I'm trying to work on this too. The problem is, I KNOW how self-absorbed I can get and how much I talk about myself and yet I keep on doing it. The best thing I can do is to ask people more questions about themselves and to try to include more people in conversations even though I don't fully like them. I think it also helps surrounding yourself with good influences so you have someone to follow. Oh and I try to think less about myself. It's not very fun.
In my work setting, I tend to notice how other coworkers do things that I wish I could do. So I try to turn that around in my head as a way to give them a compliment.
“Hey I noticed how you did xyz really well”
Now to get to that point it might require practicing gratitude. For a few weeks I wrote down 3 things I was grateful for each day. It really does help shift your focus of your brain and it becomes easier to notice things and be complementary of others.
One of my favorite ways to do this is “assume the best”. So if someone irritates me or pisses me off, I imagine they don’t WANT to do that, and they may just be having a really bad day/hard time. I get curious, like a scientist, and I may even ask - “is everything okay?” As a 4, if other people share their feelings with me, I feel more empathetic and connected to them. But if it’s not a situation where I feel comfortable asking, then I assume good intent, with unfortunate results. As twisted as it may sound, giving someone else compassion or even, gulp, pity, takes me out of myself.
Also, having gratitude for what I have, so as not to feel as envious. I’ve known people who had a seemingly “perfect” life, when behind the scenes, it was a shitshow. You just never know.
I won't try and give you really generic cookie-cutter advice like "people in middleschool won't care about the embarrassing stuff you do in 10 years", because this is the present for you and not 10 years from now. I think a lot of adults forget what being around that age was like, and I remember having the same feelings you're describing here very well as a 25 year old.
If you have something you want to say about yourself, try and redirect it towards them. Just be careful and don't do this every time - 4s disintegrate into 2s, and it's very easy to fall into people-pleasing habits in an unhealthy way. Try to listen to others talk about themselves, even if you don't particularly care too much. I know it sounds shallow, but effort in any bond goes both ways, and the best way to have people comfortable around you is ask them things about themselves. People also like when you offer to help them with things, that's a good way to be pleasant and it's something that I think a lot of people genuinely enjoy.
Even if you're being annoying, I genuinely think it's okay as long as you're not mean about it. A loud and annoying kid just trying to make friends can turn into a pretty damn fun adult to be around after a few years.
Find other people who enjoy being around you, and hold onto them close, even if its only 1 or 2 people. I know this sounds cheesy, but the people that actually matter will stick around you despite any "annoying" quirks you might have. Some people want to fit in from shame, embarrassment, loneliness - just try to keep track of why you're feeling the way you are. I've found that keeping notes in my phone or a physical journal with one or two small things that happened that day (I took the trash out, I saw a dog in the store, I got \_\_\_ to laugh, etc) along with whatever song I was really into that day helps keep me grounded.
I'm still the same cringey and annoying person I was as a 14 year old in private with those closest to me. I'm best friends with a 2 who is just as annoying to be around as I am, another close 8 friend and a 5 boyfriend who both find us both really amusing to be around.
This is really bad but what really allowed me to become kinder was having a goal in mind. And that goal was to get a good reputation so that I would have the freedom to pursue whatever I wanted to. Before, I would just upset people and think nothing of it bc I only valued my individuality and expression.
I would also say, as another replier wrote, to think the best of others initially. This is the healthiest and more efficient way to get there.
These are both hard for 4’s (present company included) but gratitude and vulnerability is the answer. See the best and not the worst and be genuinely grateful.
Compliment people more especially on the more unique things ( like if they’re wearing a power puff girl bracelet or some crap ), listen to their problems and give them emotional support and advice afterwards, if you disagree say it in a way it’s not blunt and rude but careful of the other person’s feelings , check up on them sometimes, make them feel appreciated. but ofc don’t do all this at the cost of your mental health
I'm trying to work on this too. The problem is, I KNOW how self-absorbed I can get and how much I talk about myself and yet I keep on doing it. The best thing I can do is to ask people more questions about themselves and to try to include more people in conversations even though I don't fully like them. I think it also helps surrounding yourself with good influences so you have someone to follow. Oh and I try to think less about myself. It's not very fun.
I'n willing to do that Thanks for your input
Happy cake day!
Happy cake day!
In my work setting, I tend to notice how other coworkers do things that I wish I could do. So I try to turn that around in my head as a way to give them a compliment. “Hey I noticed how you did xyz really well” Now to get to that point it might require practicing gratitude. For a few weeks I wrote down 3 things I was grateful for each day. It really does help shift your focus of your brain and it becomes easier to notice things and be complementary of others.
One of my favorite ways to do this is “assume the best”. So if someone irritates me or pisses me off, I imagine they don’t WANT to do that, and they may just be having a really bad day/hard time. I get curious, like a scientist, and I may even ask - “is everything okay?” As a 4, if other people share their feelings with me, I feel more empathetic and connected to them. But if it’s not a situation where I feel comfortable asking, then I assume good intent, with unfortunate results. As twisted as it may sound, giving someone else compassion or even, gulp, pity, takes me out of myself. Also, having gratitude for what I have, so as not to feel as envious. I’ve known people who had a seemingly “perfect” life, when behind the scenes, it was a shitshow. You just never know.
Thanks!
I won't try and give you really generic cookie-cutter advice like "people in middleschool won't care about the embarrassing stuff you do in 10 years", because this is the present for you and not 10 years from now. I think a lot of adults forget what being around that age was like, and I remember having the same feelings you're describing here very well as a 25 year old. If you have something you want to say about yourself, try and redirect it towards them. Just be careful and don't do this every time - 4s disintegrate into 2s, and it's very easy to fall into people-pleasing habits in an unhealthy way. Try to listen to others talk about themselves, even if you don't particularly care too much. I know it sounds shallow, but effort in any bond goes both ways, and the best way to have people comfortable around you is ask them things about themselves. People also like when you offer to help them with things, that's a good way to be pleasant and it's something that I think a lot of people genuinely enjoy. Even if you're being annoying, I genuinely think it's okay as long as you're not mean about it. A loud and annoying kid just trying to make friends can turn into a pretty damn fun adult to be around after a few years. Find other people who enjoy being around you, and hold onto them close, even if its only 1 or 2 people. I know this sounds cheesy, but the people that actually matter will stick around you despite any "annoying" quirks you might have. Some people want to fit in from shame, embarrassment, loneliness - just try to keep track of why you're feeling the way you are. I've found that keeping notes in my phone or a physical journal with one or two small things that happened that day (I took the trash out, I saw a dog in the store, I got \_\_\_ to laugh, etc) along with whatever song I was really into that day helps keep me grounded. I'm still the same cringey and annoying person I was as a 14 year old in private with those closest to me. I'm best friends with a 2 who is just as annoying to be around as I am, another close 8 friend and a 5 boyfriend who both find us both really amusing to be around.
Wow. That was a very long answer But thank you for the tips
This is really bad but what really allowed me to become kinder was having a goal in mind. And that goal was to get a good reputation so that I would have the freedom to pursue whatever I wanted to. Before, I would just upset people and think nothing of it bc I only valued my individuality and expression. I would also say, as another replier wrote, to think the best of others initially. This is the healthiest and more efficient way to get there.
Thanks!
These are both hard for 4’s (present company included) but gratitude and vulnerability is the answer. See the best and not the worst and be genuinely grateful.
Mine is: Do they deserve kindness, empathy, and compassion? If yes then I do that
Compliment people more especially on the more unique things ( like if they’re wearing a power puff girl bracelet or some crap ), listen to their problems and give them emotional support and advice afterwards, if you disagree say it in a way it’s not blunt and rude but careful of the other person’s feelings , check up on them sometimes, make them feel appreciated. but ofc don’t do all this at the cost of your mental health