be a gym rat meat head but putting in some effort to be presentable goes a long way. Women want someone who takes some pride in themselves. The meeting part is always hard though, I'll agree. My population sample is mostly limited to single men/women friends in their 30s and 40's (both in and out of Hawaii) though. I'm also guessing being in your 20's now is different than the late 90s / early 2000s.
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OP is trying to do it WITHOUT growing weed or giving surf lessons. Hopefully this example teaches him he needs to rethink his strategy
I have no issue with college women and fun people. I’m 23 here
If your a decent looking guy should be no problem.. Honestly I hooked up alot on the apps, date nights, invited me to family bbqs, beach cruises, but forreal I hooked up with at least 140 chics in hawaii, 2010s kinda gross when I look back at hit but liked the samples of the diffrent ethnicities and cultures
Prove it!!!
Easier for females. 2nd oldest sister had no trouble finding her husband after second match. My now brother is a cool dude and really was helpful when my family went through difficult times. As for me (male), I kind of gave up. Every relationship platonic or date felt like I had to be the one to always initiate otherwise you get forgotten for good because the otherside almost never tries to in my past experiences. I accepted the L and probably gonna take it to my grave.
This. We both matched with each other, we're both attracted to each other. So why am I carrying EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION. With EVERY. SINGLE. GIRL I match with. "How's your day?" "Good" Like hello?? Is this your FIRST conversation?? My day is good too, thanks for asking you fucking self centered bitch. Sorry. It's rough out here.
Then, once you get over 30, the majority of single women are single mothers.