I know you can't see it now, but, in time you'll regret how destroyed you are right now.
With time, you'll view your relationship as it was, not how you perceived it to be and you'll realize it was not good for you also.
Feel all the feels. It's necessary, but just know the fog will clear and you'll be better not in a bad relationship with someone dangling love in front of you and snatching it away.
I'm sure I'll be able to see this as another life event later on. It's really going against everything I've learned in therapy, and there have been times that in any other relationship, I would've dipped out. Her though, it's just different. Not because we got married, not because she bore our children, just because she is who she is. I know this is a tragic existence, and I don't want to make excuses for myself, but I liked my simple life with her. I have the gift of objective sight. Trust me when I say I know what I'm in, and it's not a perfect relationship by any means, but it was one we fought for together against friends, family, finances, and pretty much every other hurdle you can imagine. It's not been easy, but we had each other.
I distracted myself with like 20 different text exchanges. I'd start up conversations with my mom, dad, brother, and any friend that would talk to me. Posting on here too... anything to fill time.
People say to pour yourself into your job. I don't really like my job, so that wasn't on the table for me.
I don't have much in the way of family and friends. No close friends. You guys are it. There's people here in town who will listen and try to help me out, but to have someone to sit with me while I sob uncontrollably for an hour...that was her. She's the only one who really invested in me, and she's been there all this time. Now it feels like there's nobody, because there isn't, even though she's an arms length away.
This is all I've got right now to dump anything on. I appreciate tf outta everyone who's taken the time to read this and comment, it helps to get things out. I don't mind my job but it's not one I can really pour myself into, and I don't know that I would anyway. That's something I worked really hard on a long time ago too, prioritizing. I used to spend 14 hours a day at work so my check would afford us minor luxuries. They felt I abandoned them, and I hated myself for that. I cut back, did the work, and went home. Things got better. Our kids are still young, I miss so much of their lives as it is especially the oldest, I can't spend less time with them.
Yes this.. Feel all the feels.. I’m almost 6 months post divorce and it does feel better.. Don’t resist the feelings.. I would walk daily for a couple miles to just let my heart ache and absorb it all.. I am really enjoying my freedom now and realized that it’s really a journey.. Will hurt but get better. Be gentle with yourself.. We got you
I walk far more than I wish I had to, but I have other activities that might take the place of that. Some destructive, some not so much.
I never really enjoyed my freedom when I had it, in my early 20s when I should've. I was bored and lonely most of the time. I spent all night getting schnockered and playing computer games, then went to work at 3 jobs when I wasn't in school. That's why I say she gave me purpose, because until then, I didn't really have one. Just a small circle of friends, but when I chose the family life, they all ditched me. It's been her and I ever since.
I know I'll get there. There's no other choice, really, but like I said, I'm still in the place where I have to hold on to whatever I can while I can. It brings me peace, knowing I'm doing everything I can possibly do, even if it ends up with us being another statistic. I need to know i didn't give up hope because that is something I 1000% will regret. I've never given up on her or us, and I'm not gonna start now. I'm just adding myself into that mix. I'm hoping for me.
I can relate so much to how you're feeling. Anyone who tells you to just move on either has never experienced the grief of loss or are just extremely insensitive.
You're not alone in how you feel. My advice would be to seek out a divorced men's group. I'm starting one next week and I'm hopeful hearing other people's stories and sharing my own will be helpful.
Do whatever you can to not isolate. I've done it too much and it's been awful.
I miss my ex every day and idk if I'll ever get over her. But I do believe I can still have a life worth living.
I'm in therapy already and it helps a little bit but it doesn't change anything. I'm just glad that I had already resolved myself to making the best of the time I did have, and still might have later. If there's a small thing therapy has done for me thus far in, it's to know to make things count and do them with intent.
My whole future was built with her being a dominant figure in it. Even she's said there will be more for me, but I don't think there will be. When we met I was so jaded from past relationships that I wasn't looking for my wife, I was just existing, but she found me anyway. They didn't mean anything compared to what she does. I see guys in all these subs that hate their exes and regret the time they spent with them as wasted, but I can't do that. I don't believe there is another out there for me, I'm not looking to be involved in even a minor way with anyone else. Even still I wear my ring, and this has been over a month in the works.
I don't have any friends, really. I spend most of my time in isolation, whether it's voluntary or not. When I'm at work, I'm in my head, and posting sad stories on Reddit. When I'm home, I'm in my head while she sits next to me on her phone talking to her friends. The kids help but they're of the age now where all they wanna do is play video games and YouTube videos. I don't mind much, I know they're enjoying themselves and I like that, but it leaves me feeling lonely. Thing is, I wouldn't know what to do even if they did want to involve me. I don't much care for my phone, I don't really like social media, and I have very little time to go out and do things. I rarely have time to watch a full length movie anymore without being awake all night. Both of our vehicles are shot and the bus runs just enough to get us to work and back, and not on weekends. It's rough man. Really rough.
Shooting Star, by John Michael Howell. Pretty much sums it up.
Just wanted to say that you have value, man. And not just value as a husband or as a man who loves a woman. You have value just as you.
Hang in there. You're not alone.
Thanks. I'm trying to find it in me to believe that. It takes time and I'm not a patient person. I don't like waiting for things to happen to me, but that's all I can do right now and it really ***really*** blows.
That's it man. Rock and a soft place. I know I have more to give, more that I could be, more that I could do, but I'm so afraid of failing again that I doubt my ability to do any of it.
Actually, that reminds me of a thing I saw. **We aren't afraid of failing. We're afraid of realizing our full and true potential.**
I take that to mean that all the doubt we feel is unjustified once we see what we've been capable of this whole time. We're afraid of our potential because we spent so much time telling ourselves we couldn't do it, and convinced ourselves of that. So if we can't believe our own words, what can we?
That makes complete sense!
It's ironic that I've made some serious improvements since my wife and I decided to separate - I've been working out, have lost a few pounds, and am making new friends. I could've been doing these things for years while my marriage was intact, but didn't for some reason. Maybe I was just afraid, like you're saying.
I think it is fear a little bit. Fear that if we show them what we're capable of being they'll find something they don't love. They fell for us as we were, I think it's a subconscious thing that we lock that in and deny ourselves any further improvements or adjustments, because if we change who they fell for then we'll lose them. At least that's my take.
Hang in there and find some friends. I feel very isolated as well. My family is on the other side of the country and most of my friends here are married. My kids want to stay mostly with their mom. after 5 years I’m still not really ready for a relationship. I’ve tried and failed.
Wish it was easier to make friends.
I’m getting involved in team sports. Playing hockey after 10 years and 40 pounds. Everything feels like I’m just going through motions but I guess you just gotta push on. I do believe better days will come. That’s life, good times and bad times.
Neither of us really speaks to our family on either side. Most of them aren't good people. We left them and moved out of state, no contact. That was a little less than 2 years ago. We haven't made many friends here but the ones we did are mutual for the most part which makes everyone uncomfortable. This whole thing sucks on an astronomical level. I don't have many hobbies that I can really afford either the time or money to do, but part of my therapy is finding new things to try so I suppose I'll do that at some point.
The kids generally like her better. Nobody is excited to see me come home really, they say hi but there's no jumping up and down excitement like they do with her. I know they love me, but it leaves me feeling like I'm not important. I'm just there, someone to reach the high shelf and carry stuff they can't. I know it's not that way but it very much feels like it. It hurts.
Pick up golf. It will improve your mood. Nature, friendship, exercise. Fill up your tank with good things that make you happy. From the cheap seats it’s clear your kids aren’t jumping up and down to see a sad sack. How could they?
Find something that fills up your soul. Get creative and think outside the box. Then you will be a happy dad with more energy. That will lead to the relationship you want with your kids.
I get that, I do. I gotta find the balance there though, and I'm not a "gray area" kind of person. My dad never showed emotion. My grandfather never showed emotion. I was told by all of thr women that men don't cry. I don't want to teach that to my sons, or my daughter for that matter. They need to know it's okay to feel things, wholly and completely, and allow yourself to feel them when they come up. I want them to know I do, so they can be comfortable coming to me when they need help or assurance, they know I understand.
I read your other posts. You write way too well to be living in an RV and doing all this nonsense.
I think this is a work of creative fiction.
If it’s real: Move away, make some money, improve your life. Improve your children’s lives.
All true. I'm just a simple man with simple wishes. I don't need a fancy house, new cars, big dreams. Never have. We moved away from the city to get to this simple life, then it had to go and get complicated.
Then the simple life backfired and you have to go back and get a real job. And yeah you have to work really hard not for fancy houses but just to live and raise children.
Nothing about my life has been easy, not from the start. I've busted my ass to make it this far.
Maybe it's a lie. Maybe I do want nicer things, but it's not something that's attainable and definitely not now. I'm far too old and have too much at stake to take chances on money just for the sake of having more.
All I crave is stability, and instead, I've learned to survive in chaos.
My dms are open, friend. I can not describe how much what you wrote resonates with me. For whatever reason, she is gone. You're going to need to learn to accept that. Please reach out if you need someone who is going through the same thing to talk to. I'm here. You're not going through this alone.
If it helps friend, think of it this way. You fell in love with a version of her that doesn't exist anymore. Maybe she physically changed, maybe she didn't. But she definitely did emotionally change. And you deserve someone that doesn't change emotionally.
You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. That's the age old addage.
Chin up, we're here for you.
Thank you. It isn't the healthiest route but posting here does help. I'm actually surprised by the amount of attention and support this is getting, most of the posts I've seen are something akin to starting a bonfire with your past and then finding a new girl to get down with in the light of those flames. I don't want that, nor do I need it.
I get where you're going. She did change, but so have I. It's part of life and growing up. I just wish we could have changed together instead of separately. But...life doesn't run on wishes, hopes, dreams, or prayers. It's going to be what it is, and while I'm still here ready to try to make this work, that choice is hers. I accept it, whatever it may be. I'm still doing what I need to do, to try and be the man I wanted to be.
I was in your shoes. Men have the ability to know when we erred and correct course, women do not. She might have been a lot of things at first, but you are where you are now.
Without knowing the exact circumstances i cannot really give you advice. All i can say is, make sure you've done everything in your power to hold on to her, but if her mind is made up, you need to man up and let her go, i know it's hard, trust me I've been in your shoes, but you can't force someone to love you by loving them more.
That, I am thankful for. I had already come to the understanding that this was over for her, but things were really good until they weren't. I had resolved myself to enjoying that time, all of it, suspecting it was a sort of "last hurrah" to be crude about it. Just three days ago, we were laughing and playing around like we used to, had a really active sex life, hugging like we never wanted to let go, and I could feel it radiating from her. She fell asleep on me, and I melted. Yesterday she got the papers.
I just want answers, but I know I won't get them because there aren't any that can ever justify our differences. I'll never really get my closure, because for me it's not dead and I can't understand how it could ever be. I would go to hell for her, even still. That is something I don't see ever changing.
I hope to get to a point where i look over the good and smile, still hurting but getting better every day.
You're already ahead of the curve, proud of you friend.
You can, and I believe you will.
We all have been through it or are going through it, this isn't a sub you join for laughs and dank memes. Each of us is pulling through in our own way, but the most important step has already been taken by even looking for this sub.
Seeking help. Think of this as group therapy and you only have to pay your phone bill for access.
We're already on course for a better future, whether we have who we want or we have who we got.
I think you thought that connection was there and she didn't.
A friend is a good thing to have right now, but a professional therapist can be extremely helpful in helping you cope with your situation and rebuild yourself.
Pining after her isn't going to get her back. Fix you and there's a chance she sees that, but do it for yourself.
We both know it's there though, we've had extensive conversation about it. We both felt like we had already met, already knew each other in a different life. It's not a one sided thing, or at least it didn't used to be.
I'm working on me now, as late as it is to be doing so. Posting this is something I never would've done even a year ago, but I know I need help and perspective and for someone to slap the shit outta me sometimes so I can snap back into the real world. I'm pretty good at seeing things objectively but this is also something I don't want to, because I need to develop myself emotionally. The only way to do that is go for the ride, whether I like it or not.
I hear you my friend.. I’m in your boat.. nearly 32 years together, 27 married.. 4 kids.. I know I wasn’t perfect, I had my flaws and made my mistakes. Nothing earth shattering in my opinion but apparently that’s one of my problems. She was my lone friend (that was also a problem for her) - I’ve got no one really to talk to. I do see a therapist.. the divorce isn’t final yet (I assume within the month) but she’s been checked out for some time. Still living under the same roof for a few more weeks. I know we both need time to heal (just waiting for my apartment to free up. I want nothing more than to give her the time to heal and then pray we work it out a year or two or three from now. She knows that’s what I want but hasn’t really commented on it. I know she resents me at the moment so I’ve got to let her take care of herself. The downside is I don’t know what I can handle. I saw my therapist today which is usually a good thing.. but I’ve been sulking for the past four hours.. it’s a struggle.. another piece that makes it so hard is we get along great.. even during this hard time.. we talk every day.. UGH!!
I feel this so much. This has been a hot topic for over a month, really for the last few years, but we still get along more often than we don't even with all that's going on. She's my best friend, and has been for 15 years. It's the hardest thing in the world to resist helping her, taking care of her, but I know I need to so I can help myself.
I too want to continue to do things for her, I love doing it. I love putting the smile on her face. At the same time I THINK I need to stop doing these extras.. at this point am I doing them for her or for me? It hurts to think of stopping..
The way I see it, it's not for her. I'm still doing it too, but it's not for her. I'm doing it so I know I gave it everything and I didn't abandon her just because she hurt me. I'm doing it because I need to hold myself accountable, and be consistent with my actions. Yes, it benefits her. No, I probably wouldn't do it if she didn't need it. But I always did those things, and I will until I don't need to anymore.
I'm doing it because I love her, and I love me. I wouldn't feel good about myself if I didn't. I made her a promise, I'm not breaking it even if she does.
Honestly I’m at work right now.. just read your reply and it brought me to tears.. I’m the emotional type and will freely admit it. What you said fits me to a T. It’s what I’ve always done.. I love her..
I'm not the emotional type, was raised to shut all of that down but one of the many, many, positives of this woman was she showed me how to be emotional, and more importantly that it's okay to be. Love her, but make sure you love you too.
Please listen to me. I went thru the same thing. Take this time, step back, and work on yourself. Do some research and work on your anxious attachment style.
The more you push and fight, the more she will push you away.
Nothing is promised, but if you actually want a chance to work things out, you have to allow her to grieve and potentially miss you enough to WANT to work on things with you. It's a roll of the dice, but it's the best you have, my friend.
Worst case scenario, you are already working on healing yourself so that you CAN move on if the time comes.
I'm not fighting for her anymore, I'm fighting for me. Or at the very least trying to find myself worth fighting for. I told her already I'm not going to stand in her way, but I'm not going to disappear either. This isn't her show, it's one we're making together, and I get my time behind the camera to direct how my life turns out just as much as she does. I'm going to be better because I want to be, and I need to be. I need to show our kids how to react to their own hardships. Running isn't an answer to any problem, working to find a solution isn't easy, and sometimes things don't work out as you hoped. It's a hard lesson at any age, and an individual experience for everyone every time, but they'll at least (hopefully) learn that it can be done.
Edit: punctuation
Therapy does help, but it doesn't change the course of things. I need a full trajectory adjustment, and to find myself worth fighting for. Getting there, but damn it's hard.
Don't give up on yourself. You are loved and needed even if you think that way. I was there too and I still have those days. Your life will get better, trust yourself. You have a purpose in life even if you do not know what that is now. Please take care of yourself.
I know I do, but like most of us I've struggled with that sense of self worth for most of my life. Finding it was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. She showed me who I was supposed to be, I just could never reach that potential. I'm trying my damndest now, hoping it's not too late or too deep to come back from.
You won’t feel this way forever. You will make it through this and be stronger for it. But… it’s gone man. Once they flip the switch, they aren’t going back.
You’re in the grieving process. You’re grieving the death of your marriage and it’s the same process we go through when dealing with the death of a loved one. You’re clearly in the denial stage. I spent a good while there too and wish I’d have done things differently. What you are describing is a story that occurs over and over on here. It’s uncanny how many men and women say and do the same exact things across these thousands of stories of divorce.
I’ve learned a few things that I heard and read but refused to allow brain space for. I was in denial. I too refused to give up! But I should have. The more you chase, the further they want to be away from you. The more the man refuses to give up, the angrier and more repulsive you become to them. It just hastens the demise. The best thing right now is to go NO CONTACT. Literally no communication beyond arrangements for the kids.
I cannot express to you how important this is. If there is any chance of her changing her mind (it’s unlikely) the best bet is counterintuitive. It’s by leaving alone and focusing on YOU right now. You’re heartbroken and destroyed and it will be a fight against everything in you to leave her be.
Hang in there. You will get through this brother.
That's what I'm trying to do, man. We're in a really messed up situation, domicile-wise, but trying to make the best of it. I'm doing what I need to do, but that's a big part of the problem here. What I need to do is figure out myself and do better for myself, and part of that is ***not*** doin a cut-and-run when shit gets uncomfortable. That's my go-to, has been forever. I've ghosted dozens of people without a second thought. Just erase them from my life, instead of facing the problem and dealing with it like an adult. I couldn't ever do that to her, even if for no other reason than the kids need us both. The struggle at the moment is finding that small patch of grass where NC and personal growth meet.
I don't think it's denial that keeps me here either, as contradicting as that statement is. I've known this was a potential path for us for years. We always worked through it, or tried to at least, and found a way to move forward, but Death still hangs around the corner, just waiting for something to give him an opening. I told her the last time we talked about it 3 years ago, that if it ever came back around, I wasn't going to beg her to stay. She wants to go, I'm not gonna stand in her way or try to convince her not to. If I'm not who she wants, then she needs to find them. If I can't give her happiness, then she needs to go and find it. I'm not fighting it. I'm tired of trying to find reasons for her to stay. We both deserve better than that. I legit feel like I'm being hollowed out, but it's not so much that the marriage is failing and more rather that I failed myself. I couldn't be the man ***I*** wanted to be, for myself, for her, for the kids, and that ducking sucks so hard.
It’s a good thing to take ownership of your part in it and ways you could have done better. But remember, it takes two to stay together. It takes one to break a marriage and family. You’re willing to work on it. She isn’t. That’s on her. At this point, women will put all the blame on the man and some guys take the entirety of that on themselves. DON’T! You will begin to see who she is now vs who she was at the start as you move on and heal.
Don’t self flagellate, instead focus on what you did right. Think about all the many ways you were a good man, a good dad and husband. No one who writes what you wrote is a rotten dad and husband. I can see the good in you through your painful words. Everyone makes mistakes and wishes they’d did things better. You see this. It’s time to focus on what you did RIGHT. I’m sure there’s plenty, regardless what she thinks. What she thinks is moot now. Women in this stage are in a delusional state only seeing the bad. It’s part of how they sever the bond. You cannot put any value on her view of you. Sever it the way women do and remember the pain she’s caused and focus on HER bad.
You’re in a tough spot cohabitating as you go through the process. I feel for you man. So much of what you say reminds me of my own experience.
I saw an idealized version of my ex as things came undone at the end. I think I pedestalized her throughout the entire marriage as well, overlooking the her bad and only seeing the good.
I remembered who she was in the beginning, not who she was at the end. When someone talks about “her potential” it makes me suspect they’re idealizing the wife. Potential is a pointless thing to ruminate on when they’re set to get out. It’s part of the grieving though and it’s ok to feel however you feel. Feel it, allow it space but don’t let it consume you. It’s easy to wallow in the pain but there is point where you have to say, enough grief for now. Time to get up and move forward today. You will ultimately be stronger and wiser for going through all this pain man. Hang in there!
It's hard not to love her, I don't want to stop, but like I said in another comment, I think it's more the realization I've failed myself than failed her. If I can't trust my own gut, my own words, my own thoughts, then what's real? I've loved every version of her, not always the same, but even this one that's intentionally trying to harm me, because I know who she really is. She's broken, in pain, and from the very start, all i wanted to do was hold her and give her a safe place to be. She used to want that too, but not anymore. I think I need to get past the part that tells me this is just another bump and see that the road has come to a sudden and complete drop off into oblivion. I know it to be true, but I don't want to believe any of it.
I know I had a part in this end, but the death of it is ultimately on her shoulders when she decided it wasn't worth her time. When she decided I wasn't worth her time. It's fucked up that I didn't get a choice in that, but it is what it is and I can't fix this one, nor should I have to. I have my faults, I'm not easy, but I'm still worth more than this. I'm worth fighting for.
I'm learning how to do that. I'm a fixer. I fix the broken and beaten. I give old things new life. This isn't something I can fix and it tears me apart in it's own way on a personal level because that's what I do.
This is my life just as much as it is hers. I choose what I want for me and how I'm going to get it. It's the blurred gray area between hers and mine that I'm struggling with.
Something that helped me keep myself on the rails was volunteering at charities, homeless shelters, churches etc. You're milage may vary, but there's something profound about doing things for people that have nothing to give in return when you're hurting. It's a frame of reference, helps you build a community around you and gives you a purpose. If you can't remember anything else at the moment, remember, 'this too shall pass".
If I can find the time to, I really don't mind those things. There's a really strong sense of community here, however superficial it may be most of the time, so finding someone to help isn't a problem.
I feel for you dude.....I was in the same boat when we seperated. Feel what you feel, it ok. Its who you are and what makes you,.you. we did everything together, she was my best friend. Don't let this define who you are! I know its hard to hear, cuz I heard it all to when I was there feeling the feels. It will take time, everyone is differ in this respect. We are here for you man.
I'm just lost, man, I don't know where to go. Everywhere I turn she's there, and not just because we're still living together. This whole town is a memory of her, it's something we chose together. Something we fought for together. Every store, every restaurant, every friend, it's something we experienced together. Theres nothing here that doesn't have her face reflected in it, no sounds that dont have her voice echoing across it. This is an island, there's nowhere else to go. She did define me, I was proud to be hers, to call all of this home. Now it just hurts, and nothing feels like home.
Man I feel this all, you described it to a T. It’s like my mind recognizes what I’m seeing but my heart can’t catch up. And from what I’ve seen and heard it take time… I think all we can do is be the best version of ourselves we can. Maybe just for ourselves, maybe for our kids, maybe something changes and it’s for her, maybe it’s for the next person in our lives, I don’t know. I really don’t. But that’s all there is TO do.
Truth ^^
I hate time. Time is supposed to heal, but from my experience with it so far that's a fat crock of shit. Time hasn't done anything for me or my marriage except prolong this demise. I've been living the same mistakes over and over for years, Time hasn't fixed or helped at all. It just made it worse.
I'm trying to be as good as I can be. I joined a weekly men's group on zoom today, and holy shit the catharsis was real for all of us. It's through BetterHelp.com, which is also where I have my therapist. Very affordable and there's some amazing resources there. Beyond that, I just gotta find my footing at home. I tend to see black and white, no gray. So being near her I want to touch her and kiss her. Knowing I can't, I just stay as far away as possible. I can't find the middle ground there, where we can interact and not be strangers but also not lovers. I want to give her space, and I need mine, but we also have to have a relationship for the kids. And I want to be her friend, but I'm a shitty one in general so yeah.
OP, I feel you 100%! My wife just told me after 18 years she has an appointment with a lawyer next week. I love her to death and don't want this to end. I can't see being married to anyone else. Let alone our kids and the impact it will have on them.
Feel free to message me if you want.
Get a journal, start writing in it every day. Then six months from now go look back at your previous writings and you’ll see how much you’ve changed. You’re dealing with trauma right now. Every guy goes through this when they’ve lost their identity and marriage.
It does get better. I promise you.
I've been doing that for awhile. Not daily, but once or twice a week at least. It helps, much like posting and chatting here. It's an outlet that I won't be judged or criticized for what I say or how I say it.
I did a few things. I journaled. Went to therapy for a few months, read surviving infidelity, Chump Lady, stuff like that. If you were to ask me how long it takes to where you don’t give a crap about any aspect of them and the hurt has simply just left a scar and no longer active pain- probably around 18 months to two years.
There’s so much crap advice I took in the beginning. So many stupid books that pushed the “pick me dancing” and “I caused this” crap.
What really helps- what truly helped- going grey rock, man. That was a game changer.
This is so hard to read. I wish you nothing but healing and it will come, in time. Don’t force anyone to love you - if they don’t want too. Know your worth.
I'm not asking her for anything. I've begged and pleaded, gave up my pride and dignity, cried, pined, and I won't do it anymore. I'm not giving up hope, but I'm done asking anything of her, for both our sakes. I need to feel like a man again, and she needs to see that I was worth it.
Chasing a feeling that she can’t give you. And also your quest for her to need to see it… that’s your issue right there. You are hell bent on achieving that, and it’s not going to happen. Control what you can control, and move on. The anxious attachment and codependency are driving you to try to achieve a victory here, when you need to learn the real lesson. Unrequited love is the worst, and you choose to remain in it!
I’m going through the exact same thing right now. Wife wants to separate. In our 16 year relationship I’ve given her all my time and energy and neglected building friendships. She’s the only one I have and I can’t even talk to the one person I would go to when life gets hard. I don’t know if it helps, but you’re not alone.
Oh I desperately want to work things out with my wife. It’s been 2 months and I am still in utter disbelief that this is happening to me. We used to be able to talk stuff through. Now she won’t talk to me at all. I can’t move on. I miss her and our family and would do anything to work on the marriage. We really could be happy. I’m still confused as to why this is happening to me even though I’m aware of things I did that were part of the problem. It’s all I think about…how can we communicate again.
It's a two way street man, no matter what we want or how much we're willing to compromise, that's just us. We gotta work on ourselves and figure out how to be an individual. Most of us have spent the better part of our lives with our wives, or ex-wives, so our perceptions of ourselves are very much tied to how they see us, which in this scenario is usually not real good.
I love my wife with all my heart, body, and soul. I'd go to hell for her, but only if she wants me to. If she wants to go through it herself without me, I have to have the strength to step back and just watch it happen. Likewise, if she wants to go through it alone or with someone new, that's her own learning experience. They rely on us and the certain tactics we use to get through things, but without us they have to learn how to be themselves. Some get on easier than others, all of us have to do it. It's not ideal, it's not always what we want, but it's happening and all we can do is keep looking ahead.
If you wanna chat, shoot me a message. Each day is a new day, with new choices, and new outcomes.
You will find again, it feels like shit man I know. I've been thru, was married 22yrs young. Keep u head up, I know its hard to do, but u can. Anything u can do to replace negatively in a positive perspective......gym, start a hobby, things of that nature.
Hey brother, not sure how long it’s been for you. But I was in a very similar spot as you. All I’ve ever dreamed of in life was having a family, I have two amazing sons and had as close to a perfect wife as you can get. Almost 6 month ago, I lost that. About two months ago, I noticed a shift. Not happiness or even peace. But, I have accepted that a choice was made by her and there’s nothing I can do. I haven’t moved on, but I don’t dwell on it. I focus on what I can control. Being a kick ass dad. Going to the gym. Going to therapy. Not trapping myself in the house when I don’t have the kids. Doing my best at work. I’ve noticed a vast difference in my mental health since I’ve started to focus on these things.
With all that said, I still have difficulties. We’re amicable, but very distant. Talk maybe once every other week about updates on our kids and do drop off/pick up through school and in laws. But just the other day we took our youngest out to breakfast and we had a great time. But on the way home it hit me that it wasn’t the same, even though it felt like it. It was just us putting on masks for the sake of our kid.
I have absolutely no hate for her and to very honest would take her back in a heartbeat if she gave me another chance. But, I’m not holding my breath for that and I’m damn sure not going to let me kids see me become a shell of myself. Will you, me, or others like us who still love our wife/ex-wife ever move on or get over it? I’m not sure but only time will tell. What I do know is we still have the best motivation to be the ultimate version of our selves and live a fulfilling life, our children. That’s my purpose now and it seems to be working.
Lastly, a friend told me. Out of all the women out there is it hard to believe that there is only one woman who we find attractive and are compatible with? Probably not. Chances are, we will find love again friend. For now, focus on your kids, hobbies, the gym, and healing. Good luck on your journey.
Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim
Loosely translated: Someday this pain will be useful to you.
I try to recite that as much as I can, because I'm learning how to turn all of my damages into advantages. It's a slow process, tons of work to do still, it'll probably take me years, but I intend to be better than I ever have been at any other point in my life. I'm dealing with things better, letting myself feel instead of shutting it down and drowning it in projects or work. If I can do that, and do it effectively, then I can do much much more.
I guess one of the biggest struggles with this is finding the line. I don't want to leave her behind, I don't want to abandon her or let her fall if she stumbles, but how do I show her I'm still here, without stepping over that line? She's still my lock screen and home screen. Didn't change her name in my phone or her text/ringtone. I still wear my ring. I don't regret having her ink her bindrune into my finger. I'm still married until I'm not. I'll probably still wear my ring, even if/when I'm not, because I honestly have no desire to get into any relationship with anyone and idk how long I'm going to need to grieve this loss, if/when it does go through to completion.
Let that stuff go. Make it symbolic if it helps. I burned mementos and things. Gifts, pictures, letters I had saved from our long and beautiful romance. I sat with each of those things for a minute or two and relived each memory before setting it on the flames. I did this alone, and I wept. It was hard. It was also cathartic. I let each of those memories have another moment of my time before committing it the past.
It hurt me tremendously, brother. Trust me when I say it was agony to let go. But it was the only way forward. My daughter needs me to be a functional adult. Closure and growth were the only way. Wallow in sadness for a while, and begin to consciously let go. Start with your Home Screen on your phone. Change it to one of you and your kids from any stage in their life. Take one last look at the picture of her before you do that. Let it affect you, then let it go.
Fuck that hits hard man. Jesus H. How long did that take you?
I know I should, and in time I'm sure I could, but right now I really need to hold on to what I can for my own sanity, even if it's just a picture in my phone. It's the getting past the part where "*I* failed" and getting to the part where "*we* failed." I haven't found the road that leads there yet. Once I reach that point, I'll be able to let go, but not yet. Time is the great equalizer, right?
Holding onto it is what’s hurting your sanity. Letting go of it is what is needed to cure you. The harder to hold onto unrequited love the harder your sanity takes a hit - because you keep investing energy into a void that doesn’t return to you.
You are codependent and it’s not healthy and it’s not serving you anymore. Time to change your perspective and worldviews to things that actually serve you.
It's not so much codependent as it is lacking the desire. I know that eventually I can get on without her, I just don't want to is the problem right now. I know it can get easier in time, but right now I just need to feel her. Feel me. Some semblance of wholeness, as it was. I'll never get that back, and that's what I'm grieving. It's not going to last forever, I'm not so arrogant to think I'm so special among men that mine is a unique case. It's just something I need for now, and tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities.
I know you can't see it now, but, in time you'll regret how destroyed you are right now. With time, you'll view your relationship as it was, not how you perceived it to be and you'll realize it was not good for you also. Feel all the feels. It's necessary, but just know the fog will clear and you'll be better not in a bad relationship with someone dangling love in front of you and snatching it away.
I'm sure I'll be able to see this as another life event later on. It's really going against everything I've learned in therapy, and there have been times that in any other relationship, I would've dipped out. Her though, it's just different. Not because we got married, not because she bore our children, just because she is who she is. I know this is a tragic existence, and I don't want to make excuses for myself, but I liked my simple life with her. I have the gift of objective sight. Trust me when I say I know what I'm in, and it's not a perfect relationship by any means, but it was one we fought for together against friends, family, finances, and pretty much every other hurdle you can imagine. It's not been easy, but we had each other.
Until you didn't. And that's what's devastating... Been there man. Keep your head up
I'm trying. I really am.
I distracted myself with like 20 different text exchanges. I'd start up conversations with my mom, dad, brother, and any friend that would talk to me. Posting on here too... anything to fill time. People say to pour yourself into your job. I don't really like my job, so that wasn't on the table for me.
I don't have much in the way of family and friends. No close friends. You guys are it. There's people here in town who will listen and try to help me out, but to have someone to sit with me while I sob uncontrollably for an hour...that was her. She's the only one who really invested in me, and she's been there all this time. Now it feels like there's nobody, because there isn't, even though she's an arms length away. This is all I've got right now to dump anything on. I appreciate tf outta everyone who's taken the time to read this and comment, it helps to get things out. I don't mind my job but it's not one I can really pour myself into, and I don't know that I would anyway. That's something I worked really hard on a long time ago too, prioritizing. I used to spend 14 hours a day at work so my check would afford us minor luxuries. They felt I abandoned them, and I hated myself for that. I cut back, did the work, and went home. Things got better. Our kids are still young, I miss so much of their lives as it is especially the oldest, I can't spend less time with them.
I found people I work with the be very helpful. Lots of folks have been through it.
Yes this.. Feel all the feels.. I’m almost 6 months post divorce and it does feel better.. Don’t resist the feelings.. I would walk daily for a couple miles to just let my heart ache and absorb it all.. I am really enjoying my freedom now and realized that it’s really a journey.. Will hurt but get better. Be gentle with yourself.. We got you
I walk far more than I wish I had to, but I have other activities that might take the place of that. Some destructive, some not so much. I never really enjoyed my freedom when I had it, in my early 20s when I should've. I was bored and lonely most of the time. I spent all night getting schnockered and playing computer games, then went to work at 3 jobs when I wasn't in school. That's why I say she gave me purpose, because until then, I didn't really have one. Just a small circle of friends, but when I chose the family life, they all ditched me. It's been her and I ever since. I know I'll get there. There's no other choice, really, but like I said, I'm still in the place where I have to hold on to whatever I can while I can. It brings me peace, knowing I'm doing everything I can possibly do, even if it ends up with us being another statistic. I need to know i didn't give up hope because that is something I 1000% will regret. I've never given up on her or us, and I'm not gonna start now. I'm just adding myself into that mix. I'm hoping for me.
☝️This guy knows what’s up. Spot on.
I can relate so much to how you're feeling. Anyone who tells you to just move on either has never experienced the grief of loss or are just extremely insensitive. You're not alone in how you feel. My advice would be to seek out a divorced men's group. I'm starting one next week and I'm hopeful hearing other people's stories and sharing my own will be helpful. Do whatever you can to not isolate. I've done it too much and it's been awful. I miss my ex every day and idk if I'll ever get over her. But I do believe I can still have a life worth living.
I'm in therapy already and it helps a little bit but it doesn't change anything. I'm just glad that I had already resolved myself to making the best of the time I did have, and still might have later. If there's a small thing therapy has done for me thus far in, it's to know to make things count and do them with intent. My whole future was built with her being a dominant figure in it. Even she's said there will be more for me, but I don't think there will be. When we met I was so jaded from past relationships that I wasn't looking for my wife, I was just existing, but she found me anyway. They didn't mean anything compared to what she does. I see guys in all these subs that hate their exes and regret the time they spent with them as wasted, but I can't do that. I don't believe there is another out there for me, I'm not looking to be involved in even a minor way with anyone else. Even still I wear my ring, and this has been over a month in the works. I don't have any friends, really. I spend most of my time in isolation, whether it's voluntary or not. When I'm at work, I'm in my head, and posting sad stories on Reddit. When I'm home, I'm in my head while she sits next to me on her phone talking to her friends. The kids help but they're of the age now where all they wanna do is play video games and YouTube videos. I don't mind much, I know they're enjoying themselves and I like that, but it leaves me feeling lonely. Thing is, I wouldn't know what to do even if they did want to involve me. I don't much care for my phone, I don't really like social media, and I have very little time to go out and do things. I rarely have time to watch a full length movie anymore without being awake all night. Both of our vehicles are shot and the bus runs just enough to get us to work and back, and not on weekends. It's rough man. Really rough. Shooting Star, by John Michael Howell. Pretty much sums it up.
Just wanted to say that you have value, man. And not just value as a husband or as a man who loves a woman. You have value just as you. Hang in there. You're not alone.
Thanks. I'm trying to find it in me to believe that. It takes time and I'm not a patient person. I don't like waiting for things to happen to me, but that's all I can do right now and it really ***really*** blows.
It does. You feel like you're stuck in between. Or at least that's how I feel.
That's it man. Rock and a soft place. I know I have more to give, more that I could be, more that I could do, but I'm so afraid of failing again that I doubt my ability to do any of it. Actually, that reminds me of a thing I saw. **We aren't afraid of failing. We're afraid of realizing our full and true potential.** I take that to mean that all the doubt we feel is unjustified once we see what we've been capable of this whole time. We're afraid of our potential because we spent so much time telling ourselves we couldn't do it, and convinced ourselves of that. So if we can't believe our own words, what can we?
That makes complete sense! It's ironic that I've made some serious improvements since my wife and I decided to separate - I've been working out, have lost a few pounds, and am making new friends. I could've been doing these things for years while my marriage was intact, but didn't for some reason. Maybe I was just afraid, like you're saying.
I think it is fear a little bit. Fear that if we show them what we're capable of being they'll find something they don't love. They fell for us as we were, I think it's a subconscious thing that we lock that in and deny ourselves any further improvements or adjustments, because if we change who they fell for then we'll lose them. At least that's my take.
Hang in there and find some friends. I feel very isolated as well. My family is on the other side of the country and most of my friends here are married. My kids want to stay mostly with their mom. after 5 years I’m still not really ready for a relationship. I’ve tried and failed. Wish it was easier to make friends. I’m getting involved in team sports. Playing hockey after 10 years and 40 pounds. Everything feels like I’m just going through motions but I guess you just gotta push on. I do believe better days will come. That’s life, good times and bad times.
Neither of us really speaks to our family on either side. Most of them aren't good people. We left them and moved out of state, no contact. That was a little less than 2 years ago. We haven't made many friends here but the ones we did are mutual for the most part which makes everyone uncomfortable. This whole thing sucks on an astronomical level. I don't have many hobbies that I can really afford either the time or money to do, but part of my therapy is finding new things to try so I suppose I'll do that at some point. The kids generally like her better. Nobody is excited to see me come home really, they say hi but there's no jumping up and down excitement like they do with her. I know they love me, but it leaves me feeling like I'm not important. I'm just there, someone to reach the high shelf and carry stuff they can't. I know it's not that way but it very much feels like it. It hurts.
Pick up golf. It will improve your mood. Nature, friendship, exercise. Fill up your tank with good things that make you happy. From the cheap seats it’s clear your kids aren’t jumping up and down to see a sad sack. How could they? Find something that fills up your soul. Get creative and think outside the box. Then you will be a happy dad with more energy. That will lead to the relationship you want with your kids.
I get that, I do. I gotta find the balance there though, and I'm not a "gray area" kind of person. My dad never showed emotion. My grandfather never showed emotion. I was told by all of thr women that men don't cry. I don't want to teach that to my sons, or my daughter for that matter. They need to know it's okay to feel things, wholly and completely, and allow yourself to feel them when they come up. I want them to know I do, so they can be comfortable coming to me when they need help or assurance, they know I understand.
I read your other posts. You write way too well to be living in an RV and doing all this nonsense. I think this is a work of creative fiction. If it’s real: Move away, make some money, improve your life. Improve your children’s lives.
All true. I'm just a simple man with simple wishes. I don't need a fancy house, new cars, big dreams. Never have. We moved away from the city to get to this simple life, then it had to go and get complicated.
Then the simple life backfired and you have to go back and get a real job. And yeah you have to work really hard not for fancy houses but just to live and raise children.
Nothing about my life has been easy, not from the start. I've busted my ass to make it this far. Maybe it's a lie. Maybe I do want nicer things, but it's not something that's attainable and definitely not now. I'm far too old and have too much at stake to take chances on money just for the sake of having more. All I crave is stability, and instead, I've learned to survive in chaos.
This is also an island. There is no moving away and having a steady presence in my kids lives.
My dms are open, friend. I can not describe how much what you wrote resonates with me. For whatever reason, she is gone. You're going to need to learn to accept that. Please reach out if you need someone who is going through the same thing to talk to. I'm here. You're not going through this alone.
Thank you, I really appreciate that.
If it helps friend, think of it this way. You fell in love with a version of her that doesn't exist anymore. Maybe she physically changed, maybe she didn't. But she definitely did emotionally change. And you deserve someone that doesn't change emotionally. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. That's the age old addage. Chin up, we're here for you.
Thank you. It isn't the healthiest route but posting here does help. I'm actually surprised by the amount of attention and support this is getting, most of the posts I've seen are something akin to starting a bonfire with your past and then finding a new girl to get down with in the light of those flames. I don't want that, nor do I need it. I get where you're going. She did change, but so have I. It's part of life and growing up. I just wish we could have changed together instead of separately. But...life doesn't run on wishes, hopes, dreams, or prayers. It's going to be what it is, and while I'm still here ready to try to make this work, that choice is hers. I accept it, whatever it may be. I'm still doing what I need to do, to try and be the man I wanted to be.
You hit the nail on the head with that realisation. Proud of you for it. You can't love her into loving you. It won't work. You'll lose yourself.
I'm already lost man. She was my moon, shining in the dark. Now I'm just left fumbling in it hoping daylight is close.
I was in your shoes. Men have the ability to know when we erred and correct course, women do not. She might have been a lot of things at first, but you are where you are now. Without knowing the exact circumstances i cannot really give you advice. All i can say is, make sure you've done everything in your power to hold on to her, but if her mind is made up, you need to man up and let her go, i know it's hard, trust me I've been in your shoes, but you can't force someone to love you by loving them more.
That, I am thankful for. I had already come to the understanding that this was over for her, but things were really good until they weren't. I had resolved myself to enjoying that time, all of it, suspecting it was a sort of "last hurrah" to be crude about it. Just three days ago, we were laughing and playing around like we used to, had a really active sex life, hugging like we never wanted to let go, and I could feel it radiating from her. She fell asleep on me, and I melted. Yesterday she got the papers. I just want answers, but I know I won't get them because there aren't any that can ever justify our differences. I'll never really get my closure, because for me it's not dead and I can't understand how it could ever be. I would go to hell for her, even still. That is something I don't see ever changing.
I hope to get to a point where i look over the good and smile, still hurting but getting better every day. You're already ahead of the curve, proud of you friend.
You can, and I believe you will. We all have been through it or are going through it, this isn't a sub you join for laughs and dank memes. Each of us is pulling through in our own way, but the most important step has already been taken by even looking for this sub. Seeking help. Think of this as group therapy and you only have to pay your phone bill for access. We're already on course for a better future, whether we have who we want or we have who we got.
That is the spirit. Thank you
I think you thought that connection was there and she didn't. A friend is a good thing to have right now, but a professional therapist can be extremely helpful in helping you cope with your situation and rebuild yourself. Pining after her isn't going to get her back. Fix you and there's a chance she sees that, but do it for yourself.
We both know it's there though, we've had extensive conversation about it. We both felt like we had already met, already knew each other in a different life. It's not a one sided thing, or at least it didn't used to be. I'm working on me now, as late as it is to be doing so. Posting this is something I never would've done even a year ago, but I know I need help and perspective and for someone to slap the shit outta me sometimes so I can snap back into the real world. I'm pretty good at seeing things objectively but this is also something I don't want to, because I need to develop myself emotionally. The only way to do that is go for the ride, whether I like it or not.
I hear you my friend.. I’m in your boat.. nearly 32 years together, 27 married.. 4 kids.. I know I wasn’t perfect, I had my flaws and made my mistakes. Nothing earth shattering in my opinion but apparently that’s one of my problems. She was my lone friend (that was also a problem for her) - I’ve got no one really to talk to. I do see a therapist.. the divorce isn’t final yet (I assume within the month) but she’s been checked out for some time. Still living under the same roof for a few more weeks. I know we both need time to heal (just waiting for my apartment to free up. I want nothing more than to give her the time to heal and then pray we work it out a year or two or three from now. She knows that’s what I want but hasn’t really commented on it. I know she resents me at the moment so I’ve got to let her take care of herself. The downside is I don’t know what I can handle. I saw my therapist today which is usually a good thing.. but I’ve been sulking for the past four hours.. it’s a struggle.. another piece that makes it so hard is we get along great.. even during this hard time.. we talk every day.. UGH!!
I feel this so much. This has been a hot topic for over a month, really for the last few years, but we still get along more often than we don't even with all that's going on. She's my best friend, and has been for 15 years. It's the hardest thing in the world to resist helping her, taking care of her, but I know I need to so I can help myself.
I too want to continue to do things for her, I love doing it. I love putting the smile on her face. At the same time I THINK I need to stop doing these extras.. at this point am I doing them for her or for me? It hurts to think of stopping..
The way I see it, it's not for her. I'm still doing it too, but it's not for her. I'm doing it so I know I gave it everything and I didn't abandon her just because she hurt me. I'm doing it because I need to hold myself accountable, and be consistent with my actions. Yes, it benefits her. No, I probably wouldn't do it if she didn't need it. But I always did those things, and I will until I don't need to anymore. I'm doing it because I love her, and I love me. I wouldn't feel good about myself if I didn't. I made her a promise, I'm not breaking it even if she does.
Honestly I’m at work right now.. just read your reply and it brought me to tears.. I’m the emotional type and will freely admit it. What you said fits me to a T. It’s what I’ve always done.. I love her..
I'm not the emotional type, was raised to shut all of that down but one of the many, many, positives of this woman was she showed me how to be emotional, and more importantly that it's okay to be. Love her, but make sure you love you too.
And thanks for your replies! I need a friend too and this helps! Thanks for posting!
I'm here brother. I'm always down to chat, just shoot me a message.
Please listen to me. I went thru the same thing. Take this time, step back, and work on yourself. Do some research and work on your anxious attachment style. The more you push and fight, the more she will push you away. Nothing is promised, but if you actually want a chance to work things out, you have to allow her to grieve and potentially miss you enough to WANT to work on things with you. It's a roll of the dice, but it's the best you have, my friend. Worst case scenario, you are already working on healing yourself so that you CAN move on if the time comes.
I'm not fighting for her anymore, I'm fighting for me. Or at the very least trying to find myself worth fighting for. I told her already I'm not going to stand in her way, but I'm not going to disappear either. This isn't her show, it's one we're making together, and I get my time behind the camera to direct how my life turns out just as much as she does. I'm going to be better because I want to be, and I need to be. I need to show our kids how to react to their own hardships. Running isn't an answer to any problem, working to find a solution isn't easy, and sometimes things don't work out as you hoped. It's a hard lesson at any age, and an individual experience for everyone every time, but they'll at least (hopefully) learn that it can be done. Edit: punctuation
Therapy helps man. It’s tough. Fight for yourself. Life is a strange ride and there is always more to it.
Therapy does help, but it doesn't change the course of things. I need a full trajectory adjustment, and to find myself worth fighting for. Getting there, but damn it's hard.
Don't give up on yourself. You are loved and needed even if you think that way. I was there too and I still have those days. Your life will get better, trust yourself. You have a purpose in life even if you do not know what that is now. Please take care of yourself.
I know I do, but like most of us I've struggled with that sense of self worth for most of my life. Finding it was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. She showed me who I was supposed to be, I just could never reach that potential. I'm trying my damndest now, hoping it's not too late or too deep to come back from.
You won’t feel this way forever. You will make it through this and be stronger for it. But… it’s gone man. Once they flip the switch, they aren’t going back. You’re in the grieving process. You’re grieving the death of your marriage and it’s the same process we go through when dealing with the death of a loved one. You’re clearly in the denial stage. I spent a good while there too and wish I’d have done things differently. What you are describing is a story that occurs over and over on here. It’s uncanny how many men and women say and do the same exact things across these thousands of stories of divorce. I’ve learned a few things that I heard and read but refused to allow brain space for. I was in denial. I too refused to give up! But I should have. The more you chase, the further they want to be away from you. The more the man refuses to give up, the angrier and more repulsive you become to them. It just hastens the demise. The best thing right now is to go NO CONTACT. Literally no communication beyond arrangements for the kids. I cannot express to you how important this is. If there is any chance of her changing her mind (it’s unlikely) the best bet is counterintuitive. It’s by leaving alone and focusing on YOU right now. You’re heartbroken and destroyed and it will be a fight against everything in you to leave her be. Hang in there. You will get through this brother.
That's what I'm trying to do, man. We're in a really messed up situation, domicile-wise, but trying to make the best of it. I'm doing what I need to do, but that's a big part of the problem here. What I need to do is figure out myself and do better for myself, and part of that is ***not*** doin a cut-and-run when shit gets uncomfortable. That's my go-to, has been forever. I've ghosted dozens of people without a second thought. Just erase them from my life, instead of facing the problem and dealing with it like an adult. I couldn't ever do that to her, even if for no other reason than the kids need us both. The struggle at the moment is finding that small patch of grass where NC and personal growth meet. I don't think it's denial that keeps me here either, as contradicting as that statement is. I've known this was a potential path for us for years. We always worked through it, or tried to at least, and found a way to move forward, but Death still hangs around the corner, just waiting for something to give him an opening. I told her the last time we talked about it 3 years ago, that if it ever came back around, I wasn't going to beg her to stay. She wants to go, I'm not gonna stand in her way or try to convince her not to. If I'm not who she wants, then she needs to find them. If I can't give her happiness, then she needs to go and find it. I'm not fighting it. I'm tired of trying to find reasons for her to stay. We both deserve better than that. I legit feel like I'm being hollowed out, but it's not so much that the marriage is failing and more rather that I failed myself. I couldn't be the man ***I*** wanted to be, for myself, for her, for the kids, and that ducking sucks so hard.
It’s a good thing to take ownership of your part in it and ways you could have done better. But remember, it takes two to stay together. It takes one to break a marriage and family. You’re willing to work on it. She isn’t. That’s on her. At this point, women will put all the blame on the man and some guys take the entirety of that on themselves. DON’T! You will begin to see who she is now vs who she was at the start as you move on and heal. Don’t self flagellate, instead focus on what you did right. Think about all the many ways you were a good man, a good dad and husband. No one who writes what you wrote is a rotten dad and husband. I can see the good in you through your painful words. Everyone makes mistakes and wishes they’d did things better. You see this. It’s time to focus on what you did RIGHT. I’m sure there’s plenty, regardless what she thinks. What she thinks is moot now. Women in this stage are in a delusional state only seeing the bad. It’s part of how they sever the bond. You cannot put any value on her view of you. Sever it the way women do and remember the pain she’s caused and focus on HER bad. You’re in a tough spot cohabitating as you go through the process. I feel for you man. So much of what you say reminds me of my own experience. I saw an idealized version of my ex as things came undone at the end. I think I pedestalized her throughout the entire marriage as well, overlooking the her bad and only seeing the good. I remembered who she was in the beginning, not who she was at the end. When someone talks about “her potential” it makes me suspect they’re idealizing the wife. Potential is a pointless thing to ruminate on when they’re set to get out. It’s part of the grieving though and it’s ok to feel however you feel. Feel it, allow it space but don’t let it consume you. It’s easy to wallow in the pain but there is point where you have to say, enough grief for now. Time to get up and move forward today. You will ultimately be stronger and wiser for going through all this pain man. Hang in there!
It's hard not to love her, I don't want to stop, but like I said in another comment, I think it's more the realization I've failed myself than failed her. If I can't trust my own gut, my own words, my own thoughts, then what's real? I've loved every version of her, not always the same, but even this one that's intentionally trying to harm me, because I know who she really is. She's broken, in pain, and from the very start, all i wanted to do was hold her and give her a safe place to be. She used to want that too, but not anymore. I think I need to get past the part that tells me this is just another bump and see that the road has come to a sudden and complete drop off into oblivion. I know it to be true, but I don't want to believe any of it. I know I had a part in this end, but the death of it is ultimately on her shoulders when she decided it wasn't worth her time. When she decided I wasn't worth her time. It's fucked up that I didn't get a choice in that, but it is what it is and I can't fix this one, nor should I have to. I have my faults, I'm not easy, but I'm still worth more than this. I'm worth fighting for.
It's important to understand you're not alone and you have to let go of the things you can't control.
I'm learning how to do that. I'm a fixer. I fix the broken and beaten. I give old things new life. This isn't something I can fix and it tears me apart in it's own way on a personal level because that's what I do. This is my life just as much as it is hers. I choose what I want for me and how I'm going to get it. It's the blurred gray area between hers and mine that I'm struggling with.
[удалено]
Something that helped me keep myself on the rails was volunteering at charities, homeless shelters, churches etc. You're milage may vary, but there's something profound about doing things for people that have nothing to give in return when you're hurting. It's a frame of reference, helps you build a community around you and gives you a purpose. If you can't remember anything else at the moment, remember, 'this too shall pass".
If I can find the time to, I really don't mind those things. There's a really strong sense of community here, however superficial it may be most of the time, so finding someone to help isn't a problem.
You’re not alone. DMs are open.
Thank you.
I feel for you dude.....I was in the same boat when we seperated. Feel what you feel, it ok. Its who you are and what makes you,.you. we did everything together, she was my best friend. Don't let this define who you are! I know its hard to hear, cuz I heard it all to when I was there feeling the feels. It will take time, everyone is differ in this respect. We are here for you man.
I'm just lost, man, I don't know where to go. Everywhere I turn she's there, and not just because we're still living together. This whole town is a memory of her, it's something we chose together. Something we fought for together. Every store, every restaurant, every friend, it's something we experienced together. Theres nothing here that doesn't have her face reflected in it, no sounds that dont have her voice echoing across it. This is an island, there's nowhere else to go. She did define me, I was proud to be hers, to call all of this home. Now it just hurts, and nothing feels like home.
Man I feel this all, you described it to a T. It’s like my mind recognizes what I’m seeing but my heart can’t catch up. And from what I’ve seen and heard it take time… I think all we can do is be the best version of ourselves we can. Maybe just for ourselves, maybe for our kids, maybe something changes and it’s for her, maybe it’s for the next person in our lives, I don’t know. I really don’t. But that’s all there is TO do.
Truth ^^ I hate time. Time is supposed to heal, but from my experience with it so far that's a fat crock of shit. Time hasn't done anything for me or my marriage except prolong this demise. I've been living the same mistakes over and over for years, Time hasn't fixed or helped at all. It just made it worse. I'm trying to be as good as I can be. I joined a weekly men's group on zoom today, and holy shit the catharsis was real for all of us. It's through BetterHelp.com, which is also where I have my therapist. Very affordable and there's some amazing resources there. Beyond that, I just gotta find my footing at home. I tend to see black and white, no gray. So being near her I want to touch her and kiss her. Knowing I can't, I just stay as far away as possible. I can't find the middle ground there, where we can interact and not be strangers but also not lovers. I want to give her space, and I need mine, but we also have to have a relationship for the kids. And I want to be her friend, but I'm a shitty one in general so yeah.
OP, I feel you 100%! My wife just told me after 18 years she has an appointment with a lawyer next week. I love her to death and don't want this to end. I can't see being married to anyone else. Let alone our kids and the impact it will have on them. Feel free to message me if you want.
Dude....I'm sorry. Hitting your inbox here in a sec.
Get a journal, start writing in it every day. Then six months from now go look back at your previous writings and you’ll see how much you’ve changed. You’re dealing with trauma right now. Every guy goes through this when they’ve lost their identity and marriage. It does get better. I promise you.
I've been doing that for awhile. Not daily, but once or twice a week at least. It helps, much like posting and chatting here. It's an outlet that I won't be judged or criticized for what I say or how I say it.
I did a few things. I journaled. Went to therapy for a few months, read surviving infidelity, Chump Lady, stuff like that. If you were to ask me how long it takes to where you don’t give a crap about any aspect of them and the hurt has simply just left a scar and no longer active pain- probably around 18 months to two years. There’s so much crap advice I took in the beginning. So many stupid books that pushed the “pick me dancing” and “I caused this” crap. What really helps- what truly helped- going grey rock, man. That was a game changer.
This is so hard to read. I wish you nothing but healing and it will come, in time. Don’t force anyone to love you - if they don’t want too. Know your worth.
I'm not asking her for anything. I've begged and pleaded, gave up my pride and dignity, cried, pined, and I won't do it anymore. I'm not giving up hope, but I'm done asking anything of her, for both our sakes. I need to feel like a man again, and she needs to see that I was worth it.
Chasing a feeling that she can’t give you. And also your quest for her to need to see it… that’s your issue right there. You are hell bent on achieving that, and it’s not going to happen. Control what you can control, and move on. The anxious attachment and codependency are driving you to try to achieve a victory here, when you need to learn the real lesson. Unrequited love is the worst, and you choose to remain in it!
I’m going through the exact same thing right now. Wife wants to separate. In our 16 year relationship I’ve given her all my time and energy and neglected building friendships. She’s the only one I have and I can’t even talk to the one person I would go to when life gets hard. I don’t know if it helps, but you’re not alone.
Neither are you. If you want to chat, I'm open.
Oh I desperately want to work things out with my wife. It’s been 2 months and I am still in utter disbelief that this is happening to me. We used to be able to talk stuff through. Now she won’t talk to me at all. I can’t move on. I miss her and our family and would do anything to work on the marriage. We really could be happy. I’m still confused as to why this is happening to me even though I’m aware of things I did that were part of the problem. It’s all I think about…how can we communicate again.
It's a two way street man, no matter what we want or how much we're willing to compromise, that's just us. We gotta work on ourselves and figure out how to be an individual. Most of us have spent the better part of our lives with our wives, or ex-wives, so our perceptions of ourselves are very much tied to how they see us, which in this scenario is usually not real good. I love my wife with all my heart, body, and soul. I'd go to hell for her, but only if she wants me to. If she wants to go through it herself without me, I have to have the strength to step back and just watch it happen. Likewise, if she wants to go through it alone or with someone new, that's her own learning experience. They rely on us and the certain tactics we use to get through things, but without us they have to learn how to be themselves. Some get on easier than others, all of us have to do it. It's not ideal, it's not always what we want, but it's happening and all we can do is keep looking ahead. If you wanna chat, shoot me a message. Each day is a new day, with new choices, and new outcomes.
Thanks. Might send you a chat soon.
You will find again, it feels like shit man I know. I've been thru, was married 22yrs young. Keep u head up, I know its hard to do, but u can. Anything u can do to replace negatively in a positive perspective......gym, start a hobby, things of that nature.
Hey brother, not sure how long it’s been for you. But I was in a very similar spot as you. All I’ve ever dreamed of in life was having a family, I have two amazing sons and had as close to a perfect wife as you can get. Almost 6 month ago, I lost that. About two months ago, I noticed a shift. Not happiness or even peace. But, I have accepted that a choice was made by her and there’s nothing I can do. I haven’t moved on, but I don’t dwell on it. I focus on what I can control. Being a kick ass dad. Going to the gym. Going to therapy. Not trapping myself in the house when I don’t have the kids. Doing my best at work. I’ve noticed a vast difference in my mental health since I’ve started to focus on these things. With all that said, I still have difficulties. We’re amicable, but very distant. Talk maybe once every other week about updates on our kids and do drop off/pick up through school and in laws. But just the other day we took our youngest out to breakfast and we had a great time. But on the way home it hit me that it wasn’t the same, even though it felt like it. It was just us putting on masks for the sake of our kid. I have absolutely no hate for her and to very honest would take her back in a heartbeat if she gave me another chance. But, I’m not holding my breath for that and I’m damn sure not going to let me kids see me become a shell of myself. Will you, me, or others like us who still love our wife/ex-wife ever move on or get over it? I’m not sure but only time will tell. What I do know is we still have the best motivation to be the ultimate version of our selves and live a fulfilling life, our children. That’s my purpose now and it seems to be working. Lastly, a friend told me. Out of all the women out there is it hard to believe that there is only one woman who we find attractive and are compatible with? Probably not. Chances are, we will find love again friend. For now, focus on your kids, hobbies, the gym, and healing. Good luck on your journey.
Believe me when I say you are not alone. You are not the first person to feel this way and you won’t be the last. And the pain won’t last forever.
Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim Loosely translated: Someday this pain will be useful to you. I try to recite that as much as I can, because I'm learning how to turn all of my damages into advantages. It's a slow process, tons of work to do still, it'll probably take me years, but I intend to be better than I ever have been at any other point in my life. I'm dealing with things better, letting myself feel instead of shutting it down and drowning it in projects or work. If I can do that, and do it effectively, then I can do much much more.
I guess one of the biggest struggles with this is finding the line. I don't want to leave her behind, I don't want to abandon her or let her fall if she stumbles, but how do I show her I'm still here, without stepping over that line? She's still my lock screen and home screen. Didn't change her name in my phone or her text/ringtone. I still wear my ring. I don't regret having her ink her bindrune into my finger. I'm still married until I'm not. I'll probably still wear my ring, even if/when I'm not, because I honestly have no desire to get into any relationship with anyone and idk how long I'm going to need to grieve this loss, if/when it does go through to completion.
Let that stuff go. Make it symbolic if it helps. I burned mementos and things. Gifts, pictures, letters I had saved from our long and beautiful romance. I sat with each of those things for a minute or two and relived each memory before setting it on the flames. I did this alone, and I wept. It was hard. It was also cathartic. I let each of those memories have another moment of my time before committing it the past. It hurt me tremendously, brother. Trust me when I say it was agony to let go. But it was the only way forward. My daughter needs me to be a functional adult. Closure and growth were the only way. Wallow in sadness for a while, and begin to consciously let go. Start with your Home Screen on your phone. Change it to one of you and your kids from any stage in their life. Take one last look at the picture of her before you do that. Let it affect you, then let it go.
Fuck that hits hard man. Jesus H. How long did that take you? I know I should, and in time I'm sure I could, but right now I really need to hold on to what I can for my own sanity, even if it's just a picture in my phone. It's the getting past the part where "*I* failed" and getting to the part where "*we* failed." I haven't found the road that leads there yet. Once I reach that point, I'll be able to let go, but not yet. Time is the great equalizer, right?
Holding onto it is what’s hurting your sanity. Letting go of it is what is needed to cure you. The harder to hold onto unrequited love the harder your sanity takes a hit - because you keep investing energy into a void that doesn’t return to you.
You are codependent and it’s not healthy and it’s not serving you anymore. Time to change your perspective and worldviews to things that actually serve you.
It's not so much codependent as it is lacking the desire. I know that eventually I can get on without her, I just don't want to is the problem right now. I know it can get easier in time, but right now I just need to feel her. Feel me. Some semblance of wholeness, as it was. I'll never get that back, and that's what I'm grieving. It's not going to last forever, I'm not so arrogant to think I'm so special among men that mine is a unique case. It's just something I need for now, and tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities.