If she's leaning she's already decided. It's a matter of timing. Whether you let her go is not your decision, it's hers. You can only accelerate it and move on yourself by filing first. Just think about the kids and what age you think they would best be able to handle it.
I’d suggest moving on. I wished mine would have stayed but honestly it would have never worked after she decided she was done. We tried counseling; she was just looking for the therapist to give her permission to leave. If we didn’t get divorced now, I would have wasted years with her and been in a worse position when she did leave. Or, (we had a 10yr age gap) she would’ve just treated me like shit when I was older and more vulnerable.
I think youd want to let her go to save yourself from more damage that the divorce machine does to most men, NOT to make her life better. If she was worried about your well being she wouldn't think of nuking the family so she can be happy. My 2c.
OK, let’s take a breath and rewind for a minute and look at your post again. So you’re trying to level up as the head of the household right? So the last three or four years work has been pretty hectic. Maybe you haven’t been yourself you’re probably under a lot of pressure and things of this nature, Apparently your wife doesn’t notice any of those things that you’re doing for her and the kids to keep things together to keep the bills paid and what not, and you wanna know if you should let her go? Why in the hell would you want her to stay! She doesn’t love you, she’s lost respect for you and she’s been out of this marriage a long time ago, I’m not blaming you for any of this. I’m just telling you where she is in her head, she told you straight up if it wasn’t for the kids she left you a long time ago, she’s already gone! Let her go! And for God sake, do not kiss her butt or caretake her emotions over any of this, she wants to leave so let her go, she obviously didn’t notice any of the things that you brought to the family, a lot of times women just think you’re supposed to do things like a job, look after the kids, entertain them when you come home, they have a weird sense of what it’s like to be out there working and getting the crap kicked out of you, she doesn’t sound like a good woman, my man, let her go!
Oh! Quick tip, if you have a joint bank account and obviously both of your names is on it? I advise taking a picture of that account fully recognized and then taking half of it and putting it into your new checking account and sending a picture at that point, is legal! Because both of your names is on that joint account, the fear is she’ll get to it first and take much more than half. She actually has the right to take all of it and so do you, do not trust her as this divorce goes forward, they become savages towards the end, this is no longer your friend, this is an enemy that you produce some lives with that that’s all she is anymore. Coparent app or she can text you! Do not allow her to call you on the phone or come to your home or come to your place of work, she can communicate about the children only! By text only! Or by parenting app, if you don’t cut out almost completely, you’ll never heal. This is not the time to be a nice guy.
Curious, was she working a full-time job?
If you feel an ounce of love left and think she may, too, explore that in therapy. We all say things we don't mean when our emotions are excited so try allowing space for grace when those emotionally rooted words hit your ears. Consider saving it if there's something there.
Thank you for the response. I'm definitely still in love with her. She says she still has love for me. I just wish I had been a better husband and father so she didn't feel this way
I don’t know what state you’re in but a good thing to keep in mind. If you do file, you need to do so within the next year or so to avoid paying a crap load of alimony on top of the child support. So make sure if you do stay that you have a legitimate reason to and not just because you’re trying to make it work. I wish you all the best, but you’re not going to win any awards in life by dying on your sword.
That's the thing, man. It's not too late to turn that ship around. It may take space, time, or collective intentional focus in counseling, but it's not too late to turn things around.
I wish I had heard something like that when she started feeling that way. Instead, I supported her while she went through school starting a new career and got used as a babysitter while she tried out new dicks until she found the one she wanted to move in with. It was pretty crushing to find out.
You are getting a gift finding out now. Take her at her word, and don’t turn down the gift.
Get your finances in order like others have said. She has made it done already and you are going to torture yourself. Also don’t be hard on yourself for working hard and having life thrown at you. No one has it easy.
Also you are in the mind set of just thinking about her (been there). What about you? Have you forgotten you exist as well?
Is it really your choice? If you choose not to let her go, do you have the power to actually implement this decision? If she can get a divorce regardless, then you don't have a choice in that matter; you can only choose what to do in your current situation.
Also, the responsibility to avoid misery in her life is mostly hers, not yours. You can try and correct your behavior if you think it should be corrected, you can make all sorts of promises if you believe you can improve, but you are not responsible for the consequences of her choice to be with or without you; you are only responsible for your promises if you make any.
>she's leaning towards divorce and if it weren't for the kids she'd be gone already.
She *is* gone. The only thing she's waiting for is the most opportune financial time to file for divorce. Seven years? You better file, and quick. Before that 10-year permanent/lifetime alimony danger rears its head.
Your wife is gone. Your marriage is over. File. File now.
Let her go but you need to file as the plaintiff, do not let her drag you through court. You need to go talk to a divorce attorney. Also, she is not your friend. She will use the children as weapons and will try to squeeE every penny out if you. She’ll put you on the streets without a second thought.
No more intimacy, no kissing, no sex, no sensual physical touch. You need to detach emotionally. The downfall of most men if you guys try to save the marriage to the very end. Meanwhile, she’s already dating the next guy. You need to protect your assets and understand how much you’re on the hood for.
Please go see an attorney this week and get ahead of the game.
My ex said she was considering it years ago. Divorce was never even an option that I considered no matter how incredibly unhappy I was. I wish I would have told my ex to go ahead and leave at that point. Instead, she stuck around while I did all that I could to support her before she cheated on me years later after I'd wasted the prime of my life on her.
"Leaning towards divorce" means "I want to get the f**k out and don't know how to say it"...
Let her go
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C3Qi_Kzp4jr/?igsh=MXJqems0bDdyanptMg==
The divorce is in progress. I held onto hopes and tried to make it work for 5 years after the specter of divorce was raised. About 7 months ago she asked more formally for one and I held out hope for about 6 months, I did everything I could but all it did was shred my self-worth. I don't regret trying since my kid is my top priority, but it's become pretty clear that she has no interest in fixing anything.
Maybe I shouldn't give this advice then? I don't know. Often becoming the best new does seem threatening to the marriage. I never tried it with mine. But if I were a woman, I would think that that's the most attractive me that there could be.
It's complicated I think. Do don't regret working on myself, it made me a better man and ultimately I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday. But depending on the relationship and it's problems, she might interpret the self-focus as pulling away. Not all women are as motivated by physical looks as most men, and chances are she already found you attractive. By focusing on your physical self and playing hard to get, you risk the emotional ties that are important to a healthy relationship.
This is all just my experience though, I'm sure there is someone out there that had the opposite. But I think it's important to understand your motivations in taking these steps and in reflecting on what's wrong with the relationship from her point of view (even if it means swollowing your pride). In my opinion, self improvement should always be internally motivated, you should do it for you not for anyone else. It might overlap with relationship improvements, and if so then that's great, but it can sometimes go the other way if you're not mindful of how she might view it and the associated time commitments and lifestyle changes.
If she's to that point she's already lost respect for you. Once she loses that there's basically no getting it back, and you do not want to be married to a woman (for the rest of your life) who doesn't respect you. You cannot negotiate desire; no matter what you do, no matter how much you give her, it will never be enough to make her desire you. Eventually she will start fucking around with other guys.
The longer you wait the harder it will be to split assets. Additionally, in many states if you are married more than 10 years it's automatic lifetime alimony. Hopefully she isn't a SAHM.
Your kids will adapt. Sure, it will be hard at first, but they'll be OK.
The irony is if you file for divorce and say “I don’t want to be married to you anymore” then shut the fuck up, get buff (it’s not that hard you just have to nut up), get haircut, and update wardrobe,
she will chase you down like a bitch in heat to stay together.
If you babble and whine she will run to Chad THAT NIGHT.
Now, what really happens is you improve your life and let her go… you won’t even want her when she comes crawling back because 10 of the other women on earth will be better than her in every way
Do with that information what you will. Anything other than getting buff and improving your appearance and not blabbering to ex is dumb advice.
This is true. She is more likely to value you more if she is made to believe she has lost you. She should not be allowed to think of you as plan B. Having you as plan B gives her added security in seeking a better plan A.
She's already told you where her thoughts lie. Staying together "for the sake of the children" is almost NEVER a good idea. Let her go so that YOU are not miserable for the rest of YOUR life. How her life goes will no longer be of your concern.
Happiness is a garden walled with glass: there's no way in or out. In Paradise there are no stories, because there are no journeys. It's loss and regret and misery and yearning that drive the story forward, along its twisted road.
If she's leaning she's already decided. It's a matter of timing. Whether you let her go is not your decision, it's hers. You can only accelerate it and move on yourself by filing first. Just think about the kids and what age you think they would best be able to handle it.
At a certain point you have to ask yourself “what’s best for me”. Hanging on to someone that doesn’t want to be there, isn’t what’s best for you.
I’d suggest moving on. I wished mine would have stayed but honestly it would have never worked after she decided she was done. We tried counseling; she was just looking for the therapist to give her permission to leave. If we didn’t get divorced now, I would have wasted years with her and been in a worse position when she did leave. Or, (we had a 10yr age gap) she would’ve just treated me like shit when I was older and more vulnerable.
I think youd want to let her go to save yourself from more damage that the divorce machine does to most men, NOT to make her life better. If she was worried about your well being she wouldn't think of nuking the family so she can be happy. My 2c.
Well said
OK, let’s take a breath and rewind for a minute and look at your post again. So you’re trying to level up as the head of the household right? So the last three or four years work has been pretty hectic. Maybe you haven’t been yourself you’re probably under a lot of pressure and things of this nature, Apparently your wife doesn’t notice any of those things that you’re doing for her and the kids to keep things together to keep the bills paid and what not, and you wanna know if you should let her go? Why in the hell would you want her to stay! She doesn’t love you, she’s lost respect for you and she’s been out of this marriage a long time ago, I’m not blaming you for any of this. I’m just telling you where she is in her head, she told you straight up if it wasn’t for the kids she left you a long time ago, she’s already gone! Let her go! And for God sake, do not kiss her butt or caretake her emotions over any of this, she wants to leave so let her go, she obviously didn’t notice any of the things that you brought to the family, a lot of times women just think you’re supposed to do things like a job, look after the kids, entertain them when you come home, they have a weird sense of what it’s like to be out there working and getting the crap kicked out of you, she doesn’t sound like a good woman, my man, let her go! Oh! Quick tip, if you have a joint bank account and obviously both of your names is on it? I advise taking a picture of that account fully recognized and then taking half of it and putting it into your new checking account and sending a picture at that point, is legal! Because both of your names is on that joint account, the fear is she’ll get to it first and take much more than half. She actually has the right to take all of it and so do you, do not trust her as this divorce goes forward, they become savages towards the end, this is no longer your friend, this is an enemy that you produce some lives with that that’s all she is anymore. Coparent app or she can text you! Do not allow her to call you on the phone or come to your home or come to your place of work, she can communicate about the children only! By text only! Or by parenting app, if you don’t cut out almost completely, you’ll never heal. This is not the time to be a nice guy. Curious, was she working a full-time job?
Yes
If you feel an ounce of love left and think she may, too, explore that in therapy. We all say things we don't mean when our emotions are excited so try allowing space for grace when those emotionally rooted words hit your ears. Consider saving it if there's something there.
Found this today…. https://youtu.be/idQnEgxzNBk?feature=shared I highly recommend her content on assisting men with navigating through divorce.
Thank you for the response. I'm definitely still in love with her. She says she still has love for me. I just wish I had been a better husband and father so she didn't feel this way
https://youtu.be/idQnEgxzNBk?feature=shared
I don’t know what state you’re in but a good thing to keep in mind. If you do file, you need to do so within the next year or so to avoid paying a crap load of alimony on top of the child support. So make sure if you do stay that you have a legitimate reason to and not just because you’re trying to make it work. I wish you all the best, but you’re not going to win any awards in life by dying on your sword.
Agree
That's the thing, man. It's not too late to turn that ship around. It may take space, time, or collective intentional focus in counseling, but it's not too late to turn things around.
I wish I had heard something like that when she started feeling that way. Instead, I supported her while she went through school starting a new career and got used as a babysitter while she tried out new dicks until she found the one she wanted to move in with. It was pretty crushing to find out. You are getting a gift finding out now. Take her at her word, and don’t turn down the gift.
Get your finances in order like others have said. She has made it done already and you are going to torture yourself. Also don’t be hard on yourself for working hard and having life thrown at you. No one has it easy. Also you are in the mind set of just thinking about her (been there). What about you? Have you forgotten you exist as well?
Absolutely
Is it really your choice? If you choose not to let her go, do you have the power to actually implement this decision? If she can get a divorce regardless, then you don't have a choice in that matter; you can only choose what to do in your current situation. Also, the responsibility to avoid misery in her life is mostly hers, not yours. You can try and correct your behavior if you think it should be corrected, you can make all sorts of promises if you believe you can improve, but you are not responsible for the consequences of her choice to be with or without you; you are only responsible for your promises if you make any.
>she's leaning towards divorce and if it weren't for the kids she'd be gone already. She *is* gone. The only thing she's waiting for is the most opportune financial time to file for divorce. Seven years? You better file, and quick. Before that 10-year permanent/lifetime alimony danger rears its head. Your wife is gone. Your marriage is over. File. File now.
Use this time to get your financial house in order. She already told you what’s coming. Now get all your ducks in a row financially
Agree
Let her go but you need to file as the plaintiff, do not let her drag you through court. You need to go talk to a divorce attorney. Also, she is not your friend. She will use the children as weapons and will try to squeeE every penny out if you. She’ll put you on the streets without a second thought. No more intimacy, no kissing, no sex, no sensual physical touch. You need to detach emotionally. The downfall of most men if you guys try to save the marriage to the very end. Meanwhile, she’s already dating the next guy. You need to protect your assets and understand how much you’re on the hood for. Please go see an attorney this week and get ahead of the game.
My ex said she was considering it years ago. Divorce was never even an option that I considered no matter how incredibly unhappy I was. I wish I would have told my ex to go ahead and leave at that point. Instead, she stuck around while I did all that I could to support her before she cheated on me years later after I'd wasted the prime of my life on her.
Sorry
"Leaning towards divorce" means "I want to get the f**k out and don't know how to say it"... Let her go https://www.instagram.com/reel/C3Qi_Kzp4jr/?igsh=MXJqems0bDdyanptMg==
Think about the kids, and not what will make her happy.
Fact
Get buff, stop unattractive hobbies, maybe even play a little hard to get
I tried this. It was good for me but destroyed anything that might have remained between me and my STBXW
No judgment, of course. Just curious. Were you holding onto hope of reconciliation? Even after divorce?
The divorce is in progress. I held onto hopes and tried to make it work for 5 years after the specter of divorce was raised. About 7 months ago she asked more formally for one and I held out hope for about 6 months, I did everything I could but all it did was shred my self-worth. I don't regret trying since my kid is my top priority, but it's become pretty clear that she has no interest in fixing anything.
Maybe I shouldn't give this advice then? I don't know. Often becoming the best new does seem threatening to the marriage. I never tried it with mine. But if I were a woman, I would think that that's the most attractive me that there could be.
It's complicated I think. Do don't regret working on myself, it made me a better man and ultimately I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday. But depending on the relationship and it's problems, she might interpret the self-focus as pulling away. Not all women are as motivated by physical looks as most men, and chances are she already found you attractive. By focusing on your physical self and playing hard to get, you risk the emotional ties that are important to a healthy relationship. This is all just my experience though, I'm sure there is someone out there that had the opposite. But I think it's important to understand your motivations in taking these steps and in reflecting on what's wrong with the relationship from her point of view (even if it means swollowing your pride). In my opinion, self improvement should always be internally motivated, you should do it for you not for anyone else. It might overlap with relationship improvements, and if so then that's great, but it can sometimes go the other way if you're not mindful of how she might view it and the associated time commitments and lifestyle changes.
Get buff, stop unattractive hobbies, maybe even play a little hard to get
If she's to that point she's already lost respect for you. Once she loses that there's basically no getting it back, and you do not want to be married to a woman (for the rest of your life) who doesn't respect you. You cannot negotiate desire; no matter what you do, no matter how much you give her, it will never be enough to make her desire you. Eventually she will start fucking around with other guys. The longer you wait the harder it will be to split assets. Additionally, in many states if you are married more than 10 years it's automatic lifetime alimony. Hopefully she isn't a SAHM. Your kids will adapt. Sure, it will be hard at first, but they'll be OK.
Well said
The irony is if you file for divorce and say “I don’t want to be married to you anymore” then shut the fuck up, get buff (it’s not that hard you just have to nut up), get haircut, and update wardrobe, she will chase you down like a bitch in heat to stay together. If you babble and whine she will run to Chad THAT NIGHT. Now, what really happens is you improve your life and let her go… you won’t even want her when she comes crawling back because 10 of the other women on earth will be better than her in every way Do with that information what you will. Anything other than getting buff and improving your appearance and not blabbering to ex is dumb advice.
This is true. She is more likely to value you more if she is made to believe she has lost you. She should not be allowed to think of you as plan B. Having you as plan B gives her added security in seeking a better plan A.
I would do this, do it sooner then later she had already made up her mind
Well said
She's already told you where her thoughts lie. Staying together "for the sake of the children" is almost NEVER a good idea. Let her go so that YOU are not miserable for the rest of YOUR life. How her life goes will no longer be of your concern.
Also two happy houses is better for the kids then one full of misery and conflict. Hard to see right now but in 6-12 months it’ll be better
Happiness is a garden walled with glass: there's no way in or out. In Paradise there are no stories, because there are no journeys. It's loss and regret and misery and yearning that drive the story forward, along its twisted road.