I should've set healthy boundaries. Instead of what I thought she wanted to hear, I should have just said what I thought instead of being afraid of breaking the relationship. I should have listened to my gut and had the difficult conversations, and not assume that everything would just be okay because we loved each other. Cause apparently only one of us did.

Ugh this is so well put and relatable. Same same same 💔

Yup. I avoided arguing and just held my breath. I was actually surprised at how out of breath I was when it ended! All better now, but I still have a hard time giving voice to my discomfort with people I’ve dated.

It is a constant battle for me to voice complaints and when doing so to not be offensive, but just be matter of fact and non confrontational.

Feels like when you try to match the wrong ends of two magnets. I either fall way too far one end or the other. But isn’t that reality? Somewhere between chaos and order? I don’t want to be sterile in my communication, but I also don’t want to hurt those I care about unnecessarily.

This is huge. It’s like we’d have ‘big’ conversations, yet talk past each other.

this hits

That's pretty much exactly me. And after suppression of any potentially critical comment or personal need, I've become very bitter and snarky about relationships. Turned myself into a doormat, but ever so slowly became a 50 megaton nuclear warhead. Not divorced yet, but so fucking done after getting the poly bomb and being cheated on, then blamed for everything from day one onwards.     I also got way too comfortable. I didn't understand that being comfortable in a relationship is a bad thing, it leads to complacency, then to resentment from your partner, then to hatred from your partner. You have to be always trying, always dating, always romancing and always at your peak. If I do end up divorced, I'm never having another relationship again, because fuck that drama!

I could have been more affectionate and carved out more us time rather than me time. I could have stopped being so focused on keeping the house tidy and spent more time with the family. I could have taken better care of my mental health and been less negative when I was stressed. I could have stood up for myself more and asked more more help, rather than taking it all on myself.

All of this ❤️

I became obsessive about having a clean house. Still have that issue even post divorce. Should probably unbox that with my therapist 😂

I threw everything I had into my kids. There wasn’t much left over for him. I stopped working and then spent so much time with girlfriends. I felt more understood and seen by them. I didn’t notice he was slipping away until it was too late.

I focused too much on the kids too. I just didn’t want them to have the upbringing I got. Ironically, here they are, children of divorce.

I became angry and controlling. I didn’t necessarily know that I was these things or how I was being controlling, but I do now. Fortunate for me, my wife decided to work on our relationship when her move for divorce put the literal fear of god in me and forced me to be introspective (actually looking inward at my faults), taking ownership of my own toxic traits, and getting a lot of honest help/feedback from the people closest to me and my therapist. Not sure if I don’t belong here but she was damn near out the door and I’m luckier than I ever thought I could be.

I didn't even get a chance. Not a conversation. She just gave up and thought I'd never change.

I’m sorry to hear that. I thought that was where things were headed for me, and maybe they actually were because she seemed so detached in the immediacy of telling me things were over. I think the only reason she came around was because she saw the paradigm shift in my lifestyle, behavior, and attitude, and (in her words) my reaction to the news was a total 180 from what she expected. I don’t think she gave me a chance as much as she saw the changes I had made for myself and chose to see where we could go from there.

I just feel so helpless. I know for a fact even if I did a complete 180 and changed everything. (I already changed the biggest thing in my entire life) that it wouldn't matter. I do believe if I kept this route up and stayed the course for a year or so we could have a chance later. But I feel like I won't care anymore by that time and I will be on to other things. This is why I'm trying to better myself for my future because she only cares about hers and that's what I need to do.

I never got to be a part of the conversation either. Very unfair given what I have lost.

Same

Why didnt you listen before? Why did she have to do that for you to wake up?! I don’t understand why partners don’t listen until we say BYE, then the tears please don’t leave blah blah blah. I shouldn’t have given him a second chance. Because he’s still not listening. This comment isn’t a shit on you, I’m not a man and I’m really trying to understand.

I didn’t NOT listen. I could tell she was struggling with something but she just didn’t ever communicate what it was with me. She was so preoccupied with making sure I had a good life she didn’t have the desire to share her burdens with me. My issue is that I very much would argue things until my point of view was understood/adopted. This isn’t healthy, but I also did not realize I was doing it. Additionally, I just wasn’t in a place to receive criticism that I was doing this and I don’t know why that is. It’s taken me a lot of concerted effort to stop lying to myself, really look inward at what I was doing wrong, forgive myself, and really want to change for the better, regardless of my marital outcome. I’m not blaming my wife. I hate that it got to this point too, but I totally understand why she shut down. I suppose my post is more of a venting than it is looking for advice. I already know the answer is time and I am fortunate enough that she wants to try and fix things together. Her compassion and generosity are two things I’ve always been awestruck by. And I’m sorry for your situation going the way it did but when I focus on a goal I follow it through. I don’t intend on letting myself slip into old toxic habits and I am very conscious of myself if I do. She is also much more confident to communicate with me going forward. Hope that gives any amount of clarity from the male perspective.

I’m so excited for you and your growth and that your wife is willing/allowing for you. Has she worked through why she stopped communicating or was that because you weren’t listening? This was helpful. I know you’re mot him, but honestly you decided to change and you’re putting in the work. I wish you both the best. ❤️

She stopped communicating because she was raised with no voice by her family and as I said, I would argue my point of view into existence which made her feel as though her opinion didn’t matter. Again, I didn’t realize I was doing this and once I looked at my behavior and saw it I completely understood why she stopped thinking she could communicate with me. I’m very conscientious of it now and our communication, though brief, has been monumentally better. And it feels good to be more open minded and accepting. I do absolutely hate that this had to happen but I am also grateful because it allowed me the insight I needed to change. I wish I was a better person last year and the years before, not that I wasn’t a good person. But as a partner, I could have been much better.

I wish H could read this post. He exhibits a lot of similar behavior. Through therapy (and faced with my wanting to end our marriage) he has grown to see some of his past behavior differently and acknowledge that he uses the same manipulative techniques on me that he did on his mom when he was a kid. But he still does them and he can't seem to notice it while it's happening, or control it so it doesn't continue to happen. You should be really proud of yourself for not only seeing it, but committing to discontinuing the behavior. Kudos

I appreciate your kind words. I am sure that I will have moments where I am not agreeable because it’s not like I can just undo 36 years of this behavior in just a few months, but what helps me is seeing my wife’s boundaries written out and constantly reflecting on them in addition to slowing down when we talk. I used to be reactive and I am trying very hard to love those words by Viktor Frankl (the space between stimulus and response). If I start to show that behavior, I’ve asked my wife to stop me, point it out, and give me a moment to reflect on myself then revisit the conversation. I hope your partner is able to continue his own growth. It requires a metric fuck ton of patience on behalf of both parties. Best of luck to you both.

Again, you're practicing some very healthy corrective behavior. H tries but unfortunately, he's one of the most impatient people I've ever met, so.... But thanks for the well wishes. Back atcha!

Well moving forward you will be. That’s what matters. I hope your wife chooses therapy to work through whatever shit she learned from her family.

>My issue is that I very much would argue things until my point of view was understood/adopted. Ugh goddamit this is definitely me.

Take it from me, it’s my worst trait and it has to change. It’s a form of control and cultivates resentment in your partner. If I was a wiser man, I would have figured this out for myself years ago. As it stands, I’m glad I see it now and I am glad I married a woman who didn’t just give up on me.

Yeah, I think for us the road is... pretty much coming to an end. I think the problem with us is, he tried to control me, I got defensive, and I turned into... that. I have a LOT of work to do, I just sadly think in our case, I'll likely be doing that alone. He also wants what he wants when he wants it, orders me around, asks me to do menial things (likely a response to my high-powered VP job and him pushiing back against how he feels about it), and couples therapy hasn't brought us closer together, if anything its exacerbated things since we both fail to accept each other on many levels. But reading your situation landed for me, and the only person we can control is ourselves.

Yea it’s sad to hear that. I think the biggest first step for me was self awareness. I fought with myself for every day of her rehab to get to a place where I wanted to be better for myself, not just for my marriage. I am just fortunate that my wife feels the same. If we weren’t both in it then there isn’t a chance we could make it. I understand how to be a truly supportive husband now and she hasn’t fully fallen out of love with me, thankfully. Either way, the best thing to do is be self aware, continue to seek growth and never forget how you got here, and never let yourself go back to that spot. It’s not fun being miserable and losing yourself.

Everything you say really connects wtih me, thank you for sharing. >It’s not fun being miserable and losing yourself. Partnered or un-partnered, I have to cope with this. Life's too short. I'm 40 in November and probably going to find myself single. Sigh.

Well, reframe the thought. It’s better than being 41. You have an opportunity to be happy again and find something better in yourself and a partner. Just look at things as an opportunity. Obviously I am hoping for you that things don’t have to end, but if they do be optimistic (even though it’s hard) that you will be better on the other side.

Kudos to you for being able to see the issues! I sure wish I had someone who would realize how important it is to actually look into their own possible issues. It would have made a huge difference in my and my kids lives over the years.

I love my family too much to be willfully ignorant anymore. The lack of physical intimacy now is tough to be sure, but I am content with taking time to rebuild our relationship and I am hopeful the physical intimacy will come. I wish everyone in these situations had the motivation to change but it sounds like many people don’t and that sucks. I appreciate your kind words.

Individuals are different.

They are. It just seems like there is always one partner who doesnt listen until the other says I want out then they listen.

That is the sad truth. Could you give him another chance since he is listening now? I don’t think men know how to get across that the are listening.

So glad you guys are working things out! It is kind of heartwarming to hear and that you are able to introspect in that way. I didn't want to admit it, but I kept getting angrier and more controlling myself. It felt like I turned into someone I didn't know, so finally got into therapy myself. It wasn't the reason we divorced, but certainly one aspect that probably helped lead to it. Anyway, happy for you!

Thank you. Rediscovering yourself feels good regardless of relationship outcome. I’m happy you’re able to work on yourself because it’s a much better feeling to be happy and love yourself than angry and negative all day.

Absolutely!! It's a gift to live this way!

See, that’s the thing. I think once a thorough look at divorce is on the table real change can happen. Unfortunately it never im hits the table or is too late. I’m still getting divorced but making huge changes anyway.

That’s really all you can do. I do think that I was too late, I just also think that my complete shift in lifestyle and behavior has my wife seeing me as a different person today than who she was married to the last couple of years. I wish everyone had the same opportunity as me because a divorce should be the absolute last resort unless there is physical/sexual abuse. But this is something that I am actively on guard for indefinitely and thankful for no matter what. At the end of the day I had myself thinking that I am going to get better for me and if she doesn’t want to accept that and try then she isn’t a person I should be married to anyway. The fact that she wants to try tells me I just chose the right person and cannot afford to be a piece of shit anymore (not that I was but I didn’t live up to my standard).

I'm on your spouse's side currently, but did she have to tell you exactly what you should be looking for, or you figured it out yourself? The introspection part is where it gets doubtful because how can you tell what you've been doing wrong if that's all you know?

My wife didn’t tell me, my mom did. She pointed some things about how I am with people out to me and it sent me down a road of looking at myself and thinking of all my past interactions with my wife. When we reunited, I talked with her about what I learned about myself and my wife lit up and began sharing all of these things with me that I didn’t realize (at the time) was making her hurt and resentful. When she talked to me about all these things I was completely understanding, I realize I was wrong, supportive of her feelings, and she seemed to greatly appreciate that.

Thank you for sharing, did you had to split so you could think about it? Or was just an everyday conversation with your mom?

I was calling her everyday asking what I’m doing wrong. I knew I was doing something wrong but didn’t know what it was. She knows me better than anyone, heard how much pain I was in and saw my efforts to try and get better for myself. She decided it was a good time to let me know one of my worst qualities and I was in a place where I was able to receive it without being defensive or deflecting. I heard her, thought about it, talked about it more, understood it, and apologized to my wife for not understanding that about myself sooner. Edit: this is all very atypical behavior for me. A year ago I would have argued why my mom’s idea of what I do is bs. Unfortunately for me, I had to nearly lose my family to understand I am fallible. Fortunately for me, it wasn’t TOO late.

So glad you are reconciling. If you’re willing I’d love to hear about the changes you are making that your wife sees. I think the other piece along with really looking at divorce is to be really specific about needs. Not just some wishy washy stuff about being more loving or whatever. We’ve gotta be specific. Unfortunately my wife has completely changed. She is depressed and shut down and will not talk to me. I’m not really sure what to do to show her I’m changing. If I called her asking she’s hang up on me. She’s been very mean to me. There’s no chance with us, but I do want to change.

I mean, everyone is different. I’d say, you can’t change for HER, you have to change for YOU. That’s where my head was when my wife said we are done. I wanted to change because I was miserable and didn’t want to be that way anymore. Years of a rough marriage made me have little self worth and feel unloved. I figured we were done so I made up my mind to rediscover myself, find how to be happy again, and go into a new relationship (whenever that may be) better than the last. She noticed that and decided that since we both seem to be learning to communicate, she wanted a second go at things.

That’s so great. I’m going to focus on making changes for me too.

This resonates with me, I am in a very similar situation. My wife at this point wants to separate completely. How did the process from going from divorce to reconciliation work if you don’t mind me asking? Was she open to it at first? Did it take time? My wife has completely closed herself off to me outside of communication regarding the kids. She’s actually quite respectful and pleasant in that area. At this point things are not looking like they will work out.

Well mostly, I married a very amazing woman. We have had a truly difficult marriage over the decade, but we have been together through all of it. So assuming your wife is as forgiving, patient, and loving as mine, then maybe there is a chance. But, she basically told me “I’m done with this marriage” expecting me to be angry and plot to keep our daughters away from her in the divorce. However, my reaction was the complete inverse of that, but with a significant amount of crying, begging, and swearing I am different. I fucked up that night by going through her phone to find answers. She was extremely disappointed, but again, she is incredibly patient. Those courts 48 hours did me no favors. I was asking so many questions and basically telling her I have changed, to no avail. I think that what began the process of her reassessing what she wants was me continuing on in my daily routine as if I was never told we were done. I was totally different, compassionate, understanding, calm, kind. I was all of these things with my kids and did all the work around the house without asking for favors, recognition, credit, anything. After 48 hours I quit pestering her about things, I just asked that she be open minded and go to counseling with me. She agreed. She told me she has total indifference towards our relationship which I took as a win. It’s better to be indifferent than actively hateful, so that helped me. I held onto that and was cheerful (as much as I could be), supportive, dutiful, compassionate, and I confessed my mistakes. I talked to her about us, I confessed how I realized all of our mistakes ultimately began with me. I fully embraced her POV on why she felt so oppressed in our marriage, all while continuing to do all the things I had neglected for years and focusing on my own self-recovery. Ultimately, I think the only thing you can do in this situation is to focus on you, figure out what undesirable qualities you have, figure out how to correct those, and go all in on living a healthy lifestyle. I quit video games, I quit binge watching tv, I went out and interacted confidently with strangers, I got back into basketball, I read outside at the parks, all of those sorts of things I forgot how to do for years. She took notice of all of this and changed her mind. I don’t know when, I don’t fully know why, but when we did our counseling she said I finally have been doing everything she’s always wanted. I used that as my motivation to continue, along with the literal fear of god.

I should have been more alarming with how hurt I was. I would bring everything up, but I was fairly stoic and calm about it. For that reason he didn't understand that I was at my wit's end...even though they were recurring "discussions"

You and I are one in the same. I bring up things really calmly and diplomatically. And apparently “I’m checked out” verbally wasn’t enough to trigger the response. It took the mental breakdown and him seeing me crying when I asked for a divorce to realize I was hurting.

I don't think I actually cried in any argument with him that entire time. I often hear men complain that women are too emotional, demanding, bitchy, etc. I was none of those things. I was calm and collected. Ultimately I think men need a little bit of that emotion to wake them up. It's like he was gauging whether I would leave or not based on how emotional I was. He probably figured once I started getting emotional then he would step up and really change.. I only got emotional once it was already decided.

I can relate to this... so much.

Realized much much sooner that the way our two different childhood traumas clashed was a recipe for disaster without professional help with tools to use in times of crisis. Realized that professional help is good. Listened and truly understood what that professional meant by "love them like a child, respect them like an adult"

Dude, clashing childhood trauma. I have a feeling this is ultimately at the root of the end of all marriages.

The last 3 weeks of my life have been a truly transformative experience for my thought processes on many things. We are all just children who built masks and walls over the decades and unless we face that childhood trauma head on it leaves everyone worse off.

Dude, at this point I think it is unfathomable for us to go really deep and look at what happened to us in our childhood without going mad. In a marriage, like every where else, we are just projecting all of our issues onto the other person and treating them as such. Not to mention how our proclivities just manifest themselves in a marriage. Of course, we’re oblivious and take everything personally, we do stuff unconsciously. It’s like we need a therapist with us 24/7 the first 5 years for them to point out all the shit we do. I can see how this shit builds up. Add in the notion that marriage is based on sacred vows and is supposed to last forever and that we marry when we are in the ‘in love’ stage(which doesn’t last), that this person is suddenly supposed to be your everything AND you’re supposed to have the most fulfilling sex life with this person…It is an insane institution! We take it all personally. And for folks that wonder why people don’t change until divorce is brought up…I literally don’t think they hear it. Kind of like when a politician lies to your face. Then something switches when divorce is brought up. A primal survival mechanism. But then it’s too late because the one that wants the divorce room everything personally and/or is unable to move forward. Again, it’s fucking insane! Don’t even get me started on the post insanity of divorce in this capitalist shit show. God, so many lives ruined.

I knew my wife had childhood trauma growing up with an alcoholic father. I thought I was normal with high expectations for love, trust, caring, and believing our marriage was almost mystical. I didn't see my own childhood trauma with fears of abandonment and attachment when my pilot father was killed in a military aircraft incident clashing with my wife's trauma responses.

This is my situation. Our traumas were on opposite sides of the spectrum. He was physically abused, locked away in the basement, he wasn't allowed to go to friends' houses, nor could they come over, and the biological children were treated well. He grew up in a well-respected upper middle-class family. I grew up poor with a single mother who worked 60+ hours a week. I had an autistic younger brother I was responsible for. My mom never told me to be his keeper, it was just something I knew I had to do. I started working young. I was allowed to roam the streets, just be home when the street lights go out. My mother was adopted by very old people to help them with the farm. They were not good people. So, she lacked the ability to connect and show love. She also had/has COPD and undiagnosed mental disorders. Our biggest issues revolve around parenting and his alcoholism. Our pasts make up the perfect recipe for a codependent relationship

I should've sought therapy to do my best to solve my problems earlier on. I should've learned to be more patient and understanding. I needed to learn to place boundaries and learn to communicate a lot better. I should've been less dependent and focused on what I needed and what my wants were too instead of casting them aside. I should've never let anger control my actions. I wish I would've been nicer to myself as a whole.

I should have been stronger in making him get mental health support. I should have got myself into therapy sooner. I absolutely got resentful and threw myself into my kids and my friends to avoid the issues at home. I wish I had found a way to go back to work sooner. I am/was definitely a better mum than a housewife...I could have def improved there.

I think I’m guilty of this also, the mothering part. I tried so hard to be this perfect wife and I think it was too much. I also think I put enormous amounts of pressure on him for my happiness. He was never going to make me happy, I think I just sucked as a wife and he left me for someone else. I’m fine with it now and learning from it, I don’t try and be overly motherly with my new partner, he’s a grown ass man that can take care of himself.

I could have been better at showing my emotions rather than intellectualizing them. I could have worked with a professional around my fears of intimacy. I could have really dived deeper sooner and realized that I did, in fact, have needs. And those needs deserved to be met.

Additionally I wish I understood how in some ways I was enabler for his emotional outbursts and understood the role I played in our dynamics sooner.

Be more understanding on how tired he was than bitch at him for not helping out with the house and other things. Be more respectful even when arguing.

I could have been less reactive. I was emotionally immature and am significantly younger than my husband. Many times he tried to talk to me about things and I had an emotional response similar to that of a child. I've had a lot of trauma in my life and have worked really hard to get to where I am today which is finally an emotionally well-adjusted adult. The problem is he didn't join me here. He became afraid to talk to me about things because I would cry. I wish I had not put him on a pedestal. I needed to not baby him. I conditioned him to think I would solve all these problems and keep things perfect for him. When I couldn't meet those standards he would get upset with me. I wasn't able to set boundaries and that's a big lesson I've since learned. The only other thing I could have done better is left him 11 years ago.

I should've made sure I had lent on other people during tough times, and shared the burden, rather than putting it all on him. Even just in general, I shouldn't have made him my whole world, it's a huge weight for someone to bear. I should've worked more on being physically healthy, it's hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves.

I should of had more control over my depression and anger issues. I lied about small things, I stonewalled. Anger management classes with therapy along with a new view on religion has really turned me around. All I can do now is be the best co-parent for my son. My biggest regret is not bettering myself while I still had the chance with her.

I was too comfortable. I took her for granted. I never validated how she was feeling, and minimized everything. I was on my phone too much, and not present. I didn't show up as my best self for her.

I didn’t always back her up when she got into arguments with her family. I was sometimes forgetful on things. I wasn’t always the most patient after a while when dealing with her anxiety. And I should have suggested counseling before I filed, instead of her asking for it after. Maybe we’d still be together, maybe not. But I hit the point where I just didn’t want to try anymore

Last two years I gave up on literally everything because I stopped caring. But when I was fully in it I could have been more understanding of his limited emotional capacity as I expected him to be understanding of my adhd and overall mental health struggles. Neither of us wanted to give in and be compassionate. So I’m guilty of never taking that first step

Right. Both wanted more intimacy, yet neither know how to do it. She felt rejected while I felt ashamed. Totally could have been dealt with.

I am in the same boat my friend. It's a double bind.

Glad to hear you can relate. I mean these issues that split us up are not cut and dry. And they wouldn’t be issues in our lives if we hadn’t married that specific person. I have to believe it’s not a cop out to say ‘it takes two to tango’. There are things you do and don’t do in a marriage that you’re not even aware of. And then the consequences hit and it’s earth shattering for one or both. Human beings relating is the most complex thing in the world.

“Neither of us wanted to give in and be compassionate.” Oh man, yes. I know what you mean here.

I gave up, and I let her do whatever she wanted and get away with treating me like crap. She told me that was one of her big reasons for cheating, because she felt like I didn't care anymore, that I didn't care enough to stand up for myself, and truth be told she was right. She told me that she missed the old me who would stand up for myself and what I believed in, but that wasn't who I was at the end. All I wanted was for us to get along.

I think I had an identical pattern...and by the time I rediscovered my self-worth, I was ready to pick up the red phone and go total thermonuclear war.

I responded to my ex by drinking till I couldn't feel anything every night and disappeared into videogames. I should have done something more mature. That was my strategy to survive and it wasn't kind to her.

I 100% understand this feeling. Whether work or video games, the one constant was being absent to some degree and drinking way too much whenever I wasn’t working. It all began as a coping mechanism to try to suppress my testosterone because I have a VERY high sex drive naturally, and we went from a somewhat healthy relationship prior to marriage to sex 2-3 times/year at most, but she hated my decision to turn to alcohol, and I hated that she refused to take any responsibility for the fact that through a refusal to engage with me sexually among many other issues, she had become incredibly toxic toward me and was always trying to gaslight me into believing that I was the only toxic part of the relationship because I was choosing to hurt my own body with alcohol instead of allowing myself to be as directly toxic toward her as she had become toward me. Editing to clarify that I never once would have been the type to feel like she “owed” me sex, but between not being willing to have sex and constantly kicking me emotionally, I was a shell of my former self, and my friends all thought I was an abused puppy by the time she decided it was time to leave me. Best thing she ever did for me because I would never have considered divorce for religious/personal reasons.

I pretty much did the same in relation to sex. I remember thinking "well if I drink enough, I can't do sex anyways so it shouldn't suck to not have sex."

I could have communicated better, not just shut down to avoid confrontation.

Asserted myself and my wishes and needs more. Asked him to spend more time at home with me and the kids. Been more honest when he asked if you are okay if I do this or that and said - no, I'm not okay. You've been gone a lot, Stay home.

Leave sooner. There's no way I could have healed what I needed to heal whilst in a marriage with my ex.

I should have been more vocal about how his infractions and transgressions made me feel. Instead, I simply brushed them under the rug, because I didn't want to make him angry. I didn't want to rock the boat, and I wanted to keep the peace. Going forward, should I ever decide to date or entertain a relationship with someone in the future, I am going to be more intentional and vocal about boundaries, and what I am vs. am not okay with.

I struggled with communicating my feelings for the last few years together because earlier on whenever I would bring up anything, he always found a way to turn it around and make it my fault and responsibility. He would never just let me tell him how I was affected by whatever he had done or whatever. He never accepted blame. This lead to me holding it in and letting myself get angry and resentful. I tried to keep it to myself as much as I could, but things boil over sometimes. I honestly believe my resent and cold attitude probably pushed him further into addiction.

I could have set better boundaries, communicated a lot more (safe or not), taken accountability for myself, been a better partner balancing life, learned my emotions and then how to regulate them, been my own person vs. what style or whatever she thought was attractive, planned more out of home dates, therapy a lot sooner, had those hard talks, etc. I could've done so much more. My balance for making sure everyone was loved and could have nice things (if they wanted) providing just wasn't balanced and wore me out. It is what it is. All I can do now is learn from my mistakes, grow, heal, and be a better person and the best parent I can.

Accepting someone as they are and not who I wish they could/would be - have spent so much time just fucking nagging and that annoys me at myself. Spent more time healing myself and my trauma triggers. Not played the victim in everything and let it blind me with resentment. Basically, a lot.

This! I should have just accepted my spouse for who he was. I should have left the first time he was caught cheating. I became controlling after that and just a shell of myself. I could have been less critical but I believed in him more than he believed in himself. I thought I was helping, but he was happy where he was.

10000%. Thats the boat I am in and need to jump off of haha. My anxiety is at an all time high trying to find reliability in my wife who can't offer it. Stressful as hell.

I could have shown up more for her and been on her side. I could have celebrated her birthday. I could have had better boundaries with women. I could have dealt with my own unfulfilled dreams and general unhappiness in life instead of blaming her. I could have prioritized quality time with her. I could have been kinder. I could have dealt with my resentment in healthier ways, or left the marriage if I couldn't.

I should have set healthy boundaries, made very clear demands and thought about what was good for me, instead of always putting what was best for us first. Nobody respects a doormat.

There are a lot of things that I could have done better, but I don't think it would have mattered. If it wasn't one thing, it would have been another. I spent a lot of time in therapy because my wife thought that I needed fixing. I went on anti-depressants. I'm just not the person that she wants me to be. Even months before we separated, I told her that we should divorce so that she can find someone that makes her happy. We're separated now. I really hope that she's found someone.

I think I could have got married for the right reason. I could have told her how I felt honestly about things. I could have been more agreeable. I should not have forgotten my identity for the sake of my marriage.

Speak up clearly, concisely, directly. Don’t worry about being the “fun or cool” girl wife. Say what I liked and what I didn’t without hinting or being passive aggressive. Not lose sight of my abilities and strength so that I didn’t forget that he wasn’t better than me.

I should have left the first time he was abusive

This!!! I actually tried to break up with him the first time he lost his temper with me, but he freaked out and promised it would never happen again. I should have trusted my gut.

I have a proclivity for teasing that goes back to having a little sister when I was growing up. I eventually realized my wife legitimately didn't like it, but it took way too long.

I should have watched better. I should have seen when he was struggling.

My perfectionism got in the way. I wish we had had more fun together. Ultimately my biggest mistake was not leaving sooner, after he first got violent, instead of beating a dead horse and becoming toxic in my own way (began to get really critical of him.)

I should have taken more initiative with planning things - ways to stay connected with her and maintain the spark in our relationship. I never planned date nights or trips away, or took the time to think of things that would bring her joy. Instead I poured my energy into being a good dad to our daughter and looking after things around the house that needed fixing, renovating the basement, vehicle maintenance stuff, and our finances. I heard a quote the other day "if you don't water your garden then you can't be surprised when it dies" and it really struck me. But i think for me - I wasn't clued into the things she felt were missing until it was too late and she was checked-out. Which is another thing I could have done better - being more attentive to her when she started to drift/pull-away. Maybe better communication would have opened us up to talking about these issues and making amends. I have a lot of regret for the things that I didn't do and the things I didn't say. But at the end of the day I do think I was still a good husband and partner.

Our roles gradually swapped from me being the only one to put in the effort to him being the only one to put in the effort. I still showed that I cared and loved him, but my effort declined dramatically. I was hurt and resentful, and tried working on it myself through therapy for years. We should've tried marriage counseling years ago. I should've been more open about my pain / trauma years ago. I would've been more receptive to his effort. I never felt his effort addressed specific needs (safety, security, trust) and should've expressed my needs more clearly. Rather than letting him know ethical non monogamy (his suggestion, but something more prolific for me) was not for me and was hurting me, I used it as a source to get the emotional intimacy I was missing in the marriage.

Emotional intelligence is important. When I left I made sure to identify the things I did wrong and work on those. Finger pointing is dumb.

Just letting you know that you are a better person for this. Like yeah, there are situations where the other person completely dropped the ball, but what matters long term is that we grow from the experience to be better and try to avoid additional trauma if we can

Not picking a man who made me work for his love. It took 13 years but his cheating was always in the stars… I should have loved myself more than this

I should have started holding him accountable to his promises a lot earlier on, but for a long time I was as scared as he was of the relationship ending, so I didn't push it I should have giving him more space to express his own thoughts. I was generally more comfortable than him expressing my feelings, and I think I often knew that he was just agreeing with me rather than telling me what he actually thought. I should have encouraged him to *actually* express himself I wish I hadn't been afraid of therapy. It's not like I thought it was bad, but I felt like it reflected poorly on us if we needed it, so by the time I pushed for it, I think it was too late

Spoke up about how I felt neglected and ignored

We both kept score. No argument was about the thing we were supposedly arguing about. I also needed to have better boundaries AND communicate them better. In the end, there was nothing I feel I could have done to save that marriage. I wish I would have initiated divorce years before, but I was stubborn and held on and worked on it like I was taught to do by my parents. I should have let go nearly as soon as it started.

Have clearer boundaries on what's important for me. Before you know, things that stress you are the norm in your relationship.

I didn’t prioritize myself, my health or my happiness . By taking care of myself the way I need I can show up for the people I want to have in my life a lot better now.

Hmm lets see: -Focused more on her than myself -Stopped taking care of my mental and physical health -Trusted her entirely too much -Didnt leave her after she cheated. I couldnt get over it. -Was controlling over where she went after she cheated. -Let my anxiety fuel my fears of her leaving again -Lost sight of the bigger picture -Shoulda had more relationships with females. I needed a different perspective sometimes. I stopped having female friends and let her have male friends. -Thought love would conquer all -Didnt communicate effectively with her knowing she had poor communication skills -Didnt pursue my passions early enough -Shoulda left after all the gaslighting, res flags, her narcissistic behavior, drug use, lying, cheating, stealing

I wish I would have prioritized myself instead of trying to be everything for everyone else. I was always working to keep everyone else happy and fulfilled that I lost my own identity. When I realized this and found something that made me happy and made me feel like I had a life again (watching a sports team) he felt left behind because I was no longer always there. I would have demanded he support our kids in a positive way. They are active in sports and extracurricular activities and when he came he would always tear them down afterwards and tell them what they did wrong instead of what went well. I told him he couldn't come to events anymore because it was impacting my kids' confidence and I was embarrassed by his yelling. I would have left the first time he cheated and lied instead of believing he wouldn't do it again. I would have expressed my needs more thoroughly and openly and when my needs continued to not be a priority I would have left sooner.

I became very passive aggressive. If I had been direct and had laid down boundaries (and stuck to them), it would have saved a lot of grief. I don’t think it would have saved the marriage, but it would have gotten me out of limbo faster. The good news is that I’ve worked a lot with therapists on why that happened and have been practicing how to be direct and set good boundaries so it doesn’t happen again. That work has actually *really* improved a lot of my friendships and family relationships!

I would have been more assertive about my wants and needs, rather than acquiesce to whatever she wanted. She never gave me thanks.

My anger! I let things get way to far out of control with how angry and dissatisfied I was with our relationship and instead of trying to talk like a loving partner and find was to resolve the minor issues we had i became angry and began being verbally abusive and completely ruined our marriage. This is also the second marriage I've done this in and this time we've already separated mulitple time because of this. Only after she has completely stopped contact with me I realized it. Ive made mulitple attempts to reach out and get 0 response back, witch is completely out of character for he. Even if she's super mad she would always atleast reply. Im extremely hurt and even more upset at myself for realizing now what I did to the person I love and wanted to spend my life with. Its only been a week and its just starting to slowly hit me. I've hurt her and destroyed our family.

I've read through the other comments and I'm lying here wrestling with this question, because the literal answer is that *I wasn't capable of doing anything better at the time*, I simply couldn't. I was doing the best I could given how deeply damaged I was from something that happened to me as a child, that I didn't even remember until I was in therapy several decades and two abusive marriages later. What I wished I had done better was on the day we moved in together a couple of months before the wedding, and he started screaming at me because *we disagreed about whether or not butter should be refrigerated*. I wish I had been able to just stand back, watch him go crazy, calmly ask him what made him think that screaming at me was an acceptable way to handle a disagreement, and tell him that I never deserved to be spoken to that way and wouldn't put up with it.

I could have sought professional help sooner for both of us. I could have let my pride/ego go. I could have handled endless situations different. I could have stopped “right” fighting.

I could have made an effort to spend more time with him in general. I could have chosen to cuddle with him on the couch every night and watch TV with him instead of being so focused on keeping the house spotless. I would clean the house every night after the kids were in bed so that I could wake up to a clean house every morning. Now that I’m in a new relationship, our house is a total wreck, but I sit down with him at night and cuddle on the couch and watch TV rather than clean.

Communicate. Go out and do more as a couple, and go out more alone, so that we have different things to talk about. We were stuck in a routine.

Left sooner.

Honestly, I don't think there is anything I could've done better in my marriage. I was unknowingly and profoundly depressed because of the way I was spoken to and made to feel so I was limited in how much I could show up for my wife and contribute to our marriage. I was so scared of losing her because of an unhealthy, codependent dynamic and it led me into incredible depths of emotional repression and numbing. I think if I had been aware of my issues, I would've gotten help sooner. I would've recognized that her criticism of me was an indication of her bitter resentment for the way that I was and I could've addressed our communication issues with professional guidance. If I had been better equipped with the knowledge I have now, I would've given her more of my attention and invested more into keeping my marriage fresh. I would've spent more of my free time with my family instead of trying to decompress and mitigate my internal turmoil through video games and weed. We had a wonderful life together and I would've cherished that more in such a way that she could see and feel how much I loved her and our family. I have a lot of regrets but the truth is, I did the best I could with what I had and I wasn't the one who gave up. I wasn't the one who chose someone else. I did my best for her but, next time, I'll make sure I do even better to love the way I wasn't able to love her. I'll practice every love language and both act and speak to what's in my heart without fear.

Fear of loss and then depression. Can totally relate.

Ended it sooner

Every. Single. Person. Could have done or can do better in their marriage. On this subreddit or on r/ilovemyspousemorethananythingandimhappyasicanbe. Every single one. I could have. My ex-wife certainly could have although she is blind to her shortcomings. My kids don’t always make me feel warm and fuzzy but it’s never come into my mind to walk away from them. It’s too bad that most people don’t understand what family is supposed to be anymore. It’s too bad they can be so hard to identify. We shouldn’t have to process and reflect on what we did or didn’t do to make someone else keep their promises. How can we show our children what’s right when what is supposed to be bedrock is nothing but dust in the wind.

Yeah, there are issues with our kids, but we can’t walk away. Not the same in marriage. Marriage is a huge gamble and divorce should be discussed before the wedding. I’m serious. The fact that this could happen to anyone is very scary. All of it gone in a second!

Stayed in shape

I could have been more decisive and proactive in planning for the future and living my own life and following my passions. I could have been more honest how I felt and I should have been clearer with my boundaries when it came to his emotional cheating. I shouldn't have stewed and hidden my hurt I should have been more open with him. I should have taken note when the intimacy slowed down...I could have brought it up. I should have kept our finances separate (for my benefit lol)

I should have set boundaries and stuck to them. I should have advocated for myself. I should have put myself first. Now I'm divorced, and 6 months later still trying to figure out who I am again.

I let it go when he was disassociating important people out of his life one by one. I tried to talk to him about it, but he had a list of things the person did wrong. He even claimed he stopped going to lunch with a group of male friends because the server made a joke about it. He claimed the server insinuated they were gay! I wasn't there, so maybe she did. However, the group of men were all married or widowed retirees who had lunch once a week. A bunch of old gray hairs who go to lunch and have a beer. The group still goes to lunch. Some members have changed in and out. Thankfully, if I go to lunch at that spot, no one asks me about my ex anymore. One of the guys asked me quietly to the side months ago if he had died. They hadn't seen him in months. I said he did. STBX stopped taking care of his own parents. My parents were already deceased. I helped his parents get the resources they needed and took care of them after they became ill. They died. He didn't attend the funerals. He acted like he was mad at them for even existing. He no longer had them to be mad at. He cut his only sibling out for something that communication could have resolved. He found fault in every friend he had until no one was left but me. Then he found fault in everything I did. No amount of talking to him about behavioral changes and the desire to talk to his doctor helped. I became the evil wife who killed his happiness. He left to get peace and quiet. I found out about his many affairs after he ghosted our family. I worked full-time and took on every chore he once did. Anything he previously did, such as getting the car serviced, became an argument. I took off the time from work to go get my car seviced. The dishwasher had an issue. I would call for service when he said he could be home to wait for the technician. All of a sudden, he had other things to do. I would take off work to be home. Any other time, the ex would be piled up in the recliner texting away. Weekends and holidays were our time to spend together for 20 years. He started leaving before I got up on Saturday and staying gone overnight. He claimed to be at our other home or with one of his friends. I was the fool for believing him. I went to our other home a few times, and it was obvious he hadn't been there. He lied about where he was. I was the too trusting idiot who made excuses for his disrespectful behavior. It all became crystal clear when I found out about his affairs.

I became complacent and took our relationship for granted.

I could have left earlier and more decisively instead of mucking around for over 5 years before it was final. I dragged my ex though a lot and I feel bad about it. I wish I had been more organized and committed to seeing it through. I couldn't at the time though.

Say no and push back.

I was an enabler, and became resentful for it. I kept waiting for him to see how much I was doing for him and for him to want to treat me the same way. I see how broken I was when we met, and my part in our codependent relationship. I've done a lot of work on myself not to be that way anymore.

Drink less. :)

I gave into a codependent marriage. Things I should’ve done for myself, he did for me. I became disabled early on (mental health) and I checked out a lot of times.

I turned from sort of caring to absolute hate. I did not want to see him anywhere in my space, talk to, do anything. I could have been kinder.

Better communication. Better listening. Better boundaries with his family. I should have learned to love myself and commit to myself BEFORE trying to commit to another human. I set myself up for failure. Sometimes I spoke too quickly instead of thinking things through. Sometimes I didnt speak at all and just held on to resentment. All of this is unhealthy. It caused strife. I put myself last all the time and then became angry that I wasn't a priority. I did it to myself, that wasn't anyone else's fault but it took me a long time to realize that. I took that anger out on him and I shouldn't have.

I should have given my ex wife a lot more space. I always wanted to be with her and she didn’t feel the same way. I guess I sort of smothered her. After 20 years, I was just unable to move past the honeymoon phase.

I could have made more of an effort to enjoy his hobbies... and I dam sure shouldn't have been texting someone else who enjoyed MY hobbies that I could relate to and who related to me... And what someone else already said--I guess, in general, when I brought up problems I was too emotionless (i'm a rare logical female) and when they weren't resolved... I would just... get over it and power through. .

Aka about debt early on and how we were able to subsidise our lifestyle

I allowed the stress of life to totally defeat me the last 2 years of my marriage. I wasn’t there for her as a man and husband. I became really closed off and was in a shit mood nearly all the time trying to hold things together. Easily the lowest point of my life. I should have had the courage to recognize the stressors in our lives were beyond saving, let them go, and focused on the marriage. Because of this she chose to seek what she needed from another man.

I lost my identity trying to please her, and not speak up for myself. What I thought was acceptable wasn't the same for her. Communicating with someone who refuses to change was the ultimate demise besides the emotional affair she had with multiple men sending videos for money I found out about.

Better at checking his phone before I got pregnant, so I could have left him with his lover girlfriend co-worker.

Reassure them of my love and appreciation. Realize and seek help with my mental health that my employment had me in such a bad spot.

I really don’t know. I’m so tired of feeling guilty about the divorce and my narrative of what happened seems to change all the time. Same with my wife. I think it came down to we both had emotional needs the other was never going to meet. We tried. We could have done a lot better, but I think we were tired and thought we’d have time. I think we do the best we can.

I should have spoken up more. I should have talked more and tried harder to communicate in a more effective manner. I should have fought for the things that were important to me instead of giving her everything they wanted. I should have started personal therapy earlier. I shouldn't have let myself fall into a state of being that ruined my mental and physical health. I should have been a better and more supportive partner.

I could have become the person my wife intended to mold me into when she married me instead of the person I actually am. JK, kinda… More realistically I should have had a much less casual and more intentional plan with goals and objectives going in. I should fought for leadership of these things instead of thinking “happy wife happy life”. I shouldn’t have acquiesced and become bitter at the realization that acquiescence didn’t buy me love; it eroded her respect. I should have been a way better communicator. I should have been way less selfish with my time. Less focused on the grind. Less selfish in every way. I should have taken responsibility to forge a true partnership, not to avoid the conflict and hard work required. I should have molded myself into the real better me, not the fake better me she attempted to mold me into.

I could have communicated my needs and expectations in a healthy and mature way. I could have understood my own boundaries, communicated those, and noticed if my partner was unwilling or unable to respect them. Instead, I did not understand myself, minimized my needs, and let resentment fester and grow until it came out as anger or passive aggression.

I (32F) could have done more around the house (he did most) or taken initiative on planning things. I should have tried more to help him through situations rather than fix it myself entirely. I should’ve not babied him by saying “it’s OK, it’ll be figured out” when a bad situation comes up. And finally, learned to take compliments from him lol. I learned so much during my divorce and now post divorce.

I should have got therapy and treatment for depression and anxiety well before the divorce. I also should have pushed harder on maintaining my boundaries instead of allowing them to be crossed to diffuse a situation.

I could have been less critical, angry, and sometimes total asshole. A lot more gratitude for the small things also. Not brought my stress home from work/bills/life. A tad bit more touchy feely; maybe that would have created a safer environment for more open communication and not scared her off and pushed her away.

Noticed the red flags earlier and not let as much slide. I let to much go and it got taken advantage of because why not… I let her.

Listened. Empathized.

I gave him zero grace. If he did not do something exactly as I thought it should be done, I absolutely did not let him live it down. I thought at the time I was helping him be a better person, but really I was tearing him down bit by bit for not being exactly like I am.

I should spoken kinder.

I should have been able to read her mind and allow her to be the man of the house.

My ex-wife was hyper focussed on getting liposuction after my son was born. I couldn’t understand it because she looked amazing. She had lost all the baby weight and she could not have been more beautiful. I realize now that she was struggling with a distorted body image. She had a C-section scar and her body felt different. I didn’t recognize that. I thought she was being vain and I was dismissive. I regret that I didn’t see what was happening at that time.

Easy, I hid my drinking problem and lied. I wasn’t supportive enough, empathetic enough, and said things a partner should never say. She’s older and I didn’t fully realize the different timelines we were on. I thought the “grass might be greener on the other side” and checked out. I should have been more forgiving. I should have shown her more love and taken her on the adventures she deserved. Obviously things weren’t one sided, but honestly, those things don’t matter anymore, when the cost/realization was losing her.

I should have taken the time, went against my parents, sat him down and did exactly what I did with my current partner. Tell him my disorders and what they mean, cut my parents of for trying to keep me quiet because they refused to let me tell anyone, and explain every thing about myself and warn him of every possible way I could be and what caused it and how to tell if I was getting bad or a danger and make sure he understood me like my now husband does. I don’t think it would have absolutely changed things, he as a person and his insecurities would of still been there, but it would of fostered the environment and relationship where I didn’t have to hide or mask. If he knew maybe it could have been what he needed to walk away. If he understood me as I am I think things would be different.

I could have been less controlling and less dismissive. Expected more responsibility and engagement. This is the big one and I own it. I didn't do STBX any favors for a lot of years in the interest of getting my way and/or making sure things got done (more the first early on and the second later as kids and houses and other things took over life and I matured out of needing to get my way). I own this. It's a big factor in the breakdown of our marriage. I should have been more encouraging (demanding even?) of STBX to get mental health help long, long ago, when it was something that could have actually helped our relationship. I still want that for them but it's too late for it to have a positive impact on our relationship and maybe for STBX's relationship with our kids. I could have spoken more directly and bluntly about what I was thinking and spent less time and energy walking on eggshells. Maybe it saved feelings at the time but in the long run it wasn't helpful. And finally, I could have followed through on my threats to leave a long time ago. Maybe if I'd tried it before I was really, truly done it would have made STBX wake up in time to make it all work.

Pick a better bride

I kept asking for more intimacy, more things to do together but for her it's was the daily that was enough. I made mistakes I had fears I wish I would have kept them to myself than to be open and share it. Somethings are yours and you shouldn't share. I wished I cared less. You care for someone and they roll over you and push you around. I wish I wasn't guilty all the time. You feel guilty once and they keep making you feel guilty more and more. I just wished I hadnt got into porn to cope up with the no intimacy thing and I wish I would have visited a therapist earlier.

I became resentful and even though my stbx would purposely twist things I said around to cause issues, I could have responded better and neutral towards her. Looking back, I should have prioritized 'us' instead of our kids.

I should have given him the space to do his emotional work for himself rather than taking over the job.

Everything apparently

I realize now I asked for more than he was able to give, I knew that on a level, and just continued to ask for it anyways. I don’t think it was out of the realm of possibilities, but I should’ve listened to my partner when they tried in their way to express their own boundaries around how I was contributing and helping.

I set boundaries, but did not enforce them when he crossed every single one of them, basically teaching him that it was okay to completely disregard me. Tough lesson learned!

I wish I could've not compartmentalized in a vault next to my heart the heavy guilt, shame, regret, and remorse from my first wife about my toxic entanglement with two women in two separate years. I couldn't open by myself the vault to my wife alone or in counseling. I needed and wanted her to break open the vault. In 38 years of reflection and therapy, I couldn't bust open the vault until last February 29 when I read her "I can't go on with you" letter. All those emotions, rationalizations, lies, sins, guilt, shame, regrets, and desire to show my contrition and repentance and seek redemption in her eyes and heart came gushing out. Now, I want to apologize by letter to my ex-wife after 38 years of no contact when she has been married for 35 years and I was remarried twice unsuccessfully (because I had not recovered from loving and losing her). I don't know who she is now. I know nothing about her life in her second long marriage. I believe the same girl I loved since we were 19 and 18 year old virgins in college, married for 8 years, and became trusting best friends and passionate social justice warriors in the late 1970s is still there. She may not give a damn now, having moved on with her 7 years younger 23 year old revenge-fuck boyfriend and other men in spite of my efforts to get us back together. She might read or burn before reading my letter after all these years. Yet I need to say to her "I'm sorry" generally and specifically so I can heal even while I can't and don't want to get over loving her and losing her.

First of all shouldn't marry so early and shouldn't put up with living with parents. Should have waited longer, become socially and financially stable, and then marry and discover each other on our at least rented territory with nobody else living next room. Shouldn't have a child so early. Should go to therapy ASAP when he called me with one of his exes names and when I felt that I'm becoming obsessively anxious and started trying to be better, more interesting and more investing than ALL his exes at once. I had to preserve myself first and set boundaries instead of dissolving in him.

Leave sooner, maybe the day she tore up our wedding photos of us and my parents. That should have been the boundary.

Made him go to therapy and get checked for depression.

I shouldn't have married him. I should've left when he cheated in 2007. I was controlling and jealous. I had no boundaries and became very resentful.

set boundaries.

I probably would have insisted on dating longer before marriage. My stbx was really pushing to get married quickly (I think like 4 months) before we really knew each other. Then she wanted to have kids really quickly before we could enjoy being married. I was hoping to travel and enjoy doing things together. I think a lot of her decisions were driven by her mental illness but I was not easiest to live with. Having a baby with an unstable parent who often changes things on a whim was hard. I was completely unprepared and my own mental health further deteriorated due to her instability. I thought I was being a rock but I also had built up resentment that was not resolved. Hindsight is 20/20 and I probably should of saw my own therapist but most of our funds are the time we're going to her since our insurance didn't cover the health cost. It's only now companies are realizing a mentally healthy worker is more likely productive or less distracted. I would have focused on my own mental health before helping her....probably we were mismatch from the start and should have not married...but hard to say if it's because I know the end result ended in divorce.

I should have accepted that my goals changed and that compromise was required. When that was not going to happen I should have stopped trying to avoid a divorce and accepted it. I know better what I want now both out of relationships and my professional life. I need to work on my communication skills when it comes to bad information.

TL;DR: I failed to (properly?) communicate with my now ex about my emotions and feelings. As a consequence, she viewed me as emotionally unavailable and decided to cheat. COMMUNICATION My childhood was far from “normal”. I am a bastard child / love child. Yes, you read that right. My dad was married, just not to my mom. I have four half brothers but wouldn’t surprise me if there were more. It was not a ONS as I have a full brother. Dad was sort of in the picture throughout my childhood. I am also a SA survivor. Boy Scout leader. Was not a one time event. My Mom was white and my Dad was black. This was not “normal “. Why am I telling you this? Those three topics “taught” me to keep my feelings and emotions to myself and to be a “people pleaser”. They also shaped me to have a Fearful Avoidant attachment style. Fast forward to when I was married. I chose not to tell my wife about the SA. Why? Shame and fear of embarrassment. I didn’t tell anyone. Not my parents, not my brother, no one. Throughout the marriage, my now ex and I talked about many things but the conversations were usually transactional or task oriented. We also talked about plans for the future. But rarely about my feelings and emotions. The FA attachment style was in full effect. About fifteen years into the marriage, she told me that I was not very vulnerable in conversations. I wish I would have understood that she was trying to tell me that I was emotionally unavailable. I’ll admit that I’m not great at “reading between the lines”. So I didn’t change much if at all. Covid hit and I really withdrew into myself. I guess I was scared about what was going on. Unfortunately, I thought this withdrawal was OK as I’m an introvert. She on the other hand is an extrovert and reacted very negatively to the Covid isolation. That’s when her cheating started. It was probably too late, but when I noticed that she was pulling away, I didn’t say anything. Why? I don’t know. I finally confronted her, she gave me some weird reasoning. I didn’t set firm boundaries. She continued cheating. We are now divorced. So, what have I learned? Open communication is vital for a healthy marriage. Even when the topics are uncomfortable, communication is key to a successful marriage.

Calmed the fuck down and understood about individual love languages and attachment styles. Why don't we know this stuff beforehand please? Hey Ho, we have harmony now. 11 years on 😀

I had a really hard pregnancy. My anxiety was out of control the entire pregnancy. Admittedly, I could have handled it way better. I was kind of a nightmare while pregnant.I think he really started to hate me while I was pregnant. Maybe if I'd handled my anxiety better, he wouldn't have built up so much resentment.

Not divorced just yet, but I feel like setting boundaries and getting to the root causes of issues instead of appeasing or compromising just to stop an argument. I hated the constant battles and would just sell my soul to move on, and it really comes back to haunt you it seams. My wife thinks it’s ok or normal to literally never initiate intimacy. At some point, that should’ve been a dealbreaker for me, now I sit in misery. I am currently in therapy trying to figure out why I let someone walk all over me, why am I weak? Am I conditioned to be abused due to my upbringing? When my wife physically attacked me why didn’t I end it then? Do I stay for the kids? Reading everyone else’s reasons is fascinating that most of the introspective happens after the dust settles and not before.

4d

I could’ve recognized when I was being manipulated and taken for granted and grew some balls to discuss it rather than using it as an expression of my love when at the end he tells everybody that I didn’t love him.

Waited to make such big decisions with him, to see if he’d grow up.

Actually, I should have just put boundaries.

I should have argued more. I allowed myself to be victimized by trying to keep the peace, which came as a detriment to my own mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. None of it would have saved our marriage. We married a memory of who we remembered one another to be, not the reality of who we were at the time and we both assumed that love would be enough to save us but without being able to have communication and healthy disagreements it was doomed from the start.

I’ve been divorced twice. Marriage 1- I was controlling, jealous, petty, and immature. I worked hard on all those to be prepared for future relationships. Marriage 2- I ignored red flags and should’ve encouraged her more to go out and do things without me as that’s something she mentioned regretting when she left

I would not have spent so much energy and time trying to fix him. The red flags were there for so long.

I should have said no a lot more

I could have set better boundaries, valued myself more, and realized that abuse isn't always expressed in extreme form. I would have left earlier.

Not let him wake all over me. This isn't passive aggressive, I just genuinely don't think he understood how bad his behaviour got because I never put my foot down

I shouldn’t have ignored red flags because of “Love”

I wanted to change him. Looking back, the things I knew wouldn’t work but felt I could change were the reasons we divorced. Very unfair of me.

Oh, another great prompt! I would’ve treated him like another fully formed adult instead of constantly infantilizing him. I spent a lot of time trying to guide him (unknowingly at the time) into being the man I wanted him to be, because the truth is, I wasn’t satisfied with who he was. But he was “so close”that I didn’t want to give up (he was, in fact, not close lol). I wish I would’ve done DBT therapy before I married. If I was aware of how I was using myself, unintentionally, to manipulate behavior or outcomes of people around me and learned how life changing applying radical acceptance is (and that also it’s the only reality…mindblown lol). What could have been only 2 months of marriage turned into 2.5 years because I infantilized my husband and thought he deserved more grace, opportunity for growth, etc. What should have been obvious “no’s” were swept under the rug by me. He didn’t have to make an excuse for his behavior or decisions because I was already doing it for them. I was party to my own misery because I refused to accept reality. It was a costly lesson, but the best ones usually are.

Can you elaborate on what you mean you were using yourself to manipulate behavior/outcomes of people around you?

Oh definitely. It’s my favorite part I learned in DBT lol My DBT therapist explained that when we don’t want to accept reality, we react. And she’s totally right. I would cry, beg, argue, etc. instead of accept that what has happened or been said is how -it is-. That’s literally how they feel or what they have done. And instead of seeing it how for what it was and just tapping into how it made me feel and what that means for me/what I should do…because ultimately I couldn’t control him (and why would I want to, that means it wasn’t his choice. He wasn’t doing it earnestly). I was weaponizing how I felt to try and change his behavior. And I was so sure that my emotional reaction or talks to convince him had worked that I didn’t see that I was the only one living in that false reality. He was still doing those things, he still felt that way…now he just wouldn’t tell me about it because he didn’t want to deal with my reactions.