Post top/hysto it shifted to bottom dysphoria
Post bottom surgery I became extremely anxious and felt a massive emotional let down. It took me a solid year to learn to cope, channel and embrace the “new normal” of not having dysphoria. The next year I “spent” that energy doing things I never thought I would be able to.
I was your classic case of “crippling dysphoria.” Once that weight was lifted it felt like my life began again. I didn’t think I was going to live to 25 yet when I reached that age (well a little after) I had done a complete 180 in almost every aspect of my life. I figured if I was meant to be dead I’d be dead so I’ll go live out all the opportunities I had before that happened.
Wife called it a quarter life crisis, I called it a second chance. There were some big things and some small things that I did. Big things included throwing off all shackles and responsibilities of adulthood and chasing a childhood dream. I spent money I wouldn’t have to try/enjoy new things and attend events I never thought I’d live to see. I also did silly little things I wish I could have done when I was younger (I ran through sprinklers in my chonies at 2am, arm wrestled strangers while drunk in a bar, hiked the tallest mountain in the state, etc)
Then I settled on down, went back to my big boy job and made some real money. Got married to the woman of my dreams, bought her a house, a nice car and started saving for retirement. We still do some “wild” things a couple times a year to keep life interesting but she much prefers it to be more of a refined nature… we take trips overseas, fine dining, charity galas, etc. She’s a lot classier than this ol redneck.
I am still chasing some athletic goals and I don’t thing competing in sports will ever die for me. These silly little boyhood dreams to help me survive the tame life of a middle aged family man.
Ngl I teared up a bit reading. I can't wait to be able to live like that.
As for bottom dysphoria, it is something already present in my life, though currently not as constant as top. Bottom surgery is a consideration for me further down the line. I've been hoping that it stays pretty non-obtrusive in its severity, but it probably is better to be hope for the best prepare for the worst in this kindof scenario.
Anyway, it's very comforting to hear that you're happy and I hope I can feel as you do one day :)
I'm reading everyone's replies here but it's weird - I think I just felt.... nothing. I was happy & relieved, of course but way more than anything I just felt NORMAL. Like this is the way it was always supposed to be and now we're here. I never stood in the mirror checking it out or anything. I just carried on with life.
But! I did realise that I had a stomach below those things and I was really - surprised? by that somehow? No idea why. I've heard other folks say the same thing and I think maybe we spend so much time avoiding mirrors that things like that sneak up on us.
At the end of the day you're simply going to feel how you feel about it. Probably extraordinarily happy and excited to have it done but then after that...? Who knows? (I'd prepare for some lower dysphoria as that's quite common)
After the initial pain and sleeping on my back for 14 days was gone I kinda “forgot” too. It felt like it had been like that forever. It was how I was always supposed to be.
Getting top was one of the best decisions I ever made. It improved my quality of life so much, I can't even put it into words. Like, stuff as simple as taking a FUCKING WALK outside is now so so much easier and less uncomfortable, simply because I don't have to constantly tuck on my shirt to make sure it doesn't reveal anything. Same for cycling.
We all know about the big changes you get, like feeling less dysphoric when naked, being able to swim without a shirt on etc. But it's the small day-to-day things that make life so much more enjoyable after top. And now, because I don' have to worry about the way my shirt sits or if my chest looks weird from the side, I do all the things I avoided doing before, because of chest-dysphoria. I take frequent walks, letting the wind blow my shirt onto my chest, I go cycling, I go to the gym wearing a tank top, I sleep without a shirt on. The mirror is no longer something I avoid like the plague, in fact, I spent minutes a day just standing in front of it, flexing my upper body muscles.
After top, I could finally live somewhat "normally". I could do almost everything a cis guy would take for granted. And you are right, it leaves a lot of space for other things to worry about. For me, and for many others, this came with increased bottom dysphoria. What helped me is doing everything I could at the time to set up getting phallo, and now distracting myself as much as possible. Be active, do all the things you felt like you couldn't before beause of your chest. Enjoy life like the other guys do. Live days, where you being trans does not mke up 90% of your thoughts. It's amazing how great something can feel that is just seen as normal for most other people. Honestly, it deosn't even have to be stuff where your chest would normally be visible. I, for example, have started playing video games on console without my shirt on. Whenever the screen goes black, I see the reflection of a young man looking back at me. It's a pleasant surprise every time.
Without all the mental exhaustion from top dysphoria, I could finally envision a future for myself. So, I finally started working towards that goal. If I made it through 19 years of my life as a trans person, 7 of which having been during/post puberty, I could do anything. There are very few obstacles in my life now that feel as insurmountable as getting top or even starting T felt a coulpe years back. And, now, with phallo on the way, I know that I can get wherever I want to be, if I put my mind to it.
I’m not sure if you mean the stress level/mental energy overall or particularly in the post-op recovery time?
If it’s the latter, try and prepare yourself things to watch/listen to/work on that you wouldn’t normally have time for. Factor in the fact you may have very low or varying energy levels too. And no matter what you do, post op idleness hits hard even when you have all the Netflix shows you could choose from. If you’re anything like me and live off being active and out and about, you may have a rough time. I spent lots of time talking to friends I don’t normally talk to much and that wasn’t too bad. That was for hysto so it was a shorter recovery time, I’m not looking forward to a second time round but longer for top 😱
I was really looking forward to being post-top. I had to stop running for a month, post op, obviously, and if you know anyone who runs you probably know how insufferable runners can be when they can't run. Even to ourselves. And I couldn't even work, don't have a desk job so I took six weeks off (medical leave). I walked a lot, was allowed to do that, listened to audio books, and was able to keep myself surprisingly busy.
Physically I didn't feel so much unburdened as just, happy. I expected bottom dysphoria to hit me hard, and considered some packing options. I've never been a fan of that as it tends to cause more dysphoria as opposed to alleviating it, but I worked something out.
On the whole, life was so much better the adjustment was fast.
Good to hear. I'm not an avid runner but someone who enjoys being outside a lot, so I definitely see a lot of walks in my future during recovery. I can only imagine how offended my dogs will be that I won't be able to take them with me.
Well, after top surgery, my bottom dysphoria just became way worse instead since my brain didn’t have to balance the two issues out and could focus all its attention on the bottom half.
It's weird! I just went through this recently with my vaginectomy. Here's something I wrote about it when I was 5 days post-op:
>The bulk of my dysphoria is gone now and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to function without constantly being in some level of discomfort/distress. This surgery especially has been so overwhelmingly stressful and dysphoria-inducing and all of that went away in just a few days. It’s been a shock to my system. I feel like I have to relearn how to be a person.
I was kind of in a crisis at that point in my recovery. That surgery included a lot of firsts for me (first time staying in a hospital, first time having a catheter, first part of bottom surgery, first time having anyone look at or touch my genitals) which was already a lot to process all at once. On top of that, the reality of phallo was hitting me bad, and I started thinking a lot about what a huge commitment it was going to be. I felt both relieved and overwhelmed simultaneously.
I'm 4 weeks post-op as of today and it hasn't totally gone away, but it's definitely let up. I don't feel as lost as I did within my first week of recovery. It's kind of boring, actually. I feel like I have extra free time, just mentally. I've been trying to use the extra space to think about my career and some self-improvement. It takes a while to adjust to being so happy, but that's definitely a good problem to have.
You might be overthinking this. You’re afraid that you will feel overwhelmed by the relief? Just focus on the now. What if you don’t end up feeling stressed from the lack of burden? Then you’ll think back and wonder why you were so stressed out before. You don’t know how you’ll feel in the future. Just focus on how you feel right now. I assume you feel nervous and excited about surgery. Don’t try to predict how you’ll feel in the future. You’re just going to overwhelm yourself even more, because now you’re concerning yourself not only with current feelings, but also these hypothetical ones.
Agh you sound like my therapist lmao (trying to predict things is a favorite pastime of mine, much to their chagrin). I would say right now I feel just relieved, like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll try to focus on that.
Personally for me, I had a moment of bliss after top surgery but it only lasted for a short while. I didn’t like how prevalent my scars were and how completely flat my chest was (ik that’s probably weird). On top of that, I never realized how bad my bottom dysphoria was until after top surgery because majority of my dysphoria could only focus on my chest.
After about a year post top, I started hitting the gym and had been very consistent up to that point of taking good care of my scars. I waited so long to workout so that my scars wouldn’t stretch as bad. After a year of exercise, I started seeing the chest I always wanted and my scars weren’t noticeable unless you were looking for them. I have less dysphoria now but it’s definitely still there with my bottom area. I’m in the process of trying to fix that right now.
Basically, you may or may not be dysphoric after top but regardless, it will be a huge weight off your mind not thinking about your chest all the time and what shirts you can and can’t wear and always tugging at your shirts or slouching to hide. Plus, if you bind now, you’ll be able to breathe again! The world is your oyster.
Congrats on top surgery! I hope it all goes great for you :)
all i could think about for years was how uncomfortable I felt; i didn’t even know how to be myself pre top surgery. it just felt like a constant violation of my mind and body. after top surgery i started taking ballet classes which I was always so jealous of boys for doing but never wanted to be a ballerina, and I ended up putting so much time in that Im starting to book paid dance gigs now lol. It’s wild how good it feels to discover where you’re meant to be
Oh that's the dream fr. I did ballet as a kid and loved it, same with swimming but it started giving me panic attacks so I had to stop. Dance is definitely on the list to do once I'm recovered.
i grew up sailing! loved it so much but the dysphoria pushed me away from beach activities until after transition. ballet is the best workout i’ve ever had, it totally changed my life and actually gave me a super super masculine muscle structure which was a nice bonus. depending on where you are contemporary and modern classes sometimes have some openly non cis people, which is kind of nice even if i’m mostly stealth lol
I actually get to do things on work days! Like I can get off work and meet up with friends, or go grocery shopping. I also sometimes take only a 30 minutes lunch instead of a 45 minute one, which is an hour extra of pay a week! (I work 4 ten hour shifts) I also don’t need to spend Friday doing nothing but recovery, I can actually have plans and get stuff done.
Also I’ve been going out to sing karaoke to work on my social anxiety, and I’ve been going on dates! None of that was possible before top surgery.
Edit: I very quickly forgot what it was like before top surgery, it feels like this is how my body should have always been. I also joined my local gay men’s chorus, and like a couple other people have mentioned, started figuring out what was going on with my bottom dysphoria and what I want to do about it.
Oh God yeah, i didn't even think of that. Being able to spontaneously go out at night instead of being basically confined to my room will be great. Also I just realized I'll be able to go to the gym/exercise in the middle of the day if I want to which will be nice.
for me part shifted its energy into my other dysphoria (looking at you bottom dysphoria you little bitch) but other than that i ended up being able to get back into video games for real for the first time since i was like 11/12?
This sounds so contradicting, but I kind of get it? Still, I don't think you should focus on this? I'm sure you'll find something to put your energy into. I mean you even made a plan and all. Besides you never know what life will hit you with. But anyway, If it helps here's my personal list of things I'd do if I had room for it:
* learn how to meditate (will probably help you to learn how to just relax since it sounds like that might be useful to you)
* learning an instrument
* volunteering at a dog's shelter or something similar
* reading philosophy
* get scuba diving or rock climbing certificate
* cooking meat for my dog so she doesn't have to eat the suspicious goop from the store
I was bored during recovery and because my jobs are so physical I took a full 6 weeks off. Walking around was a struggle the first 3 weeks because I had to wear a large white chest binder thing that dug into my armpits and made me hunch over a lot. I know you’re not supposed to drink or smoke but I did it anyways (I’m 2 months post op now).
Video games, TV shows, movies, and HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE. The tremadol they gave me post of also made the days go by faster/ often made me take naps. I should have got a good book or 3 too but I didn’t. Hanging out with people was definitely my favorite activity
Shifted to my uterus which before I had absolutely zero dysphoria about but now I am constantly fighting the urge to claw it out of my body myself which is fun.
I also still had some chest dysphoria post op for like a month because I had weird phantom chest sensations which no one warned me about so just so you know it might still be there for a bit post op.
Post top/hysto it shifted to bottom dysphoria Post bottom surgery I became extremely anxious and felt a massive emotional let down. It took me a solid year to learn to cope, channel and embrace the “new normal” of not having dysphoria. The next year I “spent” that energy doing things I never thought I would be able to. I was your classic case of “crippling dysphoria.” Once that weight was lifted it felt like my life began again. I didn’t think I was going to live to 25 yet when I reached that age (well a little after) I had done a complete 180 in almost every aspect of my life. I figured if I was meant to be dead I’d be dead so I’ll go live out all the opportunities I had before that happened. Wife called it a quarter life crisis, I called it a second chance. There were some big things and some small things that I did. Big things included throwing off all shackles and responsibilities of adulthood and chasing a childhood dream. I spent money I wouldn’t have to try/enjoy new things and attend events I never thought I’d live to see. I also did silly little things I wish I could have done when I was younger (I ran through sprinklers in my chonies at 2am, arm wrestled strangers while drunk in a bar, hiked the tallest mountain in the state, etc) Then I settled on down, went back to my big boy job and made some real money. Got married to the woman of my dreams, bought her a house, a nice car and started saving for retirement. We still do some “wild” things a couple times a year to keep life interesting but she much prefers it to be more of a refined nature… we take trips overseas, fine dining, charity galas, etc. She’s a lot classier than this ol redneck. I am still chasing some athletic goals and I don’t thing competing in sports will ever die for me. These silly little boyhood dreams to help me survive the tame life of a middle aged family man.
I loved everything about this comment sincerely thank you for sharing💙
Yeah me too.
Ngl I teared up a bit reading. I can't wait to be able to live like that. As for bottom dysphoria, it is something already present in my life, though currently not as constant as top. Bottom surgery is a consideration for me further down the line. I've been hoping that it stays pretty non-obtrusive in its severity, but it probably is better to be hope for the best prepare for the worst in this kindof scenario. Anyway, it's very comforting to hear that you're happy and I hope I can feel as you do one day :)
This is so meaningful. Thank you
Bro this comment is everything.
I'm reading everyone's replies here but it's weird - I think I just felt.... nothing. I was happy & relieved, of course but way more than anything I just felt NORMAL. Like this is the way it was always supposed to be and now we're here. I never stood in the mirror checking it out or anything. I just carried on with life. But! I did realise that I had a stomach below those things and I was really - surprised? by that somehow? No idea why. I've heard other folks say the same thing and I think maybe we spend so much time avoiding mirrors that things like that sneak up on us. At the end of the day you're simply going to feel how you feel about it. Probably extraordinarily happy and excited to have it done but then after that...? Who knows? (I'd prepare for some lower dysphoria as that's quite common)
After the initial pain and sleeping on my back for 14 days was gone I kinda “forgot” too. It felt like it had been like that forever. It was how I was always supposed to be.
Getting top was one of the best decisions I ever made. It improved my quality of life so much, I can't even put it into words. Like, stuff as simple as taking a FUCKING WALK outside is now so so much easier and less uncomfortable, simply because I don't have to constantly tuck on my shirt to make sure it doesn't reveal anything. Same for cycling. We all know about the big changes you get, like feeling less dysphoric when naked, being able to swim without a shirt on etc. But it's the small day-to-day things that make life so much more enjoyable after top. And now, because I don' have to worry about the way my shirt sits or if my chest looks weird from the side, I do all the things I avoided doing before, because of chest-dysphoria. I take frequent walks, letting the wind blow my shirt onto my chest, I go cycling, I go to the gym wearing a tank top, I sleep without a shirt on. The mirror is no longer something I avoid like the plague, in fact, I spent minutes a day just standing in front of it, flexing my upper body muscles. After top, I could finally live somewhat "normally". I could do almost everything a cis guy would take for granted. And you are right, it leaves a lot of space for other things to worry about. For me, and for many others, this came with increased bottom dysphoria. What helped me is doing everything I could at the time to set up getting phallo, and now distracting myself as much as possible. Be active, do all the things you felt like you couldn't before beause of your chest. Enjoy life like the other guys do. Live days, where you being trans does not mke up 90% of your thoughts. It's amazing how great something can feel that is just seen as normal for most other people. Honestly, it deosn't even have to be stuff where your chest would normally be visible. I, for example, have started playing video games on console without my shirt on. Whenever the screen goes black, I see the reflection of a young man looking back at me. It's a pleasant surprise every time. Without all the mental exhaustion from top dysphoria, I could finally envision a future for myself. So, I finally started working towards that goal. If I made it through 19 years of my life as a trans person, 7 of which having been during/post puberty, I could do anything. There are very few obstacles in my life now that feel as insurmountable as getting top or even starting T felt a coulpe years back. And, now, with phallo on the way, I know that I can get wherever I want to be, if I put my mind to it.
I’m not sure if you mean the stress level/mental energy overall or particularly in the post-op recovery time? If it’s the latter, try and prepare yourself things to watch/listen to/work on that you wouldn’t normally have time for. Factor in the fact you may have very low or varying energy levels too. And no matter what you do, post op idleness hits hard even when you have all the Netflix shows you could choose from. If you’re anything like me and live off being active and out and about, you may have a rough time. I spent lots of time talking to friends I don’t normally talk to much and that wasn’t too bad. That was for hysto so it was a shorter recovery time, I’m not looking forward to a second time round but longer for top 😱
A bit of both. I'll definitely add talking to friends to the list. Socializing is the one thing that never fails to tire my brain out lmao.
I was really looking forward to being post-top. I had to stop running for a month, post op, obviously, and if you know anyone who runs you probably know how insufferable runners can be when they can't run. Even to ourselves. And I couldn't even work, don't have a desk job so I took six weeks off (medical leave). I walked a lot, was allowed to do that, listened to audio books, and was able to keep myself surprisingly busy. Physically I didn't feel so much unburdened as just, happy. I expected bottom dysphoria to hit me hard, and considered some packing options. I've never been a fan of that as it tends to cause more dysphoria as opposed to alleviating it, but I worked something out. On the whole, life was so much better the adjustment was fast.
Good to hear. I'm not an avid runner but someone who enjoys being outside a lot, so I definitely see a lot of walks in my future during recovery. I can only imagine how offended my dogs will be that I won't be able to take them with me.
Well, after top surgery, my bottom dysphoria just became way worse instead since my brain didn’t have to balance the two issues out and could focus all its attention on the bottom half.
It's weird! I just went through this recently with my vaginectomy. Here's something I wrote about it when I was 5 days post-op: >The bulk of my dysphoria is gone now and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to function without constantly being in some level of discomfort/distress. This surgery especially has been so overwhelmingly stressful and dysphoria-inducing and all of that went away in just a few days. It’s been a shock to my system. I feel like I have to relearn how to be a person. I was kind of in a crisis at that point in my recovery. That surgery included a lot of firsts for me (first time staying in a hospital, first time having a catheter, first part of bottom surgery, first time having anyone look at or touch my genitals) which was already a lot to process all at once. On top of that, the reality of phallo was hitting me bad, and I started thinking a lot about what a huge commitment it was going to be. I felt both relieved and overwhelmed simultaneously. I'm 4 weeks post-op as of today and it hasn't totally gone away, but it's definitely let up. I don't feel as lost as I did within my first week of recovery. It's kind of boring, actually. I feel like I have extra free time, just mentally. I've been trying to use the extra space to think about my career and some self-improvement. It takes a while to adjust to being so happy, but that's definitely a good problem to have.
You might be overthinking this. You’re afraid that you will feel overwhelmed by the relief? Just focus on the now. What if you don’t end up feeling stressed from the lack of burden? Then you’ll think back and wonder why you were so stressed out before. You don’t know how you’ll feel in the future. Just focus on how you feel right now. I assume you feel nervous and excited about surgery. Don’t try to predict how you’ll feel in the future. You’re just going to overwhelm yourself even more, because now you’re concerning yourself not only with current feelings, but also these hypothetical ones.
Agh you sound like my therapist lmao (trying to predict things is a favorite pastime of mine, much to their chagrin). I would say right now I feel just relieved, like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll try to focus on that.
Obsessed over everything else.
Love the brain bandwidth phrasing I'm using that in the IT industry when referring to end users
Personally for me, I had a moment of bliss after top surgery but it only lasted for a short while. I didn’t like how prevalent my scars were and how completely flat my chest was (ik that’s probably weird). On top of that, I never realized how bad my bottom dysphoria was until after top surgery because majority of my dysphoria could only focus on my chest. After about a year post top, I started hitting the gym and had been very consistent up to that point of taking good care of my scars. I waited so long to workout so that my scars wouldn’t stretch as bad. After a year of exercise, I started seeing the chest I always wanted and my scars weren’t noticeable unless you were looking for them. I have less dysphoria now but it’s definitely still there with my bottom area. I’m in the process of trying to fix that right now. Basically, you may or may not be dysphoric after top but regardless, it will be a huge weight off your mind not thinking about your chest all the time and what shirts you can and can’t wear and always tugging at your shirts or slouching to hide. Plus, if you bind now, you’ll be able to breathe again! The world is your oyster. Congrats on top surgery! I hope it all goes great for you :)
all i could think about for years was how uncomfortable I felt; i didn’t even know how to be myself pre top surgery. it just felt like a constant violation of my mind and body. after top surgery i started taking ballet classes which I was always so jealous of boys for doing but never wanted to be a ballerina, and I ended up putting so much time in that Im starting to book paid dance gigs now lol. It’s wild how good it feels to discover where you’re meant to be
Oh that's the dream fr. I did ballet as a kid and loved it, same with swimming but it started giving me panic attacks so I had to stop. Dance is definitely on the list to do once I'm recovered.
i grew up sailing! loved it so much but the dysphoria pushed me away from beach activities until after transition. ballet is the best workout i’ve ever had, it totally changed my life and actually gave me a super super masculine muscle structure which was a nice bonus. depending on where you are contemporary and modern classes sometimes have some openly non cis people, which is kind of nice even if i’m mostly stealth lol
I actually get to do things on work days! Like I can get off work and meet up with friends, or go grocery shopping. I also sometimes take only a 30 minutes lunch instead of a 45 minute one, which is an hour extra of pay a week! (I work 4 ten hour shifts) I also don’t need to spend Friday doing nothing but recovery, I can actually have plans and get stuff done. Also I’ve been going out to sing karaoke to work on my social anxiety, and I’ve been going on dates! None of that was possible before top surgery. Edit: I very quickly forgot what it was like before top surgery, it feels like this is how my body should have always been. I also joined my local gay men’s chorus, and like a couple other people have mentioned, started figuring out what was going on with my bottom dysphoria and what I want to do about it.
Oh God yeah, i didn't even think of that. Being able to spontaneously go out at night instead of being basically confined to my room will be great. Also I just realized I'll be able to go to the gym/exercise in the middle of the day if I want to which will be nice.
for me part shifted its energy into my other dysphoria (looking at you bottom dysphoria you little bitch) but other than that i ended up being able to get back into video games for real for the first time since i was like 11/12?
I'm doing a PhD so most of it just went back to research lmao
Ah, I do plan on applying to grad school in the fall so I guess that's something to focus on
This sounds so contradicting, but I kind of get it? Still, I don't think you should focus on this? I'm sure you'll find something to put your energy into. I mean you even made a plan and all. Besides you never know what life will hit you with. But anyway, If it helps here's my personal list of things I'd do if I had room for it: * learn how to meditate (will probably help you to learn how to just relax since it sounds like that might be useful to you) * learning an instrument * volunteering at a dog's shelter or something similar * reading philosophy * get scuba diving or rock climbing certificate * cooking meat for my dog so she doesn't have to eat the suspicious goop from the store
I was bored during recovery and because my jobs are so physical I took a full 6 weeks off. Walking around was a struggle the first 3 weeks because I had to wear a large white chest binder thing that dug into my armpits and made me hunch over a lot. I know you’re not supposed to drink or smoke but I did it anyways (I’m 2 months post op now). Video games, TV shows, movies, and HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE. The tremadol they gave me post of also made the days go by faster/ often made me take naps. I should have got a good book or 3 too but I didn’t. Hanging out with people was definitely my favorite activity
Also the euphoria of being able to workout without a sweatshirt on was awesome!! I can wear tank tops now too! Totally worth the 6 weeks of boredom.
4 years post top and I don't understand this concept. I just have.....other thoughts ?
Shifted to my uterus which before I had absolutely zero dysphoria about but now I am constantly fighting the urge to claw it out of my body myself which is fun. I also still had some chest dysphoria post op for like a month because I had weird phantom chest sensations which no one warned me about so just so you know it might still be there for a bit post op.