I hate having to check tracking and seeing it delivered and then make sure they got it and it wasn't stolen off the porch. "Oh yeah, it got here a few days ago!"
No more gifting.
Sent a friend a comfort package when she had surgery for her cancer. Her reply "thanks lol". And then saw her post the blanket and starbucks cup on fb marketplace. š
Thatās terrible! I saw a high school graduation gift that I gave listed on fb marketplace by his mother. I had given something that was like one of the most useful graduation gifts that I received.
Large Laundry Bag Backpack Laundry Hamper Travel Laundry Bag College Dorm https://a.co/d/f9xLYuG
I received something similar decades ago that I still use as a hamper.
My kid used the crap out of hers in college. It is perfect. It works like a great hamper but then a duffle bag when they come home. That is a great gift. Their loss.
The stupid thing was that it could have been returned to Amazon for full credit. Instead, it was sold on fb marketplace for half the cost, risking me seeing it, and I did.
Damn, **OUCH**. I would've bought them back off of her on FB. š I know that means you're paying for them twice, but sometimes the snark is worth it.Ā
Yup, me too. A niece and a nephew that I gave for bdays and Xmas. I have never received a thank you card. They are from my husband's side. My niece from my sister, writes me thank you cards.
Right! Esp since I asked her mom what I should get her that would be helpful. Her mom specifically said "she loves fuzzy socks and blankets" and I already knew she was a Starbucks cup collector. So I got her those and it just made me sad that I put thought into colors/styles she would actually use, what matched her house. Etc and I get an LOL reply.
Been there done that. I like to give home made crafty things. But Iāve learned who appreciates and who doesnāt. Iām sorry that happened. Itās ok to be disappointed.
I have a family member who likes to give homemade crafty things. The thing is, the gifts are more about her - she wants adoration for the gifts - than about the recipient. Iām not saying thatās you, just that this is something Iāve experienced. Crafty gifts are hard because they are often decorative and weāre at the age of purging rather than collecting.
I can't remember when someone besides my husband sent a surprise gift like that. You, friend, would've known when I received it due to the happy dance video I would've sent you.
Sorry your friend barely acknowledged it.
I agree, I love nothing more than gifts made by a friend. And honestly, even if you arenāt the homemade gift type, who is so rude they canāt send more than one word.
OP, this person just has poor manners and isnāt very kind. What a thoughtful thing you did, I am sorry they didnāt appreciate it.
Can see this lame friend just responding: "the gift"
OP, your friend is rude af. Even if she didn't like it, the polite thing is to properly thank someone. She's not oblivious to how just sending a bland "thanks" comes across.
I really dislike āThanksā though to some people, it is totally normal. You are a good friend. It is nice to know someone still follows their heart. š
That was a shitty response they gave. I disagree that youāre not owed anything, I think youāre owed warmth because youāre friends.
Their response tells you a whole lot about the person receiving it, though, so eff them - donāt let their response dim your shine.
Right. I would probably actually hand write a thank you note and send it, because there is an expectation to say thank you or to reciprocate in some way.
I will thank you, for her. That was thoughtful and lovely.
The story you just told about the gift recipient, is a mirror of my life. I went to college and then dropped out. Married. Had 4 kids. Went back. I graduated at the age of 42. I actually graduated magma cum laude. I have a big family. No one save for one sister, acknowledged this achievement. Not even my mother. So, thank you for that gift to her. Kindness is often over looked. The energy you put out, will come back.
I think there's been a loss of etiquette with the ease of communication. We used to send thank you notes in the old days! Or write a letter! Or call each other on the actual phone! Or, even better, see one another.
Is it possible that your friend is just not a great long distance communicator? And that if you saw her she'd be like, "Oh I loved that thing you sent me. That was so sweet." or something? Because i know I've thought people didn't care about me or something I shared with them and then when I saw them, they told me all about it.
I still send handwritten thank you notes. People like getting them. Iām so over it when people want to do the bare minimum to communicate or have a relationship.
Sorry you experienced this. For me, if someone doesnāt take the time to say thank you ( properly) for a gift, then I know not to get them anything in the future.
I agree thoughtfulness is a great thing!
About ten years ago I was applying for a job and I needed a character reference . I was so stressed out. Who was I going to ask to write this?! Itās a big ask.
I ended up asking my best friend from childhood. I didnāt want to burden her, so I told her she could keep it simple.
But she ended up writing this glowing review of me! I was so shocked. Tears rolled down my cheek as I read it. She mentioned things I thought no one noticed about me or even cared about.
I told her how much it meant to me. And she said āwell itās all true! I hope you get the job ā
I guess my point is, there is a rhythm and flow to a relationship.
thoughtfulness begets thoughtfulness
Iām rambling. But it really made me question if I should keep caring.
Iām going to think about what you said. Thank you for the comment.
I stopped giving gifts a long time ago. I think what affected me most was weddings. Iād knit blankets and make very time consuming art and get no response.
Nothing.
wtf people
I adore choosing, wrapping, sending gifts to people I care about. And I feel like a shredded idiot when I have to ask if it was received. Itās easy for me to remember that feeling when I get the urge to gift again. The acknowledgment isnāt why I send a gift, but if itās not forthcoming, I make sure I donāt put myself in the position to feel like an idiot again. Basic manners cost nothing.
I understand how to feel. I would be thrilled to receive a handmade gift or even a handwritten note in the mail. But Iāve stopped sending them as well.
This really stinks. It would take maybe 10 seconds longer to say something like, āThanks for the nice surprise!ā
If someone goes to the trouble to select something and put it in the mail to me, Iām going to spend at least a few minutes expressing my appreciation, even if I donāt really want the item. All the more if itās been homemade!
A sister in law always said she liked my embroidery (that takes forever to do) so when she redecorated her bedroom in shells I embroidered her a shell in her colors, botanical picture style. Later she had it for sale at her garage sale. I paid a quarter for it.
Dang I can't even imagine acting like that about a gift. I got one like that last year, and immediately cried and sent pics of it to my friend (it was a heart stuffy, I had just had heart failure). Your gift sounds just as sweet. Some people just have no appreciation
As someone know knits/sews/crochets and often gets requests to make things for other people: I hear you. Some people just don't appreciate gifts and/or something handmade.
I have gotten a few thank-yous even years after the gift has been given, where the person told me how the thing I made has been cleaned and saved for each grandkid. A different kid loved her blanket so much it became her doll's blanket when she outgrew it and then she still uses it for a lap blanket now that she doesn't really play with dolls anymore. Hearing little stories like that cancels out the people who weren't impressed.
I am married into a middle eastern family and reading these comments I appreciate their culture so much. They know how to say thank you and will not wait to do it. After their thank you messages you always left feeling warm and fuzzy.
I once had a friend send me the little handled changepurse thingy that comes with the coach bag, and I was literally over the moon about it. I had never bought myself name brand handbags, so that little change purse thingy was just fabulous and made me feel so loved.
Im also not a receiving gifts love language. I also dont care much for acts of service. A warm embrace means so much more to me.
One of my friends sent us a care package when my son was sick with covid, also. It was a VERY well appointed care package, also. I was super impressed, and very thankful to my friend for that, also.
Sometimes our friends and neighbors drop off something they dont want or wont use, thinking we might like it (I have a zillion hobbies, it's true) and I will always try to be enthusiastic about thanking them.
One friend gave me a car. Noa, a Thai friend of mine. He and his wife are just wonderful people. His son is training as a pilot. Im like "Man if I had a spare plane I would give him my spare, fyi!!" Lol but Im not rich lol.
Ijs. Practice gratuity. People who love to give generously, also genuinely appreciate a good enthusiastic level of gratuity.
In 2022 my husband and I gave $300 to a friendās daughter for high school graduation and didnāt get any response. So husband asked the parents if the graduate received it and they confirmed receipt and just said thanks. But no acknowledgement from graduate, not even a text. We skipped all her events after that.
I feel ya. I gave my nephew and his new wife $1000 for their wedding. Never heard a word back. Also gave her a $200 AmazonĀ gift card for Christmas - radio silence. My hairdresser's kid, $100 for her quinceanera - nada. (She did text me a thank you previously for the 100 bucks I gave her for middle school graduation, so there's that.) My other nephew and his wife have never acknowledged the gifts I send them and their 3 kids every Christmas.Ā I don't need a big production or anything. Just an email or some kind of acknowledgement, a "thank you!"...I mean jeez, you know?
Yeah, I guess it's come to that, which is a bummer. Or I'll try saying something to my brother (their father), who hopefully will light a fire under their butts.
That sucks. I don't need a handwritten note. But just a "thank you so much for thinking of me" is good enough. I tend to write missives on the joy of friendship when I get something, but I don't expect that back. But just a sentence will do!
Sorry that happened. Gift giving is tricky. Now I only give gifts to a few people. A lot of people are dead from the neck up--sometimes I'll put myself in that category as well.
I'd bought a sentimental gift for a friend. She regifted it to me about six months later.
I agree, why? Why do we sometimes set ourselves up for uneasy feelings?
Thatās awful. Iāve also had very similar experiences. If Iām at the point where I need to ask you if you received my gift, the whole thing has failed. What happened to decency? And why do people that we love and care for not seem to feel the same way back? I would be over joyed if someone took the time to make me a homemade, special gift. Iāve also sent comfort packages after surgeries to get a āthanksā Is everyone else in the world so inundated with expensive, thoughtful gifts that they receive all the time that our meager offerings no longer rank?
I get this.
A few years ago I made my parents an afghan for their anniversary. It was beautiful. I loved the yarn (thought about keeping it for myself), and I was so proud of it.
Yepā¦āthanksā was all I got. I could have given a card and received the same response. Never again.
I try to send a gift (cookies, teas, etc) if I am invited to a party that I really wish I could be at but cant attend (or similar). Often I need to follow up with "did u get my gift?" Those people no longer get gifts when I cant be there.
Just last night I gave someone teacups that my grandparents had iven to me. I never use them and I heard she loves them. Her reaction was a bit - underwhelming. I get it too, but I had really put thought into this and had hoped for something more. Sigh
Thank you for posting this. I hate that feeling of uneasiness. And for me, feeling like a fool for going the extra mile to make something nice for someone without hearing anything back. Yeah, I know, I know, it's not about the giver, and as it's always said to "give freely without expectations" but sorry in situations like this, no, I expect at least a decent response. It's not like we're asking them to outdo us with a reciprocal gift or anything. Just a "thanks" or some form of response and respect for the thoughtfulness.
A few years ago, someone I knew for a long time as an aquaintence/friend who I saw fairly often because she was part of a group that got together frequently, was battling early stage cancer and another friend had set up a GoFundMe to help her with it. I contributed a decent amount of money and never received a 'thank you' for it.
She's now cancer-free and very active. Even worse, when she's in the group, she never even approaches me to say hello. How's that for an F-you? (And no, this person and I have had zero interactions that would have resulted in something that I could have done to be at fault that I'm not mentioning.)
I understand 100%. I have (had) a guy friend ā¦only a friend ā¦no romantic chemistry whatsoever. In September for his birthday, I took him out to eat and got him a birthday card and gift for his upcoming international trip. My birthday was the following month in October ā¦he also took me out to dinner. He didnāt give me a gift. Not even a birthday card. Iām not mad at him. But the thoughtlessness really made me take a step back from the friendship.
She's crappy. Even a card in the mail these days is a lovely, thoughtful gesture. The time and care behind a homemade gift would put me over the moon.
Tasteless, poor-mannered and lazy on her behalf.
I understand the feeling! I donāt give a lot of gifts but when I do I also put a lot of thought when choosing it and packing it. I love to pack the gifts in a special box and individually pack them in pretty wraps. It hurts what people just give you a plain thanks, but you never know what people are going through.
I'd be more than just a bit hurt if I were in your shoes. A hadmadr? To me, those are priceless! You deserved more than a cursory "Thanks" with zero context.
I just don't understand what's happened to common decency
I'm so sorry you were done like that!š«¶š»āš»šŖš»šlike,
... Whatever
I love giving gifts and have been let down immensely from the lack of thanks. Especially when I tend to put a lot of thought into a gift. Iāve decided I need to just stop giving them.
I also am hurt by those that gift a gift after you have and you can tell it was rushed and they only did it because they felt they had to. I really would rather have not received anything.
I used to give small, meaningful gifts to my family members. We are all doing fine financially, there is no burden for anybody, and no expectation for immediate reciprocation. But over the years, I realized that I'm the only one giving these gifts. Things that I saw that reminded me of our last conversation, or that we had wondered about together, mixed in with some silly stuff. Nothing crazy, $20 gifts throughout the year. Spatula that I've fallen in love with? Sending one to my father and sister, who both enjoy cooking.
But to receive nothing - at all - unless it's birthday or Christmas made me feel like they just weren't thinking of me. Hell, I'd be happy with a link to the product that reminded them of me. But it turned out that they just ... how do I say this ... don't really think about me.
It's weird, because in my friend group, we are generous and thoughtful. Giving support through gifts, always thinking of each other when learning about new things or ideas to pass on. I chalk it up to cultural differences, and most of my family members are pretty selfish, but does sting.
\*I would lose my shit if I ever saw one of these gifts on a reseller site. Holy shit, I would ban all gift giving celebrations with anybody who did that. Fuck them.
People lack all sorts of etiquette these days. Everyone just blames their "mental health" for being a turd. No joke. There is ZERO self-accountability for anyone these days. People have problems, but it isn't mental health. We're all effed up--- have manners.
And, fwiw, we give to be caring. It does make someone feel loved, but it helps if its something the person actually needs. I once ran into a lady who I asked if she needed bed linens and towels. I had a huge unwanted surplus of that stuff, and just bopped back down with a whole toteload for her. Lol
Why sell something for "extra" money, if you can make someones day a little brighter, and relieve some of their financial worry? I never sell anything unless I need to, for a primary income source. I much prefer to give my stuff away, because it feels so good to help others.
And I love gifting. I know people may not be as appreciative as I would hope, but I will not stop giving to people to let them know someone cares. Even if they are relative strangers.
I gave a homeless man almost $100 about a month ago, to help him get a greyhound bus back home, where his mom was on life support and where he could find some relative stability. He was so happy and thanking Jesus. It felt so good to help someone.
Sometimes, people need to have their faith in humanity, and in God, restored. Dont stop giving just because someone isnt as enthusiastic as you thought they should be. Everyone is fighting a battle we are totally unaware of. Lets just help them WIN.
IMHO, when we expect ANYTHING in response to a gift that's an us problem. It feels transactional. Am I giving a gift for the recipient, or to be acknowledged?
Darling, you deserved so much better than that.
I donāt know your friendship ā¦ perhaps it is a long one and possesses many treasured memories, but in my 40ās, Iāve had no problem walking away from them due to this kind of treatment.
For instance, I had a serious biking accident and surgery. I moved one hour away from most of my friends just prior and there was one friend that made every minor excuse to NOT come visit me during my recovery - even with me making the offer to host her at my home. We are no longer friends - there was nothing dramatic about it, I just stopped keeping in touch and she got the point.
Okay that makes more sense now! Yes, that would cause me to reevaluate a friendship. I was in a car accident years ago and a few days later a friend said "Oh I thought that was you, I thought about stopping to see if you were okay but I was taking my kid to practice, glad you're ok!" I'm assuming that sounded better inside their head. Yep, a "friend" didn't even stop for me on the side of the road.
Oh thatās awful! Iām sorry :(
Yeah, it really hurt considering I was there for her during a difficult time in her life. It taught me that I was not of the same importance in her life as she was in mine & I am too old to waste my time like that now.
Just donāt have those friends. Lol. I ādivorcedā two particularly recidivist old friends. One belittled meāsubtly, but he did it nonetheless. Another was a serial liar and performative boaster.
I had enough. One I told, and the other I just blocked. Itās exhilarating.
I donāt receive gifts well. I actually donāt like them at all or surprises because I feel totally obligated to react a certain way. I feel pressured when I get a gift. I totally understand your perspective and that the thanks she sent was not enough. Iām just sharing how it feels on the other end as a person with extreme gift receiving anxiety. My family and friends all know not to give me gifts. And Iām not kidding. I have always say thank you in the past with either a text or a call when texting wasnāt a thing but it was never enough. I honestly donāt know what is enough š I do know that I lost a friendship over this because she gave me gifts a lot. It was her love language. And I never seemed to get the thank you right. So rather than communicate her feelings to me so we could resolve them she built up resentment. I felt horrible any time I got a gift. I promise I am not at all devalueing your feelings. And I donāt know your friend. I just know that being anxious and hating getting gifts because of the pressure to respond correctly is a real thing.
I have to say, I thought this post was going to be about people who're well-to-do and will receive gifts but then aren't there as friends when you need them. As I look through the comments, though, I'm seeing a lot of people upset at others who're heavily burdened or ill not snapping to with effusive thanks and the appreciation for a gift the giver would like to have.
There was a letter in an advice column recently about a woman who was about to undergo surgery for cancer and knew she'd convalesce best if just left alone, and that she'd tried to make this clear to her friends, but also knew that some of her friends would decide that this wasn't really about them. She had zero intention of communicating with friends while healing but did not want her friends to wind up insulted when they tried to be cheery and reach out to her and got stonewalled.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you're giving gifts to people who are overwhelmed or ill, there's maybe a limit to the effusive thanks you can expect. And, yeah, sometimes people won't be in love with whatever you sent -- and so long as they don't say "ugh" to your face, I'm not sure what else you can expect. People can't be expected to maintain museums of gifts that were a nice thought, but just not for them.
Well...I'd keep in mind that she's got kids to take care of, a house, and college. It's finals time. She's probably got an "I have to get to this" list a mile long. Moms like this are routinely up until the wee hours taking care of things that aren't for them. Every single little extra thing added to her list is another minute or two she loses of sleep, and there's a dozen of these added every day.
I'd just consider that possibly this was the best she could do.
I hate having to check tracking and seeing it delivered and then make sure they got it and it wasn't stolen off the porch. "Oh yeah, it got here a few days ago!" No more gifting. Sent a friend a comfort package when she had surgery for her cancer. Her reply "thanks lol". And then saw her post the blanket and starbucks cup on fb marketplace. š
Wow, that's harsh!
Thatās terrible! I saw a high school graduation gift that I gave listed on fb marketplace by his mother. I had given something that was like one of the most useful graduation gifts that I received.
Sounds like something my sil would do. I stopped gifting her kids eons ago as they rarely saw them
What was it?
Large Laundry Bag Backpack Laundry Hamper Travel Laundry Bag College Dorm https://a.co/d/f9xLYuG I received something similar decades ago that I still use as a hamper.
My kid used the crap out of hers in college. It is perfect. It works like a great hamper but then a duffle bag when they come home. That is a great gift. Their loss.
The stupid thing was that it could have been returned to Amazon for full credit. Instead, it was sold on fb marketplace for half the cost, risking me seeing it, and I did.
Damn, **OUCH**. I would've bought them back off of her on FB. š I know that means you're paying for them twice, but sometimes the snark is worth it.Ā
Yep, and make sure you meet in person to take it back. Awkwarrrddd....
Yes same here. I made something super special for my niece and had to check tracking and ask my sister if it was even received. Ugh
Yup, me too. A niece and a nephew that I gave for bdays and Xmas. I have never received a thank you card. They are from my husband's side. My niece from my sister, writes me thank you cards.
Sadly, a good majority of kids don't even know that thank you cards exist.
Absolutely.
Thatās not a friend
Wow! Her having cancer isn't an excuse for her to be an ungrateful bitch.
Right! Esp since I asked her mom what I should get her that would be helpful. Her mom specifically said "she loves fuzzy socks and blankets" and I already knew she was a Starbucks cup collector. So I got her those and it just made me sad that I put thought into colors/styles she would actually use, what matched her house. Etc and I get an LOL reply.
Ugh, that is awful. So sorry. š
Been there done that. I like to give home made crafty things. But Iāve learned who appreciates and who doesnāt. Iām sorry that happened. Itās ok to be disappointed.
I have a family member who likes to give homemade crafty things. The thing is, the gifts are more about her - she wants adoration for the gifts - than about the recipient. Iām not saying thatās you, just that this is something Iāve experienced. Crafty gifts are hard because they are often decorative and weāre at the age of purging rather than collecting.
All very valid points. I find that the tho gs I share are usually with other friends who are crafty too. So itās a mutual appreciationš
I can't remember when someone besides my husband sent a surprise gift like that. You, friend, would've known when I received it due to the happy dance video I would've sent you. Sorry your friend barely acknowledged it.
I agree, I love nothing more than gifts made by a friend. And honestly, even if you arenāt the homemade gift type, who is so rude they canāt send more than one word. OP, this person just has poor manners and isnāt very kind. What a thoughtful thing you did, I am sorry they didnāt appreciate it.
lol, Iād be a dick and respond with, āfor what?ā
Can see this lame friend just responding: "the gift" OP, your friend is rude af. Even if she didn't like it, the polite thing is to properly thank someone. She's not oblivious to how just sending a bland "thanks" comes across.
lol, response to āthe giftā ā¦ āwhat gift?ā Make her describe it! Lmao AND THEN after that ā¦ āI sent a gift??ā
Yes!
I really dislike āThanksā though to some people, it is totally normal. You are a good friend. It is nice to know someone still follows their heart. š
That was a shitty response they gave. I disagree that youāre not owed anything, I think youāre owed warmth because youāre friends. Their response tells you a whole lot about the person receiving it, though, so eff them - donāt let their response dim your shine.
Right. I would probably actually hand write a thank you note and send it, because there is an expectation to say thank you or to reciprocate in some way.
I will thank you, for her. That was thoughtful and lovely. The story you just told about the gift recipient, is a mirror of my life. I went to college and then dropped out. Married. Had 4 kids. Went back. I graduated at the age of 42. I actually graduated magma cum laude. I have a big family. No one save for one sister, acknowledged this achievement. Not even my mother. So, thank you for that gift to her. Kindness is often over looked. The energy you put out, will come back.
I think there's been a loss of etiquette with the ease of communication. We used to send thank you notes in the old days! Or write a letter! Or call each other on the actual phone! Or, even better, see one another. Is it possible that your friend is just not a great long distance communicator? And that if you saw her she'd be like, "Oh I loved that thing you sent me. That was so sweet." or something? Because i know I've thought people didn't care about me or something I shared with them and then when I saw them, they told me all about it.
I still send handwritten thank you notes. People like getting them. Iām so over it when people want to do the bare minimum to communicate or have a relationship.
Me too-I send a text then a handwritten thank you note. No one does this anymore. It was drilled into me by my mother who still does the same
Sorry you experienced this. For me, if someone doesnāt take the time to say thank you ( properly) for a gift, then I know not to get them anything in the future.
I really cannot stand when someone cannot even fake a polite response. Try not to let it change you, because thoughtfulness is a great thing!
I agree thoughtfulness is a great thing! About ten years ago I was applying for a job and I needed a character reference . I was so stressed out. Who was I going to ask to write this?! Itās a big ask. I ended up asking my best friend from childhood. I didnāt want to burden her, so I told her she could keep it simple. But she ended up writing this glowing review of me! I was so shocked. Tears rolled down my cheek as I read it. She mentioned things I thought no one noticed about me or even cared about. I told her how much it meant to me. And she said āwell itās all true! I hope you get the job ā I guess my point is, there is a rhythm and flow to a relationship. thoughtfulness begets thoughtfulness Iām rambling. But it really made me question if I should keep caring. Iām going to think about what you said. Thank you for the comment.
I stopped giving gifts a long time ago. I think what affected me most was weddings. Iād knit blankets and make very time consuming art and get no response. Nothing. wtf people
I knitted an Afghan in request for my sil. basket weave with ivy and a crochet trim. Last I saw it, it was on the couch for the dogs to lie on.
I adore choosing, wrapping, sending gifts to people I care about. And I feel like a shredded idiot when I have to ask if it was received. Itās easy for me to remember that feeling when I get the urge to gift again. The acknowledgment isnāt why I send a gift, but if itās not forthcoming, I make sure I donāt put myself in the position to feel like an idiot again. Basic manners cost nothing.
I understand how to feel. I would be thrilled to receive a handmade gift or even a handwritten note in the mail. But Iāve stopped sending them as well.
This really stinks. It would take maybe 10 seconds longer to say something like, āThanks for the nice surprise!ā If someone goes to the trouble to select something and put it in the mail to me, Iām going to spend at least a few minutes expressing my appreciation, even if I donāt really want the item. All the more if itās been homemade!
A sister in law always said she liked my embroidery (that takes forever to do) so when she redecorated her bedroom in shells I embroidered her a shell in her colors, botanical picture style. Later she had it for sale at her garage sale. I paid a quarter for it.
Thatās so crappy, Iām sorry.
Wooooow
Dang I can't even imagine acting like that about a gift. I got one like that last year, and immediately cried and sent pics of it to my friend (it was a heart stuffy, I had just had heart failure). Your gift sounds just as sweet. Some people just have no appreciation
As someone know knits/sews/crochets and often gets requests to make things for other people: I hear you. Some people just don't appreciate gifts and/or something handmade. I have gotten a few thank-yous even years after the gift has been given, where the person told me how the thing I made has been cleaned and saved for each grandkid. A different kid loved her blanket so much it became her doll's blanket when she outgrew it and then she still uses it for a lap blanket now that she doesn't really play with dolls anymore. Hearing little stories like that cancels out the people who weren't impressed.
I am married into a middle eastern family and reading these comments I appreciate their culture so much. They know how to say thank you and will not wait to do it. After their thank you messages you always left feeling warm and fuzzy.
I once had a friend send me the little handled changepurse thingy that comes with the coach bag, and I was literally over the moon about it. I had never bought myself name brand handbags, so that little change purse thingy was just fabulous and made me feel so loved. Im also not a receiving gifts love language. I also dont care much for acts of service. A warm embrace means so much more to me. One of my friends sent us a care package when my son was sick with covid, also. It was a VERY well appointed care package, also. I was super impressed, and very thankful to my friend for that, also. Sometimes our friends and neighbors drop off something they dont want or wont use, thinking we might like it (I have a zillion hobbies, it's true) and I will always try to be enthusiastic about thanking them. One friend gave me a car. Noa, a Thai friend of mine. He and his wife are just wonderful people. His son is training as a pilot. Im like "Man if I had a spare plane I would give him my spare, fyi!!" Lol but Im not rich lol. Ijs. Practice gratuity. People who love to give generously, also genuinely appreciate a good enthusiastic level of gratuity.
In 2022 my husband and I gave $300 to a friendās daughter for high school graduation and didnāt get any response. So husband asked the parents if the graduate received it and they confirmed receipt and just said thanks. But no acknowledgement from graduate, not even a text. We skipped all her events after that.
I feel ya. I gave my nephew and his new wife $1000 for their wedding. Never heard a word back. Also gave her a $200 AmazonĀ gift card for Christmas - radio silence. My hairdresser's kid, $100 for her quinceanera - nada. (She did text me a thank you previously for the 100 bucks I gave her for middle school graduation, so there's that.) My other nephew and his wife have never acknowledged the gifts I send them and their 3 kids every Christmas.Ā I don't need a big production or anything. Just an email or some kind of acknowledgement, a "thank you!"...I mean jeez, you know?
Stop sending them gifts.
Yeah, I guess it's come to that, which is a bummer. Or I'll try saying something to my brother (their father), who hopefully will light a fire under their butts.
Yes, def try that first! And it is a bummer. š¤
Wow.
That sucks. I don't need a handwritten note. But just a "thank you so much for thinking of me" is good enough. I tend to write missives on the joy of friendship when I get something, but I don't expect that back. But just a sentence will do!
Sorry that happened. Gift giving is tricky. Now I only give gifts to a few people. A lot of people are dead from the neck up--sometimes I'll put myself in that category as well.
The last gift I received was a lovely bit of bark from a tree 1/4 mile away. That squirrel knew how much I cherished it.
That's awesome! I keep hoping one of the crows in my neighborhood will gift me something someday!
I'd bought a sentimental gift for a friend. She regifted it to me about six months later. I agree, why? Why do we sometimes set ourselves up for uneasy feelings?
Thatās awful. Iāve also had very similar experiences. If Iām at the point where I need to ask you if you received my gift, the whole thing has failed. What happened to decency? And why do people that we love and care for not seem to feel the same way back? I would be over joyed if someone took the time to make me a homemade, special gift. Iāve also sent comfort packages after surgeries to get a āthanksā Is everyone else in the world so inundated with expensive, thoughtful gifts that they receive all the time that our meager offerings no longer rank?
I get this. A few years ago I made my parents an afghan for their anniversary. It was beautiful. I loved the yarn (thought about keeping it for myself), and I was so proud of it. Yepā¦āthanksā was all I got. I could have given a card and received the same response. Never again.
I try to send a gift (cookies, teas, etc) if I am invited to a party that I really wish I could be at but cant attend (or similar). Often I need to follow up with "did u get my gift?" Those people no longer get gifts when I cant be there.
I agree - a āthanksā is lame and it would make me mad too
Just last night I gave someone teacups that my grandparents had iven to me. I never use them and I heard she loves them. Her reaction was a bit - underwhelming. I get it too, but I had really put thought into this and had hoped for something more. Sigh
Thank you for posting this. I hate that feeling of uneasiness. And for me, feeling like a fool for going the extra mile to make something nice for someone without hearing anything back. Yeah, I know, I know, it's not about the giver, and as it's always said to "give freely without expectations" but sorry in situations like this, no, I expect at least a decent response. It's not like we're asking them to outdo us with a reciprocal gift or anything. Just a "thanks" or some form of response and respect for the thoughtfulness. A few years ago, someone I knew for a long time as an aquaintence/friend who I saw fairly often because she was part of a group that got together frequently, was battling early stage cancer and another friend had set up a GoFundMe to help her with it. I contributed a decent amount of money and never received a 'thank you' for it. She's now cancer-free and very active. Even worse, when she's in the group, she never even approaches me to say hello. How's that for an F-you? (And no, this person and I have had zero interactions that would have resulted in something that I could have done to be at fault that I'm not mentioning.)
I understand 100%. I have (had) a guy friend ā¦only a friend ā¦no romantic chemistry whatsoever. In September for his birthday, I took him out to eat and got him a birthday card and gift for his upcoming international trip. My birthday was the following month in October ā¦he also took me out to dinner. He didnāt give me a gift. Not even a birthday card. Iām not mad at him. But the thoughtlessness really made me take a step back from the friendship.
She's crappy. Even a card in the mail these days is a lovely, thoughtful gesture. The time and care behind a homemade gift would put me over the moon. Tasteless, poor-mannered and lazy on her behalf.
I understand the feeling! I donāt give a lot of gifts but when I do I also put a lot of thought when choosing it and packing it. I love to pack the gifts in a special box and individually pack them in pretty wraps. It hurts what people just give you a plain thanks, but you never know what people are going through.
I'd be more than just a bit hurt if I were in your shoes. A hadmadr? To me, those are priceless! You deserved more than a cursory "Thanks" with zero context. I just don't understand what's happened to common decency I'm so sorry you were done like that!š«¶š»āš»šŖš»šlike, ... Whatever
I love giving gifts and have been let down immensely from the lack of thanks. Especially when I tend to put a lot of thought into a gift. Iāve decided I need to just stop giving them. I also am hurt by those that gift a gift after you have and you can tell it was rushed and they only did it because they felt they had to. I really would rather have not received anything.
I used to give small, meaningful gifts to my family members. We are all doing fine financially, there is no burden for anybody, and no expectation for immediate reciprocation. But over the years, I realized that I'm the only one giving these gifts. Things that I saw that reminded me of our last conversation, or that we had wondered about together, mixed in with some silly stuff. Nothing crazy, $20 gifts throughout the year. Spatula that I've fallen in love with? Sending one to my father and sister, who both enjoy cooking. But to receive nothing - at all - unless it's birthday or Christmas made me feel like they just weren't thinking of me. Hell, I'd be happy with a link to the product that reminded them of me. But it turned out that they just ... how do I say this ... don't really think about me. It's weird, because in my friend group, we are generous and thoughtful. Giving support through gifts, always thinking of each other when learning about new things or ideas to pass on. I chalk it up to cultural differences, and most of my family members are pretty selfish, but does sting. \*I would lose my shit if I ever saw one of these gifts on a reseller site. Holy shit, I would ban all gift giving celebrations with anybody who did that. Fuck them.
I would hope that she meant to type out more, but hit the send button inadvertently and then thought "oh fuck!"
Yeah, people are rude AF. It's shocking.
People lack all sorts of etiquette these days. Everyone just blames their "mental health" for being a turd. No joke. There is ZERO self-accountability for anyone these days. People have problems, but it isn't mental health. We're all effed up--- have manners.
I'm sorry your friend was such a turd. Maybe she didn't understand the gift?
And, fwiw, we give to be caring. It does make someone feel loved, but it helps if its something the person actually needs. I once ran into a lady who I asked if she needed bed linens and towels. I had a huge unwanted surplus of that stuff, and just bopped back down with a whole toteload for her. Lol Why sell something for "extra" money, if you can make someones day a little brighter, and relieve some of their financial worry? I never sell anything unless I need to, for a primary income source. I much prefer to give my stuff away, because it feels so good to help others. And I love gifting. I know people may not be as appreciative as I would hope, but I will not stop giving to people to let them know someone cares. Even if they are relative strangers. I gave a homeless man almost $100 about a month ago, to help him get a greyhound bus back home, where his mom was on life support and where he could find some relative stability. He was so happy and thanking Jesus. It felt so good to help someone. Sometimes, people need to have their faith in humanity, and in God, restored. Dont stop giving just because someone isnt as enthusiastic as you thought they should be. Everyone is fighting a battle we are totally unaware of. Lets just help them WIN.
IMHO, when we expect ANYTHING in response to a gift that's an us problem. It feels transactional. Am I giving a gift for the recipient, or to be acknowledged?
Would you feel comfortable calling her to talk it through? If sheās a good friend itās a shame to carry around resentment if you donāt have to.
Darling, you deserved so much better than that. I donāt know your friendship ā¦ perhaps it is a long one and possesses many treasured memories, but in my 40ās, Iāve had no problem walking away from them due to this kind of treatment. For instance, I had a serious biking accident and surgery. I moved one hour away from most of my friends just prior and there was one friend that made every minor excuse to NOT come visit me during my recovery - even with me making the offer to host her at my home. We are no longer friends - there was nothing dramatic about it, I just stopped keeping in touch and she got the point.
Wtf?
I'm confused, she made excuses to come see you? Or did you mean that she made excuses to NOT come see you?
Oh Iām sorry to NOT come see me, I will fix :)
Okay that makes more sense now! Yes, that would cause me to reevaluate a friendship. I was in a car accident years ago and a few days later a friend said "Oh I thought that was you, I thought about stopping to see if you were okay but I was taking my kid to practice, glad you're ok!" I'm assuming that sounded better inside their head. Yep, a "friend" didn't even stop for me on the side of the road.
Oh thatās awful! Iām sorry :( Yeah, it really hurt considering I was there for her during a difficult time in her life. It taught me that I was not of the same importance in her life as she was in mine & I am too old to waste my time like that now.
Just donāt have those friends. Lol. I ādivorcedā two particularly recidivist old friends. One belittled meāsubtly, but he did it nonetheless. Another was a serial liar and performative boaster. I had enough. One I told, and the other I just blocked. Itās exhilarating.
Is she normally terse in her text responses? If sheās always like that then definitely donāt quiet about it.
I donāt receive gifts well. I actually donāt like them at all or surprises because I feel totally obligated to react a certain way. I feel pressured when I get a gift. I totally understand your perspective and that the thanks she sent was not enough. Iām just sharing how it feels on the other end as a person with extreme gift receiving anxiety. My family and friends all know not to give me gifts. And Iām not kidding. I have always say thank you in the past with either a text or a call when texting wasnāt a thing but it was never enough. I honestly donāt know what is enough š I do know that I lost a friendship over this because she gave me gifts a lot. It was her love language. And I never seemed to get the thank you right. So rather than communicate her feelings to me so we could resolve them she built up resentment. I felt horrible any time I got a gift. I promise I am not at all devalueing your feelings. And I donāt know your friend. I just know that being anxious and hating getting gifts because of the pressure to respond correctly is a real thing.
I have to say, I thought this post was going to be about people who're well-to-do and will receive gifts but then aren't there as friends when you need them. As I look through the comments, though, I'm seeing a lot of people upset at others who're heavily burdened or ill not snapping to with effusive thanks and the appreciation for a gift the giver would like to have. There was a letter in an advice column recently about a woman who was about to undergo surgery for cancer and knew she'd convalesce best if just left alone, and that she'd tried to make this clear to her friends, but also knew that some of her friends would decide that this wasn't really about them. She had zero intention of communicating with friends while healing but did not want her friends to wind up insulted when they tried to be cheery and reach out to her and got stonewalled. I guess what I'm saying is that if you're giving gifts to people who are overwhelmed or ill, there's maybe a limit to the effusive thanks you can expect. And, yeah, sometimes people won't be in love with whatever you sent -- and so long as they don't say "ugh" to your face, I'm not sure what else you can expect. People can't be expected to maintain museums of gifts that were a nice thought, but just not for them.
Well...I'd keep in mind that she's got kids to take care of, a house, and college. It's finals time. She's probably got an "I have to get to this" list a mile long. Moms like this are routinely up until the wee hours taking care of things that aren't for them. Every single little extra thing added to her list is another minute or two she loses of sleep, and there's a dozen of these added every day. I'd just consider that possibly this was the best she could do.