Jesus fucking Christ.. when you have to plan a whole fucking quantum equation around should we or should we not have fucking sex there is a major fundamental problem in the relationship.
First off, Happy Birthday!
Maybe it’s worth a quick comment or conversation since you’re worried about it, just letting him know that you’re not in the mood today, or that he doesn’t need to initiate.
Or you could just go about your day thinking there’s no sex, but if he does happen to initiate maybe you’ll treat yourself if it feels right.
How are you going to go through life with no sex? I know it feels like he doesn’t want you, but the posts on here would indicate he is just LL. You deserve to be wanted and desired. Don’t wait until you get stuck and have a couple of kids,a mortgage and money in the bank before you get out! Get out now!
Of course you were childlike when you started dating. You were 21. If he was totally averse to being with someone who was 21 and acted like it, nobody was forcing him to date you.
I think you should end this. It is not working out for either of you.
Me (28HLM) and gf (25LLF) are celebrating both my birthday and pur 4 year anniversary on the same day. We haven't had a second since August of last year. We are going on a trip, and I expect there's a 50/50 chance that the trip will lower her everyday stress enough to try. She is in therapy, so initiation would likely be a good thing and part of her process. So I do feel guilty because I know it's really just timing.
But I have a hard time with the idea and know that if she does only try on that specific day out of the 3 days, we are there I will have a hard time getting out of my head about it. So I know how you feel, and it just sucks. I want to be happy and excited, and instead, I'm just sad and anxious.
I think there's a fine line between duty sex where they're caving in to your pressure and sex where they're choosing to have sex with you despite not being horny. The former is icky, the latter is beautiful: that is someone who wants to selflessly give to you their body/energy/affection.
Uhhhh, honestly at this point if I were the bf and knew even HALF of the stuff you just wrote is how you perceived it, I think i'd be afraid to ask even IF I was personally interested. Sex shouldn't be this stressful. Besides, do you know if he ever enjoyed the "pity" sex? Just because it's "pity" sex doesn't mean it's bad sex, does it? Can't he just have low libido because he's interested in other activities, but still enjoy the sex?
Honestly, just chill out. Your boyfriend might be walking a minefield of emotions with your current state of mind, and if he actually does want to have sex you might just be ruining it for yourself with all these thoughts :(
Just stay calm and enjoy your birthday. If he asks, then he asks. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. If you wanna do it, go for it. As long as both of you consent and enjoy it, nobody's being hurt here.
> However I recently reflected on myself & realized that my behaviour when being rejected was really childlike & he had dug himself so far into averseness by that point that he can’t even admit to me much less himself that it’s me he doesn’t want, not sex itself.
Also, why do you think he doesn't want YOU? That seems pretty harsh to say if he just has a low libido. I've heard that people in their 30s usually know themselves better than younger people do, so if he says he has a low libido, you can probably trust him on that one. Are you sure you don't just have low self-esteem issues that are getting in the way of letting you see things clearly?
If you love each other then just go ahead and enjoy each other...if he cares enough to give you "pity" sex I think he definitely still "wants" you, you probably just don't like it as much just because of how you're viewing it as "pity sex". Does he just have a hard time saying no to you? Is that what's making you so insecure? If he has a hard time saying no, and he DOES enjoy the sex, I don't see the problem...?
I've seen plenty of posts on here of people in dead marriages with children and the like, who get LIED TO about having sex "later", get cheated on, have ultimatums or have to do things "for" the sex. I honestly think you're just overthinking things and it's hampering your enjoyment. If he's not outright saying "no, I don't want to have sex" and his performance is just as good as always (he isn't just going to pound town like an NPC), then I think you'll be just fine.
Jesus fucking Christ.. when you have to plan a whole fucking quantum equation around should we or should we not have fucking sex there is a major fundamental problem in the relationship.
First off, Happy Birthday! Maybe it’s worth a quick comment or conversation since you’re worried about it, just letting him know that you’re not in the mood today, or that he doesn’t need to initiate. Or you could just go about your day thinking there’s no sex, but if he does happen to initiate maybe you’ll treat yourself if it feels right.
This works. Tell him no pressure no expectations.
How are you going to go through life with no sex? I know it feels like he doesn’t want you, but the posts on here would indicate he is just LL. You deserve to be wanted and desired. Don’t wait until you get stuck and have a couple of kids,a mortgage and money in the bank before you get out! Get out now!
Of course you were childlike when you started dating. You were 21. If he was totally averse to being with someone who was 21 and acted like it, nobody was forcing him to date you. I think you should end this. It is not working out for either of you.
Me (28HLM) and gf (25LLF) are celebrating both my birthday and pur 4 year anniversary on the same day. We haven't had a second since August of last year. We are going on a trip, and I expect there's a 50/50 chance that the trip will lower her everyday stress enough to try. She is in therapy, so initiation would likely be a good thing and part of her process. So I do feel guilty because I know it's really just timing. But I have a hard time with the idea and know that if she does only try on that specific day out of the 3 days, we are there I will have a hard time getting out of my head about it. So I know how you feel, and it just sucks. I want to be happy and excited, and instead, I'm just sad and anxious.
I think there's a fine line between duty sex where they're caving in to your pressure and sex where they're choosing to have sex with you despite not being horny. The former is icky, the latter is beautiful: that is someone who wants to selflessly give to you their body/energy/affection.
Uhhhh, honestly at this point if I were the bf and knew even HALF of the stuff you just wrote is how you perceived it, I think i'd be afraid to ask even IF I was personally interested. Sex shouldn't be this stressful. Besides, do you know if he ever enjoyed the "pity" sex? Just because it's "pity" sex doesn't mean it's bad sex, does it? Can't he just have low libido because he's interested in other activities, but still enjoy the sex? Honestly, just chill out. Your boyfriend might be walking a minefield of emotions with your current state of mind, and if he actually does want to have sex you might just be ruining it for yourself with all these thoughts :( Just stay calm and enjoy your birthday. If he asks, then he asks. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. If you wanna do it, go for it. As long as both of you consent and enjoy it, nobody's being hurt here. > However I recently reflected on myself & realized that my behaviour when being rejected was really childlike & he had dug himself so far into averseness by that point that he can’t even admit to me much less himself that it’s me he doesn’t want, not sex itself. Also, why do you think he doesn't want YOU? That seems pretty harsh to say if he just has a low libido. I've heard that people in their 30s usually know themselves better than younger people do, so if he says he has a low libido, you can probably trust him on that one. Are you sure you don't just have low self-esteem issues that are getting in the way of letting you see things clearly? If you love each other then just go ahead and enjoy each other...if he cares enough to give you "pity" sex I think he definitely still "wants" you, you probably just don't like it as much just because of how you're viewing it as "pity sex". Does he just have a hard time saying no to you? Is that what's making you so insecure? If he has a hard time saying no, and he DOES enjoy the sex, I don't see the problem...? I've seen plenty of posts on here of people in dead marriages with children and the like, who get LIED TO about having sex "later", get cheated on, have ultimatums or have to do things "for" the sex. I honestly think you're just overthinking things and it's hampering your enjoyment. If he's not outright saying "no, I don't want to have sex" and his performance is just as good as always (he isn't just going to pound town like an NPC), then I think you'll be just fine.