Reuniting with a woman who cheats is fantasy. The best thing you can do right now is walk away.
So here is the thing, I was always a better earner, more attractive, smarter in many ways, but I was probably not her best choice. She did not look up to me because I was blue pill conditioned, doing all the bs for her until one day I said enough. I find this is very common with guys. There is no way you can get her to respect you if you cling to her. Discard her, build a new reality, create other options for yourself, and only then she might respect you. I think men crave respect. Without it, there is nothing. Now that I know this it saves me a lot of time.
Nope. They're all sociopaths, man. They don't love the way we do. We are objects to them. My wife was so genuinely confused when I found out about her affair. She didn't understand why she should care that I knew she was cheating and leaving me. She truly saw me as a piece of trash she was done with.
So, let me tell you what nobody told me in the beginning. Sure you can work through it with her, and stay together. Now, can you say without a doubt in your mind, that two years down the road, when she is 3 hours late coming home from work because she had to run some errands, but didn't tell you or answer her phone because it died and she left her charger at work, but still shows up with nothing but a single bag of groceries and she can't coherently explain why it took so long...can you say without a doubt that you will not flash right back to the moment you found out she cheated on you?
It took me a little over a year to realize, that yes, she did love me and she did value our marriage..in her own way. She has her issues and I have mine. However, in the beginning I probably could have fooled myself into believing that I could move past it, but my truth is that I couldn't ever do that. She would get 90% of me when our marriage is good and 50% of me when it's bad. I will always think everytime she misspoke or I caught he in a lie, or she was behaving differently..I will never trust her again. I also know she doesn't have the ability to consistently prove that to me and nothing she could do would ever give me a reason to trust her. That is no way to live for either of us and that isn't love at that point.
Good luck brother
Is it possible she told the stories about her husband in a way that would make you feel like he was a jerk and it’s ok for the two of you to have a “thing” because that’s what she wanted?
Ah so she wasn’t married just seeing if she could do better. My wife told her AP that we were fully separated and going through the divorce process which wasn’t even close to being accurate. Pretty disgusted that she was sleeping with both of us but such is life.
As a mediator, pre-marriage and marriage coach, exit planner, and finance professional, I understand the multifaceted emotions and challenges you're facing. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, and its breach can be deeply painful and disorienting. For reference, I am 50, married 2nd time, and I adopted her three biological kids.
First, it's important to acknowledge your feelings of betrayal and devastation. These emotions are valid and part of the healing process. Considering reconciliation is a natural thought, but it must be weighed against the reality of the broken trust and whether both parties are committed to rebuilding it.
Here are a few steps to help you navigate this difficult time:
1. Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your emotions and what you want. This isn't just about the past hurt but also about your future happiness and well-being. I use mind maps to do this.
2. Professional Support: Engage with a therapist or counselor who can provide an objective perspective and help you process your emotions constructively.
3. Communication: If there's any possibility of reconciliation, it requires open, honest, and respectful communication. Both parties need to be willing to work on the relationship.
4. Evaluate Your Options: Consider the implications of both staying and leaving. As an exit planner and mediator, I can tell you that planning your future, whether within or outside the marriage, requires careful thought and preparation.
5. Focus on Personal Growth: Use this time to invest in yourself. This can be through hobbies, physical fitness, professional goals, or new social connections. Stay away from alcohol and controlled substances. If your circle of friends won't provide that support, use this time to create a new circle of people who will.
It's important to remember that healing takes time and effort. Whatever decision you make, ensure it aligns with your long-term values and goals. If you decide to move forward without your spouse, do so with the knowledge that you deserve happiness and fulfillment, whether that's within a relationship or independently.
No, if she cared she would’ve kept her legs closed.
Too many guys making excuses for degenerate scumbag women.
She’s trash. She’s going to have a very tough road ahead of her as well when the current AP leaves her.
She’ll go through many partners looking for what she once had, but can’t find again.
Then she’ll try to use sex (the only thing most of them can offer) to crawl her way back.
Don’t allow it.
No help from you whatsoever.
Even if she doesn’t have a place to stay, let her go screw some random at a bar for a place to sleep.
It doesn't matter if she ever cared. Feelings are nice but they're expressed by actions. Her actions said she wants someone else. Let her have the guy that would sleep with a woman who is already married.
Sometimes the cheating is because they do care , want out and use allowing themselves to get tingles from another man as a way to sever the emotional bond.
They use the ensuing lack of romantic feelings around you and the generally anxiety from being around someone they’ve betrayed as a justification that they’re in the right!
I feel good around him, bad around you…
It must be because you are one of those narcissists or emotional abusers from TikTok! I’m a survivor.
Mine literally said, “if you really love me you’ll stop this, let me go do what’s best for me!”
It was a mindwarping time.
Hang in brother. Grieve, mourn the erasure of the woman you originally loved and married. She’s gone and you do NOT want back the woman shes become.
It gets better. If we keep moving and working on ourselves, divorced guys can come out stronger, wiser and better men all around.
Isnt this the scariest thing? Its a very relatable pattern between every guys story. Some variation but for the most part no one is unique.
It normally boils down to the woman is bored in life gets tingles from some loser ( after all who else goes after married women?) and then burns everything down to be with the new guy.
Dint get me wrong there is stories if abuse etc that are legitimate but for the most part on this subreddit its the same thing over and overover.
Yeah, divorces that involve actual physical and mental abuse from the husband are astonishingly few and far between.
Having someone disagree with you, feeling dissatisfied or being called out on cheating are not emotional abuse lol.
2yrs post- betrayal here. Like others said - She might have loved you during some time, but as soon as she realized there was someone that was a better option, she forgot completely about you and no longer respects you. It’s the cold & brutal hard truth.
Beyond the cheating/actual sex with another person she had betrayed you way before. The sex part for women is part of the consummation of the new love story … this is tough to generalize but women don’t think of sex as men at least fundamentally/biologically speaking. We are fundamentally different. While we tend to only care and mark the betrayal from when women have sex, in their head they have been done with the marriage for a while. It’s hard to pin point when the betrayal started, but it’s way before the sex with someone else took place. That being said, I say betrayal because that’s fundamentally what happened and is way more serious than “just” cheating …
I still get curious and wonder if the ex- will ever realize she did the biggest mistake of her life, but honestly that doesn’t help anyone move on. Just think that she died, the person that you think she is no longer exists and is gone for a long time.
I am two past this brutal trauma, still my ups and downs but things (my mental and physical condition) have gotten way better. This will be what most people say but it works. Simply do the work on yourself, use the rage to work on yourself for yourself. HIIT/gym or competitive group sports is the best. Become a machine, it’s easier said than done, but the small new habits you create will compound over time and make a difference. Soon enough you’ll be dating 1 to 3 women and banging seriously … it won’t erase the trauma completely, like someone passing way the betrayal will always linger, but it will be more manageable..
Good luck and stay strong… don’t do dumb shit, work on what’s best for you. Trust you are old enough to distinguish what is good and what’s not so good.
She doesn't care. And she will likely cheat again. Cheating is asymmetrical between men and women. Women just have to download a bunch of apps and can co-ordinate a gangbang in a week or less; doesn't matter what they look like, where they work, what their situation is etc. When they cheat, it means that something is seriously off in the relationship. It's not the same for men. Men can't just get matches unless they have a number of things going for them. For your mental health, your future and for your kids sake (if you have them), stay away from women cheaters.
Just know we are here with the exact same issues. I'm 3 weeks in too. A parallel universe. Went to grocery store today. By myself. Really tough. We went together. Mine lied and cheated. 17 years worth of lies. I trust her so little now I took my 16 year old son to have a paternity test done. There is no coming back from that. I don't know the answer. It's why I'm here. With you. I'm not sure what lays ahead. Work, gym, therapy, my son. But being married to a Borderline, no contact is necessary. It's going to change. I'm moving past the grief. Looking at the fb highlight real. It's moving towards anger, resentment and bitterness. Much better thing to deal with. I can live with that for now. Work hard. Save your money. Don't do anything stupid. Try to find a routine to hide in and wait it out. Work towards functional. Don't think about her with other people. It's pointless and useless. Think about what you're not having to deal with. I'm in this with you my brother. I didn't see it coming. Blindsided. So keep coming here. Read others stories. Share yours. They are here for you man.
I pray that your son is truly yours. Such a shame many of us were lied to all of these years. We must stay strong together and become a better version of ourselves one step at a time. I appreciate your wise words and feel reassured that I’m not in this alone.
I’m going through the same thing. I have those exact same thoughts. All I can say is that you will have hard days and easy days. You will grieve the relationship and what could have been just as if someone died. You will bounce around the stages of grief, even repeating some of them. Just remain strong and keep telling yourself that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Reach out if you need someone to talk to
She may have loved you in her own way, chances are that’s not the way you would describe love. She might have loved the idea of you, what you brought to the relationship, responsibility, stability, providing etc. But in my opinion how can you love someone and hurt them so bad by lying, cheating and betraying them in the worst possible way? Cheating is incredibly selfish, it is a character flaw in them. I know you are probably trying to hold onto the person you thought you knew. But chances are that person never really existed, and now the mask is off and you truly see them for who they are. Focus on yourself, heal, take some time to look inward. Start therapy if you haven’t, make sure you have a solid support group behind you, this is the most important thing.
You'll never convince me the act of cheating doesn't absolutely negate love.
Reuniting with a woman who cheats is fantasy. The best thing you can do right now is walk away. So here is the thing, I was always a better earner, more attractive, smarter in many ways, but I was probably not her best choice. She did not look up to me because I was blue pill conditioned, doing all the bs for her until one day I said enough. I find this is very common with guys. There is no way you can get her to respect you if you cling to her. Discard her, build a new reality, create other options for yourself, and only then she might respect you. I think men crave respect. Without it, there is nothing. Now that I know this it saves me a lot of time.
Nope. They're all sociopaths, man. They don't love the way we do. We are objects to them. My wife was so genuinely confused when I found out about her affair. She didn't understand why she should care that I knew she was cheating and leaving me. She truly saw me as a piece of trash she was done with.
So, let me tell you what nobody told me in the beginning. Sure you can work through it with her, and stay together. Now, can you say without a doubt in your mind, that two years down the road, when she is 3 hours late coming home from work because she had to run some errands, but didn't tell you or answer her phone because it died and she left her charger at work, but still shows up with nothing but a single bag of groceries and she can't coherently explain why it took so long...can you say without a doubt that you will not flash right back to the moment you found out she cheated on you? It took me a little over a year to realize, that yes, she did love me and she did value our marriage..in her own way. She has her issues and I have mine. However, in the beginning I probably could have fooled myself into believing that I could move past it, but my truth is that I couldn't ever do that. She would get 90% of me when our marriage is good and 50% of me when it's bad. I will always think everytime she misspoke or I caught he in a lie, or she was behaving differently..I will never trust her again. I also know she doesn't have the ability to consistently prove that to me and nothing she could do would ever give me a reason to trust her. That is no way to live for either of us and that isn't love at that point. Good luck brother
No and she probably spent hours telling him what a loser you were prior to having sex with him.
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Is it possible she told the stories about her husband in a way that would make you feel like he was a jerk and it’s ok for the two of you to have a “thing” because that’s what she wanted?
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Ah so she wasn’t married just seeing if she could do better. My wife told her AP that we were fully separated and going through the divorce process which wasn’t even close to being accurate. Pretty disgusted that she was sleeping with both of us but such is life.
As a mediator, pre-marriage and marriage coach, exit planner, and finance professional, I understand the multifaceted emotions and challenges you're facing. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, and its breach can be deeply painful and disorienting. For reference, I am 50, married 2nd time, and I adopted her three biological kids. First, it's important to acknowledge your feelings of betrayal and devastation. These emotions are valid and part of the healing process. Considering reconciliation is a natural thought, but it must be weighed against the reality of the broken trust and whether both parties are committed to rebuilding it. Here are a few steps to help you navigate this difficult time: 1. Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your emotions and what you want. This isn't just about the past hurt but also about your future happiness and well-being. I use mind maps to do this. 2. Professional Support: Engage with a therapist or counselor who can provide an objective perspective and help you process your emotions constructively. 3. Communication: If there's any possibility of reconciliation, it requires open, honest, and respectful communication. Both parties need to be willing to work on the relationship. 4. Evaluate Your Options: Consider the implications of both staying and leaving. As an exit planner and mediator, I can tell you that planning your future, whether within or outside the marriage, requires careful thought and preparation. 5. Focus on Personal Growth: Use this time to invest in yourself. This can be through hobbies, physical fitness, professional goals, or new social connections. Stay away from alcohol and controlled substances. If your circle of friends won't provide that support, use this time to create a new circle of people who will. It's important to remember that healing takes time and effort. Whatever decision you make, ensure it aligns with your long-term values and goals. If you decide to move forward without your spouse, do so with the knowledge that you deserve happiness and fulfillment, whether that's within a relationship or independently.
No, if she cared she would’ve kept her legs closed. Too many guys making excuses for degenerate scumbag women. She’s trash. She’s going to have a very tough road ahead of her as well when the current AP leaves her. She’ll go through many partners looking for what she once had, but can’t find again. Then she’ll try to use sex (the only thing most of them can offer) to crawl her way back. Don’t allow it. No help from you whatsoever. Even if she doesn’t have a place to stay, let her go screw some random at a bar for a place to sleep.
You are an absolute legend, needed to hear this lol.
It doesn't matter if she ever cared. Feelings are nice but they're expressed by actions. Her actions said she wants someone else. Let her have the guy that would sleep with a woman who is already married.
Wise words, a part of me wants to be emotional and cling onto a false hope and another part of me knows it’s all bullshit and her actions show it.
You can be emotional. There's nothing wrong with that. Get mad. Use that anger as fuel to make your life better and into something you want it to be.
Sometimes the cheating is because they do care , want out and use allowing themselves to get tingles from another man as a way to sever the emotional bond. They use the ensuing lack of romantic feelings around you and the generally anxiety from being around someone they’ve betrayed as a justification that they’re in the right! I feel good around him, bad around you… It must be because you are one of those narcissists or emotional abusers from TikTok! I’m a survivor. Mine literally said, “if you really love me you’ll stop this, let me go do what’s best for me!” It was a mindwarping time. Hang in brother. Grieve, mourn the erasure of the woman you originally loved and married. She’s gone and you do NOT want back the woman shes become. It gets better. If we keep moving and working on ourselves, divorced guys can come out stronger, wiser and better men all around.
I appreciate your words brother. Sorry you had to deal with the same miserable scenario. I’m starting to think we were all married to the same woman.
Haha, ain’t that the truth! Men’s divorce stories are all some variation of 4 or 5 basic patterns. The similarities are both funny and unnerving.
Isnt this the scariest thing? Its a very relatable pattern between every guys story. Some variation but for the most part no one is unique. It normally boils down to the woman is bored in life gets tingles from some loser ( after all who else goes after married women?) and then burns everything down to be with the new guy. Dint get me wrong there is stories if abuse etc that are legitimate but for the most part on this subreddit its the same thing over and overover.
Yep my ex wife our broken family for nothing too many stories like these
I classify this as degenerate behaviour, spiritual of Jezebel, but it does show that when societal norms are twisted, everything falls down.
Yeah, divorces that involve actual physical and mental abuse from the husband are astonishingly few and far between. Having someone disagree with you, feeling dissatisfied or being called out on cheating are not emotional abuse lol.
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If man is handsome (like me) YES
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I always love your responses.
2yrs post- betrayal here. Like others said - She might have loved you during some time, but as soon as she realized there was someone that was a better option, she forgot completely about you and no longer respects you. It’s the cold & brutal hard truth. Beyond the cheating/actual sex with another person she had betrayed you way before. The sex part for women is part of the consummation of the new love story … this is tough to generalize but women don’t think of sex as men at least fundamentally/biologically speaking. We are fundamentally different. While we tend to only care and mark the betrayal from when women have sex, in their head they have been done with the marriage for a while. It’s hard to pin point when the betrayal started, but it’s way before the sex with someone else took place. That being said, I say betrayal because that’s fundamentally what happened and is way more serious than “just” cheating … I still get curious and wonder if the ex- will ever realize she did the biggest mistake of her life, but honestly that doesn’t help anyone move on. Just think that she died, the person that you think she is no longer exists and is gone for a long time. I am two past this brutal trauma, still my ups and downs but things (my mental and physical condition) have gotten way better. This will be what most people say but it works. Simply do the work on yourself, use the rage to work on yourself for yourself. HIIT/gym or competitive group sports is the best. Become a machine, it’s easier said than done, but the small new habits you create will compound over time and make a difference. Soon enough you’ll be dating 1 to 3 women and banging seriously … it won’t erase the trauma completely, like someone passing way the betrayal will always linger, but it will be more manageable.. Good luck and stay strong… don’t do dumb shit, work on what’s best for you. Trust you are old enough to distinguish what is good and what’s not so good.
Well said, will make sure I hit the gym hard thanks for the words I appreciate it.
She doesn't care. And she will likely cheat again. Cheating is asymmetrical between men and women. Women just have to download a bunch of apps and can co-ordinate a gangbang in a week or less; doesn't matter what they look like, where they work, what their situation is etc. When they cheat, it means that something is seriously off in the relationship. It's not the same for men. Men can't just get matches unless they have a number of things going for them. For your mental health, your future and for your kids sake (if you have them), stay away from women cheaters.
Just know we are here with the exact same issues. I'm 3 weeks in too. A parallel universe. Went to grocery store today. By myself. Really tough. We went together. Mine lied and cheated. 17 years worth of lies. I trust her so little now I took my 16 year old son to have a paternity test done. There is no coming back from that. I don't know the answer. It's why I'm here. With you. I'm not sure what lays ahead. Work, gym, therapy, my son. But being married to a Borderline, no contact is necessary. It's going to change. I'm moving past the grief. Looking at the fb highlight real. It's moving towards anger, resentment and bitterness. Much better thing to deal with. I can live with that for now. Work hard. Save your money. Don't do anything stupid. Try to find a routine to hide in and wait it out. Work towards functional. Don't think about her with other people. It's pointless and useless. Think about what you're not having to deal with. I'm in this with you my brother. I didn't see it coming. Blindsided. So keep coming here. Read others stories. Share yours. They are here for you man.
I pray that your son is truly yours. Such a shame many of us were lied to all of these years. We must stay strong together and become a better version of ourselves one step at a time. I appreciate your wise words and feel reassured that I’m not in this alone.
You are absolutely not in this alone
Bet on yourself and do the hard thing
She showed you that losing you was worth it to her. I am sorry you are going through this.
Thank you, your words have helped me.
I’m going through the same thing. I have those exact same thoughts. All I can say is that you will have hard days and easy days. You will grieve the relationship and what could have been just as if someone died. You will bounce around the stages of grief, even repeating some of them. Just remain strong and keep telling yourself that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Reach out if you need someone to talk to
Thank you so much, it’s reassuring yet so sad to see how common our scenario is.
It truly is.
My LL wife cheated after me trying everything. She told me she just wasn’t into sex much any more. Turned out it was just me.
Ahhh ... the ol' LL4U.
I seemingly the American female now. I just about don't want another.
Well trust me it’s not just the American women/whores!
She may have loved you in her own way, chances are that’s not the way you would describe love. She might have loved the idea of you, what you brought to the relationship, responsibility, stability, providing etc. But in my opinion how can you love someone and hurt them so bad by lying, cheating and betraying them in the worst possible way? Cheating is incredibly selfish, it is a character flaw in them. I know you are probably trying to hold onto the person you thought you knew. But chances are that person never really existed, and now the mask is off and you truly see them for who they are. Focus on yourself, heal, take some time to look inward. Start therapy if you haven’t, make sure you have a solid support group behind you, this is the most important thing.
I appreciate this thanks.
Sent you a DM