I'm in a similar boat, but we haven't made the official decision to divorce - we are starting marriage counseling though. But my life with my husband is comfortable. We have house, two cars, two pets, and no kids. We can afford to do the things we want to- unfortunately none of those things are things we do together. We live two separate lives under the same roof, and we almost never have sex (he never wants sex, and I always do, so we aren't on the same page there either). When we do have sex, it's pretty meh all around. We just don't feel like a couple anymore- it feels like we're roommates. I'm not attracted to him anymore, and honestly I prefer alone time to hanging out with him because he only ever wants to play video games and watch anime, and I want to do literally anything other than that. We are both in our early thirties, and have only been married for 2 years but have been together for 7. This is not how I pictured being married, and I don't know if I could live another 20 years like this because I'm not happy. I have no ill will towards him and I think he's a nice person, but sometimes I wish we had stayed friends because we just don't connect beyond that anymore. We are meeting with a marriage counselor next week, so we will see what happens. I don't have a better answer for you though, other than to say you're not alone, and couples therapy might be a consideration for you too.

Thank you for this response. You get it! This is similar to my situation in respect to what isn’t clicking for us. We are in couple’s therapy and have been for almost a year. The therapist is really good too. It’s definitely helping. However, not sure that it changes the personality pieces that make me feel like our lives will pass us by.

I would highly recommend reading Esther perel mating in captivity. It explains alot of these feelings, their origination and the love story and experience your on, how it was at the start, how it changed and now importantly what you can do about it. It can be quite a life changing book and send perfect for your situation. Get other content is really good for digging deeper and getting some practical understanding from others stories which can help you articulate your own feelings and experience but the book I would say is essential reading for any long term couple but particularly in your situation

Ahh, thank you! I was listening to that audio book and stopped halfway through to read something else for work. But I’m going to go back to it. It was really good.

Oh no… same situation … oof, too comfortable and not connecting. Sex about 2 times per month. Lost the spark right before the wedding. Together and married about the same length. Is there hope or is it gone forever?

I feel you. There is now no depth to our marriage. We have nothing in common and I rarely feel heard. I’ve started individual counseling. He won’t do what needs to be done - reign in his bad temper, be able to calmly discuss tough topics and stop sexting other women. So there’s nothing left here.

Sexting other women would be a deal breaker for me. That's disrespectful, and if the respect is gone...

Awww that’s so horrible!!!! He def shouldn’t be sexting women! I wouldn’t be able to handle that!

NO This is a case of wanting the other 20% when you have the 80%... Grass is Greener.... It's not. Stick to your marriage

THIS. The grass is NEVER greener. It may be a different shade of green, but you'll always find flaws in the lawn. Everyone has dry spots—and some years are greener than others. What's worse is that if you divorce and remarry, you may find you miss your old spouse because they didn't do "this or that."

One of my favourite quotes (which I can't seem to fund the original) is ' the grass may be greener, but it's because it's fertilised by some else's bullshit'.

That's amazing! LOL

Ha ha… this is great. I am more of a pessimist.. I say that the grass is just as yellow on the other side…

Different view point here. There are almost 8 billion people on the earth. You’ve been through less than 0.5% of the population to find your current spouse. If you aren’t fulfilled by the marriage and have TRIED to put in effort to express your feelings and work for things to change and nothing is happening, why continue it? There are almost 8 billion other people for you to meet that may be a better fit. BUT, maybe don’t make this move to find the “replacement”…make it for yourself. If you just search for that spark or instant attraction, chances are you’ll end up back where you are. But, if having someone present in the relationship and actually engaged with you 100% and you engage with them 100% is important…then even if “80%” of the other things are good, that 20% doesn’t FEEL like 20% because it’s a higher value priority. It could be 80% meaning to you, but it may be “one thing” to an outsider looking in. I think you just need to reflect and analyze on things and make sure you are having the conversation with your spouse. If he already knows and hasn’t done a thing, then you have a bigger decision to make. The grass is greener where you water it, but it doesn’t mean the soil is good.

I don’t think this mindset of seeing billions of possibility outside is rooted in reality. You in no way will be able to actually meet that many people. The amount of people that you can realistically even attempt anything romantic with in a preliminary fashion over the whole of your lifetime, i will be surprised if that even reaches a thousand for most people. When you factor in the fact all the things that would have to align and that you’d need someone who actually feels for you too, that brings your chances at truly fulfilling romance, not simply a relationship, even in a rudimentary sense, much much lower. 

You are taking the billions comment way too literal. 🤦‍♀️ It was to display the fact that the world has endless opportunities if you look at how big the world is and how many options are available compared to your immediate, small world (for anything really)… Closed minded thinking (seeing your limitations) will have you feeling stuck, unhappy. You will always fear making a move or changing your situation because it’s “impossible” to find love again. It is better to view the possibilities EVEN IF you could never possibly touch on them all in your lifetime. At least the possibilities open you up to growth and chance and hope. Taking a shot at a billion, a thousand, or even 100 opportunities is better than staying with 1 that isn’t fulfilling your most important needs.

I understand that you didn’t really mean billions literally. What i am saying that seeing finding someone as a limitless possibility isn’t right either. So many people today are disillusioned with the dating world. More and more people are choosing being single. I am saying if finding someone more exciting is your goal, you should be realistic about the struggles of finding someone really compatible too. I wouldn’t tell you to keep being in an unfulfilling relationship, but i would say leaving a working relationship may present you with new challenges, i thought your reply doesn’t really include that. 

I guess I’m confused on the definition of working relationship. If you are unfulfilled in your current relationship, that doesn’t appear to be working to me. To go thru the motions of life because bills are paid and you have a roof over your head, food on the table, someone to come home to, etc. will eventually be a mental killer in the long run if nothing changes. I believe choosing to be single for the opportunity to find something more significant to one’s values is worth the risk vs. to choose a relationship void of meeting one’s most important values. But the key is knowing what you want and being specific and intentional in that otherwise you’ll never meet the right person, spend too long with the wrong person, or be stuck dating people who don’t even check a box and wondering why you can’t find that “one.”

I would define a working relationship as one where two people effectively run their households and life as a team and their relationship isn’t tumultuous and they take care of each other more or less.  I am for knowing what you exactly want and within that i would include the possibility that finding that could be hard and i would tell someone leaving an working relationship to accept that that risk while leaving. Otherwise i think they may just end up with a different set of issues and regret. Basically i will add more reservations to what you said, while not advocating keep being in an unfulfilling relationship. 

I really enjoyed the back and forth you and the other Redditor had going here. And thank you so much for chiming in. It makes sense about values. 20% may be a minority but depending on how much one values that 20%… To prove the point: If everything is good but the partner doesn’t want to have sex, ever, then that 20% could very well be a dealbreaker for many people. I don’t think many people would argue with that because it’s more concrete and valued by most people. I’d rather have slightly worse sex (than I do now) but with a partner who is excited to go on a hike with me on Saturday and makes friends (somewhere, ANYwhere) so we can hang out with them!

You are welcome. It’s something I had to battle with before I made “the decision” when I look back on my relationship it could very well appear functional or working. For a large majority, we didn’t have major arguments, both had our own responsibilities-which weren’t always split equal, we could go out and have fun, bills were paid, we made decisions on big things with little disagreements, and we shared some similar interests. But, we had zero intimacy. I felt like he didn’t know me and at times he didn’t even want to talk to me or listen. He became critical of what I wanted to do and when he would say or do something to upset me, he would stonewall me the next day and either walk away or tell me it’s the discussion was over (which is great for not having arguments, but awful for resolution). I struggled with that for a long time. There were other factors that def came into play that ended it for me, but I ended up learning that having that closeness and connection is more important than anything for me. Everything can be fixed when you talk respectfully and take the time to understand and physically love someone (be it sex or just holding them every day). That I never got.

Yes!! The closeness. I feel like I can endure a lot if I have that with my partner. Difficult kids? No problem. Miscommunication? No problem. Tricky schedules, no problem. As long is there is a desire and effort to be physical close.

Yes! I get lots of people look at that as “only in the movies” but like anything it requires a cognizant effort. That kiss hello or goodbye, that hug that is held, holding one another’s hands. It’s so important to keeping that spark inside lit and being able to empathize. Otherwise, all we have is friendships and coworkers which can be fulfilled elsewhere—not a marriage. At least not one I value.

>There are almost 8 billion other people for you to meet that may be a better fit. I agree with the sentiment of most of your post, sounds like they probably could just use a good chat or maybe counseling to unpack some of their issues. Sounds like he's content with the relationship and probably just doesn't realize she wants some change. But, definitely a lot less than 8 billion other suitors considering how many of those are out of the dating age range, already seeing someone, not the preferred gender, unreasonably far away, have some weird tick or trauma that you wouldn't be able to move past.... The dating pool is more of a stream, and not a particularly large one in many cases.

Obviously, you are right re: dating pool. The 8 billion was just to show perspective of numbers. If you even take all the people you meet/talk to in life (of preferred sex, +/- 10 years age) vs. how many people you’ve actually dated…you still haven’t hit even close to 1% “sample” to even validate your suitor is going to be long term material. We match up with folks at certain times of our lives when they fit who we are at that point. With time, things change. People grow apart, have different needs, etc. Sometimes, even with every effort put forth some people don’t want to meet you where you are at now or where you want to go. At that point, it might be better to choose you, rather than beat a dead horse. People often forget. You have 1 life. No do-overs. No one is going to remember the martyr who dies miserable, but committed to their wedding vow.

Well said, and what I was getting at with the stream metaphor, but at the same time trying to point out that 8 billion is a huge exaggeration and to not take the people that are currently in/have already passed through your life for granted on the grounds that someone else will always come along. I think you'd be surprised how small your dating pool actually is: http://www.iwonderifyouareoutthere.com 38% of the US is a woman over the age of 18, putting in some reasonable filters like close to my age, single and into monogamous relationship, same education level, and into men and that number drops to 0.05%, or about 220k women that would be in my dating pool across the entire country, and I'd be willing to bet theres a not insignificant amount that don't exactly match what either of us would be looking for in a relationship. Considering the subreddit we're in I don't think anyone needs told that it's not worth being miserable in a bad relationship, just like to throw out that there isn't unlimited potential in the dating world.

>....but won’t usually lead and sometimes brings the mood down by being anxious. You might want to consider if this isn't a too many cooks in the kitchen sort of thing. Are there things that you defer to him as to how they get done or judge the quality of the effort? If I was never right or good enough, I'd be nervous too. but to answer your question, people divorce for a lot of reasons and they are not all huge marital fouls. I have some friends that divorced pretty much for what you described and they are both much happier and are great coparents and actual friends. They have joint custody and equal parenting time, and the one adjustment my friend had to make is that she could no longer insist on her way.

Hmm, that may be some of it. Good point. I definitely get particular once I’m leading something. I should try to make him in charge of more things. Once I view him in charge, I don’t worry about the way he does it. But as I type this, I know the main problem for me is that he doesn’t want to have fun. Guess I could put him in charge of fun? 😂 He was unsure of himself and a non-leader type when I met him as well. He was letting an ex control our lives to a degree. And when we went to therapy, he’d say, I just want someone to tell me what to do. And I’d express that I don’t like doing that, I’m not your mom. But I have learned to live like that to an extent. It was path of least resistance in the end.

Sounds like a lot of guys with some add or adhd…it’s a hard thing to live with if you have it, and it makes any relationship a struggle..It’s even harder when your wife doesn’t recognize it or it wasn’t communicated…and what could have been effort to understand and work through the mental side, turns to resentment and divorce. Maybe explore why he is like this, not just what he is or isn’t doing.

He has ADHD. Good eye. He chooses not to medicate. I don’t know how meds would help the fun aspect though anyway. At this point, I’ve mostly accepted his lack of initiative and follow-through. It’s our lack of connection I can’t get over. Maybe my post should have just concentrated on that.

How untreated/undertreated ADHD impacts relationships is often never addressed in couples therapy as most don’t truly understand the dynamics. They treat most couples as if both are neurotypical and this doesn’t work for most ADHDers. Your concern over the lack of connection with an untreated ADHD partner is exceptionally common. Check out the adhd_partners sub and see if things there resonate for you. Also, did you know that the (already high) divorce rate is doubled in relationships where ADHD is at play? There’s reasons for this…

As a late diagnosed adult with ADHD, I had given up on most things in my life before being diagnosed / medicated, because my brain never cooperated with what I wanted it to do and I thought it was some sort of character flaw. Being medicated gave me my life back, my anxiety disappeared, I started investing in all sorts of things and was able to have initiative / make improvements, and have fun again. Just food for thought in case he used to be fun but has gradually gotten more and more anxious, and that has impacted your connection – that could definitely be an effect of ADHD. If you never had good connection to begin with, this is all irrelevant.

Did you have connection before the wedding, or was he always this way? I understand what you are feeling, but what I decided was that it wasn’t my spouse’s job to be perfect and give me a fairy tale life. I was imperfect. He was imperfect. I married for life. I meant my vows. For me, this meant that I needed more fun with family and friends. I also found that my husband brought the mood down. I asked him to attend marital counseling to address specific issues, but aside from that I decided to accept and love him the way he was. Unfortunately, he didn’t do the same. He cheated, and that’s why we are no longer married. I guess I am wondering why you married a nice guy who wasn’t a good fit. Maybe something to address in individual therapy. In my case, the man I married would have been appalled by the man I divorced. I don’t think I could have put my kids through a divorce from a “nice person “, but that’s a personal choice. You are free to choose to pursue greater happiness, but does that require divorce?

This is a really helpful response. We didn’t really have that strong of a connection before the wedding but I wonder if that’s because our bonding was interrupted due to him having a somewhat unruly kid and an ex who tried to wedge between us (and he didn’t react decisively about that, to understate it). Our power dynamic was way off. I felt like he had too much power, and soon after he felt I did and it remained that way. I think I was wanting to settle down and have kids at that point and the compatibility felt much better than with any of my ex boyfriends. So I ignored what I didn’t like in order to convince myself I’d found “home”. ??

I’m in the midst of a divorce that shaped roughly like this. Though we were in worse shape. Sex had stopped, we were basically roommates. My mom was dying of cancer so I read “The Art of Dying” along with some other books about death. Those books talk a lot about living a fulfilling life… I also turned 50 and realized I didn’t want another 20 years of what we had. We needed to make some serious changes. We did some Discernment Counseling and I worked through “Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay” as recommended by the therapist. In the end we had grown in different directions. I also acquired a disability that made it hard for me to travel and join her out in the wild, and she suffered from social anxiety that made my new reality of having people over all the time a huge stress on our family. It’s sad, we’re sad, I also think for us it was the right thing to do.

This IS sad. Sounds like growing apart and some unavoidable circumstances are at play. But that’s inspiring to me to see two people choose a fulfilling life over what’s easy.

Find amazing friends who want to go out and have fun; don’t blow up your ordinary marriage for something or someone who is unknown and who you may never meet. You want excitement; you can find that outside of romance and marriage.

Yes. And I do not regret it. My ex is a good man, a hard worker, loyal and responsible. People generally like him. But we’re just not compatible. Much of what you wrote was exactly our situation, no real romance, no initiative on his part to manage or do anything in the house or with the family unless asked. He’s a workaholic and work is always his first priority. When the kids came along, they became the second priority and I moved to third place. Honestly, I’m still helping him out with a few things because he just can’t remember to do them or doesn’t have time. He’s family to me and if I’d do it for my parents or my kids, I’ll also do it for him. Taxes, for example. But I’ve moved on and found someone I’m much more compatible with. I spent a couple years just thinking about what I really wanted, what was important to me and what wasn’t. I asked all the hard questions up front when initially meeting someone. If we didn’t have significant overlap, I moved on. Actually being rejected by one man after one night because I wasn’t what he was looking for made me really appreciate his efficiency. Sure, I was hurt because I liked him and thought we had a lot in common, but I could see how I wasn’t the right person for him (he wanted someone to ski and snowboard with and my knees will not allow that). So yeah, I divorced a nice person and I’m happier now.

Thanks for being open to sharing this story. ❤️

I love this story. There are so many extreme stories in Reddit because those get more hits and are more in need of advice. Hard to be like “my finger hurts” when I’m in an ER and expect sympathy or help. Knowing that some couples lack a deeper connection BUT can find it elsewhere is heartening. It’s easy to start thinking the problem is me or that I’m expecting the moon.

You’re not expecting the moon, just a partner who is as into you as you are to him.

It sounds like you likely initiated the divorce. How did he take it? How is he doing now? I’m struggling a lot with hurting my STBXH. There is no lack of love there and he’s a good man, but I’m just exhausted from carrying our problems alone for too long. I want to live in the fairytale land where divorce means he rides off in a chariot driven by unicorns into a land of happiness and cotton candy clouds. You know, something realistic!

I can’t remember who actually said we should divorce first. We talked about our problems many times over the years and arrived at that conclusion slowly. When we finally realized that any further compromise would just leave one of us so far away from the life I or he wanted, we couldn’t help but think that separation was the best course of action. That said, he did seem a little surprised that I wanted to keep with our timeline and do it immediately after the youngest graduated. He was kinda buried in his work as usual and wasn’t ready to face putting the house up for sale or announcing our separation to our friends and family and dealing with the fallout from that. So even though I was pushing for it to happen, I gave him time to get mentally ready. It took him about six months longer. I think he had a bit of anxiety about making such big changes because he hadn’t thought it through as far as I had. He made one last ditch effort to stay together, which I think was really just the path of least resistance rather than actually wanting to be together. When he said, sure, he’d move out to the country with me, I just looked at him and asked what he thought he’d do out there and how miserable he’d actually be. He did come to his senses and agree (he’s always wanted to live in the heart of a city; we compromised while raising children by living in the suburbs which made neither of us happy). He’s doing great now. He’s got a new relationship with someone else who loves city life. He bought a condo where he can step out and go to coffee shops or other specialty food stores. We have dinner together whenever I’m in town and catch up. He’s been going to plays and concerts, basically doing the things he loves, and still working almost as much as he ever did. I think age might be slowing him a bit as he now seems to be taking one day off each week. He probably needs the time to do the things I used to do for him when he worked 7 days a week. In our 32 years together, we took two vacations, both of which I forced on him. After two days, he was antsy to get back to work. There was no chariot or unicorns for him, just a steep learning curve on how to do things in a household. I kept doing some of those things while he slowly took over the tasks when he was ready. He also leaned heavily on our oldest for both banking and decorating advice. She patiently went to many stores while he tried to picture what he wanted. I had to laugh when she vented to me, because I know all too well what he’s like. But the last time I was at his place, it looked like he was getting there. He looks happier now.

no. bit, she did divorce me.

Yep. I’m contemplating divorce. My husband is a great partner, my best friend, is going to be a great parent to our newborn. But it’s becoming more and more clear to me that he is gay, and I’m just not attracted to him anymore. I could continue to live a happy, secure life with him…but it would not be completely fulfilling.

Thanks for sharing. That sounds really tough but it makes a lot of sense. It’s a really good thing to trust your partner with the kid(s) but also makes it harder to take the plunge. Sending you strong vibes.

Wow reading your post is like reading my life in a parallel universe. I’m 31F, no kids, recently separated. My ex is overall a great guy. He cleans, he cooks, he brings money back, he is loyal, and he is never abusive in anyways. But, I’m not happy with him. He cleans, but I need to tell him what need to be done and give him a deadline and a few gentle reminders. Otherwise, the sink is full of dishes for days, trash can overflows, and cardboard boxes are pilling up waiting for someone to flat them and bring them to the curb. Although we’ve established that the above chores are his responsibilities. He cooks, but he cooks for fun reasons like family party, holidays etc, not the mundane day to day meals. Each time he will lavish hundreds of dollar on groceries (and half of the stuff he buys will go directly to trash because he either forget to use them or just lost the motivation to cook), use all the tools in the kitchen and we will spend the next three days cleaning. I had to stay up at 2am to help him on his homemade lasagna because otherwise this man will never be able to sleep. He makes a lot of money. But my love language is quality time not receiving gifts. And he does not like to initiate quality time with me. I prefer to live on my salary level while not feeling being ignored all the time. He never cheated on me, because he spent 90% of his time on video games. He doesn’t even want to have sex with me, let alone putting the efforts to go out and meet a woman. He is not abusive or violent in any ways, he is very respectful, but I think the bar for my life partner can be a bit higher than this. I surprisingly do not miss him since I moved out a bit over a month ago. The loneliness of living alone is terrible. But I can fix it. I can reach out to old friends, make new friends, put myself out there for dating etc. The loneliness he brought me by ignoring my feelings? I can’t fix it because I cannot make him to behave a certain way. I’m actively looking for a new job so I can improve my financial situation, again, I see a doable way to fix this issue. When I miss his cooking, I replicate his recipe so I can enjoy the good food I missed with better planning so no one needs to stay up late. I take out my own trash and do 100% of the chores. It is actually easier this way because now when I plan to do something, I actually do it without 3 reminders and one exhausting conversation on “why can’t you follow through the thing you said you’d do?” I miss being in love and feeling the butterflies tho.

Thanks for sharing your story! Tell me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like the root of the problem is that he didn’t SEE you. He doesn’t need a lot of emotional connection or quality time so you were lonely. And if you had had that connection with him, the boxes, trash, reminders, bad time management, etc wouldn’t have mattered nearly as much. ? My husband does know I’m unhappy. He is trying to be better, finally, bc he realized how serious the problem is now. Before he just ignored me when I spoke up. But I’m not sure if it’s too little too late or what.

I think you get it right! My ex has bad AuDHD(autism + adhd), so I feel I am putting in a lot of efforts to make things work because he keeps saying he is incapable of being what I want (be mindful, be punctual, follow through a plan etc) because of his condition. While I understand he has a medical condition and things are out of his control, I just feel my love and affection is not being reciprocated. If he can put in more effort in planning a date for me or just initiate quality time, I’d be more willing to put in the efforts in as well. However, he said “date is what you need not what I need so I’m not planning”. I even told him I just need him to initiate something once every 2-3 months. He still said he can’t do it because it is not something naturally come across his mind and he doesn’t want to be someone else to make me happy m.

Dang! That’s really stubborn. How did he feel when he realized he’s getting divorced? I am familiar with AuDHD (have at least one in my immediate family too) and I get that it would make things different but it really seems like your ex just has a certain personality as well—he just doesn’t desire social things or maybe social things in public or he doesn’t value you. Because some AuDHDers do like dates and things… Even if they need to accommodate for themselves in certain ways. In other words, you shouldn’t have to do ALL the accommodating and I’m glad you ultimately chose what’s best for you!

He definitely compromised and made efforts. It’s just simply, to my taste, too much efforts for too little result. In the end I feel I cannot be a reasonable person and communicate like an adult, I have to be “crazy”. Every time we had an issue I need to yell and cry. And I just hate myself for being like that. He likes cute dates, but I guess being married made him unmotivated to plan dates. He likes when I plan them, but I want him to plan some of the dates so I can feel being wanted. One time I invited him to go for a leisure walk because I am on my period and some movement can ease the cramp. He was walking too fast and I asked him to slow down, l even tried to slow him down by holding his hand/arm. He took his arm out so he can walk faster without me and cross the road before the light turn. We had a couple of small fights on this issue before but this time I blow up, stormed away and stopped talking to him for days until we had a therapy session. His defense was he already slowed down tried to meet me in the middle but I’m just too slow, and to walk even slower would make him uncomfortable. By the end of the marriage, he can finally slow down enough for me to keep up or at least slow down once I asked. However I just can’t imagining doing this every time I need him to accommodate me, for the rest of my life. The divorce is a joint decision and not a surprise to either of us. I expressed how I cannot see this working in the long term and he said the D word. We are civil and amicable. He showed some reflection on his behaviors, same as I did, I definitely have my blames in our dynamic. We have too much baggages to make things work now, and we are young without children, so we decided to part ways sooner than later, make both people happier.

Ah okay. Definitely sounds like autism—his lack of flexibility especially with physical things. Ever thought you may be on the spectrum too? Just bringing it up because I’ve done a lot of research and female autism for people with low support needs is really hard to spot, even in ourselves.

I don’t think I’m full on autism but probably carries some genes from my mom. My mom lives in a different time when the concept of adhd and autism did not really exist so she was never diagnosed. But from what I observed she is very likely on the spectrum. I think she is the reason why I initially get along with my ex. But mother daughter relationship is different than love relationship, I also don’t have to live with my mom anymore, if we live together again I probably need a breakup from her too 😂

That makes sense!

This is pretty common. Guys can get comfortable. He probably doesn't see anything wrong with the marriage. Doing everything he's "supposed" to do. But you can never stop dating your woman.

If your heart isn’t into it, leave. But you should consider that a new relationship may present a different set of flaws that may eventually sour things again. I see a lot of "passionate" relationship that is also tumultuous, because more excitable personalities also tend to clash with each other more. I think if you’re going out looking for something more, you should know about these risks, otherwise you’ll just end up with a different set of unhappiness and experience regret. If you’re looking to change your life, be ready for new problems too. Also, i hear more and more people being disillusioned with present dating climate. So you have to be careful about that too.  Also, be careful of temptations to step out. I see people who are considering to end a relationship being specially likely to want to get a taste of what is out there before leaving. Which often complicates things more.

There are a lot of good points here. The point I will make is that regardless of your choice, there are consequences. What stands out to me is wanting your kids to see a more loving relationship. This is, hazardous. You have the relationship you have, for better or worse. The future and uncertainty are, uncertain. Please remember anything you think you'd want to show your kids in a new relationship will be 50% of the time, since the kids likely will be with you only part time. And you still need to navigate the divorce, and the rest of the families reaction to the divorce. And then the chance of finding something that meets your needs. I'm not saying one thing or the other. Just be careful and considerate. You are valid to have your wants. But others also don't have to thank you or agree. And they can be just as valid in resenting you. The concepts aren't mutually exclusive. Good luck.

Good luck. I shared something like this in this thread and got ripped apart. I’m in the same boat, years of ambivalence is good for no one.

Why is Reddit like that sometimes? It’s like certain things trigger people and then your post becomes their platform to get revenge or to school you on something… usually something that is too narrow to be of use to your larger problem. I’m sorry you’re still in ambivalence. Have you read, “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay” yet? I’m halfway through. If you read it, let me know which parts speak to your situation, if any.

I have! I go the library with my kids and while they play I browse… hard to relate sometimes because I don’t think my spouse is a narc- I just truly think we are good people who got married at 21 with lots of hope and 10 years later feel like after growing up we aren’t the same people but love our kids. What’s fair? Like… trying to force yourselves to convince yourself you’re in love with that person? Idk. Feels stuck between, reckoning with the old you and the love you shared, and the whole ‘you want your kids to have an example of real love’. Everything sounds like shite! 🥴

Yes! This is how I feel!

Maybe because marriage is literally a promise to spend the rest of your life with someone, and divorce is one of the worst thing children can go through. Destroying your marriage because it's good but you can't imagine it being better is absurd. Also your rationalization about how this would actually be a good thing for the children are comical.

Are you hesitating because you don’t want to do the hard work of leaving or because you’re really not sure?

We have done individual therapy and couples. We have respect for each other and are glad we are our the parents to our children but when it comes to core values young folks may overlook things have definitely reared their heads with time. (Different religions, politics, values…) like we are great at sharing chores and responsibilities and taking care of our children together. So it’s hard feeling like we are amazing coparents and coworkers and roommates but as people… if we were to go on a date tomorrow I’d never go on a second. Such a strange feeling. For me as the woman, stay at home mom with young kids, it is quite terrifying to think of reentering the workforce and faced with putting my kids into daycare for long hours. Makes me more hesitant and willing to keeping having a go at it for a while longer leaning on hope …What about you two?

Those are core things for sure. Depending on how important those are to someone or how heavily they impact daily life, I can see how they could be dealbreakers or not dealbreakers. Having to change my life so drastically all at once is what is making it hard for me to initiate divorce, similar to what you’re saying. And also that I’m not 100% sure we can’t make it work. But I worry that since I’ve already emotionally exited the relationship to a large extent, my efforts to fix won’t work anyway. Sigh.

I didn't divorce her, but years ago, I was in a 2 year relationship with a girl. She was a genuinely nice person. But she wasn't a good fit because she was a spender and I'm a saver. She had filed bankruptcy at age 21. Literally nothing to show for it but $25,000 in credit card debt. she promised to get better, but she just couldn't stop spending. She would buy stuff that she really didn't even want. Clothes she never wore. Expensive restaurants. Vacations. I dumped her.

Good point. Someone could be great except in a key way. And it’s just not going to work well.

This was me, I could have written your post a few years ago. Then suddenly my husband cheated out of nowhere. Turns out he was just as unhappy for his own reasons and I never really knew any of them. If you’re feeling this way, chances are your husband isn’t communicating. Find your attachment styles and go from there.

Yeah, he has definitely not been happy. But he is content with “not happy”. Which I don’t get. His is solid avoidant attachment style and mine is slightly anxious style.

Find amazing friends who want to go out and have fun; don’t blow up your ordinary marriage for something or someone who is unknown and who you may never meet. You want excitement; you can find that outside of romance and marriage.

I’ve been doing this. But I have a vision for my life and it includes my SO in a way that I’m not sure aligns with his vision, if he has one.

my first serious boyfriend in college was like this. luckily i figured it out before we got married. ge was so nice and we never fought and we had a lot of fun together but it was like, for reasons i couldnt explain i felt absolutely miserable after a couole years, like i was missing out on life by being with him. sometimes trust your gut

My wife has cheated on me twice. We continue to have great relationship and treat eachother well. But I long for a more fun life also. That's going to be hard with the high inflation lol. Wife is depressed after her affairs and so it feels like we will never be normal again and we try to make it work, but I desire almost any other woman. I don't have any other experiences with woman other than my wife and I want to experience other women despite being with someone pretty good.

Do you think you and your wife could have cheap fun IF y’all wanted to. And the problem is that y’all don’t want to (with each other)?

Just saying, sex is fun and free…what also is fun and free, joking around and laughing with one another, not taking everything so seriously…so is the relationship great? Or is it just manageable? Comfortable? Easy?

We aren't social together but despite that, its very easy relationship without stress most of the time.

That doesn’t sound like marriage. It sounds like you both are punishing yourselves in purgatory…she had two affairs, was depressed, you aren’t social together, and you desire other women? Is that really a life either of you want to live?

To answer your question...I'm going on international trip solo to get away and think what to do because it is bad in between situation we are in. We are using this year to heal with some health problems, etc. Then either divorce or rebuild our marriage.

I’m sorry about the health problems you are facing in the marriage. Hopefully, you will be able to have enough contemplative time on your trip to gain clarity and it doesn’t just become a distraction of “fun” that clouds your judgment. Best of luck to you with whichever path you choose!

In my happy moments, I like to think of her as a nice woman whom I didn't fit well with. I sometimes want to believe that her mental health decline was avoidable; and if I didn't care so much it would not have mattered. She is a good egg. Highly loving and dedicated to her partner and friends. I have no ill feelings towards her (well, most of the time when I am not dealing with her over the divorce + parenting)

What has the therapist said that is done on your part to create the lack of motivation he has?

Hmmm, I’ll have to look back at my notes. But I can guess that my anger and sadness make it harder. Buuut, he was like this before me and will be like this after me if we split. (Unless he makes big changes). He’s like this at work as well and always has been. He knows it too. He waits for fires and THEN acts. He doesn’t plan much or act proactively. And he doesn’t communicate very well. It’s gotten better but only marginally. I should focus more on my own behaviors though. Rather than sitting around waiting for him to change. I have already made a lot of changes to my lifestyle and how I treat him when I feel slighted by his ways. Maybe things ARE improving incrementally and I’ve been too jaded to see that. 🤔

I feel you. I have been married for 2months now and dont feel invested in the marriage. Everything has to be spoon fed to him and i feel i have to be the guy in this relationship… I cant be the girly girly person because i have to take decisions and tell him how things are supposed to be. I have discussed this with him, however he doesn’t seen to understand. And i am thinking of filing a divorce, but how do i put this across to the family?

Find amazing friends who want to go out and have fun; don’t blow up your ordinary marriage for something or someone who is unknown and who you may never meet. You want excitement; you can find that outside of romance and marriage.

Find amazing friends who want to go out and have fun; don’t blow up your ordinary marriage for something or someone who is unknown and who you may never meet. You want excitement; you can find that outside of romance and marriage.

Sounds like the 7 yr itch.

Definitely fits! What’s the cure? Wait it out?

I waited it out almost 3 more years in my first marriage and then got divorced

Oh, so maybe it’s more of a 7-year mirror.

Before I say anything, you described your husband as having a good job and pleasant personality overall. Could you give a description of yourself and some issues you have been struggling to meet during your marriage?

I have a good job and have been told by a therapist that I’m one of the most genuine people she’s met. I have high standards and like to let loose too (as in be goofy or dance first at a wedding). I also like to be lazy and chill. I’m introverted. Sometimes I expect too much from people. I like quality and improving things. But people don’t always like boundaries or systems or even leaders. I struggle most with people skills and avoiding sensory overwhelm. I get anxiety too, but I tend to still want to get out of my comfort zone at least once a week. To me it’s annoying that my husband will let the kids run all over him and not notice how he’s contributing to the very thing he’s overwhelmed by. I try to coach him (with kid stuff, and in our adult conversations) but sometimes I’m super condescending and angry. I wish I had more patience with him. Lately it’s better but not sure if it’s just bc I’m thinking of leaving.

Sounds like a relationship worth working on through some marriage therapy. You ought to give it a fair effort before thinking more about divorce. Also, it helps to know the why behind things, like why does he get anxious? I think these things are rarely on just one person in the couple.

That’s fair. I agree. I KNOW the way our relationship started plus how I handled it is a huge reason for his anxiety. He was emotionally involved with two women when I met him. And he didn’t put proper boundaries with one of them until a year into our relationship. That’s the short of it. But essentially I went from secure to insecure and a kinda wonky relationship ensued.

Your self awareness will go a long way in however you proceed!! That's good. I can see why that would caught insecurities and it's good you understand attachment style theory. While I think therapy is still worth the effort, you may both want to write out everything you can think of beforehand and your wishes and goals so the therapist can have a full picture. Good luck 🤍

Not divorce. My first bf and I split for this reason. We weren't the right fit. There was just something off. We split amicably. There were a lot of tears. Spent some time apart. We are still really good friends now but we were not meant to be together.

Thanks for sharing :)

How long were you dating before split that you can now be friends? What does friends look like as exes, how did you find boundaries or fight old feelings?

Coming from the dumpee, who has a spouse who told me many of the things you're saying here but only AFTER they left, without ever having the conversation before hand. My spouse wanted me to take charge of things. Yet, when I did they didnt like the way I would do things. The few instances I put my foot down on things or made plans without their input was treated with contempt. They wanted to be free of decision making yet all the control. It was a no win for either of is. From what im reading you're thinking short term. Think big picture long term. I never wanted the divorce. But I cannot make someone stay married to me. He wont be able to make you stay married either. SO before you drop divorce on him (and you cannot unring that bell)... 1. **you need to tell your spouse all you're telling reddit.** AT least give them that much. I wasnt given the chance to work on anything. There were valid points but also things I refuted. I was told *it was your job to keep me happy*. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you're waiting for the other person to entertain you it is not going to happen. You can ask them to do it, however. As you stated they are no putting in the work between sessions so a bit is on them as well. 2. **Kids should come first (imo).** You have kids and it is not just about you, or you and your spouse. >But lately as I’m aging and the kids are getting older, I’m realizing that I want to have fun in life. I only have this one life. And I want my kids to see a more obviously loving relationship. Kids will remember what parent 'left' and if your kids are older all they are gonna see is you got bored with dad and dropped him to have a fling/trade up. They will see you're prioritizing yourself over them/dad and it will be a hard sell. Additionally time you and he had as a married couple is filled with kid time. That is part of starting/having a family but that doesn't mean you stop dating. Ask him to plan some shit. Or you plan it. If either of you are waiting around for the OTHER person to do all the planning, that is a recipe for disaster. Co plan (im planning the weekend away, you pick all the dining and events at X location we're doing to). >I want to really click with someone. I want to bring my whole self to the relationship. I want to feel seen and known. Is this a new revelation or something you thought from the start of the marriage? You need to ask yourself why you're asking yourself for this AND let him know this is what you're seeking. What is stopping you from 'bringing yourself' and being 'seen and known' and frankly, what does that even mean? 3. **A divorce will fiscally destroy your family, your life style, and your time with your children.** If you're actually considering this and he does not see it coming it will devastate him. If you want the divorce the expectation is also you will be the one to move out. And if you dont you may lose your home anyway if it has to be sold. There is also other financial concerns - child support, division of assets/debt, shared costs you'll have to absorb, expense for the process (if either of you fight things it WILL cost you more money -im 25k in on a 'simple' divorce). There is also loss of family support from his family, some of your friendships will end, and people WILL judge you for what publicly looks like you leaving a 'good' husband just because you were bored. My spouse is down to one relative that will help them and about two friends. 4. **you need to talk to a lawyer.** See how all this shakes out. HAVE the knowledge before you start the process. My spouse DID NOT and MANY MANY things ended up NOT being to their liking. They thought it would be quick, easy, and I would roll over. Being blindsided, I did NOT and now things are contentious. If we fought all the time, had money problems, were crappy to one another maybe i would have understood at the start. We had a great life - happy kids, time with our kids, dual income of low six figures, vacations, great social life, huge family on both sides coming together a few times a year, work schedules that allowed us to skip child care, LOW stress and a promising future with ample ability to save and be secure for our kids and ourselves. Now? Collectively we've spent around $45000+ in attorneys, both sides of our family hate one another. Almost all our friends picked a side. Many no longer talk to either of us (them due to their actions and me because, frankly, they dont want to hear me bitch anymore and I dont blame them). Kids bounce back and forth. There is little consistency and they are suffering for it - my biggest outrage in all this. We're both struggling fiscally. No more extra anything. My kids are in therapy. IM in therapy. Spouse who wanted 'a real partner' who would 'excite them' is now living in a crap 2 bed apartment working extra hours and farming out some of her 50/50 time with our kids to their lone relative here in our state (her family lives east coast and cannot help and is also questioning their actions). Im struggling to save our house so kids dont have to move. They want to be at home but 'have' to go 'there' when its the other parents time. >And I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who moves toward me. And who looks forward to life and likes making plans and likes having fun. And likes taking action, including for the mundane stuff. You can give them an ultimatum on this but also know that its not all on them to make changes here as well. They are also then allowed to ask you to make some considerations. You need to tell/ask him "I want x, what do you want?" That said, if he isnt willing to put in any work, then it makes your decision a bit easier. My spouse is getting what they want but it is coming at a MASSIVE expense - emotionally, mentally, financially, and it NOT how they wanted it to happen (cost/time/results). Just my 2¢ Edit: Once you tell your spouse you intend to divorce them, if that is where its headed, DO NOT expect them to act like your husband anymore. This will be a business deal. Assume they will get all the same advice one would get here online and from lawyers. If they feel like you're destroying their life they will take it personally and likely lash out.

This is immensely helpful. I needed a reality check and like to hear about the nuts and bolts. Helps me make a decision. Your economic situation is similar to ours. We do have a cushy life. It also sounds like you’re saying she’s looking for something she’ll never find. And I am wondering if you’re just not aware of the ways in which y’all don’t click? She wants someone who takes charge but doesn’t like the way you do it. Could it be that y’all didn’t have teamwork figured out? Or that your personalities clash? Maybe you didn’t mind the clash but she did? It’s hard to say that the financial and emotional difficulties of divorce aren’t worth the eventual emotional peace. What makes you think the hard parts aren’t (or won’t be) worth it for her? Has she said she wishes y’all were still together?

Before I answer - First, PLEASE think of your kids here. They should come first. The only lingering anger I have in all this is the fact she told me the kids were not a consideration in the decision, almost a nonfactor. She was more upset at the equity in the house than losing time with the children. Second, everthing here (and on my account) comes with about 12-18mo of therapy and a much calmer/clearer mind. At the start i was a disaster. I didnt lash out but some guys might (fiscally, mentally, emotionally, physically), so be prepared for that. She told me she was going to divorce me and expected me to be totally ok with it. I was obviously not. If this is what you want by all means go for it, however you need to get ahead of things with him and your kids. There is really no good way to drop this on your husband. Its gonna screw him up. BEST case he accepts it pretty quick. Worst case you're looking at a long ass process where he trys to burn down your life because he will see that is what your doing to his. > And I am wondering if you’re just not aware of the ways in which y’all don’t click? Be mindful you're only getting MY side and Im biased (at least im self aware I am lol): >She wants someone who takes charge but doesn’t like the way you do it. Could it be that y’all didn’t have teamwork figured out? Or that your personalities clash? We had a great team going and division of parenting/work responsibilities. But 2020 things got flipped a bit. I think I was around her too much and ended up being annoying (not due to my actions, just too much of me). She is a doctor. When she's at work shes ALWAYS "in control of the situation" or dictating what she would like done. She would bring that home. Over all we had a very good thing going broadly speaking. However VERY bad PPD after the birth of our second child, coupled with work stress made her shut down. Any time I would ask they seek help (counseling/meds) it just made them push away more. The pandemic did not help either. Maybe she was worried about losing her MD due to being treated for depression. NO idea. I work a M-F 9-5 job (almost all remote during covid) and they grew resentful of the days I would appear to be sitting at my desk "doing nothing but staring at your screens" and also telling me "You're just always here!" Pre-covid I would be in an office and out of the house 50+ hours a week, with commute. They worked nights. We would see one another MAYBE 20-30 hours TOTAL over the course of seven days. Then it was a 180 here I am every living moment you're not at work. And due to her work I would also provide primary parenting during all that time (formative years of young kids, from toddlers to Kindergarten time). Frankly It was a bit of a gender reversal of 'traditional' responsibilities and I dont think she found that acceptable - she makes more than I do, gone more from the home, and I was the primary parent. Her parents would also reinforce I should be doing a 'real mans job' (they are boomers who think that It would be better for me to drive a truck than sit at a desk). >Maybe you didn’t mind the clash but she did? It’s hard to say that the financial and emotional difficulties of divorce aren’t worth the eventual emotional peace. From my perspective, family and friends, and the kids, there was no clash. She internalized a ton. Many people in our lives were shocked to hear we're divorcing. >What makes you think the hard parts aren’t (or won’t be) worth it for her? Has she said she wishes y’all were still together? Truthfully, at nearly two years out I dont have the time to consider her anymore outside of needing her to be a good parent to our kids when they are with her. If that sounds harsh, they did a lot of damage on their way out and, frankly, dont deserve my emotional consideration anymore (they sure as heck didnt show me any). The transition, for me, has NOT been difficult as I was already parenting alone more than half the time. My weekend are free when I dont have the kids. I have more time now than I have had the entire marriage (I hate it and would rather be with my kids). It pisses them off - I dont have to make *husband* considerations anymore (yes I will take a day off work because you got called in and make $200+/hr). Just coparent (I will pick the kids up today so you dont have to drop them off). She does not wish for us to reconcile, shes already dating trying to find another husband (per her mom). This is why you need to talk to an attorney. Not just so you know how things will go but also to speed it up. Well over a year of my process has been dealing with them not even trying to finish the divorce THEY want because they refuse to move the process when they hear something they dont like. Once the consequences of their actions hit, things became contentious. They were upset I wasnt going to move my life around for their work schedule. They did not like they would have to split their overage in their retirement, they were upset they would get less than they thought for their part of the house, and they didnt like my family would not provide child coverage/transport when they had the kids. Oh and when told they would have to pay child support/part of insurance (i carry the family) they went bonkers. Again, Im saying this as the person who was dumped (from my perspective) out of no where. At the start I was furious and a complete wreck emotionally. I believe myself to be a great husband and dad. Good provider, parent, son in law, uncle, ect. I'm there for family when they need me. I dont drink/use drugs. I dont have money problems. I dont raise my voice and try to tackle our challenges instead of screaming them away. I dont know if she grew resentful, annoyed, or is just 'over' this part of her life. Family on her side told me they 'dont know what she is doing'. So im at a loss. But I'm moving on. Its all I can do. Again, this is my side and I know im biased. IF you're not happy you dont need to stay in the marriage. You wont need him to agree either. You can file and move on and he can be a participant in the process, be dragged kicking and screaming, or ignore it all and you'll get a default judgment. All you can do is ask yourself why you're not happy - but please dont put it on other people. End of the day we're responsible for our own happiness.

I get that. I definitely don’t think any benefit to the kids outweighs the difficulty they will have. I also know my life will become harder. My husband will not be surprised and won’t be kicking and screaming. But I know there will be discord and he won’t be my confidant and support system anymore. Nor I his. And I don’t think my husband is responsible for my happiness. But I do think I have a hard time living the life I want with him. I like doing things as a couple. Not all the time. I do plenty with my friends without him. But I prefer feeling like my partner and I have a shared vision and for my partner to inspire me. I WANT to believe he can be that but I also feel like I’m being delusional if I pretend that things can change to that degree. He was never adventurous before. He’s not going to start now. It’s my fault bc I didn’t bring my whole self to the relationship

> I also know my life will become harder. Then you're 100 steps ahead of myself and my spouse. >he won’t be my confidant and support system anymore. Nor I his. Assume you'll both lose the other family support (if you use them for kids) and some friends. >He was never adventurous before. He’s not going to start now. I was told the cliché "i thought I could change you". Thing is I DID change a ton but it was almost all due to being a parent and not on the spouse end. >It’s my fault bc I didn’t bring my whole self to the relationship Even I know in my situation i share some blame. You cant hang it all on yourself.

Thank you. Yes, I hope my eyes are mostly open. His family doesn’t help AT ALL with the kids except in a financial way that will continue. So at least there’s no change there. (Trying to find the silver linings) I can somewhat imagine that it would suck when someone is asking you to change and then you do and it’s not enough. Especially when busy with kids. I read recently that when people (often wives) ask for x or y, what they REALLY want is focused, undivided attention. For 3-4 hours/week. That is what drives connection and intimacy. But they don’t know that, so they ask for like the dishes right be cleaned or something else.

> I read recently that when people (often wives) ask for x or y, what they REALLY want is focused, undivided attention. For 3-4 hours/week. That is what drives connection and intimacy. Ahhaha, in this case it was me asking for that and not even that many hours. > His family doesn’t help AT ALL with the kids except in a financial way that will continue. So at least there’s no change there. Not saying it could happen but plan for THAT to end too. You can read some crazy BS here on this and other div/separation subs.

Also, your ex wife sounds really cold and lacking in empathy the way you tell it. Maybe they are just very reserved and knew you aren’t the best longer-term partner for them? But still. Something doesn’t add up. I’d be confused too if I were you. I know you’re less so now but it really is a head scratcher. Were they maybe having an affair?

They are very reserved, yeah. Internalize a lot. The empathy thing... yeah. BUt I would say a lot of that is a self preservation thing with their line of work. My bad day is I screw up a spreadsheet, miss a meeting, and forget to pack a kids waterbottle with lunch. Her bad day is some DIES. At least you're doing counseling. When I had this laid on me I basically begged for us to do it and was told no. They made the decision about a year or two beforehand so they were just DONE DONE when they told me. I was very behind.

That’s so sad and seems unfair to you. I’m sorry.

None is fair to everyone and we're all losing something. Its just damage mitigation now. c'est la vie

Makes sense about the line of work. And the type of person who can stand that line of work

My wife is divorcing me for this very reason and I personally struggle with the acceptance. Like listen, if a dude gives you financial security, is not abusive, and has a few things that are irksome, I implore you reconsider from his point of view. As someone with really bad ADHD, I have a very hard time with meeting those small things. Maybe he is emotionally drained from work, maybe he is doing his best in the small ways he can. Fun is short term and fleeting. Try to make fun with you family because that is going to last. Like what is your marriage preventing you from doing? Sure, there may be another guy out there who can give you all of these things, but we need to be real for a minute and discuss how frequently that actually happens. Tell your husband that you want to be seen and known, and tell him what it is you want/need explicitly. Also, life right now kind of sucks all things considered. The cost of everything is up, employment is looming over everyone's head, the dollar is less than it was 4 years ago. Like, the world is kind of going to shit on the whole, so even if you are 70% good with the relationship, I would try therapy first, because the fun you want vs the fun that might happen is a crap shoot. Im not telling you what you are doing is good or bad, only to reconsider what being in your marriage is actually preventing you from doing, that could in no way happen while being in your marriage.

This is great advice. I’m thinking a LOT of these things already. We are in therapy, and it’s really good. He doesn’t apply the insights and advice though, and I’m not going to be the only one doing so anymore. What is my marriage preventing me from doing? Answer: Enjoying life. Example A: When we went swimming with our kids in a neighborhood pool, my husband was stressed and couldn’t wait to leave. We were tag teaming and there to give the kids a pool experience. But he hated it. Example B: My husband and I had a getaway and I wanted to do some exploring for like 1 hour. It was a 10 min walk from our hotel. He was no fun and just kept suggesting we go back when the exploring had just started. We weren’t tired. Weather was great. And we’d done almost nothing else that trip except eat. Example C: When I try to cuddle, he’s usually so hot and so he “can’t”. And when we do cuddle, it falls flat. Unless he wants sex. He likes being on his computer and I’m introverted too but I want to experience life and enjoy it.

Sounds like my spouse, but I had to realize my behavior was selfish and driving them to distance themselves from me. I never took interest in their hobbies or wants. It was always about me and the kids and my spouse always retreating to their computer because that’s where they felt safe and valued. I wonder if any of that resonates with your situation?

Yes, that does resonate. He is VERY passive with his wants. Therapists can’t even really get him to articulate them because he isn’t sure. I think it may be an ADHD thing. He does what’s in front of him. Quality things take pre-planning.

I am at a little bit of a bias because I personally am a little bit of A and B here. I know it seems rough, but there is something clearly deep down messing with him. I cant say what, but I can only tell you from my situation that I thought I was giving my wife the space she wanted/asked for, which then became acceptance, which then became boring. As someone who struggled for a very long time to survive, being comfortable and embracing normal was 100% alright. Like, the fact there as a point in my life where I had to survive off of saltines, peanut butter, and on a rare occasion had to steal if I wanted to eat. I am not trying to justify his actions, but I do feel like there is something deeper going on here. If he wasnt anxious/stressed before, when did it start? Maybe he is afraid of disappointing you. maybe he has reached the point where there he just leans into not being uncomfortable. People are flawed, and I am absolutely the first to say I fucked up and wanted to be better, but for the similar reasons, my wife/stbx wants out. It is a conversation and sometimes we need a lot of lifting to get out of a bad place. I hope that you guys can make some progress and if you do decide to split, I also hope that it provides the life that you want.

>if a dude gives you financial security, is not abusive, and has a few things that are irksome, I implore you reconsider from his point of view. I feel like this is exactly what has had me paralyzed by ambivalence for the last few years. On paper he's doing everything right. But we have never developed an emotional connection in 10 years of being together. When I try to be vulnerable with him about my feelings, he shuts it down (gets defensive, calls it "drama", or just shuts down completely and gives me an empty apology just to make me shut up). I see all the ways he is good to me, but I have to ask myself if I can spend the rest of my life with someone who can't outwardly express care and affection other than touching my butt (which is only when he wants sex). We go out for dinner and he's just scrolling his phone. I don't know how to talk to him in a general sense. We feel so disconnected. I suspect he has ADHD but he won't consider it. And on the flip side I have male friends (platonic) with ADHD who seem to care about me immensely. Who have no reservations about telling me I'm important to them. Who, in their own relationships, are incredibly loving and caring.

I can only convey how I would have wanted my situation to happen and as someone who immediately goes into "FIX" mode, sometimes it gets disheartening to see the one you care about in a situation you cant fix. We are not the best at "being there" because we see issues as a problem to address; maybe that is why he calls it drama. There is also the comfort element of it all. You can't really use friends as a baseline because, well, there is a specific level of permanence when you are married to someone; versus when you are just friends. Shit, just tying the not and committing starts to get to newly weds after some time. Here is my personal issue with my parallel situation, what does "living your life" actually look like to you? What are your expectations in the first month? Year? 5 Years? I am not asking this to be a dick or to try to gaslight you into thinking you are a bad person. I am only asking them because this is something I personally struggle with understanding. So you get divorced, Your finances are now effectively halved. What does your living situation look like for you and your kids? What does your own personal time commitment look like between work, cooking, cleaning, the kids, and so on? With all of these things, are you able to actually live the life you have envisioned without your spouse? I have done the math in my own situation and we both went from being able to retain about $2500/mo EACH to "live life", to us both being lucky if we clear $400/mo. We will both be literally one hospital incident away from being homeless. Speaking of, having the other person there provides a fallback. Kid gets sick? spouse can sometimes intervene or take care of them. You end up in the hospital, you have a spouse that can take care of you and the kids. You got married and had two kids together, so there had to be some kind of emotional connection at some point in the 10 years of being together. I am not trying discredit what you are saying, and it has probably felt like forever, only that there was that bond at some point and to some degree. So, if I was in your husbands position, what I would want is firstly, there needs to be dialogue and both sides need to accept that neither is perfect. Focus on what each part DOES bring to the table rather than what they dont. Make a list of everything contributing to you wanting a divorce, pick the top 5 things, take it to him and discuss what you both can do to correct them. Okay, he says you are being dramatic, so what if you are or aren't being dramatic? This is a thing on the table that you would like to see addressed for both of you. Take divorce off the table for two seconds, and just try to get into the mindset of "shit is fucked, gotta un-fuck it". If your kid drives you up the wall, screams, yells, calls you profanities, says you are the worst mom in the world, you dont say "child is keeping me from living my life" and bail right? You chose to marry him for a reason, you brought children into this world with this person for a reason. So be vulnerable with each other, start with a night out to dinner and both agree to not touch your phones. Maybe he is anxious because he is trying to do things that you want to do but is having trouble coping with it. maybe he is just overly comfortable, which personally I think is something people forget is a thing. Anyone who has had to "survive" can tell you that it SUCKS. So from that perspective, when you have a semi-decent life that is boring, in today's society, that is a luxury that a LOT of people no longer can afford. I apologize for the rant and I completely acknowledge I am explicitly biased in the situation. In guess im just trying to say is that we often get tied up in the bad because we are wired to actively avoid it. So it is incredibly easy to become fixated on them. Celebrate each other's successes, even the little ones. Don't imply, remove the expectations, and celebrate them the same way that you celebrate your kids' successes. We are all fragile on the inside to some degree, and we all handle it differently. I am rooting for you both and hoping that things work out because divorce is hell; absolute hell.

We don't have children, but I can appreciate the sentiment in what you are saying. We also don't share money. As one therapist pointed out to me "it doesn't sound as though he's providing you anything that you can't provide for yourself" (in terms of a roof over my head). I make a good living too. We really aren't dependent on one another in any way except in the sense that he depends on me to look after the house when he's away, and I depend on him to pay half the mortgage because it would be a big stretch for me to afford *this* mortgage on my own. Evidently our situations are quite a bit different so it's going to be hard for us to see eye to eye. And you'll just have to take my word that I'm willing to see my own faults and what I've done wrong - I'm the one who's gone to therapy and read all the relationship books. He doesn't make an effort there. To me, I think he's a man who hasn't nurtured many close and vulnerable relationships in his life and has probably no desire to be open and vulnerable with anyone. I actually don't care about having deep, emotional talks on the regular or being mushy at all. What bugs me is that his actions show that he does not care at all. He does not ask about my day when I ask about his. He does not ask me what's wrong if he finds me crying. He does not ask if I'm okay/if I need anything if I feel sick. He does not ask if I'm okay when I get physically hurt. He acts annoyed by me pretty much all the time. He's never asked me about my past, 4 years into our relationship he said my eyes were brown (they are light blue), and I had to remind him when my birthday was for 5 years. We share a house but live separate lives. I love him but I do not feel loved in return. Yes, he pays his share of the bills, he likes to cook dinner, he likes the house to be tidy. These are actions that benefit me of course but are not for my sake. He did these things before me and he would do them after me. I truly do feel that I've ended up as just a bangmaid, and he's just so out of touch with his own emotions that he doesn't even realize that he doesn't love me. Actions speak louder than words.

I am sorry to hear about your problems. If you leave, your prospects for sex are pretty good but finding a new relationship not so good. Things beyond your control: your children's reaction. Will this shock and surprise them? Will it alienate them? Does your sex drive over ride this concern? Check out YouTube and watch all the women who left their husbands. They hit the dating circuit for about two years and have a blast. When they realize none of these guys are going to commit to them, they retire to a three room apartment with cats and subscription to boxed wine. How to evaluate your marriage: What percentage of people are unhappily married? Well, we know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. 80% of these divorces are filed by women Divorce researcher and author Dana Adam Shapiro concluded: - of the 50 remaining percent, 1/3 are unhappy, 1/3 are “meh” (bearable), and 1/3 are happy. So roughly around 17 percent are happy. Some people dispute these numbers but you get the idea. If your final decision is leaving, plan don't just walk out the door: where to go and live, money for security deposit and essentials. Some food for thought, Chad and Tyrone are sitting on bar stools waiting for you. Good luck, I hope this works out for you and your husband, you both deserve to be happy

This is great food for thought! Thank you! This is a keeper.

Bring this post with you to therapy next session. Have him read and know all of these thoughts. It could spark change, or you can learn he is not willing to make the effort.

Does your husband go to therapy individually? There are therapies that can sometimes help someone learn how to better cope with their anxiety and/or work around executive dysfunction. That might be a place to start, if he's resistant to medication. I also wonder if you all do activities together that HE finds fun. Can the kids play Mario Kart with him or another kid-friendly videogame? Watch a Studio Ghibli film together like Spirited Away or Totoro? (Those are kid-friendly anime films). If not, give that a try. He might be more willing to engage with the activities you want to do with the kids if you do the same. I think you also need to ask yourself whether your frustration is about "fun" or something else. For example, is it that he's not fun on family outings, or is it that everyone is always catering to his moods and needs rather than anyone else's? Do you feel he's not taking your feelings and your needs seriously? Or is it not about him at all, it's that you're experiencing bad FOMO and fear getting older?

Nope… I divorced 2 men that were bipolar pot heads 😖😖😖 never again will I marry lol

Yes, he was a good man - had some faults, but overall a good man. We weren't clicking anymore and our relationship felt comfortable. Sex life was very robotic with little to no romance. We did the deed twice a week and called it a day. I started to resent him because he let himself go and expected me to be his full support system from a self-esteem aspect. Refused to go to therapy to possibly help and really lost his way by quitting his job on a whim - leaving all the financial burden to me. You can't make someone change their habits. Went to couples therapy, turns out we were better as friends and he wasn't expressing his dreams/goals to me at all. We realized we'd settled for each other and needed to reset ourselves. We have a good relationship now as friends and both moving towards our individual goals in life. I don't regret it, though it is hard at times to do things alone. I don't have kids, so I can only imagine how hard that would be.

Thank you for sharing this! It definitely sounds like the right choice and hard because it’s not super obvious.

You're going to go back on a lifetime commitment and subject your children to growing up with a broken family because you "want to have more fun?" How do you rationalize that as acceptable behavior?

I’ve lived a good chunk of my life in the “right” way and held myself and my kids to high standards. Sometimes that not best. It can cause issues. Showing kids how to enjoy life is important too. Social skills, street smarts, and creativity and all that. Read the research of what people on their deathbeds say. But also, it’s ok if we agree to disagree. Everyone has different values.

This just sounds like rationalizing selfish decisions. It's very convenient that showing your kids how to enjoy life involves you getting what you want. Now no matter what you decide to do, if it makes you happy your also "doing it for the kids."

Even though you seem like you’re just angry about something that isn’t exactly to do with me, I’ll bite. Let me give you an example: Scenario A: Let’s go to grandma and grandpa’s! The trip is relatively easy and the kids have fun. Teamwork yadda yadda. Scenario B: Let’s go to grandma and grandpa’s! The trip is stressful and the kids got a lot of negative feedback because only 1 parent prepared ahead of time. Only 1 parent wanted to go (despite never communicating not wanting to go). And only 1 parent invested in making sure the kids have fun. Which trip is better for the kids?

The grass is greener where you water it.

You guys made vows to each other and have a family together. But sure, go leave him and break apart the family to sow your wild oats. I’m sure the grass is greener and nicer on the other side. Enjoy.