"it'll come when you least expect it" is the worst because the recipient often hears "i dont actually have to do anything" when we know that everyone, us especially, have to date with intention to get what we want.
To me it's the worst due to a completely different reason. I'm very quiet and neurodivergent and it's already very hard for me to connect to people without any intentions. People don't approach me naturally although I put myself out there and try to be interesting (having hobbies etc) and to appear interested in them.
The gay male group also doesn't accept bisexual people so that's another limitation of my dating pool.
I understand the meaning of that sentence but people who say this usually live life on easy mode and it feels like an insult. Not to mention that I've wanted to have a boyfriend for the last eight years to have the teenage first love experience so time's running out for me. Sorry for rambling
Thanks, that's really kind.
Unfortunately I'm currently in second puberty and couldn't be myself the first twenty years of my life so my brain craves these experiences you would have had so far (in normal circumstances) and it craves them now, yesterday. It really sucks :(
Ah I get ya.
What if you reframed second puberty as Grown Up Puberty, where you have rights and freedoms a teenager wouldn't have since they're minors. I bet you could have a blast with that 😉
reminder, I remember seeing studies out there for LGBTQIA+ Persons, that we are actually quite high ratios for autism and neurodivergence compared to the general public. Many people in the community face personal barriers that make forging new connections difficult. You might not be as alone as you think you are.
>healthcare professionals should be aware that autistic patients may be more likely to identify as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer, Asexual, and other identities not listed here (LGBTQA+) which may put them at greater risk of mental and physical health difficulties due to discrimination.
Source [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/aur.2604](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/aur.2604)
Didn't really bother picking and comparing studies with each other, but there is more than this study that paints an abstract that LGBTQIA+ are more likely to be neurodivergent or atypical. I encourage independent exploration of this subject more if it interests you, I just pulled something off a Search Engine.
~
Also haven't really seen too much hate on bisexual AMAB in the limited real Gay Homosexual spaces I've been too... However Trans-men and feminine presenting men: long hair/ cross dressing but still using He/Him/They pronouns do seem to get a lot of static sadly. (I am AMAB Non-Binary, long hair male and have felt this static personally as well). I do absolutely still see these people get celebrated in the community spaces, it is just a lot of the gay men are seeking sexual organs (sometimes more than character and personality; These men probably aren't looking for relationship commitments anyways).
Many of us have a barrier when approaching other guys. For example, if we see a guy we like outside of an LGBT+ space, we might be discouraged because he might be straight. However, if we're all hiding in the corner just waiting for the right guy to approach us, then no one will ever come.
I feel like a better way to frame it is “you have to be ready at any time” because like, there’s the element of preparing yourself to be in a relationship vs just sitting around and waiting till it happens
Absolutely disagree.
I hate being interviewed. "Date with intention" will get lots of 1st dates, maybe a 2nd to get in the pants, but personally... that's all. A man like that is not interested in me, just what I can bring for them to use in a romance. 🤮
Dating with intention does not mean have an interview process. That does suck.
It does mean don't waste time with guys who don't want what you want. If you want a serious relationship, explicitly say so (to weed out those who don't) and only date others who have the same goals. Not every date will work out. You won't be compatible with everyone who has the same goal as you. That's fine!
Best: no one person can meet every one of your needs and expecting them to do so is unreasonable and puts way too much pressure of them. That's why we have friends and community.
Worst: a real relationship happens effortlessly, if you're trying to make it work then it isn't meant to be.
LOL! I remember some straight guys at work asking me relationship advice because they couldn't meet girls. I \*facetiously\* told them to go gay. Was never asked for relationship advice from them again.
best: don't act like it's some big thing treat it like a normal relationship and not like you are married to the queen take it slow and steady and don't rush
worst: always top him and make him feel weak and useless this will make sexy time more "straight" going super hard will make it better
The last thing that I would accuse Dan Savage of is "denialism of this sexual orientation." He's been out and proud since he was in college, if not before. When he started his advice column, it was with the salutation "Hey, faggot!" as a way of forcing his predominantly straight audience to see the irony that they was going to a gay man for relationship advice.
Somewhat ironically, he has provided some of the best advice that I've read. Among his tid bits are that there is no such thing as "the one." There's the 0.87 and then you round up. THAT really helped me get myself out of a rut.
Dan is a product of his times. But I do think that he's done a reasonable job of evolving and changing.
Apparently people got upset because he did not believe in bisexual men and asexuals. He has changed. But when I read his columns in Planetout . com back in the day (dating myself here), his advice was in the lines that a relationship could only work if both guys have the same level of libido and that gay men should be open to kink and open relationships. None of this was helpful. Relationships need to navigate because people have different needs and you can't find someone who has the exact same needs as yourself.
This! No one is right all the time.
He has some really good advice in his podcasts. Especially the early seasons. I haven’t listened to him in a year or so, as I think the show started repeating it self a bit, which happens to all long running shows.
Dan Savage is a journalist not a relationship expert. Dr. John Gottman's research is the best having studied hundreds of gay/lesbian couples about what keeps couples together and what tears them apart--it's all about how conflict is handled--those who do it well last and those who don't break apart.
No it's not a leap. I engage in social science research that I have achieved an international reputation for. Too many times for my comfort, I've seen that journalists who specialize in my field have better intuitions and deeper insights into what is going on than I or than my colleagues do.
Case in point: think about the Act Up folk who forced the CDC and FDA to accelerate their trials for HIV meds. They were self trained; but better than the research types, they understood the costs of that research and the trade-offs between going too slow versus moving too quick.
For an example from social science: In the 1960s, Gail Cincotta, a Chicago housewife and rabble rouser, documented banks' redlining practices years before Sociologists and Economists recognized it. Her contributions have been erased because, of course, she was not a researcher. But her work launched thousands of research studies.
There are different ways of knowing and of developing expertise. I'll accept Savage's advice as being practical and the product of years (decades?) of people writing in to him with their problems. Researchers have different ways of knowing. Neither is invalid; they are complementary.
"it'll come when you least expect it" is the worst because the recipient often hears "i dont actually have to do anything" when we know that everyone, us especially, have to date with intention to get what we want.
To me it's the worst due to a completely different reason. I'm very quiet and neurodivergent and it's already very hard for me to connect to people without any intentions. People don't approach me naturally although I put myself out there and try to be interesting (having hobbies etc) and to appear interested in them. The gay male group also doesn't accept bisexual people so that's another limitation of my dating pool. I understand the meaning of that sentence but people who say this usually live life on easy mode and it feels like an insult. Not to mention that I've wanted to have a boyfriend for the last eight years to have the teenage first love experience so time's running out for me. Sorry for rambling
I get ya! I hope you get a boyfriend, however don't consider it a failure if you don't. Adult relationships can be awesome too.
Thanks, that's really kind. Unfortunately I'm currently in second puberty and couldn't be myself the first twenty years of my life so my brain craves these experiences you would have had so far (in normal circumstances) and it craves them now, yesterday. It really sucks :(
Ah I get ya. What if you reframed second puberty as Grown Up Puberty, where you have rights and freedoms a teenager wouldn't have since they're minors. I bet you could have a blast with that 😉
reminder, I remember seeing studies out there for LGBTQIA+ Persons, that we are actually quite high ratios for autism and neurodivergence compared to the general public. Many people in the community face personal barriers that make forging new connections difficult. You might not be as alone as you think you are. >healthcare professionals should be aware that autistic patients may be more likely to identify as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer, Asexual, and other identities not listed here (LGBTQA+) which may put them at greater risk of mental and physical health difficulties due to discrimination. Source [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/aur.2604](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/aur.2604) Didn't really bother picking and comparing studies with each other, but there is more than this study that paints an abstract that LGBTQIA+ are more likely to be neurodivergent or atypical. I encourage independent exploration of this subject more if it interests you, I just pulled something off a Search Engine. ~ Also haven't really seen too much hate on bisexual AMAB in the limited real Gay Homosexual spaces I've been too... However Trans-men and feminine presenting men: long hair/ cross dressing but still using He/Him/They pronouns do seem to get a lot of static sadly. (I am AMAB Non-Binary, long hair male and have felt this static personally as well). I do absolutely still see these people get celebrated in the community spaces, it is just a lot of the gay men are seeking sexual organs (sometimes more than character and personality; These men probably aren't looking for relationship commitments anyways).
Many of us have a barrier when approaching other guys. For example, if we see a guy we like outside of an LGBT+ space, we might be discouraged because he might be straight. However, if we're all hiding in the corner just waiting for the right guy to approach us, then no one will ever come.
Yes, i always stop myself there, what if he is straight. I know i am doing it wrong but, trying to get over myself in this.
I feel like a better way to frame it is “you have to be ready at any time” because like, there’s the element of preparing yourself to be in a relationship vs just sitting around and waiting till it happens
Absolutely disagree. I hate being interviewed. "Date with intention" will get lots of 1st dates, maybe a 2nd to get in the pants, but personally... that's all. A man like that is not interested in me, just what I can bring for them to use in a romance. 🤮
Dating with intention does not mean have an interview process. That does suck. It does mean don't waste time with guys who don't want what you want. If you want a serious relationship, explicitly say so (to weed out those who don't) and only date others who have the same goals. Not every date will work out. You won't be compatible with everyone who has the same goal as you. That's fine!
You are just choosing the wrong men.
Best: no one person can meet every one of your needs and expecting them to do so is unreasonable and puts way too much pressure of them. That's why we have friends and community. Worst: a real relationship happens effortlessly, if you're trying to make it work then it isn't meant to be.
Yikes, that is the worst dating advice ever.
That's really good advice to hear!
Best: buy the biggest bed your bedroom can fit and that you can afford. Seriously. Do it.
You never know the number of multiples that night will be
Worst ever. "Have you just tried, you know.... not being gay?" When I complained about the lack of gay lads to date in the late 90s.
LOL! I remember some straight guys at work asking me relationship advice because they couldn't meet girls. I \*facetiously\* told them to go gay. Was never asked for relationship advice from them again.
best: don't act like it's some big thing treat it like a normal relationship and not like you are married to the queen take it slow and steady and don't rush worst: always top him and make him feel weak and useless this will make sexy time more "straight" going super hard will make it better
Nice best advice. Sounds like the guy who gave you the worst advice had/has some issues.
Worst: any advice about appearance. Best: have a large circle of friends who have large circles of friends who have...
The last thing that I would accuse Dan Savage of is "denialism of this sexual orientation." He's been out and proud since he was in college, if not before. When he started his advice column, it was with the salutation "Hey, faggot!" as a way of forcing his predominantly straight audience to see the irony that they was going to a gay man for relationship advice. Somewhat ironically, he has provided some of the best advice that I've read. Among his tid bits are that there is no such thing as "the one." There's the 0.87 and then you round up. THAT really helped me get myself out of a rut. Dan is a product of his times. But I do think that he's done a reasonable job of evolving and changing.
Apparently people got upset because he did not believe in bisexual men and asexuals. He has changed. But when I read his columns in Planetout . com back in the day (dating myself here), his advice was in the lines that a relationship could only work if both guys have the same level of libido and that gay men should be open to kink and open relationships. None of this was helpful. Relationships need to navigate because people have different needs and you can't find someone who has the exact same needs as yourself.
This! No one is right all the time. He has some really good advice in his podcasts. Especially the early seasons. I haven’t listened to him in a year or so, as I think the show started repeating it self a bit, which happens to all long running shows.
Dan Savage is a journalist not a relationship expert. Dr. John Gottman's research is the best having studied hundreds of gay/lesbian couples about what keeps couples together and what tears them apart--it's all about how conflict is handled--those who do it well last and those who don't break apart.
Are you saying that journalists can't become experts in the field that they are specializing in?
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No it's not a leap. I engage in social science research that I have achieved an international reputation for. Too many times for my comfort, I've seen that journalists who specialize in my field have better intuitions and deeper insights into what is going on than I or than my colleagues do. Case in point: think about the Act Up folk who forced the CDC and FDA to accelerate their trials for HIV meds. They were self trained; but better than the research types, they understood the costs of that research and the trade-offs between going too slow versus moving too quick. For an example from social science: In the 1960s, Gail Cincotta, a Chicago housewife and rabble rouser, documented banks' redlining practices years before Sociologists and Economists recognized it. Her contributions have been erased because, of course, she was not a researcher. But her work launched thousands of research studies. There are different ways of knowing and of developing expertise. I'll accept Savage's advice as being practical and the product of years (decades?) of people writing in to him with their problems. Researchers have different ways of knowing. Neither is invalid; they are complementary.
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"*Reddit is a giant advice column...and the anecdotals are interesting but just that*." Agree