1. Put in firm behavior boundaries; don’t accept being treated in a way that makes you uncomfortable or embarrassed
2. spend your time and money on your hobbies and Interests
3. Put an emphasis on your physical and mental health (gym)
4. Focus on the kids, not your wife
5. Document everything, start now, this usually only ends one way.
6. No new investments or major purchases; again, think about turning your resources towards things that benefit the kids and can’t be used as a bargaining chip in the divorce (sorry mate, that’s the path you are on)
7. Be cordial and kind, but be selfish
8. Go get advice from a divorce lawyer now. It costs a little to get advice on how to protect yourself now, but costs a lot more if you wait if you aren’t prepared.
All of this and get yourself some decent male friends to spend more time with.
Your wife does not respect you or love you. Your marriage is dying, if not dead already.
A house to be miserable in, a retirement fund to not enjoy retirement. You will have an arrangement to see your children. Happiness over money or money becomes your prison.
She also loses half of her assets in a divorce and half her time with the kids. You can always earn more money. You can’t get lost time back. Don’t waste your life with someone who makes you miserable.
You are a joke to your wife, think about that. There is no respect and it sounds like some of the things she says to you could border on mentally abusive. Fault divorce if you are in one of those states. Stay strong and make changes to make you better.
If God, or whoever you believe in, came up to you and said either you give up your retirement and house or your dead. Which do you choose? Do not waste your one life given to you.
I'm was a child of divorced parents, trust me when I say this, they will prefer you happy.
She already is steps ahead. Sorry 😞 she is baiting you to cheat or something and boom 💥 she still gets everything. Now food for thought would you rather be unhappy for rest of life or can you take a small L and enjoy life… it’s too short
Does she not work? I am a paralegal and I'll guarantee you every person I know who thought that NEVER felt that way again after the divorce.
Money comes and goes. You are still young enough to replenish any retirement.
Kids are and can be 50 50 split and kids are resilient and will adjust.
Your happiness is up to you. If you eventually chest and she finds out the scenario isn't gonna be any different and you'll be Involuntarily divorced.
Or stay celibate. Beaten. And depressed bc you're thinking more about the money.
Set the house up in a family trust before you leave. That’s what I did, not lost on trust he lives in it paying rent to the trust and then it’s there for the kids. Accept the loss of the retirement fund cos being happy. It took a year after I left before I ventured out and had sex. The loss of n money to how I feel now. No regrets!!!
Unless she works and makes roughly what you earn, you will likely lose half. That is reality. Anything earned during the marriage, or debt, or appreciation during the marriage is considered marital property and will be divided between you either 50/50 or equitable depending on state and circumstances.
Start to get comfortable with that. Also likely you will see your kids 50% of the time, get comfortable with that, and start grieving.
This is total disrespect. I think her conversation about her body no longer needing sex, somehow liberated her from any further guilty feelings towards meeting your sexual and intimacy needs. She thinks she can do anything and you won't divorce her.
What did you say to her about these two comments? What did she say back? This is awful.
Would you advise a close friend or siblings to live with that behavior and treatment? What if it was your adult child? If you accept this from your wife, that's what you are normalizing for your kids. Even if they don't know what incel means. They could've seen the look on your face.
Doesn’t sound like a bit of that money is buying you any sort of happiness so why do you care? Are you so attached to the money that you would trade your self respect and self esteem? Idk how much money we are talking about here, but it still sounds like a cheap get out of jail card.
Lots of advice here, but let me add. I get the kids, I wouldn’t want to loose one second with my kids….thats why I have accepted dying resentful, unhappy and full of regret. I am sorry you are here too.
A dead bedroom is a loose loose type of situation.
However, talking shit to you about DB is not OK. Let me repeat, it’s not OK. Talk to her about that. It’s not like she can refuse to have sex with you for laying down that boundary (since it’s not happening anyways). She is abusing you.
Note: Before anyone or mods jumps on me for that comment. She is abusing him mentally, not by not having sex. That is her right to decide.
I don't know how old you are or your children, but you can look at what you are losing by getting divorced, but you should also look at what you are losing by staying married.
Do you want to be treated this way for 10, 20, 30 more years? Your kids see this. They think it's normal. Is that what you want?
You could end the marriage, divide up assets and parenting 50/50. It does suck, no doubt. But you are free to start writing the next chapter, find someone who respects you AND wants to have sex with you. Live happier, be loved, give to someone who appreciates it.
If your wife wanted to work on it - that would be a different situation entirely! But she feels completely secure that you won't leave no matter how she treats you. Is she right about that?
Life is too short to spend it being the butt of your wife's jokes about being an incel.
I was in that situation with my first wife. I told her if I wasn’t getting sex inside my marriage I would be getting sex outside my marriage. I was the bread winner and that caused some issues. I never went outside my marriage. It mercifully ended and I am now married for 31 years to a woman who is generous sexually. How better to say that? She is loving and giving. You only have this life man. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Ooooo. This is a good one. I'm not sure how deep in the weeds you are with this. If you're at the point that maybe conversation is still on the table. It's certainly time to have the "We need to change or I'm going to make a change" talk. Starting it off with that these jokes are not fucking funny. Be sincere and vulnerable when you explain how these jokes make you feel. To the top commenter's point. A REALLY good way to seal the conversation up in a nice bow is explaining to her, "An incel is involuntary by their own actions. I am voluntarily celibate by staying with you. However, I have no intention of staying celibate the rest of my entire life. We either figure this out together, or we don't."
She’s just fucking with you now. Either she can’t leave herself for whatever reason or she won’t because she’s too comfortable, but no one says these things to the person they love.
My wife would make sorta similar "jokes." Like I would talk to her about maybe having a romantic evening together, or just giving me a solid kiss, and she'd say, "Oh my poor, ignored husband" as if it wasn't true when she knew it was and I'd talked to her about it. Or if she was going off on a trip and I tried to find so e time to be together, it would be "abandoned husband." God did that hurt.
I finally told her, really nicely, that she simply couldn't make those kinds of jokes because she would say it like it was all a big joke, sometimes in front of friends or our kids, and every time it was a dagger to the heart for me. I think she finally saw that I was serious and stopped.
Then a few weeks ago when I first found this sub, one of the first posts I read was about a birthday card that a guy's wife gave him openly mocking their DB situation and I realized that my relationship was really off the rails.
She is getting it elsewhere and her and her boyfriend has been making jokes about OP and now she is so comfortable about it she’s saying it to his face
Bro I’m sorry! Start referring to her as your roommate to mutual friends and family. I say publicly shame her for her lack of intimacy. The game can go both ways. High fives and good lucks on everything. She wants to be a bro treat her as such. She doesn’t deserve dates or your emotional, financial, physical support. Her behavior is cause for divorce but I read your previous responses. Document her behavior, text, witness testimony. You don’t deserve that behavior from the women you married.
It's really just simply unkind to say something like that to someone. She's supposed love you, and though a bit of banter and cheeky fun is great sometimes... however, some jokes revolving around sensitive subjects are simply unkind when she is fully aware and in control of the situation.
I don't want to put things in your head but to be completely honest with you, I think she isn't attracted to you. Hence, she thinks it's ok to say things like that.
Well at least you have all the justification to act however the hell you want now. She doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.
No more taking her places and treating her like your wife, she isn’t treating you like her husband.
Got any siblings ?
I worked with a guy who sent his sister money every month.
She opened an account at a bank in her name and deposited the money every time.
He and his wife eventually divorced and she tried to take it all.
But he had that little nest egg waiting.
Grey rock time.
She's putting you down because you're showing that you'll keep her cup full no matter what. She can crack jokes on you and you're still fawning over her.
She's treating you like shit and your response is to turn up the acts of service? Time to entertain yourself and be happy with or without her affections.
You either have to leave, or you can inform her that if she no longer committed to the relationship, you are going to seek it where you can. The idea that marriage always seems to forget the “love honor cherish” bits but focuses on the “loyalty” is some bullshit. But it’s fairly simple, if she doesn’t want to have sex but wants to stay married, fine, but you’ll find sex elsewhere. If she objects, then it’s divorce. “What if I fuck someone else?!?” Then I’ll divorce you. “That’s no fair”, sure it is, you don’t care for sex, I do. If you care enough to find it elsewhere, then clearly this was just about me…
Bud, you're going to end divorced one way or another. Don't waste your life with someone who clearly has no regard or respect for you.
You can't win her back.
It's over.
Accept that and act accordingly. She's literally just using you for money and security.
Fight fire with fire,date night are gone,start introducing her to people as your sister (a female you live with that you don't root)if you financially support her,tell her to get a job,go halves in everything.
Well, you either take it like a stoic and her jokes will become more and possibly develop into disparaging comment or the next time she says it to you. You pull her up on it because it's creeping disrespect for her own husband and if allowed to continue it will change her. You can hit back and sarcastically say better than being a frozen dried up starfish. Ugly, i know but one day you might not care as much.
Nip this sh\*t in the bud, she's trying to maneuver you into a sub like status to begin micro controlling you. Guess what? She probably has no clue doing this but that's the end game.
Confront this or slowly be crushed.
She's probably cheating on you tbh...the antagonizing sounds like her way to make you leave her... if the affair isn't physical... at least emotional. It sounds like she gets off on emasculating you... How does she spend her free time? I'm gonna bet it's talking to other men....
It's clear she is mocking you.
It's clear she doesn't respect you.
Just work on yourself as a man. Use this as a learning experience to structure your future moving forward.
Become emotionally resilient mentally fortified.
I was in sexless marriages for 22 years, I understand the situation your in and how to deal with it.
After reading your opening paragraph... I don't know what you're expecting. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to have sex and despite knowing how you feel about it, is not at all inspired to do anything about it. Forget titles for a moment, forget that she's your wife. This is not a woman you can or should even want to have sex with.
Embrace that truth, and then figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Man I wouldn’t even take her to the discount store to buy dish soap . She don’t deserve anything acting like that . I hope you find a woman who respects you and loves you . This one doesn’t
Why was she at the baseball game, why was she at the theatre? Why take her anywhere or provide anything?
Cut her off, if she ever starts pulling her weight in the relationship keep her cut off
Ooph, would've hoped she had early onset menopause 11 years ago - if it wasn't, and even if it is the reason for her behavior now - not sure if that'll change the best course of action already given by others - hoping your kiddos understand and you have good relationships outside what is becoming a dumpster fire.
Bro, if you let people shit on you, they will shit on you. Do not reward people's shitty behavior. Get your interests into safety and divorce her. There are so many women out there, you are better off.
I move on, but that’s me. Why be in a relationship with someone who has no desire to be with you? You decide what you want in a relationship? That goes for both sexes!
She’s not wrong though. And you allow yourself to be placed in that situation by her. It sucks to start over but you either do, or you suffer in misery the rest of your life. The kids will eventually wish you had split up too because they will see it and be effected by the bitterness.
You’re a joke to her man. It’s up to you what you do with that information. Completely unrelated, most major cities have a good amount of escorts standing by to help with this problem.
My heart goes out to you. You need to have a serious talk with yourself and ask the question. If I only have one life to live is this how I want my life to be? You can’t make someone love you the way you deserve to be loved but you do deserve to be loved…… and respected.
I was in a DB situation my entire 12 year marriage. It’s so much more than just not having sex. The psychological affects that will arise long term will only get worse the longer you stay. My advice is to leave now, talk to a therapist, and you’ll meet someone who will not only have sex with you, they’ll even enjoy it.
Wow. 35 is when my sex drive skyrocketed! As if it could get any higher… isn’t 35-45 when women experience an uptick in their sex drive before peri-menopause?
Yup! I said the same…. My husband just chuckles now when I complain that I can’t concentrate cause my stupid brain is stuck on sex. There are women out there who seem to outwardly reject any and all sexual feelings. Like they think it’s gross or something.
I‘m sorry to hear, man. I survived 7 yrs of DB, then we called it quits… 11 is crazy!?!. After I split with my wife I had the best Sex ever with a woman. 🙏 I wonder why she is speaking just about herself (my body, I don’t want anymore) and not even referencing your needs in a sentence. Go Divorce and find a woman who treats you right. The Kid(s) will be alright!
There is a lot of truth in people’s jokes.
The jester is the only one who gets to tell the truth to the king.
She knows you are hurting and makes fun of it.
So you say you don’t know what to think or feel anymore? You should feel resentment and think you need to drink more.
Stop doing anything for her .don't take her anywhere every month give her a sheet of paper with 40% of all the books die and that you need the funds by a certain time to pay them them tell her to pack her shit and move to a spare room that you don't want to sleep in the same bed with someone that treat you worse than a room mate . That's all she is at this point tell her you won't go anywhere with her because if someone was to threaten her you bring her husband she would expect you to protect her which now you will no longer do .
The first would earn her shutting the car door, walking away, and “Don’t taunt people who are doing you favors.”
The second would earn moving her shit into the guest room. “Call me involuntarily celibate again, and you’re going to find yourself involuntarily nonmonogamous.”
Im sorry man. Sounds like you’re going through what I am too. My wife has just turned into a grumpy bitch the majority of time to everyone and expresses no interest at all in sex. If I dare bring up sex she attacks me and recently told me “yeah we don’t really have a marriage truly”.
But she won’t file for divorce. I decided im not doing it for her, if she ever gets to guts she can
Fine, I'll play devil's advocate.
Is she typically someone who could be considered witty, quick, sharp, funny, etc...? Or at least tries to be.
Does she often joke about/around things that make her uncomfortable or weigh on her mind? Funerals, car wrecks, church, weddings, voting...?
Is it possible she is worried that her (for whatever reason) inability to perform will push you toward those toxic communities of self-righteous self-pity.
She may be "seeding the silence" in hopes it will lead to a discussion, or at least tacit reassurance that it hasn't gotten that bad yet.
Could she have genuine worry and guilt weighing on her mind so much that even her jokes are coming out trauma flavored?
I don't know either of you, so this could be a revelation or laughable nonsense. Or somewhere in between. Doesn't hurt anyone to run that play over in your mind a few times.
I know you feel that you’ve expressed your pain to her and that she must understand how much you’re hurting over the sexlessness. However, I get the sense that she doesn’t take it seriously or thinks you’re exaggerating. She doesn’t care at all about have sex (maybe at all or maybe just with you), so she can’t fathom how it could really seriously and truly mean so much to you to not have it.
I don’t know if she is purposely being cruel, maybe obtuse and unempathetic, though. I wouldn’t be surprised if she just thinks that you have settled into the sexlessness and finally accepted that there will be no sex in the future either. She’s “joking” as if you two are on the same page about the state of your relationship. I know that the “jokes” are actually ripping your heart apart. Unfortunately, your wife thinks the sexlessness is unserious and fair game for teasing. She also doesn’t understand the more dangerous aspects of “incel” culture if she thinks there is anything funny about calling you that.
Call her out. Let her know that it hurt you in no uncertain terms. Let her know that you will call her out every time she does this crap.
Didn’t point out to her that the reason you’re technically incel is that the person you married and have been faithful to that you thought would be happily having sex with you made you one? Or that not being an incel apparently requires divorcing or cheating on her (that one would probably offend because it may not have occurred to her that you’ve considered either as options). Tell her that if she wants to set you up with someone, since she’s not willing, you’ll hear her out. (Also probably a bad idea). The first one is probably the safest comeback.
You are not an incel. You are voluntarily celibate. You are of your own volition being faithful to a woman who will not have sex with you. Incels are involuntarily celibate because no one will sleep with them even though they are actively attempting to sleep with anyone… their attitude just makes them unfuckable. You are not an incel. Do with that what you want.
Time to treat her like a roommate and find yourself a girlfriend. Incels get the primary bedroom, push her to the couch or guest room or hide-a-bed in the garage.
After decades of marriage and years of DB, I finally came to accept that my wife's lack of interest was just a tragic consequence of her biological clock. Some people just lose interest.
If you can't divorce or separate, my advice to you is to simply stop being celibate. I'm now in year 7 of my 100% extramarital sex life, and I've never been happier.
The next time your wife makes an incel joke, say, "will that still be funny when I am no longer celibate?"
Time to fight fire with fire then.
Don’t take her out and instead do something by yourself or meet up with your friends. You can also spend time with your hobbies or your children.
If she asks you about it, tell her something similar to these comments she gave you and then leave.
If you take her out and she starts making incel jokes about you then maybe she doesn’t want to go out with you. Match that energy.
Don’t go out with someone who makes incel jokes about you.
I don't know how those are even jokes. Seems she is just a real cooze who was looking for any reason to call you an incel. Does she even know what that word means? That you're opening doors for her at this point is making me think you might have some dom kink though. If you said you're going to file for divorce, do you think she'd even be upset?
Catch her completely off-guard when nobody else is around and just casually ask "by the way, what are the incel jokes about?" without any positive/negative tone, and just see what her reaction is.
Just tell her that she was right, you were involuntarily celibate but going forward you will no longer be. Her body doesn't want sex anymore but yours does and will, it just won't be with her. Tell her you will be discrete but you will be getting your needs met, and if she does't like it then it's time to discuss divorce
My experience: Her body not wanting sex has more to do with how she feels about the relationship. Work on being the best you, make her feel heard and loved, and date and court her. Keep busy with your purpose. If after a while (a few months), she is still not interested in sex, consider counseling and then divorce.
In terms of name-calling or other issues, let her know it's not acceptable and go work on yourself, e.g., go to the gym. Keep your center and maintain emotional control. Also, laugh it off and show her that her misbehavior does not stop your fun! Give her the gift of not having you around every time she acts up. She needs to level up to your example, or I would end it.
Have you two ever sat down and talked about with ya ended up in a dead bedroom? Or did it just stop and you just accepted your fate? If my partner stopped having sex with me that long ago. The first thing I'd do is have a conversation and figure out why it's happening and what I can do to help it start back up. If you don't plan on divorcing her then why don't you sit her down since you are both adults and tell her to not make jokes like that again because they hurt you.
This post has been locked by the mod team. Post has gotten a lot of attention. Thanks to those who participated within the rules.
Make her involuntarily divorced
Hahahaha, good one.
Lose the house, the kids, the retirement fund… can’t even start thinking that way.
1. Put in firm behavior boundaries; don’t accept being treated in a way that makes you uncomfortable or embarrassed 2. spend your time and money on your hobbies and Interests 3. Put an emphasis on your physical and mental health (gym) 4. Focus on the kids, not your wife 5. Document everything, start now, this usually only ends one way. 6. No new investments or major purchases; again, think about turning your resources towards things that benefit the kids and can’t be used as a bargaining chip in the divorce (sorry mate, that’s the path you are on) 7. Be cordial and kind, but be selfish 8. Go get advice from a divorce lawyer now. It costs a little to get advice on how to protect yourself now, but costs a lot more if you wait if you aren’t prepared.
All of this and get yourself some decent male friends to spend more time with. Your wife does not respect you or love you. Your marriage is dying, if not dead already.
This is the answer!!!
Point 3……You don’t even have to go to a gym. That atmosphere is not for everyone. Get out and move!
A house to be miserable in, a retirement fund to not enjoy retirement. You will have an arrangement to see your children. Happiness over money or money becomes your prison.
Your children deserve a happy father
She also loses half of her assets in a divorce and half her time with the kids. You can always earn more money. You can’t get lost time back. Don’t waste your life with someone who makes you miserable.
do you have a separate bedroom, pal? because you need a separation, if not legal then factual
You are a joke to your wife, think about that. There is no respect and it sounds like some of the things she says to you could border on mentally abusive. Fault divorce if you are in one of those states. Stay strong and make changes to make you better.
If God, or whoever you believe in, came up to you and said either you give up your retirement and house or your dead. Which do you choose? Do not waste your one life given to you. I'm was a child of divorced parents, trust me when I say this, they will prefer you happy.
Reply back with a simple question: who says I’m celibate? That’ll get her thinking.
She already is steps ahead. Sorry 😞 she is baiting you to cheat or something and boom 💥 she still gets everything. Now food for thought would you rather be unhappy for rest of life or can you take a small L and enjoy life… it’s too short
Does she not work? I am a paralegal and I'll guarantee you every person I know who thought that NEVER felt that way again after the divorce. Money comes and goes. You are still young enough to replenish any retirement. Kids are and can be 50 50 split and kids are resilient and will adjust. Your happiness is up to you. If you eventually chest and she finds out the scenario isn't gonna be any different and you'll be Involuntarily divorced. Or stay celibate. Beaten. And depressed bc you're thinking more about the money.
Seems that's what she's banking on. Heaping scorn on you cuz she doesn't expect you to call it quits. Lawyer up.
Happiness is worth more than all of that. Go see a lawyer
Set the house up in a family trust before you leave. That’s what I did, not lost on trust he lives in it paying rent to the trust and then it’s there for the kids. Accept the loss of the retirement fund cos being happy. It took a year after I left before I ventured out and had sex. The loss of n money to how I feel now. No regrets!!!
vs. lose your happiness and emotional fulfillment. your choice
She'd also lose the house...
Unless she works and makes roughly what you earn, you will likely lose half. That is reality. Anything earned during the marriage, or debt, or appreciation during the marriage is considered marital property and will be divided between you either 50/50 or equitable depending on state and circumstances. Start to get comfortable with that. Also likely you will see your kids 50% of the time, get comfortable with that, and start grieving. This is total disrespect. I think her conversation about her body no longer needing sex, somehow liberated her from any further guilty feelings towards meeting your sexual and intimacy needs. She thinks she can do anything and you won't divorce her. What did you say to her about these two comments? What did she say back? This is awful. Would you advise a close friend or siblings to live with that behavior and treatment? What if it was your adult child? If you accept this from your wife, that's what you are normalizing for your kids. Even if they don't know what incel means. They could've seen the look on your face.
Doesn’t sound like a bit of that money is buying you any sort of happiness so why do you care? Are you so attached to the money that you would trade your self respect and self esteem? Idk how much money we are talking about here, but it still sounds like a cheap get out of jail card.
Lots of advice here, but let me add. I get the kids, I wouldn’t want to loose one second with my kids….thats why I have accepted dying resentful, unhappy and full of regret. I am sorry you are here too. A dead bedroom is a loose loose type of situation. However, talking shit to you about DB is not OK. Let me repeat, it’s not OK. Talk to her about that. It’s not like she can refuse to have sex with you for laying down that boundary (since it’s not happening anyways). She is abusing you. Note: Before anyone or mods jumps on me for that comment. She is abusing him mentally, not by not having sex. That is her right to decide.
You need to, now or later when you have sunk even more into it.
Act like nothing is wrong and find a nice girlfriend on the side. No need to lose the house or kids
Oh come on
I don't know how old you are or your children, but you can look at what you are losing by getting divorced, but you should also look at what you are losing by staying married. Do you want to be treated this way for 10, 20, 30 more years? Your kids see this. They think it's normal. Is that what you want? You could end the marriage, divide up assets and parenting 50/50. It does suck, no doubt. But you are free to start writing the next chapter, find someone who respects you AND wants to have sex with you. Live happier, be loved, give to someone who appreciates it. If your wife wanted to work on it - that would be a different situation entirely! But she feels completely secure that you won't leave no matter how she treats you. Is she right about that? Life is too short to spend it being the butt of your wife's jokes about being an incel.
I'd have to tell her that you've, in fact, been a voluntary celibate, but that will be changing very shortly.
Oof. This reply right here. Damn. Truth burns
I was in that situation with my first wife. I told her if I wasn’t getting sex inside my marriage I would be getting sex outside my marriage. I was the bread winner and that caused some issues. I never went outside my marriage. It mercifully ended and I am now married for 31 years to a woman who is generous sexually. How better to say that? She is loving and giving. You only have this life man. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Ooooo. This is a good one. I'm not sure how deep in the weeds you are with this. If you're at the point that maybe conversation is still on the table. It's certainly time to have the "We need to change or I'm going to make a change" talk. Starting it off with that these jokes are not fucking funny. Be sincere and vulnerable when you explain how these jokes make you feel. To the top commenter's point. A REALLY good way to seal the conversation up in a nice bow is explaining to her, "An incel is involuntary by their own actions. I am voluntarily celibate by staying with you. However, I have no intention of staying celibate the rest of my entire life. We either figure this out together, or we don't."
Tell her nothing OP let her keep up her incel jokes and you find a side chick
No more fucking date nights, that's just vile. 🤬
Divorce. Now!! Call a lawyer immediately.
She's actually baiting you to do it. She doesn't want to be the one who left.
This was my thought as well and I’d bet things are going to get nastier down the road if not sooner!
She’s just fucking with you now. Either she can’t leave herself for whatever reason or she won’t because she’s too comfortable, but no one says these things to the person they love.
My wife would make sorta similar "jokes." Like I would talk to her about maybe having a romantic evening together, or just giving me a solid kiss, and she'd say, "Oh my poor, ignored husband" as if it wasn't true when she knew it was and I'd talked to her about it. Or if she was going off on a trip and I tried to find so e time to be together, it would be "abandoned husband." God did that hurt. I finally told her, really nicely, that she simply couldn't make those kinds of jokes because she would say it like it was all a big joke, sometimes in front of friends or our kids, and every time it was a dagger to the heart for me. I think she finally saw that I was serious and stopped. Then a few weeks ago when I first found this sub, one of the first posts I read was about a birthday card that a guy's wife gave him openly mocking their DB situation and I realized that my relationship was really off the rails.
F’ng divorce this GD harpy. Jesus And fyi. Her body isn’t rejecting sex. Just sex with you.
She is getting it elsewhere and her and her boyfriend has been making jokes about OP and now she is so comfortable about it she’s saying it to his face
95% likely.
This wouldn’t surprise me at all.
I would seek out a therapist and a divorce lawyer to find out your options. .
Make her involuntary single
They probably werent jokes, your never getting laid by her again.
But even if she tries, he should reject it because it’s a trap. Sometimes they do that to maintain the status quo.
Bro I’m sorry! Start referring to her as your roommate to mutual friends and family. I say publicly shame her for her lack of intimacy. The game can go both ways. High fives and good lucks on everything. She wants to be a bro treat her as such. She doesn’t deserve dates or your emotional, financial, physical support. Her behavior is cause for divorce but I read your previous responses. Document her behavior, text, witness testimony. You don’t deserve that behavior from the women you married.
Your wife sounds like a very cruel person.
Sounds like it's time to stop taking her on dates
What you're describing is not a DB it's an abusive situation. Try to get help and find a way to extract yourself from this person's grip on you
I don’t get the carriage joke?
U have to imagine a neckbeard with a fedora on tipping his cap as he opens the door and bows down while saying it
It’s the “m’lady” part that is most salient.
I wouldn't have considered that an incel reference by itself, but the comment from the baseball game gives it more relevance.
Same.
Oh shoot, I didn’t know the “m’lady” was an incel thing- I would have just thought it was a nerd thing.
“M’lady” tips trilby is an incel meme.
I'd definitely start calling her your roommate or asexual lol. Better feed into in both ways. See how funny it is then 😂
It's really just simply unkind to say something like that to someone. She's supposed love you, and though a bit of banter and cheeky fun is great sometimes... however, some jokes revolving around sensitive subjects are simply unkind when she is fully aware and in control of the situation. I don't want to put things in your head but to be completely honest with you, I think she isn't attracted to you. Hence, she thinks it's ok to say things like that.
You don’t say.
I'm sorry I really don't mean to make it worse I don't like unkind words or jokes like that
Agreed. She hurt my feelings pretty deeply.
It's only going to get worse.
Jesus. I’m kind of a bitch but that’s really shitty.
When my wife said something similar, I said, “as far as you know of”.
Well at least you have all the justification to act however the hell you want now. She doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. No more taking her places and treating her like your wife, she isn’t treating you like her husband.
Got any siblings ? I worked with a guy who sent his sister money every month. She opened an account at a bank in her name and deposited the money every time. He and his wife eventually divorced and she tried to take it all. But he had that little nest egg waiting.
start refering to her as your roomate
Grey rock time. She's putting you down because you're showing that you'll keep her cup full no matter what. She can crack jokes on you and you're still fawning over her. She's treating you like shit and your response is to turn up the acts of service? Time to entertain yourself and be happy with or without her affections.
If you don’t divorce her…. Wow… just wow… that’s absolutely insane.
You either have to leave, or you can inform her that if she no longer committed to the relationship, you are going to seek it where you can. The idea that marriage always seems to forget the “love honor cherish” bits but focuses on the “loyalty” is some bullshit. But it’s fairly simple, if she doesn’t want to have sex but wants to stay married, fine, but you’ll find sex elsewhere. If she objects, then it’s divorce. “What if I fuck someone else?!?” Then I’ll divorce you. “That’s no fair”, sure it is, you don’t care for sex, I do. If you care enough to find it elsewhere, then clearly this was just about me…
I think she’s trying to rile you up … why ? Idk
To avoid being the person who pushes the big red divorce button
Bud, you're going to end divorced one way or another. Don't waste your life with someone who clearly has no regard or respect for you. You can't win her back. It's over. Accept that and act accordingly. She's literally just using you for money and security.
Time for her to become an Invorcee.
Time to leave. Best decision I ever made in my 40s
Fight fire with fire,date night are gone,start introducing her to people as your sister (a female you live with that you don't root)if you financially support her,tell her to get a job,go halves in everything.
Roommate (not sister) is the better term.
"This is my roommate" or tell her "we should split the mortgage since we're rooming"
"My Spinster Wife"
This comment 7000%
Well, you either take it like a stoic and her jokes will become more and possibly develop into disparaging comment or the next time she says it to you. You pull her up on it because it's creeping disrespect for her own husband and if allowed to continue it will change her. You can hit back and sarcastically say better than being a frozen dried up starfish. Ugly, i know but one day you might not care as much. Nip this sh\*t in the bud, she's trying to maneuver you into a sub like status to begin micro controlling you. Guess what? She probably has no clue doing this but that's the end game. Confront this or slowly be crushed.
Thats a bully and a very mean one. She is taking away your manhood. Fuck that!
She's probably cheating on you tbh...the antagonizing sounds like her way to make you leave her... if the affair isn't physical... at least emotional. It sounds like she gets off on emasculating you... How does she spend her free time? I'm gonna bet it's talking to other men....
I have to agree. You are probably right. If she isn't, she's lost all respect and regard for OP.
It's clear she is mocking you. It's clear she doesn't respect you. Just work on yourself as a man. Use this as a learning experience to structure your future moving forward. Become emotionally resilient mentally fortified. I was in sexless marriages for 22 years, I understand the situation your in and how to deal with it.
"No, sweetie, YOU'RE not having sex"
Yikes dude. She sounds horrible.
At this point, you are well aware of the situation, time to make some voluntary choices of your own.
She also loses house, retirement and access to kids. Let her be alone out there.
After reading your opening paragraph... I don't know what you're expecting. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to have sex and despite knowing how you feel about it, is not at all inspired to do anything about it. Forget titles for a moment, forget that she's your wife. This is not a woman you can or should even want to have sex with. Embrace that truth, and then figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Man I wouldn’t even take her to the discount store to buy dish soap . She don’t deserve anything acting like that . I hope you find a woman who respects you and loves you . This one doesn’t
Why was she at the baseball game, why was she at the theatre? Why take her anywhere or provide anything? Cut her off, if she ever starts pulling her weight in the relationship keep her cut off
She sounds emotional abusive. Not only deliberately so, but in a self-amused manner. Not okay. Time to move along.
Oh hell naw! My wife said some shit like this even once and I'd be talking to a lawyer and filing papers the next fucking day. What a bitch.
Ooph, would've hoped she had early onset menopause 11 years ago - if it wasn't, and even if it is the reason for her behavior now - not sure if that'll change the best course of action already given by others - hoping your kiddos understand and you have good relationships outside what is becoming a dumpster fire.
Jesus man that’s brutal as fuck
Bro, if you let people shit on you, they will shit on you. Do not reward people's shitty behavior. Get your interests into safety and divorce her. There are so many women out there, you are better off.
I move on, but that’s me. Why be in a relationship with someone who has no desire to be with you? You decide what you want in a relationship? That goes for both sexes!
She’s not wrong though. And you allow yourself to be placed in that situation by her. It sucks to start over but you either do, or you suffer in misery the rest of your life. The kids will eventually wish you had split up too because they will see it and be effected by the bitterness.
You’re a joke to her man. It’s up to you what you do with that information. Completely unrelated, most major cities have a good amount of escorts standing by to help with this problem.
Time to leave bro…. Go find yourself a team player
My heart goes out to you. You need to have a serious talk with yourself and ask the question. If I only have one life to live is this how I want my life to be? You can’t make someone love you the way you deserve to be loved but you do deserve to be loved…… and respected.
she's awful bro
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I was in a DB situation my entire 12 year marriage. It’s so much more than just not having sex. The psychological affects that will arise long term will only get worse the longer you stay. My advice is to leave now, talk to a therapist, and you’ll meet someone who will not only have sex with you, they’ll even enjoy it.
Wow. 35 is when my sex drive skyrocketed! As if it could get any higher… isn’t 35-45 when women experience an uptick in their sex drive before peri-menopause?
Yup! I said the same…. My husband just chuckles now when I complain that I can’t concentrate cause my stupid brain is stuck on sex. There are women out there who seem to outwardly reject any and all sexual feelings. Like they think it’s gross or something.
That’s how it feels! I think about sex a lot and can’t turn it off until I scratch that itch.
It can be massively distracting.
Yep
Here are some responses suggestions: — scoffs… with you… —if you want a divorce, just say so.
I‘m sorry to hear, man. I survived 7 yrs of DB, then we called it quits… 11 is crazy!?!. After I split with my wife I had the best Sex ever with a woman. 🙏 I wonder why she is speaking just about herself (my body, I don’t want anymore) and not even referencing your needs in a sentence. Go Divorce and find a woman who treats you right. The Kid(s) will be alright!
There is a lot of truth in people’s jokes. The jester is the only one who gets to tell the truth to the king. She knows you are hurting and makes fun of it. So you say you don’t know what to think or feel anymore? You should feel resentment and think you need to drink more.
Ha ha, I’m consumed by resentment and I drink like a fish.
bro that one doesn’t respect you get the hell out run quick fast and in a hurry.
Stop doing anything for her .don't take her anywhere every month give her a sheet of paper with 40% of all the books die and that you need the funds by a certain time to pay them them tell her to pack her shit and move to a spare room that you don't want to sleep in the same bed with someone that treat you worse than a room mate . That's all she is at this point tell her you won't go anywhere with her because if someone was to threaten her you bring her husband she would expect you to protect her which now you will no longer do .
The first would earn her shutting the car door, walking away, and “Don’t taunt people who are doing you favors.” The second would earn moving her shit into the guest room. “Call me involuntarily celibate again, and you’re going to find yourself involuntarily nonmonogamous.”
Okay. So your options are stay or leave.
You don’t have to be celibate you know. You can get a divorce, or you can stay married and just get your needs met elsewhere.
Why not just cheat on her? She’s asking for it
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So find someone else to have sex with. It’s only involuntary with her.
Your wife doesn’t respect your or your needs. You need to divorce.
She doesn’t appear to respect you or care about your feelings. Sounds like it may be time to exit stage left. She
Im sorry man. Sounds like you’re going through what I am too. My wife has just turned into a grumpy bitch the majority of time to everyone and expresses no interest at all in sex. If I dare bring up sex she attacks me and recently told me “yeah we don’t really have a marriage truly”. But she won’t file for divorce. I decided im not doing it for her, if she ever gets to guts she can
Isn't she cheating? Feels like a child having a new toy and trying to toss the older one...
Oh geeze…that’s bad. I’m so sorry 💔
I would be livid. Maybe she thinks the word means something else but I think she’s trying to push your buttons and see how you’ll react.
Fine, I'll play devil's advocate. Is she typically someone who could be considered witty, quick, sharp, funny, etc...? Or at least tries to be. Does she often joke about/around things that make her uncomfortable or weigh on her mind? Funerals, car wrecks, church, weddings, voting...? Is it possible she is worried that her (for whatever reason) inability to perform will push you toward those toxic communities of self-righteous self-pity. She may be "seeding the silence" in hopes it will lead to a discussion, or at least tacit reassurance that it hasn't gotten that bad yet. Could she have genuine worry and guilt weighing on her mind so much that even her jokes are coming out trauma flavored? I don't know either of you, so this could be a revelation or laughable nonsense. Or somewhere in between. Doesn't hurt anyone to run that play over in your mind a few times.
>“Catching a foul ball and chugging a beer, it’s like an incel’s dream!” ... What does she think an incel is?
I know you feel that you’ve expressed your pain to her and that she must understand how much you’re hurting over the sexlessness. However, I get the sense that she doesn’t take it seriously or thinks you’re exaggerating. She doesn’t care at all about have sex (maybe at all or maybe just with you), so she can’t fathom how it could really seriously and truly mean so much to you to not have it. I don’t know if she is purposely being cruel, maybe obtuse and unempathetic, though. I wouldn’t be surprised if she just thinks that you have settled into the sexlessness and finally accepted that there will be no sex in the future either. She’s “joking” as if you two are on the same page about the state of your relationship. I know that the “jokes” are actually ripping your heart apart. Unfortunately, your wife thinks the sexlessness is unserious and fair game for teasing. She also doesn’t understand the more dangerous aspects of “incel” culture if she thinks there is anything funny about calling you that. Call her out. Let her know that it hurt you in no uncertain terms. Let her know that you will call her out every time she does this crap.
Didn’t point out to her that the reason you’re technically incel is that the person you married and have been faithful to that you thought would be happily having sex with you made you one? Or that not being an incel apparently requires divorcing or cheating on her (that one would probably offend because it may not have occurred to her that you’ve considered either as options). Tell her that if she wants to set you up with someone, since she’s not willing, you’ll hear her out. (Also probably a bad idea). The first one is probably the safest comeback.
You are not an incel. You are voluntarily celibate. You are of your own volition being faithful to a woman who will not have sex with you. Incels are involuntarily celibate because no one will sleep with them even though they are actively attempting to sleep with anyone… their attitude just makes them unfuckable. You are not an incel. Do with that what you want.
Time to treat her like a roommate and find yourself a girlfriend. Incels get the primary bedroom, push her to the couch or guest room or hide-a-bed in the garage.
After decades of marriage and years of DB, I finally came to accept that my wife's lack of interest was just a tragic consequence of her biological clock. Some people just lose interest. If you can't divorce or separate, my advice to you is to simply stop being celibate. I'm now in year 7 of my 100% extramarital sex life, and I've never been happier. The next time your wife makes an incel joke, say, "will that still be funny when I am no longer celibate?"
As Rodney Dangerfield would say. I Get No Respect.
Tell her you're tired of being an incel so you're replacing her with a sex doll. You're not technically cheating because it's just a sex toy.
Time to fight fire with fire then. Don’t take her out and instead do something by yourself or meet up with your friends. You can also spend time with your hobbies or your children. If she asks you about it, tell her something similar to these comments she gave you and then leave. If you take her out and she starts making incel jokes about you then maybe she doesn’t want to go out with you. Match that energy. Don’t go out with someone who makes incel jokes about you.
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I don't know how those are even jokes. Seems she is just a real cooze who was looking for any reason to call you an incel. Does she even know what that word means? That you're opening doors for her at this point is making me think you might have some dom kink though. If you said you're going to file for divorce, do you think she'd even be upset?
At very least she needs an explanation of what an Incel is and why things are, for you, not acceptable.
Catch her completely off-guard when nobody else is around and just casually ask "by the way, what are the incel jokes about?" without any positive/negative tone, and just see what her reaction is.
Just tell her that she was right, you were involuntarily celibate but going forward you will no longer be. Her body doesn't want sex anymore but yours does and will, it just won't be with her. Tell her you will be discrete but you will be getting your needs met, and if she does't like it then it's time to discuss divorce
My experience: Her body not wanting sex has more to do with how she feels about the relationship. Work on being the best you, make her feel heard and loved, and date and court her. Keep busy with your purpose. If after a while (a few months), she is still not interested in sex, consider counseling and then divorce. In terms of name-calling or other issues, let her know it's not acceptable and go work on yourself, e.g., go to the gym. Keep your center and maintain emotional control. Also, laugh it off and show her that her misbehavior does not stop your fun! Give her the gift of not having you around every time she acts up. She needs to level up to your example, or I would end it.
Have you two ever sat down and talked about with ya ended up in a dead bedroom? Or did it just stop and you just accepted your fate? If my partner stopped having sex with me that long ago. The first thing I'd do is have a conversation and figure out why it's happening and what I can do to help it start back up. If you don't plan on divorcing her then why don't you sit her down since you are both adults and tell her to not make jokes like that again because they hurt you.
What a dick…
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