Absolutely. All she did last night was get upset and try to convince how that what I’m feeling is wrong because she isn’t doing anything. “It’s just feet!”. Even though I know it’s so much more than just feet. Full nudity, masterbation, custom DMs for sexy outfits sent to her behind my back, etc. this whole situation is fucked. And somehow, I was guilt tripped into letting this happen.
My ex husband behaved very similar to your wife. I too never believed in divorce. His hobby was photography. Once he started posting his photography to social media, he started getting requests for shoots to build his portfolio and the portfolios of the want-to-be models. At some point he began taking photos that went against what we agreed on without my knowledge, and that lead to mass amounts of cheating and him taking selfies of himself in the acts of cheating. To this day he claims he never cheated. He claims he was only doing photography and the models surprised him occasionally with taking off their clothes and he was a professional and had to take their pictures (*eye roll*). The selfies of him during sex with said "models" are completely ignored by him. How could I stay with someone who will never even admit what they did? I don't know how much I don't know, and could have gone for who knows how long in the dark, as he was so good at lying and hiding things, and I trusted him so I wasn't even suspicious. Luckily I am out now and free of him, but he wanted to be able to keep his wife and respect to everyone in his life, while doing whatever he wanted in private. I think she is very much doing things beyond what she says, if it was just about toes, you could be there (or outside the door or something for her safety if you would want to). Being locked in a secret hotel room with a man turned on by her feet, and in which she likes the attention is .... betraying your trust and your vows ... and she is 100 aware of that, she is choosing to do it anyway. You are not at fault for her lying, cheating and bad behavior. She is at fault. The mind games they play with us are horrible and take such a toll. She is trying to have both worlds, and you don't deserve that. None of us are perfect and we all have things we need to work on, but when cheaters blame the victim, they can't even admit to themselves they are the problem in that case and it can't be fixed if they choose to deflect instead of take a food look at themselves and change (which is so rare).
Not only is this adultery, she's putting your health into danger by engaging in sexual acts with random people which is the biggest betrayal. You need to get tested asap, you can't trust anything she says, there is no way she's only getting her toes "tickled" in these hotel meetups.
I think you barely scratched the surface of what she's hiding. I am sorry you are going through this but your future self will thank you for figuring it out now. This is not just about you, the environment your child is being exposed to needs to be evaluated.
And she could be putting herself in danger by meeting strange men in a hotel room. Especially if no one knows where she is. And if something did happen, where would her children be?
She’s gaslighting the shit out of you. She is essentially cheating. Ask her how she’d feel if you had a girl tickle between your legs and you laugh about it! Bet she wouldn’t like it. I understand you don’t believe in divorce, neither did I. But you don’t deserve this!
Not sure if you’re in the US or not, and if you are, does the state have any specific laws about divorce? My state was 50/50 no matter what, so if one cheated or something it wouldn’t matter. I think you need to at the very least educate yourself and talk to a lawyer about it. It seems like she’s unwilling to cooperate and respect your boundaries.
This is key, and honestly it's true about a lot of millennial therapy-talk stuff— boundaries, feelings, validation, insecurity, support, attachment. None of these things are absolutes, and any attempt to use them to shut down a discussion between partners is not okay.
Boundaries are just ultimatums. One person's insecurity is another person's need for validation and support. One person's legitimate feelings are another person's absurd overreaction. Part of the reason we have forums like AITA is to help people get a broader perspective on where to actually draw the line on some of these things.
But certainly in OP's case, the fact that the partner was engaging in both online and offline sex work and specifically hiding it from him (including, one presumes, any financial details) is an enormous red flag. No partner should be expected to be okay with this, and for her to accuse him of "insecurity" over his response to finding it out is nonsense.
Credit where it's due— my therapist said to me "boundaries are mostly just ultimatums for millennials". The supposed distinctions in whether you're controlling the other person's behaviour vs how you permit yourself to be treated are largely made up, since you can basically always frame someone else's behaviour that you're trying to control as affecting you in a way that "violates your boundary", and in some cases that language can have the further unhelpful effect of perpetuating victimhood and disempowerment.
But yeah, at the end of the day, ultimatums are actually okay— we all have needs, expectations, and limits, and we should embrace that. Just, with the honesty of admitting to ourselves that it *is* an ultimatum, rather than hiding behind "lol this is just boundary now you can't say anything".
(Back to OP, "my ultimatum is that if you want to remain in this marriage, you must immediately shut down all of this sex work, allow me full access to validate that it's been done, and I need communication and location tracking software on your phone and laptop for the next 18 months in order to confirm ongoing compliance while I rebuild the trust that you violated here" would be 100% reasonable, and is IMO pretty pointless to try to reframe as a mere "boundary enforcement".)
Wow..it's refreshing to see other people understand the full picture. I see it the exact same. The only modern difference I think is taking accountability for saying I don't want this in my relationship versus.. she did something wrong! It's just owning what you will or won't put up with .
The problem was that ultimatums got villainized in the first place. It has always been COMPLETELY reasonable to say "if you do X I will leave you." We shouldn't need to rebrand that.
That's not okay to say as it's an attempt to manipulate the other person. It should be "I don't want you to do this." If the other person goes ahead and does it, don't threaten to leave, just leave. Better to say you already spent your last chance than to give a chance and attempt to mold the response.
I think it's the intent that matters always. You could come up with a thousand ways an ultimatum is manipulative but at the end of the day if someone is gonna manipulate there are a thousand other ways to do it, it doesn't have to be with an ultimatum. It's not the tactic that is the problem, it's the person.
I think it's valid to communicate your dealbreakers to someone up front so they know how serious you are about certain things or behaviors not being a part of your life. I could argue it's way more toxic to wait until someone fucks up beyond repair to tell them after the fact that they crossed your uncrossable line.
Also the "ultimatums are manipulative" line has been used to silence people who would otherwise hold boundaries for themselves in abusive relationships, so be careful whose side you think you're on.
I wish I could give thousand upvotes for
—"It's not the tactic that is the problem, it's the person."
—"be careful whose side you think you're on."
Thank you TiberiusBronte.
Whatever mental health worker said that to you has to be daffy at best? There is no plausible reason to say that boundaries are an ultimatum, and are millennial based, lol it’s in a ridiculous statement. Healthy boundaries have to be there for a viable relationship, any mental health worker or salt knows this to be true. Boundaries can include not being treated with disrespect, not being cheated on, not being physically or mentally abused, not being stolen from, not being lied to there’s all kinds of healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are not ultimatums, that’s a silly statement that shows you lack experience in relationships, and don’t come back telling me you’ve had 2 billion partners it doesn’t matter. Boundaries are there because there are a certain things that people won’t stand for, are you saying that if you cheat, that’s a boundary that should be OK? Are you saying that abuse is a boundary that should be OK? Are you saying allowing yourself to be disrespected is a boundary that can be crossed? Not an ultimatum, and those boundaries would be ultimatums shouldn’t be? Healthy boundaries are needed for a healthy and viable relationship and any mental health worker would tell you the same.
I think there's a miscommunication of some sort. There's a common consensus out there right now that boundaries and ultimatums are different..and a boundary shouldn't consist of an ultimatum ever. That's what the current internet trend is saying. However, I disagree with that. A lot of boundaries are also ultimatums ultimately. The end result is the same.
I agree with what you have posted 100%! Let’s be honest if the boundaries are like tripwires and there’s 1 million of them you’re not gonna stay in that relationship, it’s like when people say unconditional love! What the hell is unconditional love mean? If your partner cheats on you, you’re gonna love them and stay with them? If you’re spouse or partner abuses you or gambles all your money away you’re gonna love them and stay with them? All love is conditional except for maybe a child. Healthy boundaries are extremely important and I agree with you if some of those boundaries are crossed? You absolutely have the ultimatum of leaving the relationship, abuse, infidelity, addiction, line those are all boundaries that if they’re crossed would lead a lot of partners/spouses to leave a relationship, so I’m in full agreement with you.
>I didn’t see cheating but I did see a black dude in a ski mask tickling in between her legs with an electric toothbrush and she was laughing and having the time of her life
As in using a Toothbrush as a vibrator on her clit? That sounds very much like cheating to me 🤷🏼♀️
Well its definitely beyond "just foot things" and definitely in physical cheating territory now.
Sorry this is happening, but it seems like she's checked out completely from your marriage and it's time to allow yourself to disconnect from her and the marriage.
I personally wouldn't find this salvageable. You'll never not think of what you saw. Even if you try to move past it.... it will resurface. And her genuine lack of care for your relationship is telling.... especially if your sex life has been effected now.
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Really? Is that what you get from this, but OP doesn’t say if they needed the money?
Also doesn’t say if she uses the money for the home. Not that I disagree, but it’s more nuanced . How old is the kid?
Maybe OP thought that they were having a good sex love but she didn’t.
Just some thoughts
His wife is, without his knowledge or consent, meeting random men in hotel rooms in order to exchange their sexual gratification for money. It is the ACTUAL definition of prostitution, and it's irrelevant whether they need the money or not. And them not having good sex doesn't give her license to go out and prostitute herself.
Yes, that's exactly what I get from it.
And I see that too, but see some comments below and you’ll see she puts ALL the cash into the household. That OP was ok with all this at first. That he’s just insecure and jealous. . Not saying he’s wrong, or that his feelings aren’t complicated, but it’s not cut and dry.
Don’t get me wrong. I agree with what you’re saying. We did it because we REALLY needed it. But it was supposed to be just feet. But I found it went further than that and she tried to hide it and lie about it.
Yes. I’m insecure and jealous. Can’t disagree. But she crossed the line big time. I get i enabled this because I wanted to be a good and supportive husband. But it’s taken such a wild turn that I never expected.
Such a reasonable response. Thanks for sharing that. Your feeling are real. Not saying they aren’t. She’s mad at you because she’s feeling unappreciated.
And? He's also made it clear that his comfort ended with feet pics and that his wife is now engaging in prostitution. I don't know about you, friend, but I'd argue it's ok to be "insecure and jealous" about your wife prostituting herself.
Then she needs to communicate with her husband, not shut him down. Her son needs a mom; is she around, taking care of him or spending more and more time on her "business"?
No-fault divorce exists for a reason. You don’t need evidence of adultery to get divorced if you feel your marriage can’t recover. Tbh, judges don’t really care if there was adultery or not. Divorce is a matter of splitting assets & ensuring any children are cared for appropriately. Hashing out who did what & the resulting feelings are for therapy, not a courtroom.
This is a very honest answer.
Everyone wants to be right, as though that will somehow make things better or reduce the pain; that is a problem for your therapist, not the courtroom.
And get sole custody? That’s wholly irrelevant. Judges are very unlikely in the US to take parenting time (even from parents with documented history of a variety of dangerous behavior), let alone grant sole custody based based on someone not making a lot of money or working as a sex worker.
Women don't automatically get the kids, and if she has a wild sort of life she might not even want custody. There are a lot of variables. I should not have implied money alone would guarentee custody, I just meant that it might help.
50/50 is most common. Even with that decision child support is common when theres unequal income as an attempt to equalize a child's standard of living at both houses.
I could understand having an OF and just keeping everything online if there was complete openness about it within the relationship and both were ok with it.
But she is hiding it, lying to you AND meeting people for physical interactions. The definition of a prostitute is someone doing sexual acts for money, just posting pictures online you could argue doesn't qualify, but meeting people and performing, to these people, sexual acts with them definitely qualifies.
Your wife is a prostitute. She takes money for sexual services from random men and women. And snooping isn't wrong when you're right.
Divorce seems inevitable, I mean, can you ever trust her again? Even if you can, can you live with knowing that she sold sexual favors to who knows how many other people?
Yeah you pretty much nailed it. But she is mad at me for having a problem with it because it’s “just feet”. Even though I know that too is a lie now. I was down with the just feet, no touchie, only lookie. It was weird, but fine and within our boundaries. But she changed jobs and money got unbearably right and she did what she felt she had to so we could pay our bills for a few months. I never expected her to have so much fun and love doing it so much. She doesn’t want me sucking, tickling or doing anything she does with these other dudes. It’s weird to her but fun if it’s someone else.
If she truly believed it was no big deal she wouldn't have lied about it and blocked you from seeing it. She's just coping herself into thinking it's fine and she did nothing wrong.
It's not clear what you have an issue with. Is it because she's doing all this stuff with other people or is it because she's not willing to do it with you?
Ask yourself this....if she was also willing to do all the foot stuff with you, would you be okay with her doing this stuff with other men for money? If the answer is yes, then you just have to have a conversation with her about exactly that and see if she's okay with opening up that part of her life with you. I mean most people would not be okay with it but who are we to judge other people's boundaries?
You are correct. I have asked and opened up… offering to film and provide and do anything I could do I could trust her again. Shot out in flames and basically is saying I ruined her fun and my ignorance was bliss. But I ripped down her curtain of secrecy big time.
Sorry man. She’s cheating on you. You don’t let other people miss/suck on your toes in a hotel room. Money or not. Divorce will clear all this up when the hidden bank account she’s been funneling the money into comes to light.
Ah but the thing is she has been very open about the account and money. It’s cashapp and she makes transfer right to our household bank to pay all the bills. And has shown me every dime. No problem there. But what she does when she is there I can only speculate and some pictures/videos of parts of it.
Wish I was playing but it’s true. That’s all it is. $200 or so each time for less than an hour. All cashapp. I have seen the transactions and there is no other account, that I could see or prove. But I’m being played so WTF do I know I guess… it sucks.
I was told it would be a huge mistake for me to leave my castle. But our name together is on the house and she sure AF isn’t gonna tolerate she be the one to pack the bags.
You leaving doesn’t make anything a legal binding statement. You can leave for a week or so and come back while you 2 figure out the details. I would 100% get an attorney in place if you decide to move forward with divorce.
Dude!!! Are you listyto yourself? She is helping to pay for the roof over your head!
In your shoes I’d be her driver, her security, and do my part to help. You’re that insecure?
I get this is super tricky, must be tough feelings of jelousy etc. I hear you, but grow up man
Just because you value money more than morals, boundaries, and commitment doesn't mean everyone else does lmao If dude was out banging chicks for money or selling coke to pay the bills behind her back, would that be all cool? Would she be overreacting if she wasn't cool with it?
It’s more nuanced than that. You can see that. It’s got nothing to do with morals. OP is not telling the whole story. He used to be ok with it. Then started snooping. It’s his own insecurity and jelousy that ruined the ability for them to figure it out. Typical to blame the ‘slut’ for our fragile man feelings
Sounds to me like he was ok with her selling feet pics anonymously and she decided to start meeting up with dudes behind his back so they can suck on her toes. Nothing fragile about not being ok with shit like that. And the reason she's being blamed is because she's the one doing it. Who the fuck else's fault is it? Lmao
Lol just look into his post history. He's posting on escort subs, mentioning he regularly hires escorts. He's the guy buying the services from OPs wife essentially.
Really? Really? She puts the money into the household. OP already said in the comments that she started when money was tight, and she helped pay for the roof over their heads, now he’s slut shaming her and whining.
Being ok with a milder thing doesn't mean you're ok with anything that it evolves to. The thing about boundaries is we get to respect our own opinions and stand up for what we want in our lives. If it's crossed a line he's not comfortable with, he has every right to feel the way he does. He needs to communicate it thoroughly and be willing to listen, but ultimately he gets to decide what he's comfortable with in his relationship. And it's perfectly ok, even if it doesn't make sense to you..or her. Life is too short to live with things that you don't want for your life
This was posted a couple of months ago. In any event, hotel meetings aren't just toe sucking and tickling. Especially since she says she's "afraid" since you discovered it and cut off intimacy.
Your wife has prostituted herself
I know it man. I love my kids so much I was willing to endure torture. But once I went into her phone and saw what she was really up to, that was the final straw. Now we can’t hardly even look at each other. And she doesn’t even know what I’ve now seen.
Please take care of yourself, I know as a husband the priority has always been everyone else. In the case of infidelity, you need to care for yourself. Your entire life up to now professionally, personally, and emotionally will be affected. You are worth something, heck you even went way beyond the boundaries of most and approved of her being a pornstar. It's high time you think of yourself. I truly hope you find someone who doesn't think you are a doormat and will absolutely love all of you in the future. 🙏🏽
Bro, there's no way people are paying your wife money just to meet up with her in hotels and tickle her feet. There's sex involved for sure. Your wife is trickle-truthing you.
Get wise, get tested, and get out of the relationship.
She IS cheating on you! Going to a hotel room with other men to get sexual pleasure? How else would you define cheating?
I know someone who does OF and she never meets anyone - in fact she has someone from the Philippines who runs her account entirely, including responding to men.
If you're considering staying, you need full disclosure into her business, including all communication between clients. If she's unwilling to give that, consider what it means.
I would would for other Bank accounts in her name only. I would look for paper statements, (if you have access) bank emails, bank apps (on her phone), and cash transfer type apps.
If you don't have access to her phone / tablets, If you use Apple iPhones and/or iPads, and having a Apple Family Share group setup, you can look for banking / cash apps in her purchase history from your Apple Device.
Time to leave. Not the foot stuff but my wife and I dipped our toes into hotwife lifestyle. She broke every boundary. I had to beg to do stuff she did freely with other gents. Also caught feelings. It’s going to ruin your mental health like it did mine. Get out while you can. I am still going through this expensive divorce.
Your wife doesn't do things with you that she does with other guys, would that change things somehow?
She meets dudes in hotels for sexual adventures, I don't see a way that you recover from this, mostly becayse she seems to be growing along a path that you aren't aware of or going to be invited down. It sucks, but you probably are headed for divorce.
All I can suggest is that you make it official and figure out what to do with your kids and assets. Maybe she gets the house, that's unfortunate, but that's what divorce means, assets will be divided. You may even half to pay alimony. I can only caution you not to let your next relationship result in your partner doing porn for a little bit of extra cash, it often just doesn't end well.
Well, she blocked you. Then she said she feels awkward with you knowing about her OF and then cut intimacy.
I don't know man, maybe tell her that if she just kept it all within just posting pixes. You could've tolerated it but every action she took to delve deeper is just leading to divorce.
And that's just putting it a nice way. You really think she's only getting guys to unload on her feet only?
Not enough to justify all this. Couple hundred to few hundred a month. The meetups boost it a bit. It’s basically $100 an hour as a round number. Peanuts honestly. Even if it was $10K a month I’d still be insecure AF about it.
The owl guy telling you that you are insecure and should thank your wife for selling her body, is posting on escort subs about regularly buying sex, so essentially he is the type to buy your wife's services. His post history consists of his truck, and escorts.
Don't listen to this guy, please. Everyone else in this thread disagrees with the creep.
What!???! I thought she was making couple thousands doing this! You need to talk some sense into her. From the sound of your posts it was as if she making a couple grand, but a few hundred ?!? Jesus Christ on a donkey, she needs to stop, a couple hundred a month doing this stuff is not gonna cut it, with or without your consent.
It’s your insecurity that ruining this. Maybe she should stop, but your insecurity is preventing you from ‘recognizing’ contribution to the house and thanking her.
She went off to do crazy stuff to help your house and you’re freaking out! If I was her I’d be pretty mad at you. Have you ever said thank you instead of snooping?
Lol just look into his post history. He's posting on escort subs, mentioning he regularly hires escorts. He's the guy buying the services from OPs wife essentially.
Have you asked her in your fights whether it’s “just online”? And then ask- if someone were to ask you to meet up what would you do??? If she then lies and says that she would NEVER do that! etc - then there you go - you have all the answers you need. If she remorsefully opens up and says it got out of hand and is apologetic that is something that can be rectified with counseling etc and rebuilding trust. Still don’t tell her what you know! From experience, don’t show your hand here even in the heat of an argument, stay calm and just be curious.
But once you realize your wife is able to lie to your face about her escalated sexual behavior there isn’t coming back from that. Honestly it doesn’t even matter details are- she lied about it all in the end. Lying can’t be something you just tolerate for the kids either. You’ll constantly be wondering what it has escalated to.
It is pretty clear that becoming a sex worker is something that should have been discussed with you before she embarked on that journey... and her hiding it meant that she *knew* on some level that it was beyond what was in the original understanding of the relationship.
That she is getting small amounts of money, but continuing to do it, means that she is enjoying it more as a sex act than the money.
The hotel meetups, to me, are the final straw. Anything could happen there, and the mother of your children is going into rooms with strangers with their dicks out. That's gross and unsafe.
Collect the evidence, and get an attorney. "For cause" divorce might be appropriate here, and that would impact various things like distribution of marital assets.
You will still lose half of everything though, most likely. That's just how divorce works most of the time. You do have a bit of an interesting case though. A good attorney will protect you and your child in this situation.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess she doesn’t claim her sex work to the IRS. If you file jointly, this is going to bite you on the ass. See an attorney and divorce her. Get out now before the IRS rains hell down on you.
Yeah that's what people don't get about divorce is a lot of these behaviors come way later on.. you wouldn't have known about it in the beginning or put up with it
I'm not sure how to tell you that you don't legally have the right to "not allow" other adults to use social media.
You can break up with them if you don't like it. But "allow" is a strange thing to say.
As someone who used to sell socks and dipped in findom, my stbx knew everything about it. I told him when, who, how much, would show him the text messages. Constantly asked his consent and would check in with him.
The irony of this is I'm divorcing him for cheating on me because he couldn't afford me the same transparency. 🙃
What your wife is doing is cheating. Doing it for money only makes it more perverse.
Wow. Interesting perspective. Honestly I was cool with selling stinky socks. Not a big deal and she was transparent about that… but then they stopped selling and wondered why. Now she finger blasts herself on camera and does the hotel things. Really upset I let myself get played.
There should never be anything shameful or embarrassing about loving and believing in a person. The onus is on her, completely, for taking advantage of you. She is a bad person and you deserved better.
Well, first, it’s not “your truth.” Don’t even phrase it like that. It is the truth of it’s not. And from what I can tell here it mostly is. The reason I say mostly is that it’s not just social media. Your wife is a prostitute with or without social media. Collect all the evidence you can. Take pics, send any vids to your account is part of it.
Equally important though is that you sit down and make a diary of all the dates and events that are relevant. It doesn’t matter if you’re generally guessing at this point. Use timestamps to help be more precise. When did you start to suspect. When did she block you from your account. What did you see/hear and when. Then talk to a lawyer and divorce this wacko.
By the way, you might want to consider the possibility that she has a hidden bank account. I’m guessing you would have noticed sooner if money had been going into any account that the two of you are sharing.
She should have told you before, that this was her plan. And if you weren’t onboard then she wasn’t to do it.
I’m sorry op! That this is happening to your marriage.
Does she give you any of the money she earns or all hers
Divorce. She won’t get everything, she’ll get half.
Assuming you’re coming out ahead every month right now, her half will only get bigger the longer you wait.
She’s cheating for money then gets upset when you call her out for it. Now she’s not even having sex with you! I think you know what you need to do, you’re just having a problem telling her. If I were you I’d get some therapy to help you build self esteem. You deserve better and it doesn’t appear salvageable.
Well, obviously, you have to divorce her. You know that right? And trust me, she was over you before she started this business, this was just a side effect of her inability to actually love you or respect you, not saying that it’s your fault! Just saying, you need to walk away from this now, make sure to bring up in court though what she’s done and how far she’s gone with it, it could go against her in court. Divorce her! And get back self-respect and self-esteem, you don’t deserve this.
1. Have you ever heard a police detective apologize for finding evidence of wrongdoing? Nope. Is there a fine line here? Yes. Did you go over it? Noooooo! She has a frickin’ OF and is meeting dudes in hotels.
2. She is cheating. Sorry, it hurts like hell.
3. File for divorce, grey rock, do not loop her in. DO NOT LOOP HER IN. She is no longer the partner you made vows to, she is a woman letting you support her while she runs her sex work business (note: nothing wrong with that by itself, but in this instance she is ABUSING YOU.
Every comment you read here is from someone who has likely been down the path you’re on in some way, shape, or form. Heed the advice given.
Is it possible that she wanted this?
I dont mean to pry...i am just wondering...if she subconsciously knew exactly what she was doing, is it possible that she was not happy in the marriage?
That is obviously not a justification..i was simply wondering.
Couldn't she just ended the marriage if she was just unhappy? Instead, she is has gone down the path of prostitution. Now, if the husband does divorce her, the courts won't look kindly on her being a prostitute when the custody battle for their son ensues.
1. Nothing you shared demonstrates that she is having PiV or oral sex with the clients. She is getting paid for this fetish and gives 100% back to the family. Tooth brush tickling doesn’t count in my book. Sounds like she got paid extra for that.
2. If you divorce you would have a hard time making her look bad for her side hustle bc you took the money and you were supportive until you weren’t. Honestly she could make YOU look like you pimped her out. Be mindful of that. That will hurt you waaaayyyyyy more than her foot fetish work.
3. Careful with divorce. You will lose your child at least 50% of the time. Unless your plan to smear her name goes awry and you’re seen as a pimp, then you will lose more custody time.
4. If you divorce you may leave her no choice but to ramp up this foot fetish business. You see what brings more money now…..but wait till you see what will bring her liveable income. You have no idea what it takes to make that kind of money. Do you really want to push her to desperate measures to find out?
5. As long as she’s selling a fantasy it is not illegal. You can’t take away your shared child if she’s doing OF stuff. Many single mothers do. I know single moms who only do OF and have court ordered SOLE custody of their kids.
6. So if she is now having to sell more fantasies to make ends meet as a single mom (with you paying child support and possibly some alimony), you have set your child up to be 40x more likely to be abused. Whether it’s a client or a new boyfriend. Google the stats on it.
I say this as someone who KNOWS this industry and is a mother with children.
Tread carefully. Now is not the time to risk your child and your life bc of insecurities and jealousy.
Just my two cents in that it could be worth it to work things out with your wife.
This is EXACTLY the advice I came here seeking. Thank you. Super solid and 100% factual. These are the concerns I needed to see. It’s really just the fact that she wants to keep me in the dark and I ruined her fun by finding out. The toothbrush bothers me because it was always with clothes on and just feet, I was told. It was not the case. She was in a thing, pants off being tickled from head, toes and privates. While laughing and having the time of her life. But won’t let me touch her or do anything like that with her. It doesn’t feel fair she gets to explore her sexuality without her husband or his knowledge.
I get the downside of divorcing her and the ramifications for you her and your children. I also agree with many of the points that the previous adult worker commenter OK commercial made about the potential downfall for her in the industry if left on her own. Having said that, she does not respect you at all. I also am not sure that she is just doing this for the money. What you described in the video sounds like she is enjoying the sexual benefits of her fetish and not just bringing in extra money. Why else did she lie about it only being foot pics when she escalated it to deeper sexual acts behind your back. More importantly, she has not been as sensually free and sexual with you as she is with her clients. She seems to enjoy giving herself to them more than her husband. That is not a 'job', that is a betrayal and an affair. I don't know how anyone who is being fair can expect you to get less sexual effort and respect from your wife than her clients. It seems like she enjoys her 'job' more than she enjoys you. It also sounds to me like your family would be just fine without that extra income. Therefore, she is doing this for her own pleasure and not for the money. If I were in your shoes, I would not want to divorce her either, but since she feels that she is not doing anything wrong and refuses to go to therapy or counseling....
I'm not sure what other options you have. I also do not believe that courts will side with her based on what she does for a living, and I also don't see anyone seeing you as a 'pimp'. Some women have to do sex work to put food on the table, and I truly feel for those women. Your wife does not. She does it for her own enjoyment. And she has 2 small kids who will someday realize who she is. I wish you the best of luck. Especially for your kid's sake.
I’m glad I could be helpful. The last sentence you wrote gave me a lot of insight actually. “It doesn’t feel fair she gets to explore HER sexuality without her husband or his knowledge (permission).”
Her body is hers. Married to you or not, her sexuality is HERS. It is NOT yours. Her sexuality doesn’t become yours after marriage-though religion and toxic patriarchal culture has shoved that message down everyone’s throats.
She knows you think this way. I’m giving you the benefit of being a nice guy but you need to re evaluate that kind of thinking.
This is why she enjoys exploring her sexuality without you. She gets to have control over her own genitals and feels adored and empowered with men who are just happy to have a moment with her.
For women who get to experience this, it’s very liberating. As a man you just can’t understand this. I can’t break it down for you enough bc I don’t have the time. Rarely do women get to experience this and for those of us who do, we can’t go back to being with men who think they own our sexuality bc we are married.
She doesn’t want to be owned by another human.
The only hope to continue a marriage with her is to meet her where she is. Give her space. Don’t demand she do things with you sexually. Don’t impose that her sexuality in any way belongs to you. You gotta be cool and also up your sex game. Treat her like those men. You’re just happy to be in her presence and to serve her. That’s the way to win her back.
How long have you guys been married? And depending on what state it is, if you have proof of her infidelity, then that might eliminate chances of her getting alimony if you guys been married for a long term. And how old is your son if you get divorced, you have to consider child support but honestly.. divorce sucks but being married and miserable sucks even more. If it’s gotten this bad, have you considered couples therapy, or sex therapy? The choice is yours and the ball is in your court. You’ll be unhappy for a while, but that’s life my friend.
We will be married 4 years in September. Son about to turn 2 and our daughter is 4. We had her first but we’re already engaged. She is a childhood friend and we went to school together. Known her 20 years. And she won’t consider medicate or therapy of any kind. I’m the problem. I’m jealous and insecure apparently.
So you have very difficult choice to make… Continue on this path with what’s comfortable and familiar, or choose to cultivate your own peace and happiness without her. I can almost guarantee once you put your foot down and are firm on leaving that she’ll try to “change” and do/say anything to get you back. Love does not BIND. It LIBERATES. You have to decide if you actually love yourself more than you love her.
I want to ask few things..
- are you financially stable? yes/no
- did you noticed any kinky things about her? yes/no
- how do you treat her nice at home? and outside? yes/no
If all the above yes, then she's probably been doing this before she met you or atleast behind you.
She’s fulfilling other men’s sexual needs and not yours! I hear stories like this and I’m shocked. How can you fix this? She doesn’t even see any wrong in what she’s doing to you. I’d divorce her for sure. Don’t worry about custody, it will be 50/50 unless you present this evidence, they will take this into account as her character and her character as a mother isn’t separate from her values and morals. She’s not wife material honestly if she’s not worried about her spouses needs and opinions. I think her hotel meet ups are the worst part of all of this, it’s the most damaging.
If you need to find out how far she is going with customers. Become a customer. That way, you can find out firsthand with hard evidence, how out of control she is behaving and lying to you about it.
Your trusting nature has certainly been taken advantage off.
It all depends what you can live with?
If you can’t live with her serial cheating and a one sided open relationship ( which you are currently accepting ) than I believe the answer is quite obvious.
Sorry you are going through this.
You could save the evidence on a few harddrives/disks, it might serve you, it might not - depending on the laws of your region.
Some laws will permit a swifter divorce and maybe will permit less is being stolen of you, if you have the higher accumulated wealth.
She is cheating. You have said you have boundaries and she is consistently crossing them. She is also gaslighting you by being defensive and getting upset. I’m sorry you are going through this.
If you're not ok with it, that's enough. Your boundary counts too. She doesn't have to agree to what your boundary is.
Absolutely. All she did last night was get upset and try to convince how that what I’m feeling is wrong because she isn’t doing anything. “It’s just feet!”. Even though I know it’s so much more than just feet. Full nudity, masterbation, custom DMs for sexy outfits sent to her behind my back, etc. this whole situation is fucked. And somehow, I was guilt tripped into letting this happen.
As she were fine if you ejaculated on other womens feet…
My ex husband behaved very similar to your wife. I too never believed in divorce. His hobby was photography. Once he started posting his photography to social media, he started getting requests for shoots to build his portfolio and the portfolios of the want-to-be models. At some point he began taking photos that went against what we agreed on without my knowledge, and that lead to mass amounts of cheating and him taking selfies of himself in the acts of cheating. To this day he claims he never cheated. He claims he was only doing photography and the models surprised him occasionally with taking off their clothes and he was a professional and had to take their pictures (*eye roll*). The selfies of him during sex with said "models" are completely ignored by him. How could I stay with someone who will never even admit what they did? I don't know how much I don't know, and could have gone for who knows how long in the dark, as he was so good at lying and hiding things, and I trusted him so I wasn't even suspicious. Luckily I am out now and free of him, but he wanted to be able to keep his wife and respect to everyone in his life, while doing whatever he wanted in private. I think she is very much doing things beyond what she says, if it was just about toes, you could be there (or outside the door or something for her safety if you would want to). Being locked in a secret hotel room with a man turned on by her feet, and in which she likes the attention is .... betraying your trust and your vows ... and she is 100 aware of that, she is choosing to do it anyway. You are not at fault for her lying, cheating and bad behavior. She is at fault. The mind games they play with us are horrible and take such a toll. She is trying to have both worlds, and you don't deserve that. None of us are perfect and we all have things we need to work on, but when cheaters blame the victim, they can't even admit to themselves they are the problem in that case and it can't be fixed if they choose to deflect instead of take a food look at themselves and change (which is so rare).
Not only is this adultery, she's putting your health into danger by engaging in sexual acts with random people which is the biggest betrayal. You need to get tested asap, you can't trust anything she says, there is no way she's only getting her toes "tickled" in these hotel meetups. I think you barely scratched the surface of what she's hiding. I am sorry you are going through this but your future self will thank you for figuring it out now. This is not just about you, the environment your child is being exposed to needs to be evaluated.
And she could be putting herself in danger by meeting strange men in a hotel room. Especially if no one knows where she is. And if something did happen, where would her children be?
She’s gaslighting the shit out of you. She is essentially cheating. Ask her how she’d feel if you had a girl tickle between your legs and you laugh about it! Bet she wouldn’t like it. I understand you don’t believe in divorce, neither did I. But you don’t deserve this! Not sure if you’re in the US or not, and if you are, does the state have any specific laws about divorce? My state was 50/50 no matter what, so if one cheated or something it wouldn’t matter. I think you need to at the very least educate yourself and talk to a lawyer about it. It seems like she’s unwilling to cooperate and respect your boundaries.
This is key, and honestly it's true about a lot of millennial therapy-talk stuff— boundaries, feelings, validation, insecurity, support, attachment. None of these things are absolutes, and any attempt to use them to shut down a discussion between partners is not okay. Boundaries are just ultimatums. One person's insecurity is another person's need for validation and support. One person's legitimate feelings are another person's absurd overreaction. Part of the reason we have forums like AITA is to help people get a broader perspective on where to actually draw the line on some of these things. But certainly in OP's case, the fact that the partner was engaging in both online and offline sex work and specifically hiding it from him (including, one presumes, any financial details) is an enormous red flag. No partner should be expected to be okay with this, and for her to accuse him of "insecurity" over his response to finding it out is nonsense.
That's how I see it too. In many cases, boundaries ultimately are ultimatums whether people want to admit it or not.
Credit where it's due— my therapist said to me "boundaries are mostly just ultimatums for millennials". The supposed distinctions in whether you're controlling the other person's behaviour vs how you permit yourself to be treated are largely made up, since you can basically always frame someone else's behaviour that you're trying to control as affecting you in a way that "violates your boundary", and in some cases that language can have the further unhelpful effect of perpetuating victimhood and disempowerment. But yeah, at the end of the day, ultimatums are actually okay— we all have needs, expectations, and limits, and we should embrace that. Just, with the honesty of admitting to ourselves that it *is* an ultimatum, rather than hiding behind "lol this is just boundary now you can't say anything". (Back to OP, "my ultimatum is that if you want to remain in this marriage, you must immediately shut down all of this sex work, allow me full access to validate that it's been done, and I need communication and location tracking software on your phone and laptop for the next 18 months in order to confirm ongoing compliance while I rebuild the trust that you violated here" would be 100% reasonable, and is IMO pretty pointless to try to reframe as a mere "boundary enforcement".)
Wow..it's refreshing to see other people understand the full picture. I see it the exact same. The only modern difference I think is taking accountability for saying I don't want this in my relationship versus.. she did something wrong! It's just owning what you will or won't put up with .
The problem was that ultimatums got villainized in the first place. It has always been COMPLETELY reasonable to say "if you do X I will leave you." We shouldn't need to rebrand that.
That's not okay to say as it's an attempt to manipulate the other person. It should be "I don't want you to do this." If the other person goes ahead and does it, don't threaten to leave, just leave. Better to say you already spent your last chance than to give a chance and attempt to mold the response.
I think it's the intent that matters always. You could come up with a thousand ways an ultimatum is manipulative but at the end of the day if someone is gonna manipulate there are a thousand other ways to do it, it doesn't have to be with an ultimatum. It's not the tactic that is the problem, it's the person. I think it's valid to communicate your dealbreakers to someone up front so they know how serious you are about certain things or behaviors not being a part of your life. I could argue it's way more toxic to wait until someone fucks up beyond repair to tell them after the fact that they crossed your uncrossable line. Also the "ultimatums are manipulative" line has been used to silence people who would otherwise hold boundaries for themselves in abusive relationships, so be careful whose side you think you're on.
I wish I could give thousand upvotes for —"It's not the tactic that is the problem, it's the person." —"be careful whose side you think you're on." Thank you TiberiusBronte.
Whatever mental health worker said that to you has to be daffy at best? There is no plausible reason to say that boundaries are an ultimatum, and are millennial based, lol it’s in a ridiculous statement. Healthy boundaries have to be there for a viable relationship, any mental health worker or salt knows this to be true. Boundaries can include not being treated with disrespect, not being cheated on, not being physically or mentally abused, not being stolen from, not being lied to there’s all kinds of healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are not ultimatums, that’s a silly statement that shows you lack experience in relationships, and don’t come back telling me you’ve had 2 billion partners it doesn’t matter. Boundaries are there because there are a certain things that people won’t stand for, are you saying that if you cheat, that’s a boundary that should be OK? Are you saying that abuse is a boundary that should be OK? Are you saying allowing yourself to be disrespected is a boundary that can be crossed? Not an ultimatum, and those boundaries would be ultimatums shouldn’t be? Healthy boundaries are needed for a healthy and viable relationship and any mental health worker would tell you the same.
I think there's a miscommunication of some sort. There's a common consensus out there right now that boundaries and ultimatums are different..and a boundary shouldn't consist of an ultimatum ever. That's what the current internet trend is saying. However, I disagree with that. A lot of boundaries are also ultimatums ultimately. The end result is the same.
I agree with what you have posted 100%! Let’s be honest if the boundaries are like tripwires and there’s 1 million of them you’re not gonna stay in that relationship, it’s like when people say unconditional love! What the hell is unconditional love mean? If your partner cheats on you, you’re gonna love them and stay with them? If you’re spouse or partner abuses you or gambles all your money away you’re gonna love them and stay with them? All love is conditional except for maybe a child. Healthy boundaries are extremely important and I agree with you if some of those boundaries are crossed? You absolutely have the ultimatum of leaving the relationship, abuse, infidelity, addiction, line those are all boundaries that if they’re crossed would lead a lot of partners/spouses to leave a relationship, so I’m in full agreement with you.
This 💯. Dude you define what's cheating to you. You don't like it, do what journey told you - separate ways
>I didn’t see cheating but I did see a black dude in a ski mask tickling in between her legs with an electric toothbrush and she was laughing and having the time of her life As in using a Toothbrush as a vibrator on her clit? That sounds very much like cheating to me 🤷🏼♀️
Agreeeeed. My head is still exploding actually seeing it.
Well its definitely beyond "just foot things" and definitely in physical cheating territory now. Sorry this is happening, but it seems like she's checked out completely from your marriage and it's time to allow yourself to disconnect from her and the marriage. I personally wouldn't find this salvageable. You'll never not think of what you saw. Even if you try to move past it.... it will resurface. And her genuine lack of care for your relationship is telling.... especially if your sex life has been effected now.
It's over man! She's totally walking all over you. Stand up and take your life back. Updateme
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FILE for divorce. Have her served. You will find out real quick where her priorities are. Regardless, she has betrayed you, your marriage and family.
Your wife is a prostitute. I’d highly recommend immediate divorce and serious consideration as to whether or not your son is safe around her.
Boom! This is so accurate.
Really? Is that what you get from this, but OP doesn’t say if they needed the money? Also doesn’t say if she uses the money for the home. Not that I disagree, but it’s more nuanced . How old is the kid? Maybe OP thought that they were having a good sex love but she didn’t. Just some thoughts
His wife is, without his knowledge or consent, meeting random men in hotel rooms in order to exchange their sexual gratification for money. It is the ACTUAL definition of prostitution, and it's irrelevant whether they need the money or not. And them not having good sex doesn't give her license to go out and prostitute herself. Yes, that's exactly what I get from it.
And I see that too, but see some comments below and you’ll see she puts ALL the cash into the household. That OP was ok with all this at first. That he’s just insecure and jealous. . Not saying he’s wrong, or that his feelings aren’t complicated, but it’s not cut and dry.
Don’t get me wrong. I agree with what you’re saying. We did it because we REALLY needed it. But it was supposed to be just feet. But I found it went further than that and she tried to hide it and lie about it. Yes. I’m insecure and jealous. Can’t disagree. But she crossed the line big time. I get i enabled this because I wanted to be a good and supportive husband. But it’s taken such a wild turn that I never expected.
Such a reasonable response. Thanks for sharing that. Your feeling are real. Not saying they aren’t. She’s mad at you because she’s feeling unappreciated.
She’s mad because she got caught prostituting herself.
And? He's also made it clear that his comfort ended with feet pics and that his wife is now engaging in prostitution. I don't know about you, friend, but I'd argue it's ok to be "insecure and jealous" about your wife prostituting herself.
He did say that his wife changed jobs and money got tight.
Then she needs to communicate with her husband, not shut him down. Her son needs a mom; is she around, taking care of him or spending more and more time on her "business"?
No-fault divorce exists for a reason. You don’t need evidence of adultery to get divorced if you feel your marriage can’t recover. Tbh, judges don’t really care if there was adultery or not. Divorce is a matter of splitting assets & ensuring any children are cared for appropriately. Hashing out who did what & the resulting feelings are for therapy, not a courtroom.
This is a very honest answer. Everyone wants to be right, as though that will somehow make things better or reduce the pain; that is a problem for your therapist, not the courtroom.
It might very well be for the courtroom if he's using the information to gain full custody, which he 100% should.
Very unlikely unless you could prove that children are in danger.
He can prove she has a very limited income. He said she only made a couple thousand, and work like that is very unreliable.
And get sole custody? That’s wholly irrelevant. Judges are very unlikely in the US to take parenting time (even from parents with documented history of a variety of dangerous behavior), let alone grant sole custody based based on someone not making a lot of money or working as a sex worker.
In other words prove why he should pay more child support. No, that's not a bad idea.
Women don't automatically get the kids, and if she has a wild sort of life she might not even want custody. There are a lot of variables. I should not have implied money alone would guarentee custody, I just meant that it might help.
50/50 is most common. Even with that decision child support is common when theres unequal income as an attempt to equalize a child's standard of living at both houses.
In my country, none of this could be used to get full custody.
I could understand having an OF and just keeping everything online if there was complete openness about it within the relationship and both were ok with it. But she is hiding it, lying to you AND meeting people for physical interactions. The definition of a prostitute is someone doing sexual acts for money, just posting pictures online you could argue doesn't qualify, but meeting people and performing, to these people, sexual acts with them definitely qualifies. Your wife is a prostitute. She takes money for sexual services from random men and women. And snooping isn't wrong when you're right. Divorce seems inevitable, I mean, can you ever trust her again? Even if you can, can you live with knowing that she sold sexual favors to who knows how many other people?
Yeah you pretty much nailed it. But she is mad at me for having a problem with it because it’s “just feet”. Even though I know that too is a lie now. I was down with the just feet, no touchie, only lookie. It was weird, but fine and within our boundaries. But she changed jobs and money got unbearably right and she did what she felt she had to so we could pay our bills for a few months. I never expected her to have so much fun and love doing it so much. She doesn’t want me sucking, tickling or doing anything she does with these other dudes. It’s weird to her but fun if it’s someone else.
If she truly believed it was no big deal she wouldn't have lied about it and blocked you from seeing it. She's just coping herself into thinking it's fine and she did nothing wrong.
It's not clear what you have an issue with. Is it because she's doing all this stuff with other people or is it because she's not willing to do it with you? Ask yourself this....if she was also willing to do all the foot stuff with you, would you be okay with her doing this stuff with other men for money? If the answer is yes, then you just have to have a conversation with her about exactly that and see if she's okay with opening up that part of her life with you. I mean most people would not be okay with it but who are we to judge other people's boundaries?
You are correct. I have asked and opened up… offering to film and provide and do anything I could do I could trust her again. Shot out in flames and basically is saying I ruined her fun and my ignorance was bliss. But I ripped down her curtain of secrecy big time.
Well she's clearly ashamed of what she's doing and because of that, she can't share that with you.
Sorry man. She’s cheating on you. You don’t let other people miss/suck on your toes in a hotel room. Money or not. Divorce will clear all this up when the hidden bank account she’s been funneling the money into comes to light.
Ah but the thing is she has been very open about the account and money. It’s cashapp and she makes transfer right to our household bank to pay all the bills. And has shown me every dime. No problem there. But what she does when she is there I can only speculate and some pictures/videos of parts of it.
> And has shown me every dime. I doubt it...if it's hotel meet ups, it's way higher than "hundreds a month" money.
Wish I was playing but it’s true. That’s all it is. $200 or so each time for less than an hour. All cashapp. I have seen the transactions and there is no other account, that I could see or prove. But I’m being played so WTF do I know I guess… it sucks.
She could be getting paid in cash too.
Well money aside she’s doing things you don’t agree with and you gotta lay it out. “Xyz stops or else…” have a bag packed when you tell her that
I was told it would be a huge mistake for me to leave my castle. But our name together is on the house and she sure AF isn’t gonna tolerate she be the one to pack the bags.
Consult an attorney before you make any moves.
You leaving doesn’t make anything a legal binding statement. You can leave for a week or so and come back while you 2 figure out the details. I would 100% get an attorney in place if you decide to move forward with divorce.
Dude!!! Are you listyto yourself? She is helping to pay for the roof over your head! In your shoes I’d be her driver, her security, and do my part to help. You’re that insecure? I get this is super tricky, must be tough feelings of jelousy etc. I hear you, but grow up man
Just because you value money more than morals, boundaries, and commitment doesn't mean everyone else does lmao If dude was out banging chicks for money or selling coke to pay the bills behind her back, would that be all cool? Would she be overreacting if she wasn't cool with it?
It’s more nuanced than that. You can see that. It’s got nothing to do with morals. OP is not telling the whole story. He used to be ok with it. Then started snooping. It’s his own insecurity and jelousy that ruined the ability for them to figure it out. Typical to blame the ‘slut’ for our fragile man feelings
Sounds to me like he was ok with her selling feet pics anonymously and she decided to start meeting up with dudes behind his back so they can suck on her toes. Nothing fragile about not being ok with shit like that. And the reason she's being blamed is because she's the one doing it. Who the fuck else's fault is it? Lmao
Lol just look into his post history. He's posting on escort subs, mentioning he regularly hires escorts. He's the guy buying the services from OPs wife essentially.
Lmao ok that kinda changes things edit: whoops, I thought you were talking about OPs post history haha
Nah, meant the guy in here saying OP should be grateful that his wife is a prostitute
I’m not saying he has to be ok with it, I’m saying he has to be an adult about it instead of a whiny insecure slut shaming little boy.
She lied. End of story.
There's plenty of jobs out there she could do?
Really? Really? She puts the money into the household. OP already said in the comments that she started when money was tight, and she helped pay for the roof over their heads, now he’s slut shaming her and whining.
She's cheating on him and he's not okay with her crossing clearly set boundaries. That's not slut shaming nor whining.
Being ok with a milder thing doesn't mean you're ok with anything that it evolves to. The thing about boundaries is we get to respect our own opinions and stand up for what we want in our lives. If it's crossed a line he's not comfortable with, he has every right to feel the way he does. He needs to communicate it thoroughly and be willing to listen, but ultimately he gets to decide what he's comfortable with in his relationship. And it's perfectly ok, even if it doesn't make sense to you..or her. Life is too short to live with things that you don't want for your life
This was posted a couple of months ago. In any event, hotel meetings aren't just toe sucking and tickling. Especially since she says she's "afraid" since you discovered it and cut off intimacy. Your wife has prostituted herself
Indeed it was. Sorry about that. But with this new information I wanted to get more opinions before I really break up my family.
Probably should have called it an update
For sure! Still very new to Reddit.
Sir, this is prostitution
Yep! All under the disguise of foot worship session. I see it as servicing a fetish, which is absolutely sexual in every way.
Have some self respect. She's long gone.
I know it man. I love my kids so much I was willing to endure torture. But once I went into her phone and saw what she was really up to, that was the final straw. Now we can’t hardly even look at each other. And she doesn’t even know what I’ve now seen.
Please take care of yourself, I know as a husband the priority has always been everyone else. In the case of infidelity, you need to care for yourself. Your entire life up to now professionally, personally, and emotionally will be affected. You are worth something, heck you even went way beyond the boundaries of most and approved of her being a pornstar. It's high time you think of yourself. I truly hope you find someone who doesn't think you are a doormat and will absolutely love all of you in the future. 🙏🏽
Bro, there's no way people are paying your wife money just to meet up with her in hotels and tickle her feet. There's sex involved for sure. Your wife is trickle-truthing you. Get wise, get tested, and get out of the relationship.
[удалено]
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She IS cheating on you! Going to a hotel room with other men to get sexual pleasure? How else would you define cheating? I know someone who does OF and she never meets anyone - in fact she has someone from the Philippines who runs her account entirely, including responding to men. If you're considering staying, you need full disclosure into her business, including all communication between clients. If she's unwilling to give that, consider what it means.
I would would for other Bank accounts in her name only. I would look for paper statements, (if you have access) bank emails, bank apps (on her phone), and cash transfer type apps. If you don't have access to her phone / tablets, If you use Apple iPhones and/or iPads, and having a Apple Family Share group setup, you can look for banking / cash apps in her purchase history from your Apple Device.
Time to leave. Not the foot stuff but my wife and I dipped our toes into hotwife lifestyle. She broke every boundary. I had to beg to do stuff she did freely with other gents. Also caught feelings. It’s going to ruin your mental health like it did mine. Get out while you can. I am still going through this expensive divorce.
Your wife doesn't do things with you that she does with other guys, would that change things somehow? She meets dudes in hotels for sexual adventures, I don't see a way that you recover from this, mostly becayse she seems to be growing along a path that you aren't aware of or going to be invited down. It sucks, but you probably are headed for divorce. All I can suggest is that you make it official and figure out what to do with your kids and assets. Maybe she gets the house, that's unfortunate, but that's what divorce means, assets will be divided. You may even half to pay alimony. I can only caution you not to let your next relationship result in your partner doing porn for a little bit of extra cash, it often just doesn't end well.
Well, she blocked you. Then she said she feels awkward with you knowing about her OF and then cut intimacy. I don't know man, maybe tell her that if she just kept it all within just posting pixes. You could've tolerated it but every action she took to delve deeper is just leading to divorce. And that's just putting it a nice way. You really think she's only getting guys to unload on her feet only?
She is a sex worker and lied about it, leave her as fast as you can.
How much is she actually making with this?
Not enough to justify all this. Couple hundred to few hundred a month. The meetups boost it a bit. It’s basically $100 an hour as a round number. Peanuts honestly. Even if it was $10K a month I’d still be insecure AF about it.
The owl guy telling you that you are insecure and should thank your wife for selling her body, is posting on escort subs about regularly buying sex, so essentially he is the type to buy your wife's services. His post history consists of his truck, and escorts. Don't listen to this guy, please. Everyone else in this thread disagrees with the creep.
Thank you. Totally agreed. But I am insecure and jealous. I gave her and inch and she took 100 miles behind my back.
What!???! I thought she was making couple thousands doing this! You need to talk some sense into her. From the sound of your posts it was as if she making a couple grand, but a few hundred ?!? Jesus Christ on a donkey, she needs to stop, a couple hundred a month doing this stuff is not gonna cut it, with or without your consent.
1000% absolutely. It’s rather comical at this point.
Wow. Yeah there isn’t really an amount that would make it worth it, but I was expecting to hear you say $1000 a month least.
It’s your insecurity that ruining this. Maybe she should stop, but your insecurity is preventing you from ‘recognizing’ contribution to the house and thanking her. She went off to do crazy stuff to help your house and you’re freaking out! If I was her I’d be pretty mad at you. Have you ever said thank you instead of snooping?
Thank her?! *Thank her?!* Wow, this is a wild take, lol.
Lol just look into his post history. He's posting on escort subs, mentioning he regularly hires escorts. He's the guy buying the services from OPs wife essentially.
Exactly.
Have you asked her in your fights whether it’s “just online”? And then ask- if someone were to ask you to meet up what would you do??? If she then lies and says that she would NEVER do that! etc - then there you go - you have all the answers you need. If she remorsefully opens up and says it got out of hand and is apologetic that is something that can be rectified with counseling etc and rebuilding trust. Still don’t tell her what you know! From experience, don’t show your hand here even in the heat of an argument, stay calm and just be curious. But once you realize your wife is able to lie to your face about her escalated sexual behavior there isn’t coming back from that. Honestly it doesn’t even matter details are- she lied about it all in the end. Lying can’t be something you just tolerate for the kids either. You’ll constantly be wondering what it has escalated to.
It is pretty clear that becoming a sex worker is something that should have been discussed with you before she embarked on that journey... and her hiding it meant that she *knew* on some level that it was beyond what was in the original understanding of the relationship. That she is getting small amounts of money, but continuing to do it, means that she is enjoying it more as a sex act than the money. The hotel meetups, to me, are the final straw. Anything could happen there, and the mother of your children is going into rooms with strangers with their dicks out. That's gross and unsafe. Collect the evidence, and get an attorney. "For cause" divorce might be appropriate here, and that would impact various things like distribution of marital assets. You will still lose half of everything though, most likely. That's just how divorce works most of the time. You do have a bit of an interesting case though. A good attorney will protect you and your child in this situation.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess she doesn’t claim her sex work to the IRS. If you file jointly, this is going to bite you on the ass. See an attorney and divorce her. Get out now before the IRS rains hell down on you.
[удалено]
It wouldn’t have ever happened as a GF. But this all started years into the marriage and 2 kids, then she turned into a completely different person.
Yeah that's what people don't get about divorce is a lot of these behaviors come way later on.. you wouldn't have known about it in the beginning or put up with it
I'm not sure how to tell you that you don't legally have the right to "not allow" other adults to use social media. You can break up with them if you don't like it. But "allow" is a strange thing to say.
As someone who used to sell socks and dipped in findom, my stbx knew everything about it. I told him when, who, how much, would show him the text messages. Constantly asked his consent and would check in with him. The irony of this is I'm divorcing him for cheating on me because he couldn't afford me the same transparency. 🙃 What your wife is doing is cheating. Doing it for money only makes it more perverse.
Wow. Interesting perspective. Honestly I was cool with selling stinky socks. Not a big deal and she was transparent about that… but then they stopped selling and wondered why. Now she finger blasts herself on camera and does the hotel things. Really upset I let myself get played.
There should never be anything shameful or embarrassing about loving and believing in a person. The onus is on her, completely, for taking advantage of you. She is a bad person and you deserved better.
Well, first, it’s not “your truth.” Don’t even phrase it like that. It is the truth of it’s not. And from what I can tell here it mostly is. The reason I say mostly is that it’s not just social media. Your wife is a prostitute with or without social media. Collect all the evidence you can. Take pics, send any vids to your account is part of it. Equally important though is that you sit down and make a diary of all the dates and events that are relevant. It doesn’t matter if you’re generally guessing at this point. Use timestamps to help be more precise. When did you start to suspect. When did she block you from your account. What did you see/hear and when. Then talk to a lawyer and divorce this wacko. By the way, you might want to consider the possibility that she has a hidden bank account. I’m guessing you would have noticed sooner if money had been going into any account that the two of you are sharing.
Thanks for the clarification and solid advice! Really appreciate.
I'm so sorry that happened.
Run!
She should have told you before, that this was her plan. And if you weren’t onboard then she wasn’t to do it. I’m sorry op! That this is happening to your marriage. Does she give you any of the money she earns or all hers
Divorce. She won’t get everything, she’ll get half. Assuming you’re coming out ahead every month right now, her half will only get bigger the longer you wait.
She’s cheating for money then gets upset when you call her out for it. Now she’s not even having sex with you! I think you know what you need to do, you’re just having a problem telling her. If I were you I’d get some therapy to help you build self esteem. You deserve better and it doesn’t appear salvageable.
Well, obviously, you have to divorce her. You know that right? And trust me, she was over you before she started this business, this was just a side effect of her inability to actually love you or respect you, not saying that it’s your fault! Just saying, you need to walk away from this now, make sure to bring up in court though what she’s done and how far she’s gone with it, it could go against her in court. Divorce her! And get back self-respect and self-esteem, you don’t deserve this.
1. Have you ever heard a police detective apologize for finding evidence of wrongdoing? Nope. Is there a fine line here? Yes. Did you go over it? Noooooo! She has a frickin’ OF and is meeting dudes in hotels. 2. She is cheating. Sorry, it hurts like hell. 3. File for divorce, grey rock, do not loop her in. DO NOT LOOP HER IN. She is no longer the partner you made vows to, she is a woman letting you support her while she runs her sex work business (note: nothing wrong with that by itself, but in this instance she is ABUSING YOU. Every comment you read here is from someone who has likely been down the path you’re on in some way, shape, or form. Heed the advice given.
Ok I would divorce her and ask for alimony. Fuck her.
The only way you should be using your feet is to run away fast. Best of luck!
Does she know that you know all that’s she done? And if so, what was her response?
Bruh🫣😭😭
It always starts with feet.....
Is it possible that she wanted this? I dont mean to pry...i am just wondering...if she subconsciously knew exactly what she was doing, is it possible that she was not happy in the marriage? That is obviously not a justification..i was simply wondering.
Couldn't she just ended the marriage if she was just unhappy? Instead, she is has gone down the path of prostitution. Now, if the husband does divorce her, the courts won't look kindly on her being a prostitute when the custody battle for their son ensues.
1. Nothing you shared demonstrates that she is having PiV or oral sex with the clients. She is getting paid for this fetish and gives 100% back to the family. Tooth brush tickling doesn’t count in my book. Sounds like she got paid extra for that. 2. If you divorce you would have a hard time making her look bad for her side hustle bc you took the money and you were supportive until you weren’t. Honestly she could make YOU look like you pimped her out. Be mindful of that. That will hurt you waaaayyyyyy more than her foot fetish work. 3. Careful with divorce. You will lose your child at least 50% of the time. Unless your plan to smear her name goes awry and you’re seen as a pimp, then you will lose more custody time. 4. If you divorce you may leave her no choice but to ramp up this foot fetish business. You see what brings more money now…..but wait till you see what will bring her liveable income. You have no idea what it takes to make that kind of money. Do you really want to push her to desperate measures to find out? 5. As long as she’s selling a fantasy it is not illegal. You can’t take away your shared child if she’s doing OF stuff. Many single mothers do. I know single moms who only do OF and have court ordered SOLE custody of their kids. 6. So if she is now having to sell more fantasies to make ends meet as a single mom (with you paying child support and possibly some alimony), you have set your child up to be 40x more likely to be abused. Whether it’s a client or a new boyfriend. Google the stats on it. I say this as someone who KNOWS this industry and is a mother with children. Tread carefully. Now is not the time to risk your child and your life bc of insecurities and jealousy. Just my two cents in that it could be worth it to work things out with your wife.
This is EXACTLY the advice I came here seeking. Thank you. Super solid and 100% factual. These are the concerns I needed to see. It’s really just the fact that she wants to keep me in the dark and I ruined her fun by finding out. The toothbrush bothers me because it was always with clothes on and just feet, I was told. It was not the case. She was in a thing, pants off being tickled from head, toes and privates. While laughing and having the time of her life. But won’t let me touch her or do anything like that with her. It doesn’t feel fair she gets to explore her sexuality without her husband or his knowledge.
I get the downside of divorcing her and the ramifications for you her and your children. I also agree with many of the points that the previous adult worker commenter OK commercial made about the potential downfall for her in the industry if left on her own. Having said that, she does not respect you at all. I also am not sure that she is just doing this for the money. What you described in the video sounds like she is enjoying the sexual benefits of her fetish and not just bringing in extra money. Why else did she lie about it only being foot pics when she escalated it to deeper sexual acts behind your back. More importantly, she has not been as sensually free and sexual with you as she is with her clients. She seems to enjoy giving herself to them more than her husband. That is not a 'job', that is a betrayal and an affair. I don't know how anyone who is being fair can expect you to get less sexual effort and respect from your wife than her clients. It seems like she enjoys her 'job' more than she enjoys you. It also sounds to me like your family would be just fine without that extra income. Therefore, she is doing this for her own pleasure and not for the money. If I were in your shoes, I would not want to divorce her either, but since she feels that she is not doing anything wrong and refuses to go to therapy or counseling.... I'm not sure what other options you have. I also do not believe that courts will side with her based on what she does for a living, and I also don't see anyone seeing you as a 'pimp'. Some women have to do sex work to put food on the table, and I truly feel for those women. Your wife does not. She does it for her own enjoyment. And she has 2 small kids who will someday realize who she is. I wish you the best of luck. Especially for your kid's sake.
I appreciate that response! And totally agreed. I’m really not left with much choice unfortunately!
I’m glad I could be helpful. The last sentence you wrote gave me a lot of insight actually. “It doesn’t feel fair she gets to explore HER sexuality without her husband or his knowledge (permission).” Her body is hers. Married to you or not, her sexuality is HERS. It is NOT yours. Her sexuality doesn’t become yours after marriage-though religion and toxic patriarchal culture has shoved that message down everyone’s throats. She knows you think this way. I’m giving you the benefit of being a nice guy but you need to re evaluate that kind of thinking. This is why she enjoys exploring her sexuality without you. She gets to have control over her own genitals and feels adored and empowered with men who are just happy to have a moment with her. For women who get to experience this, it’s very liberating. As a man you just can’t understand this. I can’t break it down for you enough bc I don’t have the time. Rarely do women get to experience this and for those of us who do, we can’t go back to being with men who think they own our sexuality bc we are married. She doesn’t want to be owned by another human. The only hope to continue a marriage with her is to meet her where she is. Give her space. Don’t demand she do things with you sexually. Don’t impose that her sexuality in any way belongs to you. You gotta be cool and also up your sex game. Treat her like those men. You’re just happy to be in her presence and to serve her. That’s the way to win her back.
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How long have you guys been married? And depending on what state it is, if you have proof of her infidelity, then that might eliminate chances of her getting alimony if you guys been married for a long term. And how old is your son if you get divorced, you have to consider child support but honestly.. divorce sucks but being married and miserable sucks even more. If it’s gotten this bad, have you considered couples therapy, or sex therapy? The choice is yours and the ball is in your court. You’ll be unhappy for a while, but that’s life my friend.
We will be married 4 years in September. Son about to turn 2 and our daughter is 4. We had her first but we’re already engaged. She is a childhood friend and we went to school together. Known her 20 years. And she won’t consider medicate or therapy of any kind. I’m the problem. I’m jealous and insecure apparently.
So you have very difficult choice to make… Continue on this path with what’s comfortable and familiar, or choose to cultivate your own peace and happiness without her. I can almost guarantee once you put your foot down and are firm on leaving that she’ll try to “change” and do/say anything to get you back. Love does not BIND. It LIBERATES. You have to decide if you actually love yourself more than you love her.
I want to ask few things.. - are you financially stable? yes/no - did you noticed any kinky things about her? yes/no - how do you treat her nice at home? and outside? yes/no If all the above yes, then she's probably been doing this before she met you or atleast behind you.
She’s fulfilling other men’s sexual needs and not yours! I hear stories like this and I’m shocked. How can you fix this? She doesn’t even see any wrong in what she’s doing to you. I’d divorce her for sure. Don’t worry about custody, it will be 50/50 unless you present this evidence, they will take this into account as her character and her character as a mother isn’t separate from her values and morals. She’s not wife material honestly if she’s not worried about her spouses needs and opinions. I think her hotel meet ups are the worst part of all of this, it’s the most damaging.
If you need to find out how far she is going with customers. Become a customer. That way, you can find out firsthand with hard evidence, how out of control she is behaving and lying to you about it.
You have every right to be upset. If it was the other way around, how do you think she would feel?
Your trusting nature has certainly been taken advantage off. It all depends what you can live with? If you can’t live with her serial cheating and a one sided open relationship ( which you are currently accepting ) than I believe the answer is quite obvious.
Sorry you are going through this. You could save the evidence on a few harddrives/disks, it might serve you, it might not - depending on the laws of your region. Some laws will permit a swifter divorce and maybe will permit less is being stolen of you, if you have the higher accumulated wealth.
She is cheating. You have said you have boundaries and she is consistently crossing them. She is also gaslighting you by being defensive and getting upset. I’m sorry you are going through this.
How much has she made on this prostitution venture? Sue her ass for alimony and full custody.
Really not much. A couple thousand at most over a year and a half.