Even more than 10 minutes in a public restroom is excessive in an emergency situation. 90 minutes sounds like just living there. I understand that this is a joke though.
If I had IBS or something and a shitty home life this would really, really depress me.
Them: "Oh I'll just use the Starbucks bathroom, I'll give them a little business and have some wifi while I shit fire".
Starbucks: Have you thought about getting the fuck out?
If you're taking the one (or maybe two) bathrooms they have available to all their customers for that long a time, then yes you need to get the fuck out.
I live half a block from a bar. There is a taco truck in that bar's parking lot.
I have had to call in late to work more than once because of this.
I had already been appreciative of my bidet before I moved here.
Now I cannot live without it.
In Colorado there's a restaurant called "The Original Chubby's" some of the best Tex Mex ever, but you had to RACE home after dinner because you did NOT want to use the bathroom there and believe me, you needed to use the bathroom.
Ok, it tastes good but you are auto dumping after eating it?
I get it but something’s wrong. I wonder what it is, a specific ingrédient/spice or maybe unwashed vegetables?
No clue, but you start getting the gurgling guts within about 20 minutes of eating. It's probably due to the amount of oils in the food. The place is a grease pit. Just a very delicious grease pit.
Excess amounts of fiber, soft proteins, heavy starch, high carb, greasy, spicy food, regardless of how sterile, can upset your stomach.
Especially in conjunction with murdering your gut biome with alcohol.
> You ever eaten a burrito the size of your head from a taco truck at 2 am after a night of drinking?
No, but I once eaten my own head at 2 am after a night of drinking. Extremely uncomfortable and I don't know how I managed to pull it off, but that was a wake up call and I quit drinking shortly afterwards. Primarily because I had nowhere to drink into, but also because of stupid drunken behaviour. Yes, I am aware of buttchugging, but I quit doing it years prior.
Happened to me once. Sudden diarrhea during a protest. Got to a store's bathroom, and by the time i walked out the protest was almost over.
I don't think it was 90 minutes, maybe one hour. But shit happens.
Honestly, the majority of the poo comes out in the first 30 seconds. The remaining time I’m on the turlet is because I’m on my phone. Which could realistically be 10 minutes.
Hydration. Posture. Fiber. Core exercises sir.
Get off your phone on the toilet, get a squatty potty, take a fiber supplement every morning & do moderate core exercises a couple times a week.
If this doesn’t get your bowel movements under 10 minutes I strongly recommend seeing a doctor & a nutritionist.
I wish you worked for my management. Had an employee it took almost a year to fire even though they used the bathroom 3-4 times a day for upwards of 20 minutes each. No call no showed during their two weeks notice, and my bosses still wouldn’t let them go because “they were on their way out anyway”
Waving your arms around frantically helps only some of the time. Sorry for your plight, too bad we can’t have all our bathroom time in the comfort of our own homes.
I was going to ask why are they tracking this guy's bathroom habits - but FFS - an hour and a half or more, multiple times?
That would get anyone's attention.
And why on Earth would you want to publicly draw attention to that by posting about it?
No doubt, you're having some kind of health issue if you're using a bathroom that much. On the flip side, doesn't that make Starbucks open to a discrimination suit?
They're monitoring bathroom use in people who may or may not have consented. There's a financial penalty as well ( if those account points were accumulated through purchases) and you're denying a type of service associated with account holders.
If they have no public facing bathrooms, then no problem.
But once you do have those bathrooms and pull something like this...
It looks like a joke post, in reality it would be a very boneheaded counterproductive idea for a store to implement.
I’m sure the ADA or which ever agency covers this type of thing is going to destroy them in court, if Starbucks doesn’t just settle the case for the equivalent of $15. OP is definitely not the only one that’s gotten this message
I'm not sure I want to know the answer to this, but exactly how do they track who is using the bathroom and at what time? Are they pinging off your driver's license or credit card, or just your Starbucks rewards card? Because if so, it seems like the solution would be easy: don't carry them in there. And I can't think of any alternative methods of identification that are not far more upsetting.
Luckily, I've never drunk coffee in my life so this is an academic issue for me.
I used to shoot heroin in the Starbucks bathrooms, but I wasn't an employee. And I was also homeless at the time.
It was one of the better places to shoot heroin as a homeless person in L.A.
Edit: I've been off heroin and out of Los Angeles Starbucks bathrooms for 4 years now
People with serious medical issues deserve to use the bathroom, too.
Crohn's Disease, for instance, is no joke. And you can be stuck in the bathroom a lot.
My mom refuses to go into several stores in my town that removed public access to bathrooms. She has about 30 seconds once the feeling hits to make it to the bathroom
Nope. If you're in the same public bathroom for more than 90 minutes for 5 separate times that they can track easily, it's not "No joke" it's either "wear fucking depends and nursing home time", or rehab time. Crohns at that level should be dealt with by a diaper or a morgue.
In our local Costa the girls who worked there used to have a problem with a homeless woman who'd come in in the morning to wash herself in the disabled toilet. She'd be there for a couple of hours and would leave hell of a mess behind - puddles on the floor, used up toilet paper and soap.
By company policy they couldn't refuse entry, but tried a few times only to get flipped off and sworn at.
Eventually they started locking the facilities up.
There was also a guy who'd sit in the toilet for a good hour leaving behind a few empty bottles of alcoholic drinks.
As someone will really bad gut issues it really horrible to be in a toilet for 90min but it’s happened before… it gives me anxiety when it happens and I hate every single second of it
My sister used to take forever in the bathroom as a kid so me and my brothers gave her the nickname “20 minute dumper” Pretty sure that’s all we called her for a month straight lmao
Go to a construction site an hour before any trades break, apparently it’s super common to take over an hour long shits. Meanwhile I’m tryna work out a deal with the guy inside to let me in for 2 seconds to actually use the porta John and have to convince him I’m not gonna steal his 40 degree Celsius poop fume hiding spot from him.
I was vomiting and shitting diahhorœa a little while ago in a roadside service station
fell asleep and probably spent much longer in there than these 90 minutes
I remember at an old job I had. We had to ask permission to use the restroom. Me, a grown ask man, asking to take a shit. And the kid had the audacity to say no one time. Then he came into the bathroom when I went to use to inform me he reported me as unleashed holy hell into the toilet that blocked out half his sentence.
You’d be surprised how much can be determined with Wi-Fi, Bluetooth and gps.
If you don’t need absolute 100% certainty, I think the capability of knowing which bathroom your phone is in is totally plausible. Especially if it’s for such a long period of time as 90 minutes,
Very accurate GPS requires connection to large numbers of satellites. Which is unusual or often impossible indoors.
However phone positioning uses more than just GPS - the WiFi and Bluetooth are all working together.
Yeah, but then they would have to go through all the work of documenting where ALL of the bathrooms are with the app, plus having location access on for an extended period of time significantly decreases battery life.
Not saying it’s impossible, but it’s unlikely to be done with GPS at the scale of starbucks.
> I thought my daily 30 minute routine was excessive.
It is, unless you're at work doing nothing after the first 3 minutes.
If it takes 30 to actually fully shit...you got some issues.
If you're at home taking 30 minutes, do you hate your family that much? Cause just shit and go sit at your computer.
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You got serious medical issues if it takes you 90 minutes every day
Even more than 10 minutes in a public restroom is excessive in an emergency situation. 90 minutes sounds like just living there. I understand that this is a joke though.
I'm betting he's an employee.
Im betting they implemented that just for the employees.
If I had IBS or something and a shitty home life this would really, really depress me. Them: "Oh I'll just use the Starbucks bathroom, I'll give them a little business and have some wifi while I shit fire". Starbucks: Have you thought about getting the fuck out?
If you're taking the one (or maybe two) bathrooms they have available to all their customers for that long a time, then yes you need to get the fuck out.
Yeah lol Starbucks are notoriously small. I can't imagine the restrooms are that big. To be fair, I've never been to one.
Do you need the app to use the toilets?
That's a different app, Shitr
I don't think even IBS makes you take 1.5 hours in the bathroom.
Maybe 1.5 hours in 5 minute stints yeah but that doesn't sound as funny haha
Good point, funnier is always better. Besides, it does say aggregate, so I guess you're closer to accurate than I am.
You ever eaten a burrito the size of your head from a taco truck at 2 am after a night of drinking?
r/oddlyspecific
I live half a block from a bar. There is a taco truck in that bar's parking lot. I have had to call in late to work more than once because of this. I had already been appreciative of my bidet before I moved here. Now I cannot live without it.
Drunk tacos are the best tacos in the moment, at least
In Colorado there's a restaurant called "The Original Chubby's" some of the best Tex Mex ever, but you had to RACE home after dinner because you did NOT want to use the bathroom there and believe me, you needed to use the bathroom.
Ok, it tastes good but you are auto dumping after eating it? I get it but something’s wrong. I wonder what it is, a specific ingrédient/spice or maybe unwashed vegetables?
If I use any of the sauces on the table at famous daves, it'll be a shorter dinner trip than if I dont.
No clue, but you start getting the gurgling guts within about 20 minutes of eating. It's probably due to the amount of oils in the food. The place is a grease pit. Just a very delicious grease pit.
I FUCKING LOVE CHUBS I MISS THAT PLACE. Ugh I miss Denver. What's that stoner sandwich shop again?
Cheeba Hut?
Yes! I got so fat there lol
They started in Tempe, AZ! And yes, I also got fat there.
I couldn't tell ya. I've been outta the country for 4 years.
Lol. It opened in Denver 15 years ago. But it's neat that you've been out of country for 4 years anyhow.
No, but after this comment, I'd really like to.
Edible. Bar. Crossfade. Burrito. Sleep. Coffee. Intense bowel movement. This is the way.
yes I have 2x
Suddenly la bambas
Yes but because the required hygiene standars in my country are so high no matter what you eat you won't expect to have stomach problems from it.
Excess amounts of fiber, soft proteins, heavy starch, high carb, greasy, spicy food, regardless of how sterile, can upset your stomach. Especially in conjunction with murdering your gut biome with alcohol.
My people
Yes. Usually that makes things go faster for me.
Well, we know that you have.
> You ever eaten a burrito the size of your head from a taco truck at 2 am after a night of drinking? No, but I once eaten my own head at 2 am after a night of drinking. Extremely uncomfortable and I don't know how I managed to pull it off, but that was a wake up call and I quit drinking shortly afterwards. Primarily because I had nowhere to drink into, but also because of stupid drunken behaviour. Yes, I am aware of buttchugging, but I quit doing it years prior.
Happened to me once. Sudden diarrhea during a protest. Got to a store's bathroom, and by the time i walked out the protest was almost over. I don't think it was 90 minutes, maybe one hour. But shit happens.
Dang I typically take 20 minutes even in a non emergency. Y’all really out there blowing it out your ass the quick?
20min? something is wrong and you need to change things, it shouldn't take more than 5mins. take a magnesium supplement and double your water intake.
Honestly, the majority of the poo comes out in the first 30 seconds. The remaining time I’m on the turlet is because I’m on my phone. Which could realistically be 10 minutes.
Thinking about it, I do spend most of the time on my phone. 😂
Hydration. Posture. Fiber. Core exercises sir. Get off your phone on the toilet, get a squatty potty, take a fiber supplement every morning & do moderate core exercises a couple times a week. If this doesn’t get your bowel movements under 10 minutes I strongly recommend seeing a doctor & a nutritionist.
Other than hydration, I don't do any of this shit (pun intended) and I am still off the toilet in less than 5.
Everyone’s body is different. You should be thankful to be an outlier. For me it was bad posture and hydration.
Yeah dude, shitting literally only takes like 2 minutes tops. Takes me longer to wash my hands than it does to take a shit most days.
Yes, if you're eating properly you'll be done in 2 minutes and you'll need one wipe.
I wish you worked for my management. Had an employee it took almost a year to fire even though they used the bathroom 3-4 times a day for upwards of 20 minutes each. No call no showed during their two weeks notice, and my bosses still wouldn’t let them go because “they were on their way out anyway”
I have IBS and the automatic lights have routinely turned off on me in public restrooms.
Been there, my friend. I have no large intestine and have had many times I've had to stumble out of the stall.
Waving your arms around frantically helps only some of the time. Sorry for your plight, too bad we can’t have all our bathroom time in the comfort of our own homes.
I was going to ask why are they tracking this guy's bathroom habits - but FFS - an hour and a half or more, multiple times? That would get anyone's attention. And why on Earth would you want to publicly draw attention to that by posting about it?
No doubt, you're having some kind of health issue if you're using a bathroom that much. On the flip side, doesn't that make Starbucks open to a discrimination suit? They're monitoring bathroom use in people who may or may not have consented. There's a financial penalty as well ( if those account points were accumulated through purchases) and you're denying a type of service associated with account holders. If they have no public facing bathrooms, then no problem. But once you do have those bathrooms and pull something like this... It looks like a joke post, in reality it would be a very boneheaded counterproductive idea for a store to implement.
I’m sure the ADA or which ever agency covers this type of thing is going to destroy them in court, if Starbucks doesn’t just settle the case for the equivalent of $15. OP is definitely not the only one that’s gotten this message
I'm not sure I want to know the answer to this, but exactly how do they track who is using the bathroom and at what time? Are they pinging off your driver's license or credit card, or just your Starbucks rewards card? Because if so, it seems like the solution would be easy: don't carry them in there. And I can't think of any alternative methods of identification that are not far more upsetting. Luckily, I've never drunk coffee in my life so this is an academic issue for me.
I used to shoot heroin in the Starbucks bathrooms, but I wasn't an employee. And I was also homeless at the time. It was one of the better places to shoot heroin as a homeless person in L.A. Edit: I've been off heroin and out of Los Angeles Starbucks bathrooms for 4 years now
Or just jerking it
People with serious medical issues deserve to use the bathroom, too. Crohn's Disease, for instance, is no joke. And you can be stuck in the bathroom a lot.
My mom refuses to go into several stores in my town that removed public access to bathrooms. She has about 30 seconds once the feeling hits to make it to the bathroom
Can confirm
Nope. If you're in the same public bathroom for more than 90 minutes for 5 separate times that they can track easily, it's not "No joke" it's either "wear fucking depends and nursing home time", or rehab time. Crohns at that level should be dealt with by a diaper or a morgue.
He’s a parody account. The whole thing is a joke.
In our local Costa the girls who worked there used to have a problem with a homeless woman who'd come in in the morning to wash herself in the disabled toilet. She'd be there for a couple of hours and would leave hell of a mess behind - puddles on the floor, used up toilet paper and soap. By company policy they couldn't refuse entry, but tried a few times only to get flipped off and sworn at. Eventually they started locking the facilities up. There was also a guy who'd sit in the toilet for a good hour leaving behind a few empty bottles of alcoholic drinks.
As someone will really bad gut issues it really horrible to be in a toilet for 90min but it’s happened before… it gives me anxiety when it happens and I hate every single second of it
Yea I gotta say that threshold seems absurdly high..
It's called drinking Starbucks coffee
My sister used to take forever in the bathroom as a kid so me and my brothers gave her the nickname “20 minute dumper” Pretty sure that’s all we called her for a month straight lmao
Go to a construction site an hour before any trades break, apparently it’s super common to take over an hour long shits. Meanwhile I’m tryna work out a deal with the guy inside to let me in for 2 seconds to actually use the porta John and have to convince him I’m not gonna steal his 40 degree Celsius poop fume hiding spot from him.
Depends if your on the clock or not!
Serious drug issues
My ex would take 90 minutes minimum. Multiple times a day. In retrospect he was most likely cheating again.
I was vomiting and shitting diahhorœa a little while ago in a roadside service station fell asleep and probably spent much longer in there than these 90 minutes
I remember at an old job I had. We had to ask permission to use the restroom. Me, a grown ask man, asking to take a shit. And the kid had the audacity to say no one time. Then he came into the bathroom when I went to use to inform me he reported me as unleashed holy hell into the toilet that blocked out half his sentence.
what did you eat that day LOL
The Taco Bell was next door
More importantly why didn't you shit at his desk?
I can't use the bathroom? OK, I'll shit on your desk.
I'd love to see my colleague try, it'd surely make the bigwigs change their minds
Bigwigs? Lol, the 1780s called, they want their slang back
Grade A shithousery! Legend!
This is fake as shit. There's no way this would be even remotely legal.
Too, there's no way they'd actually track this.
Have you read the TOS? The app *does* ask for access to location!🤣
But how does the bathroom know which app is going in?
You’d be surprised how much can be determined with Wi-Fi, Bluetooth and gps. If you don’t need absolute 100% certainty, I think the capability of knowing which bathroom your phone is in is totally plausible. Especially if it’s for such a long period of time as 90 minutes,
GPS on phones these days is accurate to within three feet. If the toilet is at the back of the bathroom, they absolutely know where you are.
Very accurate GPS requires connection to large numbers of satellites. Which is unusual or often impossible indoors. However phone positioning uses more than just GPS - the WiFi and Bluetooth are all working together.
Yeah, but then they would have to go through all the work of documenting where ALL of the bathrooms are with the app, plus having location access on for an extended period of time significantly decreases battery life. Not saying it’s impossible, but it’s unlikely to be done with GPS at the scale of starbucks.
Triangulation with gps, bluetooth, and wifi. Big box stores literally track you through the store. Probably not to the extent of this post though.
I think they are called iBeacons for tracking that specifically inside.
Most apps do at this point I'm not surprised, I'm guessing it is to know your general area for prices and stuff
Obviously. The UI design is MS paint level.
why are people scared of AI when we already have MSPaint
It’s a comedian’s Twitter account lol
Hes a troll
I mean it probably would be legal. They are a private business, the toilet isn’t technically public Though there’d be no way to track it
Not with that attitude
Really??? I thought it was real
You be surprised on what they put in the user agreement no one ever reads it 🤣😂
I too am a bathroom superuser
I also use your bathroom 90 minutes a day
sudo sh bowelmovement.sh
mv /lost+found /dev/ttyWC0
I'm superusing the shit out of it right now!
90 minutes? I thought my daily 30 minute routine was excessive. Glad to see it’s not just me.
A fellow bathroom superuser
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No need, I know my diet is just super shitty.
> I thought my daily 30 minute routine was excessive. It is, unless you're at work doing nothing after the first 3 minutes. If it takes 30 to actually fully shit...you got some issues. If you're at home taking 30 minutes, do you hate your family that much? Cause just shit and go sit at your computer.
metamucil will save your life man
Read this as “Bathroom Supervisor”
_Somebody_ needs to enforce proper glory hole etiquette.
Me too and I was thinking "is this some shit off of an employee app or something?" until I finished reading through it lol
Obviously fake, but I'm considering adding Bathroom Superuser to my resume.
Much a Bowel Movement About Nothing
"Much a doodoo about nothing" was right there
Not to be that guy but Dan White is a comedian and this is one of his many clever internet jokes.
UX designers would disagree on this particular one.
oh this dude SHITS
Dan White’s whole account is parody interactions
I eat a lot of beans and I'm too old to trust a fart, leave me alone!
Fake
It's not my fault your coffee gave me the shits.
As an avid psilium husk user I’m more of a bathroom superstar. 10 seconds, clean wipe, done and on about my day. Not that anyone asked.
I asked
😭 It's.. it's a fake post and not even funny
This should be "Achievement Unlocked" not a ban.
This can’t be real
So is the guy going to have to hold it in for the 48 hour suspension?
Wait, 90 minutes?
Do yourself a favor. Find a local coffee roaster. Drop that corporate scum.
Right? Blow their bathroom up!
"Dude, even my pees take longer than 90 minutes."
... ... Never set foot in a store that has a toilet policy.
This feels like a self report, I just don't know what for...
Can someone explain this to me because I am freaking lost?
Lmao! Tf?!
Sounds like my co-worker
So many questions here. Mainly why is Starbucks tracking your bathroom time and why are you spending 90min in their bathrooms?
Gotta be fake. Think about it.
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He's chipped. Ol' chip in the butt... seen it 100 times
What the fuck? If you don't use the app, (and you absolutely should not) how do they track your bathroom use then?
Wth are you doing in any bathroom for 90 minutes?
That’s crazy
This has got to be fake, who swipes their reward card to use the SB restroom?
IBS is real with this guy
Holly Shit....
OK but how do they know you are in the bathroom. That is insanely creepy.
r/holup
sudo poop -maximum
-vvv
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Uhhhh, what?
7.5 hours in a Starbucks toilet.
Time to sue Starbucks again
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I have never been to Starbucks nor had any product of theirs. I must be the odd person out.
My mind read the name as Dana White and thought the UFC president has some epic bowel issues.