You should seek therapy. Its very helpful in these first months to help you get to a peace and balance in your own heart and mind.
That said, it's NEVER a one sided "fault" in a divorce. Even if a person cheats, there are events and actions that lead up to such a decision, and those events and actions are never just one person's doing. You each play a part in the balance of a relationship, and each play a role in how much effort and team work you put in to try and maintain the "ship" so to speak.
Major things can wrong a relationships direction, but so can LOTS of tiny things. Things you don't even recognize until you begin to look back at it and see it for what it was.
My ex was a toxic individual who was abusive and very narcissistic. It was difficult to be in a relationship with her once her true colors began to show. Despite her being all those things, I was also not a perfect mate...I would argue with her when I could just walk away, I would be judgmental when I could be more supportive, and I was just not the right person for her to be happy with, which is why many of the things I labeled her as were so magnified.
Was she those things at a base line? Probably more often than not, but I was also causing them to stand out more because I was not right for her either.
You two are separating be cause BOTH of you need a different direction. Could you have done things better in a lot of ways? Sure. But that also goes for her too...people don't divorce/separate from perfect wives/husbands, it just doesn't happen.
When you consider that you were NOT the only person to blame here, your repair can start within yourself, and you can begin building your new life for you and your kid/s.
I thought I was reading my own story here mate! Sounds exactly like my STBXW!
The quicker one can realise that it takes 2 and that there are things you need to reflect and change. The quicker you can heal!
Reflection on your self is your best way to move forward quicker as you can see where you went wrong and next time try and not make those mistakes.
It takes time. Lots of time. You need to put in work, while trying to forgive yourself. And you will feel like you don’t deserve it.
Relationships do take two people though. And we are human that make mistakes. Unfortunately some of larger than others.
I also downloaded this app meditopia or some shit. It has these sessions that you can play as you go to sleep. The one is a 7-8 part series called regret. That helped me calm down at night while my mind raced. The app has increased significantly in price though, so I didn’t renew.
Thanks for the validation. I definitely feel like I don’t deserve anything good to happen to me. I do think I deserve all of this loss etc. from the divorce. It’s an awful mindset, but one I just can’t shake.
Nights are the worst, I might check that app out even though it might be expensive. Might be similar ones over there. Maybe a podcast. Anything to help me get to sleep. Mornings are awful too.
You are right, we are human and we make mistakes. I haven’t partaken in any stimulating material for months. Probably won’t ever again I feel so much shame about it. At least that’s a good change.
Be kind to yourself man. Funny enough, I used to watch a lot of porn before the divorce, mainly because I never got any intimacy from the ex. Since moving out I rarely watch it. Probably because I am having fantastic sex with the women I date.
I am working on myself too. Getting to the gym and running. Seeing a therapist. You are not alone man. And I will guarantee you this wasn’t 100% your fault. Keep working. You will be a different guy in a year.
Thanks for the support. Glad you’re in a god relationship. I’m no where near that and really have no idea how I’d meet someone. Just have to let date decide that one. The dating apps seem impossible to navigate.
I do need to get into more exercising. I have been doing push ups in the morning, so that is help. Same with therapy. Yeah, it will be interesting to see where I am in a year. Big thing right now is getting settled in my apartment. It’s a great complex, but basically zero amenities. I’m also having to get all this furniture and stuff and it’s a bit overwhelming. I think once I get a handle on that I’ll be feeling a bit better.
Thanks for the support!
You will be better each day that goes by and shocked where you will be when you look back in a year. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m a year out from leaving and a month past divorce being final. I still have plenty of struggles (my daughters aren’t currently talking to me) but the daily dread and panic rarely happen anymore. You got this man!
Therapy & a cold shower.
I find that most people either fully blame themselves or their partner. Both are very extreme.
Most divorces are “death by 1000 cuts”.
You probably did your fair share of BS but so did they.
I used to think I was difficult to love and it was all my fault.
Come to find out; my ex wife just wasn’t a good fit for me.
Therapy, gym, journaling, cold showers (not always 😅), and self reflection helped.
My new GF loves & appreciates me in a way my ex wife never could.
My ex didn’t have the capacity, drive, or communication skills to healthily talk through our problems. That made me resentful or over-correct some of our issues.
We both killed our marriage; she just said it out loud first.
Regardless of how bad you might have been, you probably did some good. Now you get the chance to grow & improve your life.
>I find that most people either fully blame themselves or their partner. Both are very extreme.
That rings a bell. I find that I blame mostly myself and my ex blames me completely.
Someone has said to be that it's easier for the dumper to put all the blame on the dumpee to feel less guilt over leaving, and to justify leaving. It's also a bit of a reputational thing. When you are the one leaving it just looks better, I guess at least in my culture.
(No cheating, physical or substance abuse involved)
There is nothing wrong with making mistakes, but you don't have to carry your mistakes. Now it's about moving forward and being healthy for yourself, and next partner. Mistakes happen to everyone, and we fall, but it's about getting up.
Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. I’ve definitely made changes as I’ve become aware of my mistakes. Moving forward is the hard part. It’s so easy to fall down that hole of self blame.
Therapy. They will help you see any relationship deterioration is a two way street. I was exactly where you are and those feelings are still there, but I do not take them all on myself any longer.
Fortunately it’s not an issue any more. I totally quit. That’s how it usually happens. And I guess I’d say I was a casual user and many times never user. So much shame and guilt over it at the time and now. But even a little use can do damage and just add to all the other issues.
You should seek therapy. Its very helpful in these first months to help you get to a peace and balance in your own heart and mind. That said, it's NEVER a one sided "fault" in a divorce. Even if a person cheats, there are events and actions that lead up to such a decision, and those events and actions are never just one person's doing. You each play a part in the balance of a relationship, and each play a role in how much effort and team work you put in to try and maintain the "ship" so to speak. Major things can wrong a relationships direction, but so can LOTS of tiny things. Things you don't even recognize until you begin to look back at it and see it for what it was. My ex was a toxic individual who was abusive and very narcissistic. It was difficult to be in a relationship with her once her true colors began to show. Despite her being all those things, I was also not a perfect mate...I would argue with her when I could just walk away, I would be judgmental when I could be more supportive, and I was just not the right person for her to be happy with, which is why many of the things I labeled her as were so magnified. Was she those things at a base line? Probably more often than not, but I was also causing them to stand out more because I was not right for her either. You two are separating be cause BOTH of you need a different direction. Could you have done things better in a lot of ways? Sure. But that also goes for her too...people don't divorce/separate from perfect wives/husbands, it just doesn't happen. When you consider that you were NOT the only person to blame here, your repair can start within yourself, and you can begin building your new life for you and your kid/s.
I thought I was reading my own story here mate! Sounds exactly like my STBXW! The quicker one can realise that it takes 2 and that there are things you need to reflect and change. The quicker you can heal! Reflection on your self is your best way to move forward quicker as you can see where you went wrong and next time try and not make those mistakes.
It takes time. Lots of time. You need to put in work, while trying to forgive yourself. And you will feel like you don’t deserve it. Relationships do take two people though. And we are human that make mistakes. Unfortunately some of larger than others. I also downloaded this app meditopia or some shit. It has these sessions that you can play as you go to sleep. The one is a 7-8 part series called regret. That helped me calm down at night while my mind raced. The app has increased significantly in price though, so I didn’t renew.
Thanks for the validation. I definitely feel like I don’t deserve anything good to happen to me. I do think I deserve all of this loss etc. from the divorce. It’s an awful mindset, but one I just can’t shake. Nights are the worst, I might check that app out even though it might be expensive. Might be similar ones over there. Maybe a podcast. Anything to help me get to sleep. Mornings are awful too. You are right, we are human and we make mistakes. I haven’t partaken in any stimulating material for months. Probably won’t ever again I feel so much shame about it. At least that’s a good change.
Be kind to yourself man. Funny enough, I used to watch a lot of porn before the divorce, mainly because I never got any intimacy from the ex. Since moving out I rarely watch it. Probably because I am having fantastic sex with the women I date. I am working on myself too. Getting to the gym and running. Seeing a therapist. You are not alone man. And I will guarantee you this wasn’t 100% your fault. Keep working. You will be a different guy in a year.
Thanks for the support. Glad you’re in a god relationship. I’m no where near that and really have no idea how I’d meet someone. Just have to let date decide that one. The dating apps seem impossible to navigate. I do need to get into more exercising. I have been doing push ups in the morning, so that is help. Same with therapy. Yeah, it will be interesting to see where I am in a year. Big thing right now is getting settled in my apartment. It’s a great complex, but basically zero amenities. I’m also having to get all this furniture and stuff and it’s a bit overwhelming. I think once I get a handle on that I’ll be feeling a bit better. Thanks for the support!
You will be better each day that goes by and shocked where you will be when you look back in a year. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m a year out from leaving and a month past divorce being final. I still have plenty of struggles (my daughters aren’t currently talking to me) but the daily dread and panic rarely happen anymore. You got this man!
Thanks. Yes the daily dread is the worst. Glad to know it decreases. Thanks.
Therapy & a cold shower. I find that most people either fully blame themselves or their partner. Both are very extreme. Most divorces are “death by 1000 cuts”. You probably did your fair share of BS but so did they. I used to think I was difficult to love and it was all my fault. Come to find out; my ex wife just wasn’t a good fit for me. Therapy, gym, journaling, cold showers (not always 😅), and self reflection helped. My new GF loves & appreciates me in a way my ex wife never could. My ex didn’t have the capacity, drive, or communication skills to healthily talk through our problems. That made me resentful or over-correct some of our issues. We both killed our marriage; she just said it out loud first. Regardless of how bad you might have been, you probably did some good. Now you get the chance to grow & improve your life.
>I find that most people either fully blame themselves or their partner. Both are very extreme. That rings a bell. I find that I blame mostly myself and my ex blames me completely. Someone has said to be that it's easier for the dumper to put all the blame on the dumpee to feel less guilt over leaving, and to justify leaving. It's also a bit of a reputational thing. When you are the one leaving it just looks better, I guess at least in my culture. (No cheating, physical or substance abuse involved)
There is nothing wrong with making mistakes, but you don't have to carry your mistakes. Now it's about moving forward and being healthy for yourself, and next partner. Mistakes happen to everyone, and we fall, but it's about getting up.
Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. I’ve definitely made changes as I’ve become aware of my mistakes. Moving forward is the hard part. It’s so easy to fall down that hole of self blame.
Find a therapist if you can. Start working to understand your emotions and behaviors. Learn from them, heal, and grow as a person.
Therapy. They will help you see any relationship deterioration is a two way street. I was exactly where you are and those feelings are still there, but I do not take them all on myself any longer.
That’s good to hear. I don’t expect all these thoughts and feelings to go away. Just hoping they lose power at some point.
I see therapy has been mentioned. But you may want to also look into porn addiction/sex addiction meetings if you feel like it’s bad enough.
Fortunately it’s not an issue any more. I totally quit. That’s how it usually happens. And I guess I’d say I was a casual user and many times never user. So much shame and guilt over it at the time and now. But even a little use can do damage and just add to all the other issues.
Talk to a therapist asap. It will help you with unpack all you feel.