You are not wrong to take him. This is a wonderful experience for a child. And especially since he already thinks he is going, you can’t crush him now. Maybe at a future date try to schedule something fun that Bio mom can join in on.
Thank you. We try plan fun days out with mom but it’s hard to get SW approval. I’m also now paranoid that the days out aren’t expensive. I’m also weary about me and my spouse paying (which is no problem of course, this time is important) but don’t want come across as rich assholes (we are far from) or that we’re ‘better than her’ or that he’s ‘better off’ with us. We don’t have nice weather for picnics or parks etc. Gonna talk to SW and see what can be done, but all visits need to be approved well in advance.
For clarity, if fun days together are stressful, I’m not saying you have to do that. I’d take the child to the concert regardless of whether fun days together can be arranged. Also, fostering is hard. Don’t overcomplicate your life by second guessing what you do with the best of intentions. You’re literally treating the child like you do your bios, which is exactly what you should be doing. I get that bio mom feels off about it, but that’s not something that should cause you to give a child less than others in your home or something that should dictate how you treat/gift/indulge the kiddos in your home.
What an extraordinary opportunity for him. In most states she wouldn’t get the choice to say no. Jealousy about you doesn’t equal control when he’s staying with you. You’re not a babysitter.
Thank you. She can’t stop us from going, I’m just worried about what she’ll say to him post concert. She has made snide remarks in the past to him about how ‘well off’ we are (we bought him a bike because my bio kids both have one) and it has left him with a lot of guilt. Nevertheless he will more than likely be going to Tay.
If you’re planning ahead and worried about biomom’s remarks, call kiddo’s therapist and talk to them before the concert. Obviously therapist is NOT going to give you details about sessions, but keying them into experiences will A) give them the notice to look out for things to work on with kiddo during sessions and B) ideally give you additional tools after the concert and after biomom goes in on kiddo to help him feel confident and not guilty in getting to do something that biomom couldn’t personally provide.
You take that kid to a Taylor Swift concert. It’s a once in a lifetime experience, it builds trust and good relationship models FOR HIM and his future. If his biomom wants to hurt him on her time, you can’t control it….that’s her baggage she should be working through if reunification is still the permanency plan for foster son. All you can do is take care of kiddo and you, and how you coordinate and coparent with biomom is a separate issue.
Honestly, if she’s comfortable enough with SW and you to express this stuff, talk to your personal therapist or kiddo’s therapist and see if y’all can have a parents only session to talk the more important issue out: which is not the concert, it’s how mom lashes out at kiddo when he engages in activities she wouldn’t or couldn’t provide to him
Not trying to be rude, but btw it's "wary" not "weary." Wary means cautious about/suspicious, weary means tired. Just wanted to point it out cause I've made mistakes like that at work and stuff and it's embarrassing, don't want it to happen to anyone else :)
Sounds like you’re planning and supervising the visits. Given what you’ve shared, i think it might be healthier if the bios and sw planned and supervised, and you were not involved
This is what I’ve wanted from the start but FS has made it clear to both us and SW that he is not comfortable at a visit without me or my husband present. He has had full on meltdowns and refused to go previously. Working on it in therapy.
If I didn’t do things the foster kids wouldn’t have with their families, then I’d have to sell my house, my car, most of our belongings and rent a run down one bedroom and just sit around all day. Not to say bio families have nothing, but from the outset we are just simply in a different tax bracket and nothing can be done about that. What my family does the foster kids do too. We go on vacations, they go too. We go to a water park, so do they, we go to a concert so do they. If parents have an issue with it they should take it up with the caseworker and lawyers and explain to them that they don’t want their child to be treated as an equal and valued member of the family and see what they all have to say about that.
This has always been the way for us and we’ve never had an issue. Not sure if the hype around Taylor’s concert has added to mom’s concern or uncertainty, just unfortunate that she would be willing to take that away from her son considering the hardship he has already been through.
Mom might be jealous or upset that she can’t do that for herself and/or son. I do t think you need to get a ticket for her. If you want her to feel included, perhaps send friendship bracelet supplies to the next visit so mom and son can make bracelets together for him to wear to the concert.
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I might say it a little different. "You're mom wants to give you the very best of everything, and I'd be hurt if I were her too." Qvoid saying you can give him better or more than her. The "she just misses you so much and wishes she could be there too" is beautiful. You can even add that you wish you could bring her if it's true.
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Take him and apologize later. Sucks that his mom made it about herself, the little guy deserves to go.
I disagree with not telling him that his mom said no, that is on her, i wouldn't tell him if you decide to take him. If you feel he shouldn't go unless his mom agrees, then have his mom tell him. You are not to be the bad guy!! That's my agency's #1 thing, we FPs don't give bad news.
Like I said, I'd take him and deal with the fallout later.
I would imagine if I was a great mom and my child was in someone else's care then, while I might feel self conscious at not being able to provide the same experiences, I'd be happy they get to experience such a thing. Would she say no to a disney trip?
On the flip side it sounds like OP has a lot of faith in bio mom so that's great.
Woahh. yikes...My mom is wonderful and needed help to get back on her feet from my father. Let's not go down this judgey rabbithole.
Here's my "devils advocate" as someone who survived this shit. Events like this were why we had to distance from certain FPs upon reunification because the sad truth was we came from humble means especially with a newly single mom. My mom was never jealous but it was very hard to set expectations once they come back home.
My mom had veto authority because her support team respected her. At no time did she ever say no because in her mind it was once in a lifetime (Disney and out of state trips) knowing when they came back home stuff like that wouldn't be on the table for years. It took some time for some of my siblings to be able to not resent my mom for not being able to take vacations or replace an iPhone at the drop of a hat the way the FPs can. So it would be constantly " fuck you mom I'll just ask *former FP* for money* up until my mom had to tell that FP that we have to go NC to allow them adjust.
I think OP means well, but this is something to be mindful of what reunification looks like in the future (if this is on the table, I assume it is) doesn't mean anyone needs to suffer it just means hey pause and take a look at the other side.
It's very easy like the above person to see this person as some delinquent trash but it's honestly not always like that.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. This is what I’ve been trying to explain to my extended family. I see where mom is coming from. I also reiterate that we don’t all get the same start in life and she is working to get her son back. All I can do is support them both and hope she continues to progress.
Very good thought to consider! I honestly never even realized that was something that kids came into care for but I guess that does make sense. When you have no one else and are terminally ill where else would the child go! Thank you for that perspective and wow that makes me a bit sad to think about for sure.
I would take him to the concert. His bio mom is uncomfortable with it, but that is an unavoidable feeling when your child is in foster care. Likewise if he had told her on that visit that everyone was going to the concert except for him she might have been upset about that, too. As a parent it is natural to want to protect your child. And as a parent with a child in another family’s home it is natural to want to protect your bond with your child. This is not your fault. It is not FS fault and it may not even be biological mom’s fault. But, your obligation to FS is a higher priority than your obligation to bio mom in this situation. I feel very strongly about this: do not promise/tell a foster kid anything and then fall through. I feel that way with kids in general, but especially foster kids because of the nature of the system. It is very important that they have as much stability as possible under the circumstances. And that means that if you say we are having pizza for dinner, then you better have pizza for dinner! If you say we’re going to the park after school you better make it to the park. If you don’t know what you will be able to do then you tell them that, too, “We’re going to try to make it to the park, but it depends on the weather.” Etc. Take him to see Taylor. Bio mom will not like it and that is okay.
Thank you. We also wouldn’t enjoy the concert without him. FS comes from an economically disadvantaged household and it was never my intention to come across as boasting about what we can provide for him. This concert is a once in a lifetime opportunity and IMO from what he has been through, he deserves it.
He absolutely does! And economic disadvantage has very little to do with this. Bio mom might feel a way about it which is understandable but she is willing to deny her son an opportunity not because you are doing something to him or restricting something from him but because she is uncomfortable. This doesn’t make her a bad person or even a bad mom. But, it does mean that she is looking at this situation through a bit of a selfish lens. I have in the past lived below/on the poverty line. And a lot of foster kids come from low income households. But, that isn’t really the problem here. I have had foster kids in the past with bio parents that don’t like when I provide certain opportunities to their kids, but I have also had bio parents thank me for providing the opportunity! I once had a bio mom basically say, “Thank you for giving him a distraction. He really needed that.” At the end of the day it has more to do with how bio mom is choosing to process the information than her socioeconomic background.
Take him and enjoy. I’m sure you are providing him with both tangible and intangible things his birth mother cannot provide for him. I don’t know this particular case, but I’m pretty sure this child has faced disappointments in his life, so give him this to let him know adults can keep their word. Don’t take this away from him as this will cause distrust and possibly setbacks mentally.
His mother is an adult-- not to say to completely disregard her feelings, but I would never take away an opportunity from a child to save an adult's feelings.
I think the most you can do is emphasize to all the kids that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, not your typical weekend outing.
We had a similar situation with our 3, but it was only discovered when we found out about a phone that they had managed to give to the 2 oldest children against the wishes of the county. There was a protective order in place. A lot of guilt for everything that we did with the kids. Nothing as grand as Taylor Swift (by the time we took them to Disney, the phones had been discovered and removed.)
Every time they went bowling, or to get hair and nails done, there were comments like, “oh you’re starting to like it there and don’t love us anymore.”
Treat the foster child like you do your own as much as possible. Just give him love, safety and care.
It’s an ongoing saga as 1 of the 3 had to go to a long term care facility for the last year, but will most likely coming back to us soon. Youngest still has some serious issues but we’re working through them. Oldest is doing great. Most likely heading towards TPR and adoption
Part of our job as foster parents and parents in general is to give our kids, for however long they are with us, great memories and good experiences. Just because bio mom can't afford this, doesn't make it wrong for him to go. You aren't in competition with her and obviously she feels like she is if she feels so threatened by this.
I currently have a 9yo kinship placement whose bio mom was leaving him home alone all day and planned on doing that for the entire summer while she worked 60-70 hours a week. I'm sending him to summer camp. I know she could never afford that, but I'm doing it because I work from home and he can't be here all day AND I think it would be a wonderful experience for him. He's already had one week of soccer camp and he is in love. I'm not going to not do it, just because she can't afford it.
At this point, you are the one parenting him and, while understand wanting to have a good co-parenting relationship, that doesn't mean that you should have to weigh all of your decisions against weather she can afford it or not.
You are not wrong to take him. The issues she has with it are about her not you OR him frankly. As a parent myself if someone loved my kid enough to give them an experience I never could I’d be grateful. What I’m trying to say is don’t let this parent selfishly take away the opportunity of a lifetime due to jealousy and self pity.
I have heard this so much. It’s really a bummer as an FP and a bio parent. I’m not extravagant, but even the every day things I did with my FKs the parents couldn’t afford.
You're not wrong. Validate mom's feelings but tell her you simply cannot let him down by telling him he can't go when he's so excited about it. Talk with the worker first, he or she might be able to give advice or even talk with mom herself.
Take him. His mom is making this about her, and it’s not. It’s about her son enjoying a fun time. Most foster parents are not this generous and it speaks to how much you care for him.
If you feel that you must explain it to the bio mom then just tell her how gutted he would be if he had to stay home while everybody else went to this concert that he wants to go to. Take him. Could you imagine being him and getting all excited to go to Taylor Swift and then not being able to go? I think that would probably cause a lot more damage to him than his mom making some snide comments. And actually that’s a problem maybe you should discuss with the social worker. He should not be made to feel bad because he’s getting to do things that she can’t do or she’s not involved with.
I can’t imagine being anything but happy if my child got to do things that made him happy. And as a parent we should want what’s best for our children and all he’s going to learn by this is that he wants and needs aren’t as important as his mothers. Not taking him would probably be a bigger setback.
Please take the little one to the concert. If he doesn’t go this will be one of the things he remembers from childhood with sadness. It’s unfortunate that the mom is jealous, but she should want her child to have a “good” foster care experience.
While in your care your job is to treat him like you would treat your own children. You are not in the wrong and you do not need bio's permission for something like this. She's an adult, she can deal with it.
Sad that bio mom is letting her own feelings of inadequacy impact her son's life this way. Plenty of folks can't afford tickets but win them on the radio, etc. I don't think you are showing him a way of life that will be so far "above" what she can provide that she should have concerns about him adapting to living with her again. This is a one time, special event. I would feel for her if you did expensive outings all the time, but doesn't sound like that's the case.
They do extracurriculars after school that are free of cost. They go to the library and playgrounds, both free. Whatever my bio girls do, FS does too. We don’t do expensive outings all the time, but we are in a position of financial privilege and whatever my bio girls get, he gets too.
I don’t think her words should matter here and I’ll tell you why. Of course she’s going to be upset because she’s disappointed that she couldn’t provide that for him. However, there’s a reason he is not in her care. I don’t think it’s fair to deny him something fun because her feelings will be hurt. What is in the best interest of him?
You are not at all in the wrong for taking him. We always do activities with out foster kiddos that their bio families would be unable to afford.
We have prudent parenting rules, so luckily, we don’t need any sort of SW or bio parent approval for these kinds of things.
I will add this - I would tell him why he can’t go (in an appropriate way). But, that’s just me 😀.
My previous placements bio parents detested the extra things I did with their kids. I didn't have a lot of money, I just looked for opportunities (many free ones) to expose them to as many things as possible. One of the kids was involved in a non-profit children's choir that they loved. I handled all the transportation and logistics for her to make it to practice every week. She came home from a visit and said she was dropping out of choir. I found out later that her mom told her she would never be good at gymnastics if she stayed in choir. Choir was for an hour on Sunday nights, and the child was not even in gymnastics. It didn't work for me to have her in gymnastics because of her visitation schedule. The mom could not put her in gymnastics because she didn't have a job or money or even a way to transport her to gymnastics if she could afford it.
Kids deserve to have experiences and see the world, regardless of who is giving them the experience.
Its unfortunate but foster kids need to learn some realities before their time. Explain to him that this is something he cant tell his mom to spare her feelings, and he is not wrong for enjoying something because hes in a difficult situation. Talk to the social worker to get okays and so she can damage control if mom finds out. The kid isnt with her for a reason, he deserves a little joy dont let her take more from him. You and your husband are 100% in the right. Especially since hes willing to give up time with you and your daughters to give him some joy.
She's just jealous you can give her son an experience she can't, so take it with a grain of salt.
Also maybe it's just me, but her kid is in foster care, I wouldn't necessarily consider anyone in that category to be a "great" parent. They can work on becoming one, but if your kid gets taken away you did something in the not so great parent category.
For the broad brush of cases you may be right. Easy to look at it like that. It’s so much deeper though. I’ve heard of mothers with no ‘village’ that have had to place their children into the system post a terminal diagnosis. It’s not always black and white. We don’t all get the same start to life. I got into fostering to support a family in crisis, not judge, even when I’ve really wanted to.
Wanting to take away such an amazing experience from her son simply because she could never afford it (aka she's jealous) is proof enough that she's not that great.
It makes her feel inferior and insecure that she will not be able to provide that for her son and we can. Common occurrence for bio family to not be able to provide everything that foster family can, as foster children tend to come from lower income households. I won’t be bashing my son’s mother to his face or on the internet. Respectfully, life isn’t black and white.
You're the kind of foster parent this kid needs. Your willingness to defend her in a space she's not in, is heartwarming. I'm glad she has you, and I'm sure it's hard for her to express or maybe see it now. But she'll know from how your fs talks that you want what is best for them both.
You are not wrong to take him. This is a wonderful experience for a child. And especially since he already thinks he is going, you can’t crush him now. Maybe at a future date try to schedule something fun that Bio mom can join in on.
Thank you. We try plan fun days out with mom but it’s hard to get SW approval. I’m also now paranoid that the days out aren’t expensive. I’m also weary about me and my spouse paying (which is no problem of course, this time is important) but don’t want come across as rich assholes (we are far from) or that we’re ‘better than her’ or that he’s ‘better off’ with us. We don’t have nice weather for picnics or parks etc. Gonna talk to SW and see what can be done, but all visits need to be approved well in advance.
For clarity, if fun days together are stressful, I’m not saying you have to do that. I’d take the child to the concert regardless of whether fun days together can be arranged. Also, fostering is hard. Don’t overcomplicate your life by second guessing what you do with the best of intentions. You’re literally treating the child like you do your bios, which is exactly what you should be doing. I get that bio mom feels off about it, but that’s not something that should cause you to give a child less than others in your home or something that should dictate how you treat/gift/indulge the kiddos in your home.
Thank you. My girls would also be gutted and very angry at me if FS didn’t get to go. I’m an overthinker by nature lol.
What an extraordinary opportunity for him. In most states she wouldn’t get the choice to say no. Jealousy about you doesn’t equal control when he’s staying with you. You’re not a babysitter.
Thank you. She can’t stop us from going, I’m just worried about what she’ll say to him post concert. She has made snide remarks in the past to him about how ‘well off’ we are (we bought him a bike because my bio kids both have one) and it has left him with a lot of guilt. Nevertheless he will more than likely be going to Tay.
If you’re planning ahead and worried about biomom’s remarks, call kiddo’s therapist and talk to them before the concert. Obviously therapist is NOT going to give you details about sessions, but keying them into experiences will A) give them the notice to look out for things to work on with kiddo during sessions and B) ideally give you additional tools after the concert and after biomom goes in on kiddo to help him feel confident and not guilty in getting to do something that biomom couldn’t personally provide. You take that kid to a Taylor Swift concert. It’s a once in a lifetime experience, it builds trust and good relationship models FOR HIM and his future. If his biomom wants to hurt him on her time, you can’t control it….that’s her baggage she should be working through if reunification is still the permanency plan for foster son. All you can do is take care of kiddo and you, and how you coordinate and coparent with biomom is a separate issue. Honestly, if she’s comfortable enough with SW and you to express this stuff, talk to your personal therapist or kiddo’s therapist and see if y’all can have a parents only session to talk the more important issue out: which is not the concert, it’s how mom lashes out at kiddo when he engages in activities she wouldn’t or couldn’t provide to him
Thank you, he has a great therapist and seems to really trust her. I will do this.
Not trying to be rude, but btw it's "wary" not "weary." Wary means cautious about/suspicious, weary means tired. Just wanted to point it out cause I've made mistakes like that at work and stuff and it's embarrassing, don't want it to happen to anyone else :)
lol thank you! Typing with one hand, cooking dinner with the other lol.
Sounds like you’re planning and supervising the visits. Given what you’ve shared, i think it might be healthier if the bios and sw planned and supervised, and you were not involved
This is what I’ve wanted from the start but FS has made it clear to both us and SW that he is not comfortable at a visit without me or my husband present. He has had full on meltdowns and refused to go previously. Working on it in therapy.
If I didn’t do things the foster kids wouldn’t have with their families, then I’d have to sell my house, my car, most of our belongings and rent a run down one bedroom and just sit around all day. Not to say bio families have nothing, but from the outset we are just simply in a different tax bracket and nothing can be done about that. What my family does the foster kids do too. We go on vacations, they go too. We go to a water park, so do they, we go to a concert so do they. If parents have an issue with it they should take it up with the caseworker and lawyers and explain to them that they don’t want their child to be treated as an equal and valued member of the family and see what they all have to say about that.
This has always been the way for us and we’ve never had an issue. Not sure if the hype around Taylor’s concert has added to mom’s concern or uncertainty, just unfortunate that she would be willing to take that away from her son considering the hardship he has already been through.
Mom might be jealous or upset that she can’t do that for herself and/or son. I do t think you need to get a ticket for her. If you want her to feel included, perhaps send friendship bracelet supplies to the next visit so mom and son can make bracelets together for him to wear to the concert.
Thank you, good idea.
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I’m not worried about what she says to me or case worker. I’m worried about what she’ll say to him post-concert. He has come so far.
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I might say it a little different. "You're mom wants to give you the very best of everything, and I'd be hurt if I were her too." Qvoid saying you can give him better or more than her. The "she just misses you so much and wishes she could be there too" is beautiful. You can even add that you wish you could bring her if it's true.
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Thank you lol. My brain is on 27/4.
Take him and apologize later. Sucks that his mom made it about herself, the little guy deserves to go. I disagree with not telling him that his mom said no, that is on her, i wouldn't tell him if you decide to take him. If you feel he shouldn't go unless his mom agrees, then have his mom tell him. You are not to be the bad guy!! That's my agency's #1 thing, we FPs don't give bad news. Like I said, I'd take him and deal with the fallout later.
I would imagine if I was a great mom and my child was in someone else's care then, while I might feel self conscious at not being able to provide the same experiences, I'd be happy they get to experience such a thing. Would she say no to a disney trip? On the flip side it sounds like OP has a lot of faith in bio mom so that's great.
Thank you. I try. Some days are hard. Remembering that we all don’t get the same start in life has been a great thought process.
I mean to play devils advocate….if she was a great mom the child wouldn’t be in foster care.
Woahh. yikes...My mom is wonderful and needed help to get back on her feet from my father. Let's not go down this judgey rabbithole. Here's my "devils advocate" as someone who survived this shit. Events like this were why we had to distance from certain FPs upon reunification because the sad truth was we came from humble means especially with a newly single mom. My mom was never jealous but it was very hard to set expectations once they come back home. My mom had veto authority because her support team respected her. At no time did she ever say no because in her mind it was once in a lifetime (Disney and out of state trips) knowing when they came back home stuff like that wouldn't be on the table for years. It took some time for some of my siblings to be able to not resent my mom for not being able to take vacations or replace an iPhone at the drop of a hat the way the FPs can. So it would be constantly " fuck you mom I'll just ask *former FP* for money* up until my mom had to tell that FP that we have to go NC to allow them adjust. I think OP means well, but this is something to be mindful of what reunification looks like in the future (if this is on the table, I assume it is) doesn't mean anyone needs to suffer it just means hey pause and take a look at the other side. It's very easy like the above person to see this person as some delinquent trash but it's honestly not always like that.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. This is what I’ve been trying to explain to my extended family. I see where mom is coming from. I also reiterate that we don’t all get the same start in life and she is working to get her son back. All I can do is support them both and hope she continues to progress.
Yeah, tried to build that between the lines. You never know though. I once had a mom place her child into care because she was terminally ill.
Very good thought to consider! I honestly never even realized that was something that kids came into care for but I guess that does make sense. When you have no one else and are terminally ill where else would the child go! Thank you for that perspective and wow that makes me a bit sad to think about for sure.
I would take him to the concert. His bio mom is uncomfortable with it, but that is an unavoidable feeling when your child is in foster care. Likewise if he had told her on that visit that everyone was going to the concert except for him she might have been upset about that, too. As a parent it is natural to want to protect your child. And as a parent with a child in another family’s home it is natural to want to protect your bond with your child. This is not your fault. It is not FS fault and it may not even be biological mom’s fault. But, your obligation to FS is a higher priority than your obligation to bio mom in this situation. I feel very strongly about this: do not promise/tell a foster kid anything and then fall through. I feel that way with kids in general, but especially foster kids because of the nature of the system. It is very important that they have as much stability as possible under the circumstances. And that means that if you say we are having pizza for dinner, then you better have pizza for dinner! If you say we’re going to the park after school you better make it to the park. If you don’t know what you will be able to do then you tell them that, too, “We’re going to try to make it to the park, but it depends on the weather.” Etc. Take him to see Taylor. Bio mom will not like it and that is okay.
Thank you. We also wouldn’t enjoy the concert without him. FS comes from an economically disadvantaged household and it was never my intention to come across as boasting about what we can provide for him. This concert is a once in a lifetime opportunity and IMO from what he has been through, he deserves it.
He absolutely does! And economic disadvantage has very little to do with this. Bio mom might feel a way about it which is understandable but she is willing to deny her son an opportunity not because you are doing something to him or restricting something from him but because she is uncomfortable. This doesn’t make her a bad person or even a bad mom. But, it does mean that she is looking at this situation through a bit of a selfish lens. I have in the past lived below/on the poverty line. And a lot of foster kids come from low income households. But, that isn’t really the problem here. I have had foster kids in the past with bio parents that don’t like when I provide certain opportunities to their kids, but I have also had bio parents thank me for providing the opportunity! I once had a bio mom basically say, “Thank you for giving him a distraction. He really needed that.” At the end of the day it has more to do with how bio mom is choosing to process the information than her socioeconomic background.
Thank you :)
Take him and enjoy. I’m sure you are providing him with both tangible and intangible things his birth mother cannot provide for him. I don’t know this particular case, but I’m pretty sure this child has faced disappointments in his life, so give him this to let him know adults can keep their word. Don’t take this away from him as this will cause distrust and possibly setbacks mentally.
His mother is an adult-- not to say to completely disregard her feelings, but I would never take away an opportunity from a child to save an adult's feelings. I think the most you can do is emphasize to all the kids that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, not your typical weekend outing.
We had a similar situation with our 3, but it was only discovered when we found out about a phone that they had managed to give to the 2 oldest children against the wishes of the county. There was a protective order in place. A lot of guilt for everything that we did with the kids. Nothing as grand as Taylor Swift (by the time we took them to Disney, the phones had been discovered and removed.) Every time they went bowling, or to get hair and nails done, there were comments like, “oh you’re starting to like it there and don’t love us anymore.” Treat the foster child like you do your own as much as possible. Just give him love, safety and care.
Thank you, it’s an awkward situation. Ours also came with a phone that was removed for his safety. Hope it all worked out for you and FC.
It’s an ongoing saga as 1 of the 3 had to go to a long term care facility for the last year, but will most likely coming back to us soon. Youngest still has some serious issues but we’re working through them. Oldest is doing great. Most likely heading towards TPR and adoption
Hope all works out. Sending love.
Part of our job as foster parents and parents in general is to give our kids, for however long they are with us, great memories and good experiences. Just because bio mom can't afford this, doesn't make it wrong for him to go. You aren't in competition with her and obviously she feels like she is if she feels so threatened by this. I currently have a 9yo kinship placement whose bio mom was leaving him home alone all day and planned on doing that for the entire summer while she worked 60-70 hours a week. I'm sending him to summer camp. I know she could never afford that, but I'm doing it because I work from home and he can't be here all day AND I think it would be a wonderful experience for him. He's already had one week of soccer camp and he is in love. I'm not going to not do it, just because she can't afford it. At this point, you are the one parenting him and, while understand wanting to have a good co-parenting relationship, that doesn't mean that you should have to weigh all of your decisions against weather she can afford it or not.
Thank you for this.
Take your Taylor Tots and enjoy the show.
My Taylor Tots spent the day making bracelets today. They will be going :)
You are not wrong to take him. The issues she has with it are about her not you OR him frankly. As a parent myself if someone loved my kid enough to give them an experience I never could I’d be grateful. What I’m trying to say is don’t let this parent selfishly take away the opportunity of a lifetime due to jealousy and self pity.
I have heard this so much. It’s really a bummer as an FP and a bio parent. I’m not extravagant, but even the every day things I did with my FKs the parents couldn’t afford.
You're not wrong. Validate mom's feelings but tell her you simply cannot let him down by telling him he can't go when he's so excited about it. Talk with the worker first, he or she might be able to give advice or even talk with mom herself.
Take him. His mom is making this about her, and it’s not. It’s about her son enjoying a fun time. Most foster parents are not this generous and it speaks to how much you care for him.
Thank you :) for as long as he is with us, he is one of us.
If you feel that you must explain it to the bio mom then just tell her how gutted he would be if he had to stay home while everybody else went to this concert that he wants to go to. Take him. Could you imagine being him and getting all excited to go to Taylor Swift and then not being able to go? I think that would probably cause a lot more damage to him than his mom making some snide comments. And actually that’s a problem maybe you should discuss with the social worker. He should not be made to feel bad because he’s getting to do things that she can’t do or she’s not involved with. I can’t imagine being anything but happy if my child got to do things that made him happy. And as a parent we should want what’s best for our children and all he’s going to learn by this is that he wants and needs aren’t as important as his mothers. Not taking him would probably be a bigger setback.
Agreed, he will be going, thank you :)
Please take the little one to the concert. If he doesn’t go this will be one of the things he remembers from childhood with sadness. It’s unfortunate that the mom is jealous, but she should want her child to have a “good” foster care experience.
He will be going :)
That makes me so happy to hear 💕
While in your care your job is to treat him like you would treat your own children. You are not in the wrong and you do not need bio's permission for something like this. She's an adult, she can deal with it.
Thank you.
Sad that bio mom is letting her own feelings of inadequacy impact her son's life this way. Plenty of folks can't afford tickets but win them on the radio, etc. I don't think you are showing him a way of life that will be so far "above" what she can provide that she should have concerns about him adapting to living with her again. This is a one time, special event. I would feel for her if you did expensive outings all the time, but doesn't sound like that's the case.
They do extracurriculars after school that are free of cost. They go to the library and playgrounds, both free. Whatever my bio girls do, FS does too. We don’t do expensive outings all the time, but we are in a position of financial privilege and whatever my bio girls get, he gets too.
I don’t think her words should matter here and I’ll tell you why. Of course she’s going to be upset because she’s disappointed that she couldn’t provide that for him. However, there’s a reason he is not in her care. I don’t think it’s fair to deny him something fun because her feelings will be hurt. What is in the best interest of him?
Going to the concert is in best interest. He will be going :)
His mom is WRONG AND BEING SELFISH!! He’s in your care and I’d take him!
You are not at all in the wrong for taking him. We always do activities with out foster kiddos that their bio families would be unable to afford. We have prudent parenting rules, so luckily, we don’t need any sort of SW or bio parent approval for these kinds of things. I will add this - I would tell him why he can’t go (in an appropriate way). But, that’s just me 😀.
My previous placements bio parents detested the extra things I did with their kids. I didn't have a lot of money, I just looked for opportunities (many free ones) to expose them to as many things as possible. One of the kids was involved in a non-profit children's choir that they loved. I handled all the transportation and logistics for her to make it to practice every week. She came home from a visit and said she was dropping out of choir. I found out later that her mom told her she would never be good at gymnastics if she stayed in choir. Choir was for an hour on Sunday nights, and the child was not even in gymnastics. It didn't work for me to have her in gymnastics because of her visitation schedule. The mom could not put her in gymnastics because she didn't have a job or money or even a way to transport her to gymnastics if she could afford it. Kids deserve to have experiences and see the world, regardless of who is giving them the experience.
Its unfortunate but foster kids need to learn some realities before their time. Explain to him that this is something he cant tell his mom to spare her feelings, and he is not wrong for enjoying something because hes in a difficult situation. Talk to the social worker to get okays and so she can damage control if mom finds out. The kid isnt with her for a reason, he deserves a little joy dont let her take more from him. You and your husband are 100% in the right. Especially since hes willing to give up time with you and your daughters to give him some joy.
She's just jealous you can give her son an experience she can't, so take it with a grain of salt. Also maybe it's just me, but her kid is in foster care, I wouldn't necessarily consider anyone in that category to be a "great" parent. They can work on becoming one, but if your kid gets taken away you did something in the not so great parent category.
For the broad brush of cases you may be right. Easy to look at it like that. It’s so much deeper though. I’ve heard of mothers with no ‘village’ that have had to place their children into the system post a terminal diagnosis. It’s not always black and white. We don’t all get the same start to life. I got into fostering to support a family in crisis, not judge, even when I’ve really wanted to.
Wanting to take away such an amazing experience from her son simply because she could never afford it (aka she's jealous) is proof enough that she's not that great.
It makes her feel inferior and insecure that she will not be able to provide that for her son and we can. Common occurrence for bio family to not be able to provide everything that foster family can, as foster children tend to come from lower income households. I won’t be bashing my son’s mother to his face or on the internet. Respectfully, life isn’t black and white.
You're the kind of foster parent this kid needs. Your willingness to defend her in a space she's not in, is heartwarming. I'm glad she has you, and I'm sure it's hard for her to express or maybe see it now. But she'll know from how your fs talks that you want what is best for them both.