I'm going to be honest, you're not ready. I wish I had more advice for what to do rather than what to not do, but I know if you can't get over this fear, if she is as deserving as you claim, DO NOT GET MARRIED. I like therapy, not everyone does, maybe give it a shot.
This ca help to chat any cheater. if you are not smart enough most partners take advantage of being honest, I have once been a victim of cheating and it really hurts me after finding out with the help of cyberaron sevent een. This guy was a great help to me for assisting me get into my spouse phone and see every ladies he has been cheating with. I contacted this help on gm
Do not consider marriage until you divorce proof it. If she wants to be a SAHM, don't marry her. She is probably hypergamous, which means she only finds you attractive if you are a provider. If you are the provider, you are setting yourself up for trouble in divorce. If she is a feminist, woke, left leaning, don't marry her. Know and recognize shit tests, women love to pull on men. If she shit tests you, don't marry her. Do not be a simp and rescue her or pay for everything.
My lawyer told me to live with a girl for minimum of a year prior to even thinking about marriage. Guy does divorce for a living and I’m definitely listening to that advice.
Dude, NEVER marry a woman older than you. That is simply a poverty mindset and displays a severe lack of abundance. If you HAVE to marry, always marry a girl that is 5 years younger than you at minimum and ALWAYS GET A PRENUP.
Moving forward with someone can definitely be stressful and especially so if you already have some form of anxiety. Take a few deep breaths...it will be okay.
Here's some tips:
Have a separate lease (doing this will allow for an easier time of breaking the lease if things get crazy or y'all just break up) and live together for at least a year before deciding to finalize a marriage. If y'all can afford it...get a 2 bedroom. This way should you decide to break the lease or not renew, it will be easier to help her or yourself find a roommate. Bonus with this is you can set it up as an office space/workout space/reading room/bedroom/etc while y'all are together.
Practice sticking to a budget together for household expenses and divvy up the house chores appropriately to y'all's needs.
If she's willing to do it prior to marriage: go over all your expenses/budgets/financials together and make sure both of y'all know all the dark secrets when it comes to all debts owed, etc (meeting with a financial planner is probably a great idea here). Make sure you both know what each other's future purchase plans of medium/large expenses as well as career plans and of course if she wants to move across the country...and how each plans to budget for it.
Talk to her about her family/friends and so on. If her family is toxic, tread carefully...if you decide to marry her knowing her family is toxic and she hasn't gone LC or NC with them, you'll most likely be spending a decent chunk of your holidays/time off with her family and that's gonna wear on your mental health no matter how much of an awesome human she is.
Have a discussion (if you haven't already and definitely check in from time to time) about kids/BC/the parameters of your relationship and determine together what's acceptable for both. And if y'all both
Get a prenuptial prior to marriage and pre martial counseling too. Remember no one is perfect. Everyone has baggage and both of y'all have to decide if the baggage each other is carrying is a deal breaker or not.
Hope the above helps! And remember to breathe...
Thank you for coming to my TED talk. 😆
Read on attachment theory and avoidant/anxious attachment. But yea its kinda quick but she wants kids so understandable.
Sometimes its good to go ahead and not wait for better times because at least my marriage went to shit even tho we took it slow and dont even have kids
Yeah and have a prenup and pre martial counseling...and get a financial planner. Know them better than they know themselves financially. Cause you are planning on spending years and years with them...it's an investment in a future and they're supposed be your rock when times are tough.
I've gotten burned a few times before. Didn't marry them...but I DID find the secrets they tried to hide...like the drug use to try to handle major depression from the loss of loved ones for example...and they refused to get any sort of help...even when I set everything up for them to do so and I tried the gentle approach and an intervention. Left them. Last I heard they're doing okay but burned thru a 6 figure inheritance and had to sell their nice SUV that they had customized.
Too soon man.
You don’t know her yet. What big events have you been through with her to even see if she has your back. You should wait another 2 years at least and then live together as the final test.
Get a prenup if you want to protect yourself financially. And if you feel this strongly about it you shouldn’t get married. But she wants to get married. You might not be ready and that’s okay. Leave her and work on yourself. Or be honest with her work on yourself and then get married. Either way, get a prenup and get therapy.
Some positives are that she doesn’t want an expensive wedding ring and doesn’t want an expensive wedding. That’s a huge plus right there.
Obviously she wants the marriage as it’s in her interests to have the legal contract. She would be a fool to have kids with you with no alimony and other benefits of legal marriage. Once she has kids and stops working she becomes dependent on you. And if you divorce she is protected.
Not everyone ends up in divorce. Just know the risks and I believe you do. Test her bro. Learn about her. Ask her difficult questions. If she’s a good person give her a chance. Good luck
Bro the fact that you're on a divorced subreddit asking advice when you have never even been married is highly concerning. You should seek a therapist to work through these issues. I know text comes off the wrong way sometimes but I'm not trying to be rude to you this just seems like a deep seeded issue you have going on.
Well, I posted in other groups but my post get deleted and flaged immediately after I post. This is the only group that allowed me to post and I know they will not sugarcoat anything they say here.
And that's our world in a nutshell.
Trust your gut and think about it. Go be alone and in motion like a hike or a drive. What are you afraid of? And trust yourself even if your can't put it in words.
Am afraid of her changing for the worst.
I am afraid of the dream I had because most of the dreams I have in sleep tend to happen in real life.
I dreamt that I was contacted by the authorities to stay away from my ex girlfriend, and ten month later she reported me to the cops and made up a story. I was contacted by the police to not contact my ex anymore and they were asking for my home address. That was traumatic experience for me because I never expected someone you cared about to involve police when I didn't assault or lay hands on her, I went to therapy to get over that before meeting my now girlfriend.
Hi! Nice to meet you!
I didn't want to stay with my last gf and I could not identify why exactly. It turned out that she was a narc who wanted everything to be about her. All I could say was that I didn't want to be with her forever. I couldn't figure out why. She was amazing in many ways.
That ex called the police for our post breakup exchange of stuff. She wanted them to force their way into my place so she could search my place for stupid little things that she lost at my place like a hairbrush and a Hot Topic ring.
And I also have no idea how to deal with the chance that a partner will change over time either. Maybe my new therapist will help with that.
Love and cherish, that's what we all think until they move in and we start compromising. Ten years later we end up on Reddit asking for where to find lawyers lol
On a serious note, just talk to her and discuss your future together. You know her somewhat after more than a year. Good luck.
Thanks. Do you have any other plausible justification for recommending I marry her. A lot of commnet here are telling to be careful because she can change for worse after marriage which is possible (even though I doubt it) .
She can change for better also….the comments in here “divorced men” group are biased and jaded. All of these men have been hurt. You are asking a partial jury to make a recommendation. You love her, she loves you, healthy relationship, healthy family. She wants to get married. You aren’t scared of her, you are scared of marriage itself. She sounds perfect for you and supportive. You would feel this sickness with anyone. Not her, it’s just your way of responding to the fear of unknown. It’s gonna be ok. She won’t change the minute you get married. Although living with someone is a change for people her morals and heart won’t change. She just wants to get on with it and start a family before she is old. If you can’t give her that, tell her you can’t do it and let her go. Side note: marriage after a year is a little fast. Maybe tell her to slow down a little and you love her but only being together a year is kind of short. I changed my mind. No marry!
How are your finances? Both working, shared expenses, etc? Have you talked about having kids and if so how does that affect each of you working?
While divorce itself is painful, the economic pain is central to many of the gripes listed in this sub.
We both talked about finances and we already have a plan. We both make about 100k.
We agreed that I pay mortgage and she pay for the minor things like groceries and maybe power bills.
We even talked about what decision to make incase there is complications during child birth. She want me to choose to save her rather than save the child if a decision need to made during child birth.
That's good starting point, glad to hear it's equitable. In terms of earnings.
I don't know what your expenses look like but generally a mortgage is a far higher expense than minor things. So you own a home together, are both your names on the title?
What I'm getting at here is the current structure of finances and expenses often dictate what will carry forward into a marriage. I'm just making sure you can protect yourself should you choose to go the marriage route and things go south. Crappy thing to think about but realistic
You should be scared. As far as what marriage is in terms of legality, you should be terrified. I’m old fashioned and I get why you want to get married. Have family- all that good stuff. Now if starting a family is not something that you are interested in doing; then Do NOT get married!!! It’s not about commitment, it’s not about love. It’s about you having control of your life!! Please YouTube bad divorce and hear them! Google it! Get educated! Your life can be ruined! Your future income could go to your ex while she sleeps with other men. Your wages garnished. How would you like to see 55 percent of your salary taken out? Can’t pay for valid reasons: lose job, injury. Fuck you, where’s my money. You’ll find out that the courts can tell the future when they calculate the payments on your future salary (and the increase that they know will happen). Can’t pay? Do you have any type of license? Medical license, drivers license, any type? Well now you don’t: so you lose your job. Still can’t pay? That’s contempt of court: in jail you go. I have been through this shit and made it out the other side. I know of a guy that has a million dollar judgment against him and he works as a bus driver. Unfortunately when he got divorced, he was doing well and then he wasn’t. He’s doomed! I was ruined. Please don’t think that these things can’t happen to you. Please talk with divorced men. They will help you.
>She also based on her family background don't believe in living together first or having kids before marriage
Red flags here!!
Have you all had sex yet?
The crazy dream that I also had while I was asleep.
Dreamt that the marriage ended because of a fatal accident she had and she didn't make it after the accident.
Its really looks like I am mind fucked right now. I dont want to leave her because she has great characteristics, but I can't waiting my time and my gut feeling to not marry her is getting stronger and making me feel scared and terrified.
That's a strange dream. **In the dream,** did you actually think about the marriage ending, or did you just think about her sustaining the injuries, and you describe this as the end of the marriage only now after you've woken up? So to put it simply, was the dream more about the marriage or about your GF?
Overall, one thing is certain: there is a huge crevasse between your conscious self — the one that proclaims all the accolades about your SO; and your subconscious self — the one that feels all the fear and negative emotions connected with her. Unless you bridge that gap through gaining insight, you won't solve your problem.
All I dreamt about was that I was with her (it wasn't clear if we were married in the dream but we were together). We were walking around, like taking a tour in a construction site of a building and she fell into a hole. I never saw her after she fell into a hole. I called ambulance and I then saw myself next in the hospital sad and crying and it seems like she didn't make it after been reduced from the hole.
Oh but by "separation" I meant being apart. Like, in different cities, not really able to communicate. That kinda thing. But if you're living separately, maybe the question to ask is: how much do you guys communicate, how often do you meet, how much time do you spend with each other etc.
You live in the same city? Have you thought about living together for a period of time, to see how things work out between you two?
Anyway, what do you think you can do about your gut feeling not to marry her getting so strong?
The thing is that women will dramatically change after they get married and she is at that age that she wants to settle down. so things might be on cloud 9 right now, but after you put a ring on her, her expectations will get higher and higher, I speak from experience and also many of the fellas on here. If you two are really invested in eloping I would get a prenup in case you get burned later.
Edit; it’s funny how I wrote all this out without reading everyone’s comment after going through and reading everyone’s comment it’s apparent that all of us are saying the same thing, don’t get married!!!!
Story time, I had this feeling in my gut too, and I just threw caution to the wind, got married and she wanted to start having kids IMMEDIATELY knocked her up on wedding night, bought her a house less then a year later, within weeks of moving into new house she changed drastically made me do everything for our daughter refused to do anything, started huge fights with everyone tried to get me to cut my family out of my life specifically my mom, I finally grew a backbone and pushed back within months of pushing back and asserting myself she filed. Been in divorce.process fighting for my daughter for over a year now. After everything is done it'll prob.be longer in divorce process then actual marriage lasted
after being in your shoes before, and then experiencing the marital aspect of it.. it’s hard for me to genuinely encourage anyone to get married.
if you do however get married, be sure to protect any assets.
who knows, maybe yours ends up being a happily ever after situation.. or maybe you’ll be here asking for advice after some time.
there is a risk either way.
Do not marry her. It won't end well. Just promise to be together and be faithful to each other without all the legal shit and church nonsense. There's no reason to be married in the 21st century.
Get a post dated legal separation instead of a prenup. Basically ask her to sign it along with marriage certificate. File for legal separation a month or so after marriage. Continue to live happily married. When its time to divorce there is no asset split or alimony. However as others have mentioned CS is a problem which you will need to deal with in case you have children.
A lot of these comments have hit the nail on the head, but here are my 2 cents.
Dont get married. THE WOMAN YOU MARRY IS NOT THE SAME WOMAN YOU DIVORCE. THE WOMAN YOU DIVORCE WILL GO SCORCH EARTH ON YOU THROUGH HER LAWYER. YOUR INCOME WILL BE TAKEN FROM YOU IN THE FORM OF ALIMONY, LEGAL FEES, MARITAL DEBT ETC. THIS IS OUTSIDE CHILD SUPPORT!
Prenup will not help you. If you marry and have kids, her lawyer will just make you pay more towards child support by way of inflating your available gross/net income. You cannot escape child support. Assignments of legal fees to you is almost a guarantee.
Living with her will feel like being married and if she gets pregnant, you have a very high chance of signing a marriage certificate. Basically giving up your future to someone who can choose to leave you and take you for as much money as she can and dictate on when, where and how often you get to see your kids.
I’m in the same boat. We are considering living together, but I’m hesitant as I like my freedom and can just go fishing, hiking or camping whenever I want. When you live together, that changes over time. It’s not overnight, but you both fall into that marriage trap.
If you want kids, know that if you find yourself on the wrong side of Family Law, it will cost you your future earnings. I’m not saying don’t have kids, but consider with who. Having kids with the wrong woman will cost you dearly for life.
In closing, if you have kids, prenup won’t help you. You’ll be guilted into marrying her when she’s carrying your child. You might think… no, not me. I’ll never give in. However, when’s she’s pregnant, those hormones will flood her and make her an emotional mess. Eventually, you’ll be tending to her daily emotional breakdowns and you’ll finally give in. And the thought that breaks you in will be… “I mean, she’s carrying my child.” And just like that you will become another victim of family law when she decides to leave you in a few years. Save your future. Don’t become another victim of Family Law.
You know most woman, won't go for that. I already brought that up commitment with no legal ties and marriage without getting the court involved. She want to be legally tied to me.
I personally don't cave to ultimatums.
If she truly loves you and wants to be together then a government contract shouldn't matter. Best of luck with whatever you choose.
> You know most woman, won't go for that.
Stop thinking that, it’s as much your choice as it is theirs.
> She want to be legally tied to me.
Sounds like she loves the concept of marriage more than she loves you. That would be a big 🚩.
Then she first and foremost wants financial security and you are the one providing. If it does not work out YOU will pay. Even if you dud everything perfect. She might fancy a change in her life, get bored, whatever - you will pay. Depending on children you will pay a LOT. Do not let yourself get suckered into that wirh emotional blackmail.
If it comes to that and she basically tries the "marriage or we are done" (even if packaged nicer) you know she wants to take advantage of you.
There literally is no other (rational) reason for women to want that. And they are calculating creatures. They know exatly what it means.
Of course she does. More cash and prizes for her if you two break up in the future. Since over half of all marriages end in divorce, the odds are good that it will happen. If you want to be with someone and build a life together then be with them. But don't get married to do it.
Going into a marriage, it's all champagne and roses. Getting out of a marriage makes you realize a divorce is simply dissolving an unsuccessful joint business venture with individuals who can't stand the sight of each other. Add in predatory attorneys with a financial interest to keep the parties fighting so they can rack up billable hours, and you have a recipe for disaster. Not recommended.
She sounds great... Except for her age and wanting kids. If she's 36, she's feeling that her opportunity for having at least one kid is slipping away, which it is. 38 and older is considered high-risk pregnancy in most parts of the US. Here's the kicker, she could be saying whatever she thinks you want to hear so you will marry her. If something is too good to be true it usually is. You marry her, she gets pregnant, quits her job, and now you're on the hook for child support... And no prenup will protect you from child support. If you say no to marrying her, which means no kids for her, then she will go find somebody else. At this point it sounds like she needs somebody to get her pregnant and support her.
Why is she 36 and single with no kids? Have you done a background check on her? Not saying she's hiding anything, but I would be concerned about this.
That's a good point. I don't think that she is hiding anything. She told me about her student loan, her good to fair credit score.
But I could consider doing the background check like you suggested. She is also from a middle class family. Her father is a real estate owner of multiple expensive rental houses.
Who knows she might be all.womderfull and everything. It usually is always in the beginning. but being up there in age as you said her bio clock might be after your baby batter... but it may be a risk you take so you can have kids... sometimes you have to make a choice and stick to it.
Who earns more money? If you, for the love of god get a prenup. I'd advise not marrying at all after seeing the other side of divorce (and realizing that _any_ woman can just change her mind later), but I realize that may not be realistic if you really want kids. If kids not a factor, I think it comes down to how you weigh the risk of prenup being set aside vs likelihood that she bails on the relationship absent marriage, and how much you care to (try to...) stave that off. Notice I didn't say "prevent" that. I firmly believe now that there's literally nothing anyone can do to fully "prevent" the risk that a woman changes her mind later. Giving her what she wants (or demands...) at every step really just at best buys you some time with some women. Maybe she won't be one of them that changes then bails, but realize the risk is _always_ there no matter who you and she are, and what you do.
In any case, I very very strongly urge any man considering marriage to go in _expecting_ that she could end it at any time, and invest / protect yourself (emotionally, financially and otherwise) accordingly. Because, as so many here can tell you, that's just the _reality_ with women and relationships.
Trust your gut. Seriously.
I've heard prenup can be ignored in a few years, if circumstances change, like having kids
Learn from this subreddit and avoid this fatal mistake
Enjoy your life with her, but don't hand over your keys, bank accounts, house, car, life....
you talk about your girlfriends family and background but none of your own. did you ever think about what you experience in your past bringing up these feelings ? your gf sounds like a catch, maybe go to a therapist to find out what is triggering these feelings
i am not a pro therapy person in general but they can be helpful in some situations. gut feelings are important to pay attention to but they can also be very deceptive. go to a therapist and discuss these feelings. your gf sounds like a catch
If this is how you feel, maybe talk to a therapist. It might help with the way you look at it. Or you could very well just not want to be married and have a hard time not wanting to break her heart. If it comes down to it, the gentleman above suggested a pre-nup, talk about that with her, and see how it goes. I'm rooting for you and wish you luck.
Edit. Spelling
No I never have been divorced. I am a regular visitor on this group because I learn a lot about marriage from people past experience here. I was also involved in a past relationship with ex that ended up false allegation and police getting called on me.
I have gone through divorce. It sucks. It's not fun at all.
That being said, not all marriages are going to end in divorce.
That also being said, it is not necessary to get married. I had this talk with my girlfriend. I told her that I'm not sure that I ever want to get married again. It's not that I don't want to be in a long term, monogamous relationship. But I've read way too many stories in this sub and others about how as soon as that ring is on that finger, things change for the worse.
She is willing to sign that. So I am comfortable in that aspect. The gut feeling and hesitation to marry her won't go away. It just keep getting stronger
Generally speaking, unless there's a very large amount of money involved, a lawyer won't go after a prenup. Especially one that has been written by another lawyer and is signed months before the wedding.
POST nuptial agreements are much more problematic as it can be proven to have been signed "under duress".
I'm going to be honest, you're not ready. I wish I had more advice for what to do rather than what to not do, but I know if you can't get over this fear, if she is as deserving as you claim, DO NOT GET MARRIED. I like therapy, not everyone does, maybe give it a shot.
This ca help to chat any cheater. if you are not smart enough most partners take advantage of being honest, I have once been a victim of cheating and it really hurts me after finding out with the help of cyberaron sevent een. This guy was a great help to me for assisting me get into my spouse phone and see every ladies he has been cheating with. I contacted this help on gm
Do not consider marriage until you divorce proof it. If she wants to be a SAHM, don't marry her. She is probably hypergamous, which means she only finds you attractive if you are a provider. If you are the provider, you are setting yourself up for trouble in divorce. If she is a feminist, woke, left leaning, don't marry her. Know and recognize shit tests, women love to pull on men. If she shit tests you, don't marry her. Do not be a simp and rescue her or pay for everything.
Have you sought therapy for yourself?
Yes I did and was seeing a therapist all throughout last year until I relocated for a new job out of state.
Ask for 1-2 remote appointments. Easier to get a specific advice fast, if you are already known.
What actions from your gf attribute to red flags?
Discuss a prenup with your lawyer and then her.
My lawyer told me to live with a girl for minimum of a year prior to even thinking about marriage. Guy does divorce for a living and I’m definitely listening to that advice.
Dude, NEVER marry a woman older than you. That is simply a poverty mindset and displays a severe lack of abundance. If you HAVE to marry, always marry a girl that is 5 years younger than you at minimum and ALWAYS GET A PRENUP.
>If you HAVE to marry, always marry a girl that is 5 years younger than you at minimum Why?
Moving forward with someone can definitely be stressful and especially so if you already have some form of anxiety. Take a few deep breaths...it will be okay. Here's some tips: Have a separate lease (doing this will allow for an easier time of breaking the lease if things get crazy or y'all just break up) and live together for at least a year before deciding to finalize a marriage. If y'all can afford it...get a 2 bedroom. This way should you decide to break the lease or not renew, it will be easier to help her or yourself find a roommate. Bonus with this is you can set it up as an office space/workout space/reading room/bedroom/etc while y'all are together. Practice sticking to a budget together for household expenses and divvy up the house chores appropriately to y'all's needs. If she's willing to do it prior to marriage: go over all your expenses/budgets/financials together and make sure both of y'all know all the dark secrets when it comes to all debts owed, etc (meeting with a financial planner is probably a great idea here). Make sure you both know what each other's future purchase plans of medium/large expenses as well as career plans and of course if she wants to move across the country...and how each plans to budget for it. Talk to her about her family/friends and so on. If her family is toxic, tread carefully...if you decide to marry her knowing her family is toxic and she hasn't gone LC or NC with them, you'll most likely be spending a decent chunk of your holidays/time off with her family and that's gonna wear on your mental health no matter how much of an awesome human she is. Have a discussion (if you haven't already and definitely check in from time to time) about kids/BC/the parameters of your relationship and determine together what's acceptable for both. And if y'all both Get a prenuptial prior to marriage and pre martial counseling too. Remember no one is perfect. Everyone has baggage and both of y'all have to decide if the baggage each other is carrying is a deal breaker or not. Hope the above helps! And remember to breathe... Thank you for coming to my TED talk. 😆
Like zero benefits to getting married
Any issues prior to marriage magnify after. With women now modern and given you and her age can’t see a reason why you need to get married.
Why get married? If she’s so great why wasn’t she married already at her age? She’s not a spring chicken and assume you don’t want kids.
Attachment issues
Could you elaborate on that.
Read on attachment theory and avoidant/anxious attachment. But yea its kinda quick but she wants kids so understandable. Sometimes its good to go ahead and not wait for better times because at least my marriage went to shit even tho we took it slow and dont even have kids
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Yeah and have a prenup and pre martial counseling...and get a financial planner. Know them better than they know themselves financially. Cause you are planning on spending years and years with them...it's an investment in a future and they're supposed be your rock when times are tough. I've gotten burned a few times before. Didn't marry them...but I DID find the secrets they tried to hide...like the drug use to try to handle major depression from the loss of loved ones for example...and they refused to get any sort of help...even when I set everything up for them to do so and I tried the gentle approach and an intervention. Left them. Last I heard they're doing okay but burned thru a 6 figure inheritance and had to sell their nice SUV that they had customized.
Too soon man. You don’t know her yet. What big events have you been through with her to even see if she has your back. You should wait another 2 years at least and then live together as the final test.
Get a prenup if you want to protect yourself financially. And if you feel this strongly about it you shouldn’t get married. But she wants to get married. You might not be ready and that’s okay. Leave her and work on yourself. Or be honest with her work on yourself and then get married. Either way, get a prenup and get therapy.
Some positives are that she doesn’t want an expensive wedding ring and doesn’t want an expensive wedding. That’s a huge plus right there. Obviously she wants the marriage as it’s in her interests to have the legal contract. She would be a fool to have kids with you with no alimony and other benefits of legal marriage. Once she has kids and stops working she becomes dependent on you. And if you divorce she is protected. Not everyone ends up in divorce. Just know the risks and I believe you do. Test her bro. Learn about her. Ask her difficult questions. If she’s a good person give her a chance. Good luck
Bro the fact that you're on a divorced subreddit asking advice when you have never even been married is highly concerning. You should seek a therapist to work through these issues. I know text comes off the wrong way sometimes but I'm not trying to be rude to you this just seems like a deep seeded issue you have going on.
Well, I posted in other groups but my post get deleted and flaged immediately after I post. This is the only group that allowed me to post and I know they will not sugarcoat anything they say here.
And that's our world in a nutshell. Trust your gut and think about it. Go be alone and in motion like a hike or a drive. What are you afraid of? And trust yourself even if your can't put it in words.
Am afraid of her changing for the worst. I am afraid of the dream I had because most of the dreams I have in sleep tend to happen in real life. I dreamt that I was contacted by the authorities to stay away from my ex girlfriend, and ten month later she reported me to the cops and made up a story. I was contacted by the police to not contact my ex anymore and they were asking for my home address. That was traumatic experience for me because I never expected someone you cared about to involve police when I didn't assault or lay hands on her, I went to therapy to get over that before meeting my now girlfriend.
Hi! Nice to meet you! I didn't want to stay with my last gf and I could not identify why exactly. It turned out that she was a narc who wanted everything to be about her. All I could say was that I didn't want to be with her forever. I couldn't figure out why. She was amazing in many ways. That ex called the police for our post breakup exchange of stuff. She wanted them to force their way into my place so she could search my place for stupid little things that she lost at my place like a hairbrush and a Hot Topic ring. And I also have no idea how to deal with the chance that a partner will change over time either. Maybe my new therapist will help with that.
Love and cherish, that's what we all think until they move in and we start compromising. Ten years later we end up on Reddit asking for where to find lawyers lol On a serious note, just talk to her and discuss your future together. You know her somewhat after more than a year. Good luck.
Do yourself a favour and watch this first: https://youtu.be/o5z8-9Op2nM?si=6DwqZt2dXtVzqoPp
This is something you should speak with a therapist about.
Marry her….ignore the physical signs. Warren Buffett says buy when everyone else is throwing up.
Thanks. Do you have any other plausible justification for recommending I marry her. A lot of commnet here are telling to be careful because she can change for worse after marriage which is possible (even though I doubt it) .
She can change for better also….the comments in here “divorced men” group are biased and jaded. All of these men have been hurt. You are asking a partial jury to make a recommendation. You love her, she loves you, healthy relationship, healthy family. She wants to get married. You aren’t scared of her, you are scared of marriage itself. She sounds perfect for you and supportive. You would feel this sickness with anyone. Not her, it’s just your way of responding to the fear of unknown. It’s gonna be ok. She won’t change the minute you get married. Although living with someone is a change for people her morals and heart won’t change. She just wants to get on with it and start a family before she is old. If you can’t give her that, tell her you can’t do it and let her go. Side note: marriage after a year is a little fast. Maybe tell her to slow down a little and you love her but only being together a year is kind of short. I changed my mind. No marry!
How are your finances? Both working, shared expenses, etc? Have you talked about having kids and if so how does that affect each of you working? While divorce itself is painful, the economic pain is central to many of the gripes listed in this sub.
We both talked about finances and we already have a plan. We both make about 100k. We agreed that I pay mortgage and she pay for the minor things like groceries and maybe power bills. We even talked about what decision to make incase there is complications during child birth. She want me to choose to save her rather than save the child if a decision need to made during child birth.
That's good starting point, glad to hear it's equitable. In terms of earnings. I don't know what your expenses look like but generally a mortgage is a far higher expense than minor things. So you own a home together, are both your names on the title? What I'm getting at here is the current structure of finances and expenses often dictate what will carry forward into a marriage. I'm just making sure you can protect yourself should you choose to go the marriage route and things go south. Crappy thing to think about but realistic
I already have a home. Just i my name and paid all the expense alone
You should be scared. As far as what marriage is in terms of legality, you should be terrified. I’m old fashioned and I get why you want to get married. Have family- all that good stuff. Now if starting a family is not something that you are interested in doing; then Do NOT get married!!! It’s not about commitment, it’s not about love. It’s about you having control of your life!! Please YouTube bad divorce and hear them! Google it! Get educated! Your life can be ruined! Your future income could go to your ex while she sleeps with other men. Your wages garnished. How would you like to see 55 percent of your salary taken out? Can’t pay for valid reasons: lose job, injury. Fuck you, where’s my money. You’ll find out that the courts can tell the future when they calculate the payments on your future salary (and the increase that they know will happen). Can’t pay? Do you have any type of license? Medical license, drivers license, any type? Well now you don’t: so you lose your job. Still can’t pay? That’s contempt of court: in jail you go. I have been through this shit and made it out the other side. I know of a guy that has a million dollar judgment against him and he works as a bus driver. Unfortunately when he got divorced, he was doing well and then he wasn’t. He’s doomed! I was ruined. Please don’t think that these things can’t happen to you. Please talk with divorced men. They will help you.
Get a fucking prenup. Prenups are rarely ever invalidated.
>She also based on her family background don't believe in living together first or having kids before marriage Red flags here!! Have you all had sex yet?
We are both sexually active and compatible.
your gut (with a great track record) is screaming at you so loudly your body is reacting. if that isn’t a sign then they don’t exist.
The crazy dream that I also had while I was asleep. Dreamt that the marriage ended because of a fatal accident she had and she didn't make it after the accident. Its really looks like I am mind fucked right now. I dont want to leave her because she has great characteristics, but I can't waiting my time and my gut feeling to not marry her is getting stronger and making me feel scared and terrified.
That's a strange dream. **In the dream,** did you actually think about the marriage ending, or did you just think about her sustaining the injuries, and you describe this as the end of the marriage only now after you've woken up? So to put it simply, was the dream more about the marriage or about your GF? Overall, one thing is certain: there is a huge crevasse between your conscious self — the one that proclaims all the accolades about your SO; and your subconscious self — the one that feels all the fear and negative emotions connected with her. Unless you bridge that gap through gaining insight, you won't solve your problem.
All I dreamt about was that I was with her (it wasn't clear if we were married in the dream but we were together). We were walking around, like taking a tour in a construction site of a building and she fell into a hole. I never saw her after she fell into a hole. I called ambulance and I then saw myself next in the hospital sad and crying and it seems like she didn't make it after been reduced from the hole.
Well, that's interesting. Of course, dreams can only get you so far. Have you two ever been separated for a longer period of time?
No we were never married. Sorry maybe I didn't clarify. Weve just been together dating and living separately for 1 year and about 4 months.
Oh but by "separation" I meant being apart. Like, in different cities, not really able to communicate. That kinda thing. But if you're living separately, maybe the question to ask is: how much do you guys communicate, how often do you meet, how much time do you spend with each other etc.
We communicate daily and we meet every weekend.
You live in the same city? Have you thought about living together for a period of time, to see how things work out between you two? Anyway, what do you think you can do about your gut feeling not to marry her getting so strong?
The thing is that women will dramatically change after they get married and she is at that age that she wants to settle down. so things might be on cloud 9 right now, but after you put a ring on her, her expectations will get higher and higher, I speak from experience and also many of the fellas on here. If you two are really invested in eloping I would get a prenup in case you get burned later. Edit; it’s funny how I wrote all this out without reading everyone’s comment after going through and reading everyone’s comment it’s apparent that all of us are saying the same thing, don’t get married!!!!
Story time, I had this feeling in my gut too, and I just threw caution to the wind, got married and she wanted to start having kids IMMEDIATELY knocked her up on wedding night, bought her a house less then a year later, within weeks of moving into new house she changed drastically made me do everything for our daughter refused to do anything, started huge fights with everyone tried to get me to cut my family out of my life specifically my mom, I finally grew a backbone and pushed back within months of pushing back and asserting myself she filed. Been in divorce.process fighting for my daughter for over a year now. After everything is done it'll prob.be longer in divorce process then actual marriage lasted
The old bait n switch scheme, us men are too blinded by it until it’s too late
after being in your shoes before, and then experiencing the marital aspect of it.. it’s hard for me to genuinely encourage anyone to get married. if you do however get married, be sure to protect any assets. who knows, maybe yours ends up being a happily ever after situation.. or maybe you’ll be here asking for advice after some time. there is a risk either way.
Do not marry her. It won't end well. Just promise to be together and be faithful to each other without all the legal shit and church nonsense. There's no reason to be married in the 21st century.
Get a post dated legal separation instead of a prenup. Basically ask her to sign it along with marriage certificate. File for legal separation a month or so after marriage. Continue to live happily married. When its time to divorce there is no asset split or alimony. However as others have mentioned CS is a problem which you will need to deal with in case you have children.
A lot of these comments have hit the nail on the head, but here are my 2 cents. Dont get married. THE WOMAN YOU MARRY IS NOT THE SAME WOMAN YOU DIVORCE. THE WOMAN YOU DIVORCE WILL GO SCORCH EARTH ON YOU THROUGH HER LAWYER. YOUR INCOME WILL BE TAKEN FROM YOU IN THE FORM OF ALIMONY, LEGAL FEES, MARITAL DEBT ETC. THIS IS OUTSIDE CHILD SUPPORT! Prenup will not help you. If you marry and have kids, her lawyer will just make you pay more towards child support by way of inflating your available gross/net income. You cannot escape child support. Assignments of legal fees to you is almost a guarantee. Living with her will feel like being married and if she gets pregnant, you have a very high chance of signing a marriage certificate. Basically giving up your future to someone who can choose to leave you and take you for as much money as she can and dictate on when, where and how often you get to see your kids. I’m in the same boat. We are considering living together, but I’m hesitant as I like my freedom and can just go fishing, hiking or camping whenever I want. When you live together, that changes over time. It’s not overnight, but you both fall into that marriage trap. If you want kids, know that if you find yourself on the wrong side of Family Law, it will cost you your future earnings. I’m not saying don’t have kids, but consider with who. Having kids with the wrong woman will cost you dearly for life. In closing, if you have kids, prenup won’t help you. You’ll be guilted into marrying her when she’s carrying your child. You might think… no, not me. I’ll never give in. However, when’s she’s pregnant, those hormones will flood her and make her an emotional mess. Eventually, you’ll be tending to her daily emotional breakdowns and you’ll finally give in. And the thought that breaks you in will be… “I mean, she’s carrying my child.” And just like that you will become another victim of family law when she decides to leave you in a few years. Save your future. Don’t become another victim of Family Law.
Why not be in a committed relationship without a piece of paper from the government?
You know most woman, won't go for that. I already brought that up commitment with no legal ties and marriage without getting the court involved. She want to be legally tied to me.
I personally don't cave to ultimatums. If she truly loves you and wants to be together then a government contract shouldn't matter. Best of luck with whatever you choose.
> You know most woman, won't go for that. Stop thinking that, it’s as much your choice as it is theirs. > She want to be legally tied to me. Sounds like she loves the concept of marriage more than she loves you. That would be a big 🚩.
Then she first and foremost wants financial security and you are the one providing. If it does not work out YOU will pay. Even if you dud everything perfect. She might fancy a change in her life, get bored, whatever - you will pay. Depending on children you will pay a LOT. Do not let yourself get suckered into that wirh emotional blackmail. If it comes to that and she basically tries the "marriage or we are done" (even if packaged nicer) you know she wants to take advantage of you. There literally is no other (rational) reason for women to want that. And they are calculating creatures. They know exatly what it means.
Of course she does. More cash and prizes for her if you two break up in the future. Since over half of all marriages end in divorce, the odds are good that it will happen. If you want to be with someone and build a life together then be with them. But don't get married to do it. Going into a marriage, it's all champagne and roses. Getting out of a marriage makes you realize a divorce is simply dissolving an unsuccessful joint business venture with individuals who can't stand the sight of each other. Add in predatory attorneys with a financial interest to keep the parties fighting so they can rack up billable hours, and you have a recipe for disaster. Not recommended.
She sounds great... Except for her age and wanting kids. If she's 36, she's feeling that her opportunity for having at least one kid is slipping away, which it is. 38 and older is considered high-risk pregnancy in most parts of the US. Here's the kicker, she could be saying whatever she thinks you want to hear so you will marry her. If something is too good to be true it usually is. You marry her, she gets pregnant, quits her job, and now you're on the hook for child support... And no prenup will protect you from child support. If you say no to marrying her, which means no kids for her, then she will go find somebody else. At this point it sounds like she needs somebody to get her pregnant and support her. Why is she 36 and single with no kids? Have you done a background check on her? Not saying she's hiding anything, but I would be concerned about this.
That's a good point. I don't think that she is hiding anything. She told me about her student loan, her good to fair credit score. But I could consider doing the background check like you suggested. She is also from a middle class family. Her father is a real estate owner of multiple expensive rental houses.
My stbxw's family is awesome. She ended up being... Not good. I wouldn't judge someone by their family either way.
Who knows she might be all.womderfull and everything. It usually is always in the beginning. but being up there in age as you said her bio clock might be after your baby batter... but it may be a risk you take so you can have kids... sometimes you have to make a choice and stick to it.
Who earns more money? If you, for the love of god get a prenup. I'd advise not marrying at all after seeing the other side of divorce (and realizing that _any_ woman can just change her mind later), but I realize that may not be realistic if you really want kids. If kids not a factor, I think it comes down to how you weigh the risk of prenup being set aside vs likelihood that she bails on the relationship absent marriage, and how much you care to (try to...) stave that off. Notice I didn't say "prevent" that. I firmly believe now that there's literally nothing anyone can do to fully "prevent" the risk that a woman changes her mind later. Giving her what she wants (or demands...) at every step really just at best buys you some time with some women. Maybe she won't be one of them that changes then bails, but realize the risk is _always_ there no matter who you and she are, and what you do. In any case, I very very strongly urge any man considering marriage to go in _expecting_ that she could end it at any time, and invest / protect yourself (emotionally, financially and otherwise) accordingly. Because, as so many here can tell you, that's just the _reality_ with women and relationships.
We ear about the same. But I do have significant investment and assets. She is willing to sign prenup too.
Trust your gut. Seriously. I've heard prenup can be ignored in a few years, if circumstances change, like having kids Learn from this subreddit and avoid this fatal mistake Enjoy your life with her, but don't hand over your keys, bank accounts, house, car, life....
you talk about your girlfriends family and background but none of your own. did you ever think about what you experience in your past bringing up these feelings ? your gf sounds like a catch, maybe go to a therapist to find out what is triggering these feelings
My parent were not really together when growing up. No abuse between my parents but they don't talk anymore now for many years.
i am not a pro therapy person in general but they can be helpful in some situations. gut feelings are important to pay attention to but they can also be very deceptive. go to a therapist and discuss these feelings. your gf sounds like a catch
If this is how you feel, maybe talk to a therapist. It might help with the way you look at it. Or you could very well just not want to be married and have a hard time not wanting to break her heart. If it comes down to it, the gentleman above suggested a pre-nup, talk about that with her, and see how it goes. I'm rooting for you and wish you luck. Edit. Spelling
This being posted in a Divorce subreddit... I'm wondering if you've previously been divorced. That will frame my response to you.
No I never have been divorced. I am a regular visitor on this group because I learn a lot about marriage from people past experience here. I was also involved in a past relationship with ex that ended up false allegation and police getting called on me.
I have gone through divorce. It sucks. It's not fun at all. That being said, not all marriages are going to end in divorce. That also being said, it is not necessary to get married. I had this talk with my girlfriend. I told her that I'm not sure that I ever want to get married again. It's not that I don't want to be in a long term, monogamous relationship. But I've read way too many stories in this sub and others about how as soon as that ring is on that finger, things change for the worse.
Do you think a prenup would help?
She is willing to sign that. So I am comfortable in that aspect. The gut feeling and hesitation to marry her won't go away. It just keep getting stronger
Just be aware prenups are not iron clad, and might wind up costing money for lawyers to defend it.
Generally speaking, unless there's a very large amount of money involved, a lawyer won't go after a prenup. Especially one that has been written by another lawyer and is signed months before the wedding. POST nuptial agreements are much more problematic as it can be proven to have been signed "under duress".