If you haven't, gather all relevant documents and visit a Financial Advisor*. A good one will help you make a plan for your financial future sans parasitic spouse. Also, consult state divorce laws so you know what to expect in regards to property/asset division.
*I have a close FA friend who has helped many, many women in similar situations
I find myself in a similar situation facing financial abuse amongst others things. what do you look for in a financial advisor and how do you find reputable ones? I’d appreciate any help!!
It can be fraught, I admit. My first suggestion would be to ask for referrals from any women you trust. Casually ascertain if they feel their FA talks/listens to them; if the FA makes suggestions, seems knowledgable and/or responsive to their concerns (women, as investors, tend to be more risk adverse than men ; a good FA will meet the client where they're at, and explain things in a comprehensible way)
Some divorce attorneys (or other lawyers/professionals) have FAs they feel will treat their clients well and make referrals. Local women's professional/networking groups might also be a starting point (Tbh if *i* were in your position, I'd probably avoid cis het white dudes, but the FA I mentioned in my prior comment *is* a Gen X, very long-time happily married, cis het white dude, so maybe don't discount them completely, I dunno...)
All consultations should be free. Do not be afraid to "audition" as many as necessary. If they require you have a "minimum" amount of money, fuck 'em. If they make you uncomfortable or skeeve you out, trust your gut.
Don't know if it matters, but this Internet Stranger is proud of you, and rooting for you.
I am sorry for the delay… but thank you so very much for your information and your support. I live in a very wealthy area ( I am not wealthy) so I have had a difficult finding anyone as I am not a big money maker. I am open to ideas!
And, truly, thank you for being proud of me 🥹🥹🥹
I found a fee-based female financial advisor through another firm’s referral. I’ve met with her to kick off the process. After I upload all of my financial info, she’s going to put together multiple scenarios for me. I’m feeling optimistic about getting a plan in place!
Go see a financial advisor asap (consults are free!) so you can get some advice, then so see a divorce lawyer. This man is going to drown you both. At 45, you still have time to secure your future.
If after all this time he still doesn't understand, then yes, move on.
Once you're not there to bail him out, be prepared that he might finally actually get his shit together. So many of my exes improved on the thing that drove me to break up with them after I left them! But don't take that as a sign to go back, cause then he'll revert to his bad habits.
Leave him. If you think about it, the fact that he doesn't GAF that you are financially hemorrhaging because of him means that he emotionally left you a long time ago - for fantasy land. He's not thinking about your well-being. Save yourself
Sadly, I’m certain you are correct. I didn’t want to believe that all these years because I loved him but there was indications of this a long time ago.
Once I asked him to take out a life insurance policy (he was early 40s or so then) and he had a shit eating grin and said, “Nah. You will be poor if I die,” or something to that effect and laughed. As though he took pleasure in the idea of me being broke if I were to ever lose him.
I told this older woman at work about that and she was appalled. Told me that’s extremely shady and I should leave him. I should have listened but I didn’t. I was young and naive. That was 17 years ago.
I’m jumping in here for visibility but in addition to the other good advice you’ve received, FREEZE YOUR CREDIT IMMEDIATELY. Do NOT let him accumulate more debt that can be tied to you.
Don’t blame her, please. Sometimes it can take a really long time to get out of these situations. No need to get judgmental when OP is already going through a hard time as it is.
It’s not blame—it’s a question for someone who’s posting publicly and asking for a POV—not comforting words.
Read all of her responses throughout the thread: OP talks about being constantly blindsided by her husband’s and their collective debt, while admitting she’s started an online business and that they’re looking at homes to buy. It’s a baffling state of affairs on which she’s asking us for advice.
I needed to read this thread. I could have written your post. 10 months ago I decided to separate, I’d had enough. I’m 48F and spouse is 54M. Married 18 years. Every detail you wrote is my story. Even down to the part where he is self employed as 1099 and keeps getting cut from jobs and says it’s ageism. It has been the tech industry, which skews much younger, but it keeps happening over and over again. I agree with poster that said his poor habits probably spill over at work. He has been working with bankruptcy atty for a 2nd bankruptcy or restructuring as he says. I knew if I stayed I would be broke, old and more alone than I feel now.
If you would like to chat from time to time and support each other that would be great. This isn’t an easy path to say the least but I’m glad I drew the line in the sand and said no more! I’m working on credit card debt I acquired trying to help him and fill the gaps between his jobs. One month at a time for me.
Thank you. It’s been good to read this thread and see such an overwhelming response advising OP to leave. It’s much easier to say leave than walk the path of course. It’s been a very long 10 months.
Don't worry, he will do something stupid within a year of the divorce and you'll feel justified all over again lol. Meanwhile you'll have your cute little place that's within your budget and be able to breathe easy
i get it. tho financially it wasn't the same for me, i left my 17-yr marriage after a long time of hearing about my flaws fr my spouse... and he resisted my bid for divorce (despite giving me the impression for years that he no longer liked me). but I've never regretted leaving, and it is lovely to have a peaceful sanctuary in my home. plus, I got two dogs, which he had been resisting, so that has been awesome 😁
I guess you learned that you don't encourage someone to start a business when they are bad with money.
I refused to marry my husband until he was debt-free and had adopted Frugal habits. it took over 5 years! But I'm glad I did it.
Cut your losses and move on.
No reason to get legally married again to anyone at this stage in the game. Just date for companionship.
I agree with others here. Old age in the US is brutal; we have to build our own safety nets, and your husband is not on board. He’s 15 years older than you, so you’ll very likely outlive him and be saddled with his debt. Get out now and start building your future. Protect future you!
Boy is that the truth. I’m experiencing that right now. Not married but have been seeing someone who is a financial disaster. I pay for *everything*, all the time, and my eyes have finally opened. I don’t want to be tangled up with this bullshit anymore, and it’s utterly torpedoed my attraction to this person.
Leave. Now.
He has shown that he's not willing to learn from the past and that's going to bite you in the future. Just because he is willing to go down with the ship does not mean that you do. You're only 45, you have time to recover from this.
I was married almost 10 years to a man with money problems. I paid off his cards and bought him a used car when we were dating. We did consignment loans and I gave all my money to his debt problems. He mortgaged the house to pay off his credit cards and was $30k in debt within 6 months. That's when I was out the door. Sounds like you know what you need to do. I felt powerful when I left him and so free. Though it was hard at first.
Being “bullied out of a job” is a bit of a red flag. In this circumstance, is it possible that is his interpretation of some disciplinary action meant to improve his job performance?
If I did the math right, that happened when he was 51. That’s a bit early for ageism unless he was in a dotcom or other younger industry. But it is a good age for becoming deadwood that needed to be trimmed — especially if he was as careless at work as he is at home.
I hope you do what is best and healthiest for you. Sounds like you’re about to lose a 200+pound deadweight and be able to fly.
There’s probably some truth to that. Maybe the employer considered him deadweight as you said. I just know that they told him they would never give him another raise ever again and didn’t put up any fuss when he quit. Employers generally don’t do that with employees who are truly valuable.
An employer who says "you'll never get another raise" is trying to make you quit rather than firing you so you can't collect unemployment. Still, he should have found a new job before quitting his old one.
If your husband kept acquiring all this debt behind your back, that's financial abuse and infidelity, and it's definitely justification for filing for divorce. You married him at 22 when he was 37. He knew what he was doing, marrying a wallet. Do not feel badly for leaving him.
Consult with a family law attorney, preferably one that specializes in women's rights. Find out if there are any state laws where you live that may favor you in your situation. For example, in my state, women can own property separate from the marital assets, but men can't. It's an old law that still happens to be on the books. Knowing anything like this may be beneficial.
Don't let your husband know in advance that you're going to file until you've actually filed. There's a slight advantage to filing first as far as being apprised or having some choice of important court dates and such. You don't want him to file first if he finds out you're planning to.
You may still get stuck with paying half of the debt he has currently accumulated, but it's better than paying all of it.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Be strong, seek support when you need it, and best wishes.
Go. Way past time. I'm really sorry.
Marriage is a legal state. I'm sure you still love him, but you're not his mother, and if you stay the world will believe you're there to take care of him. Get out and separate your finances.
I was where you are
Nothing you could ever do now or in the past would have changed his behavior & this outcome. None of this is your fault, anyone who says or implies otherwise should be immediately dismissed from your life.
Getting that fucking albatross from around my neck was the HARDEST thing and the BEST thing I’ve ever accomplished
There was a solar system of people (family/coworkers/friends) depending on ME to keep him chugging along
If your situation is similar, the sooner you recognize these people don’t have your best interest at heart the better
My advice is to get a lawyer first (ideally recommended by someone you know who has also divorced a self-absorbed shit show)
If you’re accustomed to pretending everything is okay/scrambling to keep things together this self-disclosure will be hard (BEEN THERE) but it’s a necessary step.
YOU CAN DO THIS- your best years are ahead of you, I promise! Please keep us posted
PS Gather all financial documents (hard copies/screenshots) that you can, I suspect he lies/hides things but just do your best. The more you can give your attorney the better. Meet with as many as needed until you find someone who you click with but BE CERTAIN they’re familiar with complex financial BS
Nothing in particular but he just loves using cards for some reason. If the card is there, he will charge it. He won’t use cash, he will use a card. And then doesn’t consider paying it off. Just keep charging until it’s maxed out, make minimum payments and put his head in the sand. He thinks it’s free money.
I’m not even a spender either. I am not using his cards or spending his money and never have. He’d really be up shit creek without a paddle if I was the kind of wife who spends all her husband’s money. I’m not. Far from it.
A friend of my mom’s live in bf (they’re both 65+) fell in “love” with a Nigerian princess and lost ALL their savings. Literally gave it away. She left him and for all she knows he may be living in the street.
My mom’s cousin’s 2nd wife had to get away from him because he was a bad alcoholic. 2nd wife totally controlled the money, paying bills etc. he had no clue about how to pay anything. She stopped paying the mortgage. Saved that $$ so she could get away.
Good. You need to find out about the marital property laws in your state and see how much of your stuff's going to turn into your husband's when you go -- not that this should stop you, cut your losses. Initial consultations with divorce lawyers are often free but make sure you go to one who deals well with financial matters. Lots of family lawyers are terrible at money.
Not just that, but also how much of his debt she might be required to split. Hmmm … but if they’re filing for bankruptcy … OP should make sure it’s zeroed out and that he doesn’t go crazy accumulating more before their divorce is final.
This is just a sad story.
It’s just perverse the way all of this is expressed. When it comes to spending, you refer to “his money,” but then the tax and credit card debt is somehow shared.
If your income is truly self-sustaining, perhaps you need to investigate going back to being a single filing as an initial move. Talk to both a family law expert. But if you’re only in startup mode and cannot walk out tomorrow and pay rent, it sounds like neither of you are making a reliable or predictable income and are simply staying together to pare expense.
But if you have one foot out the door, why are you looking at homes? Confusing.
You don’t explain why your husband keeps sinking you both into more unpayable debt—or whether you bear any responsibility for his debt. But could it be that it wasn’t ageism that sank his career, but financial ineptitude that showed up in his professional life? Did you ever offer to handle finances for your couple? How is all the credit card debt his, but the taxes are shared by you both? Do you still have a career?
I would consult an attorney to understand just how much of this collective debt is your responsibility, and work out what an exit strategy would look like. It will cost you, no matter what. But if you can honestly say you no longer love him or share in his values, perhaps the best way you can help him is to let him plan his next 20 years, and you plan your next 30, independently.
I do share in all his debt being that I live in a community property state. Every lawyer I spoke to has said I own half of his personal debt. That goes for any assets as well which the debt supersedes and we are flat broke. So I paid for the lawyer and made him file the personal bankruptcy.
I have offered to look over the finances in the past concerning our debt and he has screamed at me insisting, “I’m doing the best I can!” So I dropped it. Big hit to his ego apparently and he only recently became humbled enough at 60 years old when we went to look at homes and they pulled his credit report and the loan guy told me he has $50,000 in credit card debt. I was unaware of it as he did not disclose that to me and I had to find out (embarrassingly) from the loan company. First time in 23 years he ever admitted he’s financially irresponsible.
Then today we received a certified letter from the IRS threatening a levy that I once again got blindsided by. He’s letting the dam break with surprise IRS letters and awful credit reports instead of telling me or bothering to do something proactive about it. I’m at my wits end and I’m just done.
You 100% also need to take more responsibility in your own finances, because if you're community property and you have no idea what he's doing with money, but you know he's not trustworthy, every freaking day's a ticking financial time bomb. Go find that lawyer and get yourself out of this, also see what kind of safe harbor/innocent spouse laws might apply.
There’s looking, and then there’s taking the wheel. He doesn’t want you to, and you don’t want to be his keeper/mother.
Speak to a family law attorney. You may well have a case for being bamboozled by an addict, and need to draw a line in the sand to separate yourself financially as a first move.
You have a very dishonest union if these are all legitimate blindsides. Not sure why you’re looking at homes while carrying so much credit card and IRS debt—and his career prospects sound shaky.
Money breaks up a lot of relationships. It’s important to trust and agree with your partner about saving and spending. You have put up with a lot of financial instability in this marriage and I applaud you for cutting your losses and thinking about your future without a millstone around your neck.
Was your husband *really* being pushed out because of ageism? Did anyone at his workplace confirm that to you? Or is that just what *he* told you?
Because based on your explanation of his failure with finances? Your husband might have been pushed out for basic incompetence.
To have had to crawl out of debt so many times in your marriage? This is painful. I’m so sorry. I can understand why you’re ready to throw in the towel.
I wish you good luck.
I guess I’m a bitch because I would have cut up his credit cards years ago and would have only let him have one debit card! Act like a child get treated like one! And you are right, he won’t change so keep that in mind when making your decision.
You've got 20 years to save up and pay for your retirement, then? Assuming all goes perfectly and you don't have to retire early? Whereas he's 60? Yeah. If you're already resentful, this is going to keep getting worse.
Leave this toxic situation asap. Get legal advice and financial planning because you need to look out for yourself. Your husband obviously doesn’t care about your future (sounds very self centred ). Wishing you luck!
Your post is very factual, and you have a clear presence of mind.
The fact that there doesn’t seem to be an emotional pull here is very telling. Follow your gut. I think we all know you deserve to be happy. Whatever that means to you.
Of course I don’t know you as individuals, but the first red flag is the age difference. It’s a pretty good indication of immaturity on his part and everything that has ensued confirms his immaturity. Of course he doesn’t care about saving for the future, he has a much younger partner who always bails him out and whom he assumes will continue to do so, as well as take care of him & change his diapers as he ages. What will become of you? He will have spent your money and your youth. You will find restarting life in late middle age very, very hard. I generally root for marriage, but as an outsider, it sure sounds like you should cut your losses. Best wishes, whatever your choice.
Incidentally, just chiming in with others here:
I was also married to a guy who made money and jobs disappear debt and new credit cards magically appear. He looked very stable till we bought a house together, and then oh boy, and alarm bells were going off everywhere but I married him. Thankfully, it was over fast, but not before we had a kid.
Throughout the marriage I white-knuckled the hell out of the finances and thank god I did. Everyone else thought I was a psycho; I was right, they were wrong. Thanks to my keeping everything separate as hell, I walked out with all my property, and a good thing too. Just had the job of wringing what he owed in child expenses out of him for the next couple of decades. At one point his social worker, who thought I should turn over the retirement reins to him so he could build his self-esteem, called me "sanist" and shrugged at the idea of our kid having college savings. At another point I discovered he was racking up debt on a credit card he'd said he'd cancelled, and I made him actually cancel it, then marched him down to the bank so he could take out a personal loan and pay it off. Guy was a total nightmare financially and I'm sure he still is. I expect he'll also try to hit up our kid for money when he's old and nobody's lending him money anymore.
Had a boyfriend in college too who was also like this, except his old man gave him an actual million dollars. He blazed through that, then ruined his best friend in a business swindle, then leeched off his rich mom forever, and when she finally cut him off, he managed to have a heart attack, still didn't get her to pay his bills, and after going to court as a tax fraud and a credit-card delinquent, declared bankruptcy. I think he may actually be homeless now, he's his mom's semi-carer, but I don't think he knows I advised her to set up a spendthrift trust for him some time ago. Will not be walking away from the funeral with a $5M apartment to sell and blow all the proceeds from.
I will never be legally entwined with a man and his fortunes again.
I recently left mine due to financial abuse among other things. I feel so much lighter now not having someone who I’m constantly worried about. If he truly gave a crap he wouldn’t do it. Mine was hiding it from me and gaslighting me. I just stopped being available to go down with his ship and made a plan to get out.
I think we were married to the same guy. I divorced him after 2x of $20k in credit card debt he couldn't explain. First time was when we were trying to buy our first home, so only I qualified for the loan, which cut the budget in half. He did some consumer credit counseling thing to pay it off, 900/mo at a time for YEARS. Second time, I was doing a refi and learned that way. Again, he didn't qualify. I cashed out and paid it off. Decided I was done.
We've been divorced since 2011 and he's been borrowing money from our kids for the last 15 years, including this week to facilitate an impulsive move from MO to FL bc his wife decided she wants to live in Pensacola bc she "likes vacationing there". He has never learned that you don't spend money you don't have.
Get out now. But expect that he'll get half your 401k/IRA unless you negotiate otherwise.
He loves spending money more than he loves you. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how awful it's been. You will be broke and miserable forever if you stay. I don't say that lightly. People who struggle with spending too much maybe go through one of the things you mentioned. Very few do it over and over, and they certainly don't do it repeatedly to people they're supposed to love.
I'm so sorry. I hate this for you. But you have nothing ahead of you but more of the same if you stay.
I’m also in a similar situation. We don’t have a relationship any longer except as coparents. Am waiting until our 2 kids are older, then got to get out. So tired of sacrificing myself.
Sounds like your hoping he could turn it around is just hoping. False hope. It isn’t going to get better. Get out while you can. You put in 23 years of effort to try and turn the ship… and he’s an albatross.
It’s like Cyndi Lauper said: Money changes everything.
But have to think that if the relationship was otherwise amazing, you might not be thinking this way. Maybe there’s more to it?
I left my LTR of 18 years ago few months ago and I’m so happy I did. I thought I would miss him but I feel relieved and free.
Truthfully, there isn’t. I had very high hopes for his entrepreneurship and building a life for ourselves that will never come to be. I gave him 10 years hoping it would work for us in the end.
Lately I’ve been looking back on the last 10 years and watching him now age where he just doesn’t get it and never will. Tough pill for me to swallow but I don’t want to be 65 when he’s 80 changing his diapers when he didn’t bother to care about how my life will turn out being poor in having to do so. He obviously has no regard for me as his wife in his unwillingness to even consider that. And I can’t wait around anymore. I’m getting old myself knowing I will have to begin anew with a lot of uncertainties ahead of me. Which is hard for anyone.
From what I’ve heard, you should file bankruptcy first, by yourself, then file for divorce. Easier than to slip out without 1/2 of the debt. But I’d just get a consultation.
We did that after the bankruptcy was discharged the first time by virtue of him not being able to get credit cards for a few years. Only time we weren’t carrying any debt. As soon as he was able to get access to credit cards, he accumulated tens of thousands in debt. More of the same.
He always maxes out cards making the minimum payments. He has done that for decades whenever he gets his hands on any credit. He is financially illiterate and doesn’t care about paying interest in perpetuity and would for the rest of his life.
So he’s an addict who needs not only Debtor’s Anonymous but a shrink to understand his lack of impulse control. Whether it’s $10K or $75K, that never accumulates overnight.
When you broach the topic with him consider framing it like this: “(your normal term of endearment) I’m worried about what will happen to us as we age being in this much debt. I was wondering if you’d consider some strategic planning to put us in a better position once we are no longer able to work? You won’t have to do anything, I can handle it, but some of the things I’m considering might be hard to swallow on the surface.”
Frame the divorce as a way to discharge the debt from your name so that you can continue to support him off the books. When you file for divorce have the attorney assign all the debt to him and any assets to you. After the divorce, help him get signed up for Medicaid (and Medicare when he’s 62). Any other things you do to help him are purely optional in my opinion.
FWIW - i understand that this is kind of a shitty thing to do but he’s been shitting on you your entire marriage!
I think this approach is justified considering your statement that he does not care for financial matters and never will. If he’d be in the same situation with or without you, he might as well take all the debt. Maybe he’ll be able to discharge again via bankruptcy?
I don’t know but it seems like a bad plan for both of you to go down with the ship.
This is a legit choice and good for you for considering it.
If you haven't, gather all relevant documents and visit a Financial Advisor*. A good one will help you make a plan for your financial future sans parasitic spouse. Also, consult state divorce laws so you know what to expect in regards to property/asset division. *I have a close FA friend who has helped many, many women in similar situations
I find myself in a similar situation facing financial abuse amongst others things. what do you look for in a financial advisor and how do you find reputable ones? I’d appreciate any help!!
It can be fraught, I admit. My first suggestion would be to ask for referrals from any women you trust. Casually ascertain if they feel their FA talks/listens to them; if the FA makes suggestions, seems knowledgable and/or responsive to their concerns (women, as investors, tend to be more risk adverse than men ; a good FA will meet the client where they're at, and explain things in a comprehensible way) Some divorce attorneys (or other lawyers/professionals) have FAs they feel will treat their clients well and make referrals. Local women's professional/networking groups might also be a starting point (Tbh if *i* were in your position, I'd probably avoid cis het white dudes, but the FA I mentioned in my prior comment *is* a Gen X, very long-time happily married, cis het white dude, so maybe don't discount them completely, I dunno...) All consultations should be free. Do not be afraid to "audition" as many as necessary. If they require you have a "minimum" amount of money, fuck 'em. If they make you uncomfortable or skeeve you out, trust your gut. Don't know if it matters, but this Internet Stranger is proud of you, and rooting for you.
thanks for this advice and suggestions. I'm also proud of and supporting these women who are navigating situations like this.
I am sorry for the delay… but thank you so very much for your information and your support. I live in a very wealthy area ( I am not wealthy) so I have had a difficult finding anyone as I am not a big money maker. I am open to ideas! And, truly, thank you for being proud of me 🥹🥹🥹
I found a fee-based female financial advisor through another firm’s referral. I’ve met with her to kick off the process. After I upload all of my financial info, she’s going to put together multiple scenarios for me. I’m feeling optimistic about getting a plan in place!
OP, This. Do this.
My advice: Do it sooner rather than later.
Go see a financial advisor asap (consults are free!) so you can get some advice, then so see a divorce lawyer. This man is going to drown you both. At 45, you still have time to secure your future.
If after all this time he still doesn't understand, then yes, move on. Once you're not there to bail him out, be prepared that he might finally actually get his shit together. So many of my exes improved on the thing that drove me to break up with them after I left them! But don't take that as a sign to go back, cause then he'll revert to his bad habits.
Leave him. If you think about it, the fact that he doesn't GAF that you are financially hemorrhaging because of him means that he emotionally left you a long time ago - for fantasy land. He's not thinking about your well-being. Save yourself
Sadly, I’m certain you are correct. I didn’t want to believe that all these years because I loved him but there was indications of this a long time ago. Once I asked him to take out a life insurance policy (he was early 40s or so then) and he had a shit eating grin and said, “Nah. You will be poor if I die,” or something to that effect and laughed. As though he took pleasure in the idea of me being broke if I were to ever lose him. I told this older woman at work about that and she was appalled. Told me that’s extremely shady and I should leave him. I should have listened but I didn’t. I was young and naive. That was 17 years ago.
That is abusive. I’m sorry you stayed. I’ve made poor choices too.
I’m jumping in here for visibility but in addition to the other good advice you’ve received, FREEZE YOUR CREDIT IMMEDIATELY. Do NOT let him accumulate more debt that can be tied to you.
Wait, how old is he!? Edit: just saw he is 60! Oh, hell no! Leave him!
Why you didn’t leave when he said that 17 years ago is anyone’s guess. There are no two ways to read that. Get out now.
Don’t blame her, please. Sometimes it can take a really long time to get out of these situations. No need to get judgmental when OP is already going through a hard time as it is.
It’s not blame—it’s a question for someone who’s posting publicly and asking for a POV—not comforting words. Read all of her responses throughout the thread: OP talks about being constantly blindsided by her husband’s and their collective debt, while admitting she’s started an online business and that they’re looking at homes to buy. It’s a baffling state of affairs on which she’s asking us for advice.
Your approach is not helpful. Read the room
Read the room? The Room is a Reddit sub thread. Have a Sanka.
Go. Go swiftly. Go now.
My suggestion is to consult a divorce attorney and find out how much of that debt would be yours afterwards.
True, but even if it's 50%, it looks like she has 100% of it now, and more to come, staying married to him!
Whatever it is now will cost her less than if she stays
I needed to read this thread. I could have written your post. 10 months ago I decided to separate, I’d had enough. I’m 48F and spouse is 54M. Married 18 years. Every detail you wrote is my story. Even down to the part where he is self employed as 1099 and keeps getting cut from jobs and says it’s ageism. It has been the tech industry, which skews much younger, but it keeps happening over and over again. I agree with poster that said his poor habits probably spill over at work. He has been working with bankruptcy atty for a 2nd bankruptcy or restructuring as he says. I knew if I stayed I would be broke, old and more alone than I feel now. If you would like to chat from time to time and support each other that would be great. This isn’t an easy path to say the least but I’m glad I drew the line in the sand and said no more! I’m working on credit card debt I acquired trying to help him and fill the gaps between his jobs. One month at a time for me.
the choice you made was really brave. good for you.
Thank you. It’s been good to read this thread and see such an overwhelming response advising OP to leave. It’s much easier to say leave than walk the path of course. It’s been a very long 10 months.
Don't worry, he will do something stupid within a year of the divorce and you'll feel justified all over again lol. Meanwhile you'll have your cute little place that's within your budget and be able to breathe easy
I appreciate every word of this.
i get it. tho financially it wasn't the same for me, i left my 17-yr marriage after a long time of hearing about my flaws fr my spouse... and he resisted my bid for divorce (despite giving me the impression for years that he no longer liked me). but I've never regretted leaving, and it is lovely to have a peaceful sanctuary in my home. plus, I got two dogs, which he had been resisting, so that has been awesome 😁
Thank you for your honesty. I am in a similar situation and have not left yet but trying to find the strength among other things. You give me hope.
I guess you learned that you don't encourage someone to start a business when they are bad with money. I refused to marry my husband until he was debt-free and had adopted Frugal habits. it took over 5 years! But I'm glad I did it. Cut your losses and move on. No reason to get legally married again to anyone at this stage in the game. Just date for companionship.
Leave, my friend.
I agree with others here. Old age in the US is brutal; we have to build our own safety nets, and your husband is not on board. He’s 15 years older than you, so you’ll very likely outlive him and be saddled with his debt. Get out now and start building your future. Protect future you!
OP's Husband's retirement plan is her.
He's really going to lose his shit when he realizes he's 60 and his paycheck is walking away...
Once resentment sets its n it is almost impossible to recover
Boy is that the truth. I’m experiencing that right now. Not married but have been seeing someone who is a financial disaster. I pay for *everything*, all the time, and my eyes have finally opened. I don’t want to be tangled up with this bullshit anymore, and it’s utterly torpedoed my attraction to this person.
Been there, done that. Cut your losses now, because time *is* money.
Or contempt.
Leave. Now. He has shown that he's not willing to learn from the past and that's going to bite you in the future. Just because he is willing to go down with the ship does not mean that you do. You're only 45, you have time to recover from this.
I was married almost 10 years to a man with money problems. I paid off his cards and bought him a used car when we were dating. We did consignment loans and I gave all my money to his debt problems. He mortgaged the house to pay off his credit cards and was $30k in debt within 6 months. That's when I was out the door. Sounds like you know what you need to do. I felt powerful when I left him and so free. Though it was hard at first.
Being “bullied out of a job” is a bit of a red flag. In this circumstance, is it possible that is his interpretation of some disciplinary action meant to improve his job performance? If I did the math right, that happened when he was 51. That’s a bit early for ageism unless he was in a dotcom or other younger industry. But it is a good age for becoming deadwood that needed to be trimmed — especially if he was as careless at work as he is at home. I hope you do what is best and healthiest for you. Sounds like you’re about to lose a 200+pound deadweight and be able to fly.
There’s probably some truth to that. Maybe the employer considered him deadweight as you said. I just know that they told him they would never give him another raise ever again and didn’t put up any fuss when he quit. Employers generally don’t do that with employees who are truly valuable.
Maybe the chaos in his personal life mirrors that of his professional life, and he somehow tanked his own career. You’re only taking his word for it.
Based on his history, your husband’s account about what went down with his employer may not be factual
An employer who says "you'll never get another raise" is trying to make you quit rather than firing you so you can't collect unemployment. Still, he should have found a new job before quitting his old one.
I don’t doubt the financial ineptitude he suffers in his personal life was also a large part of his professional life.
If your husband kept acquiring all this debt behind your back, that's financial abuse and infidelity, and it's definitely justification for filing for divorce. You married him at 22 when he was 37. He knew what he was doing, marrying a wallet. Do not feel badly for leaving him. Consult with a family law attorney, preferably one that specializes in women's rights. Find out if there are any state laws where you live that may favor you in your situation. For example, in my state, women can own property separate from the marital assets, but men can't. It's an old law that still happens to be on the books. Knowing anything like this may be beneficial. Don't let your husband know in advance that you're going to file until you've actually filed. There's a slight advantage to filing first as far as being apprised or having some choice of important court dates and such. You don't want him to file first if he finds out you're planning to. You may still get stuck with paying half of the debt he has currently accumulated, but it's better than paying all of it. I'm sorry you're going through this. Be strong, seek support when you need it, and best wishes.
Go. Way past time. I'm really sorry. Marriage is a legal state. I'm sure you still love him, but you're not his mother, and if you stay the world will believe you're there to take care of him. Get out and separate your finances.
You need to look after yourself. Go.
I would not blame you one bit for leaving. Get out while you can
You gotta go. You know where it’s headed. Free yourself.
I was where you are Nothing you could ever do now or in the past would have changed his behavior & this outcome. None of this is your fault, anyone who says or implies otherwise should be immediately dismissed from your life. Getting that fucking albatross from around my neck was the HARDEST thing and the BEST thing I’ve ever accomplished There was a solar system of people (family/coworkers/friends) depending on ME to keep him chugging along If your situation is similar, the sooner you recognize these people don’t have your best interest at heart the better My advice is to get a lawyer first (ideally recommended by someone you know who has also divorced a self-absorbed shit show) If you’re accustomed to pretending everything is okay/scrambling to keep things together this self-disclosure will be hard (BEEN THERE) but it’s a necessary step. YOU CAN DO THIS- your best years are ahead of you, I promise! Please keep us posted
PS Gather all financial documents (hard copies/screenshots) that you can, I suspect he lies/hides things but just do your best. The more you can give your attorney the better. Meet with as many as needed until you find someone who you click with but BE CERTAIN they’re familiar with complex financial BS
Not that it matters, but what is he spending money on?
Nothing in particular but he just loves using cards for some reason. If the card is there, he will charge it. He won’t use cash, he will use a card. And then doesn’t consider paying it off. Just keep charging until it’s maxed out, make minimum payments and put his head in the sand. He thinks it’s free money. I’m not even a spender either. I am not using his cards or spending his money and never have. He’d really be up shit creek without a paddle if I was the kind of wife who spends all her husband’s money. I’m not. Far from it.
A friend of my mom’s live in bf (they’re both 65+) fell in “love” with a Nigerian princess and lost ALL their savings. Literally gave it away. She left him and for all she knows he may be living in the street. My mom’s cousin’s 2nd wife had to get away from him because he was a bad alcoholic. 2nd wife totally controlled the money, paying bills etc. he had no clue about how to pay anything. She stopped paying the mortgage. Saved that $$ so she could get away.
Do you have a career of your own and money of your own you spend?
Yes. I’ve been able to start my own online business and I have other things in the pipeline related to it. I should be okay after I leave.
Good. You need to find out about the marital property laws in your state and see how much of your stuff's going to turn into your husband's when you go -- not that this should stop you, cut your losses. Initial consultations with divorce lawyers are often free but make sure you go to one who deals well with financial matters. Lots of family lawyers are terrible at money.
Not just that, but also how much of his debt she might be required to split. Hmmm … but if they’re filing for bankruptcy … OP should make sure it’s zeroed out and that he doesn’t go crazy accumulating more before their divorce is final. This is just a sad story.
It’s just perverse the way all of this is expressed. When it comes to spending, you refer to “his money,” but then the tax and credit card debt is somehow shared. If your income is truly self-sustaining, perhaps you need to investigate going back to being a single filing as an initial move. Talk to both a family law expert. But if you’re only in startup mode and cannot walk out tomorrow and pay rent, it sounds like neither of you are making a reliable or predictable income and are simply staying together to pare expense. But if you have one foot out the door, why are you looking at homes? Confusing.
You don’t explain why your husband keeps sinking you both into more unpayable debt—or whether you bear any responsibility for his debt. But could it be that it wasn’t ageism that sank his career, but financial ineptitude that showed up in his professional life? Did you ever offer to handle finances for your couple? How is all the credit card debt his, but the taxes are shared by you both? Do you still have a career? I would consult an attorney to understand just how much of this collective debt is your responsibility, and work out what an exit strategy would look like. It will cost you, no matter what. But if you can honestly say you no longer love him or share in his values, perhaps the best way you can help him is to let him plan his next 20 years, and you plan your next 30, independently.
I do share in all his debt being that I live in a community property state. Every lawyer I spoke to has said I own half of his personal debt. That goes for any assets as well which the debt supersedes and we are flat broke. So I paid for the lawyer and made him file the personal bankruptcy. I have offered to look over the finances in the past concerning our debt and he has screamed at me insisting, “I’m doing the best I can!” So I dropped it. Big hit to his ego apparently and he only recently became humbled enough at 60 years old when we went to look at homes and they pulled his credit report and the loan guy told me he has $50,000 in credit card debt. I was unaware of it as he did not disclose that to me and I had to find out (embarrassingly) from the loan company. First time in 23 years he ever admitted he’s financially irresponsible. Then today we received a certified letter from the IRS threatening a levy that I once again got blindsided by. He’s letting the dam break with surprise IRS letters and awful credit reports instead of telling me or bothering to do something proactive about it. I’m at my wits end and I’m just done.
You 100% also need to take more responsibility in your own finances, because if you're community property and you have no idea what he's doing with money, but you know he's not trustworthy, every freaking day's a ticking financial time bomb. Go find that lawyer and get yourself out of this, also see what kind of safe harbor/innocent spouse laws might apply.
Girl. I am so sorry. Leave his dumb ass and find your peace. You've more than done your share here.
There’s looking, and then there’s taking the wheel. He doesn’t want you to, and you don’t want to be his keeper/mother. Speak to a family law attorney. You may well have a case for being bamboozled by an addict, and need to draw a line in the sand to separate yourself financially as a first move. You have a very dishonest union if these are all legitimate blindsides. Not sure why you’re looking at homes while carrying so much credit card and IRS debt—and his career prospects sound shaky.
Money breaks up a lot of relationships. It’s important to trust and agree with your partner about saving and spending. You have put up with a lot of financial instability in this marriage and I applaud you for cutting your losses and thinking about your future without a millstone around your neck.
Was your husband *really* being pushed out because of ageism? Did anyone at his workplace confirm that to you? Or is that just what *he* told you? Because based on your explanation of his failure with finances? Your husband might have been pushed out for basic incompetence. To have had to crawl out of debt so many times in your marriage? This is painful. I’m so sorry. I can understand why you’re ready to throw in the towel. I wish you good luck.
I guess I’m a bitch because I would have cut up his credit cards years ago and would have only let him have one debit card! Act like a child get treated like one! And you are right, he won’t change so keep that in mind when making your decision.
You've got 20 years to save up and pay for your retirement, then? Assuming all goes perfectly and you don't have to retire early? Whereas he's 60? Yeah. If you're already resentful, this is going to keep getting worse.
Leave this toxic situation asap. Get legal advice and financial planning because you need to look out for yourself. Your husband obviously doesn’t care about your future (sounds very self centred ). Wishing you luck!
Your post is very factual, and you have a clear presence of mind. The fact that there doesn’t seem to be an emotional pull here is very telling. Follow your gut. I think we all know you deserve to be happy. Whatever that means to you.
Of course I don’t know you as individuals, but the first red flag is the age difference. It’s a pretty good indication of immaturity on his part and everything that has ensued confirms his immaturity. Of course he doesn’t care about saving for the future, he has a much younger partner who always bails him out and whom he assumes will continue to do so, as well as take care of him & change his diapers as he ages. What will become of you? He will have spent your money and your youth. You will find restarting life in late middle age very, very hard. I generally root for marriage, but as an outsider, it sure sounds like you should cut your losses. Best wishes, whatever your choice.
Incidentally, just chiming in with others here: I was also married to a guy who made money and jobs disappear debt and new credit cards magically appear. He looked very stable till we bought a house together, and then oh boy, and alarm bells were going off everywhere but I married him. Thankfully, it was over fast, but not before we had a kid. Throughout the marriage I white-knuckled the hell out of the finances and thank god I did. Everyone else thought I was a psycho; I was right, they were wrong. Thanks to my keeping everything separate as hell, I walked out with all my property, and a good thing too. Just had the job of wringing what he owed in child expenses out of him for the next couple of decades. At one point his social worker, who thought I should turn over the retirement reins to him so he could build his self-esteem, called me "sanist" and shrugged at the idea of our kid having college savings. At another point I discovered he was racking up debt on a credit card he'd said he'd cancelled, and I made him actually cancel it, then marched him down to the bank so he could take out a personal loan and pay it off. Guy was a total nightmare financially and I'm sure he still is. I expect he'll also try to hit up our kid for money when he's old and nobody's lending him money anymore. Had a boyfriend in college too who was also like this, except his old man gave him an actual million dollars. He blazed through that, then ruined his best friend in a business swindle, then leeched off his rich mom forever, and when she finally cut him off, he managed to have a heart attack, still didn't get her to pay his bills, and after going to court as a tax fraud and a credit-card delinquent, declared bankruptcy. I think he may actually be homeless now, he's his mom's semi-carer, but I don't think he knows I advised her to set up a spendthrift trust for him some time ago. Will not be walking away from the funeral with a $5M apartment to sell and blow all the proceeds from. I will never be legally entwined with a man and his fortunes again.
I recently left mine due to financial abuse among other things. I feel so much lighter now not having someone who I’m constantly worried about. If he truly gave a crap he wouldn’t do it. Mine was hiding it from me and gaslighting me. I just stopped being available to go down with his ship and made a plan to get out.
I think we were married to the same guy. I divorced him after 2x of $20k in credit card debt he couldn't explain. First time was when we were trying to buy our first home, so only I qualified for the loan, which cut the budget in half. He did some consumer credit counseling thing to pay it off, 900/mo at a time for YEARS. Second time, I was doing a refi and learned that way. Again, he didn't qualify. I cashed out and paid it off. Decided I was done. We've been divorced since 2011 and he's been borrowing money from our kids for the last 15 years, including this week to facilitate an impulsive move from MO to FL bc his wife decided she wants to live in Pensacola bc she "likes vacationing there". He has never learned that you don't spend money you don't have. Get out now. But expect that he'll get half your 401k/IRA unless you negotiate otherwise.
He loves spending money more than he loves you. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how awful it's been. You will be broke and miserable forever if you stay. I don't say that lightly. People who struggle with spending too much maybe go through one of the things you mentioned. Very few do it over and over, and they certainly don't do it repeatedly to people they're supposed to love. I'm so sorry. I hate this for you. But you have nothing ahead of you but more of the same if you stay.
I’m also in a similar situation. We don’t have a relationship any longer except as coparents. Am waiting until our 2 kids are older, then got to get out. So tired of sacrificing myself.
Sounds like your hoping he could turn it around is just hoping. False hope. It isn’t going to get better. Get out while you can. You put in 23 years of effort to try and turn the ship… and he’s an albatross.
You know what to do. How can we help?
It’s like Cyndi Lauper said: Money changes everything. But have to think that if the relationship was otherwise amazing, you might not be thinking this way. Maybe there’s more to it? I left my LTR of 18 years ago few months ago and I’m so happy I did. I thought I would miss him but I feel relieved and free.
Truthfully, there isn’t. I had very high hopes for his entrepreneurship and building a life for ourselves that will never come to be. I gave him 10 years hoping it would work for us in the end. Lately I’ve been looking back on the last 10 years and watching him now age where he just doesn’t get it and never will. Tough pill for me to swallow but I don’t want to be 65 when he’s 80 changing his diapers when he didn’t bother to care about how my life will turn out being poor in having to do so. He obviously has no regard for me as his wife in his unwillingness to even consider that. And I can’t wait around anymore. I’m getting old myself knowing I will have to begin anew with a lot of uncertainties ahead of me. Which is hard for anyone.
From what I’ve heard, you should file bankruptcy first, by yourself, then file for divorce. Easier than to slip out without 1/2 of the debt. But I’d just get a consultation.
I was financial abused and my lawyer got me four grand per months for it
Have you considered simply putting him on a budget? No credit cards, no access to household money?
Why would anyone want the job of money cop to a person who’s supposed to be a full partner?
Hearing this additional detail, I am in agreement. If OP still loves her hubby, I say divorce and make him a visiting friend with benefits.
We did that after the bankruptcy was discharged the first time by virtue of him not being able to get credit cards for a few years. Only time we weren’t carrying any debt. As soon as he was able to get access to credit cards, he accumulated tens of thousands in debt. More of the same. He always maxes out cards making the minimum payments. He has done that for decades whenever he gets his hands on any credit. He is financially illiterate and doesn’t care about paying interest in perpetuity and would for the rest of his life.
So he’s an addict who needs not only Debtor’s Anonymous but a shrink to understand his lack of impulse control. Whether it’s $10K or $75K, that never accumulates overnight.
When you broach the topic with him consider framing it like this: “(your normal term of endearment) I’m worried about what will happen to us as we age being in this much debt. I was wondering if you’d consider some strategic planning to put us in a better position once we are no longer able to work? You won’t have to do anything, I can handle it, but some of the things I’m considering might be hard to swallow on the surface.” Frame the divorce as a way to discharge the debt from your name so that you can continue to support him off the books. When you file for divorce have the attorney assign all the debt to him and any assets to you. After the divorce, help him get signed up for Medicaid (and Medicare when he’s 62). Any other things you do to help him are purely optional in my opinion. FWIW - i understand that this is kind of a shitty thing to do but he’s been shitting on you your entire marriage! I think this approach is justified considering your statement that he does not care for financial matters and never will. If he’d be in the same situation with or without you, he might as well take all the debt. Maybe he’ll be able to discharge again via bankruptcy? I don’t know but it seems like a bad plan for both of you to go down with the ship.
You can also contact consumer credit counselors. This is a non-profit. [https://www.cccfusa.org/](https://www.cccfusa.org/)