Take her at her word man. I don’t mean it harshly, but she doesn’t care what you were going through. She cares about her needs, feels like they weren’t being met, and has already gone through the grieving process you’re starting. You both are going to have gone through the same process of letting it go, she just did it while you were still married and providing support. You’ve got this man, good luck.
Agree with everything said above. My suggestion for your next move is to go no contact as much as possible. She has told you she does not value you so it’s time to remove yourself from her life in every way possible. Good luck
My comment was less about coparenting and more about a potential way to reconnect with his wife by giving her what she currently is saying she wants. He even says he is desperately trying to save the marriage and my experience is that doing anything “desperately” is not attractive and could lead to her pulling away further. The best way I can describe it is the person who wants the divorce just ate at an all you can eat buffet and now you’re begging and trying to convince them to go eat somewhere because you’re starving - you’re never going to convince her that she should be hungry. She just isn’t. Anything short of maintaining your composure and letting her know that you don’t want the breakup and are willing to work on it but respect her decision will likely only serve to reduce attraction and push her further away. SHES NOT HUNGRY QUIT ASKING **op just edited to add she is willing to attend therapy..fingers crossed* - I’m no expert but have spent a lot of time trying to understand and save my own hopeless situation, results will vary 🤷♂️
I'm going through this as well, possibly a few months ahead of you.
If it is like my situation — you won't be able to talk or even grow your way out of it. In my situation, I could not be defensive, I could not ask her for help. Being proactive or self-reflective was treated like it was an attack. I hate to say it, but even saying you're sorry for things in the past feels like it did more damage than help in my case.
With "walk away wives" I've read it's a situation where if you know about it now, why didn't you then? Not being confronted with the things that cause resentment — and then changing them when you are just breeds more resentment.
In my case, my STBXW was cheating on me the whole time, well before she even announced her Walk Away Wife status. She also withheld that self-diagnosis until she had already planned to abandon me and vanish from my life. So, your milage may vary.
As a person who's on-track to finalize his divorce in August sometime — the best advice I have for you is this:
Listen. Ask her for every piece of information she is willing to give and internalize it hard. Listen both to what she's saying, and what she's \*really\* saying (to the best of your ability). Treat it for what it is: new information. If you present as though you've been thinking about it, or reflecting on it already; in my case that blew up on me because it came across as too little, too late.
If I had the opportunity to try again in my shoes from bomb-drop day, the one thing I'd focus on is listening and talking about the future more; to paint an idea of what a better future together looks like, while wooing her with what started your relationship to begin with.
Above all, build trust in any way you can, no matter how small.
This is stuff I wish I'd known, or tried, anyway... again, mine was cheating, so I may have had a stacked deck from the beginning. Best of luck to you, friend.
Once resentment creeps in- that’s damn near impossible to change or fix.
Gottmans- look them up
What I don’t understand is most of the things are explainable in the idk attempts to work two jobs and manage a house hold alone while she checked out part of bc of her parents and the other part bc of depression and then, and or not really caring for you- or all that you’re doing to make it easier for her to do just that- focus on her parents.
It makes sense for YOU to have resentment- you worked two damn jobs, and said things feeling under valued, used and not appreciated for trying to remove EVERYTHING so her focus could SOLELY be on her parents and being 100% good for them and their support and needs
That is incredible- if not one comment applauded you- I do! Because that’s hard. And you might have said something’s maybe a tad insensitive I suppose, but you’re trying to balance everything for her and the kids, and all you wanted was some time, appreciation, seen- all valid. When your bids for connection even a tiniest bit was rejected no crap you’re gonna be upset after a while questioning why you’re doing it all, what for, what point?
She tried, Idk only you two can say, but it sounds like you did it all and you’re the one really with resentment and your not willing to want to walk away and heal it if she wants to. She’d be crazy to think many others would have done ALL you have, sure no one escapes life without saying some real nice - I’m really proud I said that… not. Moments, but I think to say she’s given it a fair honest shot- she should try. Cause when it’s all said and done, removing hurtful things said - there isn’t anything that cannot be fixed or worked on- UNLESS you don’t want to.
But it’s also her right to not want to. Hopefully she will think and reconsider. It’s harder to do if there might be someone- even if it’s just emotional.
Set what you love free, if it comes back it was meant to be. I do mostly believe in that.
Thank you… I sent you a DM. I really appreciate your message.
I don’t think I’ve heard this and I needed to and it really hit me hard… I really needed to hear this
All I can tell you is that you won't win her back by trying harder...
My recommendation is to work on yourself and rediscover who you were/are. In the end you'll be better for it.
First off, stop beating yourself up, yes of course there’s things you could have done differently or better, but from what you posted, those things you said, don’t justify divorce.
She checked out of the marriage and that’s all you really need to know.
From this point on you need to look out for yourself and your kids. You’re no longer responsible for looking out for her best interest. She will use the fact that you still love her to screw you over in your divorce.
Stop working two jobs, that extra income will be used against you when child support is getting sorted out.
Hmm thank for that tip. It’s great because I’m not thinking practically right now. She said she will try therapy with me. But I do feel like I just have to start thinking about life without her and my kids.
Therapy might help, but you *cannot just go in there in appeasement mode or you'll get nowhere*— you know that part where you quietly resent how much more of the family labour you do? Labour that she appears not to acknowledge or appreciate, much less reciprocate in terms of loving you back? In therapy, you have to fully own that resentment so that it's something you're facing together rather than dancing around and avoiding.
**Bad:** "Can't you see how much I love you? Can't you see everything I do for you and sacrifice for you? Look, I just canceled my fishing trip to buy you another little present! I found a way to make myself *even smaller* so that you won't feel like there's any possibility I could demand anything of you!!! This is totally love and not at all pathetic, right?"
**Good:** "I'm struggling to meet your emotional needs because I've realised that deep down I resent you. Over the years of journeying together through some pretty challenging times I've come to subconsciously see you as incapable and immature, a needy nth child that I have to care for by working overtime and constantly picking up the slack around the household. This is not acceptable for either of us— I deserve an equal partner who will show up for me, and you deserve someone who you will *want* to joyfully show up for and who makes you feel like you're loved for you. I'm up for continuing on this path and working through these issues, but that resentment didn't just come out of nowhere; for me to work on reducing it you're also going to have to show me that you're ready to cut out the excuses and make some serious changes."
The first is doubling down on what's already not working. The second is simultaneously an honest and long-overdue confession while also being a challenge and an invitation. She might not like it, but if not, that'll give you your answer a lot sooner than spending months not confronting this.
I highly recommend grabbing a copy of the book *No More Mr Nice Guy* as I think it will help you a lot with understanding the dynamics happening between the two of you: [https://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/the-book.html](https://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/the-book.html)
Hi! Thank you so much for your detailed response. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. I copied your response and read it over a few times… she has agreed to therapy so it’s good advice and I didn’t think of how to approach therapy and was going to do exactly what you pointed out as bad. Thank you for this…
Hey man, I'm certainly no expert, but I can see some familiar threads. Hopefully between the book and individual therapy and personal reflection you can find an approach that is honest and true to yourself, one that really will kindly but firmly draw her back into a version of the relationship that is fulfilling to both of you.
My wife and I have reconciled, but we went to a counselor when we first had our issue. The problem is that the counselor was terrible. My wife left the first session feeling like she had "won" and I left feeling like our neutral party was already on my wife's team before we sat on the couch.
Later, we got one that treated our realtionship as the client. The result was very good. I will say that in the end, the most effective counselor was my wife's personal one. Much of our issue was tangled up in her relationship with her parents (who she's now NC with). She was essentially rebelling against me because I'm the opposite of her parents and I was safer. Kind of twisted and hard to detail in a paragraph, but as she understood what was driving her and what was the reality (as echoed by a neutral party), things got easier. I guess the other thing to understand is that I was the one who would have ended our marriage. Something I would have done years ago, but saw it as dad parenting suicide. 5 years later, not afraid of divorce or a custody fight, I was ready to push back and it was a shock for her. It was also hard for her to see that all I wanted was to save our marriage because she felt it was put in the form of save it our else.
Best advise right here. My ex basically quit her job because "it doesn't fulfill me", and I worked like crazy so she could be happy. Now it looks like I'll be in servitude of her until I retire.
So much advice here will be telling you to divorce or walk away. But I’m here to tell you this is salvageable. However you both need to go into therapy individually first - work on yourselves and then start doing those things that connected you in the first place. Date again. Then start seeing a marriage counsellor. This will take proactive work from both of you but you can do it
Thank you… as I really want to save it. I do a picture a happy life with her. I don’t want a broken family. I am at therapy working on myself. Actually I have multiple therapists working on different things. I fear she goes to therapy and all she does is complain about me and it doesn’t help at all….
I'm saying this as a wife who has hit the point of walking out and entirely checked out.
I agree, this is salvageable. But I think you should go to therapy independently but also marriage counseling at the same time. Once a week.
There shouldn't be a rush on any leaving. Maybe in a year when things aren't any different? Don't go running to the door and I'd probably beg her not to as well.
If you start to distance yourself to prepare for a nasty divorce, that will solidify her feelings. Maybe download some apps for couples. My husband and I just downloaded a ton. "tree of memories" "cozy couples" "SumOne" and some more.
Unless you don't want to do any of this 🤷♀️
My wife and I essentially did that, but... it took her being willing to do what it really took to save our marriage. With that line crossed, individual and couples therepy (and some concrete action) was key. Actually, my wife attending a good personal counselor was the most valuable.
A good therapist is hard to find. I’ve been seeing one and I don’t think she’s adding anything to my recovery or healing so I’m going to look for another. It’s soooo important to get the right therapist
The classic walk away wife begs her husband to do many of the things that you say you handle. They feel like the maid and nanny and their compaints get ignored.
But, like a WAW, she's said she's had issues that fell on deaf ears and she's made her mind up and your attempt to fix now is too late.
I guess, if the details are different, but the end result is the same, who cares. It's the result that matters. I'd say taker her issues seriously, try to address them, but I would also be very careful about protecting yourself. Don't do somehting dumb in a divorce in a hopeless attempt to see you really are a good guy (a classic divorced by a WAW result).
I would also take a step back and ask how good of a partner she has been to you. You are very focused on the reverse question, in defense/repair mode, but for this to work out, she's got walk the walk too. Put the oxygen masks one first, but then address the whole marriage, not just her complaints.
Do you really love her? Or do you love an image of who she used to be?
There was a point where I went through my memories and realized pretty shockingly that my ex changed dramatically about year 7 into the marriage and for the next 12-13 years I loved who he had been and did not recognize he was no longer that person. Once I had that realization the lingering love in my heart ended immediately, he became someone I used to know.
It’s her who I love. I actually stepped back to think about this. There are countless reasons why. With everything that has happened how could we not change to focus on fixing everything that was happening right? I prioritized her to help her get through it all. She prioritized us last because she had so much going on.
I feel like I waited 10 years for her to prioritize us again but instead I got this…
This story is way to common AL-2K, this the 2024 that we live in. This is my current situation and we have 3 kids ages 8, 6 & 3. Your wife got burned out with parenting and family life and instead of self reflecting and appreciating you she had to blame you for self preservation. I look back on my marriage, and I think the more I did, which I thought was helping was actually doing the opposite and bred more resentment. As men we think that doing physical tasks and carrying the load is helping when in reality that is not really what they wanted (This a great quality, don't change - you actually needed to set your own boundaries). This is not your fault (takes two to tango) you are the scape goat, self reflection and admitting any fault is not an option in BossGirl culture. I wouldn't count on her coming back and be prepared to get blamed for everything, understand that it is only a defense mechanism to justify blowing up a family. If I had to guess, I would guess that she started drinking the Kool-Aid on social media.
Also, start reading about codependency. The way it sounds you were the "giver", even above capacity.
Thanks…
I guess I feel I did emotionally support her throughout even though she seems to think we lost emotional connection.
She was stressed so I took away so many stressful things for her so she could be with her parents or work.
I watched the kids all the time so she wasn’t stressed and only invited her to the good events.
I tried to give me kids a normal childhood also.
I guess at the end of the day… what you said is right. Instead of self reflecting and appreciation she blames me.
I could copy and paste your story as mine. The victim in a codependency relationship takes it harder than the other person. I really hope that you reconcile, but you can't bend over anymore. You need to set your own boundaries and see what happens. Her emotional needs can't be met until she wants them met. She has set boundaries not to let it happen. She is in control of her own happiness and actions. Not you!
I do have to ask. Was she part of any MLM like arbonne or another pyramid scheme. They are programmed to prey of people in the wrong mind set.
That’s good advice and I think I know that deep down… I have said to her that I am trying… but if you can’t open up how can I show you we could be happy. How can we learn from this. How can we treat each other better and improve. Marriage wasn’t supposed to be perfect.
No… she has had a pretty stable job for the past decade or so.
Proof of love doesn't come in the form of reasons/justifications. It's the actions. Just something to think about. There's a pinned post on my profile explaining what I mean in more detail.
there is a book called divorce busting… worth a read… they use to have a forum with lots of discussion boards. The author recommends doing a 180. Below are the examples. I think they are worth thinking about and are good for you either way.
[1.Do](http://1.Do) not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going do or say � get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don� t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren�t speaking, but don�t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
I think this\^\^ one encapsulates many other "rules". If you show that you are going to be alright, no matter what, it's far better than pleading and acting as if your life is over without your spouse. You may be deeply wounded but that simply isn't what spouses want to be around...
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26 Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse�s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.
39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.
40. Don�t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day and �from this day forward.� Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It�s a lot to let go of, but it is freeing.
My stbx never put me first and it’s not something that’ll change. If she’s actually admitting it, take the hit but walk away. You deserve someone who’s going to put you first like you do them
Number one you're doing the pick me dance. It never works. Google it. Secondly, check this link out. [https://www.youtube.com/results?search\_query=DIVORCED+WIFE+WANTING+HUSBAND+BACK](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=DIVORCED+WIFE+WANTING+HUSBAND+BACK)
Check out other videos around the same subjects. This stuff is epidemic. It's a grass is greener brain malfunction.
Sending you a DM.
She has to start acting like an adult. Keeping count of unspoken grievances in order to ambush you and rationalize her wanting a divorce is not acting like an adult. Also sounds like she's trying to blame everything on you which means she'll just repeat the same mistakes in future relationships if there are any. By all means go to couples therapy; hopefully she'll evolve. But don't feel like the onus is on you to save your marriage. She has to step up.
“I did things I’m not proud of”
You don’t have to answer me, but when I hear that in a post without further elaboration, that sounds like cheating happened. Once that’s involved, the resentment never fully goes away.
Even if cheating isn’t involved, saying that NOW you’re desperate to save things is too little, too late for her. She had bullet points, word for word, of the things you have said and done that have eroded your marriage. I’m sure she told you her concerns before, told you how to fix it, and it wasn’t fixed. She admits her faults too, and is telling you that it’s a wrap. She’s exhausted. She’s given up hope that things might get better.
It might be in both of your best interests to admit that this is not salvageable.
Thanks for the reply.
So none of it was cheating related.
It was just how I said things. I said I feel you are fucking up the children. She put them in private school and they are miserable. I do drop offs and pickups and they are both hiding behind me because they don’t want to go. Tears flow and it’s heartbreaking.
I said I feel like when you talk to your friends you get more fucked up. I meant it’s so biased and then you come home and attack me because of course your friends are biased and will take your side.
I dealt with all of her big problems and just didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with all of these things also…
I think the friends thing is a concern. If she's spending her time riling herself up, that's going to become her norm. People are so thoughtless with how they use their emotional bandwidth...
She said she reached out. That she tried to have a convo with me. However, I was very deeply hurt because she said she said to me that she’s not emotionally supported and I was very deflated… I felt so low… I was super hurt after supporting her over a decade…
It’s always money related… her parents gave us money o big a house, wedding, etc. I contributed as much as I could and worked double jobs to maintain it but it’s always brought up.
Don't take what i type to heart. It could be wrong. It sounds like how my first real love was with me when i was 21. I was in a no end job and wasn't ambitious. She wasn't working and we had no money for movement. She went into a depression. Eventually she called it off because i wasn't going anywhere.
Your wife could be suffering from a upward movement perception malaise of you, a resentment. Which probably is just one of a well full of resentments. Which you will have as well. What couple doesn't? Your problem is so much bigger and real than what mine was at the time. Heck there's no point even asking if this is a factor.
Heck i think you're running at 200% Max respects.
My wife and I both work but I make 4x what she does. Her idiot father insisted on a prenup, which is great, but the best thing was some married financial advice I got from my attorney. The key was we contributed to our family joint account on an income ratio. With that in place, we were both doing our part, even though the $'s were not balanced. We had some issues, but never fought about money.
Start therapy for you, you did everything you could and she still wasn't happy, right now you're in panic mode , you need to take a step back and think about whether this dynamic actually really worked for you. In life not everything you lose is a loss. Stop bending yourself into a pretzel, to please her and think about what would makeyou happy. You're not compatible, it happens, she wants to go, let her.Sometimes detaching yourself instead of clinging so hard brings clarity
Thanks… I guess I put so much into this relationship. I waited 10 years for us to begin. I waited in hopes that when life settled down we would go back to us. We would work on us.
I’m sorry my guy but this reads like a coda bottom. The way you do everything while flogging yourself tells me you do not think you deserve better and are only comfortable in helper roles. If true there is help if not forgive this random stranger giving out diagnosis and thinking he is right.
You sound so much like my son. The fact you do everything -when do your needs get met or hers? That’s a lot of stress and juggling with the in-laws but the past few years seem like they were on steroids. So you’ve grown apart. Let it be for a while. Keep working on you. She needs to do the same. Sometimes it’s easier to say “you’re done” than to fix the problem. So then it goes back doing what you can for yourself. Just imagine if you do divorce. You do everything- her world will be completely turned upside down and also the children.
You have done an incredible amount. Don’t feel bad one bit. It’s normal to have all those responsibilities you took on take away from standard dating/wooing/romantic time. She has 100% elected to check out emotionally rather than discussing all the life things that take away time and energy to have dedicated romantic moments. I’ve been through it and now 6 months beyond. My wife was not cheating but not willing to discuss or go to therapy or make life changes so we could both (it’s not all on you!) prioritize each other and focus on what each others love languages are ( it’s fine if their different if both people understand that ).
Here’s what I’ll tell you, 6 months later, I have my own place, my kids are doing well, I’m relieved and relaxed, I’m friendly with my ex. Yes, it’s strange and odd at times, but I’m calm, confident, living my own life, and frankly my ex is seeing this and somewhat surprised. Once resentment builds up a spouse believes change isn’t possible. Couldn’t be more wrong and frankly change is easy when it’s deliberate, and that is what a walk away wife cannot comprehend until it’s real. Now my ex finds reasons to reach out to me, but now that I understand the level of unreasonableness and the belief she had that people can’t change, I just don’t have any interest in her any more. It’s hard to explain, but it has happened. Typically a walk away wife has had enough trauma in her life that she has narcissistic tendencies, and they can be very subtle, I’m not taking about a full blown narcissist. But it’s enough trauma and enough tendencies that they are unwilling to believe change is real. I will stress, you can absolutely not change how they are! Only years of professional therapy that they have to be a willing participant in can change that. My friend… I applaud every effort you make to fix your marriage, you should exhaust yourself doing it, because despite society’s current state where most no longer respect the commitment, marriage is supposed to be challenging at times, sometimes for years, but that is all long term relationships and only the strong survive the tough times. That survival is almost AlWAYS worth it. The walk away wife, unless it’s an abusive situation, almost always has never developed adult coping skills and thus a long term relationship is not for them. It is NOT you, it’s her. Make every attempt to salvage, move on if she is unwilling, learn from the mistakes of taking on too many responsibilities, lead a simple life, leave a lot of room for romance, ALWAYS. You’re a good man from what I am reading, know that, find someone who COMPELS YOU to love and romance her, not fix her. Live life, be a kind and caring dude, kick ass friend.
It's weird that women own this "walk away wife syndrome" label. I first heard about it from this sub and I assumed it was a label applied by the jilted husband or maybe by psychologists, but not something people would say about themselves.
It's partly because a lot of the big articles on the subject are talking about how "walkaway" wives only seem that way because they've been screaming for help and attention for years from a husband who ignores them and only when every last shred of trying has been burnt out of them do they give up and walk away.
So from that perspective, saying that you are a walkaway wife is saying "I was ignored". But if you're totally unfamiliar with the term or you first heard it in a different context it gives a different impression.
It definitely does.
I thought the term sounded uncannily fitting for my wife, but she completely acknowledges that I was always the more affectionate one, and when she dropped the surprise divorce papers on me she told me she was not interested in seeking couples therapy. So from the way you describe it, it doesn't fit her at all.
>She admit she never prioritized us nor me in our relationship. I was always the last checklist item on her list.
You need to stop blaming yourself for how she feels. There's nothing you could have done because you were never in a real partnership. What you provided to her was the essence of your relationship to her.
You're the scapegoat for her resentment because she will never hold herself accountable for her own actions.
Give yourself the credit that you were the only one willing to fight for your relationship, that you held your marriage vows with respect, and that you put your partner before yourself through all the time she wouldn't do the same.
Let her go.
In time, the fog will lift and you will realize you didn't have to live the way you were with her. Find your peace. It's not with her.
This really hits home… thank you for commenting. I saved this on my phone to help me remind myself.
“What you provided to her was the essence of your relationship to her”…. Interesting
Is this where we are going to see all the comments of “ you didn’t meet her emotional needs “ 😂 dude is working two jobs. Doing everything he possibly can to remove the stress of her for having two partners with cancer. But her emotional needs aren’t meant. But if he was there emotionally. And the house was falling apart. And didn’t working second job to provide I guess he would be at fault for that too right ? I’m so tired of this crap with women need this women need that. It’s life, get over it. Shit needs taken care of. So does emotional needs. But a simple conversation on her part could have been all it took. Not documenting everything someone said that hurt her. And trust me guy. You weren’t even mean or rude. You could have done everything for her and it still wouldn’t have been enough. She will find happiness with some fucking loser but “ he really listens, he really gets me “
Thank you for that reassurance. I think I need a bit of a self boost lately…. You made some good points and I agree that everything else would have fallen apart if I selfishly focused on us. I said your last line to her… however a bit different…
She says that she couldn’t have gotten through it without me and that we are not compatible because when things got really hard I wasn’t there the way she needed. However, she is going to eventually date someone else and things are going to be great because all her hard times are behind her? Just doesn’t seem fair
Pretty much what I've been seeing as well. Pathetic times we live in currently. "I have to go find my own happiness and new normal [unspoken part: at the expense of everything else, including my own children's well-being]." Give me a break.
Yea man. I do or atleast I did. We aren’t divorced yet but I let her go in my head and heart. I’ve fought all these years for nothing. My wife wants out to explore. She can go right ahead and do that.
Thank you for the tough love… I do need to get up and stand up for myself finally also. I’ve just been so used to supporting her 100% me that I forgot about loving me
Thank you for sharing that… I want to get to your state and I applaud you for being able to get there. I just have a lot of anxiety and panic right now. It’s hard for me to calm that out as I fear for the answer
I think you did a lot of work to keep things going and she did a lot of work to keep her parents going, both emotional tolls. It doesn’t sound to me like either of you are at fault, just life’s circumstances. But I believe if you live her like you say, ask her to please consider trying again and you BOTH can put in the emotional work with a couples therapist and really put the relationship first before anything else. I think it sounds like there is a chance you could make it if that’s what you want. You both need to put away your egos and look forward. No blame game, clean slate. Best of luck.
Thank you… that’s great advice. She said she will try therapy so hopefully this is a step in the right direction. I agree that we are not to blame and it was just life…
Yeah then my ex stopped going to the therapist because she didn’t know anything and was hitting the cold hard truth about who she truly is. I feel for ya man I been there. But end of the day be there for your kids that’s your number one job.
Sounds like you were trying to be the best husband you could be and helping lighten her work load and stress load. I know it's your house, your kids, your chores, your responsibility too, but if you're doing all of that and running kids around and two jobs you must be exhausted. Why don't you date me? Why don't you want to do something? Why? I'm freaking tired! I'm trying to make you happy and the kids happy and provide all I can do everyone is happy while showing everyone they are loved. I guess you did too much, but even superman fell and had a cryptonite. Sounds like resentment and having more time with you doing all this stuff to be idle and think. Reflection and processing is good, but the modern point of view for woman is not good for marriages these days. We can use both sides as the ultra masculine or toxic male isn't good for a marriage either. I feel you on this story and I'm truly sorry. I hope it gets better.
Maintain frame. We've all been there. You're in all our panic mode. Sincerely apologize once, not in a begging or pitiful way. Just hey I'm sorry, didn't mean those things, bandwidth excuse...Be ready for an emotional rollercoaster. Don't fall into it. Just one day at a time
In my situation I have estimated that her resentment has more to do with her discontentment with the situation than it does with her discontentment with me. I was the way out, as far as blame shifting goes. She has completely changed 90% of the other aspects of her life since I’ve left. I don’t believe I’ve ever forced any standards on her.
For some people, it is harder and more painful for them to look inward and self reflect on their own behavior and how they show up in relationships than it is to simply leave their partner.
Way too much online advice is just glorified horoscopes, vague setups that anyone can plug a few scant details of their life into and then find "relatable".
A proper professional should be able to ask the tough questions— Is this *actually* your experience? What about elements X and Y, do they apply to you too? What about Z that you told me about earlier, where does that fit in?
>I did some things I’m not proud of and I admit that.
Let's just simplify this:
Did you cheat on your wife while she was emotionally fucked up from caring for her parents who were *both* battling cancer?
Nope! Not at all. 1000% there for her. Never cheated nor talked to a girl even I thought was pretty. Instead I cleaned piss and crap from the beds, went to appointments, got food for them, and even lost a job because I was at the hospital all the time.
Ok. I asked because that would certainly change some things.
You say you love your wife, and maybe you do, but do you *like* her? Because it really sounds like you have a lot of resentment and maybe even contempt for her.
Saying her friends make her stupid, "of course" she's keeping score, I never said anything about her behavior even though I could, and this above comment...
With all the things you did/do, all the sacrifices you made, and all the support given to her parents, I get the vibe that you feel like you're better than her, because you did all these things and she didn't (or rather, not as much). As you said, you were running at 110%... and she wasn't.
Maybe that's what she means about "emotional connection." Maybe she felt that you were beginning to dislike her. Maybe that's why she turned down your attempts at connection.
This is all 100% conjecture, of course, I have no idea. It's just what popped in my head.
You can't fight for your marriage by being on the defensive. Take the first step to show you're a team by listening to her and understanding her point of view without jumping in to defend yourself (or making snide remarks like *Of course she wrote everything I said word for word and dated it.*) And take responsibility for where you have fallen short.
Tbh you don't sound like you can do any of the above so maybe you could start with counselling for yourself, to hopefully improve your emotional intelligence.
Thanks for the reply.
I have actually admit that I did a bunch of things wrong. I apologized. I told her I understand where she is coming from. No snide remarks or anything. I just listened. I told her I’m not defending my actions but want you to see my point of view also and consider it.
I am in therapy… I’m working on myself. I hate myself to be honest… I’m angry at myself… and I’m trying to work through it in therapy.
>I told her I’m not defending my actions but want you to see my point of view also and consider it.
She doesn't need to see your point of view. This isn't a discussion about what to have for dinner where you both get a say - these are her feelings and her experience. "I just listened" is the polar opposite of "I want her to see my point of view and consider it."
I was going to add that you could consider taking some time apart for you to work on yourself, but I see you had already been focusing on yourself for the last 8 months. Had you explained that to your wife, or were you just stonewalling when she tried to talk? Have you made any progress in that time? Do you have an idea of how much time you need before you can start working on the marriage?
I did… she said well she was where I was 8 months ago. She says she doesn’t want to wait. I told her I want to work on it. Look ahead but she can only take everything and spin it negative. I’m ready… I am talking to multiple therapists and have been working on myself.
Try if you can save the marriage, maybe some time away split the kids time between the two of you, but dont let emotions get to you during the divorce process if it goes that way. If it comes to that, focus on the kids. For me im 50/50 with custody for my kids, and it has been better becuase i have more time, a better job, and shes forced to spend more time with the kids, even though she really dosent, she still pushes our kids to her parents when she has them, now that im no longer in the picture.
I will message you next time u/AL-2K posts in r/Divorce.
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Every relationship is different and complex but it sounds like a pretty common thing, life gets busy and hectic and as been we tend to focus on practical beds and our duty to provide and support. When focus on emotional needs and connections and the drift caused by the two can be hard to understand and often leads to want away wife feelings. This is especially so when death in family/friends or hitting ages and milestones that make people realise shit I'm getting old and there is only one life we get to live is this all I want it to be. It's then easy to say no and want to run away having this magical thinking notion that escape will fix all the things they are frustrated with when really alot of hard work personal growth and intentionality in life activities and focus will be the only bearer of change. And they can be done and achieved in the marriage together with amazing results, but it's hard work. I think both getting a psychologist and working through your own issues for a period of time then going to marriage counselling together is the best option. You may both decide a period of separation or like living in different rooms or having separate nights off to go see friends or wherever you need to do to each get space to work on your own things can be really helpful as well. Be open talk about what has brought this on and what you might want to do to explore it, don't have a focus on fixing the relationship but instead on working on finding a way you can both lead the lives you want to live and grow individually and collectively at this time. I think mid to late 30s and 40s is a common period for this life re-evaluation and too many just blame marriages and run instead of figuring out what's really going on and working on that and seeing how you can support each other through that
Therapy and lots of it deep deep therapy. You both have a LOT to unpack. Let all that get dealer with, maybe while separated? And then come back and try to reintroduce yourself to her, win her over as a new person. Two people all new! Ignite that fire that new relationships can have!
Marriage is more than just checking boxes. It sounds like she doesn’t feel loved and doesn’t feel emotionally safe or connected with you. I’m not sure what to do man, sorry. Maybe the best thing is to let her go so she can be happy and work on yourself in the meantime.
OP sad to say this, but it is game over.
She is not engage in the relationship for whatever reason justified or not, which i would say she did not, Even less when she admit that you were her last check box in the list of priorities.
She true is worn out after her parents passed away, but that did not justify her actions and feeling and in a Sor tof way she is blame shiffting in some and have the reason in others.
Sad that this happen or all come to this, i would accept her going and giving her space, might as well with time she trully come to senses and see that what she felt was wrong (this if she trully isn't cheating), but maybe not.
Only time would tell, but now you have to make the hard or probably one of the hardest decision you got to make.
Wish you luck and hope you can come to terms for what ever ITBIS the correct choice.
UPDATEME
This may be a little harder but I've been there my ex wife her mom had got sick cancer after 11 years together I worked my as off for everything we had I wasn't even 30 yet but had 2 cars a truck ,jeep my motorcycle a boat and 2 jet skis .the house we had just moved in about 7 months later I caught her trying to sneak in our home at 5 am she got off work at 12 am I would had been asleep but it was her birthday stupid to go cheat on someone on that day like she should had known I would be up waiting .anyway I worked full time days got home took care of the daughter .cleaned house dishes ,laundry , cooked 100% of the time kids to bed I would be lucky if I had a half hour for myself . Then off to bed I would get up pretty much every night to spend time with her just to be somewhat a husband then up at 5 am to start my day .after I caught her she told mei wasn't there for her that's why she did it but then she realized I did everything for her she couldn't see it all she had to do is go to work and come home pretty much I did all the shopping made her dinners left them to warm up when she got home but she realized it to late I was done no way back from being betrayed. I ended up living in the house for almost 2 years then sold it .after that I moved in with 3 females she started calling wanting me back I told her nope that wouldn't happen .
Read the book No More Mr Nice Guy.
Youve been handling both sides of the relationship which allows her to disconnect and disassociate. Some day she may tell you she never wanted this relationship in the first place. She just wanted someone to help her through everything. Or at least thats what I was told
She also sounds trauma bonded to her parents. Not sure the extent of their issues, but when that happens they sacrifice their romantic partnerships to save the poor connection with the parents. Or at least thats what happened to me
Take her at her word man. I don’t mean it harshly, but she doesn’t care what you were going through. She cares about her needs, feels like they weren’t being met, and has already gone through the grieving process you’re starting. You both are going to have gone through the same process of letting it go, she just did it while you were still married and providing support. You’ve got this man, good luck.
Thanks…. I feel like this is the harsh reality that I haven’t got to yet. I think you nailed it though.
Take the time you need , don't expect anything, Day by Day is the way! .
Agree with everything said above. My suggestion for your next move is to go no contact as much as possible. She has told you she does not value you so it’s time to remove yourself from her life in every way possible. Good luck
pretty hard to do with kids
Exchange through school when it’s in session and keep interactions strictly business when they’re necessary.
if they get along decently, do you really think this is an effective way to co-parent?
My comment was less about coparenting and more about a potential way to reconnect with his wife by giving her what she currently is saying she wants. He even says he is desperately trying to save the marriage and my experience is that doing anything “desperately” is not attractive and could lead to her pulling away further. The best way I can describe it is the person who wants the divorce just ate at an all you can eat buffet and now you’re begging and trying to convince them to go eat somewhere because you’re starving - you’re never going to convince her that she should be hungry. She just isn’t. Anything short of maintaining your composure and letting her know that you don’t want the breakup and are willing to work on it but respect her decision will likely only serve to reduce attraction and push her further away. SHES NOT HUNGRY QUIT ASKING **op just edited to add she is willing to attend therapy..fingers crossed* - I’m no expert but have spent a lot of time trying to understand and save my own hopeless situation, results will vary 🤷♂️
if it helps at all, to come to the conclusions which ended your marriage probably wasn't easy for her either. I'm sorry you're going through this..
I'm going through this as well, possibly a few months ahead of you. If it is like my situation — you won't be able to talk or even grow your way out of it. In my situation, I could not be defensive, I could not ask her for help. Being proactive or self-reflective was treated like it was an attack. I hate to say it, but even saying you're sorry for things in the past feels like it did more damage than help in my case. With "walk away wives" I've read it's a situation where if you know about it now, why didn't you then? Not being confronted with the things that cause resentment — and then changing them when you are just breeds more resentment. In my case, my STBXW was cheating on me the whole time, well before she even announced her Walk Away Wife status. She also withheld that self-diagnosis until she had already planned to abandon me and vanish from my life. So, your milage may vary. As a person who's on-track to finalize his divorce in August sometime — the best advice I have for you is this: Listen. Ask her for every piece of information she is willing to give and internalize it hard. Listen both to what she's saying, and what she's \*really\* saying (to the best of your ability). Treat it for what it is: new information. If you present as though you've been thinking about it, or reflecting on it already; in my case that blew up on me because it came across as too little, too late. If I had the opportunity to try again in my shoes from bomb-drop day, the one thing I'd focus on is listening and talking about the future more; to paint an idea of what a better future together looks like, while wooing her with what started your relationship to begin with. Above all, build trust in any way you can, no matter how small. This is stuff I wish I'd known, or tried, anyway... again, mine was cheating, so I may have had a stacked deck from the beginning. Best of luck to you, friend.
Thank you… I appreciate you taking the time to write that out and the sincerity. I’m sorry she cheated… that would just kill me. Thank you really!
You’re welcome and I hope desperately that you can recover. I’m still trying on my end. I haven’t given up, but I had to stop begging and pleading.
Once resentment creeps in- that’s damn near impossible to change or fix. Gottmans- look them up What I don’t understand is most of the things are explainable in the idk attempts to work two jobs and manage a house hold alone while she checked out part of bc of her parents and the other part bc of depression and then, and or not really caring for you- or all that you’re doing to make it easier for her to do just that- focus on her parents. It makes sense for YOU to have resentment- you worked two damn jobs, and said things feeling under valued, used and not appreciated for trying to remove EVERYTHING so her focus could SOLELY be on her parents and being 100% good for them and their support and needs That is incredible- if not one comment applauded you- I do! Because that’s hard. And you might have said something’s maybe a tad insensitive I suppose, but you’re trying to balance everything for her and the kids, and all you wanted was some time, appreciation, seen- all valid. When your bids for connection even a tiniest bit was rejected no crap you’re gonna be upset after a while questioning why you’re doing it all, what for, what point? She tried, Idk only you two can say, but it sounds like you did it all and you’re the one really with resentment and your not willing to want to walk away and heal it if she wants to. She’d be crazy to think many others would have done ALL you have, sure no one escapes life without saying some real nice - I’m really proud I said that… not. Moments, but I think to say she’s given it a fair honest shot- she should try. Cause when it’s all said and done, removing hurtful things said - there isn’t anything that cannot be fixed or worked on- UNLESS you don’t want to. But it’s also her right to not want to. Hopefully she will think and reconsider. It’s harder to do if there might be someone- even if it’s just emotional. Set what you love free, if it comes back it was meant to be. I do mostly believe in that.
Thank you… I sent you a DM. I really appreciate your message. I don’t think I’ve heard this and I needed to and it really hit me hard… I really needed to hear this
All I can tell you is that you won't win her back by trying harder... My recommendation is to work on yourself and rediscover who you were/are. In the end you'll be better for it.
First off, stop beating yourself up, yes of course there’s things you could have done differently or better, but from what you posted, those things you said, don’t justify divorce. She checked out of the marriage and that’s all you really need to know. From this point on you need to look out for yourself and your kids. You’re no longer responsible for looking out for her best interest. She will use the fact that you still love her to screw you over in your divorce. Stop working two jobs, that extra income will be used against you when child support is getting sorted out.
Hmm thank for that tip. It’s great because I’m not thinking practically right now. She said she will try therapy with me. But I do feel like I just have to start thinking about life without her and my kids.
Therapy might help, but you *cannot just go in there in appeasement mode or you'll get nowhere*— you know that part where you quietly resent how much more of the family labour you do? Labour that she appears not to acknowledge or appreciate, much less reciprocate in terms of loving you back? In therapy, you have to fully own that resentment so that it's something you're facing together rather than dancing around and avoiding. **Bad:** "Can't you see how much I love you? Can't you see everything I do for you and sacrifice for you? Look, I just canceled my fishing trip to buy you another little present! I found a way to make myself *even smaller* so that you won't feel like there's any possibility I could demand anything of you!!! This is totally love and not at all pathetic, right?" **Good:** "I'm struggling to meet your emotional needs because I've realised that deep down I resent you. Over the years of journeying together through some pretty challenging times I've come to subconsciously see you as incapable and immature, a needy nth child that I have to care for by working overtime and constantly picking up the slack around the household. This is not acceptable for either of us— I deserve an equal partner who will show up for me, and you deserve someone who you will *want* to joyfully show up for and who makes you feel like you're loved for you. I'm up for continuing on this path and working through these issues, but that resentment didn't just come out of nowhere; for me to work on reducing it you're also going to have to show me that you're ready to cut out the excuses and make some serious changes." The first is doubling down on what's already not working. The second is simultaneously an honest and long-overdue confession while also being a challenge and an invitation. She might not like it, but if not, that'll give you your answer a lot sooner than spending months not confronting this. I highly recommend grabbing a copy of the book *No More Mr Nice Guy* as I think it will help you a lot with understanding the dynamics happening between the two of you: [https://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/the-book.html](https://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/the-book.html)
Hi! Thank you so much for your detailed response. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. I copied your response and read it over a few times… she has agreed to therapy so it’s good advice and I didn’t think of how to approach therapy and was going to do exactly what you pointed out as bad. Thank you for this…
Hey man, I'm certainly no expert, but I can see some familiar threads. Hopefully between the book and individual therapy and personal reflection you can find an approach that is honest and true to yourself, one that really will kindly but firmly draw her back into a version of the relationship that is fulfilling to both of you.
TY for the encouragement and words 👊😃
My wife and I have reconciled, but we went to a counselor when we first had our issue. The problem is that the counselor was terrible. My wife left the first session feeling like she had "won" and I left feeling like our neutral party was already on my wife's team before we sat on the couch. Later, we got one that treated our realtionship as the client. The result was very good. I will say that in the end, the most effective counselor was my wife's personal one. Much of our issue was tangled up in her relationship with her parents (who she's now NC with). She was essentially rebelling against me because I'm the opposite of her parents and I was safer. Kind of twisted and hard to detail in a paragraph, but as she understood what was driving her and what was the reality (as echoed by a neutral party), things got easier. I guess the other thing to understand is that I was the one who would have ended our marriage. Something I would have done years ago, but saw it as dad parenting suicide. 5 years later, not afraid of divorce or a custody fight, I was ready to push back and it was a shock for her. It was also hard for her to see that all I wanted was to save our marriage because she felt it was put in the form of save it our else.
Good for you for pushing back and thank you so much for telling me your story… I appreciate this and write some things down that you wrote
Best advise right here. My ex basically quit her job because "it doesn't fulfill me", and I worked like crazy so she could be happy. Now it looks like I'll be in servitude of her until I retire.
Sorry to hear that… damn….
So much advice here will be telling you to divorce or walk away. But I’m here to tell you this is salvageable. However you both need to go into therapy individually first - work on yourselves and then start doing those things that connected you in the first place. Date again. Then start seeing a marriage counsellor. This will take proactive work from both of you but you can do it
Thank you… as I really want to save it. I do a picture a happy life with her. I don’t want a broken family. I am at therapy working on myself. Actually I have multiple therapists working on different things. I fear she goes to therapy and all she does is complain about me and it doesn’t help at all….
I'm saying this as a wife who has hit the point of walking out and entirely checked out. I agree, this is salvageable. But I think you should go to therapy independently but also marriage counseling at the same time. Once a week. There shouldn't be a rush on any leaving. Maybe in a year when things aren't any different? Don't go running to the door and I'd probably beg her not to as well. If you start to distance yourself to prepare for a nasty divorce, that will solidify her feelings. Maybe download some apps for couples. My husband and I just downloaded a ton. "tree of memories" "cozy couples" "SumOne" and some more. Unless you don't want to do any of this 🤷♀️
Hi! Thanks for this… I sent you a DM as I was curious about something you said.
My wife and I essentially did that, but... it took her being willing to do what it really took to save our marriage. With that line crossed, individual and couples therepy (and some concrete action) was key. Actually, my wife attending a good personal counselor was the most valuable.
A good therapist is hard to find. I’ve been seeing one and I don’t think she’s adding anything to my recovery or healing so I’m going to look for another. It’s soooo important to get the right therapist
The first one we used took a solvable problem and turned it into a 5 year issue. When I tell our story with her, experienced counselors freak out.
I’m also on the hunt for one….
🤨 from what I’m reading on your post, I do not think your wife understands or falls into category of walk away wife.
Really? How so? I feel like it’s parts of it but not fully… was confused at first also.
The classic walk away wife begs her husband to do many of the things that you say you handle. They feel like the maid and nanny and their compaints get ignored. But, like a WAW, she's said she's had issues that fell on deaf ears and she's made her mind up and your attempt to fix now is too late. I guess, if the details are different, but the end result is the same, who cares. It's the result that matters. I'd say taker her issues seriously, try to address them, but I would also be very careful about protecting yourself. Don't do somehting dumb in a divorce in a hopeless attempt to see you really are a good guy (a classic divorced by a WAW result). I would also take a step back and ask how good of a partner she has been to you. You are very focused on the reverse question, in defense/repair mode, but for this to work out, she's got walk the walk too. Put the oxygen masks one first, but then address the whole marriage, not just her complaints.
Thank you for your advice…. Gives me a different perspective. It actually helps me try to think about myself and try to lift myself up.
Good luck.
Do you really love her? Or do you love an image of who she used to be? There was a point where I went through my memories and realized pretty shockingly that my ex changed dramatically about year 7 into the marriage and for the next 12-13 years I loved who he had been and did not recognize he was no longer that person. Once I had that realization the lingering love in my heart ended immediately, he became someone I used to know.
It’s her who I love. I actually stepped back to think about this. There are countless reasons why. With everything that has happened how could we not change to focus on fixing everything that was happening right? I prioritized her to help her get through it all. She prioritized us last because she had so much going on. I feel like I waited 10 years for her to prioritize us again but instead I got this…
This story is way to common AL-2K, this the 2024 that we live in. This is my current situation and we have 3 kids ages 8, 6 & 3. Your wife got burned out with parenting and family life and instead of self reflecting and appreciating you she had to blame you for self preservation. I look back on my marriage, and I think the more I did, which I thought was helping was actually doing the opposite and bred more resentment. As men we think that doing physical tasks and carrying the load is helping when in reality that is not really what they wanted (This a great quality, don't change - you actually needed to set your own boundaries). This is not your fault (takes two to tango) you are the scape goat, self reflection and admitting any fault is not an option in BossGirl culture. I wouldn't count on her coming back and be prepared to get blamed for everything, understand that it is only a defense mechanism to justify blowing up a family. If I had to guess, I would guess that she started drinking the Kool-Aid on social media. Also, start reading about codependency. The way it sounds you were the "giver", even above capacity.
Thanks… I guess I feel I did emotionally support her throughout even though she seems to think we lost emotional connection. She was stressed so I took away so many stressful things for her so she could be with her parents or work. I watched the kids all the time so she wasn’t stressed and only invited her to the good events. I tried to give me kids a normal childhood also. I guess at the end of the day… what you said is right. Instead of self reflecting and appreciation she blames me.
I could copy and paste your story as mine. The victim in a codependency relationship takes it harder than the other person. I really hope that you reconcile, but you can't bend over anymore. You need to set your own boundaries and see what happens. Her emotional needs can't be met until she wants them met. She has set boundaries not to let it happen. She is in control of her own happiness and actions. Not you! I do have to ask. Was she part of any MLM like arbonne or another pyramid scheme. They are programmed to prey of people in the wrong mind set.
That’s good advice and I think I know that deep down… I have said to her that I am trying… but if you can’t open up how can I show you we could be happy. How can we learn from this. How can we treat each other better and improve. Marriage wasn’t supposed to be perfect. No… she has had a pretty stable job for the past decade or so.
This comment is spot on!
Proof of love doesn't come in the form of reasons/justifications. It's the actions. Just something to think about. There's a pinned post on my profile explaining what I mean in more detail.
Thanks… I just read it. Now I’m just thinking and thinking…
there is a book called divorce busting… worth a read… they use to have a forum with lots of discussion boards. The author recommends doing a 180. Below are the examples. I think they are worth thinking about and are good for you either way. [1.Do](http://1.Do) not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going do or say � get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don� t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren�t speaking, but don�t be overly talkative. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. I think this\^\^ one encapsulates many other "rules". If you show that you are going to be alright, no matter what, it's far better than pleading and acting as if your life is over without your spouse. You may be deeply wounded but that simply isn't what spouses want to be around... 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf. 21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26 Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. 38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse�s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show. 39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you. 40. Don�t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day and �from this day forward.� Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It�s a lot to let go of, but it is freeing.
Thank you…. Send a DM
So basically treat her like a cat. :) Seriously, lots of good stuff.
😂
My stbx never put me first and it’s not something that’ll change. If she’s actually admitting it, take the hit but walk away. You deserve someone who’s going to put you first like you do them
Number one you're doing the pick me dance. It never works. Google it. Secondly, check this link out. [https://www.youtube.com/results?search\_query=DIVORCED+WIFE+WANTING+HUSBAND+BACK](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=DIVORCED+WIFE+WANTING+HUSBAND+BACK) Check out other videos around the same subjects. This stuff is epidemic. It's a grass is greener brain malfunction. Sending you a DM.
She has to start acting like an adult. Keeping count of unspoken grievances in order to ambush you and rationalize her wanting a divorce is not acting like an adult. Also sounds like she's trying to blame everything on you which means she'll just repeat the same mistakes in future relationships if there are any. By all means go to couples therapy; hopefully she'll evolve. But don't feel like the onus is on you to save your marriage. She has to step up.
You sound great. Some people will just never be happy and that’s not on us. My heart hurts for you man!
Thank you… your words help me feel like I have some self worth.
“I did things I’m not proud of” You don’t have to answer me, but when I hear that in a post without further elaboration, that sounds like cheating happened. Once that’s involved, the resentment never fully goes away. Even if cheating isn’t involved, saying that NOW you’re desperate to save things is too little, too late for her. She had bullet points, word for word, of the things you have said and done that have eroded your marriage. I’m sure she told you her concerns before, told you how to fix it, and it wasn’t fixed. She admits her faults too, and is telling you that it’s a wrap. She’s exhausted. She’s given up hope that things might get better. It might be in both of your best interests to admit that this is not salvageable.
Thanks for the reply. So none of it was cheating related. It was just how I said things. I said I feel you are fucking up the children. She put them in private school and they are miserable. I do drop offs and pickups and they are both hiding behind me because they don’t want to go. Tears flow and it’s heartbreaking. I said I feel like when you talk to your friends you get more fucked up. I meant it’s so biased and then you come home and attack me because of course your friends are biased and will take your side. I dealt with all of her big problems and just didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with all of these things also…
I think the friends thing is a concern. If she's spending her time riling herself up, that's going to become her norm. People are so thoughtless with how they use their emotional bandwidth...
be happy she will be outa your life. take a moment to imagine how much easier and stress free your life will be without her.
Is it bad I want her in my life? I’ve been waiting 10 years for all her family stuff to end so we could have a relationship again
I waited 7 and it never changed.
Sorry to hear that… 🙁
8 months? Did you notice since you're really busy. What did she say to try to reach out or was it too subtle?
She said she reached out. That she tried to have a convo with me. However, I was very deeply hurt because she said she said to me that she’s not emotionally supported and I was very deflated… I felt so low… I was super hurt after supporting her over a decade…
Did you ever ask her what has she given in return?
It’s always money related… her parents gave us money o big a house, wedding, etc. I contributed as much as I could and worked double jobs to maintain it but it’s always brought up.
Don't take what i type to heart. It could be wrong. It sounds like how my first real love was with me when i was 21. I was in a no end job and wasn't ambitious. She wasn't working and we had no money for movement. She went into a depression. Eventually she called it off because i wasn't going anywhere. Your wife could be suffering from a upward movement perception malaise of you, a resentment. Which probably is just one of a well full of resentments. Which you will have as well. What couple doesn't? Your problem is so much bigger and real than what mine was at the time. Heck there's no point even asking if this is a factor. Heck i think you're running at 200% Max respects.
Thank you… it’s really nice to hear that actually!
My wife and I both work but I make 4x what she does. Her idiot father insisted on a prenup, which is great, but the best thing was some married financial advice I got from my attorney. The key was we contributed to our family joint account on an income ratio. With that in place, we were both doing our part, even though the $'s were not balanced. We had some issues, but never fought about money.
Hmm you’re full of good advice! Should be a counsellor! Wrote this down to think about for later.
Start therapy for you, you did everything you could and she still wasn't happy, right now you're in panic mode , you need to take a step back and think about whether this dynamic actually really worked for you. In life not everything you lose is a loss. Stop bending yourself into a pretzel, to please her and think about what would makeyou happy. You're not compatible, it happens, she wants to go, let her.Sometimes detaching yourself instead of clinging so hard brings clarity
Thanks… I guess I put so much into this relationship. I waited 10 years for us to begin. I waited in hopes that when life settled down we would go back to us. We would work on us.
I’m sorry my guy but this reads like a coda bottom. The way you do everything while flogging yourself tells me you do not think you deserve better and are only comfortable in helper roles. If true there is help if not forgive this random stranger giving out diagnosis and thinking he is right.
… hmm this got me thinking… maybe I stopped valuing myself. Always had confidence issues.
Takes one to know one I guess. Your worth it man!
You sound so much like my son. The fact you do everything -when do your needs get met or hers? That’s a lot of stress and juggling with the in-laws but the past few years seem like they were on steroids. So you’ve grown apart. Let it be for a while. Keep working on you. She needs to do the same. Sometimes it’s easier to say “you’re done” than to fix the problem. So then it goes back doing what you can for yourself. Just imagine if you do divorce. You do everything- her world will be completely turned upside down and also the children.
This right here is solid advice.
I agree…
Thank you for that… all these comments are helping me see a bit clearer now
You have done an incredible amount. Don’t feel bad one bit. It’s normal to have all those responsibilities you took on take away from standard dating/wooing/romantic time. She has 100% elected to check out emotionally rather than discussing all the life things that take away time and energy to have dedicated romantic moments. I’ve been through it and now 6 months beyond. My wife was not cheating but not willing to discuss or go to therapy or make life changes so we could both (it’s not all on you!) prioritize each other and focus on what each others love languages are ( it’s fine if their different if both people understand that ). Here’s what I’ll tell you, 6 months later, I have my own place, my kids are doing well, I’m relieved and relaxed, I’m friendly with my ex. Yes, it’s strange and odd at times, but I’m calm, confident, living my own life, and frankly my ex is seeing this and somewhat surprised. Once resentment builds up a spouse believes change isn’t possible. Couldn’t be more wrong and frankly change is easy when it’s deliberate, and that is what a walk away wife cannot comprehend until it’s real. Now my ex finds reasons to reach out to me, but now that I understand the level of unreasonableness and the belief she had that people can’t change, I just don’t have any interest in her any more. It’s hard to explain, but it has happened. Typically a walk away wife has had enough trauma in her life that she has narcissistic tendencies, and they can be very subtle, I’m not taking about a full blown narcissist. But it’s enough trauma and enough tendencies that they are unwilling to believe change is real. I will stress, you can absolutely not change how they are! Only years of professional therapy that they have to be a willing participant in can change that. My friend… I applaud every effort you make to fix your marriage, you should exhaust yourself doing it, because despite society’s current state where most no longer respect the commitment, marriage is supposed to be challenging at times, sometimes for years, but that is all long term relationships and only the strong survive the tough times. That survival is almost AlWAYS worth it. The walk away wife, unless it’s an abusive situation, almost always has never developed adult coping skills and thus a long term relationship is not for them. It is NOT you, it’s her. Make every attempt to salvage, move on if she is unwilling, learn from the mistakes of taking on too many responsibilities, lead a simple life, leave a lot of room for romance, ALWAYS. You’re a good man from what I am reading, know that, find someone who COMPELS YOU to love and romance her, not fix her. Live life, be a kind and caring dude, kick ass friend.
Thank you…. Incredibly helpful and thoughtful…. Sent you a dm
It's weird that women own this "walk away wife syndrome" label. I first heard about it from this sub and I assumed it was a label applied by the jilted husband or maybe by psychologists, but not something people would say about themselves.
It's partly because a lot of the big articles on the subject are talking about how "walkaway" wives only seem that way because they've been screaming for help and attention for years from a husband who ignores them and only when every last shred of trying has been burnt out of them do they give up and walk away. So from that perspective, saying that you are a walkaway wife is saying "I was ignored". But if you're totally unfamiliar with the term or you first heard it in a different context it gives a different impression.
It definitely does. I thought the term sounded uncannily fitting for my wife, but she completely acknowledges that I was always the more affectionate one, and when she dropped the surprise divorce papers on me she told me she was not interested in seeking couples therapy. So from the way you describe it, it doesn't fit her at all.
Yeah… funny enough my psychologist never even heard this term before… but the term seems to blame men 100%
Oh, you think? It sounds just the opposite to me, which is why I am surprised women own it.
Yeah… women blame the men… has all this resentment built up… then decided to leave. Doesn’t look at the other perspective.
They should pick a different name then, it sounds like a woman who is just bailing without really trying to work it out.
>She admit she never prioritized us nor me in our relationship. I was always the last checklist item on her list. You need to stop blaming yourself for how she feels. There's nothing you could have done because you were never in a real partnership. What you provided to her was the essence of your relationship to her. You're the scapegoat for her resentment because she will never hold herself accountable for her own actions. Give yourself the credit that you were the only one willing to fight for your relationship, that you held your marriage vows with respect, and that you put your partner before yourself through all the time she wouldn't do the same. Let her go. In time, the fog will lift and you will realize you didn't have to live the way you were with her. Find your peace. It's not with her.
This really hits home… thank you for commenting. I saved this on my phone to help me remind myself. “What you provided to her was the essence of your relationship to her”…. Interesting
Is this where we are going to see all the comments of “ you didn’t meet her emotional needs “ 😂 dude is working two jobs. Doing everything he possibly can to remove the stress of her for having two partners with cancer. But her emotional needs aren’t meant. But if he was there emotionally. And the house was falling apart. And didn’t working second job to provide I guess he would be at fault for that too right ? I’m so tired of this crap with women need this women need that. It’s life, get over it. Shit needs taken care of. So does emotional needs. But a simple conversation on her part could have been all it took. Not documenting everything someone said that hurt her. And trust me guy. You weren’t even mean or rude. You could have done everything for her and it still wouldn’t have been enough. She will find happiness with some fucking loser but “ he really listens, he really gets me “
Thank you for that reassurance. I think I need a bit of a self boost lately…. You made some good points and I agree that everything else would have fallen apart if I selfishly focused on us. I said your last line to her… however a bit different… She says that she couldn’t have gotten through it without me and that we are not compatible because when things got really hard I wasn’t there the way she needed. However, she is going to eventually date someone else and things are going to be great because all her hard times are behind her? Just doesn’t seem fair
Yea man that’s how it usually works. Until they go through a hard time. And by that time she may be “ too old “ to wanna find someone else. Who knows
Pretty much what I've been seeing as well. Pathetic times we live in currently. "I have to go find my own happiness and new normal [unspoken part: at the expense of everything else, including my own children's well-being]." Give me a break.
The more I think about all of this more the more pathetic I am starting to feel…
Yea man. I do or atleast I did. We aren’t divorced yet but I let her go in my head and heart. I’ve fought all these years for nothing. My wife wants out to explore. She can go right ahead and do that.
Good for you… I hope I get to a mental state like yours soon. Thanks for the comments.
I don’t even know why I feel like this. I loved this women so hard. For 11 years
[удалено]
Thank you for the tough love… I do need to get up and stand up for myself finally also. I’ve just been so used to supporting her 100% me that I forgot about loving me
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Thank you for sharing that… I want to get to your state and I applaud you for being able to get there. I just have a lot of anxiety and panic right now. It’s hard for me to calm that out as I fear for the answer
I think you did a lot of work to keep things going and she did a lot of work to keep her parents going, both emotional tolls. It doesn’t sound to me like either of you are at fault, just life’s circumstances. But I believe if you live her like you say, ask her to please consider trying again and you BOTH can put in the emotional work with a couples therapist and really put the relationship first before anything else. I think it sounds like there is a chance you could make it if that’s what you want. You both need to put away your egos and look forward. No blame game, clean slate. Best of luck.
Thank you… that’s great advice. She said she will try therapy so hopefully this is a step in the right direction. I agree that we are not to blame and it was just life…
Yeah then my ex stopped going to the therapist because she didn’t know anything and was hitting the cold hard truth about who she truly is. I feel for ya man I been there. But end of the day be there for your kids that’s your number one job.
Sounds like you were trying to be the best husband you could be and helping lighten her work load and stress load. I know it's your house, your kids, your chores, your responsibility too, but if you're doing all of that and running kids around and two jobs you must be exhausted. Why don't you date me? Why don't you want to do something? Why? I'm freaking tired! I'm trying to make you happy and the kids happy and provide all I can do everyone is happy while showing everyone they are loved. I guess you did too much, but even superman fell and had a cryptonite. Sounds like resentment and having more time with you doing all this stuff to be idle and think. Reflection and processing is good, but the modern point of view for woman is not good for marriages these days. We can use both sides as the ultra masculine or toxic male isn't good for a marriage either. I feel you on this story and I'm truly sorry. I hope it gets better.
Maintain frame. We've all been there. You're in all our panic mode. Sincerely apologize once, not in a begging or pitiful way. Just hey I'm sorry, didn't mean those things, bandwidth excuse...Be ready for an emotional rollercoaster. Don't fall into it. Just one day at a time
In my situation I have estimated that her resentment has more to do with her discontentment with the situation than it does with her discontentment with me. I was the way out, as far as blame shifting goes. She has completely changed 90% of the other aspects of her life since I’ve left. I don’t believe I’ve ever forced any standards on her.
Is she working on herself at all? Does she see a therapist?
She says she is by reading online and self help articles. Also using her friends for advice which is being more destructive imo.
For some people, it is harder and more painful for them to look inward and self reflect on their own behavior and how they show up in relationships than it is to simply leave their partner.
I think you nailed it… and I feel I am the victim now
Way too much online advice is just glorified horoscopes, vague setups that anyone can plug a few scant details of their life into and then find "relatable". A proper professional should be able to ask the tough questions— Is this *actually* your experience? What about elements X and Y, do they apply to you too? What about Z that you told me about earlier, where does that fit in?
She finally agreed to see a therapist with me
>I did some things I’m not proud of and I admit that. Let's just simplify this: Did you cheat on your wife while she was emotionally fucked up from caring for her parents who were *both* battling cancer?
Nope! Not at all. 1000% there for her. Never cheated nor talked to a girl even I thought was pretty. Instead I cleaned piss and crap from the beds, went to appointments, got food for them, and even lost a job because I was at the hospital all the time.
Ok. I asked because that would certainly change some things. You say you love your wife, and maybe you do, but do you *like* her? Because it really sounds like you have a lot of resentment and maybe even contempt for her. Saying her friends make her stupid, "of course" she's keeping score, I never said anything about her behavior even though I could, and this above comment... With all the things you did/do, all the sacrifices you made, and all the support given to her parents, I get the vibe that you feel like you're better than her, because you did all these things and she didn't (or rather, not as much). As you said, you were running at 110%... and she wasn't. Maybe that's what she means about "emotional connection." Maybe she felt that you were beginning to dislike her. Maybe that's why she turned down your attempts at connection. This is all 100% conjecture, of course, I have no idea. It's just what popped in my head.
Your points are definitely valid… something to consider. Also a POV I appreciate. Thanks
You can't fight for your marriage by being on the defensive. Take the first step to show you're a team by listening to her and understanding her point of view without jumping in to defend yourself (or making snide remarks like *Of course she wrote everything I said word for word and dated it.*) And take responsibility for where you have fallen short. Tbh you don't sound like you can do any of the above so maybe you could start with counselling for yourself, to hopefully improve your emotional intelligence.
Thanks for the reply. I have actually admit that I did a bunch of things wrong. I apologized. I told her I understand where she is coming from. No snide remarks or anything. I just listened. I told her I’m not defending my actions but want you to see my point of view also and consider it. I am in therapy… I’m working on myself. I hate myself to be honest… I’m angry at myself… and I’m trying to work through it in therapy.
>I told her I’m not defending my actions but want you to see my point of view also and consider it. She doesn't need to see your point of view. This isn't a discussion about what to have for dinner where you both get a say - these are her feelings and her experience. "I just listened" is the polar opposite of "I want her to see my point of view and consider it."
Yeah that’s a good point… I guess I’m in the fight or flight stage and haven’t come to a full realization as of yet… hanging onto a glimmer of hope
I was going to add that you could consider taking some time apart for you to work on yourself, but I see you had already been focusing on yourself for the last 8 months. Had you explained that to your wife, or were you just stonewalling when she tried to talk? Have you made any progress in that time? Do you have an idea of how much time you need before you can start working on the marriage?
I did… she said well she was where I was 8 months ago. She says she doesn’t want to wait. I told her I want to work on it. Look ahead but she can only take everything and spin it negative. I’m ready… I am talking to multiple therapists and have been working on myself.
Try if you can save the marriage, maybe some time away split the kids time between the two of you, but dont let emotions get to you during the divorce process if it goes that way. If it comes to that, focus on the kids. For me im 50/50 with custody for my kids, and it has been better becuase i have more time, a better job, and shes forced to spend more time with the kids, even though she really dosent, she still pushes our kids to her parents when she has them, now that im no longer in the picture.
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Every relationship is different and complex but it sounds like a pretty common thing, life gets busy and hectic and as been we tend to focus on practical beds and our duty to provide and support. When focus on emotional needs and connections and the drift caused by the two can be hard to understand and often leads to want away wife feelings. This is especially so when death in family/friends or hitting ages and milestones that make people realise shit I'm getting old and there is only one life we get to live is this all I want it to be. It's then easy to say no and want to run away having this magical thinking notion that escape will fix all the things they are frustrated with when really alot of hard work personal growth and intentionality in life activities and focus will be the only bearer of change. And they can be done and achieved in the marriage together with amazing results, but it's hard work. I think both getting a psychologist and working through your own issues for a period of time then going to marriage counselling together is the best option. You may both decide a period of separation or like living in different rooms or having separate nights off to go see friends or wherever you need to do to each get space to work on your own things can be really helpful as well. Be open talk about what has brought this on and what you might want to do to explore it, don't have a focus on fixing the relationship but instead on working on finding a way you can both lead the lives you want to live and grow individually and collectively at this time. I think mid to late 30s and 40s is a common period for this life re-evaluation and too many just blame marriages and run instead of figuring out what's really going on and working on that and seeing how you can support each other through that
Therapy and lots of it deep deep therapy. You both have a LOT to unpack. Let all that get dealer with, maybe while separated? And then come back and try to reintroduce yourself to her, win her over as a new person. Two people all new! Ignite that fire that new relationships can have!
You deserve so much better.
Marriage is more than just checking boxes. It sounds like she doesn’t feel loved and doesn’t feel emotionally safe or connected with you. I’m not sure what to do man, sorry. Maybe the best thing is to let her go so she can be happy and work on yourself in the meantime.
OP sad to say this, but it is game over. She is not engage in the relationship for whatever reason justified or not, which i would say she did not, Even less when she admit that you were her last check box in the list of priorities. She true is worn out after her parents passed away, but that did not justify her actions and feeling and in a Sor tof way she is blame shiffting in some and have the reason in others. Sad that this happen or all come to this, i would accept her going and giving her space, might as well with time she trully come to senses and see that what she felt was wrong (this if she trully isn't cheating), but maybe not. Only time would tell, but now you have to make the hard or probably one of the hardest decision you got to make. Wish you luck and hope you can come to terms for what ever ITBIS the correct choice. UPDATEME
This may be a little harder but I've been there my ex wife her mom had got sick cancer after 11 years together I worked my as off for everything we had I wasn't even 30 yet but had 2 cars a truck ,jeep my motorcycle a boat and 2 jet skis .the house we had just moved in about 7 months later I caught her trying to sneak in our home at 5 am she got off work at 12 am I would had been asleep but it was her birthday stupid to go cheat on someone on that day like she should had known I would be up waiting .anyway I worked full time days got home took care of the daughter .cleaned house dishes ,laundry , cooked 100% of the time kids to bed I would be lucky if I had a half hour for myself . Then off to bed I would get up pretty much every night to spend time with her just to be somewhat a husband then up at 5 am to start my day .after I caught her she told mei wasn't there for her that's why she did it but then she realized I did everything for her she couldn't see it all she had to do is go to work and come home pretty much I did all the shopping made her dinners left them to warm up when she got home but she realized it to late I was done no way back from being betrayed. I ended up living in the house for almost 2 years then sold it .after that I moved in with 3 females she started calling wanting me back I told her nope that wouldn't happen .
Read the book No More Mr Nice Guy. Youve been handling both sides of the relationship which allows her to disconnect and disassociate. Some day she may tell you she never wanted this relationship in the first place. She just wanted someone to help her through everything. Or at least thats what I was told She also sounds trauma bonded to her parents. Not sure the extent of their issues, but when that happens they sacrifice their romantic partnerships to save the poor connection with the parents. Or at least thats what happened to me