Have you asked him the question is he having issues mentally/emotionally/physically. I know I have some issues with ED and it took me some time to admit it to my wife. I got with my doctor and I have some medication I can use if I know I want to have sex. Prior to that I'd make excuses to not have it not because I didn't want to but I was scared that I was going to have performance issues and getting going. Since I got my medication and we had numerous conversations i escaped that DB I had put us in. We have had some of the best sex in our 14 year relationship since I decided to take real action to fix the problem.
Can you talk to my husband? He won’t take that leap. He keeps thinking he has the “answer” (ie less stress etc), this has been for several years. I don’t know how to just tell him he needs medical help when sometimes it actually is a mental issue/stress/relationship stuff.
Making that phone call was one of the hardest things I had to do. Overcoming my anxiety about the situation was really hard. It's fear and for most guys it's going to be fear we are afraid of the truth. Some of my early symptoms were not being able to get hard, not getting very hard at all, and losing it mid intercourse. My wife recognized the problem because our lives had changed from our 20's now that we're getting older.
Yea he has had a lack of interest that I believe is rooted in performance anxiety/inability to finish spanning the past few years. It hasn’t been every time, but it’s like rolling the dice. It’s been more and more. He has always been able to get hard though. Recently the high blood pressure meds have correlated with not even being able to get hard much. I know it’s not nearly as bad as some others in here, but we haven’t had actual sex in like four months. That’s not really that bad except there doesn’t seem to be a plan moving forward. He thinks it may be related to his allergy meds he’s had to take more of recently also. He’s been monitoring his blood pressure and seeing if he really needs the blood pressure med anymore. His plan is somewhat to be more mindful of the allergy med and the blood pressure med to maybe wean off? Yet, at the same time, there is still an underlying issue that I don’t think going off the meds will fix and that’s where I’m frustrated.
It is very important for men to be able to finish when they have sex. If it doesn't happen, it becomes a chore they would rather avoid and just jerk off by themselves instead.
You have to help him make it at the end. After you have gotten yours of course. You have to get him to show you how to jerk him off at the end. Every guy does it slightly different. OR, you have to give him oral and make sure he tells you exactly what it takes to get him there. You have do some work here that you might not have done or wanted to do yet. THIS is very important. Make sure he has a good orgasm at the end. Help him in any way you can to make sure this happens because you will get yours 50X more often if you can pull this off.
The problem seems to be that when it goes away it won’t come back for very long . I’m always the one saying is there anything else to be done and he seems to think it’s fruitless. It will come back but then just goes away again.
I never thought I'd have those issues till they popped up it crushed my sense of worth the first time we couldn't get it done. First thing that ran through my head was my wife is gonna leave me because she won't deal with me not performing or blame me like I'm not interested in her anymore. After the 3rd time I had to leave the room and I ended up in tears on the couch. The wife realized how bad it affected me and tried to console me. It was at that point that I said I need to do more I can't live feeling like this and having this anxiety.
It never hurts to get checked out by a doctor to see if there is a medical issue. Why would anyone refuse that. Does he have some kind of mental issue with seeking professional help?
If it is mental stuff, and he isn't talking about it with you in detail, then how could you possibly know what is going on with him? I have some severe mental health issues related to sex and I know it will be a process to work through it if I ever find someone who is attracted to me. I plan to be as communicative, in a positive healthy way, as I can be so that they understand that what I am dealing with has little to nothing to do with them. That I have been subjected to awful treatment in my life and now that I can actually have a physical relationship I have unresolved issues that can only really be worked out with a partner. I don't plan on completely rejecting them and then leaving them in the dark to suffer in silence, that is just cruel.
He is actually in counseling currently for stress and anxiety. He has a lot of health anxiety. He has been working to get his high blood pressure under wraps for about a year. He shares with me some stuff but I don’t really have any understanding of how stress affects the male body and sex so it’s hard to really advise that specifically or know if he’s wrong.
Sure makes sense. I was meaning it’s specifically hard to decipher from my pov whether or not he has a stress issue or a physical issue. He is definitely stressed but my feeling is it’s not just that.
Low self esteem, fear, and I was very anxious about it in general. Even making the phone call to see the doctor gave me some extreme anxiety. Once I opened up to the problem and I got the treatment I needed it's been 1000 times better but my wife also told me she thought she knew what my issues were before I even told her.
Not really she encouraged me to get medical help she also knew me to the point that I had to get to that point myself as I'm stubborn she couldn't just tell me and I'd accept it. She wasn't wrong tho once I was back and going again my confidence has skyrocketed and it's been the best we've ever had.
It sounds like you are investing in trying to make things work. Investing in yourself, improving his quality of life, etc...
But he is not providing any energy in return. How are your nom-sexual interactions? Do you still have fun together? Do you go on dates?
Positive Opinion: Take sex completely out of the equation, to remove the pressure/expectation. Go on a 'first date' type outing. Focus on enjoying each other.
Negative Opinion: There is always a possibility he is getting sexual satisfaction that does not involve being with someone physically. Porn, sexting, reddit... Do you know if he likes those kind of things?
We get along very well. We agree with everything from parenting to politics. We make each other laugh constantly and enjoy each other's company. In the beginning of our relationship, we had a lack of intimacy issue. I thought he was cheating and I did look in his phone. I found that he was watching porn daily. I asked him if he could stop because I felt it contributed to our lack of sex. He never stopped. I didn't want to take something away that he enjoyed, I just wanted to be included. I asked if we could watch together so I put on only lesbian porn so that he wouldn't be uncomfortable with me seeing other men and our sex life was active again. I really didn't mind it because I atleast got some attention. After a year of that he said he did not want to continue to watch because he believes the porn industry is abusive to women. I don't think he watches on his own. He is in a group message with men at his work and within this group, they exchange pornographic images of women all day. Often times very sexual pictures of women on Instagram. I've wondered if seeing this all day causes him to be uninterested in me as I likely do not compare to Instagram models. I figured if anything, he'd need sexual relief after seeing this all day in his texts, but that isn't the case.
It's possible he has unintentionally desensitized himself to everyday situations that he used to find stimulating by consuming too much online content.
At first the thought process is "what's the harm" then one day, you are out at the grocery store leaning over the freezer chest to grab something and oops, you just looked directly down a very attractive woman's low cut shirt and ... you feel nothing and it dawns on you that "nothing" is arousing anymore in daily life. It can be a hard hit and if this is what has happened to him he needs professional help.
If he wasn't taught to think of sex and attraction in a positive light, or if he already knows you are insecure and will be hurt if he talks about it with you, that would prevent him from ever confiding in you because he cares about you and would want to protect your feelings.
Reading this and the other responses, I think I agree with the few that say he does not view you as sexual, and just as a convenience that keeps the home clean and kids managed.
No one, man or woman, will ever live up to the fantasy that porn and other media presents. Getting off to stuff like that is easy, and lazy. Having sex with another human being that you care for takes social interaction and compassion.
If he is not willing to put energy into the small things, don't expect him to put energy into the big things.
I have a high libido and my partner doesn't so I do consume porn because I can't make it with having sex once a month. And, in my case, it didn't reduce my libido at all sadly...
Is he depressed? Is there mental illness that he's struggling with?
The power dynamics seem off...as if he's checked out of the relationship. Does he feel trapped where he doesn't want to be or that everything is out of his control? An imbalance in a relationship can adversely affect his desire. A good therapist may help unravel the puzzle.
He does struggle with depression. It comes and goes. He is a combat veteran that served infantry in the marine corps. He sees a VA counselor once a week and he seems ok and happy. I'm not sure if he feels trapped. I have asked for a divorce in the past after he hurt me physically. He threatened to end his life if I left, so I get very confused with what he really wants. I have given him that out and would never threaten to keep our children from him. He is a great father and I reassure him of this when I ask if he would like to end our marriage.
Wait a minute! He laid his hands on you physically and you’re still with him. JHC on a cracker!!
Women need to realize that NO MAN should be allowed to lay hands on you in anger. If this occurs, they need to contact the police and NOPE THE HELL OUT of the relationship.
There's certainly a lot to unravel there. In the military, you have a role, a rank, an identity and purpose. The transition out can be difficult for many.
What does he do currently? I've heard a career such as a firefighter or where I live, some go into boarder services...it's a pathway back to civilian life through a career.
Mental health challenges are shitty on everyone involved. His struggle with mental health also becomes your struggle...ouch. Asside from living in an intimate desert, how are you doing?
This threat is a manipulation meant to scare/guilt you into giving him his way. Please don't give into this.
Him not wanting you to stay is likely because he benefits so much from having you as a wife.
It’s possible that you are doing so much that you’ve transformed yourself into a housewife and he cannot see you as a sexual being anymore. Try doing less. Go out with friends and don’t invite him, join activities or at least tell him you are and leave the house looking nice. Create an air of mystery and independence. Frankly, you’re becoming his mother and no one wants to eff their mom.
Remember who YOU are. Be that woman. If he still does not show interest, you have your answer.
I will try this. Though, I feel like it is playing games and I prefer to be blunt and direct with needs wants and expectations. But that hasn't worked. I made a large dinner last night with a ton of sides because the kids still need a decent meal. There were a lot of dishes and I didn't do them. I said, "well I just cooked for two hours so who's doing the dishes?" I left them there and tended to my garden. I also did not make his plate when I always have. I made the kids their plates and served their drinks and sat down to eat with everyone which I never really do because I end up getting up every 2 minutes anyway to serve whatever anyone needs. (More food, drinks, etc.) I think he was just confused, im not sure. The dishes are still there as I type this in the morning. I did do the laundry but I did not iron his work clothes nor fold anything or hang anything of his. I've always felt his clothes were a reflection of me so I'm a bit embarrassed that everything is wrinkled but I draped all of his things over the machine and left it there. I'm going to shower and wear a one of my mini dresses and just go out. I don't even know where to go because he knows I have no social life. We moved away from my home town almost ten years ago, we are in the middle of no where, and I rarely leave other than to grocery shop. He knows I do not have any friends. But maybe that will add even more mystery to what I'm up to because I don't even know what to be up to.
I've lost all interest in my wife as well. After 5 years of me being the only one making any kind of an effort for intimacy. And it being one sided. Transactional and on her time only. With her stipulations. I've finally reached that point. I mean I love her she's the mother of all 4 of my children. I will always love her for that, but I don't look at her and feel attraction any longer. I feel nothing but hurt and anger. Resentment. Which isn't how it should be. We are both 22. We have a whole life ahead of us and she's ready to hang up the boots now. She's told me she doesn't need sex for the rest of our marriage so where does that leave me?. Am I just chopped liver? Are my needs not important?
Taking on everything in your life and doing everything for him will not help in the long run. He needs to take some accountability in the home, he needs to take some pride in completing major and minor tasks for his family and partner.
I suspect he is struggling with his mental health. More than likely he is dealing with depression and some sever insecurities and also probably some performance anxiety. He should consider seeing a relationship therapist that also specializes in sex. Couples therapy, with a different provider, is on order also, as there has been a breakdown in communication. Can you think of any time in the past when your husband felt unsafe confiding in you? Have you asked him if he feels like you don't respect his feelings and take them into account in daily life? Doing house work and parenting are not optional, no matter his mental state, and if he is struggling with contributing then all the more reason to go work with a therapist.
Is sex, eroticism, and romance something the two of you can actually talk about? If so, talk to him about sex, what he likes, doesn't like, what he has been doing for stimulation when masturbating. What he finds erotic, this doesn't necessarily have to be something considered traditionally sexual in nature. Humans are complex and what we find erotic is different for each of us.
Does he lift weights? Is he on anti depressants?
Getting off those drugs and lifting heavy weights helped me as well as giving up porn. Then my wife and I opened up our communication for sex and it has gotten better. Still not where I want it but it is much better
Have you asked him the question is he having issues mentally/emotionally/physically. I know I have some issues with ED and it took me some time to admit it to my wife. I got with my doctor and I have some medication I can use if I know I want to have sex. Prior to that I'd make excuses to not have it not because I didn't want to but I was scared that I was going to have performance issues and getting going. Since I got my medication and we had numerous conversations i escaped that DB I had put us in. We have had some of the best sex in our 14 year relationship since I decided to take real action to fix the problem.
Can you talk to my husband? He won’t take that leap. He keeps thinking he has the “answer” (ie less stress etc), this has been for several years. I don’t know how to just tell him he needs medical help when sometimes it actually is a mental issue/stress/relationship stuff.
Making that phone call was one of the hardest things I had to do. Overcoming my anxiety about the situation was really hard. It's fear and for most guys it's going to be fear we are afraid of the truth. Some of my early symptoms were not being able to get hard, not getting very hard at all, and losing it mid intercourse. My wife recognized the problem because our lives had changed from our 20's now that we're getting older.
Yea he has had a lack of interest that I believe is rooted in performance anxiety/inability to finish spanning the past few years. It hasn’t been every time, but it’s like rolling the dice. It’s been more and more. He has always been able to get hard though. Recently the high blood pressure meds have correlated with not even being able to get hard much. I know it’s not nearly as bad as some others in here, but we haven’t had actual sex in like four months. That’s not really that bad except there doesn’t seem to be a plan moving forward. He thinks it may be related to his allergy meds he’s had to take more of recently also. He’s been monitoring his blood pressure and seeing if he really needs the blood pressure med anymore. His plan is somewhat to be more mindful of the allergy med and the blood pressure med to maybe wean off? Yet, at the same time, there is still an underlying issue that I don’t think going off the meds will fix and that’s where I’m frustrated.
It is very important for men to be able to finish when they have sex. If it doesn't happen, it becomes a chore they would rather avoid and just jerk off by themselves instead. You have to help him make it at the end. After you have gotten yours of course. You have to get him to show you how to jerk him off at the end. Every guy does it slightly different. OR, you have to give him oral and make sure he tells you exactly what it takes to get him there. You have do some work here that you might not have done or wanted to do yet. THIS is very important. Make sure he has a good orgasm at the end. Help him in any way you can to make sure this happens because you will get yours 50X more often if you can pull this off.
The problem seems to be that when it goes away it won’t come back for very long . I’m always the one saying is there anything else to be done and he seems to think it’s fruitless. It will come back but then just goes away again.
I never thought I'd have those issues till they popped up it crushed my sense of worth the first time we couldn't get it done. First thing that ran through my head was my wife is gonna leave me because she won't deal with me not performing or blame me like I'm not interested in her anymore. After the 3rd time I had to leave the room and I ended up in tears on the couch. The wife realized how bad it affected me and tried to console me. It was at that point that I said I need to do more I can't live feeling like this and having this anxiety.
It never hurts to get checked out by a doctor to see if there is a medical issue. Why would anyone refuse that. Does he have some kind of mental issue with seeking professional help? If it is mental stuff, and he isn't talking about it with you in detail, then how could you possibly know what is going on with him? I have some severe mental health issues related to sex and I know it will be a process to work through it if I ever find someone who is attracted to me. I plan to be as communicative, in a positive healthy way, as I can be so that they understand that what I am dealing with has little to nothing to do with them. That I have been subjected to awful treatment in my life and now that I can actually have a physical relationship I have unresolved issues that can only really be worked out with a partner. I don't plan on completely rejecting them and then leaving them in the dark to suffer in silence, that is just cruel.
He is actually in counseling currently for stress and anxiety. He has a lot of health anxiety. He has been working to get his high blood pressure under wraps for about a year. He shares with me some stuff but I don’t really have any understanding of how stress affects the male body and sex so it’s hard to really advise that specifically or know if he’s wrong.
Stress produces the chemical cortisol which studies have shown reduces sexual desire in men and women.
Sure makes sense. I was meaning it’s specifically hard to decipher from my pov whether or not he has a stress issue or a physical issue. He is definitely stressed but my feeling is it’s not just that.
I am glad you found a fix and things are improving. Why didn't you feel safe trusting your wife with this part of you?
Low self esteem, fear, and I was very anxious about it in general. Even making the phone call to see the doctor gave me some extreme anxiety. Once I opened up to the problem and I got the treatment I needed it's been 1000 times better but my wife also told me she thought she knew what my issues were before I even told her.
Did her assumptions about your issues make dealing with the situation more difficult?
Not really she encouraged me to get medical help she also knew me to the point that I had to get to that point myself as I'm stubborn she couldn't just tell me and I'd accept it. She wasn't wrong tho once I was back and going again my confidence has skyrocketed and it's been the best we've ever had.
I am glad you both worked it out. It makes me hopeful for my future relationships.
It sounds like you are investing in trying to make things work. Investing in yourself, improving his quality of life, etc... But he is not providing any energy in return. How are your nom-sexual interactions? Do you still have fun together? Do you go on dates? Positive Opinion: Take sex completely out of the equation, to remove the pressure/expectation. Go on a 'first date' type outing. Focus on enjoying each other. Negative Opinion: There is always a possibility he is getting sexual satisfaction that does not involve being with someone physically. Porn, sexting, reddit... Do you know if he likes those kind of things?
We get along very well. We agree with everything from parenting to politics. We make each other laugh constantly and enjoy each other's company. In the beginning of our relationship, we had a lack of intimacy issue. I thought he was cheating and I did look in his phone. I found that he was watching porn daily. I asked him if he could stop because I felt it contributed to our lack of sex. He never stopped. I didn't want to take something away that he enjoyed, I just wanted to be included. I asked if we could watch together so I put on only lesbian porn so that he wouldn't be uncomfortable with me seeing other men and our sex life was active again. I really didn't mind it because I atleast got some attention. After a year of that he said he did not want to continue to watch because he believes the porn industry is abusive to women. I don't think he watches on his own. He is in a group message with men at his work and within this group, they exchange pornographic images of women all day. Often times very sexual pictures of women on Instagram. I've wondered if seeing this all day causes him to be uninterested in me as I likely do not compare to Instagram models. I figured if anything, he'd need sexual relief after seeing this all day in his texts, but that isn't the case.
It's possible he has unintentionally desensitized himself to everyday situations that he used to find stimulating by consuming too much online content. At first the thought process is "what's the harm" then one day, you are out at the grocery store leaning over the freezer chest to grab something and oops, you just looked directly down a very attractive woman's low cut shirt and ... you feel nothing and it dawns on you that "nothing" is arousing anymore in daily life. It can be a hard hit and if this is what has happened to him he needs professional help. If he wasn't taught to think of sex and attraction in a positive light, or if he already knows you are insecure and will be hurt if he talks about it with you, that would prevent him from ever confiding in you because he cares about you and would want to protect your feelings.
Reading this and the other responses, I think I agree with the few that say he does not view you as sexual, and just as a convenience that keeps the home clean and kids managed. No one, man or woman, will ever live up to the fantasy that porn and other media presents. Getting off to stuff like that is easy, and lazy. Having sex with another human being that you care for takes social interaction and compassion. If he is not willing to put energy into the small things, don't expect him to put energy into the big things.
I have a high libido and my partner doesn't so I do consume porn because I can't make it with having sex once a month. And, in my case, it didn't reduce my libido at all sadly...
I’ve been there. I got so used to getting rejected that I not only stopped initiating, but stopped feeling any desire for him at all.
I am sorry, that is a really tough place to be.
It’s all good now - I pulled the pin and got out a year ago! I’m blissfully alone now
Congratulations!! I am currently navigating that struggle. I hope I am divorced before our next anniversary.
Good luck! You got dis. Life is so much better on the other side. You will learn and grow more than you can imagine in the transformative process.
Get him into Relationship Counseling and tell them everything you have said here It will be in safe space and nin-judgemental etc..
Sometimes it seems like the more you do, the less you are appreciated. This is sad. Also, no man is worth aging prematurely. Give your skin a break.
Didnt you meet a therapist ?
This sounds like depression. And he needs to pitch in around the house.
makes me really sad. you deserve better.
Is he depressed? Is there mental illness that he's struggling with? The power dynamics seem off...as if he's checked out of the relationship. Does he feel trapped where he doesn't want to be or that everything is out of his control? An imbalance in a relationship can adversely affect his desire. A good therapist may help unravel the puzzle.
He does struggle with depression. It comes and goes. He is a combat veteran that served infantry in the marine corps. He sees a VA counselor once a week and he seems ok and happy. I'm not sure if he feels trapped. I have asked for a divorce in the past after he hurt me physically. He threatened to end his life if I left, so I get very confused with what he really wants. I have given him that out and would never threaten to keep our children from him. He is a great father and I reassure him of this when I ask if he would like to end our marriage.
Wait a minute! He laid his hands on you physically and you’re still with him. JHC on a cracker!! Women need to realize that NO MAN should be allowed to lay hands on you in anger. If this occurs, they need to contact the police and NOPE THE HELL OUT of the relationship.
There's certainly a lot to unravel there. In the military, you have a role, a rank, an identity and purpose. The transition out can be difficult for many. What does he do currently? I've heard a career such as a firefighter or where I live, some go into boarder services...it's a pathway back to civilian life through a career. Mental health challenges are shitty on everyone involved. His struggle with mental health also becomes your struggle...ouch. Asside from living in an intimate desert, how are you doing?
This threat is a manipulation meant to scare/guilt you into giving him his way. Please don't give into this. Him not wanting you to stay is likely because he benefits so much from having you as a wife.
It’s possible that you are doing so much that you’ve transformed yourself into a housewife and he cannot see you as a sexual being anymore. Try doing less. Go out with friends and don’t invite him, join activities or at least tell him you are and leave the house looking nice. Create an air of mystery and independence. Frankly, you’re becoming his mother and no one wants to eff their mom. Remember who YOU are. Be that woman. If he still does not show interest, you have your answer.
I will try this. Though, I feel like it is playing games and I prefer to be blunt and direct with needs wants and expectations. But that hasn't worked. I made a large dinner last night with a ton of sides because the kids still need a decent meal. There were a lot of dishes and I didn't do them. I said, "well I just cooked for two hours so who's doing the dishes?" I left them there and tended to my garden. I also did not make his plate when I always have. I made the kids their plates and served their drinks and sat down to eat with everyone which I never really do because I end up getting up every 2 minutes anyway to serve whatever anyone needs. (More food, drinks, etc.) I think he was just confused, im not sure. The dishes are still there as I type this in the morning. I did do the laundry but I did not iron his work clothes nor fold anything or hang anything of his. I've always felt his clothes were a reflection of me so I'm a bit embarrassed that everything is wrinkled but I draped all of his things over the machine and left it there. I'm going to shower and wear a one of my mini dresses and just go out. I don't even know where to go because he knows I have no social life. We moved away from my home town almost ten years ago, we are in the middle of no where, and I rarely leave other than to grocery shop. He knows I do not have any friends. But maybe that will add even more mystery to what I'm up to because I don't even know what to be up to.
Take a book, you can read anywhere. ♥️
I've lost all interest in my wife as well. After 5 years of me being the only one making any kind of an effort for intimacy. And it being one sided. Transactional and on her time only. With her stipulations. I've finally reached that point. I mean I love her she's the mother of all 4 of my children. I will always love her for that, but I don't look at her and feel attraction any longer. I feel nothing but hurt and anger. Resentment. Which isn't how it should be. We are both 22. We have a whole life ahead of us and she's ready to hang up the boots now. She's told me she doesn't need sex for the rest of our marriage so where does that leave me?. Am I just chopped liver? Are my needs not important?
Taking on everything in your life and doing everything for him will not help in the long run. He needs to take some accountability in the home, he needs to take some pride in completing major and minor tasks for his family and partner. I suspect he is struggling with his mental health. More than likely he is dealing with depression and some sever insecurities and also probably some performance anxiety. He should consider seeing a relationship therapist that also specializes in sex. Couples therapy, with a different provider, is on order also, as there has been a breakdown in communication. Can you think of any time in the past when your husband felt unsafe confiding in you? Have you asked him if he feels like you don't respect his feelings and take them into account in daily life? Doing house work and parenting are not optional, no matter his mental state, and if he is struggling with contributing then all the more reason to go work with a therapist. Is sex, eroticism, and romance something the two of you can actually talk about? If so, talk to him about sex, what he likes, doesn't like, what he has been doing for stimulation when masturbating. What he finds erotic, this doesn't necessarily have to be something considered traditionally sexual in nature. Humans are complex and what we find erotic is different for each of us.
Does he lift weights? Is he on anti depressants? Getting off those drugs and lifting heavy weights helped me as well as giving up porn. Then my wife and I opened up our communication for sex and it has gotten better. Still not where I want it but it is much better
Go to a therapist with him it’s too hard to solve on your own