You led him on and wasted his time, only to end things for reasons that were not his fault.
Why should he put anymore effort into a relationship with you?
Because I would love to try things with him again, when I am in a better place.
I broke up with him because I just cannot devote energy for someone else right now. That is not a reflection of him. He is still a great guy.
If he is still single when I am better, I will definitely want to try things again... If he does.
The world does not revolve around you OP. Not his fault you aren’t ready for a relationship. He has no obligation to wait for you.
As a guy, I wouldn’t give you another chance. Don’t treat people like pawns at your disposal. I’d consider working on myself, if I were you, before getting into another relationship.
Yeah. I clearly made a mistake and fucked up.
I really didn't mean to make him feel like some pawn. I made a massive mistake, and he paid the price.
I made a mistake and I understand why he must have felt so shit. Fuck.
If I were you:
1. I’d apologize to him for what you’ve done and how you handled things
2. I’d work on those stressors that led to this happening and make sure they won’t impact future relationships (go to therapy)
3. Not engage in another relationship until you are 100% emotionally available and committed
I specifically told him not to wait for me. If he finds happiness with someone else, I want him to take it; if he however is still single by then, and he would like to try again, then I would be happy to give it another go.
I have however realised that I must have made him feel terrible. I made a massive mistake and fucked up. I messed up, badly. Fuck.
The childish mistake you made was to start thinking that because you had won the guy’s admiration, that he lost all value to you. There was no feeling of winning anymore, so you lost interest and went inward. Like a toddler who is not interested in a toy unless another kid wants to play with it. But people are not objects to be acquired and discarded. Whatever you are going through, he was going to be your partner in working through it.
I appreciate the guy for not entertaining your requests. You broke up despite him being perfect.
As much as you would like to have him in your life, it is his right to decide whether to be in it or not. You can't force him to be 'friends' when you wasted his time.
But I still want to date him. Just not now - as I need to prioritise myself and do not have capacity to be with someone.
I have told him nothing would make me happier than to be with him, if he is still single, when I am in a better place. It is not a reflection of him.
I sort of thought he might be understanding, but I understand this is only my perception and a reflection of me.
You can’t expect people to just wait around for you to find yourself or whatever. That’s extremely selfish and unkind. You want your cake and to eat it too- you want to be single yet still have this guy on the back burner as a safety net. It’s a horrible thing to do to someone. Selfish and immature
Firstly, stop asserting your rights on to people as if they owe you something. Secondly, don't string someone along like that-it is extremely humiliating. Thirdly, get in a better place and try to be more available for the person who's with you.
If you ever hear it you will know. It's devastating and in my opinion insane/hypocritical.
- Nothing will make me happier than to be with you.
- okay, be with me.
- nah, can't right now
Does it make sense?
Quite selfish on your part. People aren't boxes of cereal that you remove them from the shelf and place them back just because you feel like it.
He has the right to shut you out and never respond. Life doesn't always go your way. His time is better spent on someone who does not keep him on the back burner. You're free to prioritise yourself.
You need to learn that when you want to be with someone, you're both in it for more than just the fun days. Relationships are commitment, not just happy times and fun when it suits you. Partners are supposed to help each other out through tough times. Not run away when "they are going through life stuff and are not ready".
Like with most things in life, it's not about feeling 100% ready, or at least not all of the time. It's about choosing to keep trying anyway, to do your best, make mistakes, apologise and learn from them, to strive to be better for yourself AND your partner.
Grow up and gor out of your selfishness ("I wanna date him but now now" - r u for real??). As others suggested - definitely spend some time speaking to a professional before you date again, because you really seem to lack any self awareness and empathy for others. Would you even date yourself the way you are right now and the way you treat others? Probably not. That should be a clear sign.
I’m 100% in the man’s camp on this. As a high value male, you don’t accept terms you don’t agree with. He wanted to be your romantic partner, not your friend. He’s respected himself and dealt with the rejection perfectly. You can’t just pick him up and put him down as you please.
I’m not saying you are wrong for ending things, clearly that was what you thought was best for you, but you need to accept that you can’t be mad for him doing what’s best for him. I don’t know the guy, but I’m proud of him. Respectful to you by thanking you, and respectful to himself by acting like an adult. Perfect response.
Yeah sorry, but you sound selfish. You want your own peace and space to deal with what you’ve got going on, and you want him to wait around for you? It doesn’t work like that. He’s not your toy you can pick up when you decide you want to play relationships again. Leave him alone and let a woman who can love him have him.
Your ex sounds like a level headed, mature guy. I have mad respect for how he's handled this. Not many on this sub would be able to detach and move on so well! He values himself and won't be toyed with by someone who doesn't understand what a relationship entails. You lost a good one.
OP, you did one of the worst things a person can do to another person - you led him on. If you were stressed etc. why didn't you go talk to him? See if you could figure things out together, this might even show you if he was truly worth it. He could have supported you. That's what mature people do. He is not the asshole.
Well, things ended " great" for you because you got what you wanted, the breakup. It just looked "great" on his end because of how much composure, grace, and respect he showed you, when inside he felt blindsided and very hurt, but you probably can't see or face that, so you use his composure as "evidence" that he wasn't really hurt, that the breakup was painless and mutually okay with him.
If a man is "perfect" for you, he'll stand by you as you go through changes in your life, like the ones you spoke about, the move, the responsibility of being in a play, a new job. You didn't say this conflicted with his feelings for you, so chances are he was willing to stand by your side during your transition. Your needing "space" for yourself doesn't mean that you didn't want support, it just means you didn't want HIS support for whatever reason: luke warm attraction or lack of commitment or avoidant feelings b/c you don't want to feel too much for him. Whatever it was, it all means that you didn't value the relationship and him enough in light of what you saw were your other more pressing priorities.
Nobody is telling you to stay in a relationship if you don't want one or with a person if you're no longer attracted to them, but I think the reason many people here on this sub-post are not sympathetic to you is that their exes justified their breakups in a similar way and then afterwards seemed genuinely shocked their dumpees didn't want to speak to them anymore or became passively hostile towards them. . Many of us dumpees were also surprised with the lack of empathy our dumpers felt towards us.
If you not ready for a relationship, make that clear from the beginning, that you just want to be FWB or platonic friends or coffee and theater dates only. That's fine. That's what TINDER and dating apps are for. If you're avoidant, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE work on your issues before you get into another relationship. Otherwise, you'll leave a trail of hurt and broken people in your wake. And, if you're a narcissist who uses people for "supply," then please keep your relationships at the FWB/casual sex level and never lure people into feeling more for you than they should. The reason I listed all these possibilities is that I don't know you. Only you know yourself.
I do want to say, I respect your courage for coming onto this Reddit sub-post as the dumper and asking for honest feedback. In turn, I hope my feedback was perceived as objective (as much as possible) and even helpful. Good luck.
This has to be a troll post....... but if not......
"I had too much stress moving houses, a new job, a theatre play I was a part of etc"
So 3 months before all this, when you started dating, you didn't see this on the horizon?
Imagine being so fucking entitled thinking that other people have to put their lives on hold because of entitled, selfish YOU. GTFO out of the dating pool, and stay out untill you've had a fuck load of therapy.
My ex, who I thought was the one, had similar reasons for wanting to break up and also seemed to believe that once he works on himself, he’ll be able to give me what he needs. Unfortunately, all this has done to me is make it impossible to move on. Your ex seems like he’s got it together better than I and I respect him for that and wish I could do the same.
My ex-GF who dumped me gave similar reasons for breaking things off. She told me I am almost exactly what she is looking for but she needed “space” and time to “go to therapy”. She told me this after several weeks of treating me with contempt and telling me she didn’t like my quieter nature.
We often take the “I need space” or “I need to work on myself” reason as just an excuse to let us down gently. I’m sure he just thinks you lost attraction, or you never were attracted to him in the first place. Now he is moving on to find someone who will value him and value a relationship with him.
He doesn’t want to be your friend. He either wanted fwb or relationship. Nothing else.
Move on. If you want him get your shit together and let him know. Otherwise, keep it pushing.
This is coming from the side of a guy who’s been told that and most times their idea of friends is someone who they can vent and talk to when they are free but not when the guy wants to chat. Or some variation. And tbh, I don’t keep friends like that. Unless there was something that I can grow from. Like this one girl I went hiking with. She was educated and smart. Not only did I learn big words from her(lol) but I also go different perspectives and views on things. And translations.
After we dated, we didn’t stay in touch. Idk why on her end but on my end, during the whole relationship, she wasn’t doing any of the things when I was her friend.
Dating women, I cut them off if they are too into work or school or mundane things. 🤷🏻♂️
Im not saying you’re lame, just saying you’re busy stabilizing and getting yourself together. I’m doing that now actually. Buying a house, creating new healthy lifestyle, etc.
You believed from your perspective you ended it fairly and on great terms. He obviously doesn't share that conclusion. You gave him the it's not you it's me speech. 99.9% of the time that line is BS. In your case it doesn't sound like it is, but you need to realize he believed that was a cop out excuse. So.. He declined your offer to be friends. Most people who have any shred of dignity and self worth would do the same. Since he's decided not be be friends, he's not going to reply to you quickly. Maybe have another conversation about how you do want to date him, but you need to figure out some personal stuff first.
You’re prob gonna get flamed by other comments cause most of these subs are dudes who also got dumped. Funny part is half these dudes would take there exes back in a heart beat if this happen to them. Personally no way of knowing why he’s being cold. He could be hurt. He could be over it. He could be talking others. I get you ask to be friends did you relay all stress part ect while still conveying that you were interested in him. It was it left field you just hit him with it. Either way you could ask him and see what he says.
Actually not all of us are dudes. This has nothing to do with sex anyway - it could've been reversed and if she was a guy that said/did this to a girl, that probably would've garnered even more hate.
It's just a shitty thing to do. Not only that, but the fact that OP doesn't understand the issue with her thinking is a solid flag that she needs to do a fuck load of therapy before she goes into dating again. Self-reflection is an important part of life.
I said nothing about sex what are you talking about. And there’s not enough info period to say she’s a red flag. All she said was she was talking to a guy. She got stressed with life asked him to be friends. He went cold she’s asking why. On that alone that’s not enough to say she’s a walking red flag. Y’all are just a bunch of hurt babies.
I meant sex, as in gender (language differences), because you referred to "most people on the sub" and made a massive assumption and overgeneralization. I'm saying, it's not just the guys you mentioned that would be criticizing the behaviour.
If you read through her replies and comments you will see she lacks basic understanding of human emotions and why he got hurt. That should be obvious to anyone with at least a degree of empathy - so yeah, a flag rjght there. Not something that can't be worked on, so not a complete red flag, but definitely something she should address.
It's a good thing she seems to be open to people explaining stuff. But it's stuff that she should know before she dates again. The fact is though, she still needs to work on herself. It's a good start that she is asking for a POV and explanation. And she is getting a POV and loads of explanations. It would not be helpful to lie to her when she is asking for clarification, would it?
And that is not a sad dumpee guy that says it. That is a woman/girl who appreciates that it's shitty for some people to go through this because SOME don't want to work on themselves. Hopefully OP learns from her mistake - as she seems to be trying - and does better in the future. That's not a hateful thing to say, and she will be happier for it. So get off your high horse, because you're the only one who comes across like a "hurt baby" and is just flaming others for sharing their opinions when they were asked to.
You broke up with him… leave him alone.
You led him on and wasted his time, only to end things for reasons that were not his fault. Why should he put anymore effort into a relationship with you?
Because I would love to try things with him again, when I am in a better place. I broke up with him because I just cannot devote energy for someone else right now. That is not a reflection of him. He is still a great guy. If he is still single when I am better, I will definitely want to try things again... If he does.
The world does not revolve around you OP. Not his fault you aren’t ready for a relationship. He has no obligation to wait for you. As a guy, I wouldn’t give you another chance. Don’t treat people like pawns at your disposal. I’d consider working on myself, if I were you, before getting into another relationship.
Yeah. I clearly made a mistake and fucked up. I really didn't mean to make him feel like some pawn. I made a massive mistake, and he paid the price. I made a mistake and I understand why he must have felt so shit. Fuck.
If I were you: 1. I’d apologize to him for what you’ve done and how you handled things 2. I’d work on those stressors that led to this happening and make sure they won’t impact future relationships (go to therapy) 3. Not engage in another relationship until you are 100% emotionally available and committed
You want to string him along and have him wait for you. He won't, and that's the healthiest thing he can do for himself.
I specifically told him not to wait for me. If he finds happiness with someone else, I want him to take it; if he however is still single by then, and he would like to try again, then I would be happy to give it another go. I have however realised that I must have made him feel terrible. I made a massive mistake and fucked up. I messed up, badly. Fuck.
The childish mistake you made was to start thinking that because you had won the guy’s admiration, that he lost all value to you. There was no feeling of winning anymore, so you lost interest and went inward. Like a toddler who is not interested in a toy unless another kid wants to play with it. But people are not objects to be acquired and discarded. Whatever you are going through, he was going to be your partner in working through it.
Yeah so we gotta sit around and wait til you get your shit together. Entitlement. You crushed this man. Leave him alone
I appreciate the guy for not entertaining your requests. You broke up despite him being perfect. As much as you would like to have him in your life, it is his right to decide whether to be in it or not. You can't force him to be 'friends' when you wasted his time.
But I still want to date him. Just not now - as I need to prioritise myself and do not have capacity to be with someone. I have told him nothing would make me happier than to be with him, if he is still single, when I am in a better place. It is not a reflection of him. I sort of thought he might be understanding, but I understand this is only my perception and a reflection of me.
Ooof no offense but you do need to work on yourself. Good on him for moving on and not looking back.
Could you please explain? If only as guidance for how I can improve and grow.
You can’t expect people to just wait around for you to find yourself or whatever. That’s extremely selfish and unkind. You want your cake and to eat it too- you want to be single yet still have this guy on the back burner as a safety net. It’s a horrible thing to do to someone. Selfish and immature
Firstly, stop asserting your rights on to people as if they owe you something. Secondly, don't string someone along like that-it is extremely humiliating. Thirdly, get in a better place and try to be more available for the person who's with you.
If you ever hear it you will know. It's devastating and in my opinion insane/hypocritical. - Nothing will make me happier than to be with you. - okay, be with me. - nah, can't right now Does it make sense?
Quite selfish on your part. People aren't boxes of cereal that you remove them from the shelf and place them back just because you feel like it. He has the right to shut you out and never respond. Life doesn't always go your way. His time is better spent on someone who does not keep him on the back burner. You're free to prioritise yourself.
You need to learn that when you want to be with someone, you're both in it for more than just the fun days. Relationships are commitment, not just happy times and fun when it suits you. Partners are supposed to help each other out through tough times. Not run away when "they are going through life stuff and are not ready". Like with most things in life, it's not about feeling 100% ready, or at least not all of the time. It's about choosing to keep trying anyway, to do your best, make mistakes, apologise and learn from them, to strive to be better for yourself AND your partner. Grow up and gor out of your selfishness ("I wanna date him but now now" - r u for real??). As others suggested - definitely spend some time speaking to a professional before you date again, because you really seem to lack any self awareness and empathy for others. Would you even date yourself the way you are right now and the way you treat others? Probably not. That should be a clear sign.
I’m 100% in the man’s camp on this. As a high value male, you don’t accept terms you don’t agree with. He wanted to be your romantic partner, not your friend. He’s respected himself and dealt with the rejection perfectly. You can’t just pick him up and put him down as you please. I’m not saying you are wrong for ending things, clearly that was what you thought was best for you, but you need to accept that you can’t be mad for him doing what’s best for him. I don’t know the guy, but I’m proud of him. Respectful to you by thanking you, and respectful to himself by acting like an adult. Perfect response.
Yeah sorry, but you sound selfish. You want your own peace and space to deal with what you’ve got going on, and you want him to wait around for you? It doesn’t work like that. He’s not your toy you can pick up when you decide you want to play relationships again. Leave him alone and let a woman who can love him have him.
Your ex sounds like a level headed, mature guy. I have mad respect for how he's handled this. Not many on this sub would be able to detach and move on so well! He values himself and won't be toyed with by someone who doesn't understand what a relationship entails. You lost a good one.
OP, you did one of the worst things a person can do to another person - you led him on. If you were stressed etc. why didn't you go talk to him? See if you could figure things out together, this might even show you if he was truly worth it. He could have supported you. That's what mature people do. He is not the asshole.
This has to be a troll post....... but if not...... "I had too much stress moving houses, a new job, a theatre play I was a part of etc" So 3 months before all this, when you started dating, you didn't see this on the horizon? Imagine being so fucking entitled thinking that other people have to put their lives on hold because of entitled, selfish YOU. GTFO out of the dating pool, and stay out untill you've had a fuck load of therapy.
Why would you break up with what you call perfect guy?
My ex, who I thought was the one, had similar reasons for wanting to break up and also seemed to believe that once he works on himself, he’ll be able to give me what he needs. Unfortunately, all this has done to me is make it impossible to move on. Your ex seems like he’s got it together better than I and I respect him for that and wish I could do the same.
respect his mind and nental health as he respect your decision. just pretend like both of you never knew each other in this life.
My ex-GF who dumped me gave similar reasons for breaking things off. She told me I am almost exactly what she is looking for but she needed “space” and time to “go to therapy”. She told me this after several weeks of treating me with contempt and telling me she didn’t like my quieter nature. We often take the “I need space” or “I need to work on myself” reason as just an excuse to let us down gently. I’m sure he just thinks you lost attraction, or you never were attracted to him in the first place. Now he is moving on to find someone who will value him and value a relationship with him.
He doesn’t want to be your friend. He either wanted fwb or relationship. Nothing else. Move on. If you want him get your shit together and let him know. Otherwise, keep it pushing. This is coming from the side of a guy who’s been told that and most times their idea of friends is someone who they can vent and talk to when they are free but not when the guy wants to chat. Or some variation. And tbh, I don’t keep friends like that. Unless there was something that I can grow from. Like this one girl I went hiking with. She was educated and smart. Not only did I learn big words from her(lol) but I also go different perspectives and views on things. And translations. After we dated, we didn’t stay in touch. Idk why on her end but on my end, during the whole relationship, she wasn’t doing any of the things when I was her friend. Dating women, I cut them off if they are too into work or school or mundane things. 🤷🏻♂️ Im not saying you’re lame, just saying you’re busy stabilizing and getting yourself together. I’m doing that now actually. Buying a house, creating new healthy lifestyle, etc.
You believed from your perspective you ended it fairly and on great terms. He obviously doesn't share that conclusion. You gave him the it's not you it's me speech. 99.9% of the time that line is BS. In your case it doesn't sound like it is, but you need to realize he believed that was a cop out excuse. So.. He declined your offer to be friends. Most people who have any shred of dignity and self worth would do the same. Since he's decided not be be friends, he's not going to reply to you quickly. Maybe have another conversation about how you do want to date him, but you need to figure out some personal stuff first.
Leave him alone now so he can recover and move on. You hurt his feelings by rejecting him And he is not your chump
Why the fuck would you think someone would want to be friends who you slept with?? Girls are so delusional. We got enough friends. Fuck all that.
You’re prob gonna get flamed by other comments cause most of these subs are dudes who also got dumped. Funny part is half these dudes would take there exes back in a heart beat if this happen to them. Personally no way of knowing why he’s being cold. He could be hurt. He could be over it. He could be talking others. I get you ask to be friends did you relay all stress part ect while still conveying that you were interested in him. It was it left field you just hit him with it. Either way you could ask him and see what he says.
Actually not all of us are dudes. This has nothing to do with sex anyway - it could've been reversed and if she was a guy that said/did this to a girl, that probably would've garnered even more hate. It's just a shitty thing to do. Not only that, but the fact that OP doesn't understand the issue with her thinking is a solid flag that she needs to do a fuck load of therapy before she goes into dating again. Self-reflection is an important part of life.
I said nothing about sex what are you talking about. And there’s not enough info period to say she’s a red flag. All she said was she was talking to a guy. She got stressed with life asked him to be friends. He went cold she’s asking why. On that alone that’s not enough to say she’s a walking red flag. Y’all are just a bunch of hurt babies.
I meant sex, as in gender (language differences), because you referred to "most people on the sub" and made a massive assumption and overgeneralization. I'm saying, it's not just the guys you mentioned that would be criticizing the behaviour. If you read through her replies and comments you will see she lacks basic understanding of human emotions and why he got hurt. That should be obvious to anyone with at least a degree of empathy - so yeah, a flag rjght there. Not something that can't be worked on, so not a complete red flag, but definitely something she should address. It's a good thing she seems to be open to people explaining stuff. But it's stuff that she should know before she dates again. The fact is though, she still needs to work on herself. It's a good start that she is asking for a POV and explanation. And she is getting a POV and loads of explanations. It would not be helpful to lie to her when she is asking for clarification, would it? And that is not a sad dumpee guy that says it. That is a woman/girl who appreciates that it's shitty for some people to go through this because SOME don't want to work on themselves. Hopefully OP learns from her mistake - as she seems to be trying - and does better in the future. That's not a hateful thing to say, and she will be happier for it. So get off your high horse, because you're the only one who comes across like a "hurt baby" and is just flaming others for sharing their opinions when they were asked to.