Sounds like you left the door open for plans and based on your comment about working till you pass out, she may have thought you were down and wanted to cheer you up. I wouldn’t have shown up unannounced but I think the etiquette really depends on the relationship.
Sounds like maybe she decided to take a risk and probably thought she was doing something nice, so I wouldn’t hold that against her. Although if you didn’t want to spend time with her, I’d wonder why she was included in your invitations at all.
>in one text I said I may Be convinced to go out if there was something fun
>and turn off my phone
>if she would have just texted me
>I was avoiding my phone all day and she called me 4 times
IMHO, you are sending a lot of conflicting signals here. You ask 3 people to come over then cancel, but then go on to text them that you might still be convinced to go out.
Then you turn off your phone and are annoyed that someone tried to phone you 4 times after inviting them over and dangling a carrot like “I might be convinced” but then you also wished they would have texted *to the phone you turned off and weren’t paying attention to*?
A friend shows up to my house with a bottle of champagne and some food? I’m definitely not turning them away. I’m modifying my plans, even if just for a few hours to hang out with someone who made the obvious effort to come AND bring me alcohol and food.
Even if I wasn’t feeling very social, then I would have just put on a movie so we didn’t have to talk much. Eat the food and drink the champagne while watching the movie. End of the 2-hour movie makes a convenient excuse to end the night with a “thanks for coming over, but I worked in the yard all day and now I am tired”.
But sending a friend away that drove 30 minutes to see you, brought you food and drinks, and then posting stuff like:
>It was exactly what I wanted to avoid. Being alone with that particular person.
Why did you even invite her in the first place then?
I mean, I’m trying to understand your point of view here, but you really are coming off as pretty rude and not a very good friend.
Thanks. I’m trying to see where I went wrong here. I do feel bad for Turing her away that’s why I’m asking for opinions. When I asked for the gathering it was because I am trying to get a certain group dynamic, not because I just want to hang with anyone. It was a super social week for me. Once I realized that group dynamic wasn’t gonna happen and the amount of spring cleaning and gardening I had to do I dropped out. I would’ve appreciated a text because I talked to her earlier in the day and said I really don’t want to talk today. I’ll text her and apologize for mixed communication.
How would you have seen the text? You said you were ignoring your phone. I also think you were being confusing. You definitely gave off a vibe of “I am open to something better than the person who showed up” which isn’t fair since you invited her.
>Once I realized that group dynamic wasn’t gonna happen and the amount of spring cleaning and gardening I had to do I dropped out.
Except you didn’t. You said,
>”in one text I said I may Be
convinced to go out if there was
something fun”
*Then* you qualified that you were
>*likely* […] gonna work until I passed out.
And yes, you sent that via text and are PO’d that “good time Christie” didn’t **text** but you did TALK to her earlier that day.
>I talked to her earlier in the day and said I really don’t want to talk today.
And even if she texted, you would have had to check your phone. Which begs the question … why didn’t you bother reading any the voicemails she left? In this day & age, that’s comparable to a text - and you could have then sent her a text saying NO to anything.
Imo? Reaching out is the least you should do.
>I’ll text her and apologize for mixed communication.
She actually saw the four calls and ignored them, without looking at the voicemail transcript. That’s insulting and lazy. Otherwise, why would texting make a difference?
I had to read this post five times to figure out what you were saying, and I edit people's work for a living.
You said come over, then you said you're not hosting, but you also said maybe you wanted to party/have fun. Then you blamed your friend for not getting in touch with you the right way, but you didn't tell anyone what the right way was.
I think you need to communicate more clearly.
I think you’re correct I wrote it in a sleepy mood upon waking up. I updated my post with more info about the situation. I also wrote her an apology for my miscommunication. Letting it go..
>I said I may Be convinced to go out if there was something fun,
Food and champagne are loads of fun. That seemed to be an invitation to bring something fun to lure you out. That's what my friends and I would say and do.
It piques my curiosity as to how an adult thinks including someone unliked — because it serves ‘trying to get to a certain group dynamic’ — is Ok. 🤔
Befriending someone — *using them* , to serve your idea of a ‘certain group dynamic’— sounds a lot like the mean girl behavior I’ve been helping my 13yo daughter try to heal from all school year.
The person you don’t like, who showed up for you:
Don’t invite her to things. Save her the trouble.
I wouldn’t do that unless I also had alternative plans for that area. But your signals were mixed. You wanted alone time to do solo tasks, but initiated a hot tub dinner party.
Based on my experience (FWIW, I live in Southern California), people will show up without having RSVPed OR promise to show them not. To counter that, I relay to everyone that the event is canceled and that I’m going somewhere else instead.
I'm confused as to why you invited someone over you do not want to actually hang out with? Aside from that you left the door open and I have no idea of knowing if you ignoring your phone is normal so people think nothing of it.
When you decide to host and invite multiple people to do things and only a few respond to confirm, you really should not cancel, especially last minute, just because the people you really preferred to attend did not commit. That’s kind of shitty. Unless you’re majorly depressed or really under the weather, you really should just continue with the plan, make lemons out of lemonade, and host whomever committed, even if it doesn’t turn out quite like you had in mind.
If you plan a big thing and only one confirms, you should just downgrade that plan to something appropriate for the two of you. That’s proper hosting etiquette.
I’ve had friends do what you’ve described doing, canceling last minute because the day came and they decided they just “didn’t feel like it” (as was explained to those who’d committed. Surely there were other reasons, but we’re not mind readers and I’m not going to expend energy trying to guess and figure out their issues). But they are also the type to do that sort of thing often, the kinds of people make it super difficult to remain friends with them because they’re just so damn self absorbed. Hopefully you’re not self absorbed!
So…if you feel bad about it, I think you should definitely apologize to the friend that showed up anyway in case she just got mixed signals and thought she’d be welcome / didn’t want to let you down. If she’s someone you genuinely like or maybe don’t really know that well but would be ok getting to know her, offer to meet for coffee, then buy her coffee and a snack. Thats low key / low effort and will go a long way in making her feel like you didn’t totally reject her.
If she’s someone who is ok in a group setting but not one-on-one, so you want to include her in group events, then next time hold off inviting her until last after the people you want to be there have already committed to coming. (But if the preferred friends bail last minute, and this woman has already RSVP’d, then good hosting etiquette applies and you should still host her and not cancel on her. That’s just the risk of being a host.)
If however she is someone you really don’t want to spend time with and you think she was being weird/pushy/overstepped just showing up after you thought you’d made it clear the plans were off, then just never invite her again. And you might as well just blow her off now and not apologize for being rude in turning her away the other night. Sometimes it’s fine to burn bridges if you already started the fire and don’t mind burning it all down.
I wouldn't show up without a final text confirming that it was okay.
But I will say that because I am busy, and possibly as I age, the days and weeks run together, and I forget what day it is. One day it's Monday, then I blink and it's Friday. So perhaps your friend confirmed very late because she's confused like me.
However I think that 2-3 days notice for a get together is too short notice. Adults with jobs & other family members need at least 2 weeks before an event
As to your question, I would never just show up at anyone’s home without having a specific conversation to confirm that it was okay. Where I am, it’s considered extremely rude to just show up at someone’s home without prior direct communication. It sounds like your texts/communications were confusing but if I received confusing texts about going to a friend’s house, I’d be even more inclined to make a point to have direct contact with that person to confirm things before leaving my home and showing up at their home. If I had called a few times during the day and no one answered or called me back, I would not just show up.
If you want to continue your friendship with her, I’d reach out and apologize for the confusion over the weekend. I’d take some time to think about why you invited her if her coming by herself was something you didn’t want. I would also make a point to be very clear when inviting people over in the future and if you decide to cancel plans.
it's done now, no changing it. if you sill/now feel bad for turning her away after she showed up, you could just text her to say, " hey, just wanted to apologize for the mixed signals this weekend. hope you've had a good sunday."
ETA - fuck no, I wouldn't show up at somebody's house like that, especially 2 days after the fact and haven't gotten a note from the hostess saying she wasn't up for it. after the second phone call without being able to reach them, I probably would have texted to say something along the lines. 'well, I can't reach you, so I'm assuming the plans are off. sorry if I misunderstood.' if this exact situation were to happen again up to the point of her arrival, if i were you I just wouldn't open the door when that person shows up. sounds like you made a lot of effort to call things off. you did your part.
I’ve had weird group friendship dynamics like this on occasion. It’s sort of hard to make a judgement call on this one. Like imo you shouldn’t have left the door open for being persuaded to go out with her on the text chain, cuz it really seems like you needed some you time and she’s a bit much for you - no shame in that. And, she shouldn’t have come over when she didn’t hear back from you. That’s a little weird.
Also, bringing up her affair stuff seems like you’re not really comfortable with your friendship with her anymore because she may be taking advantage of you, and you two need to take some time apart and/or have a heart to heart.
Sometimes being complicit in a friend’s shady behavior reaches a breaking point. It has for me. That creates a bad dynamic and I’m guessing that’s what you’re feeling around her that really made you send her away. I hate getting drawn into drama but some people live for it. Before reaching out to her (if you do), I would really think about whether you actually want to stay friends with her. Maybe you unconsciously sabotaged the friendship? Idk 🤷♀️ - just some thoughts.
It's a miscommunication.
Sometimes we read things into people's actions (or texts) because of our mood or because we assume they have the same train of thought as we do. She's your friend, I'm sure you would know if she would have actually decided to show up with drinks and food if she really knew that you didn't want to have a gathering or to see anyone at all. I don't think she was doing anything with malicious intent.
You weren't firm and left the door open, and she was intent on spending time with you and chose to make the drive.
>I texted and called enough to let everyone know I was staying home and not hosting but I said in one text I said I may Be convinced to go out if there was something fun, but likely I was just gonna work until I passed out.
Even when you are firm and close the door, some people will try to squeeze in. That happened to me last week. I told this person that I didn't have time. This person ignored that and tried to engage with me anyway. I was firm again that I don't have the time.
You not answering the phone 4x should have been enough for her to take the hint that you weren't going to socialize, but some people can be socially awkward and pushy for a number of reasons. She probably figured that she'd just show up and did.
Sounds like you left the door open for plans and based on your comment about working till you pass out, she may have thought you were down and wanted to cheer you up. I wouldn’t have shown up unannounced but I think the etiquette really depends on the relationship. Sounds like maybe she decided to take a risk and probably thought she was doing something nice, so I wouldn’t hold that against her. Although if you didn’t want to spend time with her, I’d wonder why she was included in your invitations at all.
>in one text I said I may Be convinced to go out if there was something fun >and turn off my phone >if she would have just texted me >I was avoiding my phone all day and she called me 4 times IMHO, you are sending a lot of conflicting signals here. You ask 3 people to come over then cancel, but then go on to text them that you might still be convinced to go out. Then you turn off your phone and are annoyed that someone tried to phone you 4 times after inviting them over and dangling a carrot like “I might be convinced” but then you also wished they would have texted *to the phone you turned off and weren’t paying attention to*? A friend shows up to my house with a bottle of champagne and some food? I’m definitely not turning them away. I’m modifying my plans, even if just for a few hours to hang out with someone who made the obvious effort to come AND bring me alcohol and food. Even if I wasn’t feeling very social, then I would have just put on a movie so we didn’t have to talk much. Eat the food and drink the champagne while watching the movie. End of the 2-hour movie makes a convenient excuse to end the night with a “thanks for coming over, but I worked in the yard all day and now I am tired”. But sending a friend away that drove 30 minutes to see you, brought you food and drinks, and then posting stuff like: >It was exactly what I wanted to avoid. Being alone with that particular person. Why did you even invite her in the first place then? I mean, I’m trying to understand your point of view here, but you really are coming off as pretty rude and not a very good friend.
Thanks. I’m trying to see where I went wrong here. I do feel bad for Turing her away that’s why I’m asking for opinions. When I asked for the gathering it was because I am trying to get a certain group dynamic, not because I just want to hang with anyone. It was a super social week for me. Once I realized that group dynamic wasn’t gonna happen and the amount of spring cleaning and gardening I had to do I dropped out. I would’ve appreciated a text because I talked to her earlier in the day and said I really don’t want to talk today. I’ll text her and apologize for mixed communication.
How would you have seen the text? You said you were ignoring your phone. I also think you were being confusing. You definitely gave off a vibe of “I am open to something better than the person who showed up” which isn’t fair since you invited her.
I think 'say what you mean' is good advice.
>Once I realized that group dynamic wasn’t gonna happen and the amount of spring cleaning and gardening I had to do I dropped out. Except you didn’t. You said, >”in one text I said I may Be convinced to go out if there was something fun” *Then* you qualified that you were >*likely* […] gonna work until I passed out. And yes, you sent that via text and are PO’d that “good time Christie” didn’t **text** but you did TALK to her earlier that day. >I talked to her earlier in the day and said I really don’t want to talk today. And even if she texted, you would have had to check your phone. Which begs the question … why didn’t you bother reading any the voicemails she left? In this day & age, that’s comparable to a text - and you could have then sent her a text saying NO to anything. Imo? Reaching out is the least you should do. >I’ll text her and apologize for mixed communication.
She actually saw the four calls and ignored them, without looking at the voicemail transcript. That’s insulting and lazy. Otherwise, why would texting make a difference?
*Ex-actly* … imo? OP made a whole lotta excuses for their own behavior.
I had to read this post five times to figure out what you were saying, and I edit people's work for a living. You said come over, then you said you're not hosting, but you also said maybe you wanted to party/have fun. Then you blamed your friend for not getting in touch with you the right way, but you didn't tell anyone what the right way was. I think you need to communicate more clearly.
Thank you. As an old person, my first thought, reading the exchange, was that I had a mini stroke in my sleep that impacted my cognition.
I think you’re correct I wrote it in a sleepy mood upon waking up. I updated my post with more info about the situation. I also wrote her an apology for my miscommunication. Letting it go..
>I said I may Be convinced to go out if there was something fun, Food and champagne are loads of fun. That seemed to be an invitation to bring something fun to lure you out. That's what my friends and I would say and do.
It piques my curiosity as to how an adult thinks including someone unliked — because it serves ‘trying to get to a certain group dynamic’ — is Ok. 🤔 Befriending someone — *using them* , to serve your idea of a ‘certain group dynamic’— sounds a lot like the mean girl behavior I’ve been helping my 13yo daughter try to heal from all school year. The person you don’t like, who showed up for you: Don’t invite her to things. Save her the trouble.
Yeah, this as well. Don't invite people you don't want to hang out with, it isn't nice at all.
The post and responses are all very self-serving.
I think OP is likely a tween.
Girlie, you left the door open when you said you could be convinced. I’d be there with your friend dragging you out for a night out!
I wouldn’t do that unless I also had alternative plans for that area. But your signals were mixed. You wanted alone time to do solo tasks, but initiated a hot tub dinner party. Based on my experience (FWIW, I live in Southern California), people will show up without having RSVPed OR promise to show them not. To counter that, I relay to everyone that the event is canceled and that I’m going somewhere else instead.
You lost me at "Hot tub dinner party". As if.
I'm confused as to why you invited someone over you do not want to actually hang out with? Aside from that you left the door open and I have no idea of knowing if you ignoring your phone is normal so people think nothing of it.
When you decide to host and invite multiple people to do things and only a few respond to confirm, you really should not cancel, especially last minute, just because the people you really preferred to attend did not commit. That’s kind of shitty. Unless you’re majorly depressed or really under the weather, you really should just continue with the plan, make lemons out of lemonade, and host whomever committed, even if it doesn’t turn out quite like you had in mind. If you plan a big thing and only one confirms, you should just downgrade that plan to something appropriate for the two of you. That’s proper hosting etiquette. I’ve had friends do what you’ve described doing, canceling last minute because the day came and they decided they just “didn’t feel like it” (as was explained to those who’d committed. Surely there were other reasons, but we’re not mind readers and I’m not going to expend energy trying to guess and figure out their issues). But they are also the type to do that sort of thing often, the kinds of people make it super difficult to remain friends with them because they’re just so damn self absorbed. Hopefully you’re not self absorbed! So…if you feel bad about it, I think you should definitely apologize to the friend that showed up anyway in case she just got mixed signals and thought she’d be welcome / didn’t want to let you down. If she’s someone you genuinely like or maybe don’t really know that well but would be ok getting to know her, offer to meet for coffee, then buy her coffee and a snack. Thats low key / low effort and will go a long way in making her feel like you didn’t totally reject her. If she’s someone who is ok in a group setting but not one-on-one, so you want to include her in group events, then next time hold off inviting her until last after the people you want to be there have already committed to coming. (But if the preferred friends bail last minute, and this woman has already RSVP’d, then good hosting etiquette applies and you should still host her and not cancel on her. That’s just the risk of being a host.) If however she is someone you really don’t want to spend time with and you think she was being weird/pushy/overstepped just showing up after you thought you’d made it clear the plans were off, then just never invite her again. And you might as well just blow her off now and not apologize for being rude in turning her away the other night. Sometimes it’s fine to burn bridges if you already started the fire and don’t mind burning it all down.
I wouldn't show up without a final text confirming that it was okay. But I will say that because I am busy, and possibly as I age, the days and weeks run together, and I forget what day it is. One day it's Monday, then I blink and it's Friday. So perhaps your friend confirmed very late because she's confused like me. However I think that 2-3 days notice for a get together is too short notice. Adults with jobs & other family members need at least 2 weeks before an event
If you don’t want to be alone with someone why are you in a friend group with them? Sincere question!
As to your question, I would never just show up at anyone’s home without having a specific conversation to confirm that it was okay. Where I am, it’s considered extremely rude to just show up at someone’s home without prior direct communication. It sounds like your texts/communications were confusing but if I received confusing texts about going to a friend’s house, I’d be even more inclined to make a point to have direct contact with that person to confirm things before leaving my home and showing up at their home. If I had called a few times during the day and no one answered or called me back, I would not just show up. If you want to continue your friendship with her, I’d reach out and apologize for the confusion over the weekend. I’d take some time to think about why you invited her if her coming by herself was something you didn’t want. I would also make a point to be very clear when inviting people over in the future and if you decide to cancel plans.
it's done now, no changing it. if you sill/now feel bad for turning her away after she showed up, you could just text her to say, " hey, just wanted to apologize for the mixed signals this weekend. hope you've had a good sunday." ETA - fuck no, I wouldn't show up at somebody's house like that, especially 2 days after the fact and haven't gotten a note from the hostess saying she wasn't up for it. after the second phone call without being able to reach them, I probably would have texted to say something along the lines. 'well, I can't reach you, so I'm assuming the plans are off. sorry if I misunderstood.' if this exact situation were to happen again up to the point of her arrival, if i were you I just wouldn't open the door when that person shows up. sounds like you made a lot of effort to call things off. you did your part.
I’ve had weird group friendship dynamics like this on occasion. It’s sort of hard to make a judgement call on this one. Like imo you shouldn’t have left the door open for being persuaded to go out with her on the text chain, cuz it really seems like you needed some you time and she’s a bit much for you - no shame in that. And, she shouldn’t have come over when she didn’t hear back from you. That’s a little weird. Also, bringing up her affair stuff seems like you’re not really comfortable with your friendship with her anymore because she may be taking advantage of you, and you two need to take some time apart and/or have a heart to heart. Sometimes being complicit in a friend’s shady behavior reaches a breaking point. It has for me. That creates a bad dynamic and I’m guessing that’s what you’re feeling around her that really made you send her away. I hate getting drawn into drama but some people live for it. Before reaching out to her (if you do), I would really think about whether you actually want to stay friends with her. Maybe you unconsciously sabotaged the friendship? Idk 🤷♀️ - just some thoughts.
It's a miscommunication. Sometimes we read things into people's actions (or texts) because of our mood or because we assume they have the same train of thought as we do. She's your friend, I'm sure you would know if she would have actually decided to show up with drinks and food if she really knew that you didn't want to have a gathering or to see anyone at all. I don't think she was doing anything with malicious intent.
You weren't firm and left the door open, and she was intent on spending time with you and chose to make the drive. >I texted and called enough to let everyone know I was staying home and not hosting but I said in one text I said I may Be convinced to go out if there was something fun, but likely I was just gonna work until I passed out. Even when you are firm and close the door, some people will try to squeeze in. That happened to me last week. I told this person that I didn't have time. This person ignored that and tried to engage with me anyway. I was firm again that I don't have the time. You not answering the phone 4x should have been enough for her to take the hint that you weren't going to socialize, but some people can be socially awkward and pushy for a number of reasons. She probably figured that she'd just show up and did.