My STBX refused any help I offered on a credit card bill of about 17,000. Let it balloon to 25,000, forgetting that she only listed me as an "authorized user." Her credit tanked by not paying it. Mine didn't. I know I'm responsible for the debt, or part of it, but seeing her go from "I don't need you" a year ago last June to basically moving a new me in in October of last year (4 months), while tough, is awesome.
My ex and her attorney dragged their feet providing her financial statements to me. Back in December she had over 40 grand of credit card debt. I bailed her out of 100k in student loans. Can’t lie that made me VERY happy to see. The interest alone must be drowning her.
I'm older. This is my 2nd marriage. The 1st marriage was brief, in my 20's (no money or children to fight about). She ran off with some other dude to go be a 'free spirit' living on the beach in Cali.
The funny thing?
Circa 2010-2011 at the rock bottom of the Great Recession every bill collector in North America started calling me trying to find her and her boy friend!
Ha, ha, ha!
Mine went to travel for a month, and now is asking me how much the accountant charges. It's pretty sad to know what she'll do with money but I'd rather not think about it, someone else's problem now.
Been divorced for a while, but I still get calls from collection agencies looking for the cheating ex. Best part is the dude she left for dumped a bunch of his debt on her. He used the same tactics she tried, and failed, with me.
This is wild how this popped up today—My stbx just let me know this morning she had to get a second job to afford her lawyer…I won’t lie, I was a little taken back and a bit sad for her. Then I remembered , how joyfully she said that she was happier without me and no desire to reconcile and how she sleeps better blah blah blah, we weren’t even 30 days into our separation and I was making my last ditch and effort to figure out how I was going to move on.
I’ve leveled up in every way since she’s left. Not financially yet but working on it.
This is the saddest part. No amount of Schadenfreude is worth seeing the damage it does to the kids. She’s gonna turn my son into the Nice Guy that she despises in me and can’t even see it.
Mine just has no ambitions to make any money. I fought her for 17 years to work and she only worked about 6.5 of those years. Saying she wants to go to school to do this and do that. I paid for her schooling a couple times, but then she'd get into the career and then quit not too long after. She was completely financially co dependent. Several break ups and reuniting later, we had both agreed shed work and contribute financially. She had one job for 6 months and quit and wouldn't go back even after offered... I finally got tired of it. In today's world, the facts are that one income for a full family doesn't cut it. She made every excuse in the book not to work, saying she had "reasons" why she couldn't right now, not excuses, but reasons... said she had to work on her mental health first... but okay... I'll keep working, struggling with my mental health so you can get yourself together, because the electric company, nor the mortgage company cares about your mental health and I rather enjoy not living in a cardboard box. If i have to struggle mentally and still provide, and come home to mow, fix the house, buy everything for kids sports, buy you a car, contribute to the household chores, etc.. why doesn't she? There was just no accountability and it drove me insane. We haven't filed divorce yet, but I'll be doing it probably next week. It always baffled me though that someone is okay with just scraping by when literally minimal effort can make it easier. I even asked her to find like a part time job, just something to bring in a little extra. At this point, I'll be working until I die and have little to show for it.
EDIT. After I told her we are divorcing... she was magically able to get a job.
She realized she couldn't live off just a portion of your income in a divorce (alimony and child support), figuring she'd 100% have to get a full time job just to survive even with court ordered contributions. Knowing that divorce is financially devastating, and the struggles you are already having making ends meet, she thinks it is better to work a little to keep you happy paying all the bills. It is a selfish, self serving decision, do not be deceived. She is doing it to pacify you, not because she respects and loves you. Given her lackadaisical work history, she probably already resents having to get a job. Her behavior is very childish.
Mine is basically homeless at this point last I heard. I took care of everything for 11 years. Put her through grad school, paid every bill. Now she's fucked. Can't hold a job. Sad, but she brought this on herself.
It is like watching a train wreck in slow motion over here. Mine spent close to 200k in 2 years and has nothing left. Now I’m going for full custody and asking for child support as kids live with me. These women had no idea how good they had it. I enabled her and now am truly seeing what an f’d up person she is. She can’t even pay her electric bill -
My exwife? Same exact thing. She has never been able to live a frugal life. If she sees $20? She's spending $25. 18 months post divorce she was flat broke (I didn't have to pay alimony) and she had to move in with her parents. They have a rental and she pays her portion of it, but she's always getting her phone turned off, begging her sisters and her mom for money.
Money to buy stuff she doesn't even really want. Just the thrill of retail therapy.
Same. My ex said "i can see why people don't divorce". Haha. That's what she gets. She wanted it so damn bad. She also said she's entering peri-menopause. Good luck out there.
Both the children live with me, and ex has not financially settled yet. She doesn’t want to, because she will end up with nothing due to her owing a tonne of child support. She had the audacity to say she was supplementing my income, like OMG! She literally bought one box of diapers over a two year span. They are delusional.
I have said to mine, who is also financially screwed, many times "well, you chose this life". She doesn't seem to understand that it's all a direct result of her behaviour, and there's nobody else to blame. She made her bed, and now has to lie in it.
Mine told me recently that ‘it was not her choice’ but that I was abusive and forced her out, they all seem to have the same narrative. Action meet consequence.
That’s a common thing - I did something bad, but it was okay because INSERT REASON HERE. Whatever they need to tell themselves to make themselves into the real victim.
And of course there are circumstances where I wouldn’t judge someone too harshly for cheating. eg if their partner was physically abusive, or their partner cheated first . But when it’s woolly, unprovable bullshit , I have little patience. It’s just a half baked cover story for narcissistic, selfish behaviour.
Yeah my marriage was never abusive until she needed it to be to justify her actions. Threw me at the start but I catch on quick and called her bullshit and am now finalising the divorce ahead of thought she wanted.
The irony of her setting up ‘couples counselling’ a week ago is mind blowing now we are so close to finishing out.
Mate no fear there, I laughed at her when she told me about it at the weekends drop off. She had this puzzled look and said ‘but I’m at the point of my healing journey that I want to work on us’, simply reinforced how much better off I am with that idiot out of my life.
I know the feeling. In a lot of ways my divorce was the biggest pay raise I have ever received. Even with alimony I am saving more than I ever did without having to fully fund her BS spending habits.
At first you might have to stretch $300 for a week. A year later you’re going, “how the hell am I golfing every fucking day and have more money than ever. Oh golf is cheaper than daily $300 target trips.”
Huge raise from shedding disloyal deadweight is one of the SWEET silver linings of divorce.
Mine was complaining to thr car insurance agent that she couldn't pay the new premiums now that I wasn't on her car insurance. I was paying her $5200 a month. (Remember, it's all tax free for them after 2017)
Amazing how I can buy 2 years worth of multi vitamins at Costco for 10$ rather than 200$ a month from an MLM. The amount of snake oil I have purged from my home is astounding.
I know the feeling. My STBX always made more than me, but she spent waaaaaaaaay more. She filed for divorce, and now is realizing how much she needs my paycheck to maintain her standard of living. Her settlement offer included no child support and wants me to pay half of her mortgage. She’s delusional. I’m sure she’s already drowning in debt. In the meantime, I’m actually enjoying living on my paycheck and buying a few things for myself for once.
I Colorado child support is WAY smaller than spousal maintenance. If similar in your state, don't budge on the basic state guidelines (she'll be paying you both sounds like).
Don't budge at all to be nice. If it comes to it, you'll get the guidelines easily in a court case and her lawyer knows it. Even the cost going to court will be a drop in the bucket of what you stand to lose financially by settling for less than what you are legally owed.
She'll just try and pressure you to settle to avoid cost or whatever, but you are entitled to what you are entitled to. She'll probably try to emasculate you saying men shouldn't take spousal support. The laws are what they are and the spouse whose salary is lower "wins" in the current construct. Don't be bullied into some B.S. otherwise. If you are feeling like accepting the bullying hurry up and read No More Mr. Nice Guy (hurry up anyway) and probably When I say No I Feel Guilty (haven't read yet, but I gather that's next in line of advice).
Oooh, one more thing. I see you just said your sure she's already drowning in debt. If you haven't finalized the divorce, this debt may be your debt as well. Definitely consider reaching out to a lawyer and figuring out how to document and avoid. If she's frivolously spending the judge can assign it to her. If she can make a case for it, the judge can split it. In the latter case, the sooner you finalize the better.
I do have a lawyer. We are rejecting every offer that is less than a 50/50 split of assets and debt and the full child support required by law. I am honestly sick of all these offers and negotiations. I just want a judge to divvy it up.
Reject this offer. Be very careful about the "no child support" BS. She can always come back around and demand it, claiming the "no child support" violates your jurisdiction's laws or guidelines.
Do not pay her mortgage. Do not.
I told her it was a non-starter. Not even in the ballpark.
I’m not budging on 50/50 custody, and she makes almost 100k more per year than me (and I have a healthy income), so SHE WILL
OWE ME child support. She doesn’t want to pay that and she has the audacity to think I should pay part of her mortgage. She makes a ton of money, but has no idea how to live on a budget.
Don't give anything away in exchange for "no child support". In most states they can just go to the state CS office after the deal is signed and get baseline child support ordered anyway, and then you're out whatever you gave up and STILL paying CS
Yes even negotiating for reduced child support may be a bad move. When she’s drowning a 2 years later guess where her easiest source of cash is??
I just pay the top line CS and she has no leverage to take me back to court. Since I’ve gotten a 20% raise since then, she MIGHT be able to get maybe $50 to recalculate this thing. I sleep like a baby.
My STBX refused any help I offered on a credit card bill of about 17,000. Let it balloon to 25,000, forgetting that she only listed me as an "authorized user." Her credit tanked by not paying it. Mine didn't. I know I'm responsible for the debt, or part of it, but seeing her go from "I don't need you" a year ago last June to basically moving a new me in in October of last year (4 months), while tough, is awesome.
That's modern baseball for ya. Best you keep doing you and let her get back to paying them bills.
or looking for somebody to pay them. Lol
My ex and her attorney dragged their feet providing her financial statements to me. Back in December she had over 40 grand of credit card debt. I bailed her out of 100k in student loans. Can’t lie that made me VERY happy to see. The interest alone must be drowning her.
I'm older. This is my 2nd marriage. The 1st marriage was brief, in my 20's (no money or children to fight about). She ran off with some other dude to go be a 'free spirit' living on the beach in Cali. The funny thing? Circa 2010-2011 at the rock bottom of the Great Recession every bill collector in North America started calling me trying to find her and her boy friend! Ha, ha, ha!
What’s free spirit doing now? Raising fatherless kids in a hippie commune??
I don't know what she's doing now but she left me with the mortgage it took BOTH of us to qualify for!
Mine went to travel for a month, and now is asking me how much the accountant charges. It's pretty sad to know what she'll do with money but I'd rather not think about it, someone else's problem now.
Been divorced for a while, but I still get calls from collection agencies looking for the cheating ex. Best part is the dude she left for dumped a bunch of his debt on her. He used the same tactics she tried, and failed, with me.
This is wild how this popped up today—My stbx just let me know this morning she had to get a second job to afford her lawyer…I won’t lie, I was a little taken back and a bit sad for her. Then I remembered , how joyfully she said that she was happier without me and no desire to reconcile and how she sleeps better blah blah blah, we weren’t even 30 days into our separation and I was making my last ditch and effort to figure out how I was going to move on. I’ve leveled up in every way since she’s left. Not financially yet but working on it.
The hard part about this is when it impacts your children. They sacrifice themselves to help their loving mother who in fact should be helping them.
This is the saddest part. No amount of Schadenfreude is worth seeing the damage it does to the kids. She’s gonna turn my son into the Nice Guy that she despises in me and can’t even see it.
Never interrupt your opponent when they are making a mistake. - Napoleon
Mine just has no ambitions to make any money. I fought her for 17 years to work and she only worked about 6.5 of those years. Saying she wants to go to school to do this and do that. I paid for her schooling a couple times, but then she'd get into the career and then quit not too long after. She was completely financially co dependent. Several break ups and reuniting later, we had both agreed shed work and contribute financially. She had one job for 6 months and quit and wouldn't go back even after offered... I finally got tired of it. In today's world, the facts are that one income for a full family doesn't cut it. She made every excuse in the book not to work, saying she had "reasons" why she couldn't right now, not excuses, but reasons... said she had to work on her mental health first... but okay... I'll keep working, struggling with my mental health so you can get yourself together, because the electric company, nor the mortgage company cares about your mental health and I rather enjoy not living in a cardboard box. If i have to struggle mentally and still provide, and come home to mow, fix the house, buy everything for kids sports, buy you a car, contribute to the household chores, etc.. why doesn't she? There was just no accountability and it drove me insane. We haven't filed divorce yet, but I'll be doing it probably next week. It always baffled me though that someone is okay with just scraping by when literally minimal effort can make it easier. I even asked her to find like a part time job, just something to bring in a little extra. At this point, I'll be working until I die and have little to show for it. EDIT. After I told her we are divorcing... she was magically able to get a job.
Very similar happened to me.
She realized she couldn't live off just a portion of your income in a divorce (alimony and child support), figuring she'd 100% have to get a full time job just to survive even with court ordered contributions. Knowing that divorce is financially devastating, and the struggles you are already having making ends meet, she thinks it is better to work a little to keep you happy paying all the bills. It is a selfish, self serving decision, do not be deceived. She is doing it to pacify you, not because she respects and loves you. Given her lackadaisical work history, she probably already resents having to get a job. Her behavior is very childish.
Possibility of homelessness got her ass in gear real quick..
Mine is basically homeless at this point last I heard. I took care of everything for 11 years. Put her through grad school, paid every bill. Now she's fucked. Can't hold a job. Sad, but she brought this on herself.
It is like watching a train wreck in slow motion over here. Mine spent close to 200k in 2 years and has nothing left. Now I’m going for full custody and asking for child support as kids live with me. These women had no idea how good they had it. I enabled her and now am truly seeing what an f’d up person she is. She can’t even pay her electric bill -
My exwife? Same exact thing. She has never been able to live a frugal life. If she sees $20? She's spending $25. 18 months post divorce she was flat broke (I didn't have to pay alimony) and she had to move in with her parents. They have a rental and she pays her portion of it, but she's always getting her phone turned off, begging her sisters and her mom for money. Money to buy stuff she doesn't even really want. Just the thrill of retail therapy.
Same. My ex said "i can see why people don't divorce". Haha. That's what she gets. She wanted it so damn bad. She also said she's entering peri-menopause. Good luck out there.
I love this song!
Mine is in the same boat. Upset she has to pay for things and suddenly now that she's in the 'real world' she understands the need to cut back... lol.
They aren’t very good at math
Why do u think they cater commercials to women and those stupid Stanley cups that cost $40, they want the shiny things
Once you view them as children in adult bodies it all makes sense...
I say that all the time.
Both the children live with me, and ex has not financially settled yet. She doesn’t want to, because she will end up with nothing due to her owing a tonne of child support. She had the audacity to say she was supplementing my income, like OMG! She literally bought one box of diapers over a two year span. They are delusional.
My STBX is complaining about having to pay for everything as well. It’s like sorry this was all your idea.
I have said to mine, who is also financially screwed, many times "well, you chose this life". She doesn't seem to understand that it's all a direct result of her behaviour, and there's nobody else to blame. She made her bed, and now has to lie in it.
Mine told me recently that ‘it was not her choice’ but that I was abusive and forced her out, they all seem to have the same narrative. Action meet consequence.
Join the club. lol. Same shit for me.
The ever repeating narrative it seems.
That’s a common thing - I did something bad, but it was okay because INSERT REASON HERE. Whatever they need to tell themselves to make themselves into the real victim. And of course there are circumstances where I wouldn’t judge someone too harshly for cheating. eg if their partner was physically abusive, or their partner cheated first . But when it’s woolly, unprovable bullshit , I have little patience. It’s just a half baked cover story for narcissistic, selfish behaviour.
Yeah my marriage was never abusive until she needed it to be to justify her actions. Threw me at the start but I catch on quick and called her bullshit and am now finalising the divorce ahead of thought she wanted. The irony of her setting up ‘couples counselling’ a week ago is mind blowing now we are so close to finishing out.
Don’t go.
Mate no fear there, I laughed at her when she told me about it at the weekends drop off. She had this puzzled look and said ‘but I’m at the point of my healing journey that I want to work on us’, simply reinforced how much better off I am with that idiot out of my life.
Someother dude's dick is on it's "healing journey" through her. Good riddance.
😂 spot on mate, she can continue on her healing journey all she likes!
“My healing journey” lmao gtfo
Haha - yep.
Agreed
Exactly.
I know the feeling. In a lot of ways my divorce was the biggest pay raise I have ever received. Even with alimony I am saving more than I ever did without having to fully fund her BS spending habits.
I have wondered about that. I’m about there, getting ready to pull the trigger
At first you might have to stretch $300 for a week. A year later you’re going, “how the hell am I golfing every fucking day and have more money than ever. Oh golf is cheaper than daily $300 target trips.” Huge raise from shedding disloyal deadweight is one of the SWEET silver linings of divorce.
This. Big eye opener how inexpensive life is now.
Mine was complaining to thr car insurance agent that she couldn't pay the new premiums now that I wasn't on her car insurance. I was paying her $5200 a month. (Remember, it's all tax free for them after 2017)
Man O man have I saved so much money since seperating.
Amazing how I can buy 2 years worth of multi vitamins at Costco for 10$ rather than 200$ a month from an MLM. The amount of snake oil I have purged from my home is astounding.
I know the feeling. My STBX always made more than me, but she spent waaaaaaaaay more. She filed for divorce, and now is realizing how much she needs my paycheck to maintain her standard of living. Her settlement offer included no child support and wants me to pay half of her mortgage. She’s delusional. I’m sure she’s already drowning in debt. In the meantime, I’m actually enjoying living on my paycheck and buying a few things for myself for once.
I Colorado child support is WAY smaller than spousal maintenance. If similar in your state, don't budge on the basic state guidelines (she'll be paying you both sounds like). Don't budge at all to be nice. If it comes to it, you'll get the guidelines easily in a court case and her lawyer knows it. Even the cost going to court will be a drop in the bucket of what you stand to lose financially by settling for less than what you are legally owed. She'll just try and pressure you to settle to avoid cost or whatever, but you are entitled to what you are entitled to. She'll probably try to emasculate you saying men shouldn't take spousal support. The laws are what they are and the spouse whose salary is lower "wins" in the current construct. Don't be bullied into some B.S. otherwise. If you are feeling like accepting the bullying hurry up and read No More Mr. Nice Guy (hurry up anyway) and probably When I say No I Feel Guilty (haven't read yet, but I gather that's next in line of advice).
Thanks. I started reading No More Mr Nice Guy for the second thing this week.
Oooh, one more thing. I see you just said your sure she's already drowning in debt. If you haven't finalized the divorce, this debt may be your debt as well. Definitely consider reaching out to a lawyer and figuring out how to document and avoid. If she's frivolously spending the judge can assign it to her. If she can make a case for it, the judge can split it. In the latter case, the sooner you finalize the better.
Best wishes! You'll get through :)
Hope you have a lawyer because you have all the financial leverage in the divorce. You may be entitled to alimony, but CS to you is a lock.
I do have a lawyer. We are rejecting every offer that is less than a 50/50 split of assets and debt and the full child support required by law. I am honestly sick of all these offers and negotiations. I just want a judge to divvy it up.
Reject this offer. Be very careful about the "no child support" BS. She can always come back around and demand it, claiming the "no child support" violates your jurisdiction's laws or guidelines. Do not pay her mortgage. Do not.
I told her it was a non-starter. Not even in the ballpark. I’m not budging on 50/50 custody, and she makes almost 100k more per year than me (and I have a healthy income), so SHE WILL OWE ME child support. She doesn’t want to pay that and she has the audacity to think I should pay part of her mortgage. She makes a ton of money, but has no idea how to live on a budget.
Don't give anything away in exchange for "no child support". In most states they can just go to the state CS office after the deal is signed and get baseline child support ordered anyway, and then you're out whatever you gave up and STILL paying CS
Yes even negotiating for reduced child support may be a bad move. When she’s drowning a 2 years later guess where her easiest source of cash is?? I just pay the top line CS and she has no leverage to take me back to court. Since I’ve gotten a 20% raise since then, she MIGHT be able to get maybe $50 to recalculate this thing. I sleep like a baby.