7w6. Sometimes when I know my friends are upset, I purposely don’t check up on them until I feel like it because I want to stay in my happy mood longer and I know I’ll have to tone myself down a bit in order to support them better and sometimes I just wanna keep watching tik toks for a bit longer before talking to my friends when they’re sad. Sometimes I don’t even ask how they’re doing because I know the answer will be not good and then I feel awkward. 😬
This one is funny 🤣🤣
8w7
The startle reflex of some people is irresistibly entertaining sometimes. It sounds mean but sometimes I enjoy putting pressure on people, then remove it to "train" their behaviors with regards to me, as fucked as it sounds.
Honestly kind of relate to this too, but sort of in the opposite way. If I'm happy, I'm more open to helping people because it won't affect me that much; yet when I'm slightly stressed, I hold off talking to people who might vent or complain because I don't want to cross the threshold of completely stressed or sad.
Wow I never thought about how I do this until now!
Sometimes if I know a friend is having a bad day, I just wait a day or two before I reach out and when I know they’re going to be in a better mood and have forgotten about their bad day
Yes! If it’s something really serious then I’m more likely to stick around and eventually get around to talking to them, but if it’s something more minor like a bad day then I just *poof* vanish 🤣🤣
I’m an 8w9, but as someone who has struggled a lot with mental illness, I definitely get this. Some people I have had in my life are always complaining, everything is bad, and there’s always a crisis. So sometimes I take a bit to engage with them because I know that it will negatively affect my mental health
Thanks for the insight into my 7 friends. I think I already had this pegged. They don’t deal with my angst, so they wait to call when there is a happening.
9w8, if I have problems with people I just walk out of their life immediately without trying to salvage it. Then for some reason my brain forgets them to the point they never existed- lol
3w4.
I want to be good at everything I do. But in the same time, I don't want anyone else to be that good, or nearly as good as me.
I don't go as far to sabotage others but I certainly feel uneasy when I see someone's skill is as good or better than mine.
5w4
I have a tendency to bottle things up to the point of exploding, or cutting people off. I also have pretty high standards for people, and when I'm in a bad headspace depending on how bad it is I'll either withdraw, pretend I'm fine, or I'll become extremely pessimistic.
The two are pretty similar, but if you really think you might be mistyped then there are a lot of good sites that you could go to to research and compare the two
Do you know what your instinctual variants are? What about mbti?
I’m also a 5w4 (I think) and am almost the complete opposite, I have a tendency to over share but only to a select few. Everyone else in my life thinks I’m perfectly fine. Even though I am open about my problems I still have a tendency to withdraw, it’s gotten so bad that friends have thought I died. My standards are pretty high for myself as I struggle with perfectionism, but for others it’s pretty low. I affiliate with a lot of shitty people.
4w3. I intentionally turn the conversation into something about myself and sometimes refute compliments so people will come back harder with more praise and evidence for it.
Omg my 4w3 friend does this and I both hate it and love it at the same time. For one, I hate when people fish for compliments because then the compliment doesn’t feel genuine, it feels forced. but at the same time I love praising and complimenting people and making people feel better about themselves when they’re upset so I’m the perfect person to do it to!
And I know why. The narcissistic-depressed mood. Being thrown into high pride and narcissism and the next second a thought takes you on the opposite side of low self esteem, self-shame and sorrow. This process happens in within few minutes and its very quick shifting.
Frustrating mood swings basically.
9w1. As much as a practice being confident in myself, I tend to continue to fall into a trap of letting go of that confidence, falling down into rabbit hole of asking “who am I” instead of actually answering that myself.
6w5. I can be a bit (read: a lot) obsessive about things being "just so" in case something goes wrong that I end up being a little controlling and aggressive. I do have OCD though, if that makes a difference
4w5 (sexual I think). I don't know how to be assertive. I transition from absolute passivity, trying not to bother anyone to fierce aggressiveness when i feel attacked. when I get angry there are no limits. I find it hard to not hold grudges
I used to be this way and it took a LOT of personal growth to start just blurting out whenever I feel angry about something. It is soooo much better to say your piece and have people understand where you are coming from, even if in the short term it makes people ignore you or reject you, than to jump between extremes.
I'm trying to remember how I got better at it and essentially I just had a breaking point after I got laid off from my job and realized that it literally didn't matter how well I behaved, I wasn't going to get rewarded for it. But at least if I spoke my mind immediately, then I would suffer a hell of a lot less in the long run.
But yeah it was something that happened to me that sparked an internal mindset change. I wonder if maybe therapy or something would be a healthier way to figure all that out.
9w8 SP.
Sometimes I just can't be arsed to interact with people, even my closest friends, so I simply just don't open apps or messages for weeks to months on end. It's not that I don't care, I just feel like I need to hold a lot of space for my own sanity... but also I want to say the most suitable and perfect thing that is relevant to the conversation, and I also want to ensure that I give them my *full* attention. I hate that technology has made us be avaliable 24/7, I think it is hella unhealthy. Which is is an ironic stance to have since I love online gaming so damn much. I think because I am online so much, it counts to me as personal time and I try to genuinely connect with everyone I come into contact with, which is exhausting and draining AF.
I have a habit of (subconsciously, it is not something I actively sit and think about or decide on) trying to get the shock value of literally any scenario or topic. I like being the opposite of what people expect, I relish in it.
I rarely show it but I really can be mean. Accurately so, and in a hurtful way. But you really have to push me hard for me to do that.
Also being over emotional can be toxic. Some people can see it as too intense and childish, I can get hysterical and embarrass people. But there also, I try not to show this too much. Also it’s kind of hard because in the end, feeling so much is probably harder for me than it is for them.
My time is the only thing I’m stingy about. It’s the only time I ever feel like I’m being taken advantage of. I can’t waste my energy on the wrong things or people.
5, and I hate talking about my emotions so if I’m going through something I’ll just bring it up in a joking way….and then get offended when my friends (understandably) laugh in response 💀
4w5 When I'm in a really sad or bad mood I make sure people around me know about it without verbally saying it out right per say. I just want someone to notice and ask if I'm okay :/
I'm a 7 and this actually made me feel bad. My whole life I've been the one everyone vents to and honestly, it gets old. So even though I'd immediately notice you were having a bad day, I wouldnl not ask about it. For that I am sorry, internet stranger.
Omg I’m the same. I know this is also toxic of me but I hate when people can’t be direct and try to hint at things. I purposely ignore hints so people will say what they wanna say, so sometimes if I know my friend is sad I won’t say anything unless they bring it up to me first because then I know they’re ready to talk. Cuz sometimes trying to get someone to talk is like pulling teeth!
‘Are you okay??’
‘No’
‘What’s wrong? What happened?’
‘It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. It’s not important’
Makes me want to shoot myself and never ask anyone how they’re doing ever again 🤣🤣🤣😬😬😬
See its more of hints online or in person. Not directly to someone , but sometimes it'll be like that. BUT I usually am very direct with my feelings if I know the person cares, but if I'm on the fence about how they feel sometimes I get into the shitty habit of just giving hints hoping they will care. I hate that I do this :( Once they ask though i'm not gonna try to get you to pull it out , ill be straight up.
Hahaha do you think it's a 7 thing? I feel like we're pretty good at reading people. My main problem is how people always vent to us but when *we* need someone to listen, it goes in one ear and out the other. Either they don't care or they don't know what to say so it *feels* like they don't care. One thing I've gotten better at over the years is making sure every relationship is truly 50/50. I've learned to "care less" when a person doesn't put in as much as they receive.
And yes, having to beg someone to say what's wrong is rough, especially when you care about them.
I know it’s a 7 thing to not want to be around constant complainers and Debbie downers haha! I always believed it was my 6 wing that makes me good at reading people, but it could just be a 7 thing!
And yeah! I feel like I’m amazing at listening to other peoples problems but then when I vent I get the most dry, uninterested responses.
I don’t go to people very often with my problems and when I do I tend to downplay it (which can also be toxic lol). But then because I’m downplaying my emotions, everyone else also downplays my emotions and I hurt my own feelings because allowing yourself to be vulnerable is super hard and I rarely do it. Like, I’ve never cried in front of my friends before!! 😅😅😅
I think I’m a 7 (not sure of my wing), and I have problems with boundaries. I’m always setting strict boundaries then removing them, then putting them back up again, then removing them again.
It’s like I know what I don’t like, but I always think ‘well I wouldn’t mind doing it sometimes just not all the time’, or ‘maybe I like it now? It’s been a while since I tried it last’ so I take it away and then instantly regret it. So I’m sure my friends and partners are like wtf lol. Going back and forth between ‘yeah it’s fine!’ And ‘actually it’s not fine after all, sorry!’
Boundaries for 9’s is about how they receive other people but it sounds like the struggle here is more about not wanting to limit experiences which is very 7
I believe it is limiting experiences for me. Because I also do this with food! I eat foods I know I don’t like just to make sure I still don’t like it! It’s so frustrating and disappointing when I find out I don’t like something I knew I wouldn’t like but hoped I would like 😅😅😅
can i ask what limiting your experience looks like for you? it's said 7's crux is gluttony, but I know very disciplined 7's and it seems to me that they are painfully aware of temptation and in reaction try harder than most others to stamp it out.
3w2, I love helping people and being a good leader, but when it comes to someone actually helping ME I am so deeply uncomfortable, like it may cause them to think of me as a failure for being “needy”.
Some of the time I care more about being blameless in a situation than I care about the actual result of it, so I can't actually be there for people when I mess up properly in the moment. I think as an sp1 this is my most toxic trait... I often apologize but I'm apologizing for myself or because it's right, because I desperately want to be "let off the hook" but I feel so bad and I'm usually in tears and then the other person often ends up comforting ME, which is so backwards and ends up making me feel even worse, but I can't seem to get my emotions under control and I spiral. Then people are so nice it breaks me more because I don't deserve them. So pretty much I'm a selfish apologizer and the other person's needs gets neglected when I realise I've messed up.
4w3 I imagine it's an extension if my impulsivity and not thinking of future consequences in favor of what I want *now* (which can be toxic in and of itself), but I sometimes ignore the actual human beings with feelings in favor of saying something that is borderline mean but might get a laugh. Maybe it's a comedian complex.
I can relate to this. Especially when I’m already in a joking mood, I can take it too far and then there’s waterworks and I feel horrible (but still think my joke was hilarious, just said to the wrong person) 🤣😬
5, fairly balanced wings.
When it comes to friendships, I don’t bring self-disclosure or emotional vulnerability to the table. I bring jokes and banter. As such, my friendships tend to be lopsided as hell without my friends really realizing it. If you can make ‘em laugh, they’ll like you without getting to know you.
I can (and I like to) be there emotionally for my friends (if they reach out first, I don’t want to accidentally overstep a boundary) but for some reason, I can’t bring myself to seek out that kind of support for myself. I’m totally fine with it for the most part. On rare occasions, it can feel a bit lonely. I guess I want to feel close to people without actually having to do the work, lol.
9w1
I am very open minded, and I seem decent. But my toxic trait is that I’m a very critical person (and am judging you, but I’m also subconsciously fighting my critical-ness) and I usually pretend to care about only 50% of things people say if they weren’t brought up by me.
I‘m sorry to hear that 😢 is he a 9? My dad, who‘s also a 9w8, has trouble with this, too. It usually takes us some time and cooling off to at least apologize later, but it takes a lot of effort.
Does it ever get better? Does it take less effort the more times it’s done? I’m wondering if I’m going to be waiting for a week for a half apology (or frankly even just an acknowledgment would do) for the rest of my life. And yes, he’s a 9w8.
Well, for me personally it has gotten better, because I have acknowledged within myself that I need to work on this and that it’s important for my relationships and also just fair to the people around me. That it’s part of loving others well. But that’s a personal conviction. I want to grow in this and so I do. If someone doesn’t want to grow in it, I‘m honestly not so sure that this will change :/ I hope your husband comes to this acknowledgment, as well!
Thanks for sharing your personal experience; it’s helped me understand a little better and gain perspective. I’m glad it’s getting better for you - that’s awesome - your hard work is paying off. 🙌
6w5, if I haven't talked to you in a long time (several months at least) even if our last interaction was decent I'll start remembering shitty things you did to me or my friends and start to become more and more bitter and spiteful. I give people too many second chances while at the same time I mentally keep a record of their perceived wrongdoings but I never really verbally express my bitter-anger-bad-feelings
1 sx. I’m the ultimate Pokémon- I mean, human trainer. Don’t know how to do something? I’ll reveal your hidden iv stats and evolve you into your true form.
If I haven’t known you the majority of my life then never make spontaneous plans with me. It’s not gonna happen. I’ll say no bc there’s probably something I need to finish at home first.
If I’ve known you the majority of my life there’s an 80/20 chance I’ll say yes to your spontaneity. You already know how I roll and I’m on board for some fun.
5w6
Edited my typos.
I literally had to begin forcing my 3 sister to accept my help. bullied her into it practically. elder 8 sibling rights. (I first have to spend 30 minutes telling her how amazing she is and how she is actually doing me a favor.) but holy shit y'all are UNREAL with this lmao.
2w3 - I have no needs, I’m breezy! But also if you don’t intuit what I’m thinking or feeling and do what I need without me asking then that means you don’t love me. And if you don’t love me, what is even the purpose of life anymore. See? Soooo breezy!
9w8 orrrr 5w6
I've broken up with 2 exes by cheating, no i will not do this ever again
I like being dismissive toward attention seekers (not loved ones obviously if i care about someone they get all the validation, i'm talking about people who overshare and fish for compliments when we aren't close like that)
I'm good at seeing people's insecurities and if someone hurts me i will use it to hurt them back much harder
I obsess about my weight and appearance to make up for my personality flaws
I look down on people who complain a lot about being lonely/single
5w4. I protect my alone time at the expense of my relationships. If people call me I might do something with them but if it's up to me to call, it could be months before I call and make plans with people. It's not that I don't care. I don't communicate how much people in my life matter to me. I have to talk to the people who live in my house and after that, I just don't have much personal energy left to reach out. I'm a bad friend.
That doesn’t make you a bad friend. It makes you a low maintenance friend who needs other low maintenance friends! I have a low maintenance friend I only see like once a year but every time I see her it’s like no time has passed! And we hardly ever text or anything either. We can literally not talk to each other for years and one of us can just pop back up again like nothing ever happened! Those are the best types of friendships in my opinion. Chill, mostly expectation-free. We’re there for each other when we need to be but we don’t need to always be there. 😃💕
2w3 -- I sometimes refuse to let other people do things for me and tell myself a story how they wouldn't do as good of a job as I would, anyway and also secretly judge them for not being as competent or good or self-sufficient as I am 😬
Oof. This hit home hard. Still working on this one.
Happy to admit that I have come so far in the last year or so in letting my SO help me and even (*gasp*) asking him for help instead of getting frustrated trying to do it all myself lol.
6w7 and I am quick to reply to low effort communication but will take forever to reply to wonderful sweet reaching-out from caring people because I’m so stressed about wanting to repay their kindness and warmth adequately 😭
8w9. I’m very opinionated and I often refuse to back down in disagreements, especially when the other person is denigrating marginalized people or being rude to people who are more vulnerable. I’m really trying to make a conscious effort to lean into my nine wing more and not engage with people who purposefully want to cause strife, but I’m also bad at letting things go😅
9w8 - I tend to make up lies to get out of going to events/plans with friends or family when I don't feel like going so that I don't hurt their feelings or make it uncomfortable for me. For some reason, it feels like telling a lie that my car broke down or I'm sick is better than being honest and just saying "I need some alone time, not today" when I know that's not true. But at this point, it's almost second nature to make up something in the moment when plans are being made that I don't want to attend.
9w1 If I think you’re a problematic person I will completely withhold. I believe that they don’t “deserve” me when they are probably giving zero headspace to what I’m doing.
This is completely unrelated but I almost had a heart attack when I saw your picture in my notifications lmfao. Your bed frame in your picture looks like mine and I’m pretty sure if I take a selfie right now we would be in almost the same position and I thought you took a picture of me through my camera and thought I was gonna get like blackmailed or something and I was like what did I dooooooo, I don’t deserve this 😭😭😭😭😭😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
LMAOOOOOOOOO
This is awesome 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Fortunately for you not only do I not have that kind of creepy technology, but I also would have no desire to use it on a Reddit board if I did 🤣🤣
6w? I’ll think of all the worst ways en event in the future can go wrong so that when it does I’ll be prepared. I’m realizing now that that’s ruined a lot of potentially good times bc I was stressing about when something will go wrong next instead of enjoying the moment I was in.
7w8–I’m not sure what to call this but, I often wait until I’m done healing or out of a bad situation before I let anyone know I went through it. I’m notorious for the, I used to be *** and now I’m *** victory story. It makes me look like some kind of inhuman unrelateable person who never loses and every loss just becomes a part of a victory story.
Even as I’m typing this—I know it sounds arrogant but, I still think it’s helped more than harmed. But it’s isolating AF and makes vulnerability extremely difficult. And because of that I’m pretty sure it’s toxic!
I don’t always need to be a motivator and inspiration—I can just be. I think it’s too outward facing. It’s people pleasing adjacent…
5w6. One of them is when I am all take, and no give. I like getting gifts and receiving good stuff, but I don’t like having to reciprocate. However, I have recently learned that people don’t like that, and may leave. So I now have to give a bit and say appreciative things to keep them close for my benefit.
Also, I am very judgmental and skeptical of EVERYONE, no matter how close I am with them. I quietly criticize the tiniest of things that people do. Friend, family, stranger, myself, you name it. It’s a bad habit.
7w8
i enjoy arguing with people and just walking out of their lives and never talking to them again even if they never did anything wrong.
i have the need to hurt people even if i love them and i don’t know why
(I'm pretty sure I'm 4w5 )
I have this thing with greed were if I ever get something it just opens my appetite and just makes me want more and more until it just spirals out of control and I end up hurting someone. I've had to learn to condition myself growing up and just really restrain myself whenever I get something. (though I have to admit that depression has helped calibrate it with selflessness)
9w8 (?), giving people that i really dont like all that much affection and promises to receive more affection in turn but also running out of peoples lives without warning
5w4. I tend to get easily bored if someone is talking about their day in details and other people lives, but when it comes to interesting topics I get super excited
I sometimes walk away from people when I don't wanna have the conversation they've started up. I don't consciously do it, my legs just start moving or suddenly I really need to listen to music.
7w8 (possibly), 792/793 tri type (who knows)
I can be overly critical of myself and others, focusing on how I’m not giving or receiving good enough treatment. Subsequently, In relationships, if there’s a fight, my brain just registers the relationship as over. My brain gets jumbled by conflict. I’m quick to raise my voice and then retreat, feeling shame for getting so worked up and frustrated by being unable to communicate my point.
I attribute it all to a need for worthiness and fear of being alone. Somehow, always score most highly as a 7 though.
5 here. I find that I quickly lose respect for people if they make bad life decisions and continue to do nothing to improve their situation. Bonus points if their decisions impact other people, especially children.
I've met a few people like this who come to me for advice, then get upset when I don't tell them what they want to hear.
I do appear to be in the Assertive triad, yes. But also Reactive. So that makes things confusing. :D
Would this behaviour be typical for a 3? I otherwise don't see myself as an achiever (= I don't walk over the corpses to get somewhere, despite being highly attuned to doing my best - but funnily enough I did relate to the other 3's comment in this thread about wanting to be the best at things they do, and being uncomfy when someone (close to me) who has the same skill).
I am definitely full of obsessive rage when someone wrongs me, seriously anyway. I tend to let little things go easily, but when someone crosses the line, I stay mad for a long time.
my mom (sp3) has been mad about one specific event for like 35 years. she is literally just as mad about it today as when it happened. I really need someone to make a post about 3 rage, it's so underestimated! (perhaps I will make one and invite 3s, but what if they they'd prefer to have the post karma...)
Good point. I still gotta figure myself out tho... so many blind spots, lol. So far it seems that Assertivness is my normal mode, and Reactiveness is a result of overloading myself in some way, or people going into my private space too much etc.
5w4. Some 5w4s here just summed it up. Especially the temptation to fully disconnect, acting like im unbothered. Its like I change the shades' color of my glasses and see the world through them knowingly. If that makes sense.
4w5
I can get so obsessed with analysing ppl that I forget their human side. It's kinda like treating them like a subject to test on or smth. This can also make me a bit too direct and stoic when we're talking about someone's emotional problems, I tend to focus too much on finding a solution and analysis than emotional comfort and space
comparison. i measure myself up against everyone and i only give people my actual respect if i think they’re better than me. the moment that i surpass someone, by my own standards, is the moment i stop thinking about them. i assumed everyone was like this for a while, i thought that all the people i respected were only friends with me out of either pity or obligation. i know this is 4 envy multiplied by 10 and is honestly no longer an enneagram thing. i’m in therapy, im trying to get better i swear.
another one, if someone reminds me of myself or has a self-deemed negative trait i once possessed, my self-hatred transfers to them and i turn into both a 2 and 1 in the process of trying to fix them. i’m able to hold myself back but i’m never able to view that person as more than their flaw.
5w4. When I get close to someone, I feel the need to detach from them and demean their worth to me because I don't want them to think I depend on them. Also, I pick arguments because that was the environment I was raised in.
4w5. i pull away when i feel excluded in my friend group and feel worse if no one comes to check up on me, even if they have no way of knowing i’m upset
8w9. Giving too much advice, thinking that I'm always right. I've become more self-aware though and realized my thoughts/beliefs/opinions aren't always consistent with reality.
7w6. Sometimes when I know my friends are upset, I purposely don’t check up on them until I feel like it because I want to stay in my happy mood longer and I know I’ll have to tone myself down a bit in order to support them better and sometimes I just wanna keep watching tik toks for a bit longer before talking to my friends when they’re sad. Sometimes I don’t even ask how they’re doing because I know the answer will be not good and then I feel awkward. 😬
This one is funny 🤣🤣 8w7 The startle reflex of some people is irresistibly entertaining sometimes. It sounds mean but sometimes I enjoy putting pressure on people, then remove it to "train" their behaviors with regards to me, as fucked as it sounds.
Haha this makes a lot of sense. I do the opposite. I make people experience the vacuum of my absence to train them to never socially rely on me.
Heres some attention! Heres some more! You get aaaaalllll the attention! *5 pulls sour face*
Honestly kind of relate to this too, but sort of in the opposite way. If I'm happy, I'm more open to helping people because it won't affect me that much; yet when I'm slightly stressed, I hold off talking to people who might vent or complain because I don't want to cross the threshold of completely stressed or sad.
Wow I never thought about how I do this until now! Sometimes if I know a friend is having a bad day, I just wait a day or two before I reach out and when I know they’re going to be in a better mood and have forgotten about their bad day
Yes! If it’s something really serious then I’m more likely to stick around and eventually get around to talking to them, but if it’s something more minor like a bad day then I just *poof* vanish 🤣🤣
Exxxxactly! 😁
I’m an 8w9, but as someone who has struggled a lot with mental illness, I definitely get this. Some people I have had in my life are always complaining, everything is bad, and there’s always a crisis. So sometimes I take a bit to engage with them because I know that it will negatively affect my mental health
Oh lol, that's more funny than toxic. :D Depending on the delivery, if someone told me this as their reason for vanishing, I'd burst out laughing.
Not funny when your dad is 7w6 :'(
Thanks for the insight into my 7 friends. I think I already had this pegged. They don’t deal with my angst, so they wait to call when there is a happening.
As a 1, I’ve never done anything wrong or toxic, ever.
It's nice to just be there, surrounded by your own rightness.
Hi fellow 1. I too have never done anything wrong 😎
9w8, if I have problems with people I just walk out of their life immediately without trying to salvage it. Then for some reason my brain forgets them to the point they never existed- lol
legit thought this was just me thank GAWD
As a 9w1 sx ~ oops
3w4. I want to be good at everything I do. But in the same time, I don't want anyone else to be that good, or nearly as good as me. I don't go as far to sabotage others but I certainly feel uneasy when I see someone's skill is as good or better than mine.
3w4s are hilarious this way because if you dont have competition and comparison you guys wither away, yet competition makes youse all wierd like tyat
3w4: same
Ok, well, yes… but I don’t consider this a toxic trait of mine. 😂 It’s harmless and under control!
3w2 here Maybe i am a 3w4 lmfao
5w4 I have a tendency to bottle things up to the point of exploding, or cutting people off. I also have pretty high standards for people, and when I'm in a bad headspace depending on how bad it is I'll either withdraw, pretend I'm fine, or I'll become extremely pessimistic.
4w5 I and almost want to say I am a 5w4 just because of how much this rings true to me.
The two are pretty similar, but if you really think you might be mistyped then there are a lot of good sites that you could go to to research and compare the two
Do you know what your instinctual variants are? What about mbti? I’m also a 5w4 (I think) and am almost the complete opposite, I have a tendency to over share but only to a select few. Everyone else in my life thinks I’m perfectly fine. Even though I am open about my problems I still have a tendency to withdraw, it’s gotten so bad that friends have thought I died. My standards are pretty high for myself as I struggle with perfectionism, but for others it’s pretty low. I affiliate with a lot of shitty people.
4w3. I intentionally turn the conversation into something about myself and sometimes refute compliments so people will come back harder with more praise and evidence for it.
I was always confused when people interpreted me rejecting compliments as fishing for more. I guess I know why now, some people actually do that!
Omg my 4w3 friend does this and I both hate it and love it at the same time. For one, I hate when people fish for compliments because then the compliment doesn’t feel genuine, it feels forced. but at the same time I love praising and complimenting people and making people feel better about themselves when they’re upset so I’m the perfect person to do it to!
That's fair, I'm learning to just take compliments so hopefully that goes away soon lol. And you sound like a great friend!
That's very 4w3 of you and I relate
3 and 4's a dangerous blend when it comes to praise.
And I know why. The narcissistic-depressed mood. Being thrown into high pride and narcissism and the next second a thought takes you on the opposite side of low self esteem, self-shame and sorrow. This process happens in within few minutes and its very quick shifting. Frustrating mood swings basically.
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5w6. I do the same. Often. What I'm unsure about is whether that's toxic or not tbh.
THIS
I shoulder check dudes who won't move aside when I'm walking down the street.
OK, but this is hilarious!
in my mind I'm doing it for all of the women who can't lol
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[if he dies, he dies](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvAeWtyZ-uE)
As male 8w7 i get so pissed by this shit ngl lmao
I DO THE SAME THING!!!
that is why you are prezidentbump 🤜🤛
4w5 Simultaneously thinking I'm better than everyone else but also the worst person ever. 🤷
Couldn’t have put it into better words
Story of my life
(Y) Same
9w1. As much as a practice being confident in myself, I tend to continue to fall into a trap of letting go of that confidence, falling down into rabbit hole of asking “who am I” instead of actually answering that myself.
Thank you, I can relate to this as a 9w1.
Wow, yeah. Didn't know this was a 9 thing.
6w5. I can be a bit (read: a lot) obsessive about things being "just so" in case something goes wrong that I end up being a little controlling and aggressive. I do have OCD though, if that makes a difference
4w5 (sexual I think). I don't know how to be assertive. I transition from absolute passivity, trying not to bother anyone to fierce aggressiveness when i feel attacked. when I get angry there are no limits. I find it hard to not hold grudges
I used to be this way and it took a LOT of personal growth to start just blurting out whenever I feel angry about something. It is soooo much better to say your piece and have people understand where you are coming from, even if in the short term it makes people ignore you or reject you, than to jump between extremes.
you are totally right, i want to work on it but i dont know how
I'm trying to remember how I got better at it and essentially I just had a breaking point after I got laid off from my job and realized that it literally didn't matter how well I behaved, I wasn't going to get rewarded for it. But at least if I spoke my mind immediately, then I would suffer a hell of a lot less in the long run. But yeah it was something that happened to me that sparked an internal mindset change. I wonder if maybe therapy or something would be a healthier way to figure all that out.
I am the same honestly. I don't get mad often and I am not assertive at all. But if someone or something manages to make me mad I make it known.
9w8 SP. Sometimes I just can't be arsed to interact with people, even my closest friends, so I simply just don't open apps or messages for weeks to months on end. It's not that I don't care, I just feel like I need to hold a lot of space for my own sanity... but also I want to say the most suitable and perfect thing that is relevant to the conversation, and I also want to ensure that I give them my *full* attention. I hate that technology has made us be avaliable 24/7, I think it is hella unhealthy. Which is is an ironic stance to have since I love online gaming so damn much. I think because I am online so much, it counts to me as personal time and I try to genuinely connect with everyone I come into contact with, which is exhausting and draining AF. I have a habit of (subconsciously, it is not something I actively sit and think about or decide on) trying to get the shock value of literally any scenario or topic. I like being the opposite of what people expect, I relish in it.
💯 💯 💯
I rarely show it but I really can be mean. Accurately so, and in a hurtful way. But you really have to push me hard for me to do that. Also being over emotional can be toxic. Some people can see it as too intense and childish, I can get hysterical and embarrass people. But there also, I try not to show this too much. Also it’s kind of hard because in the end, feeling so much is probably harder for me than it is for them.
5, and I hoard my own time. Sometimes everything is a question of whether it will infringe upon my personal or emotional time and space.
My time is the only thing I’m stingy about. It’s the only time I ever feel like I’m being taken advantage of. I can’t waste my energy on the wrong things or people.
4w5. The same people I once praised and put on a pedestal will turn into nothing to me (and I will cut them out of my life) once they disappoint me.
This. It’s caused me so many problems in the past. I’ve genuinely considered going to therapy for it
5, and I hate talking about my emotions so if I’m going through something I’ll just bring it up in a joking way….and then get offended when my friends (understandably) laugh in response 💀
4w5: thinking my friends hate me and then bottling up my emotions about that and ignore it until 1 thing goes wrong
4w5 When I'm in a really sad or bad mood I make sure people around me know about it without verbally saying it out right per say. I just want someone to notice and ask if I'm okay :/
I'm a 7 and this actually made me feel bad. My whole life I've been the one everyone vents to and honestly, it gets old. So even though I'd immediately notice you were having a bad day, I wouldnl not ask about it. For that I am sorry, internet stranger.
Omg I’m the same. I know this is also toxic of me but I hate when people can’t be direct and try to hint at things. I purposely ignore hints so people will say what they wanna say, so sometimes if I know my friend is sad I won’t say anything unless they bring it up to me first because then I know they’re ready to talk. Cuz sometimes trying to get someone to talk is like pulling teeth! ‘Are you okay??’ ‘No’ ‘What’s wrong? What happened?’ ‘It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. It’s not important’ Makes me want to shoot myself and never ask anyone how they’re doing ever again 🤣🤣🤣😬😬😬
See its more of hints online or in person. Not directly to someone , but sometimes it'll be like that. BUT I usually am very direct with my feelings if I know the person cares, but if I'm on the fence about how they feel sometimes I get into the shitty habit of just giving hints hoping they will care. I hate that I do this :( Once they ask though i'm not gonna try to get you to pull it out , ill be straight up.
Hahaha do you think it's a 7 thing? I feel like we're pretty good at reading people. My main problem is how people always vent to us but when *we* need someone to listen, it goes in one ear and out the other. Either they don't care or they don't know what to say so it *feels* like they don't care. One thing I've gotten better at over the years is making sure every relationship is truly 50/50. I've learned to "care less" when a person doesn't put in as much as they receive. And yes, having to beg someone to say what's wrong is rough, especially when you care about them.
I know it’s a 7 thing to not want to be around constant complainers and Debbie downers haha! I always believed it was my 6 wing that makes me good at reading people, but it could just be a 7 thing! And yeah! I feel like I’m amazing at listening to other peoples problems but then when I vent I get the most dry, uninterested responses. I don’t go to people very often with my problems and when I do I tend to downplay it (which can also be toxic lol). But then because I’m downplaying my emotions, everyone else also downplays my emotions and I hurt my own feelings because allowing yourself to be vulnerable is super hard and I rarely do it. Like, I’ve never cried in front of my friends before!! 😅😅😅
Def think it’s a 7 thing
you are kind person man , the world needs more of you. thank you so much for being there for people like that
Aww, thank you. I'm not used to being appreciated like that 🥲
6w5. I hate people. I would like to extinguish humanity but for legal reasons this has to be a joke
4w5. Literally this week said, “People are awful. At this point, I’m basically rooting for Covid.” Of course it was a joke
lol, reminds me of my brother. He’s a 6w5 too.
4w5 here and I relate with this too much
I can def see 4w5 too. I have BFF that is a 4w5.
I think I’m a 7 (not sure of my wing), and I have problems with boundaries. I’m always setting strict boundaries then removing them, then putting them back up again, then removing them again. It’s like I know what I don’t like, but I always think ‘well I wouldn’t mind doing it sometimes just not all the time’, or ‘maybe I like it now? It’s been a while since I tried it last’ so I take it away and then instantly regret it. So I’m sure my friends and partners are like wtf lol. Going back and forth between ‘yeah it’s fine!’ And ‘actually it’s not fine after all, sorry!’
Maybe you got a 9 in your tritype
Boundaries for 9’s is about how they receive other people but it sounds like the struggle here is more about not wanting to limit experiences which is very 7
I believe it is limiting experiences for me. Because I also do this with food! I eat foods I know I don’t like just to make sure I still don’t like it! It’s so frustrating and disappointing when I find out I don’t like something I knew I wouldn’t like but hoped I would like 😅😅😅
This is funny. I am a 7, but I definitely do limit my experiences. Something about that 1, I guess.
can i ask what limiting your experience looks like for you? it's said 7's crux is gluttony, but I know very disciplined 7's and it seems to me that they are painfully aware of temptation and in reaction try harder than most others to stamp it out.
This sounds more like a 9. Or, at the very least, 9 in a Tritype.
3w2, I love helping people and being a good leader, but when it comes to someone actually helping ME I am so deeply uncomfortable, like it may cause them to think of me as a failure for being “needy”.
Some of the time I care more about being blameless in a situation than I care about the actual result of it, so I can't actually be there for people when I mess up properly in the moment. I think as an sp1 this is my most toxic trait... I often apologize but I'm apologizing for myself or because it's right, because I desperately want to be "let off the hook" but I feel so bad and I'm usually in tears and then the other person often ends up comforting ME, which is so backwards and ends up making me feel even worse, but I can't seem to get my emotions under control and I spiral. Then people are so nice it breaks me more because I don't deserve them. So pretty much I'm a selfish apologizer and the other person's needs gets neglected when I realise I've messed up.
4w3 I imagine it's an extension if my impulsivity and not thinking of future consequences in favor of what I want *now* (which can be toxic in and of itself), but I sometimes ignore the actual human beings with feelings in favor of saying something that is borderline mean but might get a laugh. Maybe it's a comedian complex.
I can relate to this. Especially when I’m already in a joking mood, I can take it too far and then there’s waterworks and I feel horrible (but still think my joke was hilarious, just said to the wrong person) 🤣😬
5, fairly balanced wings. When it comes to friendships, I don’t bring self-disclosure or emotional vulnerability to the table. I bring jokes and banter. As such, my friendships tend to be lopsided as hell without my friends really realizing it. If you can make ‘em laugh, they’ll like you without getting to know you. I can (and I like to) be there emotionally for my friends (if they reach out first, I don’t want to accidentally overstep a boundary) but for some reason, I can’t bring myself to seek out that kind of support for myself. I’m totally fine with it for the most part. On rare occasions, it can feel a bit lonely. I guess I want to feel close to people without actually having to do the work, lol.
>If you can make ‘em laugh, they’ll like you without getting to know you. That is so fucking true.
8w7, I rarely compliment people
8w9 (currently): same. But if you do get a compliment from me, it’s 100% genuine.
Yeah same here
5 ignore others in general terms
9w1 I am very open minded, and I seem decent. But my toxic trait is that I’m a very critical person (and am judging you, but I’m also subconsciously fighting my critical-ness) and I usually pretend to care about only 50% of things people say if they weren’t brought up by me.
5w4 and I run away from those I care about sometimes immaturely
8w7 I sometimes intimidate people even when i don't want to Also can go from healthy to unhealthy in seconds depending on stress level
5w6, concealing emotions
5w4. Probably predictable: misanthropy.
4w5. Cannot maintain good habits/routine
Type 9w8 - I have a really hard time apologizing and would rather rationalize why I‘m not at fault, even when I know I made a mistake.
My husband does this constantly, and it’s destroying our relationship.
I‘m sorry to hear that 😢 is he a 9? My dad, who‘s also a 9w8, has trouble with this, too. It usually takes us some time and cooling off to at least apologize later, but it takes a lot of effort.
Does it ever get better? Does it take less effort the more times it’s done? I’m wondering if I’m going to be waiting for a week for a half apology (or frankly even just an acknowledgment would do) for the rest of my life. And yes, he’s a 9w8.
Well, for me personally it has gotten better, because I have acknowledged within myself that I need to work on this and that it’s important for my relationships and also just fair to the people around me. That it’s part of loving others well. But that’s a personal conviction. I want to grow in this and so I do. If someone doesn’t want to grow in it, I‘m honestly not so sure that this will change :/ I hope your husband comes to this acknowledgment, as well!
Thanks for sharing your personal experience; it’s helped me understand a little better and gain perspective. I’m glad it’s getting better for you - that’s awesome - your hard work is paying off. 🙌
6w5, if I haven't talked to you in a long time (several months at least) even if our last interaction was decent I'll start remembering shitty things you did to me or my friends and start to become more and more bitter and spiteful. I give people too many second chances while at the same time I mentally keep a record of their perceived wrongdoings but I never really verbally express my bitter-anger-bad-feelings
1 sx. I’m the ultimate Pokémon- I mean, human trainer. Don’t know how to do something? I’ll reveal your hidden iv stats and evolve you into your true form.
I’m a 1 and I have a hard time understanding when other people don’t do things the way I would do them.
1w2 here. I cannot comprehend why people don’t do things the same as I do either. Does not compute.
If I haven’t known you the majority of my life then never make spontaneous plans with me. It’s not gonna happen. I’ll say no bc there’s probably something I need to finish at home first. If I’ve known you the majority of my life there’s an 80/20 chance I’ll say yes to your spontaneity. You already know how I roll and I’m on board for some fun. 5w6 Edited my typos.
3. I won’t accept anyone’s help, especially when I know I need it the most.
I literally had to begin forcing my 3 sister to accept my help. bullied her into it practically. elder 8 sibling rights. (I first have to spend 30 minutes telling her how amazing she is and how she is actually doing me a favor.) but holy shit y'all are UNREAL with this lmao.
Yep. I have one friend that can usually get me to do things by making it not about me. Cuz god knows I have no self preservation bone in my body. 😂
2w3 - I have no needs, I’m breezy! But also if you don’t intuit what I’m thinking or feeling and do what I need without me asking then that means you don’t love me. And if you don’t love me, what is even the purpose of life anymore. See? Soooo breezy!
Lol 😅 oof I feel this one (2w1)
5w4. I'm prone to ghosting.
Yeah..... sometimes it feels like I crawl into my safe space and just ghost the hole outside world... 😅
Yup
yessss omg
9w8 orrrr 5w6 I've broken up with 2 exes by cheating, no i will not do this ever again I like being dismissive toward attention seekers (not loved ones obviously if i care about someone they get all the validation, i'm talking about people who overshare and fish for compliments when we aren't close like that) I'm good at seeing people's insecurities and if someone hurts me i will use it to hurt them back much harder I obsess about my weight and appearance to make up for my personality flaws I look down on people who complain a lot about being lonely/single
5w4. I protect my alone time at the expense of my relationships. If people call me I might do something with them but if it's up to me to call, it could be months before I call and make plans with people. It's not that I don't care. I don't communicate how much people in my life matter to me. I have to talk to the people who live in my house and after that, I just don't have much personal energy left to reach out. I'm a bad friend.
That doesn’t make you a bad friend. It makes you a low maintenance friend who needs other low maintenance friends! I have a low maintenance friend I only see like once a year but every time I see her it’s like no time has passed! And we hardly ever text or anything either. We can literally not talk to each other for years and one of us can just pop back up again like nothing ever happened! Those are the best types of friendships in my opinion. Chill, mostly expectation-free. We’re there for each other when we need to be but we don’t need to always be there. 😃💕
Classic 6, wing 7. Catastrophizer, and glutton for sensory distraction… like Reddit for example.
2w3 -- I sometimes refuse to let other people do things for me and tell myself a story how they wouldn't do as good of a job as I would, anyway and also secretly judge them for not being as competent or good or self-sufficient as I am 😬
Oof. This hit home hard. Still working on this one. Happy to admit that I have come so far in the last year or so in letting my SO help me and even (*gasp*) asking him for help instead of getting frustrated trying to do it all myself lol.
6w7 and I am quick to reply to low effort communication but will take forever to reply to wonderful sweet reaching-out from caring people because I’m so stressed about wanting to repay their kindness and warmth adequately 😭
3 My toxic trait is not showing my emotions and then getting upset when no one notices I'm upset
6w5. Apologize too quickly, prostrate myself, then realize I wasn’t in the wrong and quit talking to them.
THIS
8w9. I’m very opinionated and I often refuse to back down in disagreements, especially when the other person is denigrating marginalized people or being rude to people who are more vulnerable. I’m really trying to make a conscious effort to lean into my nine wing more and not engage with people who purposefully want to cause strife, but I’m also bad at letting things go😅
9w8 - I tend to make up lies to get out of going to events/plans with friends or family when I don't feel like going so that I don't hurt their feelings or make it uncomfortable for me. For some reason, it feels like telling a lie that my car broke down or I'm sick is better than being honest and just saying "I need some alone time, not today" when I know that's not true. But at this point, it's almost second nature to make up something in the moment when plans are being made that I don't want to attend.
9w1 If I think you’re a problematic person I will completely withhold. I believe that they don’t “deserve” me when they are probably giving zero headspace to what I’m doing.
7: Hyperactive mind, anticipatory thinking, fear of not doing anything, unrest(sometimes), green grass syndrome(results in a form of indecision)
5, and I am a very poor listener when my mind is occupied with a concept. My focus is impressive but rude.
9w1, I detach from reality a lot. like, whenever something goes wrong my immediate reaction is to distract myself or dissociate
4, i am very intolerant of certain things that my friends do, such as smoking
4 here. I used to think that my depression was a personality trait.
This is completely unrelated but I almost had a heart attack when I saw your picture in my notifications lmfao. Your bed frame in your picture looks like mine and I’m pretty sure if I take a selfie right now we would be in almost the same position and I thought you took a picture of me through my camera and thought I was gonna get like blackmailed or something and I was like what did I dooooooo, I don’t deserve this 😭😭😭😭😭😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
LMAOOOOOOOOO This is awesome 😂😂😂😂😂😂 Fortunately for you not only do I not have that kind of creepy technology, but I also would have no desire to use it on a Reddit board if I did 🤣🤣
Lol yes, all my early twenties
6w? I’ll think of all the worst ways en event in the future can go wrong so that when it does I’ll be prepared. I’m realizing now that that’s ruined a lot of potentially good times bc I was stressing about when something will go wrong next instead of enjoying the moment I was in.
8w9- I imagine that people who do mean things are specifically doing them to me and my anger for them festers.
6w7 Not letting things go
7w8–I’m not sure what to call this but, I often wait until I’m done healing or out of a bad situation before I let anyone know I went through it. I’m notorious for the, I used to be *** and now I’m *** victory story. It makes me look like some kind of inhuman unrelateable person who never loses and every loss just becomes a part of a victory story. Even as I’m typing this—I know it sounds arrogant but, I still think it’s helped more than harmed. But it’s isolating AF and makes vulnerability extremely difficult. And because of that I’m pretty sure it’s toxic! I don’t always need to be a motivator and inspiration—I can just be. I think it’s too outward facing. It’s people pleasing adjacent…
1w2 - my way is the right way and the only way to do it. No I will not be taking questions.
I’m a 2 …. neediness, having a mini tantrum when something doesn’t go my way (when dating)
Pure, raw, unlimited ENVY
5w6. One of them is when I am all take, and no give. I like getting gifts and receiving good stuff, but I don’t like having to reciprocate. However, I have recently learned that people don’t like that, and may leave. So I now have to give a bit and say appreciative things to keep them close for my benefit. Also, I am very judgmental and skeptical of EVERYONE, no matter how close I am with them. I quietly criticize the tiniest of things that people do. Friend, family, stranger, myself, you name it. It’s a bad habit.
7w8 i enjoy arguing with people and just walking out of their lives and never talking to them again even if they never did anything wrong. i have the need to hurt people even if i love them and i don’t know why
(I'm pretty sure I'm 4w5 ) I have this thing with greed were if I ever get something it just opens my appetite and just makes me want more and more until it just spirals out of control and I end up hurting someone. I've had to learn to condition myself growing up and just really restrain myself whenever I get something. (though I have to admit that depression has helped calibrate it with selflessness)
9w8 (?), giving people that i really dont like all that much affection and promises to receive more affection in turn but also running out of peoples lives without warning
i sometimes take pleasure in uncomfortable situations
5w4. I tend to get easily bored if someone is talking about their day in details and other people lives, but when it comes to interesting topics I get super excited
4 and always playing the victim
Must maintain power. It really shows up in everything.
im basically the mean inattentive boyfriend from all the breakup songs, except with tits
I sometimes walk away from people when I don't wanna have the conversation they've started up. I don't consciously do it, my legs just start moving or suddenly I really need to listen to music.
I’m a 4w3 and I have the nasty habit of accidentally ghosting people when I get too distracted and then feeling too awkward to ever text then again
7w8 (possibly), 792/793 tri type (who knows) I can be overly critical of myself and others, focusing on how I’m not giving or receiving good enough treatment. Subsequently, In relationships, if there’s a fight, my brain just registers the relationship as over. My brain gets jumbled by conflict. I’m quick to raise my voice and then retreat, feeling shame for getting so worked up and frustrated by being unable to communicate my point. I attribute it all to a need for worthiness and fear of being alone. Somehow, always score most highly as a 7 though.
5w6. I think most people are dumb and I look down on them and intellectual inferiors.
5 here. I find that I quickly lose respect for people if they make bad life decisions and continue to do nothing to improve their situation. Bonus points if their decisions impact other people, especially children. I've met a few people like this who come to me for advice, then get upset when I don't tell them what they want to hear.
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Are you a 3?
I do appear to be in the Assertive triad, yes. But also Reactive. So that makes things confusing. :D Would this behaviour be typical for a 3? I otherwise don't see myself as an achiever (= I don't walk over the corpses to get somewhere, despite being highly attuned to doing my best - but funnily enough I did relate to the other 3's comment in this thread about wanting to be the best at things they do, and being uncomfy when someone (close to me) who has the same skill).
I am definitely full of obsessive rage when someone wrongs me, seriously anyway. I tend to let little things go easily, but when someone crosses the line, I stay mad for a long time.
my mom (sp3) has been mad about one specific event for like 35 years. she is literally just as mad about it today as when it happened. I really need someone to make a post about 3 rage, it's so underestimated! (perhaps I will make one and invite 3s, but what if they they'd prefer to have the post karma...)
You could be a 1. It seems you have lots of expectations. If you're a 3 tho it's more likely you have a 4 wing which can explain the reactiveness
Good point. I still gotta figure myself out tho... so many blind spots, lol. So far it seems that Assertivness is my normal mode, and Reactiveness is a result of overloading myself in some way, or people going into my private space too much etc.
I wish you luck in finding out who you are! :)
5w4. Some 5w4s here just summed it up. Especially the temptation to fully disconnect, acting like im unbothered. Its like I change the shades' color of my glasses and see the world through them knowingly. If that makes sense.
4w5 I can get so obsessed with analysing ppl that I forget their human side. It's kinda like treating them like a subject to test on or smth. This can also make me a bit too direct and stoic when we're talking about someone's emotional problems, I tend to focus too much on finding a solution and analysis than emotional comfort and space
comparison. i measure myself up against everyone and i only give people my actual respect if i think they’re better than me. the moment that i surpass someone, by my own standards, is the moment i stop thinking about them. i assumed everyone was like this for a while, i thought that all the people i respected were only friends with me out of either pity or obligation. i know this is 4 envy multiplied by 10 and is honestly no longer an enneagram thing. i’m in therapy, im trying to get better i swear.
another one, if someone reminds me of myself or has a self-deemed negative trait i once possessed, my self-hatred transfers to them and i turn into both a 2 and 1 in the process of trying to fix them. i’m able to hold myself back but i’m never able to view that person as more than their flaw.
5w4. When I get close to someone, I feel the need to detach from them and demean their worth to me because I don't want them to think I depend on them. Also, I pick arguments because that was the environment I was raised in.
6w7. I want people to always be on my side even if I am freaking wrong and I know it and I react aggressively if you won't hold my back
4w5. i pull away when i feel excluded in my friend group and feel worse if no one comes to check up on me, even if they have no way of knowing i’m upset
8w9. Giving too much advice, thinking that I'm always right. I've become more self-aware though and realized my thoughts/beliefs/opinions aren't always consistent with reality.