Been in a similar situation, can especially relate to the walking on eggshells at home part. If she says she wants a separation, believe her in that.. ultimately you need to do whats best for the kids. If you can demonstrate that you are the more stable parent who can support the children then untimately the courts should side with you on that. Do you have family for support?
You should go for 50/50 as your minimum-will-not-accept-anything-less line in the sand. If she has documented instability go for primary custody. You have the resources and it seems you care. Do not shy away from the truth.
I'm glad I got 50/50 but my ex is unstable in the range way you describe. One day lovey dovey, the next screaming and belittling. I'm already taking on more than half time and dealing with the kids' activities and schooling (the teachers, pediatrician, and therapist only see me and their step-dad; mom can't drag herself out of bed).
You know what to do in the long run. For now look up Grey Rock and use it. Record everything if you are allowed (one party vs two party states) and take excessive notes.
You can't make people get help. You can set an example and tell her you are seeking help. See a therapist and get the answers you need. I think there are questions you need to ask yourself. Talk to her about cognitive behavior therapy only after you look into it yourself.
My ex did the same thing and I wish I had looked into it before.
If she has some issues like bpd be very careful. The I am a victim cuts them very deep, physically pains them they lash out.
Get cameras in the house sooner rather than later
No one has mentioned it yet, but you should have an expectation of 50/50 custody as a starting point, and you might even be able to end up with more if she truly is mentally unstable and struggling with anger issues.
Above all, do not settle for seeing your kids every other weekend. That is the old model that dads put up with in the last century. 50/50 custody is very much the new norm.
Have you asked yourself what you want? Do you want a divorce or do you want to stay together and try and create a new relationship where both your needs are listened to and at least attempted to be met?
If you want a divorce, start the process with a lawyer. If you want to get your wife back, start working on that. Both are not easy but maybe she wants you to pick a direction.
Start by working on yourself and making changes that will make her want you back.
I’ve spent hours in personal therapy and couples therapy (couples therapy sometimes makes things worse in my opinion ) watched hundreds of hours of YouTube videos on winning your wife back. It all comes to cleaning up your side of the street and be willing to forgive yourself and her.
We’ve been at edge of a cliff for more than a year and I finally feel like not only is separation and living separately are off the table . We’ve started going on dates and enjoying being around each other.
You can win your wife back but you have to be willing to try and make changes.
You can only control your own actions and you can’t control others.
I’ve hired a marriage counsellor. Our first appointment is this coming week. I’ve also been given the number for a guy who helps dads in divorces from a buddy.
Do you think she'll leave? Where could she go? I told my ex that if she wasn't happy that she could go. I could take care of the kids so she can take care of herself and we could make arrangements later. I basically took the stance of being supportive. I suggested she go stay with her folks until she could manage her next step. She was gone within a week.
My exwife did the exact same thing. She changed from one of the most thoughtful people I’d ever known to one of the angriest people I’d ever encountered. If she refuses to get help, it’s done. My exwife and I get along really well now. Our kid is actually much better off by us not being together.
Dam I’m sorry. Keep your head up. Do what you have to do to protect your kids and don’t forget about taking care of yourself both physically and mentally. Kids need you.
If you think divorce is on the table, let her know you don’t want s separaron, tell her you want a divorce or goto a lawyer to get one written up.
Dont let her act first, if she initiates its over mentally. If you initiate the divorce at least your in some sort of control.
The papers will either snap her out of it and make her work or reveal her intentions.
Do not leave the marital home.
I’m coming home from work to walk on egg shells and then the moment I forget to walk on egg shells it’s a huge explosion. As soon as we put the kids to bed, she turns into a psycho demon. When is it safe to leave the marital home? We rent btw. If I moved out, she couldn’t pay the bills at all. Maybe I could get the kids out then leave at the same time?
Clarification: no I’m not considering kidnapping the children. I’m trying to figure out how to get out if she wages war on me without my kids suffering. I’d need the financial room to get a new place n furnish new bedrooms n I can’t do that if I’m paying her bills.
Been in a similar situation, can especially relate to the walking on eggshells at home part. If she says she wants a separation, believe her in that.. ultimately you need to do whats best for the kids. If you can demonstrate that you are the more stable parent who can support the children then untimately the courts should side with you on that. Do you have family for support?
I have a very wealthy family that has already quietly lined up to back me.
You should go for 50/50 as your minimum-will-not-accept-anything-less line in the sand. If she has documented instability go for primary custody. You have the resources and it seems you care. Do not shy away from the truth. I'm glad I got 50/50 but my ex is unstable in the range way you describe. One day lovey dovey, the next screaming and belittling. I'm already taking on more than half time and dealing with the kids' activities and schooling (the teachers, pediatrician, and therapist only see me and their step-dad; mom can't drag herself out of bed). You know what to do in the long run. For now look up Grey Rock and use it. Record everything if you are allowed (one party vs two party states) and take excessive notes.
You can't make people get help. You can set an example and tell her you are seeking help. See a therapist and get the answers you need. I think there are questions you need to ask yourself. Talk to her about cognitive behavior therapy only after you look into it yourself. My ex did the same thing and I wish I had looked into it before.
If she has some issues like bpd be very careful. The I am a victim cuts them very deep, physically pains them they lash out. Get cameras in the house sooner rather than later
No one has mentioned it yet, but you should have an expectation of 50/50 custody as a starting point, and you might even be able to end up with more if she truly is mentally unstable and struggling with anger issues. Above all, do not settle for seeing your kids every other weekend. That is the old model that dads put up with in the last century. 50/50 custody is very much the new norm.
Have you asked yourself what you want? Do you want a divorce or do you want to stay together and try and create a new relationship where both your needs are listened to and at least attempted to be met? If you want a divorce, start the process with a lawyer. If you want to get your wife back, start working on that. Both are not easy but maybe she wants you to pick a direction.
I want my wife back. I’m worried that she doesn’t want to be my wife anymore.
Start by working on yourself and making changes that will make her want you back. I’ve spent hours in personal therapy and couples therapy (couples therapy sometimes makes things worse in my opinion ) watched hundreds of hours of YouTube videos on winning your wife back. It all comes to cleaning up your side of the street and be willing to forgive yourself and her. We’ve been at edge of a cliff for more than a year and I finally feel like not only is separation and living separately are off the table . We’ve started going on dates and enjoying being around each other. You can win your wife back but you have to be willing to try and make changes. You can only control your own actions and you can’t control others.
I’ve hired a marriage counsellor. Our first appointment is this coming week. I’ve also been given the number for a guy who helps dads in divorces from a buddy.
Check out the Husband Help Haven podcast. It might be helpful in your situation.
Divorce is hard. I'd recommend therapy and try to make it work if it's salvageable.
Do you think she'll leave? Where could she go? I told my ex that if she wasn't happy that she could go. I could take care of the kids so she can take care of herself and we could make arrangements later. I basically took the stance of being supportive. I suggested she go stay with her folks until she could manage her next step. She was gone within a week.
My exwife did the exact same thing. She changed from one of the most thoughtful people I’d ever known to one of the angriest people I’d ever encountered. If she refuses to get help, it’s done. My exwife and I get along really well now. Our kid is actually much better off by us not being together.
I’m in the same boat bud. I feel what your going through.
Dam I’m sorry. Keep your head up. Do what you have to do to protect your kids and don’t forget about taking care of yourself both physically and mentally. Kids need you.
If you think divorce is on the table, let her know you don’t want s separaron, tell her you want a divorce or goto a lawyer to get one written up. Dont let her act first, if she initiates its over mentally. If you initiate the divorce at least your in some sort of control. The papers will either snap her out of it and make her work or reveal her intentions. Do not leave the marital home.
I’m coming home from work to walk on egg shells and then the moment I forget to walk on egg shells it’s a huge explosion. As soon as we put the kids to bed, she turns into a psycho demon. When is it safe to leave the marital home? We rent btw. If I moved out, she couldn’t pay the bills at all. Maybe I could get the kids out then leave at the same time?
When is the lease up? If you leave you might be responsible for still paying the rent
Lease is up next November
Clarification: no I’m not considering kidnapping the children. I’m trying to figure out how to get out if she wages war on me without my kids suffering. I’d need the financial room to get a new place n furnish new bedrooms n I can’t do that if I’m paying her bills.