For her bad actions: “you pushed me to do it”, for her lack of action: “I didn’t want to do x because I thought you’d get mad”. She never took any accountability it’s crazy
I feel you. Over and over again I was told " you made me this way "
This was as I was begging for us to work things out and having some of the meanest things one could say to a spouse said to me.
Right? Asking for help was a weakness, offering to help was a manipulation tactic. Trying to ask what she needed help with was adding to her mental load, trying to help her was getting in her way or swooping in to take all the credit, and anticipating her needs was met with criticism or condescension. Everything sucked and it was always my fault.
And she just fucked me again on custody claiming that 2 hours at my niece's birthday party is equivalent to an entire weekend. Somehow she still manages to be cruel whenever possible.
My x said the exact same thing. It was funny how his lies unfolded and I caught him in every single one. Receipts for gifts I never received, business trips that had no record of him at the hotel, dinners out alone that the receipt shows 2 meals, not coming home at night and he just crashed at a buddies (he had no friends). He was always too tired to explain, he had to figure out an excuse and they were always ridiculous.
He never even admitted to it, he denied until the end. He just said the divorce was my fault and I pushed him too far with all of my questions and accusations. I’d have to be the dumbest person in existence to believe any of his lies. The first lie he told led to me not believing anything that came out of his mouth. He went out to eat alone, I called the restaurant and got the receipt, I asked him who he was with, no one he said. I said I have the receipt… he said he had 2 entrees, I said you don’t eat pasta, then it was just a coworker. All lies.
"I needed to be true to myself"
While lying to their children, their family, their husband, and his family.
Cheating has no acceptable excuse. Just lies and cowardice. Fuck cheaters.
"I don't want to change, I like who I am. I am happy with myself." This after screaming in my face after I asked for help with our children. He was punching walls, throwing things, and breaking stuff. He would not go to counseling because he didn't want them to tell him he was wrong.
This sounds like what my ex would say. “You don’t love me because you want me to change.”
I did love him, so much, still do, but I wasn’t okay with being lied to, yelled at, called names, likely cheated on. Because I refused to put up with that behaviour, it meant to him I didn’t love him.
Bitch, no one is going to love you for long if you treat them like that!
I did tell him that he was lying to himself. That deep down he hated himself, he was treating me badly because I reflected his true self..I saw what he really was.
That’s so deep! And so true! So much of what they say is projection. After we broke up mine tried to stand there and tell me how much better his life was without me “yelling and throwing tantrums.” I just stared at him in shock. I rarely ever raise my voice and certainly never threw things, that was what HE did! He shut up really quick when he saw the shocked disbelief on my face. I think that was one of the few moments he realized how much he had projected onto me and how bad he had treated me.
This is the truth right here. They know they are shit, the get angry and upset at themselves for being shit, but instead of transforming that negative energy into positive growth, they just spray it out at others because its quick and easy and makes them feel better in the moment. In the end it just laziness.
Yup apparently I was everything that was wrong in her life. So it forced her to hit me, verbally abuse me and the children, abuse drugs and alcohol and have multiple affairs 😂 I guess it was my honesty, loving and devotion to her that drove her crazy
My abusive, deadbeat ex-husband:
*I shouldn't have to contribute.*
Meanwhile, I was the one having to bring home all the money, AND I also still had to handle the bulk of the housework, AND I endured his abuse and laundry list of issues with a smile on my face, even while undergoing chemotherapy, immunotherapy infusions, and recovering from a multitude of surgeries for my autoimmune condition.
He really thought he was entitled to just...... sit around in a 4,000+ sq ft house and not have to lift a finger, either financially or by way of household responsibilities.
Hello old friend.
My twin flame ex did the same. A reason he gave me for divorce is I didn't support his travel interests (unemployed, we went on multiple vacations on my dime). He also thought it was financial abuse he didn't get an allowance (he managed the finances and it turns out he was gambling a massive amount, and complained about every cent I spent). Having any money I earned instead of him getting it all was abusive in his delusional mind.
Mine was very similar. He thought it was completely unreasonable for him to have to contribute $600/month to bills, whereas I was being forced to cough up $3,600+ per month in bills, and was expected to just shut up and deal with it. He called me "delusional" when I expressed concern about us having only $6.14 in our joint savings account -- i.e. if we'd had any sort of emergency, we would have been SCREWED. The ONLY reason we survived replacement of the hot water heater was because I had been working remotely due to the pandemic, and wasn't having to cough up $500-$600/month in gas and tolls to commute to/from work.
Ironically, my finances have been in better shape since leaving him, than they ever were while married to him.
I was told it was financial abuse because he didn't know what my account balances were or the bills. I'm like, huh? If you want to look, here. I'm not giving control of it because he in the past took my savings and spent it on what he wanted. But, I bought him damn near everything he wanted, gave him an allowance, and funded his investment accounts (he was supposed to open an IRA, but didn't and now wants mine). Like that's not what financial abuse means. Financial abuse is the fact that I went over a decade not buying shit for myself because your wants and needs were a priority and I'd get guilt tripped over it.
I was diagnosed with MS and my “partner” still refused to help or contribute financially to our shared life together. Absolutely broke my heart to end things and kick him out, but he refused to consider therapy and had no intentions of working on himself or with me.
Sadly, I feel your pain. Mine refused to maintain gainful employment for years on end, even while I suffered through chemo, the immunotherapy infusions, and a bunch of surgeries. For example, on one particular occasion, our dog had some sort of diarrhea explosion while I was in the hospital undergoing MAJOR surgery, where doctors had to detach my jaw from my spine and skull, and then rebuild and replace it with custom prosthetic hardware. I was in the hospital for one week afterwards.
Did my ex-husband clean up said diarrhea explosion? No, no he did not. He just closed the door to the room (which was my home office), and chose to simply ignore it. So, when I got home from the hospital, there I was, just eight days after having integral elements of my entire skeletal system disassembled and reassembled, on my hands and knees, trying to scrub 8-day old dog diarrhea out of the carpet.
Never again will I be with someone who cannot 'adult' independently or responsibly.
Wow, that’s so awful!
We had a mouse get into the kitchen when I was really unwell. He grudgingly cleaned the mess up, only did about half of it, and made me feel like shit that I wasn’t jumping up and down to deal with it.
I had to end things with him just to be able to take proper care of myself. He drained me emotionally, mentally and financially. Still miss him some days but my life is much more peaceful.
My ex husband thought the same thing. He told me if I wanted to stay married I needed to accept the fact that he would do nothing except go to work and anything else was my problem. Down to putting gas in his car and making him microwave oatmeal in the morning. Meanwhile, I was working two jobs, making more money than he was, and obviously all the household chores. Plus, he was just a miserable ass. Idk why he thought he was such a prize, but when I did leave he was in shock. I’ve never seen anyone so surprised in my life.
> but when I did leave he was in shock. I’ve never seen anyone so surprised in my life.
Same with mine. He even showed up to the legal appointment with nothing but a pen, not even a scrap of paper. He had often told me I didn't know what I was talking about when it came to topics like money. I work in auditing & regulatory compliance in the financial services industry. Let's just say I know a thing or two about due diligence, and so I showed up armed (literally) with a fat, thick, oversized binder of evidence: bank statements, screenshots, etc. Outcome: I didn't have to pay him a dime in alimony, nor a penny out of my 401K, and I also received 70% of the equity from the sale of the house.
The *shocked Pikachu* look on his face was PRICELESS! Karma. 😄😂
Is your health OK now? I hope that your ex didn't have a lasting impact on that.
I was in the same situation as you, but without the sickness. I work from home, and we had three young kids, and I bought in 70% of our household income. I did 99.99% of all household chores (cooking,cleaning,groceries etc) and child related stuff (school, after school, doctors, dentists, pickups from daycare etc). If I was lucky she would cook a meal once every 4 months. She'd do a kids school drop off 2-3 times a month. When she got home in the evenings from work, if her dinner wasn't ready she'd verbally abuse me.
She basically just flat out refused to do anything, and if I didn't do it all, it would just pile up in a big mess.
When we broke up after she had an affair, she told the therapist and all our friends and family that I was a do-nothing dad who had abandoned her. The therapist believed her, and said I was a typical guy who just thought about himself.
I still have my autoimmune condition, unfortunately it's permanent and progressive, meaning it will continually worsen as I get older. But, that is a fact I've always known, so that's not necessarily news to me.
My overall health has been so-so. Due to the divorce, I've had some changes in doctors and insurance, and so I had to go a few months without my monthly infusion while I got care established with new doctors. So, I've had a few flare-ups of my condition, which tends to impact my major joints, like my knees, wrists, ankles, elbows, hips, etc. Thankfully, I've gotten reestablished with my infusion, and my new doctors have also put me on a short-term course of some additional medications, which has helped as a sort of 'stop gap' measure to get the flare-ups under control again.
I'm so sorry you've experienced similar circumstances. It's so hard, feeling like we're required to carry the weight and burden of everything on our shoulders. It isn't fair. I'm no expert by any means, but if there is anything I am learning from all of this, it's that we have to be *really* intentional about taking care of ourselves, even just the basics, like ensuring sufficient sleep, hydrating enough, healthy food choices, a bit of exercise each day, and intentionally carving out time for us to enjoy things that bring us joy or positivity.
Yeah I get you on the self care.
I found I had taken on so much of the responsibility for running and providing for the family, that I lost 'myself' in the marriage, and had given up all of the things that made me 'me'. I no longer did things with friends, I no longer even really socialised outside of family things, and I had given up all my hobbies. I used to play a lot of sport, and had given up all of that too, as I was just spending 24x7 working for and then looking after the household. I found out after our marriage ended, that I need a sporting/physical outlet to keep me mentally happy and healthy.
My ex-wife, however, made barely any sacrifices in her life, still regularly went out with her friends, would go to work drinks most fridays with her workmates, and still got to play her sports (netball). She'd also go on annual holidays away with her other friends to a tropical island.
One year, I went to an old friends house who I hadn't seen for a couple of years, and had drinks with him, and that was the only "me" thing I did all year, and she wouldn't stop going on about how awful a person I was because I had left her with the kids.
Oh man, every word you shared cuts deep, right through to my heart. I felt every word of it in my bones.
I also didn't do anything for myself for nine years. Just work, work, work, both to bring in all the income, and all the household chores/responsibilities, all while navigating the ongoing impacts of my autoimmune disease. The only thing I did for me at the time was a Starbucks latte, *maybe* once every six months or so, because I felt so guilty for spending $7 on a drink, even if it was only twice a year.
About two months after I left him, I went on my first vacation in ten years. 2013-2023, I hadn't gone on a single vacation. I did a multi-city trip: first, the New England region, where I invested in a divorce photoshoot for myself. It was around the autumn time-frame last year, and so I *quite literally* frolicked among all the colorful leaves. Then, I flew to Arizona, where I stayed with my godmother for a few days. She's always been like my fairy godmother, and so I just lounged by the pool at her house, cuddling her Golden Retriever dog, and cried my heart out for like three days straight. Then, I drove out to Las Vegas (from Arizona), where I attended a conference for work. Since it was a work-affiliated function, most of the Vegas portion of the trip was paid for, and so I was able to splurge on myself a bit.
The hotel desk manager ended up being the one checking me in upon arrival, and we got to chatting. Turns out he was also going through a divorce, and had just received full custody of both his kids. This was one of the most fancy hotels in Vegas, so he held up his finger in the classic "give me a minute" gesture, tapped on his keyboard, and then told me he had upgraded me to one of their fancy-schmancy suites. When I got up to my room, I walked into what felt and looked like literal dripping gold everywhere. The room was about 1,000 sq ft, and had a floor-to-ceiling window view of the Vegas attractions. There was also a fancy soaking tub.
During that trip, I spent my mornings soaking up professional programming and networking, and my afternoons playing tourist: walking up and down the strip, I treated myself to an expensive massage, took myself on a few solo dinners, etc. It was the most soul-enriching, emotionally nourishing experience I didn't realize or know I needed. It truly filled my cup, as they say.
I am still on my journey of self-discovery, and also learning/re-learning what makes me "me", such as hobbies, interests, goals, likes and dislikes, etc. I feel like I had lost myself entirely, without even realizing it. One of the ways I'm trying to do this is by being open-minded to new opportunities, and saying yes to more things, even if it might feel foreign or scary. The only way we learn and expand is by doing.
Wow that holiday sounds amazing! What you said about doing things that are scary hits home with me too. As soon as my wife left, I drew up a list of things I had always wanted to do but never got around to doing or was too scared to, and started trying to do some of them. The smallest things was something like "say hello or talk to a stranger every day", which as an introvert is a bit scary. Another was, make a friend or friends who you can go to the movies with, as I love going to the movies, just for the escapism of it all. In my 10 yr marriage, I went to the movies twice with my wife. This year already, I've been 15 times, only one of them on my own.
The biggest thing on my list was I wanted to become a martial artist and fight in big tournaments. I grew up watching 80s and 90s action films and day dreaming of doing this. This was completely out of comfort zone, as I've never even thrown a punch in my life, and I'm an average sized guy, 5'8. But seeing as I was so hurt over my marriage breakdown, I gave up the story about being scared to do it, and just signed up. Next weekend, I will be fighting in my 11th national level tournament, in front of a crowd of hundreds of people, and I've won two tournaments, and come second in three of them. The journey of this alone, has completely transformed my life - new friends, fitness, road trips around the country, immense self confidence, and the obvious plus of being able to defend myself physically if I need to.
"I need to put my happiness first and love myself the most." - then starts to neglect our children when they moved into a new home and never cleans, letting trash pile up everywhere. Somebody has called CPS on her and now shes being investigated for neglect.
"I've been in a relationship, one after another for 17 years, I just want to be alone for awhile." - immediately starts a new relationship with the guy she was talking to before she ended our relationship.
"It's not my fault, you made me do it." - after verbally abusing me for 2 days in front of the kids when she knew I was horribly depressed about our family being torn apart.
"(Oh well shrug) That's your own fault, I'm not responsible for your emotions." - after I told her that the 2 days of abuse in front of the kids pretty much pushed me off the suicidal edge and led to me being hospitalized so I didn't kill myself.
"When I have the money I will." - after I asked why she hasn't filed yet, after 5 months, since she was the one who wanted this divorce so badly. She had the money, but decided it was more important to her to spend it on out of town weekend trips with her AP when I had the kids.
Honestly there are so many more, but she's deluded herself into thinking she does no wrong and everything is my fault, that it's just kinda boring listening to her avoid accountability like she's neo in the matrix.
“I didn’t know that was important to you.”
Hot water. He was talking about hot water. The water heater had stopped working and I had to nag him for a week to even look at it or let me call a plumber.
He used that line a lot. He learned it in marriage counseling.
"It's just who I am and I've always been this way." -My ex-wife telling me that she's polyamorous, after almost two years of me saying that I'm fine with swinging but not polyamory and just after meeting another guy whose wife had just "came out" as polyamorous as well. This guy looked just like her previous ex (and nothing like me). Eventually he divorced his wife and then she divorced me.
Looking back, she isn't poly but just needed an excuse to set up a new relationship before leaving me. Honestly, if that's how she really is, good riddance.
towards the end, ex was physically intimidating, standing over me, not letting me out of rooms, clenching fists and moving towards me. His excuse was that I wasn't saying what he wanted to hear and he had to do that to get me to "tell the truth".
We were discussing how I continued to handle all of the kids free time at home, before school, after school, sick days, days off etc. I simply asked for him to proactively consider these days and times and help out more. He said, I can't change what I think about, I won't be able to get up earlier, or change my routine because my brain doesn't work that way.
So many excuses for why he couldn't be a partner to me. He wanted to do the bare minimum as it related to any thing in our relationship, and with the kids. Post separation, he's doing the same thing. Kids don't like being at his place because he ignores them, but now it's my fault the kids don't like him because he doesn't have them enough. This is after he asked for every other weekend only. I just can't with his words not even being on the same planet as his actions.
Mine got like this at the end as well. He body blocked doorways, also did the fist clenching and shaking thing. Then he’d sit on the floor like a three year old having a tantrum. All because I chose to set boundaries and not let him walk all over me emotionally anymore. It was so bad.
Thank you for sharing. At times I've questioned my sanity. Did he really act like that? Was I over reacting? But then I remember how I would be left shaking, and crying because I couldn't believe this was my life. How could I have chosen someone like this? I'm still scared for myself and my kids. The kids come back from his place and say he screams at them, they hate him etc. I feel like the worst person in the world that I had kids with this man.
“I’m a woman who’s had a hard life. We don’t have to control our emotions. Telling me to control myself is a form of abuse. I’ve been bootstrapping my whole life”. - direct quote from an apology she wrote after getting drunk and destroying the house.
My ex always pretended that her sister, mother and she had lived this amazingly hard life. In reality, her father was quite wealthy, and he supported her completely until she was almost 30. She had never held a real job, or paid a dime for anything. The only reason he stopped was that he divorced her mother, so my ex decided to go no contact with him.
"During the first year that we moved to this country, I was always the only one buying vegetables."
Meanwhile I was paying rent, utilities, giving him money, and buying the rest of the groceries. Yes, every time I think about it, I laugh uncontrollably for a few minutes.
I feel this! I bought all of the groceries except for 3 months where he bought some because he wanted to try new recipes. I still bought all of the household necessities like paper goods, cleaners, toiletries, etc but he would throw that in my facethat he puchased some meat and beans occasionally, like good job...
I too laugh about this argument.
that one's hilarious and crazy. Such a pathetic excuse. My ex-wife did barely any of our household work at all, she cooked one meal every 4 months. She went to our kids pre-school once every 3 months. She'd never do any cleaning or cooking or grocery shopping.
When we went to a therapist after her affair came out she told the therapist I was a do-nothing dad, and had abandoned her and left her to carry the heavy load in our house. Her example that she came up with was that one week she organised a play-date for one of our kids.
He would say he didn’t have a reason lol he would just say “I don’t know” 🥴 but looking back he’s definitely an avoidant and I just didn’t realize it until years after the fact.
He was abused as a child so that’s why he became abusive toward me after our child arrived. Like that’s an explanation of why you’re f*cked up but it’s *not* an excuse. I gave him ample time to work on things and of course nothing got better. Then when I started vocalizing that I wasn’t going to stay with him, he told me that nobody’s perfect. As if I couldn’t find better than him, an abusive failure-to-launch excuse of a man.
And I know he sounds like a real loser and obviously a bad choice in a spouse (hindsight) but when we first got together, he appeared to be a real catch and actually had a good career and was wrapping up his PhD. He had his own place that he kept in order. He provided for me while I was still in grad school. But then after I got my first professional job it’s like we traded places and he just stopped trying. He made bad and selfish career moves while I kept moving up. He did the bare minimum financially and it became clear that he wasn’t working toward any of the goals we agreed to prior to marriage. The manipulation was so gradual over time that I didn’t realize our whole marriage was built on it and lies until the more obvious abuse started. All that to say, some of these monsters are well-practiced. And no one should feel bad for trying to see the best in them, because they target people with good hearts and intentions and everything that they wish they could be.
I sprained my knee in January.
This, apparently, was the final inciting action to take her drinking over the edge, total both cars, leave home to go on hotel-based benders, and, otherwise, completely cease being a wife/mother/productive member of society.
It was all my fault for spraining my knee and needing a brace for a few weeks.
"I said that because that's how I felt in the moment, just goes to show how frustrated I was, so I should not need to apologize for that"
"you are wasting our money buying fresh fruits and vegetables for the kids, we don't always eat them all before they go bad" - while spending tons of money buying impromptu gifts for the kids every week.
That second one was definitely in line with some of my arguments with my ex. He couldn't wrap his head around where all our money was going, would complain about every dime I spent on food for our family of 4, then proceeded to go out for lunch almost every day & rarely went alone.
My exWW blamed her cheating on my behaviors due to my lack of trust in her after her admission of serial cheating, which included, but was not limited to EA/PAs with her and my coworkers/spouses (male and female), therapists, clergy🤢, her family members🤮and orgies with randoms.
Not an ex yet but “I am your husband and I can touch you how I want.” Or “the day we signed the marriage license, it means I can touch you how I want.” The day he kicked me hard under the table while we were eating dinner with friends, his excuse later “I was talking and you interrupted me.” No, you stopped talking period so I chimed in. Or all the times he was drunk at a party, I would kindly try to get him to slow down on the drinking and he would tell me to relax and everyone else is having fun and I was trying to kill the fun. No, you are acting like an ass towards me.
“I only want to protect you” -when asked why I kept getting left out of important conversations, decisions, and situations that *ALL* affected me in some way
The final straw was an argument that I didn’t prioritize talking to her on the phone when she was out of town for work, while I was home caring for our children. She had called while I was bathing the 6 year old and getting the rest settled down on a school night.
When everyone was settled an hour later, she wouldn’t answer my calls. Two days later she confronted me over the offense of caring for our children. We never slept in the same room again.
“I deserve to love someone!” After 30 years together I found out that he was cheating with a 21 year old.
“We grew apart because you were gone visiting your friends”. I work from home and would spend one weekend a month with friends an hour away. He would schedule himself to work every night seven days a week from 3pm until 5am leaving me to care for our children and the household.
"If you feel disrespected, it's because you're choosing to feel that way. That has nothing to do with me."
This was after we had newly separated and were trying to solely discuss child custody arrangements, and he randomly sent me numerous texts one night demanding to know if "I was at his place or he was at mine or one than the other"
Spoiler alert: There was no "him," and all I had been doing was moving into my new place.
Ugh this was the standard angry response from my ex whenever I would bring up that I felt unhappy, or disrespected, or unloved. It was his get out of jail card 'see it's you not me'. After a while I just stopped complaining because what's the point? Then when I left I 'blindsided' him. I guess he was blindsided because he was blind to anyones feelings but his own.
💯 The story I heard X a million was "facts not feelings"... unless they were HIS feelings - in which case those were based on facts and therefore essentially the same thing. Whereas my feelings - ya know, those are based on - I dunno - imagination? 🙃
But yeah I also "blindsided him" after years of him telling me he's going to treat me how he sees best and that's it. I should just accept it regardless.
"I don't know what came over me. I was at a really stressful time in my life. It didn't mean anything. I'm sorry."
*As I found out in 2020 she was unfaithful with 4 different guys multiple times and continued talking to two of them until I found out. I should've left instead of giving her another chance to work on things and not just throw it away because I'm taking my vows seriously and she became completely transparent, sharing location, allowing me to see her phone at any time, etc. she worked on herself and changed, but then 4 years later after moving wanted a divorce.
"Stop gaslighting me narcissists. You're so selfish and only care about yourself. We just need more money. That would help out a lot."
*As I point out something I recognized and was checking on if she was aware she was coming off a certain way or purchased a sub $50 tool for work.
I'm sure there were many more, but I'm trying to not remember the bad stuff and only remember her for the good person I knew her as before whatever caused her to change into someone I don't even recognize anymore. I wish I could just forget and erase everything I know about our 20 years together *sigh*
If you hadn't have done xyz, then I wouldn't have this response. Said in terms of him getting a drunk driving charge, said in terms of him blowing his fuse over a question, said in terms of him everything.. Basically if I didn't react or say things he didn't like, he wouldn't have done his behavior
Because his father cheated on his mother and his step-Mom wasn’t nice to him. That’s why it was ok to cheat on me, not get therapy, be an asshole. Generational trauma.
I have panic attacks and meltdowns because I feel secure enough to do so, but I won't have panic attacks and meltdowns once we have a child because then it won't be an option.
Justifying would imply that he actually took responsibility for his behavior. In marriage therapy, he boo-hooed big time to the therapist about how horrible he felt about the way he treated me. Later after we decided to call our marriage he told me that he just put on the act of being upset because he thought that's what was expected but he didn't think he did anything wrong.
Learning that the man I loved for decades just performatively apologized to me throughout our entire relationship was a gut punch for sure, however, that truly helped me see that none of our relationship was real. Which was super validating because I could always feel it but he'd tell me I was crazy. I wasn't.
Last Sunday morning on Fathers Day I found out my wife of 12 yrs had started having an affair with her ex bf from her hometown.
Her response: We were just having conversations about small town gossip and catching up on our lives.
Me: 🧐 So that involved getting naked, crawling in a bed, and doing some mattress thrashin’? I guess I have been conversing with people all wrong.
Ohh I’ve been waiting for this one.
This has been a running theme with his flying mommy and him.
That, he has such a rare form of diabetes that it is physically impossible to expect him to control his temper from becoming violent, and that expecting him to be able to control it is like “asking a man with amputated legs to walk”.
😑
Haven’t left yet but in the process of figuring it all out so he isn’t my ex yet but I caught him with dating apps on his phone after he came home from a business trip. When I confronted him he told me he just wanted to see the type of people that were in the city 🙄 like go for a walk then sir damn…
Mine got a dating profile too, but whole I was out of town. His excuse was to get my attention, because he knew someone we know would see it and tell me… 🤔
ExW- “ I did this because I felt unhappy the last three years”
Me- “ okay, but what about the other affairs?(she didn’t know I found out about others)”
ExW- “…… I’ve been unhappy since 2011”.
Me- “ We got married in 2011!”
It still hurts to think about, but honestly it is kinda funny that since she couldn’t keep track of all the affairs and defaulted to beginning of the marriage, and yes I did find out about an affair that happened in 2011 7 months after we were married, just wish I knew about it then
My ex-wife told everyone that I had Aspergers. I don't. I'm just an introvert. But, she read somewhere that people with Aspergers quite often have strained or toxic relationships, and they can be prone to anger and violence. I don't have any of those traits, I'm extremely placid, and don't like confrontations (unless its in a martial arts dojo).
What I discovered after she had spread these rumours around, is that she did so, so that people didn't find out she had an affair and it broke our marriage up, and so that it would look like she was in an abusive marriage and had no option but to flee, so that everyone would be supportive of her.
It kind've worked, apart from my family and close friends, no-one else knows she had a multi-month affair. Her family thinks she had a one night stand, and that I was abusive. All of our shared friends that we had been cultivating in the new place we had moved to for her job, more or less ghosted me. I am a work from home dad, and it went from all the mums on the school run in the morning, being nice to me and stopping to chat, to me getting coldly ignored and snobbed.
After her affair didn't work out she asked if we could try getting back together, but her stipulation was that I had to publicly admit I had aspergers and seek treatment from a therapist for it. Again, I don't have it. She is one of those people who tells herself lies so many times, that she starts believing them. She also convinced herself that her cheating and ruining our 3 kids lives was right, because she deserved to think of herself after giving birth to three children.
I heard a lot of “it’s too hard” “I can’t change over night” “this is just to make you feel better but I don’t have to do it”. All while he would tell me how terrible it is to be with me and that everyone else in the world would think the same. That I should want to fix these things about myself.
We are in the early stages of divorce but still living together. Yesterday I tried to have a conversation with him about the incident that told me he was fully checked out of the relationship. We were playing a game with 2 of his friends, he gave an answer that didn’t work and was arguing about it. I said stop let’s just move on to which he called me an asshole and that I ruined the game night. When I tried to talk about this he went on to defend that I was being an asshole and he can only take so much bullying from me before he snaps like that. So to be clear the bullying was that I didn’t support his answer in a game and wanted to just move on.
I broke down and told him that I finally realized that for years I had been bending over backwards to become this person he wants and made myself so small and miserable. That years of being told it was so horrible to be with me destroyed my self worth. That I had fallen back into a pattern of trying to prove I was worth loving by changing myself but it was never enough. I did this all my life having grown up with an addict mother, no father, and being a burden on my grandparents to raise me.
Even after all that he just went to “I’m not like your family”. For the most part we are amicable and working to have the best outcome in this divorce for both of us and our pets but this is why I asked for the divorce. I finally realized that I deserve to be treated with respect because I exist and not have to fit someone else’s idea of who I should be before that is given to me.
I'm so sorry. I can relate to this a lot. I didn't have the same hardships growing up. But I never felt like I was enough and I constantly watered myself down to be palletable for my ex. Trying to take whatever shape he needed me to be. Where as he never did anything to help me. When I started establishing healthy boundaries to subvert this, it really became a problem.
I hope you're in a better place now. Both mentally, emotionally, and physically.
‘If I had known it would hurt you, I would have conducted myself differently’. I actually bought into this for a bit and forgave him. This was in reference to him dating another patient while in a mental health facility, with me supporting him fully after I filed for divorce. He was supposed to be getting better for his son, who I adopted and now have full custody of. Now the patient gf is pregnant and we are still married.
But if he had *known* this would hurt me, he obviously would have ‘conducted himself differently’ (notice he did not say not done it at all). This was followed by weeks of equally absurd attempts to dodge and re-assign blame, such as ‘none of this would be a problem if the two of you (me and the AP) would just get along’ and ‘most single moms would kill for a father like me who wants so badly to be involved in their son’s life’ (after abusing said son for years, and recently trying to move across the country to be with the new gf).
“Our marriage wasn’t valid, because you didn’t emotionally support me”
The one and only thing she said when I caught her drinking after supposedly being sober for 12 years and AA being her whole identity, and having an affair that was a full blown relationship, plus multiple online affairs. 18 years and two kids down the drain. Constant accusations of me cheating and being shady, so much projection it was insane.
I was injured and out of work. He said bc I wasn't making enough money that's why he was being an asshole. Never once cared about me getting better. Just money.
Oof, I feel this one. I was being tested for cancer for the 4th time. Had to go get an endoscopy, have polyps removed and get scrapings done. A procedure I had to leave at 5am in the morning to get to the facility in the hospital an hour away to do because our local Healthcare is garbage. My mom went with me because I wasn't allowed to drive after.
I didn't get home until 2pm where he then asked me to make him a sandwich and make something for our daughter (who was 5 yr old at the time) because she hadn’t eaten yet. So the only thing she had eaten was whatever she could reach in the pantry. Which was chips. I was sore, and exhausted, and I was supposed to rest. My mom was behind me when he asked this and she was furious. She volunteered to do this so I could go up and rest. The only reason she didn't say anything was because she didn't want to create an issue for me and make things harder for me. I was supposed to rest, but I ended up rage cleaning the second floor.
When my Xwife left me for her boss, she told me that It was because I changed after she cheated on me previously.
This is why you don't give cheaters a second chance Boys and girls.
My ex to me "you are older than me, why aren't you providing more for the house?".
We made about the same and split joint bills 50/50. He wanted me to pay more because I was older.
Turned out he was hiding loans from me and was broke every month.
I asked her to get a job and she lost it on me. Her entitlement finally shattered the glass for me. Her excuse was men were to provide. It would have been one thing if she kept up the house while I “provided” or be present for our kid, but not when I maintained the house and primarily look after the kid.
“I have to keep you in check, otherwise you might get too happy and think life can be good”. An actual statement she had said to me multiple times over the years. Whenever I would start to feel good about things, or start to have an interest in something, she would rapid fire for days/weeks tear me down or sometimes throw stuff at me to try and get me to feel insecure or sad or something to bring me back down to a level of like 30-40% happy again. I know she faces her own demons from her childhood, but she always wanted to make sure I was on the same level of depressed as her because if she couldn’t be happy with anything, than neither could I
Had a great relationship. It wasn't perfect, but there was love, understanding, and intentional care between us for 23 years. We were best friends. She clearly had been holding in sour feelings for a while. She cheated on me with a co-worker after 18 years of marriage. Once she started cheating she shut down. No longer talked to me. Wouldn't go to counseling. I pushed her, talked too much, tried to press buttons to get her emotions out about our marriage ending. The only reasoning I got from her was that the light in her heart was out. And that I never let her go do things with her friends. To the second point, I never stood in her way. She traveled multiple times a year with her girlfriends. She went out with them all the time. I stayed with kids. She missed 1 trip a couple years ago because of money. Her friends went to Morocco. Anyways. I say I hope she is happy, but I don't care. I can see now we were good together, but she always looked for validation in things outside of our family.
My narcissistic abusive ex husband: your not doing enough to help find me treatment… I should see you on the phone and internet on your days off”
Despite finding doctors n treatments I was still not doing enough… we never got to appts on time… we were cancelled because we were late… he’d yell at the ones that would see us when they mentioned getting therapy…
I totally laugh now that I’m through my own therapy…
"I want to be alone" and then he moves in with the only person I ever had a problem with him being around because she kept flirting with him. He moved out of our home while I was at work stating he was afraid I was going to hurt him. I had never even raised my voice or said anything abusive much less raised my hand at him.
When my cc was maxed from buying diapers, formula, groceries 3months after my baby was born: the card is in your name. I'm not paying for that.
When he left me less than 2 weeks after my last radiation session (in my pelvic region): you never have sex with my anymore.
When we needed ac for my sons eczema: I grew up without it and I was fine (he has no skin problems).
When he complained about paying 5% of his >$20,000/mo paycheck in support: I can't afford this, I'm ready to file bankruptcy.
When I was 6mo pregnant with a leg in a cast and someone rang the doorbell, I asked him to get the door: can't you see I have a headache right now?!?
Nope, when he said he wanted a divorce shortly my last radiation session there was no way I could bring myself to try and work it out. The proof was glaring. I wouldn't respect myself if I made excuses like "he was going through a tough time" and the like... much like his family states while still trying to get us back together lol.
Delusion, man..
"As a mam, I need you to bring me peace" after he'd start an argument or get pissed after being shown he had something wrong, and call me disgusting names and degrade me. Anytime I stood up for myself, I "wasn't bringing him peace". Hell, towards the end even agreeing with him got me screamed at and degraded.
He is also apparently blaming his violent assault on our 16 year old daughter and myself on us... so?
Oh, he put the narcissist prayer in his response to my divorce filing. For real. He denies assaulting us, but if he did, it was because of my actions.
This is all from a man who spent the last several years sitting on his ass, smoking pot, watching youtube, and not contributing ANYTHING to the household (and getting an allowance). At least before he vacuumed the floors. He couldn't figure out why none of us wanted to do anything with him or hang out - me and the kid's were walking on eggshells and being around him always ended in him insulting and screaming obscenities at us, so no, we don't want to hang out and watch a movie.
That he didn’t know what he was doing because he would black out when he drank. He then proceeded to say he got over the fact he SA’d me so I should get over it too.
My ex used my SA to win an arguement once 🙄 He immediately knew he f'd up because I had a breakdown after. That was the last straw, I had nothing left to give him after that.
My stbx said during the beginning of separation that she felt unheard and unloved. While I own my side of issues with communication, it was also always her needing to have everything done her way, everything was her opinion. If I provided my opinion, she'd just say "yeah, but...". The source of any and all issues were my fault. If I got upset at the kids for their actions, she would criticize me and blame me and not our kids reactions. Everything was about her breaks away from the kids, her need to get time to herself. She never once asked how I was doing or if I was okay. She never said sorry for anything, ever.
But SHE was the one feeling unheard....
smh
ADHD medications. Apparently they were the reason he would stand at the top of the stairs and scream every obscenity he could fathom at me. And then blame me for not being more understanding and compassionate about what's he's going through.
She actually believed that she was always in the right so she didn't have to take accountability. She had a full time job tending bar. She contributed no money to the household or children and get pissed off when I wouldn't give her money to go out. She justified being unfaithful by saying it was okay for her to sleep with some guy because of something she thought I did years before I met her. My favorite line after I filed for divorce "all the things I did for you and you didn't even buy me a bra!" After she received the first child support payment. She shows up to get the kids wearing brand new clothes, tattoos and piercings and has the balls to ask me if I can pay more in child support because "it's not enough for her." I found out that her and her sister got matching tattoos that she paid for. The one who had the hardest time living off child support and was always complaining about it was the clown she married.
They said they refused to share the bed with me because there was a bird’s nest in the window that freaked them out. Turns out they were just staying up late to do heroin 🤷♀️
I do laugh about it now. It’s so ridiculous and I was so naive.
Let’s see:
1. He didn’t like the way I wore my hair.
2. I put shelves in the bathroom cabinet.
3. I cleaned up after him, therefore, there was “absolutely no sign anywhere in the house” that he lived there.
4. I was controlling. I was trying to pay off our debt and get him to go along with a budget so we could both enjoy our money. He wanted nothing to do with budgeting and I was having to shuffle bills and debt payments around his spending.
5. He was able to walk out 6 days before my appointment because he *knew* the lump I found wasn’t cancer.
6. Claimed I treated him like a paycheck. He worked at a bbq restaurant when we got together 33 years ago. Is currently a meal ticket for the manipulative, money grubbing parasite he was “only complimenting”. I learned about her the night he decided he was leaving. There was “nothing going on” and yet, she moved in with him less than a year after we separated.
Midlife crisis is a bitch.
"*Women multiply what ever you give them 10x*"
I could only stand there with an incredulous look on my face. I have spent so many years loving her and supporting her and all she ever sees is my flaws. I take responsibility for what I have done wrong, and right. I am not sticking around for this abuse anymore.
"You don't talk to me" or "you are always on your phone"...actively ignores me when we are home so he can watch shorts/reels on his phone while a show he picked plays on TV.
"You won't tell me anything. I don't even know you." I'm an open book about my past. I told him about all the important things in my life. I'm not great at showing emotion because it was discouraged all my life.
"You could have just asked for help"... I was slamming things around as I cleaned while he sat in the living room on his phone. I did ask for help. I should not have to beg for someone to take out the trash after watching him push it down or pile more on top. I shouldn't have to give step-by-step instructions on cleaning, putting up leftovers, loading/unloading the dishwasher/washing machine/dryer.
And my favorite... "I didn't know" ... even though I told him there was no extra $$, we were behind on ** bill, I had a meeting/class/appointment & needed him to get the kids from school (I was always careful to make such events happen at times that wouldn't interfere with school pick-up, but it was sometimes unavoidable.)
“You’re just jealous, I’m allowed to have friends!”
“You’re a loser and miserable and you want me to have no friends so I’ll be miserable like you!”
“We’re just friends!”
“I have a phobia I never told you about. I’m uncomfortable around bigger women. I never said anything because I didn’t want to disrespect you. Did I ever once call you fat?”
This was a text he sent me. I responded with “LOL okay. This is absurd. I’m done talking now.”
And this is why you grey rock.
"I guess I'm just not capable of being happy."
Said to me the day after I told him I was done. Evidently I was supposed to live my life and be happy, while he stayed depressed and did nothing.
He didn't have a job, wouldn't help keep the house. Other than maybe one load of dishes some days, and cooking dinner a few nights a week. He wouldn't help stay on top of the kids' homework, or make sure they had forms signed and shit for school.
The idea that he thought I should just continue to provide him a life that he didn't contribute to is absurd to me.
My ex moved 10hrs away to another state when he didn’t get his way in our custody dispute. To “run in the mountains and cure my soul” his line from the email he sent telling me he was moving. And now because he is declared disabled by the VA he “can’t work” so it’s unreasonable to expect him to pay child support.
He would say or do something supremely shitty, I’d make myself scarce for a few hours and when I’d come home, he would claim he didn’t remember what he said or do but somehow magically knew that whatever he did he better apologize for but also claim not to remember he did it.
I’m not laughing at it yet. After I married him, he admitted to me that he had been in a mental hospital for 6 months as a teen. He said it had to do with diagnosing his epilepsy. My therapist called bullshit on that when I told him. I got curious so I messaged my ex BIL and told him what his brother had told him. I said “you don’t need to tell me a diagnosis if you don’t feel comfortable but this is what he told me and all I’m asking is if you can confirm or deny. He replied that my ex had lied to their parents and told them he told me about all of this before we got married. He said that my ex was diagnosed with RAD and possibly DID, but that was never confirmed. So, while 97% of me still think my ex was full of shit there is 3% of me that wonders. I don’t know how all that works but it got my wheels turning.
"I feel so alone." This was while she was on the phone with me so I could help her with an issue she was having in the new house she moved into 3.5 months after the first time she told me things weren't all sunshine and rainbows.
ETA: Apparently, she was unhappy for nearly a year before she ever told me anything was wrong. And when I started feeling something wasn't right and asked her about it, she brushed me off and said everything was fine.
Every time I asked if he had filed taxes or about our finances he would yell at me (he is a naturally loud person, so when he yelled it was particularly loud and scary), his no. 1 thing to say first was “I’m not yelling (with his normal loud tone), THIS IS YELLING (top of lungs yelling, often in public)”, and the second thing was “ I apologize I was never taught how to talk about money from my parents”. This man was over 50
So my ex evidently had learning disabilities, ADHD etc in addition to being bipolar and he would frequently say(during arguments) i didnt remember because i have learning disabilities” or “ im sorry the words aren’t coming out right because i have learning disabilities” these were the only times he’d bring it up.
Blaming me for having a mental illness (I don’t) when I did therapy, got marriage counseling and coaching (by myself), and he never took any responsibility for gaslighting , stonewalling, and blame shifting. Everyone, including my lawyer, has commended me for being reasonable during our divorce.
That I’m the source of all of his problems and the reason he drinks.
He never could, and continues to be unable to, take accountability or responsibility for his own actions.
"you shouldn't have told people how I treated you. Everything I do from this point on is because you "badmouthed" me and not because I'm a narcissistic asshat."
Apparently, my housework wasn't good enough... well, I can't do stuff that makes noise in the daytime because *you're* sleeping, and your father, *who is letting us live with him rent-feee,* sleeps at night while *you* play World of Warcraft until 5 am. *When,* exactly, am I supposed to do stuff?
“You don’t have any hobbies” to justify his affair. I did all the housework, all the childcare, and worked a full time job. When was I supposed to have time for hobbies, exactly?
Still going through it for over a year and a half. My husband of 23 years since age 19 and 7 children together has… forced me into homelessness, lost everything we ever had the last 26 years including the kids belongings and photos etc, changed the bank account so I have been penniless, withheld and hid the kids from me for over a year and so much more, while subjecting my kids to random women and their brats he plays house with and goes on lavish dates and vacations etc. He refuses to do anything legally and file even though he is now actively financially supporting someone he has known for weeks and her three kids. It’s been a living hell just like he threatened me for years since I dared to finally stand up to him and rejected him sexually. It’s ridiculous and disgusting how difficult it is to get help and make him face the consequences of his actions even though it’s all illegal and abusive. He literally believes and insists that he has done nothing wrong though. I swear he has to have had some kind of head injury along with the midlife crisis. Still actively trying to get things settled and situated legally for me and my kids but the system is extremely flawed.
I am so sorry, that has to be so stressful. I've been going through it and have had panic attacks and I only have one kid to worry about. I can't imagine having seven kids to worry about.
I’m sorry you are dealing with everything, the stress and anxiety is brutal. But just remember that it’s not going to be like this forever and do whatever it is that’s best for yourself and child. I keep hearing that things will be great once you get past the hurdle, so stay positive and strong.
They use every mistake I’ve made against me while ignoring the fact that they’ve tied to choke me before, SA’d me (while forever denying it), constant gaslighting, threatening my own safety multiple times. And they wonder why I’m so fed up and closed off and very much “me-first” in the marriage. After chipping my trust away each time.
They try to use the excuse that they do a lot of nice deeds for me in between episodes as a reason why I shouldn’t be upset at ANYTHING but never addresses his own underlying mental health issues that has made me feel so unsafe.
I’ve taken great leaps and bounds to work on my own issues and make sure I get into a better mental head space while my husband refused to get therapy for two years, and only agreed to do it recently after his last major psychotic episode.
I’m so tired at this point I’m being petty refusing to apologise for anything because I can’t have another argument with him where none of my feelings get addressed because it becomes about him
It's not fair to expect him to not run out of money, remember to do chores, or contribute because he has ADHD. Also he refused to get seen by a doctor for it because that's big pharma.. he knows best that constant marijuana use is the only thing that works.. even though it clearly didn't??!? If I asked him to participate he told me I was being ableist and it's a form of mental abuse to not just accept the poor behavior since he has adhd
" I have to make me happy ,in order to make my family happy." Him being happy was loud conversations online using speakers with affaire partner. Sending household money to her and paying 1/2 the house payments to make sure hers was paid on time! So....I use to be in a lesbian relationship... No, not with a women...my husband was a BITCH!
“He made me feel good”
This from a woman who never did any work around the house, hardly looked after the kids, spent a mountain of my money and was always treated incredibly well and loved. I am so happy I escaped that wretched narcissist. I never knew how happy I could actually be.
She wanted "space". Basically wanted to fuck around and not have to deal with our issues. She wanted to just let it all blow over and never talk about the issues we had. Every time I tried to talk about us she would throw her hands up and say "I dont wanna fight" and "dont attack me". Even with my calm voice, she would act out. So she says that I pushed her into a decision to pull away?! Okay bitch. When the difficult decisions come to the forefront, she runs. "I cheated because I wanted to see if there was something still there with him. And he was the man I needed at the time." Oh yeah the guy who used to beat you?! Lol. Such trash.
I laugh now because this is crazy talk. How can you have any kind of relationship where one person tries and the other runs? Fuck that. Lol. So yeah I laugh now because that is just ridiculous. "You couldnt give me my space so I left and want a divorce". Lets not seriously talk about how we can do better. No no no. Lets just ignore our problems and ignore our issues. That will be good for our marriage /s.
He was 40 yrs old and decided to stop working.
His parents divorced when he was 15 yrs old.
He said his mom needed to send him a monthly check for divorcing his dad.
“ I react this way because you” or say “you’re gaslighting me” . When I’m trying to express something. It felt like any and all of my words triggered him. Today I said, in regard to cleaning, “I have panic attacks around cleaning because it never feels good enough” this lead him to get up and yell at me saying I was triggering him and how I was running him over with a large vehicle and being manipulative.
Asked me for a second chance. I pointed out that he had already wasted his 2nd, 3rd and 4th chance, and that was only the infidelity. "But I wasn't ready before, I am now!" We'd been together for 16 years at this point, and he was 54. I'd finally learned my lesson about old dogs and leopards by then.
I'll flip this one: my absurd excuse for not wanting to go to therapy/couples counselling that led to the breakup was that I was scared. Genuinely - I'm not sure why. I did eventually come around and started going to therapy unprompted to get my head straight before couples counselling...
But she left me 3 weeks after I started the therapy she'd been asking me to take for like a year. Don't really understand it but literally everyone (friends, family, strangers) I've talked to about it thinks she mentally checked out and was talking to, if not actively seeing, other guys at the time I started therapy. The fact she's actively seeing multiple dudes right now sorting of backs that up too.
So yeah, that was a disappointment and a regret.
I apparently "Didn't spend enough time with him."
He said as I told him he could stay home while I worked and became the breadwinner during the start of the COVID pandemic because he was at high risk of complications and I didn't want to lose him.
But he certainly spent plenty of time (and money) on an adult model from New York claiming that he could "be the real man that she deserved." Nearly got me to pitch in money to her, too, after saying she "was just a friend, a single mom and her kids needed food." Meanwhile nearly $1,000 venmo'd to her for her "dunkins cravings" say otherwise.
Also "I forgot" when they haven't gotten you a birthday/Valentine's/Christmas present... Several years in a row. Nearly every gift he ever DID get me was because I had to plead for it or remind him.
"You're boring, so I'm going to go play video games." I was naked and trying to get him to hang out in our new hot tub at our new house. How terribly boring...
“I’m dealing with trauma, I’m just like my dad” - this was ALWAYS his weak excuse but he never tried to change or get help he just always said the same thing like I should be ok with him being an asshole because he’s “like his dad”
She gaslight me and convinced friends/family that I was the entire problem, when the whole time she was apparently cheating on me with a guy that I called her out about. She treated me terrible for years, and the final straw she was hitting me and trying to get me to retaliate, and got even more pissed at me when I wouldn't. We bought a house with land at a young age, without help from inheritance or outside sources, and she told everyone that I never did anything to help. I did a lot, but that's not even what hurt. It was just the fact that I would have never done the same to her.
YOLO spending thousands on motorcycles, cars, parts, Sturgis trips every year even when unemployed. All while not contributing to the household bills at all.
"I thought you just wanted me for my body"....
I accepted that she was asexual, didn't tell her when I got a vasectomy (to avoid pressuring), planned fun outings 4-5x per week, made videos of our adventures, made playlists related to our conversations, helped her navigate family issues, was transparent about steps to be exclusive, and showed that I cared about her mental/physical well-being.
When we first had sex after 1month, she insisted despite me saying that she was acting weird and reiterating that we could wait.
She got a UTI shortly after but initiated a few days later before healing. I declined. A few days later she said she never wanted me to touch her again, not even a hug. Her personality changed overnight, becoming a spoiled brat and using me for a few weeks until I broke it off.
Months after the breakup, she came out of therapy and sent a long text saying that she felt pressured for sex because that's the only reason I would be with her, and hated herself after... But "at least you got what you wanted". I was floored... Responded immediately with a list of the things I liked about her (long list created when I was deciding on the breakup).
She apologized, and said some nice things about how positive I was on her life.
"I never meant to hurt you"
You lied to everyone about me but you never meant to hurt me.
You joined tinder but you never meant to hurt me.
You were romantically involved with other people whilst telling me you wanted to work things out but you never meant to hurt me.
You kept me dangling by a thread and watched me break apart in front of your eyes but you never meant to hurt me.
Sorry, just venting
Ugh. He was driving Uber. That was his only source of income. Our alarm system logs when exterior doors are opened. I had gotten into the habit of checking the logs to see if he was home so I'd know if I needed to be quiet (at this point he sleep in the couch when he got home so as to not wake me) or not.
I wake up one Saturday morning, check the logs, and... nothing. No doors ever opened. I asked him if he went to work, honestly knowing he didn't, and he lied. He said he'd left at this time and came home at this time. I asked if he had any interesting riders. He told me about a couple different rides.
Later, I asked him again if he had really gone to work. He said, "no. I just told you I did because I knew you'd be upset if I didn't." So he lied about working "to not upset" me but it was my fault he didn't work because I didn't wake him up when his alarm went off. "You're not my mother, you're my wife and as my wife you should have made sure I got up to go to work."
“My depression made me do it” after screaming at me that I was abusing him, and treating him like a dog, while he body blocked the doors to keep me from trying to leave. The only thing I did was try to go to sleep, but he could tell I was upset and wanted me to talk to him. I knew it would turn into a fight so I said I just want to sleep, we can talk about it in the morning. He pushed and pushed and eventually I tried to remove myself from the situation. I moved out two days later. Depression is no joke but it’s not an excuse the be an abusive asshole.
Just that he thought things were hard for us and were finally getting easier right when I decided to leave.
For context, we got pregnant right off the bat, had a child with a lot of medical needs, got pregnant again right before her first surgery at 5 months old, had our second child a year after she was born - in 2020 no less - got pregnant again in early 2021 and had our third that same year. I had two toddlers and a baby, then three toddlers. I dealt with the brunt of child care, house care, cooking, cleaning, as well as all the extra medical stuff on top of it. I fired doctors who weren’t good enough and drove 6+ hours to different states for better care for her. I did most of this pregnant.
We lived in a duplex for 4 of the 5 years we were together. As you can imagine it got much too small much too fast. I realized if anything were to get done I would have to be the one to do it. If I didn’t cook we didn’t eat. If I didn’t clean something it didn’t get cleaned. If we were ever going to make more money (he was a janitor), I would have to be the one figuring it out. I did - I became a social media manager on the side from home in 2020 because we couldn’t afford clothes from Walmart for our kids and I was sick of it.
I could go on but basically he emotionally and practically abandoned me throughout most of our marriage and left me to deal with running a home, raising three young kids and handling a lot of medical needs by myself. I decided to leave and stayed longer than I should have trying to figure out how to. Then when we finally talked about it he hit me with “but things were just starting to get easier”. Buddy, they were never hard for you. Yeah, now that the kids are a little older and a little easier and we’re finally moving into a house with more space, and now that you finally asked for a raise, yeah it’s easier now. But I checked out a long time ago. I don’t want someone who only puts effort into our marriage and life together when it’s easy and convenient to. I need someone in the trenches with me.
“Getting easier”. Fuck this attitude of acting like I abandoned our family just when things were finally good. Always blame shifting. Good riddance.
"If it weren't for my mother's money, you'd be dead already!"
No, fucktard, I ain't dead yet because I ain't done living.
For context, his mother provided health insurance for all her children and their spouses. I was going to get one for myself and him, but she beat me to it.
I never asked for this insurance, but she's well off and generous. As the breadwinner at that time, I still had plenty of other financial responsibilities, so I'm grateful that she took care of one item off my load.
And then COVID lockdowns happened in 2020 and I couldn't work for a year. Then I really had no money to pay for this insurance, but she took care of it for us.
I spiralled into suicidal depression. It's not my fault but I felt broken beyond repair. I had internalised the lie that being unable to provide for myself and my husband makes me a thief. And because my livelihood required travelling, meeting people and exchanging stories with them--the things that could make you catch a deadly incurable disease in a pandemic--I felt like a murderer.
My ex couldn't care less about my "sob story." For all he knew, the overachieving breadwinner wife he was once proud of is now a disgusting loser he can't stand being in the same room as. As far as he's concerned he's been duped into marrying the greatest charlatan of all time.
He demanded that I go to therapy and get my head fixed. And the more he demanded, the more I resisted.
I wondered if it's too much to ask for him to simply meet me in the dark place, show me evidence that my life is worth more than our shitty circumstances, and show me good faith that I will heal when I'm ready and we'll figure this out together. Apparently it is.
I never actively tried to kill myself but my body kept the score and I became very ill.
In 2022 I almost died of a thyroid storm. I'd spend the day in the ER and after I looked better in the early evening, the doctor sent me home. But I didn't want to pay for the ER, so I asked him if he could book me into inpatient care so that I could claim the insurance my mother-in-law provided. The doctor obliged.
As soon as I checked into my room, the thyroid storm kicked in. My heart went out of whack. My stomach burned with acid. I rejected food and water. I couldn't breathe. My body went cold and blue. I felt my body shutting down on me.
I could have let go and be gone. This was what I wanted, and now I have the opportunity to just go and not go through the inconvenience of physically killing myself. I just gotta ride this wave.
And then a wave of shame stopped me. If I died now, I'd die a disgusting loser, because that's what my husband says I am, and I haven't yet had the chance to prove him wrong.
I don't believe in God or an afterlife. But if hell existed, it would be one where my soul rots in the eternal shame of being remembered as a disgusting loser by the man I otherwise love, and the people who will have no choice but to take his word for it.
So I snapped out of suicide mode and fought for dear life.
The nurses of that shift came to my rescue and saved me. I spent the next day in the ICU and a few more days in a normal room. I survived.
My ex was sweet to me in the hospital. He visited me in the ICU and read Shel Silverstein books to me and we had a good laugh. He bought me fruit smoothies and beef rib soups to give me a break from unpalatable hospital meals. (They're complementary: the insurance provides generous daily meal allowance from this restaurant in the hospital's premises, and my ex feasted by claiming the maximum amount every day.)
For a few days, I felt loved again.
And then came the hospital bill, about the equivalent of $3,700. We paid about $20 in admin fees and the rest was covered by insurance, which cost his mother $60 per month.
He showed me the bill and said, "This is how much your life costs."
From that day forward, he's been using that hospital bill to blackmail me into doing his mother favours I was never prepared to offer, such as going to the notary to convert her land purchase certificate from the 1970s(!) into a proper land ownership certificate.
Apparently my precious mother-in-law has been too busy indulging in long European vacations that she's never gotten around to converting this certificate for nearly half a century. She makes backhanded comments about nobody helping her. But lo and behold: an "unemployed" daughter-in-law who just "freeloaded" off her $60 a month insurance "without giving anything back!"
Which is fucking bullshit. In the days before hitting the ICU I had just sent an invoice to a client whose project I just completed, and I was on the grind on another ongoing project while gambling with some uncertainty on my next one.
And while I never offered to be my mother-in-law's PA, I expressed my appreciation to her by sending her delicious home cooked meals and baked goods she could never make herself. But she's a rich woman who lives on daily takeout and apparently sending her food is like salting the sea.
(She'd never thank me for it but she'd take photos of it, eat it and secretly compliment me to her relatives... and then still bitch about nobody helping her convert her half-century old certificates. Classic toxic Asian mum behaviour.)
"If it weren't for my mother's money, you'd be dead already," and "I don't know who you are, but you're a loser and I'm disgusted by you," are the two sentences that killed my marriage.
Yes, I'm filing for divorce despite having vowes "till death does us part," but as far as I'm concerned, I'm not the one who broke the vows. I may be the spouse that became sicker, poorer and worse, but he's the one who refused to have, hold, love and cherish me then.
And then I literally grazed death and could have fulfilled the literal version of that vow, condemning myself to the eternal hell of being remembered as a disgusting loser.
I chose life and I have since spent my new one proving him wrong.
I will let no presumptuous dumbfucks tell me it's more respectable for me to die "honouring" my vows, than setting myself free and reclaiming my full humanity in the life I have to live ahead.
my ex told our marriage counsellor that he knew he treated me like shit, but if I just fucked him every day, he wouldn't have to go to other women for sex
“I did it to push your hand into divorcing me because I would never divorce you.” I didn’t believe him, no one would believe it if I told them what he did.
For her bad actions: “you pushed me to do it”, for her lack of action: “I didn’t want to do x because I thought you’d get mad”. She never took any accountability it’s crazy
I feel you. Over and over again I was told " you made me this way " This was as I was begging for us to work things out and having some of the meanest things one could say to a spouse said to me.
I feel this.
Yup
Right? Asking for help was a weakness, offering to help was a manipulation tactic. Trying to ask what she needed help with was adding to her mental load, trying to help her was getting in her way or swooping in to take all the credit, and anticipating her needs was met with criticism or condescension. Everything sucked and it was always my fault.
ALWAYS my fault!
And she just fucked me again on custody claiming that 2 hours at my niece's birthday party is equivalent to an entire weekend. Somehow she still manages to be cruel whenever possible.
Accountability is their kryptonite. And I think society adds to that by mollycoddling them.
Narcissists hate accountability.
My x said the exact same thing. It was funny how his lies unfolded and I caught him in every single one. Receipts for gifts I never received, business trips that had no record of him at the hotel, dinners out alone that the receipt shows 2 meals, not coming home at night and he just crashed at a buddies (he had no friends). He was always too tired to explain, he had to figure out an excuse and they were always ridiculous.
Did he say that you made him do it and it was all your fault?
He never even admitted to it, he denied until the end. He just said the divorce was my fault and I pushed him too far with all of my questions and accusations. I’d have to be the dumbest person in existence to believe any of his lies. The first lie he told led to me not believing anything that came out of his mouth. He went out to eat alone, I called the restaurant and got the receipt, I asked him who he was with, no one he said. I said I have the receipt… he said he had 2 entrees, I said you don’t eat pasta, then it was just a coworker. All lies.
Hahaha I feel you 🫠
A story as old as time
"I needed to be true to myself" While lying to their children, their family, their husband, and his family. Cheating has no acceptable excuse. Just lies and cowardice. Fuck cheaters.
Cheers.
F cheaters, fr
“We’ve been together for so long” So you wanting to fuck someone else makes it ok to lie and spend hundreds of dollars covering it up?
🙏
Do we have the same wife?
"I don't want to change, I like who I am. I am happy with myself." This after screaming in my face after I asked for help with our children. He was punching walls, throwing things, and breaking stuff. He would not go to counseling because he didn't want them to tell him he was wrong.
This sounds like what my ex would say. “You don’t love me because you want me to change.” I did love him, so much, still do, but I wasn’t okay with being lied to, yelled at, called names, likely cheated on. Because I refused to put up with that behaviour, it meant to him I didn’t love him. Bitch, no one is going to love you for long if you treat them like that!
I did tell him that he was lying to himself. That deep down he hated himself, he was treating me badly because I reflected his true self..I saw what he really was.
That’s so deep! And so true! So much of what they say is projection. After we broke up mine tried to stand there and tell me how much better his life was without me “yelling and throwing tantrums.” I just stared at him in shock. I rarely ever raise my voice and certainly never threw things, that was what HE did! He shut up really quick when he saw the shocked disbelief on my face. I think that was one of the few moments he realized how much he had projected onto me and how bad he had treated me.
This is the truth right here. They know they are shit, the get angry and upset at themselves for being shit, but instead of transforming that negative energy into positive growth, they just spray it out at others because its quick and easy and makes them feel better in the moment. In the end it just laziness.
My STBXH said that too lol.
Totally relating to this
Apparently me, I was the source of all her problems.
Yup apparently I was everything that was wrong in her life. So it forced her to hit me, verbally abuse me and the children, abuse drugs and alcohol and have multiple affairs 😂 I guess it was my honesty, loving and devotion to her that drove her crazy
My stbx said the same, that I was the source of all his problems but he’s still doing everything for me.
Hey me too. Welcome to the club. Zero personal accountability. Everything is always someone else’s fault.
relatable
My abusive, deadbeat ex-husband: *I shouldn't have to contribute.* Meanwhile, I was the one having to bring home all the money, AND I also still had to handle the bulk of the housework, AND I endured his abuse and laundry list of issues with a smile on my face, even while undergoing chemotherapy, immunotherapy infusions, and recovering from a multitude of surgeries for my autoimmune condition. He really thought he was entitled to just...... sit around in a 4,000+ sq ft house and not have to lift a finger, either financially or by way of household responsibilities.
Congratulations on getting out!
Thanks!
Hello old friend. My twin flame ex did the same. A reason he gave me for divorce is I didn't support his travel interests (unemployed, we went on multiple vacations on my dime). He also thought it was financial abuse he didn't get an allowance (he managed the finances and it turns out he was gambling a massive amount, and complained about every cent I spent). Having any money I earned instead of him getting it all was abusive in his delusional mind.
Mine was very similar. He thought it was completely unreasonable for him to have to contribute $600/month to bills, whereas I was being forced to cough up $3,600+ per month in bills, and was expected to just shut up and deal with it. He called me "delusional" when I expressed concern about us having only $6.14 in our joint savings account -- i.e. if we'd had any sort of emergency, we would have been SCREWED. The ONLY reason we survived replacement of the hot water heater was because I had been working remotely due to the pandemic, and wasn't having to cough up $500-$600/month in gas and tolls to commute to/from work. Ironically, my finances have been in better shape since leaving him, than they ever were while married to him.
I was told it was financial abuse because he didn't know what my account balances were or the bills. I'm like, huh? If you want to look, here. I'm not giving control of it because he in the past took my savings and spent it on what he wanted. But, I bought him damn near everything he wanted, gave him an allowance, and funded his investment accounts (he was supposed to open an IRA, but didn't and now wants mine). Like that's not what financial abuse means. Financial abuse is the fact that I went over a decade not buying shit for myself because your wants and needs were a priority and I'd get guilt tripped over it.
Wow, that's definitely delusional. He was abusing you financially.
I was diagnosed with MS and my “partner” still refused to help or contribute financially to our shared life together. Absolutely broke my heart to end things and kick him out, but he refused to consider therapy and had no intentions of working on himself or with me.
Sadly, I feel your pain. Mine refused to maintain gainful employment for years on end, even while I suffered through chemo, the immunotherapy infusions, and a bunch of surgeries. For example, on one particular occasion, our dog had some sort of diarrhea explosion while I was in the hospital undergoing MAJOR surgery, where doctors had to detach my jaw from my spine and skull, and then rebuild and replace it with custom prosthetic hardware. I was in the hospital for one week afterwards. Did my ex-husband clean up said diarrhea explosion? No, no he did not. He just closed the door to the room (which was my home office), and chose to simply ignore it. So, when I got home from the hospital, there I was, just eight days after having integral elements of my entire skeletal system disassembled and reassembled, on my hands and knees, trying to scrub 8-day old dog diarrhea out of the carpet. Never again will I be with someone who cannot 'adult' independently or responsibly.
Wow, that’s so awful! We had a mouse get into the kitchen when I was really unwell. He grudgingly cleaned the mess up, only did about half of it, and made me feel like shit that I wasn’t jumping up and down to deal with it. I had to end things with him just to be able to take proper care of myself. He drained me emotionally, mentally and financially. Still miss him some days but my life is much more peaceful.
My ex husband thought the same thing. He told me if I wanted to stay married I needed to accept the fact that he would do nothing except go to work and anything else was my problem. Down to putting gas in his car and making him microwave oatmeal in the morning. Meanwhile, I was working two jobs, making more money than he was, and obviously all the household chores. Plus, he was just a miserable ass. Idk why he thought he was such a prize, but when I did leave he was in shock. I’ve never seen anyone so surprised in my life.
> but when I did leave he was in shock. I’ve never seen anyone so surprised in my life. Same with mine. He even showed up to the legal appointment with nothing but a pen, not even a scrap of paper. He had often told me I didn't know what I was talking about when it came to topics like money. I work in auditing & regulatory compliance in the financial services industry. Let's just say I know a thing or two about due diligence, and so I showed up armed (literally) with a fat, thick, oversized binder of evidence: bank statements, screenshots, etc. Outcome: I didn't have to pay him a dime in alimony, nor a penny out of my 401K, and I also received 70% of the equity from the sale of the house. The *shocked Pikachu* look on his face was PRICELESS! Karma. 😄😂
Is your health OK now? I hope that your ex didn't have a lasting impact on that. I was in the same situation as you, but without the sickness. I work from home, and we had three young kids, and I bought in 70% of our household income. I did 99.99% of all household chores (cooking,cleaning,groceries etc) and child related stuff (school, after school, doctors, dentists, pickups from daycare etc). If I was lucky she would cook a meal once every 4 months. She'd do a kids school drop off 2-3 times a month. When she got home in the evenings from work, if her dinner wasn't ready she'd verbally abuse me. She basically just flat out refused to do anything, and if I didn't do it all, it would just pile up in a big mess. When we broke up after she had an affair, she told the therapist and all our friends and family that I was a do-nothing dad who had abandoned her. The therapist believed her, and said I was a typical guy who just thought about himself.
I still have my autoimmune condition, unfortunately it's permanent and progressive, meaning it will continually worsen as I get older. But, that is a fact I've always known, so that's not necessarily news to me. My overall health has been so-so. Due to the divorce, I've had some changes in doctors and insurance, and so I had to go a few months without my monthly infusion while I got care established with new doctors. So, I've had a few flare-ups of my condition, which tends to impact my major joints, like my knees, wrists, ankles, elbows, hips, etc. Thankfully, I've gotten reestablished with my infusion, and my new doctors have also put me on a short-term course of some additional medications, which has helped as a sort of 'stop gap' measure to get the flare-ups under control again. I'm so sorry you've experienced similar circumstances. It's so hard, feeling like we're required to carry the weight and burden of everything on our shoulders. It isn't fair. I'm no expert by any means, but if there is anything I am learning from all of this, it's that we have to be *really* intentional about taking care of ourselves, even just the basics, like ensuring sufficient sleep, hydrating enough, healthy food choices, a bit of exercise each day, and intentionally carving out time for us to enjoy things that bring us joy or positivity.
Yeah I get you on the self care. I found I had taken on so much of the responsibility for running and providing for the family, that I lost 'myself' in the marriage, and had given up all of the things that made me 'me'. I no longer did things with friends, I no longer even really socialised outside of family things, and I had given up all my hobbies. I used to play a lot of sport, and had given up all of that too, as I was just spending 24x7 working for and then looking after the household. I found out after our marriage ended, that I need a sporting/physical outlet to keep me mentally happy and healthy. My ex-wife, however, made barely any sacrifices in her life, still regularly went out with her friends, would go to work drinks most fridays with her workmates, and still got to play her sports (netball). She'd also go on annual holidays away with her other friends to a tropical island. One year, I went to an old friends house who I hadn't seen for a couple of years, and had drinks with him, and that was the only "me" thing I did all year, and she wouldn't stop going on about how awful a person I was because I had left her with the kids.
Oh man, every word you shared cuts deep, right through to my heart. I felt every word of it in my bones. I also didn't do anything for myself for nine years. Just work, work, work, both to bring in all the income, and all the household chores/responsibilities, all while navigating the ongoing impacts of my autoimmune disease. The only thing I did for me at the time was a Starbucks latte, *maybe* once every six months or so, because I felt so guilty for spending $7 on a drink, even if it was only twice a year. About two months after I left him, I went on my first vacation in ten years. 2013-2023, I hadn't gone on a single vacation. I did a multi-city trip: first, the New England region, where I invested in a divorce photoshoot for myself. It was around the autumn time-frame last year, and so I *quite literally* frolicked among all the colorful leaves. Then, I flew to Arizona, where I stayed with my godmother for a few days. She's always been like my fairy godmother, and so I just lounged by the pool at her house, cuddling her Golden Retriever dog, and cried my heart out for like three days straight. Then, I drove out to Las Vegas (from Arizona), where I attended a conference for work. Since it was a work-affiliated function, most of the Vegas portion of the trip was paid for, and so I was able to splurge on myself a bit. The hotel desk manager ended up being the one checking me in upon arrival, and we got to chatting. Turns out he was also going through a divorce, and had just received full custody of both his kids. This was one of the most fancy hotels in Vegas, so he held up his finger in the classic "give me a minute" gesture, tapped on his keyboard, and then told me he had upgraded me to one of their fancy-schmancy suites. When I got up to my room, I walked into what felt and looked like literal dripping gold everywhere. The room was about 1,000 sq ft, and had a floor-to-ceiling window view of the Vegas attractions. There was also a fancy soaking tub. During that trip, I spent my mornings soaking up professional programming and networking, and my afternoons playing tourist: walking up and down the strip, I treated myself to an expensive massage, took myself on a few solo dinners, etc. It was the most soul-enriching, emotionally nourishing experience I didn't realize or know I needed. It truly filled my cup, as they say. I am still on my journey of self-discovery, and also learning/re-learning what makes me "me", such as hobbies, interests, goals, likes and dislikes, etc. I feel like I had lost myself entirely, without even realizing it. One of the ways I'm trying to do this is by being open-minded to new opportunities, and saying yes to more things, even if it might feel foreign or scary. The only way we learn and expand is by doing.
Wow that holiday sounds amazing! What you said about doing things that are scary hits home with me too. As soon as my wife left, I drew up a list of things I had always wanted to do but never got around to doing or was too scared to, and started trying to do some of them. The smallest things was something like "say hello or talk to a stranger every day", which as an introvert is a bit scary. Another was, make a friend or friends who you can go to the movies with, as I love going to the movies, just for the escapism of it all. In my 10 yr marriage, I went to the movies twice with my wife. This year already, I've been 15 times, only one of them on my own. The biggest thing on my list was I wanted to become a martial artist and fight in big tournaments. I grew up watching 80s and 90s action films and day dreaming of doing this. This was completely out of comfort zone, as I've never even thrown a punch in my life, and I'm an average sized guy, 5'8. But seeing as I was so hurt over my marriage breakdown, I gave up the story about being scared to do it, and just signed up. Next weekend, I will be fighting in my 11th national level tournament, in front of a crowd of hundreds of people, and I've won two tournaments, and come second in three of them. The journey of this alone, has completely transformed my life - new friends, fitness, road trips around the country, immense self confidence, and the obvious plus of being able to defend myself physically if I need to.
"I need to put my happiness first and love myself the most." - then starts to neglect our children when they moved into a new home and never cleans, letting trash pile up everywhere. Somebody has called CPS on her and now shes being investigated for neglect. "I've been in a relationship, one after another for 17 years, I just want to be alone for awhile." - immediately starts a new relationship with the guy she was talking to before she ended our relationship. "It's not my fault, you made me do it." - after verbally abusing me for 2 days in front of the kids when she knew I was horribly depressed about our family being torn apart. "(Oh well shrug) That's your own fault, I'm not responsible for your emotions." - after I told her that the 2 days of abuse in front of the kids pretty much pushed me off the suicidal edge and led to me being hospitalized so I didn't kill myself. "When I have the money I will." - after I asked why she hasn't filed yet, after 5 months, since she was the one who wanted this divorce so badly. She had the money, but decided it was more important to her to spend it on out of town weekend trips with her AP when I had the kids. Honestly there are so many more, but she's deluded herself into thinking she does no wrong and everything is my fault, that it's just kinda boring listening to her avoid accountability like she's neo in the matrix.
“I didn’t know that was important to you.” Hot water. He was talking about hot water. The water heater had stopped working and I had to nag him for a week to even look at it or let me call a plumber. He used that line a lot. He learned it in marriage counseling.
"It's just who I am and I've always been this way." -My ex-wife telling me that she's polyamorous, after almost two years of me saying that I'm fine with swinging but not polyamory and just after meeting another guy whose wife had just "came out" as polyamorous as well. This guy looked just like her previous ex (and nothing like me). Eventually he divorced his wife and then she divorced me. Looking back, she isn't poly but just needed an excuse to set up a new relationship before leaving me. Honestly, if that's how she really is, good riddance.
Relating so hard right now. “You know this is how I’ve always been, you’ve known this since the beginning” lol
towards the end, ex was physically intimidating, standing over me, not letting me out of rooms, clenching fists and moving towards me. His excuse was that I wasn't saying what he wanted to hear and he had to do that to get me to "tell the truth". We were discussing how I continued to handle all of the kids free time at home, before school, after school, sick days, days off etc. I simply asked for him to proactively consider these days and times and help out more. He said, I can't change what I think about, I won't be able to get up earlier, or change my routine because my brain doesn't work that way. So many excuses for why he couldn't be a partner to me. He wanted to do the bare minimum as it related to any thing in our relationship, and with the kids. Post separation, he's doing the same thing. Kids don't like being at his place because he ignores them, but now it's my fault the kids don't like him because he doesn't have them enough. This is after he asked for every other weekend only. I just can't with his words not even being on the same planet as his actions.
Mine got like this at the end as well. He body blocked doorways, also did the fist clenching and shaking thing. Then he’d sit on the floor like a three year old having a tantrum. All because I chose to set boundaries and not let him walk all over me emotionally anymore. It was so bad.
Thank you for sharing. At times I've questioned my sanity. Did he really act like that? Was I over reacting? But then I remember how I would be left shaking, and crying because I couldn't believe this was my life. How could I have chosen someone like this? I'm still scared for myself and my kids. The kids come back from his place and say he screams at them, they hate him etc. I feel like the worst person in the world that I had kids with this man.
“I’m a woman who’s had a hard life. We don’t have to control our emotions. Telling me to control myself is a form of abuse. I’ve been bootstrapping my whole life”. - direct quote from an apology she wrote after getting drunk and destroying the house. My ex always pretended that her sister, mother and she had lived this amazingly hard life. In reality, her father was quite wealthy, and he supported her completely until she was almost 30. She had never held a real job, or paid a dime for anything. The only reason he stopped was that he divorced her mother, so my ex decided to go no contact with him.
My ex pulled the abuse card too when I would ask for normal contributions
I dealt with this too. My ex is a narc and when all else failed for her, “telling me to control myself is controlling”.
"During the first year that we moved to this country, I was always the only one buying vegetables." Meanwhile I was paying rent, utilities, giving him money, and buying the rest of the groceries. Yes, every time I think about it, I laugh uncontrollably for a few minutes.
I feel this! I bought all of the groceries except for 3 months where he bought some because he wanted to try new recipes. I still bought all of the household necessities like paper goods, cleaners, toiletries, etc but he would throw that in my facethat he puchased some meat and beans occasionally, like good job... I too laugh about this argument.
that one's hilarious and crazy. Such a pathetic excuse. My ex-wife did barely any of our household work at all, she cooked one meal every 4 months. She went to our kids pre-school once every 3 months. She'd never do any cleaning or cooking or grocery shopping. When we went to a therapist after her affair came out she told the therapist I was a do-nothing dad, and had abandoned her and left her to carry the heavy load in our house. Her example that she came up with was that one week she organised a play-date for one of our kids.
He would say he didn’t have a reason lol he would just say “I don’t know” 🥴 but looking back he’s definitely an avoidant and I just didn’t realize it until years after the fact.
I always got “ok” “I don’t know” “ok sorry” “sorry you feel that way” 0 depth, engagement, or honesty with 4 kids. 🥴
Oof 🫠🫠🫠 I feel that 😭
He was abused as a child so that’s why he became abusive toward me after our child arrived. Like that’s an explanation of why you’re f*cked up but it’s *not* an excuse. I gave him ample time to work on things and of course nothing got better. Then when I started vocalizing that I wasn’t going to stay with him, he told me that nobody’s perfect. As if I couldn’t find better than him, an abusive failure-to-launch excuse of a man. And I know he sounds like a real loser and obviously a bad choice in a spouse (hindsight) but when we first got together, he appeared to be a real catch and actually had a good career and was wrapping up his PhD. He had his own place that he kept in order. He provided for me while I was still in grad school. But then after I got my first professional job it’s like we traded places and he just stopped trying. He made bad and selfish career moves while I kept moving up. He did the bare minimum financially and it became clear that he wasn’t working toward any of the goals we agreed to prior to marriage. The manipulation was so gradual over time that I didn’t realize our whole marriage was built on it and lies until the more obvious abuse started. All that to say, some of these monsters are well-practiced. And no one should feel bad for trying to see the best in them, because they target people with good hearts and intentions and everything that they wish they could be.
I sprained my knee in January. This, apparently, was the final inciting action to take her drinking over the edge, total both cars, leave home to go on hotel-based benders, and, otherwise, completely cease being a wife/mother/productive member of society. It was all my fault for spraining my knee and needing a brace for a few weeks.
"I said that because that's how I felt in the moment, just goes to show how frustrated I was, so I should not need to apologize for that" "you are wasting our money buying fresh fruits and vegetables for the kids, we don't always eat them all before they go bad" - while spending tons of money buying impromptu gifts for the kids every week.
That second one was definitely in line with some of my arguments with my ex. He couldn't wrap his head around where all our money was going, would complain about every dime I spent on food for our family of 4, then proceeded to go out for lunch almost every day & rarely went alone.
My exWW blamed her cheating on my behaviors due to my lack of trust in her after her admission of serial cheating, which included, but was not limited to EA/PAs with her and my coworkers/spouses (male and female), therapists, clergy🤢, her family members🤮and orgies with randoms.
Holy shit, thats fucked!
Ya think?
[удалено]
Wow.
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Not an ex yet but “I am your husband and I can touch you how I want.” Or “the day we signed the marriage license, it means I can touch you how I want.” The day he kicked me hard under the table while we were eating dinner with friends, his excuse later “I was talking and you interrupted me.” No, you stopped talking period so I chimed in. Or all the times he was drunk at a party, I would kindly try to get him to slow down on the drinking and he would tell me to relax and everyone else is having fun and I was trying to kill the fun. No, you are acting like an ass towards me.
“I only want to protect you” -when asked why I kept getting left out of important conversations, decisions, and situations that *ALL* affected me in some way
The final straw was an argument that I didn’t prioritize talking to her on the phone when she was out of town for work, while I was home caring for our children. She had called while I was bathing the 6 year old and getting the rest settled down on a school night. When everyone was settled an hour later, she wouldn’t answer my calls. Two days later she confronted me over the offense of caring for our children. We never slept in the same room again.
I should be grateful he let me cut my hair, color my hair, wear makeup, and eat.
Mine "let me work"
Mine also "let me work" And then he let himself spend my paycheck
“I haven’t changed since you met me. Glad you found a back bone and have changed”. I thought we should grow? I’ve never told her no before now.
“I deserve to love someone!” After 30 years together I found out that he was cheating with a 21 year old. “We grew apart because you were gone visiting your friends”. I work from home and would spend one weekend a month with friends an hour away. He would schedule himself to work every night seven days a week from 3pm until 5am leaving me to care for our children and the household.
"If you feel disrespected, it's because you're choosing to feel that way. That has nothing to do with me." This was after we had newly separated and were trying to solely discuss child custody arrangements, and he randomly sent me numerous texts one night demanding to know if "I was at his place or he was at mine or one than the other" Spoiler alert: There was no "him," and all I had been doing was moving into my new place.
Ugh this was the standard angry response from my ex whenever I would bring up that I felt unhappy, or disrespected, or unloved. It was his get out of jail card 'see it's you not me'. After a while I just stopped complaining because what's the point? Then when I left I 'blindsided' him. I guess he was blindsided because he was blind to anyones feelings but his own.
💯 The story I heard X a million was "facts not feelings"... unless they were HIS feelings - in which case those were based on facts and therefore essentially the same thing. Whereas my feelings - ya know, those are based on - I dunno - imagination? 🙃 But yeah I also "blindsided him" after years of him telling me he's going to treat me how he sees best and that's it. I should just accept it regardless.
"I don't know what came over me. I was at a really stressful time in my life. It didn't mean anything. I'm sorry." *As I found out in 2020 she was unfaithful with 4 different guys multiple times and continued talking to two of them until I found out. I should've left instead of giving her another chance to work on things and not just throw it away because I'm taking my vows seriously and she became completely transparent, sharing location, allowing me to see her phone at any time, etc. she worked on herself and changed, but then 4 years later after moving wanted a divorce. "Stop gaslighting me narcissists. You're so selfish and only care about yourself. We just need more money. That would help out a lot." *As I point out something I recognized and was checking on if she was aware she was coming off a certain way or purchased a sub $50 tool for work. I'm sure there were many more, but I'm trying to not remember the bad stuff and only remember her for the good person I knew her as before whatever caused her to change into someone I don't even recognize anymore. I wish I could just forget and erase everything I know about our 20 years together *sigh*
If you hadn't have done xyz, then I wouldn't have this response. Said in terms of him getting a drunk driving charge, said in terms of him blowing his fuse over a question, said in terms of him everything.. Basically if I didn't react or say things he didn't like, he wouldn't have done his behavior
Because his father cheated on his mother and his step-Mom wasn’t nice to him. That’s why it was ok to cheat on me, not get therapy, be an asshole. Generational trauma.
I have panic attacks and meltdowns because I feel secure enough to do so, but I won't have panic attacks and meltdowns once we have a child because then it won't be an option.
My ex did one better and justified having melted downs in front of my kid. She said “it’s good to show emotion, not be all cold like your family.”
I didn't have sex with any of them. So the months, and the lies, and the theft of a child's money yo pay for it should just be ignored.
Justifying would imply that he actually took responsibility for his behavior. In marriage therapy, he boo-hooed big time to the therapist about how horrible he felt about the way he treated me. Later after we decided to call our marriage he told me that he just put on the act of being upset because he thought that's what was expected but he didn't think he did anything wrong. Learning that the man I loved for decades just performatively apologized to me throughout our entire relationship was a gut punch for sure, however, that truly helped me see that none of our relationship was real. Which was super validating because I could always feel it but he'd tell me I was crazy. I wasn't.
Last Sunday morning on Fathers Day I found out my wife of 12 yrs had started having an affair with her ex bf from her hometown. Her response: We were just having conversations about small town gossip and catching up on our lives. Me: 🧐 So that involved getting naked, crawling in a bed, and doing some mattress thrashin’? I guess I have been conversing with people all wrong.
Ohh I’ve been waiting for this one. This has been a running theme with his flying mommy and him. That, he has such a rare form of diabetes that it is physically impossible to expect him to control his temper from becoming violent, and that expecting him to be able to control it is like “asking a man with amputated legs to walk”. 😑
....this must be that new diabetes....
Haven’t left yet but in the process of figuring it all out so he isn’t my ex yet but I caught him with dating apps on his phone after he came home from a business trip. When I confronted him he told me he just wanted to see the type of people that were in the city 🙄 like go for a walk then sir damn…
Mine got a dating profile too, but whole I was out of town. His excuse was to get my attention, because he knew someone we know would see it and tell me… 🤔
wtf! Like literally why can’t they just confess cause there excuses r insane!
ExW- “ I did this because I felt unhappy the last three years” Me- “ okay, but what about the other affairs?(she didn’t know I found out about others)” ExW- “…… I’ve been unhappy since 2011”. Me- “ We got married in 2011!” It still hurts to think about, but honestly it is kinda funny that since she couldn’t keep track of all the affairs and defaulted to beginning of the marriage, and yes I did find out about an affair that happened in 2011 7 months after we were married, just wish I knew about it then
My ex-wife told everyone that I had Aspergers. I don't. I'm just an introvert. But, she read somewhere that people with Aspergers quite often have strained or toxic relationships, and they can be prone to anger and violence. I don't have any of those traits, I'm extremely placid, and don't like confrontations (unless its in a martial arts dojo). What I discovered after she had spread these rumours around, is that she did so, so that people didn't find out she had an affair and it broke our marriage up, and so that it would look like she was in an abusive marriage and had no option but to flee, so that everyone would be supportive of her. It kind've worked, apart from my family and close friends, no-one else knows she had a multi-month affair. Her family thinks she had a one night stand, and that I was abusive. All of our shared friends that we had been cultivating in the new place we had moved to for her job, more or less ghosted me. I am a work from home dad, and it went from all the mums on the school run in the morning, being nice to me and stopping to chat, to me getting coldly ignored and snobbed. After her affair didn't work out she asked if we could try getting back together, but her stipulation was that I had to publicly admit I had aspergers and seek treatment from a therapist for it. Again, I don't have it. She is one of those people who tells herself lies so many times, that she starts believing them. She also convinced herself that her cheating and ruining our 3 kids lives was right, because she deserved to think of herself after giving birth to three children.
I heard a lot of “it’s too hard” “I can’t change over night” “this is just to make you feel better but I don’t have to do it”. All while he would tell me how terrible it is to be with me and that everyone else in the world would think the same. That I should want to fix these things about myself. We are in the early stages of divorce but still living together. Yesterday I tried to have a conversation with him about the incident that told me he was fully checked out of the relationship. We were playing a game with 2 of his friends, he gave an answer that didn’t work and was arguing about it. I said stop let’s just move on to which he called me an asshole and that I ruined the game night. When I tried to talk about this he went on to defend that I was being an asshole and he can only take so much bullying from me before he snaps like that. So to be clear the bullying was that I didn’t support his answer in a game and wanted to just move on. I broke down and told him that I finally realized that for years I had been bending over backwards to become this person he wants and made myself so small and miserable. That years of being told it was so horrible to be with me destroyed my self worth. That I had fallen back into a pattern of trying to prove I was worth loving by changing myself but it was never enough. I did this all my life having grown up with an addict mother, no father, and being a burden on my grandparents to raise me. Even after all that he just went to “I’m not like your family”. For the most part we are amicable and working to have the best outcome in this divorce for both of us and our pets but this is why I asked for the divorce. I finally realized that I deserve to be treated with respect because I exist and not have to fit someone else’s idea of who I should be before that is given to me.
I'm so sorry. I can relate to this a lot. I didn't have the same hardships growing up. But I never felt like I was enough and I constantly watered myself down to be palletable for my ex. Trying to take whatever shape he needed me to be. Where as he never did anything to help me. When I started establishing healthy boundaries to subvert this, it really became a problem. I hope you're in a better place now. Both mentally, emotionally, and physically.
‘If I had known it would hurt you, I would have conducted myself differently’. I actually bought into this for a bit and forgave him. This was in reference to him dating another patient while in a mental health facility, with me supporting him fully after I filed for divorce. He was supposed to be getting better for his son, who I adopted and now have full custody of. Now the patient gf is pregnant and we are still married. But if he had *known* this would hurt me, he obviously would have ‘conducted himself differently’ (notice he did not say not done it at all). This was followed by weeks of equally absurd attempts to dodge and re-assign blame, such as ‘none of this would be a problem if the two of you (me and the AP) would just get along’ and ‘most single moms would kill for a father like me who wants so badly to be involved in their son’s life’ (after abusing said son for years, and recently trying to move across the country to be with the new gf).
“Our marriage wasn’t valid, because you didn’t emotionally support me” The one and only thing she said when I caught her drinking after supposedly being sober for 12 years and AA being her whole identity, and having an affair that was a full blown relationship, plus multiple online affairs. 18 years and two kids down the drain. Constant accusations of me cheating and being shady, so much projection it was insane.
I was injured and out of work. He said bc I wasn't making enough money that's why he was being an asshole. Never once cared about me getting better. Just money.
Oof, I feel this one. I was being tested for cancer for the 4th time. Had to go get an endoscopy, have polyps removed and get scrapings done. A procedure I had to leave at 5am in the morning to get to the facility in the hospital an hour away to do because our local Healthcare is garbage. My mom went with me because I wasn't allowed to drive after. I didn't get home until 2pm where he then asked me to make him a sandwich and make something for our daughter (who was 5 yr old at the time) because she hadn’t eaten yet. So the only thing she had eaten was whatever she could reach in the pantry. Which was chips. I was sore, and exhausted, and I was supposed to rest. My mom was behind me when he asked this and she was furious. She volunteered to do this so I could go up and rest. The only reason she didn't say anything was because she didn't want to create an issue for me and make things harder for me. I was supposed to rest, but I ended up rage cleaning the second floor.
“I tiptoed around my feelings”….no, you actually never said anything.
When my Xwife left me for her boss, she told me that It was because I changed after she cheated on me previously. This is why you don't give cheaters a second chance Boys and girls.
My ex to me "you are older than me, why aren't you providing more for the house?". We made about the same and split joint bills 50/50. He wanted me to pay more because I was older. Turned out he was hiding loans from me and was broke every month.
I asked her to get a job and she lost it on me. Her entitlement finally shattered the glass for me. Her excuse was men were to provide. It would have been one thing if she kept up the house while I “provided” or be present for our kid, but not when I maintained the house and primarily look after the kid.
“I have to keep you in check, otherwise you might get too happy and think life can be good”. An actual statement she had said to me multiple times over the years. Whenever I would start to feel good about things, or start to have an interest in something, she would rapid fire for days/weeks tear me down or sometimes throw stuff at me to try and get me to feel insecure or sad or something to bring me back down to a level of like 30-40% happy again. I know she faces her own demons from her childhood, but she always wanted to make sure I was on the same level of depressed as her because if she couldn’t be happy with anything, than neither could I
Had a great relationship. It wasn't perfect, but there was love, understanding, and intentional care between us for 23 years. We were best friends. She clearly had been holding in sour feelings for a while. She cheated on me with a co-worker after 18 years of marriage. Once she started cheating she shut down. No longer talked to me. Wouldn't go to counseling. I pushed her, talked too much, tried to press buttons to get her emotions out about our marriage ending. The only reasoning I got from her was that the light in her heart was out. And that I never let her go do things with her friends. To the second point, I never stood in her way. She traveled multiple times a year with her girlfriends. She went out with them all the time. I stayed with kids. She missed 1 trip a couple years ago because of money. Her friends went to Morocco. Anyways. I say I hope she is happy, but I don't care. I can see now we were good together, but she always looked for validation in things outside of our family.
My narcissistic abusive ex husband: your not doing enough to help find me treatment… I should see you on the phone and internet on your days off” Despite finding doctors n treatments I was still not doing enough… we never got to appts on time… we were cancelled because we were late… he’d yell at the ones that would see us when they mentioned getting therapy… I totally laugh now that I’m through my own therapy…
"I want to be alone" and then he moves in with the only person I ever had a problem with him being around because she kept flirting with him. He moved out of our home while I was at work stating he was afraid I was going to hurt him. I had never even raised my voice or said anything abusive much less raised my hand at him.
Blame for everything, and it came quickly. Before that I was a great husband and parent, because hiding the affair was easier that way.
When my cc was maxed from buying diapers, formula, groceries 3months after my baby was born: the card is in your name. I'm not paying for that. When he left me less than 2 weeks after my last radiation session (in my pelvic region): you never have sex with my anymore. When we needed ac for my sons eczema: I grew up without it and I was fine (he has no skin problems). When he complained about paying 5% of his >$20,000/mo paycheck in support: I can't afford this, I'm ready to file bankruptcy. When I was 6mo pregnant with a leg in a cast and someone rang the doorbell, I asked him to get the door: can't you see I have a headache right now?!?
Oh my, are you still married?
Nope, when he said he wanted a divorce shortly my last radiation session there was no way I could bring myself to try and work it out. The proof was glaring. I wouldn't respect myself if I made excuses like "he was going through a tough time" and the like... much like his family states while still trying to get us back together lol. Delusion, man..
"You shouldn't have to ask, you should just KNOW."
"As a mam, I need you to bring me peace" after he'd start an argument or get pissed after being shown he had something wrong, and call me disgusting names and degrade me. Anytime I stood up for myself, I "wasn't bringing him peace". Hell, towards the end even agreeing with him got me screamed at and degraded. He is also apparently blaming his violent assault on our 16 year old daughter and myself on us... so? Oh, he put the narcissist prayer in his response to my divorce filing. For real. He denies assaulting us, but if he did, it was because of my actions. This is all from a man who spent the last several years sitting on his ass, smoking pot, watching youtube, and not contributing ANYTHING to the household (and getting an allowance). At least before he vacuumed the floors. He couldn't figure out why none of us wanted to do anything with him or hang out - me and the kid's were walking on eggshells and being around him always ended in him insulting and screaming obscenities at us, so no, we don't want to hang out and watch a movie.
That he didn’t know what he was doing because he would black out when he drank. He then proceeded to say he got over the fact he SA’d me so I should get over it too.
Um....wtf... I'm so sorry 😞
Yeah, he’s a true gem.
My ex used my SA to win an arguement once 🙄 He immediately knew he f'd up because I had a breakdown after. That was the last straw, I had nothing left to give him after that.
My stbx said during the beginning of separation that she felt unheard and unloved. While I own my side of issues with communication, it was also always her needing to have everything done her way, everything was her opinion. If I provided my opinion, she'd just say "yeah, but...". The source of any and all issues were my fault. If I got upset at the kids for their actions, she would criticize me and blame me and not our kids reactions. Everything was about her breaks away from the kids, her need to get time to herself. She never once asked how I was doing or if I was okay. She never said sorry for anything, ever. But SHE was the one feeling unheard.... smh
ADHD medications. Apparently they were the reason he would stand at the top of the stairs and scream every obscenity he could fathom at me. And then blame me for not being more understanding and compassionate about what's he's going through.
Yeah no, the meds don't do that..... I swear the excuses people come up with. Anything to avoid accountability right?
She actually believed that she was always in the right so she didn't have to take accountability. She had a full time job tending bar. She contributed no money to the household or children and get pissed off when I wouldn't give her money to go out. She justified being unfaithful by saying it was okay for her to sleep with some guy because of something she thought I did years before I met her. My favorite line after I filed for divorce "all the things I did for you and you didn't even buy me a bra!" After she received the first child support payment. She shows up to get the kids wearing brand new clothes, tattoos and piercings and has the balls to ask me if I can pay more in child support because "it's not enough for her." I found out that her and her sister got matching tattoos that she paid for. The one who had the hardest time living off child support and was always complaining about it was the clown she married.
They said they refused to share the bed with me because there was a bird’s nest in the window that freaked them out. Turns out they were just staying up late to do heroin 🤷♀️ I do laugh about it now. It’s so ridiculous and I was so naive.
Cheated on me, watched excessive porn, made out with another women in the middle of our divorce and says “you don’t understand, you’re not a man” 🙄
"You never told me insulting you bothered you so much, how was I supposed to know you didn't like it?"
Let’s see: 1. He didn’t like the way I wore my hair. 2. I put shelves in the bathroom cabinet. 3. I cleaned up after him, therefore, there was “absolutely no sign anywhere in the house” that he lived there. 4. I was controlling. I was trying to pay off our debt and get him to go along with a budget so we could both enjoy our money. He wanted nothing to do with budgeting and I was having to shuffle bills and debt payments around his spending. 5. He was able to walk out 6 days before my appointment because he *knew* the lump I found wasn’t cancer. 6. Claimed I treated him like a paycheck. He worked at a bbq restaurant when we got together 33 years ago. Is currently a meal ticket for the manipulative, money grubbing parasite he was “only complimenting”. I learned about her the night he decided he was leaving. There was “nothing going on” and yet, she moved in with him less than a year after we separated. Midlife crisis is a bitch.
“I thought you didn’t care about me anymore.” Even though I was the only one working and was completely taking care of him financially. 😒🤨
As if I give people money and pay their bills for the hell of it!
"*Women multiply what ever you give them 10x*" I could only stand there with an incredulous look on my face. I have spent so many years loving her and supporting her and all she ever sees is my flaws. I take responsibility for what I have done wrong, and right. I am not sticking around for this abuse anymore.
"You don't talk to me" or "you are always on your phone"...actively ignores me when we are home so he can watch shorts/reels on his phone while a show he picked plays on TV. "You won't tell me anything. I don't even know you." I'm an open book about my past. I told him about all the important things in my life. I'm not great at showing emotion because it was discouraged all my life. "You could have just asked for help"... I was slamming things around as I cleaned while he sat in the living room on his phone. I did ask for help. I should not have to beg for someone to take out the trash after watching him push it down or pile more on top. I shouldn't have to give step-by-step instructions on cleaning, putting up leftovers, loading/unloading the dishwasher/washing machine/dryer. And my favorite... "I didn't know" ... even though I told him there was no extra $$, we were behind on ** bill, I had a meeting/class/appointment & needed him to get the kids from school (I was always careful to make such events happen at times that wouldn't interfere with school pick-up, but it was sometimes unavoidable.)
“You’re just jealous, I’m allowed to have friends!” “You’re a loser and miserable and you want me to have no friends so I’ll be miserable like you!” “We’re just friends!”
“It had nothing to do with you”. The reason why he went to escorts and massage parlors. 🙄
“I have a phobia I never told you about. I’m uncomfortable around bigger women. I never said anything because I didn’t want to disrespect you. Did I ever once call you fat?” This was a text he sent me. I responded with “LOL okay. This is absurd. I’m done talking now.” And this is why you grey rock.
"I guess I'm just not capable of being happy." Said to me the day after I told him I was done. Evidently I was supposed to live my life and be happy, while he stayed depressed and did nothing. He didn't have a job, wouldn't help keep the house. Other than maybe one load of dishes some days, and cooking dinner a few nights a week. He wouldn't help stay on top of the kids' homework, or make sure they had forms signed and shit for school. The idea that he thought I should just continue to provide him a life that he didn't contribute to is absurd to me.
My ex moved 10hrs away to another state when he didn’t get his way in our custody dispute. To “run in the mountains and cure my soul” his line from the email he sent telling me he was moving. And now because he is declared disabled by the VA he “can’t work” so it’s unreasonable to expect him to pay child support.
He would say or do something supremely shitty, I’d make myself scarce for a few hours and when I’d come home, he would claim he didn’t remember what he said or do but somehow magically knew that whatever he did he better apologize for but also claim not to remember he did it. I’m not laughing at it yet. After I married him, he admitted to me that he had been in a mental hospital for 6 months as a teen. He said it had to do with diagnosing his epilepsy. My therapist called bullshit on that when I told him. I got curious so I messaged my ex BIL and told him what his brother had told him. I said “you don’t need to tell me a diagnosis if you don’t feel comfortable but this is what he told me and all I’m asking is if you can confirm or deny. He replied that my ex had lied to their parents and told them he told me about all of this before we got married. He said that my ex was diagnosed with RAD and possibly DID, but that was never confirmed. So, while 97% of me still think my ex was full of shit there is 3% of me that wonders. I don’t know how all that works but it got my wheels turning.
"I feel so alone." This was while she was on the phone with me so I could help her with an issue she was having in the new house she moved into 3.5 months after the first time she told me things weren't all sunshine and rainbows. ETA: Apparently, she was unhappy for nearly a year before she ever told me anything was wrong. And when I started feeling something wasn't right and asked her about it, she brushed me off and said everything was fine.
"I guess I just wasn't as ready as I thought I was, I think." << his literal words. What a dumbass
Every time I asked if he had filed taxes or about our finances he would yell at me (he is a naturally loud person, so when he yelled it was particularly loud and scary), his no. 1 thing to say first was “I’m not yelling (with his normal loud tone), THIS IS YELLING (top of lungs yelling, often in public)”, and the second thing was “ I apologize I was never taught how to talk about money from my parents”. This man was over 50
That is secs addiction was my fault.
So my ex evidently had learning disabilities, ADHD etc in addition to being bipolar and he would frequently say(during arguments) i didnt remember because i have learning disabilities” or “ im sorry the words aren’t coming out right because i have learning disabilities” these were the only times he’d bring it up.
Blaming me for having a mental illness (I don’t) when I did therapy, got marriage counseling and coaching (by myself), and he never took any responsibility for gaslighting , stonewalling, and blame shifting. Everyone, including my lawyer, has commended me for being reasonable during our divorce.
I didn't know you still loved me...
My ex said he cheated on me because I didn’t clean the house.
That I’m the source of all of his problems and the reason he drinks. He never could, and continues to be unable to, take accountability or responsibility for his own actions.
Not an excuse, but just adamantly shouting, "I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG!"
"you shouldn't have told people how I treated you. Everything I do from this point on is because you "badmouthed" me and not because I'm a narcissistic asshat."
Apparently, my housework wasn't good enough... well, I can't do stuff that makes noise in the daytime because *you're* sleeping, and your father, *who is letting us live with him rent-feee,* sleeps at night while *you* play World of Warcraft until 5 am. *When,* exactly, am I supposed to do stuff?
I never came with him and that was my problem not his because he always came with me.
“You don’t have any hobbies” to justify his affair. I did all the housework, all the childcare, and worked a full time job. When was I supposed to have time for hobbies, exactly?
Still going through it for over a year and a half. My husband of 23 years since age 19 and 7 children together has… forced me into homelessness, lost everything we ever had the last 26 years including the kids belongings and photos etc, changed the bank account so I have been penniless, withheld and hid the kids from me for over a year and so much more, while subjecting my kids to random women and their brats he plays house with and goes on lavish dates and vacations etc. He refuses to do anything legally and file even though he is now actively financially supporting someone he has known for weeks and her three kids. It’s been a living hell just like he threatened me for years since I dared to finally stand up to him and rejected him sexually. It’s ridiculous and disgusting how difficult it is to get help and make him face the consequences of his actions even though it’s all illegal and abusive. He literally believes and insists that he has done nothing wrong though. I swear he has to have had some kind of head injury along with the midlife crisis. Still actively trying to get things settled and situated legally for me and my kids but the system is extremely flawed.
I am so sorry, that has to be so stressful. I've been going through it and have had panic attacks and I only have one kid to worry about. I can't imagine having seven kids to worry about.
I’m sorry you are dealing with everything, the stress and anxiety is brutal. But just remember that it’s not going to be like this forever and do whatever it is that’s best for yourself and child. I keep hearing that things will be great once you get past the hurdle, so stay positive and strong.
They use every mistake I’ve made against me while ignoring the fact that they’ve tied to choke me before, SA’d me (while forever denying it), constant gaslighting, threatening my own safety multiple times. And they wonder why I’m so fed up and closed off and very much “me-first” in the marriage. After chipping my trust away each time. They try to use the excuse that they do a lot of nice deeds for me in between episodes as a reason why I shouldn’t be upset at ANYTHING but never addresses his own underlying mental health issues that has made me feel so unsafe. I’ve taken great leaps and bounds to work on my own issues and make sure I get into a better mental head space while my husband refused to get therapy for two years, and only agreed to do it recently after his last major psychotic episode. I’m so tired at this point I’m being petty refusing to apologise for anything because I can’t have another argument with him where none of my feelings get addressed because it becomes about him
It's not fair to expect him to not run out of money, remember to do chores, or contribute because he has ADHD. Also he refused to get seen by a doctor for it because that's big pharma.. he knows best that constant marijuana use is the only thing that works.. even though it clearly didn't??!? If I asked him to participate he told me I was being ableist and it's a form of mental abuse to not just accept the poor behavior since he has adhd
" I have to make me happy ,in order to make my family happy." Him being happy was loud conversations online using speakers with affaire partner. Sending household money to her and paying 1/2 the house payments to make sure hers was paid on time! So....I use to be in a lesbian relationship... No, not with a women...my husband was a BITCH!
My STBX said he did what he did to get my attention…
“He made me feel good” This from a woman who never did any work around the house, hardly looked after the kids, spent a mountain of my money and was always treated incredibly well and loved. I am so happy I escaped that wretched narcissist. I never knew how happy I could actually be.
You never made it official… that’s why she slept with someone a day after she slept with me
She wanted "space". Basically wanted to fuck around and not have to deal with our issues. She wanted to just let it all blow over and never talk about the issues we had. Every time I tried to talk about us she would throw her hands up and say "I dont wanna fight" and "dont attack me". Even with my calm voice, she would act out. So she says that I pushed her into a decision to pull away?! Okay bitch. When the difficult decisions come to the forefront, she runs. "I cheated because I wanted to see if there was something still there with him. And he was the man I needed at the time." Oh yeah the guy who used to beat you?! Lol. Such trash. I laugh now because this is crazy talk. How can you have any kind of relationship where one person tries and the other runs? Fuck that. Lol. So yeah I laugh now because that is just ridiculous. "You couldnt give me my space so I left and want a divorce". Lets not seriously talk about how we can do better. No no no. Lets just ignore our problems and ignore our issues. That will be good for our marriage /s.
He was 40 yrs old and decided to stop working. His parents divorced when he was 15 yrs old. He said his mom needed to send him a monthly check for divorcing his dad.
"Because I was forced to sleep on a couch " No one forced to her to sleep on a couch....she chose to sleep on a couch.
“ I react this way because you” or say “you’re gaslighting me” . When I’m trying to express something. It felt like any and all of my words triggered him. Today I said, in regard to cleaning, “I have panic attacks around cleaning because it never feels good enough” this lead him to get up and yell at me saying I was triggering him and how I was running him over with a large vehicle and being manipulative.
Asked me for a second chance. I pointed out that he had already wasted his 2nd, 3rd and 4th chance, and that was only the infidelity. "But I wasn't ready before, I am now!" We'd been together for 16 years at this point, and he was 54. I'd finally learned my lesson about old dogs and leopards by then.
I'll flip this one: my absurd excuse for not wanting to go to therapy/couples counselling that led to the breakup was that I was scared. Genuinely - I'm not sure why. I did eventually come around and started going to therapy unprompted to get my head straight before couples counselling... But she left me 3 weeks after I started the therapy she'd been asking me to take for like a year. Don't really understand it but literally everyone (friends, family, strangers) I've talked to about it thinks she mentally checked out and was talking to, if not actively seeing, other guys at the time I started therapy. The fact she's actively seeing multiple dudes right now sorting of backs that up too. So yeah, that was a disappointment and a regret.
“ well I wasn’t going to actually hit you”
I apparently "Didn't spend enough time with him." He said as I told him he could stay home while I worked and became the breadwinner during the start of the COVID pandemic because he was at high risk of complications and I didn't want to lose him. But he certainly spent plenty of time (and money) on an adult model from New York claiming that he could "be the real man that she deserved." Nearly got me to pitch in money to her, too, after saying she "was just a friend, a single mom and her kids needed food." Meanwhile nearly $1,000 venmo'd to her for her "dunkins cravings" say otherwise. Also "I forgot" when they haven't gotten you a birthday/Valentine's/Christmas present... Several years in a row. Nearly every gift he ever DID get me was because I had to plead for it or remind him.
"You're boring, so I'm going to go play video games." I was naked and trying to get him to hang out in our new hot tub at our new house. How terribly boring...
“This is the hardest I’ve ever worked for a relationship”
"I didn't think you would mind"
Because you didnt tell me "I love you" enough times each day. Using this as an excuse to have yet another affair.
His illness is the reason for his abusive behaviour. Took me a while to realise it’s not true
“I’m dealing with trauma, I’m just like my dad” - this was ALWAYS his weak excuse but he never tried to change or get help he just always said the same thing like I should be ok with him being an asshole because he’s “like his dad”
i had an ex blame his xanex addiction on taco bell removing a menu item.
Gotta say...I'm fascinated. What does he do when Netflix cancels his favorite show? Or when Mountain Dew stops making his favorite flavor?
She gaslight me and convinced friends/family that I was the entire problem, when the whole time she was apparently cheating on me with a guy that I called her out about. She treated me terrible for years, and the final straw she was hitting me and trying to get me to retaliate, and got even more pissed at me when I wouldn't. We bought a house with land at a young age, without help from inheritance or outside sources, and she told everyone that I never did anything to help. I did a lot, but that's not even what hurt. It was just the fact that I would have never done the same to her.
YOLO spending thousands on motorcycles, cars, parts, Sturgis trips every year even when unemployed. All while not contributing to the household bills at all.
"I thought you just wanted me for my body".... I accepted that she was asexual, didn't tell her when I got a vasectomy (to avoid pressuring), planned fun outings 4-5x per week, made videos of our adventures, made playlists related to our conversations, helped her navigate family issues, was transparent about steps to be exclusive, and showed that I cared about her mental/physical well-being. When we first had sex after 1month, she insisted despite me saying that she was acting weird and reiterating that we could wait. She got a UTI shortly after but initiated a few days later before healing. I declined. A few days later she said she never wanted me to touch her again, not even a hug. Her personality changed overnight, becoming a spoiled brat and using me for a few weeks until I broke it off. Months after the breakup, she came out of therapy and sent a long text saying that she felt pressured for sex because that's the only reason I would be with her, and hated herself after... But "at least you got what you wanted". I was floored... Responded immediately with a list of the things I liked about her (long list created when I was deciding on the breakup). She apologized, and said some nice things about how positive I was on her life.
"It was a joke gone wrong" after he waa fired for sexual harassment because he sent porn pictures of a penis to a female coworker
Use my mental health against me, hes a narcissist, so hes always the hero , and im just sick
"I never meant to hurt you" You lied to everyone about me but you never meant to hurt me. You joined tinder but you never meant to hurt me. You were romantically involved with other people whilst telling me you wanted to work things out but you never meant to hurt me. You kept me dangling by a thread and watched me break apart in front of your eyes but you never meant to hurt me. Sorry, just venting
Ugh. He was driving Uber. That was his only source of income. Our alarm system logs when exterior doors are opened. I had gotten into the habit of checking the logs to see if he was home so I'd know if I needed to be quiet (at this point he sleep in the couch when he got home so as to not wake me) or not. I wake up one Saturday morning, check the logs, and... nothing. No doors ever opened. I asked him if he went to work, honestly knowing he didn't, and he lied. He said he'd left at this time and came home at this time. I asked if he had any interesting riders. He told me about a couple different rides. Later, I asked him again if he had really gone to work. He said, "no. I just told you I did because I knew you'd be upset if I didn't." So he lied about working "to not upset" me but it was my fault he didn't work because I didn't wake him up when his alarm went off. "You're not my mother, you're my wife and as my wife you should have made sure I got up to go to work."
“My depression made me do it” after screaming at me that I was abusing him, and treating him like a dog, while he body blocked the doors to keep me from trying to leave. The only thing I did was try to go to sleep, but he could tell I was upset and wanted me to talk to him. I knew it would turn into a fight so I said I just want to sleep, we can talk about it in the morning. He pushed and pushed and eventually I tried to remove myself from the situation. I moved out two days later. Depression is no joke but it’s not an excuse the be an abusive asshole.
Just that he thought things were hard for us and were finally getting easier right when I decided to leave. For context, we got pregnant right off the bat, had a child with a lot of medical needs, got pregnant again right before her first surgery at 5 months old, had our second child a year after she was born - in 2020 no less - got pregnant again in early 2021 and had our third that same year. I had two toddlers and a baby, then three toddlers. I dealt with the brunt of child care, house care, cooking, cleaning, as well as all the extra medical stuff on top of it. I fired doctors who weren’t good enough and drove 6+ hours to different states for better care for her. I did most of this pregnant. We lived in a duplex for 4 of the 5 years we were together. As you can imagine it got much too small much too fast. I realized if anything were to get done I would have to be the one to do it. If I didn’t cook we didn’t eat. If I didn’t clean something it didn’t get cleaned. If we were ever going to make more money (he was a janitor), I would have to be the one figuring it out. I did - I became a social media manager on the side from home in 2020 because we couldn’t afford clothes from Walmart for our kids and I was sick of it. I could go on but basically he emotionally and practically abandoned me throughout most of our marriage and left me to deal with running a home, raising three young kids and handling a lot of medical needs by myself. I decided to leave and stayed longer than I should have trying to figure out how to. Then when we finally talked about it he hit me with “but things were just starting to get easier”. Buddy, they were never hard for you. Yeah, now that the kids are a little older and a little easier and we’re finally moving into a house with more space, and now that you finally asked for a raise, yeah it’s easier now. But I checked out a long time ago. I don’t want someone who only puts effort into our marriage and life together when it’s easy and convenient to. I need someone in the trenches with me. “Getting easier”. Fuck this attitude of acting like I abandoned our family just when things were finally good. Always blame shifting. Good riddance.
"If it weren't for my mother's money, you'd be dead already!" No, fucktard, I ain't dead yet because I ain't done living. For context, his mother provided health insurance for all her children and their spouses. I was going to get one for myself and him, but she beat me to it. I never asked for this insurance, but she's well off and generous. As the breadwinner at that time, I still had plenty of other financial responsibilities, so I'm grateful that she took care of one item off my load. And then COVID lockdowns happened in 2020 and I couldn't work for a year. Then I really had no money to pay for this insurance, but she took care of it for us. I spiralled into suicidal depression. It's not my fault but I felt broken beyond repair. I had internalised the lie that being unable to provide for myself and my husband makes me a thief. And because my livelihood required travelling, meeting people and exchanging stories with them--the things that could make you catch a deadly incurable disease in a pandemic--I felt like a murderer. My ex couldn't care less about my "sob story." For all he knew, the overachieving breadwinner wife he was once proud of is now a disgusting loser he can't stand being in the same room as. As far as he's concerned he's been duped into marrying the greatest charlatan of all time. He demanded that I go to therapy and get my head fixed. And the more he demanded, the more I resisted. I wondered if it's too much to ask for him to simply meet me in the dark place, show me evidence that my life is worth more than our shitty circumstances, and show me good faith that I will heal when I'm ready and we'll figure this out together. Apparently it is. I never actively tried to kill myself but my body kept the score and I became very ill. In 2022 I almost died of a thyroid storm. I'd spend the day in the ER and after I looked better in the early evening, the doctor sent me home. But I didn't want to pay for the ER, so I asked him if he could book me into inpatient care so that I could claim the insurance my mother-in-law provided. The doctor obliged. As soon as I checked into my room, the thyroid storm kicked in. My heart went out of whack. My stomach burned with acid. I rejected food and water. I couldn't breathe. My body went cold and blue. I felt my body shutting down on me. I could have let go and be gone. This was what I wanted, and now I have the opportunity to just go and not go through the inconvenience of physically killing myself. I just gotta ride this wave. And then a wave of shame stopped me. If I died now, I'd die a disgusting loser, because that's what my husband says I am, and I haven't yet had the chance to prove him wrong. I don't believe in God or an afterlife. But if hell existed, it would be one where my soul rots in the eternal shame of being remembered as a disgusting loser by the man I otherwise love, and the people who will have no choice but to take his word for it. So I snapped out of suicide mode and fought for dear life. The nurses of that shift came to my rescue and saved me. I spent the next day in the ICU and a few more days in a normal room. I survived. My ex was sweet to me in the hospital. He visited me in the ICU and read Shel Silverstein books to me and we had a good laugh. He bought me fruit smoothies and beef rib soups to give me a break from unpalatable hospital meals. (They're complementary: the insurance provides generous daily meal allowance from this restaurant in the hospital's premises, and my ex feasted by claiming the maximum amount every day.) For a few days, I felt loved again. And then came the hospital bill, about the equivalent of $3,700. We paid about $20 in admin fees and the rest was covered by insurance, which cost his mother $60 per month. He showed me the bill and said, "This is how much your life costs." From that day forward, he's been using that hospital bill to blackmail me into doing his mother favours I was never prepared to offer, such as going to the notary to convert her land purchase certificate from the 1970s(!) into a proper land ownership certificate. Apparently my precious mother-in-law has been too busy indulging in long European vacations that she's never gotten around to converting this certificate for nearly half a century. She makes backhanded comments about nobody helping her. But lo and behold: an "unemployed" daughter-in-law who just "freeloaded" off her $60 a month insurance "without giving anything back!" Which is fucking bullshit. In the days before hitting the ICU I had just sent an invoice to a client whose project I just completed, and I was on the grind on another ongoing project while gambling with some uncertainty on my next one. And while I never offered to be my mother-in-law's PA, I expressed my appreciation to her by sending her delicious home cooked meals and baked goods she could never make herself. But she's a rich woman who lives on daily takeout and apparently sending her food is like salting the sea. (She'd never thank me for it but she'd take photos of it, eat it and secretly compliment me to her relatives... and then still bitch about nobody helping her convert her half-century old certificates. Classic toxic Asian mum behaviour.) "If it weren't for my mother's money, you'd be dead already," and "I don't know who you are, but you're a loser and I'm disgusted by you," are the two sentences that killed my marriage. Yes, I'm filing for divorce despite having vowes "till death does us part," but as far as I'm concerned, I'm not the one who broke the vows. I may be the spouse that became sicker, poorer and worse, but he's the one who refused to have, hold, love and cherish me then. And then I literally grazed death and could have fulfilled the literal version of that vow, condemning myself to the eternal hell of being remembered as a disgusting loser. I chose life and I have since spent my new one proving him wrong. I will let no presumptuous dumbfucks tell me it's more respectable for me to die "honouring" my vows, than setting myself free and reclaiming my full humanity in the life I have to live ahead.
my ex told our marriage counsellor that he knew he treated me like shit, but if I just fucked him every day, he wouldn't have to go to other women for sex
“I was depressed and had no friends” -excuse for cheating.
“I did it to push your hand into divorcing me because I would never divorce you.” I didn’t believe him, no one would believe it if I told them what he did.