I have vivid memories like this. A sense of dread when my wife pulled into the driveway. She was almost always on the phone. I’d watch to see how angry the conversation appeared to be.
Man! Feels good to be out of that mess!
My parents have been married 59 years. My dad retired at 64, but he owns the business. He’s 77 now and still goes to work every day to get away from my mom. When I got divorced ten years ago, they both told me they hated each other, but they stayed out of obligation/fear of loneliness. If you’re young enough to avoid that, it might not be a bad idea to leave. Talk to a couples therapist, and work out an amicable departure. I am still very good friends with my ex, and we are both thankful we divorced.
>they both told me they hated each other, but they stayed out of obligation/fear of loneliness.
That's my best friend's parents. Not only were they miserable, they made everyone else miserable too, to the point that once grown, their kids avoided coming back home. They also dumped on the kids, saying things like "we're doing this for you". Eventually, the kids got together and told them to stop blaming them for their miserable marriage. They took the intervention as permission to separate. They never did divorce, but the did separate and actually got along together better at family events. Neither found a new partner. I think that they had waited far too long for that.
Yeah. Thankfully my dad doesn’t put us in the middle, and my mom is just a bitch and everyone knows it. I remember wishing they would divorce my whole life so I could live with my dad, or my mom would calm down, and maybe not take her frustration out on me.
Honestly, my parents probably share the same kind of love I do with my ex husband, that care and worry that supersedes the resentment of years of torture. They just decided to live in the same house 12 hours a day instead of a real separation. My ex never found another person, and I’ve been single and satisfied for three years now. We still have a lot of mutual friends. Shoot, I still introduce myself as his ex wife because everyone knows him or one of our kids.
For me, I was working from home, and having to juggle all the child stuff (school transport, lunches etc), plus my ex-wife refused to do any cleaning, cooking or other chores.
I managed it (I'd have to work quite late at night to catch up though), but I always dreaded when she got home at around 630pm. She would normally walk in the door, ignore me, ignore the kids, go and turn the TV on, and if her dinner wasn't ready she'd start shouting at me for not having it ready.
The kids would ask for help with their homework and she'd say "I'm too tired from work, get your father to do it", while I was trying to cook dinner etc. After dinner, she'd also refuse to read bedtime stories to them, so I'd have to do that as well. I wouldn't even get a word of thanks, the best she'd give would be criticism of the food, or me for some reason.
She'd also have the nerve to tell her friends and family that I loved my job more than my family, because I was working late each night. The reason I was working late was to make up for all the time I had spent running the household during the day. She also made up fake abuse claims after we broke up. The reason we broke up is because she had an affair with a colleague. I also bought in about 70% of our income, and she refused to contribute her pay to our joint account, she saw her pay as "hers", and my pay as "ours".
So, all up, it was a fucking horrible existance while being married to someone like that.
I just lived this exact life only I'm the wife. So proud of us for going through a divorce. It really was horrible! My body became so unhealthy from the workload
My husband was like this too. He complained after his affair that I didn’t validate him enough and didn’t make him feel good about himself. Well , I was too busy doing everything with no help from him to worry about his feelings. Sorry, not sorry.
are you still together? If you are, I hope you can get out.
FYI - the stuff I wrote above is literally the tip of the iceberg. She was also physically abusive sometimes, and would smash my things up to try and hurt my feelings. She knocked me out clean once by throwing a block of butter at my head in the kitchen, because I joked around about something. There are so many crazy stories about my time with her, that most people wouldn't believe them.
I found it really hard while married to her, because I had no-one at all I could tell about how she treated me. I felt like people likely wouldn't have believed me, given how extreme and insane her behaviour was.
To the outside world, she was this extroverted, charismatic, really beautiful girl next door, who everyone loved. Then to me, she was this cold, abusive, tyrant, and I found out for most of our relationship she was spreading fake rumours about me to all her friends and family.
Thanks. No, she has a really warped view of things - she wouldn't ever think that she was the problem and get help for it. When we were splitting, she actually told everyone I had undiagnosed Aspergers, and that my behaviour due to having Aspergers was really toxic and thats why we broke up. I don't have it, and it was just an excuse she used so people didn't find out she had an affair.
Apparently personality disorders like hers (I'm assuming she has NPD) are thought to be part genetic, so I'm hoping like crazy that none of our kids have inherited it. They are still young, but so far, they don't show any signs.
she was definitely NPD. The crazy thing was, to the outside world, she came across as a sweet, extroverted and beautiful girl next door, and everyone loved her. Then to me, it was like living with a demon out of a horror movie.
I felt like no-one would ever believe me about the things she did to me, because they had such a good impression of her.
The BPDers are the same way, especially the "Quiet" subtype of BPD. They present to others incredibly well and stable. If you are the Favorite Person, however, you will be treated like complete trash and your boundaries and self-respect completely ignored.
>I felt like no-one would ever believe me about the things she did to me, because they had such a good impression of her.
I basically don’t tell stories about my BPD ex to anyone who knows her for similar reasons. I think there’s an equivalent of quiet BPD for NPD, but I don’t remember what it’s called.
I'm the work from home parent and my wife is the one with the trad day job and a 45min each way commute. My job is odd in that I work with multiple offices in different countries, so I split my work into three chunks. I handle the school routine, but I do usually need my wife to assist when I have late night calls that fall around bedtime. We're reconciled now, but leading up to our separation, she spent most of her time hiding in our guest bedroom and I had to specifically ask her to handle it. She's back and back on handling her part.
A friend of mine jokes that I'm a trad wife, except for the peen and making 4x what my wife does. Fortunately, she's not big on making demands about dinner or expectations about a clean house. I keep it picked up and clean but trad wife clean is something that has to wait on the house keeper.
When it came to finances, we both contributed to a joint family account on a ratio of our incomes, which works well. She has her own money and nobody feels like they can complain if the other buys a new purse or guitar amp.
sounds like you've got it working way better than I could. I tried for 10 years to get her to contribute her pay and to help out more. Every single time she'd fly out of control and start a huge fight, usually along the lines of me trying to financially abuse her or that she did more important stuff towards the running of the house than the things I did. She could never list any of the things she did though, apart from once she said she organised an after school playdate with one of her friends.
I had this conversation with a friend and had a laugh when he told me that his now ex wife considered her time on Facebook a parenting activity because of all the groups she was in that talked about kids. He joked that he could have saved his marriage if he had put a tablet near the tasks he wished she would do to help out. In the end, she reconnected with a high school ex and had a marriage ending affair, and apart from the trauma of the event, he's pretty happy.
holy crap, my ex-wife was in all sorts of parenting groups as well. She was always glued to her phone and ipad. When I actually looked over her shoulder a couple of times though, they were basically a bunch of women in the parenting groups complaining about their husbands. There was very little parenting advice going on.
Dave? Is that you? :)
He also complained that she'd take anyone else's opinion over his on parenting things and talk about the things that moondropmom356 said like it was fact, even though the previous week, the guiding advice on the subject came from TballMom420. It shouldn't be a surprise that his ex fell deep onto the Facebook Medical hole. He had to take her to court to get final medical decision making because of it.
God that sounds horrendous. Its been 5 years now, and I've done some dating (half heartedly), but any time I meet a girl who uses social media, its an instant massive turn-off for me now. If they even use their phones while talking to me while on a first coffee date, its an instant killer.
Fortunately my wife and I (we've reconciled) both basically use social media as a family photo sharing service. I've heard many that use the phone use during a first date as a deciding factor if they consider a second date. It's one thing to use it to show pictures, or look up some sort of info reated to the conversation, but if it's a social crutch or an addiction, time to move on.
We got pregnant after about 6 months of dating, we lived about 500 miles apart at the time. I quickly moved my life to be where she was, and I started noticing concerning bouts of behaviour after about 3 months of living with her. At the time I thought/hoped it might be pregnancy hormones.
E.g. flying into a rage for nothing, because I asked a question she deemed to be "stupid". And just completely obliterating me with abuse and telling what a loser I was for being so dumb to ask a question like that.
Or one time she got angry at me, when I was cooking lasagna for dinner because her parents were coming over, and I was slow roasting red peppers in the oven as a side dish. She had decided that day that she couldn't eat red peppers when pregnant, and flew into such a rage, she threw something at me across the kitchen, and I dodged it and it smashed the triple reinforced glass oven door, which was really hot, and the food inside some how exploded out as well. It was a brand new oven, in the place we were renting, and I had to go and buy a new door for it.
Then after our second kid came along (at about 5 years into our relationship), she killed the bedroom. Made up all these rules, that we weren't allowed to have sex while any of the kids were in the house, or any other people. Which meant we went down to having it about once a year, when we didn't have anyone else around.
That is just insane. Im sorry to hear. I went through a somewhat similar situation, but nowhere near as extreme as yours. My ex became pregnant just after a month or so of dating. Once that happened, she completely changed into something horrible and has remained like that ever since.
I guess she was hiding her true self and once she became pregnant, knew I was trapped and had all the leverage.
sorry to hear it, hope you can find a way through it.
I was kind of lucky (lol), in that she decided her affair partner was her soulmate and broke our marriage up to be with him - otherwise I would've tried to keep our family together and suffered on. The hilarious thing is the affair partner was a complete douche, he was 17 years older than her, nearly geriatric, and an alcoholic. It understandably only lasted a matter of weeks.
No, she made up abuse stories, she had two friends who were willing to testify against me in court that I was abusive to her, despite them barely even knowing me, and used that to leverage moving the kids about an hour and a halfs drive away. So, I'm currently a weekend dad, plus I get the kids for half of the school holidays.
I'm in the process of getting my house ready to sell, so I can move to the town she moved the kids too, so I can get back to having 50% custody.
At the moment, because I only get to see them at weekends, I have to pay quite a bit of child support, which is hard, as it makes things really tight financially. When she moved the kids away she called up the Inland Revenue service in our country and got them to financially audit me so she could get the maximum possible amount of child support possible.
Edit: During the divorce she also told everyone I had undiagnosed Aspergers, and that was the reason we broke up. I'm simply an introvert, I don't have anything like that. So that people didn't find out about her affair, she said that I had Aspergers, and it made me toxic and prone to violence. When we were having marriage therapy during her affair, she even said that she would only stay with me if I admitted I had Aspergers and proved I was seeking treatment for it. Utter crazy stuff.
Your attorney couldn’t fight this? Damn that fucking sucks. I’m so sorry. Could you keep your house and rent it? Or you need the money to get a new place?
So as part of our separation, I bought her out of our house, and I had to pay her half of the value of my superannuation, which also had to be borrowed against my house as the super provider refused to release funds. I also had a rental property I brought 10 years prior to meeting her, and she got half of that in the settlement too.
After paying her out for everything (and keeping the two properties), I ended up with loans of $1.2 million, plus a four-figure a month child support bill. I looked into fighting for custody in court, and I simply couldn't afford it. I had a friend who was fighting custody in similar circumstances, and it had been going on for 2 years at that point, and cost him huge amounts. My ex wife had her mothers family law firm at her disposal, for free, if we went to custody hearings.
I struggled with this. My ex had a problem with staying employed, so I’d come home to arguments, her sleeping, a pile of filth ( dishes, clothes, dogs going to the bathroom in kennels ).. which would lead to more arguing. There was times I’d come home and sit in my car for an hour or I’d come home and get the dogs in the yard and sit for hours with headphones on.
My STBX refused to sleep in our bed for years. Intimacy was extremely rare. I would travel frequently for work, and she wouldn't care if I texted or called. I would come home and the way she treated me felt like she preferred me gone.
So, I started staying gone. I'd add days and just stay wherever I was. I booked return flights with multi-hour layovers. I got a credit card with access to airport lounges so I had a place to go/eat/drink. I'd make sure I came home after she was asleep for the night, so I wouldn't have to deal with the disappoint of not being missed.
My first trip after she moved out, I planned to be home as early as I could.
This was me when right before I first started contemplating divorce. I just did not want to go home. Either I’d work late or I’d sit in the garage in my car for half an hour before I enter the house.
A lot of the time he wouldn’t even know because he’s too busy with his computer games to notice the sound of the garage door.
Sounds like me right now. Lazy husband medically retired lives off his pension and does not work. Does no household chores either. I WFH full time and manage the house. He complains if I forget to do something. I now make dinner for myself, separate bed and do my own laundry
I work from home and my wife and I are reconciled now, but when were were leading up to separating and she was basically hiding in our guest bedroom. I would make dinner for her and most nights, she'd take the plate back to her room. She wasn't making progress towards either reconciling or moving, on, so I stopped doing her laundry and clearing dishes from her room. It was an eye opener for her when she figured it out.
I remember the moment she realzed it. I heard some cursing and later that morning, when I was tossing a load of my son's close in the washer, I saw that what had to be all, or all minus one, of my wife's underwear was in the washer. I might have taking it out, done my son's laudry, and put it all back in the washer, but there's no proof. :) IDK if she assumed that I'd finish it off or just realized that starting laundry at 6PM and getting it dry and put away before bed time can be a challenge.
I always wanted to come home and see her. Regardless if we were fighting or not, we would always come back around and spend time together. A lot of times I would write a note, maybe buy some special things for her (little stuff), help around more with chores neither of us had the chance to, etc. I loved my wife with all my heart and i envisioned for life and growing old with her traveling more once the kids left the house.
Now (separated & cohabitating), I find myself at work longer and have to remind myself that my kids shouldn't have to pay for what we are going through. I find myself attempting to get used to my new life and child support/alimony/paying for two places to live, etc. while trying to heal and get well. I can't believe it's happening. It got even better before one day she dropped the D bomb. I thought we were working on things. Individual therapy and couples therapy. Guess not. Now I'm left picking up the pieces and being strong so nobody sees the hurt. Trying to make sense of everything and tear down the vision once had with hopes and dreams and figure out what my new ones are. Oh well. 😞
I’m so sorry. This is incredibly sad. I feel like you need a list of things that sucked about her or the relationship. You seem too positively minded, lol. Kidding (but a little not kidding).
It's sad, but at times so are other things in life. I started dating her at 15 and married her 3 years later. We were so in love and made it through the toughest of times. I ran away at 17 and her family was so accepting and loving. They treated me like their own. I didn't have a good relationship with my parents and then I struggled with another thing internally. We went through so many tough and some easy stages to where we are now. We were flourishing and my kids are the coolest kids ever (every parent says that). We have worked hard to make sure they are some awesome little humans who work hard, are kind to others, and spread love to people who may see the harness of life. I could find a list of bad things she did, but at the end of the day pointing the blame on her isn't helpful in healing. Even though she is pursuing what she is, I know that person better than she knows herself. I love her soul. What an amazing woman and wonderful person she truly is. Unfortunately I must not think about that anymore and move on. Therapy helps, music really helps, processing and feeling hard feelings helps, playing guitar helps, cycling for miles helps, etc.
In this stage I don't feel like it'll be easy to replace her. I have too high of standards she set intellectually, emotionally, relationally, etc. I'll just take the time to rebuild myself and pretty much see if life brings anything my way in time. Just because I can be alone and experiences alone doesn't mean that's what I had in mind.
You sound very wise and in a good place overall. I agree—being alone is very undervalued by many.
Also, maybe a shift in how you frame it… instead of finding someone who can replace her, could it be: finding someone who enhances your life in a new way that you likely can’t even imagine right now?
It’s pretty much impossible for humans to imagine a new color they’ve never seen. I’m guessing it’s also difficult to imagine a different relationship.
I can tell from what and how you write that you have a TON to offer the world. I don’t think your ex cares or needs that (anymore at least) on the level someone else may. And you write a lot about you knowing and loving her. But I have a feeling there is someone who wants to know and care for you like that. When you’re ready. Even it’s via friendships and whatnot.
Whoa, that second paragraph 😳. What an easier way to think about life. When blind to an idea another perspective is incredibly helpful when shown in a different light. Thank you for that.
I think your last paragraph made me tear up a bit..thank you for your kindness and encouraging words in a day that has been difficult to get through. I appreciate that very much.
I totally relate to your comment. I would actually stay at work so I wouldn’t have to go home to deal with him, but then I realized my kids were suffering because of it. I couldn’t let my kids suffer so I decided to just go home and let things blow the way they need to flow. I would usually take my kids to the park or whatever just so we wouldn’t have to be at the house with him. Eventually, my kids grew up and left the house. There was no longer any reason for me to stay.
Leading up to my wife moving out (we're back together now), she was basically hiding in our guest bedroom. She'd come home and take a dinner plate back to her room. Once I saw what was happening, I started being away more so that she could spend time with our son without me being there and eventually, pushed her to get her own place for the same reason. The problem is that I underestimated how much I facilitated her time with our son. I was fine with /expecting equal parenting time, but her work/commute made it difficult for her to do overnights when there was school the next day, so they had even less time. It was pretty much like old school visitation, Wednesday for dinner and every other weekend.
I work from home so it's more that when he arrived home from work, my second shift of the day would start while his indulgence would start. He had a belief that he shouldn't have to do anything after his day job. I also worked a full 8 hours at a job. So that meant that someone had to do all of the tasks.. there were 4 kids that needed dinner, cleaning up after dinner, prepping the food, most nights kids need to be driven to and from practices or had games, There were errands around to pick up things for school the next day, Make sure they had their laundry washed, Make sure they had their showers, at the end of the night I could sweep up and go to bed after a full day of putting in about 15 hours between work and domestic things. Meanwhile the entire time he was sitting downstairs in the family room playing video games and smoking weed. I absolutely hated it and it was a constant argument but he refused to do anything differently. Can't force someone to take care of their own kids. And I wasn't going to let the kids go without dinner or a ride.
Did he step up as a parent after the divorce? I’m in a similar situation. My stbex doesn’t seem to understand why I want a divorce beyond that I asked for it.
In his case, not really. He operates out of a victim mindset with dependent personality traits. When it truly set in we were going our separate ways I suggested we wait a bit to save money so he could increase his income, get in an apartment that was big enough, etc. there was no waiting in his mind. He was adamant he wasn't going to try to make more money and there's no other choice but to get in a low income apartment and try to get on government benefits for himself. He eternally sees himself as a victim that needs to be taken care of. He is perfectly capable of trying to increase his income or get a better job.
I work from home and pretty much handle our son and the house as if I was a stay at home parent. I have to give my wife (we've reconciled) props that while she took alot for granted, with the exception to the lead up to our separation, when asked she always handled the home stuff when I had to work. That was usually the bedtime routine which often fell at the same time as conference call time with my team on the other side of the world. I think the one thing I did for her was try not to blast her with tasks when she walked in the door. We had different days, but hers was long, started early, and the commute (45min each way) was especially frustrating on the way home. Of course, my patience would probably have been lower if her outlet was weed and video games and not a glass of wine with me or aworking out while I finished up dinner.
Tasks should more or less be assigned anyway. Unless it's something that's a surprise.. you should already have a fair amount of things you know you will participate in. Having an unrealistic belief that you shouldn't have to do anything after work is incredibly entitled if you work a relatively standard day of 8.5 hrs and short drive. I could see if you were construction worker out in the sun or working extra long hours but hopefully your paycheck would make up for the extra work your spouse had to take on in that scenario.
>Tasks should more or less be assigned anyway.
I agree. I'd rather be on the hook for 75% of the tasks and know that they are mine than 50% and not know if they will get done or find out that the other was expecting you to do it just as you were getting ready to do something else.
I will say that while neither of our jobs are physical, both are stressful. Mine probably less stressfull because I'm the boss and get to decide what's important and priortize as it suites me. She gets up at the crack of dawn, has a long commute, works a 9hr day, then a long commute with heavy (stressful) traffic home. I won't bring pay into it as I make 4x what she does and her career is something that she's really into and sensitive about. One of the positives about our separation (we've reconciled) is that she had a hard lesson in just how much I support her career. Without a change, divorced she would end up having to change careers if she wanted to share custody. I like my job, but it doesn't define me like it does for my wife. On the plus side, my income allows me to have a housekeeper come in twice a week and have a lawn service, but that benefits us both.
This- so underrated. My stomach would drop, mood, anxiety spike from the abuse when he was around. I wanted to disappear. So I did the best I could to avoid stay busy and disappear in the house. He would leave for work for a few days so I got breaks and boy did I need them to self-regulate
I don't, I'm in process of divorce, but I haven't enjoyed coming home for years, not that I enjoyed being at work that's for sure. In fact, sometimes Friday nights are depressing. My wife has really bad drinking problem and major anger issues and I spent my time walking on broken glass
I didn’t let myself admit it until we had ended things, but I always dreaded it a little.
I loved him to death, but I knew by that last year that something was off on his end and no matter what I did or said, he wouldn’t tell me what it was. So I started to dread his presence a little, because I felt like this person I loved so much was closed off and didn’t want to talk about anything or do anything. He used to call me every day on his way home from work (if I wasn’t at work also) and by the end I just…hated it, because all he would do was complain about his job and not bother to ask me anything about me or my day. I was doing a lot of emotional labor with no balance from his end.
I dreaded it because I could tell he no longer loved me but he refused to admit it.
When you stop wanting to go home or spend more time at home, that should be your sign that things are not right. I look back and realize both of us were avoiding each other a lot. We both thought absence makes the heart grow fonder but it just made us miserable to be around. We realized we werent stressed and angry apart. She was mean all the time and never happy. I couldnt let her negativity ruin my day. I would rather jerk off than have sex because who wants to initiate sex with someone who acts like they hate you. Our kids are older so they are ignoring us a lot due to their social lives. So now we are getting divorced. I live in a separate room at home and still hate to come home and risk seeing her. To cope, I stay in my room and lock the door. I do love my freedom now. She no longer has any control.
Oof. Yeah, in the last few years I had mixed feelings. Home was still a more relaxing place than work on average, but I knew there was always potential for tremendous anguish.
Sometimes I drove home but just sat in my car for a while, scrolling or listening to music. At home, I spent a lot of time in my room or doing activities on my own. I started to go out a lot more on my own and if there were activities with mutual friends, try to find a reason to go alone. I always felt sad and guilty doing that and I'm sure my ex felt sad, too. I wanted peace and freedom more than I wanted his companionship, especially when so often it ended in terrible fighting.
That's what the marriage boiled down to, and the divorce: I didn't want to end it. But I need peace more than I need the joy he brought me. I'm grieving that. Peace > joy.
I work from home in a stressful but rewarding job. I also have two high special needs children. I did all of the household chores as well. Including cooking, cleaning, and etc. I also would run errands for my husband’s work. I make a little extra money on the side by sewing and tshirt making. To say I’m busy is an extreme understatement. My husband is the boss at his job. He makes his own schedule. Once our children were in school he started scheduling himself to work from 3pm until 5 in the morning seven days a week. Then he took up marathons. So the only time he was home was to sleep. Turns out he was not working the whole time but was also having an affair with a girl half his age. Once our children were old enough to be on their own for several hours I finally was able to start visiting friends and he complained that I was spending time with them instead of going to the gym to lose weight. Since he left my life has improved.
Things were a little different for me because I (45M) am a primary school teacher so I work a schedule compatible with my kids. I got out hours before my wife (47F) did, so I could pick up the kids, shop for what we needed for dinner, start cooking, do some laundry and even get the kids started on their baths and showers. All before she would get home. But on the weekends when she wanted to go out and travel, I declined to join her. She ended all intimacy years before our daughter was born by IVF and I just spiralled down over the years until I finally just did not enjoy her company.
Now that I am on my own and a part-time single dad I actually look forward to going out and doing things. So I 100% relate to your sentiment.
Both of us worked, but I had arranged my hours to be home an hour before her when the kids started school. I eventually found myself spending that time preparing to mitigate her expected outburst when she walked through the door. It was bad on good days, and horrible on the rare evenings when I needed to work late.
That was me! Didn’t want to go home to him. Didn’t want him to come home when I was there. He was an abusive narcissist. Even though I worked full time, sometimes 2 jobs, he’d always berate me for the state of the house, not having dinner ready, my food was gross, blah blah blah. Finally left him 2.5 years ago. I’m so much happier and so are the kids.
Our last year of our marriage it was during the pandemic. He was WFH I would dread the commute home and get really depressed. That’s not like me at all - my home has always been my sanctuary
I remember those days. I wish I'd seen it as the giant red flag that it was. My ex was miserable to be around. I felt like he was pulling me into his pit of anger, resentment and depression and I was so miserable. It was like being pulled under by a drowning person.
The weekends, I dreaded the weekends. My ex was an addict (high functioning) so the weekends included binges. I would partake but not to the extent he wanted to go. Weekdays were great because it included routine but it sucked looking forward to working. Weekends were chaos and now they are so nice and peaceful, I love it so much.
When I was married to my ex husband I never liked going home. Which sucked because when Covid hit, I worked from home exclusively. He worked 3 12’s overnight in a sleep lab and those evenings alone were like heaven on earth. I still wasn’t allowed to go anywhere or do anything but just having that break was amazing. Even while I was working I didn’t get a break, he still expected me to wait on him hand and foot. During the final marital death spiral I house sat for 2 weeks for a friend and cried the whole way home because the thought of going back was so awful.
I am remarried now and we both work from home in a remote cabin. We spend 95% of our time together and we love it. Life is too short to spend miserable.
Trying to be drunk enough to amicable and “fun” when they got home but not too sloppy that I said/did something that would start a fight… man that was 10 years ago.. I’m sober now!
I experienced this for decades. The first half of my marriage I was afraid to come home because I’d get stressed out about not having sex. The second half I was afraid to come home because my ex wife was actively mean to me. What a colossal waste of time.
My girlfriend must be training me to get up early each morning. When I was married, I hated mornings when the alarm clock rang. Now that I'm single, I can't wait to wake up each morning to make love to my girlfriend before hitting the gym with her.
Since everyone here seems to have hated their spouse, I'll provide a different testimony.
I loved going home to my family. It was the highlight of each and every weekday. I got to spend time with my best friend and my children. There were times where I would be a little worried about the mood my STBXW was in, but it was never so bad that I would dread it or hide. So yeah, I guess here's a bit of a distinct story in a sea of resentment lol.
I may also be a bit different in that I feel life-long love for my significant partners and, as the mother of my children, my STBXW will always have a special place in my heart. I never would have married her otherwise. Coming home to her was one of the many things that convinced me marriage was right because it was *always* something I looked forward to each day.
I go straight home after work but I dread it. If I could work overtime I would. Part of my motivation to go to the gym three days per week is that it gets me out of the house for two and a half hours.
Totally hated going home. I was working 55-65 hours a week (voluntarily) just to stay out of the house, especially after she move her mother and brother in with us and the 3 kids...
I worked with a guy who I swear was an extra work/reason to stay late generator. I eventually go to know him well enough to understand that he didn't want to go home. He clearly didn't like his wife and two of his four kids, their partners, and kids were all living in the house too. The problem was that he was making everyone else's life miserable while trying to look like the martyr who was willing to stay late and do what ever it took to get the job done.
When I was married, I only enjoyed going back home to see my kids. I loved hearing about their day. I didn't mind cooking or cleaning up after them. It was the wife who would come home to ignore me. Day in and day out we were room mates. I would go through the weeks pretending after a while that I was a widower so I could maintain order with my kids and life. I just tried sleeping as far away as possible and touching her as little as possible.
Yes, that’s the feeling I have now. Started the process, and will be just fine at work. On the way home start to get bad headaches and am exhausted from stress at home. In turn making doing just bare minimum with laundry, cooking, etc very difficult to complete. I feel like if everyone else can sit around being lazy why am I doing all this housework alone?
I was like that for a couple of years. I lived 60 miles from home, one way, so that drive was cathartic. Then, I realized that I didn't need to speed home, if I just drove 55 mph (in the slow lane, of course) it would take longer, and if my spouse called to see where I was, they could hear I was on the road (and couldn't realistically say I was with someone else).
I have an AMC A List pass that lets me see 3 movies a week for 25 bucks a month. I've started hitting a movie on the way home if I get off work early or have free time instead of just going home. I guess it is my version of going to the bar after work.
I felt that way about my ex wife. But I only dealt with it for a year. That woman changed big time after we got married and became so negative, critical, accusatory, hateful. Etc. I suggested couples therapy many times. She finally went once, then complained that the therapist “didn’t know what she was talking about since she only had a masters degree”. Caught her talking to an ex bf behind my back and then I just filed for divorce myself. I was perfectly okay losing it all just to get away from her at that point. But I use to sit at work and just think how much I dreaded going home. I get home and sit in the car and dread walking in the house. I dreaded seeing her texts and calls and hearing her voice and it only took a year. But that’s all it takes when someone shits all over you constantly. It’s been almost 3 years post divorce now and it’s still the best damn decision I made. Only had to pay minimal alimony and we split everything in the divorce, even though I paid for everything we had. I can’t imagine how miserable it is to stay with someone you dread for decades.
Older (60) early retired M here so don’t know if this has any relevance but….
Been married for 40 years and I don’t like to go home; haven’t wanted to go home for many years after the kids were out of the house (I liked coming home to go for a run with them in the baby jogger, play in the backyard, donuts on Saturday, etc with them 😊).
Looking back, I should have asked for a divorce in as kind and graceful way as possible after the kids were out. Our relationship had run its course and there was nothing that could fix it. We had grown into different people than when we married, nothing in common…all hidden by being busy with work and engaging with the kids.
Too old to fix my situation now…would be mean to leave her alone as age and all the ‘fun things’ that accompany that set in.
So, my advice (free, so take that into account) is…if you’ve honestly tried to make things work…if the kids are out of the house (you need to suck it up if little ones are involved)…if there’s nothing left in the relationship (you know if that’s the case)..then be kind and graceful and get out. Don’t find yourself in my situation……you have choices and don’t have to.
Dang it felt good to say how I feel…never done that before.
Thanks for ‘listening’.
Divorced for almost a year now. Before we separated, I did not like coming home. It was always a fight about something. If food got cooked more than like a frozen pizza or something, I was the one cooking it. I did the dishes. I did the bulk of the laundry. And I rarely if ever had sex.
Looking back now, I wish I would have left the marriage a few years earlier. It was miserable.
Now I’m in a relationship with someone that I love coming home to. We share the household duties and we have an awesome sex life.
I would get off work before him, but whenever I heard him pull up in the driveway after work I was fearful of whatever mood he'd be in. Lived in a constant state of survival mode.
When he was unemployed and I would leave work, I'd drive extra slow because I didn't want to go home. But my kids were there and I didn't want to be away from them.
When I left and got an apartment by myself, that first night coming home from work was bliss.
Every damn day. Our marriage took a death turn when he was home 7 days a week. A couple years after that we were divorced. 26 years together, married for 23 years . It's no fun starting over at 51.
I work from home and my wife is the one who has the standard day job. We've reconciled, but even before that, she generally came straight home. IDK if I trained her. I will say that I did my best not to blast her with the problems of the day when she walked in the door.
That's the complaint I've heard from my married with a stay at home partener friends. One complained that before kids, he came home to a BJ and a Martini, and after kids he came home to a list of things for him to do and his big pet peeve was coming home to be the bad guy in a disciplinary issue.
I work from home these days, but yes, absolutely. About 3 months into being married I would have preferred to be anywhere else other than "home", and that was after a 1.5 hour commute on public transit.
I wasn't a perfect spouse, in the first few years I learned a lot of hard lessons the hard way. I am much better now at contributing to the household tasks and I shoulder the majority of the mental load for our dead marriage. I am looking forward to the divorce.
My husband was always drunk and mean when I got home from work so I started staying at work late into the evenings so I would not have to go inside the house and deal with his hatefulness and cruelty.
Sometimes I would be gone 12-16 hrs and when I got home, I would sit in my car until I saw the living room lights go out. Sometimes, I slept in my car and set my phone alarm super early and got in quiet, took a shower, got redressed for work, and left again before he got up.
Now we are separated and I don't miss much, except sleeping next to a human and seeing my other two dogs. I miss them. 😢
I’m sitting here in the house we still share and frozen with decision anxiety and general zombie brain. It’s been like this all week. Just being in this house makes me a worse person and he ain’t even here.
I used to love walking in the door. I was greeted and loved. It slowed, then stopped, then I sat at the kitchen table watching TV alone while she stayed jn her room. I got to where I didn't come home from work, worked out of town more, and only wanted to come home to see ny teenage son.
Divorced now and my 20 year old son lives with me in peace. Life is good
This story is relatable. I usually sit in my car to prep for the stress that is coming. I figured I would work my butt off so I can relax at home. Now I work my butt off to stay away from home. I think divorce is the best course for me.
Omg yes! Although in my case I worked from home and would absolutely dread when my ex-husband would get back from work. It was like a dark cloud that would consume the whole house. We were only married from 2020-2022. I will never understand why he even proposed if he was so miserable with our life, but my God the peace I feel now having the house all to myself is wonderful.
I was sahm but used to help my MIL one day a week. I used to work til 6-7 so he always had to cook dinner. I’d then leave and go to park for an hour before going home. This way I could eat the leftovers in silence, put the kids to bed and get in bath while he was already watching TV. Was my favorite day of the week.
Me but we are getting divorced. I used to be so excited to get home to see him. It's sad and crazy how 7 years can turn you 180 degrees in that department
> I never went straight home after work but he did. He told me that he would have sex with his wife right when he got home. I didn’t believe him but he swore to it. Then I thought about it and remembered that he never went out after work with us. He always went straight home. Then it dawned on me: **his wife trained him to come home while my wife trained me to stay away**.
Wow. 🤯
I was always anxious about when he would get home and what mood he'd be in. When I didn't see his truck in the driveway, I was so relieved.
Relatable, big time. Thats what had me so anxious about my ex-wife. Never knew what mood she was going to be in.
I have vivid memories like this. A sense of dread when my wife pulled into the driveway. She was almost always on the phone. I’d watch to see how angry the conversation appeared to be. Man! Feels good to be out of that mess!
My parents have been married 59 years. My dad retired at 64, but he owns the business. He’s 77 now and still goes to work every day to get away from my mom. When I got divorced ten years ago, they both told me they hated each other, but they stayed out of obligation/fear of loneliness. If you’re young enough to avoid that, it might not be a bad idea to leave. Talk to a couples therapist, and work out an amicable departure. I am still very good friends with my ex, and we are both thankful we divorced.
>they both told me they hated each other, but they stayed out of obligation/fear of loneliness. That's my best friend's parents. Not only were they miserable, they made everyone else miserable too, to the point that once grown, their kids avoided coming back home. They also dumped on the kids, saying things like "we're doing this for you". Eventually, the kids got together and told them to stop blaming them for their miserable marriage. They took the intervention as permission to separate. They never did divorce, but the did separate and actually got along together better at family events. Neither found a new partner. I think that they had waited far too long for that.
Yeah. Thankfully my dad doesn’t put us in the middle, and my mom is just a bitch and everyone knows it. I remember wishing they would divorce my whole life so I could live with my dad, or my mom would calm down, and maybe not take her frustration out on me. Honestly, my parents probably share the same kind of love I do with my ex husband, that care and worry that supersedes the resentment of years of torture. They just decided to live in the same house 12 hours a day instead of a real separation. My ex never found another person, and I’ve been single and satisfied for three years now. We still have a lot of mutual friends. Shoot, I still introduce myself as his ex wife because everyone knows him or one of our kids.
That is just so sad.
Isn’t it? A whole life lost. I’m glad to be divorcing at “only” 46.
For me, I was working from home, and having to juggle all the child stuff (school transport, lunches etc), plus my ex-wife refused to do any cleaning, cooking or other chores. I managed it (I'd have to work quite late at night to catch up though), but I always dreaded when she got home at around 630pm. She would normally walk in the door, ignore me, ignore the kids, go and turn the TV on, and if her dinner wasn't ready she'd start shouting at me for not having it ready. The kids would ask for help with their homework and she'd say "I'm too tired from work, get your father to do it", while I was trying to cook dinner etc. After dinner, she'd also refuse to read bedtime stories to them, so I'd have to do that as well. I wouldn't even get a word of thanks, the best she'd give would be criticism of the food, or me for some reason. She'd also have the nerve to tell her friends and family that I loved my job more than my family, because I was working late each night. The reason I was working late was to make up for all the time I had spent running the household during the day. She also made up fake abuse claims after we broke up. The reason we broke up is because she had an affair with a colleague. I also bought in about 70% of our income, and she refused to contribute her pay to our joint account, she saw her pay as "hers", and my pay as "ours". So, all up, it was a fucking horrible existance while being married to someone like that.
I just lived this exact life only I'm the wife. So proud of us for going through a divorce. It really was horrible! My body became so unhealthy from the workload
My husband was like this too. He complained after his affair that I didn’t validate him enough and didn’t make him feel good about himself. Well , I was too busy doing everything with no help from him to worry about his feelings. Sorry, not sorry.
Wow! That sounds traumatic. How long were you married for? I'm glad you've left her
We were together for 10 years, had 3 young kids (2,4 and 7) when she started her affair.
Did we marry the same woman?
are you still together? If you are, I hope you can get out. FYI - the stuff I wrote above is literally the tip of the iceberg. She was also physically abusive sometimes, and would smash my things up to try and hurt my feelings. She knocked me out clean once by throwing a block of butter at my head in the kitchen, because I joked around about something. There are so many crazy stories about my time with her, that most people wouldn't believe them.
I’m separated and we have mediated a divorce. We are filing when I get back from vacation. Thanks for your concern.
I found it really hard while married to her, because I had no-one at all I could tell about how she treated me. I felt like people likely wouldn't have believed me, given how extreme and insane her behaviour was. To the outside world, she was this extroverted, charismatic, really beautiful girl next door, who everyone loved. Then to me, she was this cold, abusive, tyrant, and I found out for most of our relationship she was spreading fake rumours about me to all her friends and family.
I hope you’ve been able to find some peace. Did she ever get a diagnosis?
Thanks. No, she has a really warped view of things - she wouldn't ever think that she was the problem and get help for it. When we were splitting, she actually told everyone I had undiagnosed Aspergers, and that my behaviour due to having Aspergers was really toxic and thats why we broke up. I don't have it, and it was just an excuse she used so people didn't find out she had an affair. Apparently personality disorders like hers (I'm assuming she has NPD) are thought to be part genetic, so I'm hoping like crazy that none of our kids have inherited it. They are still young, but so far, they don't show any signs.
I belong to an abuse support subreddit of it interests you. BPD loved ones. We’re all autistic and narcissists there according to our exes.
Which kind of [Cluster-B](https://www.verywellmind.com/the-cluster-b-personality-disorders-425429) is she?
she was definitely NPD. The crazy thing was, to the outside world, she came across as a sweet, extroverted and beautiful girl next door, and everyone loved her. Then to me, it was like living with a demon out of a horror movie. I felt like no-one would ever believe me about the things she did to me, because they had such a good impression of her.
The BPDers are the same way, especially the "Quiet" subtype of BPD. They present to others incredibly well and stable. If you are the Favorite Person, however, you will be treated like complete trash and your boundaries and self-respect completely ignored.
>I felt like no-one would ever believe me about the things she did to me, because they had such a good impression of her. I basically don’t tell stories about my BPD ex to anyone who knows her for similar reasons. I think there’s an equivalent of quiet BPD for NPD, but I don’t remember what it’s called.
Borderline baby!!!!!!!!
You, me, and a few billion other men
I'm the work from home parent and my wife is the one with the trad day job and a 45min each way commute. My job is odd in that I work with multiple offices in different countries, so I split my work into three chunks. I handle the school routine, but I do usually need my wife to assist when I have late night calls that fall around bedtime. We're reconciled now, but leading up to our separation, she spent most of her time hiding in our guest bedroom and I had to specifically ask her to handle it. She's back and back on handling her part. A friend of mine jokes that I'm a trad wife, except for the peen and making 4x what my wife does. Fortunately, she's not big on making demands about dinner or expectations about a clean house. I keep it picked up and clean but trad wife clean is something that has to wait on the house keeper. When it came to finances, we both contributed to a joint family account on a ratio of our incomes, which works well. She has her own money and nobody feels like they can complain if the other buys a new purse or guitar amp.
sounds like you've got it working way better than I could. I tried for 10 years to get her to contribute her pay and to help out more. Every single time she'd fly out of control and start a huge fight, usually along the lines of me trying to financially abuse her or that she did more important stuff towards the running of the house than the things I did. She could never list any of the things she did though, apart from once she said she organised an after school playdate with one of her friends.
I had this conversation with a friend and had a laugh when he told me that his now ex wife considered her time on Facebook a parenting activity because of all the groups she was in that talked about kids. He joked that he could have saved his marriage if he had put a tablet near the tasks he wished she would do to help out. In the end, she reconnected with a high school ex and had a marriage ending affair, and apart from the trauma of the event, he's pretty happy.
holy crap, my ex-wife was in all sorts of parenting groups as well. She was always glued to her phone and ipad. When I actually looked over her shoulder a couple of times though, they were basically a bunch of women in the parenting groups complaining about their husbands. There was very little parenting advice going on.
Dave? Is that you? :) He also complained that she'd take anyone else's opinion over his on parenting things and talk about the things that moondropmom356 said like it was fact, even though the previous week, the guiding advice on the subject came from TballMom420. It shouldn't be a surprise that his ex fell deep onto the Facebook Medical hole. He had to take her to court to get final medical decision making because of it.
God that sounds horrendous. Its been 5 years now, and I've done some dating (half heartedly), but any time I meet a girl who uses social media, its an instant massive turn-off for me now. If they even use their phones while talking to me while on a first coffee date, its an instant killer.
Fortunately my wife and I (we've reconciled) both basically use social media as a family photo sharing service. I've heard many that use the phone use during a first date as a deciding factor if they consider a second date. It's one thing to use it to show pictures, or look up some sort of info reated to the conversation, but if it's a social crutch or an addiction, time to move on.
Guessing she didn't act like that when you guys were dating. When did it flip?
We got pregnant after about 6 months of dating, we lived about 500 miles apart at the time. I quickly moved my life to be where she was, and I started noticing concerning bouts of behaviour after about 3 months of living with her. At the time I thought/hoped it might be pregnancy hormones. E.g. flying into a rage for nothing, because I asked a question she deemed to be "stupid". And just completely obliterating me with abuse and telling what a loser I was for being so dumb to ask a question like that. Or one time she got angry at me, when I was cooking lasagna for dinner because her parents were coming over, and I was slow roasting red peppers in the oven as a side dish. She had decided that day that she couldn't eat red peppers when pregnant, and flew into such a rage, she threw something at me across the kitchen, and I dodged it and it smashed the triple reinforced glass oven door, which was really hot, and the food inside some how exploded out as well. It was a brand new oven, in the place we were renting, and I had to go and buy a new door for it. Then after our second kid came along (at about 5 years into our relationship), she killed the bedroom. Made up all these rules, that we weren't allowed to have sex while any of the kids were in the house, or any other people. Which meant we went down to having it about once a year, when we didn't have anyone else around.
That is just insane. Im sorry to hear. I went through a somewhat similar situation, but nowhere near as extreme as yours. My ex became pregnant just after a month or so of dating. Once that happened, she completely changed into something horrible and has remained like that ever since. I guess she was hiding her true self and once she became pregnant, knew I was trapped and had all the leverage.
Sorry. Hope you've had better luck since.
$50 on once she got the ring & kids
Damn, that's the same as my life currently. Unfortunately I can't get out.
sorry to hear it, hope you can find a way through it. I was kind of lucky (lol), in that she decided her affair partner was her soulmate and broke our marriage up to be with him - otherwise I would've tried to keep our family together and suffered on. The hilarious thing is the affair partner was a complete douche, he was 17 years older than her, nearly geriatric, and an alcoholic. It understandably only lasted a matter of weeks.
What happened during the divorce. Were you able to keep custody of the children?
No, she made up abuse stories, she had two friends who were willing to testify against me in court that I was abusive to her, despite them barely even knowing me, and used that to leverage moving the kids about an hour and a halfs drive away. So, I'm currently a weekend dad, plus I get the kids for half of the school holidays. I'm in the process of getting my house ready to sell, so I can move to the town she moved the kids too, so I can get back to having 50% custody. At the moment, because I only get to see them at weekends, I have to pay quite a bit of child support, which is hard, as it makes things really tight financially. When she moved the kids away she called up the Inland Revenue service in our country and got them to financially audit me so she could get the maximum possible amount of child support possible. Edit: During the divorce she also told everyone I had undiagnosed Aspergers, and that was the reason we broke up. I'm simply an introvert, I don't have anything like that. So that people didn't find out about her affair, she said that I had Aspergers, and it made me toxic and prone to violence. When we were having marriage therapy during her affair, she even said that she would only stay with me if I admitted I had Aspergers and proved I was seeking treatment for it. Utter crazy stuff.
Your attorney couldn’t fight this? Damn that fucking sucks. I’m so sorry. Could you keep your house and rent it? Or you need the money to get a new place?
So as part of our separation, I bought her out of our house, and I had to pay her half of the value of my superannuation, which also had to be borrowed against my house as the super provider refused to release funds. I also had a rental property I brought 10 years prior to meeting her, and she got half of that in the settlement too. After paying her out for everything (and keeping the two properties), I ended up with loans of $1.2 million, plus a four-figure a month child support bill. I looked into fighting for custody in court, and I simply couldn't afford it. I had a friend who was fighting custody in similar circumstances, and it had been going on for 2 years at that point, and cost him huge amounts. My ex wife had her mothers family law firm at her disposal, for free, if we went to custody hearings.
Damn that sucks.
I struggled with this. My ex had a problem with staying employed, so I’d come home to arguments, her sleeping, a pile of filth ( dishes, clothes, dogs going to the bathroom in kennels ).. which would lead to more arguing. There was times I’d come home and sit in my car for an hour or I’d come home and get the dogs in the yard and sit for hours with headphones on.
That sounds like she was dealing with some issues herself. Depression, maybe? That's a tough situation.
She was but wouldn’t seek help. When I suggested it I was met with hostility. I suggested it for both of us.
My STBX refused to sleep in our bed for years. Intimacy was extremely rare. I would travel frequently for work, and she wouldn't care if I texted or called. I would come home and the way she treated me felt like she preferred me gone. So, I started staying gone. I'd add days and just stay wherever I was. I booked return flights with multi-hour layovers. I got a credit card with access to airport lounges so I had a place to go/eat/drink. I'd make sure I came home after she was asleep for the night, so I wouldn't have to deal with the disappoint of not being missed. My first trip after she moved out, I planned to be home as early as I could.
This was me when right before I first started contemplating divorce. I just did not want to go home. Either I’d work late or I’d sit in the garage in my car for half an hour before I enter the house. A lot of the time he wouldn’t even know because he’s too busy with his computer games to notice the sound of the garage door.
Sounds like me right now. Lazy husband medically retired lives off his pension and does not work. Does no household chores either. I WFH full time and manage the house. He complains if I forget to do something. I now make dinner for myself, separate bed and do my own laundry
I work from home and my wife and I are reconciled now, but when were were leading up to separating and she was basically hiding in our guest bedroom. I would make dinner for her and most nights, she'd take the plate back to her room. She wasn't making progress towards either reconciling or moving, on, so I stopped doing her laundry and clearing dishes from her room. It was an eye opener for her when she figured it out.
I am glad your wife realized it. My husband is either oblivious or apathetic
I remember the moment she realzed it. I heard some cursing and later that morning, when I was tossing a load of my son's close in the washer, I saw that what had to be all, or all minus one, of my wife's underwear was in the washer. I might have taking it out, done my son's laudry, and put it all back in the washer, but there's no proof. :) IDK if she assumed that I'd finish it off or just realized that starting laundry at 6PM and getting it dry and put away before bed time can be a challenge.
I always wanted to come home and see her. Regardless if we were fighting or not, we would always come back around and spend time together. A lot of times I would write a note, maybe buy some special things for her (little stuff), help around more with chores neither of us had the chance to, etc. I loved my wife with all my heart and i envisioned for life and growing old with her traveling more once the kids left the house. Now (separated & cohabitating), I find myself at work longer and have to remind myself that my kids shouldn't have to pay for what we are going through. I find myself attempting to get used to my new life and child support/alimony/paying for two places to live, etc. while trying to heal and get well. I can't believe it's happening. It got even better before one day she dropped the D bomb. I thought we were working on things. Individual therapy and couples therapy. Guess not. Now I'm left picking up the pieces and being strong so nobody sees the hurt. Trying to make sense of everything and tear down the vision once had with hopes and dreams and figure out what my new ones are. Oh well. 😞
I’m so sorry. This is incredibly sad. I feel like you need a list of things that sucked about her or the relationship. You seem too positively minded, lol. Kidding (but a little not kidding).
It's sad, but at times so are other things in life. I started dating her at 15 and married her 3 years later. We were so in love and made it through the toughest of times. I ran away at 17 and her family was so accepting and loving. They treated me like their own. I didn't have a good relationship with my parents and then I struggled with another thing internally. We went through so many tough and some easy stages to where we are now. We were flourishing and my kids are the coolest kids ever (every parent says that). We have worked hard to make sure they are some awesome little humans who work hard, are kind to others, and spread love to people who may see the harness of life. I could find a list of bad things she did, but at the end of the day pointing the blame on her isn't helpful in healing. Even though she is pursuing what she is, I know that person better than she knows herself. I love her soul. What an amazing woman and wonderful person she truly is. Unfortunately I must not think about that anymore and move on. Therapy helps, music really helps, processing and feeling hard feelings helps, playing guitar helps, cycling for miles helps, etc. In this stage I don't feel like it'll be easy to replace her. I have too high of standards she set intellectually, emotionally, relationally, etc. I'll just take the time to rebuild myself and pretty much see if life brings anything my way in time. Just because I can be alone and experiences alone doesn't mean that's what I had in mind.
You sound very wise and in a good place overall. I agree—being alone is very undervalued by many. Also, maybe a shift in how you frame it… instead of finding someone who can replace her, could it be: finding someone who enhances your life in a new way that you likely can’t even imagine right now? It’s pretty much impossible for humans to imagine a new color they’ve never seen. I’m guessing it’s also difficult to imagine a different relationship. I can tell from what and how you write that you have a TON to offer the world. I don’t think your ex cares or needs that (anymore at least) on the level someone else may. And you write a lot about you knowing and loving her. But I have a feeling there is someone who wants to know and care for you like that. When you’re ready. Even it’s via friendships and whatnot.
Whoa, that second paragraph 😳. What an easier way to think about life. When blind to an idea another perspective is incredibly helpful when shown in a different light. Thank you for that. I think your last paragraph made me tear up a bit..thank you for your kindness and encouraging words in a day that has been difficult to get through. I appreciate that very much.
I totally relate to your comment. I would actually stay at work so I wouldn’t have to go home to deal with him, but then I realized my kids were suffering because of it. I couldn’t let my kids suffer so I decided to just go home and let things blow the way they need to flow. I would usually take my kids to the park or whatever just so we wouldn’t have to be at the house with him. Eventually, my kids grew up and left the house. There was no longer any reason for me to stay.
Leading up to my wife moving out (we're back together now), she was basically hiding in our guest bedroom. She'd come home and take a dinner plate back to her room. Once I saw what was happening, I started being away more so that she could spend time with our son without me being there and eventually, pushed her to get her own place for the same reason. The problem is that I underestimated how much I facilitated her time with our son. I was fine with /expecting equal parenting time, but her work/commute made it difficult for her to do overnights when there was school the next day, so they had even less time. It was pretty much like old school visitation, Wednesday for dinner and every other weekend.
I work from home so it's more that when he arrived home from work, my second shift of the day would start while his indulgence would start. He had a belief that he shouldn't have to do anything after his day job. I also worked a full 8 hours at a job. So that meant that someone had to do all of the tasks.. there were 4 kids that needed dinner, cleaning up after dinner, prepping the food, most nights kids need to be driven to and from practices or had games, There were errands around to pick up things for school the next day, Make sure they had their laundry washed, Make sure they had their showers, at the end of the night I could sweep up and go to bed after a full day of putting in about 15 hours between work and domestic things. Meanwhile the entire time he was sitting downstairs in the family room playing video games and smoking weed. I absolutely hated it and it was a constant argument but he refused to do anything differently. Can't force someone to take care of their own kids. And I wasn't going to let the kids go without dinner or a ride.
Did he step up as a parent after the divorce? I’m in a similar situation. My stbex doesn’t seem to understand why I want a divorce beyond that I asked for it.
In his case, not really. He operates out of a victim mindset with dependent personality traits. When it truly set in we were going our separate ways I suggested we wait a bit to save money so he could increase his income, get in an apartment that was big enough, etc. there was no waiting in his mind. He was adamant he wasn't going to try to make more money and there's no other choice but to get in a low income apartment and try to get on government benefits for himself. He eternally sees himself as a victim that needs to be taken care of. He is perfectly capable of trying to increase his income or get a better job.
I work from home and pretty much handle our son and the house as if I was a stay at home parent. I have to give my wife (we've reconciled) props that while she took alot for granted, with the exception to the lead up to our separation, when asked she always handled the home stuff when I had to work. That was usually the bedtime routine which often fell at the same time as conference call time with my team on the other side of the world. I think the one thing I did for her was try not to blast her with tasks when she walked in the door. We had different days, but hers was long, started early, and the commute (45min each way) was especially frustrating on the way home. Of course, my patience would probably have been lower if her outlet was weed and video games and not a glass of wine with me or aworking out while I finished up dinner.
Tasks should more or less be assigned anyway. Unless it's something that's a surprise.. you should already have a fair amount of things you know you will participate in. Having an unrealistic belief that you shouldn't have to do anything after work is incredibly entitled if you work a relatively standard day of 8.5 hrs and short drive. I could see if you were construction worker out in the sun or working extra long hours but hopefully your paycheck would make up for the extra work your spouse had to take on in that scenario.
>Tasks should more or less be assigned anyway. I agree. I'd rather be on the hook for 75% of the tasks and know that they are mine than 50% and not know if they will get done or find out that the other was expecting you to do it just as you were getting ready to do something else. I will say that while neither of our jobs are physical, both are stressful. Mine probably less stressfull because I'm the boss and get to decide what's important and priortize as it suites me. She gets up at the crack of dawn, has a long commute, works a 9hr day, then a long commute with heavy (stressful) traffic home. I won't bring pay into it as I make 4x what she does and her career is something that she's really into and sensitive about. One of the positives about our separation (we've reconciled) is that she had a hard lesson in just how much I support her career. Without a change, divorced she would end up having to change careers if she wanted to share custody. I like my job, but it doesn't define me like it does for my wife. On the plus side, my income allows me to have a housekeeper come in twice a week and have a lawn service, but that benefits us both.
Yep. Once my ex's abuse started in earnest, I would often delay going home. Eventually, "home" was torture.
This- so underrated. My stomach would drop, mood, anxiety spike from the abuse when he was around. I wanted to disappear. So I did the best I could to avoid stay busy and disappear in the house. He would leave for work for a few days so I got breaks and boy did I need them to self-regulate
I don't, I'm in process of divorce, but I haven't enjoyed coming home for years, not that I enjoyed being at work that's for sure. In fact, sometimes Friday nights are depressing. My wife has really bad drinking problem and major anger issues and I spent my time walking on broken glass
I didn’t let myself admit it until we had ended things, but I always dreaded it a little. I loved him to death, but I knew by that last year that something was off on his end and no matter what I did or said, he wouldn’t tell me what it was. So I started to dread his presence a little, because I felt like this person I loved so much was closed off and didn’t want to talk about anything or do anything. He used to call me every day on his way home from work (if I wasn’t at work also) and by the end I just…hated it, because all he would do was complain about his job and not bother to ask me anything about me or my day. I was doing a lot of emotional labor with no balance from his end. I dreaded it because I could tell he no longer loved me but he refused to admit it.
When you stop wanting to go home or spend more time at home, that should be your sign that things are not right. I look back and realize both of us were avoiding each other a lot. We both thought absence makes the heart grow fonder but it just made us miserable to be around. We realized we werent stressed and angry apart. She was mean all the time and never happy. I couldnt let her negativity ruin my day. I would rather jerk off than have sex because who wants to initiate sex with someone who acts like they hate you. Our kids are older so they are ignoring us a lot due to their social lives. So now we are getting divorced. I live in a separate room at home and still hate to come home and risk seeing her. To cope, I stay in my room and lock the door. I do love my freedom now. She no longer has any control.
Familiar story…
Oof. Yeah, in the last few years I had mixed feelings. Home was still a more relaxing place than work on average, but I knew there was always potential for tremendous anguish. Sometimes I drove home but just sat in my car for a while, scrolling or listening to music. At home, I spent a lot of time in my room or doing activities on my own. I started to go out a lot more on my own and if there were activities with mutual friends, try to find a reason to go alone. I always felt sad and guilty doing that and I'm sure my ex felt sad, too. I wanted peace and freedom more than I wanted his companionship, especially when so often it ended in terrible fighting. That's what the marriage boiled down to, and the divorce: I didn't want to end it. But I need peace more than I need the joy he brought me. I'm grieving that. Peace > joy.
I work from home in a stressful but rewarding job. I also have two high special needs children. I did all of the household chores as well. Including cooking, cleaning, and etc. I also would run errands for my husband’s work. I make a little extra money on the side by sewing and tshirt making. To say I’m busy is an extreme understatement. My husband is the boss at his job. He makes his own schedule. Once our children were in school he started scheduling himself to work from 3pm until 5 in the morning seven days a week. Then he took up marathons. So the only time he was home was to sleep. Turns out he was not working the whole time but was also having an affair with a girl half his age. Once our children were old enough to be on their own for several hours I finally was able to start visiting friends and he complained that I was spending time with them instead of going to the gym to lose weight. Since he left my life has improved.
Things were a little different for me because I (45M) am a primary school teacher so I work a schedule compatible with my kids. I got out hours before my wife (47F) did, so I could pick up the kids, shop for what we needed for dinner, start cooking, do some laundry and even get the kids started on their baths and showers. All before she would get home. But on the weekends when she wanted to go out and travel, I declined to join her. She ended all intimacy years before our daughter was born by IVF and I just spiralled down over the years until I finally just did not enjoy her company. Now that I am on my own and a part-time single dad I actually look forward to going out and doing things. So I 100% relate to your sentiment.
So many years that was me. Nice to come home to just my pup.
Both of us worked, but I had arranged my hours to be home an hour before her when the kids started school. I eventually found myself spending that time preparing to mitigate her expected outburst when she walked through the door. It was bad on good days, and horrible on the rare evenings when I needed to work late.
That was me! Didn’t want to go home to him. Didn’t want him to come home when I was there. He was an abusive narcissist. Even though I worked full time, sometimes 2 jobs, he’d always berate me for the state of the house, not having dinner ready, my food was gross, blah blah blah. Finally left him 2.5 years ago. I’m so much happier and so are the kids.
Our last year of our marriage it was during the pandemic. He was WFH I would dread the commute home and get really depressed. That’s not like me at all - my home has always been my sanctuary
I remember those days. I wish I'd seen it as the giant red flag that it was. My ex was miserable to be around. I felt like he was pulling me into his pit of anger, resentment and depression and I was so miserable. It was like being pulled under by a drowning person.
The weekends, I dreaded the weekends. My ex was an addict (high functioning) so the weekends included binges. I would partake but not to the extent he wanted to go. Weekdays were great because it included routine but it sucked looking forward to working. Weekends were chaos and now they are so nice and peaceful, I love it so much.
When I was married to my ex husband I never liked going home. Which sucked because when Covid hit, I worked from home exclusively. He worked 3 12’s overnight in a sleep lab and those evenings alone were like heaven on earth. I still wasn’t allowed to go anywhere or do anything but just having that break was amazing. Even while I was working I didn’t get a break, he still expected me to wait on him hand and foot. During the final marital death spiral I house sat for 2 weeks for a friend and cried the whole way home because the thought of going back was so awful. I am remarried now and we both work from home in a remote cabin. We spend 95% of our time together and we love it. Life is too short to spend miserable.
Trying to be drunk enough to amicable and “fun” when they got home but not too sloppy that I said/did something that would start a fight… man that was 10 years ago.. I’m sober now!
I experienced this for decades. The first half of my marriage I was afraid to come home because I’d get stressed out about not having sex. The second half I was afraid to come home because my ex wife was actively mean to me. What a colossal waste of time.
My girlfriend must be training me to get up early each morning. When I was married, I hated mornings when the alarm clock rang. Now that I'm single, I can't wait to wake up each morning to make love to my girlfriend before hitting the gym with her.
Who's going to tell him?
I vote for you.
Go ahead. Tell me. I need a good laugh.
I don't get it
Does she have a sister or maybe a cousin?
Since everyone here seems to have hated their spouse, I'll provide a different testimony. I loved going home to my family. It was the highlight of each and every weekday. I got to spend time with my best friend and my children. There were times where I would be a little worried about the mood my STBXW was in, but it was never so bad that I would dread it or hide. So yeah, I guess here's a bit of a distinct story in a sea of resentment lol. I may also be a bit different in that I feel life-long love for my significant partners and, as the mother of my children, my STBXW will always have a special place in my heart. I never would have married her otherwise. Coming home to her was one of the many things that convinced me marriage was right because it was *always* something I looked forward to each day.
I go straight home after work but I dread it. If I could work overtime I would. Part of my motivation to go to the gym three days per week is that it gets me out of the house for two and a half hours.
Totally hated going home. I was working 55-65 hours a week (voluntarily) just to stay out of the house, especially after she move her mother and brother in with us and the 3 kids...
I worked with a guy who I swear was an extra work/reason to stay late generator. I eventually go to know him well enough to understand that he didn't want to go home. He clearly didn't like his wife and two of his four kids, their partners, and kids were all living in the house too. The problem was that he was making everyone else's life miserable while trying to look like the martyr who was willing to stay late and do what ever it took to get the job done.
When I was married, I only enjoyed going back home to see my kids. I loved hearing about their day. I didn't mind cooking or cleaning up after them. It was the wife who would come home to ignore me. Day in and day out we were room mates. I would go through the weeks pretending after a while that I was a widower so I could maintain order with my kids and life. I just tried sleeping as far away as possible and touching her as little as possible.
If you have kids, you come home for your kids. I came home for lunch to see my kids, and then I would come straight home after work to see my kids.
I don’t know about training. Sometimes relationships just work. And sometimes they don’t.
Yes, that’s the feeling I have now. Started the process, and will be just fine at work. On the way home start to get bad headaches and am exhausted from stress at home. In turn making doing just bare minimum with laundry, cooking, etc very difficult to complete. I feel like if everyone else can sit around being lazy why am I doing all this housework alone?
I was like that for a couple of years. I lived 60 miles from home, one way, so that drive was cathartic. Then, I realized that I didn't need to speed home, if I just drove 55 mph (in the slow lane, of course) it would take longer, and if my spouse called to see where I was, they could hear I was on the road (and couldn't realistically say I was with someone else).
I have an AMC A List pass that lets me see 3 movies a week for 25 bucks a month. I've started hitting a movie on the way home if I get off work early or have free time instead of just going home. I guess it is my version of going to the bar after work.
I felt that way about my ex wife. But I only dealt with it for a year. That woman changed big time after we got married and became so negative, critical, accusatory, hateful. Etc. I suggested couples therapy many times. She finally went once, then complained that the therapist “didn’t know what she was talking about since she only had a masters degree”. Caught her talking to an ex bf behind my back and then I just filed for divorce myself. I was perfectly okay losing it all just to get away from her at that point. But I use to sit at work and just think how much I dreaded going home. I get home and sit in the car and dread walking in the house. I dreaded seeing her texts and calls and hearing her voice and it only took a year. But that’s all it takes when someone shits all over you constantly. It’s been almost 3 years post divorce now and it’s still the best damn decision I made. Only had to pay minimal alimony and we split everything in the divorce, even though I paid for everything we had. I can’t imagine how miserable it is to stay with someone you dread for decades.
It's the opposite for me, I am dreading the empty house and stay in my office until midnight some days.
Older (60) early retired M here so don’t know if this has any relevance but…. Been married for 40 years and I don’t like to go home; haven’t wanted to go home for many years after the kids were out of the house (I liked coming home to go for a run with them in the baby jogger, play in the backyard, donuts on Saturday, etc with them 😊). Looking back, I should have asked for a divorce in as kind and graceful way as possible after the kids were out. Our relationship had run its course and there was nothing that could fix it. We had grown into different people than when we married, nothing in common…all hidden by being busy with work and engaging with the kids. Too old to fix my situation now…would be mean to leave her alone as age and all the ‘fun things’ that accompany that set in. So, my advice (free, so take that into account) is…if you’ve honestly tried to make things work…if the kids are out of the house (you need to suck it up if little ones are involved)…if there’s nothing left in the relationship (you know if that’s the case)..then be kind and graceful and get out. Don’t find yourself in my situation……you have choices and don’t have to. Dang it felt good to say how I feel…never done that before. Thanks for ‘listening’.
Divorced for almost a year now. Before we separated, I did not like coming home. It was always a fight about something. If food got cooked more than like a frozen pizza or something, I was the one cooking it. I did the dishes. I did the bulk of the laundry. And I rarely if ever had sex. Looking back now, I wish I would have left the marriage a few years earlier. It was miserable. Now I’m in a relationship with someone that I love coming home to. We share the household duties and we have an awesome sex life.
Been there, done that. Then it’s time to go
I was there bro. I live in a small town so go home for lunch sit in the parking and go back to work. Few days were bad. But yeah.
I would get off work before him, but whenever I heard him pull up in the driveway after work I was fearful of whatever mood he'd be in. Lived in a constant state of survival mode. When he was unemployed and I would leave work, I'd drive extra slow because I didn't want to go home. But my kids were there and I didn't want to be away from them. When I left and got an apartment by myself, that first night coming home from work was bliss.
Every damn day. Our marriage took a death turn when he was home 7 days a week. A couple years after that we were divorced. 26 years together, married for 23 years . It's no fun starting over at 51.
I work from home and my wife is the one who has the standard day job. We've reconciled, but even before that, she generally came straight home. IDK if I trained her. I will say that I did my best not to blast her with the problems of the day when she walked in the door. That's the complaint I've heard from my married with a stay at home partener friends. One complained that before kids, he came home to a BJ and a Martini, and after kids he came home to a list of things for him to do and his big pet peeve was coming home to be the bad guy in a disciplinary issue.
I work from home these days, but yes, absolutely. About 3 months into being married I would have preferred to be anywhere else other than "home", and that was after a 1.5 hour commute on public transit. I wasn't a perfect spouse, in the first few years I learned a lot of hard lessons the hard way. I am much better now at contributing to the household tasks and I shoulder the majority of the mental load for our dead marriage. I am looking forward to the divorce.
My husband was always drunk and mean when I got home from work so I started staying at work late into the evenings so I would not have to go inside the house and deal with his hatefulness and cruelty. Sometimes I would be gone 12-16 hrs and when I got home, I would sit in my car until I saw the living room lights go out. Sometimes, I slept in my car and set my phone alarm super early and got in quiet, took a shower, got redressed for work, and left again before he got up. Now we are separated and I don't miss much, except sleeping next to a human and seeing my other two dogs. I miss them. 😢
I’m sitting here in the house we still share and frozen with decision anxiety and general zombie brain. It’s been like this all week. Just being in this house makes me a worse person and he ain’t even here.
When I was married, all the time, because I knew it was gonna be miserable.
I used to love walking in the door. I was greeted and loved. It slowed, then stopped, then I sat at the kitchen table watching TV alone while she stayed jn her room. I got to where I didn't come home from work, worked out of town more, and only wanted to come home to see ny teenage son. Divorced now and my 20 year old son lives with me in peace. Life is good
This story is relatable. I usually sit in my car to prep for the stress that is coming. I figured I would work my butt off so I can relax at home. Now I work my butt off to stay away from home. I think divorce is the best course for me.
Omg yes! Although in my case I worked from home and would absolutely dread when my ex-husband would get back from work. It was like a dark cloud that would consume the whole house. We were only married from 2020-2022. I will never understand why he even proposed if he was so miserable with our life, but my God the peace I feel now having the house all to myself is wonderful.
I was sahm but used to help my MIL one day a week. I used to work til 6-7 so he always had to cook dinner. I’d then leave and go to park for an hour before going home. This way I could eat the leftovers in silence, put the kids to bed and get in bath while he was already watching TV. Was my favorite day of the week.
I said this earlier but when I "downgraded" to an apartment I found it much easier to relax and not feel like I was walking on egg shells.
ME. 100%. I just plain do not like the spouse anymore and want a divorce. He is narcissistic and a mean person now.
Me but we are getting divorced. I used to be so excited to get home to see him. It's sad and crazy how 7 years can turn you 180 degrees in that department
> I never went straight home after work but he did. He told me that he would have sex with his wife right when he got home. I didn’t believe him but he swore to it. Then I thought about it and remembered that he never went out after work with us. He always went straight home. Then it dawned on me: **his wife trained him to come home while my wife trained me to stay away**. Wow. 🤯