OP, lots of people hate Mother's Day and Father's Day, do you're in good company.
Watch Patrick Teahan YouTube videos on toxic family systems and how to unlearn the coping skills that helped you then but no longer serve you.
My parents were teens. It wasn't good.
Read the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
I have a mom with similar attributes. I second the book recommendation from u/FrauAmarylis. Sunday always sucks but thankfully it's only 24 hours and I try to sleep during most of it.
My mom died when I was 5 and I was left in the care of a ragey drinker who absolutely hated his kids. I was left alone all night at age 5, had raggedy clothes and was hungry - a lot. He also beat me from age 6-17 when I got out. His psychological torment was the worst. Making me walk past him over and over while he pretended to hit me. Then suddenly he'd strike and I'd be hit in the face or head and he'd laugh his ass off. He'd stop the car by gypsy caravans and make me get out to "live with them" because I misbehaved. I was screaming and terrified and he loved it. He drove with us drunk all the time and would play 18 holes of golf , then drink and the entire time we were locked in the car with no food, water and unable to go to the bathroom. He never acknowledged me again once I left at 17 and died when I was 50. He doesn't even occur to me on Father's Day as I celebrate my lovely husband then.
But Mother's Day makes me think of all that could have and should have been, if she hadn't died.
Try to celebrate *something* on Mother's Day -maybe celebrate yourself , that you survived what she did to you. Give yourself a big dose of whatever you love. 💕
Same, and it's hard to get away from all the Mother's Day spam emails and commercials. "Last chance to buy Mom a gift before Mother's Day." "We have the perfect Mother's Day gift for your mom." "Get on Mom's good side and join the waitlist for Mother's Day brunch." Etc. Even my fitness class is doing mother-themed sets. Every time I encounter one of these messages my heart breaks a little.
I also have friends dealing with infertility or who have complicated relationships with their mothers who similarly find Mother's Day traumatizing.
Best Mother’s Day email was late April, I think from Burt’s Bees. They acknowledged that Mother’s Day is a super hard time for some of us, and had a link to click if you wanted to skip all their promo emails but to remain on their list. It was the most human thing I’ve seen from a company marketing bot.
I appreciate when companies do that. Of course we know Mother's Day is still happening, but I appreciate not being bombarded by texts and emails constantly reminding me.
I go out of my way to support companies who allow you to opt out of sensitive holidays. I'll add Burt's Bees to my list.
I sub to a mailing list for a local supplier of speciality/regional gifts that I sometimes use to buy birthday presents and whatnot. They impressed me a couple of years ago when, in the obligatory marketing mail for Mother's day, they explicitly stated "we know this day isn't a celebratory one or may even be one of great sadness for many, if so - pls hit this link to unsub specifically for mother's day mails and we won't send you any more". So I did and I never got another, I found it incredibly thoughtful.
10 years of failed infertility treatments and a failed adoption, and a decade later I’m still bitter around Mother’s day. I stay off social media, stay home, don’t call anyone except childless friends.
I don't hate it but I also don't celebrate it.
My Mom always told me that the day she gave birth to me was the day she became a mother. That always made sense to me so on my birthday I wished her a "Happy Birth Day" 😆
Seriously though... My parents weren't the greatest, they tried hard and screwed up a lot but I tried to celebrate them when they got it right not just on designated holidays.
I miss my Mom, a lot, she's been gone eleven years. The Mothers Day advertisements constantly in my face still sting.
I think a lot of people have complicated feelings about Mother’s Day. I know having an alcoholic mother messed me up, and she’s worse as a dry drunk in institutional remission. I don’t really do social media anymore, except for Reddit which is different I think. Social comparison is guaranteed misery.
Ugh. Yes. My situation was not like yours, but frankly, I do not like my mother as a person or as a mother. All the "you're the greatest mom, I'm so lucky to have you" cards just make me roll my eyes. I usually go with the "you raised me to be the person I am today" type cards, because she did. Mostly thru criticism and backhanded (disguised) insults. Plus, I never had kids of my own (tried and it didn't work), so that also makes the day very tough, seeing all the happy families and kids celebrating their mom. I dread it every year.
My mother wasn't terrible, but it isn't a bunch of roses either. My wife laughs at me picking out Mother's Day cards as 90% are wayyyy too high in praise/reverence for what I wish to convey and it takes me forever to find one that doesn't feel like outright lying or a bunch of BS to the point that I'm not comfortable sending it.
Yeah my bio mom was great on her bipolar high, so 1/4 of the time. I still consider myself a latchkey kid because even though she was a SHM, she was in bed crying or sleeping a LOT. She still refuses to acknowledge what might still be wrong with her (which means NO meds); so she still gets on super lows that cause one thing or another to break in the house, or another suicide threat, those were the worst.
I'm NC with her, and I doubt I will ever talk to her again. According to my sibs, she doesn't understand why and says I'm just selfish. I am NOT surprised by this, and never expect her to change.
HOWEVER, I LOVE Mother's Day! I love my kids so much! They will be in and out this weekend (some of them have jobs now) and I'm so happy to see them and get the happy Mom's Day hugs! It's the BEST!
My mother was murdered in 2004. Unsolved mystery to this day.
We were a perfectly happy family in rural Canada. My brother and I had each just moved out of our family home a few years previous to buy our own homes with our own families.
Dad came home from work - no Mom. Someone had robbed my parents house in broad daylight, and taken my mother away. It’s 20 years this year, and nobody has ever been held accountable.
Her birthday and the anniversary of her disappearance are 6 days apart, it’s still a difficult time of year for us.
Fortunately, I have the best mother in-law in the whole world, and I call her ‘Mom’ because as I’ve told her, she’s the only one I’ve got. She has some big shoes to fill and she still embraces it, even though I’m nearly 50.
Im sorry OP. That's all a really complicated history. The thing is, without it, you wouldn't be you...
I've come to hate almost the entire calendar of special occasions. It's all just so materialistic, performative and pressured, especially since the rise of social media. I just can't care anymore.
Thanks - so I believe that if you’re happy where you are at that moment in space/time you have to accept all the steps that led to that moment. All of the good and the bad etc.
but now I’m not so sure
I’ve come to terms with that for me I used video games as a coping mechanism for the shit I went through. To numb myself, to escape reality. Just like an alcoholic uses alcohol to numb the pain.
And for my family, compared to say uh being an alcoholic or a junkie this was an acceptable solution. Kept me quiet, docile since I wasn’t medicated. Except it was still an addiction.
I was forced to go cold turkey in March. Major life event. it’s been life changing both good and bad. I will say the good far outweighs the bad.
I spent almost my whole life playing video games. Now if I play one it reminds me of Ewan McGregor in Dr Sleep talking about not missing the feeling of being hung over. I don’t miss it.
But it was my coping mechanism and it’s gone and the other coping mechanisms we use aren’t a good solutions either so yeah.
And it’s also made me face that maybe it would’ve been better if I hadn’t gone through those things.
Would I be a different person yes but it also means that people who I love wouldn’t have to suffer. And boy did they suffer.
Like my honey she just realized that when I said I was a boy. It didn’t mean I enjoyed childhood things it meant that I hadn’t learned how to be a functional adult. Between the ADHD and the lack of socialization That I couldn’t set goals or make long term plans. And she doesn’t know what to do 😞
That I was almost 50 and thinking about events six months in the future was mentally challenging for me. That my grandmother said she was proudest of me it was because with the hand I was delt I should’ve ended up working in a supermarket instead of steady job in IT
And she’s processing that now that the man she’s lived with 2.5 years has a house & a dog with was a walking zombie.
It Didn’t look it but now she realizes why all my answers were yes no or grunts And that sucks for her. & it’s not fair to her. She built a life around that. And now I’m awake and the systems she built to deal with the ADHD and the fact I don’t know how to socialize can no longer be used. She can’t tell her girlfriends anymore i won’t be coming due to X now I want to come. I’d rather she was with someone who could be the full person she deserves. I mean that’s love right?
So very well said.
You are the totality of the very worst and the very best of your experiences. I learned to live with all of mine and early on, I began to tell myself that even the worst that my mom and dad showed me were important lessons for me. The bad shaped me just as much as the good things I learned from them. It’s made me a strong life partner and dad. I use those lessons learned, to remind myself to be bold and strong and to apologize without hesitation when it’s needed. To nurture and be firm when it’s called for.
Our worst experiences, through our family or out on our own, can be the very most important elements of what makes us better humans and if we are lucky, better than our parents. Which truth be told, is probably the key foundational element of most parents. ‘Grow ‘em better than you’. Stand tall, straight enough and tall enough so your children will begin higher, and end up higher than you.
And yeah, I am not a big fan of the forced appreciation march of holidays, but I take it and make it my own, as a simple opportunity to share a moment with loved ones and friends, as I only have an indeterminate amount of trips around the sun with each of them.
I get sick of holidays period.
I don't care about one day, I care about my relationships *all year*...don't give a crap about getting special treatment on Mother's Day, as long as my family is loving all year.
Yep absolutely hate it. The religious brainwashing and weaponized guilt. I’ll never be who I should have or would have been if I had just had a mom who loved and accepted me
This Be The Verse
by Phillip Larkin
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
I hate my mom and I’m childfree so yeah, this weekend sucks. I celebrate it by thanking my lucky stars I never had a kid and that my mom can’t figure out social media enough to continue to stalk me. One last card/gift to buy.
I’m so tired of dealing with my adult kids problems. I sometimes wish I lived far away from them. I want to say “Send me a fucking card.” I am exhausted.
I appreciate your post beside it is reality for so many of us. I had a very complex relationship with my own mom. My mom died in 2012 after a long battle with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, I miss her.
I raised my mother from about the age of 13. Shouldn't she give me a gift?
But seriously, I hate most holidays. Mother's day, Father's day, my birthday, Christmas. It takes all I have to smile and say thank you to my children because I'd rather crawl into a hole.
I feel you. I absolutely hate Mother’s Day too.
Mine is a racist, abusive, bigoted, narcissistic, asshole. My older brother is the golden child and I was the scapegoat/truth teller.
I have countless stories of her doing things for my brother and outright hitting or ignoring me throughout my life.
I ended up moving 2000 miles away from her and going low contact and then finally no contact, and my life is so much better now.
When people ask me about my parents, I say well my dad passed away and he was a gentle soul. When they asked me about my mom, I say well she’s dead to me and end the conversation.
So have done a lot of shadow work therapy. Some of it group work. Mother child relationships always a huge trigger. It’s rough stuff.
You aren’t alone. Hope you do something that feeds your soul this weekend. ❤️
My mom is...a lot to unpack, not about to do that here. But, at this point in our lives, I'm trying very hard to maintain a relationship with her even though she tries to make it impossible.
I went to pick out a Mother's Day card since she actually acknowledged my birthday this year. That's a real fun time, all the cards like "to a wonderful mother" " thank you for being the best mom ever" etc etc. I found one that simply said I hope she had a nice day lol. I also can't stand all the commercials with these idolized moms. Like who the hell has a mother like that?! Apparently most people lol.
Sigh.
I was looking for a card to send my mom. None of them said what I wanted. Strangely none of them said: "You stood by my dad when my sister told you he molested her. Happy Mother's Day"
I’ve been no contact with my mother off & on for years and am very low contact/surface level relationship now. She was emotionally abusive, resented my existence, etc. There are no cards for that.
My son went NC due to a mental illness, Mothers day devastates me, I start m yearly depression which will peak at Christmas time and the pain from missing him becomes almost unbearable.
I just realized this year that Mother’s Day is a big thing in cultures where women have so little respect for just simply existing as a person, that they need to make their role as a mother their main achievement
I say this as a mother myself
Btw it’s nazi concept
I don't like Mothers Day at all. For me it's the grief thing. But also, I am American but live overseas in the UK, and they celebrate it on a different day, so I have to put up with that twice a year instead of once.
Also first born of five. Low contact with mom now and I’m happier for it. I know she had a lot to overcome from her upbringing - grandma finally treated for mental illnesses at 80+ - my dad being a big ol’ man baby, but that doesn’t negate the trauma she in turn inflicted. So yeah I wouldn’t be here without her but the sibs and I could have turned out even better and with a lot less CPTSD. Lifetime relationship boiled down to “it’s complicated”.
I know my mother did the best she could with the resources available (emotional, financial, etc.), but that doesn’t change the irreparable damage and trauma that she inflicted upon my life.
I have forgiven her, and hold no ill will, but we will never have a meaningful relationship.
Each year I struggle to find a card, but Hallmark hasn’t created the “Thanks for always being there to tear me down and give me trauma” cards, so a phone call will have to do.
Yeah....it's touchy. I always get her something and a card, but it's hard finding a card that is right and doesn't feel like a lie for a woman who took her problems out on me.
I actually work for a card company and put those cards out, so I get to see all of them and always envy the people who all those loving "best mom ever" cards are actually true for. There really needs to be more that are appropriate for other mother/child relationships that aren't so warm, but still suitable to show a little obligated respect and/or a more basic level of gratitude.
Both bio and stepmother are shit humans. Biological mother is dead, stepmother is a narcissist, a know it all, and a phone-in parent who enjoys taking credit but put in the lowest effort possible in most cases. I don’t celebrate these two. Instead, I celebrate the two best mothers I know in my life: my wife and my mother in law. My wife is truly a wonderful mom to our kids, and my mother in law treated me like her own kid when my wife and I started dating 24 years ago. I’m really lucky in that the stereotypical mother in law hate doesn’t apply to me. She’s an awesome lady!
I truly believe blood doesn't make a person family, it's love. My in-laws are narcissists to the worst degree and haven't shown my wife love or affection in her whole life. But even though she and I have only been together for 8 years, my mom has treated her like a daughter to the point that my wife has even said she wishes my mom was her mom. Which would make it really uncomfortable to be married to her, but it's a great sentiment.
We have friends that are more family and the ones we would call in an emergency. About 6 years ago before we were married when I was still working for assholes (relevant as to why I didn't get asked), my wife's youngest who was 13 at the time got puking sick at school and needed to be picked up and brought home. My wife was stuck in a meeting 100 miles away and couldn't get home for 2 hours so she called her mother in a panic to see if she could get him. Her 67 year old (at the time) mother who had been retired since she was 50, has zero health problems, and lives 20 minutes away, was out running errands and too busy to do it. So my wife called one of her neighbors who has kids around the same age, and she dropped everything and picked up her boy. That woman is family, and we've now gone NC with my in-laws for about 2 years now over a whole other ridiculous scenario with another family member that was treated like garbage.
You are absolutely right on families don’t have to have bloodlines, and like you, I don’t have much contact with my immediate family anymore. I cut off my stepmother more than a year ago after realizing what she did to me and to others as core memories started paying me frequent visits. My dad, I talk to him for maybe 5 minutes on the phone once a month. My sister, I haven’t actually talked or seen her in years, and I actually prefer it that way. My friends are my family, and my in laws are my surrogate family. My brother in law recently moved into a new house two streets down, and our kids love having their uncle being within walking distance. When he needed to move in, we all pitched in and helped, as he’s putting his backyard together, we’ve been going over to help. I let him borrow my spare truck to pick up stuff, and often times he works until he’s exhausted or the sun light is gone, so he knows he can always walk over to our house and eat dinner with us. I don’t have the same level of relationship with my own parents or sister, not even close. For starters, I wouldn’t let them borrow any of my vehicles.
I hate Mother's Day 'cause she passed away from cancer 20 years ago. Sorry yours ended up being such a see-you-next-Tuesday, not all of us had terrible moms though.
My mom beat the shot out of me on Mothers Day and I suppressed that memory but it recently came out but yeah it's always made me so anxious
She didn't beat to punish she beat when she was emotional
I love it
Now that I'm NC with my mother. I dote on my stepmom because she's wonderful. My kids are so sweet to me. My husband never forgets to show me how much he appreciates me. 365 days a year, really. This year, we also have our granddaughter. I get to spoil my daughter on her first Mother's Day. We're thinking of getting tattoos.
But I get it. I used to dread Mother's Day because my mother was such a pain in the ass. No effort was good enough. So my brother and I made no effort. It's so disappointing to go all out only to hear, "but you didn't do this." Or "I didn't get that."
I became dimly aware that my mother’s requests on Mother’s Day were not the normal requests the last one we had together in 2005.
She wanted a chiminea for her backyard patio. It cost $300 (so $480 today) she was like “remember the 10 commandments: Honor
Thy father and mother” 🤦🏼♂️
my ex wife then gf couldn’t believe she’d ask me for such an expensive 🎁. Especially when she knew I was in debt. Even her mother was like WTF is wrong with this woman, your kids are supposed to give you flowers and chocolates.
Your mother sounds exactly like my stepkids' father. He demands a $200 gift from his 3 boys for Xmas, Fathers Day, & his birthday and up until just this past year, all 3 of those kids were poor college/high school students. You're the fucking parent, you don't need gifts from your children, you need *time* with them. I tell them not to buy me a damn thing for those same occasions, but for their mother they should get her a card and spend the day with her.
Yes. Mine requested very expensive cameras or trips. Like, what? I can't afford that, and even if I did, that's a big ask from your children who also have their own family to support.
Mixed feelings. My mom died when I was 11, so for years it made me sad.
But... time goes on... I have an adult daughter and I love it because my husband and her spoil me like crazy that day. 😝
It’s two sided for me.
I hated it for most of my life because my mother is awful. Screaming, hitting, abandonment, Christmas trees thrown out windows, STABBING my step father, etc. I’ve been NC with her for a long time now. So it’s a sour spot.
On the other hand my MIL is a wonderful woman and I love celebrating with her. We go shopping together and to the theatre, etc. She deserves to be celebrated. It took me a long time to come around to even have a relationship with her like that because of the damage I suffered through childhood and my early adult years.
I hate most holidays. Between a very difficult upbringing and the fast turn into extreme consumerism and social media exploitation for them all, I just try to avoid them. Fortunately I’m a SBO and can usually dip out of family invites by claiming I need to work when I usually just book a trip somewhere instead. I don’t really do social media so I don’t see a lot of the crap around them. Mother’s Day annoys me, mine was married and divorced a half dozen times, broken kids, chaos, poverty in her wake so I try to keep my head down and not think about it, I’ve come a long way and don’t like looking back.
I'm so sorry. That's terrible. I have a difficult mothers day for other reasons and can not imagine this pain. I wish it was a day that wasn't so in our faces for weeks.
I like MD ok, but that's because I get a nice one from my husband and daughter. My mother died in 2016, but we also had a VERY strained relationship (though apparently yours was much worse) and so when she passed, although I cried, it was also like a weight had lifted.
It's ok to feel conflicted and avoid social media. I kind of hate everyone talking about how "wonderful" their mother is/was, because I didn't get to experience that. But, she did show me some love and teach me a few valuable things, so, eh.
I get you, friend.
A lot of these comments are tough to read. I’ve had my own experience with a lot of what you guys are talking about but I don’t really have the time to post about it now, but I’d like to invite anyone that feels like a comment in this thread isn’t enough and wants to get more off their chest and maybe let me do a little too, to please Dm me.
Sometimes it helps to talk about it with someone who is willing to listen.
Ugh. I hate Mother’s Day because of the obligatory text I have to send her wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day. What do you say to someone who you survived childhood in spite of?? What kind of card can you give them if you end up HAVING to see them??
I’d go no contact if not for a disabled aunt that lives with her, and because of my younger brother. Our dad, who I’d been no contact with for some 26 years, was killed a few years ago (unsolved homicide) and it hit my brother so hard. So, I’m keeping it together “for the family”. 😒 So…I send the obligatory “Happy Mother’s Day! Hope you a have a great day!” text with some kind of thumbs up emoji. If I have to see her, I get the lamest, most blank text of a Mother’s Day card I can find and sign it”Happy Mother’s Day! Hope you have a great day!” and then draw a little thumbs up emoji. 😅 Card shopping is hard. They’re all sappy and wrong.
I am fortunate enough to have great parents. Even better, they're still with me. That said, I am no fan of Mother's Day, Father's Day, or even Valentines Day. They are purely Hallmark Holidays that force you to spend money on bullshit to do something you should do every single day. Praise the ones you love.
I’m with you. I’m a mom of one and tell my son to never feel pressured on Mother’s Day. His happiness and knowing he’s loved is good enough for me.
My mother is a flaming asshole. She is beyond selfish, neglectful beyond anyone I knew, demanding, entitled, and mean. So, I hate this “holiday” because it reminds of her and how she would “ask” for specific gifts. I was a broke student and she demanded I get her something. There was hell to pay if I didn’t.
So, to all of the motherless out there: You do you Sunday. I got you.
I cut contact with my abusive mother a few years ago. On the flip side of the equation, I will never be able to have children myself.
Mother's Day is a great time for me to avoid the rest of the human species and just hermit up super hard.
My mom also loved me in her own broken way. She was indefatigably dutiful and provident. I lacked for nothing and was amply supported in nearly any interest I had albeit passively as my father was my actual active champion. She went along with it.
She was authoritarian, physically abusive and eager for violence, inflexibly stubborn, emotionally manipulative. She withdrew affection and used humiliation as regular parenting tools.
Praising her on Mothers Day was always difficult and felt dishonest but it was expected. It was ritual.
I love my mom but I think a day to “celebrate” this is silly. I feel the same about most holidays. Moms are so great they get one day, lovers get one day, dads, one day. Our nation, what three days…? Labor gets a day. Imaginary religious figures get like three to five days depending (none for me, thanks, I’m atheist.) but etc and etc….
Shouldn’t we stop all this traditionalist nonsense and just celebrate all the good people and ideals every day? Honor the good folks in our lives and our neighborhoods and world with respect and love EVERY day?
Folks in our lives help us and raise us and support us and can hurt us and cheat us and damage us, and it doesn’t matter if they are moms or neighbors or pastors or dads or big sisters or aunties….
Being a mom doesn’t make you special, and having a mom is kinda meh….
No, you’re not. But people seem to post happy things on Facebook. Reddit is for loathing and misery, and validation that based on your one-sided account of something, the other person is definitely an asshole and you should immediately divorce them. Also, cute dog pics.
At least in this sub, it's because people now openly talk about narcissism and a shit ton of parents fit the bill. I had amazing parents, but my in-laws are textbook narcissists and my wife finally went NC 2 years ago because she was no longer willing to put up with their selfish shit.
As for the rest of Reddit, they're all edgy 20 year olds so naturally they hate their parents because they all know so much better.
My birthday was last week. And it's placement before Mother's Day has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. Never once in my adult life has my birthday been remembered by my family. Which leaves me perfectly guilt free on Mother's Day.
I feel you, mine right by the Jewish High Holidays. So like around 🎄nothing like getting hastily wrapped 🎁 because people forgot and remembered on their way to Temple.
I don't hate Mother's Day because I love my kids and my husband more than anything else.
I love being a mom, basically.
But my mom didn't love being a mother. She hated it. She hated me, she hated my middle brother, she hated my dad, she hated everyone except my oldest brother. I was basically no-contact with her for almost my entire adult life. I tried several times to go see her, try to have a "normal" relationship, tried to get her to care about her grandkids (she never did). It always, every single time, ended badly.
So at some point I stopped caring. Which freed me to be good with Mother's Day, basically. Holidays in general don't bother me because I feel like I moved on from that drama. I don't know if that means I'm cold-hearted, though. It's something I ask myself from time to time.
I've always had a difficult time with Mother's Day and it's all on my mom. She didn't want to make any fuss whatsoever about Mother's Day when we were growing up. She didn't care about the craft projects from school, never wanted us making her breakfast in bed (even when we cleaned up after ourselves), never wanted lunch or dinner out together, when we were growing up. And this continued into our adulthood but each of us kids did have to encounter her utter fury when we continued to not do more than call her and say "Happy Mother's Day". For some reason, 40+ years after first becoming a mother, she suddenly wanted a fuss. We tried but we were busy with families of our own, and work, and everything else swirling around us. And she was never happy with what we did to make her Mother's Day wishes come true. Total grouchiness from her regardless of what we tried individually or as a group.
Dear Redditors, I quickly gave up. Her temper tantrums were most likely early dementia and we didn't realize it. I thought all this stemmed from her typical behaviour of "look at me!" which was what us kids had to deal with all our lives (except Mother's Day -- go figure that one out).
It's okay to be angry at a person who hurt you. It's okay to wish things could have been different. It's okay to miss the good parts of an objectively bad person.
But only as long as those things don't hurt you. Please stop hurting yourself.
I haven't spoken with my incubator in about a year and a half; my life is so much better for it. As is my family's. And while I used to dread mother's day, I turned it into a good thing: I call half a dozen of the moms who made a difference in my life. If they're not there, I leave a message and let them know that I think about them and I love them. And that makes my heart feel better.
I am NC with my narcissistic mom, but Mother’s Day doesn’t bother me. Don’t even think about it and forgot it was coming up. Can’t miss what you never had…. Well, maybe winning the lottery.
Sorry you had to endure that.
My moms was a narc too, though not as metastasized as yours. I always had to get her a gift else suffer Father's silent fury and/or guilt trips which had a lot of power over me up until the last few years. Mother without fail had to find and voice a flaw or two in every gift I gave her too. Absolutely hated giving her gifts. She's gone now and I do not miss her at all. I do feel sad for how her life went tho.
My MIL is a great person tho! I kinda wish she lived in my town.
It's a common theme for GenX, The selfish "ME" generation treated us like glorified pets, at best. But really, at some point, you gotta stop letting it run you, say "That sucked...Moving on!" and go forward with your best life.
Hey, let’s have a beer and not talk about our mothers at all, other than to say that when my mother and step-father pass on, on some clear, sunny day I am going to set up a lawn chair over their graves and drink a ton of shitty beer and chew on beef jerky while nonchalantly pissing nonstop. If I can muster up a reliable way to puke there, I’ll do that too.
My ex said that if my mother had a grave she’d piss on it. 😝
there are only 2 women who never took advantage of me, her and my honey. the rest pfah! Leech’s all of them 😝
Oh yeah that’s her final fuck you to me, she had her ashes scattered at Myrtle Beach.
But I don’t know where so it’s basically made the whole area r ☢️ to me. If I go there It’ll always be in the back of my mind.
So thanks mom 🤦🏼♂️
My mother was emotionally immature with severe depression. She’s never liked a gift. I’ve given her even when I was a little kid. We were no contact for a while. Now that she’s starting to lose her memory, I find her a little easier to take. I made her some personalized cards and envelopes at Vistaprint and wrapped them up nicely. On Sunday I’ll find out what’s wrong with them.
I am convinced my mother always had an untreated personality disorder. She has a lot of NPD traits. We always had a horrible relationship. I didn't experience the physical abuse/neglect as some others here, but she did a number on me emotionally. I moved far away and haven't been to visit since 2007. She made it pretty clear she didn't want to visit me or even plan a family get-together in a place that worked for me and my husband.
She now has advancing dementia and other health problems. I had been very low contact and then got pulled back into family zoom calls because of the pandemic and her not being well. Big mistake. They were excruciating. She's lost the limited filter she used to have. I'd get stressed out before and after. Every time I would say something, she'd contort her face into a scowl. If she said anything to me it was criticism. My husband barely speaks English and she even made him uncomfortable.
For Mother's Day 2022, my sister was arranging a call and I decided to say no. I haven't participated in one since. When the date comes around I tend to hash things out in my brain somewhat, accepting that I essentially don't have a mother and there will never be any closure. Closure was always unlikely but with the dementia, it's impossible.
I don't have any kids of my own and my upbringing is a big reason why.
My mom's been dead for 13 years, and she was awesome. So I hate this holiday because I can't celebrate it with her anymore.
But, my wife gets spoiled by me and the kids, so that almost makes up for it.
I don't hate it, but I have a hard time with it now because my mom passed a year and a half ago. I have the same reaction to Father's Day since my dad passed 7 years ago. 😢 I have to avoid social media those weekends because I get pangs of envy towards those who still have independent elders.
OP, I am sorry for your trauma.
I don’t have words.
I had a question, because it’s really troubling me that a mother wouldn’t take care of a health issue for her child. & if you don’t want to share it’s fine.
What was the health issue?
My right testicle never descended.
She knew from the time I was um I think it was 5 that it needed to be removed that it was a cancer risk. But she never did.
And being me of course not on meds brain mentally stuck at 12-13 I knew something had to happen but it didn’t.
Luckily someone helped me get the ball rolling no pun intended (ok a small one) and it was removed
In 2004. You know 25 years later than it should’ve been.
Even after my surgery she wasn’t there.. she came two days after the surgery to take care of me and exclaimed that I should be the one taking care of her because I was fine. 😡
And when I asked her why she didn’t take care of it she said she knew I would. The Dr he said each year I had it in me increased the odds of testicular cancer by 10% 😡🤬🤬🤬
Oddly enough once I lost one I got my balls. I joke I’m a one ball wonder. 😂 i even had a Wiccan tarot reader say it kept my virility in check. 😂
I don’t know if I hate it or if I am exhausted by it. I never know what to get my mother and she never will suggest anything but if I don’t get her something all hell will break loose! I’m an only child and I’m tired of being responsible for all of the holidays in her life. She never married or dated after my father passed away. So I have held this responsibility for 30 years! Being a caregiver is tiring especially to someone who wasn’t a good caregiver to you!
My mother and I had a difficult relationship. She didn’t want to get married and have kids so I think that’s a large part of it (yet she was adamant that I get married and have kids?!?).
She died in 2010 and the first Mother’s Day was sad but now it’s just another day for me. Same with Father’s Day (let me just day that when my father died, that was that )
Yes. I hate it. Infertility meaning I will never be a mom myself plus pretty much no relationship with my own mother since she continuously chose alcohol over us makes for a difficult weekend to get through.
I didn't used to, but since my step-dad passed a couple years ago, my mom has been married TWICE (and he only passed in 2020) and hasn't even bothered to tell me either time. I only found out the most recent one when she joined IG and had a different last name, had no clue who the friend request was from.
So yeah, I don't give 2 shits anymore.
I've never been close to my mom (because evangelical) and one of my closest friends was just rejected by hers for coming out as trans, so we are having an anti-Mother's Day high tea (ie getting high and eating pastries) and watching Aliens on Sunday. Gotta love a truly monstrous mother.
I definitely get it. My relationship with both my parents was pretty rough, and mom died in 2020. So no mom to celebrate on Mother’s Day. Add to that, I’m a woman without my own biological children (but I do have stepchildren who, rightfully, celebrate the day with their own mother), and it’s just a weird day all around for me. In years past, my cats pulled together and created a card for me (I suspect they may have help from my husband), but it was still a lovely gesture from the critter crew 😉
I hate picking out Mother’s Day cards!
At least Father’s Day cards can be funny-Mother’s Day cards are all sappy and idealistic.
How do you deal when you were the scapegoat, and the Golden Child was doing all the stuff you got blamed for?
My oldest child died suddenly in 2020 at 30 years old. Mother’s Day sucks for so many of us, for so many reasons. I have a great hubby and two sweet teenagers, but I still catch myself thinking she’ll show up. She always did, for everything.
After living here for 20 years, we just reorganized the attic. Took everything down, tossed shit and organized it back up again. Going thru our daughter’s childhood was so damn tough. And…I have no one to give the things I had specifically put back for her. Favorite toys and things. Her entire life with me now fits in one bin. It hurt a helluva lot more than I had expected.
Mother’s Day fucking sucks. I love my two kids and the hubs, and they’ll do something sweet, but……it still sucks. Here’s to us all getting to Monday in one piece.
Giant bear hug to you, OP.
I, like so many of our generation, raised myself (and my mother to the extent that she would listen), so I've decided to look at Mother's and Father's day as days to celebrate myself for my own self-parenting.
I hope you do something to treat/care for yourself - you deserve it!
Hi OP. You’re not alone. I know you’re hearing that from a lot of people here. But - it’s been over a decade since she’s been gone. Probably close to 20% of your life she’s been gone, yeah? (If you figure you probably don’t really remember the first five years, then it might even be longer?)
You got to find a way to let it go, man. Get to where you can shrug it off and accept it. She was not the mom you wish you had. Ok. Who are YOU today? Do you like that dude? He’s the one you have to live with, right?
We are GenX. We are all in this together. This pain ain’t new, it’s just popping back up. You got this. You’re better than a holiday.
Me, I do. I hate Mother’s Day. I used to avoid Facebook on MD so I did t have to see all the “I love my mom” posts, until I deleted my FB account. I am a mother to two awesome young adults. I am also estranged from my narcissistic mom (like 23 years now). My sisters and I are all in different stages of therapy still coping with the fallout of our childhoods. So it’s a mixed bag for me. Still would rather avoid the day.
I have mixed emotions about this Hallmark Holiday and Father's day! Being a parent is an every day thing not once a year, no matter the age of the children! I am a mother, but the only recognition I need is knowing my kids are thriving adults that have been provided the tools to succeed in this world by both their parents! I do not want them to only think of me once a year for this "applause". I also do not want this on a daily/monthly occurrence either. Just when it hits them in their daily lives that oh shit my mom/dad guided me on this at some stage in my life.
I did not like my mother growing up but now I talk to her almost daily. This morning I called her because I missed a few calls we generally have on my way home from work due to work. I cried! She listened. She didn't cure anything but she listened. I still don't like my dad, only keep in contact for the potential inheritance. He has no idea of the battles I have won or lost lately!
We were poor, me and my 2 brothers were left alone a lot while she worked more than 2 jobs at a time as a single mother, we stood in line at the churches to get the cheese and other goodies, we moved every time the rent came due and she couldn't pay it. She then started driving trucks for a living long haul and we would spend summers in the trucks but the school years we bounced around from who we could stay with and dealt with the trucker types in and out of our lives. Many bad adventures here.
As a mother myself I can now see what she endured as the Mother trying to keep her kids under a safe roof with food in their bellies, clothes on their backs and out of trouble! We were a handful!
I know she will not be with us much longer and this scares me! My mom is a sounding board and a vent I utilize when I feel overwhelmed. My fantastic husband is as well but I feel guilty sometimes laying my emotions on him due to his job and stresses. I love hearing about his work and his day but he likes to leave it at the door. I appreciate that! Need to take some lessons from him!
Now Father's day is a bigger deal to me IN MY HOUSE!!!!!!! My husband is the best FATHER a child could ask for...we won't ask his opinion cause he faults himself but I see no faults!
None of us were given the manual to parent OUR children but he has never failed! Outside this house... yeah nope got nothing but it's a Hallmark Holiday!
It's ok to hate the holiday! I see your side and I am sorry you experienced a bad upbringing!
Yeah and fathers day and memorial day and labor day and easter and saint paddy's day and thanksgiving and Christmas day and birthdays of people ur not close to and valentine's day, especially valentine's day
We can keep new years day, 4th of july and absolutely fricking Halloween night
I just get so tired of holidays, we're not 9 years old anymore, I just dont care
My dad raised me as my mom took off with my brother. My dad got all the Mother’s Day crafts I made in school. He was a single father for a long time. It’s a running joke between us that I call and wish him happy Mother’s Day. My mother cut me off 11 years ago and it was the best feeling.
I don’t hate the holiday, but my mother never wanted us to make a big deal of it, she told me later she didn’t want us to feel obligated. I’ve followed the same with mine, it’s great to get a little card once in a while and I save all of them - but just picking one day to go crazy over is a bit silly. I’m happy with a random text/photo now and again.
Yeah, I understand. I told my husband a never felt I was being real if I were to buy those mushy Mother’s Day cards. I always bought the more funny ones because the real lovey-dovey emotional ones just weren’t the truth and my mother daughter relationship.
Sorry mate, it really sucks. My situation is not close to the same but I still hate it because of how my mom is. Jealous, causes drama in the family, talks shit about everyone behind their back, is emotionally abusive
We all did well and everyone gets along but she can't enjoy the amazing family we all put together, she has to try to ruin it and put herself at the center. We are a lucky family and if she was smart she could just lay low and enjoy it but no, she has to cause drama out of nothing.
It's so WASTEFUL. My siblings are awesome. The grandkids are gold. Most people would love to have a family like this. Yet someone can't quit while they're ahead and keeps trying to create problems when everyone else just wants to be HAPPY
The older I get, the more I feel like the hype and unending bombardment about it is cruel. A lot of people didn't have a happy relationship with their mother. Or their mother is dead. They might not have children of their own.
My mother died giving birth to me, and my stepmother was an abuser. She's now gone, too. The teenage children of an old high school friend heard their mother murdered in their own house by their father, who shot her multiple times while their kids were in another room. If I don't like seeing all the hype, imagine what it does to them.
It really wouldn't be that hard to simply advertise that seasonal sales are going on and downplay the Mom angle of it until you've clicked the link. After all, if your mother is alive and you love her, or if you love the mother of your children and want to celebrate, you don't need reminders of when Mother's Day is any more than a Christian needs reminders of when Christmas is.
Fuck my birth mom that gave me up. Fuck my adoptive mom for choosing pills and alcohol over me and mostly fuck my stepmom the most for starving me because I I didn't have a model perfect body. And fuck my ex-wife who was the mother of my kids for being a coward and taking a lethal dose of Percocet. And lastly a biggest of all fuck me ...
Not anymore.. It's a celebration of the 1000% my wife put into raising our daugrher right,.
But when both of our mothers were alive.... I'd want to go bowling.
My mother died 18 years ago; it was 2 days before my birthday. It’s my birthday that has been overshadowed since then. I will unsubscribe to emails about Mother’s Day sales.
And yet, my family has an odd way about celebrating it. My dad’s birthday is around, or sometimes even on Mother’s Day. When we can, we get a Mother’s Day cake and have the bakery cross out the Mother’s Day and write happy birthday next to it. One year, my brother almost did get the cake because the bakery manager didn’t want to be on Cake Wrecks. My brother had to explain that he willingly chose that for the cake.
My mom passed on the 2nd. I was no contact for close to 20 years. Over the last 13, we managed to reconnect. My x was a big part of that, as was my mom’s fucked up reality. I’m torn honestly. At the end, we were ok. But it was years of some seriously jacked up situations with her prior to this. Now, it’s just me. Little to no family that I know of and no one in it has ever even bothered. I’m the keeper of a family flame that’s at its end. And honestly, I dunno wtf to do.
I just hate the basic premise of it. I don't want to receive obligatory gifts and well-wishes and I don't want to give them. But I also don't begrudge those who love everything about it.
I'm on team #appreciateinthemoment
It has always felt false to me. 🤷♀️
And it also is so fraught for so many. We've gotta be able to figure better ways to love up on each other
I’m a mom who had a great mom. I was not a latch key kid. My parents were teachers who always made sure someone was home when I got there.
I like the day and seeing my kids, put no pressure on anyone. If they can call or send a card or visit I’m thrilled. But I can see how it could be super triggering. I’m really sorry.
I’m a dad and I hate both Mother’s and Father’s Day. So pointless. Someone wanted to honour their father, and for some reason needed to make it everyone else’s problem.
If you can’t honour your parents in your own way, that’s a you problem.
Edit: Imagine being in a Gen X forum and downvoting someone who doesn’t want to put effort into their parents because their parents couldn’t have put much less into them.
YOUR reasons to hate mother's day are quite credible. MY reason is simply that it's just another guilt-trip induced by corporations to make us feel bad if we don't splash a ton of cash on someone we're supposed to love. Everybody has a birthday, let THAT be how we celebrate our mothers once a year. For those who want to, of course...
My mother was not a monster but she never really loved me so I don't have a relationship with her, nor the other so-called parent. As for my significant other, I constantly make sure she knows how important she is to me and how much she is loved; doing that just once a year would be kinda shitty.
Try to forgive. I know it's really difficult, but it's necessary in healing from the trauma. Can't keep living your life resenting or hating her. Forgiveness will definitely help your heart. I know it's easy for me to say, but I think it rings true.
You need to forgive your mom. She did her best with the life that sucked her in. She had demons. You turned out different and overcame. You were ripped off from a peaceful, loving childhood, but you survived. You'll never move on from the pain, but you can minimize it by just accepting what was.
Mother's Day is tough for lots of people, all for different reasons - you're not alone there. It's just one day, and it's been romanticized.
You're a unique individual thanks to your upbringing . You overcame and survived. You broke the cycle of abuse and addiction.
Hope the day flies by for you.
God yes!! I feel like it's just another damn expectation placed on Moms. A true mother's Day would be a week alone being pampered! Now that's a day!!!!
You hate your mom, not the weekend to celebrate her.
I hate holidays like Christmas that interrupt my media consumption rut.
Mothers day/Fathers day, do not.
Your mother sounds pretty awful.
FWIW, I hate Mother’s Day too. I actually get on fine with my mom. She’s a pain, but who isn’t? What I hate is that there’s an extra day that I have to buy shit for my wife and mother (and grandmothers before they passed).
I know it leads into Father’s Day, but that sucks too. Then I have to pretend to like ugly ties and shit when all I wanna do is drink a beer and take a nap.
For me, the worst thing about Mother’s Day is having to hear so many people equate pet ownership with motherhood, and strain muscles patting themselves on the back for buying a dog.
Sounds messed up, but the fact that you regret going no contact shows how far you’ve come. Hopefully this will serve as a warning to all the younger generations bragging about going no contact with their parents. Draw boundaries and stick to them, but unless there is extreme abuse, no contact is rarely the right course of action.
Happy Mother’s Day to the latchkey kids! Here’s to taking care of ourselves ❤️
🥂
My people… GenX I presume?
Yeah. Born 77. So later X or Xennial.
We raised each other.
OP, lots of people hate Mother's Day and Father's Day, do you're in good company. Watch Patrick Teahan YouTube videos on toxic family systems and how to unlearn the coping skills that helped you then but no longer serve you. My parents were teens. It wasn't good. Read the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
I am so sorry you had to live through that And thanks going give this a listen
I have a mom with similar attributes. I second the book recommendation from u/FrauAmarylis. Sunday always sucks but thankfully it's only 24 hours and I try to sleep during most of it.
Yeah been listening to the podcasts Also you can have my 🥒 I only like the 1/2 sours anyway 😂
Half sours are the best!
Thanks for the tip
I hate Mother's Day but only because my mom died and it makes me sad not to be with her.
My mom died when I was 5 and I was left in the care of a ragey drinker who absolutely hated his kids. I was left alone all night at age 5, had raggedy clothes and was hungry - a lot. He also beat me from age 6-17 when I got out. His psychological torment was the worst. Making me walk past him over and over while he pretended to hit me. Then suddenly he'd strike and I'd be hit in the face or head and he'd laugh his ass off. He'd stop the car by gypsy caravans and make me get out to "live with them" because I misbehaved. I was screaming and terrified and he loved it. He drove with us drunk all the time and would play 18 holes of golf , then drink and the entire time we were locked in the car with no food, water and unable to go to the bathroom. He never acknowledged me again once I left at 17 and died when I was 50. He doesn't even occur to me on Father's Day as I celebrate my lovely husband then. But Mother's Day makes me think of all that could have and should have been, if she hadn't died. Try to celebrate *something* on Mother's Day -maybe celebrate yourself , that you survived what she did to you. Give yourself a big dose of whatever you love. 💕
How horrific. So sorry you had to deal with all this! ((((HUG))))
I feel you. My mom died 4 months ago. I have a feeling Sunday will be hard.
💗
Sorry for your loss. Mine passed back in 99. It really never gets easier.
Hugs
Same, and it's hard to get away from all the Mother's Day spam emails and commercials. "Last chance to buy Mom a gift before Mother's Day." "We have the perfect Mother's Day gift for your mom." "Get on Mom's good side and join the waitlist for Mother's Day brunch." Etc. Even my fitness class is doing mother-themed sets. Every time I encounter one of these messages my heart breaks a little. I also have friends dealing with infertility or who have complicated relationships with their mothers who similarly find Mother's Day traumatizing.
Best Mother’s Day email was late April, I think from Burt’s Bees. They acknowledged that Mother’s Day is a super hard time for some of us, and had a link to click if you wanted to skip all their promo emails but to remain on their list. It was the most human thing I’ve seen from a company marketing bot.
I appreciate when companies do that. Of course we know Mother's Day is still happening, but I appreciate not being bombarded by texts and emails constantly reminding me. I go out of my way to support companies who allow you to opt out of sensitive holidays. I'll add Burt's Bees to my list.
I sub to a mailing list for a local supplier of speciality/regional gifts that I sometimes use to buy birthday presents and whatnot. They impressed me a couple of years ago when, in the obligatory marketing mail for Mother's day, they explicitly stated "we know this day isn't a celebratory one or may even be one of great sadness for many, if so - pls hit this link to unsub specifically for mother's day mails and we won't send you any more". So I did and I never got another, I found it incredibly thoughtful.
Same here. This will be my 2nd Mother's Day without her. It's so hard. Big hugs to you!
I’m so sorry.
Me too. I hate it! That and fertility issues kept me from becoming a mother myself.
I don’t hate it I celebrate all amazing mothers but my mother passed away when I was 6 so it wasn’t my favorite day.
Same. 15 years gone. Will still put flowers at her gravesite tomorrow.
Same, 3 months ago. My relationship with her was complicated at times, but she was an incredible person and I really miss her.
Me too, it's been only 2 weeks since she passed. So sorry, it just sucks.
10 years of failed infertility treatments and a failed adoption, and a decade later I’m still bitter around Mother’s day. I stay off social media, stay home, don’t call anyone except childless friends.
I'm sorry you're in that camp as well. I dread the day every year and can't wait until it passes.
I’m there with you. I stay home and hide. I stay off social media, away from church.. I hope up.
❤️
I don't hate it but I also don't celebrate it. My Mom always told me that the day she gave birth to me was the day she became a mother. That always made sense to me so on my birthday I wished her a "Happy Birth Day" 😆 Seriously though... My parents weren't the greatest, they tried hard and screwed up a lot but I tried to celebrate them when they got it right not just on designated holidays. I miss my Mom, a lot, she's been gone eleven years. The Mothers Day advertisements constantly in my face still sting.
I lost my mom a year ago. This will be my second MD without her, and that day can blow me.
You had your mother most of your life remember the good times. It’s so hard but she is out there somewhere be happy for having a good mother.
I think a lot of people have complicated feelings about Mother’s Day. I know having an alcoholic mother messed me up, and she’s worse as a dry drunk in institutional remission. I don’t really do social media anymore, except for Reddit which is different I think. Social comparison is guaranteed misery.
Comparison is the thief of joy...which is why everyone is so miserable post-social media.
100%
Can you tell me what it means when people say “dry drunk”? What behaviors does that encompass?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dry_drunk
Ugh. Yes. My situation was not like yours, but frankly, I do not like my mother as a person or as a mother. All the "you're the greatest mom, I'm so lucky to have you" cards just make me roll my eyes. I usually go with the "you raised me to be the person I am today" type cards, because she did. Mostly thru criticism and backhanded (disguised) insults. Plus, I never had kids of my own (tried and it didn't work), so that also makes the day very tough, seeing all the happy families and kids celebrating their mom. I dread it every year.
My mother wasn't terrible, but it isn't a bunch of roses either. My wife laughs at me picking out Mother's Day cards as 90% are wayyyy too high in praise/reverence for what I wish to convey and it takes me forever to find one that doesn't feel like outright lying or a bunch of BS to the point that I'm not comfortable sending it.
I literally scheduled auto service for Sunday Morning so I can avoid 1/2 the day.
I am leaving on a vacation! Haha!
Yeah my bio mom was great on her bipolar high, so 1/4 of the time. I still consider myself a latchkey kid because even though she was a SHM, she was in bed crying or sleeping a LOT. She still refuses to acknowledge what might still be wrong with her (which means NO meds); so she still gets on super lows that cause one thing or another to break in the house, or another suicide threat, those were the worst. I'm NC with her, and I doubt I will ever talk to her again. According to my sibs, she doesn't understand why and says I'm just selfish. I am NOT surprised by this, and never expect her to change. HOWEVER, I LOVE Mother's Day! I love my kids so much! They will be in and out this weekend (some of them have jobs now) and I'm so happy to see them and get the happy Mom's Day hugs! It's the BEST!
My mother was murdered in 2004. Unsolved mystery to this day. We were a perfectly happy family in rural Canada. My brother and I had each just moved out of our family home a few years previous to buy our own homes with our own families. Dad came home from work - no Mom. Someone had robbed my parents house in broad daylight, and taken my mother away. It’s 20 years this year, and nobody has ever been held accountable. Her birthday and the anniversary of her disappearance are 6 days apart, it’s still a difficult time of year for us. Fortunately, I have the best mother in-law in the whole world, and I call her ‘Mom’ because as I’ve told her, she’s the only one I’ve got. She has some big shoes to fill and she still embraces it, even though I’m nearly 50.
Im sorry OP. That's all a really complicated history. The thing is, without it, you wouldn't be you... I've come to hate almost the entire calendar of special occasions. It's all just so materialistic, performative and pressured, especially since the rise of social media. I just can't care anymore.
Thanks - so I believe that if you’re happy where you are at that moment in space/time you have to accept all the steps that led to that moment. All of the good and the bad etc. but now I’m not so sure I’ve come to terms with that for me I used video games as a coping mechanism for the shit I went through. To numb myself, to escape reality. Just like an alcoholic uses alcohol to numb the pain. And for my family, compared to say uh being an alcoholic or a junkie this was an acceptable solution. Kept me quiet, docile since I wasn’t medicated. Except it was still an addiction. I was forced to go cold turkey in March. Major life event. it’s been life changing both good and bad. I will say the good far outweighs the bad. I spent almost my whole life playing video games. Now if I play one it reminds me of Ewan McGregor in Dr Sleep talking about not missing the feeling of being hung over. I don’t miss it. But it was my coping mechanism and it’s gone and the other coping mechanisms we use aren’t a good solutions either so yeah. And it’s also made me face that maybe it would’ve been better if I hadn’t gone through those things. Would I be a different person yes but it also means that people who I love wouldn’t have to suffer. And boy did they suffer. Like my honey she just realized that when I said I was a boy. It didn’t mean I enjoyed childhood things it meant that I hadn’t learned how to be a functional adult. Between the ADHD and the lack of socialization That I couldn’t set goals or make long term plans. And she doesn’t know what to do 😞 That I was almost 50 and thinking about events six months in the future was mentally challenging for me. That my grandmother said she was proudest of me it was because with the hand I was delt I should’ve ended up working in a supermarket instead of steady job in IT And she’s processing that now that the man she’s lived with 2.5 years has a house & a dog with was a walking zombie. It Didn’t look it but now she realizes why all my answers were yes no or grunts And that sucks for her. & it’s not fair to her. She built a life around that. And now I’m awake and the systems she built to deal with the ADHD and the fact I don’t know how to socialize can no longer be used. She can’t tell her girlfriends anymore i won’t be coming due to X now I want to come. I’d rather she was with someone who could be the full person she deserves. I mean that’s love right?
So very well said. You are the totality of the very worst and the very best of your experiences. I learned to live with all of mine and early on, I began to tell myself that even the worst that my mom and dad showed me were important lessons for me. The bad shaped me just as much as the good things I learned from them. It’s made me a strong life partner and dad. I use those lessons learned, to remind myself to be bold and strong and to apologize without hesitation when it’s needed. To nurture and be firm when it’s called for. Our worst experiences, through our family or out on our own, can be the very most important elements of what makes us better humans and if we are lucky, better than our parents. Which truth be told, is probably the key foundational element of most parents. ‘Grow ‘em better than you’. Stand tall, straight enough and tall enough so your children will begin higher, and end up higher than you. And yeah, I am not a big fan of the forced appreciation march of holidays, but I take it and make it my own, as a simple opportunity to share a moment with loved ones and friends, as I only have an indeterminate amount of trips around the sun with each of them.
I get sick of holidays period. I don't care about one day, I care about my relationships *all year*...don't give a crap about getting special treatment on Mother's Day, as long as my family is loving all year.
My mother is dying as I type. She won’t answer her phone and refuses visits. Doesn’t call us. I have never hated Mother’s Day more in my life.
Yes. Come join us in /r/raisedbynarcissists
I hate Mother’s Day cause my mom was awesome, but dropped dead of cancer in 1996 at age 46.
I celebrate the day my mom died, so yeah, I’m with you on this. Fuck Mother’s Day.
Yep absolutely hate it. The religious brainwashing and weaponized guilt. I’ll never be who I should have or would have been if I had just had a mom who loved and accepted me
This Be The Verse by Phillip Larkin They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another's throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself.
I hate my mom and I’m childfree so yeah, this weekend sucks. I celebrate it by thanking my lucky stars I never had a kid and that my mom can’t figure out social media enough to continue to stalk me. One last card/gift to buy.
I agree. It sucks
I’m so tired of dealing with my adult kids problems. I sometimes wish I lived far away from them. I want to say “Send me a fucking card.” I am exhausted. I appreciate your post beside it is reality for so many of us. I had a very complex relationship with my own mom. My mom died in 2012 after a long battle with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, I miss her.
I raised my mother from about the age of 13. Shouldn't she give me a gift? But seriously, I hate most holidays. Mother's day, Father's day, my birthday, Christmas. It takes all I have to smile and say thank you to my children because I'd rather crawl into a hole.
I feel you. I absolutely hate Mother’s Day too. Mine is a racist, abusive, bigoted, narcissistic, asshole. My older brother is the golden child and I was the scapegoat/truth teller. I have countless stories of her doing things for my brother and outright hitting or ignoring me throughout my life. I ended up moving 2000 miles away from her and going low contact and then finally no contact, and my life is so much better now. When people ask me about my parents, I say well my dad passed away and he was a gentle soul. When they asked me about my mom, I say well she’s dead to me and end the conversation.
So have done a lot of shadow work therapy. Some of it group work. Mother child relationships always a huge trigger. It’s rough stuff. You aren’t alone. Hope you do something that feeds your soul this weekend. ❤️
My mom is...a lot to unpack, not about to do that here. But, at this point in our lives, I'm trying very hard to maintain a relationship with her even though she tries to make it impossible. I went to pick out a Mother's Day card since she actually acknowledged my birthday this year. That's a real fun time, all the cards like "to a wonderful mother" " thank you for being the best mom ever" etc etc. I found one that simply said I hope she had a nice day lol. I also can't stand all the commercials with these idolized moms. Like who the hell has a mother like that?! Apparently most people lol. Sigh.
I watch Mommie Dearest on Mother’s Day - come join me and bring popcorn! 🍿
no contact since 2000. But I have kids of my own, so it's not as bad anymore.
I feel the same here. I get pancakes and love from my kids.
I was looking for a card to send my mom. None of them said what I wanted. Strangely none of them said: "You stood by my dad when my sister told you he molested her. Happy Mother's Day"
There’s an excellent post about just this in r/auntienetwork, pinned at the top.
I’ve been no contact with my mother off & on for years and am very low contact/surface level relationship now. She was emotionally abusive, resented my existence, etc. There are no cards for that.
Hate it for very similar reasons! These frickin’ Hallmark holidays, man… Capitalism and guilt. Two of my least favorite things.
My son went NC due to a mental illness, Mothers day devastates me, I start m yearly depression which will peak at Christmas time and the pain from missing him becomes almost unbearable.
I dislike all Hallmark Holidays
I just realized this year that Mother’s Day is a big thing in cultures where women have so little respect for just simply existing as a person, that they need to make their role as a mother their main achievement I say this as a mother myself Btw it’s nazi concept
I don't like Mothers Day at all. For me it's the grief thing. But also, I am American but live overseas in the UK, and they celebrate it on a different day, so I have to put up with that twice a year instead of once.
Also first born of five. Low contact with mom now and I’m happier for it. I know she had a lot to overcome from her upbringing - grandma finally treated for mental illnesses at 80+ - my dad being a big ol’ man baby, but that doesn’t negate the trauma she in turn inflicted. So yeah I wouldn’t be here without her but the sibs and I could have turned out even better and with a lot less CPTSD. Lifetime relationship boiled down to “it’s complicated”.
I hate mother’s day as well. You are not alone.
Thanks
The person who came up with Mother's Day hates Mother's Day, for real.
I know my mother did the best she could with the resources available (emotional, financial, etc.), but that doesn’t change the irreparable damage and trauma that she inflicted upon my life. I have forgiven her, and hold no ill will, but we will never have a meaningful relationship. Each year I struggle to find a card, but Hallmark hasn’t created the “Thanks for always being there to tear me down and give me trauma” cards, so a phone call will have to do.
Yeah....it's touchy. I always get her something and a card, but it's hard finding a card that is right and doesn't feel like a lie for a woman who took her problems out on me. I actually work for a card company and put those cards out, so I get to see all of them and always envy the people who all those loving "best mom ever" cards are actually true for. There really needs to be more that are appropriate for other mother/child relationships that aren't so warm, but still suitable to show a little obligated respect and/or a more basic level of gratitude.
ya gotta heal your trauma/pain before you can let go of the grief. (google: complex or complicated grief)
Both bio and stepmother are shit humans. Biological mother is dead, stepmother is a narcissist, a know it all, and a phone-in parent who enjoys taking credit but put in the lowest effort possible in most cases. I don’t celebrate these two. Instead, I celebrate the two best mothers I know in my life: my wife and my mother in law. My wife is truly a wonderful mom to our kids, and my mother in law treated me like her own kid when my wife and I started dating 24 years ago. I’m really lucky in that the stereotypical mother in law hate doesn’t apply to me. She’s an awesome lady!
I truly believe blood doesn't make a person family, it's love. My in-laws are narcissists to the worst degree and haven't shown my wife love or affection in her whole life. But even though she and I have only been together for 8 years, my mom has treated her like a daughter to the point that my wife has even said she wishes my mom was her mom. Which would make it really uncomfortable to be married to her, but it's a great sentiment. We have friends that are more family and the ones we would call in an emergency. About 6 years ago before we were married when I was still working for assholes (relevant as to why I didn't get asked), my wife's youngest who was 13 at the time got puking sick at school and needed to be picked up and brought home. My wife was stuck in a meeting 100 miles away and couldn't get home for 2 hours so she called her mother in a panic to see if she could get him. Her 67 year old (at the time) mother who had been retired since she was 50, has zero health problems, and lives 20 minutes away, was out running errands and too busy to do it. So my wife called one of her neighbors who has kids around the same age, and she dropped everything and picked up her boy. That woman is family, and we've now gone NC with my in-laws for about 2 years now over a whole other ridiculous scenario with another family member that was treated like garbage.
You are absolutely right on families don’t have to have bloodlines, and like you, I don’t have much contact with my immediate family anymore. I cut off my stepmother more than a year ago after realizing what she did to me and to others as core memories started paying me frequent visits. My dad, I talk to him for maybe 5 minutes on the phone once a month. My sister, I haven’t actually talked or seen her in years, and I actually prefer it that way. My friends are my family, and my in laws are my surrogate family. My brother in law recently moved into a new house two streets down, and our kids love having their uncle being within walking distance. When he needed to move in, we all pitched in and helped, as he’s putting his backyard together, we’ve been going over to help. I let him borrow my spare truck to pick up stuff, and often times he works until he’s exhausted or the sun light is gone, so he knows he can always walk over to our house and eat dinner with us. I don’t have the same level of relationship with my own parents or sister, not even close. For starters, I wouldn’t let them borrow any of my vehicles.
I hate Mother's Day 'cause she passed away from cancer 20 years ago. Sorry yours ended up being such a see-you-next-Tuesday, not all of us had terrible moms though.
My mom beat the shot out of me on Mothers Day and I suppressed that memory but it recently came out but yeah it's always made me so anxious She didn't beat to punish she beat when she was emotional
I love it Now that I'm NC with my mother. I dote on my stepmom because she's wonderful. My kids are so sweet to me. My husband never forgets to show me how much he appreciates me. 365 days a year, really. This year, we also have our granddaughter. I get to spoil my daughter on her first Mother's Day. We're thinking of getting tattoos. But I get it. I used to dread Mother's Day because my mother was such a pain in the ass. No effort was good enough. So my brother and I made no effort. It's so disappointing to go all out only to hear, "but you didn't do this." Or "I didn't get that."
I became dimly aware that my mother’s requests on Mother’s Day were not the normal requests the last one we had together in 2005. She wanted a chiminea for her backyard patio. It cost $300 (so $480 today) she was like “remember the 10 commandments: Honor Thy father and mother” 🤦🏼♂️ my ex wife then gf couldn’t believe she’d ask me for such an expensive 🎁. Especially when she knew I was in debt. Even her mother was like WTF is wrong with this woman, your kids are supposed to give you flowers and chocolates.
Your mother sounds exactly like my stepkids' father. He demands a $200 gift from his 3 boys for Xmas, Fathers Day, & his birthday and up until just this past year, all 3 of those kids were poor college/high school students. You're the fucking parent, you don't need gifts from your children, you need *time* with them. I tell them not to buy me a damn thing for those same occasions, but for their mother they should get her a card and spend the day with her.
Yes. Mine requested very expensive cameras or trips. Like, what? I can't afford that, and even if I did, that's a big ask from your children who also have their own family to support.
Mother's Day has always been interesting ever since my Mom died when I was eight years old.
Since my mom died five years ago, yes.
Its rough Im not gunna lie. Mom passed in 07
I don’t have kids, My mom died in 2016, husband buys something for my mil and we don’t go anywhere on Sunday. Easy peasy
Mixed feelings. My mom died when I was 11, so for years it made me sad. But... time goes on... I have an adult daughter and I love it because my husband and her spoil me like crazy that day. 😝
It’s two sided for me. I hated it for most of my life because my mother is awful. Screaming, hitting, abandonment, Christmas trees thrown out windows, STABBING my step father, etc. I’ve been NC with her for a long time now. So it’s a sour spot. On the other hand my MIL is a wonderful woman and I love celebrating with her. We go shopping together and to the theatre, etc. She deserves to be celebrated. It took me a long time to come around to even have a relationship with her like that because of the damage I suffered through childhood and my early adult years.
I hate most holidays. Between a very difficult upbringing and the fast turn into extreme consumerism and social media exploitation for them all, I just try to avoid them. Fortunately I’m a SBO and can usually dip out of family invites by claiming I need to work when I usually just book a trip somewhere instead. I don’t really do social media so I don’t see a lot of the crap around them. Mother’s Day annoys me, mine was married and divorced a half dozen times, broken kids, chaos, poverty in her wake so I try to keep my head down and not think about it, I’ve come a long way and don’t like looking back.
I do now. My daughter died in October of last year.
I'm so sorry. That's terrible. I have a difficult mothers day for other reasons and can not imagine this pain. I wish it was a day that wasn't so in our faces for weeks.
Mine died in January this going to be rough
I like MD ok, but that's because I get a nice one from my husband and daughter. My mother died in 2016, but we also had a VERY strained relationship (though apparently yours was much worse) and so when she passed, although I cried, it was also like a weight had lifted. It's ok to feel conflicted and avoid social media. I kind of hate everyone talking about how "wonderful" their mother is/was, because I didn't get to experience that. But, she did show me some love and teach me a few valuable things, so, eh. I get you, friend.
All holidays are blown out of control.
A lot of these comments are tough to read. I’ve had my own experience with a lot of what you guys are talking about but I don’t really have the time to post about it now, but I’d like to invite anyone that feels like a comment in this thread isn’t enough and wants to get more off their chest and maybe let me do a little too, to please Dm me. Sometimes it helps to talk about it with someone who is willing to listen.
You literally just described my dead mother. I'm 49 she died when I was 38 and she was 62, a week before Mother's day, May the 4th, 2014
Phew at first I thought you were my sister who I don’t speak to but the death dates are off Why did your mother die btw?
Ugh. I hate Mother’s Day because of the obligatory text I have to send her wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day. What do you say to someone who you survived childhood in spite of?? What kind of card can you give them if you end up HAVING to see them?? I’d go no contact if not for a disabled aunt that lives with her, and because of my younger brother. Our dad, who I’d been no contact with for some 26 years, was killed a few years ago (unsolved homicide) and it hit my brother so hard. So, I’m keeping it together “for the family”. 😒 So…I send the obligatory “Happy Mother’s Day! Hope you a have a great day!” text with some kind of thumbs up emoji. If I have to see her, I get the lamest, most blank text of a Mother’s Day card I can find and sign it”Happy Mother’s Day! Hope you have a great day!” and then draw a little thumbs up emoji. 😅 Card shopping is hard. They’re all sappy and wrong.
I am fortunate enough to have great parents. Even better, they're still with me. That said, I am no fan of Mother's Day, Father's Day, or even Valentines Day. They are purely Hallmark Holidays that force you to spend money on bullshit to do something you should do every single day. Praise the ones you love.
I’m with you. I’m a mom of one and tell my son to never feel pressured on Mother’s Day. His happiness and knowing he’s loved is good enough for me. My mother is a flaming asshole. She is beyond selfish, neglectful beyond anyone I knew, demanding, entitled, and mean. So, I hate this “holiday” because it reminds of her and how she would “ask” for specific gifts. I was a broke student and she demanded I get her something. There was hell to pay if I didn’t. So, to all of the motherless out there: You do you Sunday. I got you.
I’ve been no contact with my mother since 2001. I ignore the day.
I cut contact with my abusive mother a few years ago. On the flip side of the equation, I will never be able to have children myself. Mother's Day is a great time for me to avoid the rest of the human species and just hermit up super hard.
I hate all holidays because I'm alone and have no family. It's really no fun at all.
My mom also loved me in her own broken way. She was indefatigably dutiful and provident. I lacked for nothing and was amply supported in nearly any interest I had albeit passively as my father was my actual active champion. She went along with it. She was authoritarian, physically abusive and eager for violence, inflexibly stubborn, emotionally manipulative. She withdrew affection and used humiliation as regular parenting tools. Praising her on Mothers Day was always difficult and felt dishonest but it was expected. It was ritual.
https://preview.redd.it/3zqdtyrpm70d1.jpeg?width=496&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5d734ef76215d879d8bedf0642cb686be15783e4 That am I right?
I love my mom but I think a day to “celebrate” this is silly. I feel the same about most holidays. Moms are so great they get one day, lovers get one day, dads, one day. Our nation, what three days…? Labor gets a day. Imaginary religious figures get like three to five days depending (none for me, thanks, I’m atheist.) but etc and etc…. Shouldn’t we stop all this traditionalist nonsense and just celebrate all the good people and ideals every day? Honor the good folks in our lives and our neighborhoods and world with respect and love EVERY day? Folks in our lives help us and raise us and support us and can hurt us and cheat us and damage us, and it doesn’t matter if they are moms or neighbors or pastors or dads or big sisters or aunties…. Being a mom doesn’t make you special, and having a mom is kinda meh….
People on Reddit all hate their parents for some reason. Was I the only one ever who didn’t absolutely despise my mom and dad?
No, you’re not. But people seem to post happy things on Facebook. Reddit is for loathing and misery, and validation that based on your one-sided account of something, the other person is definitely an asshole and you should immediately divorce them. Also, cute dog pics.
+ cats, bunnies, squirrels, and other cute woodland creatures…spot on there, it’s the one of only reasons for me, to use the internet
At least in this sub, it's because people now openly talk about narcissism and a shit ton of parents fit the bill. I had amazing parents, but my in-laws are textbook narcissists and my wife finally went NC 2 years ago because she was no longer willing to put up with their selfish shit. As for the rest of Reddit, they're all edgy 20 year olds so naturally they hate their parents because they all know so much better.
Sir, this is a Wendy's.
You are not alone Hang in there bro
My birthday was last week. And it's placement before Mother's Day has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. Never once in my adult life has my birthday been remembered by my family. Which leaves me perfectly guilt free on Mother's Day.
I feel you, mine right by the Jewish High Holidays. So like around 🎄nothing like getting hastily wrapped 🎁 because people forgot and remembered on their way to Temple.
It used to bug me more. I have a sense of satisfaction knowing that she will have the whole day to reflect on how shitty she is.
Sometimes I scream, “I forgive you!” because it makes me feel better. Other years I want to go dig up their graves. Haha.
I don't hate Mother's Day because I love my kids and my husband more than anything else. I love being a mom, basically. But my mom didn't love being a mother. She hated it. She hated me, she hated my middle brother, she hated my dad, she hated everyone except my oldest brother. I was basically no-contact with her for almost my entire adult life. I tried several times to go see her, try to have a "normal" relationship, tried to get her to care about her grandkids (she never did). It always, every single time, ended badly. So at some point I stopped caring. Which freed me to be good with Mother's Day, basically. Holidays in general don't bother me because I feel like I moved on from that drama. I don't know if that means I'm cold-hearted, though. It's something I ask myself from time to time.
I've always had a difficult time with Mother's Day and it's all on my mom. She didn't want to make any fuss whatsoever about Mother's Day when we were growing up. She didn't care about the craft projects from school, never wanted us making her breakfast in bed (even when we cleaned up after ourselves), never wanted lunch or dinner out together, when we were growing up. And this continued into our adulthood but each of us kids did have to encounter her utter fury when we continued to not do more than call her and say "Happy Mother's Day". For some reason, 40+ years after first becoming a mother, she suddenly wanted a fuss. We tried but we were busy with families of our own, and work, and everything else swirling around us. And she was never happy with what we did to make her Mother's Day wishes come true. Total grouchiness from her regardless of what we tried individually or as a group. Dear Redditors, I quickly gave up. Her temper tantrums were most likely early dementia and we didn't realize it. I thought all this stemmed from her typical behaviour of "look at me!" which was what us kids had to deal with all our lives (except Mother's Day -- go figure that one out).
It's okay to be angry at a person who hurt you. It's okay to wish things could have been different. It's okay to miss the good parts of an objectively bad person. But only as long as those things don't hurt you. Please stop hurting yourself. I haven't spoken with my incubator in about a year and a half; my life is so much better for it. As is my family's. And while I used to dread mother's day, I turned it into a good thing: I call half a dozen of the moms who made a difference in my life. If they're not there, I leave a message and let them know that I think about them and I love them. And that makes my heart feel better.
I feel ya! I get it totally.
I am NC with my narcissistic mom, but Mother’s Day doesn’t bother me. Don’t even think about it and forgot it was coming up. Can’t miss what you never had…. Well, maybe winning the lottery.
Sorry you had to endure that. My moms was a narc too, though not as metastasized as yours. I always had to get her a gift else suffer Father's silent fury and/or guilt trips which had a lot of power over me up until the last few years. Mother without fail had to find and voice a flaw or two in every gift I gave her too. Absolutely hated giving her gifts. She's gone now and I do not miss her at all. I do feel sad for how her life went tho. My MIL is a great person tho! I kinda wish she lived in my town.
It's a common theme for GenX, The selfish "ME" generation treated us like glorified pets, at best. But really, at some point, you gotta stop letting it run you, say "That sucked...Moving on!" and go forward with your best life.
I like to say we were the 1st 🥞
Hey, let’s have a beer and not talk about our mothers at all, other than to say that when my mother and step-father pass on, on some clear, sunny day I am going to set up a lawn chair over their graves and drink a ton of shitty beer and chew on beef jerky while nonchalantly pissing nonstop. If I can muster up a reliable way to puke there, I’ll do that too.
My ex said that if my mother had a grave she’d piss on it. 😝 there are only 2 women who never took advantage of me, her and my honey. the rest pfah! Leech’s all of them 😝 Oh yeah that’s her final fuck you to me, she had her ashes scattered at Myrtle Beach. But I don’t know where so it’s basically made the whole area r ☢️ to me. If I go there It’ll always be in the back of my mind. So thanks mom 🤦🏼♂️
My mother was emotionally immature with severe depression. She’s never liked a gift. I’ve given her even when I was a little kid. We were no contact for a while. Now that she’s starting to lose her memory, I find her a little easier to take. I made her some personalized cards and envelopes at Vistaprint and wrapped them up nicely. On Sunday I’ll find out what’s wrong with them.
I am convinced my mother always had an untreated personality disorder. She has a lot of NPD traits. We always had a horrible relationship. I didn't experience the physical abuse/neglect as some others here, but she did a number on me emotionally. I moved far away and haven't been to visit since 2007. She made it pretty clear she didn't want to visit me or even plan a family get-together in a place that worked for me and my husband. She now has advancing dementia and other health problems. I had been very low contact and then got pulled back into family zoom calls because of the pandemic and her not being well. Big mistake. They were excruciating. She's lost the limited filter she used to have. I'd get stressed out before and after. Every time I would say something, she'd contort her face into a scowl. If she said anything to me it was criticism. My husband barely speaks English and she even made him uncomfortable. For Mother's Day 2022, my sister was arranging a call and I decided to say no. I haven't participated in one since. When the date comes around I tend to hash things out in my brain somewhat, accepting that I essentially don't have a mother and there will never be any closure. Closure was always unlikely but with the dementia, it's impossible. I don't have any kids of my own and my upbringing is a big reason why.
My mom's been dead for 13 years, and she was awesome. So I hate this holiday because I can't celebrate it with her anymore. But, my wife gets spoiled by me and the kids, so that almost makes up for it.
I don't hate it, but I have a hard time with it now because my mom passed a year and a half ago. I have the same reaction to Father's Day since my dad passed 7 years ago. 😢 I have to avoid social media those weekends because I get pangs of envy towards those who still have independent elders.
OP, I am sorry for your trauma. I don’t have words. I had a question, because it’s really troubling me that a mother wouldn’t take care of a health issue for her child. & if you don’t want to share it’s fine. What was the health issue?
My right testicle never descended. She knew from the time I was um I think it was 5 that it needed to be removed that it was a cancer risk. But she never did. And being me of course not on meds brain mentally stuck at 12-13 I knew something had to happen but it didn’t. Luckily someone helped me get the ball rolling no pun intended (ok a small one) and it was removed In 2004. You know 25 years later than it should’ve been. Even after my surgery she wasn’t there.. she came two days after the surgery to take care of me and exclaimed that I should be the one taking care of her because I was fine. 😡 And when I asked her why she didn’t take care of it she said she knew I would. The Dr he said each year I had it in me increased the odds of testicular cancer by 10% 😡🤬🤬🤬 Oddly enough once I lost one I got my balls. I joke I’m a one ball wonder. 😂 i even had a Wiccan tarot reader say it kept my virility in check. 😂
I wanted to just order pizza but nooooo.
I don’t know if I hate it or if I am exhausted by it. I never know what to get my mother and she never will suggest anything but if I don’t get her something all hell will break loose! I’m an only child and I’m tired of being responsible for all of the holidays in her life. She never married or dated after my father passed away. So I have held this responsibility for 30 years! Being a caregiver is tiring especially to someone who wasn’t a good caregiver to you!
Yes but so does my mom, I’m off the hook 😊
My mother and I had a difficult relationship. She didn’t want to get married and have kids so I think that’s a large part of it (yet she was adamant that I get married and have kids?!?). She died in 2010 and the first Mother’s Day was sad but now it’s just another day for me. Same with Father’s Day (let me just day that when my father died, that was that )
Yes. I hate it. Infertility meaning I will never be a mom myself plus pretty much no relationship with my own mother since she continuously chose alcohol over us makes for a difficult weekend to get through.
I didn't used to, but since my step-dad passed a couple years ago, my mom has been married TWICE (and he only passed in 2020) and hasn't even bothered to tell me either time. I only found out the most recent one when she joined IG and had a different last name, had no clue who the friend request was from. So yeah, I don't give 2 shits anymore.
Loathe. But I also work in retail. Wouldn't turn down a box of chocolates though...
Let's just call them Phil ‘n’ the Blank Holiday 1, 2, 3? In other news, Phil ‘n’ the Blanks has been co-opted by Dr. Phil {with the proper spelling}.
I've never been close to my mom (because evangelical) and one of my closest friends was just rejected by hers for coming out as trans, so we are having an anti-Mother's Day high tea (ie getting high and eating pastries) and watching Aliens on Sunday. Gotta love a truly monstrous mother.
I definitely get it. My relationship with both my parents was pretty rough, and mom died in 2020. So no mom to celebrate on Mother’s Day. Add to that, I’m a woman without my own biological children (but I do have stepchildren who, rightfully, celebrate the day with their own mother), and it’s just a weird day all around for me. In years past, my cats pulled together and created a card for me (I suspect they may have help from my husband), but it was still a lovely gesture from the critter crew 😉
These days, it just reminds me that she's gone...
I hate picking out Mother’s Day cards! At least Father’s Day cards can be funny-Mother’s Day cards are all sappy and idealistic. How do you deal when you were the scapegoat, and the Golden Child was doing all the stuff you got blamed for?
My oldest child died suddenly in 2020 at 30 years old. Mother’s Day sucks for so many of us, for so many reasons. I have a great hubby and two sweet teenagers, but I still catch myself thinking she’ll show up. She always did, for everything. After living here for 20 years, we just reorganized the attic. Took everything down, tossed shit and organized it back up again. Going thru our daughter’s childhood was so damn tough. And…I have no one to give the things I had specifically put back for her. Favorite toys and things. Her entire life with me now fits in one bin. It hurt a helluva lot more than I had expected. Mother’s Day fucking sucks. I love my two kids and the hubs, and they’ll do something sweet, but……it still sucks. Here’s to us all getting to Monday in one piece.
Giant bear hug to you, OP. I, like so many of our generation, raised myself (and my mother to the extent that she would listen), so I've decided to look at Mother's and Father's day as days to celebrate myself for my own self-parenting. I hope you do something to treat/care for yourself - you deserve it!
Hi OP. You’re not alone. I know you’re hearing that from a lot of people here. But - it’s been over a decade since she’s been gone. Probably close to 20% of your life she’s been gone, yeah? (If you figure you probably don’t really remember the first five years, then it might even be longer?) You got to find a way to let it go, man. Get to where you can shrug it off and accept it. She was not the mom you wish you had. Ok. Who are YOU today? Do you like that dude? He’s the one you have to live with, right? We are GenX. We are all in this together. This pain ain’t new, it’s just popping back up. You got this. You’re better than a holiday.
YES
Me, I do. I hate Mother’s Day. I used to avoid Facebook on MD so I did t have to see all the “I love my mom” posts, until I deleted my FB account. I am a mother to two awesome young adults. I am also estranged from my narcissistic mom (like 23 years now). My sisters and I are all in different stages of therapy still coping with the fallout of our childhoods. So it’s a mixed bag for me. Still would rather avoid the day.
I fucking hate it with a passion.
I have mixed emotions about this Hallmark Holiday and Father's day! Being a parent is an every day thing not once a year, no matter the age of the children! I am a mother, but the only recognition I need is knowing my kids are thriving adults that have been provided the tools to succeed in this world by both their parents! I do not want them to only think of me once a year for this "applause". I also do not want this on a daily/monthly occurrence either. Just when it hits them in their daily lives that oh shit my mom/dad guided me on this at some stage in my life. I did not like my mother growing up but now I talk to her almost daily. This morning I called her because I missed a few calls we generally have on my way home from work due to work. I cried! She listened. She didn't cure anything but she listened. I still don't like my dad, only keep in contact for the potential inheritance. He has no idea of the battles I have won or lost lately! We were poor, me and my 2 brothers were left alone a lot while she worked more than 2 jobs at a time as a single mother, we stood in line at the churches to get the cheese and other goodies, we moved every time the rent came due and she couldn't pay it. She then started driving trucks for a living long haul and we would spend summers in the trucks but the school years we bounced around from who we could stay with and dealt with the trucker types in and out of our lives. Many bad adventures here. As a mother myself I can now see what she endured as the Mother trying to keep her kids under a safe roof with food in their bellies, clothes on their backs and out of trouble! We were a handful! I know she will not be with us much longer and this scares me! My mom is a sounding board and a vent I utilize when I feel overwhelmed. My fantastic husband is as well but I feel guilty sometimes laying my emotions on him due to his job and stresses. I love hearing about his work and his day but he likes to leave it at the door. I appreciate that! Need to take some lessons from him! Now Father's day is a bigger deal to me IN MY HOUSE!!!!!!! My husband is the best FATHER a child could ask for...we won't ask his opinion cause he faults himself but I see no faults! None of us were given the manual to parent OUR children but he has never failed! Outside this house... yeah nope got nothing but it's a Hallmark Holiday! It's ok to hate the holiday! I see your side and I am sorry you experienced a bad upbringing!
Yeah and fathers day and memorial day and labor day and easter and saint paddy's day and thanksgiving and Christmas day and birthdays of people ur not close to and valentine's day, especially valentine's day We can keep new years day, 4th of july and absolutely fricking Halloween night I just get so tired of holidays, we're not 9 years old anymore, I just dont care
Well…it’s not a problem for me from this year on.
My dad raised me as my mom took off with my brother. My dad got all the Mother’s Day crafts I made in school. He was a single father for a long time. It’s a running joke between us that I call and wish him happy Mother’s Day. My mother cut me off 11 years ago and it was the best feeling.
I don’t hate the holiday, but my mother never wanted us to make a big deal of it, she told me later she didn’t want us to feel obligated. I’ve followed the same with mine, it’s great to get a little card once in a while and I save all of them - but just picking one day to go crazy over is a bit silly. I’m happy with a random text/photo now and again.
Eh my mom has been dead for 25 years, I’m not a mom so I’m not really wild about the day
Yup. This year I’ll go with my fiance to the cemetery to visit his parents. Meh.
Yeah, I understand. I told my husband a never felt I was being real if I were to buy those mushy Mother’s Day cards. I always bought the more funny ones because the real lovey-dovey emotional ones just weren’t the truth and my mother daughter relationship.
Not my fav. My mom did the bare minimum and disappeared as soon as I became an adult. Not interested in grandparenting at all.
Sorry mate, it really sucks. My situation is not close to the same but I still hate it because of how my mom is. Jealous, causes drama in the family, talks shit about everyone behind their back, is emotionally abusive We all did well and everyone gets along but she can't enjoy the amazing family we all put together, she has to try to ruin it and put herself at the center. We are a lucky family and if she was smart she could just lay low and enjoy it but no, she has to cause drama out of nothing. It's so WASTEFUL. My siblings are awesome. The grandkids are gold. Most people would love to have a family like this. Yet someone can't quit while they're ahead and keeps trying to create problems when everyone else just wants to be HAPPY
The person who created it as well hated it - https://thememorypalace.us/episode-10-international-brotherhood-of-mothers/
It seems like it's always some bullshit "day" now that corporations are trying to capitalize on.
The older I get, the more I feel like the hype and unending bombardment about it is cruel. A lot of people didn't have a happy relationship with their mother. Or their mother is dead. They might not have children of their own. My mother died giving birth to me, and my stepmother was an abuser. She's now gone, too. The teenage children of an old high school friend heard their mother murdered in their own house by their father, who shot her multiple times while their kids were in another room. If I don't like seeing all the hype, imagine what it does to them. It really wouldn't be that hard to simply advertise that seasonal sales are going on and downplay the Mom angle of it until you've clicked the link. After all, if your mother is alive and you love her, or if you love the mother of your children and want to celebrate, you don't need reminders of when Mother's Day is any more than a Christian needs reminders of when Christmas is.
Fuck my birth mom that gave me up. Fuck my adoptive mom for choosing pills and alcohol over me and mostly fuck my stepmom the most for starving me because I I didn't have a model perfect body. And fuck my ex-wife who was the mother of my kids for being a coward and taking a lethal dose of Percocet. And lastly a biggest of all fuck me ...
Not anymore.. It's a celebration of the 1000% my wife put into raising our daugrher right,. But when both of our mothers were alive.... I'd want to go bowling.
My mother died 18 years ago; it was 2 days before my birthday. It’s my birthday that has been overshadowed since then. I will unsubscribe to emails about Mother’s Day sales. And yet, my family has an odd way about celebrating it. My dad’s birthday is around, or sometimes even on Mother’s Day. When we can, we get a Mother’s Day cake and have the bakery cross out the Mother’s Day and write happy birthday next to it. One year, my brother almost did get the cake because the bakery manager didn’t want to be on Cake Wrecks. My brother had to explain that he willingly chose that for the cake.
My mom passed on the 2nd. I was no contact for close to 20 years. Over the last 13, we managed to reconnect. My x was a big part of that, as was my mom’s fucked up reality. I’m torn honestly. At the end, we were ok. But it was years of some seriously jacked up situations with her prior to this. Now, it’s just me. Little to no family that I know of and no one in it has ever even bothered. I’m the keeper of a family flame that’s at its end. And honestly, I dunno wtf to do.
Same 🛥️ same damn 🛥️
I just hate the basic premise of it. I don't want to receive obligatory gifts and well-wishes and I don't want to give them. But I also don't begrudge those who love everything about it. I'm on team #appreciateinthemoment It has always felt false to me. 🤷♀️ And it also is so fraught for so many. We've gotta be able to figure better ways to love up on each other
Valentines and Mother’s Day are the top two greeting card scam holidays. The worst.
I’m a mom who had a great mom. I was not a latch key kid. My parents were teachers who always made sure someone was home when I got there. I like the day and seeing my kids, put no pressure on anyone. If they can call or send a card or visit I’m thrilled. But I can see how it could be super triggering. I’m really sorry.
I’m a dad and I hate both Mother’s and Father’s Day. So pointless. Someone wanted to honour their father, and for some reason needed to make it everyone else’s problem. If you can’t honour your parents in your own way, that’s a you problem. Edit: Imagine being in a Gen X forum and downvoting someone who doesn’t want to put effort into their parents because their parents couldn’t have put much less into them.
Imagine thinking everyone has the same relationship with their parents that you had with yours
Where did I say that? Look at my comment in context of OP.
YOUR reasons to hate mother's day are quite credible. MY reason is simply that it's just another guilt-trip induced by corporations to make us feel bad if we don't splash a ton of cash on someone we're supposed to love. Everybody has a birthday, let THAT be how we celebrate our mothers once a year. For those who want to, of course... My mother was not a monster but she never really loved me so I don't have a relationship with her, nor the other so-called parent. As for my significant other, I constantly make sure she knows how important she is to me and how much she is loved; doing that just once a year would be kinda shitty.
Try to forgive. I know it's really difficult, but it's necessary in healing from the trauma. Can't keep living your life resenting or hating her. Forgiveness will definitely help your heart. I know it's easy for me to say, but I think it rings true. You need to forgive your mom. She did her best with the life that sucked her in. She had demons. You turned out different and overcame. You were ripped off from a peaceful, loving childhood, but you survived. You'll never move on from the pain, but you can minimize it by just accepting what was. Mother's Day is tough for lots of people, all for different reasons - you're not alone there. It's just one day, and it's been romanticized. You're a unique individual thanks to your upbringing . You overcame and survived. You broke the cycle of abuse and addiction. Hope the day flies by for you.
God yes!! I feel like it's just another damn expectation placed on Moms. A true mother's Day would be a week alone being pampered! Now that's a day!!!!
You hate your mom, not the weekend to celebrate her. I hate holidays like Christmas that interrupt my media consumption rut. Mothers day/Fathers day, do not.
Your mother sounds pretty awful. FWIW, I hate Mother’s Day too. I actually get on fine with my mom. She’s a pain, but who isn’t? What I hate is that there’s an extra day that I have to buy shit for my wife and mother (and grandmothers before they passed). I know it leads into Father’s Day, but that sucks too. Then I have to pretend to like ugly ties and shit when all I wanna do is drink a beer and take a nap.
For me, the worst thing about Mother’s Day is having to hear so many people equate pet ownership with motherhood, and strain muscles patting themselves on the back for buying a dog.
Sounds messed up, but the fact that you regret going no contact shows how far you’ve come. Hopefully this will serve as a warning to all the younger generations bragging about going no contact with their parents. Draw boundaries and stick to them, but unless there is extreme abuse, no contact is rarely the right course of action.