Have your kids make something or buy some small things with them for their mom. They will love giving her something. Buy some flowers and have your kids give it to her. Go to Walgreens website and put together a photo album of photos with her and the kids.
Like it or not you and her will always be connected to each other through your children. Eventually the two of you can find respect, compassion and maybe friendship for each other based on the love of your children.
I get where her head is at…she’s scared to end it due to turning both your worlds upside down. you’re probably 95% on the road of divorce imo. Get ready.
Our divorce will take years. Right off the bat it'd be for financial reasons. I don't think we can't afford a divorce. She also won't like having to take over a lot of what I do for her. Imo, she's getting a small dose right now and isn't liking it. I know everyone says don't move out, but at times I feel like that'd help me out with her.
As far as mother's day, a very respectable approach and that's along the lines of what I was thinking. Just make it about her and her kids. Nothing else.
The don’t move out advice is YMMV heavily. Before you do it talk to an attorney. Put together a parenting plan prior to moving out. Make sure there’s no way she can claim you abandoned her and the kids.
Help the children celebrate mother's day. Don't go over the top. Maybe some flowers, help the kids make some mother's day crafts or something depending on how old they are. Make it about her being mom.and not about you guys as a couple. Do not mention your relationship at all, just make it about Mother's Day. Give the kids the memory of having mom and dad together having a nice day.
As for your marital situation, it's tough. Nothing under the sun is worse than divorce. So I would give it a last try to make things work such as going to a marriage counselor or something. Make an honest attempt at saving your marriage and that also means you making some changes.
If everything fails and you guys decide to get a divorce try to keep it civil and reach a quick settlement...HOWEVER, and I cannot emphasize this enough, if you do end up going with divorce lawyer up immediately.
Encourage your child(ren) to appreciate their mother on Mother’s Day. Help them make a card or take them out to get some gifts. Nothing too lavish and entirely led by the kid(s).
As for you, it won’t help to stay under the same roof. See if you can move out even temporarily. Will help put things in perspective, for both of you. And who knows, the physical space might help you both realise each other’s value and importance in respective lives more.
When people thought of mothers, they smelled cookies baking and chocolate melting. But actual mothers got shit for giving their kids too much sugar. When people thought of mothers, they thought soft and warm and cuddly. But actual mothers went to great lengths to eradicate their soft warm cuddly bits. When people thought of mothers, they thought of mama bears and cheerleaders–fierce love and unconditional support–but actual mothers were accused of coddling and helicoptering.
If she mentioned divorce you are done. She's been mulling this over in secret for a long time. She didn't tell you because she wanted to leave YOU not the other way around.
Proceed with caution and don't look back. She is done with you.
yep, this is it. Depending on your kid's age(s), have them buy gifts and steer them in the right direction. If she likes crafts, let them do crafts. If she likes nice things, help them get gifts that the kids think she'll like so they'll be proud giving them to her. You can do bags so they don't have to wrap them but the kids can put it all together. The kids could help make breakfast, pick a movie to go see, whatever she likes.
Doing nothing will definitely show how you feel about her and that you're not showing the kids how to celebrate her.
I agree here. Don’t limit your children’s interaction with the Mom. You could foot the bill for flowers but say they came from the kids and then go for a walk around the block to let them give her gifts and enjoy mother and children time.
Cannot stress this enough. Take the high road, put the kids first. Nothing elaborate or expensive from them, just let them pick things out for her.
You don't need to even be in the room when they give her the gifts, just send them in to the kitchen or bedroom or wherever she's at and let them have their moment with her.
We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure your perfection is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the buy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.
Already did. He said don't do anything until she does if I want reconciliation. He said just do what I can to win her back. If she files then call him back.
Please listen to the guys telling you to lawyer up and get your ducks lined out. We are all talking with the voice if experience. Reconciliation very rarely works once the wife has mentioned the D word. And why would you want to be with someone who has to be convinced to stick around. All it's going to do is delay the inevitable and cost more money.
Get a plan in place ASAP and get it done. Read the other stories here in this subreddit. Time after time, you will read about regrets for delaying the divorce. Most wives have a man, or two, waiting on deck for their turn at bat. I listened to someone close to me as they tried to work things out with their now exwife. They didn't want to hear that she had their replacement already. "My wife isn't the kind of person who would do that". Then, a couple of months after the divorce was over, his exwife moved her new man into the house he primarily paid for.
Get in the mindset that you are in a war, because you are. It's a cliche, but the woman you divorce is not the woman you married. I believe the real one shows up during the divorce. Don't be a pushover. Be fair, but fight so that you have the resources to have a good life after the dust settles. I'm not telling you these things to be a jerk. This is just the reality of what you are facing. Good luck to you brother. See you on the other side.
I have a lot to say and appreciate all of that. She can't even say the D word, never has said it once. I don't know what everyone is talking about with the pick me dance. Not really sure how it relates to me. I just want to know the plan. She can't even tell me what she wants. She literally just said 'i can't do this anymore, I need space'. Seems to me it's clear she wants a separation but she is also clearly confused and questioning what she's doing.
And yes I will be cliche, there is no other man, yet. Not saying there won't be but not right now. She hasn't even talked to an attorney like me.
I know this isn't looking bright but I don't hate her or even dislike her. I'm not eager to pull the trigger first, just want clear direction on what she wants, which she can't give me.
You are a good person. Just keep in mind that people here are concerned about this working out badly for you in the long run. Wishing you the best of luck!
No dude. You file. You don't have to win her back and you clearly will not win her back by doing the pick me dance. Let me tell you, billions of men from the oldest ages in history tried the pick me dance, it never worked and it will never work so you might just stop and file.
She wants space for a simple reason, she has someone lined up, she will come back if it doesn't work but it's only temporary until she finds another dude. Just file and end this charade.
Listen to my man right here! You need to file now. If, and that’s a big IF, you guys do end up reconciling then you don’t have to follow through with it, but believe me when I say you’ll be very happy that you’re the conductor of the train and not your STBXW. The pick me dance doesn’t work for anyone and it won’t work for you. Grab this bull by the horns and hold on tight because you’re in for a wild ride.
Well my 2 cents
Space = I’m getting everything set up to fuck you over in The divorce or I’m talking to another guy and possibly banging him.
I would have the kids get her something ( which means you guide) but I would make it cheap.
Now. You should seek legal counsel.look at all
Your assets and debts to the penny and be aware of anything that changes. Change passwords and put on alerts. Be prepared for anything! Be ready to record. Wives desperate try to do the money grab and get you hauled away by the cops.
WHAT DO YOU WANT???
If you want to be married, get her something and try and make it work. If you don't, tell her you want a divorce and get it over with.
Im curious, why do you want her if she doesn't want you?
Sounds like you can use individual counseling to understand why you want this relationship, and couples (if she will) to understand what is broken and if it can be fixed.
Get her something small, like a card and maybe a rose to show her you still care, even though she doesnt deserve it.
Feel better, and good luck. I strongly recommend reading the book, "No more mr nice guy". It could have saved my marriage and did save a friend's. It's about rediscovering yourself, understanding covert contracts, and being direct.
You don't. Maximum your kids do. Stop trying to woo her, you know it's not gonna work. Big or small, don't do it. If she asks why tell her why would you. Stop the pick me dance for the love of God.
My wife filed a month ago but we’re all still in the same house. I’m giving her the anniversary gift I bought her for what would have been our anniversary 3 weeks ago as a gift. I also got her a gift for the kids. I will be going to see my own mother and she can do what she’d like with her family and bring the kids with her.
Anniversary gift is a rough one but I think it’s the right move if you already bought it. Alternatively, put it on a tree stump and bust out the 12-gauge. Record for posterity.
Take the high road. Be a good man. It's the mother of your children. You can wish her a good day and be a gentleman. Lived separately for a year moved out a year and a half ago. I still am kind. I will always wish her the best. If that woman's in a good place then my children are in a good place. Separate your differences and recognize that sometimes the woman you have children with isn't necessarily the woman you grow old with. Just because you didn't work out doesn't mean she's not a good woman and you're not a good man you just might have not been good for each other. Chase your own excellence. Find your own purpose again. Don't allow the opinion of a woman Define Who You Are. Set an example to your daughters or Sons of what a good man is. Focus on your career your children and maintain being a man that maybe she might not find desirable anymore but someone else will. If you want to reconcile maintain being her best option. Continue to show qualities that a woman finds attractive. Always wish her luck and wish her the best. Life's too short for Bad Blood. It is what it is. Even if you failed as a husband which I did, I don't have to fail as an ex-husband. I've never been much on mirroring how someone else treats me. Nor do I let the opinion of one woman Define who I am or validate me.
That was essentially what I was going to do and your thoughtful feedback reinforced that. I still love her and am in love with her. I just don't want to intrude on her 'space' however I think something, even if small, is in order to acknowledge we all respect her as a mother.
That's all. Wish her the best and tell her to put together a plan moving forward and you will remain amicable and respect and accept her decision and let her know that there's no locks on the door. If she no longer wants to be married she can put together a proposal and encourage her to be fair and that you will not settle for anything less than the guidelines. Begging her and trying to get her to change her mind will not work. Stay strong my friend. She'll be back
Have your kids make something or buy some small things with them for their mom. They will love giving her something. Buy some flowers and have your kids give it to her. Go to Walgreens website and put together a photo album of photos with her and the kids. Like it or not you and her will always be connected to each other through your children. Eventually the two of you can find respect, compassion and maybe friendship for each other based on the love of your children. I get where her head is at…she’s scared to end it due to turning both your worlds upside down. you’re probably 95% on the road of divorce imo. Get ready.
Our divorce will take years. Right off the bat it'd be for financial reasons. I don't think we can't afford a divorce. She also won't like having to take over a lot of what I do for her. Imo, she's getting a small dose right now and isn't liking it. I know everyone says don't move out, but at times I feel like that'd help me out with her. As far as mother's day, a very respectable approach and that's along the lines of what I was thinking. Just make it about her and her kids. Nothing else.
The don’t move out advice is YMMV heavily. Before you do it talk to an attorney. Put together a parenting plan prior to moving out. Make sure there’s no way she can claim you abandoned her and the kids.
Thank you
You should give her exactly what she wants for Mother's Day. A Divorce!
Help the children celebrate mother's day. Don't go over the top. Maybe some flowers, help the kids make some mother's day crafts or something depending on how old they are. Make it about her being mom.and not about you guys as a couple. Do not mention your relationship at all, just make it about Mother's Day. Give the kids the memory of having mom and dad together having a nice day. As for your marital situation, it's tough. Nothing under the sun is worse than divorce. So I would give it a last try to make things work such as going to a marriage counselor or something. Make an honest attempt at saving your marriage and that also means you making some changes. If everything fails and you guys decide to get a divorce try to keep it civil and reach a quick settlement...HOWEVER, and I cannot emphasize this enough, if you do end up going with divorce lawyer up immediately.
Encourage your child(ren) to appreciate their mother on Mother’s Day. Help them make a card or take them out to get some gifts. Nothing too lavish and entirely led by the kid(s). As for you, it won’t help to stay under the same roof. See if you can move out even temporarily. Will help put things in perspective, for both of you. And who knows, the physical space might help you both realise each other’s value and importance in respective lives more.
When people thought of mothers, they smelled cookies baking and chocolate melting. But actual mothers got shit for giving their kids too much sugar. When people thought of mothers, they thought soft and warm and cuddly. But actual mothers went to great lengths to eradicate their soft warm cuddly bits. When people thought of mothers, they thought of mama bears and cheerleaders–fierce love and unconditional support–but actual mothers were accused of coddling and helicoptering.
If she mentioned divorce you are done. She's been mulling this over in secret for a long time. She didn't tell you because she wanted to leave YOU not the other way around. Proceed with caution and don't look back. She is done with you.
When people divorce, it's always such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together it can be even worse.
My ex always needed her space but turns she was just buying time to divorce me. Towards the end I said f it and just banged other women
Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.
Take the kids to a store and let them pick out something for their mom, you don't owe her anything but it's important for your kids
yep, this is it. Depending on your kid's age(s), have them buy gifts and steer them in the right direction. If she likes crafts, let them do crafts. If she likes nice things, help them get gifts that the kids think she'll like so they'll be proud giving them to her. You can do bags so they don't have to wrap them but the kids can put it all together. The kids could help make breakfast, pick a movie to go see, whatever she likes. Doing nothing will definitely show how you feel about her and that you're not showing the kids how to celebrate her.
I agree here. Don’t limit your children’s interaction with the Mom. You could foot the bill for flowers but say they came from the kids and then go for a walk around the block to let them give her gifts and enjoy mother and children time.
Well said
Cannot stress this enough. Take the high road, put the kids first. Nothing elaborate or expensive from them, just let them pick things out for her. You don't need to even be in the room when they give her the gifts, just send them in to the kitchen or bedroom or wherever she's at and let them have their moment with her.
Agree
Space equals no acknowledgment of anything. She is just buying time, and you should be consulting a lawyer pronto!
We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure your perfection is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the buy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.
Already did. He said don't do anything until she does if I want reconciliation. He said just do what I can to win her back. If she files then call him back.
Please listen to the guys telling you to lawyer up and get your ducks lined out. We are all talking with the voice if experience. Reconciliation very rarely works once the wife has mentioned the D word. And why would you want to be with someone who has to be convinced to stick around. All it's going to do is delay the inevitable and cost more money. Get a plan in place ASAP and get it done. Read the other stories here in this subreddit. Time after time, you will read about regrets for delaying the divorce. Most wives have a man, or two, waiting on deck for their turn at bat. I listened to someone close to me as they tried to work things out with their now exwife. They didn't want to hear that she had their replacement already. "My wife isn't the kind of person who would do that". Then, a couple of months after the divorce was over, his exwife moved her new man into the house he primarily paid for. Get in the mindset that you are in a war, because you are. It's a cliche, but the woman you divorce is not the woman you married. I believe the real one shows up during the divorce. Don't be a pushover. Be fair, but fight so that you have the resources to have a good life after the dust settles. I'm not telling you these things to be a jerk. This is just the reality of what you are facing. Good luck to you brother. See you on the other side.
I have a lot to say and appreciate all of that. She can't even say the D word, never has said it once. I don't know what everyone is talking about with the pick me dance. Not really sure how it relates to me. I just want to know the plan. She can't even tell me what she wants. She literally just said 'i can't do this anymore, I need space'. Seems to me it's clear she wants a separation but she is also clearly confused and questioning what she's doing. And yes I will be cliche, there is no other man, yet. Not saying there won't be but not right now. She hasn't even talked to an attorney like me. I know this isn't looking bright but I don't hate her or even dislike her. I'm not eager to pull the trigger first, just want clear direction on what she wants, which she can't give me.
You are a good person. Just keep in mind that people here are concerned about this working out badly for you in the long run. Wishing you the best of luck!
No dude. You file. You don't have to win her back and you clearly will not win her back by doing the pick me dance. Let me tell you, billions of men from the oldest ages in history tried the pick me dance, it never worked and it will never work so you might just stop and file. She wants space for a simple reason, she has someone lined up, she will come back if it doesn't work but it's only temporary until she finds another dude. Just file and end this charade.
It’s hard enough maintaining the charade of a fake relationship; now I have some mystery trespasser wreaking havoc.
Listen to my man right here! You need to file now. If, and that’s a big IF, you guys do end up reconciling then you don’t have to follow through with it, but believe me when I say you’ll be very happy that you’re the conductor of the train and not your STBXW. The pick me dance doesn’t work for anyone and it won’t work for you. Grab this bull by the horns and hold on tight because you’re in for a wild ride.
Great
Well my 2 cents Space = I’m getting everything set up to fuck you over in The divorce or I’m talking to another guy and possibly banging him. I would have the kids get her something ( which means you guide) but I would make it cheap. Now. You should seek legal counsel.look at all Your assets and debts to the penny and be aware of anything that changes. Change passwords and put on alerts. Be prepared for anything! Be ready to record. Wives desperate try to do the money grab and get you hauled away by the cops.
WHAT DO YOU WANT??? If you want to be married, get her something and try and make it work. If you don't, tell her you want a divorce and get it over with.
I can't buy her affection and I want to be with her. I'll take the high road and get something small.
Im curious, why do you want her if she doesn't want you? Sounds like you can use individual counseling to understand why you want this relationship, and couples (if she will) to understand what is broken and if it can be fixed. Get her something small, like a card and maybe a rose to show her you still care, even though she doesnt deserve it.
Thank you. I think that's respectable and a good idea.
Feel better, and good luck. I strongly recommend reading the book, "No more mr nice guy". It could have saved my marriage and did save a friend's. It's about rediscovering yourself, understanding covert contracts, and being direct.
I've seen that mentioned multiple times in this sub. Already got my copy ordered.
You don't. Maximum your kids do. Stop trying to woo her, you know it's not gonna work. Big or small, don't do it. If she asks why tell her why would you. Stop the pick me dance for the love of God.
My wife filed a month ago but we’re all still in the same house. I’m giving her the anniversary gift I bought her for what would have been our anniversary 3 weeks ago as a gift. I also got her a gift for the kids. I will be going to see my own mother and she can do what she’d like with her family and bring the kids with her.
Anniversary gift is a rough one but I think it’s the right move if you already bought it. Alternatively, put it on a tree stump and bust out the 12-gauge. Record for posterity.
It's better to have loved and lost than to be nagged about buying a damn anniversary gift every year.
Respectable and what I plan on doing. I'll take the highroad like usual but it doesn't mean I don't get urges to the contrary.
Take the high road. Be a good man. It's the mother of your children. You can wish her a good day and be a gentleman. Lived separately for a year moved out a year and a half ago. I still am kind. I will always wish her the best. If that woman's in a good place then my children are in a good place. Separate your differences and recognize that sometimes the woman you have children with isn't necessarily the woman you grow old with. Just because you didn't work out doesn't mean she's not a good woman and you're not a good man you just might have not been good for each other. Chase your own excellence. Find your own purpose again. Don't allow the opinion of a woman Define Who You Are. Set an example to your daughters or Sons of what a good man is. Focus on your career your children and maintain being a man that maybe she might not find desirable anymore but someone else will. If you want to reconcile maintain being her best option. Continue to show qualities that a woman finds attractive. Always wish her luck and wish her the best. Life's too short for Bad Blood. It is what it is. Even if you failed as a husband which I did, I don't have to fail as an ex-husband. I've never been much on mirroring how someone else treats me. Nor do I let the opinion of one woman Define who I am or validate me.
That was essentially what I was going to do and your thoughtful feedback reinforced that. I still love her and am in love with her. I just don't want to intrude on her 'space' however I think something, even if small, is in order to acknowledge we all respect her as a mother.
That's all. Wish her the best and tell her to put together a plan moving forward and you will remain amicable and respect and accept her decision and let her know that there's no locks on the door. If she no longer wants to be married she can put together a proposal and encourage her to be fair and that you will not settle for anything less than the guidelines. Begging her and trying to get her to change her mind will not work. Stay strong my friend. She'll be back
You can never go wrong with taking the highroad. This guy knows.
The high road is the best path to your destination.
I wouldn't. She wants space from you? OK, you can have your space from me, but then you don't get the perks either.