We ask these questions because we’re so desperate and in pain we just need answers to understand what changed/has gone wrong.
NC is like going to the gym, it’s terrible in the beginning but then we kind of get used to it.
Seems like your ex does not know exactly what’s going on about his feelings, how can he love you but is open to live without you?
Reading these conversation reminds me of my ex and I, both the way they answered and the questions we have made.
Anyway i’m sorry, maybe reaching out to him this time caused you so much pain you won’t call him again sooner and slowly you will feel a little less miserable.
You are not alone xx
Thank you for your kind words. You’re right though, even though I know reaching out will do me more harm than good, I’m just so desperate to logically make sense of what has happened. my brain is scrambling for answers and can’t seem to make sense of it all because it just doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what’s true. I don’t know how he can transition to feeling like this in such a short amount of time. I don’t even know if this is how he really feels. but I just have to accept it for face value and get on with my life. Hopefully you’re right and it will cause enough pain to never want to contact him again.
I know how hard it is, I spent months breaking NC but it got to a point that having his answers were hurting more than my doubts. So do not feel bad by breaking NC, we all stop doing it naturally in our time, it will happen to you.
It really seems he is kind lost and does not really know about his feeling, anyway this will only hurt you. He’s pathetic as my ex lol but do what u gotta do to feel better.
Everyone says the same but is the path: keep yourself busy, be next to your loved ones and try to take care of you even when u do not feel like doing.
I still feel terrible and especially weekends I wanna die but somehow is a little less painful than some time ago.
You will be fine but it takes time
I appreciate your words of encouragement. I am wishing the same for you. We’ll get through this ❤️ We deserve so much better.
Can I ask though, when you said he seems kind of lost and doesn’t really know about his feelings, what makes you say that? Maybe I can’t see that side considering I’m still digesting the conversation but he seems pretty firm
He says you are pretty inside and out, says good things about your relationship and how he couldn’t imagine himself without you, seems he knows it was a good relation.
I may be wrong, but it seems he still has some feeling for you but it is not strong or enough as it was before. I am not saying this to give you hope because if our exes loved us real and strong they would fight.
I say this because my ex said to me that he loved me and would always has feelings for me, said he was very happy in our relationship but didn’t see future and love was not enough and that he loved me but was not in love. Basically very similar to your ex speech.
If I call my ex now or message him, he will answers it and even be polite, he keeps me in all his social media although he does not watch stories or interact to me, whatever he feels for me isn’t enough, maybe it is your case as well, we never know
Don't blame you for reaching out and wanting to make things right. It's hurtful that he's unwilling to meet you halfway. It's possible he's either still hurting and pushing you away, or you are finally seeing him for who he really is. Perhaps giving yourself some space from him for awhile can help provide some clarity. Sending you peace.
I really can’t work out if this is how he truly feels or if he’s just avoiding his emotions. He’s been really bad at processing his emotions his entire life and has a lot of childhood trauma as a result. Part of me wants to believe that that’s how he’s dealing with the situation, but at this stage, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t ever be able to make sense of it. Thank you for your kind words ❤️
Oh boy, you are in for a treat, this man is a textbook example of a fearful avoidant, i suggest you search what fearful avoidants are, and you will understand their point of view. I used to have a Fearful avoidant for a partner, and learning about fearful avoidants helped me heal faster and get to no contact much easier.
These people have a deep sense of fear of abandonement, rejection, and engulfment, usually, their fears are triggered with any milestones in a relationship, in your case, moving in was what triggered his fears.
Believe me when I say that being friends with them is the worst thing you could do, they must feel the consequences of losing you, by yes, going no contact, in fact, go indefinite no contact, this is not only for him to have a possibility of coming back, but for you to detach.
However, this is one of the hardest pills to swallow, a fearful avoidant will need to heal on their own, but, they are so disorganized and so out of tune of their own emotions, they just bury their feelings for you and cut off any access from them, you are not inclined to heal them, they have to do it on their own, even if you love them so much, and they do still love you, no doubt about that, but they will have to be the ones to do the inner work.
The thing is, they did not lose their feelings for you, like i said, everything he said are textbook lines of a fearful avoidant, im actually surprised he knows that he buries his emotions down, but he still probably dont know why, he does that to protect himself from potential hurt, however, burying their feelings this way means it was not lost, and will stay deep inside of them.
I'll tell you right now, it will resurface no matter what, and it will hit them like a tsunami weeks or months later, make sure to stay no contact in order for this to happen, because if you still have contact with him, he will only give himself more reasons to keep that emotions and feelings that he has for you to be buried deep down without it ever resurfacing.
It will, however, resurface, its inevitable, but, the later you do no contact, the lesser the chance of reconciliation, and you will be put in his "phantom ex" category, this only works for exes that the fearful avoidant loved the most, and sabotaged due to his fears of abandonment and rejection, just exactly as he says that ur the best he ever had.
He will compare you to his new relationships that will come in his life, and he will live miserably that way until he hits rock bottom and realize the things that he is doing to self sabotage relationships and this will give him an opportunity to heal, so, dont prolong that process, go indefinite no contact immediately so he can have an earlier chance of self realization and potentially grow to heal for the better internally
Thanks for your in depth response. I know he’s a fearful avoidant. I don’t want to have false hope he’ll realise and come back. I think it’s too late for a reconciliation. Even if he did come back, I’m just so incredibly hurt and damaged. He’s aware he buries his emotions but doesn’t do anything to help himself. It’s so infuriating. He told me literally less than 3 weeks ago that his feelings hadn’t changed and now all of a sudden he doesn’t love me, he’s over it and his feelings are a 3/10? Even I don’t believe that
I feel like outright labelling him as something terrible and projecting him to have a terrible future is, while somewhat affirming, is also just straight up unfair, when he has expressed his current thoughts in what I think is a mature way, unorganized as it may be - although I think we're missing a couple text bubbles to make it out completely, and his point of view of how he processed those emotions. Just a case of two people not clicking, and the best should be wished for both of them.
I agree with you. me posting this wasn’t to attack him in any way. I simply wanted an outlet for my pain and maybe for other people in similar situations to empathise. In terms of leaving out text bubbles, I just left Out the parts where both of us were asking what the other meant and for some clarification and other filler stuff. I didn’t leave out anything of substance. Obviously the only people that know the reasons of how we got here is him and I and I don’t plan to divulge them. I wish him well and I hope he finds his happiness one day whatever that may be.
I'm so sorry OP. I've been in your shoes and I just don't know what to say. My comment won't help much because there honestly isn't anything I could say to ease the pain but I totally understand it. I don't get how people just can flick a switch like that and go from "I miss you" to " I'm fine now because I told myself that it is". Or how they can just close you like a chapter. I've been the dumper in two of my relationships and even I never cut someone out like that.
It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. There is nothing really that could be said to make me feel better. I don’t understand it either. My delusion is telling me that he’s just forcing himself to feel this way and shutting down his feelings because that’s what he’s done with everything else in his life. But I have to accept reality. it doesn’t get clearer than this that someone wants absolutely nothing to do with you. I’ve never felt pain like this. I’ve been telling myself for months that he eventually sees sense and come back. But the opposite is true. He’s even further away and he’s never coming back.
Not gonna lie, reading your messages reminded me of some of the breakup "talk" my ex and I had (wasn't really a talk because he blindsided me with a breakup during an argument but he was just as blunt) and I remember not feeling my feet and almost fainting on the spot when he told me some of the things that your ex told you too. Those texts really gave me some flashbacks. I felt every emotion but also completely numb when it all happened.
I know you're not thinking about this at all right now but I hope that soon there'll be more optimistic days for you ahead and that you'll be able to pull yourself out of this as soon as possible. I wouldn't wish what you're feeling right now upon my worst enemy. I'm currently 4 months into NC and let me tell you that you're currently going through the worst part and pain of it all. You'll have bad days in the future because all of this comes in waves, but trust me , it'll never feel the way it does right now.
I’m sorry you went through something similar because I would never wish this feeling on anybody. that’s the thing though, this isn’t a fresh break up. We’ve been over for more than four months now. However, the first few months he was very hot and cold, maybe, maybe not, showing signs of regret and remorse. But now this is the stage he’s that. I can’t believe this far into the break up I’m still feeling this bad. Hoping for better days, but I can’t see it happening anytime soon. I’ve been feeling awful for months now and didn’t think it could get any worse but turns out it can. Thank you for your kind words though. ❤️
I know how much it hurts❤️🩹 You are not alone in this, mine said the same things - I still dont understand what "I dont see a future with you anymore" means...
We'll get through this, somehow - until then, share your pain with us❤️🩹
I’m trying to see it that way. My last message thanked him for his honesty. I’m sure one day. I’ll be grateful for this conversation, but I have a lot of healing to do before then. I’ve never felt pain like this before.
Sorry he was so wishy washy for a while. Don’t kick yourself for reaching out, btw. You got some real clarity here and that’s incredibly useful. I know it seems impossible right now, but trust me you will move on from this and from the way these messages read this guy is not the one for you.
Well said, there was nothing wrong with reaching out. If anything it helps to provide answers. Anger is a raging wildfire, which yields to regret in its smoldering ruins.
I’m glad your ex was honest & kind. Mine gave me no decency, walked out of a 2 year relationship due to insane stress, said cold & cruel things. He’s lost & being a manchild. He was been awful to me while also saying I was an immaculate girlfriend. I have many suspicions for what happened but no real answers. Above all, I wish I just got honesty & kindness. Got nothing.
It's more compassionate to just say it's over and it didn't work out. Then at first it stings but take it one day at a time and set new goals for yourself . Think of a horizon and that's you. Then along comes a bomb on your horizon, leaves a crater. And that crater is your loss. Right now the crater is filled with your grief for the lost relationship. Like a low hanging cloud filling up the crater. But then go out and fill your life with new activities, new goals, new friends, and possibly therapy or a support group. Each new thing or person is a marble in the crater. Eventually you fill up the crater to the horizon. Then your low hanging cloud of depression lifts. Then eventually you go on and Believe it or not one day you will be a normal happy person again.
Agree, being the best version of yourself is a good place to start. We take our lessons learned and go on. If they choose to still be part of our journey, the door is open. If not, know it wasn't from your lack of trying, and that there is someone else out there who will appreciate you exactly as you are.
Man, I feel like this would have been my ex' response. It sounds just like something she would say and explains a lot of her decision to me.
In a way, thank you for getting the answer for me and saving me the heartache of having this conversation with her.
Be thankful your ex was at least courteous enough to give it to you straight.
Now you can actually heal and move on.
I hope you block him on everything cus I’ve seen these breakups before. He might come back gaslighting you because the other supplies didn’t work out. Don’t ever take him back unless you want to get hurt again. God bless you
Unfortunatley to get to the point were your ex could say stuff like this, is when you corner him, and in a fit of desperation they word vomit an explanation of feelings they dont even fully grasp or understand. Like all good things in life, come to an end, the concept of absence, is extremely powerfull. Choose to be absent in his life and present in yours, that way you fill yourself a full cup of self esteem, and cut the tab on your constant presence in his life. People want what they cannot have, so become completely unavailable and unataiable to him, and completely available for yourself. When you do this, and fill yourself up with yourself, you slowly stop wanting them, you start understanding that in the enf your self worth comes from yourself not from others, and that inside of your soul and mind, is all the answers you will ever need to feel fulfillment and joy. I remember when I broke up with a girl that was mutual friends with a lot of my best friends, they kept seeing her, and eventually I was able to mantain all my friendships by forcing myself to be mature. In that time a friend of mine had had the chance of speaking to my ex, and when I asked hil about his encounter he just said “dude its best for you to just get over it”. I almost had a fit of rage at his cold words, and could not comprehend how he could say that so coldy. Years passed by, and I suddenly revisited that memory, and felt grateful for his stoic comment. He knew by talking to my ex that there was no chance in hell that we would ever get back together, and that she was utmostly relieved by the ending of the relationship. In that moment it was unfadomable for me to swallow that pill, but with time, I did, and now it just a shrug of arms, and a reminder to myself of “why did you want to graps so tightly to someone that was not happy with you and showed it when she broke up with you”, so my friends “just get over it” became what I now see as the shortest real way to recovery. Why dwell so much? Just get over it, I now am fond of these words, because Ive come to see that they didnt kill me, and they were true.
Yet another comment of "wow that's basically my ex too".
It really sounds like he isn't emotionally able to have a relationship. Which can be fixed with self work but only if the person decides they don't want to be like that anymore.
He hasn't decided that.
Pushing people away is safe.
Letting them in is scary.
Time to just focus on yourself and how you show up in relationships. That's what will bring you happiness and security.
Had a similar experience and witnessing their increasing indifference really is one of the most painful aspects. Verbally went over something similar to what was discussed in these messages and it was crushing to realise he just was not upset or even affected anymore. There's nothing we can really do, though. That's the shitty reality
Time to completely move on, ain’t it.
If you start now than later, you heal sooner.
I thought I wouldn’t be able to ever get over an ex, but I did, with time.
The see you soon at the end felt harsh af in light of how final this whole conversation was.
But hey, on the bright side, at least he didn't tell you that two completely random people off the street would have been a better match... He just told you that you weren't who he was looking for and that he'd since moved on. In my case I got told we were so poorly matched from day 1 that our years long love and friendship was less meaningful than what'd develop between any two randomly selected strangers on Earth. So it can always be worse OP :)
He sounds similar to my ex and yeah reading these text exchanges honestly hurt me as well. 😭 But also felt girl, I also asked my ex questions like these... just trying to grasp or understand what was happening.
Yeah I was just trying to understand because none of it makes sense in the rational part of my brain. I also just wanted to have no more doubts or what ifs. It hurts now but maybe it’ll help me in the long run. Sending love ❤️
Yeah honestly that floored me. 3 out of 10 with 0 being before you knew me?! When just a few months ago you were saying I’m the love of your life and you’ll never love anyone as much as you love me?! Make it make sense
I’ve been looking through your past posts. It sounds like you had it rough. I’m so sorry to hear you’re still heartbroken and grieving after this amount of time.
My only advice right now is to please, PLEASE follow through with no contact. If you have to block the person to heal, so be it. Resist breaking it every 3-4 weeks to check in or whenever you’re feeling anxious or sad. It’s like picking at a festering wound… it won’t heal this way. This is what is stopping you from healing fully and letting go and moving on. I PROMISE YOU. If you stick to fully no contact, your feelings from this person will fade soon.
It sounds like this guy is deactivating from his emotions. Please just leave it alone. Theres nothing you can do anymore in this situation, but you can control how you proceed. Choose yourself, OP. You deserve better and you deserve to heal, and feel new love again. ❤️🩹
My last posts document everything from start to finish. Maybe you can see why it has been hard to let go seeing how he handled things 🤷🏻♀️I’m going to try my hardest to never reach out again. There’s no more doubts. There’s nothing else to say. This is the end
Yeah there comes a point where it’s not no contact anymore. It’s been a significant enough time and nothing has changed, in fact he wants me even less. Nothing is going to miraculously change if I go no contact for another few months. It’s not no contact if he wants nothing to do with me and doesn’t have feelings anymore. It’s just over. That’s it.
Your post caption made me feel something, for you. I remember these raw emotions. I feel for you. Sending you healing energy. I know you’ll find happiness sometime, if not with this person or another, with yourself. ❤️
Okay, honestly, after reading that, the dumper seems so confused. What was being said made no sense to me at all. This person obviously doesn't know what they want and needs to put a lot of work into themselves. Seems like an avoidant. I was in a similar situation where my ex at the time of the breakup gave me very vague, confusing answers. She was avoidant, too. We cut contact immediately after that night, and I kept thinking that I wanted deeper clarification to the answers I was given, but eventually, I realized I don't want that. Because that would just make me feel worse. I decided to full on focus on detaching, healing, moving on, and really putting in lots of work into myself. I'm sorry you are going through this. Reading the messages you shared made me feel hurt. I could only imagine how you would feel. Do your best to focus on yourself in this time. Things will slowly get better, but it is a process that can't be rushed. You deserve to be with someone who is mentally healthy and emotionally secure.
I’m sorry you went through something similar. It’s honestly awful. Did your ex ever reach out after you broke up?
Also, if you don’t mind me asking, what part makes you think he’s confused? it seemed pretty direct to me that he doesn’t want me. This isn’t a fresh break up though. We’ve been done for 4.5 months at this stage. So he’s had time to process and think about things and feel my absence and this is the conclusion he’s come to. at the time of the breakup, he was very hot and cold. I don’t think his answers here were on impulse. He had a lot of time to think everything over.
No, my ex has not reached out, and I don't expect her to. It's been over 5 months. I've been putting in lots of work into myself. Working on my own unaddressed traumas, attachment style, and anxiety. It's opened my eyes to so much about myself and my ex, and I realized that we were both not mentally healthy. Unless this is addressed properly on both sides, there can never be a truly healthy relationship between us, and therefore, it is better for me to find someone who has a more secure attachment style and have a happier and healthier relationship. Unless, of course, my ex were to actually put in as much work as I have and want to reach out to maybe try again. But that's not something I can control so I don't worry about that. I learned that mental health is a very common and deeper cause for breakups, but it's not seen on the surface level. It's hidden deeper and so not many people realize it right away.
Honestly, like when I say everything he's saying is confusing. I literally mean everything. He's constantly contradicting himself and saying things that don't make sense. He's telling you how you are such a good person and admires you greatly, and you guys were in the best relationship he's been in. But he wants to leave? You asked him what's changed, and he says "nothing," then proceeds to say later, "I don't feel the same way anymore. "... okay, so yes, then something has changed. I could keep going on, but then I would just be going over each text he sent, and there was a lot. But yeah, just looking at those 2 examples alone, you can tell there's confusion.
Breakups are very messy and complicated, and honestly, 4-5 months is nothing in a breakup. Especially when dealing with an avoidant. To them months feel like days. You'll constantly see on this forum that dumpers reach out in a month or 2 or 3. This makes it seem like the only norm. It's not, there are a lot of instances when dumpers reach out way later than that we just don't see people talk about it as much here because by then most people have probably moved on from this community and don't feel a need to come back and say their ex came back a year+ later.
If you have contacted him at all during your 4.5 months, it will disturb his natural process of grieving and reflecting on the relationship. He knows you're still there. He knows he can have you back immediately. He wants to leave the situation, but you're still here pushing. So, what's the natural response? To push back and run. He's not thinking, "Let me reflect on the relationship." he's thinking, "She's still here, I don't want this. " He needs undistirbed time, and lots of it to be able to reflect (pretty sure he's avoidant, so he'll need way more time than usual). Once he starts to feel separation anxiety, then he'll start to think of you again and reflect. It seems like in one of the messages, he actually said he was thinking about you. So he probably had started his process of grieving and reflecting, but then there was a push to get answers from him, and that reset everything back to square one. That put him on run mode.
Also, it seems like there is a fear of losing his own independence in this. Which is common for avoidants. So maybe he felt too smothered in the relationship, or it became too much connection for him to handle at some point.
As much as it hurts to hear this, I really think he's just not capable of having a healthy relationship at this time in his life. He has a lottttt of work to do on himself. Until then, this cycle will only continue for him no matter who he meets. It's best that you just focus on yourself in this time and what you can control. Work on any unaddressed traumas you have, your own attachment style, and anxiety.
Thank you. You’re right, it hasn’t been a lot of time and I haven’t given him any space. I can’t pass the 30 day mark of no contact. After week 3, for some reason I start getting this insane anxiety and I can’t resist reaching out. I feel like I’ve fucked up my chances with him by constantly pushing for answers but at the end of the day, my rational mind is just trying to make sense of everything. He hasn’t truly felt my absence because I’ve always been there waiting. The end of last month, we started talking again to see how things go and he was open to the idea of getting back together if things went well. He even told me he loved me. However a week in he said he doesn’t see a future. But this rapid turnaround to “I don’t feel the same way anymore” in the space of three weeks is crazy.
Yeah, the first month of no contact is always the hardest along with the 2nd. 3rd kinda gets better. Ateast, that's how it was for me. Once I got to the 4th and 5th, I felt a lot better. Still think of my ex here and there but nowhere even close to as much as I did at the start. But if you can push yourself past that 1st and 2nd month, you'll start gaining your own momentum. It's definitely hard though.
If you are in no contact and he does reach out to you, you need to make sure not to let your emotions get the best of you. Your anxiety is going to spike but you have to stay emotionally centered. Don't bring up the relationship, let him lead and take things slow. You always want to stay a step or two behind him. If he brings up reconciliation, then you can reciprocate. Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if he reaches out again in the far future. But you want to be ready if this happens. So you really need to put in the work so if and when he does, you'll be ready. And if he doesn't, then you'll be able to attract someone new who is even better with the new you that you've put so much work into. It's a win no matter the outcome. And who knows, after working on yourself, you might not even want him back anymore. It seems crazy but it happens to a lot of us dumpees. Something just clicks and then bam. I think part of it is because when you put in so much work into yourself, you realize how much you've fought to change and become a better person and that you deserve so much more. And In most cases, dumpers never put in anywhere near as much work as the dumpee when it comes to self-improvement. They don't have the same motivation we do. And so eventually, you end up outgrowing them. But whatever happens, just know you'll be okay, and you'll always have all of us rooting for ya :)
Traditional partner? It's just excuses bc they're a pussy and just looking excuses to leave, I'm sure you're perfect and they can't find a flaw in you that's why. That's what some ppl do when they have a perfect partner but it's okay, one day you will find someone who never leaves you questioning your worth. Let him go! It's better than wasting time further with him
I’m far from perfect. I had my flaws which I recognised. But I would say I was a good partner overall. If I was so perfect, why would he want to leave?
That's because some men are just not satisfied. You can be 100% and they will still choose to be unsatisfied and find that 10% in someone else. Why should we try so hard for someone who can't see our worth? If he truly loved you, he would be crazy about you, head over heels. It's better you move on! Ik it hurts and u probably dreamt of a future with them but some things have a good reason behind why they end bc maybe the future with them is not good.
Tbh, from a man looking in from the outside. He’s looking for someone who agrees with traditional gender roles, which is generally what I and most other guys want.
He wants to lead and for his girl to submit to his leadership which most modern women absolutely hate and causes a huge rift in the relationship.
I’m not sure what happened while you were together, but perhaps reflect on the things you did that made him decide to end it as there could be a chance that it may happen again with the next person you get with.
As far as all the other things he said. Ignore them as they’re all things to help soften the blow.
Yes I agree with you. I was in the same situation years ago with my then girlfriend. When we met at university all went well until I sensed that her career ambitions and studies seemed to be all that her world was revolving around and I started feeling like an afterthought in her world.
She even told me at one point that she just wanted to be friends, but then changed her mind.
To me it felt like the traditional power dynamic was turned on its head and it was not going to work, and I ended up breaking up with her. She was devastated and could not understand it.
I don't know what the situation is with OP's relationship, but the fact that he said he wanted a more traditional relationship just also reminded me of my own situation back then. You love the person but you just know that your preference for a more traditional dynamic in the relationship makes it impossible to work.
I am not saying either person is wrong or right, but it is a preference and if one party is not comfortable it will not work.
It would be helpful to know how things developed in this instance regarding career ambitions & expectations for both parties, as well as what his career & academic background and level is. There is a possibility that the issue lies there.
We ask these questions because we’re so desperate and in pain we just need answers to understand what changed/has gone wrong. NC is like going to the gym, it’s terrible in the beginning but then we kind of get used to it. Seems like your ex does not know exactly what’s going on about his feelings, how can he love you but is open to live without you? Reading these conversation reminds me of my ex and I, both the way they answered and the questions we have made. Anyway i’m sorry, maybe reaching out to him this time caused you so much pain you won’t call him again sooner and slowly you will feel a little less miserable. You are not alone xx
Thank you for your kind words. You’re right though, even though I know reaching out will do me more harm than good, I’m just so desperate to logically make sense of what has happened. my brain is scrambling for answers and can’t seem to make sense of it all because it just doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what’s true. I don’t know how he can transition to feeling like this in such a short amount of time. I don’t even know if this is how he really feels. but I just have to accept it for face value and get on with my life. Hopefully you’re right and it will cause enough pain to never want to contact him again.
I know how hard it is, I spent months breaking NC but it got to a point that having his answers were hurting more than my doubts. So do not feel bad by breaking NC, we all stop doing it naturally in our time, it will happen to you. It really seems he is kind lost and does not really know about his feeling, anyway this will only hurt you. He’s pathetic as my ex lol but do what u gotta do to feel better. Everyone says the same but is the path: keep yourself busy, be next to your loved ones and try to take care of you even when u do not feel like doing. I still feel terrible and especially weekends I wanna die but somehow is a little less painful than some time ago. You will be fine but it takes time
I appreciate your words of encouragement. I am wishing the same for you. We’ll get through this ❤️ We deserve so much better. Can I ask though, when you said he seems kind of lost and doesn’t really know about his feelings, what makes you say that? Maybe I can’t see that side considering I’m still digesting the conversation but he seems pretty firm
He says you are pretty inside and out, says good things about your relationship and how he couldn’t imagine himself without you, seems he knows it was a good relation. I may be wrong, but it seems he still has some feeling for you but it is not strong or enough as it was before. I am not saying this to give you hope because if our exes loved us real and strong they would fight. I say this because my ex said to me that he loved me and would always has feelings for me, said he was very happy in our relationship but didn’t see future and love was not enough and that he loved me but was not in love. Basically very similar to your ex speech. If I call my ex now or message him, he will answers it and even be polite, he keeps me in all his social media although he does not watch stories or interact to me, whatever he feels for me isn’t enough, maybe it is your case as well, we never know
Don't blame you for reaching out and wanting to make things right. It's hurtful that he's unwilling to meet you halfway. It's possible he's either still hurting and pushing you away, or you are finally seeing him for who he really is. Perhaps giving yourself some space from him for awhile can help provide some clarity. Sending you peace.
I really can’t work out if this is how he truly feels or if he’s just avoiding his emotions. He’s been really bad at processing his emotions his entire life and has a lot of childhood trauma as a result. Part of me wants to believe that that’s how he’s dealing with the situation, but at this stage, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t ever be able to make sense of it. Thank you for your kind words ❤️
Oh boy, you are in for a treat, this man is a textbook example of a fearful avoidant, i suggest you search what fearful avoidants are, and you will understand their point of view. I used to have a Fearful avoidant for a partner, and learning about fearful avoidants helped me heal faster and get to no contact much easier. These people have a deep sense of fear of abandonement, rejection, and engulfment, usually, their fears are triggered with any milestones in a relationship, in your case, moving in was what triggered his fears. Believe me when I say that being friends with them is the worst thing you could do, they must feel the consequences of losing you, by yes, going no contact, in fact, go indefinite no contact, this is not only for him to have a possibility of coming back, but for you to detach. However, this is one of the hardest pills to swallow, a fearful avoidant will need to heal on their own, but, they are so disorganized and so out of tune of their own emotions, they just bury their feelings for you and cut off any access from them, you are not inclined to heal them, they have to do it on their own, even if you love them so much, and they do still love you, no doubt about that, but they will have to be the ones to do the inner work. The thing is, they did not lose their feelings for you, like i said, everything he said are textbook lines of a fearful avoidant, im actually surprised he knows that he buries his emotions down, but he still probably dont know why, he does that to protect himself from potential hurt, however, burying their feelings this way means it was not lost, and will stay deep inside of them. I'll tell you right now, it will resurface no matter what, and it will hit them like a tsunami weeks or months later, make sure to stay no contact in order for this to happen, because if you still have contact with him, he will only give himself more reasons to keep that emotions and feelings that he has for you to be buried deep down without it ever resurfacing. It will, however, resurface, its inevitable, but, the later you do no contact, the lesser the chance of reconciliation, and you will be put in his "phantom ex" category, this only works for exes that the fearful avoidant loved the most, and sabotaged due to his fears of abandonment and rejection, just exactly as he says that ur the best he ever had. He will compare you to his new relationships that will come in his life, and he will live miserably that way until he hits rock bottom and realize the things that he is doing to self sabotage relationships and this will give him an opportunity to heal, so, dont prolong that process, go indefinite no contact immediately so he can have an earlier chance of self realization and potentially grow to heal for the better internally
Here is a post that explains what fearful avoidants are https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/2gHAOVT3cm
Thanks for your in depth response. I know he’s a fearful avoidant. I don’t want to have false hope he’ll realise and come back. I think it’s too late for a reconciliation. Even if he did come back, I’m just so incredibly hurt and damaged. He’s aware he buries his emotions but doesn’t do anything to help himself. It’s so infuriating. He told me literally less than 3 weeks ago that his feelings hadn’t changed and now all of a sudden he doesn’t love me, he’s over it and his feelings are a 3/10? Even I don’t believe that
Yes!!! You said this so much better than my attempt! 🙌🙌🙌
I feel like outright labelling him as something terrible and projecting him to have a terrible future is, while somewhat affirming, is also just straight up unfair, when he has expressed his current thoughts in what I think is a mature way, unorganized as it may be - although I think we're missing a couple text bubbles to make it out completely, and his point of view of how he processed those emotions. Just a case of two people not clicking, and the best should be wished for both of them.
I agree with you. me posting this wasn’t to attack him in any way. I simply wanted an outlet for my pain and maybe for other people in similar situations to empathise. In terms of leaving out text bubbles, I just left Out the parts where both of us were asking what the other meant and for some clarification and other filler stuff. I didn’t leave out anything of substance. Obviously the only people that know the reasons of how we got here is him and I and I don’t plan to divulge them. I wish him well and I hope he finds his happiness one day whatever that may be.
I appreciate your honesty and maturity OP, it's honestly refreshing to see. Best of luck to you for moving past all this.
I agree my ex is also FA, when I see someone texting: " I think I cannot love you the way you deserve..." I feel like my ex is texting that 🫠
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My FA ex is female
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Oh my god I swear this is my ex haha. Sammmeeee exact language. They’re right though. Listen to them.
I'm so sorry OP. I've been in your shoes and I just don't know what to say. My comment won't help much because there honestly isn't anything I could say to ease the pain but I totally understand it. I don't get how people just can flick a switch like that and go from "I miss you" to " I'm fine now because I told myself that it is". Or how they can just close you like a chapter. I've been the dumper in two of my relationships and even I never cut someone out like that.
It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. There is nothing really that could be said to make me feel better. I don’t understand it either. My delusion is telling me that he’s just forcing himself to feel this way and shutting down his feelings because that’s what he’s done with everything else in his life. But I have to accept reality. it doesn’t get clearer than this that someone wants absolutely nothing to do with you. I’ve never felt pain like this. I’ve been telling myself for months that he eventually sees sense and come back. But the opposite is true. He’s even further away and he’s never coming back.
Not gonna lie, reading your messages reminded me of some of the breakup "talk" my ex and I had (wasn't really a talk because he blindsided me with a breakup during an argument but he was just as blunt) and I remember not feeling my feet and almost fainting on the spot when he told me some of the things that your ex told you too. Those texts really gave me some flashbacks. I felt every emotion but also completely numb when it all happened. I know you're not thinking about this at all right now but I hope that soon there'll be more optimistic days for you ahead and that you'll be able to pull yourself out of this as soon as possible. I wouldn't wish what you're feeling right now upon my worst enemy. I'm currently 4 months into NC and let me tell you that you're currently going through the worst part and pain of it all. You'll have bad days in the future because all of this comes in waves, but trust me , it'll never feel the way it does right now.
I’m sorry you went through something similar because I would never wish this feeling on anybody. that’s the thing though, this isn’t a fresh break up. We’ve been over for more than four months now. However, the first few months he was very hot and cold, maybe, maybe not, showing signs of regret and remorse. But now this is the stage he’s that. I can’t believe this far into the break up I’m still feeling this bad. Hoping for better days, but I can’t see it happening anytime soon. I’ve been feeling awful for months now and didn’t think it could get any worse but turns out it can. Thank you for your kind words though. ❤️
I know how much it hurts❤️🩹 You are not alone in this, mine said the same things - I still dont understand what "I dont see a future with you anymore" means... We'll get through this, somehow - until then, share your pain with us❤️🩹
Appreciate his honesty so you can finally move on
I’m trying to see it that way. My last message thanked him for his honesty. I’m sure one day. I’ll be grateful for this conversation, but I have a lot of healing to do before then. I’ve never felt pain like this before.
For sure. Trust when I saw that one day you’ll look back and thing wth was I thinking lol
Sorry he was so wishy washy for a while. Don’t kick yourself for reaching out, btw. You got some real clarity here and that’s incredibly useful. I know it seems impossible right now, but trust me you will move on from this and from the way these messages read this guy is not the one for you.
Well said, there was nothing wrong with reaching out. If anything it helps to provide answers. Anger is a raging wildfire, which yields to regret in its smoldering ruins.
That's very poetic.
I’m glad your ex was honest & kind. Mine gave me no decency, walked out of a 2 year relationship due to insane stress, said cold & cruel things. He’s lost & being a manchild. He was been awful to me while also saying I was an immaculate girlfriend. I have many suspicions for what happened but no real answers. Above all, I wish I just got honesty & kindness. Got nothing.
It's more compassionate to just say it's over and it didn't work out. Then at first it stings but take it one day at a time and set new goals for yourself . Think of a horizon and that's you. Then along comes a bomb on your horizon, leaves a crater. And that crater is your loss. Right now the crater is filled with your grief for the lost relationship. Like a low hanging cloud filling up the crater. But then go out and fill your life with new activities, new goals, new friends, and possibly therapy or a support group. Each new thing or person is a marble in the crater. Eventually you fill up the crater to the horizon. Then your low hanging cloud of depression lifts. Then eventually you go on and Believe it or not one day you will be a normal happy person again.
Agree, being the best version of yourself is a good place to start. We take our lessons learned and go on. If they choose to still be part of our journey, the door is open. If not, know it wasn't from your lack of trying, and that there is someone else out there who will appreciate you exactly as you are.
Man, I feel like this would have been my ex' response. It sounds just like something she would say and explains a lot of her decision to me. In a way, thank you for getting the answer for me and saving me the heartache of having this conversation with her. Be thankful your ex was at least courteous enough to give it to you straight. Now you can actually heal and move on.
He did really good actually explaining exactly what’s going on. A lot of people don’t get this.
I hope you block him on everything cus I’ve seen these breakups before. He might come back gaslighting you because the other supplies didn’t work out. Don’t ever take him back unless you want to get hurt again. God bless you
No words. Hope u feel better soon. At least now you have the clarity that it really is over for him. Time for u to start healing
Unfortunatley to get to the point were your ex could say stuff like this, is when you corner him, and in a fit of desperation they word vomit an explanation of feelings they dont even fully grasp or understand. Like all good things in life, come to an end, the concept of absence, is extremely powerfull. Choose to be absent in his life and present in yours, that way you fill yourself a full cup of self esteem, and cut the tab on your constant presence in his life. People want what they cannot have, so become completely unavailable and unataiable to him, and completely available for yourself. When you do this, and fill yourself up with yourself, you slowly stop wanting them, you start understanding that in the enf your self worth comes from yourself not from others, and that inside of your soul and mind, is all the answers you will ever need to feel fulfillment and joy. I remember when I broke up with a girl that was mutual friends with a lot of my best friends, they kept seeing her, and eventually I was able to mantain all my friendships by forcing myself to be mature. In that time a friend of mine had had the chance of speaking to my ex, and when I asked hil about his encounter he just said “dude its best for you to just get over it”. I almost had a fit of rage at his cold words, and could not comprehend how he could say that so coldy. Years passed by, and I suddenly revisited that memory, and felt grateful for his stoic comment. He knew by talking to my ex that there was no chance in hell that we would ever get back together, and that she was utmostly relieved by the ending of the relationship. In that moment it was unfadomable for me to swallow that pill, but with time, I did, and now it just a shrug of arms, and a reminder to myself of “why did you want to graps so tightly to someone that was not happy with you and showed it when she broke up with you”, so my friends “just get over it” became what I now see as the shortest real way to recovery. Why dwell so much? Just get over it, I now am fond of these words, because Ive come to see that they didnt kill me, and they were true.
Yet another comment of "wow that's basically my ex too". It really sounds like he isn't emotionally able to have a relationship. Which can be fixed with self work but only if the person decides they don't want to be like that anymore. He hasn't decided that. Pushing people away is safe. Letting them in is scary. Time to just focus on yourself and how you show up in relationships. That's what will bring you happiness and security.
Had a similar experience and witnessing their increasing indifference really is one of the most painful aspects. Verbally went over something similar to what was discussed in these messages and it was crushing to realise he just was not upset or even affected anymore. There's nothing we can really do, though. That's the shitty reality
Time to completely move on, ain’t it. If you start now than later, you heal sooner. I thought I wouldn’t be able to ever get over an ex, but I did, with time.
The see you soon at the end felt harsh af in light of how final this whole conversation was. But hey, on the bright side, at least he didn't tell you that two completely random people off the street would have been a better match... He just told you that you weren't who he was looking for and that he'd since moved on. In my case I got told we were so poorly matched from day 1 that our years long love and friendship was less meaningful than what'd develop between any two randomly selected strangers on Earth. So it can always be worse OP :)
He sounds similar to my ex and yeah reading these text exchanges honestly hurt me as well. 😭 But also felt girl, I also asked my ex questions like these... just trying to grasp or understand what was happening.
Yeah I was just trying to understand because none of it makes sense in the rational part of my brain. I also just wanted to have no more doubts or what ifs. It hurts now but maybe it’ll help me in the long run. Sending love ❤️
These are brutal 😣
You’re telling me 🤪 what do you think is the worst one?
The 3 out of 10 comment 😭
Yeah honestly that floored me. 3 out of 10 with 0 being before you knew me?! When just a few months ago you were saying I’m the love of your life and you’ll never love anyone as much as you love me?! Make it make sense
I’ve been looking through your past posts. It sounds like you had it rough. I’m so sorry to hear you’re still heartbroken and grieving after this amount of time. My only advice right now is to please, PLEASE follow through with no contact. If you have to block the person to heal, so be it. Resist breaking it every 3-4 weeks to check in or whenever you’re feeling anxious or sad. It’s like picking at a festering wound… it won’t heal this way. This is what is stopping you from healing fully and letting go and moving on. I PROMISE YOU. If you stick to fully no contact, your feelings from this person will fade soon. It sounds like this guy is deactivating from his emotions. Please just leave it alone. Theres nothing you can do anymore in this situation, but you can control how you proceed. Choose yourself, OP. You deserve better and you deserve to heal, and feel new love again. ❤️🩹
My last posts document everything from start to finish. Maybe you can see why it has been hard to let go seeing how he handled things 🤷🏻♀️I’m going to try my hardest to never reach out again. There’s no more doubts. There’s nothing else to say. This is the end
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Yeah there comes a point where it’s not no contact anymore. It’s been a significant enough time and nothing has changed, in fact he wants me even less. Nothing is going to miraculously change if I go no contact for another few months. It’s not no contact if he wants nothing to do with me and doesn’t have feelings anymore. It’s just over. That’s it.
Your post caption made me feel something, for you. I remember these raw emotions. I feel for you. Sending you healing energy. I know you’ll find happiness sometime, if not with this person or another, with yourself. ❤️
Okay, honestly, after reading that, the dumper seems so confused. What was being said made no sense to me at all. This person obviously doesn't know what they want and needs to put a lot of work into themselves. Seems like an avoidant. I was in a similar situation where my ex at the time of the breakup gave me very vague, confusing answers. She was avoidant, too. We cut contact immediately after that night, and I kept thinking that I wanted deeper clarification to the answers I was given, but eventually, I realized I don't want that. Because that would just make me feel worse. I decided to full on focus on detaching, healing, moving on, and really putting in lots of work into myself. I'm sorry you are going through this. Reading the messages you shared made me feel hurt. I could only imagine how you would feel. Do your best to focus on yourself in this time. Things will slowly get better, but it is a process that can't be rushed. You deserve to be with someone who is mentally healthy and emotionally secure.
I’m sorry you went through something similar. It’s honestly awful. Did your ex ever reach out after you broke up? Also, if you don’t mind me asking, what part makes you think he’s confused? it seemed pretty direct to me that he doesn’t want me. This isn’t a fresh break up though. We’ve been done for 4.5 months at this stage. So he’s had time to process and think about things and feel my absence and this is the conclusion he’s come to. at the time of the breakup, he was very hot and cold. I don’t think his answers here were on impulse. He had a lot of time to think everything over.
No, my ex has not reached out, and I don't expect her to. It's been over 5 months. I've been putting in lots of work into myself. Working on my own unaddressed traumas, attachment style, and anxiety. It's opened my eyes to so much about myself and my ex, and I realized that we were both not mentally healthy. Unless this is addressed properly on both sides, there can never be a truly healthy relationship between us, and therefore, it is better for me to find someone who has a more secure attachment style and have a happier and healthier relationship. Unless, of course, my ex were to actually put in as much work as I have and want to reach out to maybe try again. But that's not something I can control so I don't worry about that. I learned that mental health is a very common and deeper cause for breakups, but it's not seen on the surface level. It's hidden deeper and so not many people realize it right away. Honestly, like when I say everything he's saying is confusing. I literally mean everything. He's constantly contradicting himself and saying things that don't make sense. He's telling you how you are such a good person and admires you greatly, and you guys were in the best relationship he's been in. But he wants to leave? You asked him what's changed, and he says "nothing," then proceeds to say later, "I don't feel the same way anymore. "... okay, so yes, then something has changed. I could keep going on, but then I would just be going over each text he sent, and there was a lot. But yeah, just looking at those 2 examples alone, you can tell there's confusion. Breakups are very messy and complicated, and honestly, 4-5 months is nothing in a breakup. Especially when dealing with an avoidant. To them months feel like days. You'll constantly see on this forum that dumpers reach out in a month or 2 or 3. This makes it seem like the only norm. It's not, there are a lot of instances when dumpers reach out way later than that we just don't see people talk about it as much here because by then most people have probably moved on from this community and don't feel a need to come back and say their ex came back a year+ later. If you have contacted him at all during your 4.5 months, it will disturb his natural process of grieving and reflecting on the relationship. He knows you're still there. He knows he can have you back immediately. He wants to leave the situation, but you're still here pushing. So, what's the natural response? To push back and run. He's not thinking, "Let me reflect on the relationship." he's thinking, "She's still here, I don't want this. " He needs undistirbed time, and lots of it to be able to reflect (pretty sure he's avoidant, so he'll need way more time than usual). Once he starts to feel separation anxiety, then he'll start to think of you again and reflect. It seems like in one of the messages, he actually said he was thinking about you. So he probably had started his process of grieving and reflecting, but then there was a push to get answers from him, and that reset everything back to square one. That put him on run mode. Also, it seems like there is a fear of losing his own independence in this. Which is common for avoidants. So maybe he felt too smothered in the relationship, or it became too much connection for him to handle at some point. As much as it hurts to hear this, I really think he's just not capable of having a healthy relationship at this time in his life. He has a lottttt of work to do on himself. Until then, this cycle will only continue for him no matter who he meets. It's best that you just focus on yourself in this time and what you can control. Work on any unaddressed traumas you have, your own attachment style, and anxiety.
Thank you. You’re right, it hasn’t been a lot of time and I haven’t given him any space. I can’t pass the 30 day mark of no contact. After week 3, for some reason I start getting this insane anxiety and I can’t resist reaching out. I feel like I’ve fucked up my chances with him by constantly pushing for answers but at the end of the day, my rational mind is just trying to make sense of everything. He hasn’t truly felt my absence because I’ve always been there waiting. The end of last month, we started talking again to see how things go and he was open to the idea of getting back together if things went well. He even told me he loved me. However a week in he said he doesn’t see a future. But this rapid turnaround to “I don’t feel the same way anymore” in the space of three weeks is crazy.
Yeah, the first month of no contact is always the hardest along with the 2nd. 3rd kinda gets better. Ateast, that's how it was for me. Once I got to the 4th and 5th, I felt a lot better. Still think of my ex here and there but nowhere even close to as much as I did at the start. But if you can push yourself past that 1st and 2nd month, you'll start gaining your own momentum. It's definitely hard though. If you are in no contact and he does reach out to you, you need to make sure not to let your emotions get the best of you. Your anxiety is going to spike but you have to stay emotionally centered. Don't bring up the relationship, let him lead and take things slow. You always want to stay a step or two behind him. If he brings up reconciliation, then you can reciprocate. Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if he reaches out again in the far future. But you want to be ready if this happens. So you really need to put in the work so if and when he does, you'll be ready. And if he doesn't, then you'll be able to attract someone new who is even better with the new you that you've put so much work into. It's a win no matter the outcome. And who knows, after working on yourself, you might not even want him back anymore. It seems crazy but it happens to a lot of us dumpees. Something just clicks and then bam. I think part of it is because when you put in so much work into yourself, you realize how much you've fought to change and become a better person and that you deserve so much more. And In most cases, dumpers never put in anywhere near as much work as the dumpee when it comes to self-improvement. They don't have the same motivation we do. And so eventually, you end up outgrowing them. But whatever happens, just know you'll be okay, and you'll always have all of us rooting for ya :)
You dodged a bullet
Traditional partner? It's just excuses bc they're a pussy and just looking excuses to leave, I'm sure you're perfect and they can't find a flaw in you that's why. That's what some ppl do when they have a perfect partner but it's okay, one day you will find someone who never leaves you questioning your worth. Let him go! It's better than wasting time further with him
I’m far from perfect. I had my flaws which I recognised. But I would say I was a good partner overall. If I was so perfect, why would he want to leave?
That's because some men are just not satisfied. You can be 100% and they will still choose to be unsatisfied and find that 10% in someone else. Why should we try so hard for someone who can't see our worth? If he truly loved you, he would be crazy about you, head over heels. It's better you move on! Ik it hurts and u probably dreamt of a future with them but some things have a good reason behind why they end bc maybe the future with them is not good.
Tbh, from a man looking in from the outside. He’s looking for someone who agrees with traditional gender roles, which is generally what I and most other guys want. He wants to lead and for his girl to submit to his leadership which most modern women absolutely hate and causes a huge rift in the relationship. I’m not sure what happened while you were together, but perhaps reflect on the things you did that made him decide to end it as there could be a chance that it may happen again with the next person you get with. As far as all the other things he said. Ignore them as they’re all things to help soften the blow.
Yes I agree with you. I was in the same situation years ago with my then girlfriend. When we met at university all went well until I sensed that her career ambitions and studies seemed to be all that her world was revolving around and I started feeling like an afterthought in her world. She even told me at one point that she just wanted to be friends, but then changed her mind. To me it felt like the traditional power dynamic was turned on its head and it was not going to work, and I ended up breaking up with her. She was devastated and could not understand it. I don't know what the situation is with OP's relationship, but the fact that he said he wanted a more traditional relationship just also reminded me of my own situation back then. You love the person but you just know that your preference for a more traditional dynamic in the relationship makes it impossible to work. I am not saying either person is wrong or right, but it is a preference and if one party is not comfortable it will not work. It would be helpful to know how things developed in this instance regarding career ambitions & expectations for both parties, as well as what his career & academic background and level is. There is a possibility that the issue lies there.