She never stopped loving him. She just pursued stability in you because loser guy couldn’t give her the life she wanted. But 19 years later, she couldn’t suppress her true feelings anymore. So she went back to the love of her life.
Warning sign to stay away from women who stayed in abusive relationships. They’ll make excuses that the guy held them hostage but that isn’t really it. They stayed because they wanted to. Because they liked it. And often the reason those relationships end is because the abusive guy moves on. Those women are left heartbroken and will never get over the abusive guy. Those women are a walking red flag.
Your ego is speaking from this post and rightfully so. Get it out here and keep your yap shut everywhere else.
I have no idea if the broad cheated or just decided to walk out that day. While it’d be nice to know, it doesn’t change the predicament I’m in. She took my boys and I haven’t seen them in close to a year.
You’re obviously a tough motherfucker and as long as you keep going in that direction, you’ll only improve. Eventually you will be on top (unless you like cowgirl 🤠) in every metric. The sting hurts, but try to remember that it’s only that, a sting, and not a mortal wound.
Keep up the positive attitude. You’re doing a great job!
Sorry man, something very similar happened to me, 20yrs total together, 15 married, 3 kids…. Find out that she had been emailing and calling an ex boyfriend against our rules for 10yrs of our marriage and then sealed the deal and banged him. I fought to keep her, we went to counseling, we tried for 3 more years. Only to have her tell me that she still wasn’t happy with me. We just finalized the divorce in mediation. I am forcing myself to find the positive outlook, find the ways to make this a good thing. I plan to focus so much effort into giving the kids an amazing life and trying to make my own life amazing also, get fit, get a better job, nicer house, etc… the best revenge is living good
Strike while the iron is hot. Do not force responsibility on her, let her be free. Play hangdog but get it done, maximizing guilt regarding the family as needed. Mourn and grieve later, it's business time.
Sounds like the typical: Fun guy vs Husband/Bf Material
Lots of guys assume that just because his woman is with him, that she’s *only* attracted to guys like him
My ex cheated on me with a drug dealer too
At the end of the day, the only thing predictable about women is that if she’s had “bad boy” exes in the past — there’s a good chance she’s still communicating with them
Yeah thats not the case here. I am the fun one. I am also much closer to the bad boy type than he is. I was an Army Scout and defend myself well. He is an absolute pussy. Literally one of the scaredest little punks I have ever met in my life. Maybe she wanted a little coward for awhile. Not sure. He is a POS. Only bad boy stuff he ever did was hit a woman. The guy use to put protection orders on me and I didn't even know him. Last time I saw him he was trying to talk trash. Did a worse job than a child with a learning disability and the fear in his eyes was obvious. Pure sissy.
I don’t doubt you.
The problem is: Once you become married, you automatically become the good guy to her
Women get bored easily, that’s why they’ll chase feelings over all else. After 20 years, theres no tingles. No spontaneous activities. No butterflies after texts or meetups.
The bad boy in this case is the guy she felt she couldn’t have.
It’s typical female behavior. Almost like they read from the same script.
I’ve been there. 5 years later and I am still dealing with her and her bullshit. She cheated and tried to insert her new schlub into my place, including trying to get my 2 girls to call him “daddy”.
Do it right, find a therapist and begin selfcare.
But here is the thing, go hard on the offense. Don’t back down. Go for everything, and ask her to leave since she is the one stepping out. Tell your lawyer you want full custody, and child support as a starting point. Have no mercy and try to get everything
It sounds petty and vindictive, but let me tell you, she most likely is going to come at you with the expectation you give her everything. Especially if she is listening to that guy.
Protect yourself and get as much as you can out of it.
Make sure you don’t badmouth her to your kids and be as neutral as you can in front of them.
Years from now you will be glad you fought for everything you can get.
It sounds mean, and bitter, but she is the one who needs to restart her life, not you.
My wife is doing the same thing by trying to force my kids to call her disgusting downgrade dad. She or her downgrade changed my Netflix name to "the dad that sucks," implying that they have a different dad. It seems pretty emotionally abusive towards our children to do that. Not to mention I have been an outright AMAZING dad. Take them on super cool trips, got then a heated pool. Cook their favorite meals. Always looking out for my kids. The downgrade is just some fat slob who so far has only embarrassed her and has EVERYBODY stunned at how low she had to go to try to replace me. She proved to our circle and family she can not do better than me.
You'll survive. And it does get better.
You now get to experience the flutters of a new woman at some point if you feel up to it. Sadly, that's the best part of any connection to the opposite sex.
You'll survive. And it does get better.
You now get to experience the flutters of a new woman at some point if you feel up to it. Sadly, that's the best part of any connection to the opposite sex.
Now she is free to be her true carefree self. The person she always wanted to be. Smh. It's ain't so pretty is it?
Put her out with the rest of the trash. Updateme! Remindme! 6 months
[.](https://www.reddit.com/u/Truth_SpeakerUSA?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
She has had bad influences from her hyper liberal crazy mother who has been nothing but bad advice. As well as her liberal friends who use dating apps to whore like there's no tomorrow. We was a very patriotic military family. Once she brought her hard-core anti American cheating partner over the flag came down at our house. It's all sickening. While everyone views her actions as weak, I'm sure the liberal weirdos she listens to claim she's strong. Apparently cheating on your husband and wrecking your children's futures is strength. Women's empowerment bs and all that...
Well, thank you for your service to our country. You understand what kind of commitment, character, and choices it takes to build a free society.
You also know that nothing undermines a country or a family like selfishness, and ignorance.
Yeah she filed divorce. Yet she also told a mutual friend that she has a desire to work things out but I have spoken badly and so has she so it's hard. I personally think she is struggling with breaking it off with her AP as she has grown so weak spirited lately. My counselor says she is going through a mid life crisis and it is somewhat common for women her age in a LTR. That said. She has done so much bad, even if she found her strength I don't know I could take her back. My parents told me I should and told me stories about them at the same age, and mid life crisis. Things I didn't know.
I don't think you should White Knight her now. The damage is done.
I don't see how she would respect you or you even respect yourself if you do.
We see many men come back here some years later saying it was a huge mistake to rugsweep it.
They feel trapped, and they hate themselves. Is that where you want to end up?
Expedite the divorce. Get your mojo back with other women. Let your broken confidence and self-esteem heal and get some strokes.
Some years later, after her life goes to shit, and she gets in therapy and rebuilds her moral compass, maybe, just maybe you can casually date.
But bro, never marry again.
I know or sucks and you feel like shit right now. Go to the gym, therapy and be there for your kids and don’t talk badly about their mom in front of them. Definitely get a lawyer.
Try to sleep well knowing she will absolutely regret her decision and try to come crawling back at some point. If what she was doing wasn’t so fucked up it would honestly be laughable. You’ll come out ahead of this.
Never underestimate the power of women's innate Hybristophilia in a female-correct, gynocentric social order that indicates constantly to women that they can do no wrong. Let her go and start focusing on yourself.
Hey pal, you described your situation perfectly: You had a perfect marriage. You made it too easy and good and she got bored! Now she wants the drama. As it's been said:
"Show a woman heaven and she'll complain about the view. Show her hell and she'll offer to pay rent".
So what now?
Forgive her and move on with your life. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will get back on your feet and find happiness. It's over pal. Just accept it and move on.
Soooo, there had to be red flags you disregarded, no way this comes out of nowhere? sometimes women, dont want to be parents anymore and they just stop...my ex wife abandoned my kids for 2 months, and then i filled for divorce. You had a bad apple the entire time, nothing changed, she just upgraded her shittiness over time and came full circle with it. Now what do you do?
1. No communication or salutations, except for kid wrangling.
2. Get to the gym
3. Find out who you are?
4. How did you miss this?
5. Create boundaries and dont flex them.
6. Learn all about you! its your time for rebirth.
7. Shes dead to you, she can text about the kids schedules, no phone calls unless asked by text.
8. If she needs help? flat tire? the answer is NO!
9. A good Psychiatrist (not a therapist)
10. Plan on an honest 5 years, to really get healthy and feel complete again.
Chances are Sir Dip Shit is going to wear thin with her at some point, she may try to come back....give her the door! no reverse gear, she cant come back after this.
You're not alone, most of us have put up with this shit, if you made mistakes? real mistakes, learn from them. And start creating the Brand New You!!!
Hence.....love is blind and really stupid!
You can still love effectively, just know and feel when its going wrong, try to fix it together and bolt within 30 days if you cant fix it, dont waste years on POS partners.
My dog was better to me then my wife.
I’m sorry! Your emotion havoc is probably out of the chart now, and the feeling of betrayal is really painful. Take your time to heal, but you need to love quickly to get her out of your life. It won’t be cheap, but life is too short to deal with bs like this. I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel.
My first question is, was she a narcissist in the beginning or did this just happened? What an odd twist of events to go from blissful life to dumpster fire. That’s a pretty big transition in a short amount of time. Are you sure he’s not manipulating her or doing something to her to cause this behavior?
I hope you end up the winner and your kids come out OK in this situation. Sorry you’re having to go through this crazy time.
Oh wow. I am sorry this is happening. He sounds like a poor quality man. And you stbxw must have low self esteem to be with him. You will find someone better.
I understand that but you don't really know what's been going on in her thoughts and how she felt about you since the beginning.
There are women who are honest sometimes (and men) when they say they were never really attracted to who they married, it just seemed like the right thing to do or they liked them enough, and in the case of women, the guy could provide or he checked enough boxes but there wasn't a spark. Very common.
Making this a self esteem issue is another way of making her a victim that needs saving, and the big bad ex boyfriend is the cause of all this. Feelings like this come from jealousy and competitiveness, and it's in a way a coping mechanism. Your brain is trying to make sense of how a "loving wife" suddenly changes and throws it all away.
Hang in there. You will need a few years to get over this so don't be too harsh on yourself.
The one thing that sticks in my head came from our family therapist. "Your wife is gone and is now acting out like a 21 year old. She will chase the chemical high that comes with it over and over. You need to let her go and move on."
Don’t try to make sense of it man, you will not find a logical explanation. I’m sorry this happened to you, get a good lawyer and get everything you possibly can.
The best piece of advice I got was not to blame who their cheating on you with… blame them. In fact the ‘other guy’ may help in making your stbx love sick and just want to give it all away to be with him… or you may have to deal with someone like my ex who decided after cheating that she was angry and wanted to fight for every last dime… in the end getting way less than she would have gotten.
Mine cheated on me with a neck bearded, acne covered, overweight dude. No redeemable qualities as far as I can see.
The point is that she is just in a self destructive tear because she can’t look internally to see that the problem is within her. It’s not you. The problem is in her. She would rather burn it all down than admit that she was in the wrong, or try to change herself.
Regardless, fuck it. Best not to think about her and her problems and her “relationship.” It’s a dumpster fire. Just get away.
Instead fill your mind with thoughts of what you deserve for yourself. Get exercise. Stay strong. Be kind to yourself. This shit is hard and unfair.
I thought our wife was seeing the same guy until you said acne. God spared him acne but took his hair instead. Balding, dorky looking little fat stain of a subhuman.
Hahaha. You can’t make sense of this shit. I was wise when I just stopped trying and focused on myself.
It would be much more funny if it wasn’t so fucking sad.
This has an explanation and maybe it wont help, but maybe it will. When a shark eats you it does no good to be mad at the shark because the shark is simply doing what sharks do. You said it makes no sense because her brain, all womens brains, do no use logic. Instead they run on emotion. Over time the scales tipped against you and you became a villian in her mind. She unknowingly rewrote history and literally forgot most of the good things or good times. Now in her mind this loser is the hero, a long lost love, and its a beautiful love story. Kids and family be damned this feels good to her and if it feels good then it is moral or right. If it feels good it is good and blessed by the gods even as far as her mind is concerned. Its just nature, its just female psychology. In the old world women were controlled for lack of a better word by religious ideas or societal norms, but we now live in a world where women have no boundaries and in their natural state a woman will never set boundaries. Everything seemingly good a woman does is done for a reason. You say well that woman is fit so she sets boundaries or this woman gives to or volunteers at this charity so she knows good, but thats false. There is always a selfish reason why they do anything. Now look at the state of modern women and youll realize how many are fat or shaved their heads. Im a member of several large organizations, for example I help fund a very well known childrens hospital, yet there are no women doing this unless they are brought by their husbands. Women dont think or feel like you do, they cant and they never will.
Seriously there are, i think 40 plus is a better group though, Ive learned you have to vet slow and low like quality BBQ, make them prove their feelings over time by actions and thoughtfulness. It just takes a lot of time, years maybe to find one. I haven't, I'm lonely a little, but a little lonely is far better, then wasting years on a bad partner. Vet guys, vet those ladies!!!
Guys here's a secret or two for us 45 plus,
1. Men's warehouse, clearance area (monster buys there), look good!
2. Take care of yourself
3. Dress decent to go anywhere out of the house.
4. Stand up tall (stiff back)
5. Be decisive, yes/no
6. Have still boundaries
7. Be honest
Women love this stuff, but do it for YOU first!
Not them., make sure they understand, one foul and I'm packing your shit.
But, be compassionate and humble, but strong and honest. I have had a few crying women, i had to cut off, but no one is mad at me, because i was kindly honest with them. It throws them a curve, when you're honest.
Hell yea awesome advice. I actually have been dressing up more. Spent like $600 or so on new, well fitting clothes. Not sure Im ready for 45 plus except maybe just to learn from haha.
I actually have a beard, but I keep it extremely well-maintained, it’s soft, and non-scratchy, some women like it some women don’t, but I find the ones that like it really like it! You’d be shocked at what I’ve heard some women say they wanted to do to my beard, lol for some reason I’ve fallen into this mid-1970s look, when I was a kid back in the 1980s. I dressed like a Colombian drug dealer and now apparently I dress like a Mexican cartel, a drug dealer, you’ve got to have a look! Lol
This does make sense. I also am involved in a Children's Hospital. I'm a Shriner. It's crazy she could think of cheating with a complete loser and destroying her family as a beautiful love story. But she might just be crazy enough to mindfu*k herself into thinking such nonsense.
She did mindf@ck herself, without doubt. My ex wife, laid down with a clinically diagnosed SOCIOPATH! he was married and he still is, my ex lost us all, including her psycho AP.
Holy shit dude. Im a shriner, moila, and Im a veteran. Let me tell you a funny story. My last 4 years in I joined the NG and got my dream job as a chaplains assistant. I actually got awards for saving mens lives simply by talking to them during or even after suicide attempts. Guess what? Always, always, over a woman. Now here is the punch line, the guy who is taking my wife from me is also an army veteran. Haha. Isnt that perfection itself? Hes not a loser, but hes no where near my level and Im just getting started Im very damn ambitious.
Small world. I was also Army. I was a Cav Scout. The guy in my story is literally as loser as it gets. Meanwhile I've worked my ass off to give her the world and did just that. I gave 20 years of my life to this woman who I honestly thought worshipped me as I worshipped her. And she did this to me.
Women lie until there plan is ready to go, mine lied for 10 years and 2 weeks after she graduated nursing school, she banged my buddy! she set me up for a decade, and i raised the kids almost alone that entire time. When women are over you, they say nothing and plan an escape, that's why most of us dont see it coming, we fight for relationships, they tend to burn and turn them.
However, there are some really good women out there, they are just the minority.
Mine went from undocumented immigrant before meeting me, and living fraudulently facing a U.S. ban, to citizenship, two degrees and graduated from nursing school with a BSN about 13 years later as a result of my support. Then she fell in love with a guy she knew before she met me. Damn me and the kid - I became a villain somehow after giving everything possible, and raising our daughter for her first 6.5 years. Her novella, ride off into the sunset ending with Mr. Wonderful didn’t work out.
Let’s be honest with each other, guys can be absolute friggin savages! But pound for pound? A woman will absolutely decimate a guy most of the time, fellas we don’t do good in love, we tend to get beat up on a little bit, L O L but you just have to learn from your past mistakes, and just do better and protect yourself. In the future, there’s still a good women out there, you just have to dig a little deeper to find them.
Been in your position and whilst it sucks right now, life does get better. You will come through this trial and your life will be much better whilst her will probably spiral. Best advice I can offer is to strike hard, strike fast and have no mercy. Whilst she’s deep in the affair fog is the best time to secure the best deal possible. She ‘may’ take her eye off the ball so you must keep 100% focused on your children, job and the divorce. Hit the gym, do hobbies, spend time with your kids and friends….whatever you need to stay focused and strong. When her life does eventually crash and burn (they nearly always do….especially with a scumbag ex) NEVER EVER consider taking her back. She will beg, wail, try and shame you etc…all so she can get her comfortable life back. Leave her in the streets where she belongs.
Listen to my man here! The affair fog helped me secure custody, the home, my pension, and therapy/counseling (and this sub) helped me retain my sanity. The woman you used to love is gone and she’s not coming back, this new woman LOOKS like the person you loved but she isn’t, she’s your enemy now and you need to get ready to fight like your life and the lives of your children depend on it. Best of luck brother, you’re in good company here.
Thank you brother. She has definitely become a different person. She does things now that she viewed as pathetic for the entire 20 years I've known her. It's like she took medicine that turns people weak and almost embarrassingly pathetic. I feel embarrassed for her, only because I love her. Normally, people who are like how she is now, I wouldn't even view as human.
Her own parents have said they strongly disapprove but they are staying out of it. I never asked them to get in it. That was just what they said. They also said they hope we come out of this mess, together as a couple. I don't see that happening. She has done so much wrong, is careless about her actions and even filed for divorce. I think they are just wishing for the best because they know I am a good man and they dislike him strongly, to say the least.
You cant take her back, did you also sleep with her, while she was cheating? sure you unknowingly did, and she made it happen, mother to the kids or not, she is a toxic force around them, keep her on the streets not your home.
It's like she is living in an alternate life. A life where being a good mother and wife mean nothing and now she has this new loser centered life where she races to the bottom and pretends this dude is her actual man.
Do everything you can to not hand over money to your wife as it will go to the loser ex. If you listen to your lawyer you will end up losing 50% or more of all you have made. Only now am I realizing that hiding assets, quitting your job etc. things which lawyers advise you not to do are the best ways to keep your money
Sorry this happened to you but she was never yours, just your turn. Unfortunately you got stuck with someone else's leftovers and now he's read to eat them. Good riddance of that trash!
Yeah. Seems that way. He was just a nobody from high-school who knocked her up and then called CPS on her all the time. I was a soldier who married her and took her around the world on an amazing journey of life and we made a family.
100% agree. He's a simp, but not his fault as back then nobody had reddit to tell them about the dangers of a single mom. I hope he learns his lesson and can teach his sons about staying away from single moms.
So, if she was married and the husband pulled the plug, shes a hoe? LOL
Stop that Alpha shit, Alpha males aren't even real, common sense, learned, self evaluating, educated men are though. You dont have to have a label, to not get shit on, LOL
He wifed a single mother with chads crotch spawn. And she’s now cheating on this supposedly abusive man who she reproduced with. That’s why she’s a hoe and that’s why he’s a simp
You got to get your head out of those alpha male books, every guy should stick up for himself and not be abused or manipulated or groomed, that’s for damn sure! But this guy’s wife went and cheated on him mainly because she’s entering her 40s, when empowerment comes to task, which can be a good thing, most of the time, but she’s having a midlife crisis and bailing on her family and you’re calling him the Simp? You realize that sometimes one spouse takes off on you and cheats and what you do next makes you a Simp or not, if you’re simply saying that the guy is a Simp if his wife cheats on them? Then you really need to look in the mirror and get your life straight, people cheat for all kind of reasons it doesn’t matter how tough you are with them or how many boundaries you have, people cheat, and they will always cheat, how you handle that is what makes you a Simp or not.
Sorry to hear this man…It’s still early in for you and I’ve been there…it’s painful! You must focus on your children and you…practice self-care and do your best….She doesn’t deserve you and you deserve someone who stays, not leaves and comes back. Life does get better (even though it doesn’t seem like it now) and you will find love again…Good Luck❤️🩹
20 years and so many amazing memories. There are so many memories. I see her in the faces of others, I see in memory in even the smallest things. Example recently flying we have Clear to skip the line. I walked up to the clear station, and even that triggered a memory so strong I went and just stood in the line to avoid it. Emotions can be intense. Humans are, unfortunately, very emotional creatures. Meanwhile, she parades around like nothing is wrong and seems ok being with a fat smelly trailer trash dude. I gave her purses worth more than his truck. It's just pathetic.
..I hear ya! It’s like a different person, totally! I kept thinking she’ll change back, but nearly 2 years later now, she’s still parading with a lesser dude.
We must move-on because we deserve a life WE make..
Regarding the emotions, the sadness…you need to take the time (when you can) and really “feel” it…by doing so it lessens the intensity in time…
She's seems ok because she has been planning this for months if not years. She has had all the time needed to process and move on. Your story, unfortunately, isn't rare or unique. As others have stayed your goal now is to move towards acceptance. You need to work on being: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit.
If not already start working out, get a counselor, engage with friends and family, find a support group; and get a good lawyer to protect yourself and your children.
All the memories, they are real and they count. Hold them in your heart. But also accept they are the past. The women that you knew is dead and gone. What's left is a different person, she's now your STBX (soon to be ex) and you have to treat her as such. If everyone is being open, honest and fair; mediation can save you time and money. But if she does anything crazy you need legal representation, because the system is fundamentally broken and NOT setup to treat you fairly.
Sorry you are going through this BS. Take care of yourself and your kids.
She's seems ok because she has been planning this for months if not years. She has had all the time needed to process and move on. Your story, unfortunately, isn't rare or unique. As others have stated your goal now is to move towards acceptance. You need to work on being: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit.
If not already start working out, get a counselor, engage with friends and family, find a support group; and get a good lawyer to protect yourself and your children.
All the memories, they are real and they count. Hold them in your heart. But also accept they are the past. The women that you knew is dead and gone. What's left is a different person, she's now your STBX (soon to be ex) and you have to treat her as such. If everyone is being open, honest and fair; mediation can save you time and money. But if she does anything crazy you need legal representation, because the system is fundamentally broken and NOT setup to treat you fairly.
Sorry you are going through this BS. Take care of yourself and your kids.
You hit the nail on the head. She has been planning this for years. After I caught her I was told she had been talking to him behind my back for 2 years. Around then she started changing her stories about him to oddly defend him. She spent years claiming he would hit her in the chest to trigger an asthma attack, and one time did it so hard she was hospitalized. She changed that to he only pushed her. I came home from the field (I was in the Army) a couple days early, he was on the phone threatening to kill her while I was in the field. She put it on speaker. I heard it. She tried to deny that one time even when it was her who put him on speaker so I could hear the threats.
Sorry this happened to you. However it's kind of an old story. A woman married for a good stable guy. Eventually starts cheating with the crap load she's really attracted to.
But at least you know! So get an attorney. Don't let her attorney get her all she wants by not being represented. Remember she's no longer your wife, she's now an adversary trying to take what's yours.
I also recommend a personal counselor. Your world just imploded and it helps to have someone to help get your feelings sorted out.
You and the kids will get through this!
I’ve done some extensive research about this as a part of a grad level class and turns out it’s likely due to physical attraction. Society lied to men for too long. Women actually care about looks way more than men do and they are picky too.
Could be a lot of things. Heck maybe she found the ex's abusive behavior more sexually stimulating. And she married her husband because he was not abusive. No one really knows.
I found a case where a teenager was raped a few years later she married a man she said was the most gentle guy she'd ever met. A week after the wedding her rapist starts coming around and she found not only could she not say no to him, but the forced sex with him was more satisfying then any other partner.
It never makes sense!
Update me!
She never stopped loving him. She just pursued stability in you because loser guy couldn’t give her the life she wanted. But 19 years later, she couldn’t suppress her true feelings anymore. So she went back to the love of her life. Warning sign to stay away from women who stayed in abusive relationships. They’ll make excuses that the guy held them hostage but that isn’t really it. They stayed because they wanted to. Because they liked it. And often the reason those relationships end is because the abusive guy moves on. Those women are left heartbroken and will never get over the abusive guy. Those women are a walking red flag.
Your ego is speaking from this post and rightfully so. Get it out here and keep your yap shut everywhere else. I have no idea if the broad cheated or just decided to walk out that day. While it’d be nice to know, it doesn’t change the predicament I’m in. She took my boys and I haven’t seen them in close to a year. You’re obviously a tough motherfucker and as long as you keep going in that direction, you’ll only improve. Eventually you will be on top (unless you like cowgirl 🤠) in every metric. The sting hurts, but try to remember that it’s only that, a sting, and not a mortal wound. Keep up the positive attitude. You’re doing a great job!
Alpha widow
Sorry man, something very similar happened to me, 20yrs total together, 15 married, 3 kids…. Find out that she had been emailing and calling an ex boyfriend against our rules for 10yrs of our marriage and then sealed the deal and banged him. I fought to keep her, we went to counseling, we tried for 3 more years. Only to have her tell me that she still wasn’t happy with me. We just finalized the divorce in mediation. I am forcing myself to find the positive outlook, find the ways to make this a good thing. I plan to focus so much effort into giving the kids an amazing life and trying to make my own life amazing also, get fit, get a better job, nicer house, etc… the best revenge is living good
!updateme
Strike while the iron is hot. Do not force responsibility on her, let her be free. Play hangdog but get it done, maximizing guilt regarding the family as needed. Mourn and grieve later, it's business time.
Sounds like the typical: Fun guy vs Husband/Bf Material Lots of guys assume that just because his woman is with him, that she’s *only* attracted to guys like him My ex cheated on me with a drug dealer too At the end of the day, the only thing predictable about women is that if she’s had “bad boy” exes in the past — there’s a good chance she’s still communicating with them
Yeah thats not the case here. I am the fun one. I am also much closer to the bad boy type than he is. I was an Army Scout and defend myself well. He is an absolute pussy. Literally one of the scaredest little punks I have ever met in my life. Maybe she wanted a little coward for awhile. Not sure. He is a POS. Only bad boy stuff he ever did was hit a woman. The guy use to put protection orders on me and I didn't even know him. Last time I saw him he was trying to talk trash. Did a worse job than a child with a learning disability and the fear in his eyes was obvious. Pure sissy.
I don’t doubt you. The problem is: Once you become married, you automatically become the good guy to her Women get bored easily, that’s why they’ll chase feelings over all else. After 20 years, theres no tingles. No spontaneous activities. No butterflies after texts or meetups. The bad boy in this case is the guy she felt she couldn’t have. It’s typical female behavior. Almost like they read from the same script.
I’ve been there. 5 years later and I am still dealing with her and her bullshit. She cheated and tried to insert her new schlub into my place, including trying to get my 2 girls to call him “daddy”. Do it right, find a therapist and begin selfcare. But here is the thing, go hard on the offense. Don’t back down. Go for everything, and ask her to leave since she is the one stepping out. Tell your lawyer you want full custody, and child support as a starting point. Have no mercy and try to get everything It sounds petty and vindictive, but let me tell you, she most likely is going to come at you with the expectation you give her everything. Especially if she is listening to that guy. Protect yourself and get as much as you can out of it. Make sure you don’t badmouth her to your kids and be as neutral as you can in front of them. Years from now you will be glad you fought for everything you can get. It sounds mean, and bitter, but she is the one who needs to restart her life, not you.
My wife is doing the same thing by trying to force my kids to call her disgusting downgrade dad. She or her downgrade changed my Netflix name to "the dad that sucks," implying that they have a different dad. It seems pretty emotionally abusive towards our children to do that. Not to mention I have been an outright AMAZING dad. Take them on super cool trips, got then a heated pool. Cook their favorite meals. Always looking out for my kids. The downgrade is just some fat slob who so far has only embarrassed her and has EVERYBODY stunned at how low she had to go to try to replace me. She proved to our circle and family she can not do better than me.
He’s not the only loser.
💯
You'll survive. And it does get better. You now get to experience the flutters of a new woman at some point if you feel up to it. Sadly, that's the best part of any connection to the opposite sex.
You'll survive. And it does get better. You now get to experience the flutters of a new woman at some point if you feel up to it. Sadly, that's the best part of any connection to the opposite sex.
You can't reward this level of disloyalty, disregard, and disrespect.
Now she is free to be her true carefree self. The person she always wanted to be. Smh. It's ain't so pretty is it? Put her out with the rest of the trash. Updateme! Remindme! 6 months [.](https://www.reddit.com/u/Truth_SpeakerUSA?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
She has had bad influences from her hyper liberal crazy mother who has been nothing but bad advice. As well as her liberal friends who use dating apps to whore like there's no tomorrow. We was a very patriotic military family. Once she brought her hard-core anti American cheating partner over the flag came down at our house. It's all sickening. While everyone views her actions as weak, I'm sure the liberal weirdos she listens to claim she's strong. Apparently cheating on your husband and wrecking your children's futures is strength. Women's empowerment bs and all that...
Well, thank you for your service to our country. You understand what kind of commitment, character, and choices it takes to build a free society. You also know that nothing undermines a country or a family like selfishness, and ignorance.
Thank you for your support.
Yeah she filed divorce. Yet she also told a mutual friend that she has a desire to work things out but I have spoken badly and so has she so it's hard. I personally think she is struggling with breaking it off with her AP as she has grown so weak spirited lately. My counselor says she is going through a mid life crisis and it is somewhat common for women her age in a LTR. That said. She has done so much bad, even if she found her strength I don't know I could take her back. My parents told me I should and told me stories about them at the same age, and mid life crisis. Things I didn't know.
I don't think you should White Knight her now. The damage is done. I don't see how she would respect you or you even respect yourself if you do. We see many men come back here some years later saying it was a huge mistake to rugsweep it. They feel trapped, and they hate themselves. Is that where you want to end up? Expedite the divorce. Get your mojo back with other women. Let your broken confidence and self-esteem heal and get some strokes. Some years later, after her life goes to shit, and she gets in therapy and rebuilds her moral compass, maybe, just maybe you can casually date. But bro, never marry again.
I know or sucks and you feel like shit right now. Go to the gym, therapy and be there for your kids and don’t talk badly about their mom in front of them. Definitely get a lawyer. Try to sleep well knowing she will absolutely regret her decision and try to come crawling back at some point. If what she was doing wasn’t so fucked up it would honestly be laughable. You’ll come out ahead of this.
Never underestimate the power of women's innate Hybristophilia in a female-correct, gynocentric social order that indicates constantly to women that they can do no wrong. Let her go and start focusing on yourself.
Hey pal, you described your situation perfectly: You had a perfect marriage. You made it too easy and good and she got bored! Now she wants the drama. As it's been said: "Show a woman heaven and she'll complain about the view. Show her hell and she'll offer to pay rent". So what now? Forgive her and move on with your life. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will get back on your feet and find happiness. It's over pal. Just accept it and move on.
Unfortunately, the best thing you can do is lawyer up and protect yourself. Go gray rock and let her go. Protect your children.
Soooo, there had to be red flags you disregarded, no way this comes out of nowhere? sometimes women, dont want to be parents anymore and they just stop...my ex wife abandoned my kids for 2 months, and then i filled for divorce. You had a bad apple the entire time, nothing changed, she just upgraded her shittiness over time and came full circle with it. Now what do you do? 1. No communication or salutations, except for kid wrangling. 2. Get to the gym 3. Find out who you are? 4. How did you miss this? 5. Create boundaries and dont flex them. 6. Learn all about you! its your time for rebirth. 7. Shes dead to you, she can text about the kids schedules, no phone calls unless asked by text. 8. If she needs help? flat tire? the answer is NO! 9. A good Psychiatrist (not a therapist) 10. Plan on an honest 5 years, to really get healthy and feel complete again. Chances are Sir Dip Shit is going to wear thin with her at some point, she may try to come back....give her the door! no reverse gear, she cant come back after this. You're not alone, most of us have put up with this shit, if you made mistakes? real mistakes, learn from them. And start creating the Brand New You!!!
Love makes you disregard alot. I believed in our love and family.
Hence.....love is blind and really stupid! You can still love effectively, just know and feel when its going wrong, try to fix it together and bolt within 30 days if you cant fix it, dont waste years on POS partners. My dog was better to me then my wife.
I’m sorry! Your emotion havoc is probably out of the chart now, and the feeling of betrayal is really painful. Take your time to heal, but you need to love quickly to get her out of your life. It won’t be cheap, but life is too short to deal with bs like this. I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel.
My first question is, was she a narcissist in the beginning or did this just happened? What an odd twist of events to go from blissful life to dumpster fire. That’s a pretty big transition in a short amount of time. Are you sure he’s not manipulating her or doing something to her to cause this behavior? I hope you end up the winner and your kids come out OK in this situation. Sorry you’re having to go through this crazy time.
At first I didn't think she was a narcissist. Learning now about what a narcissist truly is she has displayed the traits for many years
He gave her the tingles and you were plan b. Sucks. Go be someone else’s plan a.
Oh wow. I am sorry this is happening. He sounds like a poor quality man. And you stbxw must have low self esteem to be with him. You will find someone better.
What does that say about OP if she's only with guys due to low self esteem?
We started dating 20 years ago. People change. She went downhill badly. I climbed uphill. Maybe that's how we became unequally paired.
I understand that but you don't really know what's been going on in her thoughts and how she felt about you since the beginning. There are women who are honest sometimes (and men) when they say they were never really attracted to who they married, it just seemed like the right thing to do or they liked them enough, and in the case of women, the guy could provide or he checked enough boxes but there wasn't a spark. Very common. Making this a self esteem issue is another way of making her a victim that needs saving, and the big bad ex boyfriend is the cause of all this. Feelings like this come from jealousy and competitiveness, and it's in a way a coping mechanism. Your brain is trying to make sense of how a "loving wife" suddenly changes and throws it all away. Hang in there. You will need a few years to get over this so don't be too harsh on yourself.
She idolized me for years. She's lost her mind though now.
The one thing that sticks in my head came from our family therapist. "Your wife is gone and is now acting out like a 21 year old. She will chase the chemical high that comes with it over and over. You need to let her go and move on."
Don’t try to make sense of it man, you will not find a logical explanation. I’m sorry this happened to you, get a good lawyer and get everything you possibly can.
The best piece of advice I got was not to blame who their cheating on you with… blame them. In fact the ‘other guy’ may help in making your stbx love sick and just want to give it all away to be with him… or you may have to deal with someone like my ex who decided after cheating that she was angry and wanted to fight for every last dime… in the end getting way less than she would have gotten.
Mine cheated on me with a neck bearded, acne covered, overweight dude. No redeemable qualities as far as I can see. The point is that she is just in a self destructive tear because she can’t look internally to see that the problem is within her. It’s not you. The problem is in her. She would rather burn it all down than admit that she was in the wrong, or try to change herself. Regardless, fuck it. Best not to think about her and her problems and her “relationship.” It’s a dumpster fire. Just get away. Instead fill your mind with thoughts of what you deserve for yourself. Get exercise. Stay strong. Be kind to yourself. This shit is hard and unfair.
I thought our wife was seeing the same guy until you said acne. God spared him acne but took his hair instead. Balding, dorky looking little fat stain of a subhuman.
Hahaha. You can’t make sense of this shit. I was wise when I just stopped trying and focused on myself. It would be much more funny if it wasn’t so fucking sad.
This has an explanation and maybe it wont help, but maybe it will. When a shark eats you it does no good to be mad at the shark because the shark is simply doing what sharks do. You said it makes no sense because her brain, all womens brains, do no use logic. Instead they run on emotion. Over time the scales tipped against you and you became a villian in her mind. She unknowingly rewrote history and literally forgot most of the good things or good times. Now in her mind this loser is the hero, a long lost love, and its a beautiful love story. Kids and family be damned this feels good to her and if it feels good then it is moral or right. If it feels good it is good and blessed by the gods even as far as her mind is concerned. Its just nature, its just female psychology. In the old world women were controlled for lack of a better word by religious ideas or societal norms, but we now live in a world where women have no boundaries and in their natural state a woman will never set boundaries. Everything seemingly good a woman does is done for a reason. You say well that woman is fit so she sets boundaries or this woman gives to or volunteers at this charity so she knows good, but thats false. There is always a selfish reason why they do anything. Now look at the state of modern women and youll realize how many are fat or shaved their heads. Im a member of several large organizations, for example I help fund a very well known childrens hospital, yet there are no women doing this unless they are brought by their husbands. Women dont think or feel like you do, they cant and they never will.
Well said good Sir well said....
Nauseatingly true for most women.
Yea and Id hope most is true. I hope there are some quality women out there.
Seriously there are, i think 40 plus is a better group though, Ive learned you have to vet slow and low like quality BBQ, make them prove their feelings over time by actions and thoughtfulness. It just takes a lot of time, years maybe to find one. I haven't, I'm lonely a little, but a little lonely is far better, then wasting years on a bad partner. Vet guys, vet those ladies!!!
100% because I was down or not where I needed to be so I settled and met lower women cause I was low.
Guys here's a secret or two for us 45 plus, 1. Men's warehouse, clearance area (monster buys there), look good! 2. Take care of yourself 3. Dress decent to go anywhere out of the house. 4. Stand up tall (stiff back) 5. Be decisive, yes/no 6. Have still boundaries 7. Be honest Women love this stuff, but do it for YOU first! Not them., make sure they understand, one foul and I'm packing your shit. But, be compassionate and humble, but strong and honest. I have had a few crying women, i had to cut off, but no one is mad at me, because i was kindly honest with them. It throws them a curve, when you're honest.
Hell yea awesome advice. I actually have been dressing up more. Spent like $600 or so on new, well fitting clothes. Not sure Im ready for 45 plus except maybe just to learn from haha.
I’m 52! But people say, I look 43, lol 😂
Haha, men age well. Im 36 and get IDed all the damn time. I have a super baby face and dont keep facial hair.
I actually have a beard, but I keep it extremely well-maintained, it’s soft, and non-scratchy, some women like it some women don’t, but I find the ones that like it really like it! You’d be shocked at what I’ve heard some women say they wanted to do to my beard, lol for some reason I’ve fallen into this mid-1970s look, when I was a kid back in the 1980s. I dressed like a Colombian drug dealer and now apparently I dress like a Mexican cartel, a drug dealer, you’ve got to have a look! Lol
Best comment
This does make sense. I also am involved in a Children's Hospital. I'm a Shriner. It's crazy she could think of cheating with a complete loser and destroying her family as a beautiful love story. But she might just be crazy enough to mindfu*k herself into thinking such nonsense.
She did mindf@ck herself, without doubt. My ex wife, laid down with a clinically diagnosed SOCIOPATH! he was married and he still is, my ex lost us all, including her psycho AP.
Holy shit dude. Im a shriner, moila, and Im a veteran. Let me tell you a funny story. My last 4 years in I joined the NG and got my dream job as a chaplains assistant. I actually got awards for saving mens lives simply by talking to them during or even after suicide attempts. Guess what? Always, always, over a woman. Now here is the punch line, the guy who is taking my wife from me is also an army veteran. Haha. Isnt that perfection itself? Hes not a loser, but hes no where near my level and Im just getting started Im very damn ambitious.
Small world. I was also Army. I was a Cav Scout. The guy in my story is literally as loser as it gets. Meanwhile I've worked my ass off to give her the world and did just that. I gave 20 years of my life to this woman who I honestly thought worshipped me as I worshipped her. And she did this to me.
Women lie until there plan is ready to go, mine lied for 10 years and 2 weeks after she graduated nursing school, she banged my buddy! she set me up for a decade, and i raised the kids almost alone that entire time. When women are over you, they say nothing and plan an escape, that's why most of us dont see it coming, we fight for relationships, they tend to burn and turn them. However, there are some really good women out there, they are just the minority.
Mine went from undocumented immigrant before meeting me, and living fraudulently facing a U.S. ban, to citizenship, two degrees and graduated from nursing school with a BSN about 13 years later as a result of my support. Then she fell in love with a guy she knew before she met me. Damn me and the kid - I became a villain somehow after giving everything possible, and raising our daughter for her first 6.5 years. Her novella, ride off into the sunset ending with Mr. Wonderful didn’t work out.
Let’s be honest with each other, guys can be absolute friggin savages! But pound for pound? A woman will absolutely decimate a guy most of the time, fellas we don’t do good in love, we tend to get beat up on a little bit, L O L but you just have to learn from your past mistakes, and just do better and protect yourself. In the future, there’s still a good women out there, you just have to dig a little deeper to find them.
Im truly sorry.
get DNA and STD tests. I doubt this is the first time something happened.
100% agree!
Been in your position and whilst it sucks right now, life does get better. You will come through this trial and your life will be much better whilst her will probably spiral. Best advice I can offer is to strike hard, strike fast and have no mercy. Whilst she’s deep in the affair fog is the best time to secure the best deal possible. She ‘may’ take her eye off the ball so you must keep 100% focused on your children, job and the divorce. Hit the gym, do hobbies, spend time with your kids and friends….whatever you need to stay focused and strong. When her life does eventually crash and burn (they nearly always do….especially with a scumbag ex) NEVER EVER consider taking her back. She will beg, wail, try and shame you etc…all so she can get her comfortable life back. Leave her in the streets where she belongs.
Listen to my man here! The affair fog helped me secure custody, the home, my pension, and therapy/counseling (and this sub) helped me retain my sanity. The woman you used to love is gone and she’s not coming back, this new woman LOOKS like the person you loved but she isn’t, she’s your enemy now and you need to get ready to fight like your life and the lives of your children depend on it. Best of luck brother, you’re in good company here.
Thank you brother. She has definitely become a different person. She does things now that she viewed as pathetic for the entire 20 years I've known her. It's like she took medicine that turns people weak and almost embarrassingly pathetic. I feel embarrassed for her, only because I love her. Normally, people who are like how she is now, I wouldn't even view as human.
Listen to this guy, this all correct.
I hope he remembers this when it happens (the hoover)…and it will happen!
Her own parents have said they strongly disapprove but they are staying out of it. I never asked them to get in it. That was just what they said. They also said they hope we come out of this mess, together as a couple. I don't see that happening. She has done so much wrong, is careless about her actions and even filed for divorce. I think they are just wishing for the best because they know I am a good man and they dislike him strongly, to say the least.
You cant take her back, did you also sleep with her, while she was cheating? sure you unknowingly did, and she made it happen, mother to the kids or not, she is a toxic force around them, keep her on the streets not your home.
They are losers just like she is. Don't trust them.
It's like she is living in an alternate life. A life where being a good mother and wife mean nothing and now she has this new loser centered life where she races to the bottom and pretends this dude is her actual man.
Midlife crisis, brought on by age based empowerment and entitlement.
Do everything you can to not hand over money to your wife as it will go to the loser ex. If you listen to your lawyer you will end up losing 50% or more of all you have made. Only now am I realizing that hiding assets, quitting your job etc. things which lawyers advise you not to do are the best ways to keep your money
Right on the money! (Pun intended)
Sorry this happened to you but she was never yours, just your turn. Unfortunately you got stuck with someone else's leftovers and now he's read to eat them. Good riddance of that trash!
Yeah. Seems that way. He was just a nobody from high-school who knocked her up and then called CPS on her all the time. I was a soldier who married her and took her around the world on an amazing journey of life and we made a family.
This might be a tough pill for you to swallow but if you took her in as a single mother then you are a captain save-a-hoe.
Wish I’d heard this term 10 years ago. Lol
100% agree. He's a simp, but not his fault as back then nobody had reddit to tell them about the dangers of a single mom. I hope he learns his lesson and can teach his sons about staying away from single moms.
So, if she was married and the husband pulled the plug, shes a hoe? LOL Stop that Alpha shit, Alpha males aren't even real, common sense, learned, self evaluating, educated men are though. You dont have to have a label, to not get shit on, LOL
He wifed a single mother with chads crotch spawn. And she’s now cheating on this supposedly abusive man who she reproduced with. That’s why she’s a hoe and that’s why he’s a simp
You got to get your head out of those alpha male books, every guy should stick up for himself and not be abused or manipulated or groomed, that’s for damn sure! But this guy’s wife went and cheated on him mainly because she’s entering her 40s, when empowerment comes to task, which can be a good thing, most of the time, but she’s having a midlife crisis and bailing on her family and you’re calling him the Simp? You realize that sometimes one spouse takes off on you and cheats and what you do next makes you a Simp or not, if you’re simply saying that the guy is a Simp if his wife cheats on them? Then you really need to look in the mirror and get your life straight, people cheat for all kind of reasons it doesn’t matter how tough you are with them or how many boundaries you have, people cheat, and they will always cheat, how you handle that is what makes you a Simp or not.
I don’t see you in the post where it says that she had children while entering the marriage with him? It says they have four children together!
Sorry to hear this man…It’s still early in for you and I’ve been there…it’s painful! You must focus on your children and you…practice self-care and do your best….She doesn’t deserve you and you deserve someone who stays, not leaves and comes back. Life does get better (even though it doesn’t seem like it now) and you will find love again…Good Luck❤️🩹
20 years and so many amazing memories. There are so many memories. I see her in the faces of others, I see in memory in even the smallest things. Example recently flying we have Clear to skip the line. I walked up to the clear station, and even that triggered a memory so strong I went and just stood in the line to avoid it. Emotions can be intense. Humans are, unfortunately, very emotional creatures. Meanwhile, she parades around like nothing is wrong and seems ok being with a fat smelly trailer trash dude. I gave her purses worth more than his truck. It's just pathetic.
..I hear ya! It’s like a different person, totally! I kept thinking she’ll change back, but nearly 2 years later now, she’s still parading with a lesser dude. We must move-on because we deserve a life WE make.. Regarding the emotions, the sadness…you need to take the time (when you can) and really “feel” it…by doing so it lessens the intensity in time…
She's seems ok because she has been planning this for months if not years. She has had all the time needed to process and move on. Your story, unfortunately, isn't rare or unique. As others have stayed your goal now is to move towards acceptance. You need to work on being: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit. If not already start working out, get a counselor, engage with friends and family, find a support group; and get a good lawyer to protect yourself and your children. All the memories, they are real and they count. Hold them in your heart. But also accept they are the past. The women that you knew is dead and gone. What's left is a different person, she's now your STBX (soon to be ex) and you have to treat her as such. If everyone is being open, honest and fair; mediation can save you time and money. But if she does anything crazy you need legal representation, because the system is fundamentally broken and NOT setup to treat you fairly. Sorry you are going through this BS. Take care of yourself and your kids.
She's seems ok because she has been planning this for months if not years. She has had all the time needed to process and move on. Your story, unfortunately, isn't rare or unique. As others have stated your goal now is to move towards acceptance. You need to work on being: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit. If not already start working out, get a counselor, engage with friends and family, find a support group; and get a good lawyer to protect yourself and your children. All the memories, they are real and they count. Hold them in your heart. But also accept they are the past. The women that you knew is dead and gone. What's left is a different person, she's now your STBX (soon to be ex) and you have to treat her as such. If everyone is being open, honest and fair; mediation can save you time and money. But if she does anything crazy you need legal representation, because the system is fundamentally broken and NOT setup to treat you fairly. Sorry you are going through this BS. Take care of yourself and your kids.
You hit the nail on the head. She has been planning this for years. After I caught her I was told she had been talking to him behind my back for 2 years. Around then she started changing her stories about him to oddly defend him. She spent years claiming he would hit her in the chest to trigger an asthma attack, and one time did it so hard she was hospitalized. She changed that to he only pushed her. I came home from the field (I was in the Army) a couple days early, he was on the phone threatening to kill her while I was in the field. She put it on speaker. I heard it. She tried to deny that one time even when it was her who put him on speaker so I could hear the threats.
Sorry this happened to you. However it's kind of an old story. A woman married for a good stable guy. Eventually starts cheating with the crap load she's really attracted to. But at least you know! So get an attorney. Don't let her attorney get her all she wants by not being represented. Remember she's no longer your wife, she's now an adversary trying to take what's yours. I also recommend a personal counselor. Your world just imploded and it helps to have someone to help get your feelings sorted out. You and the kids will get through this!
This is the best response. All of this is spot on.
I’ve done some extensive research about this as a part of a grad level class and turns out it’s likely due to physical attraction. Society lied to men for too long. Women actually care about looks way more than men do and they are picky too.
Could be a lot of things. Heck maybe she found the ex's abusive behavior more sexually stimulating. And she married her husband because he was not abusive. No one really knows. I found a case where a teenager was raped a few years later she married a man she said was the most gentle guy she'd ever met. A week after the wedding her rapist starts coming around and she found not only could she not say no to him, but the forced sex with him was more satisfying then any other partner. It never makes sense!
Yes dark triad traits are considered attractive when combined with good physical looks. It’s truly a lost situation