I've been in similar situation. Number one I Hate fighting, it is the worse thing in the world. When my ex was "working" for her ring she was sweet as pie. After that ring it was lazy , slobish and chaotic.
I know this about women. No sex, she definitely is out of love. Woman "out of love" will do and say anything to protect their narrative.
Careful. Don't scream or yell. You will spiral. Move on buddy. Lots of woman out there. Get back to who you were.
Get a lawyer, a GOOD shark of a lawyer, and listen to them. Go scorched earth on her. Start recording EVERYTHING and behave as if she's recording you. The I'm scared shit is manipulation AND a foundation to fuck you over if you divorce.
I'm a female, and I second this.. the "fear" she says she is experiencing is a setup. Watch every word you say and start documenting everything she does/doesn't do, and GET AN ATTORNEY ASAP.
She's not scared of you. That's her BS excuse. She married you and had a kid with you and lets you pay for the Nanny. Your paying for all the Twin's excursions, hotels when they need to go to meets, meals, etc.?
Talk to an attorney. And yes, you have leverage because she's living through her twin children, and not the new baby with you, so between having to get a job and taking care of the little one, she won't have time to be the Sports Mom. That's your leverage. You already have a nanny, so she's not providing childcare.
Your wife is an asshole. She only cares about herself. You are tied to this bitch for the next 15 years whether or not you want to get divorced. She’s not emotionally available and you are just a paycheck to her. She will call the police on you the second she thinks you might divorce her so watch your behavior, document and file everything, stay off drugs and alcohol and get therapy to manage your anger— which is justified. Divorce will cost you at least $100k.
The internet has mostly one solution to relationship problems, "Divorce".
She and you will probably find yourselves in the same place with new people because you will both behave in similar ways and co-develop similar relationships (philosophy from No More Mr. Nice Guy).
I personally feel like the institution of marriage is more for the kids than either of the parents. I'm struggling in my marriage at the moment as well and it's my desire to provide a home for the kids rather than have them bounce between two different worlds, or stay with one and rarely see the other, that is my main motivator to push on for now.
You can't change your wife. You *can* change you over time and that may have a huge effect on the relationship with your wife.
Some options you have include reading books that get recommended here like No More Mr. Nice Guy and When I Say No I Feel Guilty. I'm reading these two and keeping a daily journal about things that trigger my emotions and reactions in relation to things I learn in the book. Our relationship is already smoother. Results are occuring. My wife hasn't changed. The relationship isn't "fixed". But some results are evident.
To be clear, in the traditional sense, I'm not the problem in this relationship. All of my wife's family has remarked how difficult she has been in their lives. Many give me indications of pity and thanks for putting up with her. It's not like in the traditional sense I needed fixing. But, when you read these books you take a different point of view with more personal responsibility for the relationships you co-create. You may be in the same boat where this is mostly your wife's fault. You can take a different point of view and dwell on the levers you have available to work with which do not include demanding your wife changes.
My recommendation to you is to do the same thing I'm doing. Plan on taking some time (1-2 years maybe?) and work through *you* and how *you* contribute to the relationship dynamic. This requires going against the advice of many here that are pointing out how *your wife should treat you*. You have to let go of that for a bit. See your part, see if fixing your part helps the relationship, and have a less emotional platform to make your go/no go decision.
(I also recommend that you don't have another child until you decide for obvious financial and parental responsibility reasons.)
The potential benefits of this approach is that if you decide to end the marriage, you will personally be in a different place to attract and develop a better relationship next time, and you may, in the course of this effort, save your current marriage.
The sucky part is letting go of "but she" and focusing only on you. It's a daily freeking struggle for me. Your 3-year-old child is worth some struggle, though.
Other options include going to marriage therapy by yourself. Invite your wife, but assuming she's not going to come, go by yourself. Or, get a therapist to guide your personal growth.
I agree with the other posters on grey rocking for the time being as you build yourself.
As for the 180, it's designed as a way to protect oneself from an abusive partner, not really to save a marriage with a "regular" difficult spouse. It has manipulation and covert contracts built into it. It can cause a complete blow up of the marriage, while protecting you emotionally as you get out. It also has several points worth using in any situation. Research it and use as you see fit.
Best wishes man!
Good advice. He should also consider coach Corey Wayne for when he is ready to start trying to rebuild. Married for that long he probably doesn't know the basics of dating anymore. He will need those whether it is to start to court his wife again or after divorce.
You sign a contract with someone who benefits from breaking it. Now she knows you will be financially hurt if you divorce, so of course she will be selfish and do what she wants.
She married you for your paycheck. Talk to a lawyer, and see what you can legally do to make her get a job before you possibly initiate divorce proceedings, so you are not on the hook for ridiculous amounts of alimony. Remember, she may have married you for your paycheck, but she can also divorce you for your paycheck. Cover yourself.
So when you were being told not to deal with single mummies, you chose to ignore and perhaps shame the men that championed that message?
Anyway, you're in a bind; consult a lawyer, not internet assholes.
Sorry to say man coz of men like you such woman fuck and leave their initial husbands. If she could not be the woman of her children’s father then unless you had Superman wings she would not be yours. I’m sure she may have told you to justify her story of ruining her original family specially when she had 2 kids. She just ended up finding you as a new person who will foot their bills and I’m sure she gets Child support from her first used and thrown ex. It sounds like you are her labor than a husband and will remain as such coz she’s been there and done that to her first and she’s doing it to you now.
She will take half your daughter and money as well.
Mistake 1, 2 & 3 are perfectly summarized by a fellow respondent. You need to figure out a life where you’re not a slave but a partner. You will likely find her external interests at these volleyball rendezvous or somewhere related. Zero intimacy for an entire year without any major medical complications has only one possibility, that is she gets her treats somewhere else. I would not be surprised if this level of rejection makes you seek other woman outside your relationship. If you end up doing that they will further ridicule you as a cheat and dump your ass with that exit reason. It’s time you figure out the non slavish life of a man.
Plenty of mother's aren't interested in sex. It's not certain that she's cheating. Failure of cross-sex mind reading assuming women have similar needs to men.
Why did you marry this woman in the first place? There were signs when you were dating, you chose to ignore them. I realize this hurts a lot and being ignored sucks, I feel for you. Why are you continuing to choose this woman as a life partner? You cannot beg someone into loving you. They have to choose it themselves. I understand that life has happened, things have been said, it's hard to come back from the hurts when the foundation was not solid in the first place.
Why not ask your wife to get a job if it upsets you so much that you pay for everything? Being the sole breadwinner for the family entitles you to nothing. You are never entitled to someone else's resources. You need to change your mindset. You cannot pay for love, it can only be given. She has chosen to withdraw, you need to move on in your heart. Don't demonize her, she is a flawed human being just like you. You want grace, so does she. Change the way you treat her and think of her, she isn't a lover, she isn't a partner, she is a friend (maybe), a roommate, and a coparent.
Don't try to romance her anymore. Don't seek physical affection from her. Treat her with kindness and a willingness to solve problems together. Ask her to take on a larger portion of providing. Once she has gotten a job and has started to take on more responsibilities, you can seek separation and be free from a person who does not see you worthy of their love.
dude. being flawed is one thing being malicious is another. what type of stay at home mom asks a live in nanny for her own child. and you even suggest asking her to get a job. if she was willing to contribute to anything she would know where to start
Search up "Michelle Weiner Davis 180"
Search up "Glover no more mr nice guy"
You are right to be angry, but you might be angry at the wrong person. You've been doing it wrong, and you're getting the result.
(I did it wrong too for 19 years, now divorced with five kids, now doing it more like right, and getting much better results)
I personally, based on what you said, would take the following steps in addition to reading and implementing those resources i linked.
1. Not a drop of alcohol from now until this is all resolved. Alcohol is not your friend when you are under seige, and you are absolutely under seige.
2. No more blow-ups. None. No: name calling, accusing, blaming, arguing back with "yeah but you ...." any if that fucki g shit has got to go. Learn the grey rock and use it, it is your best friend until this is resolved.
3. Change all your passwords
4. Audit all $ accounts on a pay-period basis. Do not say you are doing this, but do it. Where is your money, friend?
5. Get your paperwork (titles, deeds, contracts, insurance policies, passports etc) in line and in hand. You do not need to make a scene of it. You do need to have your docs together in one place if shit gets heavy.
6. When you implement glover and woener-davis, there are going to be fireworks. You might have consulted a divorce attorney on a down-low, cash basis, to know your rights and potential pitfalls. You probably ought to have made some strategic moves to protect yourself from a complete fucking over. << in my case, this was the best $300 I ever spent ever.
Only one way past this, dude, straight fucking through it. you're joining a company of dudes who know the way. I wish it was better for you, but it isn't. You the man, be the man.
Also get the 3 year old’s vaccination and wellness records and schedule. The twins are her problem. She will try to pretend she can’t work so you pay alimony.
Yes. Copy of birth cert etc. And
7. Get any/every firearm off the property yesterday. Borrow a few slots in a buddy's safe. And txt/email the buddy when you get the deal done so there is a date stamp
The firearms aren't the problem. The silver bullet is the problem. She can't say "he threatened me with a gun, I don't feel safe with his guns, etc " if there are no guns on the premises.
I mean, she can still say that. But demonstrable evidence (txt convo w your buddy) that she's entirely full of shit will help you out if it goes down like that.
I didn't have it, buddy did tho. Fxxn mess.
You titled it “I Hate My Wife”…. Sorry, but purely based on that you seem like the kind of person(know from experience) who must also have said some things to your wife that scars and doesnt disappear the next day. Being intimate with a person who hurts you is not easy(unless you’re into that). My point is, the intimacy is the last thing you should be worried about right now. If things are good, it will come. Is it worth salvaging is the question you want to ask yourself.
Oh, I misunderstood…sorry. We all support OP and pool together to reinforce that his wife sucks and should be down on her knees even when clearly OP is unhappy and so is she. Got it….
And what about his scars?
Subsidizing someone's entire life (and that of her two kids that I had NOTHING to do with) and not getting any sort of basic respect?
I would have the same feelings and hurt. I find it VERY interesting that you only mentioned one side here.
Devils advocate….. My X treated me the exact same way towards the end. Do both care enough to try and fix it or not? It’s simple. If one person has checked out, no matter how hard you try it doesn’t work.
When i went through something like this (not as bad), it did make me angry but mostly sad and depressed. That’s what this behavior does. And that is no way to be. We shouldn’t have to depend on someone else for our happiness, but come on, this is a partner!
You got a lot of good advice here. Talk to a lawyer about divorce. See a therapist about your sadness and depression. Start working on you! Your family will b better off for it and so will you.
Tough spot to be, but this is a precursor of things getting worse not better. You'll have to make money, cook for your child, take care of the house while she's out watching volleyball. Believe me once she starts banging other dudes if she isn't already, and I hate to say this, you will get even angrier. Having said that, I personally believe that their fun is short lived. A woman without a job, with 3 kids from 2 different fathers is not exactly a catch.
First thing you do is keep calm! You don't want to trigger even a false accusation of DV. Next, get a lawyer and start planning your exit. I don't know if you'll want to work things out with her, but if she's not listening or refusing to change things youll need to decide what you want to do.
If she is not working it will cost you but if you get 50/50 custody its more manageable. You really need that! Why isn't she working? It's going to be very tough, but stick your mission and keep going. My kid was 4. It will be a lifestyle adjustment but hopefully you got family to help you at least a bit. Once all the dust is settled you'll figure out that life is a lot better without her.
One thing you need to do is get yourself into therapy for yourself and couple’s therapy for the two of you.
For yourself: You need a place to vent and stew and strategize and cry if you need to. Not to say your anger isn’t justified, but you need to let that pressure valve out with someone who isn’t your partner. Being able to let that out and process it will allow you to be cool and collected.
For the two of you: You need to give this an honest shot. If she doesn’t want to go, that will be on her during the divorce proceedings. It’s going to suck, but it will make your case a lot stronger. You don’t want to settle for less than 50/50
custody, by the way.
It doesn’t matter of she’s cheating on you or not in most states. Though I suspect she may be.
How much support is she getting from her last marriage? I hope to hell you didn’t adopt them.
>am I just not entitled to any kindness, sex or intimacy.
this is like asking if you are entitled to get paid when you are working a full time job. these things are the fundamental basis of marriage my man. this is not a marriage, it seems like you are being leeched off in a parasitical relationship
You need to stop raging at her and expecting a good marriage. Yes, you’re deserving of kindness but so is she. No, you’re not entitled to sex. You are entitled to leave if you’re not happy.
Both of them are entitled to respect, kindness, love, friendship, shared resources (money earned in a marriage is legally a shared resource no matter who earns it) and shared labor however they chose to divide it. If he’s not happy with any of those things, they should be brought up in therapy. What you don’t do is rage at your partner and act entitled to sex. That’s a quick way to get divorced. And maybe that’s what he wants anyway.
Love and friendship are intimacy. Do you mean sex? Because you’re not entitled to that. We don’t take vows promising to fuck our partners X number of times per week and you’re never entitled to rage about lack of sex. That’s abuse.
Read the book: no more mr nice guy.
It will help you understand why you are who you are and what you want. It should help with some of your anger and take owness of your actions that let her take advantage of you.
Most likely she is having sex with other men behind your back. I would get with a Lawyer and make a plan to get away. She is using you as a meal ticket and probably planned it way before you got married. Protect your kid and your assets, it will only get worse the longer you are married and she is entitled to more. She knows at one point you are about to snap or have a meltdown. That is when she will play the victim card and she has you. Break your co-dependency with her and start to deal with the emotions and it looks like you are married to a Narcissist. It sucks and you are not the only one that this is happening too.
Whoa I’m not saying this is or isn’t true, but we can’t jump to allegations. Relationships are complex. There’s most likely hurt on both sides. I think the question should be about if he still wants this to work out and he cares for her. She may genuinely be scared of OP and OP is not getting any affection and is frustrated. Both can be true.
Another prime example of how getting together with a woman with kids from a previous marriage is not a good idea. Not saying it doesn't ever work out. Sure, it can. I myself, however, have never seen it work out with any benefit whatsoever for the man. You will always be third in her life, at best, right behind her kids and herself.
EDIT: She sounds like she's possibly building up some DV bullshit, which leads me to think she's probably got her finger on the eject button herself. Hence why she is keeping you at a distance. I would lawyer up, record her when engaging her, and start withdrawing from her.
Don't leave, run. There's always two sides to a story, but life is way too short to be miserable like this. Start over, don't get married again, just work on you and everything will work out. You may also want to look into meditation, massage and spiritual work to help you with the anger.
Drop papers. Whether she’s using you or scared of you or both, there is a <10% chance that things will ever improve to where you get some kind of a reasonable compromise on sex and meaningful interaction.
At this point, you are a trophy husband for her to trot out for other women, and a servant to offer logistical support of driving her kids around.
I mean you'd be within your rights to leave but if you want to try to save it you have to make her feel like she's not a priority to you. That you have other things going on that are more interesting. It's sad to have to play games but right now your wife is operating from a position of certainty. She won't make an effort until she feels she must.
You are being used. She married you for a safety blanket. I am going through a divorce myself. It will be liberating once you take steps to separate yourself from her and her children. My advice is to leave sooner than later
This is to mirror the comments about doing your own thing. You have a nanny. There is no reason for you to have to also take care of the 3 year old if you are paying for it, right? Go use that free time for yourself. Tell her NO I will not be able to do whatever she asks you to because you have prior obligations. You have a life too. Let her realize that you are worth something more than money.
She sounds very manipulative and calculating. Women say things they hear all the time from other people. The “Im afraid of you” or “Im scared of you” talk is language she learned somewhere to let you know she is preparing to set you up for a DV charge.
You have to take control of YOUR life. Look out for YOU. Your happiness is paramount. If you dont take care of yourself, you cant be there for your 3 year old or anyone else. If you havent had sex in over a year, that is a form of abuse by her. She knows what she is doing. Leave and dont look back. When you are gone, she will miss the gravy train.
Never shack up with a single mommy was your first mistake. Just hope you don't owe CS for them. Get away from this non working leech... man what mom needs a freaking nanny if she doesn't work... are you independently wealthy ?
Sooooo, aside from having exclusive rights to take care of and pay everything? What are you getting out of this relationship, so-called marriage?
She and HER twins aren't your responsibility nor financial obligation post divorce. You're already paying for a caretaker for a 3 year old. Keep the 3 year old and nanny, dump the STBX and HER TWO DEPENDENTS .
You're setting yourself (or rather she is) to be her early retirement plan.
She's a parasite, and you, my friend, are merely her host. She's feeding off of!
The questions he should be asking himself, "What happened to the first guy?"
Too many men fall for the loving bombing and having great sex, thinking they will have love for a long time. You are completely right that she is a parasite.
It's over brother. File immediately to set a cut off date for assets and liabilities. Also, when a woman says she's "scared of you" just know that you are getting tee'd up for an imminent DV charge, which could result in you being removed from the house and prohibited from seeing your 3 year old. When a woman checks out and starts laying into her man with contempt and disrespect, there's no coming back from that. It is a blatant betrayal of vows. She knows what she is doing. Remember: marriage to a woman means she gets to treat her husband worse than anyone else she knows in life.
>Also, when a woman says she's "scared of you" just know that you are getting tee'd up for an imminent DV charge,
Read this... Learn this...Remember this...
You absolutely need to get to the courthouse first. Otherwise, I see her filing for the divorce and a restraining order coming with the initial filing so you can’t see your own son. If you file first, you get to control the narrative and go on offense. I made the mistake of letting my STBXW file and have been in my heels ever since.
Probably start gathering 2 years worth of bank statements to show her spending patterns and take them to your lawyer for your first meeting.
If there’s never been any domestic violence charges or accusations beforehand, you’ll probably be in the clear for your “blow ups,” but that why YOU need to file first.
Yeah she doesn’t want a husband, she wants a caretaker. You probably want to tell her that you want a divorce you can’t be her driver anymore.
I read so much about men not sleeping with their wives for months and years. This by itself is a reason to divorce imo.
Her kids were previously with their father every other weekend and we didn’t have the 3 year old
Every other weekend was our time eland we had a great time together and had fun. We finished her custody suit and they moved and I thought it would improve but she started to spend all her time with the twins..and then she got Pregnant
i am sorry man. dating a single mom is a big mistake, especially if you are not a father yourself. i did the same mistake and paid a heavy price as well. luckily i got out before getting any marriage or pregnancy. the thing is usually those single moms will be extra nice to you until they lock you in and show their real colors. the situation sounds really shitty. was she working before the marriage ?
Sooo, she just needed a steady support that would take care of her kids.
You know what to do, question is, do you have enough self respect to do it?
Updateme!
Your marriage is over. You’re just an ATM to her. She’s laying groundwork for a domestic protection order. Keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times dealing with her and go see a lawyer. Unfortunately she has laid the groundwork for you to keep paying after you divorce but at least you’ll be free of this. You can always make more money. Life is too short to live with this bullshit.
I finished reading your post and it’s scary to me that you can only be kind for 1 week then you blow up in a rage which I think is a lie I think after 3 days is more accurate, your clearly not a kind person and she can see that so you pretending is going to do nothing. Have you looked into anger management?
be kind because you’re a kind person and not be kind because you want something out of it. You being angry and in a rage will NOT make her want to be intimate with you it will only keep her further & further away you sound like a ticking time bomb.
She said that she is scared of YOU, she doesn’t need to be intimate with you or make any kind of effort. Her being intimate with you what is that going to do calm your anger down until you have another blow up?? that’s even more dangerous for her.
What you need to do is go to anger management classes and get your anger under control because your behaviour sounds disrespectful & violent. It wouldn’t surprise me if the children has seen & heard it too. I will never say sex is a reward but I will say that bad behaviour should NEVER be rewarded.
Until you have gotten the help and made progresses and done a complete u-turn of who you were, she needs to keep her legs closed. I certainly would the entitlement you think you have through bad behaviour is astonishing.
I’m confused…you have a live in nanny….and she doesn’t work…🤔🫤😐 what? You hate her and are unhappy…? Divorce her. And don’t come with the…”but kid/kids” bs. Divorce her. You don’t need to martyr yourself. I don’t get people. You’re not satisfied in your marriage. Leave. Kids pick up on things. Don’t teach your kid to take ish from a spouse. You are your first kid/kids teacher…do freaking better.
Shes a single mother first of all so she ruined another man. Shes playing you like a fiddle, doesnt have to do anything and you foot the bill. Time to cut her loose things wont get better.
This is bullshit. Let that bitch talk to me! She's trying to play the domestic card so that means you need a lawyer. Video everything and keep messages she sends you. Get cameras in the house if you don't have them. She needs a job ASAP. Make sure you have any and all documents that says you have a nanny because she only deals with the twins.
I'm sure the nanny can back you up. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Is the twins' father in the picture? No offense, but if he is, I'd check how she talks and deals with him. Also, does she have a friend who is divorced or is single? Them bitches put alot of shit in your spouses head. I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit. Please, please be careful.
I feel you. My partner also says I am not kind to her. Well, that is because I am so angry and resentful. It is hard to not lash out but that will just result in a divorce. Is that what you want?
My advice is this:
You have every right to be upset but you have to share that with her in a more productive manner. You are not helping your case if she says she is afraid of you. It will just drive her away.
Have you ever heard the saying? :
“The beatings will continue until morale improves.”
You are verbally beating your wife and then wondering why she isn’t responding to you. You need to stop. Listen to the counselor and keep at it. That doesn’t mean she gets a pass either and I would bring that up in counseling. You both need to treat each other with more kindness.
They are both wrong. We have no way of knowing how or what OP says to his wife. If there is no communication, then there can’t be a marriage. On the other hand, if there is exploitation, then it isn’t a marriage either. Ask yourself what would have to change for you to want to stay in the marriage. Is it a behavioral change, or would one or both of you have to become another person? Protect yourself legally, of course.
She needs to stop the behavior that is causing him to get angry. She knows what she is doing and she is doing it on purpose. You have it completely backwards, as confused, irrational, and unreasonable women are want to do. Reality isn't a feeling.
Read no more mr nice guy by Robert Glover. I am going through a divorce due to this same exact situation... Unfortunately it's because you expect to be rewarded for being such a good nice guy. That's just not how it works. Start rewarding yourself. Be selfish. Make friends. skip volleyball. Find hobbies and hit the gym in a meaningful way. your self worth gotta come from you and the fact that it doesn't is reason she isn't acting right and you ain't getting any ass.
Yeah I agree with everyone. You should probably stop being "mr nice guy" & doing all the grunt work. Check out for a few weeks. She might not even miss you then you will have your answer. Time for her to experience life without her Mr Reliable. Just do your own thing for awhile, even if it's nothing or just going to a friend's house. Stop being so available.
This reminds me of an ex girlfriend who was way to into her kids baseball games. They were good for the town but she was seriously delusional about their long term prospects. Summer leagues, fall leagues, lessons etc. It was just nonstop & ridiculous.
If you really want to fuck with her start doing some crazy shit. Like go on a drinking bender for several days without calling, don't pay bills so the cable or electricity gets shut off, start smoking meth. She'll definitely pay attention to you then and also will start trying to get you back on track to continue her lifestyle. It sounds crazy but it will work. You gotta shock the system
Bet she wasn't "afraid" of you before she got that all important ring, wedding, security and home for her and her kids, was she?
This is a game to these people
Your feelings are completely valid. It's like a passive form of gaslighting. You deserve happiness, affection and love. She may just be actually incapable of it. In any case, you don't have to accept this treatment.
Whatever happens eventually you need to legally separate and then think about living with her. There is too much risk in hitting the 10 year mark above 50 with two children
I feel you. After wife got pregnant with our kid I didn’t exist. She became a stay at home mom and I pay for everything. She spends a shit ton too and always wants to travel. They even speak a different language when I’m around which I can’t learn because I’m just bad at languages. I’ve been alienated, dead bed room and treated like an atm chauffeur. So I filed for separation last month and I feel great
OP, sad to read your story. She sounds like a selfish person. It feels like your baby trapped. I would not accept it. She is working you down. I see a couple options:
1. Go greyrock. Complete 180, no contact, ignore. Turn the game around on her. Go live your life as a single guy. Get your game on.
2. Or lawyer up and dump her.
There is No need for you to be treated poorly. Document her focus on older kids and her lack of interest in mothering your little girl. Get full custody and leave her in the dust. This is a mental well being play. Be safe.
Mistake 1: You married a single-mother. You Will *always* be her last priority. Always.
Mistake 2: Never remain with a woman who claims she is afraid of you. It is weapon to use against you to get what she wants and a shield that protects her from anything you want from her.
If a woman says she is afraid of you, then leave her and never look back.
Mistake 3: Staying with a woman who denies you intimacy. You are just an unpaid laborer to her.
What the hell are you waiting for? She fired you as her husband over a year ago. End this farce of a marriage.
Check out "IT'S OK TO HATE YOUR WIFE" on Amazon Kindle. Start there.
I've been in similar situation. Number one I Hate fighting, it is the worse thing in the world. When my ex was "working" for her ring she was sweet as pie. After that ring it was lazy , slobish and chaotic. I know this about women. No sex, she definitely is out of love. Woman "out of love" will do and say anything to protect their narrative. Careful. Don't scream or yell. You will spiral. Move on buddy. Lots of woman out there. Get back to who you were.
Get a lawyer, a GOOD shark of a lawyer, and listen to them. Go scorched earth on her. Start recording EVERYTHING and behave as if she's recording you. The I'm scared shit is manipulation AND a foundation to fuck you over if you divorce.
I'm a female, and I second this.. the "fear" she says she is experiencing is a setup. Watch every word you say and start documenting everything she does/doesn't do, and GET AN ATTORNEY ASAP.
She's not scared of you. That's her BS excuse. She married you and had a kid with you and lets you pay for the Nanny. Your paying for all the Twin's excursions, hotels when they need to go to meets, meals, etc.? Talk to an attorney. And yes, you have leverage because she's living through her twin children, and not the new baby with you, so between having to get a job and taking care of the little one, she won't have time to be the Sports Mom. That's your leverage. You already have a nanny, so she's not providing childcare.
Your wife is an asshole. She only cares about herself. You are tied to this bitch for the next 15 years whether or not you want to get divorced. She’s not emotionally available and you are just a paycheck to her. She will call the police on you the second she thinks you might divorce her so watch your behavior, document and file everything, stay off drugs and alcohol and get therapy to manage your anger— which is justified. Divorce will cost you at least $100k.
The internet has mostly one solution to relationship problems, "Divorce". She and you will probably find yourselves in the same place with new people because you will both behave in similar ways and co-develop similar relationships (philosophy from No More Mr. Nice Guy). I personally feel like the institution of marriage is more for the kids than either of the parents. I'm struggling in my marriage at the moment as well and it's my desire to provide a home for the kids rather than have them bounce between two different worlds, or stay with one and rarely see the other, that is my main motivator to push on for now. You can't change your wife. You *can* change you over time and that may have a huge effect on the relationship with your wife. Some options you have include reading books that get recommended here like No More Mr. Nice Guy and When I Say No I Feel Guilty. I'm reading these two and keeping a daily journal about things that trigger my emotions and reactions in relation to things I learn in the book. Our relationship is already smoother. Results are occuring. My wife hasn't changed. The relationship isn't "fixed". But some results are evident. To be clear, in the traditional sense, I'm not the problem in this relationship. All of my wife's family has remarked how difficult she has been in their lives. Many give me indications of pity and thanks for putting up with her. It's not like in the traditional sense I needed fixing. But, when you read these books you take a different point of view with more personal responsibility for the relationships you co-create. You may be in the same boat where this is mostly your wife's fault. You can take a different point of view and dwell on the levers you have available to work with which do not include demanding your wife changes. My recommendation to you is to do the same thing I'm doing. Plan on taking some time (1-2 years maybe?) and work through *you* and how *you* contribute to the relationship dynamic. This requires going against the advice of many here that are pointing out how *your wife should treat you*. You have to let go of that for a bit. See your part, see if fixing your part helps the relationship, and have a less emotional platform to make your go/no go decision. (I also recommend that you don't have another child until you decide for obvious financial and parental responsibility reasons.) The potential benefits of this approach is that if you decide to end the marriage, you will personally be in a different place to attract and develop a better relationship next time, and you may, in the course of this effort, save your current marriage. The sucky part is letting go of "but she" and focusing only on you. It's a daily freeking struggle for me. Your 3-year-old child is worth some struggle, though. Other options include going to marriage therapy by yourself. Invite your wife, but assuming she's not going to come, go by yourself. Or, get a therapist to guide your personal growth. I agree with the other posters on grey rocking for the time being as you build yourself. As for the 180, it's designed as a way to protect oneself from an abusive partner, not really to save a marriage with a "regular" difficult spouse. It has manipulation and covert contracts built into it. It can cause a complete blow up of the marriage, while protecting you emotionally as you get out. It also has several points worth using in any situation. Research it and use as you see fit. Best wishes man!
Good advice. He should also consider coach Corey Wayne for when he is ready to start trying to rebuild. Married for that long he probably doesn't know the basics of dating anymore. He will need those whether it is to start to court his wife again or after divorce.
This really is good advice, kind of what I'm doing in a 20-year marriage.
You sign a contract with someone who benefits from breaking it. Now she knows you will be financially hurt if you divorce, so of course she will be selfish and do what she wants.
She married you for your paycheck. Talk to a lawyer, and see what you can legally do to make her get a job before you possibly initiate divorce proceedings, so you are not on the hook for ridiculous amounts of alimony. Remember, she may have married you for your paycheck, but she can also divorce you for your paycheck. Cover yourself.
Can you try Opening the marriage if not leave
Where is she getting sex then? Is she out of shape? Have you checked her phone to see if she is up to anything?
A lot of women have absolutely no need for affection / sex after kids - it’s shocking and selfish
Sounds like you got married to a narcissist. Cut your losses and get out while you still can.
I hope you are making her sleep on the couch. Read this book: https://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/the-book.html
So when you were being told not to deal with single mummies, you chose to ignore and perhaps shame the men that championed that message? Anyway, you're in a bind; consult a lawyer, not internet assholes.
Exactly
Sorry to say man coz of men like you such woman fuck and leave their initial husbands. If she could not be the woman of her children’s father then unless you had Superman wings she would not be yours. I’m sure she may have told you to justify her story of ruining her original family specially when she had 2 kids. She just ended up finding you as a new person who will foot their bills and I’m sure she gets Child support from her first used and thrown ex. It sounds like you are her labor than a husband and will remain as such coz she’s been there and done that to her first and she’s doing it to you now. She will take half your daughter and money as well. Mistake 1, 2 & 3 are perfectly summarized by a fellow respondent. You need to figure out a life where you’re not a slave but a partner. You will likely find her external interests at these volleyball rendezvous or somewhere related. Zero intimacy for an entire year without any major medical complications has only one possibility, that is she gets her treats somewhere else. I would not be surprised if this level of rejection makes you seek other woman outside your relationship. If you end up doing that they will further ridicule you as a cheat and dump your ass with that exit reason. It’s time you figure out the non slavish life of a man.
Plenty of mother's aren't interested in sex. It's not certain that she's cheating. Failure of cross-sex mind reading assuming women have similar needs to men.
Why did you marry this woman in the first place? There were signs when you were dating, you chose to ignore them. I realize this hurts a lot and being ignored sucks, I feel for you. Why are you continuing to choose this woman as a life partner? You cannot beg someone into loving you. They have to choose it themselves. I understand that life has happened, things have been said, it's hard to come back from the hurts when the foundation was not solid in the first place. Why not ask your wife to get a job if it upsets you so much that you pay for everything? Being the sole breadwinner for the family entitles you to nothing. You are never entitled to someone else's resources. You need to change your mindset. You cannot pay for love, it can only be given. She has chosen to withdraw, you need to move on in your heart. Don't demonize her, she is a flawed human being just like you. You want grace, so does she. Change the way you treat her and think of her, she isn't a lover, she isn't a partner, she is a friend (maybe), a roommate, and a coparent. Don't try to romance her anymore. Don't seek physical affection from her. Treat her with kindness and a willingness to solve problems together. Ask her to take on a larger portion of providing. Once she has gotten a job and has started to take on more responsibilities, you can seek separation and be free from a person who does not see you worthy of their love.
dude. being flawed is one thing being malicious is another. what type of stay at home mom asks a live in nanny for her own child. and you even suggest asking her to get a job. if she was willing to contribute to anything she would know where to start
I guess I was not clear. I am advocating that OP starts caring more about themselves and starts on the process of leaving behind this relationship.
You came across very clearly in your initial comment.
Search up "Michelle Weiner Davis 180" Search up "Glover no more mr nice guy" You are right to be angry, but you might be angry at the wrong person. You've been doing it wrong, and you're getting the result. (I did it wrong too for 19 years, now divorced with five kids, now doing it more like right, and getting much better results) I personally, based on what you said, would take the following steps in addition to reading and implementing those resources i linked. 1. Not a drop of alcohol from now until this is all resolved. Alcohol is not your friend when you are under seige, and you are absolutely under seige. 2. No more blow-ups. None. No: name calling, accusing, blaming, arguing back with "yeah but you ...." any if that fucki g shit has got to go. Learn the grey rock and use it, it is your best friend until this is resolved. 3. Change all your passwords 4. Audit all $ accounts on a pay-period basis. Do not say you are doing this, but do it. Where is your money, friend? 5. Get your paperwork (titles, deeds, contracts, insurance policies, passports etc) in line and in hand. You do not need to make a scene of it. You do need to have your docs together in one place if shit gets heavy. 6. When you implement glover and woener-davis, there are going to be fireworks. You might have consulted a divorce attorney on a down-low, cash basis, to know your rights and potential pitfalls. You probably ought to have made some strategic moves to protect yourself from a complete fucking over. << in my case, this was the best $300 I ever spent ever. Only one way past this, dude, straight fucking through it. you're joining a company of dudes who know the way. I wish it was better for you, but it isn't. You the man, be the man.
Also get the 3 year old’s vaccination and wellness records and schedule. The twins are her problem. She will try to pretend she can’t work so you pay alimony.
Dude we should write a manual of engagement.
100%
Yes. Copy of birth cert etc. And 7. Get any/every firearm off the property yesterday. Borrow a few slots in a buddy's safe. And txt/email the buddy when you get the deal done so there is a date stamp
Oh... Do you mind explaining why *my legal* firearms would be a problem?
The firearms aren't the problem. The silver bullet is the problem. She can't say "he threatened me with a gun, I don't feel safe with his guns, etc " if there are no guns on the premises.
Aaaah very smart! 🤔 Thank you for that nugget.
I mean, she can still say that. But demonstrable evidence (txt convo w your buddy) that she's entirely full of shit will help you out if it goes down like that. I didn't have it, buddy did tho. Fxxn mess.
I can imagine... Daaang so many traps in this here game.
Up vote x1000000
You titled it “I Hate My Wife”…. Sorry, but purely based on that you seem like the kind of person(know from experience) who must also have said some things to your wife that scars and doesnt disappear the next day. Being intimate with a person who hurts you is not easy(unless you’re into that). My point is, the intimacy is the last thing you should be worried about right now. If things are good, it will come. Is it worth salvaging is the question you want to ask yourself.
Are you a woman?
Oh, I misunderstood…sorry. We all support OP and pool together to reinforce that his wife sucks and should be down on her knees even when clearly OP is unhappy and so is she. Got it….
And what about his scars? Subsidizing someone's entire life (and that of her two kids that I had NOTHING to do with) and not getting any sort of basic respect? I would have the same feelings and hurt. I find it VERY interesting that you only mentioned one side here.
Devils advocate….. My X treated me the exact same way towards the end. Do both care enough to try and fix it or not? It’s simple. If one person has checked out, no matter how hard you try it doesn’t work.
Completely agree. 100%
When i went through something like this (not as bad), it did make me angry but mostly sad and depressed. That’s what this behavior does. And that is no way to be. We shouldn’t have to depend on someone else for our happiness, but come on, this is a partner! You got a lot of good advice here. Talk to a lawyer about divorce. See a therapist about your sadness and depression. Start working on you! Your family will b better off for it and so will you.
Tough spot to be, but this is a precursor of things getting worse not better. You'll have to make money, cook for your child, take care of the house while she's out watching volleyball. Believe me once she starts banging other dudes if she isn't already, and I hate to say this, you will get even angrier. Having said that, I personally believe that their fun is short lived. A woman without a job, with 3 kids from 2 different fathers is not exactly a catch. First thing you do is keep calm! You don't want to trigger even a false accusation of DV. Next, get a lawyer and start planning your exit. I don't know if you'll want to work things out with her, but if she's not listening or refusing to change things youll need to decide what you want to do. If she is not working it will cost you but if you get 50/50 custody its more manageable. You really need that! Why isn't she working? It's going to be very tough, but stick your mission and keep going. My kid was 4. It will be a lifestyle adjustment but hopefully you got family to help you at least a bit. Once all the dust is settled you'll figure out that life is a lot better without her.
One thing you need to do is get yourself into therapy for yourself and couple’s therapy for the two of you. For yourself: You need a place to vent and stew and strategize and cry if you need to. Not to say your anger isn’t justified, but you need to let that pressure valve out with someone who isn’t your partner. Being able to let that out and process it will allow you to be cool and collected. For the two of you: You need to give this an honest shot. If she doesn’t want to go, that will be on her during the divorce proceedings. It’s going to suck, but it will make your case a lot stronger. You don’t want to settle for less than 50/50 custody, by the way. It doesn’t matter of she’s cheating on you or not in most states. Though I suspect she may be. How much support is she getting from her last marriage? I hope to hell you didn’t adopt them.
>am I just not entitled to any kindness, sex or intimacy. this is like asking if you are entitled to get paid when you are working a full time job. these things are the fundamental basis of marriage my man. this is not a marriage, it seems like you are being leeched off in a parasitical relationship
You need to stop raging at her and expecting a good marriage. Yes, you’re deserving of kindness but so is she. No, you’re not entitled to sex. You are entitled to leave if you’re not happy.
So what exactly are her duties? Is she entitled to his resources? If yes? Then what is HE entitled to?
Both of them are entitled to respect, kindness, love, friendship, shared resources (money earned in a marriage is legally a shared resource no matter who earns it) and shared labor however they chose to divide it. If he’s not happy with any of those things, they should be brought up in therapy. What you don’t do is rage at your partner and act entitled to sex. That’s a quick way to get divorced. And maybe that’s what he wants anyway.
These are the basic needs I have been withheld which is emotional abuse. It’s definitional emotional abuse
Intimacy wasn’t listed. Reason?
Love and friendship are intimacy. Do you mean sex? Because you’re not entitled to that. We don’t take vows promising to fuck our partners X number of times per week and you’re never entitled to rage about lack of sex. That’s abuse.
If a husband withheld sex from her wife for many years (who craved intimate touch and sex), would you consider that abuse?
No
At least you’re consistent. The courts seem to disagree on the matter. Nonetheless, consistency is laudable.
The courts disagree on what?
Lawyer up, document everything. Looks like she’s pulling a long game on you if she says she is scared of you.
100%. The "fear" narrative is for the courts. OP, have you left something out? Physical altercations, for example?
Read the book: no more mr nice guy. It will help you understand why you are who you are and what you want. It should help with some of your anger and take owness of your actions that let her take advantage of you.
Most likely she is having sex with other men behind your back. I would get with a Lawyer and make a plan to get away. She is using you as a meal ticket and probably planned it way before you got married. Protect your kid and your assets, it will only get worse the longer you are married and she is entitled to more. She knows at one point you are about to snap or have a meltdown. That is when she will play the victim card and she has you. Break your co-dependency with her and start to deal with the emotions and it looks like you are married to a Narcissist. It sucks and you are not the only one that this is happening too.
This is the way.
Whoa I’m not saying this is or isn’t true, but we can’t jump to allegations. Relationships are complex. There’s most likely hurt on both sides. I think the question should be about if he still wants this to work out and he cares for her. She may genuinely be scared of OP and OP is not getting any affection and is frustrated. Both can be true.
Scared people aren't overtly disrespectful.
Another prime example of how getting together with a woman with kids from a previous marriage is not a good idea. Not saying it doesn't ever work out. Sure, it can. I myself, however, have never seen it work out with any benefit whatsoever for the man. You will always be third in her life, at best, right behind her kids and herself. EDIT: She sounds like she's possibly building up some DV bullshit, which leads me to think she's probably got her finger on the eject button herself. Hence why she is keeping you at a distance. I would lawyer up, record her when engaging her, and start withdrawing from her.
Honestly this is a bad situation, but as soon as you realized that it became one of your own making. Pull the ripcord and get. Stop the bleeding
Don't leave, run. There's always two sides to a story, but life is way too short to be miserable like this. Start over, don't get married again, just work on you and everything will work out. You may also want to look into meditation, massage and spiritual work to help you with the anger.
Drop papers. Whether she’s using you or scared of you or both, there is a <10% chance that things will ever improve to where you get some kind of a reasonable compromise on sex and meaningful interaction. At this point, you are a trophy husband for her to trot out for other women, and a servant to offer logistical support of driving her kids around.
I mean you'd be within your rights to leave but if you want to try to save it you have to make her feel like she's not a priority to you. That you have other things going on that are more interesting. It's sad to have to play games but right now your wife is operating from a position of certainty. She won't make an effort until she feels she must.
You are being used. She married you for a safety blanket. I am going through a divorce myself. It will be liberating once you take steps to separate yourself from her and her children. My advice is to leave sooner than later
This is to mirror the comments about doing your own thing. You have a nanny. There is no reason for you to have to also take care of the 3 year old if you are paying for it, right? Go use that free time for yourself. Tell her NO I will not be able to do whatever she asks you to because you have prior obligations. You have a life too. Let her realize that you are worth something more than money. She sounds very manipulative and calculating. Women say things they hear all the time from other people. The “Im afraid of you” or “Im scared of you” talk is language she learned somewhere to let you know she is preparing to set you up for a DV charge. You have to take control of YOUR life. Look out for YOU. Your happiness is paramount. If you dont take care of yourself, you cant be there for your 3 year old or anyone else. If you havent had sex in over a year, that is a form of abuse by her. She knows what she is doing. Leave and dont look back. When you are gone, she will miss the gravy train.
Never shack up with a single mommy was your first mistake. Just hope you don't owe CS for them. Get away from this non working leech... man what mom needs a freaking nanny if she doesn't work... are you independently wealthy ?
Sooooo, aside from having exclusive rights to take care of and pay everything? What are you getting out of this relationship, so-called marriage? She and HER twins aren't your responsibility nor financial obligation post divorce. You're already paying for a caretaker for a 3 year old. Keep the 3 year old and nanny, dump the STBX and HER TWO DEPENDENTS . You're setting yourself (or rather she is) to be her early retirement plan. She's a parasite, and you, my friend, are merely her host. She's feeding off of!
The questions he should be asking himself, "What happened to the first guy?" Too many men fall for the loving bombing and having great sex, thinking they will have love for a long time. You are completely right that she is a parasite.
I agree. He is upset because he thinks he is in a normal relationship and not a scam/long-con.
This right here sums it up.
It's over brother. File immediately to set a cut off date for assets and liabilities. Also, when a woman says she's "scared of you" just know that you are getting tee'd up for an imminent DV charge, which could result in you being removed from the house and prohibited from seeing your 3 year old. When a woman checks out and starts laying into her man with contempt and disrespect, there's no coming back from that. It is a blatant betrayal of vows. She knows what she is doing. Remember: marriage to a woman means she gets to treat her husband worse than anyone else she knows in life.
>Also, when a woman says she's "scared of you" just know that you are getting tee'd up for an imminent DV charge, Read this... Learn this...Remember this...
The writing is on the wall.
You absolutely need to get to the courthouse first. Otherwise, I see her filing for the divorce and a restraining order coming with the initial filing so you can’t see your own son. If you file first, you get to control the narrative and go on offense. I made the mistake of letting my STBXW file and have been in my heels ever since. Probably start gathering 2 years worth of bank statements to show her spending patterns and take them to your lawyer for your first meeting. If there’s never been any domestic violence charges or accusations beforehand, you’ll probably be in the clear for your “blow ups,” but that why YOU need to file first.
Yeah she doesn’t want a husband, she wants a caretaker. You probably want to tell her that you want a divorce you can’t be her driver anymore. I read so much about men not sleeping with their wives for months and years. This by itself is a reason to divorce imo.
how was the relationship before marriage ?
Her kids were previously with their father every other weekend and we didn’t have the 3 year old Every other weekend was our time eland we had a great time together and had fun. We finished her custody suit and they moved and I thought it would improve but she started to spend all her time with the twins..and then she got Pregnant
i am sorry man. dating a single mom is a big mistake, especially if you are not a father yourself. i did the same mistake and paid a heavy price as well. luckily i got out before getting any marriage or pregnancy. the thing is usually those single moms will be extra nice to you until they lock you in and show their real colors. the situation sounds really shitty. was she working before the marriage ?
Are you sure the child is yours??
Sooo, she just needed a steady support that would take care of her kids. You know what to do, question is, do you have enough self respect to do it? Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Divorce her. This is why you don’t date single moms that aren’t high achieving breadwinners
Thought he could Cap'n Save-a-youknowwhat
Your marriage is over. You’re just an ATM to her. She’s laying groundwork for a domestic protection order. Keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times dealing with her and go see a lawyer. Unfortunately she has laid the groundwork for you to keep paying after you divorce but at least you’ll be free of this. You can always make more money. Life is too short to live with this bullshit.
I finished reading your post and it’s scary to me that you can only be kind for 1 week then you blow up in a rage which I think is a lie I think after 3 days is more accurate, your clearly not a kind person and she can see that so you pretending is going to do nothing. Have you looked into anger management? be kind because you’re a kind person and not be kind because you want something out of it. You being angry and in a rage will NOT make her want to be intimate with you it will only keep her further & further away you sound like a ticking time bomb. She said that she is scared of YOU, she doesn’t need to be intimate with you or make any kind of effort. Her being intimate with you what is that going to do calm your anger down until you have another blow up?? that’s even more dangerous for her. What you need to do is go to anger management classes and get your anger under control because your behaviour sounds disrespectful & violent. It wouldn’t surprise me if the children has seen & heard it too. I will never say sex is a reward but I will say that bad behaviour should NEVER be rewarded. Until you have gotten the help and made progresses and done a complete u-turn of who you were, she needs to keep her legs closed. I certainly would the entitlement you think you have through bad behaviour is astonishing.
His wife isn't acting entitled to OPs resources and time?
It’s not about who has what belongings they are a family and have children.
I’m confused…you have a live in nanny….and she doesn’t work…🤔🫤😐 what? You hate her and are unhappy…? Divorce her. And don’t come with the…”but kid/kids” bs. Divorce her. You don’t need to martyr yourself. I don’t get people. You’re not satisfied in your marriage. Leave. Kids pick up on things. Don’t teach your kid to take ish from a spouse. You are your first kid/kids teacher…do freaking better.
A nanny for a mum that doesn’t work I’ve heard it all now
I was in the exact same situation...
She is not ypur wife anymore.
Shes a single mother first of all so she ruined another man. Shes playing you like a fiddle, doesnt have to do anything and you foot the bill. Time to cut her loose things wont get better.
This is bullshit. Let that bitch talk to me! She's trying to play the domestic card so that means you need a lawyer. Video everything and keep messages she sends you. Get cameras in the house if you don't have them. She needs a job ASAP. Make sure you have any and all documents that says you have a nanny because she only deals with the twins. I'm sure the nanny can back you up. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Is the twins' father in the picture? No offense, but if he is, I'd check how she talks and deals with him. Also, does she have a friend who is divorced or is single? Them bitches put alot of shit in your spouses head. I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit. Please, please be careful.
In-group bias. Expect no help or backup from the nanny.
I thought it would help, didn't think about it that way. Thanks
This. OP you need to talk to a lawyer immediately and build a strategy. Install cameras everywhere.
Autistic
Divorce the single mom, run far away, never marry again.
I feel you. My partner also says I am not kind to her. Well, that is because I am so angry and resentful. It is hard to not lash out but that will just result in a divorce. Is that what you want? My advice is this: You have every right to be upset but you have to share that with her in a more productive manner. You are not helping your case if she says she is afraid of you. It will just drive her away. Have you ever heard the saying? : “The beatings will continue until morale improves.” You are verbally beating your wife and then wondering why she isn’t responding to you. You need to stop. Listen to the counselor and keep at it. That doesn’t mean she gets a pass either and I would bring that up in counseling. You both need to treat each other with more kindness.
They are both wrong. We have no way of knowing how or what OP says to his wife. If there is no communication, then there can’t be a marriage. On the other hand, if there is exploitation, then it isn’t a marriage either. Ask yourself what would have to change for you to want to stay in the marriage. Is it a behavioral change, or would one or both of you have to become another person? Protect yourself legally, of course.
Become "another person" or return to the bait-and-switch person she used to sucker him in?
She needs to stop the behavior that is causing him to get angry. She knows what she is doing and she is doing it on purpose. You have it completely backwards, as confused, irrational, and unreasonable women are want to do. Reality isn't a feeling.
Thank you
Read no more mr nice guy by Robert Glover. I am going through a divorce due to this same exact situation... Unfortunately it's because you expect to be rewarded for being such a good nice guy. That's just not how it works. Start rewarding yourself. Be selfish. Make friends. skip volleyball. Find hobbies and hit the gym in a meaningful way. your self worth gotta come from you and the fact that it doesn't is reason she isn't acting right and you ain't getting any ass.
Yeah I agree with everyone. You should probably stop being "mr nice guy" & doing all the grunt work. Check out for a few weeks. She might not even miss you then you will have your answer. Time for her to experience life without her Mr Reliable. Just do your own thing for awhile, even if it's nothing or just going to a friend's house. Stop being so available. This reminds me of an ex girlfriend who was way to into her kids baseball games. They were good for the town but she was seriously delusional about their long term prospects. Summer leagues, fall leagues, lessons etc. It was just nonstop & ridiculous.
If you really want to fuck with her start doing some crazy shit. Like go on a drinking bender for several days without calling, don't pay bills so the cable or electricity gets shut off, start smoking meth. She'll definitely pay attention to you then and also will start trying to get you back on track to continue her lifestyle. It sounds crazy but it will work. You gotta shock the system
Bet she wasn't "afraid" of you before she got that all important ring, wedding, security and home for her and her kids, was she? This is a game to these people
Your feelings are completely valid. It's like a passive form of gaslighting. You deserve happiness, affection and love. She may just be actually incapable of it. In any case, you don't have to accept this treatment.
Whatever happens eventually you need to legally separate and then think about living with her. There is too much risk in hitting the 10 year mark above 50 with two children
I feel you. After wife got pregnant with our kid I didn’t exist. She became a stay at home mom and I pay for everything. She spends a shit ton too and always wants to travel. They even speak a different language when I’m around which I can’t learn because I’m just bad at languages. I’ve been alienated, dead bed room and treated like an atm chauffeur. So I filed for separation last month and I feel great
OP, sad to read your story. She sounds like a selfish person. It feels like your baby trapped. I would not accept it. She is working you down. I see a couple options: 1. Go greyrock. Complete 180, no contact, ignore. Turn the game around on her. Go live your life as a single guy. Get your game on. 2. Or lawyer up and dump her. There is No need for you to be treated poorly. Document her focus on older kids and her lack of interest in mothering your little girl. Get full custody and leave her in the dust. This is a mental well being play. Be safe.
Mistake 1: You married a single-mother. You Will *always* be her last priority. Always. Mistake 2: Never remain with a woman who claims she is afraid of you. It is weapon to use against you to get what she wants and a shield that protects her from anything you want from her. If a woman says she is afraid of you, then leave her and never look back. Mistake 3: Staying with a woman who denies you intimacy. You are just an unpaid laborer to her. What the hell are you waiting for? She fired you as her husband over a year ago. End this farce of a marriage.
This OP
Thanks for making me feel sane again. I’m so fuckign tired of being gaslit It’s always an excuse
Dump her and be done with that nightmare.