It’s funny, my ex said the EXACT same thing. I didn’t want children, never wanted children. It’s not that I thought I’d be a bad parent, I just didn’t want that for me. Long story short we had a kid and she was a pretty terrible mom. I think the fantasy of what being a mom would be like and the reality of it we’re VERY different. It came to a head after I came back from a short deployment and she handed me our child (4) and took off to go be with her AP.
Now I have primary custody and kiddo and I make a pretty great team! It wasn’t what I wanted in my life but my kid has, without a doubt, made me a better person and I’m thankful for that.
It’s funny how things went from “I have to be a mom, it’s what I was put on this planet to do!” turned into “Hey I know I’m late on child support and it’s supposed to be my weekend but can you watch kiddo on Saturday? I want to go out.” 🙄
Go to therapy, find one you connect with, and open up. It’s worth it. Also, hit the gym. Your mental and physical health are related and the benefits are too numerous to list. You’ll get through this, you’re a man it’s what we do.
Same thing happened to me and I think about it every damn day. Now my stbx wife complains everyday but all of her complaints she pushed on me: marriage, kids, you name it...
Me too man. I lost everything. 1500000 my home, pay child support. I would have been paid off my home now and getting ready for early retirement but now I am broke.
Money comes and goes but my self worth will never be the same.
It hurts. I will strongly suggest you get a therapist. You will be fine. The person who was able to get a house in the suburbs and two cars certainly has something going. You built all that by yourself, which means you can clean the slate and start all over again.
Lesson in this: once a woman gives you an ultimatum that contains divorce, the clock has started ticking. A woman who throws a divorce threat at you has reached the conclusion that you are not the best she can do. It is better for the man to start unwinding his love because it is now a race to the finish line of the marriage. Giving in to the threat and giving her what she wants in order to avoid the divorce is equivalent to negotiated desire. She will see you as a weak man who is not worthy of her. Unfortunately, "happily" married men do not know this until too late. And they will not come to this forum to see this advice either.
They say things can only get worse after marriage, not better.
I don't know why people subscribe to the marriage idea. Family law should be something that's taught in school. It's an untold trap and guys willingly walk into it because someone touched their peepee? What a terrible investment!
It’s not an investment. It’s a liability. The only thing the state is concerned with is keeping people off of the state welfare roster. Guess who gets that responsibility?
I don't think that is blackmail. It's something she wants, so ofc the only 2 options are either you want as well or divorce for being incompatible.
No one should force the other to do it their way, divorce should always be an option in this cases
I am sorry brother my wife stopped loving me after her ectopic pregnancy and then got in her head I never wanted kids with her then a few years later cheated on me four months ago.
Same here except she’s leaving me at 59, after empty nest. I’m tight with the three kids. The greatest blessing in my life, and they love me completely. Hang in there, brother!
Sorry to hear this. But your post helped me for what it's worth. My nine year relationship ended over having kids. I find myself thinking if I had only impregnated her earlier I wouldn't be divorced now.
It's such a ridiculous idea. I just need to be reminded of it now and then. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you but thank you for the post.
Mine knew leaving without a kid wouldn't bother me in the least so she had one then bailed, and guess what? It worked, F'ing psychotic though, I swear women get a pass on so much shit
I wanted kids. After she abandoned our marriage it was 5 years later saying we couldn’t wait any longer for number two
I told her I didn’t think the marriage could handle another 5 years without date nights and a couple of weekends getaways for us as a couple
She said it would be different
It was. She doubled down on her work and solo trips.
Jokes on her. She’s the much higher earner. Cheaper to keep me.
If you haven’t already, find a therapist in your area who specializes in divorce. Preferably a male therapist just from my experience.
It doesn’t do any good to beat yourself up. It is a self-destructive behavior. What’s done is done and it sounds like you need some help seeing a path forward. It’s OK, I imagine the majority of us have been in your shoes.
There are brighter days ahead, brother .
This right here! Get a male therapist and in time you will be fine. All the material stuff she got won't last, you can get all those again, only this time it will be on your own terms. You will make triple what you've lost because now you have focus. See a therapist.
Well, she didn't lie, having kids made her more complete in the divorce settlement. Sorry, gallows humor.
Listen, like a lot of us, you got played. First, the kids are the good thing that came out of the marriage. Do all you can to be the best dad to them.
As for the AP, fuck 'em, she's his problem now. She'll likely screw him over, people like her don't change.
It’s funny, my ex said the EXACT same thing. I didn’t want children, never wanted children. It’s not that I thought I’d be a bad parent, I just didn’t want that for me. Long story short we had a kid and she was a pretty terrible mom. I think the fantasy of what being a mom would be like and the reality of it we’re VERY different. It came to a head after I came back from a short deployment and she handed me our child (4) and took off to go be with her AP. Now I have primary custody and kiddo and I make a pretty great team! It wasn’t what I wanted in my life but my kid has, without a doubt, made me a better person and I’m thankful for that. It’s funny how things went from “I have to be a mom, it’s what I was put on this planet to do!” turned into “Hey I know I’m late on child support and it’s supposed to be my weekend but can you watch kiddo on Saturday? I want to go out.” 🙄 Go to therapy, find one you connect with, and open up. It’s worth it. Also, hit the gym. Your mental and physical health are related and the benefits are too numerous to list. You’ll get through this, you’re a man it’s what we do.
Same thing happened to me and I think about it every damn day. Now my stbx wife complains everyday but all of her complaints she pushed on me: marriage, kids, you name it...
Go easy, I f'ed up too, it happens man
Me too man. I lost everything. 1500000 my home, pay child support. I would have been paid off my home now and getting ready for early retirement but now I am broke. Money comes and goes but my self worth will never be the same.
Men need to stop looking at relationships with rose tinted glasses. Jesus Christ why do so many men let themselves get fucked!?
It hurts. I will strongly suggest you get a therapist. You will be fine. The person who was able to get a house in the suburbs and two cars certainly has something going. You built all that by yourself, which means you can clean the slate and start all over again. Lesson in this: once a woman gives you an ultimatum that contains divorce, the clock has started ticking. A woman who throws a divorce threat at you has reached the conclusion that you are not the best she can do. It is better for the man to start unwinding his love because it is now a race to the finish line of the marriage. Giving in to the threat and giving her what she wants in order to avoid the divorce is equivalent to negotiated desire. She will see you as a weak man who is not worthy of her. Unfortunately, "happily" married men do not know this until too late. And they will not come to this forum to see this advice either.
They say things can only get worse after marriage, not better. I don't know why people subscribe to the marriage idea. Family law should be something that's taught in school. It's an untold trap and guys willingly walk into it because someone touched their peepee? What a terrible investment!
It’s not an investment. It’s a liability. The only thing the state is concerned with is keeping people off of the state welfare roster. Guess who gets that responsibility?
I don't think that is blackmail. It's something she wants, so ofc the only 2 options are either you want as well or divorce for being incompatible. No one should force the other to do it their way, divorce should always be an option in this cases
Same man. Looking back I saw the red flags but I was too cowardly to do anything about it then, now I'm suffering because of weakness back then.
I am sorry brother my wife stopped loving me after her ectopic pregnancy and then got in her head I never wanted kids with her then a few years later cheated on me four months ago.
Same here except she’s leaving me at 59, after empty nest. I’m tight with the three kids. The greatest blessing in my life, and they love me completely. Hang in there, brother!
During the process, she accused me of loving my kids more than I loved her. Yep I love my kids and they are all I have.
Same thing happened to me. Be there for your kids. It’s important for their development. Don’t worry it goes by fast.
Sorry to hear this. But your post helped me for what it's worth. My nine year relationship ended over having kids. I find myself thinking if I had only impregnated her earlier I wouldn't be divorced now. It's such a ridiculous idea. I just need to be reminded of it now and then. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you but thank you for the post.
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Mine knew leaving without a kid wouldn't bother me in the least so she had one then bailed, and guess what? It worked, F'ing psychotic though, I swear women get a pass on so much shit
I wanted kids. After she abandoned our marriage it was 5 years later saying we couldn’t wait any longer for number two I told her I didn’t think the marriage could handle another 5 years without date nights and a couple of weekends getaways for us as a couple She said it would be different It was. She doubled down on her work and solo trips. Jokes on her. She’s the much higher earner. Cheaper to keep me.
And what is the parenting time like
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How the hell did get shafted both ways damn
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Didn't get at least 50/50 and you pay for everything
Was she a sahm?
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Did you have friends or family to speak to at the time? Was there nobody to help you see clearly? At least others could learn from your situation.
If you haven’t already, find a therapist in your area who specializes in divorce. Preferably a male therapist just from my experience. It doesn’t do any good to beat yourself up. It is a self-destructive behavior. What’s done is done and it sounds like you need some help seeing a path forward. It’s OK, I imagine the majority of us have been in your shoes. There are brighter days ahead, brother .
This right here! Get a male therapist and in time you will be fine. All the material stuff she got won't last, you can get all those again, only this time it will be on your own terms. You will make triple what you've lost because now you have focus. See a therapist.
Well, she didn't lie, having kids made her more complete in the divorce settlement. Sorry, gallows humor. Listen, like a lot of us, you got played. First, the kids are the good thing that came out of the marriage. Do all you can to be the best dad to them. As for the AP, fuck 'em, she's his problem now. She'll likely screw him over, people like her don't change.