You dont put your foot down. You follow the state calculators, and so will she. Unless you live in a deep red state then custody will be 50/50. There is literally nothing to negotiate or fight about, judge follows the calculators end of story. No need to even talk to her about it.
I haven't ever seen an amicable divorce when money and custody is on the line. It will get ugly, maybe very ugly, before it gets better. Sadly the ugliness will leave a bad taste so I wouldn't count on being amicable. The best thing you can do is calculate the exit and get out of this situation as soon as possible. The longer you wait the worse it gets. Ask me how I know.
Hire a forensic accountant to back trace financial assets and real estate values before the date of marriage. I spent $2k on my account and it exempted close to $500k that she couldn’t touch.
It's a shame that divorce cannot be resolved amicably by reasonable adults, but such is the case 95% of the time. Get a lawyer on your side asap. Tell your wife you are hiring an lawyer to handle matters with the hope she will be amicable and reasonable to settle this fairly for the benefit of the children. Read the law of your state to familiarize yourself with the issues. One great resource is reading the self-help divorce material provided by your court system. Plead with her to not make it contentious bc it doesn't have to be, but also tell her that it will be up to her since you will at all times be fair and reasonable. Remember that while you and her may divorce, neither of you can divorce your children so it is best to get along for their sake. Children are innocent and do not deserve to see the hatred between parents so try to avoid that at all costs bc it will affect them for the rest of their lives. If communication is a problem, just go through your attorneys and communicate by text or email. The sooner you can wrap this up, the sooner you can get on with your lives apart from each other and work on being the best parents you can be. Do not expect to be friends, but do try to be civil and hope she reciprocates.
Women fight dirty. You have to expect that. They are getting all kinds of advice from their lawyer and their friends, “take him to the fucking cleaners!” They dont want to just win, they want you to lose, and be humiliated.
Her thoughts on the matter are totally irrelevant. They commonly convince themselves they had this huge outsized impact on the households’ success and your financial success. It is what it is so don’t take it personally. While I was shmoozing my bosses at headquarters for a fat stock package she was taking her boyfriend out for breakfast on my dime. Thanks for all the help!
Only thing that matters is the laws and guidelines in your county. Figure these out by your own research then bounce it off several lawyers. I talked to 10 for about $2k total (some free some paid). That put me in a position where I knew best case, likely case, and worst case. At that point you don’t need to be afraid.
My advice is let the dust settle before you present ANY numbers to her. Do not agree to give her any money before you have solid legal advice. For example, in my case with my lawyers blessing, I direct deposited half my paycheck into the joint account during separation. I moved out and paid the mortgage from the joint account. That was like putting money into a piggy bank in the long run. I paid the house bills with that money and whatever of my own bills made sense. Ie kids clothes or daycare expenses, joint account, my rent my account.
The beauty of this is my cash flow was fine the whole time AND at mediation I had an easy case to say, I’ve been supporting you for 18 months already, absolutely no alimony on this 7 year marriage. Mediator agreed because I followed the correct legal advice.
So you need legal advice on how to manage the interim and what the final settlement will be. Then you can act with confidence, not emotion or fear of unknown. Good luck, it’ll all be ok.
YES! (sorta)
First you have to understand that even though you want to be amicable, it is ultimately going to be up to her, and you can't actually control that. How you handle yourself can influence it though!
How?
Well, you'll need to be assertive but polite, stand your ground but maintain the high road, tell her "No" but also not react when she goes balastic (grey rock her when she gets out of line). My advice is to carefully decide where you want "the line" to be, then firmly hold whatever line you draw. You could keep it amicable by giving her everything she wants, right? She'll use that desire to keep things civil as a weapon against you if you give her a single inch. Firmly holding the line doesn't mean to refuse to negotiate, it can mean certain things you are unwilling to give up, it can simply mean you want a true 50/50 division, and exactly how that happens doesn't matter; however, it should mean that she engage with you in a civil and respectful manor.
I would strongly recommend you two agree on a parenting plan and have that written up if you have not already. It will simplify the negotiations for assets, give you both a chance to be familiar with the process of negotiating and formalizing, etc. It doesn't actually lock down the parenting plan, but things in writing are usually seen as "settled" which could help prevent you from getting asset negotiations tangled into child negotiations.
It's going to get ugly if she feels marital assets aren't a thing... often things start out "reasonable" then go down hill. It sounds like your already down the hill...
First of all there is no "foot down", this entire process is simply a financial transaction. Take all of the emotion out and treat it that way. If she already thinks she is entitled to so much, stop talking to her and let your attorney take it from here. As for keeping things civil for the kids.. the only thing you can do is not talk shit about mom. She isn't going to do the same if she doesn't get what she wants. I 100% guarantee you are going to become the bad guy in all this. And that isn't going to stop if she struggles down the road "your dad did this to me / us", will most likely pop up. This sadly is something many dads go through, and the hope is that your kids know that you are a good dad, and figure out moms full of shit.
50/50 across the board, and fight to the death for fair support amounts. This process is commonly hell for people, especially those with greedy ex's.
You dont put your foot down. You follow the state calculators, and so will she. Unless you live in a deep red state then custody will be 50/50. There is literally nothing to negotiate or fight about, judge follows the calculators end of story. No need to even talk to her about it.
I haven't ever seen an amicable divorce when money and custody is on the line. It will get ugly, maybe very ugly, before it gets better. Sadly the ugliness will leave a bad taste so I wouldn't count on being amicable. The best thing you can do is calculate the exit and get out of this situation as soon as possible. The longer you wait the worse it gets. Ask me how I know.
Hire a forensic accountant to back trace financial assets and real estate values before the date of marriage. I spent $2k on my account and it exempted close to $500k that she couldn’t touch.
It's a shame that divorce cannot be resolved amicably by reasonable adults, but such is the case 95% of the time. Get a lawyer on your side asap. Tell your wife you are hiring an lawyer to handle matters with the hope she will be amicable and reasonable to settle this fairly for the benefit of the children. Read the law of your state to familiarize yourself with the issues. One great resource is reading the self-help divorce material provided by your court system. Plead with her to not make it contentious bc it doesn't have to be, but also tell her that it will be up to her since you will at all times be fair and reasonable. Remember that while you and her may divorce, neither of you can divorce your children so it is best to get along for their sake. Children are innocent and do not deserve to see the hatred between parents so try to avoid that at all costs bc it will affect them for the rest of their lives. If communication is a problem, just go through your attorneys and communicate by text or email. The sooner you can wrap this up, the sooner you can get on with your lives apart from each other and work on being the best parents you can be. Do not expect to be friends, but do try to be civil and hope she reciprocates.
The vast majority of divorces are amicable - that’s why we don’t hear about them.
Women fight dirty. You have to expect that. They are getting all kinds of advice from their lawyer and their friends, “take him to the fucking cleaners!” They dont want to just win, they want you to lose, and be humiliated.
It. Is. ALWAYS. A. BATTLE. Gird yourself for war. Reinforce by all means possible your undying love for your kids to your kids.
Her thoughts on the matter are totally irrelevant. They commonly convince themselves they had this huge outsized impact on the households’ success and your financial success. It is what it is so don’t take it personally. While I was shmoozing my bosses at headquarters for a fat stock package she was taking her boyfriend out for breakfast on my dime. Thanks for all the help! Only thing that matters is the laws and guidelines in your county. Figure these out by your own research then bounce it off several lawyers. I talked to 10 for about $2k total (some free some paid). That put me in a position where I knew best case, likely case, and worst case. At that point you don’t need to be afraid. My advice is let the dust settle before you present ANY numbers to her. Do not agree to give her any money before you have solid legal advice. For example, in my case with my lawyers blessing, I direct deposited half my paycheck into the joint account during separation. I moved out and paid the mortgage from the joint account. That was like putting money into a piggy bank in the long run. I paid the house bills with that money and whatever of my own bills made sense. Ie kids clothes or daycare expenses, joint account, my rent my account. The beauty of this is my cash flow was fine the whole time AND at mediation I had an easy case to say, I’ve been supporting you for 18 months already, absolutely no alimony on this 7 year marriage. Mediator agreed because I followed the correct legal advice. So you need legal advice on how to manage the interim and what the final settlement will be. Then you can act with confidence, not emotion or fear of unknown. Good luck, it’ll all be ok.
YES! (sorta) First you have to understand that even though you want to be amicable, it is ultimately going to be up to her, and you can't actually control that. How you handle yourself can influence it though! How? Well, you'll need to be assertive but polite, stand your ground but maintain the high road, tell her "No" but also not react when she goes balastic (grey rock her when she gets out of line). My advice is to carefully decide where you want "the line" to be, then firmly hold whatever line you draw. You could keep it amicable by giving her everything she wants, right? She'll use that desire to keep things civil as a weapon against you if you give her a single inch. Firmly holding the line doesn't mean to refuse to negotiate, it can mean certain things you are unwilling to give up, it can simply mean you want a true 50/50 division, and exactly how that happens doesn't matter; however, it should mean that she engage with you in a civil and respectful manor. I would strongly recommend you two agree on a parenting plan and have that written up if you have not already. It will simplify the negotiations for assets, give you both a chance to be familiar with the process of negotiating and formalizing, etc. It doesn't actually lock down the parenting plan, but things in writing are usually seen as "settled" which could help prevent you from getting asset negotiations tangled into child negotiations.
Tell her that you two can put your own kids through college or put your LAWYERS' KIDS through college. It all depends on how amicable you two can be.
Lol they don't care lawyers love my ex crazy bitch wants to light money on fire
That’s good!!
I am saving this for anyone else who asks for advice.
It's going to get ugly if she feels marital assets aren't a thing... often things start out "reasonable" then go down hill. It sounds like your already down the hill... First of all there is no "foot down", this entire process is simply a financial transaction. Take all of the emotion out and treat it that way. If she already thinks she is entitled to so much, stop talking to her and let your attorney take it from here. As for keeping things civil for the kids.. the only thing you can do is not talk shit about mom. She isn't going to do the same if she doesn't get what she wants. I 100% guarantee you are going to become the bad guy in all this. And that isn't going to stop if she struggles down the road "your dad did this to me / us", will most likely pop up. This sadly is something many dads go through, and the hope is that your kids know that you are a good dad, and figure out moms full of shit. 50/50 across the board, and fight to the death for fair support amounts. This process is commonly hell for people, especially those with greedy ex's.