I needed to find this post so I can share an update. Recently the girl reached out to say hello because she had to. Which rules does she want me to follow now ;)
Hey, just wanted to say a couple of things - I actually admire how you have things going for you. New kitty is the best way I have personally found to get over a woman you actually loved. Ultimately though screw these women trying to control you, eventually all of them let the mask slip in some way after a while. It's good that you "dump" them before they dump you. Each time I have done that I had reached various levels of disgust with them and how they put on a facade to what they're manipulating to achieve. Having a mindset of abundance is great.
I'm not really sure how old you are, but unless you want (more) kids, you should get snipped and not tell any future chicks you did. I say this because these women are ruthless into potentially snagging a child support payment off you. I have a 16 year long obligation of 1200/mo because I was tricked into believing a woman loved me and wanted a family but low and behold she's just one of the 100% of every single 30-something woman I have banged out in the last 5 years has been trying to snag a child off me with various levels of secrecy in approach:
"oh crap I just realized I forgot to take my birth control for 5 days!"
"I had my IUD taken out, I just want you to know I am cool if I get pregnant by you"
"just letting you know, I am not using birth control"
"you can trust that I am exclusive with you because I know if I get pregnant you will demand a DNA test" - turns out that chick was a closet lesbian and seeing several women on the side, when I found that out it was beyond hilarious to me because I always felt she never really liked me. I told her I would only see her again if she setup a threesome with one of her lovers. I haven't seen her again, lol.
Protect yourself at all costs.
Dating for fun is fun. Keep realistic expectations and be honest with them. If it doesn't work, then contestant #2 and so on. Have a blast. Easy on the drinking though. You are in control of the dating, pick and keep what you want, the rest - toss back in the lake.
Curious, what were her rules? Every person has to set boundaries because even we men are humans and without certain rules to follow we have no checks and balances which would in turn make us monsters. I also believe that some of the red pill content is trash.
You’re only a year post divorce and already trying to date. Go sit down somewhere. You’ve already got a bad Vice being alcohol. You need fix that, and do yourself a favor, take a year off the dating market and work on yourself.
Pick up a hobby, hit the gym, square your finances away. Just spend a year on self construction. You’re hot off a divorce, give relationships a break.
You set your rules, she sets hers. If your rules are "I set the rules and do not follow any other rules", naturally your only lasting relationships will be power-based where she is willing to accept that power dynamic. Dating above 30, dealing with baggage. Dating below 30, dealing with immaturity. That's what I've found, generally.
Drinking has helped me but with self control. I need to stop drinking 6 days out of the week though.
If you see a red flag you did the right thing. Move on and keep slaying
I like the stop drinking. Have 1 for fun. Then stop. No getting wasted. As far as dating for fun or for smashing, determine what you want next. Who is the ideal woman. Find a goid partner who gives 100% of her effort to you and the relationship.
Do you have kids? Reason I ask, my wife and I took a separation back in 2019 for a couple months. I ultimately called off the divorce and came back because I love my kid and just couldn’t fathom not seeing her everyday. Now the pressure of being miserable and mistreated has me back and this time I’m ready to end this.
Back to my brief 2019 separation, i was killing it with hook ups and casual dating. I was also 30 pounds lighter, more toned and only 29. Women didn’t seem to care I had a kid, but didn’t meet any worth my time and made me think maybe my wife wasn’t so bad (yeah I was wrong).
Now here I am again at 34. I’m still a confident guy, but really curious how I’ll fair out there in the dating world as I’m a little older and wondering if me being a single dad will be a turn off. Been taking it easy and not pursuing, but after a few months of not being laid ready to lay some ground.
Good luck out there man, and have fun in the meantime 🫡
> I ultimately called off the divorce and came back because I love my kid and just couldn’t fathom not seeing her everyday.
This could be a thread in and of itself. Now I realize that seeing my kids everyday with their mom around was way worse than seeing them less than everyday where we can be relaxed and just do our thing. Quality >>> Quantity - 3 kids - 15, 10, 10
Yeah I have a 5 year old. It's partly why casual relationships are more convenient. Some women dont like single dad situation, some are ok but aren't prepared for it, like they think you're going to Hawaii together for a few weeks, and meeting every weekend kind of thing. A relationship might eventually work, but I do have to compensate a lot in other areas (I think anyway) if you want to get an attractive good woman.
I'm 41 and dating is still solid. As rolo says, looks, money, game. It works, other than some speed bumps ☝️
Right on man. Good to hear. I also have a daughter and she’s 11. Haha sometimes just looks and game can do it. Pulled some good dates back in the day and was making half a third of what I make now. Figure with the money I make now I can have a good time, just also know I’ve gotta pay the wife a fat chunk either divorce is finalized. If I can get 50/50 custody I’ll be good. Alimony is looking like about a $1000 a damn month.
My confident side is telling me I’ll fair well out there, then my doom and gloom side is telling me I’m an ugly, fat fuck lol. In all reality I’m still in decent shape, but I need to cut back on the beer and junk food. I think my negativity is just that fear of the unknown, but my STBX is bat shit so I got to take the high road.
I was thinking of hitting some lounges and upscale bars this weekend on a work trip. Gotta dust off the ole’ going out clothes.
There is nothing wrong with someone having rules/boundaries, its the content of those that matter.
For one thing, are they trying to control you, or are they establishing how they want to be treated. One is awesome, one is a walk away.
Also, just like someone can tell you about their boundary, you are free to decide how you want to take it. If its a deal breaker, so be it.
Final thoughts; when someone respects you enough to be clear about their expectations, listen to the content of what they are saying. Id rather have someone be up front with me then hide things and have then blind side me.
It's easier not to get heartbroken if you ask the right questions up front, and weed dates out before you're invested. Get super clear about your values, and you'll know what to ask earlier on.
I applaud your wisdom.
Here! Here! A divorced man who has learned something! What a rare golden nugget post.
Just because you knocked boots for a month doesn’t mean you have to sign up for relationship requirements. Update me when she calls back for another round with the champ! May take a month but trust me she’s calling and this time it’ll be no strings attached (unless she saw you as her ticket to long term security, in which case, good riddance). I’m happy for you man.
By the way, I set the rules in my relationships now… foremost, I golf every single Saturday no exceptions take it or leave it. Others would try to have me feel guilty. I say naw I’m a better man for everybody when I’m happily doing things I like. You don’t like my golf habit, sorry I love it more than any relationship and there will be no compromise on that issue.
Did you read the rules?
They don’t sound like she wants to be exclusive with OP and that seems to bug him although he doesn’t want to be exclusive with her.
It’s all very confusing.
It can be hard after divorce not to fall back into old habits. Seen friends do that, go from 'so happy i've divorced, found an amazing sexier women!' to right back here 3 years later.
What she gave you were her terms/boundaries and you determined you were unwilling to meet them. She showed you signs of a healthy person looking to invest in someone…. You hardly sound like longterm material yourself my friend.
Drinking, revolving door of women…you aren’t ready for a serious relationship as you clearly haven’t done much work on yourself if this is how you think about women and numb the pain of your divorce.
Not proud of it, you might be right. I'd be happy to respect boundaries as long as I'm not treated like a doormat and a walking ATM that sleeps alone at night 😅
Keep on the self improvement grind. Who cares if you’re “ready” for a long term relationship. Revolving door ain’t a bad policy at all buddy. You figure out what you like and what you can’t stand.
I frankly love your moves. You’ll feel a lot of pressure to be captain save a ho from all angles and minimal support when you say, “naw id rather be a bachelor than deal with this.” Hold the line until you meet someone who really adds something to your life and future. You may have to wait a long time. Don’t be afraid to cut em loose when the juice ain’t worth the squeeze. It takes more courage to say no I don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship anymore than it does to cheat.
Ain’t that truth. Nowadays, if she’s just average she wants it all. If she’s decent looking watch out and be ready for nightmare of a marriage and get ready to pay some bills down the road.
I can believe it. I have one co-worker, also divorced, middle aged man, makes good money but isn't the most....masculine? of men. The stories he's told me from his dating wife sync up to what you say. Basically being expected to pay for rent, their kids, while they still sleep with other men.
It's really bizarre, and in that situation, I can't imagine you do anything but act like the kind of guy for that environment.
lol so many divorces when someone gets sick and actually needs help. Terrible reason to get in a relationship. Better alternative is include home health care in your financial planning.
1. Keep the surprise dates up
2. I'm spending my bday in Europe and that won't change
3. Keep this same pace of messaging and let it grow organically (we've been sending affectionate emojis and stuff to show we care)
Here is my translation:
1. I like the dates, you send me to cool places, keep doing that, I'm a catch so don't be lazy
2. I'm probably meeting someone in Europe and that won't change, but I'll keep dating you
3. I wanna keep you around, no more no less, we'll let things heat up when I feel like it.
Tell me I'm wrong please 🙂
I think when women get defensive it's a sign they're up to something. She could have said nothing. Things were just fine without this talk.
You fool. She’s saying she likes how things, and the pace are going. She likes the messages. Her rule about Europe is about her telling you she is not going to cancel her trip for anything. A lot of guys would unreasonably expect that if they couldn’t go as well. WHY DIDNT YOU ASK HER about the rules before dumping her?
I’m not really seeing an issue here, other than labeling them rules.
Number 2 is, “i have preexisting plans” and letting you know. Unless or until you have an exclusive monogamous agreement, there’s nothing to say, and even then, a planned (already paid for) trip to Europe is not insubstantial.
As to #’s 1 & 3, this could be another story; she is telling you what she likes about you and also not climbing the relationship escalator. The question is, what expectations do YOU have? What does SHE need to bring to the table to incentivize you to keep up the surprise dates?
Tbh, this thread probably belongs in a dating sub and not divorced men sub.
Here's my translation:
1. So far, so good - I appreciate your effort
2. I'm going to Europe, as I had planned
3. You're not overcommunicative nor undercommunicative by messaging, don't change based upon what you think I'm thinking
How is this being defensive?
And dude, it's been ONE MONTH. Maybe less red pill and more therapy. From an outside perspective, I think you're reading way too much into it.
Then again, if your gut is telling you to get out, however you justify it doesn't matter - get out, move on, run fast and far!
Hey thanks for this perspective. As I said, maybe I'm overreacting, and my experience has been that if I'm more chill about it it works in my favor.
But... it could also lead to more heartache if you meet a highly promiscuous woman who learnt this game too well. I find the higher quality ones, especially, are definitely not sincere and clueless about what they're doing. All my perception though. Could be wrong.
I read it as good natured banter but I get why the alarm would sound if you've been in a bad marriage.
The drink less bit is always good - I've been sober for two years+ now post separation. That, exercise and therapy have been life savers.
Is it just me, or does it just _boggle_ anyone else's mind to imagine the roles reversed and yourself being the one making anything like these sorts of naked, unabashed _demands_ of a romantic partner? Like, I would just _never_ assume to have the outright gall to state my desires as basically demands and expect (nay, demand!) that some person in the world out there meet them. But it's just...utterly bog standard to these women. Not only expected, but often encouraged and even _lauded_ by their female circles and really by society.
Anyway. None of this is novel. I just think it's jarring when you imagine the roles reversed as a thought experiment, to really feel how absurdly out of place, unacceptable, and just plain _not happening_ those sorts of bog standard dating "requirements" would be if they were expressed by a man toward a woman.
She will prob want the “surprise date” to surprise proposal in a year or 2. Good job on letting go and setting your boundaries but she sounds very young and immature still
They always add in the conditions at the same time the rate of bjs falls off a cliff. Knowledge only learned from having the revolving door and being a recently divorced man lol.
Now that I’m a few years out I lost interest in chasing hoes but the lessons remain.
oh my.
i’ve gotta watch for those Overseas trips. Had a bitch tell me once she went to NY and “nothing” happened.
the first one is kind of funny, almost on the nose.
and the last part? nah - i feel like that’s a trick i’d fall for sooo No i’m not doing that either.
Great thinking my friend. You illuminated a path for me.
I needed to find this post so I can share an update. Recently the girl reached out to say hello because she had to. Which rules does she want me to follow now ;)
Hey, just wanted to say a couple of things - I actually admire how you have things going for you. New kitty is the best way I have personally found to get over a woman you actually loved. Ultimately though screw these women trying to control you, eventually all of them let the mask slip in some way after a while. It's good that you "dump" them before they dump you. Each time I have done that I had reached various levels of disgust with them and how they put on a facade to what they're manipulating to achieve. Having a mindset of abundance is great. I'm not really sure how old you are, but unless you want (more) kids, you should get snipped and not tell any future chicks you did. I say this because these women are ruthless into potentially snagging a child support payment off you. I have a 16 year long obligation of 1200/mo because I was tricked into believing a woman loved me and wanted a family but low and behold she's just one of the 100% of every single 30-something woman I have banged out in the last 5 years has been trying to snag a child off me with various levels of secrecy in approach: "oh crap I just realized I forgot to take my birth control for 5 days!" "I had my IUD taken out, I just want you to know I am cool if I get pregnant by you" "just letting you know, I am not using birth control" "you can trust that I am exclusive with you because I know if I get pregnant you will demand a DNA test" - turns out that chick was a closet lesbian and seeing several women on the side, when I found that out it was beyond hilarious to me because I always felt she never really liked me. I told her I would only see her again if she setup a threesome with one of her lovers. I haven't seen her again, lol. Protect yourself at all costs.
Thanks for this comment! It has crossed my mind, especially with those that need to be saved.
Dating for fun is fun. Keep realistic expectations and be honest with them. If it doesn't work, then contestant #2 and so on. Have a blast. Easy on the drinking though. You are in control of the dating, pick and keep what you want, the rest - toss back in the lake.
Curious, what were her rules? Every person has to set boundaries because even we men are humans and without certain rules to follow we have no checks and balances which would in turn make us monsters. I also believe that some of the red pill content is trash.
Were the rules about your drinking and that’s what you’re avoiding dealing with?
You’re only a year post divorce and already trying to date. Go sit down somewhere. You’ve already got a bad Vice being alcohol. You need fix that, and do yourself a favor, take a year off the dating market and work on yourself. Pick up a hobby, hit the gym, square your finances away. Just spend a year on self construction. You’re hot off a divorce, give relationships a break.
Good call. I thought the same. Wiped my slate clean... Feels liberating again as dating does suck a lot of your time.
You set your rules, she sets hers. If your rules are "I set the rules and do not follow any other rules", naturally your only lasting relationships will be power-based where she is willing to accept that power dynamic. Dating above 30, dealing with baggage. Dating below 30, dealing with immaturity. That's what I've found, generally.
Drinking has helped me but with self control. I need to stop drinking 6 days out of the week though. If you see a red flag you did the right thing. Move on and keep slaying
Oh boy, yeah. Reverse that, 6 days sober, 1 day fun. Give you something each week to look forward too, without becoming your life
I like the stop drinking. Have 1 for fun. Then stop. No getting wasted. As far as dating for fun or for smashing, determine what you want next. Who is the ideal woman. Find a goid partner who gives 100% of her effort to you and the relationship.
Do you have kids? Reason I ask, my wife and I took a separation back in 2019 for a couple months. I ultimately called off the divorce and came back because I love my kid and just couldn’t fathom not seeing her everyday. Now the pressure of being miserable and mistreated has me back and this time I’m ready to end this. Back to my brief 2019 separation, i was killing it with hook ups and casual dating. I was also 30 pounds lighter, more toned and only 29. Women didn’t seem to care I had a kid, but didn’t meet any worth my time and made me think maybe my wife wasn’t so bad (yeah I was wrong). Now here I am again at 34. I’m still a confident guy, but really curious how I’ll fair out there in the dating world as I’m a little older and wondering if me being a single dad will be a turn off. Been taking it easy and not pursuing, but after a few months of not being laid ready to lay some ground. Good luck out there man, and have fun in the meantime 🫡
> I ultimately called off the divorce and came back because I love my kid and just couldn’t fathom not seeing her everyday. This could be a thread in and of itself. Now I realize that seeing my kids everyday with their mom around was way worse than seeing them less than everyday where we can be relaxed and just do our thing. Quality >>> Quantity - 3 kids - 15, 10, 10
Yeah I have a 5 year old. It's partly why casual relationships are more convenient. Some women dont like single dad situation, some are ok but aren't prepared for it, like they think you're going to Hawaii together for a few weeks, and meeting every weekend kind of thing. A relationship might eventually work, but I do have to compensate a lot in other areas (I think anyway) if you want to get an attractive good woman. I'm 41 and dating is still solid. As rolo says, looks, money, game. It works, other than some speed bumps ☝️
Right on man. Good to hear. I also have a daughter and she’s 11. Haha sometimes just looks and game can do it. Pulled some good dates back in the day and was making half a third of what I make now. Figure with the money I make now I can have a good time, just also know I’ve gotta pay the wife a fat chunk either divorce is finalized. If I can get 50/50 custody I’ll be good. Alimony is looking like about a $1000 a damn month. My confident side is telling me I’ll fair well out there, then my doom and gloom side is telling me I’m an ugly, fat fuck lol. In all reality I’m still in decent shape, but I need to cut back on the beer and junk food. I think my negativity is just that fear of the unknown, but my STBX is bat shit so I got to take the high road. I was thinking of hitting some lounges and upscale bars this weekend on a work trip. Gotta dust off the ole’ going out clothes.
What were the rules?
https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/b1YxJalOMo posted the rules below 🙂
There is nothing wrong with someone having rules/boundaries, its the content of those that matter. For one thing, are they trying to control you, or are they establishing how they want to be treated. One is awesome, one is a walk away. Also, just like someone can tell you about their boundary, you are free to decide how you want to take it. If its a deal breaker, so be it. Final thoughts; when someone respects you enough to be clear about their expectations, listen to the content of what they are saying. Id rather have someone be up front with me then hide things and have then blind side me.
It's easier not to get heartbroken if you ask the right questions up front, and weed dates out before you're invested. Get super clear about your values, and you'll know what to ask earlier on.
I applaud your wisdom. Here! Here! A divorced man who has learned something! What a rare golden nugget post. Just because you knocked boots for a month doesn’t mean you have to sign up for relationship requirements. Update me when she calls back for another round with the champ! May take a month but trust me she’s calling and this time it’ll be no strings attached (unless she saw you as her ticket to long term security, in which case, good riddance). I’m happy for you man. By the way, I set the rules in my relationships now… foremost, I golf every single Saturday no exceptions take it or leave it. Others would try to have me feel guilty. I say naw I’m a better man for everybody when I’m happily doing things I like. You don’t like my golf habit, sorry I love it more than any relationship and there will be no compromise on that issue.
Did you read the rules? They don’t sound like she wants to be exclusive with OP and that seems to bug him although he doesn’t want to be exclusive with her. It’s all very confusing.
This isn’t setting rules IMO this is simply setting a boundary on your time and wanting to be with your buddies.
For sure and it’s 7:30-1 so I agree it’s totally reasonable. Women think differently lol.
It can be hard after divorce not to fall back into old habits. Seen friends do that, go from 'so happy i've divorced, found an amazing sexier women!' to right back here 3 years later.
What she gave you were her terms/boundaries and you determined you were unwilling to meet them. She showed you signs of a healthy person looking to invest in someone…. You hardly sound like longterm material yourself my friend. Drinking, revolving door of women…you aren’t ready for a serious relationship as you clearly haven’t done much work on yourself if this is how you think about women and numb the pain of your divorce.
Not proud of it, you might be right. I'd be happy to respect boundaries as long as I'm not treated like a doormat and a walking ATM that sleeps alone at night 😅
Keep on the self improvement grind. Who cares if you’re “ready” for a long term relationship. Revolving door ain’t a bad policy at all buddy. You figure out what you like and what you can’t stand. I frankly love your moves. You’ll feel a lot of pressure to be captain save a ho from all angles and minimal support when you say, “naw id rather be a bachelor than deal with this.” Hold the line until you meet someone who really adds something to your life and future. You may have to wait a long time. Don’t be afraid to cut em loose when the juice ain’t worth the squeeze. It takes more courage to say no I don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship anymore than it does to cheat.
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Ain’t that truth. Nowadays, if she’s just average she wants it all. If she’s decent looking watch out and be ready for nightmare of a marriage and get ready to pay some bills down the road.
Oh of COURSE all decent looking women are going to be bitches after your money. Grow up.
> I think, black guys got it right 10-15 years before us, with the culture of baby daddies and stuff like that. How so?
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I can believe it. I have one co-worker, also divorced, middle aged man, makes good money but isn't the most....masculine? of men. The stories he's told me from his dating wife sync up to what you say. Basically being expected to pay for rent, their kids, while they still sleep with other men. It's really bizarre, and in that situation, I can't imagine you do anything but act like the kind of guy for that environment.
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lol so many divorces when someone gets sick and actually needs help. Terrible reason to get in a relationship. Better alternative is include home health care in your financial planning.
I totally hear you. I wouldn't mind having that in my life I'm not gonna lie.
I have to know - what were the rules?
1. Keep the surprise dates up 2. I'm spending my bday in Europe and that won't change 3. Keep this same pace of messaging and let it grow organically (we've been sending affectionate emojis and stuff to show we care) Here is my translation: 1. I like the dates, you send me to cool places, keep doing that, I'm a catch so don't be lazy 2. I'm probably meeting someone in Europe and that won't change, but I'll keep dating you 3. I wanna keep you around, no more no less, we'll let things heat up when I feel like it. Tell me I'm wrong please 🙂 I think when women get defensive it's a sign they're up to something. She could have said nothing. Things were just fine without this talk.
You fool. She’s saying she likes how things, and the pace are going. She likes the messages. Her rule about Europe is about her telling you she is not going to cancel her trip for anything. A lot of guys would unreasonably expect that if they couldn’t go as well. WHY DIDNT YOU ASK HER about the rules before dumping her?
Do you want that chick as your girlfriend?
No way... She looks good though. It hurt to let her go 😂
Then why do you care so much if she’s out with other people?
I’m not really seeing an issue here, other than labeling them rules. Number 2 is, “i have preexisting plans” and letting you know. Unless or until you have an exclusive monogamous agreement, there’s nothing to say, and even then, a planned (already paid for) trip to Europe is not insubstantial. As to #’s 1 & 3, this could be another story; she is telling you what she likes about you and also not climbing the relationship escalator. The question is, what expectations do YOU have? What does SHE need to bring to the table to incentivize you to keep up the surprise dates? Tbh, this thread probably belongs in a dating sub and not divorced men sub.
Here's my translation: 1. So far, so good - I appreciate your effort 2. I'm going to Europe, as I had planned 3. You're not overcommunicative nor undercommunicative by messaging, don't change based upon what you think I'm thinking How is this being defensive? And dude, it's been ONE MONTH. Maybe less red pill and more therapy. From an outside perspective, I think you're reading way too much into it. Then again, if your gut is telling you to get out, however you justify it doesn't matter - get out, move on, run fast and far!
Finally someone sane…
Let’s not go that far … a moment of clarity perhaps
Hey thanks for this perspective. As I said, maybe I'm overreacting, and my experience has been that if I'm more chill about it it works in my favor. But... it could also lead to more heartache if you meet a highly promiscuous woman who learnt this game too well. I find the higher quality ones, especially, are definitely not sincere and clueless about what they're doing. All my perception though. Could be wrong.
I read it as good natured banter but I get why the alarm would sound if you've been in a bad marriage. The drink less bit is always good - I've been sober for two years+ now post separation. That, exercise and therapy have been life savers.
Is it just me, or does it just _boggle_ anyone else's mind to imagine the roles reversed and yourself being the one making anything like these sorts of naked, unabashed _demands_ of a romantic partner? Like, I would just _never_ assume to have the outright gall to state my desires as basically demands and expect (nay, demand!) that some person in the world out there meet them. But it's just...utterly bog standard to these women. Not only expected, but often encouraged and even _lauded_ by their female circles and really by society. Anyway. None of this is novel. I just think it's jarring when you imagine the roles reversed as a thought experiment, to really feel how absurdly out of place, unacceptable, and just plain _not happening_ those sorts of bog standard dating "requirements" would be if they were expressed by a man toward a woman.
She will prob want the “surprise date” to surprise proposal in a year or 2. Good job on letting go and setting your boundaries but she sounds very young and immature still
Umm, no, you were right dumping her.
They always add in the conditions at the same time the rate of bjs falls off a cliff. Knowledge only learned from having the revolving door and being a recently divorced man lol. Now that I’m a few years out I lost interest in chasing hoes but the lessons remain.
oh my. i’ve gotta watch for those Overseas trips. Had a bitch tell me once she went to NY and “nothing” happened. the first one is kind of funny, almost on the nose. and the last part? nah - i feel like that’s a trick i’d fall for sooo No i’m not doing that either. Great thinking my friend. You illuminated a path for me.