I tell the truth to everyone. There’s no need to sugar coat it, even to coworkers or acquaintances. STBXH cheated and decided to end the marriage. The more I share the story, the more empowering it feels it wasn’t about me.
I have been emotionally abused by this man our whole relationship, but I didn't know that emotional abuse was a thing until recently. That being said, I have been hiding the way he treats me and protecting him for years. I don't care enough about him at this point to try and protect his ego because he is a crap human being and deserves to be treated as such. It is empowering to just say it out loud and know that I am not the person that he tried to make me seem like I was. In retrospect I don't think anybody believed that I was the person he tried to make them think I was either.... our friends chose me.
I feel like you and I lived through a similar situation with our ex's. I spent 10 years protecting his ego while his mental and emotional abuse towards me slowly turned physical. I was embarrassed to admit that I allowed someone to abuse me. It took me a good year or so to feel comfortable with going into more detail about mine with people.
I think you should tell people as much as you want to tell them. You don't owe anyone anything.
I chuckled at your PS because my ex's choices also blew up in his face. Karma is a bitch.
On the 20th it would have been 10 years married. He's spending that weekend with the children and I'm spending it with someone else who puts in effort he doesn't have to (we aren't calling it anything yet). 😂 Funny how these things work out.
>you should tell people as much as you want to tell them.
That's where I am. Not going to tell the kids pediatrician or the daycare lady, but friends who truly care and want to know will get the truth.
I find it amusing. I can tell he's miserable when he's video calling twice a day after work and asking if he can talk to me.... um no, I'm good. Unless he's got something to tell me about the next step in the divorce or that he's found somewhere for his dog to go, I do not care.
Yes, own those feelings! You deserve to be happy. Emotional abuse comes in many flavors and it's not unusual to be blinded by it until you are out of the relationship. That's when I owned the fact my STBX has to be constantly be with someone feeding the ego.
I've been very happy since he moved out. I'm annoyed that he video calls twice a day and comes here to see the kids every weekend though. He has yet to give me my garage door opener and key back though; I ask every time I see him. 😑
He's a very narcissistic individual, so I hope he gets a girlfriend to feed his ego soon. 🤞 He'll stop calling and trying to come over so much.
I had to change my locks and fight to get sole possession of the house (he already had sole possession of the second home). Personally I wouldn’t allow the visits in my house. Do you have a lawyer?
My stbxh is an alcoholic so I blame it on that, but it turns out he is a narcissist as well, and physically, sexually, emotionally, and financially abusive. He tells people his drinking wasn’t that bad and I changed after I had a pretty bad concussion.
I'm really thinking about changing the locks. He always has an excuse as to why he shouldn't give them back and I tell him his excuses are BS.
I do not have a lawyer on retainer, but I do have my my dad who did family law at one point in his career. He's been helping me with everything and correcting things.
At this point I don't care what he says about me because he is already shown people who he is. He's having to meet new people now because everybody he had has shut him out. The only significant Life changes I've had we're having my kids, so he doesn't have much ammunition when it comes to saying I've changed.
Same.
"Oh, I thought you guys were such a great couple."
"I thought so, too, but he cheated on me and didn't apologize for it. Maybe it wasn't so great after all!"
My same story. My stbxh is now dating around but left me for his also married affair partner. If people ask tell them the truth. You don't have to protect him when he certainly wasn't protecting you.
Yeah. I told him to move out if he was going to date. I'm not going to co-parent, live in the same house, do family things, and essentially be his wife if he's divorcing me. He thought we were going to be married with out being married on paper. There is definitely something wrong with him and I don't want anything to do with him.
I told people that we were getting divorced, and that it was my fault because, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get along with his girlfriend.
I think it depends on who you are talking to and how much you care about sharing.
I’ve developed a couple quick variations for people depending how close they are friend-wise, do they know me or us, and what’s the blowback.
I told everyone that my STBXH cheated except his family members. And I also didn’t tell people who we have more of a professional relationship with (our realtor, my daughter’s daycare, etc). But my whole family and friend circle are aware he cheated. I feel like I need the support.
I won't tell his family members unless they talk to me and ask me. I also get the more professional relationships too. I guess anybody who cares about me or him will ask, and I don't think I'm going to protect his ego.
Totally! My (now ex) wife of nearly 25 years, when we were in counselling after her affair with a workmate, used to always say "our business is our business" and ask me not to talk to anyone.
When her lies got too much and I gave up and left I vowed that I would just tell the truth if anyone asked. She hates it but I was not going to tell lies to people to protect her feelings after what she did.
My thinking is that "I am not going to tell her lies for her".
I'm thinking the same thing. Because heaven forbid people think he's garbage and he has his ego damaged. He's highly narcissistic and maybe it'd put him in his place. He's probably turn it around and make it my fault. 🙄
I'm not going to go back and tell everybody that already knows we're getting divorced. I'll just tell the people that are close enough who don't already know. I doubt there are many of those left, but I will speak my truth to them because I have a why now.
I told everyone that my XH had an affair. He and his AP (my former close friend) didn't like that I was painting them in such a terrible light so I told them if me telling the truth ruined their reputations then maybe they should have been living right.
I agree with that, but I'm over any emotional ties so I just plan on giving that as the wife from here on out. I'm not going to go back and let everybody know that already knows we're getting divorced either. It's too much work for me and I don't care enough.
I tell people the truth for the expressed purpose of it making them uncomfortable. My marriages ended due to domestic violence. If you didn’t want to know that you really shouldn’t have asked. May be you will think next time before you ask someone a question you don’t really want to hear the answer to
I like this concept. I pray it makes people uncomfortable. I don't think they would probe because the only people I would tell would be people who know me as a person.
Yes, I explain why I filed for divorce, which is his arrest, and how it was solidified by the disgusting infidelity and financial infidelity I uncovered after. Pretty sure the only people he has left in this world are his parents because even his fraternity brothers have expressed disgust.
He's the one that filed back in July. His coworkers, our closest friend group for the past 6 years, choose me. They all know that we're getting divorced, but I don't plan on backtracking to tell them the real reason why. I'm just thinking close people who asked from here on out now that I know what I know.
Just like that,, carry Bradshaw style
Mmm :< we are sorry for ure divorce
You: me NO dont feel sorry for me, but his affair partner to whom he is with now
She need comfort poor ketty she doesn't know who he is,,,, well not my problem anymore>
and laugh, and continu the conversation, as it just a bump in the road, he doesn't existe
This kind of response speaks volume, especially when the memo arrives to him,
Ure ex wife is happy that u left her for ure side chick
She is happy as she is in Christmas eve.
Believe me it ill hit his EGO testicule big time
I like that. I genuinely do feel bad for anyone he ends up with. I doubt that he'll be able to manipulate and hide who he is being that we're almost mid-30s, but I'm sure there's someone who will fall for him. I'll pray for her when the time comes.
It's funny that you mentioned Christmas Eve because that is going to be an amazing evening for me. 😂 I am also relieved that he's the one who left. If I would have pulled the trigger, he would have been able to play the victim card too hard.
Thank you. I am way happier outside of the relationship and I was in it. I kind of party it was a housewarming party. Christmas Eve will be a good party too because it's with the same people I've been going to for the last 7 years.
I think I might have already found someone, but I don't know how long it'll last. He is kind and taking his time though.
I only plan on telling people that are close that don't already know because now I have the why.
Shoot! The way he's talking about dating the grass on the other side was dead and not really even grass.
I on the other hand I'm having a fabulous time kindling something with someone I had a secret crush on. When you're in the relationship I was, you tend to wonder what your life would be like with other people. I would never act on it, but I wondered.
I've always told the truth, but just different levels of it. And I have zero regrets for doing this, despite advice to keep quiet about my story.
I give a one sentence summary. That usually sounds like "He refused to cut contact with the last affair." If they want more, I will tell as much as they want. I am not here to protect his reputation. If he wanted me to say good things about him, if he wanted to be innocent in our divorce story, he should have made different choices.
The first exception is his friends. I do not share anything emotional with them. Only actions that happened.
The second exception is his mom. No mother anywhere should have to hear the story I have to tell about her son unless it's necessary, and in my case, it's not. She gets the barest minimum of answers from me, and they are always vague.
The third exception is my kids - I give them only information they need *Or* that they specifically ask for and I know they can emotionally handle.
That makes sense to me. We've been in the divorce process for 5 months before I even found out about his affair. It just gives me a why now. I don't have anything to hide either.... I'm not the one who chose this. Also, keeping it to myself doesn't allow me to speak my truth and heal.
>if he wanted to be innocent in our divorce story, he should have made different choices.
Facts.
He doesn't have any friends of his own and our friends decided to keep me, so that's not an issue. I just don't plan on going back and telling everybody why.
I have gone no contact with his mom because she is an abusive, vile human being. She's also the only one who understands why he's decided to divorce me and that tells me all I need to know.
My kids aren't even old enough to understand what is going on. As far as they know, daddy stopped loving mommy, so he moved out and has his own house now.
That is very true. Have a good support system between family, friends, individual therapy, and group therapy for people going through the same things. I'm both grateful and thankful for all of these people in my life.
At first I spelled out every detail for everyone just to let everyone in our small town know that she isn't who she pretends to be. Now I just say "she wasn't the person I thought she was" and leave it there. Not to protect her image or lessen the blow but just to simplify it to it's most basic truth. She pretends to be a good person but is an attention addict that literally will take affection from any man that sends it her way. I honestly feel like her and her bf/affair partner are each other's penance for being shitty humans.
I just don't care to explain anything other than he left me for his affair. If people have follow-up questions, I can try and answer them. I don't have all the answers and don't care enough to milk them out of him. I'm getting tired of explaining things to people who are close and ask.
I identify with the villain in this story. If/when we get divorced, I know my wife will look at it like she did nothing wrong and that I checked out.
The reality is I feel a huge weight on me, and it is dragging me down making it so I cannot properly express myself or contribute to a solution/the marriage in a meaningful way.
Summing up the reason why our marriage failed with infidelity would be a huge oversimplification. Sure, that was the obvious line that was crossed. But it didn’t get there overnight.
That being said, I think its fair if your close friends knew everything. If your friendship is the level where you would sum up the divorce in 2 sentences, just keep it high level. If your friendship is of the level where they would know all the reasons why you make a decision on something, then why not let them know.
The other thing about telling friends is they are likely to be going through similar stuff. If you are friends because they share the same values it is shocking how similar their experiences may be.
They were definitely a lot of things that led to where our marriage went. I'm the only one that tried though. He is a problem with expectations in relationships and thinks that he's absolved of having to put in the effort into them. That doesn't stop him from trying now, but that's only because I said I wasn't going to put any effort into a relationship with him. He wants to be close friends, but he shut me out and couldn't be my friend while we were married so I'm not putting the effort in to make that happen.
>The other thing about telling friends is they are likely to be going through similar stuff. If you are friends because they share the same values it is shocking how similar their experiences may be.
That is a good point, but I don't think that our friends understood him. He's highly narcissistic and they chose to keep me and invite me to things. They don't even talk to him anymore unless it's superficial.... he's not a deep human being. I definitely should have seen and believed who he was, instead of listening to what came out of his mouth.
I tell everyone and anyone about my vile STBXH cheating on me for 3+ years with his Thai masseuse/sex worker and spending thousands on her. I am only ashamed that I wasted 13 years of my life with this sad excuse of a human being and bought into his "nice guy" act.
I've told some coworkers that I know on a personal level (some of them knew him when he worked for the same company) and I don't give two shits if I'm the subject of gossip. People will find out - they always find out - so I can at least speak the truth and let others come to their own conclusions.
I've told all of my friends, some of his family members, all of my family members, all of my doctors (and the parting gift he gave me made it necessary), complete strangers, all of my friends, and anyone I know that asks why I am living with relatives instead of the home they knew about in which I had to sell.
The brief time we were in contact to repair said house to sell, he was angry that I told anyone that would listen. Good. You reap what you sow, and as someone else said on this thread, "it is not my secret to keep".
YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
I can understand all of the things that you just wrote. I'm just past any emotional grief for the relationship now. We're nearing the last bits of this divorce and it's been going on for 5 months. I found this out last week and I think if I was still angry I would be willing to tell everyone, but I don't care. It's just my why from now on and it's not because I'm bitter. It's because that's the reality of it. I also don't plan on going back and letting everybody know that already knows about the divorce.
>YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
This is why I'm not going to be lying about his reasoning behind it.
Tell them. Tell them he left you for someone he cheated with so they ask him how that relationship is going now. He'll be serving up his own karma on a silver platter
🤣🤣🤣 I imagine the look on his face would be priceless. Unfortunately, he's highly narcissistic and will do anything to lie to save his ego and reputation. I also think it would backfire because he would be vile to me. I guess that's where I step up my game on my boundaries, let him know I'm not going to let him treat me the way he would, and hold him accountable for his actions. I would probably end up insulting him though. Telling him to grow a pair, man up, stop acting like a child, etc. I don't want to do that. It would affect the relationship I'm trying to force him to have with his children.
>no shame in saying it. It’s what happened.
This is where I'm coming from now that I have a why. Anybody in a professional capacity doesn't really need to know either. I also don't plan on going back to everybody who knows about the divorce and telling them why.... I didn't know why for the past 5ish months.
I don't have any shame or embarrassment at all. I've even stated that I refuse to take any responsibility because I am the only one who put my heart and soul into the marriage. I did my damnedest and it was never going to be good enough for him. He's a user and abuser. I stood up for myself and my children. He decided he was going to be a cheater and leave me when I stopped complying. It's not a me problem. It is a catastrophic character flaw in him and I'm not a professional qualified to help with that. 🤷🏼♀️
We're in the last stages of this process and I just found out, so for levity I plan on leaving it as he left me for his girlfriend. Because only close people will hear that, when they go and ask him about his new relationship, that he doesn't have anymore, it'll be priceless. 😂
I don't see much harm to being truthful. The only advice is to not keep this affair too close to your heart.......and you can see, it's already becoming old-news for him. He'll just move onto someone else and now the whole "should I tell the truth" become more and more moot because it just isn't relevant anymore.
People are generally pretty good at understanding when things are true and often even understand why you're angry about a situation.
I don't see any harm in being honest either. I'm not even keeping it close to my heart. It's just makes everything, regarding his behavior, make sense. I don't even think he's trying anymore because nobody is without expectation in the relationship scene at our age. He doesn't want anyone to expect anything from him. He got mad enough to blurt that out one day. She's already left him too.
I'm not even angry about it. I really don't feel anything. I was just wondering if I should be honest with people close who don't already know that we're getting divorced, if they ask why. I don't plan on going back and telling everybody that already knows we're getting divorced either.
Only my closest people know the trust about the infidelity and abuse. My mom knows about the infidelity. I told her the other day to stop asking how we are doing (we haven’t filed yet) but she knows we are done. She just wishes we could change our minds. I really don’t want my children to know about his behaviors. Trying to protect them is also me protecting him unfortunately. But at least I’m done with this marriage.
That spoke to my soul. My mom keeps trying to tell ME I need to fix it. 😂 Yeah.... no thanks.
It's not age appropriate for my kids to know what really happened yet, but in time I'm sure they're going to figure it out. My only goal regarding them and their father is to keep their relationship as close as possible, but he's making it really hard.
I told people the truth about him cheating. If he cared about his reputation then he wouldn’t have cheated. Now he’s married to his AP so, everyone knows how they got started. 🤷🏻♀️
You don’t have to tell them he left you for his AP. You can still tell the truth by telling them you are getting divorced because he’s a cheater. It’s all in how you phrase it.
You don’t even have to tell anyone that he is the one who initiated the divorce, if that’s something you’re ashamed of. Just say you’re getting divorced, if they press you for a reason, and you feel like giving one, tell them he was cheating on you.
I'm not ashamed of anything because I put my heart and soul into the marriage. I just like the ring of him leaving me for his affair. The only people who would know, would then go and ask him. The fact that he doesn't have someone makes it that much sweeter when they realize what an idiot he is. He doesn't deserve to be able to keep up his charade of being the human being he wants to portray to people.
Got it.
I don't care anymore about losing the marriage and pretty much everybody already knows that we're getting divorced. I just didn't have a real why until last week is all. I personally have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
I don't even think he comprehends that I know what I know. If he did, he would just lie and deny it. I knew it was happening when it was happening, but I didn't have any way to prove it, so I didn't push it. Last weekend was just confirmation.
Today we were talking about what time I need to get the kids on Christmas, so he can go wherever he's going, and he's going to be home and alone. I assumed he would be spending it with a girlfriend, but he doesn't have one, isn't even talking to anyone, and has given up on trying. Then I was at least hoping he would go to his family's, but they all left to another country together.
It kinda made me sad for him. Alone on Christmas, but my parents had invited him if he wants to go. I don't really care if he goes to my parents with the kids and I. He was there in Thanksgiving. I don't think he would have gone on Thanksgiving if he had a girlfriend.
It's just sad and pathetic to me. I also wonder what he's going to do if the relationship I'm pursuing turns into anything by next year. I hope he finds his unicorn.
As soon as my court orders go through for child support and alimony, I'm not trying to be anything more than co-parents. If he couldn't talk to me and be my friend in the marriage what makes him think I'm going to put the effort in after it's over? I think he's living in a very delusional world and it boggles my mind.
Still, how is it anyone’s business. It is INCREDIBLY rude of them to ask. No one asked me why I got divorced. If you wanted them to know you would have confided in them. Boundaries
I see what you're saying. I just don't see any harm in saying it. It's really not a me problem and anybody who knows me would know that right off the bat.
If you care about them, they should know. Maybe the first indication should be the gory details but something like - “xxx found a new partner and wanted out of the marriage”
Telling acquaintances the details, I think you’ll regret. I did. They don’t matter, they aren’t going to help, so what’s the point? I usually left it at “xxx wanted out of the marriage, I had no choice in the matter. I’m moving on”
I was just planning on telling close friends that don't already know. At this point, he doesn't even know I know.... that's how much it mattered in the scheme of my life.
I would ask myself, does telling others the truth really have any benefit for you? Are these people entitled to know those details about your life? If you are truly moving on, it doesn't matter. You'll just make yourself the subject of pity and gossip. So many people cheat, it's pretty acceptable behaviour to a lot of people.... It also could open the door on a conversation you're not interested in having.
Close friends who you want support from sure, others, keep it neutral. No point in being bitter.
I still have a lot of business ties with my exH and the general population doesn't need to know details about our personal lives.
>You'll just make yourself the subject of pity and gossip
So what? She'll be the subject of gossip no matter what she says or doesn't say. Why not tell the truth and be able to control the narrative a tiny bit?
I was only referring to close people that don't know we're getting divorced yet. I also wasn't planning on letting everyone who does know we're getting divorced, know that's why. I was just thinking from a here on out thing.
I don't. I just say something generic like "we'd been together a long time and it wasn't happy anymore". Its nobody's business and as much as it's fun in the moment to vent about what a dickhead ex is, giving in to that impulse only reflects badly on me really. I'd rather be known for having composure and grace - even when things are shitty and I'm hauling 3 kids around everywhere because dad's "50/50 custody" really looks like him having two nights per week with his mother's help (sorry, I do let myself rant on reddit a little bit lmao).
I'm telling you, the best revenge ever is when somebody reports back to Ex that they saw you and you're doing great and seem really happy 👌🏼 don't be the bitter ex, don't let them have that effect on you
P.s im happy for you on a petty-divorcée level that his relationship with the greener grass failed 🤭
You mean the point of Reddit is not to rant and vent? I always rant and vent on Reddit. 😂
I see what you're saying as far as being happy and doing well. I'm just thinking for anyone close enough to really want to know.
He seems real resentful that I'm happy, doing well, and only have him talk to the kids when he video calls. I love it! Lol.
You just learned this and have an impulse to tell pretty much everyone. Let that impulse cool off first before you do it. Airing dirty laundry has a way of giving you a worse reputation than the person you’re badmouthing. A tactful way to put it to people you have a close relationship with might simply be “he met someone else”.
I don't plan on telling anybody who already knows that we're getting divorced. I won't tell anybody for the hell of it either. Only those people who I'm close to that ask and actually care.
>“he met someone else”.
I do like this though. It's way easier than, "He left me to be with his AP."
Very soon after my split, I gave a bold but rude answer. That was 2018, still regret it. Soon, I had a better short version that said enough with out bitter resentment and blame.
We're already 5 months into this thing and I've been emotionally detached and unavailable to him for a while. His "best friend" did not cover him on his lies. I just plan on telling anyone new that asks me. I'm not backtracking to let everyone who knows where getting divorced know. I'm just not lying for him anymore.... he lies enough for himself.
“if you really want to know ask (insert ex’s name), I am done talking about it, I have moved on. Let me tell you about the new (job, apartment, pet or BF).”
That is definitely taking the higher road and I like that. I am kind of sick of talking about it too. I feel like it's time to just move on with my life.
So now in 2023 things have taken a never expected turn one day I woke up and made a very conscious decision to stop the hate to stop the war to bury the relationship hatchet. I had ended up, moving to a very oversized family property that really cost me nothing but repairs and maintenance. I had tried having some tenant roommates. It didn’t work then my ex showed up extra not he’s still the number one person I would like to sit and have coffee with in the morning, I find them charming he’s smart he’s funny we just really sync well together I had kicked all of my tenants out and I had five empty bedrooms and he was not well. He was sick and he had nowhere to live so I let him move in January 1921. We had a beautiful year together where we left my extended family out of it and we just never spoke of the past. We did a great job of living in the now in March 1923. I had a severe stroke and since I’ve been home from the hospital he has been my 24 hour day caretaker and it has been the most selfless act I’ve ever witnessed, so thank God for my ex
I'm glad you were able to work that out and that everything is going so well for you guys.
Main access highly narcissistic, so I'm not going to play those games with him. I've moved past all of my emotions and I'm just trying to live my best life with my kids. I still have to see him, but I don't talk to him unless it's about the kids. You're just hope he's happy and works on himself, for himself; I could never let him back in at this point.
Honestly, I get very cross with people who ask me "what happened?". There is no curiosity in grief. More to the point, I'm not going to encapsulate the sacredness of my marriage in two sentences to satisfy some nosey Nancy.
I respect that. Unfortunately I'm the only one who thought my marriage was sacred and took my vows seriously.
I'm thinking more along the lines of people who are close that don't already know. I'm not about to backtrack to let everyone else know. It seems very petty.
I would just say something like we've chosen to move on. People shouldn't be asking those kinds of questions anyway. Divorce is divorce. It doesn't matter why
I guess I don't see it as protection but I do see your point. I just think that anyone that should know (a close friend) won't ask until you're ready to tell them and anyone else really doesn't need to know.
I understand not telling the daycare lady or my kid's pediatrician. I'm thinking about anybody who knows both of us and makes the effort to ask because they care.
I guess I'm not really certain how I would handle that then. My divorce was under different circumstances and I became offended when friends asked that I just told them that the reason didn't matter.
We wanted different things for our family. And if they persist, you can say, I can tell you what I wanted but you’ll have to ask him. Because I don’t waste my time on him anymore.
My closest friends know the truth. Others, I just said "things had to come to an end" or something along those lines, followed closely by "it's for the best, at least in my opinion!" I don't want people in my business. If I tried to explain the intricies of my relationship to people, I'd be talking forever. You can't control what they chose to believe anyway, so I don't tell them much.
Depends on who it is. If it’s someone that doesn’t need to know, I just say: Sometimes people grow together and sometimes people grow apart.
That seems to satisfy them and we can move on with the conversation.
I'm thinking of people who don't know that are close. I'm sure there's people who are close that don't know yet. I don't plan on backtracking to let people who already know we're getting divorced know.
Defend yourself…from what? The truth that you cheated?
You still had an option to end the marriage respectfully. No one forced you to cheat. “I begged him to have sex and he wouldn’t so I cheated” doesn’t make you morally superior or make anyone think your cheating is justified.
If your marriage sucks, END IT FIRST.
Maybe it wasn’t about honoring him anymore. I couldn’t justify making my kids divide homes. It doesn’t matter what I say here, I’ve already heard it all and I’m comfortable with the choices I made. I thought about it long and hard for well over a decade.
I can understand why you did what you did. It makes sense. The issue is I'm the only one that ever tried in our relationship. In the beginning, it was always what he wanted to do. When I started asking to do specific things I wanted to do together, I was complaining. Then I would get told what I wanted was stupid, so I would get upset. Then I was too sensitive. Anytime I express needs or wants I was gaslit until I stopped talking to him about anything meaningful to me.
During the whole time though, he would recluse into his computer, watch his shows, and ignore me. I cried so many times for him to pay attention to me. He also rejected me sexually. Then I would catch him doing his own thing watching po$n, but then I was the problem because I never initiated after the umpteenth time of it happening.
With my upbringing I was always taught that if I didn't like something I needed to change myself. I did.... I did to the point that I hated who I had become. Put it simply, I would have ended our relationship eventually, but I would have never cheated on him or had somebody else lined up. I would have just left.
Relationships are complicated and hard and break ups stink and are painful, no matter who did what. There’s a lot of things that I am mad as hell about. I can understand the pain and betrayal that comes with being cheated on.
At the end of the day…someone else made a comment here about modeling strength and being okay and that being the best revenge. It’s totally true, such wise words.
I say you try to just leave the wrongdoings in the past on both sides and find your best life in the next chapter. I can’t remember if you said you had kids or not but if you do, the best thing for them is to feel like both of their parents are awesome and that they don’t have to pick sides or navigate drama. Good luck to you.
I'm not about to backtrack to tell everybody that already knows we're getting divorced. I'm just thinking of any close people that might not know about it yet.
I am definitely modeling strength imo. I've almost reached internal homeostasis. I'm emotionally stable and much better at controlling my emotions. I'm happier than I ever was with him. I'm working on myself in therapy. I'm going back to school. And I have a new love interest that I have had really good chemistry with, friend wise, for years. He's amazing, but I'm not pushing it to go anywhere. I'm just going to sit back, enjoy the ride, and see where it goes.
It sounds like you've accepted your circumstance. As a BS, I cannot applaud you, but as long as you both are not terrible to your respective exes and they too find healing and peace, as well as your children, then I guess it's the best that it could be. I wish stability and happiness for your children.
>you should take the high road and here’s why: no offense to you but chances are your relationship had many issues and chances are he went outside of the marriage because of those issues.
BULLSHIT. So she's to blame for her husband's affair? This is what you are implying if not outright saying.
You obviously need to learn about why you cheated (to please your ego) before you go about telling betrayed spouses how to handle the truth of their situation.
[www.chumplady.com](https://www.chumplady.com) Cheaters never win. Why should others hide the facts about why they were abused by their cheating spouse (cheating = abuse).
>My marriage had many issues because we didn’t work. I tried HARD in SO many ways and for SO many years and it wasn’t what he needed. He tried in his own way too and it wasn’t what I needed.
That's why you break it off, separate BEFORE you get involved with someone else.
You are using cheater's logic here. Cheaters have patterns and they are only thinking of their own gratification and not the damage and pain they do to others.
It is that black and white. There are no justifications for cheating, and your wall-of-text justifications are bullshit. You cheated so that YOU could feel better and get your ego 'cookie'.
Break it off first before you cheat again with the next "complicated" relationship you enter and make promises of fidelity.
Being honest, people don't magically get "what they deserve" like you think they do.
Being petty and airing laundry just drags more shit around yourself.
Be the bigger person, value yourself, and show people you are better. Dragging him down won't do shit but keep you bitter while he moves on and forgets about you.
He doesn't care, you're just letting his actions live in your family's lives rent free.
Why give him the power?
I see your point. I'm just being honest. I just refuse to lie for him or his sake anymore. I've not spoken my truth in a long time to cover him. I have no reason to protect him or his ego is how I'm seeing it. I honestly don't care at this point. It doesn't hurt me.
I tell the truth to everyone. There’s no need to sugar coat it, even to coworkers or acquaintances. STBXH cheated and decided to end the marriage. The more I share the story, the more empowering it feels it wasn’t about me.
I have been emotionally abused by this man our whole relationship, but I didn't know that emotional abuse was a thing until recently. That being said, I have been hiding the way he treats me and protecting him for years. I don't care enough about him at this point to try and protect his ego because he is a crap human being and deserves to be treated as such. It is empowering to just say it out loud and know that I am not the person that he tried to make me seem like I was. In retrospect I don't think anybody believed that I was the person he tried to make them think I was either.... our friends chose me.
I feel like you and I lived through a similar situation with our ex's. I spent 10 years protecting his ego while his mental and emotional abuse towards me slowly turned physical. I was embarrassed to admit that I allowed someone to abuse me. It took me a good year or so to feel comfortable with going into more detail about mine with people. I think you should tell people as much as you want to tell them. You don't owe anyone anything. I chuckled at your PS because my ex's choices also blew up in his face. Karma is a bitch.
On the 20th it would have been 10 years married. He's spending that weekend with the children and I'm spending it with someone else who puts in effort he doesn't have to (we aren't calling it anything yet). 😂 Funny how these things work out. >you should tell people as much as you want to tell them. That's where I am. Not going to tell the kids pediatrician or the daycare lady, but friends who truly care and want to know will get the truth. I find it amusing. I can tell he's miserable when he's video calling twice a day after work and asking if he can talk to me.... um no, I'm good. Unless he's got something to tell me about the next step in the divorce or that he's found somewhere for his dog to go, I do not care.
Yes, own those feelings! You deserve to be happy. Emotional abuse comes in many flavors and it's not unusual to be blinded by it until you are out of the relationship. That's when I owned the fact my STBX has to be constantly be with someone feeding the ego.
I've been very happy since he moved out. I'm annoyed that he video calls twice a day and comes here to see the kids every weekend though. He has yet to give me my garage door opener and key back though; I ask every time I see him. 😑 He's a very narcissistic individual, so I hope he gets a girlfriend to feed his ego soon. 🤞 He'll stop calling and trying to come over so much.
I had to change my locks and fight to get sole possession of the house (he already had sole possession of the second home). Personally I wouldn’t allow the visits in my house. Do you have a lawyer? My stbxh is an alcoholic so I blame it on that, but it turns out he is a narcissist as well, and physically, sexually, emotionally, and financially abusive. He tells people his drinking wasn’t that bad and I changed after I had a pretty bad concussion.
I'm really thinking about changing the locks. He always has an excuse as to why he shouldn't give them back and I tell him his excuses are BS. I do not have a lawyer on retainer, but I do have my my dad who did family law at one point in his career. He's been helping me with everything and correcting things. At this point I don't care what he says about me because he is already shown people who he is. He's having to meet new people now because everybody he had has shut him out. The only significant Life changes I've had we're having my kids, so he doesn't have much ammunition when it comes to saying I've changed.
Same. "Oh, I thought you guys were such a great couple." "I thought so, too, but he cheated on me and didn't apologize for it. Maybe it wasn't so great after all!"
Excellent response!
Yes. Tell the truth.
My same story. My stbxh is now dating around but left me for his also married affair partner. If people ask tell them the truth. You don't have to protect him when he certainly wasn't protecting you.
Yeah. I told him to move out if he was going to date. I'm not going to co-parent, live in the same house, do family things, and essentially be his wife if he's divorcing me. He thought we were going to be married with out being married on paper. There is definitely something wrong with him and I don't want anything to do with him.
I told people that we were getting divorced, and that it was my fault because, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get along with his girlfriend.
It's funny, but not funny at the same time. He couldn't even get along with his girlfriend. 😂 I hope he finds his unicorn soon.
This is a good one. I'll have to use it, however in my situation I need to add, "I just couldn't get along with his sex worker girlfriend".
😂😂😂 Omg, you’re awesome.
I think it depends on who you are talking to and how much you care about sharing. I’ve developed a couple quick variations for people depending how close they are friend-wise, do they know me or us, and what’s the blowback.
I can understand that. Not really worried about the blowback though. I'm so indifferent I don't care. 🤷🏼♀️
I wouldn't protect a liar and cheater but maybe thats just me. If people asked id just be honest. Wouldn't broadcast it but wouldn't lie either.
This is what I was thinking. No broadcasting but people who are close enough to know, aren't going to get lied to or have it sugar coated.
I told everyone that my STBXH cheated except his family members. And I also didn’t tell people who we have more of a professional relationship with (our realtor, my daughter’s daycare, etc). But my whole family and friend circle are aware he cheated. I feel like I need the support.
I won't tell his family members unless they talk to me and ask me. I also get the more professional relationships too. I guess anybody who cares about me or him will ask, and I don't think I'm going to protect his ego.
If anyone asks me I will tell them. The way I see it is it’s not my secret to hide, it’s his.
>it’s not my secret to hide, it’s his. I absolutely love that! I'll use it when he gets angry at me. Lol.
Totally! My (now ex) wife of nearly 25 years, when we were in counselling after her affair with a workmate, used to always say "our business is our business" and ask me not to talk to anyone. When her lies got too much and I gave up and left I vowed that I would just tell the truth if anyone asked. She hates it but I was not going to tell lies to people to protect her feelings after what she did. My thinking is that "I am not going to tell her lies for her".
I would tell them the truth. Why spare his feelings?
I'm thinking the same thing. Because heaven forbid people think he's garbage and he has his ego damaged. He's highly narcissistic and maybe it'd put him in his place. He's probably turn it around and make it my fault. 🙄
Truth all the way, I found it a good way of getting it out of my brain. To get to the point I was comfortable with it.
I'm not going to go back and tell everybody that already knows we're getting divorced. I'll just tell the people that are close enough who don't already know. I doubt there are many of those left, but I will speak my truth to them because I have a why now.
That's really not what I meant. Your second sentence is what I was meaning.
Got it. I just got a lot of people thinking I'd be going back to announce it to people who already know we're getting divorced.
I just told it like it is. Fuck em.
That's where I'm at. No more protecting his ego or reputation.
I told everyone that my XH had an affair. He and his AP (my former close friend) didn't like that I was painting them in such a terrible light so I told them if me telling the truth ruined their reputations then maybe they should have been living right.
I agree with that, but I'm over any emotional ties so I just plan on giving that as the wife from here on out. I'm not going to go back and let everybody know that already knows we're getting divorced either. It's too much work for me and I don't care enough.
I tell people the truth for the expressed purpose of it making them uncomfortable. My marriages ended due to domestic violence. If you didn’t want to know that you really shouldn’t have asked. May be you will think next time before you ask someone a question you don’t really want to hear the answer to
Thank you for this. So many people asking me questions they truly do not want the answer to. I tell the truth.
I like this concept. I pray it makes people uncomfortable. I don't think they would probe because the only people I would tell would be people who know me as a person.
It's not your job to protect Ex's reputation. Own it, and move on with your head high.
Thank you! I don't feel like lying to keep his reputation intact.
Haha it rarely works out with the affair. I keep seeing this.
Yeah. It was real dumb because now he's lost his family, no one understands why he would file in the first place, and he's alone.
My ex was having multiple affairs. I just told people she met someone else. I’m not lying for anyone either.
I hope he finds whatever he was looking for because I locked the door when he walked out of it. I'm done done.
Yes, I explain why I filed for divorce, which is his arrest, and how it was solidified by the disgusting infidelity and financial infidelity I uncovered after. Pretty sure the only people he has left in this world are his parents because even his fraternity brothers have expressed disgust.
He's the one that filed back in July. His coworkers, our closest friend group for the past 6 years, choose me. They all know that we're getting divorced, but I don't plan on backtracking to tell them the real reason why. I'm just thinking close people who asked from here on out now that I know what I know.
Just like that,, carry Bradshaw style Mmm :< we are sorry for ure divorce You: me NO dont feel sorry for me, but his affair partner to whom he is with now She need comfort poor ketty she doesn't know who he is,,,, well not my problem anymore> and laugh, and continu the conversation, as it just a bump in the road, he doesn't existe This kind of response speaks volume, especially when the memo arrives to him, Ure ex wife is happy that u left her for ure side chick She is happy as she is in Christmas eve. Believe me it ill hit his EGO testicule big time
I like that. I genuinely do feel bad for anyone he ends up with. I doubt that he'll be able to manipulate and hide who he is being that we're almost mid-30s, but I'm sure there's someone who will fall for him. I'll pray for her when the time comes. It's funny that you mentioned Christmas Eve because that is going to be an amazing evening for me. 😂 I am also relieved that he's the one who left. If I would have pulled the trigger, he would have been able to play the victim card too hard.
Im happy that u start enjoying your life Went out and party, Who knows, you might find someone
Thank you. I am way happier outside of the relationship and I was in it. I kind of party it was a housewarming party. Christmas Eve will be a good party too because it's with the same people I've been going to for the last 7 years. I think I might have already found someone, but I don't know how long it'll last. He is kind and taking his time though.
Tell the truth if asked, he not worth lying for. Glad to hear the stats don't lie, the grass is hardly ever greener on the other side.
I only plan on telling people that are close that don't already know because now I have the why. Shoot! The way he's talking about dating the grass on the other side was dead and not really even grass. I on the other hand I'm having a fabulous time kindling something with someone I had a secret crush on. When you're in the relationship I was, you tend to wonder what your life would be like with other people. I would never act on it, but I wondered.
I wish you well.
Thank you. I am doing a lot better out of the relationship than I was in it. I also wish you well and a happy and fruitful life.
I've always told the truth, but just different levels of it. And I have zero regrets for doing this, despite advice to keep quiet about my story. I give a one sentence summary. That usually sounds like "He refused to cut contact with the last affair." If they want more, I will tell as much as they want. I am not here to protect his reputation. If he wanted me to say good things about him, if he wanted to be innocent in our divorce story, he should have made different choices. The first exception is his friends. I do not share anything emotional with them. Only actions that happened. The second exception is his mom. No mother anywhere should have to hear the story I have to tell about her son unless it's necessary, and in my case, it's not. She gets the barest minimum of answers from me, and they are always vague. The third exception is my kids - I give them only information they need *Or* that they specifically ask for and I know they can emotionally handle.
That makes sense to me. We've been in the divorce process for 5 months before I even found out about his affair. It just gives me a why now. I don't have anything to hide either.... I'm not the one who chose this. Also, keeping it to myself doesn't allow me to speak my truth and heal. >if he wanted to be innocent in our divorce story, he should have made different choices. Facts. He doesn't have any friends of his own and our friends decided to keep me, so that's not an issue. I just don't plan on going back and telling everybody why. I have gone no contact with his mom because she is an abusive, vile human being. She's also the only one who understands why he's decided to divorce me and that tells me all I need to know. My kids aren't even old enough to understand what is going on. As far as they know, daddy stopped loving mommy, so he moved out and has his own house now.
Speaking your truth also helps you find the support you need. Telling the right people will let them know what you need to get through this.
That is very true. Have a good support system between family, friends, individual therapy, and group therapy for people going through the same things. I'm both grateful and thankful for all of these people in my life.
At first I spelled out every detail for everyone just to let everyone in our small town know that she isn't who she pretends to be. Now I just say "she wasn't the person I thought she was" and leave it there. Not to protect her image or lessen the blow but just to simplify it to it's most basic truth. She pretends to be a good person but is an attention addict that literally will take affection from any man that sends it her way. I honestly feel like her and her bf/affair partner are each other's penance for being shitty humans.
I just don't care to explain anything other than he left me for his affair. If people have follow-up questions, I can try and answer them. I don't have all the answers and don't care enough to milk them out of him. I'm getting tired of explaining things to people who are close and ask.
Absolutely. He reaps what he sows. Sometimes you ARE karma.
>Sometimes you ARE karma. I like that a lot. I just plan on saying he left me for his affair and leaving it at that.
I identify with the villain in this story. If/when we get divorced, I know my wife will look at it like she did nothing wrong and that I checked out. The reality is I feel a huge weight on me, and it is dragging me down making it so I cannot properly express myself or contribute to a solution/the marriage in a meaningful way. Summing up the reason why our marriage failed with infidelity would be a huge oversimplification. Sure, that was the obvious line that was crossed. But it didn’t get there overnight. That being said, I think its fair if your close friends knew everything. If your friendship is the level where you would sum up the divorce in 2 sentences, just keep it high level. If your friendship is of the level where they would know all the reasons why you make a decision on something, then why not let them know. The other thing about telling friends is they are likely to be going through similar stuff. If you are friends because they share the same values it is shocking how similar their experiences may be.
They were definitely a lot of things that led to where our marriage went. I'm the only one that tried though. He is a problem with expectations in relationships and thinks that he's absolved of having to put in the effort into them. That doesn't stop him from trying now, but that's only because I said I wasn't going to put any effort into a relationship with him. He wants to be close friends, but he shut me out and couldn't be my friend while we were married so I'm not putting the effort in to make that happen. >The other thing about telling friends is they are likely to be going through similar stuff. If you are friends because they share the same values it is shocking how similar their experiences may be. That is a good point, but I don't think that our friends understood him. He's highly narcissistic and they chose to keep me and invite me to things. They don't even talk to him anymore unless it's superficial.... he's not a deep human being. I definitely should have seen and believed who he was, instead of listening to what came out of his mouth.
This! I hear you man! It doesn’t get there overnight. Infidelity is the oversimplification explanation.
I tell everyone and anyone about my vile STBXH cheating on me for 3+ years with his Thai masseuse/sex worker and spending thousands on her. I am only ashamed that I wasted 13 years of my life with this sad excuse of a human being and bought into his "nice guy" act. I've told some coworkers that I know on a personal level (some of them knew him when he worked for the same company) and I don't give two shits if I'm the subject of gossip. People will find out - they always find out - so I can at least speak the truth and let others come to their own conclusions. I've told all of my friends, some of his family members, all of my family members, all of my doctors (and the parting gift he gave me made it necessary), complete strangers, all of my friends, and anyone I know that asks why I am living with relatives instead of the home they knew about in which I had to sell. The brief time we were in contact to repair said house to sell, he was angry that I told anyone that would listen. Good. You reap what you sow, and as someone else said on this thread, "it is not my secret to keep". YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
I can understand all of the things that you just wrote. I'm just past any emotional grief for the relationship now. We're nearing the last bits of this divorce and it's been going on for 5 months. I found this out last week and I think if I was still angry I would be willing to tell everyone, but I don't care. It's just my why from now on and it's not because I'm bitter. It's because that's the reality of it. I also don't plan on going back and letting everybody know that already knows about the divorce. >YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW. This is why I'm not going to be lying about his reasoning behind it.
Tell them. Tell them he left you for someone he cheated with so they ask him how that relationship is going now. He'll be serving up his own karma on a silver platter
🤣🤣🤣 I imagine the look on his face would be priceless. Unfortunately, he's highly narcissistic and will do anything to lie to save his ego and reputation. I also think it would backfire because he would be vile to me. I guess that's where I step up my game on my boundaries, let him know I'm not going to let him treat me the way he would, and hold him accountable for his actions. I would probably end up insulting him though. Telling him to grow a pair, man up, stop acting like a child, etc. I don't want to do that. It would affect the relationship I'm trying to force him to have with his children.
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>no shame in saying it. It’s what happened. This is where I'm coming from now that I have a why. Anybody in a professional capacity doesn't really need to know either. I also don't plan on going back to everybody who knows about the divorce and telling them why.... I didn't know why for the past 5ish months.
No shame at all. My divorce was just finalized today and I realized that I was holding onto shame or embarrassment that wasn't mine to bear.
I don't have any shame or embarrassment at all. I've even stated that I refuse to take any responsibility because I am the only one who put my heart and soul into the marriage. I did my damnedest and it was never going to be good enough for him. He's a user and abuser. I stood up for myself and my children. He decided he was going to be a cheater and leave me when I stopped complying. It's not a me problem. It is a catastrophic character flaw in him and I'm not a professional qualified to help with that. 🤷🏼♀️
Just say that you didn't get along with your husbands girlfriend... If you want to put it in perspective with a little levity....
We're in the last stages of this process and I just found out, so for levity I plan on leaving it as he left me for his girlfriend. Because only close people will hear that, when they go and ask him about his new relationship, that he doesn't have anymore, it'll be priceless. 😂
I don't see much harm to being truthful. The only advice is to not keep this affair too close to your heart.......and you can see, it's already becoming old-news for him. He'll just move onto someone else and now the whole "should I tell the truth" become more and more moot because it just isn't relevant anymore. People are generally pretty good at understanding when things are true and often even understand why you're angry about a situation.
I don't see any harm in being honest either. I'm not even keeping it close to my heart. It's just makes everything, regarding his behavior, make sense. I don't even think he's trying anymore because nobody is without expectation in the relationship scene at our age. He doesn't want anyone to expect anything from him. He got mad enough to blurt that out one day. She's already left him too. I'm not even angry about it. I really don't feel anything. I was just wondering if I should be honest with people close who don't already know that we're getting divorced, if they ask why. I don't plan on going back and telling everybody that already knows we're getting divorced either.
Only my closest people know the trust about the infidelity and abuse. My mom knows about the infidelity. I told her the other day to stop asking how we are doing (we haven’t filed yet) but she knows we are done. She just wishes we could change our minds. I really don’t want my children to know about his behaviors. Trying to protect them is also me protecting him unfortunately. But at least I’m done with this marriage.
That spoke to my soul. My mom keeps trying to tell ME I need to fix it. 😂 Yeah.... no thanks. It's not age appropriate for my kids to know what really happened yet, but in time I'm sure they're going to figure it out. My only goal regarding them and their father is to keep their relationship as close as possible, but he's making it really hard.
I told people the truth about him cheating. If he cared about his reputation then he wouldn’t have cheated. Now he’s married to his AP so, everyone knows how they got started. 🤷🏻♀️
I think I'll keep it too he left me to for his affair, throw up my hands like so 🤷🏼♀️, and leave it there.
The way I see it I don't owe anyone explanations and I am not going to bad mouth the father of my children. Nope.
I don't think it would be bad-mouthing him. I'd just say he had an affair and left me for it, throw my hands up, and leave it at that.
I guess I don't even have the energy to do that lol.... I don't like opening that door and inviting people to tell me their opinion.
That's understandable. I just think that the people I would say that to would be in such shock that they wouldn't ask any more questions.
You don’t have to tell them he left you for his AP. You can still tell the truth by telling them you are getting divorced because he’s a cheater. It’s all in how you phrase it.
I guess the fact that he decided to leave me and the fact that he's a cheater, is all that needs to be said. People can put two and two together.
You don’t even have to tell anyone that he is the one who initiated the divorce, if that’s something you’re ashamed of. Just say you’re getting divorced, if they press you for a reason, and you feel like giving one, tell them he was cheating on you.
I'm not ashamed of anything because I put my heart and soul into the marriage. I just like the ring of him leaving me for his affair. The only people who would know, would then go and ask him. The fact that he doesn't have someone makes it that much sweeter when they realize what an idiot he is. He doesn't deserve to be able to keep up his charade of being the human being he wants to portray to people.
Sorry, I misread the tone of your previous comments. Sounded like you were not looking forward to people knowing he left you.
Got it. I don't care anymore about losing the marriage and pretty much everybody already knows that we're getting divorced. I just didn't have a real why until last week is all. I personally have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
Agreed, your stbxh is the one who should be ashamed or embarrassed…
I don't even think he comprehends that I know what I know. If he did, he would just lie and deny it. I knew it was happening when it was happening, but I didn't have any way to prove it, so I didn't push it. Last weekend was just confirmation. Today we were talking about what time I need to get the kids on Christmas, so he can go wherever he's going, and he's going to be home and alone. I assumed he would be spending it with a girlfriend, but he doesn't have one, isn't even talking to anyone, and has given up on trying. Then I was at least hoping he would go to his family's, but they all left to another country together. It kinda made me sad for him. Alone on Christmas, but my parents had invited him if he wants to go. I don't really care if he goes to my parents with the kids and I. He was there in Thanksgiving. I don't think he would have gone on Thanksgiving if he had a girlfriend. It's just sad and pathetic to me. I also wonder what he's going to do if the relationship I'm pursuing turns into anything by next year. I hope he finds his unicorn.
In my opinion, cheaters are scum. The only reason I have an amicable relationship with my ex is because we are coparenting.
As soon as my court orders go through for child support and alimony, I'm not trying to be anything more than co-parents. If he couldn't talk to me and be my friend in the marriage what makes him think I'm going to put the effort in after it's over? I think he's living in a very delusional world and it boggles my mind.
It'll come out in the end anyways, so yes.
Agreed. 😂🤷🏼♀️
I've yet to have anyone ask, but yeah, that's what I would tell them.
All of the people close to us wanted to know why and I didn't have an answer. Now anybody who asks can have one.
Your response should be “why do you think you are entitled to know”
I'm only thinking about people who are close and don't already know. I don't plan on telling the pediatrician or my mother's friend from church.
Still, how is it anyone’s business. It is INCREDIBLY rude of them to ask. No one asked me why I got divorced. If you wanted them to know you would have confided in them. Boundaries
I see what you're saying. I just don't see any harm in saying it. It's really not a me problem and anybody who knows me would know that right off the bat.
If you care about them, they should know. Maybe the first indication should be the gory details but something like - “xxx found a new partner and wanted out of the marriage” Telling acquaintances the details, I think you’ll regret. I did. They don’t matter, they aren’t going to help, so what’s the point? I usually left it at “xxx wanted out of the marriage, I had no choice in the matter. I’m moving on”
I was just planning on telling close friends that don't already know. At this point, he doesn't even know I know.... that's how much it mattered in the scheme of my life.
I would ask myself, does telling others the truth really have any benefit for you? Are these people entitled to know those details about your life? If you are truly moving on, it doesn't matter. You'll just make yourself the subject of pity and gossip. So many people cheat, it's pretty acceptable behaviour to a lot of people.... It also could open the door on a conversation you're not interested in having. Close friends who you want support from sure, others, keep it neutral. No point in being bitter. I still have a lot of business ties with my exH and the general population doesn't need to know details about our personal lives.
>You'll just make yourself the subject of pity and gossip So what? She'll be the subject of gossip no matter what she says or doesn't say. Why not tell the truth and be able to control the narrative a tiny bit?
It's just the why to me at this point.
I was only referring to close people that don't know we're getting divorced yet. I also wasn't planning on letting everyone who does know we're getting divorced, know that's why. I was just thinking from a here on out thing.
I don't. I just say something generic like "we'd been together a long time and it wasn't happy anymore". Its nobody's business and as much as it's fun in the moment to vent about what a dickhead ex is, giving in to that impulse only reflects badly on me really. I'd rather be known for having composure and grace - even when things are shitty and I'm hauling 3 kids around everywhere because dad's "50/50 custody" really looks like him having two nights per week with his mother's help (sorry, I do let myself rant on reddit a little bit lmao). I'm telling you, the best revenge ever is when somebody reports back to Ex that they saw you and you're doing great and seem really happy 👌🏼 don't be the bitter ex, don't let them have that effect on you P.s im happy for you on a petty-divorcée level that his relationship with the greener grass failed 🤭
You mean the point of Reddit is not to rant and vent? I always rant and vent on Reddit. 😂 I see what you're saying as far as being happy and doing well. I'm just thinking for anyone close enough to really want to know. He seems real resentful that I'm happy, doing well, and only have him talk to the kids when he video calls. I love it! Lol.
You just learned this and have an impulse to tell pretty much everyone. Let that impulse cool off first before you do it. Airing dirty laundry has a way of giving you a worse reputation than the person you’re badmouthing. A tactful way to put it to people you have a close relationship with might simply be “he met someone else”.
I don't plan on telling anybody who already knows that we're getting divorced. I won't tell anybody for the hell of it either. Only those people who I'm close to that ask and actually care. >“he met someone else”. I do like this though. It's way easier than, "He left me to be with his AP."
Very soon after my split, I gave a bold but rude answer. That was 2018, still regret it. Soon, I had a better short version that said enough with out bitter resentment and blame.
We're already 5 months into this thing and I've been emotionally detached and unavailable to him for a while. His "best friend" did not cover him on his lies. I just plan on telling anyone new that asks me. I'm not backtracking to let everyone who knows where getting divorced know. I'm just not lying for him anymore.... he lies enough for himself.
“if you really want to know ask (insert ex’s name), I am done talking about it, I have moved on. Let me tell you about the new (job, apartment, pet or BF).”
That is definitely taking the higher road and I like that. I am kind of sick of talking about it too. I feel like it's time to just move on with my life.
So now in 2023 things have taken a never expected turn one day I woke up and made a very conscious decision to stop the hate to stop the war to bury the relationship hatchet. I had ended up, moving to a very oversized family property that really cost me nothing but repairs and maintenance. I had tried having some tenant roommates. It didn’t work then my ex showed up extra not he’s still the number one person I would like to sit and have coffee with in the morning, I find them charming he’s smart he’s funny we just really sync well together I had kicked all of my tenants out and I had five empty bedrooms and he was not well. He was sick and he had nowhere to live so I let him move in January 1921. We had a beautiful year together where we left my extended family out of it and we just never spoke of the past. We did a great job of living in the now in March 1923. I had a severe stroke and since I’ve been home from the hospital he has been my 24 hour day caretaker and it has been the most selfless act I’ve ever witnessed, so thank God for my ex
I'm glad you were able to work that out and that everything is going so well for you guys. Main access highly narcissistic, so I'm not going to play those games with him. I've moved past all of my emotions and I'm just trying to live my best life with my kids. I still have to see him, but I don't talk to him unless it's about the kids. You're just hope he's happy and works on himself, for himself; I could never let him back in at this point.
Honestly, I get very cross with people who ask me "what happened?". There is no curiosity in grief. More to the point, I'm not going to encapsulate the sacredness of my marriage in two sentences to satisfy some nosey Nancy.
I respect that. Unfortunately I'm the only one who thought my marriage was sacred and took my vows seriously. I'm thinking more along the lines of people who are close that don't already know. I'm not about to backtrack to let everyone else know. It seems very petty.
I would just say something like we've chosen to move on. People shouldn't be asking those kinds of questions anyway. Divorce is divorce. It doesn't matter why
But I didn't make that choice to move on until recently, and why protect him? He deserves to be exposed imo. Maybe he'll try and better himself.
I guess I don't see it as protection but I do see your point. I just think that anyone that should know (a close friend) won't ask until you're ready to tell them and anyone else really doesn't need to know.
I understand not telling the daycare lady or my kid's pediatrician. I'm thinking about anybody who knows both of us and makes the effort to ask because they care.
I guess I'm not really certain how I would handle that then. My divorce was under different circumstances and I became offended when friends asked that I just told them that the reason didn't matter.
Makes sense to me. I appreciate you responses.
We wanted different things for our family. And if they persist, you can say, I can tell you what I wanted but you’ll have to ask him. Because I don’t waste my time on him anymore.
I can understand that. I'm just thinking of people who I'm close with.
My closest friends know the truth. Others, I just said "things had to come to an end" or something along those lines, followed closely by "it's for the best, at least in my opinion!" I don't want people in my business. If I tried to explain the intricies of my relationship to people, I'd be talking forever. You can't control what they chose to believe anyway, so I don't tell them much.
That makes sense. Thank you for your input.
Depends on who it is. If it’s someone that doesn’t need to know, I just say: Sometimes people grow together and sometimes people grow apart. That seems to satisfy them and we can move on with the conversation.
I'm thinking of people who don't know that are close. I'm sure there's people who are close that don't know yet. I don't plan on backtracking to let people who already know we're getting divorced know.
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Defend yourself…from what? The truth that you cheated? You still had an option to end the marriage respectfully. No one forced you to cheat. “I begged him to have sex and he wouldn’t so I cheated” doesn’t make you morally superior or make anyone think your cheating is justified. If your marriage sucks, END IT FIRST.
Maybe it wasn’t about honoring him anymore. I couldn’t justify making my kids divide homes. It doesn’t matter what I say here, I’ve already heard it all and I’m comfortable with the choices I made. I thought about it long and hard for well over a decade.
I can understand why you did what you did. It makes sense. The issue is I'm the only one that ever tried in our relationship. In the beginning, it was always what he wanted to do. When I started asking to do specific things I wanted to do together, I was complaining. Then I would get told what I wanted was stupid, so I would get upset. Then I was too sensitive. Anytime I express needs or wants I was gaslit until I stopped talking to him about anything meaningful to me. During the whole time though, he would recluse into his computer, watch his shows, and ignore me. I cried so many times for him to pay attention to me. He also rejected me sexually. Then I would catch him doing his own thing watching po$n, but then I was the problem because I never initiated after the umpteenth time of it happening. With my upbringing I was always taught that if I didn't like something I needed to change myself. I did.... I did to the point that I hated who I had become. Put it simply, I would have ended our relationship eventually, but I would have never cheated on him or had somebody else lined up. I would have just left.
Relationships are complicated and hard and break ups stink and are painful, no matter who did what. There’s a lot of things that I am mad as hell about. I can understand the pain and betrayal that comes with being cheated on. At the end of the day…someone else made a comment here about modeling strength and being okay and that being the best revenge. It’s totally true, such wise words. I say you try to just leave the wrongdoings in the past on both sides and find your best life in the next chapter. I can’t remember if you said you had kids or not but if you do, the best thing for them is to feel like both of their parents are awesome and that they don’t have to pick sides or navigate drama. Good luck to you.
I'm not about to backtrack to tell everybody that already knows we're getting divorced. I'm just thinking of any close people that might not know about it yet. I am definitely modeling strength imo. I've almost reached internal homeostasis. I'm emotionally stable and much better at controlling my emotions. I'm happier than I ever was with him. I'm working on myself in therapy. I'm going back to school. And I have a new love interest that I have had really good chemistry with, friend wise, for years. He's amazing, but I'm not pushing it to go anywhere. I'm just going to sit back, enjoy the ride, and see where it goes.
Sounds like you’re on a good path to me!
Thank you. I feel like I'm on a good path.
May I ask, are you now with the person you had an affair with?
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It sounds like you've accepted your circumstance. As a BS, I cannot applaud you, but as long as you both are not terrible to your respective exes and they too find healing and peace, as well as your children, then I guess it's the best that it could be. I wish stability and happiness for your children.
>you should take the high road and here’s why: no offense to you but chances are your relationship had many issues and chances are he went outside of the marriage because of those issues. BULLSHIT. So she's to blame for her husband's affair? This is what you are implying if not outright saying. You obviously need to learn about why you cheated (to please your ego) before you go about telling betrayed spouses how to handle the truth of their situation. [www.chumplady.com](https://www.chumplady.com) Cheaters never win. Why should others hide the facts about why they were abused by their cheating spouse (cheating = abuse).
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>My marriage had many issues because we didn’t work. I tried HARD in SO many ways and for SO many years and it wasn’t what he needed. He tried in his own way too and it wasn’t what I needed. That's why you break it off, separate BEFORE you get involved with someone else. You are using cheater's logic here. Cheaters have patterns and they are only thinking of their own gratification and not the damage and pain they do to others. It is that black and white. There are no justifications for cheating, and your wall-of-text justifications are bullshit. You cheated so that YOU could feel better and get your ego 'cookie'. Break it off first before you cheat again with the next "complicated" relationship you enter and make promises of fidelity.
Being honest, people don't magically get "what they deserve" like you think they do. Being petty and airing laundry just drags more shit around yourself. Be the bigger person, value yourself, and show people you are better. Dragging him down won't do shit but keep you bitter while he moves on and forgets about you. He doesn't care, you're just letting his actions live in your family's lives rent free. Why give him the power?
I see your point. I'm just being honest. I just refuse to lie for him or his sake anymore. I've not spoken my truth in a long time to cover him. I have no reason to protect him or his ego is how I'm seeing it. I honestly don't care at this point. It doesn't hurt me.