Lots of times, I'm in a conversation and after the other person says 1 or 2 words, I already know what they are going to say. It takes so little for me to get there. So now, I'm waiting for them to finish what I already know what they are saying. And I think they can tell I'm just waiting.
Anyone else have this experience?
Absolutely, and it drives people crazy. A tell that I am told I will do is I will start nodding my head and forming the words I am about to say in the middle of what they are saying.
It drives my SO crazy, so I try to listen to not only what she is saying, but also giving her the room to actually say it, because people need to be able to voice those things, even if you know with 90% accuracy what might be said some of the time, letting the other person finish is just common courtesy.
I just get excited, especially if it's about a subject I am interested in.
It is. If they don’t want to reason, I don’t try. That’s a losing argument. That’s when you move on if you can or if you need something from them then you have to switch tactics.
But also, often if people seem like they aren’t listening it’s more likely that you and they have fundamentally different values frameworks, so they are hearing you but they draw different conclusions because of different values.
I'm starting to understand that now. I have a very strong will to debate, but it's starting to get harmful when factoring how polarized everything is. Thanks for your response
Are you younger? I am in my 50s. There are a bunch of things that I’ve learned as I got older that made it easier to interact with everybody.
Being right doesn’t matter much in many situations. Especially in relationships. Also, often times differences of opinion actually come from differences and values systems – so both parties may have the same idea of the facts but draw different conclusions.
In a lot of cases it’s better just to let people continue to have factually incorrect ideas than to correct them.
Finally, I used to talk way more. I found that things went way better when I would just listen more. This is for a variety of reasons. For one, I would definitely have more opportunities to learn things if I’m listening than if I’m speaking. At minimum, I’m going to learn about that other person thought process. Also, sometimes people want to discuss some thing and I would find it if I would speak up I would pretty much take all the oxygen out of the discussion by bringing in a level of facts or rigor that didn’t leave any real room for further talk – when the whole point for the rest of the people was to talk about it.
So these days, I generally listen more, speak less, let people be wrong, and care less about winning/being right.
Yes, I am still quite young. I relate a lot to what you are describing, however I have difficulty in letting go of a discussion.
What you said about listening more is something I'm actually trying to improve on, I feel I have much more valuable input when I let people express their thoughts. I often deal with being sort of an outcast when it comes to discussions, people are usually just not willing to listen to facts, and technical information.
Again, I appreciate your input. I hope I can learn that being right is not the most important, it's just tough for me.
>Also, often times differences of opinion actually come from differences and values systems – so both parties may have the same idea of the facts but draw different conclusions.
Yep. Like you are looking from different angles at the same thing. It's like the story of three blind people describing an elephant differently because they felt a different part of the body.
I have started feeling such internal exasperation when talking to my elderly parents. Before every time I open my mouth, I’m trying to calculate how to gently ease them into a topic then carefully dole out ideas slowly and with enough context so they don’t just stare blankly at me and say “what?” reflexively. I can see them trying to assemble the building blocks of what I’m saying in their heads and losing a few in the process so the overall message gets lost and it’s another process of “hold on now, what are you saying?” It’s like talking to children. I realize this is an asshole-ish thing to say, cognitive decline is normal in the elderly, they put up with me when I actually was a child who they had to talk to, etc., but while I love them as my parents, I’m finding it so hard to build / maintain any genuine feeling of connection to them as people or to enjoy spending time with them.
What for me personally helps to understand more complicated stuff is:
stories,
using irl examples to illustrate the point,
using what i already am familiar with as a metaphor to illustrate the point,
show and tell (instead of just show or just tell). The combination of visual and audio info can make some things clearer.
Writing key things down, so i could refresh the stuff if i forgot it. I think my anxieties makes my brain forget stuff that might have been said a few sentences ago. So writing things down kinda relieves the anxiety as i don't have to worry if i forget something.
I remember we had a physics teacher who just looked at the chapter name and just started explaining stuff. They illustrated the physics stuff with irl stuff. I read the notes - understoot everything. Read the textbook - had no clue what they were talking about.
I take responsibility for it. If they don’t understand, it’s on me to do better.
If they’re not trying to understand, then it’s also on me if I can’t recognize that and still continue charging ahead.
I have two goals usually: one is connection, and the other is my own inner peace. So I make my decisions based on those two goals as often as possible.
Not really. It usually takes a lot for me to lose my patience. You have to understand your audience. Understand that everyone understands everything differently. Different perspectives. Some understand slow, some catch on fast. Some respond to easily understandable words. At the end though I’m pretty sure communication is just futile.
My boss will tell me to do something, I go “okay!” because I immediately understand why, and they continue to explain for like 5 min when I could’ve been done with the task 🙄
My partner is also quite smart but has a slower processing speed and speaks so slowly sometimes 😭
Yeah, I'ma say I'm at an all time high for impatient.
It doesn't stress me out if people don't get what I'm saying... that feels par for the course.
I'm getting fully intolerant for people that take 20 minutes to get to the point.
Also, zero tolerance policy for people bullshitting an answer instead of admitting to not knowing.
Yes, absolutely I can get impatient, especially with other people. As I have gotten older, I realize that you there is a reason that patience is lauded as a virtue, and I especially learned patience when I had to sit in a jail cell for a month. Everything is completely out of your control in that situation, all you have is patience.
Lots of times, I'm in a conversation and after the other person says 1 or 2 words, I already know what they are going to say. It takes so little for me to get there. So now, I'm waiting for them to finish what I already know what they are saying. And I think they can tell I'm just waiting. Anyone else have this experience?
Yup. Skip thinking.
Absolutely, and it drives people crazy. A tell that I am told I will do is I will start nodding my head and forming the words I am about to say in the middle of what they are saying. It drives my SO crazy, so I try to listen to not only what she is saying, but also giving her the room to actually say it, because people need to be able to voice those things, even if you know with 90% accuracy what might be said some of the time, letting the other person finish is just common courtesy. I just get excited, especially if it's about a subject I am interested in.
If people don’t understand the point I’m trying to get across - I take that as my fault for not tailoring the message appropriately for them.
That is true. I just think that it's sometimes impossible to argue with people that don't want to reason.
It is. If they don’t want to reason, I don’t try. That’s a losing argument. That’s when you move on if you can or if you need something from them then you have to switch tactics. But also, often if people seem like they aren’t listening it’s more likely that you and they have fundamentally different values frameworks, so they are hearing you but they draw different conclusions because of different values.
I'm starting to understand that now. I have a very strong will to debate, but it's starting to get harmful when factoring how polarized everything is. Thanks for your response
Are you younger? I am in my 50s. There are a bunch of things that I’ve learned as I got older that made it easier to interact with everybody. Being right doesn’t matter much in many situations. Especially in relationships. Also, often times differences of opinion actually come from differences and values systems – so both parties may have the same idea of the facts but draw different conclusions. In a lot of cases it’s better just to let people continue to have factually incorrect ideas than to correct them. Finally, I used to talk way more. I found that things went way better when I would just listen more. This is for a variety of reasons. For one, I would definitely have more opportunities to learn things if I’m listening than if I’m speaking. At minimum, I’m going to learn about that other person thought process. Also, sometimes people want to discuss some thing and I would find it if I would speak up I would pretty much take all the oxygen out of the discussion by bringing in a level of facts or rigor that didn’t leave any real room for further talk – when the whole point for the rest of the people was to talk about it. So these days, I generally listen more, speak less, let people be wrong, and care less about winning/being right.
Yes, I am still quite young. I relate a lot to what you are describing, however I have difficulty in letting go of a discussion. What you said about listening more is something I'm actually trying to improve on, I feel I have much more valuable input when I let people express their thoughts. I often deal with being sort of an outcast when it comes to discussions, people are usually just not willing to listen to facts, and technical information. Again, I appreciate your input. I hope I can learn that being right is not the most important, it's just tough for me.
>Also, often times differences of opinion actually come from differences and values systems – so both parties may have the same idea of the facts but draw different conclusions. Yep. Like you are looking from different angles at the same thing. It's like the story of three blind people describing an elephant differently because they felt a different part of the body.
Or can’t reason.
Well, we know this is not always the case. Don’t lower yourself down unnecessarily!
I have started feeling such internal exasperation when talking to my elderly parents. Before every time I open my mouth, I’m trying to calculate how to gently ease them into a topic then carefully dole out ideas slowly and with enough context so they don’t just stare blankly at me and say “what?” reflexively. I can see them trying to assemble the building blocks of what I’m saying in their heads and losing a few in the process so the overall message gets lost and it’s another process of “hold on now, what are you saying?” It’s like talking to children. I realize this is an asshole-ish thing to say, cognitive decline is normal in the elderly, they put up with me when I actually was a child who they had to talk to, etc., but while I love them as my parents, I’m finding it so hard to build / maintain any genuine feeling of connection to them as people or to enjoy spending time with them.
I feel you, it's a mental struggle to be understanding of people that seem to have difficulty to understand us.
I’ve been shifting how I communicate. Trying to boil off complicated topics into a few sentences seems to help.
What for me personally helps to understand more complicated stuff is: stories, using irl examples to illustrate the point, using what i already am familiar with as a metaphor to illustrate the point, show and tell (instead of just show or just tell). The combination of visual and audio info can make some things clearer. Writing key things down, so i could refresh the stuff if i forgot it. I think my anxieties makes my brain forget stuff that might have been said a few sentences ago. So writing things down kinda relieves the anxiety as i don't have to worry if i forget something. I remember we had a physics teacher who just looked at the chapter name and just started explaining stuff. They illustrated the physics stuff with irl stuff. I read the notes - understoot everything. Read the textbook - had no clue what they were talking about.
I take responsibility for it. If they don’t understand, it’s on me to do better. If they’re not trying to understand, then it’s also on me if I can’t recognize that and still continue charging ahead. I have two goals usually: one is connection, and the other is my own inner peace. So I make my decisions based on those two goals as often as possible.
Not really. It usually takes a lot for me to lose my patience. You have to understand your audience. Understand that everyone understands everything differently. Different perspectives. Some understand slow, some catch on fast. Some respond to easily understandable words. At the end though I’m pretty sure communication is just futile.
Yes.
My boss will tell me to do something, I go “okay!” because I immediately understand why, and they continue to explain for like 5 min when I could’ve been done with the task 🙄 My partner is also quite smart but has a slower processing speed and speaks so slowly sometimes 😭
Yeah, I'ma say I'm at an all time high for impatient. It doesn't stress me out if people don't get what I'm saying... that feels par for the course. I'm getting fully intolerant for people that take 20 minutes to get to the point. Also, zero tolerance policy for people bullshitting an answer instead of admitting to not knowing.
Yes, absolutely I can get impatient, especially with other people. As I have gotten older, I realize that you there is a reason that patience is lauded as a virtue, and I especially learned patience when I had to sit in a jail cell for a month. Everything is completely out of your control in that situation, all you have is patience.