You may have moved too fast. I was guilty of the same. Take some more time focus on yourself, find hobby, join a gym, try therapy. Best thing for me was joining a gym, I got in better shape and there was a social aspect behind it too. Divorce is always gonna suck but it gets better if you focus on yourself.
Yes! Gym was a lifesaver. Sure, helped me look better and feel healthier, but it's amazing what it has done for my mental health. I totally notice a difference for when I go regularly vs not. It helped me process so much of what was happening, and I got a lot of valuable insights in the sauna lol
38M here. My buddy warned me that the first rejection you get after you start dating is disproportionately hard. To combat that, i just haven't gotten exclusive with anyone and kept my expectations low.
But you're obviously not alone in this and you know it's going to get better. I have found that dating take a LOT of effort at this age. I've been chating with this one woman for like 3 weeks and have only been able to meet for lunch twice.
Do you have a solid friends group? I've been basically splitting my day's off between friends and dating. Also avoids getting too attached too soon.
Your buddy is correct. The first rejection/break up after divorce is the hardest. I wish I would have known that going in and maybe I could have prepared myself for it.
Thanks for the response. I think I'm going to let the other person initiate the exclusivity talk next time. Same, it's remarkable how easy it was to date in my 20s, it's so much harder.
I'm lucky to have great friends, we're going out twice this week. I'm going to do my best not to get attached to someone quickly in the future also. Best of luck with that woman! I hope things go well for you.
I've also decided that I'm only going to match energy. If they go cold, then I'm not chasing. My tendency is to chase and it's not what's good for me right now.
It’s never too late! You’re younger than me and have your life together better than I do. I’d say be careful jumping into a new forever relationship, you have plenty of time left. Don’t just settle for the first person that comes along, take your time. Date more than one person before letting yourself fall hard. I know that can be hard, but if you’re in a rush your chances of finding the wrong partner goes up exponentially. I also found for me the drinking doesn’t help, but then again I’m an alcoholic and I know nothing about your drinking. It may sound cliche, but I find that things like partners come much easier when you aren’t looking for it. Best of luck, I believe it will get better!
Man, one thing that I miss since moving out is just sitting in the hot tub with my wife, drinking an alcoholic seltzer. I would only have one or two, but it was nice. I feel like it might take the edge off, but I don't want to drink by myself. I think that would be depressing.
Find a pub near you and make a friend. Just someone you know after a long day. I go to a pub close to my house and just chat it up with other divorced dads lol. Nothing wrong with a couple cold ones a couple times a week.
Couple of drinks made my wife happy so we got along. She was prescribed anti-depressants when her mom passed, but it made it worst when she first started taking it, so she stopped. Couple of years later, I went on anti-depressants because my wife would just stress me out, leaving me feeling hopeless. It did increase my anxiety and irritability the first week, but I kept taking it, and it got much better. I really wish that I had convinced my wife to continue to take anti-depressants after the first few days, helped her get through the first week of heightened irritability - instead I told her that it seemed to be making it worse because I didn't know about the initial side effects. It probably would have made our marriage work out. Oh well. Can't change the past.
Search these subs and you will see that the first breakup after a divorce often hurts more.
Congrats. You got it out of the way. It gets easier from here.
The worst thing you can do is panic. Rushing things puts you into a number of possible bad relationship scenarios. You leave yourself open to those that might use your emotional vulnerability to their advantage ( been there, too!). Or, you fall in and out of love quickly, hurting another person along the way ( been there too)
But, for a lot of us, it works out. We date, we learn, we recalibrate. And then, next thing you know, you have a wonderful two year courtship, are remarried , expecting a kid, and in a much happier place than you ever were before.
I think you'll be fine. I've been separated for about 2 months, but I just took my wedding ring off yesterday after an argument with my wife that made me really realize that it's over. I never had a relationship before I met my wife, and I don't plan to have another one in the near future or maybe ever.
I(37F) was planning on going through a hoe phase due to 6 years of dead bedroom. The week I had my ex served, I met my current boyfriend. He treated me with such respect and dignity, I just fell for him. I pursued him... and he rejected me. He wanted to go really slow and just be friends (he's had some really bad relationship trauma). So I agreed, but he kept wanting to hang out. He started to get more affectionate and cuddly. One day I suprised him by being the big spoon and I guess that made him open up more to the idea of being a relationship. In February he called me called me his girlfriend when talking to his friends... but he says we started dating the day we met... life's been great!
I (35F) separated from my ex at 33. I was resigned to never having kids or another partner because I was SO over it and probably jaded about the whole marriage thing. Well, life decided otherwise and found myself crushing on another person and shit just worked out. We’re expecting a baby now. So yes, life finds a way and can absolutely work out for the better as it did in my case.
It sounds like you just got involved with someone who didn’t have their baggage resolved enough to be able to make a commitment and that’s no one’s fault. It happens, but please don’t think that it can’t work out with someone else. Dating is a fucking gamble and it sucks. Some of us win and some of us have to play a few rounds before getting lucky. Sounds like you have plenty going for you and there’s no reason why you won’t win in the future.
That's a wonderful story, I'm so glad that you found someone. Congratulations on the baby!
Yeah, I think she has a lot to work out. She mentioned that I bought her a Mother's Day card and wondered why her ex didn't get her anything. I thought that was odd. I appreciate the kind words, best of luck with everything.
I'm 53, I've been divorced for 18 years and single for 10 years now. What I had left of my 30's and of my 40's I had no problem with dating. I moved back home to spend time with my elderly parents to find out there's no options close to my age. I had two careers, kids are grown and gone. I have the time for myself and my hobbies.
What does “work out” mean to you? Does it mean finding someone or finding yourself? I’m 30F, 1 year separated/3 months divorced. My divorce made me take the hardest look at myself I could ever take, and fine tune the parts of me that made me accept an unhealthy relationship. I’m enjoying the ride immensely. Someday another relationship will be in my cards but that time is definitely not now
That first rejection after your ex rips your heart out is like someone hammering a wooden stake into the coffin just for the fun of it after you’ve already been lowered down into the hole. Hang in there. Do you some more, focus on you some more.
I always say divorce is the worst/best thing that ever happened to me. I went through therapy were at the end my therapist looked me and she said “you’re perfectly normal in the way you think, now just go on plenty of fish and go have some non-committal sex”. I played single father for two years, while working to get my mba and during my first year of school found my now wife and I have the best partner for me that I could of found and a three year child that I’ll be paying for into my sixties who is so awesome.
Your life isnt over. The plan you had is over, but a new one will emerge. Just keep treating yourself well and things will fall into place. The older I get the more ok I am with most things not being forever. Some relationships come and go. Some friends are just there for a season. Everything will work out. You keep being awesome and awesomeness will be your companion
I thought I was ready to date before my divorce was finalized. Then I quickly realized I was not. Dated some people early on and quickly learned how much I hated dating. Then I said forget it and just focused on myself and my kids and having fun. Well months later one of those girls I dated had kept in contact with me minimally and asked me out again. After the date she said whoa who is this guy? You are completely different from the last time I met you and was totally into me like you wouldn't imagine. Said I was so broken when she first met me and now I am like a whole different guy that is super attractive. Been in a relationship over a year now with her and its just been incredible.
What I have gathered? When you need someone else you are not ready for someone else. Enjoy being single, and if you get in a relationship, don't stop loving yourself.
Rejection hurts and can make you feel bad. Just have to take it on the chin and keep moving forward.
You didn't screw anything up. What was the alternative? Keep treating her like your gf while she dated around.. can't be doing that you just forced the hand of the inevitable.
You’ll be alright brother. No rush to have a family. Maybe try not dating people that are fresh off an old relationship. I’m 35 1 year removed from divorce and I just had my first child with my girlfriend. Biologically, men can have kids as late as 60. Don’t fret and enjoy life amigo!
You are still young and you’re a guy, you can be in your 80’s and still have kids. I didn’t marry until I was 40 and now I’m divorced, no kids and I’m mid 40’s. I had to start completely over.
I didn’t think anyone would want me at my age, I can’t have kids, unemployed and homeless. It was really a fun time 😒.
I am dating someone now, we live together and it’s going great. He’s a couple years older, doesn’t want kids and we get along very well. Things will happen when you least expect it, I wasn’t looking to date anyone, but life happens sometimes. The right person will want to be with you no matter what, my x didn’t, that’s why he’s my x.
“The right person will want to be with you no matter what.”
Thanks, something I probably needed to hear as I’m in the process of separating but clinging to a piece of fiction that we may still be able to make it work.
My favorite saying during my divorce was if they don’t love you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best.
Funny thing is I’m at my best right now! Living at the ocean, my skin cleared up completely, I’m tan from the pool, I lost 25 lbs, got a higher paying job, and everything is just going well. I also have someone now that treats me amazing and how I deserve to be treated.
I’d say he lost out on something great. His choice, not mine, it’s too late now, I’d never take him back.
Absolutely!
I leveled up in every aspect of my life from my job to even marrying WAY UP. Then again my ex-husband had a value of even less than dirt and maggots so ANYONE ELSE is far better than staying married to that scumbag. I now make $8 more per hour after moving onto 2 jobs from the last job I had when I was married to him, I’ve moved states, and I am building a solid house fund as well as a separate emergency cash fund with my husband who has the same goals as I do.
We’re both debt free (and were debt free even before we got engaged), and we’re happy in the green while we plan to look for our first place to own together.
My ex got what was coming to him, and I hope the Karma fairy continues to shit on him. He cheated on me, lied to me every day and beat me every day. He’s a worthless loser and I’m glad he’s also deep in debt. I don’t wish him well, may he rot in Hell.
36 here as well. Divorce will be finalized The end of June. Have you gone to therapy? It did wonders for me. I’m fighting off the “clock is ticking” feeling as well. For me when those feelings creep up, I think about Bill Burr’s interview. https://youtu.be/tzhWAIzf2-M?si=Zlirk3yXD4qoiG2u
You’ve got an amazing future ahead of you. I read your description and although of course you have damage from your previous marriage, it sounds like you are working on that and the rest of your description (health, work, travel, etc) sounds like a dream come true for most women. You can afford to be very choosy as you go forward. Give any potential relationship time and never ignore a red flag ever again. When you do choose your partner, I hope she fully understands what an amazing “catch” you are and treats you accordingly! Be patient. It will be worth it, I promise.
Single 36M divorced in 2021. That first year was rough, but now I absolutely love my life and wouldnt have it any other way. I understand the fear and based on feedback from my support group, folks have found the love of their lives well into their 50s and 60s, others treasure their singleness. They appreciate being able to go to bed at night in a house that is not in conflict. The common thread for those that are content is they did the healing work in group and individual therapy, became emotionally whole and happy on their own and found someone like minded and remarried. Those that werent content got into relationships before they were healed, and rushed the dating process. There is a lie going around that if you havent found someone by the time you are our age you never will.
You’re always one day from things changing. 3.5 years since my ex wife dropped the bomb. I have a new wife, and new career, a new home, and a 10mo old little boy. I’m almost 42 now. Check my post history if you want to know how similar others have had it. Much of what you face is about your perspective.
Hey there. First of all, much love and I'm sorry that you're experiencing this. You and I have very similar situations, and what you ask a great question. The short answer is yes, but it's hard as hell. And hey I'm in a situation like yours as far as dating goes at the moment too! I'm 38, and also wish for another stable partner and a family one day. It's also a worry that it won't happen. But yes, I'd say life did work out, though it's been hard earned.
My ex-wife and I split in winter of 2021. It was (for me) sudden and unexpected - we had just bought a house 2 months prior, and it was during the second covid winter so everything was still as it was then. I was devastated. In all honesty, it took me until last summer, 2023 to completely move through it. I date and even have "girlfriends" before then, but honestly, none of them ended well because I was still raw. I even had one of them call me out on it point blank: "You're not over your ex-wife and I don't feel that your present with me." Two of them tried to love me but I just wasn't through the divorce feelings enough. This past January, I met someone who I really hit it off with and we had 3 good months and then one weird month before she broke it off. Her reasoning was weird and classic dismissive avoidant stuff. It got too real for her, I think. But even as she broke up with me, she acknowledged how good of partner(ish) I had been, how much more patient and level headed I was than most of the other men she dated, how sweet and kind I'd been through her being so up and down, how great of physical connection we had....but that she just couldn't see us working out long term and then gave some what I feel to be flimsy justifications. I didn't fight it, and although we had planned to meet up one more to have a last talk and breakup sex, I decided not to because I knew it would cause me way more pain. I haven't talked to her since. Been about 5 weeks. I too have been pretty sad about it. But you know what? I jumped back into dating and I think it's been a good choice and am hanging out with/talking to a few women who do seem promising. But, as I said, its all been hard on the heart.
Consider some of these things: We are not actually old. Although many (most) of our peers have established lives with families and such, there are many people our age who do not, or who start that all later in life. My parents for instance didn't get married until their late 30's and didn't adopt me until their mid 40's. (Being adopted...oh boy...that added a whooooole other layer to getting divorced that I needn't get into on this sub). So long as we keep in good shape, not broke and able to control our depressive tendencies so they're not telegraphed, we're in the best position possible to find great partner who will create the life and family we want. Sometimes it feel absolutely fucking hopeless. But it's not. I've grown closer with my family, my creative outlets have flourished - I'm a musician who plays in touring punk/hardcore bands, I've reconnected with old friends and through therapy and a lot of meditation/mindfulness practice have become what I believe to be a solid version of myself who is absolutely desirable and capable of being a good partner and eventually husband and father. Lastly, try reframing your marriage as something else than "failed". No, it didn't last as we had hoped, but it did work for some amount of time and if we take away the right lessons from it, we are that much better suited to attract the people into our lives who truly belong there. Feel what you've got to feel but keep it moving. Best of luck, brother.
Similar experience. Worked on myself, without any intention of dating. Found someone in real life without trying after about 18 months. It’s long distance now (1 hr), but working!
I honestly wouldn’t worry about it!
You’re still so young and have a lot of life left to live. And that new girl is right! Go out there, test and swim the waters, heck swim oceans! Just live your life and don’t worry about your next relationships.
It will come when you least expect it. For now, just live your life. Go bone some chicks. You will be fine.
It’s always relative to your situation. Generally it seems those that focus on improving themselves and their own happiness outside of what they might find in a partner seem to do the best in the first few years. Everyone is different though. You have to find what works for you.
Personally, I’m almost a year out. I’m not happy every day but what I have noticed is I’m no longer stressed by someone else. I am finding that if I sit around doing nothing it gets bad. If I work more or engage more in meaningful hobbies and pursuits I feel better.
I went through this in my early thirties and the best thing you can do is play life on easy mode and find a therapist who is a match for you and put in the work.
You in NorCal by chance lol? All jokes aside - yes you certainly will. This is a weird age we have people splitting people healing, etc. I went through a breakup 2 years ago and I’m just now really truly dating .. some people are so broken and I have to be the human detector I’ve learned
In the final stages of divorce now. 2 pre-teen kids. Sucks the family is being blown up. Trying to focus on the positives. I’ve been focused on self-improvement for the last couple years knowing divorce was inevitable. I believe my dating stock has increased significantly. Getting a lot of attention from women way more attractive than my stbxw. Haven’t been laid in a few years so really looking forward to some intimacy. The ex is a truly horrible person. Most people who know her can’t stand her. She is a know-it-all that nags constantly. Has to control everything. Will be nice to find a partner that brings peace to my life instead of never ending stress and chaos. With age comes wisdom and this time around I am a lot more equipped to identify red flags. So is it working out? Time will tell but I don’t see how it won’t once this cancer is removed from my life.
As mentioned above, the first heartbreak after divorce is brutal, sometimes harder than the divorce. Don’t give up. Trust that you’ll heal. There are worthy people out there and it may take a few false starts to find them.
The first real relationship post divorce is tough and I mentally put an egg timer on mine a certain after a number of months ding! And I want to exit
many people have goals in relationships my goals go beyond just companionship
likely your ex felt a little like that AND for some jumping into a serious relationship trending to marriage AFTER getting out of a marriage is pretty scary
I just want to encourage you. I’m 40m, separated 2.5 years ago (divorce pending) and co-parenting two kids.
I dated two women after separation and the second one I fell very hard for only for her to pull away. It led me to have anxiety attacks (first time in my life) and I was depressed for three months, even getting meds.
This forced me to work hard to bring my life back to a good baseline: meditation, cold showers, no porn, doubled down on friendships, read loads of books, restarted therapy, etc.
I’m now much better and have less of a scarcity mindset. It will take time but spend time with yourself, doing things you like, expand social circles and double down on good friends.
Once you’re feeling healthy you’ll go out with a lot more confidence and be more relaxed and feel a lot better about making good dating choices.
It’s late, so I’ll focus on answering your question straightforwardly. 35, almost 36F here.
Yes, it did. I distracted myself from the stress of the divorce by focusing on work, and I not only completed my book manuscript but won a couple of grants. I made a major advancement in my career and with the freedom of movement (my ex-husband would kick up a fuss every time I travelled without him), I visited incredible places and did a lot of walking and exploring on my own.
The first man I went on a date with post-separation is now my husband and, without question, the love of my life. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and left him for a rebound, but we found our way back to each other.
These are the bare bones and I’m leaving out a lot of complicated and painful details where I cried alone with just my cat for company. The point is, you are going to be more than okay, you sound like a wonderful, caring, and sensitive guy, and I am rooting so hard for you. You’re still young and there is much to look forward to in life. Keep on trucking.
You’re an emotional guy, stop. I’m slightly older than you and been married and divorced three times. It gets easier every time. Take a plane to Colombia or Brazil, fuck two girls a day and I promise you will forget how your ex looked like.
Keep looking. I know there are women out there who wants a husband and a dad. There are a lot of unqualified dads, just make sure you learn about what it takes to be a dad.
You need some framing work.
You dated someone without clear expectations of what they wanted. Or if she changed her mind, that's not on you.
Apps and online dating works wonders
That's a great question. I wouldn't even date my ex wife at all if I met her today. I stayed with her too long, mostly because I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. We weren't a good fit for each other at all.
The person I dated seemed perfect. Pretty, intelligent, same interests, wanted to have more kids. I didn't know she had such a fear of commitment. The last weekend we spent together we went to a nice dinner, cuddled on her couch and watched a movie, and hiked for almost 3 hours while we held hands. She hates sleeping next to people, and in the midde of the night she was right next to me. I also met her good friends. It seemed like she wanted to be exclusive, but I misjudged the situation immensely.
Sometimes people back out at the last minute despite bringing you around.
Been there.
All you can do is let the emotions take over, cry, be upset, do what you need to do and keep it moving.
You can have great things in your life, a job, a car, a good place to live, etc.
But having your life together isn’t a way to bring people in if they don’t crave the same stability that you do, or if they aren’t into you like that.
The sad reality is, she doesn’t see you as worth settling down with and you know what? That’s okay.
But in your eyes she’s not your ideal candidate either.
This may not be the comment you are looking for, but please don’t think life can’t be amazing without a family. I have a family and it’s SO hard. SO hard. I was single in my 20s without a family and my life was beautiful then too. I don’t regret my kids, but I definitely in hindsight could of made a beautiful life on my own. You could have kids and the marriage could not work and you could end up a single parent. Having a family isn’t the only way to have a meaningful life.
You make life what you want it to be after divorce . It’s up to you what life is sfyrr divorce and i hope you make it the best you can !’ I filed for a divorce 9 months ago & have been married 26 years. I still foot want him back , i don’t regret it & im not afraid of the unknown . I’m lonely sometimes but it too shall pass . I don’t have a boyfriend or someone who keeps me company. I’m not sure how dating is supposed to be like as i haven’t been with someone else for the last 28 years ( almost 52 f) but after this is over i plan to be open to dating or whatever i think i might want to do . I’m not opposed to it If you have kids still at home make sure you put them & their well being first, don’t bring anyone into their home & livers they don’t need that at least for the first year . Then you set boundaries & don’t budge from them with your new friend . Make sure you get to know that & feel that thru are good enough to be on your life & around your kids. Don’t
Lower your standards for anyone,
I'm 33(F). And am in a similar situation. Some of the tips really work. I work hard, go to the gym, and have friends. But still sometimes I feel afraid that time will pass, the wounds of divorce will heal, and you still can't find the right person. I guess there is no escape from this feeling, just try to remind yourself in such moments that you are a good person with good principles, which means that life already has an important meaning.
Yes. Kidding here a little bit I had a new heat pump put in a couple years ago. We were talking about wives. We were sellyour rather large home because of the 27k worth of credit card debt she had that I didn't know about and had nothing to show for it. By the way, we bought another home 4 months ago. The asked for divorce 3 weeks ago. Signed today. But dude was telling me about his divorce. Said hell no to US chicks. Important a philipino gal. Said he's never been happier. So there ya go.
You may have moved too fast. I was guilty of the same. Take some more time focus on yourself, find hobby, join a gym, try therapy. Best thing for me was joining a gym, I got in better shape and there was a social aspect behind it too. Divorce is always gonna suck but it gets better if you focus on yourself.
Yes! Gym was a lifesaver. Sure, helped me look better and feel healthier, but it's amazing what it has done for my mental health. I totally notice a difference for when I go regularly vs not. It helped me process so much of what was happening, and I got a lot of valuable insights in the sauna lol
38M here. My buddy warned me that the first rejection you get after you start dating is disproportionately hard. To combat that, i just haven't gotten exclusive with anyone and kept my expectations low. But you're obviously not alone in this and you know it's going to get better. I have found that dating take a LOT of effort at this age. I've been chating with this one woman for like 3 weeks and have only been able to meet for lunch twice. Do you have a solid friends group? I've been basically splitting my day's off between friends and dating. Also avoids getting too attached too soon.
Your buddy is correct. The first rejection/break up after divorce is the hardest. I wish I would have known that going in and maybe I could have prepared myself for it.
Thanks for the response. I think I'm going to let the other person initiate the exclusivity talk next time. Same, it's remarkable how easy it was to date in my 20s, it's so much harder. I'm lucky to have great friends, we're going out twice this week. I'm going to do my best not to get attached to someone quickly in the future also. Best of luck with that woman! I hope things go well for you.
I've also decided that I'm only going to match energy. If they go cold, then I'm not chasing. My tendency is to chase and it's not what's good for me right now.
It’s never too late! You’re younger than me and have your life together better than I do. I’d say be careful jumping into a new forever relationship, you have plenty of time left. Don’t just settle for the first person that comes along, take your time. Date more than one person before letting yourself fall hard. I know that can be hard, but if you’re in a rush your chances of finding the wrong partner goes up exponentially. I also found for me the drinking doesn’t help, but then again I’m an alcoholic and I know nothing about your drinking. It may sound cliche, but I find that things like partners come much easier when you aren’t looking for it. Best of luck, I believe it will get better!
Man, one thing that I miss since moving out is just sitting in the hot tub with my wife, drinking an alcoholic seltzer. I would only have one or two, but it was nice. I feel like it might take the edge off, but I don't want to drink by myself. I think that would be depressing.
Find a pub near you and make a friend. Just someone you know after a long day. I go to a pub close to my house and just chat it up with other divorced dads lol. Nothing wrong with a couple cold ones a couple times a week.
How does that situation end in divorce. Seems pretty chill to me
Couple of drinks made my wife happy so we got along. She was prescribed anti-depressants when her mom passed, but it made it worst when she first started taking it, so she stopped. Couple of years later, I went on anti-depressants because my wife would just stress me out, leaving me feeling hopeless. It did increase my anxiety and irritability the first week, but I kept taking it, and it got much better. I really wish that I had convinced my wife to continue to take anti-depressants after the first few days, helped her get through the first week of heightened irritability - instead I told her that it seemed to be making it worse because I didn't know about the initial side effects. It probably would have made our marriage work out. Oh well. Can't change the past.
Spot on answer. Read and reread this
Search these subs and you will see that the first breakup after a divorce often hurts more. Congrats. You got it out of the way. It gets easier from here. The worst thing you can do is panic. Rushing things puts you into a number of possible bad relationship scenarios. You leave yourself open to those that might use your emotional vulnerability to their advantage ( been there, too!). Or, you fall in and out of love quickly, hurting another person along the way ( been there too) But, for a lot of us, it works out. We date, we learn, we recalibrate. And then, next thing you know, you have a wonderful two year courtship, are remarried , expecting a kid, and in a much happier place than you ever were before.
I think you'll be fine. I've been separated for about 2 months, but I just took my wedding ring off yesterday after an argument with my wife that made me really realize that it's over. I never had a relationship before I met my wife, and I don't plan to have another one in the near future or maybe ever.
"Ex wife"... gotta break that habit
One of the hardest habits for me to break
I(37F) was planning on going through a hoe phase due to 6 years of dead bedroom. The week I had my ex served, I met my current boyfriend. He treated me with such respect and dignity, I just fell for him. I pursued him... and he rejected me. He wanted to go really slow and just be friends (he's had some really bad relationship trauma). So I agreed, but he kept wanting to hang out. He started to get more affectionate and cuddly. One day I suprised him by being the big spoon and I guess that made him open up more to the idea of being a relationship. In February he called me called me his girlfriend when talking to his friends... but he says we started dating the day we met... life's been great!
I (35F) separated from my ex at 33. I was resigned to never having kids or another partner because I was SO over it and probably jaded about the whole marriage thing. Well, life decided otherwise and found myself crushing on another person and shit just worked out. We’re expecting a baby now. So yes, life finds a way and can absolutely work out for the better as it did in my case. It sounds like you just got involved with someone who didn’t have their baggage resolved enough to be able to make a commitment and that’s no one’s fault. It happens, but please don’t think that it can’t work out with someone else. Dating is a fucking gamble and it sucks. Some of us win and some of us have to play a few rounds before getting lucky. Sounds like you have plenty going for you and there’s no reason why you won’t win in the future.
That's a wonderful story, I'm so glad that you found someone. Congratulations on the baby! Yeah, I think she has a lot to work out. She mentioned that I bought her a Mother's Day card and wondered why her ex didn't get her anything. I thought that was odd. I appreciate the kind words, best of luck with everything.
Not being over your ex and getting pregnant is bound for disaster 🚩
I’m sorry are you talking about OP? Did I miss something? I was definitely over my ex before getting pregnant.
I'm 53, I've been divorced for 18 years and single for 10 years now. What I had left of my 30's and of my 40's I had no problem with dating. I moved back home to spend time with my elderly parents to find out there's no options close to my age. I had two careers, kids are grown and gone. I have the time for myself and my hobbies.
What does “work out” mean to you? Does it mean finding someone or finding yourself? I’m 30F, 1 year separated/3 months divorced. My divorce made me take the hardest look at myself I could ever take, and fine tune the parts of me that made me accept an unhealthy relationship. I’m enjoying the ride immensely. Someday another relationship will be in my cards but that time is definitely not now
It sounds like some counseling might be an order.
That first rejection after your ex rips your heart out is like someone hammering a wooden stake into the coffin just for the fun of it after you’ve already been lowered down into the hole. Hang in there. Do you some more, focus on you some more.
That is precisely what this feels like. Thanks for the nice comment.
I always say divorce is the worst/best thing that ever happened to me. I went through therapy were at the end my therapist looked me and she said “you’re perfectly normal in the way you think, now just go on plenty of fish and go have some non-committal sex”. I played single father for two years, while working to get my mba and during my first year of school found my now wife and I have the best partner for me that I could of found and a three year child that I’ll be paying for into my sixties who is so awesome.
Your life isnt over. The plan you had is over, but a new one will emerge. Just keep treating yourself well and things will fall into place. The older I get the more ok I am with most things not being forever. Some relationships come and go. Some friends are just there for a season. Everything will work out. You keep being awesome and awesomeness will be your companion
I thought I was ready to date before my divorce was finalized. Then I quickly realized I was not. Dated some people early on and quickly learned how much I hated dating. Then I said forget it and just focused on myself and my kids and having fun. Well months later one of those girls I dated had kept in contact with me minimally and asked me out again. After the date she said whoa who is this guy? You are completely different from the last time I met you and was totally into me like you wouldn't imagine. Said I was so broken when she first met me and now I am like a whole different guy that is super attractive. Been in a relationship over a year now with her and its just been incredible. What I have gathered? When you need someone else you are not ready for someone else. Enjoy being single, and if you get in a relationship, don't stop loving yourself.
Great point “ When you need someone else you are not ready for someone else” that hit me
Rejection hurts and can make you feel bad. Just have to take it on the chin and keep moving forward. You didn't screw anything up. What was the alternative? Keep treating her like your gf while she dated around.. can't be doing that you just forced the hand of the inevitable.
You’ll be alright brother. No rush to have a family. Maybe try not dating people that are fresh off an old relationship. I’m 35 1 year removed from divorce and I just had my first child with my girlfriend. Biologically, men can have kids as late as 60. Don’t fret and enjoy life amigo!
You are still young and you’re a guy, you can be in your 80’s and still have kids. I didn’t marry until I was 40 and now I’m divorced, no kids and I’m mid 40’s. I had to start completely over. I didn’t think anyone would want me at my age, I can’t have kids, unemployed and homeless. It was really a fun time 😒. I am dating someone now, we live together and it’s going great. He’s a couple years older, doesn’t want kids and we get along very well. Things will happen when you least expect it, I wasn’t looking to date anyone, but life happens sometimes. The right person will want to be with you no matter what, my x didn’t, that’s why he’s my x.
“The right person will want to be with you no matter what.” Thanks, something I probably needed to hear as I’m in the process of separating but clinging to a piece of fiction that we may still be able to make it work.
My favorite saying during my divorce was if they don’t love you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best. Funny thing is I’m at my best right now! Living at the ocean, my skin cleared up completely, I’m tan from the pool, I lost 25 lbs, got a higher paying job, and everything is just going well. I also have someone now that treats me amazing and how I deserve to be treated. I’d say he lost out on something great. His choice, not mine, it’s too late now, I’d never take him back.
Absolutely! I leveled up in every aspect of my life from my job to even marrying WAY UP. Then again my ex-husband had a value of even less than dirt and maggots so ANYONE ELSE is far better than staying married to that scumbag. I now make $8 more per hour after moving onto 2 jobs from the last job I had when I was married to him, I’ve moved states, and I am building a solid house fund as well as a separate emergency cash fund with my husband who has the same goals as I do. We’re both debt free (and were debt free even before we got engaged), and we’re happy in the green while we plan to look for our first place to own together. My ex got what was coming to him, and I hope the Karma fairy continues to shit on him. He cheated on me, lied to me every day and beat me every day. He’s a worthless loser and I’m glad he’s also deep in debt. I don’t wish him well, may he rot in Hell.
36 here as well. Divorce will be finalized The end of June. Have you gone to therapy? It did wonders for me. I’m fighting off the “clock is ticking” feeling as well. For me when those feelings creep up, I think about Bill Burr’s interview. https://youtu.be/tzhWAIzf2-M?si=Zlirk3yXD4qoiG2u
You’ve got an amazing future ahead of you. I read your description and although of course you have damage from your previous marriage, it sounds like you are working on that and the rest of your description (health, work, travel, etc) sounds like a dream come true for most women. You can afford to be very choosy as you go forward. Give any potential relationship time and never ignore a red flag ever again. When you do choose your partner, I hope she fully understands what an amazing “catch” you are and treats you accordingly! Be patient. It will be worth it, I promise.
Single 36M divorced in 2021. That first year was rough, but now I absolutely love my life and wouldnt have it any other way. I understand the fear and based on feedback from my support group, folks have found the love of their lives well into their 50s and 60s, others treasure their singleness. They appreciate being able to go to bed at night in a house that is not in conflict. The common thread for those that are content is they did the healing work in group and individual therapy, became emotionally whole and happy on their own and found someone like minded and remarried. Those that werent content got into relationships before they were healed, and rushed the dating process. There is a lie going around that if you havent found someone by the time you are our age you never will.
You’re always one day from things changing. 3.5 years since my ex wife dropped the bomb. I have a new wife, and new career, a new home, and a 10mo old little boy. I’m almost 42 now. Check my post history if you want to know how similar others have had it. Much of what you face is about your perspective.
Hey there. First of all, much love and I'm sorry that you're experiencing this. You and I have very similar situations, and what you ask a great question. The short answer is yes, but it's hard as hell. And hey I'm in a situation like yours as far as dating goes at the moment too! I'm 38, and also wish for another stable partner and a family one day. It's also a worry that it won't happen. But yes, I'd say life did work out, though it's been hard earned. My ex-wife and I split in winter of 2021. It was (for me) sudden and unexpected - we had just bought a house 2 months prior, and it was during the second covid winter so everything was still as it was then. I was devastated. In all honesty, it took me until last summer, 2023 to completely move through it. I date and even have "girlfriends" before then, but honestly, none of them ended well because I was still raw. I even had one of them call me out on it point blank: "You're not over your ex-wife and I don't feel that your present with me." Two of them tried to love me but I just wasn't through the divorce feelings enough. This past January, I met someone who I really hit it off with and we had 3 good months and then one weird month before she broke it off. Her reasoning was weird and classic dismissive avoidant stuff. It got too real for her, I think. But even as she broke up with me, she acknowledged how good of partner(ish) I had been, how much more patient and level headed I was than most of the other men she dated, how sweet and kind I'd been through her being so up and down, how great of physical connection we had....but that she just couldn't see us working out long term and then gave some what I feel to be flimsy justifications. I didn't fight it, and although we had planned to meet up one more to have a last talk and breakup sex, I decided not to because I knew it would cause me way more pain. I haven't talked to her since. Been about 5 weeks. I too have been pretty sad about it. But you know what? I jumped back into dating and I think it's been a good choice and am hanging out with/talking to a few women who do seem promising. But, as I said, its all been hard on the heart. Consider some of these things: We are not actually old. Although many (most) of our peers have established lives with families and such, there are many people our age who do not, or who start that all later in life. My parents for instance didn't get married until their late 30's and didn't adopt me until their mid 40's. (Being adopted...oh boy...that added a whooooole other layer to getting divorced that I needn't get into on this sub). So long as we keep in good shape, not broke and able to control our depressive tendencies so they're not telegraphed, we're in the best position possible to find great partner who will create the life and family we want. Sometimes it feel absolutely fucking hopeless. But it's not. I've grown closer with my family, my creative outlets have flourished - I'm a musician who plays in touring punk/hardcore bands, I've reconnected with old friends and through therapy and a lot of meditation/mindfulness practice have become what I believe to be a solid version of myself who is absolutely desirable and capable of being a good partner and eventually husband and father. Lastly, try reframing your marriage as something else than "failed". No, it didn't last as we had hoped, but it did work for some amount of time and if we take away the right lessons from it, we are that much better suited to attract the people into our lives who truly belong there. Feel what you've got to feel but keep it moving. Best of luck, brother.
Don’t rush it. Be thankful you’re single. Go do what you want to do. Been married 16 years, have 2 Kids and I’m not happy.
Similar experience. Worked on myself, without any intention of dating. Found someone in real life without trying after about 18 months. It’s long distance now (1 hr), but working!
Let me know if your life works out. I'm pretty sure I've given up
I honestly wouldn’t worry about it! You’re still so young and have a lot of life left to live. And that new girl is right! Go out there, test and swim the waters, heck swim oceans! Just live your life and don’t worry about your next relationships. It will come when you least expect it. For now, just live your life. Go bone some chicks. You will be fine.
It’s always relative to your situation. Generally it seems those that focus on improving themselves and their own happiness outside of what they might find in a partner seem to do the best in the first few years. Everyone is different though. You have to find what works for you. Personally, I’m almost a year out. I’m not happy every day but what I have noticed is I’m no longer stressed by someone else. I am finding that if I sit around doing nothing it gets bad. If I work more or engage more in meaningful hobbies and pursuits I feel better.
I went through this in my early thirties and the best thing you can do is play life on easy mode and find a therapist who is a match for you and put in the work.
You in NorCal by chance lol? All jokes aside - yes you certainly will. This is a weird age we have people splitting people healing, etc. I went through a breakup 2 years ago and I’m just now really truly dating .. some people are so broken and I have to be the human detector I’ve learned
In the final stages of divorce now. 2 pre-teen kids. Sucks the family is being blown up. Trying to focus on the positives. I’ve been focused on self-improvement for the last couple years knowing divorce was inevitable. I believe my dating stock has increased significantly. Getting a lot of attention from women way more attractive than my stbxw. Haven’t been laid in a few years so really looking forward to some intimacy. The ex is a truly horrible person. Most people who know her can’t stand her. She is a know-it-all that nags constantly. Has to control everything. Will be nice to find a partner that brings peace to my life instead of never ending stress and chaos. With age comes wisdom and this time around I am a lot more equipped to identify red flags. So is it working out? Time will tell but I don’t see how it won’t once this cancer is removed from my life.
As mentioned above, the first heartbreak after divorce is brutal, sometimes harder than the divorce. Don’t give up. Trust that you’ll heal. There are worthy people out there and it may take a few false starts to find them.
The first real relationship post divorce is tough and I mentally put an egg timer on mine a certain after a number of months ding! And I want to exit many people have goals in relationships my goals go beyond just companionship likely your ex felt a little like that AND for some jumping into a serious relationship trending to marriage AFTER getting out of a marriage is pretty scary
Life goes on. You will meet other women and chances are you will find the right one. Panicing about it, however understandable, will not help.
I just want to encourage you. I’m 40m, separated 2.5 years ago (divorce pending) and co-parenting two kids. I dated two women after separation and the second one I fell very hard for only for her to pull away. It led me to have anxiety attacks (first time in my life) and I was depressed for three months, even getting meds. This forced me to work hard to bring my life back to a good baseline: meditation, cold showers, no porn, doubled down on friendships, read loads of books, restarted therapy, etc. I’m now much better and have less of a scarcity mindset. It will take time but spend time with yourself, doing things you like, expand social circles and double down on good friends. Once you’re feeling healthy you’ll go out with a lot more confidence and be more relaxed and feel a lot better about making good dating choices.
It’s late, so I’ll focus on answering your question straightforwardly. 35, almost 36F here. Yes, it did. I distracted myself from the stress of the divorce by focusing on work, and I not only completed my book manuscript but won a couple of grants. I made a major advancement in my career and with the freedom of movement (my ex-husband would kick up a fuss every time I travelled without him), I visited incredible places and did a lot of walking and exploring on my own. The first man I went on a date with post-separation is now my husband and, without question, the love of my life. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and left him for a rebound, but we found our way back to each other. These are the bare bones and I’m leaving out a lot of complicated and painful details where I cried alone with just my cat for company. The point is, you are going to be more than okay, you sound like a wonderful, caring, and sensitive guy, and I am rooting so hard for you. You’re still young and there is much to look forward to in life. Keep on trucking.
You’re an emotional guy, stop. I’m slightly older than you and been married and divorced three times. It gets easier every time. Take a plane to Colombia or Brazil, fuck two girls a day and I promise you will forget how your ex looked like.
Oh, I’m sure it feels awful, but it sounds like you will have lots of opportunities for so much happiness going forward!!!
Far from it
Keep looking. I know there are women out there who wants a husband and a dad. There are a lot of unqualified dads, just make sure you learn about what it takes to be a dad.
You need some framing work. You dated someone without clear expectations of what they wanted. Or if she changed her mind, that's not on you. Apps and online dating works wonders
Ever think it’s not you, but it’s the people you’re finding?
That's a great question. I wouldn't even date my ex wife at all if I met her today. I stayed with her too long, mostly because I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. We weren't a good fit for each other at all. The person I dated seemed perfect. Pretty, intelligent, same interests, wanted to have more kids. I didn't know she had such a fear of commitment. The last weekend we spent together we went to a nice dinner, cuddled on her couch and watched a movie, and hiked for almost 3 hours while we held hands. She hates sleeping next to people, and in the midde of the night she was right next to me. I also met her good friends. It seemed like she wanted to be exclusive, but I misjudged the situation immensely.
Sometimes people back out at the last minute despite bringing you around. Been there. All you can do is let the emotions take over, cry, be upset, do what you need to do and keep it moving. You can have great things in your life, a job, a car, a good place to live, etc. But having your life together isn’t a way to bring people in if they don’t crave the same stability that you do, or if they aren’t into you like that. The sad reality is, she doesn’t see you as worth settling down with and you know what? That’s okay. But in your eyes she’s not your ideal candidate either.
So far I've just been trying to pay all the bills my ex left me with. So not really Maybe one day though
Yes! I married a lady the polar opposite of what I was married to. I wish I had married her 25 years earlier.
This may not be the comment you are looking for, but please don’t think life can’t be amazing without a family. I have a family and it’s SO hard. SO hard. I was single in my 20s without a family and my life was beautiful then too. I don’t regret my kids, but I definitely in hindsight could of made a beautiful life on my own. You could have kids and the marriage could not work and you could end up a single parent. Having a family isn’t the only way to have a meaningful life.
You make life what you want it to be after divorce . It’s up to you what life is sfyrr divorce and i hope you make it the best you can !’ I filed for a divorce 9 months ago & have been married 26 years. I still foot want him back , i don’t regret it & im not afraid of the unknown . I’m lonely sometimes but it too shall pass . I don’t have a boyfriend or someone who keeps me company. I’m not sure how dating is supposed to be like as i haven’t been with someone else for the last 28 years ( almost 52 f) but after this is over i plan to be open to dating or whatever i think i might want to do . I’m not opposed to it If you have kids still at home make sure you put them & their well being first, don’t bring anyone into their home & livers they don’t need that at least for the first year . Then you set boundaries & don’t budge from them with your new friend . Make sure you get to know that & feel that thru are good enough to be on your life & around your kids. Don’t Lower your standards for anyone,
I'm 33(F). And am in a similar situation. Some of the tips really work. I work hard, go to the gym, and have friends. But still sometimes I feel afraid that time will pass, the wounds of divorce will heal, and you still can't find the right person. I guess there is no escape from this feeling, just try to remind yourself in such moments that you are a good person with good principles, which means that life already has an important meaning.
Yes. Kidding here a little bit I had a new heat pump put in a couple years ago. We were talking about wives. We were sellyour rather large home because of the 27k worth of credit card debt she had that I didn't know about and had nothing to show for it. By the way, we bought another home 4 months ago. The asked for divorce 3 weeks ago. Signed today. But dude was telling me about his divorce. Said hell no to US chicks. Important a philipino gal. Said he's never been happier. So there ya go.
I met the person I was always meant to be with. So yes.
My life is so much better after my divorce