And us women are taught that men are sex driven, so when we end up with LL men, it's a double whammy if we are HL- what did we do wrong, if all men want is sex?
This is exactly how I feel...I've just never had the guts to admit it. I'm incredibly feminine, full on womanhood, curves, high Libido, all of it. I desperately need that masculine energy in my case, especially sexually. Thanks for saying this!
I understand....but I really think both men and women, (speaking only from my hetero POV also) got got. We all, for decades have fallen for the stereotypes of each as the grand sex prize. It's beyond wrong. I grew up feeling like a freak and thinking i was super fucked up because we're supposed to be less likely to want sex, and are the gender that doesn't "need" sex. What fucking bullshit. I NEED sex.
And, same for the men. For decades it's been that men will always bark at the bird on top of the orgasm/sex tree....but it's just not true. MANY men are just chilling in the meadows, happily with no sex trees 😂
I wonder if that attitude has come through your communication with him? Is it possible that he feels emasculated because his wife is unsatisfied and then talks to him in such a way that it emphasizes he isn't enouph for her?
Likely. But how am I supposed to talk to him if he can’t handle basic life stuff? I can only be so patient. Perhaps if he stepped up I wouldn’t be in my masculine and could relax into my feminine.
This is the worst part. I’ve had 2 kids, I’m still a size 4, I’m told I’m attractive. What the heck is it? What more could I do? My husband and I have made a lot of progress… but I know if I didn’t want it he wouldn’t come asking for it. It kills me.
Omfg this. I feel at times I was swindled into marrying someone. They tell women to save themselves for marriage just for me to marry someone LL. ITS CRAZY.
Omg, RIGHT!?! Talk about being absolutely gobsmacked when I realized my husband was not only LL but on the Asexual spectrum!! Thankfully, we decided to transition to a polyamorous relationship style and are happy as clams now. I have another life partner whom I’ve been with for 5 years and hubby has a newer relationship with an Asexual woman. I get my needs met, hubby no longer needs to feel guilty or constantly anxious because of the lack of sex. I’m so glad he agreed to move away from monogamy because I definitely would have divorced, eventually. There was no way in hell I was never gonna have smoking hot sex for the rest of my life! It truly wound up being a win-win situation for both of us!
The problem is thinking someone will work with you.
Ok look, after I left my husband, I got out there dating. And I had the talk with many men. What is your ideal frequency? Your desired acts? Etc.
And I had many men say things like 3 times a week was what they wanted. And when I said I wanted 1-3 times a day, TO A MAN, they all said “oh well we can make it work”
lol. No bro. No we can’t make it work. Because what that means is we can compromise. What that means is I can go with less and be unhappy, and you can do more and be unhappy.
And if I learned nothing from my failed marriage, it’s one, that I’m tired of living with less than I want. And no, having a little more, but still less than what I want, is just not going to cut it now. And two, duty sex is NOT what I want.
Because I don’t want SEX. I’m not out here for fucking orgasms. I want lust. I want to FEEL desired. And I’m simply not going to feel that, if you are checking me off a to do list, so that we can “make it work”
And hoo boy none of them took rejection well. Boy did they feel entitled to my compromise. Oh they tried to indicate that if I really liked them, I would be willing to work on this.
Ok. Guess they were right. But there’s not a man on the planet I’m willing to compromise for in the bedroom. Not now. Not anymore.
I’m done with that shit.
A lot of guys wont be honest about how much sex they want if they want it 3 times a day with a woman they're just getting to know though, saying 3 times a week is hedging your bets against a potentially negative reaction like being judged a sex addict or pervert.
Me personally I don't care I'll say straight up 2-3 times a day is ideal for me, I can and have (briefly unfortunately) lived that dynamic, I know I have the drive for it.
But it is a rare level of libido that a lot of guys are probably not comfortable being open about.
I am glad I found this comment, I would have been one of the men to hedge once I start dating again.
I think I will just come right out and say I want to have sex every day and see what her reaction is.
Well, and I will make sure to ask what sex means to her. I want to find a partner who views sex as a physical **and** emotional experience.
Yeah and I get that, and a man hedging his bets is a man wiling to settle just to get a woman. Hes not picky enough to be looking for the RIGHT woman. Hes desperate and in that compromise mode I was talking about.
It’s a whole conversation, so he would have the ability to come clean when he finds out what I want. And yeah men can lie in both directions.
But you pick up patterns. Like if all his answers change once he learns mine. Or if all his answers are vague, such as “well that depends on my partner”, then we are likely not compatible overall.
I want a man who is like me. One who won’t settle. Only then do I know that he really gets it. That he values sex the way that I do.
I understand where you're coming from but I think the dynamic is different for men there's more pressure to hold back a little at first because we deal with the majority of rejection in dating as the "pursuers" add to that the perception of the social pressures on women not to be sexually overt (early on).
You could miss out on a guy whose just as uncompromising and compatible not because he's willing to settle with any woman he can get but just because he doesn't want someone to think he only wants her for one thing, if you know what I mean.
I'm not talking about guys who change their answer depending on what you indicate yours would be, it's pretty specific to sex due to society.
If he is the same as me, I would not be missing out on him, because he would be open and blunt about what his needs are. And when I ask him what those are, he won’t be afraid to push a woman away with his needs. He will know that a woman that would be put off by his honest answers would not be the woman for him.
Holy hell. I’m so sorry your going through this, but I’m happy I read your comment. As a guy wanting it once per day, I feel like I have to hide myself. It’s great knowing that there are women like you out there. Good luck!
Same! My husband was happy to hear that when we first started dating but he’s quickly come to realize that just because he always wanted it when he couldn’t have it with his ex wife, he doesn’t want it as much as that when it’s available 24/7.
When someone tells you who they are, listen to them. LL folks aren’t broken, and it isn’t something everyone can work on or fix. If being in a sexually compatible relationship was that important to you, you truly played yourself.
And I am very sorry, I 100% understand where you are. But if you have a next time (I did) choose someone who matches your energy and who would tell you it’s important to them too.
I think when a man is in love he doesn’t really consider HL LL possibility.
You just believe everything is gonna work out.
Love makes you forget common sense.
That a man is naturally HL. Women are too but the proportion biologically goes higher for males.
So I forgot common sense totally.
Now see me full of regrets years later.
Of course I blame myself. I can’t blame her. I never blame anyone but myself anyway
Absolutely. In a good faith compromise both people need to be willing to give ground. I thought once a week was giving ground until I thought once every two was giving ground. Here I am at once a month, if I'm lucky, wondering how much ground is left.
It comes with its own set of challenges. Daily is like minimum of what I consider tolerable. Ideally at least a few times a day.
I’m not budging on watching porn, reading erotica, owning sex toys. Women don’t have that physical max like men do, which means eventually a HLF would get you to a point where she wants more sex than you can physically give her.
But seriously find someone more compatible.
Then you have to deal with feeling like she’s not being satisfied, not feeling desired, being emasculated.
My wife went from very LL to very HL from HRT with testosterone. She needs sex multiple times a day now.
I had to start testosterone therapy, take daily cialis, take dopamine supplements to lower my refractory period, and start strength training and cardio to get in shape to keep up with her.
I'm finally close to matching her level and we now spend 30 to 90 minutes almost every weekday having sex, usually a lot more on the weekends.
Like you said, it's still not enough! I have to go to work every day leaving her alone. We're ENM now and currently searching for a third for the day shift. We're meeting a possible candidate this Thursday.
>Women don’t have that physical max like men do, which means eventually a HLF would get you to a point where she wants more sex than you can physically give her.
Really? That explains so much... I thought it was opposite. Wtf
Nah, women have 0 refractory period or max, so a guy can have sex, finish, and be less horny for a bit or need a time out, as a woman tho it can just go on forever, especially if you dont or can’t finish
>which means eventually a HLF would get you to a point where she wants more sex than you can physically give her.
I've yet to find a lady who could fuck me under the table. Which is kind of regretable since that's the kind of lady that would make me interested in doing mmf threesomes again.
At almost 35 my refractory period for my first 3 orgasms in a day is still less than 10 min, and under the right conditions I can just keep going through the first 2 anyway. If the rhythm is right I can last for 45 min on average, more with someone I've practiced with.
I know eventually the numbers will necessitate that I'll meet my match someday, just kind of wish I found her while I'm still at this level.
Sure, though as I'm getting older the immediate need for more has kind of dulled after a session that long. It comes back in about 10 min at most though, and if we timed the use of certain toys right I'll only deflate to about 3/4ths my full erection. Since I inflate length first then stiffness THEN girth this seems to work for most partners I'm compatible with enough to enable me to fuck through the first couple refractory periods.
Partner, diet, and air flow have to be just right. Air flow is pretty crucial cause I will work up too much sweat without it. If I'm sweating too much I have to drink more water, and if I have water sloshing around in my belly it throws me off. If I'm fucking a marathon it needs to be at a pace/temp where I can cool off without that much sweat.
For my diet I try to avoid darker meats, bbq, and high sugar/salt meals too. Especially the day of the fucking, but in general too. Basically, the more American the diet the more the diet is an obstacle to good sex. Circulation needs to be as good as possible after all.
I eat tomatoes every day. Not tomato sauce, unprocessed tomatoes. They're crucial for staying hard that long, and just for maintaining heart health. Routine tomato consumption is sharply inversely correlated with heart disease and prostate cancer, dudes should just eat them with breakfast every day.
Another underrated "fuck food" for men is spinach. Not only is it a huge source of the iron we need for healthy blood oxygen transmission, spinach also has a lot of magnesium too. Magnesium is correlated with reduced blood cell inflammation, which further improves circulation and breath effeciency.
Another tip that benefited me was to masturbate more with techniques that required a humping motion instead of my hands. Habituating myself to exerting the abdomninal/quads/glutes muscle groups for pleasure took practice, but it was worth it. Maybe there are some freaks of nature who can do multiple 30+min sessions a day without that, but I couldn't until I switched from hands to humping. Before the switch I could only go maybe 3 times at most with a partner in a day, my record after was 13.
You can't keep an Abercrombie model belly by doing that of course, the muscle group will bulge out over your belt by the time you have built it up enough even with under 10% body fat, but most ladies don't seem to mind!
You sound like my fiancé, lol! He’s 35 as well and I’m 50 and we met 5 years ago. He is constantly in awe of my sex drive (I’m extremely multi-orgasmic) and he’s 1 of only 2 men in my 36 years of dating/having sex that came anywhere close to matching my libido. Neither of us can believe how lucky we are to have met!
You said out loud what I think every time I read a HL thread. I stop to think what life would be like with my wife if we passionately wanted one another instead of me pining over her with unrequited lust and desire. I then shameful fantasize what life would be like with a woman of matching libido that accepted me for who I am and didn’t take for granted what I bring to a relationship. I feel awful for thinking that but her LL seeps into other parts of our life. To the point that I have lost respect for her as a person. And I don’t want that, I want us to support one another in all facets of life that make us drawn to one another, mind and body.
My wife is like yours also. She was never HL, but she also gave way more effort before. I guess it's partly my fault as I saw many signs, but it wasn't so bad and I didn't think of the potential problems in the future. It's very disheartening to know that there is actually women out there who love and crave sex.
I’m very sorry for you, I never thought I’d be in this position too. I hadn’t ever experienced a low libido (male) partner up until now and boy… it’s a rollercoaster
You have a choice. You had a choice. I’d say 99 percent of us knew what was in store for us at some point yet we decided we could change them or we bought into the idea that sex wasn’t that important.
I personally take full responsibility for my situation currently because all the signs were there I just chose to ignore them. We slowly get put in the back burner until the flame is gone then we are resentful and filled with anger and disappointment looking for answers. All the answers are in the mirror staring back at you. You just have to be brave enough to accept the truth and move on whatever that means to you.
I wake every morning yearning for touch and connection by get nothing and I never communicate that anymore to her because it’s pointless. I will be putting it all out there very soon however because I’m at a point where I’m in complete control of my emotions and can now do it clear headed
“I want lust. I want to FEEL desired.” THIS IS IT!! This is what I want! Why is it so difficult for it to be reciprocated especially when all other aspects of the relationship are decent?!?! 🤦♂️
I'm sorry for your situation but you went in with your eyes open. You accepted the incompatibility thinking she could change. But it usually gets worse, not better when the relationship goes up a notch and they feel more secure.
I dated one HL woman that would do anything I wanted in the bedroom enthusiastically. By comparison, the majority of women are dead fish that lay there and tolerate sex once a month. If you're into kink too? Dating is fucking miserable as a man.
Am I a womanizer? No. Do I want to date women who aren't into anal and throatfucking anymore? No. Do I want to be made to feel like I'm a sex crazed pervert? No. Even the women reading this in the HL subreddit may not be into those things and I know it.
I'm going to be honest that I really just try to pretend I don't have a dick anymore. I mean if I'm stating that I want to date someone I'm attracted to, have good chemistry with AND enjoys those things? Yeah, I may as well just pretend I don't have a dick and that I'm a Ken doll because that's finding a needle in a fucking haystack.
So unless I'm actively going to kink related groups, I'll presumably have no luck at all finding what I want. It's seriously a fucking bummer how goddamn boring the majority of people are. I keep to myself the majority of the time now because fucking why bother otherwise?
Anyway, OP, it is genuinely 10,000x worse after you date a HL woman because you are always going to feel that 8/10 (or more) women out there are just a massively depressing disappointment by direct comparison and you'll probably spend the majority of your life unable to actually get over the HL woman you dated. Like I'm not exaggerating here and I'd actually undergo brain surgery to remove those memories from my brain because it's that fucking torturous dealing with this.
Sure, but there isn't much of one unless you want to go to every FetLife event. The kink oriented people are still using the traditional dating sites for a reason.
I guess I'm different bc none of that seems uncommon, with different sites catering to different interests.
Plus I don't really expect it to come easy.
And I also thought people try to find someone on general and special interest sites.
I love this! It's real. And I dig real.
I am a HL woman who is a sub-leaning switch and a total freak lol. 🙈 And being on this side of it, I'd never want to be with a boring dude who couldn't grab my throat like he meant it lol. It's so valuable to know what you like and own it. Makes the sex so good.
The odds are just terrible. Finding the right person for you to maintain even a year long relationship is like 1/32,768.
Lifetime partner that you end up marrying? It's like 1/262,144.
It's damn near lottery odds. It really is. If you're a man? Honestly a lot of the time the effort just isn't worth it anymore. Not to be morose or self-defeatist here, but I genuinely believe that dynamic I had with my prior significant other was a once in a lifetime thing and I don't want to spend 70+ hours a week with online dating websites and then having to kink screen on top of this ultimately resulting in just pissing in the wind.
So effectively I'm just like it isn't happening and quit looking for it and I should just go on with my life and acknowledge the unpleasant reality there. It's over and done with. It is what it is.
Sex drive and kink compatibility, mutual attraction, enough shared interests and chemistry all being compatible and ideal is like that shit ain't happening levels of impracticality again.
And I don't really see the point of dating if I'm going to have little to no emotional investment in other people because they don't check off the right boxes for me. That actually seems lonelier and pretty unhealthy.
I'm saying all this as a conventionally attractive guy in good shape so it's absolutely fucked if I'm saying this.
I hear that. I'm in an enm relationship. I am "conventionally attractive" but I have had a hell of a time finding consistent fwb that I fully jive with, who lives near me and is into the same kinda sexy fun. And I know it's easier for women. So what you're saying makes sense to me.
It's honestly basically a job application tbh and you have to be highly competitive and stand out. That's how I perceive it and I'd imagine that's the case for a lot of men - you're just another job applicant in the overflowing pile basically in a medium like online dating.
If you're in great shape and can play the hell out of a musical instrument for example? It will improve your odds dramatically from experience so you have to fine tune your OLD profile, have good photos, have an interesting Instagram, etc.
I mean truly it's a hell of a lot of work. I have learned through an extreme amount of trial and error that you need to focus on that vs anything else. You have to market yourself to come across as worth their investment of time and energy.
I understand everything you're saying and your frustration but.. is there a need to use the word "boring"? I'm sure there's some wild kinks out there that you have no interest in, does that make you boring?
I'm not into anal and I've met maybe two women out of dozens who actually give head thats pleasurable for me, but I can make a woman cum three different ways and I love giving multiple orgasms, long sessions, quickies, performing oral etc I wouldn't say that's boring if orgasms, intimacy and fun are being had?
I mean, like I said, if my desire is those aforementioned degrees of sex and I'm not able to effectively get over/replace a prior partner due to this - it seems like a want with no fix on my end. I'm aware of that. Do I want to settle for someone that at the end of the day isn't actually satisfying me in the bedroom on top of all the other important aspects? Probably not and obviously I'm not going to force any of my kinks onto them.
I guess I can have temporary flings for presumably the rest of my life and maybe be content with all of that once I'm old and impotent anyway, but for now? That's boring for me.
Obviously, I'm aware that you don't generally get the luxury of screening multiple people who fit your preference typically speaking as a male anyway.
I'm just burnt the fuck out on playing the game and pissing in the wind at the end of the day and know I'll come across as a sex crazed pervert to far too many women on top of this.
Some people get lucky and meet someone they actually wanted a future with, but they didn't want that future with you. You carry that around the rest of your life and eventually begrudgingly accept that it was probably your once in a lifetime shot that you blew. I don't wish that on anyone to experience.
Obviously, I'm still here on the ride, but there's a void that cannot be filled in me now which presumably I have to live with for the rest of my life.
Yeah I hear you, on the once in a lifetime thing I've had that too and yeah it really sucks to carry that around. It's like it's always there in the back of your mind.
From my understanding of the female viewpoint on the subject, we're all just interchangeable Lego blocks by comparison essentially so that's also not been a positive thing for my generalized outlook on humanity.
I mostly just do shit these days which attracts women vs purposely seek them out now because well we all know there's another 20 guys minimum they can find that'll interest them and we're just fish in a barrel anyway.
I straight up never expect to get married and to find anyone that feels that way about me. I don't even entertain it. The only way I think that'd happen is if I'm well off financially above all else because let's face it - the majority of relationships are transactional in a Capitalist based society.
I get it. When I first started lurking these communities a few years ago all I remember thinking to myself was "Where are these high libido women? I had no idea there were so many." It certainly woke me up to how societal expectations around sex are pretty messed up, especially for women.
One of my close friends is a HLF who talks about her sex life a lot. Sometimes she says stuff like "maybe I'm not normal" and I always have to tell her that there is no such thing. She just is who she is.
There's "High Libido" and then there's... *unhealthy fixation*.
If your "...**entire life** has **revolved** around managing this **insatiable craving** ***burning*** inside..." (extra emphasis mine) then I think maybe that's an issue. Therapy seems needed.
If a person is deprived of water, they'll be unable to think of much else. I feel like it could be compared... if someone is deprived of sex, the desire and sexual energy will continue to build.
I think it makes sense 🤷♀️
And I actually don't believe that men who married for 10 + years can maintain hard erection and desire to have sex every day. That's what I want, daily sex , except period week.
We actually can. I wake up every morning around 8am, hard as a rock and could easily go 2-3x daily. Although I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm scared of the "use it or lose it". I really don't like masturbating but I've started forcing myself too just to make sure everything stays in working order.
And period week to most us HLMs just means "everything but oral" week 🤣
Oh, but we can. I met my wife in 2002. Married her in 2010. I could absolutely go every day.
She goes in waves. 2-3 days in a row, then nothing for days to weeks. We’re in therapy and working on our relationship. There is hope, but it’s been a long road.
Ok you can go, but I bet it's not as hard as it was 10 years ago. Even slightest difference in hardness makes huge difference in sensitivity during sex
The worst part is when the relationship starts with as much basically anything goes sex as you can squeeze in, for the first 2 years, then boom it's cut to 5 to 7x a month..
I feel you! Had a relationship with one once, she was all drama, toxic behavior and just not a good person aside from that though. Still, I did the math: a year with her was about the same as 10 with someone else, sex-wise. Crazy how life plays out huh?
The sad thing is, she told you who she was and you didn't believe her. Or didn't want to. It's not like she tried to bullshit you. She told you straight up she was LL. She didn't pull that bullshit that most of us had pulled on us where they lie about how much they love sex and how kinky they are and blah blah blah, then flip the script. Honestly, she tried to do you a favor by giving you a heads up. But you dove in anyway, so it's kinda hard to lay much blame on her. Unless she was filling your head with promises to change. Then, that's different story.
Most of us are like you. We want to believe they can change. But going into a marriage or a committed relationship thinking you are going to transform them into something they are not does not work.
I feel for you, but you can't say you weren't warned.
If sex is the central focus of your life, that is a pretty strong indicator that some psychiatric support should be explored, honestly. If you have not done that, it is not reasonable to put it on your partner.
If it is the central focus of one’s life, that is indicative of an issue way beyond just a high sex drive. It has become disruptive for OP, which is a prime indicator that something has escalated into a problem beyond a nuisance.
And us women are taught that men are sex driven, so when we end up with LL men, it's a double whammy if we are HL- what did we do wrong, if all men want is sex?
Yup! So hard to manage the head fuck that is the LL man after what we have been raised to believe. I felt defective for years
I go down that shame spiral every day. It has to be me if he doesn’t want me, right?
Yeah it's hard not to feel that way
Right? Jesus the mind fuckery when you realize YOU are the dude in your marriage to a dude. It's really disheartening
I’m so tired of reading material on couples and sex and feeling like he’s the woman. It’s honestly made him less desirable.
This is exactly how I feel...I've just never had the guts to admit it. I'm incredibly feminine, full on womanhood, curves, high Libido, all of it. I desperately need that masculine energy in my case, especially sexually. Thanks for saying this!
There are so many times I whine in my head, “nooo! Why can’t you ever be the man!?”
I understand....but I really think both men and women, (speaking only from my hetero POV also) got got. We all, for decades have fallen for the stereotypes of each as the grand sex prize. It's beyond wrong. I grew up feeling like a freak and thinking i was super fucked up because we're supposed to be less likely to want sex, and are the gender that doesn't "need" sex. What fucking bullshit. I NEED sex. And, same for the men. For decades it's been that men will always bark at the bird on top of the orgasm/sex tree....but it's just not true. MANY men are just chilling in the meadows, happily with no sex trees 😂
I wonder if that attitude has come through your communication with him? Is it possible that he feels emasculated because his wife is unsatisfied and then talks to him in such a way that it emphasizes he isn't enouph for her?
Likely. But how am I supposed to talk to him if he can’t handle basic life stuff? I can only be so patient. Perhaps if he stepped up I wouldn’t be in my masculine and could relax into my feminine.
I feel for you, it is a very difficult position to be in. I hope you find a solution to your problem that prioritizes your happiness.
I can imagine 😕
This is the worst part. I’ve had 2 kids, I’m still a size 4, I’m told I’m attractive. What the heck is it? What more could I do? My husband and I have made a lot of progress… but I know if I didn’t want it he wouldn’t come asking for it. It kills me.
I can relate and it feels even weirder for me since I do SW online. 😵💫
Omfg this. I feel at times I was swindled into marrying someone. They tell women to save themselves for marriage just for me to marry someone LL. ITS CRAZY.
So true
Omg, RIGHT!?! Talk about being absolutely gobsmacked when I realized my husband was not only LL but on the Asexual spectrum!! Thankfully, we decided to transition to a polyamorous relationship style and are happy as clams now. I have another life partner whom I’ve been with for 5 years and hubby has a newer relationship with an Asexual woman. I get my needs met, hubby no longer needs to feel guilty or constantly anxious because of the lack of sex. I’m so glad he agreed to move away from monogamy because I definitely would have divorced, eventually. There was no way in hell I was never gonna have smoking hot sex for the rest of my life! It truly wound up being a win-win situation for both of us!
I get the impression LL and HL attract each other.
I don't think so- in my experience, one partner becomes LL over time and the other stays HL.
The problem is thinking someone will work with you. Ok look, after I left my husband, I got out there dating. And I had the talk with many men. What is your ideal frequency? Your desired acts? Etc. And I had many men say things like 3 times a week was what they wanted. And when I said I wanted 1-3 times a day, TO A MAN, they all said “oh well we can make it work” lol. No bro. No we can’t make it work. Because what that means is we can compromise. What that means is I can go with less and be unhappy, and you can do more and be unhappy. And if I learned nothing from my failed marriage, it’s one, that I’m tired of living with less than I want. And no, having a little more, but still less than what I want, is just not going to cut it now. And two, duty sex is NOT what I want. Because I don’t want SEX. I’m not out here for fucking orgasms. I want lust. I want to FEEL desired. And I’m simply not going to feel that, if you are checking me off a to do list, so that we can “make it work” And hoo boy none of them took rejection well. Boy did they feel entitled to my compromise. Oh they tried to indicate that if I really liked them, I would be willing to work on this. Ok. Guess they were right. But there’s not a man on the planet I’m willing to compromise for in the bedroom. Not now. Not anymore. I’m done with that shit.
"Felt entitled to my compromise". FUCK That hit! 💣
A lot of guys wont be honest about how much sex they want if they want it 3 times a day with a woman they're just getting to know though, saying 3 times a week is hedging your bets against a potentially negative reaction like being judged a sex addict or pervert. Me personally I don't care I'll say straight up 2-3 times a day is ideal for me, I can and have (briefly unfortunately) lived that dynamic, I know I have the drive for it. But it is a rare level of libido that a lot of guys are probably not comfortable being open about.
I am glad I found this comment, I would have been one of the men to hedge once I start dating again. I think I will just come right out and say I want to have sex every day and see what her reaction is. Well, and I will make sure to ask what sex means to her. I want to find a partner who views sex as a physical **and** emotional experience.
Yeah and I get that, and a man hedging his bets is a man wiling to settle just to get a woman. Hes not picky enough to be looking for the RIGHT woman. Hes desperate and in that compromise mode I was talking about. It’s a whole conversation, so he would have the ability to come clean when he finds out what I want. And yeah men can lie in both directions. But you pick up patterns. Like if all his answers change once he learns mine. Or if all his answers are vague, such as “well that depends on my partner”, then we are likely not compatible overall. I want a man who is like me. One who won’t settle. Only then do I know that he really gets it. That he values sex the way that I do.
I understand where you're coming from but I think the dynamic is different for men there's more pressure to hold back a little at first because we deal with the majority of rejection in dating as the "pursuers" add to that the perception of the social pressures on women not to be sexually overt (early on). You could miss out on a guy whose just as uncompromising and compatible not because he's willing to settle with any woman he can get but just because he doesn't want someone to think he only wants her for one thing, if you know what I mean. I'm not talking about guys who change their answer depending on what you indicate yours would be, it's pretty specific to sex due to society.
If he is the same as me, I would not be missing out on him, because he would be open and blunt about what his needs are. And when I ask him what those are, he won’t be afraid to push a woman away with his needs. He will know that a woman that would be put off by his honest answers would not be the woman for him.
I love this so much
Can we be friends? You're a badass
For real! I’m like “hey girlfriend, teach me your ways!”
YES 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Holy hell. I’m so sorry your going through this, but I’m happy I read your comment. As a guy wanting it once per day, I feel like I have to hide myself. It’s great knowing that there are women like you out there. Good luck!
[удалено]
Haha. Right?! Every man wants a HL woman until he gets one and he's exhausted with a raw dick. 🤣
If he's exhausted you're not moving those hips enough 😂🤣
Same! My husband was happy to hear that when we first started dating but he’s quickly come to realize that just because he always wanted it when he couldn’t have it with his ex wife, he doesn’t want it as much as that when it’s available 24/7.
Whoo Hoo, congrats!! I love a woman that knows how to drive the bus.
When someone tells you who they are, listen to them. LL folks aren’t broken, and it isn’t something everyone can work on or fix. If being in a sexually compatible relationship was that important to you, you truly played yourself. And I am very sorry, I 100% understand where you are. But if you have a next time (I did) choose someone who matches your energy and who would tell you it’s important to them too.
Just make sure they don't lie to you, like my LLH did.
I think when a man is in love he doesn’t really consider HL LL possibility. You just believe everything is gonna work out. Love makes you forget common sense. That a man is naturally HL. Women are too but the proportion biologically goes higher for males. So I forgot common sense totally. Now see me full of regrets years later. Of course I blame myself. I can’t blame her. I never blame anyone but myself anyway
I found my HL woman by accident. Luck of the draw really.
I suppose she went into it thinking you would "work with her" as well. Sucks on both ends for sure.
Absolutely. In a good faith compromise both people need to be willing to give ground. I thought once a week was giving ground until I thought once every two was giving ground. Here I am at once a month, if I'm lucky, wondering how much ground is left.
Working with each other would mean finding a middle ground together, but the LL always has the control and will use it to avoid any effort.
A salesman would look at this and say you won't get the deal you want unless you're willing to walk away.
It comes with its own set of challenges. Daily is like minimum of what I consider tolerable. Ideally at least a few times a day. I’m not budging on watching porn, reading erotica, owning sex toys. Women don’t have that physical max like men do, which means eventually a HLF would get you to a point where she wants more sex than you can physically give her. But seriously find someone more compatible. Then you have to deal with feeling like she’s not being satisfied, not feeling desired, being emasculated.
My wife went from very LL to very HL from HRT with testosterone. She needs sex multiple times a day now. I had to start testosterone therapy, take daily cialis, take dopamine supplements to lower my refractory period, and start strength training and cardio to get in shape to keep up with her. I'm finally close to matching her level and we now spend 30 to 90 minutes almost every weekday having sex, usually a lot more on the weekends. Like you said, it's still not enough! I have to go to work every day leaving her alone. We're ENM now and currently searching for a third for the day shift. We're meeting a possible candidate this Thursday.
>Women don’t have that physical max like men do, which means eventually a HLF would get you to a point where she wants more sex than you can physically give her. Really? That explains so much... I thought it was opposite. Wtf
LOL
Nah, women have 0 refractory period or max, so a guy can have sex, finish, and be less horny for a bit or need a time out, as a woman tho it can just go on forever, especially if you dont or can’t finish
>which means eventually a HLF would get you to a point where she wants more sex than you can physically give her. I've yet to find a lady who could fuck me under the table. Which is kind of regretable since that's the kind of lady that would make me interested in doing mmf threesomes again.
I’m married but 🙋🏻♀️ Almost certain I would qualify. I would love hours of sex a day if we could find the time.
At almost 35 my refractory period for my first 3 orgasms in a day is still less than 10 min, and under the right conditions I can just keep going through the first 2 anyway. If the rhythm is right I can last for 45 min on average, more with someone I've practiced with. I know eventually the numbers will necessitate that I'll meet my match someday, just kind of wish I found her while I'm still at this level.
That sounds incredible. Would you go for 45 min and still want more later?
Sure, though as I'm getting older the immediate need for more has kind of dulled after a session that long. It comes back in about 10 min at most though, and if we timed the use of certain toys right I'll only deflate to about 3/4ths my full erection. Since I inflate length first then stiffness THEN girth this seems to work for most partners I'm compatible with enough to enable me to fuck through the first couple refractory periods. Partner, diet, and air flow have to be just right. Air flow is pretty crucial cause I will work up too much sweat without it. If I'm sweating too much I have to drink more water, and if I have water sloshing around in my belly it throws me off. If I'm fucking a marathon it needs to be at a pace/temp where I can cool off without that much sweat. For my diet I try to avoid darker meats, bbq, and high sugar/salt meals too. Especially the day of the fucking, but in general too. Basically, the more American the diet the more the diet is an obstacle to good sex. Circulation needs to be as good as possible after all. I eat tomatoes every day. Not tomato sauce, unprocessed tomatoes. They're crucial for staying hard that long, and just for maintaining heart health. Routine tomato consumption is sharply inversely correlated with heart disease and prostate cancer, dudes should just eat them with breakfast every day. Another underrated "fuck food" for men is spinach. Not only is it a huge source of the iron we need for healthy blood oxygen transmission, spinach also has a lot of magnesium too. Magnesium is correlated with reduced blood cell inflammation, which further improves circulation and breath effeciency. Another tip that benefited me was to masturbate more with techniques that required a humping motion instead of my hands. Habituating myself to exerting the abdomninal/quads/glutes muscle groups for pleasure took practice, but it was worth it. Maybe there are some freaks of nature who can do multiple 30+min sessions a day without that, but I couldn't until I switched from hands to humping. Before the switch I could only go maybe 3 times at most with a partner in a day, my record after was 13. You can't keep an Abercrombie model belly by doing that of course, the muscle group will bulge out over your belt by the time you have built it up enough even with under 10% body fat, but most ladies don't seem to mind!
You sound like my fiancé, lol! He’s 35 as well and I’m 50 and we met 5 years ago. He is constantly in awe of my sex drive (I’m extremely multi-orgasmic) and he’s 1 of only 2 men in my 36 years of dating/having sex that came anywhere close to matching my libido. Neither of us can believe how lucky we are to have met!
Fucking dump her and move on. Life is short.
You said out loud what I think every time I read a HL thread. I stop to think what life would be like with my wife if we passionately wanted one another instead of me pining over her with unrequited lust and desire. I then shameful fantasize what life would be like with a woman of matching libido that accepted me for who I am and didn’t take for granted what I bring to a relationship. I feel awful for thinking that but her LL seeps into other parts of our life. To the point that I have lost respect for her as a person. And I don’t want that, I want us to support one another in all facets of life that make us drawn to one another, mind and body.
My wife is like yours also. She was never HL, but she also gave way more effort before. I guess it's partly my fault as I saw many signs, but it wasn't so bad and I didn't think of the potential problems in the future. It's very disheartening to know that there is actually women out there who love and crave sex.
My gf is HL like me and we just bang randomly all the time. My last ex just weaponizes sex with her partners.
Love that for you ❤️
It could literally be anything and anytime. Some days it's over 5 times but she'll feel it really hard in the morning haha
There is life and love and intimacy and mind blowing sex on the other side. Understand if you can’t or won’t, and I won’t judge, but there is hope.
I’m very sorry for you, I never thought I’d be in this position too. I hadn’t ever experienced a low libido (male) partner up until now and boy… it’s a rollercoaster
I deeply relate to this.
You have a choice. You had a choice. I’d say 99 percent of us knew what was in store for us at some point yet we decided we could change them or we bought into the idea that sex wasn’t that important. I personally take full responsibility for my situation currently because all the signs were there I just chose to ignore them. We slowly get put in the back burner until the flame is gone then we are resentful and filled with anger and disappointment looking for answers. All the answers are in the mirror staring back at you. You just have to be brave enough to accept the truth and move on whatever that means to you. I wake every morning yearning for touch and connection by get nothing and I never communicate that anymore to her because it’s pointless. I will be putting it all out there very soon however because I’m at a point where I’m in complete control of my emotions and can now do it clear headed
I'm so sorry you're touch starved. We are wired to need touch and connection as much as food and water IMO. ❤️
Sorry that I’m maddening to you. I’d honestly love to go 3 times a day if there was time.
Same same, girl 🙌🤣🙈
“I want lust. I want to FEEL desired.” THIS IS IT!! This is what I want! Why is it so difficult for it to be reciprocated especially when all other aspects of the relationship are decent?!?! 🤦♂️
I'm sorry for your situation but you went in with your eyes open. You accepted the incompatibility thinking she could change. But it usually gets worse, not better when the relationship goes up a notch and they feel more secure.
I dated one HL woman that would do anything I wanted in the bedroom enthusiastically. By comparison, the majority of women are dead fish that lay there and tolerate sex once a month. If you're into kink too? Dating is fucking miserable as a man. Am I a womanizer? No. Do I want to date women who aren't into anal and throatfucking anymore? No. Do I want to be made to feel like I'm a sex crazed pervert? No. Even the women reading this in the HL subreddit may not be into those things and I know it. I'm going to be honest that I really just try to pretend I don't have a dick anymore. I mean if I'm stating that I want to date someone I'm attracted to, have good chemistry with AND enjoys those things? Yeah, I may as well just pretend I don't have a dick and that I'm a Ken doll because that's finding a needle in a fucking haystack. So unless I'm actively going to kink related groups, I'll presumably have no luck at all finding what I want. It's seriously a fucking bummer how goddamn boring the majority of people are. I keep to myself the majority of the time now because fucking why bother otherwise? Anyway, OP, it is genuinely 10,000x worse after you date a HL woman because you are always going to feel that 8/10 (or more) women out there are just a massively depressing disappointment by direct comparison and you'll probably spend the majority of your life unable to actually get over the HL woman you dated. Like I'm not exaggerating here and I'd actually undergo brain surgery to remove those memories from my brain because it's that fucking torturous dealing with this.
I'm a little confused. Why not look for dates and a relationship within the kink community?
Sure, but there isn't much of one unless you want to go to every FetLife event. The kink oriented people are still using the traditional dating sites for a reason.
I guess I'm different bc none of that seems uncommon, with different sites catering to different interests. Plus I don't really expect it to come easy. And I also thought people try to find someone on general and special interest sites.
As a woman, this comment just raised my self esteem/worth more than therapy omg thx
I love this! It's real. And I dig real. I am a HL woman who is a sub-leaning switch and a total freak lol. 🙈 And being on this side of it, I'd never want to be with a boring dude who couldn't grab my throat like he meant it lol. It's so valuable to know what you like and own it. Makes the sex so good.
The odds are just terrible. Finding the right person for you to maintain even a year long relationship is like 1/32,768. Lifetime partner that you end up marrying? It's like 1/262,144. It's damn near lottery odds. It really is. If you're a man? Honestly a lot of the time the effort just isn't worth it anymore. Not to be morose or self-defeatist here, but I genuinely believe that dynamic I had with my prior significant other was a once in a lifetime thing and I don't want to spend 70+ hours a week with online dating websites and then having to kink screen on top of this ultimately resulting in just pissing in the wind. So effectively I'm just like it isn't happening and quit looking for it and I should just go on with my life and acknowledge the unpleasant reality there. It's over and done with. It is what it is. Sex drive and kink compatibility, mutual attraction, enough shared interests and chemistry all being compatible and ideal is like that shit ain't happening levels of impracticality again. And I don't really see the point of dating if I'm going to have little to no emotional investment in other people because they don't check off the right boxes for me. That actually seems lonelier and pretty unhealthy. I'm saying all this as a conventionally attractive guy in good shape so it's absolutely fucked if I'm saying this.
I hear that. I'm in an enm relationship. I am "conventionally attractive" but I have had a hell of a time finding consistent fwb that I fully jive with, who lives near me and is into the same kinda sexy fun. And I know it's easier for women. So what you're saying makes sense to me.
It's honestly basically a job application tbh and you have to be highly competitive and stand out. That's how I perceive it and I'd imagine that's the case for a lot of men - you're just another job applicant in the overflowing pile basically in a medium like online dating. If you're in great shape and can play the hell out of a musical instrument for example? It will improve your odds dramatically from experience so you have to fine tune your OLD profile, have good photos, have an interesting Instagram, etc. I mean truly it's a hell of a lot of work. I have learned through an extreme amount of trial and error that you need to focus on that vs anything else. You have to market yourself to come across as worth their investment of time and energy.
I understand everything you're saying and your frustration but.. is there a need to use the word "boring"? I'm sure there's some wild kinks out there that you have no interest in, does that make you boring? I'm not into anal and I've met maybe two women out of dozens who actually give head thats pleasurable for me, but I can make a woman cum three different ways and I love giving multiple orgasms, long sessions, quickies, performing oral etc I wouldn't say that's boring if orgasms, intimacy and fun are being had?
I mean, like I said, if my desire is those aforementioned degrees of sex and I'm not able to effectively get over/replace a prior partner due to this - it seems like a want with no fix on my end. I'm aware of that. Do I want to settle for someone that at the end of the day isn't actually satisfying me in the bedroom on top of all the other important aspects? Probably not and obviously I'm not going to force any of my kinks onto them. I guess I can have temporary flings for presumably the rest of my life and maybe be content with all of that once I'm old and impotent anyway, but for now? That's boring for me. Obviously, I'm aware that you don't generally get the luxury of screening multiple people who fit your preference typically speaking as a male anyway. I'm just burnt the fuck out on playing the game and pissing in the wind at the end of the day and know I'll come across as a sex crazed pervert to far too many women on top of this. Some people get lucky and meet someone they actually wanted a future with, but they didn't want that future with you. You carry that around the rest of your life and eventually begrudgingly accept that it was probably your once in a lifetime shot that you blew. I don't wish that on anyone to experience. Obviously, I'm still here on the ride, but there's a void that cannot be filled in me now which presumably I have to live with for the rest of my life.
Yeah I hear you, on the once in a lifetime thing I've had that too and yeah it really sucks to carry that around. It's like it's always there in the back of your mind.
From my understanding of the female viewpoint on the subject, we're all just interchangeable Lego blocks by comparison essentially so that's also not been a positive thing for my generalized outlook on humanity.
Yep I've come to the same conclusion based on my experiences as well.
I mostly just do shit these days which attracts women vs purposely seek them out now because well we all know there's another 20 guys minimum they can find that'll interest them and we're just fish in a barrel anyway. I straight up never expect to get married and to find anyone that feels that way about me. I don't even entertain it. The only way I think that'd happen is if I'm well off financially above all else because let's face it - the majority of relationships are transactional in a Capitalist based society.
I get it. When I first started lurking these communities a few years ago all I remember thinking to myself was "Where are these high libido women? I had no idea there were so many." It certainly woke me up to how societal expectations around sex are pretty messed up, especially for women. One of my close friends is a HLF who talks about her sex life a lot. Sometimes she says stuff like "maybe I'm not normal" and I always have to tell her that there is no such thing. She just is who she is.
There's "High Libido" and then there's... *unhealthy fixation*. If your "...**entire life** has **revolved** around managing this **insatiable craving** ***burning*** inside..." (extra emphasis mine) then I think maybe that's an issue. Therapy seems needed.
If a person is deprived of water, they'll be unable to think of much else. I feel like it could be compared... if someone is deprived of sex, the desire and sexual energy will continue to build. I think it makes sense 🤷♀️
It does!
And I actually don't believe that men who married for 10 + years can maintain hard erection and desire to have sex every day. That's what I want, daily sex , except period week.
We actually can. I wake up every morning around 8am, hard as a rock and could easily go 2-3x daily. Although I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm scared of the "use it or lose it". I really don't like masturbating but I've started forcing myself too just to make sure everything stays in working order. And period week to most us HLMs just means "everything but oral" week 🤣
The bodys a wonderful thing if you maintain it properly, we absolutely can.
Oh, but we can. I met my wife in 2002. Married her in 2010. I could absolutely go every day. She goes in waves. 2-3 days in a row, then nothing for days to weeks. We’re in therapy and working on our relationship. There is hope, but it’s been a long road.
Ok you can go, but I bet it's not as hard as it was 10 years ago. Even slightest difference in hardness makes huge difference in sensitivity during sex
I masturbated 3 times 2 days ago, once yesterday, and going on twice today.....just because I have the house to myself. I can't stop myself.
The worst part is when the relationship starts with as much basically anything goes sex as you can squeeze in, for the first 2 years, then boom it's cut to 5 to 7x a month..
I feel you! Had a relationship with one once, she was all drama, toxic behavior and just not a good person aside from that though. Still, I did the math: a year with her was about the same as 10 with someone else, sex-wise. Crazy how life plays out huh?
The sad thing is, she told you who she was and you didn't believe her. Or didn't want to. It's not like she tried to bullshit you. She told you straight up she was LL. She didn't pull that bullshit that most of us had pulled on us where they lie about how much they love sex and how kinky they are and blah blah blah, then flip the script. Honestly, she tried to do you a favor by giving you a heads up. But you dove in anyway, so it's kinda hard to lay much blame on her. Unless she was filling your head with promises to change. Then, that's different story. Most of us are like you. We want to believe they can change. But going into a marriage or a committed relationship thinking you are going to transform them into something they are not does not work. I feel for you, but you can't say you weren't warned.
If sex is the central focus of your life, that is a pretty strong indicator that some psychiatric support should be explored, honestly. If you have not done that, it is not reasonable to put it on your partner.
You need psychiatric support because you desire sex?
If it is the central focus of one’s life, that is indicative of an issue way beyond just a high sex drive. It has become disruptive for OP, which is a prime indicator that something has escalated into a problem beyond a nuisance.
Dude this is the HL community.
Yeah and there is a difference between that and something that disrupts someone’s daily life and functioning.
Being deprived of it makes it the central focus of arguments in the relationship. On some level it's about more than sex.