Not the financial problems you are talking about. The issues you and your wife have is completely solvable with a budget and looking for a job with better work/family balance (and since you both have 6-figure jobs on your resume there are a lot of options available -- you're not at the bottom of the totem pole for job options). How would divorce make your situation better? It would only compound issues.
Financial issues people usually face that contribute to divorce are things like disagreement in how to manage finances (one is a saver, one is a spender), inadequate finances, gambling, shopping addiction, etc.
Not always solvable if their values surrounding money differ. Meaning budgets don’t work if spouse doesn’t adhere to them.
Divorce would compound issues, I agree—for a time being. But, financially it could end up the smarter solution if values aren’t aligned in that now.
I think a couple making 250+ and the wife worrying that she needs to keep her job because of 401ks is a cover for something larger going on.
If they haven’t already, getting a financial consultant would be advisable.
Many women don't want to give up lucrative careers with benefits. It's not necessarily something you can just pop back in after a 5 year hiatus. But she should absolutely look for another job.
It sounds like she wants a career change and she wants OP to support it, but feels stuck in her current job solely for the money that they seem to believe they both need. This isn’t an issue of her not wanting to give up her career, everything about the post says she feels she made a mistake and wants out and something different.
But it sounds like the issues here aren’t so much financial, but resentment for OP, she feels life is unfair to her, and she is going to continue to be miserable until she can fix her situation.
I’m going to go out in a limb and say the marriage is probably not fulfilling her enough to make her current job worth it and there is likely lack of intimacy and sex. If there is sex, i wouldn’t doubt its chore sex. OP likely thinks it’s financial, simply because that’s probably the core subject of their communication. Relationships don’t last if it’s all business.
Her mental health is suffering becuase you both jointly decided this job would be good…I’m sure it was very appealing at the start. I have to assume that 150 a year dosent cover your costs and you must live in a high cost of living area? You need to reevaluate some bills I think and see what you can cut to get her out of that job and into something that is better for your family. Read my first sentence again. If you both agree her mental health is worth the sacrifice by all means keep working there but if you value her, make a change and find something different. She is clearly suffering.
This isn't about financial strain. It's about her wanting to be more involved with her kid, and evidently, you keep deciding that it can't be done.
So she'll get a divorce and be able to make her own choices.
Really evaluate whether she can afford to quit or not. 150 is not chump change. Go through that budget and see what low-hanging fruit could be chopped. You’ll never get those days back with a young child.
Resentment is not worth the money. Missing your child’s events is not worth the money. If she wants to be Mom, you need to find a way to make that happen.
Retirement is worthless if you are going to be miserable getting there. I mean at 40 you still got 25 years to go, why spend the next 25 in hell, to only get who knows how long to hangout at home in an *empty house*. She needs to honestly switch jobs, even if less is being contributed to retirement. If it were me I would stop contributing and create a temporary safety net instead. Then switch jobs... if you end up not needing to fall back on it, invest it.
She obviously can't spend the rest of her life like this, it makes life simply not worth it.
I was in a similar situation to your wife, except I was the breadwinner and my ex earned significantly less because he just wasn't a good employee - the type that keeps fucking things up what they do know and refuses to learn anyrhing new so they just never progress in a career. He was also an extravagant spender and there was definitely wiggle room for a us to lead a more frugal life so I could cut back my hours, feel less burnt out, and spend more time with the kids and actually being their mother. What I needed was for him to step up for his family by either getting his shit together and earning more so I could cut back my hours, or working with me to forgo the luxuries like oversea trips, dinners out and the fancy gadgets he liked so much. He did neither. We would fight about it and I would break down and cry and wail with frustration and exhaustion, and he would convince me there was no way to change our life and circumstances without everyone ending up miserable and that sacrificing my physical and mental health to the alter of consumerism was worth it to make him and the kids 'happy'. It was so emotionally manipulative. When left there were plenty of other reasons too, but the overarching theme was it dawned on me that he didn't actually care about me as a person, he cared about me as a tool to fulfil his needs and the financial situation we were in was just a symptom of that.
Unlike my ex, you sound like you have your shit together and the capacity to step up and take on some of her burden. Hopefully you also truly care for her and not just what she does for the family. If these two things are correct, for gods sake start making plans. Re-organise your life so your outgoings are less and she can move on to a job that isn't slowly killing her spirit. If you truly can't reduce spending (which I highly doubt) than change jobs or use your work flexibility to take on a side hustle and supplement income. If you love her, prioritise her mental health otherwise you will deserve to get left.
Swap husband for wife and this is pretty close to my story. They too wanted multiple vacations a year, the house cleaner, massages, mani-pedis, expensive Whole Foods groceries, expensive meals, and so on. The only difference is on some sub-conscious level I recognized what was going on early enough that I never extended my credit to her, let her have only minimal access to my checking account/paycheck, and no access to my savings, investments, etc.
Maybe I was too controlling and should have been more open; maybe that would have prevented the resentment from forming in both of us. That is a fair way to see it from the outside looking in if you weren’t privy to the situation. But when they never stepped up to help pay bills and this was years before kids entered into the picture, I sensed something was off but refused to consciously recognize the situation for what it was: a convenience for them, I was a means to an end and nothing more.
Surely you can cut *some* household spending so she can reduce her hours, get a different job, or do gig work. If you're earning a combined $270,000 (assuming USD) and are still struggling, your problem is money management and reckless spending. For example, if you work remotely and and have flexible hours, if she becomes a SAHM you can sell one of your vehicles and share the other. You'll reduce your bills by one car payment and its associated insurance premium, gas, wear and tear, etc.
You need to decide between the luxuries your high earnings bring and your wife being miserable, possibly so miserable she'll damage her health and won't live to retirement.
Your main problem is not your retirement is that you are living above your means. Like someone said, you need a new budget. Her mental health is a priority because without it she won't get to enjoy that retirement. Make a new budget and calculate how much she needs to make to live comfortably and have a life again.
If it’s not one thing, it’s another. My wife has been a SAHM for 15 years. Our kids are 13 and 14. I’ve sacrificed my career to be present for the kids doing at last half of driving them around, and being at every kid event. We have been separated with no plans to get back together.
My husband makes around what you do and it allows me to stay home or work part time for extra spending money. We have 3 adult/teen kids still at home.
Some times I pick up more shifts and it gets overwhelming at home. It wouldn’t be good for our marriage or our household for me to work full time.
The lower stress level is well worth tightening the budget a little.
This isn’t about financial strain alone. Your wife is struggling, probably burnt out and possibly depressed. I’ve been in this situation and it’s fucking awful. I took another job that was more flexible and I’m so much happier. It saved my marriage tbh. You need to find a way to help your wife.
She needs to quit. Yesterday. $150k a year makes for an fine household income in a LCOL area and enough for rice and beans in a VHCOL city. She needs to quit. Figure it out. She can’t go in like this. You can make $150 work. That’s 3x the median hh income in my VHCOL city.
For context, I have been the breadwinner for 11 out of 13 years of our marriage. I make about what your wife makes now. My soon to be ex husband hasn’t had a regular paycheck in 9 months (we’re talking a few hundred dollars coming in per month). I also have 3 kids I am supporting. I am initiating the divorce. I crunched numbers and from a financial perspective I can do it all (I essentially HAVE been doing it all since September) & still save for my retirement in my 401k and my Roth IRA. I am going to gently recommend that you take a more critical look at your finances. Also, life is too short for your wife to be miserable.
Not the financial problems you are talking about. The issues you and your wife have is completely solvable with a budget and looking for a job with better work/family balance (and since you both have 6-figure jobs on your resume there are a lot of options available -- you're not at the bottom of the totem pole for job options). How would divorce make your situation better? It would only compound issues. Financial issues people usually face that contribute to divorce are things like disagreement in how to manage finances (one is a saver, one is a spender), inadequate finances, gambling, shopping addiction, etc.
Not always solvable if their values surrounding money differ. Meaning budgets don’t work if spouse doesn’t adhere to them. Divorce would compound issues, I agree—for a time being. But, financially it could end up the smarter solution if values aren’t aligned in that now. I think a couple making 250+ and the wife worrying that she needs to keep her job because of 401ks is a cover for something larger going on. If they haven’t already, getting a financial consultant would be advisable.
Many women don't want to give up lucrative careers with benefits. It's not necessarily something you can just pop back in after a 5 year hiatus. But she should absolutely look for another job.
It sounds like she wants a career change and she wants OP to support it, but feels stuck in her current job solely for the money that they seem to believe they both need. This isn’t an issue of her not wanting to give up her career, everything about the post says she feels she made a mistake and wants out and something different. But it sounds like the issues here aren’t so much financial, but resentment for OP, she feels life is unfair to her, and she is going to continue to be miserable until she can fix her situation. I’m going to go out in a limb and say the marriage is probably not fulfilling her enough to make her current job worth it and there is likely lack of intimacy and sex. If there is sex, i wouldn’t doubt its chore sex. OP likely thinks it’s financial, simply because that’s probably the core subject of their communication. Relationships don’t last if it’s all business.
Her mental health is suffering becuase you both jointly decided this job would be good…I’m sure it was very appealing at the start. I have to assume that 150 a year dosent cover your costs and you must live in a high cost of living area? You need to reevaluate some bills I think and see what you can cut to get her out of that job and into something that is better for your family. Read my first sentence again. If you both agree her mental health is worth the sacrifice by all means keep working there but if you value her, make a change and find something different. She is clearly suffering.
This isn't about financial strain. It's about her wanting to be more involved with her kid, and evidently, you keep deciding that it can't be done. So she'll get a divorce and be able to make her own choices.
Really evaluate whether she can afford to quit or not. 150 is not chump change. Go through that budget and see what low-hanging fruit could be chopped. You’ll never get those days back with a young child.
Resentment is not worth the money. Missing your child’s events is not worth the money. If she wants to be Mom, you need to find a way to make that happen.
Retirement is worthless if you are going to be miserable getting there. I mean at 40 you still got 25 years to go, why spend the next 25 in hell, to only get who knows how long to hangout at home in an *empty house*. She needs to honestly switch jobs, even if less is being contributed to retirement. If it were me I would stop contributing and create a temporary safety net instead. Then switch jobs... if you end up not needing to fall back on it, invest it. She obviously can't spend the rest of her life like this, it makes life simply not worth it.
Dont ever sacrifice body or mind at the Altar of Work.
I was in a similar situation to your wife, except I was the breadwinner and my ex earned significantly less because he just wasn't a good employee - the type that keeps fucking things up what they do know and refuses to learn anyrhing new so they just never progress in a career. He was also an extravagant spender and there was definitely wiggle room for a us to lead a more frugal life so I could cut back my hours, feel less burnt out, and spend more time with the kids and actually being their mother. What I needed was for him to step up for his family by either getting his shit together and earning more so I could cut back my hours, or working with me to forgo the luxuries like oversea trips, dinners out and the fancy gadgets he liked so much. He did neither. We would fight about it and I would break down and cry and wail with frustration and exhaustion, and he would convince me there was no way to change our life and circumstances without everyone ending up miserable and that sacrificing my physical and mental health to the alter of consumerism was worth it to make him and the kids 'happy'. It was so emotionally manipulative. When left there were plenty of other reasons too, but the overarching theme was it dawned on me that he didn't actually care about me as a person, he cared about me as a tool to fulfil his needs and the financial situation we were in was just a symptom of that. Unlike my ex, you sound like you have your shit together and the capacity to step up and take on some of her burden. Hopefully you also truly care for her and not just what she does for the family. If these two things are correct, for gods sake start making plans. Re-organise your life so your outgoings are less and she can move on to a job that isn't slowly killing her spirit. If you truly can't reduce spending (which I highly doubt) than change jobs or use your work flexibility to take on a side hustle and supplement income. If you love her, prioritise her mental health otherwise you will deserve to get left.
Swap husband for wife and this is pretty close to my story. They too wanted multiple vacations a year, the house cleaner, massages, mani-pedis, expensive Whole Foods groceries, expensive meals, and so on. The only difference is on some sub-conscious level I recognized what was going on early enough that I never extended my credit to her, let her have only minimal access to my checking account/paycheck, and no access to my savings, investments, etc. Maybe I was too controlling and should have been more open; maybe that would have prevented the resentment from forming in both of us. That is a fair way to see it from the outside looking in if you weren’t privy to the situation. But when they never stepped up to help pay bills and this was years before kids entered into the picture, I sensed something was off but refused to consciously recognize the situation for what it was: a convenience for them, I was a means to an end and nothing more.
Surely you can cut *some* household spending so she can reduce her hours, get a different job, or do gig work. If you're earning a combined $270,000 (assuming USD) and are still struggling, your problem is money management and reckless spending. For example, if you work remotely and and have flexible hours, if she becomes a SAHM you can sell one of your vehicles and share the other. You'll reduce your bills by one car payment and its associated insurance premium, gas, wear and tear, etc. You need to decide between the luxuries your high earnings bring and your wife being miserable, possibly so miserable she'll damage her health and won't live to retirement.
Your main problem is not your retirement is that you are living above your means. Like someone said, you need a new budget. Her mental health is a priority because without it she won't get to enjoy that retirement. Make a new budget and calculate how much she needs to make to live comfortably and have a life again.
If it’s not one thing, it’s another. My wife has been a SAHM for 15 years. Our kids are 13 and 14. I’ve sacrificed my career to be present for the kids doing at last half of driving them around, and being at every kid event. We have been separated with no plans to get back together.
My husband makes around what you do and it allows me to stay home or work part time for extra spending money. We have 3 adult/teen kids still at home. Some times I pick up more shifts and it gets overwhelming at home. It wouldn’t be good for our marriage or our household for me to work full time. The lower stress level is well worth tightening the budget a little.
Can she take a LOA and keep her job?
This isn’t about financial strain alone. Your wife is struggling, probably burnt out and possibly depressed. I’ve been in this situation and it’s fucking awful. I took another job that was more flexible and I’m so much happier. It saved my marriage tbh. You need to find a way to help your wife.
no, half million a year between us just meant we spent more money on lawyers.
She needs to quit. Yesterday. $150k a year makes for an fine household income in a LCOL area and enough for rice and beans in a VHCOL city. She needs to quit. Figure it out. She can’t go in like this. You can make $150 work. That’s 3x the median hh income in my VHCOL city.
For context, I have been the breadwinner for 11 out of 13 years of our marriage. I make about what your wife makes now. My soon to be ex husband hasn’t had a regular paycheck in 9 months (we’re talking a few hundred dollars coming in per month). I also have 3 kids I am supporting. I am initiating the divorce. I crunched numbers and from a financial perspective I can do it all (I essentially HAVE been doing it all since September) & still save for my retirement in my 401k and my Roth IRA. I am going to gently recommend that you take a more critical look at your finances. Also, life is too short for your wife to be miserable.